#making myself as hard to ignore as possible

[sl-newsie]

American Woman (Thomas Shelby x American OC) Ch. 59: Look Inside

Masterlist: https://www.tumblr.com/sl-newsie/739551758747090944/american-woman-thomas-shelby-x-american-oc?source=share

The journey home is a quiet and steady one. The further we sail from England the lighter the weight on my heart becomes. Liam helps to district me with card games. By the time we reach America the sight of New York harbor fills my tired soul with joy. Never did I think I’d be so glad to come home. 

Over the next few months things fall back into place. Moeder, vader, and oma were relieved when I told them I’ll be working in America. Polly, Finn, and Ada keep in touch with letters. Polly writes that Thomas never visits. Lizzie’s frantically trying to talk to him but he doesn’t want to. Arthur and Linda have built a life for themselves. Finn keeps to himself. Their kind words offer comfort but nothing can patch up what’s already happened.

Bonnie also keeps his promise. A letter arrives every week, talking all about his adventures with his father and the Peaky Blinders. In return I write him letters about the different customers I encounter. Sometimes I meet with people in vader’s pub. Other times I give them the courtesy of meeting in their own settlements. But Bonnie always ignores talk of business and always asks to make sure I’m doing okay. I write that I am… I think.

“Verena! Dochter! Please come help me with these crates!”

“Coming, moeder!” I call from my room.

“Auntie! Tante!” Eoin’s youngest daughter Cecilia giggles. “Will you play with me?” 

Since I came back it’s been my job to help entertain Eoin’s kids. It’s a perfect way to let my heart heal, even though I do admit that I wish I was taking care of Charlie again. I wonder how Lizzie’s doing with her pregnancy- 

“Verena! Phone for you!” Oma’s voice echos from downstairs. “Someone named Arthur?”

Oh thank God. If it was Thomas I would completely ignore this. My sweet oma smiles at me as I pitter-patter down the stairs, unaware of my anxious thoughts. What on Earth would Arthur be calling about? If there’s something wrong over there shouldn’t they call Ada in Boston?

“Hello?” I ask uneasily into the phone.

“Hello? Verena? It’s Arthur.”

“Greetings, Arthur. Is there something wrong?”

On the other end I hear him chuckle. “You could say that. Verena, get over here before Tommy kills himself. I’m getting him back to work but he needs you here too.”

He wants me to… What?

Arthur listens to my dead silence and keeps talking. “Please? He’s turned into a fucking Communist!”

Turned into one, or fucking one? First Grace, then the Russian, then Lizzie. Now a Commie? I guess two children aren’t enough. Retirement isn’t possible for Thomas Shelby. He’s moved on this long without me, even after I confessed. What can I go back to now? It's time that I take a look at myself and stop trying so hard.

“I’m sorry, Arthur. But there’s no way I can sail over right now. Give my best to Linda. Tot ziens.”

I hang up before he can answer. Before my healing wounds are ripped open again. In these last years of my young life I feel that I’ve learned the toughest lesson. Being mature, being too aware, comes at a cost. In the spam of your life you think too far ahead. Think about how to fix things you can’t control. Re-evaluate what could have been or what could be. Stress about doing your best to please anyone but yourself. 

And Thomas Shelby will be the key stressor for the rest of my life.

General POV

He was fucked.

Thomas has really backed himself into a ditch now. He just couldn’t help himself.

Yes, he had fucked Lizzie. But he was not thinking of May as she had assumed.

Verena.

The only woman he’s ever tried to abstain from. It takes every fiber of willpower not to claim her heart. To pull her close and kiss her gentle lips.

Maybe he was addicted to sex, maybe he was just trying to feel some form of happiness. But one thing is certain. Verena satisfies everything in him.

When Thomas had first set eyes on her, the short, bright-eyed woman standing in the kitchen, he thought for sure she would be like any other broad. Annoyingly chatty, clingy, and skittery. Lord, was he wrong. 

First Thomas thought he was only confused. Verena never used him for money like other women. Grace played his heart like a fiddle so he assumed his tenderness towards Verena’s gentle Christian spirit was the product of friendship. But once he was married… A part of him still felt empty. 

That time at Arrow House, before she was called away at a time of poor inconvenience, he was so close. So close to asking her. He was torn on the matter. Should an innocent woman like her ever settle for a life with him? After all, he’d been so distrustful at the beginning of her employment. 

But then she was pulled away. Time ate off his hope and he drowned himself with the empty love of whores. When Verena finally came back, Thomas assumed she’d forgotten about him. But no. She is here, still vibrant and caring as before. Charlie couldn’t have been more happy to see her and Thomas secretly shared his son’s joy to see the American woman return. When she caught him in the bath Thomas thought the reaction on her face was the most sexy yet adorable thing he’s ever seen. But aside from looks, Verena still has a certain aura about her. Disciplined yet kind. One that reminds him of his mother. 

But he still hesitated. She really deserves so much better… Hell, Verena was almost caught in a vendetta because of him. She deserves a man far more better. Not someone as fucked up as he is. And then when Thomas saw Bonnie Gold being sweet on her he knew he could never truly forget the grip she has on his heart. If only she knew…

So instead he went back to Lizzie. He dug himself further into a pit of guilt, mending his pride by trying to forget. But the entire time Thomas could only think about how much he wished it was Verena. When Lizzie told him her joyful news, Thomas wanted to die of shame.

That look. That look on Verena’s face…

When he told her.

A look of pain and despair that felt like a slap to the face. It was all his fault. And yet she still held back. Maybe Verena doesn’t really love him as he’d hoped? Verena distributes her kindness to everyone. An angel amongst gangsters. Maybe he mistook her gestures to be exclusively for him?

But Thomas can’t go back now. Even if Verena held any love for him she certainly won’t now. Thomas will have to bite the bullet and let her go. He was selfish to think a sinful man like him could ever be blessed to have an innocent woman like her. In truth, Verena never owed anything to the Shelbys. Thomas owes her the best he can offer, which is a life without him. Perhaps her absence will help to hide the pain from his cold heart.

After all these years Verena still carries a smile for him… Even if it’s forced. There’s no other way for Thomas to describe his situation.

He is completely fucked.

@meadows5

[beeseverywhen]

@staff @changes @wip

I have sent feedback today expressing my concerns around recent changes to posts. Removing icons will have a serious impact on my ability to remember who is reblogging what and frankly, is the kind of change that would make me reconsider using this site. As it stands I still have icons on my app and so I will be staying for now, but my desktop site has been made functionally useless thanks to this change.

In the feedback I submitted, I mentioned my concerns that tumblr is not considering the impact of changes like these to disabled users. Accessibility is not an optional extra. There are regulations in place in many of the countries that tumblr operates in protecting the rights of disabled people when changes are being made to services. Changes should not be being made without consideration of the impact they may have on disabled users of this site. As tumblr should know from recent dealings with New York city's commission on human rights, when civil protections are not taken in to consideration, and efforts are not made to counter bias within companies, there can well be a monetary cost.

I should think that after the recent settlement, eyes will be on tumbr, looking for any similar mistakes going forward. It would appear to me, that tumblr is standing on dangerous ground when it comes to any form of discrimination, and now is not the time for any kind of pattern to emerge.

I'm going to crosspost my concerns both in this post, the feedback, and in asks to official blogs. I hope to receive a reply addressing these concerns and it is my hope that any reply is not nearly as dismissive as those I have seen myself and others receive in relation to accessibility concerns in the past. I don't think it is at all amiss for me to remind staff that when it comes to legal protections against discrimination, willful negligence is not considered to be any kind of defence.

[carpetbug]

more Duvet brain rot! Gotta have a lie at the ready when you time travel to take care of your literal inner child 🐇

and a bonus

[arolesbianism]

I may be failing my plan to not make any isat aus. So there's this guy her name is Euphrasie right. What if I took her and combined what could be 3 separate au concepts into one. And in the process forced myself to go back and reread a bunch of shit to make sure I know how to maximally fuck over this sad wet puppy of a woman

[retiredcultistredux]

Zan, Are you doing alright? Was that some of Ester's Magic?

Zan: "His ability to get into people's minds can cause quite a headache...and the more you start to believe the lies he tries to show and tell you, the further you deteriorate...though...I know it's not real. ...But focusing so hard on trying to resist...trying to ignore it when it's so loud...it isn't doing much to stop the pain..."

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

[woolydemon]

I am cursed with the burden of liking so many things but not having energy to make art for all the things I like 😭

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[izzy-b-hands]

Cancelled the in person interview for today after discussing phone interview with Mum and Housemate last night (and the numerous red flags and cost of the lyft there and back for a job that ultimately the place wouldn't be able to convince me to take if offered, bc the general consensus was 'this is literally likely to be as bad as the current job BUT with the added cost of lyfts back and forth that they wouldn't be paying enough to offset, why on earth would you (me) take this job lmaooooo')

Which works out good bc the ongoing Mum trauma stuff is hitting hard as soon as I've woken and maybe I can get the Big Cry out today. Or write down any of the memories that have been playing on repeat in my mind

(with all this said, yes, I still asked and do legitimately care abt my mum's opinion and experience with jobs despite this; yes it feels weird; no I don't know how healthy that is or not lmao but I'm gonna lean towards Not Healthy bc im discovering that the work my previous doc did certainly uncovered this codependency and trauma which absolutely was a great help but like...we didn't actually really untangle any of it so I could try and untangle myself from my mum, even from 1600+ miles from one another. So. probably not healthy.)

[deadallover]

What's fucking wrong with me man. What a pathetic fucking life.

[bassciven]

like it’s not about all the little things that i keep saying are pissing me off. it’s the fact that i continuously feel like an afterthought in my own relationship because she’s too wrapped up in her own thoughts in her own head to notice the world around her and act like she isn’t the only one in it.

[vamptastic]

I always thought of diabetes as a thing you either Have or Don't but I looked into it a bit and man I was like extremely close to being diabetic before medication and literally follow the same treatment as type 2 diabetics (metformin and blood sugar monitoring). Hell if I had another blood test before starting the meds I may have been considered diabetic medically. Anyway I had the worst blood sugar crash of my Fucking Life tonight and had do the test it, drink orange juice, test again to be able to go to bed safely and it all just sucks. I don't want to deal with this happening for the rest of my life.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

*rattling the bars of my cage and screaming*

I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF MY HEALTH I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR HELP IN A WAY THAT WILL LET ME BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

[drchucktingle]

how are you human?

so many interesting comments and thoughts on my post saying buds should consider not coming up to strangers in marginalized groups and saying 'how are you a real person that actually exists?'. i will point out this: despite my VERY gentle tone a few buds said i was having a 'meltdown' for even mentioning it

others said i was being too serious for someone who is ‘not a real person’. so if you would any more evidence of what it is like to be a buckaroo like myself there it is. every day, autistic folks who may seem ‘weird’ are bombarded with messages and comments and implications that they are fundamentally not human beings

sometimes it is outright and blatant like the comments on last post saying ‘well why are you getting mad? you are not even real’ and sometimes it is in the very subtle ways that folks use language when they talk to us. there is huge difference between ‘how do you exist?’ and ‘i am glad you exist.’

anyway, something that i think many people who have not lived this experience dont seem to understand is i KNOW the poster who said ‘how are you a real person that actually exists’ probably meant it as a compliment. that is THE POINT of why i am taking a moment out of my trot to gently and anonymously let them know how it might feel to be on other end of something like this as a queer or autistic or otherwise marginalized buckaroo. it is obviously not their intent to actually hurt someone, so i am letting them know

maybe because queerness and autism are not physically apparent it is hard to explain, but imagine going up to very tall or very short person and saying ‘cant BELIEVE you are real’ as a compliment. not a great way to treat others. on my original post, an indigenous author chimed in with their own experience and feelings similar to my own. a woman who said she was very tall told her story. point is, while i do not have their experience, what i am saying has a universal thread for 'othered' folks

point is: i UNDERSTAND there is this sort of exaggerated or ironic (or maybe even sometimes very literal) language around fandom to say things like ‘how are you a human?’ to creators, but since it is not your intent to hurt, i think you might want to know how that feels to marginalized buckaroos sometimes.

obviously you can say anything you want. i do not hold it against you. also, if you think ‘oh no, did i say something like this to chuck at a convention? i am so embarrassed' then DO NOT WORRY i promise you buckaroo you are just fine. i present myself in a way that is unusual by definition, so i have pretty thick skin about this type of thing and a lot of patience. MANY buds start off thinking i am ‘a joke’ and then become fans over time and i am glad to trot beside them and prove love is real.

however there are other autistic or queer or marginalized buckaroos with smaller platforms who hear this just as much as me, so i think it is important to say it loudly and maybe together we can work on making a very slight shift in the way we speak to the ‘others’ in our lives

we do not NEED to let subtle dehumanization slip into our language. in some cases it has been called ‘micro aggressions’ but i think buds dont often consider what that means for COMPLIMENTS. ultimately, telling marginalized people YOU ARE SO AMAZING YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY EXIST may seem very fun and silly on the surface and for some folks it probably feels that way, but for others it can feel like a reminder of the broader doubt about their humanity. you can just say ‘YOU ARE AMAZING’ without the reminder of the many times autistic or queer or marginalized folks are told in a very serious and pointed way (like comments on the last post) ‘YOU ARE SO WEIRD THAT I HAVE DECIDED YOU ARE NOT REAL’

buckaroos can take this information and apply it to their interactions, or they can ignore it, that is totally fine. we are all trotting our own trots and proving love in our own way and thats okay bud, HOWEVER i feel like it is important to at least let folks know, even if that means getting told i am having a ‘meltdown’. i think it is important to have complex or difficult conversations if it will prove a little more love in the long run. THANK YOU FOR READING BUCKAROOS. i am honored to trot forward with you can tackle this kind of thing with you, and honored you buckaroos have created such an amazing space with me to pull apart these kind of feelings. THIS IS PROOF THAT LOVE IS REAL LETS TROT

[hemi-demi]

I've seen it said in places that Jon and Martin's relationship (specifically Jon realizing he has feelings for Martin) feels rushed and out of nowhere, and there's a perspective here that I want to share.

I think some people see them as explicitly a gay couple and expect them both to react a certain way to each other, but I have some thoughts as to why Jon is different and their relationship might not look like a traditional MLM story.

I feel that Jon's affections for Martin are absolutely there and growing over time, but with him being acespec, possibly autistic (the "I feel...sad" moment screams alexithymia to me. He doesn't fully understand his internal feelings until they're too big to ignore), and trying very hard to not get murdered for several seasons, I think it's perfectly reasonable his feelings for Martin would take time to develop.

We do see him softening to Martin over time. We see him thinking about Martin unprompted when he's alone. We see him going from "this man is going to ruin this delicate facade I've put up to seem professional, and I want him gone immediately." to "Oh, you're actually capable. So capable you might be trying to kill me." To "I don't want him to get involved or he might get hurt. I need to keep my distance so he's safe." To "I'm going to make myself tea out of nowhere because the guy who usually made it for me all the time isn't here and now it's part of my routine and I want to keep that part of him around while I'm hiding out for murder."

But once he identifies his own feelings, he overcorrects right into hopeless romantic. He's pining hard all S4, because he finally realized himself that he's in love and it's at the worst possible time. It is abrupt. Dude only just figured it out and he's throwing his whole ass into this.

I think even without the autistic headcanon, the acespec nature of how he views relationships and his whole "I feel...sad" moment indicates clearly that he was just oblivious to his own feelings for a very long time.

I know it feels sudden, but some of us are oblivious, okay? I was friends with a girl for 2 years before my brain flipped the switch and Jon's reaction felt so familiar, and I love it. I just hardly ever get to see "me" in media, and it's a bummer when people say it feels unrealistic. It's not, it's just not the norm.

[skiiyoomin]

Can you make Kenma,Oikawa, Hinata, Sugawara, Nishinoya, Akaashi with a sub! Girlfriend that has a personality that remembers a Golden Retriever?? (Can it be NSFW?)

ღHq boys with a sub!golden retriever gf

ʚft: Kenma, Oikawa, Hinata, Suga, Nishinoya, Akaashi

ʚCont: SMUT CONTENT, fem!reader, fingering, slight corruption kink, mirror sex, use of good girl, riding, oral sex

⤑Back to navigation

a/n i think i outdid myself with this one 😁

Kenma

There is a clear difference between your personalities. He´s passive and calm whereas you´re always a bundle of energy. Many joke you have all the energy Kenma doesn't. And that fact proves right in moments like these.

He was slumped on the couch when you skipped into the living room. Your eyes darted to his hands holding the controller. His long fingers were moving across the buttons with a speed only a chronic video game player had. A flash of thoughts that were anything but holy crossed your mind. They were pushed back almost immediately.

They were hard to ignore now that those same fingers were pumping up into your dripping cunt. Your hips moved on their own, rolling instinctively to find the same spot that had your head throwing back with whiny moans. The clutch your fisted hands had on his shirt tightened when you bounced on his fingers, riding them like you would with his cock. "ken mmgh fuck m´ tired" He wasn´t sure if his actions were out of sympathy or torture, but his free hand gripped your hip to stop their movement. His other hand, drenched in your juices, moved upwards at a fast pace, curling inwards to hit the plushness of your g-spot. "tired? already? well, I suppose I´ll help" Though he didn´t seem to mind with how hard he was in that moment, his erection begging to be freed from its restraints. The fast pace of his fingers brought your orgasm closer than you thought. Your mind blanked, body shaking as your walls clamped down on his fingers, imprisoning them inside your warmth.

His lips on your face landed you back from cloud 9. "such a good girl, wanna keep doing a good job for me and make me feel good?" He murmurs against your skin, to which you nod without hesitation.

Oikawa

Oikawa absolutely adoresss you. You´re his little puppy, his sweet innocent baby girl. He dies and revives every single time your doe eyes stare up at him with those bright irises. They shoot straight to his heart, tightening in his chest to the point where his breath is lost in the air. He doesn´t know what he´d do without his pretty girl. He could spend countless hours naming all the things he loves about you. But he was certain that what he loves most, is your willingness to please him. Like a puppy does with its owner.

Deep down, it isn´t just for the simple innocent reasons one may imagine. Your willingness to please applies to the bedroom too. And there was nothing that turns him on more than to have you on all fours, ramming his cock into your abused hole for hours on end.

Tears were falling down your pretty eyes, your back setting into a mean arch the longer you stayed in that position. Even then, your breathy shaky voice asked "m´ i making you feel good?" Call it a possible corruption kink, but seeing your head lifting to meet his gaze from the back with those teary doe eyes, your lips pouty as you concern yourself more over his pleasure than your own, god that just makes his dick harder than ever.

If anything, it keeps his cock pounding into you relentlessly, forcing orgasm after orgasm from you, all just to see you with that same look in your eyes. Yeah, he definitely has a corruption kink.

Hinata

You´re both bundles of sunshine. Your relationship is as radiant as the sun, a constant source of joy in each others lives. You´re both the same golden retriever energy and anyone can see that from a 20 mile radius. In terms of dominance, well, it´s hard to say. Or at least, that´s how it is for anyone outside the relationship. However between you two? It´s pretty clear.

The sight in front of you is sinful really. No porno you had ever watched was as erotic as this. Hinata is sitting on the edge of the bed with you sitting snuggly on his lap, your back pressed against his toned chest. You´re convinced you´d have bruises on your hips the next morning from how tight he was gripping them. Though your focus in that moment is on the dirty view from the mirror of your tight hole getting stretched open by his thick cock. While Hinata is setting the pace and keeping you balanced, you´re tasked to hold your legs wide open with your hands under your knees, giving you the perfect view of his cock connecting with your cunt.

As much as you wanted to throw your head back on his shoulder from the painful pleasure, you couldn´t look away from the sight. The way your puffy lips parted in an accomodating motion for his dick to pound up into you relentlessly is an addicting sight you can´t get enough of. The fast pace is dizzying along with the view of his fluids mixing with yours and coating his cock like a second skin. His pace sped up even more, though you hadn´t thought that was possible, when your impending orgasm resulted in the clenching of your gummy walls. "hold on f´me sweet girl, can you do that?" He asks sweetly into your ear despite the vicious pace of his tip kissing your cervix. "mhmm" Is all you can manage to say. "good girl"

Sugawara

Suga is often seen as the sweet calm boyfriend whereas you´re the energetic girlfriend whose always bouncing around with energy. It´s a balance that makes the relationship work very well. But what nobody expects is the 180 Suga does in bed.

A foot is balanced on his shoulder, his hands wrapped around the plushness of the back of your thighs. Suga loves this more than anything else. When your body goes limp from the pleasure, reducing all that energetic behaviour that you had before to nothing. You never resist him, no, instead you encourage him to keep going. To keep stretching your body into positions you didn´t think were possible. To keep your walls continuously stroking his cock, pulling countless orgasms out of you until you had nothing left to give. And even then, you keep your legs spread wide open like the good little thing that you are.

He groans into your ear "fuck. You like that? like how good my cock is making you feel?" He growls into your ear. One hand moves to rub your swollen clit, intensifying the pleasure. The result of your moans urged his ruthless pace to quicken. He chuckles breathlessly. "can´t even speak. am I fucking my baby dumb? Is that it?" The mocking tone of his voice was far more arousing than you thought and he knew it. How could he not when your walls were clenching so tightly around his aching member?

"wanna loosen up for me baby girl? I can´t make you cum if you´re squeezin so tight" He smirks "Yeaah that´s it, good fucking girl" He says in that low raspy voice you love so much. You´re in for a looong night.

Nishinoya

You´re both equally energetic. His energy rubs off on you and yours rubs off on him. You two together is utter chaos in the best way possible. Though when it comes to dominance, Noya is always sure to prove he´s the dominant one. Not like you mind anyway.

It´s movie night and of course, one thing leads to another. Now you´re on Noyas lap with his cock fucking up into you. If this isn´t heaven, Noya wasn´t sure what is. You´re always so eager to take him, to be fucked into submission. He groans lowly when you squeeze particularly hard. His eyes trail from your pussy to the swell of your breasts that bounce every time he thrusts up into you, his grip on your hips controlling the pace. The sight is so enticing, so breath taking that he can´t resist getting a taste. His mouth latches onto oneperky nipple while his fingers play with the other, giving them equal attention.

"aaah ngh noya" You moan, the sounds like music to his ears. His mouth latches off your breasts with a pop. "hmm? is my baby girl feeling good?" You whine, trying to speed up the pace. His gaze darkens with a primal lust. His feet plant on the floor and with a sudden boost of energy, he fucks your hole with a roughness he had never used before. He has no time to worry if he´s being too rough, becuase you´re instantly arching your back into a mean curve and throwing your head back. It´s overwhelming, the intense pleasure, the throbbing of your cunt the more he keeps his cock inside you.

A loud smack resonantes across the room, a gasp following it afterwards. The sting from his slap on your ass strangely adds to the pleasure, making your cunt throb more. He seems to sense this as well because he does it again and again. By the end of that night, the skin of your ass was a painful tomato red. Though you can´t stay mad at him when he fucks you so good.

Akaashi

Akaashi seems to attract the most energetic people ever. First it was Bokuto, now it´s you. He doesn´t complain one bit though. He adores you so much and makes you feel so loved too. He especially loves showing his love for you through intimate acts. It´s too tempting for him after all. When you´re always so greedy to please him and make him happy. Or especially when you´re so submissive for him. You trust him blindly and know he takes good care of you and nothing can ever make him more turned on than that.

Like now, he´s laying on his stomach on the bed. The thickness of your thighs are wrapped around his head, pulling him closer to your aching core. This was the thing he loves most. Worshipping your body over and over like you´re a goddess and he´s your most faithful worshipper. A shiver crawls down your spine when his warm breath tickles your bare skin, coming in contact with your heat. You gasp when his warm tongue slips out and licks along your slit until it hooks on your clit. Akaashi is a patient man, but even his own patience wears thin under the temptation of ravishing you whole.

He wastes no time in wrapping his lips around your clit, sucking the bundle gently while slipping a finger inside. One finger turns into two, then three. Soon enough his fingers are thrusting into you while he continues to busy his mouth with your clit. It´s not long before your body shakes from the force of a mind blowing orgasm.

He doesn´t wait a single second. Your legs are forced to spread open, giving him space to slip his tongue into your sensitive hole. You whine and squirm from the overstimulation. "aaah kashi" Said man lifts his head up, your juices smeared all over his chin and lips. They press wet kisses to your inner thighs while looking up at your flushed face. "you know the safe word, don´t you darling?" You nod meekly under his intense gaze. He smirks "good" Is all he says before going back to fucking your throbbing hole like a starved man having his last meal on earth.