#literally i have an exam in like one week
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cheshiresense · 12 hours ago
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Ok so I've actually gotten several asks about what Starrk's relationship with Unohana/the Fourth is/was like, but I don't have time atm to get into it, but I also want to toss out some of my headcanons about it because I've thought about it a lot, so I'll just list out a few headcanons in no particular order and get back to those asks later.
- First of all, Unohana is actually super protective of Starrk, but in a way that just confuses and/or scares people. Like she’s the sort to say dead serious no joke “my lieutenant is a gentle soul, you will answer to me if you upset him” while Starrk’s murdering his way across a battlefield and his reiatsu is eating a bunch of people for lunch 😂😂
- Unohana never thought she even had any protective instincts but Starrk just brings it out in her. At her age, with her experience, she can better sense just how old he actually is, just as she can sense-smell the amount of blood on him, so she knows he's lived a long time and killed a lot of people. But she can also tell he's not like her, he doesn't enjoy that sort of thing—when he kills, it's probably either because he has no choice or because he does it out of a sense of duty to whatever it is he believes in enough to fight for. Case in point, literally no one as powerful as she knows Starrk to be would choose to enter the Fourth with an honest interest in learning even more about healing than he already does. He's patient with even the weakest unseated Shinigami, and Unohana no longer has to personally come running every time the Eleventh decides to stop by to harass her officers because Starrk is there to stonewall them at the gates. But at the same time, the grief and loneliness she can sense in his reiatsu makes her want to shed blood because it never goes away. He can coax the shyest officers out of their shells with that no-pressure-calm he's constantly radiating, and for all that he'd prefer a nap over conversation any day of the week, he's also indulgent with members of his own squad when they ask him questions about a lecture or for a spar when he has time. He's reliable and steady and everything the Fourth needs him to be, with a reserved personality and a long-suffering air about him but careful hands and an even more careful mind in everything he does. And yet, hidden beneath all that, Unohana has never met anyone so constantly, miserably tired all the time. So yes, in her opinion, Starrk is a gentle, even fragile soul. She doesn't know - yet - what broke him so badly, but he's also hers now—she chose him, and he chose her, and she doesn't think she's imagining the way the Fourth feels stronger and stabler with his presence, with the easy way he shoulders the weight of a division right alongside her, with how their subordinates walk around with more confidence too in response to having two monsters watching over them now. For his competence as her second-in-command alone, she would've shielded him from anyone who upset him. But for the way he follows her around, genuinely eager to learn; for the way he sits with the younger officers and answers their questions and shows them new Kidou spells and treats them to snacks and protects them on missions; for the way he can stare down her Bankai without flinching and only grumble afterwards about how he deserves a week of sleep for such a hard spar but never even bat an eye when she reaches out to heal him with the very hands that had done their level best to rip him apart for several hours only minutes earlier; for the way he can give back just as good as he gets and allows her the chance to let herself off her own self-made leash every few weeks without having to hold back—for all of that and more, she would challenge anyone who dares try and force him to draw his blade against his will or break him any further than he already has been.
- I headcanon that for students who want to enter the Fourth, they have to take a separate written exam before they graduate. Results aren't great because there isn't actually much of a medical track at the Academy, plus it's generally considered uncool to end up at the Fourth, so there aren't many who would even take the exam, and of those who do, most can't even finish the entire thing, and minimum pass percentage is probably something like 50% lmao. At this point, it's less an exam and more an assessment of where the student is at so the Fourth's seated officers can sort the newcomers more easily when they have to start them on the basics. Then along comes Starrk who not only finishes the entire exam but also gets everything right, and it catches Unohana's attention enough to get her to make the trip to the Academy to speak to Starrk herself just to find out more, and the more she finds out, the more she thinks she'll finally be able to name a lieutenant with the kind of standards she's always wanted to be able to measure them by. At the end of the impromptu interview, she asks one more question—she asks him if he'd be willing to take one more test and become her official student. The lieutenant seat is his either way, but she's never had a personal student before. She won't be teaching him from scratch, which is a shame—someone with potential and a learning curve like Starrk's should've been scooped up long ago. But there's also more than just medical Kidou and surgical procedures she can pass on to him, and he may be a gentle soul, but he's a gentle soul with something he fiercely wants to protect, and that means there are other things she can teach him. He says yes, and that day, on the day they meet for the first time in any timeline, in a training room deep beneath the Academy, all seals activated for both privacy and containment, and even then they'd barely held—Unohana unseals her Bankai for the first time in centuries, and Starrk weathers every blow with the unyielding bedrock found beneath mountains and deserts and canyons and oceans, timeworn but timeless and enduring all the same. In the aftermath, both of them bleeding from multiple wounds with a good chunk of their reiatsu depleted, she thinks, yes, this one will be mine. He is strong enough to stand with me, tempered enough to be unafraid of me, old enough to have experienced the worst the world can offer, and wise enough to accept and bear it. And yet he remains... soft, at heart. Kind, in a way I do not fully understand, but it is precious nonetheless. It is something that should be protected. He is someone I can protect, so he will be mine.
- She'd prob also be like "let's get this signed and sealed before the old coot catches wind of another dual-wielding Shinigami and thinks he has first dibs just because he got the other two" 😂
- She would 1000% give Shunsui a shovel talk. It's probably the most terrifying shovel talk anyone has ever received in living memory ganbaa shunsui be brave you can do it.
- As for Starrk, he adores the fuck out of Unohana. But he’s also constantly baffled by how she kind of mothers him sometimes, in really off-putting ways (to others) but he doesn't realize that. Like the first time he goes out on a not-a-date with Shunsui, Unohana will be like "I wrote a dissertation called 101 Ways to Sterilize a Man, please read it over, I require urgent feedback" all while staring gloomy-eyed straight at a sweating Shunsui from behind Starrk's back because she'd watched this brat grow up, so she knows his skirt-chasing tendencies better than most, knows the way he likes beautiful people, likes flirting with them and charming them, likes the novelty of a new relationship and the thrill of the chase, and so she also knows the way it always ends with broken hearts but hardly ever his own. At most, he'll pout for a few days or a few weeks and mope and whine to Ukitake, and then he'll move on. He's always earnest and genuine in the moment, treats his lovers with all the respect and affection in the world when they're together, but he bores easily, and for all that he plays a good game of being open and friendly and approachable, Unohana has rarely met anyone more guarded when it comes to matters of the heart than Kyouraku Shunsui. He'd grown out of genuinely pursuing people in more recent decades, goes through the motions but no longer seems very interested in romance or even short dalliances, mostly only flirts these days with his long-time female acquaintances who all know better, but it would be easy for him to fall back into old habits. If he dares to be as careless with Starrk's heart as he'd been with previous lovers, Unohana won't stop until the Eighth Division will require a new captain.
- Starrk totally calls Unohana Shishou-san eventually. He has a thing for nicknames. Shunsui is of course Taichou-san. Shiina is Sensei-san. Unohana is Shishou-san. One person per category. It's an odd quirk of his.
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itsallmouthwashing · 2 days ago
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Band AU bullet points / slight timeline of events
This IS an AU, and they’re MY barbies I can make them kiss when I WANT /silly
Here are general bullet points for the Band AU with a slight timeline of events. Reblogs are so appreciated :)
If I write out a scene that's here I'll link the post and reblog this post as a sort of master list? Maybe? I'll figure it out. Also here's the playlist for the AU :)
Cw: mentions of parent death, implied neglect, drug abuse, assault, ooc characters
A little context---
Band Name: Tulpar
Record Label: Pony Express Records
Genre: Rock and Metal 
Canon divergence note: Anya does get assaulted, but by her boyfriend instead of Jimmy. I don’t really have a character set up for the boyfriend yet, but I wanted to keep that as an element of her story 
Curly on guitar and vocals, Jimmy on guitar and scream vocals, Anya on bass and fills for drums, Daisuke on drums and synth/keyboard, fills for bass sometimes when he’s feeling confident and Anya wants to switch it up
Swansea is their manager right before they go pro and remains their manager when they sign with P.E Records! He is the one the band has to impress with their new songs. If he doesn’t like it, it doesn't get used 
Curly and Jimmy formed Tulpar in their junior year of high school. Originally it was going to remain the two of them(Curly was learning drums), but the two clicked with Anya and Daisuke almost immediately during senior year (they were both transfer students). 
It for sure took convincing for Jimmy to let them join the band. He made them ‘prove’ they were ‘worthy of finding a place in their art’
They totally fucking blew him away (Curly was a little smug about it after Jimmy conceded.)
Jimmy does bond with Dai and Anya over the years
Dai is the one to propose they go pro. His parents have lots of connections in Hollywood and production, so it’d be easy to find someone willing to listen to them and give them a chance on the billboards
Jimmy gets a little pissy about this (he’s huge into actually working for things in life and hates the idea of using connections to get his success) and storms off without saying anything (normally he’d be dragged out of the room screaming. He’s been working on his temper since senior year. Curly literally slapped it into him that the world isn't highschool and he needs to change the way he acts around people if he wants to retain friendships)
But Jimmy’s mom dies. His dad can't take the grief and follows her into the afterlife. Jimmy breaks down and he’s lashing out at every turn
The rest of the crew take it for months and months, with Curly explaining that Jimmy's really going through a lot and should be patient. He would talk to him later if he hasn't calmed down in a few days
But it just gets worse over the days 
Jimmy is constantly putting down the rest of his bandmates but mostly targets Anya as she is the most insecure of the group and finds it easier to spit poison at
One day she visits Curly to discuss this (Salt and Mouthwash scene here)
Jimmy ends up apologizing but it takes time for things to return to normal for all of them
Dai brings in Swansea, a music critic for them to workshop songs with
He goes full manager mode, disapproving of songs the crew thought for sure he’d love and approving ones they were really on the fence about
Insert training montage here
Swansea eventually brings them in front of P.E Records execs
After a brutal five week waiting period, Tulpar officially signs with Pony Express records
To celebrate, the crew goes out clubbing. Anya hooks up with a girl for the first time. Lesbain shenanigans ensue in the bathroom. Jimmy and Curly get a little too drunk. Daisuke pukes outside of the car (and tries really hard to not puke inside the car. He fails.) 
Sleepover at Curly’s house (they all forgot they had exams in the morning and Curly’s house is right next to the campus.) Jimmy gets flirty and lonely when he’s drunk and through the heightened emotional states of it all, he goes in for a kiss
Daisuke stumbles into Curly’s room thinking it’s the bathroom. Almost pukes on the carpet like an ill cat. 
They startle apart and when Curly comes back from leading Dai to the bathroom Jimmy is already asleep (he’s a little faker- he’s just embarrassed)
Exams go like shit the next morning and everyone is too stressed to go back out and get their cars so it’s a week-long study session at Curly’s while everyone crams
Song writing breaks that become too frequent. Swansea suddenly appears to oversee the studying (Dai’s parents sent him over to check on him, but he finds a reason to stay and supervise. Writing breaks become nonexistent) and he actually helps everyone with studying. He’s the one to propose flash cards and Anya hs to scream into a pillow because why didn't she think of that sooner? Then again when she realizes She did, but her flashcards were in her car. Which was at the bar. Which was an hour away because they’re all idiots. 
Swansea and Curly get her car for her and convince her to take a break from her own material while they’re out (Dai just asks her to help him with studying.)
Jimmy like a fucking DOG keeps himself from begging to go with them, but Swansea says “I’ve known how to drive longer than your daddy’s been shooting into socks. Anya’s car will be safe with me, kiddo,” and pushes Curly out the door lmao
On the way, Swans and Curly have a little heart-to-heart and Swans reveals he’s been family friends with Dai’s parents for years and they’re actually large shareholders of the record company. 
Curly doesn't care, not really, but he feels his stomach drop and his heart drown in fire. Jimmy could never find out about this. He can hardly keep the radio on during his solo drive back
When they arrive back at Curly’s, Dai and Anya are passed out on the couch while Jimmy sits wide awake at the dining-room table. Swansea sees no reason to stick around (“I went to the club for the first time in twenty years, Grant. I need to get home and sleep it off.”) and dips. 
Exams go a little better, but on the last day Anya gets pulled over on her shame-stop to Burger King. She has a panic attack during the stop and it gives her the idea to write HAMMS IN A GLASS. She’s caught humming it and tapping on the coffee table one day while Swansea is over discussing logistics or whatever with Curly. He full stops their conversation, tells Anya to polish it and have it to him by the end of the week (“Motherfucker I might not have a degree if I think about anything other than my tests and where the fucking rotator cuffs are, PLEASE”), and then LEAVES (“Guess I’ll find what our budget will be after you’re finished…”)
She tries to workshop it with Dai between classes (he’s in an engineering course, but their buildings are pretty close together)(Ive only taken online college classes please) but Dai is becoming increasingly unavailable. She turns to her boyfriend. The night they work on it, he gives her a drink to help her relax from all the stress she’s been under
But he takes advantage of her that night. When she realizes what he’s done she flees to Curly’s house. Her boyfriend follows her, accusing her of cheating when she gets to the door and Curly is there to catch her. 
Curly tries hard to deescalate the situation, but when Jimmy catches wind of what’s happening at the door he makes his appearance (anya had no idea why he was there (gay reasons) but grateful for the surprise help). Jimmy punches his FUCKING lights out (“I didnt do it for you, Anya. That guy was pissing me off. So I took care of it… Now he won’t mess with either of us, alright?”). Everyone thinks it’s a little hot, even the guy getting punched (hey, everyones having a gay awakening this evening, huh?)
Anya stays the night, thwarting Jimmy’s plans to dick Curly down sexual style at last. 
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fallenisded · 1 day ago
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Baby, it’s cold outside…
Pairing: Sunarin x an absolutely downbad (writer) barista!reader <3
a/n: what is up chat, its been two years since i last posted a little something. Im going through it.. 🫠 And tumblr sunarinxreader tag is lacking right now,,, so here’s a little something while an exam thats going to determine my future is literally just a week away :3
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The soft chime of the bell that hung above the door signals the departure of the last customer of the warm, coffee scented cafe. You stood behind the counter and thanked the stars internally. That guy has been sitting in the corner for hours since he first came, thank god he finished whatever he has going on with him.
“Oh, he finally left huh?” The Manager came out of his little camping spot and chuckled softly when he saw his only still checked barista deflated at the same spot they stood at, completely drained from acting all cheery for service. “You betcha he left. If not, I would have forced him out myself by blasting Mariah Carey obnoxiously.”
Right after saying that, it came back as quickly to bite your ass. A tall lanky guy entered the cafe, with that stupid jingle of a chime that you’ve heard more that you can count on for the entire day today. Looks like the poor barista really needed to blast Mariah Carey now. You really looked like you wanted to choke the living daylights out of..oh wait..why is he kinda…
“Hi, sorry. This place isn’t closing anytime soon right?” Well, technically no, because they would close at 10. Now let’s take a look at the time, oh! It’s 9:48. Yeah, totally. Just when they were going to open your mouth to answer the gorgeously handsome, jaw dropping man that seemingly just came out of a romance shoujo, the manager cut you off by a second. “Don’t worry, we can still serve one last customer,” What the fuck.
“Thanks, can I have a mint macchiato? Hot,” A mint macchiato. At 9:48 at night. On Christmas Eve. Just who is this man? The manager immediately enters in the order without even a slight hesitation. “And to who?” You could practically see yourself banging your head onto the coffee machine. Is this really a good idea, Mr Manager??
“Suna,” Okay nevermind. Not only is his appearance an eye candy, even his name sounds hot. “Alright, our lovely barista here will call out to you when they’re done with your drink,” the receipt machine prints out the paper slip after this greek carved Suna taps his card onto the card reader. You glared at the manager when he mentioned you, muttering curses underneath your breath as you positioned yourself at the coffee machine to make the espresso. 
The familiar aroma of the espresso beans filled your senses as you grumpily clicked the filter onto the machine, letting it brew. You got out the proper cup and drizzled it in peppermint syrup. Getting out the milk from the fridge to make the foam, you noticed Suna was watching your every movement over the little glass panel that separated the two of you. Most of the time, this would be called creepy. But when it’s him, it’s strangely flustering. Could you imagine a drop dead gorgeous guy is just watching over you as you make his drink? There’s just something so intimate and domestic about it.
“S-Suna,” You stuttered out after assembling the drink. The flustering got to you. After this, you are going to clock out and this embarrassing act of yours is going to haunt you until the next day of Christmas. Suna’s cold fingers accidentally grazed onto yours when he went to get his MINT MACCHIATO, letting you get goosebumps everywhere. He’s abnormally cold. Must’ve been outside. Who are we kidding, of course it’s outside. “Thanks,” And he seemed to catch their stutter with that disgustingly dreamy smirk of his. He brings the cup to his slightly chapped lips to take a sip, satisfied with the taste, he lets out a sigh that looks like it was kept inside for too long. 
Instead of moving to sit at one of the many comfortable seats that’s prepared for the participants, he just stood there, leaning on the self-collecting counter like he’s taking a photo for a modelling agency. The manager was long forgotten about as these two just stood there in silence while Suna enjoyed his drink. 
For the barista, it felt awkward to watch a man they found so attractive drinking the drink they made.
For Suna Rintarou? He liked watching the expressions and how awkward they can get even though they were grumpy while prepping his drink for him. He found it adoring.
He didn’t know what made him rush into the cafe. But what he does know is how much this barista attracted him when he saw them all deflated on the counter when he stood outside the cafe, on his phone with an annoying twin on the other line. With snow landing in his fluffy brown hair and on the shoulder’s of his coat.
“Tsumu, I’ll call you back later. This person is pretty cute,” That was all he said before hanging up.
“Sorry if I stopped you from going back home. I know it’s Christmas Eve and all.”
“Huh?”
Suna turned around to face you properly, he locked eyes with you, making your breath hitch. Holy fuck, his eyes are so beautiful.
“Excuse me?” HIs voice dragged them out of your own head. Wait, why does his face seem a little more flushed than before?
“You just called me beautiful..?” He chuckled softly. This time, it was your turn to feel your cheeks get warmer. Ding, you just said your thoughts out loud. You just dug your own little grave of embarrassment. “Oh my god.”
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a/n: WOOOOOOO I FINISHED TYPING THIS IN AN HOUR GRWAWWWWWWW
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mindfulstudyquest · 8 months ago
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the day i get rid of my crazy fear of failure and my procrastination, it will be over for you all.
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stargirl230 · 11 days ago
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moonlighting 🌚✨
i’m so rusty from not drawing for a whole semester (sobs) but its ok now because kaito's here
(no reposts; reblogs appreciated!)
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fanfic-gremlin-ft-trauma · 8 months ago
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If you have any zukka doodles you haven't posted, can we see them?
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hiiii omg sorry for taking six business years to answer but here you go!!!
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moeblob · 10 months ago
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I am really tired of a situation rn.
#fe three houses#felix hugo fraldarius#me using felix on my angy days because he is my angersona? you bet!#anyway if you want to try to get someones money or something bc you hurt your own car banging into mine#can you try to be a bit more timely with it buddy come on you hit me on feb29 !#why am i getting your insurance company calling me today !#also i would like to point out i didnt do it and neither of us were hurt and i filed a claim with my own insurance comp#and also filed a police report bc he didnt even suggest calling the cops to the scene#so like yeah hey man maybe you and your insurance company can move a lil faster or smth#literally everything that happened the day of is - according to my dad - an intimidation tactic#i look like im 15 and he probably thinks he can take advantage of a new driver but ya know! tough luck!#im just really tired and stressed over multiple things not negative so getting this on top of it was like#bro .................... anyway my phone didnt pick up for some reason so i called back and then nothing got resolved#cause the person who actually called me wasnt around to connect the line to from the guy who answered#idk man just its a lot despite my v minimal energy#got a job interview on monday tho ! and then also next week is an eye exam#and you might be thinking isnt that a good thing to get your eyes checked? you are correct but i am horrified#there are two body parts that give me absolute anxiety and eyes are one of them#and i know my eye sight is declining and im just v anxious#its fine im going to be fine i just have to be anxious about it
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steelthroat · 4 months ago
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First time staying at the hotel of a theme park (against my will, but that's a long story) and... it's so weird??????
Like I feel like I am not supposed to be here, how do I put it... it screams luxury but I a... childlike/childish way????
And I feel restless, like something is wrong. Uncanny.
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redyarns · 20 days ago
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snippet (undertow, ch. 6)
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IM TIRED OF THIS GRANDPA
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averlym · 1 year ago
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miscellany (again),, tags in the last image by @pyrotechnicarus
#adamandi#vincent aurelius lin#quincy cynthius martin#ambrose wellington bassford#portia elizabeth harper#beatrix valeria campbell#bit of nonsense bit of sillies (ohhh she thinks she's so funny huh.. anyways the brainrot. out out out)#please don't ask me about them take them at face value laugh and move on or smth i keep worrying i've read them Wrong#these have been living in my head rent free for a week and i'm now evicting them politely#anyway i drew all these as scribbles in my sketchbook in-between exam week and today i wanted them out of my head. so digital it is#i've spent two hours on this haha as a. would you even guess. a break from the beatrix thingy i've been planning because that one's rendery#quiet little notes on this... um.. i have started drawing quincy (idk how!!!)#yknow after the last ambrose literal study. i'm kind of mad about the fact that doing an unintentional study Worked???#like. he's the ONE character i have a grasp of how to draw. everyone else is 'randomly whack until you get the vibes and vague structural#integrity'. can we talk about shape language real quick though because ambrose is oval beatrix is circle quincy is rectangle#vincent is square and portia is triangle. that's how it is in my head.#texture wise. vincent is charcoal and graphite. ambrose is traditional painting blended. beatrix is crosshatching and ink.#quincy is like... marker? and watercolour. portia is digital and cell shading. i can't explain any of the correlations they just Are#for the. oddly detailed quincent i Wasn't intending to draw i had to pull up the musical and re-reference them. could draw one then not the#other?? so i struggled with quincy until i Got them and then i couldn't for the life of me get vincent right.... is it something about like#drawing one character at a time? like there's only room in my mind to understand one set of proportions at any given moment???#a fun little fact was just that i began photo refs as always from hahnji jang's page (which has been? saved in my search autofill now??) an#i didn't even have to get a specific image of quincy being in angst. but for smiling vincent i had to purposefully find oh ms reporter#well! consider this yet another part in the trying to figure out how everyone looks like/vibes as/gets drawn as Characters#a secret little code i keep for the stuff i make now is that i need to have something about the drawn medium that makes it unique to itself#as like opposed to a gif or screenshot or photoedit. it has to have extra meaning. and this appears two ways: one is through Implications i#the more Finished stuff. (aka poster series?) and the other one is by engaging in Ideas (generally posts. or memes/incorrect quotes/etc.)#had a really really interesting convo with a friend irl about fanart and fandoms. they were really active for genshin and stuff and so the#experiences between large and small fandoms were fascinating to compare.. i think i prefer the .. intimacy(?) of just doing what i obsess#over instead of looking for the statistics and clout and notes now. the art i make feels more meaningful and intentional that way.
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honeydots · 1 year ago
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i know im late but xanlow pocky doodle was a must....
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butchnavi · 17 days ago
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forced myself to wake up and leave my warm cozy blanky at 3:30 am in the winter to speedrun my syllabus because they gave us 12 hours to prep for our endsem are yall proud of me
#not to mention ive baaaaarely gotten sleep the past few nights because its been back 2 back exams every day#forget afternoon naps i havent even been getting more than 4 hours at NIGHT#and i am a bitch that values sleep above all else#and i got no time to prep the syllabus beforehand because of all our never ending fucking assignments#including yk. the full fledged GAME they made us code from scratch in 3 weeks without teaching us anyyy of the required tools or languages#literally speedran an entire math course with everything from number theory and graph theory to fucking induction and combinatorics#in like. 4 hours and gave my endsem NOT EVEN 12 HOURS BACK AND IT WAS 50% OF OUR FUCKING GRADE#and now i have to do it againnn for the third exam in a row at 9:30 in the fucking morning#which btw i realized LAST NIGHT. because our datesheet said the exam was at 2:30 but theyre doing it in batches#so i dont even have the morning to revise and need to pull this shit#AND THEN EVEN FOR THE COURSES WHERE I SOMEHOW COVER THE ENTIRE SYLLABUS THOROUGHLY THEY WILL GIVE THE MOST OUT OF POCKET BULLSHIT#THAT YOUVE NEVER HEARD OF IN YOUR LIFE#and after THIS exam i have to speedrun linear algebra and teach it to a bunch of kids by tomorrow morning#granted that one is on me because i couldve said no but ugh#college hateposting#in other news my ex crush wore a suit yesterday and she looked so hot she almost made me relapse into lesbianism#but i digresssssss#x am rambles#man ive missed ranting about shit on tumblr i should come back here more often
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whyoneartheven · 2 months ago
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suddenly I have realized my bad habit of procrastinating has become a nearly debilitating fear
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months ago
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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wuxian-vs-wangji · 6 months ago
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Yeah... I remember seeing the architectural design majors at my uni having this breakdown each semester...
#love in the air#lita#rain#scriptwriting was the only course within my major famous for making people openly cry#because the professor would eviscerate you with her feedback#not to be mean; but she would look at the feedback you'd already been given by your classmates over and over throughout the course#and if you still hadn't fixed issues she'd really stab into them and rip you apart#she liked me though- i followed the syllabus due dates and no one else did#meaning day 1 i already had a treatment ready by the first class#and even though she told me the syllabus schedule didn't need to be followed; i chose to follow it#because it kept me a week ahead or so#So when I finished each 200+ page draft of my script I was finishing it a week early#which let me focus on other exams in other classes and manage my workload more easily#the only time scriptwriting made me cry was when i spent 6 hours typing draft 6 of a 214 page feature and my computer crashed#erased the whole thing#i'd been typing up the script based on hand notes i'd written on my previous draft so it was easy to recreate#but redoing it took 8 hours since my hands were so tired#but that wasn't the classes fault; that was my fault#i did really well in the class; you just can't take feedback personally and a lot of writers really struggle with that#i've lost so many friends because they claim to be writers who take feedback seriously#and then it turns out they're little bitches about it and throw tantrums after begging me to give them feedback#so now I will not give a friend feedback on anything they write#for the record- the way i was trained is not to be cruel or mean#you literally just go through it like 'here is what I had issues with as a viewer and here are some ideas on how to easily fix that'#always offer a solution#and for every complaint you have to give a complementt#so i'm not out there like gordon ramsey ripping into people; it's very gentle and kind#except when i gave M her round 6 feedback on her script and she STILL insisted Mt Everest was 3 billion years old in her story#AT EVERY STAGE OF THIS SCRIPT I REMINDED YOU IT IS AROUND 30 MILLION YEARS OLD GET IT THROUGH YOUR-#Watch
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loafbud · 1 year ago
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Just took my first biology exam and got a pretty decent score of an F! 🎉🎉🎉
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