#u know im writing this when i have an exam tmrw?

[redyarns]

snippet (undertow, ch. 6)

IM TIRED OF THIS GRANDPA

[staryuee]

tldr: on an indefinite hiatus, feel free to send requests as i’ll pop in and out of the account to write something :D

i really would like to thank all of you that have ever read, commented, reblogged one of my works — writing has always been a form of escapism and happiness for me especially when i get to talk about my little blorbos.

i’ll keep it brief because i have to revise for my psychology and english lit. exam tmrw lol but, i really can’t imagine myself continuing to write for genshin (at least willingly and with the same effort and joy i used to have) :(

i’m either going to go on an indefinite hiatus, or quit permanently (unlikely, i still love to yap too much lmao) but for now, there will be no more uploads from me (;_;) since i appreciate you guys a lot and know my writing has been some form of comfort for people, i’ll be opening up my requests :D

i’m sorry if this seems sudden or upsetting but i don’t want to disappoint people with my shitty little upload schedule any longer :p

i don’t think i ever even mentioned this but i also have an art account so if u miss me u can come suffer with me in another artistic way: @amosprinz :3

if you’re wondering what i’ve been doing. it’s this. + revision for my a lvls lol …help…im suffering….

[thepinkpetalpages]

Jan 07/2025

studying is a fucking scam and so is school. bro i was wayyy to close to fliping the table in my chem class cause how tf i stududid for 3 days, DAYS. i normally do it the day of and i reviwed in class before the test started and somehow got a 68..... im in early collage/honors so i really cant be cought lacking like that not to mention its a unit exam and i need minimum a 85 in all classes to stay in the program. 2025 is not my year beacuse we only 7 days into this bullshit and the universe thinks its funny to play with me like this. WHEN I FUCKING CATCH WHOS PRAYING ON MY DOWNFALL trust they will be fuckig delt with. broooooo i was on instagram and i see one of my mutes post that a girl commited sewerslide over one of the nyc expose acounts like damn idk if its completyly true but still like damn i feel bad for her cause she prolly got flamed in 30 diffrent ways. so now all those nyc expose accounts are under invetigation. shit glad i never got posted. tdy i found out i have to write a essay for english and then a essay for history im not to happy about it tho cause like i have a life i fear...but my teachers said its mandatory (i call bullshit) so ig i have to. i got 2 test (geomtry and italian) pushed back (AYEEE) only pushed back until friday but still ill take anything. i have some geomtry hw also due friday but i looked at it and it looks like sum calm shit so im not worried. somebody told me tdy i have a cibaeno accent when i speak spanish (im from ciabo a region in the dominican republic) and i looked at them and asked are you stupid because not only am i dominican, IM FROM CIABO. its like the older they get the dummer they get cant wait to graduate man. my friend texted me in the middle of the day lemme get ur softball bat like girl we are in class why are u thinking about softball.... istg all she thinks is softball to her its air. she js texted me to with sum attitude like exuse me miss who tf u feeling like. ngl this moringing i realized how much strength i actually have bc i pushed my friend after she said "noooo ima stand" so i pushed in a joking way for the attidute and she went FLYINGGGG i felt bad but then she got her lick back and pushed me back and stole my seat. lowkey deserved it but still i didnt know i could actually send a person flyingggg, all my other friends were scared. i got home and took a fat nap then i had to get up to pick up my sister (thank god the daycare in my building its dummy brick to be going back outside) i was not to glad cause i had to get out of my warm bed like why cant she js walk herself shes 4 she can do it. my nephew goes to that same daycare so i saw him and broski was js munching on his hand. babies weird man but hes so cute and he smells clean idk why but he does. tdy i had fun flamming his dad because his dad didnt have a coat so he was freezing like ho its littlry 15 outside wear a coat its not summer. and i told my sister "man i should let his ass freaze" and then started saying "ho u think u frosty or sum" and "like the cold never botherd me anywayyy" my sistser found it funny so i screenshoted it and uploaded it to my insta cause no why do ppl see its 15 and windy and think they dont need a coat. ur not gaining any cool points for it... anyway on a good note i have sum good ass pepsi which is my fave and it was litterly so crispy cant wait to get one tmrw. i do have one question tho do ya understand me when i use nyc slang??

xoxo,

the pink petal

[bo0zey]

my friend who doesn’t have adhd and just wants an adderall perscription: i definitely have adhd like i never pay attention and i’m such a procrastinator omg lol btw i’m at the library studying and doing homework that’s not due until 3 days ugh what are you doing have you started studying yet we have those worksheets due tomorrow remember and it’s already 6pm! omg what do u mean u haven’t started the paper yet it’s literally due in 3 hrs omg no it’s ok i’ll just send u mine bc i’ve been working on it all day haha and omg i’m trying to pay attention to the lecture can u stop talking to me why r u reading online manga in class the exam is in 2 days pay attention! also i need caffeine to stay awake i love monster energy drinks they work so well i won’t be able to sleep tonight oh no also i took adderall 3hrs ago and now i’m super anxious but it’s not the adderall lol ugh i won’t be able to sleep tonjght ughh

me, someone who actually has adhd, pre-diagnosis: studying is so hard and i don’t want to do it and i literally can’t until hours before the exam and by then i’m so exhausted bc it’s like 3am but if i drink coffee or monster or bang i just get sleepier also i procrastinate entire research papers including the research hours before the due date even tho i knew abt the paper for a month and i wrote it in my assignment notebook every day knowing i needed to do it and i drink coffee before bed bc it relaxes me n makes me sleepy im constantly moving and shifting in my seat in class and i got paid 4 hrs ago and bought $500 worth of amazon products and now i don’t have any money for groceries for the next 2 weeks my thoughts go so fast and they’re so loud i can’t follow a conversation let alone a class lecture paying attention to anything i don’t care abt but am supposed to is impossible if i don’t write everything i need to do down i will forget about it and if i put my keys or vape or anything somewhere besides it’s designated spot for 1 minute i will literally forget where it is and if something isn’t directly in my line of sight i will forget i have it so i have to place everything in my line of sight for me to remember to use it and ok i’m at work i have a 14hr shift and a set of tasks i need to complete omg i’m so overwhelmed and frazzled i write down the list of tasks every shift and check off boxes to remember to do things but even then i still fall behind and why am i overwhelmed i know what i have to do please don’t ask me to do that thing i’m already trying to remember to do one thing ahhh ok i’m so exhausted it’s 12am and everyone’s asleep i have 3hrs left of my shift omg i’m so bored and tired ok i will have coffee and an energy drink to wake up bc i don’t wanna fall asleep here and i have an hour drive back home and oh wow i am now driving on the way and dozing off i am so sleepy sleepy sleepy why can’t i stay i awake i had 300mg of caffeine like 2hrs ago i’m going to crash the car why isn’t this energy drink working and hmm ok it’s now monday night i have school tmrw it’s 11pm i guess i’ll try n sleep i have class at 9am oh wait what is this sudden wakefulness i feel i am very awake i think i will maybe try to do homework to get tired actually no i think i will go on the internet instead hmm look at those cool show i think i will watch it ugh ok that was the longest 30min of my life i will not be able to watch another episode for at least 2 days probably oh it’s 3am i need to sleep but i can’t shut my brain off ugh oh no this sucks i hate myself why can’t i just get my shit together i know what i have to do but i just can’t fucking do it it’s so frustrating i’m trying so hard but i keep self sabotaging why why why

me, after being diagnosed w adhd and starting medication: wow for the first time in 8 years i’m actually paying attention in class and actively following what my professor is saying. i think i will do some homework now so i am not overwhelmed later. uh oh my dishes are starting to stack up i think i will clean them instead of starting a new pile. hmm my room is getting a little messy i think i will put things away including the clean clothes on that chair i’d been avoiding putting away for a week. i am following our conversation and i will wait until you are finished until it is my turn to speak instead of blurting out or interrupting you. oh i just got paid! hmm do i really need all of that online shopping stuff..? i think i will wait for a little bit and come back to it if i rlly want it bc what if something happens during the week and i need money to pay for it? oh i have to go to work it’s a 14hr shift; i am able to complete the tasks i need to do with ease bc i know what to do and when to do them and am no longer overwhelmed. i don’t need to drink that energy drink bc i know it will just make me more sleepy and i’ll doze off at the wheel on the highway and i don’t want that! ok i’m home yawn i think i will try n go to sleep it’s 11pm and i am genuinely tired.

[channoticedmeuwu]

So, idk if this is still ok but i saw your post about "if anyone anon or not needs a space to vent they can"

I just need to get a few things off my chest and idk who else to tell so im telling a stranger. Sorry for that bestie.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, SH

You don't gotta keep reading if those make you uncomfortable i just gotta let it out bc i feel like I'll explode if i don't

So, idk if you know the whole "intentionally going numb/ turning off emotions" thing but i basically did that a month or so ago. And now i don't wanna go back to feeling bc i know i will just break down bc everything is too much and the fact that i don't have any real problems just makes everything worse. Like i know i don't have the fucking right to want to k word myself bc i don't have it nearly as bad as other people but that doesn't make me suddenly wanna live?

I have great friends, mostly supportive parents (although their parenting is questionable) im white, live in a wealthy country am abled and never faced "hard" discrimination based on my sexual orientation.

However, everything just seems pointless?

I had ⅓ graduation exams today and the next one which is math is tomorrow and i just straight up did not study bc i didn't see the point. My dad bought me an expensive car although i don't have a driver's license yet (i guess as motivation). And idk why anything would matter. Im turning 18 in a few days and the only good thing im seeing is that im gonna be able to buy my own alcohol.

Earlier i came to the conclusion that tomorrow would be a great day to k word myself and usually i just brush that stuff off but rn it genuinely seems like a pretty good solution. I only haven't done it yet bc i think about my friends and how traumatized they'd be but i was such an asshole today. Im pretty sure one of them (ironically my favorite one) hates me by now bc of all the emotional damage ive caused. They didn't even bother adding anything to the bs i said.

Funnily enough another friend told me i was obsessed with them^ bc i had/have a longass unrequited crush and ngl now that she said it i get what she meant. I am obsessed. Im a piece of shit lol. For constantly treating the people around me like toys. "meh they'll still be here when i play with the other one" no they fucking won't dumbass. I try my best to remind them that i care but the last few times it just sounded so wrong. Like i was forcing them to stay my friends. Like they would leave in a heartbeat if i didn't constantly manipulate them. Funfact my brain is like "you're saying bs rn" which is weird considering it usually likes it when i minimize my problems and make it sound like im being an asshole to everyone even though i just have a bad day.

Idk man. I told my therapist i think i might have adhd and he was like "i don't think you do" Granted he probs thinks im a teenager who's overreacting. Like the last one lol. That lady was smth else lmao. Telling me everything i felt was normal. Uh ma'am sorry but i don't think constantly blaming yourself for everything that literally doesn't have anything to do with you and having a voice in your head that tells you to kword yourself 24/7 is not normal but go off karen.

Anyway a friend messaged the gc earlier asking what we wanna do tmrw night and my first thought was "idk bout u but i hope im dead by then"

My mom's not home anyway so she won't "save me".

Just gotta figure out how and where and write a bunch of letters.

Bc the least i can do is give people a last goodbye. Yk bc i think as bad as it is, if im leaving i could at least give them smth to remember me by. A few words saying im grateful and i know they did their best but they couldn't have stopped me.

Maybe adding some hearts so they remember me as that bubbly caring friend i always tried to be.

Sorry for putting this on you stranger. I just didn't want to tell someone else.

If you've read this far thank you.

I'll try my best to stay alive. Maybe things will get better eventually.

Sorry again.

hey there buddy :'] I just wanna say a few things in response too! I hope I don't step over any personal boundaries, but I'm really worried and I can't bear to see this and not say anything. So under the cut, is just a few words I wanted to say :]

You don't have to read at all if you don't want to <3

[tw : mentions of suicide, bad mental state, negativity ]

I'm really glad you came to me and saw that post. I'm so happy you did, and tbfh I'm really proud of you for doing so. I would never have the guts to do it, and I think you're really brave for it.

I see that you're struggling a lot, and although it might sound strange coming out of a stranger, I really do appreciate you here. I know I can't do much rather than just offer presence on a website, but I really believe in you.

It's sad to know that people have to go through alot recently. I'm sorry you were faced with that. It must be very tough, and I really just want to give you a big hug </3

another thing I wanted to add : I am a person of color, and I just want to say that just because the world and alot of pocs are facing serious issues that people deem as "something to actually be depressed about", you should never compare your personal issues to that. Yes, sure, the world is suffering, yes, sure, everyone is facing problems, and yes, of course, some problems may hurt more than others do. That does not mean yours are invalid. I don't believe anyone needs a "reason" to be depressed. It's not a voluntary action, you can't control those feelings. Please, trust me, do not feel bad. Someone, a very close friend of mine, told me this while we were alone together. I'm glad she did, because it made me feel better at that time. And I'm passing on the message because it's true. No matter your sexuality, your race, your financial status, your gender identity; your issues at valid. Your problems are valid. You have every right to be upset, and you shouldn't invalidate yourself like that.

I'm sorry that you have to go through so much to go to be willing to do the k-thing. Al though I can't say much, I would love for you to stay. You would always have a welcoming place in my blog, and you'd always be appreciated here. I'm so sorry for everything happening, and I'm so sorry for not being able to do anything more. I don't know if you want to hear this, but I love you. I love you alot, very much, and it hurts me too, to see you like this.

Please, if you ever want to stay, if you ever want to chat, if you ever need a leaning shoulder or a listening ear, please, reach out to me. My dms are always open, my inbox is always open. If I don't reply, it's because I'm asleep.

Again, I'm glad you were brave enough to share this, and I'm glad that you're still here. I really appreciate you, my inbox and dms are ALWAYS open, please, drop by and say something whenever you feel like it.

Thanks for this message anon, I love you <3

My heart reaches out to you. I'll always be here. I meant what I said.

[wannasoftimagine]

imagine park woojin as your classmate

project partners to dating partners :’)

(( AS REQUESTED // omg since ure a woojin stan can i get a request where y/n and woojin study in the same course after his wanna one activities (before he debuts in brand new music) and got closer after a project andddd you can write whatever after that LMAO :^) THANK YOU ))

okay so ure a fan of wanna one

who isnt tbh

and lucky u bc it turns out tht ure going to college w the one and only park woojin!!!!!!! (srsly tho what r the chances)

u forgot tht woojins age is kinda similar to urs bc he always acts like a tough guy on stage or a little kid off stage and u forget that hes a student like u

anyways

its a little weird to get used to seeing him in person after all the pictures n videos uve seen of him online

like?? hes a Real Person??? what a wild idea

and even tho ure both in the same college course, u try to keep ur distance

as much as ud like to befriend him, hes still an idol (even tho he hasnt debuted w brand new yet) and its rlly hard for u to start up a conversation w someone famous

also ure lowkey worried tht its going to ruin how much u admire him, and that actually talking to him will destroy how highly u view him

little do u kno hes seen u around campus before n thinks ure pretty cute

;))

okay but anyways

u make sure to stay out of his way bc the last thing u want is to bother him by asking for a signature or picture or smthn

u try and keep a minimum of like 10 yds between u at all times

(bc itd be even more embarrassing if u tripped right in front of him and that was the first thing he noticed abt u)

but lucky for u, life doesnt care what u have planned

bc its only a month into the semester and u already have a huge project assigned

of course, it’s a partner project

it might be okay if u were able to choose ur partners, but ur teacher insisted on trying to help everyone “bond w their classmates” so its all completely random

unfortunately for u, u get sick the day that ur teacher assigns partners

so u have no idea who ure paired up with

ure stuck asking some of ur classmates, but none of them rlly remember

everyone was a bit busy stressing out over their own partners tbh

and u keep asking around a bit, but u only know so many ppl in the class so eventually u kinda give up and hope ur partner isnt too bad

u settle on focusing on ur other classes, studying for future exams and reviewing ur notes in the library

even tho ure not sick anymore, u still feel a bit drowsy from all of the different medications u took and all of the work u were trying to catch up on

so. all excuses aside u fall asleep

prob not the best plan esp since some of ur things are balancing on the edge of ur desk

but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it rlly wants to sleep

ure having a rlly weird dream abt pirate monkeys when ure jolted awake by someone bumping into ur side

u look up to see someone sprinting away from u and like okay. thts a little weird

u try not to think abt it too much bc ure still kinda sleepy

so u settle on gathering ur things so u can head back to ur dorm and decide whether or not u want to study, sleep more, or find something to eat

as u collect everything, u notice a little post it note that hadnt been there before

in messy handwriting, it says “i didnt want to wake u but im ur partner for the partner project. im woojin and u can text me at [xxx-xxx-xxxx] whenever u want to meet up i hope u sleep well”

u realize that ur partner is prob the one u saw sprinting away from u earlier after he accidentally bumped into u lol

somehow u momentarily forget that ur partner is THE park woojin and ure like aw cool this woojin guy seems nice

then ure like WAIT A SECOND

ure highkey in shock and keep pinching urself to make sure its real

so u end up taking the rest of ur stuff back to ur room and wondering how u should text him

eventually u decide on a simple greeting and ur name, and u ask him when hes free

u have to send the text and then throw ur phone onto the floor bc U JUST TEXTED PARK WOOJIN ABT MEETING IN PERSON. GOD BLESS

ure suddenly super grateful abt every decision tht led u to this moment

anyways

ur phone buzzes on the floor so u scramble to pick it up

only to realize tht its a text from ur mom asking how ure doing

u text her back and tell her not to worry, then attempt to clean ur room a little instead of waiting for woojin to text u back

u just finish reorganizing ur closet when he texts u

its a quick text, smthn along the lines of “im free tmrw afternoon, do u want to meet by the cafeteria” so u agree quickly and hope u dont seem too desperate

and u KNOW its not a date

u guys havent even spoken to each other before so???

but ure still rlly nervous bc its WOOJIN and u want to impress him, even if ure just going to spend most of ur time talking abt boring coursework

u both settle on a time to meet and u pretend not to freak out

anyways skip to the next afternoon

u get there a bit early but ?? hes there already ??? ldsjks

and he looks Really Cute like hes wearing a sweater and ripped jeans and looking like complete boyfriend material wow ure p sure u can feel ur heart stop in ur chest

hes a bit awkward but uve heard abt how shy he is so u try not to take it personally

as soon as he sees u he blurts out tht u look nice and that is not helping the way tht this feels like a date

u guys end up moving to a bench in the shade bc its rlly nice out and this way ure able to talk freely without worrying abt being too loud

he explains the project a little, and u guys go back and forth offering up ideas

he always nods super enthusiastically whenever u suggest smthn and its honestly the cutest thing uve ever seen

its so weird for u to remember that this is the same guy uve seen videos of online bc what the heck

anyways

neither of u are extreme geniuses in the class, but ure both still pretty smart

ure pleased to find tht u guys complement each other well, w different areas of interest inside the same field

it helps ur project run a lot smoother than u thought it would, so u guys split up the work and agree to do as much as u can before u meet up again

ur conversations are still a bit stilted bc ure both still shy w each other, but overall u seem to get along well so ure happy

u text each other every once in awhile to talk abt the project or ask questions

u meet up a few more times in the next couple weeks but its all work and no business

still, over time u find urselves joking around with each other a little more, teasing each other and talking abt urselves instead of the project

of course, all things must come to an end

so all too soon, the day u submit the final project arrives

and ure a little worried tht woojin is going to disappear from ur life again

bc maybe he’s only been this nice to u bc hes just a sweet guy, but as soon as the project ends he wont care abt talking to u anymore

after all, its not like u guys meet up for meals or to hang out that often - even when ure just relaxing w each other, theres always some part of ur convo tht centers around the class

so as ure freaking out over this

he texts u asking if u want to come over to his dorm while he submits it

and mb u guys can just hang out afterwards?

obviously u agree and u cant stop smiling

when u show up at his dorm, hes wearing sweatpants and a tshirt and he looks adorable as heck when he invites u in

u guys sit on his bed as he loads all the stuff on his laptop and u try not to be hyperaware of the space between u two

woojins also screaming internally but somehow u dont notice the way he keeps staring at u out of the corner of his eye

u click the “submit” button together and HIS HANDS ARE SO GENTLE also theyre shaking a little???? huh

u assume its just bc hes Extra Nervous for the project but honestly? no hes just never been this close to u and hes freaking out

but anyways

u decide to go out to eat off campus afterwards to celebrate being done

a lot of the places have long waits or are too expensive so u just eat at a chikfila

its rlly casual but its fun and u guys argue abt whether chicken nuggets or chicken sandwiches r better and u cant help but think abt how much fun ure having w hiim

u end up blurting it out to him on accident and ure v v embarrassed

but he laughs and admits tht he rlly likes spending time w u too

so u promise each other to keep hanging out afterwards

it gets to the point where weeks later, ure still texting each other to complain abt classes or ask abt the other persons day

it still feels like a dream tbh

but u guys enjoy each others company whenever u can

most of the time u end up meeting each other at the cafeteria or studying together in the library, but u both just rlly like spending time w the other person

this routine continues for awhile and its prob the best part of ur life

but at one point ure trying to sneak up on woojin and surprise him when u see him talking to himself

as u creep forward, u realize tht hes actually on the phone, and he looks kinda stressed

it feels a bit invasive so ure looking around trying to find a place to go while he finishes up his phone call

but then u hear him say ur name so. consider u INTERESTED

and he keeps getting flustered and shutting down anything tht the other person says which is weird bc hes p shy, but hes never usually tht adamant and blushy abt something

eventually he tucks his phone away and lets out a Huge sigh so ure like,, hey u good

and he laughs it off but u can tell hes a little antsy, so u decide to tell him tht u overheard a little bit of him on the phone, and u ask him what it was about

he literally turns into a tomato its so funny u wish u had recorded it

but hes like “HOW MUCH DID U HEAR”

even tho u tell him u didnt hear much, he refuses to believe u and he spends the next few minutes pouting

u keep trying to get him to talk to u normally, but he refuses

finally he ends up grumbling smthn and ure like ???

and after a few half hearted efforts to repeat himself hes like “just tell me u dont like me back”

and. WHAT.

he pouts again and its so sos sosososoos o so cute u think ure going to combust honestly

“i kno u heard me tell him tht i like u!!!! just tell me u dont feel the same and leave me alone to cry”

and u have to reassure him tht u definitely didnt hear that BUT ALSO what???

n hes literally mortified when he realizes ure serious

but he has this rlly cute determined expression like “ok well now u kno i like u!!!!! y/n, please go out w me???”

n its like OF COURSE and u tell him tht u like him too and he keeps smiling and acting shy

honestly u both just make each other super happy

when u start dating, its not too diff from when u were friends, except now ure more affectionate w each other

both physically and with ur words

he loves hyping u up, and u feel the same

esp when he starts practicing more to debut w the rest of the bnm boys

u support the heck out of each other and can always count on the other person to be there for u when u need it the most

honestly its super soft and ure totally proud to be a lowkey campus couple even tho u have to keep ur relationship on the down low bc of dispatch

still u both care for each other a lot and u wouldnt trade what u have for the world

[performanceteams]

5 pm and its already real emo hours?

ya girl kat is back at it again

*deep sigh*

yep, it seems like i have existential crisisies every damn time before i have a huge assessment (which is all the damn time in this hell forsaken ib program)

i just i dont know like always i feel kinda empty, in fact i’ve kinda felt like this for awhile, not just a sorta sadness but also a kind of tiring emptiness

even when i laugh or smile or im having fun, theres still this kind of underlying sadness or worry at the back of my mind

theres a lot of reasons i feel this way, and i dont think i can pinpoint it on one particular thing or event, but i guess to sum it up i feel like im sort of regressing. I used to have these big dreams of being some lawyer and going to a super legit ivy league, and being successful and happy.

but because of this fuckign program i realised i cant do that, i guess yeah its good the difficulty helped me realise that life is hard eariler than later, but a part of me quite frankly would have prepared 2 more years of blissful ignorance. so like last year i decided no i cant do that i cant take the stress im not smart enough that jist blah blah so i guess i kinda haphazardly decided ummm ill do psychology?? its something im interested in and my friends always go to me when theyre down and im pretty good at cheering them up and i did well on the psych course i took 

but the thing is im so unsure o fgoing into this when all my friends are doing ““successful”“ majors like comscip or engineering or premed. and im not even sure of the major i want to do....

i know my parents say therye okay with it but like the truth is i know they arent. like my dad looked so dissapointede in me when i told him i didnt apply to any buisness schools

what im also scrae dof is doing psych at uni and having the whole being assesed thing make me hate it. nothing kills passion than having it associated with dissapointment and stress

my parents sort of instilled this idea in me that if something isnt useful dont do it. which is causing me a lot of grief and stress rn with the recent intersts and hobbies i have. there around 3 but ill just talk about one right now

languages, since like grade 6 ive been fascinated baout languages, i wanted to learn more and wanted to be those cool polygots. i didnt get that far you konw preteen attention span, i learned the cyrillic alphabet and really basic german in the brief period of time tho

in like grade 11 i spent time (and still am) spending time relearning how to read and write chinese, that wasnt a struggle because well i am chinese and its a DAMN useful language

but then grade 12 (aka me last  2+ weeks) i stumbled upon the langblr community and i remembered the interest and spark i used to have about languages, and i saw so many people and so many RELALY GOOD RESORUCES and i was like wow.

so i was like ugh whatever i guess il download duolingo just to check out the features ill probably ditch it anyway

well two weeks and 100 lingots later... guess i didnt ditch it.... but then like theres this nagging voice in my head thats telling me to stop wasting my time learning french, russian, spanish (and german kinda but i haveent startred that yet) these languages arent going to be useful for my future i should sjust stop im wasitng my time

im wasting my time just like i always do, i waste my time doing meaningless things i wont even be able to speak or read these languages that well ill forget eventually so why am i wasitng my time now?

this voice is just so damn loud and i wish i could tell it to shut up

i wish i could truly enjoy something that makes me happy wtihout thinking im wasting my time and im a loser i really ohenstly dont feel that im good at anything or have any geniune long lasting passion i feel like ill ditch the whole langauges and the other two hobbies soon i just feel like ill continue my cycle of mediocirty

another part of me just wonders if im seeing tthe past through rose coloured glasses, so i went back to read some of my old journals and stuff  and i think with the exception of some periods of time

i was geniunely happier then than i am now

but i also had some unhealthy ideas about myself, interests, and i was kind of unhealthily obsessive over some things, granted i still have some problems with that. but i think the main difference is now i’m aware

and to be frank, being aware im not entirely sure if thats a GOOD thing, in fact it kinda makes my not so good feelings feel worse since im aware.

what is geniune happiness? what is the difference between a hobby or interest that brings true joy or just unhealthy escapism? i dont know well i think i know what the answer might be but its still blury and vague

well from this i think one thing im not that bad is im alright at expressing myself and my emotions, im almost too in tune with myself, but the problem is yes i may be aware yes i may be able to articulate myself. but i dont do anything to change

so my circumstances and my feelings and the general state im always in, i guess its just my fault

i hope to look at this months or a year or maybe even years from now and say i didnt have anything to worry about and that things became better

but then again, maybe in the future ill be saying “wow yo u had it easy, i wish i could go back things are much worse now”

honestly i have way more to say but this already seems to o long so maybe another time i have an exam tmrw anyway