#masking can be so hard tho
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girl, i can't, i sware
the fact that he stopped and went back to talk to you and treated you so nice (taking into account th shitty weekend he had) it just melts my heart
i think something that made me get really into him is the fact that he is so optimistic and nice even after these type of weekends, because like, how does he even have the strength to smile after it? i would be literally sobbing all day long
anyways, enough yapping, so so so happy for you, girl! you definitly deserve it!
p.s: i'm the anon asking for the details so effusively haha
p.s2: I'm going to identify myself as this (-🌙) from now on if no one opposes
!!! it melted my heart too!!!!!! he really did treat me very nice, idk if he could tell that i was extremely nervous bcs he was so gentle and kept talking (like, he couldve just said "thanks for the bracelet, gtg bye" but he didnt seem to be in a rush so i just 🫠) and i cant!!!!!!!!!!! its been almost 12 hours and i still truly just cant!!!!!!!!!!
but yes youre so so right… he's so good at putting on a smile and doing his best even when things are rough !! likeee i know i mentioned that he was with sebastian and i have some really cute pictures of the two of them together just being super smiley and laughing, and it warms my heart so much to think of him putting his own sadness to the side to be happy with his bestie over sebas's podium!!!! truly the bigggest sweetheart
#masking can be so hard tho#hope hes not burning himself out with it#thank you for your sweet words tho :((( crying#and yes ah hello hello !! welcome to the anon family!!! hehe#🌙!#moon anon!#asks!#anon!
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retired ghoap going on a renovation competition show
ghost takes over the budget and he's ruthless with it; tracking every paint swatch and piece of lumber down to the last cent, haggling for every purchase and making the most of their coupons. soap's in charge of design; he can visualise floor plans better than anyone, seeing the completed spaces in his mind when they’re little more than a steel shell
they run their site like a military base, treating their builders like rookies; expecting them to follow orders but also waiting for them to inevitably mess up so they can fix it
they're an immediate shock to the judges; they fully expected them to have no idea what they're doing, to have no understanding of style or trends, but they didn't sign up just for shits and giggles
they know how to hit a brief and can do physical labour faster than the actual builders. with soap's discerning eye and ghost's practically, they design gorgeous rooms and become a real threat for the prize money. they handle the stress and sleepless nights like it's second nature bc really, it is; a few all nighters painting are nothing compared to being shot at
they also take great joy in messing with the other couples
it takes a while for them to figure out they're even married; they argue like it's going out of fashion, never holding their opinions or frustrations back but it's their love language as much as their banter. you can hear them barking at each other from across the site; callsigns and “It” and “sergeant” thrown around just like in the field
the challenges are where they have the most fun
the day to day? that's work; they're strict, both with themselves and the schedule, never letting anything fall behind or go incompleted. but the challenges? that's play time. they love pushing the brief, toeing the line of the rules purely bc they can
they get to a two part art challenge and ghost's scheming before before the host even opens their mouth. part one? one half of the couple has to design some kind of art piece that will feature in their house. part two? the other person has to gather supplies and tools and make the art
there's a time limit for how long they can take to gather the supplies; once it's up, they can't go back for more and they can only use what they can carry themselves to their station. they're in a warehouse filled with scrap and paint and tools, the choices almost overwhelming
ghost politely interrupts the host to ask for a clarification; absolutely anything in the warehouse can be used so long as they can carry it?
the host confirms; anything under the roof is their's to use
ghost thanks them and steps back in line, standing at attention and waiting for round one to start
ghost volunteers to be the one to do the art, shocking everyone since soap is well known as the artist of the two of them. but soap sees the mischief in his eyes; he knows he's up to something and can't wait to see where it goes
the timer starts and ghost immediately shucks his hoodie and gets to grabbing; stuffing the impromptu bag with everything he recognises from soap's own supplies. there's seconds to go when he bolts for soap, throwing him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry
the other couples are pissed and call it cheating, trying to get them disqualified
ghost just shrugs, soap still over his shoulder, "they said we can use anything we can carry. i followed the brief"
soap just laughs like a mad man
they win the challenge by a landslide
everything's going smoothly, they've won enough room reveals that they’re in a good financial position, they’re ahead in their current room and in a great headspace
then soap gets injured
it's an honest mistake, a part of the roof they thought was stable collapsing and hitting soap
and ghost, always calm and in control, panics
he's on the other side of the site when he hears soap cry out and goes running; shoving past cameramen and builders, screaming to know what happened before he even sees him. he finds soap on the ground, blood dripping from his temple and it's too familiar; a thing he sees in his nightmares
he doesn't know what to do with all his fear so instead, he channels it into anger
he goes off on all his builders, demanding to know how they could be so useless and careless as to miss the unstable roof; screaming at them in a way he hasn't done since he was on active duty, tearing down a rookie for poor trigger management
all the while, his gentle hands tend to soap; checking the wound, if he's concussed, soothing him before he can slip into a flashback of his own. he growls at the cameras, doesn't let the onsite medics anywhere near him; he doesn't know them, doesn't trust them with his johnny. it's only soap's gentle convincing that makes him step back, that forces him to stop and breathe; glaring the medics down from soap's side as they check him and come to the same conclusion soap already reached
he'll be iust fine; a few stitches and he'll be right back in it
ghost goes with him to the hospital to get the stitches laid, abandoning the site to their terrified builders to look after. it takes a few days before he can handle them being separated again, can't even handle one of them going shopping while the other site manages
but soap doesn't begrudge him for his clinginess, not when he knows it's rooted in the fear of losing him. he just keeps him close and calls him his good luck charm when they win the room reveal that week
#new season of the block's on you know what that means! putting my blorbos in every other aspect of my life!#it was so hard writing this without using tradie instead of builder lmao#i love putting ghoap in real situations#like these guys arent normal lmao so putting them in something as typical as a reno show is hilarious#can you imagine ghost shopping for tiles? comparing feature tiles and splash backs and tapwear like its life or death#i just know production would hate him a little bc of the mask he still wears but they also know theyll bring in a different demographic#they also think they can spin the drama of these clueless soldiers who have no idea what theyre doing#just for them to be completely blown away by how skilled they actually are#i just know theyd weird people out tho even retired theyre still unsettling#theres just something about them that puts people on edge#that eases when they see how maddeningly in love with each other they are#just them using military vernacular to build a flat pack#soap still referring to ghost as his superior officer#i love them#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#ghoap#ghostsoap#soapghost#soap cod#john soap mactavish#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#cod mw2#cod mwii#cod fic#save post
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just for fun, I've been snapping fancy shots of each of my beta test characters this time around. so without further ado, these fellas are:
Kara the Fierce (Norn Soulbeast) Valiant Luaith (Sylvari Daredevil) Goria Deathcaller (Charr Reaper)
#my posts#GW2#Guild Wars 2#beta testing new weapons AND playing dressup??? win/win#i'll probably post shots of them on the character select screen too once I've tested all the weapons and can put 'em all together#i actually really liked kara's design tbh. her theming was SO fun she's got so much bone incorporated into her outfit#so she really looks like she's just been kinda making her clothing and weapons out of whatever materials she found by scavenging. hardcore.#Luaith turned out cooler than i was expecting too. i unironically like the rascal mask even if it only has 1 dye channel#Goria is just kinda There but i like how her color scheme came out. charr fashion is so hard tho all the textures stretch... oof#tho i got to be wild and put the zhaitan fangs on her lmao
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so hades/persephone au anyone
#art tag#jayvik#and that is all i will be tagging ahahajskf#anyways this au has been running around my brain and ive been wanting to do something for it because aaaaah#au lore wise viktor cannot travel outside of the underworld without their mask so this is canonically just a dream on jayces part <3 because#its very fitting of jayce to dream about viktor at any given moment in any unvierse shsjdkf rent free rotating viktor in his brain#i am just always thinking of jayce catching zzzs’s under a tree in thos au . working hard all season long counting days till he gets to see#viktor again.. aaaa agony#hades/persephone au#anyway man i love posting art here because i can to scream at all of you about my art brain thoughts its fun times
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Something weirdly specific for at least some of us, that we've had in mind for awhile; unfortunately this was the closest we could get with a picrew tbh.
× × × || × × × || × × ×
Like, fortunately for us; while we have some things that irk us with this one, but this hits pretty close in a metaphorical sense at least for the people we're thinking of. Unfortunately for us, some of those are more obvious than others so we hesitated on weather we needed to share this or not LOL.
#stimboard#cn // highly personal#highly personal#GOD THAT PINK IN THE BACKGROUND. SO THREATENING.#THAT “SHE KNOWS” THING A MONTH BACK IN THE GAME SESSION. // OC-related tangent in the tags incoming#(<- hits differently in some situations)#(<- *stares at the plural OCs who we made an entire past for.*)#(<- *stares at the fact their whole thing is. dysphoria made them plural. and THEN they became functionally immortal.*)#(<- you don't skip town for no reason. they lived in a generation where being both would throw them in The Loony Bin)#(<- but only the QUEERNESS became more acceptable later on.)#(<- these bozos are a mirror to our own life and frustration. and that realistically. people are starting to accept endogenics to a degree.#(<- but the world we want and how endos are treated is NOT going to happen next yer. it MIGHT happen in like 20 years.)#(<- “she knows” has been and always will be our greatest fear and pushing through that is HARD.)#(<- So what would it look like INSTEAD to be hiding under queerness. which is still stigmatized as hell)#(<- but you can AT LEAST find a margin of community somewhere that isn't full of abusers and bootlickers/idenity-medicalists for that ID)#NONE OF THIS IS NEGATIVE we're actually kind of glad the GM saw the full implications of that even implicitly -#- getting the shivers just remembering that. But also it's interesting to implement that onto their younger singletsona lmao.#WERE SO PISSED THO THAT WE COULDNT FIND A GREYSCALE MASK THAT WASNT. HORROR OR PARTY. THESE FUCKERS ARE NOT VILLAINS YNKOW.#like how the fuck do we have a hoard of gifs in our tumblr likes and found NOTHING for that specifically lolsob?#yes these ARE the same two chucklefucks we blabbed on and on about for like a week on our main account.#but its their “singletsona”. kind of. kind of sort of. we have wholeass ideas on this narratively.#like we just need to WRITE as in actually write but the issue is every time we do we hit A Wall(tm)#but yeah. anyways. we have headmates playing a TTRPG and we may have projected our frustrations onto two OCs that we don't even play. 😭😭😭
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Pokemon Personality Quiz!
#yep!! glastrier made me laugh tho 'you have a mask of ice as hard as diamonds and take what you want by force' 😭😭😭 OKAY#justice || akechi#justice || dash games#'they can be overly concerned with their public image' I WAS EXTREMELY PARTICULAR ABOUT MY LIFE MY GRADES MY PUBLIC IMAGE SO SOMEONE WOULD
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Horti-cultural differences (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#NEJ#Captain Sterling#All NEJ this time around! Well and Sterling but he's always invited lol being Captain has some advantages#I feel like when I first made NEJ I tried to make something similar to that first image but couldn't manage it? :0 I don't really rememeber#I'm not finding any indication of such so I must've just thought about it really hard lol - technically I didn't successfully draw it! Lol#Happy it exists now tho :D#NEJ loves his plants <3 I mean that was part of why he was exiled lol - not for anything indecent he just likes plants more than other VUX#He's more of a romantic in that sense lol#But now he gets to spend all his time around plants! And ZEX doesn't have to worry about vetting for safe environments/food! Win-win!#He's also pro-ZEX so that didn't help his case - he doesn't hate humans but he doesn't like them either#Although he can only deal with VUX about double what he can with humans haha poor lad#He's got some mild-ish scopophobia and general dislike of social interactions - he was shunned for a while before getting the boot#But now he's got a job with plants he loves and a tinted-lense mask that helps soothe him! Got it made in the sun ♪#He does still get picked on tho haha <3 Spending all that time alone has corroded what little social skills he had to begin with#Jokes are definitely not his forte but he tries he's a good lad :)#Would VUX even breathe CO2 would them talking to an Earthen plant do anything lol#It's probably for the best he kept his mask on haha#Pollen season comes around and NEJ is pink and puffy but also very happy lol
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am i practicing furry faces even though i absolutely suck just so i can be satisfied with my vanny design? yes
#ik it's just a mask but#you know#a furry-like bunny face#i can no longer use the reliable “oh i'll just draw her with her mask off” excuse#sometimes she has to put that shit on 😭#she's so cute tho fr i'm not really having a bad time#but why is this so hard#anyways i love her sm i would practice for eternity if necessary#vanny#vanny fnaf#vanessa fnaf
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Soooooooooo guess who started crying in the doctor’s office bc she has to miss her labs tomorrow
#I have COVID apparently#despite testing negative twice before#they think it’s bc my first tests were too close to when symptoms started#but anyway I got told that I absolutely must stay in my room and not leave except for bathroom trips and like. emergencies.#and all I could think was ‘oh no I’m screwed I’m gonna have to miss so many classes’#told my roommates and they said ‘we cannot afford to get COVID. do not leave your room please’.#which. yeah. I also cannot afford to get COVID. and yet here we are.#my roommate brought up the food my mom got delivered for me so that’s nice#I’ll probably be full for a while and I got some juice so I could take my meds#which is nice bc I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning and I wasn’t hungry until like. noon today.#this does partially explain the intense brain fog yesterday#I spent hours just staring at the wall shivering trying to form a coherent thought#went to take a bath and almost fell asleep in it#and then had to crawl out because I was shaking too hard to stand up on the wet surface.#all of this to say#wear your masks and get your booster shots if at all possible#I was behind on my boosters and look at where we are now#Infected With The Plague#this is supposedly a mild variant and yet I feel like death#at least I can think better today. got more sleep anyway. been crying a lot tho. and coughing. and shivering.#Fuckign Miserable
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anzai from devils line fic WHEN………
I’ve been writing so much about the Blond™️ that I haven’t taken the time to branch off and write for different fandoms again!!! I did it the summer of ‘21 and it was a nice break from exclusively writing for bnha and I wanna do it again
writing for pretty dead fandoms is a little suckish bc you don’t get as much interaction bc……no one is there lmfao but it’s worth it getting the thoughts down and having someone tell me that they’re glad they found that very obscure idea for an unpopular character lol
#me side eyeing my legoshi fic that has like 13k hits on it……#who put these furries in my house…….(not me tho)#but no i miss it so much#I feel like writing for the same fandom and characters can kind of stump me#like it’s not necessarily repeated ideas but working with different fandoms really does give you a broader expansion ya know??#like I couldn’t bkg the same way I wrote sniper mask in my high rise invasion fic you know????#I hope what I’m saying makes sense lol#but I really do wanna write for anzai :( my baby :(#I’d wanna rewatch tho bc it’s been a while and I’d hate for it to not be as accurate to the show bc of my Shit memory#I just know it’s gonna have a shitload of blood in it lol#my type used to be stoic brooding dark haired dudes and I need to go back to my ROOTS#bkg is ruining me I don’t even recognize myself anymore#anyway I need to find time to rewatch#it’s gonna be hard tho bc the semester just started and it’s already kinda busy#sigh I’ll try to make time for it tho so wish me luck in that :)#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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lazy girlies help me out: what is the easiest job you've ever had that one could get with an associate's or less
#all the jobs are like sales associate /plant waterer i dont even need a relevant degree for that#and i want a job thats not physically demanding if possible bc my side job is farming which is hard lol#im accepting tho that i need to look beyond horticulture for a job bc the one i wanted never got back to me and idk what else to do#im looking at receptionist jobs bc a lot of them just want a high school education but idk#i can mask well enough to seem like a people person but idk abt the organization and multitasking stuff#anyway suggestions welcome what is the easiest job#it doesn't need to pay a lot i just need some kind of income that wont drain my life force if possible#i found an assistant pre-school teacher position i could def do if i renew my cpr license#but im not sure i have the energy to work with kids full time#context if it helps: i am autistic and have chronic pain also i really am just lazy and dumb#so i need an easy job idc if it's boring as long as i dont need to be good at math#indeed is recommending me nuclear sub technician jobs i need real suggestions#i have experience with kids and gardening but both of those are physically demanding so i would love to not do that#my computer skills are nonexistent compared to other young people but old people think im good at it#i hate math tho
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I've been popping pills like they're candy lately. (Also known as I've been in pain a lot and my allergies are horrible bc of all the mold in my room).
#diary#personal#on another note entirely that i didnt want to put it in the main thing. i feel so. different from what ppl know me as sometimes#like. i may talk to you. and you may think you know me. but do you really? ive been thinking. if ppl met me would they even like me?#like. when i have meltdowns or sensory overload or just need time to chill n stim. or just lay down n nap#like. idk if others could tollerate that of me. if i met someone irl and arent heavily masking my personality you can tell im strange#fuck. just today i spent like 5-10 mins just. tapping on my collarbones hard bc it feels nice feeling ur bones vibrate#idk. like. honeslty i cant even put it into words and speaking itself is so ineffective tbh.#it just really sucks tho. cuz i mask so much of myself so much of the time. i mask the pain. i mask my happiness.#heck i even mask everything inbetween.#honestly i sorta just dont believe anyone would like me if i acted how i want to. like. i am very autistic natually. VERY AUTISTIC#i just hide all of that for everyones comfort and it makes things activly less enjoyable for me.#idk. i just. want to go out. cling to someone i care about and make them guide me. wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere#i rly just want to never go anywhere loud or crowded (even tho i like trying new food n things).#i want to jump up and down when im happy. run when i feel. scream if i want. cry if i need.#id like it if someone saw me meltdown or shutdown they wouldnt freak out.#id like to be able to mess up things in social situations and it wouldnt matter. i just wouldnt worry about if id still have a friend.#id like to be able to be heard when i say no i cant have/do that. i really wish that was the case even now.#i. really have just become so much more autistic the more ive focused on myself. my needs and my feelings .#like. today my dad wanted to order something that *admittedly* is the exact same thing i was gonna order.#HOWEVER THERE IS ONE KEY DIFFERENCE. IT IS NOT WHAT I PICKED OUT. so what if its different from what i want????#i cant have that!! so i panicked a lot. and he repeatedly ignored me when i said no i dont want x food.#eventually mom stepped in and made it so i got what i wanted.#yknow? existing hurts so much. just all of the time too. i keep on coming back lately to the same thought.#over and over and over again on repeat. just. idk. its hard to explain.#i keep on thinking how itd be better if i was like replaced with someone else. if someone else was born instead of me.#like. im utterly useless. but maybe if only x sperm was born instead of me they wouldnt be like me. idk.#maybe then everyone would be happy. maybe then theyd be able to work and make my parents and everyone else happy.#theyd be able to fit in. they could lead a much better life than me. i wish i wasnt so utterly useless.#i just want a long break. its exhausting living and im not rly cut out for it. too bad i wont get one anytime soon. god i hate this.
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what no one tells you about autism is that befriending a new autistic person is a process of learning their own unique language of love. are they comfortable with eye contact? physical touch? hugs or no hugs? special interest? what textures do they like? should we converse about the special interest or just spend some time with limited conversation just vibing in each other’s company? for neurotypicals there’s like this boring standardized List of Rules that you Have to Follow Or Else! but for my autistic friends out there the rules don’t apply!! they way they connect is each so unique and personal to them that the discovery of getting to know a new person ceases to be this laborious task of following Social Rules until you get comfortable enough to do away with them, but with autistic ppl you get to throw away the stupid rule book right from the get go and embark on a personal adventure of friendship anew, like there’s a secret language you’re uncovering and evey time you successfully connect you feel that magic of blossoming friendship tenfold. shoutout to all my autistic homies out there, you’re not weird, you’re not a burden, there’s nothing wrong with the way that you specifically connect with others and actually i have decided that it is beautiful ✨ ✨
what no one tells you about being autistic is people just don’t like you. maybe you make friends, but they get tired of you fast. even if you’re not actively bullied, your peers just…. don’t pay attention to you. something about you is offputting and weird to mostly everyone, and you literally cannot stop it no matter how hard you try.
#kinda debated whether i should reblog with this addition#i didnt want to take a away from the pain of how hard it can be to connect or invalidate it#im a support worker and i just started with a new autistic client#and the first session just reminded me how much i love autism#like i mean that i really do love it#maybe its just my adhd talking but following social convention feels like walking with bees in my shoes sometimes#i know what the rules are and what im SUPPOSED to do but doing it is ugh#avoiding hyperactivity in conversation feels like clamping my joy and small talk is understimulating as hell#speaking the normal social language leaves me run down and drained sometimes#but then i make another autistic friend#and even tho ive met and befriended plenty of autistic ppl before its new and novel every time#and i love that 💜 i seriously do#we get to throw away the mask together and invent a whole new language of love#it’s my favourite thing in the world#the thought that y’all might start to dislike yourselves bc of the way NTs or allistics perceive you is heartbreaking 💔#if they can’t see the beauty in this it’s their loss bestie 💜#i am so so sorry that ppl treat you like you’re too much or too weird or whatever#but i love you and i want you to know there will be people who love you for who you are not despite it 💜#so sending this message to those who need it#but if you just wanted your pain validated as i suspect OP does#i see you and im sorry this sucks and im sorry that ppl react that way my heart goes out to you 💜
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hello mutual!! how are you? I hope you are well :D here are some asks from the ask game for you:
moment of death, rigor mortis, putrefaction, and skeletonization!
hihihihi im doing well thank u !!!!! ^_^ answers r under the read-more since this got a bit long v_v
moment of death: to what lengths would you go for your beloved? is there anything you wouldn’t do? any dealbreakers?
almost any length at all. if he wanted me to get worse, id gladly succumb to despair. if he wanted to see me alive and happy, i'd keep fighting to survive. almost anything i can think of as a dealbreaker i would handle just for him. though i guess i'd hate having to share him with someone else... i have a terrible time with jealousy.
rigor mortis: describe your darling.
he's everything, he's a concept, he's an ideal, he's a feeling, he's a wonderful wonderful man that i love very much. i like to say i'm in love with the sun. he's so bright, he lights up a room with his smile alone. when he's there, it feels like everything is going to be okay. he's passionate, and driven, and the most wonderful man i've ever had the privelege of knowing, let alone loving. he's intelligent, and witty, and gorgeous. he's love itself.
putrefaction: do you believe in soulmates? what about reincarnation? if so, do you believe your beloved has always been your beloved?
this one's complicated. i think that, in his original form, he does not exist in this iteration of reality. he couldn't, he's still alive and well and waiting for my recovery. but through being inside the program as a part of the killing game, he's left his mark on the world. there's a piece of him in every living thing. man was recreated in his image, a little kinder, a little warmer.
i used to believe in reincarnation, but i'm not sure anymore. all i do know is that, in a way, every form that hinata has taken has been one that i've loved very dearly despite it all. even if i don't want to admit it to myself. i've always loved him, and who he became, and then who he became again. nothing could change that.
skeletonization: how would you describe your obsession? what does it feel like?
it feels like a hazy fog settled over my senses. it feels like my whole body is bathed in warmth whenever i think about him. when im jealous it feels like something sharp is lodged in my chest, something thats always been there as a dull ache but stings whenever i think of him with someone else.
even my more violent impulses feel warm. sunny. like theyre glowing. when i want to see inside of him or taste his blood it is not out of a desire to cause pain but out of reverence, curiousity, a deep hope that in knowing him as completely as he knows me i'll be able to please him.
all in all i am less an aggressor than i am a servant at heart. i was put on this earth to make him as happy as i possibly can, to please him even if i recieve nothing in return. just the simple act of service to him, a higher power, brings me joy. as much as reciprocation would make me the happiest man on earth, i'd do it all the same even if i wasn't appreciated for a second of it. its all for him.
#... servant's song ♪#... inbox ♪#im pretty sure ive answered very similar questions before so id be curious to see the change in my answers over time#im too lazy to find it tho ..#also sorry about the vague incomprehensibility of some of my answers its hard to not get esoteric with it. and a bit word salady haha#i find that when i talk about hinata i lose my internetisms too haha i just. fall back into myself. i stop masking for a moment.#and in doing so i let myself be myself for a while. thats what hinatas always done for me. he's made me into my best self#one that he can be proud of one that he can love one that he can be seen in public. that last ones just pure self deprication but whatevr .#no one reads these tags anyways so i can let myself just. talk. i did this on my old vent account too#i tried to hide my true feelings from a remnant i had let into my life by burying them in the text#in the ever continuing thought train of words i kept it under wraps until it was too late i was so desperate to have him back#that i forgot that i need to work for it. push myself. get better. hinata cant fix me without my cooperation and i will try my damn hardest#anyways. where was i going with this again?#my dumbass didnt even put his tag and im not rewriting all this soooo. its here now ->#🍊 ☆ beloved .ᐟ
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just finished a video on no longer human. It really do be like that
#luly talks#a second video as i had seen the wendigoon one way back#but i kinda had forgotten most as i do bc that guy is a bit all over the place so its hard to absorb information he delivers#ngl tho. like the video was good but whenever the guy went yeah he truly isnt human (derogatory) it felt sooo uncomfortable#you fell for the character's facade that you're meant to dismantle etc#but like its true how sometimes when you're in such dissociation and so detached from everything to connect becomes impossible#bc you can only think about what you are doing or not and cannot look at the other person like in the book your guard is too high#i liked a comment on the video a lot too saying that he ran away and didnt help his wife bc he idolized humanity#and she was human but if that didnt protect her then what was the point?#which i mean yeah i mean depersonalization on its own is never a rational Thing you know but its like#i dont know what i was gonna say#but the idolization of humans is not even rare either. is that conviction that to be else makes you inferior#not me tho which truly is off. i am otherkin but its always from a place of coexistence of layers#i can imitate humans and i can imitate cats and i can imitate dogs i can learn to be like you#which i guess would imply there's no natural state of self but i dont think that's the case#but i guess there's nothing in the everythign and there's everything in the nothing#and in the end im just#luly. i guess. name feels like a heavy chain lately#i dont know how to do with that.#you know i always enjoyed it but as im in this state of trynig to. clear up the brain fog. perceive individuality in the multiplicity#names become hard. as well as gender. which i guess are the main thngs that bring you identity so its not surpring#sorry this rant got way more personal than it'd be#its just a really uncomfortable thing#especially when you take masking into account its just a lot.#sorry i really got off the rails there#anyway yeah it happens to the best of us#brain stuff
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I love drawing Aris as sif so much she's so cutsies. It almost makes up for the horrors of having to draw her as sif. Almost.
#rat rambles#eternal gales#stars posting#I will live in a state of not rly understanding everyone's hatred of lineart until I do sprite redraws#I get it now. this is hell#it doesnt help that I have to improv poses and expressions and stuff a thing that Im not good enough at style emulation to do well#I was going to try to do all of sifs battle portraits with aris but Im like 3 hours in and only done with 5 of them I am not strong enough#tbf in theory the rest after the first 7 shouldnt be as bad since I can just edit the first ones but I dont wannaaaaa#I Do have ideas tho. alas.#Ive just been thinking oh so hard abt her expressions throughout the acts#also abt her going through the horrors in general#for the first two acts she isnt smilely like sif is instead having a very determined look#but after that she becomes a lot more like. innitentive I guess?#basically imagine she's like completely stuck in her own head at that point and is barely processing the things around her#she also gets her only smile within this set being her buff/heal animation where she puts on a fake smile to try to meet her pretend#shes ok and paying attention quota#its not helping. its only making the others worry more.#I have the least ideas for act 5 but I think it'd be fun to maybe have her actually make eye contact with the camera for those?#shes looking off center for all her other ones so I think itd help set the tone of oh god fucked up shit is happening#also she tends to mask more when stressed so.#in general its just very fun thinking abt the ways aris would handle things differently than sif#for one she doesnt have as many side quests where she gets nosy and regrets it due to a mix of her being so fixated on solving the loops#and her just generally being bad at reading most ppl leading her to not rly noticing or caring abt stuff that sif would#mainly she doesnt get the confession side quest despite sier still trying every loop because she didn't rly realize how important it was to#sier and just sorta assumed it was not that important in the grand scheme of things#but she Does have a similar side quest with mase where she gets to have a self hatred spiral <3#in the house shed sometimes catch mase secretly pick some stuff up when shes not looking and if she asks at the end hed say that he was#going to make something but didnt get everything he needed. this leads aris to assume itd be some tool or weapon or smth like the bomb#so if she went around and found all the spots where he collects stuff in one loop shed be able to ask again and he'd reveal he wanted to#make matching bracelets for everyone. and aris would get frustrated and upset and then freak out because she got mad and spiral
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