#which. yeah. I also cannot afford to get COVID. and yet here we are.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Soooooooooo guess who started crying in the doctor’s office bc she has to miss her labs tomorrow

[clanoffelidae]

top ten photos taken seconds a few hours before disaster

i really should've gone to the hospital but i didn't and i lived so it's probably okay

yeah i don't think having to take very shallow, gasping breaths at a rate of about 35-40 breaths a minute while actively laying down trying to go to sleep and being unable to deepen or slow your breathing down at all because the lower lobes of your lungs are clogged with phlegm and can't assist you and if you try to do that you start getting dizzy from oxygen deprivation and you can feel a ton of stuff rattling in your chest with every breath but you're too weak and exhausted to cough it up anymore is a very safe medical situation lol

christmas night was hella fun (<- sarcasm if you couldn't tell)

but yeah in my defense i didn't realize how bad it was until i was already halfway asleep and at that point i kinda just. fell asleep. and i was doing a bit better by the morning so i decided that so long as i kept improving i wasn't gonna go to the hospital bc it would add additional stress on my body and could possibly expose me to flu or rsv which is also going around here and i kept getting better so that's a win there lol

and here we are a month later and i'm still sleeping a lot and having a few coughing problems but my coughing fits are becoming less and less severe, and there doesn't seem to be anything actively in my lungs proper anymore just some phlegm accumulating in my trachea at times (i had a literal 30 minute coughing fit the friday after christmas that left me trembling and unable to stand from exhaustion and fear because i had taken a shower and the steam broke up enough of the crap sitting in the bottom of my lungs that i started coughing it up and it came up in large enough globs to all but completely obstruct my trachea at times and that, naturally, made me panic just a teensy bit; but it did clear out most of the junk in my lungs so it was all in all a good!)

and every now and then, but becoming less and less common, i get assaulted by the dry cough of death but ironically ive become really good at ignoring the urge to cough and only coughing when i need to to dislodge something lol so its not fun but i can usually ignore it successfully and not get myself into a positive feedback loop of coughing to alleviate the irritation but that causes more irritation so now i'm coughing more etc.

and yeah slowly but surely i seem to be patching myself back together and i physically seem to be able to do all the things i did before, i don't have a car so i walk a lot and i haven't had any issues really, i just cannot afford to short myself on sleep at all anymore lol. if i do my body will notify me and i will be feeling it lmao

but yeah scary as fuck and i got hit way rougher than anyone was expecting by covid but i seem to be slowly recovering so not dead yet and so long as i'm still breathing it ain't over yet! :)

what did you all get for christmas?

i got covid <3

[thefanficmonster]

Corpse Infested

Corpse Husband & Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Mentions of dysfunctional family, Family problems, Swearing

Genre: Humor, Comfort, Platonic fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: When your friend disappears for a long time, seemingly having lost interest in what fueled the most passionate fire in their life, you cannot not worry about them. Even if you wanna give them space, you will reach out, you will offer your help. You will tell them they always have you to rely on and talk to.

Requested by Anon. Hi dear! I’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post your request, but here it finally is! Hope you come across it and if you do I hope you enjoy the read! Love, Vy ❤

For me, it’s never hard to find things to do. I’ve constantly got things on my mind and tasks to tend to, keeping me occupied and my mind focused at all times. I think that comes with living in a home as dysfunctional as this one. I honestly can’t recall a time when my parents got along nor can I think of a time where there was at least one second of peace while the two are both present in the house. It’s always a warzone up there. I’m saying up there because I tend to live out of the basement of their home. I know living in your parents’ basement is considered a peak loser point, or the bottom of the bottom, but you’d have to believe me when I say - I wasn’t always like this. In fact, I only recently came back to this hell-hole and boy do I regret it. I mean, it was a decision forced upon me by circumstances. Trust me, I tried every other option there was. When my dorm was to be closed down and demolished, we were given a notice to start planning our next move about a month early. You can bet I immediately started looking at places but my very tragic and miserable budget didn’t allow such a purchase. No rent was adequate for me and my near-empty wallet so my second option was moving in with my best friend who was also not in the greatest of situations but I thought I’d give that a shot too.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out. She lived in a tiny apartment with her boyfriend and his best friend at the time, so four people in one apartment was a nightmare. Still a lesser nightmare than this one but a nightmare nonetheless. Some unwanted and downright traumatizing events chased me out of that place after barely managing to pack my stuff. Therefore, finding myself on the streets again, I had no other option other than the obvious and least liked one: moving back in with my parents.

Making money during my first year of college hasn’t been easy. Working two jobs at once and also streaming video games on the side was what my time was filled with all throughout the first semester but then this damn pandemic started and now ruined everything for me. I had things going for me, I was slowly getting my life together and now it has all fallen apart yet again. The places I worked at closed down due to quarantine and I haven’t been able to steam, not only cause I’d be the victim of my parents’ comments but also cause my terrible home life would be exposed to all my fans and viewers. It’s not like I could cancel out the commotion going on right above my head, it’s a livestream and this house’s walls are cardboard thin meaning all the arguing I hear almost 24/7 will serve as background noise for my streams.

I haven’t reached out to my friends or fans to inform them of this which I feel slightly guilty about but I’m really not looking forward to having to lie to them, just as much as I’m not looking forward to having to tell them the truth so instead I’ve picked silence which is probably either worrying them or driving them insane. Either way, I’ll make my comeback soon.

Well....not very soon by the looks of it...

I have to gather the money, then I have to find a place, then comes the packing, moving out of here, moving into the new place...oh God, there’s so much to it that I don’t even wanna think about. Just that thought that I’ll be inactive for that long makes my stomach turn. Streaming’s where I’ve been channeling all my negative emotions, turning them into something positive and entertaining with the help of my friends.

Speaking of my friends, I should probably put emphasis on how amazing they are. Basically the older siblings I’ve always wished I had. I’m the baby of the group, the eighteen year old freshman in college, powering through life the best they can cause they are constantly getting tripped up by inconvenient occurrences such as this one for example. I tend to have the gang poke fun at me quite frequently - all lighthearted and with good intentions obviously - but they are also the ones to get super defensive if anyone gets the balls to talk shit about me. They’d never allow me to be the victim of any smack talk or online rumors and ‘cancel culture’ or whatever the hell people will come up with to leave others restless and wondering if they did something shady a decade ago. Well, to be fair, I didn’t even know about the concept of social media a decade ago and I’ve never been one to post much but I still have a protection squad in case anyone decides to come after me.

Little do they know the people I need protecting from are the very people that are supposed to protect me - my parents. Luckily, they don’t venture into to basement very often if at all and I have my own exit to the outside world so I don’t have to run into them unless I absolutely have to. The only time I emerge to the surface of the house - aka the ground floor - I do so to leave my share of rent money on the dining table and I usually do it when they aren’t home or when they’re asleep - that happens often with how many bottles they each knock back on the daily.

*sigh*...at least I don’t have to talk to them, right?

Anyhow, remember how I mentioned I always have things to do? Well, right now I’ve tasked myself with rifling through the large boxes containing random stuff I found in one of the basements down here to see if there’s anything I could possibly sell online. For starters, I’d like to hope there aren’t any severed body parts in here because this was one shady-ass basement before I moved in and un-creeped it a bit so I wouldn’t have to become an insomniac due to the paranoia of there being a homeless person down here with me or some paranormal entity. Regardless, old basements tend to be, apart from haunted, also filled with junk no one would find valuable despite it actually being worth something after all. That’s basically what I’m hoping to find at the moment.

As I dig through the contents of the first box, the YouTube playlist I have put on on my phone cuts off causing me to furrow my brows in confusion for a second before my ringtone pierces the silence the lack of music created.

I quickly mute the ringing and take a look at the Caller ID to see a name I never thought would pop up on my screen as an incoming call - Corpse. I, as well as many of our friends, know that he’s not the biggest fan of talking to people on the phone so this is rather surprising. Still, I pick up the call in case it’s not a mistake and an odd chance that it’s somethin urgent cause Lord knows Corpse doesn’t call people willy-nilly. 

Thank God it’s quiet up there at the moment.

“Hello?“ I try my best to cover up the confusion in my voice but I can only assume I didn’t do the best job considering Corpse replies with a slightly awkward chuckle.

“Surprised you, didn’t I?“ He asks, getting my cheeks to redden a bit, “You can’t blame a guy for calling after up and disappearing on him and on the whole internet. Where’ve you been?“

I open my mouth to respond when I hear the sound of glass breaking a shouted curse from upstairs.

Oh for fuck’s sake!

“Um...you know, places?“ I’m aware the answer isn’t only nonsensical but also sounds more like a question, but I can hardly focus on that right now. I’m too buys praying to an entity I don’t fully believe in for the situation above to not escalate.

“Uh, is everything ok over there? Where even are you right now?“ The teasing tone to his voice is all but gone at this point, replaced with deep concern, having obviously heard the commotion that did the exact opposite of what I prayed for - escalated.

“Y-yeah, it’s ok. It’s just another Thursday, you know.“ I attempt a small laugh but it’s blatantly miserable, “I moved back in with my parents when they announced the quarantine so that’s where I’m at now. They’re not the quietest of folks as you can tell so...“

“I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I HOPE YOU DIE“

Oh crap, here we go.

“...So I can’t really stream a lot...or at all.“ I mutter, cringing with all my might, “But it’s only temporary! I’ll get back in the saddle as soon as I find another place to stay.“ I don’t dare mention how long that’s gonna take me, it’ll be too disappointing and depressing for the both of us. “So yeah...um...thanks for showing concern but there’s really nothing to worry about. I’m ok, everything’s ok, things are just...a bit off the rails, but I’ll fix em no problem. Like I always do!“ I attempt to sound as cheerful as possible with little success due to the overwhelming anger I feel towards those people upstairs and the gut-wrenching nostalgia for the world of streaming I can no longer be a part of because of them. Actually, I put the blame first on the pandemic and second on my parents - if it wasn’t for Covid I’d probably still be in my dorm!

“Hey...um, I think I know an affordable place where you can take up residence. Only if you want to, of course.“ He sounds hesitant but I easily overlook that as excitement bursts throughout my entire being at the sound if an escape being offered to me just like that. Had I known I’d find the solution to my problem in the very people I spent time avoiding because I was afraid of their pity, sympathy and judgement.

“Oh please, it could be a rat and roach infested shoe box and I’d go running to it. How much is rent?“ I ask through a gasp of hurried laughter that’s a result of my inability to contain said excitement. Listen, I’ve been sitting here in Hellsburg for three months now and haven’t gotten a proper shuteye during that whole period, whatever Corpse is offering has to be better than this misery.

“Rent can be discussed once you move in...“ He trails off, “And it’s not rat nor roach infested but there’s a slight issue...“

“Which is?“ I’m honestly expecting the worst: in a bad neighborhood; faulty wiring with a high chance of being electrocuted; faulty piping with a high chance of flooding; people have died there; things get randomly moved around in the middle of the night etc. However, I don’t voice any of them to avoid getting laughed at for my wild imagination.

“Well, uh, it’s corpse infested.“ He says a little awkwardly, causing me to let out an inaudible sigh.

So my ‘people have died there’ guess was on point, huh?

“People have died there, huh? Well, I can turn a blind eye to that as long as I don’t find their bodies in the closet or meet their spirits at 3AM.“ I attempt to joke, now second-guessing my eagerness to accept the offer.

Corpse bursts out laughing his ass off at my statement, getting me to furrow my eyebrows in confusion and wonder what I said was so funny - it was a poor attempt at a joke, it in no way deserves that sort of reaction, barely a chuckle in my opinion.

“You’re golden, Y/N, I swear.“ He says once he forces the laughter to subside, “I meant corpse infested as in Corpse Husband infested.“ He breaks out in another fit as my brain slowly starts connecting the dots.

Oooohh he’s asking me to go live with him

“Wait. Wait, wait, wait, hold up for a sec. Are you aware of what you’re offering me? I mean, we’ve never met IRL, you barely know me and....and for all you know I could be the serial killer in this situation!“ I have no idea why I’m pushing my luck, don’t ask. I just don’t want him to make a decision he’ll later regret, I guess. “Like, I could kill you in your sleep!“

“Would you?“ He asks confidently, silently stating he already knows the answer.

I roll my eyes, “Of course not! But...” He cuts me off.

“Great, the offer stands on my end. I’m not a noisy nor nosey roommate so I suggest you start packing. If you choose to live in that hell-hole over living with me, I’m sorry but I’ll be hella offended, just so you know.“

Corpse sounds like he’s about to hang up on me, a decision already made, so I hurry to stop him. “Wait! What about rent?”

“Fuck the rent, pack your bags.“ And just like that, despite my efforts, he hangs up on me.

Well...this is a chance of a lifetime that I know refusing would lead me to not only remain stuck here but also put me in the hugest loser bin. There’s also the fear of being Corpse’s burden which I’ll try my best not to be - I mean, I’m a super independent person and Lord knows that if this offer came any other time or from any other person, I would’ve declined asap, no discussion.

But streaming

But sleeping properly

But having a normal life again

Yeah those are most certainly the reasons I get up and go into the closet in search on my emptied suitcase. Time to fill it up again, I guess. This time with a smile on my face and excitement fueling each and every movement of mine.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse

[bangtae-sohotddaeng]

we’ll be counting stars | k.th. | 4

(^ gif cred: ON THE VOYAGE | pinterest)

pairing: idol!Taehyung x publisher!Reader

rating: nc-17 (for language and themes)

summary: You’d sworn off love and relationships forever. You were here to do your job - work with the biggest boyband of the world. Not forge friendships and...and whatever it was that you and Taehyung were building up with these sneaky glances. It was, to be very fair, your Chief Editor’s fault that you’d landed in this mess. Maybe you should quit your job? Maybe you should quit life -

Oh, he was staring again, and did he freaking lick his lips?

warnings: swearing (reader’s got a potty mouth) + this is set like 5 years in the future + reader has emotional issues, she's a relationship phobe + mentions of weed

genre: so much ANGST ugh + fluff + comedy + some crack

words: 4.6 k

note: hey, y'all. i know i've been awol and i'm really sorry about it, but, well - first i went back to uni for a while and got busy with my classes and my boyfriend. but this lasted for, like, barely three weeks, and then i came back home and got covid. yep, i finally got unlucky. my parents got it, too, after me, and the three of us had been home quarantined and getting treated for the past month or so. we're in better health now, though, so i'm getting back into writing. here's hoping i pick up speed super quick! 💜

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series masterlist

gimme feedback, much much appreciated!

Your first week of heading this project with all its roadblocks and exhaustion, as it turned out, had merely been a taste of what was to come.

Your Wednesday at work began on a positive note, though. 

Towards the middle of the day, your phone rang, making both you and Jungkook jump. 

Cursing, you pursed your lips at Jungkook apologetically, and fished the device out. He nodded at you with a chuckle. 

Looking at your phone screen, you realised this was a call you'd been waiting for.

“Hello?” you answered.

“Hello, ma’am. I’m calling to inform you that we’re done.”

Your eyebrows immediately hiked up your forehead. “Wow, really? That’s great news!”

“Yeah, the cleaners will be in tomorrow morning. You can move in by tomorrow evening.”

You actually grinned. “That’s such fantastic news! Thank you so much, Mister Lin. I’ll initiate your payment later, today.”

“Anytime, ma’am. Thank you.”

You disconnected the call with a happy sigh. Jungkook squinted at you. “That sounded like a fun conversation.”

You nodded, smiling. “Our team is moving into an apartment, tomorrow.”

“Wow! You’ve been in the hotel for what, ten days now? Must feel nice!” Jungkook’s eyes sparkled.

You nodded with a sigh, shutting your eyes in relief. “Oh, yes. We’d made reservations at the hotel for fifteen days. We had to move into the apartments within this week. This feels so amazing. I’ll finally be able to prepare my own food.”

Jungkook giggled at that, scrunching his nose up. “Where’s the apartment? Hope it isn't too far.”

“Oh, no, it’s a few blocks away from here. Which is why we had to book a hotel in the first place. We needed two four-bedroom apartments on the same floor, in this specific radius, in three days.” You paused to laugh when Jungkook’s jaw dropped with a gasp. “It was a very hard find. But our agent was sharp, he did a great job.” You clapped your hands together. “I cannot wait to check out of the damn hotel.” 

Jungkook nodded in understanding. “Hotels are hard. It could be a seven star luxurious penthouse, but you’d still wanna run away from it after a while.” 

He seemed to be speaking from his personal experience, but running away from a seven star luxurious penthouse? You couldn’t relate. You hated your hotel because the curtains weren’t dark enough and the mattress was stiff and you couldn’t afford getting any of them changed. You also hated having to order Chinese every single day, but you also knew you’d be emptying your bank account if you got anything else.

None of this would trouble someone living in a seven star’s penthouse. But you didn’t want to make Jungkook uncomfortable by stating any of this when he was just trying to be a bit compassionate and empathetic.

“Food doesn’t bother me that much, though,” Jungkook continued after a thoughtful pause. “We’re usually either on diets or order takeout. I personally hate the mattresses.”

“Oh yes,” you sighed deeply, the kink in your upper back in absolute agreement. “I’m not really a fan of sleeping anywhere other than my mattress back at home, but hotel beds are the worst of it.”

Jungkook chuckled, nodding. “I completely understand. You remember that story I told you about lugging my beddings over to our dorm when we first moved into one?”

You nodded with a laugh. “Oh, yes. The rest of the boys were getting new mattresses, and you were busy dragging your mattress from your parents’ house. It may sound hilarious, but it’s actually very relatable.”

Jungkook looked a bit bashful as he nodded. “You know, when we first started preparing for our first tour, I had a half a mind to take it with me.”

You barked out a loud laugh at that, the mental image of Jungkook dragging a seven by four piece of bedding around and stuffing it into trailers. He laughed, too.

“Yeah, it was funny and really stupid. Half the time we didn’t even get to sleep in the bed we had taken with us, but whenever we did, I was nodding off the second my head hit the pillow.” Jungkook’s eyes sparkled as he went down the memory lane. “That one was nothing in comparison to the tours we go on now, but it was our first ever experience so it was still pretty difficult adjusting, Tour schedule is a different level of hectic, you know? You don’t have time to eat, you don’t have time to sleep. Just rehearsals and fittings and sound checks. I would fall asleep in makeup chairs,” he confessed with a chuckle, shaking his head fondly, “and when noona would wake me up, I would recall how I wanted to bring my mattress here. Such naivete.”

You smiled, nodding along. You hadn’t yet gotten to the tour discussion yet, as it was planned out for the third month of your blueprint, so all of this was brand new to you. But, at this moment you didn’t want to bring up plans and blueprints. Jungkook was compassionately being candid with you. You were becoming friends, beyond your professional boundaries.

Sighing, you decided to impart something personal, too. “When I moved to the States and got into this company, I rented the apartment with an old friend who was already living there. And it wasn’t my first time living in a house away from my parents. I’d been a university student, lived in dorms then rented apartments, both solo and shared.” Jungkook looked at you pensively, nodding with a little furrow in his eyebrows. “But when I got to this apartment, got all this brilliant furniture set up, all new and fresh, I couldn’t sleep. I missed my home.” Jungkook’s eyes softened, lips pressing down into an understanding smile. “Not the dorm, not the studio I’d been renting—I missed my childhood bed.” You exhaled, recalling all your sleepless nights. “There's this connection you build with the place you call home. I’m sure you must have started to feel this way about your dorms as time went on.”

Jungkook softly smiled, nodding as he looked into space. “Very correct. Tour life made me realise this exact fact.”

You both sat in a few minutes’ quiet, basking in the nostalgic atmosphere you’d built around you.

Then Jungkook grinned at you. “Now you’ll get to experience real Seoul life.”

You laughed. “Oh, yes. And I honestly can’t wait for it. The local markets, the grocery stores, everything. Everything here is very unlike home.”

“I’m sure you’ll love it!” Jungkook exclaimed, wiggling his eyebrows smugly.

You went back to work soon after, with Jungkook tossing in questions about your move and suggestions about what all you should do in the city, every now and then.

It was a good, productive, joyous day. You were hardly even tired when you got back to your hotel to spend your last night on that stiff ass mattress.

Thursday had started off pretty much the same, except for you guys taking a slightly early departure to spare some extra time to set your new place up after your belongings were moved.

By late night, you were all settled in two, pleasant, well-furnished, well ventilated four-bedroom apartments, next to each other. Your housemates consisted of Sana and Simon. Needless to say, you weren’t a fan. But you needed a room to build the office in and you preferred it to be under the same roof as your bedroom because you tended to work odd hours when you couldn’t sleep. Simon and Sana volunteered to share the apartment with the office and you, so you didn't exactly have room for complaint.

From getting the apartment cleaned one last time to accept you all, to ensuring none of you had left anything significant behind in your hotel rooms—you didn’t trust the hotel staff enough to not misuse it if they found anything related to BTS in one of your rooms—you had been the one that took care of it all. It was kinda on you, because you didn’t trust anyone from your team to do the latter responsibly. So, quite naturally, you were dead on your feet by the time you got into your soft as a cloud beddings at nearly 3 o’clock in the morning. Sleep pulled you in the seconds you rugged your covers up.

You were very dead on your feet when you got to the BTS dorm, five hours after you’d gotten into bed. You hadn’t had a drop of alcohol in your system for more than a few weeks, now, but man did you have a hangover.

So it goes without saying that when you bumped into someone on your way to Jungkook’s studio, your eyes were half shut. You wouldn’t have thought much of it and might have slinked away with a mumbled apology, if not for the familiar voice than greeted you.

“Good morning. Looks like you had a rough night?”

You blinked, miles away from sleep within a second when your eyes met a familiar pair of brown ones. Taehyung was dressed in the routine BTS loungewear that consisted of a pastel t-shirt that was one too many sizes bigger on him and dark sweatpants that covered his feet. His hair was the usual black and curly, mostly pulled away from his forehead with a few tendrils dangling over his brows.

Your interaction with him had been meagre throughout this week, only consisting of respectful nods of greetings and waves of goodbyes. You’d meant to ask him how Simon was doing and how he felt about his ideas being taken now, after you’d had a talk with Simon about it. But you didn’t know what you would do if he said he was hating how things were and wanted you to do something about it. So you had kept your mouth shut and watched from the sidelines as you tried to gauge Taehyung’s inner feelings by his facial expressions. 

He was an extremely closed off guy, never really letting his face show what he was truly feeling. But sometimes you would catch him looking into space as if he was zoning out of his conversation with Simon. Now, he could very well be thinking deeply about something Simon said—you really couldn’t be sure with the guy. But it had you worried, nevertheless.

God. Why did Simon have to pick out Taehyung’s name?

By the time you realised you’d been staring at him for too long, he had realized it too. “Anything wrong with my… hair?” he innocently questioned, threading his fingers through the front of it.

“No!” you yelped, making him flinch. “I mean, no, it’s not that. I, um. We were moving into our apartments last night and it got kinda late. My brain’s processing things a bit slow, today.”

Taehyung chuckled at that, nodding with his teeth on display. “It’s okay. Congratulations on the move. Hotels suck.”

You sighed. “Tell me about it.”

Awkward silence hung over the two of you as you looked at the floor, at your feet, at his feet, tried to discern if his pants were very dark gray or blue, cleared your throat, scratched your ear, met his shifty eyes again— 

“How…how is working with Jungkook?”

His question caught you off-guard. You looked at him in surprise. “Uh…it’s, um. It’s good. Very comfortable, very productive. It’s great, actually.”

Taehyung nodded, pursing his lips as he looked down again. “Simon has been a better listener this week. Did you talk to him?”

A weight was lifted off your shoulders on hearing that. You grinned at him with all your teeth. “Really? That is really good to know. Comforting, even. I did talk to him, yes.”

Taehyung looked into your eyes as his lips spread into a slow, soft smile. “Thank you so much for doing this for me. I thought you would think I was stupid for demanding so much, but…” He shrugged his shoulder, one corner of his lips ticking farther up his cheek. “You made it work. I feel so much better now.”

You exhaled, willing your heart to not beat so fast. It was your job to ensure they were all comfortable, this was part of what you were getting paid for. But somehow, the way Taehyung seemed to have taken it so personally made you not wanna mention the fact in the moment.

Also, he didn’t know how this wouldn’t last. You’d been giving Simon tips to handle himself professionally around Taehyung, literally every single day. It kept the wheel running, but it was tiring both of you out, immensely. Simon was out of his element and you were getting slowly overwhelmed and under-rest due to the amount of responsibilities piling on for you. You were determined to talk this out with your boss, this Sunday, and find a way out before you broke.

Right now, though, you gave Taehyung a bashful smile. “I wanted you to be comfortable and feel good about working on this project, Tae. I am constantly working out plans to better it.”

Taehyung looked at you with so many emotions swimming in his eyes, that the intensity of it almost made you wanna look away. But you didn’t. Instead, you tried to decode what any of it could mean. 

This time the silence between you two was not awkward in the least. It was charged—heavy with this unknown tautness between your mind and heart and this indecipherable look in Taehyung’s eyes.

“Tae?”

The trance was broken by Jin, startling both of you.

He walked into the halfway from behind Taehyung, peering around him with a frown. His eyes widened when he saw you. You immediately bowed, always extremely cautious about being respectful around BTS’ oldest member. “Good morning, Jin-ssi.”

He chuckled at your address, insisting that you didn’t have to bow every single time. “Just the respectful good morning is fine. Did you just get here?”

You nodded, subtly glancing at Taehyung whose eyes were slightly rounded and still stuck on you. Why was he acting like you two were caught by Jin? You’d just been greeting each other and catching up!

Right?

Right.

“Ah! There comes Riya!” Jin suddenly announced the arrival of his partner on your team, cutely waving at someone behind you.

Your teammate Riya walked into the hallway after you, having walked here on her own insistence. “Good morning, Jin-ssi. Taehyung-ssi. Boss.”

You smiled at her, nodding in acknowledgement of the respect she paid. “Where’s Simon?” you questioned.

“Just here!” the man himself responded, rushing in after Riya. 

You met Taehyung’s eyes, and he nodded with a meaningful look and a small smile on his lips. Your heart felt light.

The unexpectedly happy and positive start you’d gotten in the morning lasted with you the whole day, making your time with Jungkook a lot fun, and fulfilling in terms of work, too.

When Sunday came in and you received your boss’ call, her first question was about how well you were settled in the apartments, followed by how you’d handled things with Simon. You had done a decent job on the former, but the latter was gradually turning out to be a pain in your ass. You told your boss as much.

“Drag it out for another week, and then design a change of gameplan. If he really isn’t doing a good enough job by himself, it’s better if he works with someone else. This whole charade will tire both of you out. And V would be facing issues, too, if Simon’s heart isn’t into it.” Your boss had looked at you solemnly through the computer screen.

“Simon’s heart’s a bit too much into it, boss, that’s the whole issue.” You had derisively chuckled at your joke, but her words had left you thinking into the late hours of the night.

Taehyung had definitely been facing issues, you’d heard it from the man himself. And the respite he thought he’d gotten this week was momentary, because neither you nor Simon could honestly keep up with it for too long. And it was very unfair to Taehyung. This book was supposed to showcase a part of all the boys. A biography was the culmination of one’s whole life—something very personal, precious and endearing. The process of its creation should have been a similar experience for the boys, too.

You really would have to assign someone else to Taehyung.

On Monday morning, you knocked at Simon’s door at seven.

“Just this week, and then you switch,” you told him.

“Really? Oh, my God, thank you so much!” Simon cried out.

“Please accommodate him the best you can.” You sighed. “I’m too tired to give you notes everyday. Will you be able to manage?”

“I’ll accommodate him the best I can, just as you said.”

You hadn’t taken his word for it, but it seemed like the knowledge of his misery ending soon had done Simon well. He did a fair job of maintaining his professional composure, and on Tuesday, when you went in to grab a cup of coffee from the kitchen, you saw the two of them laughing about something, too. Taehyung had politely greeted you, exchanging more than a nod for the first time in more than ten days—minus that one altercation in the hallway, of course—and then immediately went back into the discussion.

He seemed to be really into it.

It made you feel a lot better. 

On Friday, you and Jungkook went for a walk by the pool in the late afternoon with a cup of ice cream in your hands. He brought up Taehyung, asking how the elder was doing.

“You told me he was having some trouble with his partner?” Jungook asked, biting into a huge glob of chocolate ice-cream like a maniac and braving the brainfreeze with a straight face.

You grimaced at the sight. Then exhaled, plopping a spoonful from your own ice cream into your mouth. “He’s doing a lot better, now. It might not last, though”

Jungkook, instead of quizzing your ominous statement, nodded in understanding. “Does it have something to do with what I told you about hyung’s personality?”

You sighed. “Pretty much. We might have to change his partner.”

Jungkook paused at that. “Is there a possibility that…” He trailed off, confused, doe eyes looking at you.

You couldn’t lie to him. You shrugged. “Everything’s on the plate.”

On Sunday evening, you decided to gather the team for the call with your boss. Sending them a quick message once you all got home, you hopped into the bathroom for a long, relaxing showe. 

When you came back, you stepped into your office to the welcome sight of your team occupying bean bags and chairs and spread across the entire surface area of the place.

Collectively, you all brought up Taehyung’s partner with the Editor-in-Chief.

“Why don’t you do it, Y/N?” your boss questioned you after the rest of them had briefed her with their progress so far and detailed out their future plans with their assigned boys.

You sighed. “I have been doing just as great as the rest of them, boss. It wouldn’t be ideal for me to stop working with Jungkook after we’ve been making such great progress.”

Your boss took her glasses off, the highlight on her nose glistening as her movement caught light. She shook her and then sighed. “One of you is going to have to make a sacrifice.”

Simon, rightfully, flinched with a guilty face.

“So either you talk one of your team members into doing it, or you do it yourself. You’ve got one whole week to discuss it. Tell me what you decide, next Sunday.”

You kept tossing and turning in your bed. You’d either have to force one of your team members. Or you’d have to disappoint Jungkook. Your prospects really weren't looking good. 

You would like to believe you and Jungkook had become friends in these three weeks. It is impossible to remain a stone-faced stranger with someone literally relaying the story of his entire life to you. And besides that, too, Jungkook was a very likeable guy. He was a curious soul with a myriad of interests. Taking notes on literally every topic would always branch out into an enthusiastic conversation between the two of you. 

Sighing as you recalled how the two of you had shared your roller-skating experience with each other just today, you shut your eyes and decided to finally go to sleep.

On Monday morning, your team members were gathered in your new office to begin with the scripting process of the biography. As you got down to comparing notes and checking off boxes, each one of you resolutely ignored the gigantic elephant in the room—that fact that one of you would not be working with the same person when this week was up.

Strangely, this forcible change of partners was weighing down on all of you not just because of how much more labour it would cost, but on an emotional level, too. Which was a very unfamiliar concept, at least to you. You never got attached to clients, knowing it would only cause hindrances when you had to criticize their work—which was why they were talking to you in the first place. You had been somewhat lucky too, in a way, because it wasn't easy for you to get attached to people.

But Jungkook turned out to be just a really easy person to get along with. You really had become friends.

This, you suddenly realised, would also mean that Jungkook would make friends with another partner just as easily.

“Guys, remember—it’s not just their story that we’re writing, it’s ours too!” you announced to your team, clapping your hands to raise their spirits as the six of them worked on their computers. “They’re the narrators, sure, but we are the writers. Use your words wherever you find fit, do not hesitate to trim, omit or add. This is what we were hired to do.” 

At noon, you all ordered takeout and took a break.

“We’re all really on schedule, boss,” Riya, Jin’s partner, spoke up from her spot across the room from you. Her rounded eyes narrowed suddenly, and she winced. “Well… except Simon, but we kinda already expected that.”

Simon, seated on a bean bag to your immediate right, cleared his throat. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“You’ve been really shitty at your job, Si,” Areum, Jimin’s partner, commented, looking at Simon through her round framed glasses, her face displaying disappointment.

“He really has,” you added. “But it cannot go on like this. You’ll have to be really professional with your partner, this time round, Simon. You’ve really done a lot of damage with Taehyung. Boss won’t just pull you off the project if something like this happens again, she’ll fire you.”

Simon visibly gulped, nodding with his wide eyes fixated on you.

“So, who’s gonna take his place?” Nathan, Yoongi’s partner, butted in, prompting Sana to stop stretching. “Have you decided yet?” he asked you.

You exhaled. “Why not ask dear Simon who he wants to work with? The last time he kept protesting about the assigned choice, and I didn't listen. Maybe he’d have done better if the selection of his partner was voluntarily done by him.”

All eyes turned to Simon. He cleared his throat, looking beyond nervous. “Please don’t put me in this spot. One of you will have to let go of a month’s worth of hard work for me, as it is.”

You looked around the room. “Any one of you willing to switch?”

Five pairs of eyes turned to look at you incredulously. “No one’s gonna willingly give their research up for you, Simon,” Charlotte, the only redhead on your team and Hoseok’s partner, spoke with a roll of her eyes. “None of us.”

“Simon,” You sighed. “Choose.”

And then Simon squeezed his eyes shut and fisted both his hands to whisper, “Jungkook…maybe?”

Of fucking course.

Later that night, you had calmed yourself down enough to tell yourself that everything was gonna be okay. You could be a darn hardass professional when you needed to be. In fact, being humble and empathetic was usually what posed a challenge to you. You would very smoothly transition into working with Taehyung, you were sure of it.

You belatedly thought about how much change these past three weeks had already brought about in your nature. You were starting to show a lot more compassion than you’d thought yourself capable of. That kind of came in this job’s description, because biographies made people vulnerable, and vulnerable interviews required compassion. 

You had to unlearn some of the things you’d picked up over the span of your adult life to save yourself from hurt, and also the guilt that came with hurting others. Jungkook also helped, in a way. His openness and just the overall cheerful vibe that his nature eluded made you want to be more of a friend to him than a writing guide or an interviewer.

You wondered how Taehyung would be. 

There was something undeniably intense and mysterious about him. Now, you weren’t naive enough to want to “unravel” the guy’s mysteries, but you sure were irked and curious. Maybe he was one of those kinds of artists that literally lived in their art.

Back when you didn’t work in this company with this hectic schedule and had enough spare time on your hands to write, you used to pride yourself to be one of these kinds of artists, too. You lived in your stories, kept building characters up wherever you went, whatever you did. You wondered if it was something similar with Taehyung for music. 

You would find out, eventually. There was no point pondering it so much.

Sighing, you turned off your side lamp and decided to retire for the night.

Your writing week was gliding past smoothly. It was just Wednesday, and you all, ahead of the schedule, were at the verge of finishing up your writing parts.

“Are we super efficient or did we sign up for a longer duration of time than needed for this whole project?” Sana questioned, typing away on her laptop.

You snorted. “Or maybe, we didn’t design the blueprint with as much uniformity as we’re required to.”

“You don’t always have to critique everything, boss,” Charlotte, Hoseok’s partner chimed in, flipping her long mane of auburn hair off her shoulder as she shot you a look. 

You glared right back at her. “Uh, actually, I do. That’s kind of my job here.”

You’d been harsher than was needed, making the whole room go quiet. Only the clicking of keyboards echoed around you all for a while.

“Where’s Simon?” Nathan, Yoongi’s partner, asked after some time.

You sighed. “In his room, finishing up his writing work there. He doesn’t feel comfortable sitting between all of us because, and I quote, y’all give off really judgy vibes that fuck with my concentration.”

“That might actually be true,” Areum, Jimin’s partner, mumbled in Korean under her breath.

“Did you mail Manager Woo about the switch yet, boss?” Nathan asked you as you got up to get a refill of your coffee.

You exhaled. “Nope, I'm stalling,” you confidently confessed, leaving the office to make a trip to the kitchen. On your way back, you knocked at Simon’s door before peeking in. “You doing okay?” you asked him flatly.

Simon gave you a nod, not moving his gaze from the laptop screen. You rolled your eyes and came back to the office.

“Should one of us do it? If it won’t look too unprofessional?” Sana asked.

You wrinkled your nose. “It would look grossly unprofessional, Sana.” You pursed your lips as you sat behind your laptop again. “Fine, I’ll do it right now.”

You took a sip from your coffee, and opened your email. This was final, now — no coming back.

You were officially gonna start working with Kim Taehyung.

gimme feedback, much much appreciated!

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series masterlist

Tags: @tangledsparkles​ @hoefortaeshands​ @getmemyfries

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #475

(from two days ago, oops)

What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I really like a steady rain tapping on the windows. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No, because I'm ugly. It's annoying because I've been wanting to take pics with Girt considering even as just friends literally none exist of us, but yeah. I fucking hate taking pictures of myself and it takes a billion and two tries to get a picture I deem "acceptable" anyway. Were you named after anyone? No. What was the last comic book you read? I don't and never have read comic books. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. All things considered, somehow my former best friend was the worst. She was homophobic, racist, extremely self-centered, drama-driven, excessively bossy, ungrateful... I will never be able to explain how our friendship ever worked. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn it. With certainty. We just aren't meant to live forever. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? 99% of my life has been Cringe. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Be distracted/not pay attention to the other, like by constantly using their phone. It's so rude. That would immediately make me lose interest in you. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dunno. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? I was absolutely going to college as a kid. Fast-forward to the future, I've dropped out three times and am going nowhere. Little me saw me as so, so much more successful. Do you actually iron your clothes? No. Unless it's a formal occasion. Do you rent or own your current home? We rent. Have you ever used cursive after school, aside from your signature? My handwriting is naturally mostly cursive. Do you have your groceries delivered or do you buy them yourself? We order our groceries for pick-up, so we have to go to the store, but not in. Do you have a gym membership? Sigh. I do, but Mom and I have really been neglecting going since my time with my personal trainer ran out... What’s your favorite computer game genre? Horror, of course. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you ever been severely mentally ill? I am. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? EW no, that shit grosses me out so much. If someone’s laughing, do you instantly think they’re laughing at you? Suuuure do. How would you react if your parents told you they were having another baby? Well, they're divorced, Mom cannot stand my dad, and she also had a complete hysterectomy when she had ovarian cancer, so like... Have you ever had a garage or yard sale before? How much did you make? Over the course of my life, we've had a few yard sales. I don't remember how much we made at any. Have you ever had to evacuate your home for any reason? No. Which mythological creature is your favorite? DRAGONS. I love dragons. Have you ever been to a butterfly garden before? No, but that sounds amazing. What's the biggest bird you've ever seen up close? Oh my god y'all, when I volunteered once at a wildlife rehab center, I was FEET away from some sort of falcon. Guys, you would not believe JUST how big birds of prey are. I was shocked and in total awe. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? More than once. Were you ever afraid of the dark as a child? I don't THINK I was? What is the strangest thing you’ve been asked? Something inappropriate that really pissed me off. What was your favorite game as a child? I was obsessed with the original Spryo trilogy and would play all three obsessively. What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? I don't know, dark shit. Do you crack your knuckles, neck or toes constantly? No, but ugh Girt does that with his neck and it drives me insane alsdkjfaljdlfkwe. Are you constantly catching colds or other sicknesses? No, my immune system is a legend. Are you afraid of mice? No, they're precious. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I go on vacations so irregularly that I can't really answer this. I've been on a vacation maybe twice in my entire life. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? God no. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? No. I don't like soup. Who can never fail to make you laugh? Absolutely my boyfriend. He's the funniest person I know. Have you ever been on a tour bus? No. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Earplugs. Are you listening to music right now? No; I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within. Have you ever unbuttoned your ex’s pants? Just one of them, but we were together at the time. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? Mom made pizza. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? Girt's mother has Covid. He's vaccinated, but nevertheless, he's still getting a test done just to be safe, and also because if he's contracted it, I might have it. And that means my mother could get it, which just cannot happen, even if she's vaccinated, too. The poor guy is really freaking out about it, but ASTONISHINGLY, I'm not panicking yet. Girt's health has seemed fine, I'm fine, so... We'll just have to wait to see what his test says. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? No; yes. I hate living in the suburbs, it sucks here. Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats?' No. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Do you have freckles? Do you like/dislike them? Not on my face, no. I have a few randomly on my body though. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No. Have you downloaded extra fonts for your computer? Oh, plenty. Who is the latest great YouTuber you’ve discovered? The latest, uhhhh. I'd probably say John Wolfe as a truly "great" one considering I watch him regularly now. Do you read the Bible regularly? Yeah, no. All the Bible does is piss me off, frankly. Name three patriotic songs you like. I don't know about three, but I do shockingly like this one country song with a name I can't remember. All I know is it has "red, white, and blue" in the title. ... I think. Oh! There's "Deutschland" by Rammstein, even though it's not about my own country. Has it ever snowed on your birthday? Maybe at some point as a kid? Idr. Do you like the way your name is spelled? No, actually. I wish it was "Brittney." It's more true to the pronunciation. Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest, and while I really shouldn't care, like believe what you want, it's a genuine pet peeve of mine when others base their fucking lives around what positions some goddamn stars are in in an infinite universe. They make decisions based on bullshit being spat at them that might not be suitable. I know, it's stupid to care, but I can never seem to NOT roll my eyes when I see/hear people blaming their flaws and shit on this stuff. Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? No; I have very few. What’s the band that you love even though you know they’re awful? I can't help but love some Blood on the Dance Floor songs. :x Do you coo over other people’s babies? No, not really. Like I can acknowledge a cute picture and be like "awww," but it's nothing I lose my mind over at all. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? The only high school friend of mine I'm still actively friends with/is still in my life is Girt, obviously. Like I have HS friends on Facebook that I still very much love and will react to what they post and sometimes comment, but we don't really talk-talk. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ That's not something I can afford to do. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? I do, and I love them both. Do you store a lot of pictures you’ve taken that no one else has seen? I'm a wanna-be photographer, of course I do. If you had to name your kid after an American state, which would you choose? Probably "Dakota" for either gender. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have your normal dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. Do/did you doodle on your books at school? My notebooks and binders, ohhhh yes. Actual school textbooks, absolutely not. Who’d you last see in a tux? The groom and groomsmen of the last wedding I shot. Who’s the bravest person you know? Sara. Have you ever dated someone who was real sportsy? No.

[dancedance-resolution]

us healthcare system rant again

so my grandmother fell again right blah blah blah. we called an ambulance bc that’s the only way to avoid a 6+ hour wait time. way capitalism.

anyways so today she has to go back. she’s in a fuck ton amnt of pain and needs to be seen pretty urgently imo! like honestly more urgently than she needed to be seen yesterday. but we can’t afford to call an ambulance again. we already spent our extra money on the first ambulance ride.

so now she’s at this godforsaken hospital waiting room. they had no wheelchairs available to give her, so we waited for one for 7 mins until the pain was so bad that we said fuck it and i got her wheelchair out of the car for her. we didn’t want to do that bc last time the hospital messed the fuck up her last wheelchair when she brought it in. so okay off to a good start lol. we get in and ask for a sling and some ice. they do not have either. they tell her to sit down somewhere; only place available is next to this woman hacking up a lung in a wimpy fucking surgical mask and btw! they no longer do covid screenings before admitting you to the waiting room. then they tell me i can’t wait with her and. bestie. she is in so much pain she cannot communicate with you!!!!! i kind of need to be here so you can even know what the fuck is going on!!!! but they’re like no for covid reasons (which. fuck all the way off. i’m pretty sure it’s illegal to tell a patient who can’t communicate that she can’t have the person who is communicating for her. but also! where is that concern for covid when you let my 80 year old grandmother sit next to this person coughing up a lung!!!!)

they tell me to go wait in the car bc i’ll be allowed to be with her again after triage (WHICH AGAIN. I REALLY NEED TO BE THERE FOR SO I CAN FUCKING TELL YOU WHY WE ARE EVEN HERE.). at hour 1 i went home and made eggplant parm so she has something nice and homemade to eat when she gets home. also to tend to the very anxious dogs, do some laundry, etc. anyways i’m back in the parking lot and it’s hour four and i !!!! i called her to see if she’s been triaged yet and the answer is still no. and like she is fucking not okay to keep fucking waiting there!!!!! i had to repeat what i was asking a guck ton of times and her reply sounded like she was delirious (idk if that’s the right word) and like uhh probably bc she’s in severe pain that you are not fucking treating!!!!!!!

also like . it’s not just pain. you can physically see what it is wrong with her and if i were to type out a description i would have to tag this as pretty bad gore!! soooooooooooo!

every day it makes me so fucking angry. every day. and i’m fucking terrified she’s gonna get covid in there (she who has copd recent pneumonia every risk factor under the sun etc etc!) and they’re gonna make her feel even more miserable than she already feels. like where is the FUCKING compassion

and i don’t blame the workers bc they are so obv trying their best. i blame this for profit hospital being the only one for an hours drive. i blame capitalism etc etc etc etc. i’m just. so fucking done

i am so constantly hyper fucking aware of how little time she has left on this earth. and it fucking kills me to know that so much of it is being spent dealing with shit medical care, shit insurance company (bc she’s on a privatized medicare that EATS FUCKING ASS), shit etc etc . i just feel so done!!! that’s all.

“what about wait times if we move to single payer healthcare” YEAH WHAT A FUCKING BOUT THEM.

[rose-tinted-wings]

I am too tired

Too stressed

Car insurance too hard

Too expensive because I don't actually OWN the vehicle

So now I have to wait so I'm not committing fraud

I'm still trying to save to pay off a holiday four people still owe me for but they don't have to pay until November so I'm just gonna be stressing about it until its done. I don't like being in debt

And then there's a bed and mattress I needed to get because of all the pain the old one was causing

Plus a gaming monitor boo got because his broke

And I feel like I'm already behind because I did things like, buy clothes and yanno, go out for my birthday 🤦‍♂️ should have just not bothered

And now boo is sending me money to help but then I know he's not going to buy himself enough food or the things he WANTS to eat because it's "too expensive"

Like, we need to eat! But eating healthy is expensive

I just-I don't know.

I'm still not sleeping properly and I'm so easily pissed off and I'm trying my best to control my emotions but I literally left discord last night because I couldn't be bothered to argue with lol about him being young because I was gonna verbally skin him alive, I swear.

I just want to cry in all honesty.

And I feel like the parents are being "extra charitable" because with the weather being hot they bought us an air cooler and said oh you can pay half and we agreed but then they said they'd pay for it but it was really expensive and it's just like... Do you not trust me to pay? Am I that far behind with payments? I don't know if its being nice or being bitchy. I don't understand human... Like... Can't think of words... Sociatal rules? I don't understand the behaviour as to why they're doing this. But I feel bad about it anyway.

And then again there's the fucking false Sugar Daddies swinging round like, babe, if you're gonna fuckin pay me, do it. Because I feel like I'm drowning and that $3000 every weekend you promised would really come in handy right now! But yeah, they're always trying to scam you and it pisses me off that you call them out on it and then it's your fault for telling the truth and, what, am I not meant to do that either??

I just want to slam my head against a wall until I can sleep or calm down or something but I can't even use the stim toys I buy because I like the Clicky things on them and no one likes me making noise so I can't even use them to soothe myself so here I am frantically typing on my goddamn phone not knowing what blog to put this on because one on hand, yeah, this is my blog and stuff and when you're struggling you should let people know? But then that's also not polite and can come across as passive aggressive or whiney? Plus there was that anon I upset by being fuckin yearny on my own blog so therefore I don't wanna upset strangers in my own safe space...

I'm. So. Tired.

And then boo wanted to go away for Christmas but he can't even go to my eldest friends baby shower because we're meant to be shielding again because he's got like 8 things against him if he got Covid he'd probably fuckin die 😭

I can't. I just can't right now. And the car. Omg the car. Like, I've had two flat tyres in as many weeks which has set me back on the repairs which mum and dad have paid for half, again. So I have to pay them back again for that too. And then I know I'm gonna need an MOT in November. Why do these things have to be every year huh? Why can't you just be like, yep, she's good to go! And leave me for like, 2-5? Plus she needs a service, the bloody spanner has come up on my dashboard and it's been there for ages but I can't afford the £120 right now so now it's just like, you've gone over the allotted millage for your service by 350 miles, please get one and I'm just like... I am poor okay? I cannot afford this right now!

And the amount of petrol I've needed because I went to see a friend for his graduation (basically, he hasn't had it officially yet but he has, we know he has), plus paying to eat out and stuff.

WHY DO I DO THIS!?!?

I know you're meant to have flowers and bread but I cannot afford both.

[girlsbtrs]

My Ladybird Moment (Significant Songs in Life)

Written by Mary Ragheb. Graphic by James N. Grey. 

(First of all I wanna give the credit for this title to Pablo, that was all their idea and honestly it works perfectly.)

I know I’m not alone when I say that music has carried me through my whole life - whether that was me singing along with the Jonas Brothers in my best friend’s bedroom in elementary school or staring up at the ceiling blasting My Chemical Romance through my headphones in true emo-kid fashion. But I have always had a weird sensitivity to sound. It could be the ADHD talking but hear me out. Songs for me are ultimately almost always attached to some specific memory or feeling, so much so that I don’t think there’s an album in existence that I haven’t cried to at least once. 

So I guess this is my ladybird moment/a playlist of my life???? 

Let’s start with artists and then we’ll get into songs. This is important because I’m starting with literal baby steps here. 

Firstly, there’s Umm Kulthum, one of the most decorated and well-known Egyptian singers ever. I spent much of my childhood listening to her sing on cassettes that my parents brought back from Egypt. Obviously I didn’t know how popular she was when I was a child, but even when I catch my dad listening to her in his little home office, I feel a sense of innocent comfort - almost like when my mom used to wrap a blanket around me on our yearly road trips to New Jersey. 

Second of all, I have to give an honorable mention to both the Jonas Brothers and One Direction. I mentioned the JoBros earlier, and I know I’m not alone in how much their music brought us joy as kids. My family couldn’t afford to get us iPods, so I spent a lot of time at friends’ houses listening to them on their older sisters’ CD players or flip phones. You remember those swivel-y ones that had a trackpad like an iPod? Yeah those. (Also don’t talk to me if your favorite brother wasn’t Joe. I will die on this hill.) Now One Direction. I wish I was kidding when I say that my first concert was seeing them OPEN for Big Time Rush in 2011. I think that’s the biggest flex I hold to this day. While I cringe at old pictures of me clad in clothes with the British flag all over them, they were honestly my introduction to fandom culture. 

Third, let's get into emo baby. I started high school in a whole new country, which to say the least was a difficult adjustment. Kids can be cruel and that’s true no matter where you are, but by 13 and after being the new kid 4 times up to that point; you kinda become a target. And as cliche as it is, it’s what drove me to fall down a hole of Mayday Parade, Paramore and (drum roll please) - yep, you guessed it, All Time Low. Everyone who knows me knows that I love this band with my whole being. Now, there are a slew of reasons as to why. Obviously Therapy is one of them because my god I still cannot listen to that song without crying. Don’t Panic also came out when me and my family flew back to Boston after living abroad for a year. I remember driving through our old neighborhood while Outlines blasted through my headphones - ironically saying “I’m half remembered halfway across the world, twice removed from my second home.” But above all the intricate stories and lyrics that Alex has written over the years, ultimately they are the reason I met one of my best friends. That seems to be a common theme with me. I’ve taken it as the universe telling me to never stop listening to music. Like, ever. 

Finally, let’s all get ready to give the greatest round of applause for my college introduction into K-Pop. To be honest, I blame Halsey for this. I have loved her since I heard Room 93 (and realized I was not straight, thanks Ashley), and I can pretty much recite every album she has front to back. So when I saw them work with BTS I figured, “okay, I guess I can get on board with this.” The best way I can describe it is that Simpsons meme where the kid goes “haha I’m in danger.” K-Pop fans have this theory that your “comfort group” comes to you when you’re ready and I don’t know how they hit the nail on the head but they’re not wrong. I didn’t have an ideal college experience whatsoever, I had a lot of trouble making friends because I honestly didn’t talk to anyone (my own fault, I know). And yet somehow when I started listening to BTS, I made a whole community of friends on the internet and ended up meeting two of my best friends who just happened to walk into my job. If anyone has an existential explanation for all this please let me know before I go ask Namjoon myself. 

Okay now that we’ve finished that, let’s get into songs. These are in no particular order, but I guess a common theme that I can attribute to them is power. Not to sound like a tyrant or anything; power to me comes in all forms. The power of love, strength, dominance, and happiness. 

Is There Somewhere by Halsey (Room 93)

When I say I feel like I’ve grown up alongside Halsey, I’m not kidding. Not only was this song the prelude to my coming out, but seeing her artistry develop since 2015 has made me feel like a greater part of something. Too cheesy? Ok moving on. 

Jasey Rae by All Time Low (Put Up or Shut Up)

This isn’t going to be the only All Time Low song on this list for sure, but it is one of my absolute favorites. If the last chance I got to hear it live was at the 10 year So Wrong It’s Right Anniversary in 2017, then I can die content. I maintain that All Time Low don’t have a bad song in their discography, but Put Up or Shut Up is such a big comfort album for me that I still get the same tingles that I felt when I listened to it at 15. 

Don’t Lean on Me by The Amity Affliction (Let the Ocean Take Me)

The Amity Affliction is another one of those bands that marks a really crucial point in my life when I had to reconcile with my mental health. Not to get super emo or anything, but having every single emotion and painful feeling laid out (or screamed out, thank you Joel) soothes the numbness that I had accepted for my pain. Honestly, you could put this song on and I would still scream “LET THE OCEAN TAKE ME” at the top of my lungs like I did at Warped Tour in 2018. 

Going to Hell by The Pretty Reckless (Going to Hell)

I’m sure having The Pretty Reckless on this list surprises absolutely noone, but I really think that this album threw me into full blown feminist rage. I have never been one to dilute my feminism to make men more comfortable, but after seeing Taylor Momsen clad in leather singing in front of a band of all guys and commanding all the attention in the room (not to mention her VOICE) - I just wanted to be as badass and confident as her. 

Breed by Nirvana (Nevermind)

Is anyone surprised that Nirvana also made the list? Another moment of feminist rage. Have you ever had a guy interrogate you about a band or show or literally anything that non-men enjoy because he thinks there is no way you could possibly REALLY enjoy it? Yeah, I got that a lot in high school. And still now as a grown ass woman but that’s not the point here. I watched a lot of music documentaries during my last two years of high school, mainly about the 80’s and 90’s and the evolution of grunge, hence fueling my love for documentaries even more. And as always, girls cannot seem to like anything without being scrutinized for it so my interest in Nirvana was met with a lot of “yeah but you don’t actually listen to them right?” So it seemed appropriate for my response to that to be to latch onto a song that literally starts with “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.”

Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore (Brand New Eyes)

Paramore also comes as no surprise here since I profess my love for miss Hayley on a daily basis. I could have picked any song from Paramore’s discography; they are the ultimate encompassment of comfort and happiness. But Brick by Boring Brick made (and still does make) me feel like running through a field in the rain wearing a torn up down and screaming at the top of my lungs. 

Dear Maria, Count Me In by All Time Low (So Wrong, It’s Right)

Ah yes, the song that shoots serotonin straight through my veins. The first time I ever saw All Time Low, I was lucky enough to be able to photograph them. And even with a camera strapped to my side, I did not hesitate to jump up and crowdsurf the second the show was coming to an end. I’ve flown to Florida, California, Arizona, and New Jersey and every single time Dear Maria comes on something just takes over the crowd. It’s one of the few times I have seriously felt like family around a bunch of complete strangers. Even when I lost my earring, got dropped straight on my back and passed around the same water bottle across like 50 people. (pre-COVID huh?) I think my favorite Dear Maria memory had to be the last All Time Low concert I went to in December 2020. I was crowdsurfing at the same time another girl got thrown up, and to make sure we didn’t crash into each other we instinctively reached for each other and held hands until we were both over the barricade. I don’t think any moment in live music has felt more precious to me than that. (Also the fact that everyone pointed out that it sounds like an anime intro just makes it even more fitting.)

Magic Shop by BTS (Love Yourself: Answer)

When I say that BTS inject love into their music, I mean this song in particular. After Map of the Soul: Persona came out in 2019, I spent the following weeks listening to their entire discography all the way back to 2013. As soon as Magic Shop came on, I burst into tears before I even got a chance to read the translation (I cried more after I read the translation too.) BTS have perfected the concept of a comfort song and Magic Shop is the perfect example of it. It feels as if for 4 minutes and 36 seconds, you are safe. Honestly though, I could probably throw every single BTS song into this list. They have brought me peace, reassurance, friendships and genuine happiness during a time that I least expected, but needed it the most. 

[rockrevoltmagazine]

Interview: Dead Animal Assembly Plant

The Sweet Meats Slaughterhouse was founded in 1895 by Wilhelm Schröder. Internationally known for his advances in industrialized butchery…he produced 30% of the meats consumed in the United States. In 1915 tragedy struck the small town he called home when all the livestock took some unexplained fatal disease. The ever resourceful Schröder turned to the only available meat. The townsfolk. When they discovered the terrible truth – they enacted their own form of justice. Feeding the once prolific Schröder to his own machines. The Sweet Meats Slaughterhouse remained eerily quiet and vacant..until one night…horrible noises resembling music emanated from the dank hallways.

    Why did you pick your band name?

Z.Wager: That is definitely the 10,000 dollar question. Having a name like Dead Animal Assembly Plant – I’ve found people either love it or hate it. It does feel like a disjointed jumble of nonsense. Yet the origin story is actually pretty mundane. A number of years ago I was casually looking at a website relating to business licenses and I came across one that I found extremely bizarre. In the state of Oregon in order to transport or store animal carcasses you have to get what’s called a “Dead Animal Assembly Plant” license. The absurdity of it was too much. At that moment I thought it would make a great band name.

Once I started putting together the pieces of the theme. Backstory. Etc. Having such a name made it easier to come up with the mythology and just kind of build on it from there.

Anything you would like to share, from new merch to upcoming shows/tours or songs/albums?

Z.Wager: So March is a big month for us in terms of releasing new material. March 26th our new album “Bring Out The Dead” will be released via Armalyte Industries. It will be available via Bandcamp (www.deadanimalassemblyplant.bandcamp.com) in both physical and digital form. We are very excited to finally have the album it out. The initial release date was pushed due to COVID. We had finished the album just prior to our tour in 2019, but the world turned inside out as we all know, so the decision was made to delay the release. Which was completely understandable. There was just too much going on and people were far too distracted by way more important things. We can’t wait to finally be able to hit the road to play new music and promote the album.

We also recently did a collaboration with the Belgian surrealist artists – Mothmeister. They just released their 2nd art book and over the past few months have been working with them to create unique “sonic landscapes.” Each track represents a different chapter in their book. So we would get a collection of photos and from that compose a soundscape that would convey the overall emotion. Try to tell the story their vivid imagery conveys. It was an honor to work with them on that. The 9 tracks are included for free when you buy their latest book which is available on their etsy page (mothmeister.etsy.com.)

As far as shows we are currently gearing up to perform a live set in late May. It will be professionally recorded/edited then released on YouTube. Still working out the details on that but we cannot wait to play together again even though it will be in a closed studio.

How do you describe your music to people?

Z.Wager: It can be challenging describing your music to people because of preconceived ideas about what defines a genre. Plus you don’t really want to pigeon-hole yourself into a music corner. We basically say it’s a cauldron of rock, metal, industrial, electronica, but also a bit of rockabilly or dissonant noise. That even sounded silly listing out haha. I think one of the funnest things is to hear how people describe your music to you. It’s really insightful and rewarding.

Do you get nervous before a performance or a competition? What advice would you give to beginners who are nervous?

Z.WageR: Oh we all still get nervous before shows. Doesn’t matter how big or small the venue/crowd. There’s always this nervous halo kinda dangling over your head. It really doesn’t start sinking until after we get ready and there’s that calm before the storm as it were. When you’re loading in, getting ready, doing your make up, sound checking etc etc…there’s almost no time to really be nervous. After all that is done and you have time to process your emotions…yeah the nerves set in.

I’ve never seen nerves as a bad thing though. It’s exhilarating and it really keeps your head focused. Maybe it’s the adrenaline junky in me haha. But it makes you feel alive and present. If there gets a point when you’re so jaded that you don’t feel that then maybe you need to rethink where you’re at. Approach the show with confidence – of course – but let those waves of anxiety wash over you.

Let it drive your performance or keep you on your toes. Then when you hit the stage let it drop and roll away. Cuz now it’s show time and people deserve to see a great show. So my advice is not to try and avoid your nervousness but embrace it as part of the experience.

Do you have a band website? Do you have a Facebook or Twitter? Do you use Bandcamp, Spotify, or SoundCloud to share your music?

Z.Wager: Yes we are all over the place on the internet. Bandcamp is by far our preferred place for selling music online. Sure, it’s a business but they don’t rake artists across the coals unlike all the streaming services. It is hilariously sad when you register your music and get the occasional “check” for the stream payouts. It would be easy to get angry if it wasn’t so funny how ridiculous the thing is. At that point you really do have to think of it in terms of getting it out to more ears than expecting a payout. All of our links can be found below. 

How Does music affect you and the world around you?

Z.Wager: At one point in our lives – up to today – we can all say that music saved us in some way. I know it’s a cliche’ we say or hear a million times, but we know it to be true. Music is visceral. It vibrates us down to our core. It gives a voice to the voiceless. Understanding to the hopeless. This is something we all feel and for us – if we’re able to put something back into the ether and help one person get through a tough time – then it’s all worth it. Because it’s something that no matter who we are…our backgrounds…beliefs…we can find something in common.

One of the best things anyone has ever said to me at a show that really stuck with me was,” You know there’s a lot going wrong in my life right now, but I know when I come to one of your shows…I can forget all that and just have fun.” That really meant the world to me because that is a huge part of why we do what we do.

How would you define the word “success?”

Z.Wager: That’s such a loaded subjective word. To me it really comes down to …fun. Are you having fun? If so – then you are successful. It isn’t always a happy positive situation…like any other facet of life it is wrought with negativity, dangerous thoughts, and dramatic complications but I can say..still…I’m having fun. So no matter how big or small your band is…your following is..how big your shows are…if you are having fun then you are successful. People can tell and respond to that energy when a band is in a positive state of mind. But it’s that realization that can get you through the darkest times.

How did you form?

Z.Wager: So back in 2007 I was in a friend’s band called Bound in Oblivion. He was taught me a lot about various DAWs and gear to the point where I started tinkering around more with my own songs. I had ideas for songs that didn’t really jive with what he wanted so I initially formed DAAP as a solo side project. A place where I could experiment with themes and compositions. After a few years and a few small – VERY – rough releases I wanted to do a live show, but I didn’t want it to be only me. I didn’t want Industrial karaoke. So through my friend Case (whose band I was in prior) I met Eric “aka Zero” and my friend Vex (of Particle Son) joined. Viola the 4 of us clunked our way through a show that was supposed to be a one off. Here we are 10 yrs later (almost to the day) still trudging through. Granted, we have changed members up quite a bit but that comes with the territory. Why have kids when you can have a band? Haha

Who writes the songs, what are they about?

Z.wager: We all , in some respect, work on the songs. I generally will write the lyrics, but the compositions/instrumentation is a collective effort. There are stronger personality imprints on certain songs which i love because it makes it dynamic yet cohesive. The themes of our songs are generally all over the place. There’s no one thing we tend to focus on other then we follow the basic idea that real life is far more horrorific than make believe. So whilst we call ourselves a horror band – the horror we generally write about is every day life. The depths in which humans stoop. We’re also not very religious and tend to view religion through the lens of critical skepticism. So, that definitely makes easy fodder for lyrics. Predictable? Absolutely. But they make it so very easy.

What’s your outlook on the record industry today?

Z.Wager: In one word: shambles. The pandemic has really shown how shark infested those waters are. It’s a vicious voracious hungry monster that is solely designed to eat away every bit of creativity. It very much is an industry and a business. It’s always been cruel but it the cruelty has gotten more calculated over the years. Yet there is the other side to it. It’s the golden age of the independent artist. All those outlets and resources that were afforded only to major labels are now available to everyone. That’s a wonderful thing. i know people can feel pretty divisive about it but that’s a load of gate keeping nonsense.

Sure, it’s still a business so everything takes money but now you can have your own studio, pay for your own production, hire a PR person, have your music online, and stay connected to your fan base. People can be their own bosses. Own managers. Keep control of their art. That strips a lot of power away from the big business side of it. Sure, it’s still a rat race…people claw at each other for a piece..that’s in our nature. But now you have far more control over what you do with your art. Empowering the creator which is paramount.

There will always be that power struggle between both sides of it and you just have to figure out what’s best for you. Full steam ahead. Damn the torpedoes!

  DAAP combine elements of rock, metal, industrial, and bring a strong post-apocalyptic / horror influence to our characters and stage show. Shows include: Knotfest 2015, Wasteland Weekend 2018/2019, multiple successful independent tours including a national tour in 2019, Twitch.tv appearances, collaborations with international artists Mothmeister, and direct local support for numerous national touring acts from metal, to horror punk, to industrial.

The fanatical cannibals of Dead Animal Assembly Plant have whipped up their own recipe for the horrors of the modern age: with a touch of rock, dash of metal, pinch of industrial, sprinkle in some electronics and heaping helping of madness. Welcome to the slaughterhouse.”

    DEAD ANIMAL ASSEMBLY PLANT: Z.WAGER REBECCA ‘BUZZ’ WAGER ERIC ‘ZERO’ BERGEN JASON ‘SKORN’ MOORE NICK ‘NIX’ SNYDER

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Interview: Dead Animal Assembly Plant was originally published on RockRevolt Mag