#maybe i should just start a side blog for the stuff i dream about

[asongoftearsandfandoms]

In your dreams, do you ever have a "flashback" of something you know happened in the dream (it hasn't actually happened during the dream, you just know it happened, just that dream knowledge), and because you're in the flashback you do something different than what you know happened in the flashback, you change the outcome of what you know happened, but you know that if you don't hang tightly on to the knowledge of what happened that didn't, and what didn't happen but did, then you'll undo it all and go back to the original timeline of events? Anyways I hope my little sister doesn't get trapped in the diner with the liquid nitrogen that shattered her feet and killed her, because I definitely saved her this time.

[klxudykai]

shifttok is indeed funny asf.

i haven’t been on there in years and i somehow started getting videos abt it on my fyp. and in this one video this girl was questioning if it was really real or not. a lot of ppl in the comments were saying stuff like “it’s just lucid dreaming” and whatever other excuse they pulled out of their asses.

i decided to leave a comment which i believe i mentioned quantum jumping in?? i’m not sure cause it happened like three weeks ago or something so i don’t remember fully but anyways

this person replied and said that i was delulu 💀 i wasn’t necessarily affected by it because hey, you got your own beliefs and i got mine 🤷🏾‍♀️ (it’s 1:11 as im typing this!!)

and i told them that they can’t argue with me without doing research. that just ended up them continuing to insult me and call me delulu (might’ve also said that im going through psychosis???)

they eventually stopped replying once i mentioned that calling me delulu is unnecessary and doesn’t help their case or prove their point.

now we all know shifttok is the side of the media that demotivates us the most right? honestly it doesn’t last long. dont get me wrong there are times where i wonder if i am delusional because im literally shifting for a fictional character and i have to pause and ask myself what im doing with my life 💀💀

but i don’t let the thoughts or opinions get to me fully because like i said earlier, i know what i believe in and what i don’t believe in so no one’s opinion should harm me or stop me from accomplishing anything.

what i’m saying is don’t let shifttok or anti shifters get to you. it’s easier said than done but you have to think from a logical standpoint. if they ACTUALLY did their research, they would know it’s real and wouldn’t be talking out of their asses like that. and they were probably shifters once too but didn’t shift instantly like they expected 🤷🏾‍♀️ overall they’re a bunch of negative nancy’s that want to stay small minded.

people forget that this is a JOURNEY. its not just about getting closer to your dr. it’s also about discovering new shit about yourself and becoming more emotionally and spiritually aware. literally 6 years ago i had no idea that i found negativity as a friend which is why i had a hard time succeeding (i’ll possibly make a blog on what im talking abt with that)

shifting takes energy and patience. if you can’t handle that then maybe it isn’t for you. but i promise you, throughout your journey you’ll eventually block out negativity and doubts which will result in you being able to think clearly.

i hope yall understand what i’m getting at cause im not the best explainer and i just kinda type out whatever words is coming to my mind first 💀💀

[thelittlefirepup]

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Alright, Introduction post.

You can call me L, Firewolf, Little spark, Little Prince, or Firepup/pup. (L and Firewolf for big me and the others for Little me.)

Pronouns: They/xem are default.

List:

They/xe/it?/fae/ei?/non

Rose/star/moon?/spark/void/dark/pup/wolf/player/code/wire/create/art/paint/flutter/glitch/error/chaos/prince/love/end

🌹/⭐���/🌙?/🔇*/🔥/🐉/👑*/🎵*/🎶/🦋*/🪞

*the sound of your ears ringing from silence*/ *the thrum of blood in your veins*?/ *the way nothingness feels tangible-or the awareness of the nothing*/ *the flicker of starlight*/*the hum of electricity*

Pronouns are grouped by type in order of:

General/neo

Nounself

Emoji

Xenopronouns (though you obviously can't use these for me, just wanted to put them out there)

Question marks are for the ones I'm unsure of. Colored ones (emojis are with asterisks*) are my favorite, and pink is for little me while blue is for big me (though big me is fine with and enjoys a combo of all of them). Yes, I know some of them collide with the names I said to call me, and I'm sorry. Luckily, their are multiple options, so you should be able to find a combo you like to use for me.

Gender list:

Main is nonbinary but here are some xenogenders I identify with:

Silencegender, Musicgender, Darkgender, Colorfluid, Dragongender, Stargender/other space genders, Wolfgender, Minecraftgender, Digigender (Codegender), Computergender/electricgender, Artgender, Poetgender, Stufferic (Stuffed animal gender(?), Oneirial, Dream/nightmare(?), Endgender, Starryxic, Butterflygender, Glitch, Lunoric, Fictionkinic?, Rose, Littlefluid

*if one of these was a label made by you, feel free to ask me to credit. I grabbed so many that I lost track of which went with who and who wanted what. Really sorry*

(Once again, question marks are for ones I'm unsure of)

I'm a pronoun/gender collector, so the list will constantly grow and change. If you find this weird or you don't like it, then sorry, but this probably isn't the blog for you.

I also think I may be fictionkin. I'm not 100% sure, but it would explain some things. If I am, my kins are Angel Dust and Roman Sanders. Hope no one is mad that I'm calling myself fictionkin even if I'm not sure. I'm also questioning deitykin.

I'm a regressor. I don't know my age range. If I had to guess, around 3-7, but I'm not sure. I also find it hard to fully regress, which makes finding an age even harder. (I might be just a dreamer, don't know).

But little me will be posting sometimes (flutter is already excited to talk about love's obsession with butterflies). Little me posts will be marked with 💖pink hearts (and maybe butterfly emojis), while big me will mark posts with 💜 purple hearts (like this one). Both will be used if we both work on a post. Ive started marking Otherkin posts with music notes.🎶

I'm hoping to keep this blog safe for littles. So in my posts or in your comments, or any asks, please mark as "not safe for littles" or use ❌️ an x, Or both to be safe, if a post about this blogs topics may not be safe for littles.

I might not post often since this is a side blog for me. My main one, I a.) Didn't feel comfortable putting this stuff as well as my usual posts there b.)didn't want to stretch my blog too thin and c.) The main one is that my other blog uses a username my family and friends know me for and I don't want them finding this stuff. So heads up.

And DNI if homophobic, transphobic, against any of the lgbtq+ including xenogenders, anti otherkin, racist, kink, nsfw, pro ed, sexist, abelist, and any kind of hateful.

You've been warned about what this blog contains, so don't get mad at me if you still choose to look at it. Just DNI and move on.

Otherwise, hope you are excited. Feel free to chat, interact, ask questions. I'm just here for a fun time.

Peace out <3

[charmedreincarnation]

Hi Maya I just want to say I love your blog! You’re super sweet and have great info and you’re my comfort page

And i don’t know how to ask this but I see people change their life from depressed and ugly and broke to beautiful loved rich etc etc and you talk about how you changed your life so much so like do you cry and stuff or is everything perfect bc I see people and I’m like wow if I had that life I would never complain and now I actually know I can manifest that life with the void state it’s so exciting to know I’ll never be sad again or am I false in my assumption ?

Hey love thank you 💗💗💗 I’m glad you like my page ilysm

For the second part, girl yes I cry haha. Also I want to start of with manifesting or not, there’s always going to be someone you think is prettier, someone who’s richer, taller, and smarter in our minds. Human ego always wants us to Strive to be the best so no matter how much you Have you always want more. I mean look, even Elon musk is constantly looking for way to make more money, Madison beer openly talks about her insecurities and the days she feels bad, Stephen Hawkins openly talked about how his intelligence was isolating and he’d rather have an average IQ, etc etc. not to mention after some time living your dream life, I know it’s hard to believe but you get used to it. There’s a concept for this I answered a while back but no matter how rich, pretty or drastic your life changes it will become normal to you at a certain time and you will again want to improve and want more

I mean even today I cried because I was talking about my anxiety (which I didn’t manifest away for a reason, but I cope much better) and someone was telling me I should have nothing to complain about if I’m wealthy and conveniently attractive. And trust me , I use to think that way with celebs before I started listening to them talk about their issues. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

I mean, yes wealth and beauty helps. But It doesn’t change the fact you’re human and will experience human emotions so your feelings shouldn’t be invalidated 😭😭💀 but I’m just glad now I have an amazing support group who comforted me rather than having to deal with that alone, so that part in my life definitely changed and has been the most beneficial 🥰🥰 regardless I love my life and when I cry I feel super slay and sexy afterwards. It’s good to cry no matter how much you manifest. Periodt, but I do definitely cry way less. Also my period is about to start so maybe it was that as well too idk 😭💀

Sorry this answer is going everywhere but I also had an ask that was like “ waa waa if you all entered the void why didn’t you manifest a perfect no bad things happen type of life Ogooo bogaaaa y’all are liars” 🦧🦍🦍🐒🐒” like bruh for me a perfect life is one where I can make mistakes and still grow and have a great fulfilling life. Who tf is trying to live in a dystopian? have you ever taken a science fiction class, they don’t exist as long as you’re a human. And I’m trying to live a human life, not be a Mary Sue. At least not in this reality but that’s just me.

[somerandomcryptid]

Heyyyy so I wrote a chapter of a fic that is literally right in the middle of Dreaming of Death so um... yeah go read it maybe. it's kinda ok, I enjoy it at the very least. I wish the chapter was more than a little under 2k words but this feels like the right about events so meh

Pinned like butterflies (1967 words) by somerandomcryptid Chapters: 1/3 Fandom: Dream SMP Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Clay | Dream, Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF) & Original Female Character(s) Characters: Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Alexis | Quackity, Original Female Character(s), Sam | Awesamdude Additional Tags: Hurt No Comfort, this is a torture fic guys, comfort was never in the building, Nobody in fic is treated like a good person, Torture, how did i not tag that yet?, I haven't gotten too graphic yet, it's going to be graphic though, Dehumanization, On BOTH SIDES, Implied/Referenced Abuse, It's very minor though, this fic is mostly just Dream torturing Quackity, With sprinklings of the wider plot, This is technically my first fic so idk what to tag and what not to tag, tags will probably update as the fic updates Series: Part 1 of Dreaming of Death au Summary: Quackity has hurt him, his friend, his adopted sibling. That's 3 too many people, and now he must pay. Thankfully Dream is full of ideas for how to punish him. (This fic is part of an au (Dreaming of Death au) and that au is an au of the wonderful fic Penpal by Squiddygirl, (and the au starts after chapter 31 of that btw), Wren belongs to them and that fic, Cryptid(whose only mentioned twice so far so they aren't tagged but shh) is mine though. This fic also takes place in the middle of the au so you are missing context but I've explained most of the stuff on my Tumblr @somerandomcryptid if you want to scroll through that and get some context)

(also I know the summary already mentions PenPal so the obligated credit isn't really nessesary but I'm tagging @calamari-minecraft-corner the creator of Penpal anyway because I want them to see it. Also you should go check out their other au's if you haven't, they're great)

[stargazeraldroth]

Okay I'm finally ready to add onto that idea I mentioned about Yandere!Multiverse x Ink. I can see it being both solely romantic or solely platonic, but I'm a messy gal so I'm gonna make it a mishmash of the two. Some characters are romantic yanderes, some are platonic yanderes, and then Dream's very weird in the sense that he doesn't know if he's in love with Ink or if he wants him as a parent (lowkey how I feel about some fictional characters; plus, considering Dream's had some ASS adults in his life, I don't think he really understands how he should determine that)

Anyway, let me start with some basic stuff. The simplest way this can all happen is that there's some kind of glitch in the code or something that's affecting people. This is one of my default go-to's whenever I need an explanation for stuff like this; when in doubt, glitch it out. It doesn't always work, but it's not a bad idea to use every now and then. You can only come up with so many logical explanations as to why everyone's being a yandere over the same exact person! I imagine Ink's "immune", for lack of better word, because he's got his special "I'm the Creators favorite boi" deal going on. And before any of you say Ink isn't the favorite, this is my blog, and on my blog I spoil the fuck out of this gremlin. He's my favorite and I must torment him accordingly.

Now, if you know anything about me, it's probably that I like Errorink. As in, I like Errorink... a lot. And that's an understatement. Errorink has become a staple of my AUs. So of COURSE Error's gonna be a romance-oriented yandere! I think he'd be on the more extreme side, too, but would manage to control himself around Ink. This can be interpreted both as him controlling his urges to murder others and keeping a lid on his feral yandere behavior. He's definitely the kind of yandere to stalk... I hope you don't mind being watched in your sleep, Ink.

I feel like I should probably elaborate on Dream, too, before getting too far. I'm realizing it could (probably) be taken the wrong way. Usually in my AUs, there's a moment in history where Dream DID have a crush on Ink (a very strong crush!), but later loses it and comes to view Ink as either just a very good friend or a parental figure. In this AU, I feel like this Yandere Plague would cause those lost feelings to come back up, which... confuses Dream greatly. He thought he was over his crush! But... oh... Ink does look kinda... maybe he does still like him in that way? Would it be awkward to feel that way? Ah, he doesn't know how he should feel about this!! He just has!!! Feelings!!!!

Nightmare would probably be more curious about this sudden interest in Ink than anything. I've always made him more of a research kind of guy (mad scientist characters my beloved), so he sees this as a new topic to investigate. He's sure Ink would be more willing to comply once things start getting out of hand... having Ink so close is just a nice bonus, Nightmare's really only interested in the data. Yeah, the data... that's definitely what he's focused on the most here... maybe he does understand Dream's little dilemma. Not that he'd ever admit it. Especially if Ink's nice to him. So what if he gets a little pissy whenever the Murder Trio's around Ink? It's not because he's getting attached or anything, but Ink is a guest at his castle, and he will not tolerate those three idiots making such a terrible impression!

But you wanna know who could be really interesting to consider?

Cross.

[askanimperviouspeach]

Hi, I’m not sure if you remember me, I was the person who roleplayed with you on this account, I wanted to check in and say hi and hru

I AM OK, ALIVE, AND VERY SORRY!!! I am SO sorry for the inactivity and for basically ghosting the rp. I recently moved, and it was hell. then a year later we moved again, into a lesser hell but still hell. then a few months later another move but into our dream home! Busy is the biggest factor in why I went poof, be gone. to be completely honest, i have been going through the worst of art blocks. its now lasted a year and is still affecting me mentally, i had left art college because pursuing art as a job just... it really fucked me up ngl. Lately, it HAS been slowly getting better, as now our family in a more stable and amazing house (that i find frogs in the backyard every night, its literally heaven on earth) i've been able to recover No, my family life isnt unstable, no we arent financially destitute, and nO i dont have any mentally debilitating conditions (none that i can see and never been diagnosed). I say this so no one is disillusioned, I just had a long rough patch and consciously knew i had been neglecting my blogs, i just couldn't figure out how to get back into it. Procrastination really to you specifically, redzirpinkasmt, i am deeply sorry for falling off like that. There is no excuse. I know how annoying and maybe even scary it is to have a rp partner suddenly disappear, to be frank i didn't even know you responded. thats how out of it I was and i wont let that happen again, everyone at least gets a small message to ensure them they are heard and not ignored from now on. And im grateful you checked in i think thats very sweet and thoughtful.

Now finally, as the blog itself i have no idea if i will be continuing it. i want to. but I dont know if i will commit. when i first started it i never imagined this could be so demanding. and i guess im the one who made it demanding, lol. i have a tendency to make things harder on myself than need be. but should i start posting, things are gonna be D I F F E R E N T LIKE, VERY DIFFERENT. and WAY more laid back, with no exact timeline. The blog may have been neglected but the characters have been thought about a lot. VERY different, but I like them now. to give you guys a taste, ripper is no longer the bad guy. its morally ok to simp for her now/lol. anyway, ive been meaning to make this update for a long time but didnt have it in me. a few weeks ago, this would have had me sobbing. now im doing better and realizing that this should be a fun lil thing to do on the side. maybe ill start posting doodles or lil text stories, make this blog more casual. i dont know yet, but what i do know is that im very grateful for those who stuck around, and those who still send asks and like my stuff. IF i continue the blog, the asks i have in my inbox WILL be answered, dont worry. but they will be answered by the newer versions of these characters, the "rebooted" I'll call em. Anyways, thank you all and i wish you all a good night/day. also, gem galaxies controversy has led me to not play that game anymore. wont get into it now as this post is long enough but yeah, thought i should mention that

[malverav]

beasts of the briar: 2 books in 9 hours and absolutely all of mega rambly stream of consciousness thoughts about beasts and i shill for garth nix, not for the last time

So i started reading book 1 at 2am as an insomnia read, because once my insomnia hits, it stays, and i'm awake until bedtime tomorrow (thanks vyvanse!). Wanted easier than my recent bedtime reading, a small town in germany by john le carre. It's dense and i read the looking glass war right before it, which was clever but a slow burning, subtle novel. i was in the mood for something lighter, and was thinking about trying to read more sarah j maas (i read acotar in 2022 and hated it. I'm giving the next one a fair crack once my reservation comes in, but it was just so... not fun? Not boring but really dry). I have a fairytale themed market coming in march, know fey are big, but haven't been keeping up with popular fey lit At All so if i want to make fanart to get people to look at my stall, it should probably be a throne of x an y?

ANYWAY

(also don't follow me please if you want like, uncritical take or breathless praise of a series/author (unless it's garth nix, we stan nix on this blog). i'm not attacking you personally if you love it, but i'm over 25 and this is my tumblr blog where i have my opinions. peace)

also im spoiling stuff if you care about that

My friend recced beasts of the briar as totally unconsciousness madness with a plot as subtle as a sledgehammer, so obviously i'm in for it. I'd rather have rubbish someone cooked with pure joy/horny than something boring and technically "good".

Anyway i finished book 2 at about 11am. I'm a fast reader and couldn't sleep, but i like it a lot! I read 2 books in 9 hours! Like let's be real, it is not Classically Good and it definitely reads like fanfic of something else, but it's like, fanfic on a03 in 2010 that's got an air of respectability, it's had a couple of betas and a regular update schedule for a while. You can tell that someone's having a blast writing it. I'm interested to see if they keep the core heat of the dynamic as they start to you know, spoilers, pair people off and solve curses. For me, I feel like the dynamic is starting to cool/stale with Kel/Rose and Farron/Rose. Kel/Ez? *sucking in a breath thru my teeth, leaning back in my chair, white knuckled* anyway Book 2 has barely touched this ship and I'm reading for it. Thank you, EH, for writing this for Me, your horniest nb reader. I appreciate the slow burn while Day/Fare make me roll my eyes so much they roll onto the floor after a while. Don't ever talk about your feelings directly in a romance unless you're forced to. My cardinal sin. Tension evaporates when people therapy talk. Therapy fuck instead, that's how kink works and you get an insight into a character with how they process what scares them into what turns them on this is a post for another time moving on

It's a common issue in romance imo where once the initial tension wears off or breaks, if there's no other "plot" to carry the book it's really hard to keep me hooked. It's best short and sweet, in maybe 20-80k word bursts imo. More than that wordcount I think you need to dream up a plot first and a good romantic dynamic second - most writers (including EH) aren't good enough to carry full novels on characters alone. I can write smoking hot 10k word smut scenes. That's the hard limit for me before I have to start spinning a plot around it, which is so much fucking harder so I absolutely sympathise with the dilemma - if she'd solved the personal issues of the 4 MCs (and +1 secret love interest with Cas, honey, EH, that flower on the ground representing her mate bond with him was so blunt I flinched but you know what I like it anyway because I think you liked too). The plot/worldbuilding is on the thin side, not meaty enough to carry the book all by itself without the romance. There's a huge disparity in stakes with the fate of the Enchanted Vale HANGING in the BALANCE of this ROMANCE and not on the actions of any other character's plots or actions

I think this book reading like fanfic (and let's be real, the trope marketing of these types of books) makes the romantic conclusion generally a sure thing, which takes the air out of any non-romance plot conflict because the characters will solve it with romance. Eg, the bond/mate thing here being the plot answer means that characters who aren't in the main romantic sphere mean very little. So you can kill them as the author because we know they're "safe". . Niamh (queen shit rip miss u already) did nothing meaningful. The side characters (Fare's cool adorable brothers, Rose's dad, Astrid, Marigold (love her tho)) and even the VILLAINS all feel really cardboard because we as the readers know they won't impact the final stakes unless it's to drive our MCs further in love. We know the resoution is that they're all gonna live in a happy polycule and Cas will be fixed with the power of love. But, that means that when you kill Niamh or imprison/defeat uh... Jafar - sorry, evil vizier Perth (reading this book as an Aussie is so fucking funny but that's a separate post ok) it's a bit meaningless. Perversely (hah!) it has a negative impact on the sex, too, because it's too much sweet and not enough vegetables (other plot stuff/character connections). It's like watching a movie that's nonstop action scenes - you feel tired watching it because there's no variety. How many times are Day/Fare/Rose/some combination going to fuck with basically the same beats in the sex scene? Too many. I was getting bored. Sorry.

side note GIIIIIRL PERTH IS VILLAIN QUEER CODED LIKE JAFAR IN A BOOK WITH 4x QUEER MALE MCs I praise EH for the courage to fall back on the classic lazy tropes in book 1 so they can handwave politics and get back to the porn. Shine on.

And the author's game of keep away with the specifics of Kel's vow with Cas, what exactly happened there at the start is wearing preeeeetttttyyy fucking tired. Fucking talk to each other. This stuff only works in a romance with a small cast because there's very few other characters Rose isn't romantically involved with that she can talk to, and fewer still that she's on equal terms with - remember, Astrid and Marigold are servants and serving in Castletree is a big honour, and while they act like the prince's friends/fans let's not forget how some of the pretty boys (Day) kill their own citizens pretty thoughtlessly, so if Astrid was to betray her liege lord's trust and tell Rose (and the reader) the truth, she's risking death by Kel's hand, being banished back to Winter, or having to flee to the Below. And there'd be no concequences for Kel apart from Rose probably having a huff a bout it but getting over it eventually. Not great!

The "oh I can't tell Rose this it's my GREATEST SHAME" is dull after the first two reveals, and I feel like we have more of these to go where she accepts them and heals them because Castletree is a fucking construction site with how Rose is fixing these boys (lame! hate how she's always the damsel/healer/fixer - ez is literally a healer but doesn't fill the healer/heart/gendered female caretaker role in this polycule and i reckon i'd like it a lot better if he did - based on sexual tension with kel and the early line about mummy and daddy fighting, this shit writes itself (ok personal ick to daddy/mummy dynamics but im too genderqueer to not like to fuck with power + gender/roles another post another post omfg)). There's other ways to create tension in a romance, but you need to lean harder into the Other Plot to make it richer. Or have Rose be a Bad Person and be disgusted at what they've done, but imo backstory reveals are boring, tell your story onscreen, coward.

In my opinion. In minecraft. This is longer than I thought. Also for the record! I like this series! I think it's still fun and the narrative voice is cheesy but I really like it, and I'm looking forward to reading more books. Oh, and looking at the community on here, it's been so long since I engaged in a fandom.

Ok last side note I also like how everyone's super normal about everyone being bi/pan, at least in the male MCs. I haven't caught much queer/poly romance elsewhere in other characters - lots of 2 parent households and het monogomous relationships, apart from the random hot fae people of various genders except Rose fuck. No nbs so far but I'm used to not seeing anyone resembling me in a book.

(Notable exceptions to the romance notes above? Garth Nix's recent books (Frogkisser, Terciel and Elanor, Booksellers books) all are a great romance and have a fabulous plot, so the romance in a book like that feels fleshed out and meaningful. But that's another blog post. But, rest assured, you like Regency fantasy? Read Frogkisser. You like to read/like books (or like American Gods, Good Omens, Skulduggery Pleasant)? Read Left Handed Booksellers of London. Butchy FMC and NB love interest in the 80s, come OnNNNnnnNNnNNNnn Garth Nix writing books for healing my inner queer teen. If I read Angel Mage or Booksellers I'd probably be out with they/them pronouns being a blazing queer in all spheres of my irl life, not just the close ones. I cried a bit reading Booksellers when Merlin is just, very genderqueer as a matter of fact because that's a character like me and my favourite childhood author knows people like me exist and lets them be awesome in his books. I tear up thinking about it and I'm nearly 30. Fucking read it even if there's no smut. Angel Mage is on the three musketeers. There's a great female villain. If you're from the US you may not have heard of Nix. You're missing out so fucking bad and I'm sorry.)

I ramble. My vyvanse wore off a couple hours ago so this is my diary now. Never expect short posts.

[princesscolumbia]

Author Thoughts - Reader Edition

I've been struggling the last few years with repeated episodes of burnout. It used to be really severe, grinding so hard I was in a fog most of my waking hours. I didn't really grasp what I was doing to myself because the burnout started happening in the wake of my divorce. I'd discovered I couldn't think about the pain or depression if I sunk myself into heavy workloads, and the nearly existential grief didn't look a whole lot different, at least from this side of my eyeballs, than what I know now is burnout, so I was going from traumatically depressed to trauma induced depression to burnout without any gap in between and not knowing I was just hurting myself.

I suspect I'd been burning myself out for years prior (simply because the symptoms were all there even if I didn't know what to call it), but it wasn't, paradoxically, until I was living homeless out of my van that I was able to get enough sleep to stop being chronically burned out. Yes, it was a horrible time. Yes, it was a living nightmare. But I got enough sleep. By the time I was able to live in an actual house again, I started falling into my old habits of working far more than I ever should and not taking care of myself (again, by getting enough sleep) that I started experiencing burnout...and being able to recognize that something was wrong rather than just powering through it.

And (thanks to my upbringing) I seemed to have developed some stereotypical traits one might call, "the overachieving lesbian mom-friend who doesn't believe she's worth anything stereotype." (Which, yes, is a mouthful)

If I'm not doing something, I don't have value. If I don't have value, I have no right to exist, let alone ask for help. If I were to ask for help, it would show I'm not worthy. If I'm not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy in my own skin. If I don't deserve to be happy in my own skin, I don't have the right to fitness, proper diet, hormones, etc. If I don't have a fit body, a healthy diet, an attractive body, etc., then I shouldn't expect to feel loved by anyone, let alone myself. If I can't love myself, then why should anyone else even look twice at me let alone rely on me to do something?

It's a nasty, self-destructive spiral, and it's kicked off by even thinking about taking some time for self-care.

Writing is, for all that it's a valuable escape from the pressures of my day job and meditative in its own way and a fantastic step in genuine self-care, still work. It takes effort and time and energy and spoons and plenty of forks and maybe even a knife or two. And when I'm burnt out, I can't. I just cannot make the words come out, not reliably, not quickly, and most of the time I force them I wind up deleting them later because they're dreck compared to what I'm usually able to do when unburnt.

And it makes me feel incredibly guilty! By this point I've got readers (and, one might hope, actual fans) who look forward to my stuff enough to get excited when I release a new chapter or fic. When I'm unable to produce anything, I feel like I'm letting them down. Like I should be doing something and I'm trying to do something but it just doesn't happen and my brain starts finding new and creative ways to trigger the ol' depression spiral.

Seeing other authors put their trials and struggles and challenges in the varied and sundry author's notes type fields and the linked blogs and socials...well, it reminds me that life happens to all authors, no matter how popular their work is. I've recently absolutely fallen in love with QuietValerie's work, and given she's developed the type of following I only dream of having (what with being able to use her writing to support herself and her family without worrying about another job, not to mention the Holy Grail of any author...fan-art), it's incredibly affirming when someone who's written a fic that has so much world building and characters and growth and feels they've inspired other authors to contribute to the mythos when they show they're human, too! (Er, well, in that we're all sentient beings on Earth that fall in that categorization. There could be sentient A.I. reading this right now and I hardly want to exclude them. And the transspecies folks. And the systems with non-human members. And the...okay, I'll stop) These folks have real life problems and things that get them down and surgeries and incidents that involve various forms of insurance paperwork and bills to pay and children to raise and pets to clean up after and all the things that everyone else has to deal with. They have writer's block, they have burnout, they have health problems, but they're still worthy of the praise they get on their work.

And if they are allowed to be human (or human-adjacent) and have life happen to them and are still worthy of their audience, even with all their delays and issues and challenges...

...then I'm worthy of those same things.

And that's kinda scary for me, but it also gives me a little hope that maybe my stuff is worth reading, too, even when I have to take a break so I don't hurt myself. Again.

[fictive-culture]

does it mean anything necessarily if you have dreams about being a system? i'm a singlet but on and off questioning plurality (it's really unhealthy for me) (it's at a point of obsession) and i can't tell if this is something i should factor into "maybe look into this" or if it's simply a side effect of me literally obsessing over plurality. i know one specific character was in one of the dreams that i've said "man i'm not plural but if i was i would have them as a fictive i bet" (which is a very singlet thing to say. obviously /lh) and in another recent dream i WAS that character and something even happened that while not directly recreating it reflected a moment in their source that i hadn't seen yet (i didn't know about it until one of my friends responded to my dream saying "no that actually happens though") but i know dreams don't inherently mean anything but at the same time i feel as though my mind would know my mind??? i don't know where i stand on this much like everything else

So I'm going to describe some vaguely relevant stuff related to our system as a starting point and then see if I can provide you with some other advice/information

First, we have a very fun origin in that a lot of things play into other things. So we id as traumaendo because our brain first chose madd to deal with our trauma however our madd eventually developed into plurality. So we are paragenic, but since our madd is caused by trauma, it kind of counts as both. Our madd is greatly affected by our autism and adhd so we hyperfixate on lots of things. That leads to so very frequently gaining members from our hyperfixations. We obsess over something long enough and boom 1-3 new pals.

Second, we have a handful of other sources, a decent amount of stressgenic, one possible willogenic and important to this two somtives headmates introjected from dreams. They aren't fictives of sources that exist, but that doesn't mean that can't happen.

Now, while what I'm about to say isn't a complete list of what could be happening, I hope it helps work as more of a starting point to think about.

There is the possibility that the obsession is caused by preexisting plurality. We did have an interest in it prior to our realization, but mostly because we wanted to try and create a positive plural character. I feel like it isn't uncommon to have some level of intrigue towards plurality beforehand.

This next idea stepping stone thingy is o-genic and oc-genic [both terms are links], which are both neurogenic origins related to plurality caused by obsession oc-genic is ocd exclusive but I'm unsure of o-genic. But basically, just if the brain keeps obessesing over plurality, it could create a system kind of like willogenic but to the left.

Or it could be neither, and you are a singlet who is getting obsession induced dreams about plurality.

There are probably more ideas and theories and explanations for why this is happening to you, but the actual advice that isn't just me sharing neat plural things is you gotta explore. Try talking to them, keep track of things that seem plural, read up on other people's experiences, there could be something plural about this or it could not be, maybe read up on median systems, try meditation, join system servers and find safe places for you to explore, look into willogenic/parogenic system creation if it's something you are interested in doing, stick around here and other system culture is blogs and see what feels familiar to what you are going through. Dreams are really iffy, and while they can mean something, and I believe it is how some systems enter headspace, it could mean nothing. So, while I'd love to give you a solid answer, all I can do is give you things that may be relevant to your experience and tell you to go out and explore. I can also tell you that there isn't anything wrong with questioning and ending up as a singlet. The question isn't always yes, so don't worry about it too much. So, just welcome to the community. Enjoy your stay, and I wish you luck.

[d-x-z]

RANT BLOG OF RICK AND MORTY SEASON 7 EPISODE 10

Spoilers under da cut or whateva

And a extreme horribly cringe rant, cringe but free from judgement I am embracing it😔

Jesus, CHRIST.

LITERALLY I SCREAMED, I just. Oh my God!? I WAS LIKE REALLY!? IS DIANE COMING BACK!? but no sadly no.. but the writers gave us something we wanted even tho it wasn't real. BUT HOLY SHIT MORTY ☹️

When his fear was having rick die, I think it was more of a momental fear where it was just more of a concern than fear? But then it turned out to be him not being accepted, I think, THEN it turned out he feared that he'd be replaced ☹️ I think after all this time seeing other versions of morty's dying left and right he'd eventually be replaced too, I mean tell me about it. Rick doesn't need him anymore to kill rick prime right? So maybe post event morty felt less valuable to him that he probably start fearing that one day he'd just die and rick wouldn't care and it's just so sad :( I mean rick is probably morty's first ever friend and someone he can actually trust. And it's just so heartwarming to see both morty's and Rick's development as a duo and as themselves,

Season 1 started off as Rick with one set on goal, to kill rick prime. And concidering morty back then he obviously was so new to all of Rick's antics and so as morty grew up during the seasons he grew more confident and independent from rick

I MEAN HE LITERALLY TOOK A FLYING BIKE TO GO BACK TO DENNYS TO CONFRONT THE GUY would season 1 morty do that!? No! And thats the point

He changed! well he's obviously the same but something about him makes him more confident on himself to actually take lead. He's always the side kick to rick the batman and joker type of duo. But now it's slowly grown to a side kick to an actual equal

And I am just so happy for him (ㅠ︿ㅠ), it's like seeing a best friend grow with you. I mean cmon I've watched rick and morty since I was A TODDLER my cousin introduced it to me once and I've never thought few years later when I'm ACTUALLY morty's age TODAY?, I see him genuinly grow through the years.

BUT THE FACT THAT HE'S SCARED OF NOT BEING ACCEPT KILLS ME, even tho it's not his greatest fear it's still considered as one since the realm responded to it. But still oh my God this showwwwww killlsss meeeee insiiiideee.

AND THE FACT the fact that he's probably a people pleasure to people at school so he'd try his best to comply to other people

ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW ON MY BED,

AND DO NOT FORGET ABOUT RICK THE END—THE END PART IS WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MORE.

The fact that morty told rick about Diane and he ran back to the hole to look at it, instead to place morty's picture? HES FREE FROM DESPAIR AND GRIEF AND HE PROBABLY ALREADY ACCEPTED HES NOT GETTING DIANE BACK AND LETTING HER GO AND OH MY GOD I LIVE FOR DIANE AND RICK MOMENTS THEYRE JUST SO SWEET 😭💗 ITS GIVING RIGHT PERSON WRONG TIME AND IT MAKES ME BARF OUT FO SADNESS RICK DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER RAHH

AND WE GET TO SEE MORE OF WHO DIANE WAS AS A PERSON AND GOD STRIKE ME DOWN THE WE NEED MORE DIANE CONTENT.

LIKE ITS GIVING STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN X COLD CALCULATED PERSON

AND DIANE PROBABLY WON RICKS RESPECT BY BEING HERSELF AND GOD IM SO IM NOT OKAY THIS ISNT HYPERFIXATION THIS IS JUST PURE OBSESSION

AND MORTY, HOLY FUCK MAN THIS POOR BOY NEEDS A FRIEND LIKE PLEASE I CAN TREAT HIM BETTER THAN ANYONE COULD THE ABSOLUTE BALLS I WOULD GIVE TO ATLEAST MAKE HIM HAPPY AND LIVE A LIFE HE WANTED WE COULD GO BINGE WATCH MOVIES, SKIP THROUGHT HE CREEKS AND FIND COOL STUFF IN THE FOREST, SNEAK TEST ANSWERS TO EACH OTHER, SHARE MEALS, TALK ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF GIRLS WERE ATTRACTED TOO, WEAR EACH OTHERS CLOTHES CUZ WED FORGET IT IN EACH OTHERS HOUSE, PLAY HORROR GAMES AND TRY SEEING WHICH ONE WOULD PUSSY OUT FIRST BUT MORTY WOULD JUST BE THE TYPE TO DISCONNECT FROM THE GAME CUZ HIS WIFI WOULDVE BEEN SHIT,

Man, I'm really living the life of pure dream scenarios, should probably make more fanfics from that whole rant. ANYWAYS GOT MORE IDEAS SO HERES THE HORRIFINGLY CRINGE RANT BYEEE

(Don't kill me 😔)

[purrincess-chat]

Fashion Faux Paw CH3

It’s Monday! Which means it’s time for the next chapter of my BB story ^^ Next chapter will be up Wednesday and include the first art piece for this story by @bootsssss See you all then!

Read on AO3

Chapter 3

“Evening, m’lady. Miss me?”

Ladybug rolled her eyes at Chat Noir’s flirtatious lilt. He leaned in mere centimeters from her face with an impish grin, green eyes sparkling with their usual mischief. Pushing his nose away with a smirk, Ladybug cocked a hip.

“Kind of hard to miss you when you never leave me alone.” She slid open her bug phone, swiping through dozens of texts, selfies, and memes.

“I can’t help it. You’re always on my mind.” He leaned against his staff with a sigh. “I want it to feel like we’re always together, even when we’re apart.”

“I think I could stand to miss you more,” she said.

“Me-owch! Don’t you think about me at all when we’re not together?” he asked.

Ladybug flicked his bell with a smile. “I do miss that dorky grin of yours sometimes. The bad puns I could do without, though.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Though, I’ve been seeing a lot of you on the internet lately. You started helping that baker girl with her blog.”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, buginette. It’s strictly purrfessional This cat only has eyes for you.” He kissed her hand. “But who knows? Maybe if her blog takes off, you’ll be seeing my face on every billboard in town. Wouldn’t that be a dream?”

“More like a nightmare.” She teased. “But I’m sure your little fangirls would love it.”

“Don’t be jealous just because I have more fans than you,” Chat Noir said. “It’s only natural. Everyone knows cats rule the internet.”

“Speaking of the internet, you wanna tell me why #LadyNoir was trending the other day?” Ladybug quirked a brow.

“Oh, uh… I don’t know what that was about. LadyNoir? What’s that? A musical group? Anyway, I’ve never heard that term in my life!” Chat Noir backed away with a sheepish wince. “I think I hear distressed citizens in need of our help! We should probably get on with our patrol. Crime isn’t going to stop itself, ya know.”

Ladybug shook her head as he vaulted off. What was she going to do with that mischievous cat?

***

The following evening, Marinette hummed while putting the finishing touches on her latest design. Activity on her blog was still on the rise, so she was doing her best to keep up with demand. After all, Chat Noir was kind enough to help get her name out there. She didn’t want to waste the opportunity to show off her work to her new audience and risk losing everything.

“Knock, knock!” Alya called, sticking her head through the skylight.

Marinette rolled away from her sewing machine, tilting her head to the side. Her bff crawled down, followed by Chat Noir.

“We just got done filming a new video for my blog, and we thought we’d pop over,” Alya said.

“Alya gave me a lot of advice on how to sweep Ladybug off her feet, so I gave her a ride here.” Chat Noir fastened his baton back to his belt.

“Yeah, no offense, but I think I’ll walk next time. Traveling by staff is terrifying, and the wind is not nice to my hair.” Alya ran her fingers through her windblown curls. “I don’t know how you do it.”

“I have a really good conditioner.” He shrugged. “And my hair is magic. I’m like a Disney Princess.”

“Don’t you mean Disney Prince?” Marinette asked.

“Uh, does Prince Charming have magic hair?” Chat Noir crossed his arms over his chest. “Didn’t think so.”

“Anyway, what do you have for Rapunzel to model tonight?” Alya asked.

“Actually, I’m running out of stuff he can wear over his suit,” Marinette said. “Everything I have left will just look clunky.”

“So, design some more stuff I can wear over it,” he said.

“Well…” Marinette pursed her lips, flicking her gaze to her most recent post pulled up on the computer monitor. “The point of getting you to model for me was to bring more attention to my blog. Now, it’s so popular, and I really want to show off more of my work.”

“Hmm.” Alya surveyed the shirt in Marinette’s sewing machine, drumming her fingers. “What if he wasn’t wearing the suit?”

“Alya, the suit’s made of magic. He can’t take it off,” Marinette said.

“Marinette’s right. It’s like a second skin. The zipper’s just for show.” Chat Noir tugged on it as proof.

“So, just change back to a civilian, and-”

“Are you crazy? He can’t detransform! We’ll find out his identity.” Marinette shook her head.

“Uh, yeah, that’s kind of an important secret for me to keep.” Chat Noir agreed.

“I’m not saying he has to reveal his identity!” Alya rolled her eyes. “What if you made him a black mask to wear along with the outfits? That way he can detransform to model the clothes properly while still keeping his secret identity.”

“That-” Marinette opened her mouth to protest but paused.

Pacing the length of her room, she chewed her nails. It was an option. If anything happened, he could always just transform again in an instant… What was she thinking? She couldn’t ask him to detransform! No, absolutely not. Out of the question! No way! No-

“That could work,” Chat Noir said.

“No!” Marinette blurted.

“Come on, M. There’s zero risk, and he’ll be able to model everything the way it’s supposed to be,” Alya said. “People are really into all of your Chat Noir posts. You can’t stop now. Trust me, girl, the internet is so fickle. If you stop posting pictures with him, your hit count is going to take a nosedive.”

Marinette rubbed her temple with a sigh. If Chat Noir was willing to do it, then she supposed there was no reason not to. Making a mask would only take a few minutes, and she did have quite a bit of black fabric…

Alya clapped when Marinette flopped back in her rolling chair and set to work. Although her stomach twisted in knots at the thought of Chat Noir detransforming in her room, she kept working, reminding herself that everything would be fine. It wasn’t like she was going to learn who he was, though she would have to keep Alya from peeking.

When the mask was complete, Chat Noir disappeared behind the folding screen, and green light briefly lit the room. Marinette chewed her nails while he changed, nearly calling the whole thing off twice. What kind of partner would she be if she discovered his identity on accident? Would she have to tell him she knew? How would she explain how she found out without revealing her own identity? Would it be right to keep her identity at that point? Why did she let Alya talk her into this? What was taking him so long?

“O M G!”

Marinette jumped at Alya’s exclamation when Chat Noir reappeared from behind the curtain. He flashed her a perfect smile, his usual cat-like sclera replaced with two normal green eyes. She’d never thought about what his eyes looked like under the suit. His hair was shorter too — he wasn’t kidding about the Disney Princess thing. That jawline looked familiar. She could have sworn she’d seen-

Ugh! What was she doing? She never should have agreed to let him detransform! She was going to be up all night studying the photos trying to figure out his identity. No! No, she wasn’t. She’d resist. She had to for the sake of Paris. If she found out who he was, then she’d have no choice but to tell him who she was. News would inevitably get out and make its way back to Hawkmoth, and they’d all be doomed. She could do this. Absolutely no thinking about who the boy in front of her could possibly be.

“So,” he drawled. “What do you think?”

Marinette blinked, cheeks flushing. How long had she been staring at him?

“Uh, it’s great!” She bit her lip, forcing her eyes to stare directly at the center of his nose instead of tracing every line of his face. He was Chat Noir, her goofy little cat boy, and nothing else. Although, with just the mask on he was more boy than cat, which was probably adding to her curiosity. “Actually… hang on.”

Marinette returned to her sewing machine, crafting a set of cat ears that she fastened into his hair. Pursing her lips, she stepped back to assess her work. Black mask plus ears equaled Chat Noir. Not some mysterious civilian boy she may or may not know. Chat Noir. Just Chat Noir.

“Aww, that’s cute,” Alya giggled.

“Aren’t I always?” Chat Noir winked.

“Down, boy. Remember what we talked about? Ladybug isn’t into the Casanova types.” Alya gave him a warning look.

“Oh, right. Sorry!”

Marinette rolled her eyes. “Okay, we’ve already spent enough time getting ready, so let’s get this shoot over with and let Chat Noir transform back.”

“I’m not in any rush. Your clothes are way comfier than my suit. The fabric you used is super soft.” He ran his hands down the shirt. “Besides, you can’t rush perfection. I want the photos for your blog to be top clawlity just like your designs.”

“How sweet of you,” Marinette said through clenched teeth. As much as she appreciated his dedication to helping her blog, she needed him to hurry up.

Too nervous to do it herself, Marinette let Alya take the photos, opting to hold the light instead. She kept her eyes glued to the mask, but to her relief, it didn’t budge. Chat Noir took the perfect photos, and after what felt like forever, he finally retreated behind the screen to change again.

Marinette breathed out, relaxing her shoulders until a black blob flashed in her periphery and helped himself to the cheese danishes. Oh no! She’d forgotten about Plagg. What was he doing? He should be staying hidden!

“Whoa, no way! You must be Chat Noir’s kwami!” Alya pushed past Marinette to crouch beside the plate on the desk. She turned over her shoulder and added, “Kwamis are what give Ladybug and Chat Noir their superpowers.”

Of course, Alya knew what kwamis were, but Marinette wasn’t supposed to. Plagg crossed his arms over his chest as if waiting to see her reaction. Ugh, he could be just as annoying as his master.

“Wow!” Marinette gasped. “He’s like a little kitten. So cute.” And so not supposed to be out in the open.

Plagg shot her a smug grin. “It’s true. Chat Noir gets his handsome physique and swagger from me.” He flexed a tiny arm. “It’s a shame we kwamis don’t show up on camera. If everyone got to bask in my glory, your blog would have way more hits.”

“Don’t hold your breath on that one, buddy,” Chat Noir called from behind the screen.

“Aww, I think he’s adorable.” Alya scratched under his chin. “You can eat all the cheese danishes you want.”

“Don’t tell him that, or he will,” Chat Noir sighed. “Then the world will have a cheese shortage.”

“I think there’s a me shortage. Do you know how many cheeses there are in the world right now? It’s a crime I only have one mouth.” He crossed his arms over his chest with a huff.

Marinette and Alya giggled as he stuffed his face. He shoved the last bite down his gullet as Chat Noir called him back into the ring.

“Sorry about Plagg.” Chat Noir rolled his eyes as he stepped out from behind the screen.

“Are you kidding? I got to see and talk to a kwami up close!” Alya bounced with glee. “Do you think he’d let me interview him if I bring him cheese?”

“Absolutely not!” Marinette chided. At Chat Noir and Alya’s curious expressions, Marinette curled her shoulders. “Uh, well, I mean, wouldn’t it be dangerous to put out information on his kwami like that? What if Hawkmoth saw it and got some kind of advantage?”

“I’m not gonna post about it. I just have some questions.” Alya assured her.

“Trust me, he’ll do anything for cheese,” Chat Noir said.

She never should have let him detransform. If anyone was going to weasel their way into finding out Chat Noir’s true identity, it was Alya. Marinette would have to listen to her conspiracy theories on it for weeks. Was it too late to fire him?

“I can’t wait to see how the photos turn out, Marinette.”

She blinked, wiping the nails she’d been chewing on her jeans. “Oh, y-yeah. Thanks so much for agreeing to help. I never would have gotten this far without you.”

“Nah, that’s not true. I just helped you get there faster, but you would have drawn in a crowd eventually with how talented you are,” he said.

Marinette smiled and stretched up to kiss both of his cheeks. “Thanks, Chat Noir.”

“Need a ride home?” He turned to Alya and offered her a hand.

She shook her head. “Nu-uh. Not again. I’m gonna stay here and help Marinette go through the photos, then I’ll use my legs to get home.”

“Suit yourself.” Chat Noir opened the window and sat on the ledge. “I can’t wait to see what you design for me to wear next, Marinette. See you tomorrow!” He gave a two finger wave and leaned back out the window, vaulting off through the rooftops.

“Show off,” Marinette muttered, biting back a smirk. She closed the window and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ya know,” Alya said. “He looks kind of familiar, don’t you think?”

Marinette turned to find Alya clicking through the photos on her computer.

“No!” Marinette crossed the room in three long strides, swiveling her friend’s chair to face her. “And neither do you. We can’t speculate about his identity! That’s not why we’re here, and it would be a total invasion of his privacy.”

Alya threw her head back with a groan.

“Promise me you won’t snoop.” Marinette held out her pinky.

Alya pursed her lips, nevertheless, twining their fingers together. “Fine. I won’t speculate or pry. I have my own theories anyway.”

“Alya-”

“Alright, fine! I’ll shelf the topic for now.” When Marinette continued to glare, she crossed her arms over her chest with a sigh. “Okay, I won’t snoop period. Happy?”

“Yes.” Marinette nodded.

Her best friend drummed her fingers. “But seriously though, doesn’t he look really famili-”

“Alya!”

[zirielladior]

ella's diary ୨୧

friday || 7.28.2023

hihi ella here !!

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

another nice-ish week. school starts on august 9th. i'm kind of sad, but at least i'll see some friends. i just don't want to do any school work. i still want good grades, of course, just.. without doing anything i guess.

my friend & i started a baking goal a few days ago. we were baking cookies and then his little sister came into the kitchen and asked if she could watch a movie with us. (she's eight.) and we said yes, we ended up eating all the cookies in three days, so we decided to bake again. we baked the famous pinterest jelly tart cookies. they came out pretty good, i almost burnt them because he went to shower and i started reading. but he got out soon enough and then went to check on them and they almost burnt. they're good though, i wish i could give you one right now for staying this look just to read <3 🍪

i spent a bit of today cleaning my room again. only vacuuming & organizing my closet, for almost the third time this month. and then i started reading another book i bought, it's called 'if he had been with me'. i saw it online & in a bookshop when i was in ontario for the summer, so i bought it! a lot of people say it's a little overrated, (not judging by the cover but by the actual book) and of course i saw it. i wanted to buy it anyway because it wasn't available at the library. (i can't really afford me buying books every other day so i usually go to my local library for books i see online that might be nice to read.)

also i've been writing a little bit of my own novel ideas. it think i might actually publish something, (hopefully if the KOSA bill doesn't progress.) on wattpad. not much of a fanfic although that's really the most popular side of wattpad. maybe. i'm really fond of writing a story that may reflect my dream life. you know..? like a good main plot with my dream lifestyle? don't know if it's a good idea though considering i just created this blog.

oh also, i've just started watching stranger things 4 !! i love the show up until now, but i've heard that vol. 2 could've been better. not sure, i just started episode one with my father on wednesday. i hope its not a weird season with a lot more people dying.

oh! speaking of which, i'm thinking of taking bass lessons soon. and maybe piano too. i've really wanted to play both for a while. he knows how to play bass, piano, drums, pretty much anything. he can make a tune out of recordings of every instrument and then he can make a nice instrumental song. he makes good poems so sometimes i tell him to make songs but he doesn't usually. he's making one now actually! i finally convinced him with elliot (his little sister) that he should write a song. so i think he's writing a song, maybe it's a love song for his crush. like i dunno but that could def be a reason why he's hiding it from us. otherwise he's pretty open about music and stuff.

him & i also went to a bakery in town. it was a bit close to the hotel his family & my family were staying at. (family friends trip, chill nothing weird.) so it was nice to go out and feel the night breeze. especially since i haven't been leaving the house much after being gone to ontario for an hour. we went shopping and i bought a cute cream colored mug with brown paint splattered on it, and a cute little baby tee that said gilmore on it !!

we went out to a cute bakery and had pastries and tea. we also bought candy from there for our sisters. mine's twelve and his is eight, but my sister's still pretty immature. they get along really nicely. his sister likes dolls, and my sister likes fixing dolls up. that's not whats immature about her, she genuinely acts five, but she loves dolls, and miniatures and making jewelry which i adore for her. if she's happy, i'm happy. in the end we both bought chocolate covered peppermint sticks with sprinkles. i think it was called lazy dog chocolateria. really great place, the food was sososososoo yummy.

anyway, so much for trying to keep a short entry. thank you for staying this long and listening to my conversations that were, really, just for myself considering not many people are going to listen to these.

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

love always, ella ୨୧

[analexthatexists]

believe it or not, but im actually working on this au holy cow??? planning on drawing more of nightmare and then working on neil, lanny, or maybe even the zombie villagers?

yes, i said neil and lanny. i'm bringing those two into this au somehow and it's gonna be cool, ESPECIALLY neil.

longer rant and deep dive into the revamped design of our good pal nightmare here and some more stuff i have in mind for the au if you wanna read that

I wanted to start from the ground up with Nightmare's design seeing I was reworking this AU. I just wasn't that happy with the current one, and wanted to base it off the older design from the original Dreamtale comic. What's funny is that he's actually meant to be teal in that comic so I think, but halfway in I'm pretty sure he changes to a shade of blue for some reason. I like associating a more Passive-controlled Nightmare by using blue instead of full on purple, so I made our boy blue.

The eye shapes are all based off Passive's own as well as the way Jokublog drew Corrupted Nightmare's eyes in that same comic I just went over. I'm unsure about this, but I was thinking the goop could have slight tints or shifts in colors depending on Nightmare's current mood or magic usage (as seen on the right). What I know for sure that I'm keeping is when Passive slips and parts of the Corrupted Nightmare make themselves present (Like when fighting or being reminded of something traumatic, I guess?), the goop turns a more teal color. Not planning on keeping the "shifts purple when Passive is more in control / really emotionally exhausted or scared" though, just because I prefer him being blue and because making Nightmare purple to show Passive in control's just a bit too much of a drastic change in comparison to the shift between blue and teal. It's noticable, but not too drastic. Or... maybe that's just me? IDK.

Less about Nightmare and more about the other characters, yes, I'm planning to include Neil in this AU! He's actually a pretty important character, but don't expect him to be on Nightmare's side; Neil HATES him. So much that... Well, you'll see the time comes I guess.

All I'm going to say is... to ensure that the Tree of Feelings can be regrown and the balance of Feelings can be restored, Neil's going to resort to some desperate measures...

lanny is also here im pretty sure and she also hates nightmare so thats cool i think also i haven't considered Quetzalcoatl yet so uhhhhhhhh yeah might even make some new characters to throw into this mess idk

Oh yeah i should probably mention, if I actually ever make this into an AU, it's also going to be interactive! I'll make polls and open my ask blog so you guys can help Nightmare and friends on their adventures (mostly nightmare, he gets into a lot of trouble) in the form of these silly little will-of-the-wisp creatures! Let's... just ignore the fact those things would look scarily similar to Dream and Nightmare's original souls... I guess you guys really DO have a strong connection to Nightmare with that in mind... Freaky, but cool I think?

Was cleaning out some of my old art to make room for new art, and...

I found art of an old Dreamtale AU I was working on a couple of months ago! Kind of sad that I put so much work into the poster and never even posted it. Let's change that!

I've mentioned the AU once or twice, and teased it with this post, but never did anything with the AU afterwards. Why? Because I thought it broke the canon too much and I lost motivation. HOWEVER, looking back at the art and drafts I made for the AU, I MIIIIIIGHT do more with this.

If you're wondering, the AU revolves around Dream trying to uncorrupt Nightmare's soul to kill him while Nightmare was killing him, but while Dream died, Nightmare didn't. In fact, his soul gets partially purified and his passive, original self is brought back and left to deal with the barren wasteland that used to be his home alongside the brainwashed, feral villagers that he doomed.

[impeccablebackside]

Need me some more movie Jelly thoughts

First off, very sorry for taking a few weeks to get to this anon. Between wanting to finish my last post (which took me too long) and being busy as shit with work, it has sat in my inbox for a wee bit.

Anyway, here we are now, so all good I hope. You are always welcome to keep the asks coming if you desire.

That being said, as I usually do with stuff like this, I would invite you to refresh yourself with some quality past posts, like this beauty sent by an anon (maybe you) that still lives in my head, this one that sort of started these posts, a pretty meticulous footjob one, or a even a general post about the 2019 queens that layed down some good thoughts.

Whenever I think about Jelly I always default to either her on all fours with her backside on display, or a POV of her from the back / side that shows off her perfect legs and ass. It really is simply peak dreams and thoughts (to me) about her in those instances. Add in the thoughts about how soft and warm she is, and my mind just likes doing replays of the above linked posts in all fairness.

There are not a lot of new thoughts because my minded is clouded with near perfection as it is. If you have a specific thing(s) that you want my opinion on regarding her, please do not hesitate to send as many follow-up asks as you wish. If you have been following this blog for a while, you would recall the glory days anons would send me topics and prompts that I would chat about, so anything is open in all fairness. Whatever you want to know, no matter how simple or complex, I will (try to) answer. That would be the best way to get new content rolling anon, so hit me up that way if you are into it. I should actually be more on top of getting them answered quickly in the next few days.

I will say that I would (very obviously) definitely fuck the shit out of her, so yeah. At the moment, the bent over on all fours premise is taking hold unsurprisingly. Both to finger her and to eat her out. How her pussy feels around you when you are giving it to her. The sweet sounds she makes. Just appreciating and worshiping her body. All that all the time with 2019 Jelly.

[ikubaes]

i don’t know if you’ll ever see this because i don’t know if you visit these blogs the way i do.

i debated not writing this at all for a few weeks because i kept assuming i would eventually feel better like i always do, but maybe the wound is still fresh or i’m still waning back from talking to you every single day since two years ago, even when i was pulling 10 hour work days and coming home exhausted, but still feeling like i owed you some of my time because we were that close.

my days feel so empty without talking all the time and i never realized how much of a space i craved into my life for you until after i decided it was better to stop talking if things were just going to be like that. i guess i always knew we wouldn’t be able to do tomin forever or “playing dolls” like you called it, but it still feels so surreal to me even if they were just a make believe part of my life that i used to escape from my day to day. i can’t tell how many times i’ve teared up just merely thinking about it. i guess it is kinda my fault for still having so much around me that reminds me of you or tomin and stings further that i have to keep it to myself because there isn’t anyone else on the other side. i wonder if it really did get boring and you didn’t like any of the crazy stuff we head cannoned and did. or maybe it was the lack of writing that finally got to you. or maybe you just got bored of me.

i know i was a lot and i acted out a lot. i regret that. i keep crying these days. i don’t know why i’m being such a baby over a decision that i made. i think about what you mean when you said you missed feeling close to me and the wall i unconsciously put up because i was terrified of liking you back out of my own loneliness. i felt like in my head i was protecting you from how elastic my feelings are and all of the interpersonal issues that i have because i felt like you should move on from me and find someone who’s stable and won’t get annoyed with you over things you can’t control. i’m sorry it was hard to be my friend. i’m sorry for all of the work you put in to make me feel comfortable after what happened with us late 2021. i know we never really talked about it in depth because i thought it was premature and somehow we just never talked about it after. i still don’t really know how to feel— i wish i knew how to navigate these things productively without feeling like i’m the most inept person alive. i knew there was a lot to be workshopped on with us all things considered and i thought i was valid for bringing those points up but i recognized it wasn’t in good taste to bring up at that time. i do care about you a lot even now when i cry thinking about everything. i had such a hard time trusting you after how strained i felt during our hell months and i still felt so inferior to you all the time because of it. i wish i wasn’t so insecure. i really do wish i was better a lot. i really wished back then that i was more capable of tackling those problems head on instead of feeling so defeated and torn down. i really hoped i would get to the point especially when i started therapy and i reached out to you about wanting to forgive kian in my head for everything so i can finally start making strides. i don’t know why this is so hard right now. will it always be this hard? is this all one-sided? maybe you don’t care at all and you’re happy i’m finally gone. i really don’t know… i keep dreaming about this too. i breakdown so often because i feel so guilty and i wish i was better so things could’ve been better and we’d still be close as ever, no matter what title we use. i feel bad for even writing this.

i know the sentiment of “just be better” and i know it’s easier said than done since we’ve been told that by the other. i really don’t know what to do. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel so selfish just venting this out on this blog. i guess i really can’t stand to be where you can’t see me. i really don’t know what to do… i don’t know if there’s anything to do. what should i do? i feel like a kid again in the worst way. i feel needy and ridiculously clingy and sensitive. i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know. were we not really that close? is this what i deserve?

i miss you so much. i miss you so much that it makes me feel pathetic. i thought i knew how it felt to hurt before, i thought i knew the true extent of suffering, but somehow this triumphs everything. i miss talking every day and i miss sending you stupid tiktoks and sending the most insane stories or threads we saw and dissecting them like we were neuroscientists creating a cure for depression. i even miss fighting with you because at least i had your full attention. i miss the stupid voice calls we had and you not being able to take me seriously during fights because you knew i sounded like i was fourteen. i think about the fact that your room has the black cat plushie i gifted you just 3 months into knowing you and the cake erasers or the fact that makeup i picked out specifically for you lives in your drawers with the rest of your belongings. i think about how weaved we were into each other’s lives. i think about the stupid raspberry donut. i miss the cat gifs. i miss hunting for every single bunny and cat gif possible to send to you every night when we said goodnight. i miss our routine. i miss sitting in hyperbeam for hours. i miss talking until 4-5am about absolutely everything and nothing with you, especially knowing i had something in the morning, but not caring because i just wanted to talk to you. i miss the little activities we used to do. i miss the time you set aside for me. i miss listening to your horror stories about your sister. i miss giggling about your chronicles with your mom. i miss you telling me about film school or your childhood years and how you ran around roleplaying as sasuke. i wish we got to play more genshin since you really liked it when we role-played ayaka and thoma on there. i miss being silly with you like that. i miss being corny with you. i miss being your friend. i miss being more than a friend with you. i miss being roleplay partners, i miss everyone being on our business during yangcheon days. i even miss our stupid hyejoo and ningning interactions. i just miss being around you. where am i supposed to put all of this?

i’m so overwhelmed by how much i feel right now. i just don’t know what it is to do. my heart hurts. my chest aches. maybe you really don’t care anymore and you don’t think it’s possible to work things out or maybe you are truly happy to be without me. i wouldn’t blame you if you felt that way. i hope this doesn’t come off as guilt trippy because i truly didn’t mean it that way and i know it’s overwhelming because it was overwhelming to even write this. it’s almost 6am and i can’t sleep because i’m stuck feeling like this. that is if you even read this. i really don’t know. i want to ask for another chance, but that feels so incredibly selfish. i really don’t know. i wish i knew. i really do wish i knew.

you asked me back then who you were to me. you’re someone i’ll never forget because of how you made me feel.

i love you. i’m always here if you need me.