#maybe not ALL of it to the extent i said
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an autistic, trans, bi, schizophrenic with BPD, DID, dissociative amnesia, a short fuse and lashes out frequently from redlining too often their whole life, was experimented on and isolated from most meaningful connections and doesn't know how to blend in with civilian society, werewolf
so
but werewolf
there’s something that’s incredible about the intersectionality and flexibility of werewolves as metaphor.
anger issues? werewolf. intrusive thoughts? werewolf. unresolved trauma? werewolf. rejection by society? werewolf. autism? werewolf. transgenderism? werewolf. queer expression of any sort? werewolf. plurality? werewolf. dissociation? werewolf. repression of any sort? werewolf. abuse cycles? werewolf. emotion so strong it physically changes you? werewolf!!!
really doing it all
#maybe not ALL of it to the extent i said#or i may have said some stuff wrong#and plenty are headcanons#but#yeah#cloud strife
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y’all do get that if dan and phil hard launch it will break the internet right? like people who haven’t thought about dnp since 2016 and literally everyone else with an online presence will know. suddenly there will be so many new eyes on our cute little community that we’ve managed to build from the ashes of the early phandom. it’ll be worldwide news that those guys from youtube who “weird girls” always shipped were actually together the whole time. it’ll be absolute chaos. it’s not that i don’t want them to hard launch if that’s genuinely what they want to do, i’m just afraid that it’ll send shockwaves through the entire internet that’ll shatter the nice little thing we’ve got going on here. i for one don’t want to be talking to an acquaintance in class next semester and hear them say “did you hear that dan and phil from youtube are together? that’s crazy! i never watched them ‘cause their fans were always so weird. i didn’t even know they were gay. i guess their fans bullied them out of the closet.” and then have to pretend to be normal.
#idk i feel like we’ve all gotten lost in the sauce of a hard launch and forgotten just how big of a deal it would be#it’ll be like the stir their coming outs made but even bigger#like most people still know them as the cat whisker guys from youtube and don’t even know they still post#maybe i’m totally overestimating the extent to which the rest of the internet would care but i don’t think i am#once again it’s not that i’m against a hard launch i just think that everyone who still cares about them and their content already knows#although if they wanted to generate buzz for a big project it would be a great move tbh#dan and phil#dnp#dan and phil games#dnpg#dan howell#daniel howell#danisnotonfire#amazing phil#amazingphil#phandom#phan#phil lester#dip and pip#phannie#that being said i do think i still want them to hard launch cuz the chaos would be funny#lee says things
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me: so yeah i feel super dizzy and lightheaded when i stand up and also just at random times of the day and also my heart just starts pounding randomly and it skips a beat randomly at least once a day and im also experiencing these other small things that i realized probably arent normal
the cardiologist: yeah, your heart’s beating too fast, but that’s just Normal Teenager Things™️! probably just like dehydration or something lol
#at least he sent me for blood tests and stuff#(which all came back normal)#and i have to wear a heart monitor for three days#my parents got mad at me because its been happening for a while and i didnt say anything#but in my defense i genuinely just didnt know that it wasnt normal#i thought that it just happened sometimes#also i didnt know the amount until i actually started to have to track it for the heart monitor#and maybe im not drinking Enough water but i genuinely dont think thats the main issue#i could be completely wrong but it feels like its more than that#we’ll see i guess#once im done with this and they get the results in and decide if they want to just brush it off or whatever#also had a nurse who was like weirdly insistent that i mustve been drinking a shit ton of soft drinks#just cause i mentioned that ill have a soft drink with meals sometimes (not nearly to the extent she was trying to say)#and she wouldnt believe me or my mom when we said that the soft drinks are pretty much always zero-sugar zero-caffeine#tachycardia#i mean thats what the doctor said it looks like#i dont really know what else to tag#chronic illness#maybe???#i dont know i dont have a diagnosis or anything so i dont wanna be like “oh thats def what that is”#also#pots#possibly#i did a shit ton of research on my own and i just really felt like what i was experiencing was lining up with it#but i dont wanna self diagnose
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ambrose and artemis just regularly resort to extreme methods to protect the things they love and i kind of love that for them. they're both insane. Fr runs in the family
#— the child of abundance.#— the huntress.#Blah blah blah ummmm something something. They are not all that different from that which they hate (i.e. the destruction)#also perhaps there is something to be said about the parallels between lan and artemis#like mentor like student 🤷♀️#lan and artemis when there is no difference between the salvation they offer and the destruction they bring:#maybe artemis did learn something from them after all. Though it's debateable whether that is good or bad#Unrelated thoughts but i like to think artemis used to be more merciful and more regretful of taking the lives of others#it still weighs on her now but much less so and she is far more eager to end a life (though not like. for fun or anything.)#this also applies to ambrose--they werre *far* gentler hundreds (perhaps thousands) of years ago.#but both cousins have been mangled a little by the eldritch powers they have become entangled with.#(ambrose to a far larger extent; artemis still clings to her humanity more than her cousin does.)
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Random headcanon
Sonic as werehog suffers from back pain and is generally more comfortable moving on all fours instead of walking on two legs because the transformation is more suited for quadrupedal movement and not bipedal
That's why he looks like he's slouching all the time he physically cannot stand up fully straight without being constantly uncomfortable
#ramblings#this by extention means ruby has chronic back pain from forcing themself to stand up straight to look more normal#even though it's far more confortable to walk and run on all fours#puts a lot of pressure on their back#... i wonder if this could also apply to furry characters#especially those with digitigrade legs#hm#anyways back to sonic#everyone tells him his posture sucks but he can't help it#if anything it's better for his body to not stand up straight so he doesn't put as much strain on his spine#he could probably use a massage#or a back brace maybe? but those are designed for humans so that might not work well for him#maybe tails could design one specifically for him#knowing him he wouldn't wear it much tho#with his distaste for wearing clothes and all#well he mostly just doesn't like wearing pants so he might still wear it#hm now i'm thinking of maybe designing one for him#maybe i'll doodle him wearing one in between the other stuff i said i'd draw
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tags continued from prev post.
#and all of this is true while it is ALSO true that her songs age incredibly well#even debut or random soundtrack songs or endgame#whatever song people try to put on the worst Taylor songs list NEVER QUITE BELONGS#it doesn’t feel right. and to some extent occasionally in mercurial flashes I feel the same about her BEST songwriting list#I can never rank anything of hers ever because she can write better than she has written#if anything finds her own songwriting dead it’s what her future self will be able to achieve#and I think sometimes even the public can SENSE this about her and it’s part of why people are sooooo hard on her in a brutal way#and in a way they never are with other artists. who have reached the limits of their potential#Taylor has not reached the limits —that’s the simple way of saying it#in some way she is still figuring out the artist she is going to be#and I really do think that it is going to be absolutely astonishing#because in some ways (this is going to sound crazy) she is still distracted by her success and her tour#she’s NOT but I mean. the canon hasn’t been fully set free#there are still somehow things holding her back#and we’ve watched her outstrip so much of those early confines that fame and the business of the music industry strapped around her#we’ve seen her say ‘that doesn’t apply to me’#but actually she’s going to and she needs to and I believe she WILL continue to move into rarefied air#my mom helped me give me the final piece of this feeling (and it’s just a deep gut intuition/brain chemical thing for me)#when she said one day almost in mild exasperation: maybe one day Taylor will grow into a Dolly Parton#and something CLICKED#in my brain. and I don’t agree with my mom in terms of her non-interest in Taylor (as much as it has pained me to do so)#I think she’s worth loving and paying attention to now#but that gap that exists between people who love her and people who don’t (full time haters internet trolls do not interact)#I think it’s going to close with time as her work stretches out and out and grows and changes#like I think by the end of her career we are going to have something so astonishing#and to loop it back for a second to a previous thought. I think that’s why sometimes a taylor song can sound disjointed to me. because it#will hit the Depths of the Depth for a second. it will transcend and then it will go back to merely being an excellent pop song#those flashes are everywhere in her work but I think she is going to work and hone them into being conductors of light in a more steady way#the older she gets. does this sound INSANE. idk sometimes I think it does and then sometimes I think it DOESNt. so who knows. but yeah#it’s hard to say because I know it will read as more critical of Taylor than I mean it to be. when really I mean it with so much awe
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“In general I find the idea of being with a man disgusting but I don’t find it disgusting with him”
- spoken by a lesbian
#then I call myself straight yet I find it disgusting in every way LOOLLLL MAYBE IM NOT STRAIGHT AT ALL 😭#except maybe that one hs guy but like#I think I’d be disgusted if I learned more about him#dora daily#though I’m#not gay because I literally have no comment about women they’re just there yk IDK HOE TO EXPLAIN IT#though the reason I’m disgusted is cause there is not a single normal dude I’ve met ever 😭 they’re all grotesque PLS GOD I JUST EANT TO MEET#A NORMAL DUDE NOT FOR ANY REASON APART FROM HAVING HOPE THEY EXIST#I want to prove myself right that they exist LOL#like I have my dad and brother (they’re not the best examples of good dudes) then my little brother (but he’s too young for me to form an#opinion)#Then my cousins … no comment uhm#yeah lowkey weirdos for liking a girl who was in primary school while they were in middle or high school#then there’s the randoms irl who no matter how well things seem to go they always say something weird that makes you go of course he said#that he’s a man 😭#had to take a step back when mashaAllah boy said he sympathises with the dude who killed women because he was a loser who couldn’t get a gf#BRUH#it’s through this that I realise to some extent how bad relationships have a grip on people and just how much I clearly don’t understand#about others. IF I GET HARASSED INTO MARRIAGE PLS I JUST WANT AN AROACE DUDE LIKE LISTEN IF ALHAITHAM WAS IRL I WOULD BE THRIVING CAUSE HES#VERY AROACE IN MY HEART#I just want to co exist with someone like in an ultimate bestie kind of way is that too much to ask 😓
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Tell me what u think dazai would be like with a pet (type of pet is your choice whatever u think he’d have 🫶)
i think realistically he'd probably not be the most responsible pet owner... HOWEVER annoying cat owner dazai is kind of dear to my heart. but i also feel like its funnier when the cat in question is atsushi
#all his pets are other people because he cant actually trust himself to take care of something that depends solely on him#ALL that being said i think dazai with some weirdly resistant stall prize goldfish would definitely fit#goldfish singular that is#get him on an arc like that 4chan greentext post about the guy with the shrimp#maybe not to its entire extent but i think him genuinely putting the effort into having a decent set up and food for#a bag goldfish he thought wasn't going to live another week when he first brought it home#i think itd probably make a neat story. something about resilience and self care idk#thats way off topic though yfhgfhfhrrheh#ANYWAY if dazai had a cat fr i think hed be one of those 'it can do no wrong' types. kunikida kun theyd never even hurt a fly !!!#meanwhile hes encouraging them to mess with shit#its the cat to cat communication#aethers asks
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)
me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha
#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at#like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here!#i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE#i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality#and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way#& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person#but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone#like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH#idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better#and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell#not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell#that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point#i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people#and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off#when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards#hella goes home
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wait what do i make a zine about
ideas are ok if anyone has some
(i think replies to this will be on?
im not sure how that works here)
#other post#-p2#cl said i should do one as my activity so#ig thats drawing still#things i know about or care about enough: being a alter. dissociation in general. being a dog alterhuman. uh being “less-than-a-person”#(no one said that to me its how i feel-- yea i know its not healthy etc)#id do something about the others im our area of the inner world but wolf says thats not allowed -- something abt safety#oh i dont want to do anything about trauma#me and one of the newer fragments just found out about the uh extent of it and im a little sort of 'dont want to think abt it'#maybe ill talk to the therapist abt it and abt my drinking urges#maybe it can help the newer one i mentioned too hes got the latter issue too#anyway#uh i#i had a additional thought what was it#no its gone#what do i know thats happy#uh#dog stuff. dogs in general. match 3 games (you know like the pokemon puzzle one on gameboy)#thats all i can think of#im#i dont have a lot of things i like yet#holy shit you are a yapper - Wolf
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how i look with he/him pronouns in my bio
#jokes. theyre not my first preferred pronouns but lmao#i want a haircut so bad. but im toughing it out#what for???? on principle at this point#me#lady at the pharmacy said she liked my overalls i was like omg thank u....#anyway also i need a haircut becos if i get called maam when i dont intend for it one more time im gonna go batshit.#u cant see the extent of it cos i usually have it up but. theres a lotta fucking hair.#but the front isnt long enough to keep back with it....#i feel like maybe if ALL of it was back id get maamed less. cos u can see my developing widows peak LMAO#obviously i would have been fine with it here. but i got maamed on the flight back when i was#at my worst and greasiest. already unpleasant experience made worse
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were you run off a discord server or did you repeatedly vaguepost and outright attempt to mock the literal creator (and the other mods) of the server on your blog when you thought they couldn't see and then leave of your own volition when they privately asked you about it
#and is it really that someone who liked you reposted a meme you made to the server#if its still upsetting you now to the extent that it is stifling your creativity maybe you should have said somethin to the mods#or the person who posted it#anyway sorry man idk what to tell you#look ma! i can vaguepost too! its only a quick turn off the high road#like lets play silly buggers why the fuck not. not like we are all adults xx
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literally my biggest weakness as a writer is that i’m fucking terrible at conveying any kind of meaningful plot or character development without racking up a huge word count. i have no idea how people are able to pull off 15k long fics that somehow still have satisfying character arcs and plot threads. i always feel like i need SO much space to make everything flow naturally otherwise it just reads as really rushed and shallow
#i’m bad with it with academic writing too#i always get told off for going way over the word limit but i literally cannot help it#i think it’s partly because i have this all consuming fear of being misinterpreted#so maybe i overexplain and i feel the need to delve into every aspect of something to the fullest extent#i’m fucking stanislavskian that way. it doesn’t feel real unless every detail is in some way perceivable#i want you to be able to trace everything about a character even if it isn’t explicitly said or shown#because people are the most intricate patchworks of everything that’s ever happened to them and everyone they know#how can i condense it and keep them three dimensional#i do not know how. it’s so frustrating
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I said it at the time and having just scrolled past a post attempting to summarize the Events of Nov 5th 2020 I stand by the sentiment: it doesn’t matter how you explain it there is no way to explain the sheer visceral impact of the sentence “Destiel is canon”—and the fact that this became a true statement in 2020—to someone who was not around for at least some of the years when Supernatural was not just big but nigh inescapable. Like, I’m sorry, but if you don’t have some backlog knowledge of Supernatural’s Got A Gif For Every Post and the Mishapocalypse and Dean In Gym Shorts then I can’t help you, I can’t explain it, no human language I am aware of has yet come up with words adequate to describe the scale of surreality that occurred that night
#supernatural#the post I saw said spn was having a renaissance which is also just wrong#it wasn’t. it wasn’t at all#it had maybe lured a tiny handful of people back in depressed fascination to watch the finale#since we’d gotten confirmation it was Actually For Reals Ending by then I’m pretty sure#but it wasn’t having any kind of real resurgence#I don’t think even what happened after can be described as a renaissance#but to the extent there was a spike in interest: it was BECAUSE of nov 5th#it was because ‘destiel is canon’ activated us all like a fucking sleeper agent#very very confused sleeper agents who thought their always-somewhat-aspirational nation state had been dissolved years ago#and instead had suddenly been told ‘congratulations boys you can all go home! we won!’#anyway the point is this didn’t come from any like. growing renewed interest#we all just got told the one thing we were EXTREMELY SURE the show would NEVER DO#(and I do mean the one thing bc that show jumped so many sharks it was parasailing over them)#had just Actually Fucking Happened and we all lost our whole minds immediately and VERY loudly
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this is like my second post abt this in a row within 5 minutes but npd + autism is knowing more about your friends special interests than they do & correctly fact-checking them on their own outdated info numerous times, or just never saying anything abt it bcs u feel like some wise intelligent above-the-others soul letting the kids have their fun
#npd#narcissistic personality disorder#autism#i think it's because i have this special interest#idk how to categorise it#i don't wanna say a special interest in Learning because i don't like all subjects At All (though i like a lot)#but there's definitely a pool of topics with some similarities and i'll very often indulge in these topics. but maybe not to the extent#someone who's EXCLUSIVELY into one of these topics might#& i also tend to fact check a lot. i'm not gonna trust something just because it was said in a documentary in 2015#so that just gives me a lot of General Knowledge on things#to me it's really insulting and triggering to the npd when someone's explaining a special interest and goes “Did You Know” & explains#smth i Been knew about & i just have to nod along#but sometimes that whole “wow this person actually doesn't rlly know what they're talking abt” helps unironically
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