#literally had to be up at 4:30 am and be active for almost 12 hours straight cuz of work

[shslpunkartist99]

If I get to leave work early and have nothing else pop up, expect that fic up later tonight. The one with Leroy, Tsuri, Naomi and Kurai at the hotel

Should help me lead to the other fic I wanted to do

Update: I've once again overestimated myself in my ability to stay awake

[yourwannabekpopidol]

Project 15

Apprenticeship Program Name: Radio Campbuzz Project Name: RJ for Rangdhonu and script writer for shows Program Date: Fall 2017 – Fall 2018 Program Description: I joined this program when Kashfia Ma’am was the advisor for the program. She assigned me to a RJ position for a weekly show called, “Rangdhonu”. And I had to write the script for the show as well. What I had to do was be a host for the show and the show is about pop culture and entertainment. So we had to talk about any new update on Hollywood and Bollywood. Program Justification: What the show provided was to let the students know about any pop culture and to let them enjoy some entertainment before going back to class. There were other shows but this show made me realize how fun it is to be a RJ. Due to this show, I was even awarded the best RJ in Radio Campbuzz of Spring 2018. Program Name: Rangdhonu. Program Time: Every Wednesday from 12 pm to 1 pm.

Picture 1: This is me before the show of Rangdhonu at the station.

Picture 2: This is the poster that declared that Nabeela apu and I were the host of the show, Rangdhonu, on social media.

Picture 3: This was the award and the certificate of me winning the best RJ.

Script for the 5th Rangdhonu show: Written by: Wangkhem Thonglen

Link 1

Sonam Kapoor ties the knot! Celebrity marriages are always the talk of the town, especially when it is the much-awaited wedding of one of Bollywood's most beloved stars, Sonam Kapoor. In an event of grand celebrations, Sonam Kapoor has finally tied the knot last Tuesday, May 8, with her long-time boyfriend Anand Ahuja. For those who don't know, Anand Ahuja is a businessman who has founded his own fashion brand named Bhane. His Delhi-based business has made him quite successful despite his young age, and fans know him well for always being addressed fondly in Sonam's online posts. The couple is active on social media, and has never failed to win hearts through their messages of adoration and love. Radio Cambuzz wishes the couple a happy conjugal life!

SaRa May 12 marked the grand opening of SaRa's first showroom in Mirpur. The fashion house made a huge statement with endorsements from stars like Sara Zaker, Oyshee, Shahtaj, Pritom, Xefer, Azim, Doyel and many others. They were present during the opening, along with the owner S.M Khaled.

RABINDRA FESTIVALS AROUND THE COUNTRY The celebration of 157th birth anniversary of Tagore in Shilpakala Academy, Dhaka. Artistes performed in a programme by Jayita Rabindra Sangeet Shomillon Porishod in Mymensingh. Artistes did a cultural show in Rabindra Mela, Channel i premises, Dhaka. Artistes from Bangladesh and India performed in Rabindra Festival in Shelaidah Kuthibari, Kushtia. Also Sirajganj.

30 years of BAMBA - More than just bands After a break of almost four years, Bangladesh Musical Bands Association, better known as BAMBA, recently arranged a mega concert, 'BAMBA Live Chapter 1', in Dhaka. The turnout was huge, with the spacious hall room of the International Convention Centre, Bashundhara, filled to the brim with fans eager to get a glimpse of their favorite bands and listen to their all-time hits. 11 of the 27 bands under the umbrella of BAMBA, including Warfaze, Miles, Shunno, Aurthohin, Nemesis, Vikings, Feedback, Dalchhut, Maq O' Dhaka, Pentagon and Arbovirus performed at the concert. Star Showbiz recently invited BAMBA to participate at a roundtable discussion at The Daily Star Centre. Hamin Ahmed, President of BAMBA; Sheikh Monirul Alam Tipu, General Secretary; Fuad Naser Babu, Vice President; Maqsoodul Haque (Mac), Executive Committee Member; Mohammad Ali Shumon, Treasurer; and Doza Alan, CEO, SkyTracker Limited, took part in the roundtable discussion. It was facilitated by Star Showbiz Editor Rafi Hossain. The discussion focused on BAMBA's current activities and the way forward in the face of the challenges confronting our music industry.

Link 2

Zoe Saldana on the Hollywood Walk of Fame After smashing success as the alien warrior Gamora in the Guardians of the Galaxy films and more recently, Avengers: Infinity War, Zoe Saldana is on a path to eternal stardom, literally. She joins the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Charlie Chaplin and her co-actor Chris Pratt, by receiving her very own star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Zoe Saldana took to Instagram to express her gratitude, saying she is blessed and honored to be a part of the history of Hollywood. “May this open more doors for Latinx and all other under-represented community!” she further stated. Zoe Saldana has also appeared in James Cameron's 2009 film Avatar and the recent Star Trek trilogy. Being a constant presence in blockbuster sci-fi and fantasy films, Zoe Saldana is expected to become a top name in this specific genre quite soon. 2018 71st Cannes Film Festival From Tuesday May 8th til Saturday May 19th. Australian actress Cate Blanchett has been named as the President of the Jury. Asghar Farhadi's psychological thriller Everybody Knows, starring Javier Bardem, Penélope Cruz and Ricardo Darín, opened the festival and competes in the Main Competition section The Han Solo spinoff Solo: A Star Wars Story touched down Tuesday at the Cannes Film Festival, bringing its cast and a full-sized Chewbacca to the French Riviera extravaganza. Director Ron Howard, wearing a hat that read “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away,” introduced his cast before the film’s international premiere at Cannes. Sonam Kapoor wows at the red carpet of Cannes Film Festival 2018. Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai Bachchan once again stole the show as she walked the prestigious red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival, this time in a stunning ultra-violet, blue and red gown that reflected the metamorphosis of a butterfly. History was made at this year's 71st  Cannes Film Festival on Saturday as 82 women, representing the limited number of women filmmakers selected over its more than seven-decade history, made a symbolic walk up the red carpet. The stars, filmmakers and other professionals ascended the steps of the Palais des Festivals at the Cannes Film Festival, protesting for the solidarity of the women in the industry who are struggling for a voice, equal pay, as well as a safer work place. The five female members of this year's Cannes jury-- Cate Blanchett, Kristen Stewart, Ava DuVernay, Lea Seydoux and Burundian singer Khadja Nin, along with Jane Fonda, Salma Hayek and Marion Cotillard were among the group of women.

Link 3 Mim Mantasha Superstar in the making Winning the country's biggest pageant is not an ordinary feat. Mim Mantasha has won not just a crown, but also the hearts of millions. Awaiting a new journey, the Lux Channel i Superstar 2018 winner shares her story with The Daily Star. A final year student of Fine Arts at Jahangirnagar University, Mim has always been a creative and curious soul. She was an avid follower of the contest for a long time. This year, she finally took the decision to compete. Taking part in the competition was certainly not a cakewalk. “We went through vigorous training sessions. We did yoga in the mornings,” explains Mim.  Before the task rounds, the contestants went through fifteen days of training for ramp walk, acting, dancing, and many other skills. The photo shoots, acting, and improvisation rounds were Mim's favourite tasks in the competition. “I was nervous but in a scene, I got to convince people through my acting that my child was lost. I enjoyed it,” Mim smiles, adding that the competition was an overall memorable experience. Although she is highly enthusiastic about working in the media, she wants to take more preparations before doing so. She is now Lux Bangladesh's brand ambassador and has also won the opportunity to work on television and feature film projects of Impress Telefilm. Before hitting the silver screen, Mim wants to explore the world of television. Being a painter at heart, Mim also wants to continue painting and have her own exhibition in the future. Further to this, she intends to work for children who need special care. “I am in a fortunate position and it is our duty to take care of those in need.” says Mim. With great intentions, we hope Mim Mantasha excels at every step of her future endevours.

Link 4

Avengers Infinity War Review The plot itself is pretty simple. There are six stones that possess mystic powers and he/she who possesses all the stones is by default the most powerful being in the universe. Our Marvel superheroes must forget their own conflicts and join forces against Thanos to restore the fate of the universe and its inhabitants. Of course, watch the movie to know how things pan out. Avengers: Infinity War is the movie of movies, and let me tell you why. Most, if not all, the characters of the MCU are present in this film and bring their own flavour into the mix. Thor is mourning the loss of his home and hammer, Stark feels he needs to take a break from saving the world, Captain America is still out to bring justice the right way, and Hulk has no control over himself. I don't know what formula the Russo brothers have applied in their direction but I watched in awe how all the characters blended to deliver multiple storylines within a movie. Yes, I have also compared this movie to a mega three-hour episode of your daily soap opera. Avengers: Infinity War is the comprehensive Marvel movie; it is the beginning of an end. It lifts you, it hits you, and leaves you with a cliffhanger extraordinaire. See it to believe it and it'll still be unbelievable. By next weekend, Infinity War will top $1.78 billion and could sit around $1.8 billion, ensuring Marvel's year-to-date tally exceeds $3.1 billion by next Sunday.

Deadpool 2 Marketing Right off the bat, you see how Deadpool has scratched out the 20th Century Fox logo and put “TBD,” which is a sly allusion to the ongoing Disney/Fox (and Comcast?) merger drama. The content of the letter is exactly what you might expect from the Merc with a Mouth. Pop culture references, silly puns, bad language, and Ryan Reynolds bashing. Then, at the bottom, instead of the #ThanosDemandsYourSilence, we get #WadeWilsonDemandsYourSisterSorryStupidAutoCorrectSilence. See, you guys, it’s funny! And not at all trying too hard. Kidding aside, the marketing for “Deadpool 2” has been pretty top notch, but perhaps not as great as the first film. Recently, the film premiered a music video for the soundtrack featuring Celine Dion singing an over-the-top ballad while a high-heel-wearing Deadpool does an interpretive dance around the diva. It’s ridiculous and fun. And also, the most recent trailer seems to have struck a chord with fans, who are coming down off their ‘Infinity War’ high.

Link 5

Top 10 Hollywood Box Office Weekend 1. Avengers: Infinity War - $62,078,047 (Total Grossing – $548,090,150) 2. Life of the Party - $17,886,075 (New) 3. Breaking In - $17,630,285 (New) 4. Overboard - $9,864,415 5. A Quiet Place - $6,455,396 (Total Grossing - $169,608,030) 6. I Feel Pretty - $3,805,437 7. Rampage - $3,462,442 (Total Grossing - $89,827,105) 8. Tully - $2,248,945 9. Black Panther -  $2,077,207 (Total Grossing - $696,331,818) 10. RBG - $1,188,186

Billboard’s top 10 Hits 1. This Is America – Childish Gambino (New) 2. Nice For What – Drake (Last Week: 1) 3. God’s Plan – Drake 4. Psycho – Post Malone Featuring Ty Dolla $ign (Last Week: 2) 5. Meant To Be – Bebe Rexha & Florida Georgia Line 6. The Middle – Zedd, Maren Morris & Grey 7. Look Alive – BlocBoy JB Featuring Drake 8. Never Be The Same – Camila Cabello 9. Perfect – Ed Sheeran (Last Week: 12) 10. No Tears Left To Cry – Ariana Grande Learning and reflections: This program made me realize the inner potential I had to be so extrovert and be a good host. I learned what to do or say after getting stuck during a live session. I have improved my speaking skills and the flow of a RJ host on how to talk and say because they have a different tone when it comes to a live session. I have taken all these skills from this program and I even got selected and did a short commercial video for Spice FM Radio. I also learned how to write a script for a radio show.

[werevulvi]

Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

[michelle4417]

PLEASE READ!! YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID...

Hello to everyone out there... I hope all of you are doing well, as always. I really want to reach out to you and talk to you from the heart. I posted about the President of Ghana and something major he had to say to the world yesterday morning and no one paid any attention to it. It is so frustrating!!

This is hard because there is a short video that lasts for 12 minutes that is on Telegram right now but I can't share it here at all due to tumble and their Communist censoring nonsense. I was absolutely insane to even try to share the actual video here but I always give everything a try at least once... Anyway, IT IS SOOO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HERE NOW... I AM GOING TO JUST TYPE OUT WHAT HE SAYS ON HERE FOR YOU... I went through and listened to every word and wrote it all down for you all almost verbatim. He is kind of hard to understand due to his accent but I did my best. It took me a couple of hours to transcribe this so PLEASE READ THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!! IT IS THE HONEST TO GOD TRUTH!!! IF YOU WANT MORE CONFIRMATION OF THIS, YOU WILL HAVE TO GO AND LISTEN TO THE AUDIO YOURSELF THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT ON THE LAST POST...

The President Ghana reveals the entire Rockefeller's Lockstep Plan and it explains everything about *OVID and the vaccine. First off, in case you don't know, *OVID stands for CERTIFICATION OF VACCINATION IDENTIFICATION. The actual true name of the vaccine is Luciphase (might be spelled wrong) after Lucifer). The pandemic was planned many years in advance.

They literally call it a Plandemic (accident according to plan) themselves. This virus was created and patented and we were purposely, globally infected. They started way back as early as 2008-2013 and had a weaponized version of the strain by 2015. They had the strain they planned on using to kick this off literally stolen on purpose from a lab in Winnepeg, Canada and then taken to a class 4 lab in Wuhan, China, for plausible deniability and to cement the "wanted" public script as something to fall back on, if needed. The Primary script was that China created it by accident. Release the virus at the Wuhan lab itself and then blame it on a natural scapegoat-the Wuhan wet market. Roll out on a global scale, then the global vaccination identification action plan-digital ID.

Mystery of iniquity and wickedness cast in secrecy.

Next, downplay the human to human transmission as long as possible to allow the strain to spread on a global scale before any country can lockdown to respond before any infection. Once a country has seen and experience infection and it is in place, lockdown incoming/outgoing travel but keep the transmission spreading within the country as long as possible. Once enough people in a country are infected, quarantine starts and slowly lockdown overtime and expand the region.

Overhype the mortality rate by tying the strain to deaths that have little or nothing to do with the actual virus - with fear and compliance at the maximum.

If anyone dies, whether it is *OVID or not - it is to be considered as *OVID. If they have any symptoms of *OVID - it is to be considered *OVID no matter what. This is why the Americans are challenging the Chinese. They were not wrong. They were quoting the right figures. But this thing was bred and brewed in the U.S. - as the personal agenda of Fauci, Gates and the Rockefeller Foundation. The deaths - in the U.S.-a lot have absolutely zero to do with *OVID-many have some of the symptoms but are not really *OVID at all. This is why Fauci speaks with such confidence and why he did when he said we would have 200,000 deaths and so on...

Next... Keep the public quarantined as long as possible to destroy the regions economy. Create unrest, break down the supply chain, create the start of mass food shortages as well as cause people's immune systems to weaken due to lack of interaction with others, bacteria, the outside world. Making us susceptible to diseases. Downplay and attack any potential treatments (HCQ) and continue to echo that only a CURE is the answer to this virus a/k/a: a vaccine.

Continue to drag out the quarantine over and over and over again over two week intervals, causing people to finally stand up and protest or defy them.

Eventually, end Phase 1 quarantine after is enough public push back (approx. June 2020) and publicly say it's too early to end isolation but are willing to do it anyways... Once they go back to normal, wait a few weeks, then over-hype the virus mortality rate (approx. Sept. 2020). Combine it with increase of people dying from standard illnesses at a higher rate than normal due to having highly weakened immune systems from weeks of being in isolation to further pad the virus mortality rate and have the Phase 2 Lockdown set in motion.

Oct.-Nov.-make it much more extreme level of lockdown/isolation/quarantine/restriction/masking, etc. - Blame the protesters - they are the ones who do not trust the government already-the cause of the even larger 2nd Wave. - We told you... It was too early but we let you anyway... see what happened now? You should have listened to the government who is here to help you and knows best... Now it is all your fault - now, all because you needed a haircut, your freedoms have consequences.

Now - Enforce official quarantine at much more extreme level - increasing penalty for defense. Deem all travels as non-essential. Increase check-points, including Military assistance. Increase tracking/tracing of the people. Takeover control of food, gas - cause large scale shortages so that people can only get access to essential products/services if they are 1st given permission. Keep the Phase 2 Lockdown in place much longer than the Phase 1 Lockdown.

Continue to destroy the global economy. Further degrade the supply chain. Amplify the food shortages and the like. Quell any public outrage using extreme force and make anyone who defies them as public enemy number one.

To those who are willing to submit after a long Phase 2 Lockdown for at least 6 months or longer, roll out the vaccination certification program and then make it mandatory for everyone - giving priority access to those who have submitted from the start and then have those that are fooled attack those that are against the program - saying they are a threat and the cause for all of the problems - The whole reason why we cannot go back normal and we can't until everyone takes the vaccine. People that defy are the enemy. They are hindering our way of life. The "New Normal". And all the while - limiting the people that defied the agenda... Their ability to work and travel. And for this minority of people left that are going against the agenda - there will be a release of a weaponized hybrid strain of the virus with at least a 30% real mortality rate as a final scare tactic to push them into finally becoming the majority - a final "I TOLD YOU SO"-for those that wouldn't listen.

Next, ignite the new economy model Microsoft Patent 060606 Crypto Currency System USING BODY ACTIVITY DATA BASED ON HUMAN BEHAVIOR AND WILLINGNESS TO SUMBIT. Black bureau's 15 Million Merits. This will use water, food, shelter and other essentials as a form of enforcement of the new economic system. Do what we want and then you will get rewarded and gain credit and access to the things to survive/go against what we want and you will get penalized.

Well, this is the end of the information that was given for now from this brave and amazing man, the President of Ghana, Nana Addo Dankwa Akufo-Addo. He is a strong Christian believer and at the end of giving the information to this diabolical plan, he prayed an amazing prayer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then declared and decreed that this plan will NOT succeed! This man is part of the Alliance with us. Trump is fighting against these deep state criminals and talking heads to keep this from coming to fruition. That is another reason they hate him so much and have done everything in their power to try and stop him. If you stayed with me and read all of this, I want to truly thank you so much. You are truly a Patriot if you did and you love this GREAT country and our world as much as I do. Please PRAY!!! God bless every one of you and your families!! Thank you. God bless America.

[aonrivers]

Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, and Baby Time! (TMI warning) - Part 02

In Part 01 I went over the truths about being pregnant. Now that the nine (really ten) months are over... Labor and Postpartum begins.

Labor and Postpartum Truths: 1) Not being able to eat sucks once you're admitted into the hospital. You seriously only get ice water like they say online. So make your last meal one that can hold you out until after birth. 2) Contractions feel like really bad period cramps. I'm sure there's some women who feel them worse, but that's all I got on the topic. I was numb for them most of the time. 3) To induce labor, at least for me, they shoved this "shoelace" thing up my you-know-what. As I said before, I was swollen down there, so any time my cervix was checked I was in a lot of pain, and this thing was no different. 4) Hospital rooms are not quiet. Between hearing everyone outside at the nursing station to the beeping in your room, you also have constant visits from nurses when all you wanna do is rest because you're basically waiting for labor to begin. 5) Water breaking isn't a "oh hey I think I peed myself". No. It's like a queef then GUSH and it doesn't stop until you and your bed are soaked. 6) Catheters are handy when you are bed rest and drinking gallons of water. Also, you get one when you get the epidural. Which they don't really tell you until the epidural is offered. 7) Take the epidural if you don't want to experience a natural and painful birth. I felt no pain leading up to labor. I did however feel a shit ton of pain when the pain relief ran out. They tell you it's because labor is all in your back - this excuse is bullshit. I was in so much pain when that shit wore off that my husband said my labor pain face didn't match this one. Once they take the tube out of your back, the pain fades away. But my back still hurts in that spot even as I type this. The pain in the spine also lingers after giving birth. Almost like you need your back seriously cracked. 8) The epidural needle doesn't really hurt if your pain tolerance is high for stuff like this. It's a pinch. What you do feel that is considered almost like a quick throbbing pain is when the fluid is injected. It's like a small punch to your back. 9) Projectile vomit will most likely occur. All the gallons of water you consumed waiting for labor will come projecting out of you before you go into active labor. Be glad your head doesn't start spinning. I up chucked three times and had to have myself redressed and my bedding changed out. 10) Some labor beds have built in handles to assist with labor. See if yours does. They helped a lot. 11) I tore two tiny spots inside my VJ giving birth. They stick a numbing agent where they see you'll be tearing, so that's cool and all - you'll feel it when you start being mobile again. BTW, some women tear bigger. Luckily my baby was only 7lbs. 12) You may not know your labor doctor. I met mine briefly the day before at my doctor's office, but never before that. Don't feel shy about being exposed in front of them though, they do this for a living. 13) Speaking of being shy. I am a prude with my body. I don't want people checking out my ass or having my nipples poking through my shirt on a cold day but all of this goes out the window when you're in the hospital to give birth and here's why. One: this is the doctor and nurse's job. They see boobs, ass, and vagina every day. And two: you're giving birth - who TF cares what you look like. 14) Pushing a baby out is not like pushing pee out. It's like taking the biggest shit of your life. You push with your asshole. Literally. And it causes hemorrhoids and for your ass to hurt WEEKS after giving birth. (Do yourself a favor and get some fiber enriched foods because pooping is not easy it pain free.) 15) Those home videos of the women giving birth don't exist anymore. It's pretty much illegal. I guess people were blackmailing the mother. Idk. That's what my nurse said. But they give you a big ass mirror to watch the birth of your baby so that's really cool. 16) Hospitals offer photographs of your newborn (unless you gave birth in 2020). It's usually expensive and I would've done it too if they offered. My husband got amazing shots of our daughter which I cropped out to make that oval baby picture our parents in the 80s got. 17) Taking pictures of your baby in the nursery is a big no no. I wish I could've seen my baby under the UV lamp with her glasses on to fix her jaundice, but I was bedridden with the pre-eclampsia. Hubby saw her though. He says she was just chilling while all the other babies were crying their heads off. FYI, the reason you can't take pictures is because of the other babies in there. They're not yours. You don't have the right to photograph them even if your baby is mixed in and she's the only one you want the picture of. 18) I wasn't told this until it came time... But they push your belly and I mean in your belly button and hard. They check if your uterus is shrinking and returning in place. (Breastfeeding helps it go faster.) This pushing hurts like a mofo. Seriously. And they don't care if you're in pain from, oh idk - THE EPIDURAL WEARING OFF! They are required to check. 19) My friend told me this which I think is important to know... When you're doped up on pain meds before birth or if you're having a really hard time during the labor process (time  you entered hospital to when the baby pops out), have someone with you. Have that person listen to the words coming out of the doctor and nurse's mouths. My friend didn't and took meds they gave her and was devastated when her baby came out gray and on the edge of death. She didn't know what they gave her or what they said about the meds. If she did, she would've known this would be the outcome of her child's birth (baby lived btw. He just graduated high school last year!) 20) Labor and Delivery nurses are freaking awesome. Postpartum nurses not so much... 21) The hospital food really isn't that bad. At least, it wasn't where I stayed. I had choices for breakfast, lunch, and dinner too! 22) Nurses can't technically tell you no to taking the baby to the nursery. Yes you need bonding time with your baby, but you also need rest. 23) The chair that pulls out into a bed for your partner is uncomfortable af. They have cots. Ask for one. 24) I couldn't have visitors. Make sure you don't either. It's nice. You don't gotta worry about appearance or staying awake for your guest. Birth is about you and your baby (and partner) and the time you have with them. Your guest can wait till you get home. 25) Back to the heartburn and hairy babies talk. This isn't really a myth. My baby came out with a full head of hair, hair on her ears, and fuzz all over her shoulders and back. At a month old it's going away, but that head of hair is real. And so was that heartburn!! 26) Bleeding after birth is like having your period back, but it goes on and on. It changes colors and has a gross smell to it. And wearing a pad again SUCKS! I do have to say though... That mesh underwear they give you is freaking awesome. I want some for my daily wear. 27) For a week or two, I felt like I was punched in the cooch. Walking hurt, getting up hurt, even bathing hurt (no baths until you heal btw, so I showered). Even now, a month later, I still feel pain down there when sitting a certain way (like Indian style). But what do I expect? A freaking baby was pushed out of me!! 28) After the six week heal time is up, don't expect sex to go back to normal. It still hurts for me but this time because of the bruising and stitches. 29) When it's time for sex, lube up. Breastfeeding and hormones still rampant don't assist in easy glide ins (if you know what I mean). 30) When the milk comes in, your boobs get bigger, harder, and start to ache. Feed feed feed or feed and pump. It's the only way to fix it. And don't be surprised when you wake up and your bed is stained with milk puddles because you're still sleeping naked to easily feed your little one at night. My side of the bed is disgusting, but ce la vie! It comes with the territory (like lack of sleep). 31) Also, sleeping on your side with milk filled boobs is not easy. It hurts. Go back to sleeping on your back because belly sleeping isn't comfortable either. 32) Everything you buy or received for your baby screams suffocation with it's warning labels. Don't let it get you paranoid like it did for me. Learn your babies habits and go with your instincts. They also sell baby breathing monitors that alert you if the baby stops breathing. 33) Outfits are cute and irresistible, but try to resist buying those newborn clothes. My baby grew out of them all within three weeks and wore only half of the clothes we had. Also, buy larger clothes - season conscious - that way you're ready when the baby starts growing out of their clothes. We had hardly any 3 month PJs, now her closet is over packed... 34) The baby may not sleep in their crib or bassinet right away. My girl would rather be on me or my husband than a cold bed. Seriously. They want your baby sleeping with nothing but a fitted mattress that's cold and a swaddle or wearable blanket. My baby hates swaddles and kicked too much with the wearable blanket. She sleeps with me for easy feeding and comfort - for me and her. I don't sleep much but slowly I've been getting my Z's and during the day I put her in the bassinet on her belly because I can watch her and she's amazing with that head support already. When she doesn't feed every 2-3 hours, she'll be spending more time on her own in her bed. So don't be discouraged if it's not working for you. It will happen. Just takes time. 35) Sound machine was a waste of a gift. Our phones have sound effects we can tune into. Google Home and Alexa even offer it. My baby doesn't like it, she'd rather listen to us or the TV. Also she doesn't like the dark until she's actually sleeping. She loves bright lights. They tell you the opposite online. 36) If your boobs are small, don't bother getting the shirts where you pull your boob through a window because it won't work. The shirts with the clip that drops to expose the breast are the best. Amazon has great prices and quality shirts on this. My one from Kohl's broke after wearing four times. 37) I really don't think those smiles are gas like they claim it to be. Sure some are. But when your kid smiles without passing gas, they're smiling because they're happy/content. 38) You'll probably end up missing your belly bump the first few weeks like I did. I kept thinking she was still in there. I mean, it's nine months carrying a creature in you. You get used to it. And lastly... 35) You get what you wished for. Any time I talked about having babies, I said keywords on what I wanted: a beautiful, healthy, happy, and smart baby. And I got just that. === So there it is. My journey, my tips, and my nitty gritty of it all of just pregnancy, labor, and postpartum alone!! There is so much more to being a mother; and that will continue in my part 03,04,05,etc to come. IDK how many there will be, only time will tell.

I will continue to update Part 01 and Part 02 when I remember more things.

As Part 03 is conjuring, I would like to say congrats if you're pregnant or gave birth already; and good luck if you're trying.

[foofygoldfish]

hello i am impatient and just want to delete the note, so here! 50 facts on rosie!

Personal

1)      Age?

25 - born a month after outbreak day

2)      Gender?

cis female

3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation?

bi

4)      Height?

5'.

5)      Race?

human

6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc).

anya taylor joy!

7)      Any disabilities?

She has a bad back - it stops her from going out on regular patrols etc, and cemented her decision to be a teacher and not a soldier.

8)      Is there a meaning to their name?

to me? i wanted something floral lol. in-universe - it was her great-grandmother's name. her great-grandma is the one who raised her dad, and she died during the initial outbreak

9)      What makes them, them? 

she's definitely more of a peacemaker - while rosie may not have a formal teachers education, she's still very good at it, and she uses some of her mediation skills she's learned on the job on her friends. which they tend to not like lol. she's also really good at playing the piano - in another world, she'd be good enough to be pro, or at least have a spotify page. mood-wise, she's always outwardly happy - even when she feels like she's dying inside, she tries to look as happy as can be, or at least neutral.

10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives?

in her world? she wants to be alive, honestly. she's already a teacher, which she loves doing, but she might be interested in transitioning fully to being a librarian. in a no-outbreak au, she teaches online while her and abby travel, but she thinks she would like doing music for video games and movies or something.

Family

11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)?

her parents are christopher and jessica - both were very loving and supportive while they were alive. they died about a year before the events in jackson, after running in to a group of scars.

12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? If not, do they wish they had siblings?

she has a twin sister, hazel, who was her lifeline. the two were almost literally inseperable, up until hazel was killed by runners.

13)   Extended family? Do they see them often?

the only extended family she knows of is her nephew, wren - he's eight when the events of the game take place. the rest of her family was back in austin, and her parents weren't able to make contact with them after the outbreak.

14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?)

for most of her life, yeah, she does - life under FEDRA isn't ideal, but it's safe, and they have enough food, and with the WLF? it's pretty good, and the little city at the stadium is really nice. after jackson, though? the cracks start showing, and she decides to leave the WLF with wren.

15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class?

over the course of the story: seattle, jackson, and avalon, on catalina island. money isn't really a thing? she's comfortable enough, and is happy with what she has.

16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great?

not really.

17)   Do they have pets?

she's between pets at the time of the game - her dog died a few months before hazel, and she just wasn't ready for another dog quite yet. she semi-steals one of elizabeth's cats while she's in jackson, and she gets more cats and dogs when she finally makes it to avalon.

18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family?

her sister. hazel is brave and strong and loving and -- rosie doesn't really see any faults with her (she does have faults, but rosie chooses to ignore them...). if she had been able to meet her grandpa, though, she would have adored him, and definitely would have been spoiled rotten by him.

19)   This there anything special about their family?

for the longest time, it was that they were whole - they weren't sure about the extended family, sure, but their little nuclear family was intact. after her parents die? rosie thinks they're just like any other family in seattle.

20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household?

not really.

Friends

21)   Best Friend(s)?

Hazel, Whitney

22)   Who was their first friend?

That wasn't her sister? A boy name Justin, who lived in the same apartment building as her family. They were pretty close for a while, but his family left Seattle around the time the WLF became active.

23)   What is their friend group like?

It's not the biggest - she's closest with Whitney and Nora, but most of her friends are her coworkers in the school and library, though after she befriends Abby, she starts to befriend more of the Salt Lake crew and things get a little more... chaotic.

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them?

Not... that I can think of? She's not particularly fond of some of the Salt Lake crew,

25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

I mean, Hazel is literally her sister

26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one?

Hazel :(

27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends?

....Abby.

28)   Do they share classes with good friends?

She did! She had most of her classes with Justin and a few other friends from high school, some of whom are still in Seattle, though she's drifted apart from them.

29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on?

Hazel. After Hazel's gone - Abby, even though Abby's not really that type of friend - she's just the first person Rosie thinks of.

30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives?

Be very quiet. Without the presence of her friends, she'd be perfectly content disappearing into her books, and it's highly possible she'll go days without talking to someone.

School

31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come?

She's.... 25?

32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one?

She didn't like her math teachers, but she adored her science teachers. Oddly enough for someone who ended up teaching history, she didn't really care for her history teachers - they were kinda boring.

33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot?

She was a bit of a teachers pet lmao - she wanted to learn, so she was very good at staring the kids who were misbehaving down so they'd shut up.

34)   Are/Where they a good student grade wise?

She wasn't great, but she wasn't terrible - solid B's.

35)   Do/Did they need extra help?

Not really. She ocassionally needed help finding a place to do her homework, or for clarifications on things (particularly history-related) that didn't quite sound right, but that's it.

36)   What is/was their school like?

Ever-changing. First it was in a tent, then an old school, then she was a day student at one of the military schools... She finished her schooling at the new WLF school, and went on to teach there a few years later.

37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school?

A few that'd tease her for being quiet, but that's as far as it ever went. To be fair - Hazel was protective, and the other kids knew not to mess with either of the Bowers girls lol

38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school?

She threw a book at a kid in her class once. Teacher didn't believe it was her, though, so she got off scot-free. She's still not sure how she got away with that...

39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school?

She'd fall asleep in her history classes. A Lot.

40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back?

In a no-outbreak au? She would go as far as getting a dual masters degree - one in education, and one in library science.

Other

41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? 

she's in a friends-with-benefits relationship with abby, which eventually (eventually) turns into a proper relationship.

42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret?

for something that isn't book-related - she likes pressing flowers and roller skating! she can't skate as much as she wants because of her back, but she still likes skating around the stadium in the early hours of the morning.

43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be?

gonna be sad here and say she wants her family back.

44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one?

she's a teacher/librarian! she only has two classes in the morning, she works in the library in the afternoon

45)   Do they use social media?

well, social media doesn't exactly exist in the apocalypse... in a modern/no-outbreak au, though, yes - she has an instagram, and her and abby have a youtube channel.

46)   Have they ever been in the hospital?

yes - after she hurt her back, she was kept in the hospital tent for about a week. since then, she hasn't really been in for anything other than cuts and scrapes, at least until the day hazel died - she was kept overnight to make triple sure she hadn't been bitten, and because nora was worried about her.

47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see?

oh yeah. she absolutely believes that the stadium is haunted.

48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset?

She gets quiet - if she's scared, she'll cling to the closest person she's comfortable around.

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey?

she thinks she's a good person, but she knows that she can be very petty and spiteful, though rarely over 'major' things

50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc)

well, her name for one lmao. also loving abby. and her arms. and being a librarian. and uh.... yeah...... more and more of me is seeping in to her OOPS

[thegayfromrulid]

Frkm 1 allll the way to 99. Also, the next SAO game eugeo lives as a sword and not die (thank GOD)

@2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars- I will not eat lollipops. 

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Cotton candy! I actually get super bad headaches from bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Probably lonely genius...

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles!! I feel so fancy!! And old-timey.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I guess tomboy even though I’m a boy??

7. earbuds or headphones?

Aren’t these the same thing? I think I prefer over-ear headphones, but I don’t really like either. 

8. movies or tv shows?

Depends on the genre I guess. But as a main rule, live action- movies, animated- TV shows.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Potato salad.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Frankly, I wasn’t good, but I was really good at pissing all the jocks off-

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

I make myself these homemade egg mcmuffins. I enjoy them a lot. I am very picky about breakfast.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

I only have one and it’s very generic: The Gay From Rulid’s Playlist. Yes it’s on Spotify. Yes, it’s 99% anime openings and endings and maybe Bet On It from HSM2. Be ashamed of me. Go on.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Lanyard! Mine is a BNHA one I bought from an artist at Nekocon!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Either Sweet Tarts or Nerds. 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

I usually have one leg tucked up under me and the other stretched out.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

A black and white pair of Skechers. They look like shit. They almost never are replaced by another shoe. Not even in the gross muggy heat.

18. ideal weather?

When it’s just warm enough to wear a t-shirt and sit in the sunshine, but cool enough that I’m not hot, and a little breeze is going. I think of this weather quite often. 

19. sleeping position?

On my belly kinda spread out like a shounen protagonist.

21. obsession from childhood?

J.R.R. Tolkien. Have always been obsessed with him and his works. 

22. role model?

Redundant, but Tolkien again. Linguist and writer. Living my dream. 

23. strange habits?

I unplug things like microwaves, lamps, and TVs when I am done using them. Very little remains plugged in at my place. The modem, the fridge, and the clock. That is it.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst. It’s my sister’s middle name. And I especially like the purple ones.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Blue by Eiffel 65. I don’t know why that song sticks out so much in my memory but it’s nostalgic for me. Tiny AJ hyperfixated on this song before anything else ya’ll. 

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Curl up in the sun on a blanket and nap. 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Hot cocoa blanket cuddles. 

28. five songs to describe you?

Uhhhh...I’m not very musically literate. Let’s go with Born This Way (the first person I came out to sent me that song so it feels special!), I’m Free to Be Me by Jamie Grace, Praying by Kesha, Shake It Off by Taylor Swift ( @delicateeuphorias​ would you believe it xD), and right now thinking about someone dear to me who’s been gone See You Again is stuck in my brain.

30. places that you find sacred?

Arboretums or big botanical gardens where I can get lost in the plants for a moment and take in how pretty they all are. And old monuments/big things people of the past built. A lot of things were built by people with no rights/freedom and I think about them and how despite the fact that they had nothing, they made such a lasting impact on our world. 

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

*slips on my Owari no Seraph cosplay* I will kick ass in this sweet ass cape-

33. most used phrase in your phone?

My phone seems to think it’s “Kirito’s ass” and I want it to not think that.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

O-O-O-O’REILLYYYYYYYYYY’S...Autooo PARTS.

35. average time you fall asleep?

I’m an insomniac it could be 10 pm it could be 3 am who knows I sleep for an hour I’m up again...

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Fucking CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGR cats. 

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

This all boils down to how much I’m packing. Going for a sleepover? Duffel. Going to con? My giant suitcase with room for all the bells and whistles of cosplay.

38. lemonade or tea?

Tea!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Oh cruel I looooove lemon. The pie!

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

In high school here- so, aside from me being the resident weirdo (I DID come to school dressed as the TARDIS), my senior class decided to squirt hundreds of bottles of chocolate syrup on the sidewalks. We were an open campus so it’s all in front of our classroom doors- we had no hallways. And then they. They fucking EGGED ALL THE DOORS. The whole campus smelled like...ick.

41. last person you texted?

My father and mother in a group text to cry about customers treating me poorly. 

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I prefer the jacket pockets because I still haven’t found a way to get men’s pants under the radar of my ever-watchful parents and women’s jeans pockets are SHITTY. Women gotta boycott this shit it is UNACCEPTABLE-

44. favorite scent for soap?

Peppermint...peppermint ^-^ I like to smell like...mint.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Recently I was reminded I live alone and my new favorite sleeping outfit...is...just some boxer shorts. Suck it dysphoria. Manly nightwear.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Pepper jack, Swiss, or ricotta. 

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Strawberry :3

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

I’m gonna sound so gay but when @disasterbikirito​ started laughing about a certain GIF and his laugh was so infectious I couldn’t help but laugh too. 

51. current stresses?

Are you shitting me it’s everything. Every. Single. Thing. I cannot breathe. I am having meltdowns. Someone fucking save me I cannot deal with COVID well.

52. favorite font?

Garamond for writing in my free time, Doulous SIL for all the linguistics IPA symbols my greedy heart desires. 

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Smooth but my fingertips have been gnawed on. I am stressed, okay?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Gosh, lots of things. But the most important takeaway is that a good boss will genuinely care about you. I miss that man. He was so wonderful and so caring and taught me so much about theater. Technical things and artistic things and historical things. Sometimes I wish I could have made a career out of working under him. 

55. favorite fairy tale?

Beauty and the Beast (AH...AH...I SEE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES BECAUSE I’M TRANS. I KNOW. I *KNOW*.)

56. favorite tradition?

It’s a family tradition kinda unique to my household. Each year, we draw a name from a hat, and that name comes with a lot of words that describe us and what we liked over that year. We then each take a $20 bill and we go to a little hobby shop with cheap things in it and use that $20 bill to fill a Christmas stocking. We then hang them back up and empty the stocking full of candies and random silly things and have a good laugh and guess who filled whose stocking. 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

The first one is coming to terms with knowing my dad has a severe illness. It really shook my family up, and it’s terrifying us right now with everything going on, but after a while, I learned that he was smiling, so I could smile, too.

The second one is my mother coming back from her tour in the Middle East on top of the murder of my godmother. Two very stressful things happened at once. My mother got very violent from her PTSD and her best friend died in a horrible way. It was an adjustment for everyone, and it kind of ripped my family to pieces. I can say, though, that my parents are still married and are getting better, and my sister and I are coming back to the family to be more open and healthy.

The third, and maybe some of my followers are aware, was getting rid of my ex-fiance. He was a man who sexually assaulted me repeatedly and I won’t go into details beyond that. It took me 5 years to get rid of him and accept what happened, but I am a much happier person now and while I work through the trauma that caused me, I have the most wonderful partner by my side and if you had told me back then I’d find someone as kind and patient and loving as him, I would have laughed and thought you were insane. 

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Probably what I put on all my fanfic updates: “I know. I’m an asshole.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Some kind of shoujo romance but it’s bi also I want a sword.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

There was nothing more smartass than Alice Synthesis 30 in SAO 18 asking a reporter to open up his head and prove he was human I’m sorry like OOF-

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Get in losers, we’re playing Steppin’ Out by FLOW, Elle me dit by Mika, Blue by Eiffel 65, ADAMAS by LiSA, and Touch Off by UVERworld.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

I was on Webkinz more than I want to admit. 

65. any permanent scars?

Yup. I have one on my toe where I split the skin in half. I tripped. I have three surgical scars from when I had my appendix removed. And...the mystery scar. I was supposedly born with a scar it’s at the part where my foot meets my leg on my left side and you can see how it’s stretched over the years if you run your finger over it. The joke is that the doctor taking out my mom’s appendix scratched me in the womb. 

67. good luck charms?

Not really a charm but I do have a little Kirito keychain I carry everywhere I go that I fiddle with when I’m nervous.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Artificial bubblegum. Disgustiiiing.

70. left or right handed?

I am right-handed.

71. least favorite pattern?

Zig-zags. 

72. worst subject?

History...I am ashamed. It’s interesting, I just suck at it.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Gingerbread and marshmallow. I am a bit picky about mixing foods and flavors, so this was the weirdest I could think up. 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

Can you hear that? It’s my hysterical laughter. 12 on a scale of 10. I get up there pretty frequently. Thank you, chronic crippling pain. 

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I...I don’t remember...I don’t even remember...I think I had to be like what...kindergarten? 

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

THIS IS CRUEL I LOVE ALL POTATOS I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH-Au gratin.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Aloe!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Coffee from a gas station. Mark my words...I will never get grocery store sushi. Ever. Again. My stomach has not forgotten. What a mistake. That was. 

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

So, my driver’s license hasn’t had an updated photo since I was 15 and just had a learner’s so I look like I want to murder a man but my school ID I had just run about a mile in the cold because the bus wasn’t running that day and my face is red and I look like I’m crying...probably the school ID...

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones~~

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I am from the South and we call ‘em lightnin’ bugs.

82. pc or console?

Errrrr console. I’m not a gamer by any means but there’s way fewer things to press on a console controller. 

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Neither...what...no...neither...they will put me to sleep...I will be out in seconds...the most dangerous things...people talking...and then I’m out...

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, she’s a LOT easier to dress. Those rubber clothes. SMH.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies but they gotta be the soft ones.

87. your greatest fear?

Being swallowed in the ocean. By a fish or a whale. I don’t play. Church kid don’t play with big things in the ocean with big mouths.

88. your greatest wish?

To make enough of a difference in someone’s life that they learn to love themself.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Such a selfish thought...gosh...the mere thought of prioritizing someone troubles me. 

90. luckiest mistake?

Telling a cute guy sending me dog pictures was an excellent flirting technique as he sent me pictures of his puppy. I immediately thought “oh god I’ve fucked up bad” and at present we’re kinda head over heels for one another so maybe just be stupidly blunt once and a while you might find true love. 

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes. My cat didn’t force me to say that. Not at all. Sock, buddy, off the keyboard-

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight. I like the sun. The sun is my friend. It is warm and would never betray me.

93. nicknames?

Sister calls me “spoony” when she’s being ridiculous. No, I don’t know what that means. Mama calls me “cakes.” I had friends who called me “Deku” because I’m a crybaby. Had a few people DM me and straight up call me “Eugeo” or “Eug.” AJ is technically a nickname. 

94. favorite season?

Springtime!!!!! It’s...HERE!

95. favorite app on your phone?

I use like three apps...so Discord.

96. desktop background?

It’s. It’s Kirito and Eugeo. What did you expect.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Mama’s, dad’s, mine, and my parents’ house number. And does the emergency 911 count (pahahaha). 

(I answered the others in delicateeuphoria’s ask!)

[comicteaparty]

March 28th-April 3rd, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble   chat that occurred from March 28th, 2020 to April 3rd, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

How many hours do you work on your comic per week, and how do you manager to balance that with other responsibilities?

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

heheh So we are.. cheating a bit Both me and my coworker are unemployed, and is working on hour comic, like was it a full time job. It is our passion project, and dream that we can work and live of makeing comics. In Denmark you can apply for grants from the government, but you need to have releashed a book before that is possible. We are useing the comic, to show potentional clients in the future what we can do. For now we are working on it from 09:00-17:00 ish (with a long lunch break) while applying for other kinds of grants, and also does all the things we are supposed to to get our unemplyment money, and searching for jobs, and freelance gigs, gathering the courage to start our own small company (not right now though) and yeaah time will tell

carcarchu

@Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS that doesn't sound like cheating to me? more like using the tools at your disposal to turn your passion into a viable career

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

hehe it feels a little like cheating! there are some debates about if it is okay or not, but we think that strengthening our skills is a good use of our time

eli [a winged tale]

Haha also not cheating! It’s great you’re using the time to chase the dream I’m curious what’s your breakdown for those time working on the comic? As for me, usually 1-2 hours a day with a bit more on the weekend if time permits. These days with the quarantine it’s about 2-3 h a day

DanitheCarutor

Since I'm unemployed until who knows when I've been working on my comic between 40-50 hours a week about 6 to 7 days a week... most weeks. Some days, like update day or chore day, I hardly work on the comic or don't work on it at all. Admittedly I'm not the best at balancing drawing with other responsibilities, sometimes I get so into it that I forget about daily house chores, other weeks I do the opposite and only do house chores which makes me totally behind of comic stuff. I can't seem to find a good middle ground, it always turns into completely focusing on one or the other.

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah when I get in the zone, time flies and life gets put to the wayside

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

So I have no school or work, so the webcomic has become almost a fulltime project for me

I average about 10 hours per day working on it, not counting on chores and exercise

Another thing I worry about is the possibility of carpal tunnel syndrome, which is why I've been relentless with exercise, too

I guess it's just a combination of relentless reminders and also sheer willpower that gets me to do other responsibilities haha

@eli [a winged tale] also I know that feeling

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

So since my school had to cancel, I have to be more responsible for my online course. Sometimes I give myself 2 days off each week to work more into my upcoming webcomic but I have to switch my mind for school work, online classes. Also extra time for food. I need to get back into exercise or I feel exhausted more easily. I keep a wall schedule so that I make it a routine to write what I'll do every 3 or 5 days, to keep my active brain reminded(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I spent the majority of last year (fun)employed (partially by choice, partially not! my previous job let me go rather unceremoniously... and I needed a hiatus anyway... so it worked out) so I poured a lot more hours into that chapter of Phantomarine than I usually did. I worked on it almost every day - at least for a couple of hours, but sometimes up to a full eight-hour day. That number has dipped tremendously since I’ve gone back to work, but I’m spreading the same amount of time out in a broader way. I’m trying to get a good buffer during my hiatus, so I can work and draw in a healthy balance. I don’t have crazy overtime at my current job like I did at my last one, so that’s already a comfort. I’m confident I’ll be able to hit a good stride once the comic returns in June (edited)

eli [a winged tale]

Can’t wait Lady!!

Feather J. Fern

Two part time jobs, and school killed my comic, but I been working on getting one panel done a day, which is around 30minutes to an hour if possible.

eli [a winged tale]

My routine used to be rendering on the commute but now just once in am and once pm until this limbo time is clarified

That’s awesome Feather! It’s so rewarding when everything comes together after putting effort everyday

Feather J. Fern

Once school is done in two more weeks I will be more free to do things so I hope to get maybe two panels done in a day XD

Online school, stupid quarantine

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Due to the pandemic im mostly off school and my part time job so i spend like 4-5 hours on my comic per day. Still would like try to get a page done per day but lmao digital painting is slowwww

eli [a winged tale]

What’s everyone’s tips for breaks/stretches/balance? I feel like I certainly need to revisit these to avoid burnout and continue feeling motivated!

Feather J. Fern

Actually there was a cool manga artist who's tip was literally he only worked working hours. His mornings are free and since manga was his job, he worked form 12-6, giving him 2 hours to do other work he needs to get done, and takes morning walks and stuff.

Another person I know had "No working weekends" as a thing becuase they are a freelancer.

I personally have try to make sure I ahve a routine, and actually, stretch before drawing.

Streetch before, during a break, and then after, to keep that body nice and warmed up

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Health-wise there's this hing for your : every 20 minutes, look at something 20 feet away for 20 seconds. I'm not good at following this, but when I do it, it helps a lot.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Despite the current pandemic, my work-life hasn't changed much (unless you count stress getting in the way). I am currently "unemployed," but I do consider comicking my full-time job. I am also not very good at balancing work and life. Something's always gotta give. Last year, I worked at a job that basically ruined my ability to work on my comic. I worked 30-40 hours typically, ruined my sleep schedule, took work home sometimes, and was constantly exhausted. This is what resulted in my year and a half long hiatus, and it's what drove me to work like hell on my comic when I quit. Now (when I'm in the groove and not suffering from art block), I typically spend 60-70 hours on my comic and get 2-3 pages done: - 30 hours sketching (I know, ridiculous) - 5 hours filling in base colors - 20-25 hours painting - 5 hours adding text, speech bubbles, sfx, and finishing touches - 1-2 hours formatting for Webtoon I also spend some time throughout the week typing up the script, doing concept art for things coming in the future of the comic, and preparing for conventions, but I can't tell you exactly how much time.

eli [a winged tale]

Thanks for the breakdown! I’m always keen to learn from everyone and seeing how the workflow is like for different people

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

oh don't forget to do wrist stretches!

eli [a winged tale]

Ahh formatting time is always so tedious for me!

Yes wrist exercises! Any recommendations?

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

hmmm well the easiest one is literally just shaking it out

like every hour

and I also like to hold my arm out parallel, point my fingers up and using my other hand to pull the fingers back so i'm stretching the wrist

then I point the fingers down and pull on the fingers until my wrist is stretching

eli [a winged tale]

Awesome. Will be adopting those!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I'm pretty fast. 2-6 hours per page, depending on how detailed it is. Average of 3-4. I could probably do 2 pages/ week easily enough, but don't want to do more than that. I'm the kind of person who always needs to be doing a million different things. I need to leave time for my other hobbies and my paintings and my academics and extracurriculars. Otherwise I'd get burnt out doing one thing only

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

@eli [a winged tale] So since it is both me and @Q (Wayfinders: Off Course) working, we start with working on a rough each, our goal is one step (so rough, ink, color) for two pages pr day, pr person. So in a weak the goal is four finished pages a week, and then we upload 3 pages per week. So it is divided that in the morning we start at 09:00 in the morning, maybe checking mail, being practical or whatever. Then we work until 12:00 were we eat lunch, go for a long nice walk and then we go back to work between 13:00 and 14:00 ish and then work until 17:00 when we begin to prepare dinner. Then of course breaks inbetween

Q (Wayfinders: Off Course)

It’s pretty wild to be able to dedicate your entire day to comics like that

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

damn you all work fast

do you guys have any tips on how to work on a webcomic faster?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Lol, I wish!

Still looking for those magical secrets

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

@shadowhood (SunnyxRain) You know the 80-20 rule? You can get 80% of the result with 20% of the effort? My comic is very messy if you zoom in. I don't spend time making sure the linework or the coloring is perfectly clean. Also, I'm pretty fast at drawing figures. I used to practice figure drawing a lot by rushing to draw strangers irl before they moved, or by drawing a bunch of fast figures from the free figure drawing model websites online. I've also taken a figure drawing course (didn't even have to pay because it was part of my university! Even if you don't have that option you can probably find free life drawing sessions on Meetup or similar!) which really helped me streamline my process for drawing people

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh I see! Yes, I used to take life drawing classes too! And your response makes me feel a lot better

I tend to be a bit messy with inking, and since i'm a perfectionist a lot of my time is wasted on editing/clean up

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I've seen cronaj draw, and while I think the results look excellent, I think her method is a kind of inefficient. She draws like a printer, nearly finishing one detailed body part before moving on the the next. I think maybe if she drew in a more classical way, going from a gesture drawing to progressively more detailed, it might help her be faster and her poses more cohesive and dynamic. Maybe working on 1 or 5 min figures would help? Practicing things like this?

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah I try to do figure practices for efficiency

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I heard that there are some online life drawing vids you can follow too

but what are your experiences with online life drawing vids versus the real thing

like is there a real difference?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

found some of my old 1 minutes

To me there's not too much difference

I've heard some people say that life drawing is either way easier or way harder though. Because of your depth perception when looking at a real person

But the bruises on my legs can attest to my horrid depth perception haha. That might be why I don't notice a difference

Actually those previous sketches might be 30 seconds? I don't remember

I would recommend you try both but right now we pretty much only have the online option haha

eli [a winged tale]

Yeah I’ve done both and I think irl creates complexity with depth and the interactions with others etc is helpful but online is my go to for flexibility

I think having a process streamlined will make things more efficient. The downside is that it might feel tedious and I do switch it up from time to time for variety

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Might feel uncomfortable but that's how you know you're improving

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

There is a TON of difference for me. I HAVE to look at a physical model in front of me.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Can't get better if you always do the same things

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

This is what my brain does.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I wonder- could drawing yourself in a mirror be a decent substitute?

If youre lucky you might also be able to ask an SO or roommate to model for you. Should probably pay them back by cooking for them or something though

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Brain: sees a real model in front of me Brain: translates 3D to 2D, result: drawing Brain: sees a photo/video of a model Brain: SHIT. That's supposed to be 3D, isn't it? Brain: Translates 2D to 3D (basically re-constructing it in my head, or attempting to re-construct) so that it can translate it back to 2D Brain: BSOD

There's some online resources out there that have "3D" photos... you know, two near-identical images side by side, so if you look at it cross-eyed, it becomes 3D?

But I can't do those because I get a headache X'D

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Just thinking about drawing from that makes me dizzy

eli [a winged tale]

Oh interesting!

Yeah maybe looking out the window to draw people would be the way to go...

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

But maybe figure drawing in VR exists?

eli [a winged tale]

Balcony figure drawings

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I live on the top floor so those are going to be some very small figures

eli [a winged tale]

For ants

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Once this coronavirus thing is over, there's lots of ways you can do gesture drawings from just random people -- bus stops, cafes, museums (I have not done this, but people who have done this report this is really good because others assume you're drawing the artworks. XD)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I've done this a lot

Sometimes I've even shown people drawing of themselves if they've turned out particularly nice

They've always taken it well

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I like drawing my professors because they use hand gestures a lot when they talk

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Airport was REALLY good for finding people stuck in one pose indefinitely

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

they alwayas laugh when I show them

eli [a winged tale]

Shadow omg I do that too

Draws classmates

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

yeah the only issue i have with drawing classmates

is that they're always doing the "i'm using my phone" pose

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Become the master of drawing people on their phones

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Maybe try drawing children on the playground?

This works better if you're a woman

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

oh thank jesus

I also like going to the zoo or the museum

or the aquarium if i'm feeling adventurous

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I am a University student so I also have some pretty interestng drawings of people asleep in weird poses

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I really need to start going to weekly figure drawing sessions once this is over (there's one here... 20 min drive... 8AM Saturdays )

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

ditto or just go to the park and draw

and @Eightfish (Puppeteer) I've had some.....weird poses from all my profs

one guy was incredibly hard to draw; he was VERY enthusiastic about showing us knife skills

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The parks here are too spacious, to a degree where it's weird to get close enough to people

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Bring binoculars

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Don't worry ma'am I'm an artist

nothing sketchy

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

(except my sketch)

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

A+ pun right there

another place to go for figure drawing

theaters

like.....opera/plays

I once tried drawing the men dancing in the Newsies musical

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Tried that once, but it took me out of the performance

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

same i was dazzled by dancing men

aaaaand then i abandoned sketching at all when they started throwing newspaper strips into the audience

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

But they were giving you free paper!

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

THEY WERE

i'll take what i can get

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@Eightfish (Puppeteer) While I agree that my method of drawing is "inefficient," I do not draw like a printer. There are videos of people drawing like a printer and it's not what I'm doing. I have done gesture drawing before, but it always looked incredibly abstract, and not quite like people, which is fine, but not what I'm going for. I treat gesture drawing like a warm-up exercise. It doesn't really do anything for my end result, but gets my drawing muscles stretched out.(edited)

eli [a winged tale]

Gesture drawings are definitely a good warmup!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Perhaps it was an inappropriate analogy. What works for me I guess wouldn't work for everyone. I was trying to offer advice because whenever you talk about how much time you spend on art and you work life balance it's commendable but also dismaying. I hope you find something that works for you in the future

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Oh god.. I sometimes work 6 hours a day. I guess thats like 30 hours a week? Crazy to think about, it's like a full job

Oooh you guys are sharing figure drawings... I swant to show some of mine

Behold

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My figure drawing usually breaks down into like, medical anatomy study. I feel like I understand body shapes better by including the muscles & bones

carcarchu

ABS the most important figure study

Deo101 [Millennium]

ah figure drawing? I love figure drawing ^^

I do like a lot but this kinda thing is most of it

anyways as for the question at hand, I do a lot of different things for my comics weekly. My millennium pages take me 2-6 hours i would say, but I also have patreon things I need to do so I'd say i spend 10-15 hours on it a week. for my other comic, I spend about 6 hours an update, and it updates every other week. but honestly, all of my free time goes to assorted comics. If i'm not working on school work or chatting with people, I'm working on things for patreon, potential merch, or other comics I want to start sometime.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Oooh nice poses!!’

Deo101 [Millennium]

thanks!! I have a ton of gesture/figure drawings but these ones are my most recent that I have saved to my computer i think

10 minutes im pretty sure. very good for speeding up

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Those look really nice, good values

Deo101 [Millennium]

thanks ^^ I really hate working in charcoal honestly, it kinda always winds up hurting my body somehow, but its very quick sooooooo

kayotics

My answer for the prompt question has changed a lot since I started quarantine lmao... I used to do about 10 hours of work throughout the week on my comic page (usually after work, I have an office job) but ironically it’s gotten harder while I work from home. I’ve been struggling to find time since I don’t have a separation between work and home now, and putting the boundaries up of “I’m not always available” to coworkers is difficult.

Also on figure studies: they’re a great way to practice speed. I use the concepts of figure drawings all the time.

RebelVampire

@kayotics As someone who always works from home doing remote contract work, I have to say I think this is something a lot of people underestimate about work at home life. In that it's sometimes really difficult to establish boundaries with ppl and make them understand you aren't always available and also aren't gonna work billions of hours of overtime. So I'm sorry to hear that's affecting your comic work.

Shadowmark Productions

I work anywhere from 6-8 hours a day on comic stuff. That’s an average though. Sometimes I slack and need to pull all nighters to make up for it. Yes, I am terrible at time management. They say entrepreneurs are the only people willing to work 80 hours a week for themselves so they do not have to work 40 hours a week for someone else. I guess webcomic creators are the only people willing to work 80+ hours a week so that they can... go to work for someone else afterwards

AntiBunny

4 days of procrastinating, 1 of procrastinating and hating myself, and 2 of actual comic drawing seems to make up my weekly comic making schedule. :p

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can only imagine how stressed I would be if I forced myself to update weekly

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

This is a hard question to answer because it varies a lot depending on my energy levels. Ideally I’d spend several hours a day on comics, but realistically I draw as much as possible when I have the energy (5+ hours a day for as many days in a row as I can handle it) and then go weeks or months too tired to do comics. On average, barring any long periods of exhaustion or other interruptions from RL, I spend about 20+ hours a week making pages for my comics.

sagaholmgaard

I prefer to work on my comic for about an hour ever morning and maybe 2-3 hours in the evening, that's the ideal routine for me. Right now I sadly have a lot of schoolwork to do (writing my thesis) so i might get less than 30 minutes in the morning and then feel rlly tired in the evening so I dont get as much time then either. but oh well!

I can still work for 4-5 hours on the weekends so I manage ^^(edited)

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

The whole stay-indoors order's currently completely wrecked my pattern, but before that I did between 3-4 hours a day.

Shadowmark Productions

Can’t imagine the stress of a daily or even weekly posting schedule. Hats off.

[conartister212]

FIRST POST, FIRST POST

So in an effort to prove to myself that I can write (somewhat) on a (again, somewhat) regular schedule, I have hereby opened up ye olden Tumblr account. Call it a christening, call it me being dramatic--my middle name--call it whatever, but here! *throws this post at you* Have a taste, dear new-blog. I hope we have fun together. 

Smith dragged me down the hall by the hand with an impressive (obviously determined) grip, given how sweaty my hands were. Light from the moon filtered into the abandoned hallway through the windows that lined it. The urge to grab onto one of the lockers that made up the opposite wall was nearly insurmountable—I kept myself from doing that because I knew that, despite my face that had to be beet-red by that point, the only one that could save Smith if something went horribly wrong was me. More than that, even today I’m probably the only one willing to save him from his own antics. 

“Oh, come on, you gigantic baby,” he said, just as I was reminding myself why I was still here. “You would willingly go through your entire college and high school careers without doing anything reckless or stupid. What kind of a life is that?” 

I rolled my eyes, and settled into an icy stare at the back of his blond head. “A life where I’m able to get a job and do things besides pay a debt to society. You know, the kind of life I try to make sure you end up having, too?” I retorted. 

“Bah, there’s only danger if they catch you,” he said while shifting the olive green rucksack to fit better over his other shoulder the sound of metal and paint tinkling in the otherworldly silence, “The trick is to scope out the best spot, and always leave early.” 

“Yeah, and how much practice do you have with ‘scoping out the best spot’?” My voice had more of a bitter edge to it than I meant for it to have, but at the same time, final exams week would start the next day. It wasn’t like I had signed myself up for an easy semester in a breezy community college somewhere—university was expensive, and I was determined to keep my scholarships so that my parents didn’t have to pay for me. Smith Yaeger always had things come easy to him—it blew my mind how flippant he always was about it, with a new stunt plan nearly every other week. 

“Enough to know that even if we get caught here,” he raised a finger with his free hand that had adjusted his rucksack, “There’s nothing the school can throw at us since it’s neither anyone’s property (technically), and,” he raised the second finger, “It’s a hunk of junk just lying around anyway, so no one really cares about it.” Well, that had my curiosity. 

“Then why are we doing this? I thought this was about making a ‘statement’?” I reached up a hand to my forehead, and pulled it away wet. I hadn’t realized how humid it was, but we were in Houston, Texas. Of course it was humid. (The only two describing characteristics of Houston are wet, and green.) 

He stopped, then, and looked at me. “Wait a second,” he said, the look in his green eyes more serious than he had all week. “Do you not know what we’re doing here?” 

“Um, I thought we were spray painting a wall, or something… Am I wrong?” I mean, I hadn’t read his “dossier” (which still felt like an overly dramatic term for “file full of documents on the computer” but I guess it was important to him) but I also was incredibly busy this past week, again, with studying for the LSAT and my other pre-law and business classes. 

“My friend, my brother in shenanigans, my dearest companion, partner in crime, and geek-I’ve-known-the-longest. You could not be more wrong. I would not drag you hear, at nearly 12:00 midnight in all black clothes—literally the most uncomfortable track clothes I’ve ever worn in my life in the middle of a summer night—to get caught defacing public property. This is the university that we both go to, and as such, we both know how ridiculously stupid it would be to incur the wrath of the people to whom we owe a debt that will largely be stuck with us a great portion of our adult lives anyway. Literally, the price of this damn school is exorbitant, but that is not necessarily my point. Did I or did I not tell you to read the dossier?” His dumb (that was my inner tantrum speaking) green eyes narrowed at me, and I shrugged because I already told him I likely wouldn’t have time for this. He sighed loudly and I shushed him for it, to which he gave me back a noncommittal wave of his hand. 

“Okay,” he said. “I guess I’m going to have to give you the details here, then.” I wanted to mutter back that he should have just done that in the first place because he knew I’d be here anyway. Someone has to keep saving his ass. I didn’t though, mostly because that would’ve just stalled him, and I desperately wanted to get back to bed as soon as possible. (Not that I had classes until late afternoon tomorrow, but still. I wanted to study in the morning.) 

“Go ahead, but tell me while we walk,” I said. 

I followed after him as he started moving again. “Houston has this museum called ‘The National Museum of Funeral History,’ okay? It’s been around for a while—since 1992, to be exact—and they have exhibits for everything from coffins from Ghana to the caskets of some U.S. Presidents. The point is, they’re super cool, and they have a truly impressive amount of neat history about dying and the dead from different cultures. So what is the problem, you may ask?” He turned around a looked at me as we rounded a corner and started descending the stairs to the gym. “They’re trying to close it, and asked the school’s anthropology and marketing majors to make a billboard rough draft, of sorts, to advertise closing ticket prices to try and get more people interested. This is a government-started, largely government-run facility, mind you. They’ve just decided in recent years that they don’t want it around anymore and are going to donate the exhibits to different locations.” 

“What a shame,” I said with an eyebrow raised. Smith always did have a flair for the super weird. “So what are we spray painting tonight?” 

“The billboard prototype, of course,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. We had reached the double doors to the gymnasium at that point, and Smith dug his hand into the large pocket of his track pants and pulled out the key ring we had used to get into the building and picked out the right key. He shimmied it into the lock, turned it to the right, and opened the door. 

“You know,” I said, stifling a yawn, “It’s a really good thing our school hasn’t opted to put up security cameras around campus yet, or this whole thing could’ve been screwed from the start.” 

Smith made a noise that sounded almost like an angry sheep bleating and said “I hope that day never comes. It’d be like paying to go to prison! Why do I need to pay to be seen going everywhere?” We both knew that wasn’t the point, but I didn’t feel like arguing him on it. 

The gymnasium was a large room, a lot like you’d expect, with rows of bleachers, though all on left side of the really long room and the opposite side had a couple of doors where the storage closets were. Smith walked towards the doors, producing a second key from his pockets and I wondered to myself how he always managed to make these things work out. Honestly, it’s as if it weren’t a problem for him at all to just ask the janitor for his keys. Inside the storage rooms, just as Smith said there would be, was a large, long poster stuck to a canvas. Perfect for spray painting. 

Two hours went by as I watched him, then three. Around 4:30 AM (according to my watch) Smith stepped back to look at his handiwork. Even I had to admit it was impressive looking. In spray painted letters that were more… ornate (?) than I would have thought possible,  the sign said “Respecting the Dead Means Respecting the History of Our Dead” with a side profile of Abraham Lincoln in space. I stumbled over next to him—I was probably about five minutes away from falling asleep on my feet. That was when something odd happened, though. 

As we stood together, admiring his poster (I’m not sure what I would have thought about it had I been more awake, thinking about it now) an odd glow filled the room. It was bright, but neither of us could identify the source. Clearly, it wasn’t coming from the door or the lights above us, that had been on the whole time. As we looked around, I remember I heard a voice. It sounded like it had come from everywhere—I couldn’t pin it to the left or the right of me, it was just there, and it said, very clearly, “Thank you.” 

Smith and I turned around then to see two men floating in the air. One looked straight out of an American history book—one of the early settlers in complete costume—and the other had a pallid look to his tan skin that made him look gray and was wearing a mostly plain white robe with a colorful collar. I don’t think either Smith or I had ever run faster in our lives. If anyone else had seen us that night, I’m sure we probably looked ready to wet ourselves. All I really know is that Smith never brought up another “activity” having to do with the dead, and I never asked (not that I would have anyway, but you get the point). 

[copper-wasp]

Noctis Lucis Caelum x Reader: Kisses (Part 4/?)

From an ongoing series of short one-shots regarding kissing our favorite pretty boy quartet.

Also posted to AO3

Rated: T

Words: 2091

The water felt great on your feet as they dangled from the dock. You leaned back on your hands, closing your eyes to the fading sun as it began its descent below the horizon. It was warm on your cheeks, it’s light having brought out your freckles from basking in it all day. It was your last night here before you had to drive back to Insomnia and continue with your duties.

Gladio and Prom were huddled around the campfire, while Iggy and Iris prepped the s’mores. Noct was walking toward you, two bottles of beer in his hands. He handed one to you, having already removed the cap, and you clicked the bottle against his before taking a long sip.

“You look comfortable,” he commented, sitting cross legged next to you.

“I could probably stay here forever if you let me,” you replied, setting the bottle on the worn wood.

He chuckled, “I don’t think any of us can afford that luxury... but it is pretty nice out here, away from the city.”

“It is,” you agreed, running your finger over the condensation forming on the bottle.

“Hey, thanks for coming with us this weekend. I know the Marshal keeps you busy most of the time.”

You chuckled, taking another sip. “Yeah, he does, but honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, after all.”

“Oh jeez, now you sound like Ignis.”

“Is that a bad thing?” you asked, cocking your head to the side as you looked at him.

“I can barely handle one Iggy. I think I’d die if there were two,” he replied with a laugh. “I’m sorry we haven’t had much time together, you know, to hang out,” he added, running a hand through his hair.

You pulled your feet out of the water, tucking your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around yourself. “It’s all right, I know how popular you are,” you replied, looking down at the surface of the water, watching the little ripples your feet left as they exited widen until they merged with the rest of the calm water.

You could see Noct looking at you in your periphery as he absentmindedly brought the bottle up to his lips.

“It’s not polite to stare, Highness,” you said sarcastically, turning to smirk at him. You thought he’d look away, but he kept his gaze on you, deep blues looking right into your eyes.

“What if I can’t help but stare at beautiful things?” he replied softly, moving himself incrementally closer to you. You opened and closed your mouth pathetically, trying to come up with some sort of comeback, a witty remark to deflect his attention elsewhere. He couldn’t know how you felt about him, could he? It was wholly inappropriate, a member of the Crownsguard lusting over the Prince, especially as you were three years older than him. But every time he’d look at you, or brush his fingers against yours when you handed him something, or smile and nod at you in passing, your stomach did a little backflip, always failing to stick the landing.

You thought about just sliding into the lake and letting yourself drown, but decided quickly that that may be a touch extreme (not to mention that you knew how to swim...). You were pulled out of your self-deprecation when you felt his fingertips ghost over your cheek; they were too soft and too warm, and now hurling yourself into the lake was looking even more tempting. His lips were centimeters away from yours when you heard Iris call out to you.

“Noct! Hey, [Y/N]! S’mores are ready for the fire!” she said, and you scrambled to your feet, power walking off of the pier and onto the soft grass. Luckily Iris has been standing too far away to see what had almost happened, and you breathed a guilty sigh of relief.

Listen, self. You cannot, and I repeat, cannot kiss the Prince; you can’t! Is that clear? you thought, claiming the empty seat between Gladio and Prom around the fire. You furrowed your brows, actively averting your gaze when Noctis rejoined the group.

“You okay?” Prompto asked, handing you a marshmallow already gored on a skewer.

“Fine, yeah. Just tired from all this doing nothing,” you remarked, grinning at him.

“Nothing is my favorite thing to do,” Gladio interjected, lowering his book to catch your eye. You chuckled at him, thrusting your marshmallow directly into the flames. The only acceptable way to roast a marshmallow was to make sure that baby was charred on the outside, making it gooey and delicious in the center.

Iggy, horror-struck at your treatment of the marshmallow, argued with you for a solid three minutes about how you were just burning it and there was no way it tasted better than his perfectly golden brown one, until Prom agreed with you, brandishing his own blackened ‘mallow before lovingly sandwiching it between the chocolate and graham crackers. Then Gladio agreed with Iggy and the whole thing started again. Iris wisely kept her opinion to herself, even when her brother tried to goad her into taking his side. Noct, on the other hand, wasn’t even bothering with the fire, literally just shoving marshmallows into his mouth ‘raw.’

Like a telepath, he managed to catch your eye every time your gaze meandered over to him, and you were glad that the orange glow of the fire was enough to camouflage your pinked cheeks.

After eating far too many s’mores, and unable to keep sitting there as if your body wasn’t screaming to be held by Noctis as he pressed kiss after kiss on your lips, you lamely excused yourself to the cabin to try to fall asleep.

After quieting your heart, you closed your eyes tight, eventually falling into a dreamless sleep.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to go to bed at 8:30 in the evening, as you fell out of sleep a couple hours later. Holding your wrist over your head, you saw the glow of the hands on your watch resting on 12:47. Groaning, you switched positions, then switched again, and once more for good measure before giving up and extracting yourself from the bed.

You crept to the front door as quietly as you could, only stubbing your toe once on the coffee table, cursing under your breath, before gently twisting the handle and stepping out into the night. Some of the daytime heat had dissipated, but it was still balmy and pleasant.

You wandered back over to the pier after grabbing a lantern from around the fire, sitting down on the edge and dipping your feet into the water once again. The moon was bright, casting a glow on the placid surface and you took a deep breath, still faintly smelling the burning wood from the campfire.

You leaned back on the dock, trying to find as comfortable a position as you could on the hard planks, your eyes darting around the night sky, playing connect the dots with the stars.

You heard soft footsteps from behind you on the pier, knowing immediately who it was.

“Good evening, Highness,” you said, sitting up, but not looking at him. “Or I guess I should say good morning?”

Noctis sat next to you, his shoulder bumping against yours as he tucked his legs underneath him. “You know you don’t have to call me that, right? My name is just fine,” he replied.

“I know, but I have to remind myself who you are,” you said softly, tilting your head back to look up at the sky once more.

“Is that why you practically ran away from me earlier?”

“Shit, you really get right to the point, don’t you?” you sighed, pulling your feet out of the water and shaking them to try to get as much liquid off as you could.

“That’s not exactly answering my question, [Y/N].”

You glanced over at him, the lantern illuminating his striking features. You could see his hair was a mess, though, sticking up even more than usual at odd angles. The Prince must not be a calm sleeper.

“Yes, Noctis,” you replied, voice heavy with annoyance, wanting to bail on this entire conversation. “You’re the goddamn Crown Prince. I cannot kiss the Crown Prince. I can’t. I just can’t, okay?” You ran a hand through your hair, hating that there were angry tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.

“There’s nothing stopping us....” he said quietly, trying to take your hand, but you pulled it away, a sardonic laugh escaping your lips.

“Except my job, and my age, and oh, you know, you being the Prince.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” he said flatly, trying to get you to look at him. “I like you, I know you like me, why won’t you just let me kiss you?”

“Gods, Noct, of course I want that. I am always thinking about you... but we just can’t,” you said, your tone softening.

“I don’t care about what’s expected of me, okay?” he said, finally able to grab your flailing hand, quickly pressing your palm against his chest, right over his rapidly beating heart. “All I care about is how being around you makes me feel.”

You could feel your resolve crumbling. Your brain was frantically trying to mortar that brick wall back together, but your heart was a bulldozer.

“Noctis-“ you whispered, but were quickly silenced by his lips on yours. He brought his hands up to your cheeks, kissing you desperately, uncoordinated as he claimed your mouth with his. You slid the hand that was on his chest up to his neck, feeling his heartbeat even stronger there. Your other hand you hooked over his shoulder, bunching his shirt into your fist.

Once he felt your hands on him, he angled your head to press even closer to your lips, pouring every ounce of himself into it. Completely in sync, your tongues met, swirling around one another in tandem. You moaned softly into his mouth and he swallowed it, greedily drinking down all of your noises. He moved his hands to your waist, pulling you as closely to him as he could from your awkward sitting positions, lips not leaving yours for a single second.

You draped your arms around his neck, pulling back to suck in a breath before finding his lips again. You kissed for an embarrassingly long time, and when you parted, you were lightheaded and completely out of breath from his sweet oral torture.

“Oh, Noct,” you breathed, still as close to him as you could be. “Now I’m never going to be able to fall back asleep,” you finished, laughing softly.

You felt him caress his hands up your back, a shiver shooting down your spine. “Well, we’ve got this whole lake to ourselves... wanna go skinny dipping?”

You grinned, pressing a soft kiss to his soft lips. “That’s very inappropriate to be asking your bodyguard, Highness,” you teased, emphasizing the last word as you untangled yourself from his grasp. Standing up and facing away, you grabbed at the hem of your tank top, pulling it up and over your head in one fluid motion, exposing your naked back to him. You heard him choke on his spit, coughing a few times to try to clear his throat. Next went your shorts and underwear, pushed swiftly down over your hips, giving Noctis the full, unobstructed view of your backside. You stepped out of them, hearing him curse, followed by some scrabbling as he rushed to stand.

Looking at him over your shoulder, you saw him half way through tearing off his own shirt, his lithe, muscled stomach accented by the moonlight.

You elegantly dove into the water, squealing a little when you broke the surface, the temperature being a little colder than you expected. You looked back up at the pier, getting just a little glimpse of Noct’s naked form before he joined you, his cannonball splashing some water on your face.

He surfaced and immediately swam over to you, his hands finding your waist under the water. He pulled you close, humming satisfactorily as your breasts came into contact with his chest. He claimed your mouth in another intense kiss, feeling like his hands were touching and caressing every inch of your skin.

You brushed his dripping hair back off his forehead, kissing his temple as he held you in his embrace, both of your feet kicking to keep you above water.

Thank you for reading!!

Find me on:

AO3: copper_wasp

Twitter: copper_wasp_

[theglowstickchronicles]

FMLS90: catch up, plus getting ahead since I know this weekend will be super busy

12/18 - Do you have a regular sleep pattern? What time do you go to bed and wake up? Do you nap? 

So last year I took a Monday through Friday, 8-5 kinda gig. Prior to that I was working 3 days a week, 12 hour shifts, and would occasionally nap on my days off. Now I only get 2 days off (Saturday and Sunday) so I do not nap. The one outlier to this is if I flex my work hours and work weird hours... or am sick. I typically go to bed around 9-10pm, and am awake around 4:30-5:30. This week has been different since I worked weird hours, was sick, and it was a holiday.

12/19 -   Do you have any challenges that make getting sleep diffacult? Things like being a new parent, or shift work, or chronic pain? How do you deal with these challenges?

I've had bouts of insomnia in the past but otherwise no. I do keep melatonin on hand which doesn't necessarily put me to sleep, but does sometimes make it easier.

12/20 -  How Is your sleep environment ? Does it promote good sleep? Are there any changes you would like to make? 

No, I think my sleep environment is a good one. Nice big bed to myself, comfy sheets, more pillows than I could ever use, nice and quiet and dark. I would probably sleep in later if I didn't have cats who NEEDED to eat breakfast at 4:30am every day but such is life.

12/21 - Do you find yourself falling asleep when you don’t intend to? Do you have any other sights that you may not be getting enough sleep?   

Not usually! Occasionally I have a super boring meeting that I find myself drifting a little, or this week I was falling asleep on the couch (but again, sick) but usually I save it for bedtime.

12/22 -  If you could offer one sleep tip to the community, what would it be?

You really do have to find what works for you. My old college roommate needed sound, usually the TV, to fall asleep... I usually like quiet and darkness, though sometimes I'll play music. TV usually keeps me up.

12/23 - Share either your favorite or least favorite memory of 2019. If you would like, feel free and do both. 

My favorite and least favorite memories might be the same weekend. We went away to upstate NY with friends and had a great time playing games, drinking, going to a show, etc... but during that same weekend we went hiking and I just was so out of shape. That weekend is what prompted my foray into running.

12/24- Share a picture and or story from the beginning of the year and one now. Talk about what has changed over that time. 

Last spring the manager of the floor I am the educator on was out for 2 weeks (and then ended up leaving for a promotion but that's a different story). While she was out I was working 12 hour days, 5 days a week. The floor was floundering and I was right in the thick of it. This week the new manager is out all week for the holiday... and I've managed to leave right on time, if not early, every day. This is kind of sad but part of me realized that it's no longer my job to staff the floor or fill in for charge, and that this is just work; I only get paid for 40 hours a week, so anything after that is on my own time. No one on the floor is willing to come in on their own time, so I stopped spending so much of my own there. I can't say I'm totally perfect because I still spend over 40 hours there quite often, but it's nowhere near as much as it used to be.

12/25 - What did you learn in 2019? How can you apply that in the future? 

I learned a lot about what people are and are not willing to do for me, despite what I do for them. I pet-sit for some friends and make sure I feed, water, and play with their pets, including cleaning the litterbox; only one of them will reciprocate and watch my animals, and they drop down the bare minimum of food and leave. I asked to go to a cidery for my birthday and only 4 people came; my two closest friends left early for another birthday party in the family and asked for us to meet up at a bar to celebrate later that night. I ended up leaving early because I was tired but I didn't even get a "happy birthday", nevermind a free drink. I am willing to come into work at 4am to see night shift but they aren't willing to stay past 0730 for a 10 minute in-service. And I'm not saying I expect these things, but it did show me that just because I do something for someone doesn't mean I am going to get any form of reciprocation. I've re-evaluated how far I am willing to go for people and reigned it in, just a smidge. I used to go out of my way and sometimes even put myself at a disadvantage to do all of these things and now I've stopped doing that as much.

12/26 - How did your friendships and relationships change in 2019? Are you satisfied with this? What do you want to do to improve your most important relationships in 2020? 

2019 was a little rough with work friends because they literally almost all have kids now, so we don't go out aftrer work almost ever. Things have to be planned way in advance. I don't think my relationship with my best friend has changed, but also I don't think it needed to? We have a great friendship. My two closest friends in state changed a little since I realized that I was putting far more effort into the friendship than they were, and I toned it down a little.

12/27 - How did your habits change in 2019? Are you satisfied with this? What do you want to do to improve your most important habits in 2020?

I worked out more and ate better, but not great on either front. I have a plan for 2020 to fix this :)

12/28 - What is your theme for 2020? Describe how you would like 2020 to be in a word or sentence

Glow-Up

12/29 - What is one goal you have for 2020. What are you going to do to make it a reality? (We will revisit this in more detail next week, for now write a few sentences documenting the goal and high level approach to deal with it.)

Become more active!

I have a plan for this but basically I want to hit certain yearly milage goals, spin class goals, clean eating goals, outdoorsy goals... I have a whole process that I am just fleshing out at this point. For so many years I have dieted and exercised based on fads or certain diets (keto, AIP, intermittent fasting, etc).... but now I am trying to tailor my diet to my specific needs and wants. More to come on the subject :)

[stephhannes]

new year, who dis

what would be the use in becoming a symbol of walking desolation? awash in multiple griefs, elaborating on anguish. even if i never get to see you again, i’ll know that when we collided we both broke each other open. 

                                                   -mount eerie, love without possession 

i guess it’s been four months since i’ve sat down to write an actual blog. i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year. 

i’ve tried to write an update a few times over the last couple of months, but every time i tried to write something, it’s just aggressively sad. like that one st. vincent lyric— i try to write you a love song, but it comes out a lament. and while an aggressively sad tone is appropriate to how i’ve been feeling, i’ve been trying to bring less sad energy to the table. (a surprise to everyone, because sad energy is my entire brand). 

I planned to get this blog up by january 1st. and then i kept putting it off. hence why this starts off saying things like, “i guess it’s been four months,” and “i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.” today is february 4th, which means it’s officially been a year and a half since nathan died. 

in the last few weeks, i’ve been under a lot of stress. i’m juggling three jobs right now, and somehow still don’t make enough money to survive. i’m sure that at this point, i’ve described to you my bona-fide money saving technique. it’s called “i only eat three days a week because it’s too expensive to feed myself every day,” sometimes, i get lucky, and get the scraps from events at work, and that’s literally like the one (1) thing i look forward to. 

i’m still out here searching for a salary (and health insurance) and hopefully, by my birthday, i’ll have that. but we’ll see, the job search has been uhhh…..abysmal to say the least. 

anyways, in the midst of being stressed, i’ve realized that i really don’t think about nathan all the time like i used to. sometimes i’ll go like two days before i’m reminded of him. the other day, i was like “am i a bad person because of this?” and like, logically, i know that it’s totally normal, but on the other hand, i can’t help but feel guilty because of it sometimes. i feel a sense of responsibility to exist as a reminder of “hey, this person existed, and they mattered,” and while i realize that’s a huge weight to put onto myself, i feel like if i don’t, then who will? 

last night, i was reading house of leaves (which, despite owning a copy since high school, i’ve actually never read it before) and i found nathan’s bookmark (a ticket from a baseball game he went to right after he moved to new york) in it, from when i let him take a few of my books when he moved to nyc. i got weirdly emotional and was like “wow what a fun coincidence to find this item of nathan’s that i’ve never seen before in my life on the 1.5 year anniversary of him dying.” i’m not saying i’m superstitious, but maybe i am a little stitious. 

+++

since the last time i wrote a blog, i’ve kept notes on my phone every time something happens that i feel holds some sort of importance- so here’s what’s been in my notes since august 4th. 

august 24, 2019. 4:17am

when i went into work on august 5th, a coworker of mine asked how i was doing. i was doing alright. the anniversary of nathan’s death really didn’t hit me too hard. i assumed i would have a huge nervous breakdown, and i didn’t. 

then my coworker, who’d also lost a partner, told me, “i hate to sound negative and be the one to tell you this but the second year is a lot harder than the first.”

that’s what i’d been reading online for months, but to hear someone say it to my face i was just like… oh shit. 

and so far, the second year has been harder. 

i’ve officially been out on my own for a month now. 

the best part about having depression is that no matter where you are, you still have depression. i don’t know why i was expecting moving to just alleviate all of my sadness when i know that i’ll always find a way to be miserable wherever i am. 

it’s nice to be out of abilene and at least have the option of opportunity, but i basically just spend all of my free time asleep or crying. 

as the ancient oracle, britney spears, once said- “my loneliness is killing me.”

now that i’ve started getting into a routine, i’m starting to feel that hole in my life again. 

i’m on the same schedule that i was when i lived in new york, almost. 

when we lived in new york, i would leave for work around 4, i’d get home around 11:30, and then nathan and i would hang out until around 4am, and then go to bed. the next day, he’d usually wake me up at a normal time, (or at least 2 hours before i had to be at work). 

and now i have to leave for work around 4:30, i get home around 11, and when i come home i’m just alone. and i lay in bed until i’m finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, usually around 5am. and then i wake up ten minutes before i have to go to work. 

i have been feeling this deep, existential sadness for awhile now. every night, i lay in bed and think about all of the conversations i wish i could revisit with nathan. all of the things i wish i’d said. i relive all of my favorite moments of ours. i am still so desperate to feel close to him again. 

i cannot remember a time in my life when i was excited to wake up. i cannot remember a time when i looked forward to my future. in fact, when i think about my mental health as a child, the only thing i remember is one time when i was 12, my dad bought me tickets to see my favorite band. i was obviously so incredibly excited, and expressed the human emotion of joy, and my mother accused me of being on drugs because she’d “never seen me act like that before.” it was so surprising to her to see me happy that she literally thought i was on drugs.

i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember, except for the two years that nathan and i were together. i was still so depressed when we lived together, but for the first time, i was looking forward to the future. for the first time, dealing with my depression seemed worth it. for the first time, putting effort into getting better made sense.  

for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel alone. 

and it took a lot of effort on nathan’s part to make sure that i didn’t feel alone. the loneliness i’ve always felt is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. i actively choose to retreat from friendships and relationships. i stop responding to texts. i hide away and cancel plans. it’s my fault that i feel isolated- because i isolate myself. and nathan refused to let me do that. when i get stressed, i internalize everything and take it all on my own- and nathan would recognize when i was doing that and beg me to let him help. and i wouldn’t let him help. but he would still do it, because he knew what i needed without me asking and would just quietly provide it for me so that i wouldn’t lose my mind. and a lot of the time the help was just him actively sitting me down and reminding me that i’m in fact, not alone. i’ll never forget when i was so stressed after moving to new york because i was so poor, and nathan telling me that “it’ll be okay. we’ll figure it out.” i never asked him for money, or for help, because i have too much pride for that. but even when i was working, i was struggling to make ends meet for myself, and he would sneakily do things like go to the grocery store and be like “oh hey, i was at the store today and just picked up some chicken for you so you don’t have to go yourself.” there were a few times when i asked him to pick up something from the halal cart for me because i didn’t want to get out of bed and i’d be like “there’s cash in my wallet just grab it” but instead of taking the money from my wallet, he’d just get the food for me, and put the change he had leftover in my wallet for me to have.

but even past that, just emotionally, he’d always reassure me that i wasn’t alone. as soon as he started to sense me doing the thing where i try to isolate myself, he’d just cling to me even harder. 

here’s the thing: i’m too tired to fight for myself, and i don’t have anyone that’ll fight for me the way that nathan did. 

august 29th, 2019. 5:32pm

so here’s the tea: i went on a date for the first time since nathan died. i went out last night, got drunk, got on bumble and agreed to go on a date this morning. so yeah, i was aggressively hungover, which is maybe not the best version of me for someone to meet- but it’s the version i brought to the table nonetheless. and like, it was fine. well, up until the point he was trying to relate to me and my career in theatre and told me that his favorite musical is CATS. his favorite cat is the rum tum tugger, and he can’t wait to see the movie in december. 

it’s not going to work out. CATS is an abomination and i refuse to spend time with anyone who disagrees with that statement. 

on a more serious note: i realized that i definitely don’t have the emotional capacity to date. i just can’t bring myself to care about anything anyone has to tell me about themselves. you have two sisters, your parents divorced when you were 8 and and you love CATS? zzzzz….sorry, that was me blacking out for 7 minutes. 

y’know, i’m unsure about a lot of things in my life. like, don’t try to ask me what i want for dinner because i refuse to make a decision about anything. don’t ask me what my favorite movie is, or my favorite book. i have no idea, dude, sorry. BUT the one thing i have incredible clarity about is what i deserve in a relationship. i had impossibly high standards before nathan and i were together and now they’re even higher- but that’s fine when you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with scrubs to begin with. 

the other day, i found my journal that i kept in college. it starts in august of 2015, with the eulogy i wrote for my dad’s funeral. an excerpt: “despite me acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. i think that’s what i’ll miss the most. i’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. i’ll miss having someone who was always making sure i was happy…” and after reading that, i realized why my relationship with nathan was so successful. i’ve always heard that “girls always end up marrying someone like their dad” thing, and for the most part always chalked it up to weird patriarchal bullshit, but maybe there’s a little truth in it. because i definitely see some of my favorite things about my dad reflected in my favorite things about nathan. 

september 30, 2019. 1:09am

sometimes the saddest things must be sung. 

every time i try to write, it’s impossible to say anything that’s not just “i’m sad.” i haven’t been feeling great lately. i just feel trapped in this infinite loop of sadness and it’s so exhausting. i don’t like being like this. nathan would always get so frustrated with me when my depression was really bad, and i’d always be like do you think this is fun for me??? do you think i like being like this??? do you think i wake up and want to be a goblin??? newsflash my dude, i don’t. 

here’s the thing: when nathan first died, i was sad all the time. but it made sense. i had a reason to be sad all of the time. 

but i’m still sad all of the time. i wake up, i’m sad for 10 hours and then i go to bed. and then i wake up, maybe go to work, come home and be sad until bedtime. it’s a constant loop of sadness and i am so tired. 

nothing i do fulfills me. nothing satisfies me. i have neither purpose nor direction. i’m tired. and i’m sad. 

october 2nd, 2019. 7:34pm

i went to urgent care today- turns out i don’t have depression, i just have a torn ligament in my ankle. 

for context: i fell down the stairs at work the other day, crunched my ankle like it was an empty ozarka water bottle, and just wrecked my shit. i think this injury has me sadness spiraling a lot more than i normally do. now i get why nathan used to get so depressed whenever he’d injure himself.

the first time i got really sick after nathan died, i was so sad. this is my first ever really bad physical injury- i’ve never broken a bone or torn anything before, and i’m really feeling the loss of nathan right now. like how am i supposed to feed myself when i can barely walk to the kitchen? who’s supposed to remind me to take my ibuprofen every few hours? 

senior year of college, i kept getting strep, and the only reason i didn’t die is because every 12 hours nathan would call me to make sure i took my antibiotics, even when i had to take them at 2am. i only have two voicemails from him saved on my phone and literally one of them is from 3am and he’s like “hello wake up, your penicillin is calling, i’m gonna keep calling you until you wake up.” 

even though spraining my ankle was a nightmare, it could’ve been worse. just think, if i was a framing device in an emily bronte novel, i would have just had to live at work for five weeks until it healed.

october 11th, 2019. 5:37pm

i haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night i fell asleep around 6am. the cold front had just blown in and it was raining and i finally fell asleep. before i went to bed, i cracked my windows open for the first time this year and when i woke up this morning it was chilly in my room. i woke up in a little cocoon of all of my blankets and pillows and for a moment, before i completely opened my eyes, it felt like i was back in new york, waking up with nathan on a fall wednesday morning. it’s the little things.

october 25th, 2019. 2:19am

i keep thinking about all the things that have returned to me. all of the things that i gave to nathan that are back in my possession, tucked away in my room. like the grey ut shirt that was 3 sizes too big for me- so i gave it to him as a christmas present our first year together. he had been in new york for a semester, and he surprised me by coming to austin for new year’s- we hadn’t talked about christmas gifts or anything, but we ended up giving each other almost the exact same gift. he had gotten me a columbia sweater, and he slept in it for a few days before giving it to me, so it smelled like him. i did the exact same thing with that grey shirt. we couldn’t stop laughing when we exchanged the gifts because we were so amused that we’d gotten the same thing for each other. 

after he died, that shirt was one of the few that i kept of his, he slept in it all the time when we lived together. it still smells like him. 

i don’t wear my rings anymore, but when i see them in the bottom of my jewelry box, i think about the day that i gave him the engagement ring. he was so afraid of me saying no if he were to propose to me, so i told him that when i knew i’d say yes- i’d give him the ring i wanted him to use. on our first anniversary, i was visiting him in new york, right before i flew back to texas, i left a letter on his desk, with the ring attached. it returned to me a year after that, on our second anniversary when he proposed.

the day after nathan died, i went through all of his stuff. mostly because i knew i was about to fly back to texas and i didn’t know when i’d return to our apartment, so i wanted to collect all of his important documents that i didn’t want to lose. social security card, IDs, cards, passport, etc. but when i was digging through his backpack, i found a folder, where he’d kept all of the letters and cards i’d given to him throughout the years.

my personal favorite was an envelope that had two things in it: a sample size of the perfume that i’ve always worn, and a letter that just said “for when you miss me.” i gave that to him before we were even together. it was during that weird ambiguous era of our relationship where we were too afraid to commit, but were definitely in too deep to not commit. every time i would leave his apartment, he’d comment on how his pillows smelled like me, and how he missed me- right after he made his decision to go to columbia, we assumed we would never see each other again, so i gave him that letter. 

i was surprised to see all of those letters because that meant that he moved them from his apartment in abilene, to new york, to our apartment in new york, back to texas, and then to philly. 

so in turn, i moved them from philly, back to abilene, and now they’re with me in a box in austin. 

and i hope that one day all of the love that i gave to nathan will return to me. 

november 4th, 2019. 12:31am

in the deepest, blackest night of despair if you can get just one pinhole of light, all of grace rushes in.

november 19th, 2019. 2:20am

i’ve started taking up space again.

december 20th, 2019. 1:41pm

y’know, i’ve been doing pretty well for myself lately, and by that i mean that i haven’t had any major meltdowns. well, except for a couple of days ago. it was a christmas party, and as we all know- i’m not great at being social. but i also never turn down an invitation, which is a strange combination of things that happen to exist at the core of my being. but luckily, i got a plus one. see, with a plus one, i have a buffer there. i can bring one of my more interesting friends to carry conversations for me and then by proxy i become more able to socialize because i have to expend less energy by having that buffer there. anyways the person i was bringing as my plus one cancelled two hours before the event which meant that i had no time to try to get someone else to come with me. and this threw me into a major breakdown. i didn’t even want to go to the party at this point, but i had spent so much money on an outfit that if i didn’t go i would have wasted like 60 dollars. and i sat there trying to put makeup on to go but i kept crying and ruining it and then i chugged three white claws before even showing up at the party and i didn’t eat beforehand because there was supposed to be food there but by the time i was done crying and arrived, there was nothing left and then i drank 5 glasses of wine because it was free and i have social anxiety, and somehow i made it through the night without making a fool of myself, which is a miracle. 

the thing is, i really don’t get upset about a lot of things. but if someone cancels or changes plans on me, especially plans that we’d had set for at least a month in advance, i lose my god damn mind. there is historically nothing that upsets me more. 

but this time around, i realized that it really hurt me because it was the first time that i was confronted with the fact that i no longer have anyone in my life that prioritizes me. like, if nathan was begrudgingly my plus one to an event, he can’t get out of it- it’s non-negotiable. but like, i don’t hold that level of importance in anyone else’s life- there’s always something more important to them and uhhhhh that feeling sucks. 

+++

and that was the last note i wrote in 2019. which brings us to january 2020. when i think about my relationship with nathan, i feel like january always ended up being a special month for us. in 2016, january was the first time i ever spent the night with nathan. in 2017, nathan came back to texas to see me for the new year, after we’d been long-distance for five months. at the end of 2017, he went out of town for like three weeks, and i was miserable and all alone for the holidays, but in january 2018, his last day of vacation back home in abilene coincided with my first day of vacation back in abilene so we got to see each other for a little bit instead of having to go an entire month apart during the holidays. 

so i always end up getting weird and do a lot of reminiscing in january- but i feel like that’s kind of universal. 

like the #1 thing that everyone does is get all existential and contemplative when the new year hits. 

+++

in 2018, i never stopped moving. like a shark, i would have died if i stayed in one place for too long. and there i was in 2019, finally staying in one place.

it was a lot easier to ask for help when i had a reason to be sad. but now enough time has passed since nathan died that i feel like a burden when i’m not doing well. 

in my blog post wrapping up 2018, i said that my goal was to be kinder to myself. i also said that 2019 was going to be for starting a new life.

and while i’ve been no kinder to myself, at least i’ve made strides in living in this new phase of my life. in 2019 i moved out of my mother’s house, and back into my best friend’s apartment in austin. i got 3 jobs. i cut off all of my hair and pierced my nose. i started taking up space again. 

a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she had also lost a partner before. but what stuck with me was when she said, “you will never be the same. you’ll be happy again, and you’ll fall in love again- but you’ll never be the same person again”

and i’m realizing how true that is. 

i think one of the scariest scenarios is waking up one day and not remembering who you are. and that’s exactly what happened to me in 2018. i woke up one day without nathan and couldn’t remember who i was. 

one thing everyone’s been talking about lately is how this is the end of the decade, and i realized that nathan was in my life for the entire decade. he was in my life before the decade even started. and then when he died, i lost such a huge part of my identity. there’s a bear’s den lyric that’s like “i don’t want to know who i am without you,” and that’s what 2019 was for me.

kintsugi is the japanese art of fixing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold. i’ve always been a vase held by shaky hands, constantly on the precipice of shattering- and in 2018 i was dropped. in 2019, i’ve been finding tiny pieces of myself and trying to piece them back together to form a whole person again. 

recently, i’ve been realizing all of the little pieces of me that are missing. like the part of me that used to be good at holding conversations with people. and the part of me that had the ability to be a person for more than like 3 hours a day. and the part of me that showed excitement about things. i don’t even know what things excite me anymore? do i have interests or hobbies? not really. one time, i described myself as a robot that powers off if i am not at work, and wow, what an apt description.

the other day, one of my friends called me out about how she can never tell if i’m actually excited about something or not. my language is always very vague and even when i’m really stoked about something, i rarely show excitement about it. 

+++

so now it’s february 2020. it’s been a year and a half since nathan died. i’m feeling better. the other day, i came to the realization that i think my emotions have finally leveled off. i’m back to my normal amount of unstable, rather than that really virulent level that i was at for awhile at the end of last year. it feels good to finally have a little bit of control back over my life. i’ve finally really settled in at work, and i’m starting to feel more confident in my capabilities. 

so what are my goals for 2020? i think the biggest thing is to find something that i care about. honestly, probably a big part of the reason why i’ve been having such a hard time finding a Big Girl Job to settle into is because there’s just nothing that i’m 100% passionate about. it’s hard for me to find an answer other than “i’m just trying to not die,” whenever i get asked “so why do you want this job?” i really want to find lasting stability this year. i’m tired of not being able to enjoy anything because i don’t have money. whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously was never poor because let me tell you, i’d be a lot happier if i could afford to go out with my friends more often. or if i could like…….eat 3 meals a day without feeling guilty for wasting food because i know i can live on just one meal a day. 

i also started doing a skincare routine that involves like 4 different serums and i’ve been doing really well keeping up with doing it twice a day and if i could carry that energy through the rest of the year that’d be dope. i would make a comment about how i’ve been going to the gym every day and how i’m trying to have a 2020 glo-up but i was going to the gym every day for awhile but i haven’t been in like two weeks. 

also my chemical romance just reunited so i guess my other 2020 goal is to see them on this reunion tour.

[bluegrassbubblessoapandsund-blog]

I’m a LOUSY Blogger!

But Let’s Get To Improving That!

Well, obviously, I forgot for a while that I even had a Blog!  Shame on Me!  That being said, let’s start by Re-Introducing who I am, what I do and what we’re all doing here in the first place!

I am Melisa.  I’m 51 years of age and I have been married to my high school sweetie since 1988 and his name is David.  We’ve been together for 33 years in 2020.  David and I share three beautiful grown daughters, Brittany, Kymberly and Krystina.  We have six grandchildren:  Jessica is 11, Rebecca is 10, Katherine is 7, Joshua is 7, Annalyna is almost 3 and our newest is Zanora, born October 18th of this year.  We also have four “Fur-Babies”.  A Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix named Peanut (She’s almost 9 years old), a Papillon named Popcorn (She’s almost 5 I think!), her full blooded sister Caramel (If Popcorn is 5, Caramel is 4!) and our most recent addition is Bella (she’s about 5 too, I think)  Bella was my Mom’s baby.  My Mom passed away a few months after she got Bella.  At the time of my Mom’s passing, we didn’t want to give Bella away, and Krystina adopted her and loves her to death.  However, with the recent new addition of Zanora to the household and Annalyna being a normal 2 year old, Bella inevitably “nipped” at Annalyna.  So, we took Bella….for now.  Who knows, she might go back to Krystina’s house, only time will tell.

What do I do?  Well, I’m actually a trained Medical Assistant and Phlebotomist.  I worked for a handful of doctor’s in my native state of California after graduating from school.  One of my favorites was working at an Urgent Care facility where I got to see all kinds of illness and injury.  But the job I enjoyed the most, was working for the Chief FAA Medical Examiner of Los Angeles County.  I was in charge of the lab, ran all kinds of tests, took X-Rays as well as a myriad of other things.  I loved the patient interaction and helping people get and maintain the ability to fly, through their Federally Mandated Physicals.  However, David works in the Aircraft Industry, which at times, can have a high turn over rate, so you go where the jobs are (The main reason we’ve lived in 6 states throughout our marriage!) and we ended up moving to the state of Arizona from our home state of California.  After graduating school and working in my field in those offices, I eventually found work with the local school district my daughter attended as a substitute Health Office Technician.  After a couple more moves, and a couple health issues on my part, as well as the death of my Dad from throat cancer, we moved back to California to be closer to my Mom and Sister, Annette. Because of my love of cooking, during this time in California, I also attended Culinary Arts School.  However, my husband David was working in the aircraft industry and after 9/11 happened, unfortunately the jobs in that industry dried up and he had to find “side hustles” to make ends meet as he looked for other employment within the industry.  Then one day, one of the job applications he put in, panned out!  The Federal Aviation Administration called and offered a job, and he took it, which facilitated our move to the state of Kentucky where we had lived before when David was serving in the U.S. Army during Operation Desert Shield/Storm.  We had always said we loved Kentucky and had talked about retiring there, so THAT worked out well!

After moving to Kentucky, our two youngest daughters finished high school and our oldest daughter’s then husband, had joined the military and she came to live with us while he was doing some training.  She brought with her our Granddaughter Jessi and her pregnant tummy!  As my birthday approached, so did her due date, and on my Birthday (November 19), I took her to the doctor and they announced she was going to have a baby that day!  So, Rebecca (Nicknamed Reba!) was my Birthday Present that year!

During Brittany’s stay I ultimately had my first back surgery where I had a titanium cage installed and a fusion done.  At this point, I was no longer physically able to stand for 8 to 10 hours a day meeting the physical demands of the job I enjoyed.  So, I threw myself into my hobbies of counted cross-stitch, crocheting, reading, cooking and scrapbooking.

After living in the suburbs of Louisville for a couple years, we bought a house 30 miles away in the little town of Shelbyville.  By this time, Kymberly had moved back to California after graduating high school, and Krystina had just graduated.  Brittany had moved back with her then husband, out of state again. (😥)

Krystina moved out eventually and it was just David and I our dogs Rotunda (another Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix who was 12 years old), and our puppy, Peanut.  Kids and grandkids grew, families grew and, as most “empty nesters” David and I began to enjoy our time together as “just us”.  

Then, at a family get together (I actually don’t remember the date.  One of those “health issues” I experienced was a mini stroke when I was 30 years old caused by birth control pills and my morbid obesity at the time, they concluded.  Thus, the stroke obliterated my able to remember things as well as it use to!) I noticed that Reba was having, what I thought at the time was, dry skin issues.  I began to take notice and pay attention to the things with other family members and their skin.  ( I guess that was Medical Assistant in me!)  I was trying to figure out what was causing the problem for her because she complained that the patches itched and sometimes hurt.  Around the same time, David had to have major surgery.  He was diagnosed with an Acoustic Neuroma.  It had attached itself to the working parts of his ear, his facial nerves and his brain stem.  Ultimately, they removed all but a very tiny piece of the Neuroma as well as all of the workings of his ear, so he became completely deaf in that ear, and had a second surgery to install a Cochlear Implant.  As he was healing from that, he neglected to shave and I noticed that he, too, was getting these dry, flaky, itchy patches where his mustache would grow.  And the research began in earnest!

Because I am a redhead (As is Kym, Reba, Annalyna and we haven’t figured out if Zanora is or not!), I have struggled with sensitive skin issues since I was a kid.  I never got a “tan”, I got “pink”, “lobster red” or obtained more freckles.  As I got/get older, I develop(ed) more and more sensitivities to things like laundry detergent and shampoos/conditioners.  So, using my own experiences the first thing I looked at was laundry detergents.  From there I looked at the shampoo/conditioner, and from there it lead me to the “soap” we used in the shower/tub.

The information I was gathering was quite interesting and little shocking, to say the least.  Since I was a kid, I remember seeing commercials on TV about how actual “soap” was bad for the skin, that using XYZ Brand of this or that was more “moisturizing” and better for your skin.  These commercials through my youth, told me that using “soap” was drying, contributed to wrinkles as you age, leaves a “film” on your skin, makes your tub/shower have excessive “soap scum”, etc., but as I was researching, what I found astonished me.  Especially since the TV told me how bad actual SOAP was!  

My first thought after going down this rabbit hole of research was, “Wow, maybe I need to change the stuff we’re washing with”.  Why?  Well, I learned that what I was using at the time, a liquid body wash distributed by a company who’s named after a small white bird (��) could not legally be called “soap” even though that’s what we all call it.  The process used to make this body wash literally removes the glycerin (something called a “surfactant” that does actually help to moisturize to an extent, but is defined as a compound that lowers the surface tension between two liquids, between a gas and a liquid, or between a liquid and a solid. Surfactants may act as detergents, wetting agents, emulsifiers, foaming agents, and dispersants.), only to add it back in, and the additional additives they actually added to make it “better” for your skin, as was their “claim”, were actually not necessary and were detergents as well.

“DETERGENTS?!”, I thought to myself….”like, I’m actually washing my body with laundry detergent?”  Um… yeah-you are (🤨)!  So, I grabbed my bottle of body wash and started to actually read what I was putting on the biggest organ my body has.  The organ that absorbs everything from environmental pollutants, to what you put on it, to what you ingest.  (Medical training kicking in here again.)

The ingredient list was LONG, containing words I couldn’t even pronounce. (Can you?) Then I thought to look at the “soap” and “body wash” that Reba was using, and read the same ingredients; detergents, etc.  The only difference was they added extra stuff to balance the pH to the eyes (making it “tear free”), rather than the body. What does the pH actually do?  Let’s look at that…

pH stands for potential hydrogen with the “p” meaning potential and the “H” standing for hydrogen. The pH scale is a scale that is used to rank the relative basicity or acidity of substances to other substances, based on the amount of hydrogen ion activity in a substance. (sciencetrends.com)

Now, I could go into and define and describe all the ingredients I’m talking about, but that would be a science lesson in and of itself.  Suffice to say, I didn’t like what I read and learned and thought there had to be something better that would help the dry, itchy skin my loved ones were experiencing.  So, I looked into actual “soap”.  As I was reading about soap I came upon the different FDA laws regarding the making of “soap” both in solid and liquid forms that we were all using.  The FDA has a law that states that the items used to actually wash your body, that you buy at places like the grocery store, or big box stores, cannot legally be called a “soap”.  Because of the additives and processes used to create what we were using, the law states that they have to be called something else.  So, corporate America gave these items names like “Facial Cleansing Bar”, “Moisturizing Body Wash”, etc.  Wait!  What?  You’re telling me that almost 99% of the stuff at the store I buy my family to wash with on a daily basis couldn’t legally be called soap because they’re “detergents” and corporate America is conning the populous at large?  That would be a hard yes.  Well, then…  (Go look at the wrapper or container your current stuff comes in the from the store and see what it’s called… I’ll wait.)

What did washing with detergents do to the skin?  It makes it dry, flaky, itchy and it can exacerbate skin issues that may be underlying such as eczema, psoriasis, allergic dermatitis, the weather, etc.  Well darn!  How do you fix THAT issue?  Back to actual “soap”…

I started to google “soap” and all the sudden a new world opened up to me.  I found all kinds of places that were selling the ingredients to make your own soap at home, videos that showed you from start to finish.  The different ways to make it.  The different ingredients and their benefits… the lists went on and on.  I actually got quite overwhelmed.  So, I just started making notes, and doing more research and watching more videos.  I learned that you can’t make actual SOAP without Sodium Hydroxide (Lye).  Even the “Body Washes” and “Beauty Bars” have Sodium Hydroxide in them.  (Or it’s sibling Potassium Hydroxide, which is used to make a liquid “soap” or “wash”.)  HOWEVER…..

While watching and reading about making SOAP, there were CONSTANT warnings about Lye Safety and how dangerous it is to work with Lye.  The kinds of safety equipment that would be necessary to work with it, and honestly, I got intimidated and scared.  But then I saw something called “Melt and Pour”.  This is a Glycerin based soap that is already “made”, having gone through the processes necessary to make it SOAP.  All you had to do, was melt it in a microwave, color it, add any fragrance or essential oils to it, and pour it in a mold.  You simply let that cool and harden and BOOM, a handmade bar of soap that you’ve made at home.

It was a fun learning experience for sure.  To this day, I still make some of the Melt and Pour soaps and add them to my other soaps and I let the grandkids work with it to make their own for gifts for family members.  But I really wanted to be able to use those fantastic oils and butters that really benefit the skin!  So, I took my Culinary Arts training, and bit the bullet.  Because you’re following a recipe and a technique, it was quite similar to actual cooking!  I watched a thousand more videos, including the ones about Lye Safety, over and over and over again, just to be sure I KNEW what I was doing and felt comfortable enough to work with it.  In the Culinary world we have something called “Mise en Place”, which basically means “everything in it’s place”.  You should get everything out that you plan to use, weigh, measure, the tools, etc.  Everything should be ready before you start.  So, I did that.  Then, I set to work making my first bars of soap made with Sodium Hydroxide, in a design called a “Tiger Stripe”.  I honestly can’t tell you what the scent was, or the colors that I used.  But I remember it was fun!  I was so very proud, looking at that wet soap in the mold…  Now for the Saponification Process.

What is the Saponification Process?   Saponification is a process by which triglycerides (fats) are reacted with sodium or potassium hydroxide (lye) to produce glycerol (emollient) and a fatty acid salt, called “soap.” The triglycerides are most often animal fats or vegetable oils. When sodium hydroxide is used, a hard soap is produced. (thoughtco.com)  This process renders the Sodium Hydroxide (or Potassium Hydroxide) completely inert.  It’s done it’s job of turning the oils, butters and water into a bar of soap.  So, the Sodium/Potassium Hydroxide will in no way negatively affect your skin at all, whereas when soap hundreds of years ago was made, it was hard on the skin.  In fact, my Grandma’s generation still viewed “lye soap” as something quite harsh.  Basically because the lye that was used was made from wood ashes, wasn’t as pure and the science that we use today (computer programs that help to determine the proper amount of Lye, water, oils and butters that will make the best bar of soap, with proper hardness, moisturizing properties, cleansing abilities, bubbles and no harsh or adverse effects from the lye.) hadn’t been invented yet.  They also didn’t have any of the additives that we use today like colloidal oatmeal, milk powders, etc.

So, 24 hours after I made that first loaf of soap, I cut it.  It was the best bar of soap I’d ever seen!    I cut it with a knife I bought specifically for soap.  I cut it unevenly, and I didn’t care.  Then I had to figure out where to let it “cure”.  Curing is where you set the newly made soap aside for 4 to 6 weeks and allow all the excess water left in the soap, after the saponification process, to evaporate, leaving the bar as hard and as long lasting as possible.  I found the perfect place, in my foyer.  Then I immediately wanted to make more…and more…  Pretty soon, my foyer was filled with newly made, curing soap!  Anyone that came to the front door, or entered the house, always asked what smelled so good!

I tested the soap 5 weeks later, as did David, in the shower.  It was bubbly and it was a different feeling on my skin than what I was use to, in a good way.  I felt… cleaner?  Was that the word I’d use?  Yes, it was!  I felt like there was just clean skin there, not something else.  I don’t quite know how to explain it, other than I didn’t feel like I had a thin film of “slime” on my skin that the aforementioned body wash I had been using, left on me that was meant to make my mind think this was a “conditioning, moisturization” of my skin.  It was “slime” to me, now that I had used my brand new bar of soap!  Well, now I was hooked!  David’s skin, after about a week, showed improvement as well!  Holy Heck, what did I just find!?

For the next solid year, I played with different recipes, different oils and butters, different molds, different colors, different additives….  I found a recipe I seriously loved.  I shared the bars with family and friends and finally was told so many times..”This stuff is great!  You should sell it because I’d buy it”.  So, I did.  And Bluegrass Bubbles was born…  We got a business license and became official, then started our website, bluegrassbubbles.com  

In the next installment of the blog, I’ll continue some of the story!  Please remember to share and invite your friends to the blog!  Feel free to ask questions and interact!  

If you’ve not already, please follow us on all our social media and visit our website and sign up for our newsletter!  I share behind the scenes pictures, videos and every now then, a Giveaway where you can win Free Products, including the Candles and other things I make!

[snibnoom]

All of what is said below is my understanding of the situation. I am not fluent in Korean, therefore I might misinterpret some things. Please take this into consideration.

TL;DR: A group of Korean fans came forward with their complaints concerning several issues: Fantagio keeping a schedule in Japan where the members might get sick due to a flu epidemic, announcements and events being changed, fans not being respected by fan club personnel, staff lacking preparation, a lack of appearance on daytime entertainment programs during promotions, and other miscellaneous issues. They are calling for a change in the way Fantagio handles events and issues moving forward.

A group of fans organized as 아스트로 불판닷컴 “ASTRO Hot Grill Dot Com” have issues a complaint statement to Fantagio Music. The fan group was established in November 2017 and “have experienced charges of [Fantagio Music] ignoring fans, refusing to communicate, and poor behavior of staff members.” 아스트로 불판닷컴 (will be abbreviated as ㅂㅍㄷㅋ from now on) have a website here and a Twitter account here with more than 5,000 followers. ㅂㅍㄷㅋ say that they are not representative of all AROHA, and that the common opinions they hold between themselves may not hold true for all fans. The official members of the ㅂㅍㄷㅋ board have been under constant stress from events like those listed in their complaints, and chose to come forward with these complaints now so that they will no longer have to wait and see if Fantagio Music and associated individuals will come forward with an explanation.

Complaint #1: Thorough ignoring of objections to schedules that do not prioritize the artist’s health. There is a schedule for Japan that includes hi-touch. There are concerns over the continuation of the hi-touch event despite the high chance of members catching the flu due to an outbreak. Many Japanese fans are expressing their opposition in going through with the Japan fan meeting through fax and e-mails, but Fantagio is pushing ahead and completely ignoring the requests of fans.

(T/N: I can’t tell from the wording if this complaint refers to a previous event or an upcoming event. My guess is that it is a future event, as a tag “cancel the Japan fan meeting” has been used in combination with the sharing of these complaints.)

Complaint #2: Related to offline events, such as concerts/fan meetings. 

Of the 2018 2기 Fan Meeting:

Did not allow for everything proposed in the original announcement, such as 떼창 (T/N: a common Korean concert manner, literally “crowd singing”), video, robongie, slogan event (T/N: when fans pull out their slogans during a specific time in the show).

A slogan event organized by ㅂㅍㄷㅋ failed because of the above

The slogan event was called You&Me, but due to the event not having the sign off of the assistant director, the event was removed from the line-up. The mistake was easily correctable, but Fantagio Music instead removed the event. ㅂㅍㄷㅋ’s complaint calls this “...the biggest example of a lack of respect for fans.”

Of the 2018 STARLIGHT concert wreath:

Certain members had almost no wreaths dedicated to them as wreaths were assigned on a first-come-first-serve basis.

After learning this, ㅂㅍㄷㅋ quickly modified the words on their wreath so that all members could be represented.

Of the 2018 STARLIGHT concert event:

Before events could be submitted, Fantagio Music had already decided the song and event methods.

Despite Fantagio saying they would make a countdown and lyric video, the planned event ended up failing due to sloppy organization.

After the event failed on the first day, the guide given to fans was ignored so the event didn’t proceed.

Complaint #3: Related to Public Broadcasting — No Respect for Fans’ Time

Frequent changes in the number of people allowed into the main room, always announced just before entering

1/22 SBS The Show: of 30 people waiting, 12 were not allowed entrance

1/27 SBS Inkigao: of 25 people waiting, 9 were not allowed entrance

2/1 KBS Music Bank: no people admitted to the main room — AROHA were not informed of this until just before admittance so they waited indefinitely.

2/3 SBS Inkigayo: of 20 people waiting, 4 were not allowed entrance

However, for other rookie idol groups, 8 more people were added to the main room — ㅂㅍㄷㅋ says “this revealed an example of the fan manager’s incompetence.”

Staff lacks preparation

Staff did not pre-prepare first-come-first-serve items and photocards for winning lottery tickets, so those who won were asked to attend the next event to receive them. The fan didn’t have time to visit and asked for the items to be mailed, but staff refused the request and asked the fan to visit the next event. ㅂㅍㄷㅋ says that “this is a behavior with no consideration for fans who do not have much time” and that staff did not apologize to the inconvenience from the lack of planning on their part.

A temporary sticker was given due to staff having an insufficient quantity of the stickers. Staff says “come and get it next time” but the next time, preparation is no different.

On 2/2 at MBC Music Core, the first 30 fans received 2 photocards while all other fans did not.

Fairness in issuing public broadcasting goods

In the case of “signed Polaroids” which can be received after having 24 stamps on an attendance card, there are cases where member selection or several photographs are displayed unfairly.

In some cases, certain member photos were chosen quickly so those who chose later didn’t get the same options.

Each time an issue with the application occurs

1/24 M Countdown: After quietly modifying the time for entry to the main room, staff did not publish it again.

There are no explanations or apologies for frequent mistakes and inconsistent omissions in the notices.

T/N: I can’t figure out what this point is saying, but it’s something to do with the comeback showcase on 1/16 and (I think) a notice being posted with only 2 hours for adjustment.

There was no explanation for an issue, and protests from e-mails were ignored.

Offline staff ignore fans and are unfriendly

Each time at a public broadcasting station, staff does not take into account the time and health of fans waiting outside for 2 to 3 hours, and ignores the fans’ opinions and protests at the issues.

The fan manager was not faithful to their role in offline events and was unable to support fans’ discomfort during offline events.

No contact in any form that exists, such as fax, email, or the fan club cell phone number.

Staff selectively responded to complaints.

Poor safety management related to field participation

Due to the nature of the pre-recording process being at dawn and despite the danger factors such as dark and icy roads, accidents occurred due to insufficient management from existing personnel.

Complaint #4: No support of album release at company-level activities.

Even though it is a regular activity, there are 0 appearances on entertainment shows other than music broadcasting.

No appearances on public entertainment programs. (Have not appeared on any since Dream Part 2.)

If they cannot appear in entertainment shows due to internal circumstances, they should create their own content to upload, but until the end of all the music shows, the contents of “We Came Back” have not been released. (T/N: During previous promotional cycles, Fantagio released backstage videos of ASTRO filming themselves and having fun at music shows under the title of “We Came Back”).

No uploads of ‘Ddoca’ content from after 1/16.

Complaint #5: Miscellaneous Issues

Related to events conducted by the agency

There was an event that did not take into account the streaming list of an ASTRO streaming team, which was designed to manage ASTRO’s ranking on music charts.

All Light album’s “green card event” has not been received despite activities being 2/3 completed.

The “All I Want event” has not been followed up despite activities being 2/3 completed.

Notices for a polaroid gift event have not been issued. However, polaroids have since been distributed despite failure to publicize the draw criteria and winning numbers, raising questions about the fairness of the event.

There was an event item that was supposed to be distributed at all broadcasts, but despite the overlapping schedules of The Show and a radio broadcast, no changes or follow-ups were made.

Late music video release

Number of views on the music video was lost due to the reversing of posting and deletion of the music videos, which finally appeared an hour late—this negatively affected scores on music broadcasts.

Official Cafe Aroha 3rd Gen Level-Up

The 3rd Gen level up applications have not been completely processed, even those posted before the 1/20 cut-off date.

Not enough announcement when changing notice

Many people are not aware of the changes in schedules because they are not actively notified of important issues when announcements in the official fan cafe change.

ㅂㅍㄷㅋ completed their statement with the following points:

1. The health of ASTRO and AROHA is the top priority. As a result, take care of the schedule in Japan after the flu crisis in Japan has calmed down.

2. Ignoring fans’ opinions is not okay. They spend time and take health losses because they love a Fantagio Music artist. Strive to communicate with fans who request e-mail, fax, fan club cell phone, etc. when issues arise.

3. Fantagio Music should take appropriate disciplinary actions and personnel movements for those in charge of the fan club who have consistently caused inconvenience to fans due to frequent mistakes and insufficient work organization.

4. Fantagio Music should do its best to prevent fans from receiving unfair treatment from staff at the broadcasting stations and when participating in events related to artists at public broadcasting events.

5. Fantagio Music should always be grateful to fans who support ASTRO, respect them, and give them priority. Fans should not be ignored for cheering for artists, nor should they be taken advantage of by the Fantagio Music personnel.

[neptuneisgay]

tell me titanic facts??

Okay I nearly squealed you have no idea how happy I am that someone asked me this! Literally while typing that tag I was thinking “pls someone ask me about Titanic facts”

Anyways let’s start here

1. So Titanic was actually a part of a series of ships all created by the same people (Harland & Wolff) they were known as Olympic-class ocean liners and there were 3: Olympic , Titanic, and Brittannic respectively. They were designed to be extremely large and luxurious passenger ships during the the early 20th Century. Titanic was the largest of the 3 and at the time of her voyage the largest ship in the world.

2. Although in most movie and tv adaptations the Titanic was portrayed as just a party ship for rich people (and that’s partly true), the Titanic was also carrying hundreds of emigrants from GB, Ireland, Scandinavia and other European countries, who were seeking new life’s in America.

3. This ship legitimately had a swimming pool and a gymnasium on it

4. Although supposedly the Titanic was supposed to be “the safest ship in the world” and it praised itself (or rather her makers praised themselves) for having many advanced safety features such as “watertight compartments and remote activated watertight doors” they actually only had about one third of their possible lifeboats stocked on board, because the regulations at the time didn’t require having the Full stock. The ship was capable of carrying 48 boats which could seat up to 2,300 people but they only ended up carrying 20, 4 of which were Non-operatable due to being collapsible and fairing too difficult to lunch.

5. The ship was designed to be able to survive 4 of her watertight compartments flooding however once the iceberg hit and the hull plates buckled onwards to the starboard it opened up 16 of her watertight compartments and at that point there was no way of saving her

6. Even with already having only a third of the lifeboats they could, that at full capacity would only fit about half of their passengers, they ended up launching many lifeboats only partially loaded. And there was a disproportionate number of men left on the ship because of the “women and children first” protocol.

7. 3 hours after the initial impact the ship broke apart nearly in half and sank with over a thousand people still on board. (In a timeline this was at about 2 am) and 2 hours after she sank the RMS Carpathia arrived as the first rescue ship to the scene and was able to save an estimated 705 people.

8. After her wreck and destruction her sister ship Olympic was announced the new largest ship in the world.

9. The wreck of the Titanic wasn’t discovered until more than 70 years after her sinking and she remains on the seabed gradually disintegrating at a depth of about 12 thousand ft.

10. Known as the final survivor Millvina Dean, who was 2 months old at the time of the wreck, was a third class passenger and was immigrating to Kansas from the UK. She was aboard with her mother, father and brother, tho they weren’t supposed to be on the Titanic at all but they’re ship ended up having a coal malfunction and they were transferred at the last minute. Her, her mother and her brother were of the first 3rd class passengers to be placed on a lifeboat and brought to safety however her father was left to die on the ship due to the women and children first rule and his body was never recovered. During her 70s Millivina started participating in Titanic-related events, such as conventions, interviews, exhibitions, documentaries, etc.. she refused to watch the movie Titanic as after seeing the movie A Night to Remember she had nightmares as she couldn’t help but imagine her father as one of those people. She died in 2009 at 97 years old and was cremated and her ashes launched from the docks where the Titanic set sail.

11. And now onto my favourite fact about the Titanic. That of one passenger (she wasn’t actually a passenger but an ocean liner stewardess) named Violet Jessop. Violet was an Irish argentine ocean stewardess and nurse who has quite a unique experience. In 1911, one year before the Titanic, Violet was working as a stewardess aboard the RMS Olympic (yes the same Olympic that was from the same line and makers of the Titanic) while aboard the Olympic collided with a British warship, HMS Hawke, thankfully there were no casualties and despite the damage to the ship it managed to make its way back to port safely. Nearly a year later Violet boarded the Titanic, again as a stewardess. She was put aboard lifeboat 16 during the sinking as she was to show an example to the non-English speakers what to do, upon being placed in the life boat she was handed a baby to take care of, while aboard the RMS Carpathia a women grabbed the baby she was holding and ran off without another word (we assume this was the mother). But wait there’s more, 4 years after surviving the Titanic, in 1916 Violet was a stewardess aboard the HMHS Brittannic, a white star liner that had been converted into a hospital ship during the First World War. Now if that ship name sounds familiar that is because, yes, this ship is the same Brittannic that was the third and final sister ship of the Titanic. While aboard the ship unexpectedly sank due to an unexplained explosion (it was later discovered in a diving expedition of the ship a century later in 2016 that The ship had struck a deep sea land mine.) the Brittannic sunk in 55 minutes, mich faster than the 3 hours it took the Titanic to sink, and killed 30 out of it 1,066 passengers. Violet made it onto a lifeboat, however she and other passengers were almost killed by the Ships Propellers that were sucking the lifeboats back under the sinking ship. Violet has to jump out of her lifeboat which resulted in a traumatic head injury however despite this and despite being apart of not one not two but three ship wrecks, Violet Jessop survived and even when back to work in 1920 where she continued to stewardess ships until she retired in 1950. She has been known as “miss unsinkable”. She died at 83 in 1971 due to congestive heart failure.

Okay that’s all I have! There’s so many more but this is already so long! I did go and fact check everything and make sure all of the information was as accurate as I could make it, but keeping in mind that as much information as we do know there’s also so much we don’t as the Titanic sunk in 1912 and it was very hard to fact check and keep records back then.

But thank you for letting me relive my special interest from age 11!

[sarakuper]

Yosemite National Park, California

Stop #7, July 29-August 2

We made it to Yosemite, and this time it was much smoother than our arrival at Sequoia. We hit the road at 7:45 AM to run errands and get organized before getting to Yosemite. We’ve been out of service for almost a week now, and while I love being off the grid, not having the internet to do our research was part of the problem when we got to Sequoia. So we sat in the car for a half an hour and researched what we needed to. No reservations were available for campgrounds in the park, and first come first serve usually has a line of people waiting by 6 AM… on the weekends. A Monday arrival was on our side, and after talking to a park ranger near the entrance of the park we learned about Bridalveil campground, 20 miles up the road currently had 25 camp spots available. FINALLY. Not only is it gorgeous, but there seems to be an unwritten rule where everyone is respectful of their surrounding and stays quiet. Maybe its because this campsite is known to have the worst bear problem, or maybe its because they don’t have running water in their bathrooms. Either way, settling into our camp spot in Yosemite National Park, we are very happy. 

So the bears.. yeah. Okay, here’s what I’ve learned so far. Black bears are almost never black; they are usually dark brown, brown, or even blonde. Their paws are so soft they are nearly silent when they approach. Their sense of smelly is “several times better than that of a bloodhounds”. They will do anything for food or even products. If we see one we need to yell, making loud noises to deter it. Since this campsite has a “bear problem” they are really strict with their citations, fining you if you break any rules. Because we are in a camper, we don’t have to use the bear lockers that are stationed at every campsite. But, we did have to put all of our food away so that if a bear were to peak inside our window they wouldn’t see anything. This even includes our toiletries! They will eat toothpaste and lotion, anything with an odor. Your car is not a secure space to store things, as bears have ripped open car doors to get the food inside. I don’t know about you but Geico won’t cover hungry bear damage. Lolzzzz (stole that joke from our campground host).

On our first night we went to Glacier Point for sunset. Its not a hike, but really just an insane view point. The moment I saw it I swear I lost my breath. There are “breathtaking” views but then there are views that literally take your breath away. And this was one of them.

While the photo ops were truly stunning, Glacier point got me excited for all the hikes we’ll do in the follow days offering us different perspectives of the same view but with the reward of the climb and the lack of crowds. But maaaaaaan was I wrong about the latter.

On Tuesday we spent the first half of the day in Yosemite Valley where they have a handful of dog friendly “trails”. We walked to lower Yosemite Falls, through a meadow, then found a nice beach spot to sit and relax in the shade. There was a group of family friends both snorkeling through the river and floating in it. We chatted with one of the fathers who informed us that they do a river clean up with their family every year; its become an annual tradition. So cool!!! He also informed us of some fun things we could do here and outside the park with Jaxon. So we continued to relax on the water, enjoyed watching a family of ducks, and chatted with a few other families that found their way to the water. After an hour or so it went from us being the only ones on the beach to not an open spot for anyone else to join. And thats our que to leave! We hoped early morning and late evening activities would have us avoiding the crowd, and while its been confirmed that mid day is crazy busy, there really is no way of avoiding the crowds in Yosemite in July, even if it is the middle of the week!

The second half of the day we hiked Sentinel Dome which gives you almost the same view as Glacier Point the night before, but instead its an actually hike with a full 360 degree view! It was beautiful.

On the way down these two Jewish girls (we knew because of the long skirts with leggings underneath) asked us how fay they were until the top of the trail, and so we started chatting. Of course it came out that that three of us are Jewish girls from New York, and then they proceeded to tell me about their Chabad and handed me shabbat candles to light this coming Friday night. Usually I don’t think twice about this sort of thing (yes its happened before), but I took this interaction as a sign for my Tanta Tania. She is my Zeidy’s sister, and she was in the hospital nearing the end of her life. (Tanta is aunt and Zeidy is Grandpa in yiddish). Being that she is a Holocaust surviver and carried on with life raising a beautiful Jewish family, I want to light candles for her this week. Timing is weird, and powerful. I thought about her and tonight’s interaction for the rest of the night through the morning.

Meanwhile, another mistake, we thought Wednesday would be the least busy day at Zion, being smack in the middle of the week. Wednesday is too early to start the weekend and is also too late to extend to, but man where we wrong AGAIN. We woke up at 5:30AM to get ready for the challenging hike to Vernal and Nevada falls. We started by 7:20 on the dot and were not even close to being alone on the trail. This hike is a 6.7 mile hike with nearly 2,200 feet elevation gain and was definitely a challenge for me. For Sean on the other hand, a piece of cake. I don’t get it; he has asthma and climbs mountains 4x faster than me! GRRRRR. I’m a slow poke. But HEY, I made it to the top. Vernal falls was first and truly stunning. Getting to the top of Nevada was also beautiful, and thankfully less crowded. We made it back to the trailhead around 12:30 and holy crap was it SWAMPED with people, most of them not having a clue what they are getting themselves into! I cannot imagine what this trail is like on a Saturday or Sunday. 

If you scroll back up to the photos from Glacier Point with two water falls, one above the other, thats this last hike we did! 

On our drive back to the campsite I took off my shoes and dozed off until I woke up to Sean yelling at me excitedly to get out of the car. I was so confused and didn’t understand what was going on; “but I don’t have my shoes on” and Sean said “You’re a photographer, you don’t need shoes”. All the sudden I was surrounded by other families that also pulled over to see what was going on, and I couldn’t see the bear in the distance for several minutes until it came out of the shadow. How the heck did people spot that from the road?! But it really was such a beautiful site; the sun was shining and the bear was surrounded by wild flowers.

Thursday was a lazy day for us other than the easy 4 mile dog friendly hike we ventured to with Jaxon. We rested for the remainder of the day, ate and played a ton of Kaluche. Yes, Sean is still beating me. The current tally for games won is 12-6, but I’m coming for him….

Friday morning we hit the road to head to Lake Tahoe, but when we got service I got news of my Tanta Tania’s passing. We made the call to head to Sacramento where one of my best friends Alexis lives with her partner Mamadou. From there I can get a direct flight to NY to be with my family for the funeral while Sean and Jaxon have a house to stay in. Given the situation I would want nothing more than to share positive memories of her with family and pay my respects. So thats what I did. We will resume our travels in a little while. 

Thanks for reading, love you all.