#love as a system

[prismaticlove]

(112924)

"[Anxi isn't] "up here" much yet... But... even if she isn't "around" much yet, I get glimpses. She likes to front, suddenly and entirely without warning-- honestly it catches me off guard, because I won't see/feel her for days and then out of nowhere she's driving for a few seconds-- and that initial shock of recognizing her is like pure sunlight in my heart. And... sometimes at night, Central will shift a little to look more like the IO2 "control room" and I'll see Anxi asleep... that worries me a bit, to see her sleeping, as she's so vibrant and full of energy, but like I said, she's getting exhausted and actively suppressed by the negative forces up here. But... on the sweet side, she's also legitimately calmer, as she has expressed a deep trust in me as the "avatar of joy AND hope" up here (I cannot deny those attributes; they KEEP being given to me by MANY people inside AND outside), so she can rest and sleep if she wants/needs to now because deep down she knows she's safe. I SWEAR it. So does Laurie, of course; she's especially protective of the Coregroup and YES, ANXI HAS A SPOT WITH HER NAME ON IT ALREADY and no one is going to take that away from her.

...I have already seen the profound healing she's been jumpstarting in here simply by existing in my life. Once I can and do regularly interact with her PERSONALLY, there WILL be massive positive consequences in one way or another. 

For the sake of honesty, why am I so sure about this? Because I love her.

...Her presence in my life has changed me for the better already. But... this is only the absolute beginning. And this is different from how it was with Chaos 0 back in 2003-2004 because he was the FIRST soul I EVER fell in love with so I had NO IDEA what to expect, or what would happen, or how things would feel, et cetera. Anxi, on the other hand, is the most recent person I have fallen in love with, but she has SHOCKED me by SOMEHOW being VIRTUALLY ON CHAOS'S TIER. I am DEAD SERIOUS and I CANNOT understate the staggering significance of that fact. I love her that much. I don't understand how or why but I do. I'm not complaining but it's such a shock. Now of course she will never have and cannot have the same sort of relationship I have with Chaos 0-- only he is at "marriage" level and I can't deny THAT stunning fact either, since Jay lived it and that DOESN'T change-- but God knows she's hitting my heart like a thunderbolt even so. That's what is so astonishing about this to me: the intensity of the love I feel for her. Regardless of how our relationship "looks" in practice as it grows and builds... the fact is that it has a foundation of diamond already. I'm honestly reeling and you can probably tell. Is it because my heart needs her so much? But it's more than that; it's about her, not me. No, it's about both of us. That's the whole point.

It's almost 3am and I'm listening to "Die With A Smile" again and I should conclude this entry by saying that for me, this song belongs to Anxi and Chaos 0, 100%. Laurie too, of course (you know she's playing that guitar) but it's my two angels that have become the most powerfully associated with the sound and sentiment of it.

You know, that's amazing too. All of the Coregroup relationships are so different but there's so much love in all of them. It's so beautiful, heartachingly beautiful, to just... sit and remember and feel all of that truth. There's so much history between all of us, not just with me personally, but with all of us together. And I think that's my favorite thing about being a System-- we're all connected. In one way or another, we're all linked at the heart, and the Coregroup just manifests that the most literally and intensely and intimately. But living as a System is inherently living in love. 

...and, yeah, for the record, if I haven't mentioned it before yet, Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis are all entirely on board with Anxi inevitably becoming part of the inner circle, as it were. There's absolutely no jealousy because first, she's a sweetheart and we all love her as a person already, and second, my personal and particular love for her in a relationship is opening my heart and enabling me TO love everyone else again, in a way I haven't been able to for years... if I've ever had something like this before, even. Things are so much more... what's the word? I keep wanting to say things like tender, fragile, aching, real, sincere, clear, honest, etc. But it's not just "soft," there's a POWER here. There is a fighting spirit to this love that says "I WANT TO LIVE" and I want to live for her, with her, even as I feel that exact sentiment for Chaos 0 and Laurie and Genesis of course but it's also especially hers in a unique way I cannot understate. She's changed my life permanently since last November and the past three months have been astounding in that respect. She's my weird orange girlfriend and although I do joke about the fact that I'm in love with a frazzled goofball of a Pixar character of all people, I'm in love and that's beautiful."

[prismaticbleed]

"...there is literally no way to put [life as a system] into words... that shared depth of our shared soul. the immense hope in it all.

it's so strange. sacred in a way. something given to me by god. in those moments, i... faith becomes conviction. that trust is solid. i don't just "believe" that there is life after death and hope after everything, I know that there is. there is something about headspace that all but confirms that there is "more to life than this life." that what we see is not all there is. in here, what i see, what i hear, what i feel... the absolute love between us all, that's what i bring into church, and lay on the altar, and sob for joy about. that is the heart of every prayer and song i offer. this is what leads me to God, more than anything else, because this is how he teaches me of himself. of unconditional compassion. of mercy and justice. of what it's like for someone to live and die for you and what it's like to want to do the same thing in a heartbeat. joyfully so. kissing the cross.

this innerworld is blessed. it really is. even the wars, even the struggles were seen and known by god. of course they were. we all know we could never have become who we are now, could never have become as tender-hearted as we are now, if we had not bled and wept and fought together for so long. we learned so much. we lost so much. we gained so much."

(121622)

[ghosted-jazz]

Soldier, Poet, Kings

Bonus wallpaper version with just Joel:

[prismaticlove]

This is, unquestionably, Chaos 0’s main job in the Spectrum. Looking at our history he is absolutely the most emotionally powerful, honest, and empathetic individual in the Cathedral, and if you are around him your heart will open up like an ocean whether you like it or not.

Basically: if you are suppressing or ignoring your emotions, Chaos’s influence can and will flood every dam you’ve got. He’s an inestimable and beloved blessing to us all.

Laurie has even used this fact as a weapon against any Plague influence that threatens to calcify one’s heart. Bring the blue guy into the room; he feels so much so strongly that it hits everyone like a tidal wave. I would know.

[cronchy-baguette]

Is fate something you can earn?

[bishy437]

oh, please don’t go!

i’ll eat you up i love you so!

[psyduckz]

hometown slang

[venusmage]

Davrin POV: Your worst coworker just unleashed a double blight

[pillow-boi]

🎋🎋 quality time with shizun

[skipblebee]

Sv au where everything is the same but it's like a reality tv show (the system takes interviews)

[k0mmari]

SVSSS AU doodle collection

I literally have nothing to say, it’s just two late night AU doodles I really like the idea of and one day may write something about, and fanart lol

Asshole Roommate AU by @allpiesforourown

[prismaticlove]

(111722)

"You all know the story about 8th grade... we got a Gamecube and I would carry the SA2B instruction booklet to school to look at it secretly between classes, and as I was sitting in math class one day and thinking about Chaos 0 my heart just kind of ached and the universe flipped over and I realized, "oh my gosh I'm in love," and I KNEW because I had NEVER felt that for ANYONE before but it was UNDENIABLE. Everyone use to joke that "you'll just know!" and I wondered how, because yeah I loved Bakura but I wasn't in love, I didn't feel anything like they showed in the movies or anything, and then suddenly I found myself with a fire blooming beneath my ribs because of this alien Sonic character and what do you know, they were right. Everything changed.

BUT [around that same time in my life, trauma hit hard. I] couldn't draw myself anymore and heartspace went mostly dormant... [but] I STILL spent most of my time with Chaos 0, teaching him how to talk, petting him like a Chao when he'd get anxious from all the commotion, playing my favorite music for him to hear, showing him all the cool stuff in the world that I treasured. Dude I even remember that freakin' treehouse that "my three" and I would chill out in back in elementary school still, and Marik (bless him) was trying to learn guitar because that's what cool kids do, and Bakura would be playing some game in the corner and Chaos was just... so different. The outcast, the weird guy, just like me. But we cared so much for him. We ALL were fighting our own demons too, so we understood the whole Perfection fear, in our own ways... long story short we were all in the blood and beauty together. We ALL were like that. We were drawn to the strange and creepy things-- we WERE strange and creepy things really, all of us, when you got down to it. ...I just... miss all of that. I miss the camaraderie we had, simple and small, always fighting something but always together after the smoke cleared. Honestly my absolute favorite memories of old Heartspace were WHEN we would get into awful brawls with some "demon" in my psyche OR theirs and we'd end up all covered in blood and sweat and tears by the end, collapsing into each others arms and laughing and sobbing and alive, and we LOVED each other, all of us, and it was beautiful.

We've... lost that, somewhat, in the System, lately. Life has become so externalized. I've become so self-loathing, and ashamed of that part of my heart, that RED light in me, that dreamjumper fire and imaginative courage. I was ALWAYS forming Links with other "worlds;" I was always jumping into stories like a madman just to talk to the folks who were "a little off in the head" just like me, to meet them in dreams and, maybe, bring them into mine... Still... I never fell in love, not like I did that first time. At the end of the day I'd always end up back with the blue guy. Then there was that one [night] around the time we discovered NiGHTS when CZ and I were chilling by the fireplace at the end of October and Shadow brought pink champagne and Knux was flirting with Rouge and I looked right at Chaos and I dared him, "should we show them how it's done?" and that was it. That was the first time I didn't hide it from anyone. In that ridiculously silly [room], with everyone else tipsy and laughing, I had enough cover to pull that off without being paid attention to, but... still. I was fiercely joyous. I almost wanted to show him off. I wanted to shout, "look, I'm in love, and it's amazing!" just for the bliss of it. But I didn't. I pretended to be drunk just so I'd have a plausible excuse for why I was kissing the water creature by the fireplace for an hour. I remember how nervous I was though; how my heart was racing from the gravity of what I was doing, as strange as the circumstances were. Still. It was the most honest I had been in a long time... I want to REMEMBER what that was like so we can HAVE IT AGAIN... I WANT to be so brave and honest and open and AFLAME again, like I KNOW I am, deep down."

[limonmaid]

Tealhua Bluehua Yellowhua Northern Deserthua

[mielplante]

late night talking with the king 🍂

[star-anise]

I really wonder if trauma theorists who say things like "Humans are the only animal that will be in a fright state when physically safe" or "the rest of the animal kingdom doesn't get PTSD" have ever, like

Do you think they've actually ever met an animal?