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elbertoko · 2 years

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Alright, let's talk about mental health

youtube

I have been following Benedict Cua for years and I have always loved and appreciated his funny content. He talks very openly about his thoughts and journey. He is a ray of sunshine. It feels like he is the kind of friend you could open up to and get close to.

In his recent vlog post, he opened up about his mental health struggles; how he is going through one of the most difficult times of his life; and how he is slowly trying to get everything together day after day.

In his video, he acknowledges that he is not okay and that he needed help. He seeks help from a professional and currently on medication in order to balance out the chemicals inside his body and make him feel a little bit better.

I relate very much with Ben in this chapter of his life.

There was a point in my life where everything became too much to bear. It had been a few years ago when I was caught up with everything all at once — a failing relationship, deteriorating health, existential crisis — and everything went on a downward spiral.

My brain was too consumed with all the failures and the bad things that happened to me I couldn't keep up. I was not built on a strong foundation because I was made of happiness, romance, adventure, fairies, butterflies, and all the nice things this world can ever have. I created this made-up happy world where everything happy was possible. It was my world after all until I was faced with waves of failures and frustrations all at the same time, rocking my very foundation to destruction. I didn't know how to react. If anything, i reacted so badly; uncalculated; every action was from the gut.

My head was so heavy, and my heart was pulsating like it was about to burst out of my chest. I didn't know what to do and I had too much of everything so I dropped everything down: work, friends, family, comfort. I was left with nothing at that moment. I decided to walk away from everything I knew was beautiful and took on a long journey to discover things, places, and people I never knew existed.

It was not easy to be in a bad place mentally and physically. There was no way to know if I was ever going to be okay again. There was no way to prove that this was going to work and make me feel better. All I knew was I felt I needed to go away from everything.

In my travels, I got to think a lot about everything. I was able to tap into my subconscious and have a clear understanding of why I was the way I was. I could say I learned more about myself. The thoughts were mostly transformed into late-night deep cries, regrets, and frustrations.

I cried so hard like I had never cried before. The kind of cry that you just want other people to be there to hug you and make you feel all right because you couldn't take it anymore.

It felt so heavy inside that I could feel the pain literally in my heart. It's like my heart was aching so bad but I can't touch it and do anything about it. I just had to hold my chest so hard to make the pain go away. It also felt like a stone struck my throat was about to come out. But nothing came out. Just my silent cries for help inside the covered bunk beds in the hostels of the different places I had been.

There were nights when I didn't cry, but I couldn't sleep because when I was about to, my heart turned into full pumping mode. I would then have a hard time breathing. I would catch up with the heart that went ballistic. I became so anxious about a lot of things. Anxiety turned into panic attacks in the middle of the night. It was very very scary. Alone, away from home.

When I felt a little bit better coming back home, the pandemic happened. Everyone was restricted from going around. Social gatherings were cut and we were now forced to be on our own devices. It shook me again, mentally, but quite a bit mild this time. I stopped talking to friends and just turned to my phone to play for endless hours. I slept, ate, play, repeat.

I had this habit of not telling friends what I felt, especially the bad things that happened to me and how I felt about them. I didn't want to burden them with the bad things in my life.

It didn't quite sit well on me. Those emotions bottled up and I didnt know what to do about them.

But I continuously pushed through. Lived.

There were so many instances that I wanted to ask for help; that I wanted to just talk about me to someone who knows how to direct my emotions properly, but it just didn't happen for so many reasons. I think I'm still a little bit afraid to face my own demons and have someone to properly sit down and talk about them.

But for a lot of reasons I felt a bit better every day. I think what is helping me is the thought that my family and friends have been there to support me in all aspects of my life. When I was living at the worst time in my life, my family came together to help me get through it. I could not do anything more than let them see that I am getting better.

I want to get better.

I still have moments here and there, but I just have to remind myself that I am not alone. Not anymore. I now breathe the air with the people I know who would give me the strength to go on.

Life is not a period. It is a semicolon; it consists of a pause; a series of events; it neither stops nor disappears; it remains to exist especially when it has something to live for: we are something we live for.

To love ourselves and live for it; such a great thing to do in life.

#blog #writing #mentalhealth #awareness #live #love #life #Youtube

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monotonous-minutia · 2 years

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I actually think I'm going to lose my mind.

I don't usually post stuff like this but I feel like I'm going to explode. And I can't really talk about it to anyone for a variety of reasons but my god I'm going to lose it.

The person I live with is going through some shit. And I feel for her,I really do; she's got some significant struggles. But quite a bit of it is self sabotage and it's hard for me to watch and especially hard to empathize when she has multiple people, including medical professionals, telling her what to do, but she chooses not to do it and then complains about the aftermath. And then expects me to nod along to her rants when inside I'm just screaming that if she just did what her doctor tells her to do, she wouldn't be in this situation.

On top of it when she gets into these funks she needs to be around people or she gets dangerously depressed. Often she has friends and family to turn to but sometimes she doesn't and then expects me to fill the void. A lot of the time I don't mind because she's fun to hang out with and we share a lot of the same interests. But I work with people all day and sometimes I just want to be by myself, especially because I recently suffered a huge personal loss and I'm still trying to process it. I don't want her to be alone and depressed but she doesn't seem to get that I need my own time. We used to have overlapping work schedules where I'd get home a few hours before her and get some alone time to recharge before she got back. But now she's not working so every minute I'm home, she's there and wanting me to hang out with her.

On top of everything she doesn't clean up after herself. We've talked about it a few times and she keeps saying she'll get to it but she doesn't. The living room is such a mess I don't want to be in there and the kitchen is so nasty I can't make food. She won't do her share of the housework either so parts of the house are just constantly dirty. Sometimes it gets to a point where I can't stand it anymore and I just clean up all her messes because I don't want mold and bugs getting in the house. But I'm sick of her just lying around all weekend while I clean the whole house.

It's gotten to the point where as stressful and annoying as work is at the moment, which is its whole own thing, I don't want to be home. I hate weekends because it's just me cleaning and her sleeping on the couch with the TV on. And when she is awake she wants me around and listening to her talk. Sometimes it's fun to be with her,it really is, but no matter how many hints I drop she just doesn't get that I want to be alone unless I just go in my room and close the door.

And i know a big part of it is her wanting me to be over what happened to me. Everyone in my life does. It doesn't help that I can't talk about it so people seem to think I'm done processing but I'm not. I need to be alone sometimes, or with someone but not talking. I can't just get over what happened and I honestly don't think I ever will. But I don't know anyone who's experienced the same thing so I don't have anyone to talk to about it, not even my therapist because it's not her specialty, and none of the other mental health resources in the area address it.

I really don't have any family to support me except my little brother and I'd never burden him with this. Fact is I do want him to know, he deserves to, but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him. The only person I know who's been through the same thing is one of my co workers but I learned that through someone else and we don't know each other super well and it's not like I can just go up to her and be like "hey I heard we both went through this super personal thing wanna talk about it."

I literally feel like I have a hole in me that's never ever going to heal and literally no one in my life fucking gets that. They just want me to be better and attend to their needs. Some days I feel like I can't even go to work, but the alternative is staying home with my roommate. I don't have anywhere to go. No friends close enough to visit without notice and gas is too expensive for me to just go on a long drive like I used to love to do. I could go for a walk but there's only so many times I can do that before I just get lost in my head and that's not good either. I can't even really enjoy the media I love because I'm still so shell shocked I can't focus enough.

I just want to go back in time before any of this ever happened. Normally I'd want to fast forward until it's all better. But not this time. Because I'll never be whole again. People think I'm exaggerating but I am not. People want me to be better, it's been two weeks. And maybe I'll be okay and healthy again some day but it's a long fucking road and even if I do get there I'll never be the same.

Anyway sorry for spilling all this with no warning I just. I'm going to lose my mind.

#personal #probably deleting later

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musings-from-mars · 4 years

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I request some Weiss finding out she's on the spectrum after Ruby and Penny... open her eyes so to speak.

((Okay but neurodivergent!Weiss is so underrated and needs more love, thank you for requesting this!

Btw, instead of saying “on the spectrum,” it’s totally cool to just use “autistic,” or “neurodivergent” to be more broad. I’m not sure of the consensus among the wider autistic community, but “on the spectrum” has always felt like a euphemism to me, when there’s no need to dance around the word “autistic,” so feel free to use it! 😊 ))

Weiss wasn’t sure how she’d managed to get roped into hanging out with Ruby and Penny in the Beacon library so often, but with every passing “study date,” she’d become content with just sitting and listening to the two girls talk while Weiss read from a textbook or wrote an essay. Their chatter was great background noise, as Weiss had adapted to living with the rest of Team RWBY by managing to do everything with some sort of chaos going on in the background, and that included schoolwork. She didn’t really engage in conversation during these study dates, as Ruby and Penny were content with her company while Weiss did her best to be academically productive with her time.

Today, however, the topic of conversation tugged at Weiss’ attention. There was usually an intense focus that would overtake her when it came to studying, like she was viewing her crystal clear text book on a blurry background and nothing could breach her attention. But Ruby had said something to Penny that made Weiss’ ears burn:

“Oh yeah, I do that all the time!” Ruby said. “Like, it’s super embarrassing sometimes, but if some asks me about my weapon I’m like BLAGH! Word vomit.”

“Just like how I infodump about bugs,” Penny said with a bright smile. “They are so interesting, especially the kind that fly or are bioluminescent.”

“Yeah! I remember that time you infodumped about fireflies for, like, thirty minutes!”

Weiss looked up from her book and listened to the two for a moment. Infodump? “What’s infodump?”

Ruby turned, her silver eyes lighting up when she heard Weiss chime in. “Oh! It’s a thing that’s common with neurodivergent brains.” She made her point by pointing to her temple. “Something that captures your interest so much that you get the urge to just go on and on about it.”

“Neurodivergent?” Weiss asked.

“Like how I’m autistic,” Penny said with a nod, “And Ruby is autistic and has ADHD.”

“And dyslexia,” Ruby added.

“And dyslexia,” Penny agreed.

“My brain has trouble being a brain sometimes,” Ruby said with a grin.

“Ohhh, okay,” Weiss said with a nod, understanding a bit better now. “So when you, like, talk about Crescent Rose or fairy tales for a really long time, that’s you infodumping?”

“Yeah!” Ruby said. “It’s fun, like...writing an essay, just...saying it as it comes to you.”

Weiss glanced at her dust theory essay to her right. Or, well, her “outline” for her dust theory essay. It was more of just a piece of notebook paper for her to put word vomit while she...

Hang on...

“I think I’ve done that, actually,” Weiss admitted, remembering back to a couple days ago. She had just finished reading a book about dust theory. Not a required reading, but something she just picked up for fun (yes, she is a nerd and Weiss was content with that). Since she knew Pyrrha was super interested in dust theory as well, Weiss went to her and talked all about the book. Pyrrha had listened kindly and bounced questions off of Weiss, but Weiss had pretty much dominated that interaction. That realization really hit her when, after she had finished talking, Pyrrha had giggled and said, “Wow, when you get interested in something, you dive in 100-percent, huh? That’s cool!”

Weiss explained that example, and Ruby’s eyes seemed to sparkle under the library’s fluorescent lights. “That’s exactly what it’s like! Let’s see, uhm...okay, when you’re doing something that you really like, do you focus on it for hours on end without thinking about anything else?”

“Well, yeah,” Weiss said, never having thought much of it. She was just doing that a minute ago, of course.

“But like, hours,” Ruby reiterated. “And you focus so hard you forget to eat or drink or go to the bathroom because you literally can’t think about or do anything else.”

“I mean, doesn’t everyone do that?” Weiss asked with an uncertain shrug.

Ruby simply stared at her in response, her jaw hanging open.

“That actually is uncommon,” Penny chimed in, missing the confused tension that radiated off of Ruby. “What you are experiencing is called hyperfixation. It occurs when your brain locks onto a single source of mental stimulation that triggers your brain’s chemical reward system and maintains that focus for as long as it can in an effort to continue to reap rewards in the form of firing neurotransmitters. This can cause your conscious mind to miss other common bodily functions and signals, like hunger or the need to urinate.”

“You know a whole lot about things you can’t do yourself, Penny,” Ruby said, both as an observation and a compliment.

“Thank you! The organic person’s mind is complicated and fascinating!”

“Yeah...” Weiss agreed, absorbing all the information Penny had just given her, all about neurotransmitters and whatnot. “I do those things a lot, actually.”

Ruby then slammed her hands palms-down on to the table and trained her eyes on Weiss’ with a serious determination. “Does your brain’s immediate response to any form of rejection include an all-encompassing feeling of dread and a blazing hatred of your own existence that makes you want to punch the nearest wall and scream out the nearest window until your heart and/or voice gives out?”

Weiss stared back at Ruby with wide eyes. “I, uhh...” Then two seconds later, she had an answer, and her shoulders dropped along with her face, which settled into a begrudged but well-worn scowl directed in no particular direction. “Yeah. That was my entire childhood.”

“That’s depressing!” Penny said. “And also another common symptom called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.”

“It’s like regular rejection,” Ruby said. “Except more sensitive, and dysphoric!”

“I got that,” Weiss said with an understanding nod. “So...what I’m hearing is...I should see a professional.”

“Wrestler?” Ruby asked.

“Mental health professional,” Weiss corrected.

“Oh nice! Maybe you can be brain cousins with us!”

“Brain cousins?”

“ADHD and autism overlap in many ways and are often comorbid,” Penny noted. “But that does not actually make us related.”

“That would be super weird!” Ruby added.

Weiss looked down and nodded. “Okay. You two have given me a lot to think about.”

“Sorry about that,” Ruby said sympathetically.

“No, in a good way,” Weiss assured her.

“Oh!”

#I just 🥺🥺🥺🥺#ok to reblog uwu #rwby #ruby rose #weiss schnee #penny polendina #frosen steel #drabble

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liam-93-productions · 3 years

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This weekend it’s the UK’s biggest event on the entertainment calendar, with the 74th EE British Academy of Film and Television Awards taking place at the Albert Hall with guests and nominees attending virtually for the first time, thanks to Covid-19. And while the awards promise to be as exciting as possible in these unprecedented times, on Sunday night we will also be treated to another exciting world-first in the form of Liam Payne being beamed into houses up and down the country while performing for the opening of the ceremony.

Yup, if you’ve ever fancied the former One Direction crooner serenading you at the end of your bed, on Sunday you can make your dreams a reality – or augmented reality – as Liam has joined forces with the EE network to create a 3D avatar hologram of himself that can be beamed through the app ‘The Round’ (available on any mobile device) as he performs at the Albert Hall. Super fans can also get to experience the avatar in their homes, or on-the-go, ahead of the performance, if they tune in via the app at 6.45pm, 15 minutes before the hologram joins real Liam on stage to perform.

GLAMOUR caught up with Liam to discuss this sci-fi sounding excitement as well as hear how the past year has treated him. In a wide-ranging chat with the ever-charming Liam, we covered all things from the struggles of lockdown and coping with his mental health to his former bandmates, burgeoning acting career, new music (...).

Is the fact that you're performing at the BAFTAs a sign that your acting career is on the rise?

I've done a lot of auditions, a lot of tapes. The thing about acting somebody told me, it’s very much like: are you right for the part and is the part right for you? I think it takes a lot of talent, luck and judgment going into acting to actually get into a job. I mean, hat's off to anybody who does it because it's a long process. I seem to get through to like the final five or final three people for every role and then not quite get it. Which is frustrating but, you know, that’s how it goes. I've had a fair few auditions and I was lucky enough to get into the final five again for one audition that I got to meet Steven Spielberg [a couple of years ago] on my 25th birthday which was quite amazing. But it's been fairly slow through the pandemic obviously.

And what about music? Have you been writing anything, or even been in the studio?

I'm going to the studio later on today actually, to record something for the first time in a while. Which is quite weird to be traveling back into London to go into work. I've been doing some stuff from home as well, which has been quite interesting. Zoom sessions don't really work out all that well, it's very difficult. I'm sure a lot of musicians will agree. So, it's been kind of hard to work properly during this half of the pandemic. The other first half of the pandemic, I just did these live shows, which was really amazing to play live and do them online, which was kind of strange... It's been difficult in terms of the creative process for me.

The past year has been challenging for absolutely everyone, no matter their circumstances. How has it affected you on a personal and a professional level?

In the first half of it, I was so busy that I didn't really notice it as much, except for having to do a lot of stuff myself without crew and learning to do hair and makeup was kind of a weird experience. But then this second half, I stopped working and I had a full, proper month off [and that was] really hard. And it was all a bit dark for me for a little bit and I'm sure many people experienced it. Just not being able to go anywhere, not be able to do anything. It really, really hit home. And I just found myself sat in the same place day in, day out. And I was like, okay, I really do not know what to do with myself.

You’ve bravely spoken about struggling with your mental health in the past, and you say now that you did go into a bit of a dark place recently, how have you coped with that?

I think it's an ongoing experience. For me, learning to relax has always been quite a hard thing to do because I feel like if I'm not moving forward, then I must be going backwards. And I think that's something that I've always struggled with. So, in a way it's kind of a blessing in disguise, as this has all kind of taught me to relax a little bit more. And to not be so worried about that, like the world is not going to fall over if I don't do something today. So, it's been nice in that respect. But I think for a lot of people it's difficult, and I definitely took for granted how much I miss my family. I'm used to being away from home, I'm used to being abroad and not seeing very much of them. But I'd always see them at a show or at something once a year. And then now that that's all been taken away, it's been a lot to not see my family and realise how much they actually ground me.

So, what have you found helpful or supportive during the past year? Have you turned to anything to get you through these dark times?

Friends that are there for you... [talking to] one of my managers that I'm quite close with. I think a lot of guys struggle to talk about what the hell is going on a lot of the time. And for me and him, actually we're quite heart on our sleeves sort of people, so we talk a lot about different things. But I think if I didn't have that, someone to share that with, I think I would have struggled a hell of a lot more.

Like a mental health mate?

I mean, we literally talk about everything. We're probably too honest with each other! But I think it's important that everybody has that person. I'll be honest, at the start of this, drinking definitely became a lot more of a thing because there just didn't seem to be any boundaries. I wouldn't say I drank too much, I'd say I drank too often. Just through the boredom, I guess. A lot of people were going through that though I think - there was so many funny, great memes about it I saw friends of mine put up. But it can be quite dark at times. I think the only thing that's really helped me through that is just learning to work out again and learning to put boundaries in for myself in terms of what food I'm eating. As a pop star, I think you're always quite weight conscious. My job has always been about having to work out, doing underwear modelling and all that sort of thing, it makes you quite body conscious at times. It was nice to be able to just sit and eat pizza and chocolate, I really enjoyed that. But getting myself back into the habit of working out and then having a cheat day put in place, so that there was more boundaries in line, I think has definitely helped me.

I'm quite fortunate that I don't put a stack of weight on, although I have gone up rather a lot in size over this time. But I think it was more about routine for me than anything. And I always say, having a small victory before you get into bed at night time. Or life just gets depressing. Whether that small victory is making sure you've spoken to a family member, you've worked out, or whether you did learn to do something today, just something small. There's one task that you literally can't be arsed with, you should get done just on the day, so that you feel good about yourself when you get into bed.

That's so important. So, do you almost have a checklist before you go to bed?

I think as long as I make the gym and I've done that bit and I've taken care of my needs, just cooked some nice food. That's mainly it for me, really. And then I feel good about it. (...)

(...)

Moving on to social media, you've obviously got such a massively positive fan base, but how do you cope with the negative side of social media and the impact that can have on your mental health?

I struggled with it for a long time. I argued with people. I was aggressive on their points trying to fight my own side. And I think for some people you are talking to a brick wall, you will not win and there's no point trying. And also, the more you talk about it, the worse it gets. So, I just shut up and put up a lot of the time. I think it's the Queen that says, "never complain or never explain." And that's something I think myself I do live by because it's just like, with some people it gets worse having the argument and trying to explain yourself. But all of it, it's like five minutes of your life for somebody who doesn't know you, it's just a bit pointless.

You have so much intense public scrutiny on you all the time, how do you navigate keeping something back for yourself, and how have you managed to maintain that sense of privacy over the years?

I think this has been one of my biggest struggles this whole time. Because, I'm very much a heart on the sleeve sort of person. I didn't actually realize this for a long time, but I often give a little bit too much away…But it's definitely a difficult one to flick the two people apart. So that you're on stage, you're a certain type of person, and at home you're a certain type of person. That's always something I've really struggled with.

And you've been famous since the age of 16. How did you manage growing up in that sort of public glare?

Never did! [laughs] My friend was [recently] talking about how he’s got a teenage son that he was really struggling with at the moment. And I was thinking, "oh my God, imagine how much people would have struggled having five teenagers, rowdy boys in a band. It must've been terrible, there's no getting through to them!" And for a while, it probably was. I think we all go through that awkward teen phase where you're finding yourself. And most of us, we get to get away with it. And they're funny family photos for later on; here was your emo phase or whatever you went through! And for us, we never got away with being awkward or annoying at points. It was kind of out there for everyone to see; the awful haircuts and we’re talking terrible clothes, it was all out there.

What has your career taught you about the idea of success and the idea of failure?

I think it's taught me lots about how you would measure success. I came from a family that weren't very well off. We didn't have a lot. My dad was in debt actually when I started. So, success for me always meant a monetary thing to start off with. But then as I got older, I realized I don't really buy all that much. I don't really spend a hell of a lot of money. So, it can't be about a money sort of thing. And it's more now become more about happiness and experiences. And the one thing I always say about my job, no matter what, and everybody gets annoyed at their job sometimes, it is what it is. But for me, at least I get to put a smile on someone's face.

Yes, you do! And what has it taught you about failure?

That's a really good question. It’s taught me I think that perseverance will always prevail in that sense. Because it doesn't always go exactly to plan. We were really lucky when we came up, we absolutely skyrocketed. And then, it's been hard to follow that ever since. But you know, measuring a failure as well. What is a failure? And people will look at this and, for us sometimes getting a 100,000,000 streams isn't quite what we aim for, but it's still 100,000,000 streams….you have to kind of get a hold of yourself. Everything is about perspective at the end of the day, isn't it? That was something I struggled with for a long time, because of how well it went [for the band.]

So you had such high expectations for everything?

Yeah. And it's like, time to give that a break really. And Louis from my band has always been quite great to sit with me and talk with me about stuff. And if I'm feeling a certain way. We've been quite good with each other, actually in that respect and helping each other out, which has been nice.

And finally, if you could sit down with the Liam who was starting out in One Direction in 2010, what advice would you have for him?

I think just have more fun and relax a little bit. I think I was a very serious child, one of those man-childs, I was a man in a child's body pretty early on. And I think I would have avoided that stage, to be honest with you. To enter One Direction as that difficult, because it just meant that I got completely a different job to everybody else.

You were the grown up one?

That was it. And it was boring. I should have just larked around and thrown plates out the window and stuff!

More rock and roll?

Well, I mean at the start, and then later on a bit less rock and roll [laughing.]

Well, thank you so much, Liam. And we look forward to seeing your performance on Sunday at the BAFTAs.

I'll see you wherever you want me in your house, I guess.

Liam Payne is performing an exclusive EE BAFTA AR real-time music performance, ahead of his 5G-powered opening show at the 2021 EE BAFTA Film Awards. Download ‘The Round’ app to enjoy the live AR experience through your mobile phone, wherever you are, this Sunday 11th April 2021 at 18:45pm BST.

#liam payne #liam's interviews #glamour uk #ee baftas #07.04.2021

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devilrainbunnie · 4 years

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._ anthurium pt 2 _.

tomura shigaraki x fem!reader

1/X/3

CW: anxiety trigger, manipulation, cheating, mentions of alcohol, mentions of depression and mental health (minors DNI)

a/n: I could not get the second part idea out of my head, I’m also going to try to write properly instead of doing all lowercase for practice. I’m used to doing lowercase but, whatever.

Tomura sprawled out over the black couch in his now empty, and lifeless apartment. His eyes were locked to the ceiling above him, though he was looking at nothing in particular. There was an unfamiliar feeling inside of his chest he had never felt before. Never in the mans life had he ever felt, or thought the way he did now. All his life he had done nothing but take, hate, use and abuse everything in this world-- so why couldn’t he stop feeling this heavy weight of regret within his body? Why did the corners of his eyes prick with hot, salty tears? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about you? In his mind, he blames you for this feeling. If you had just stayed, and let this continue, he wouldn’t feel like this.

But deep down he knows, that this is all of his fault.

He hurt you, constantly. Because you had always been there, accepted him, and coddled him, he never expected you to go anywhere. No matter what he did, or no matter what he said to you. He had hurt you in the past, many times. You always stayed. That made him believe you were okay with everything, or that’s at least what he told himself to make what he did not as bad. He never saw you crying, he never saw you actually upset. He thought your sometimes pestering and anxious ways you tried to confront him were nothing but annoying, not that you were silently begging him to love you and see he was breaking you. Or maybe he just didn’t want to see it. He didn’t even think about how it was affecting you. He was selfish, when all you were was selfless. You’d given everything to him, after Kurogiri was taken, you took care of him. Fed him, comforted him, made sure he was holding it together. Even before that, you tried to stop him from scratching at himself, you made sure he ate more than just take out, and junk food. You made sure he slept every night, showered every day. You helped him keep his things tidy.

You gave him something he had never had; love. You gave up everything to be with him, and you made sure to always put him above yourself, even when you shouldn’t have. He realized up until recently that he made the biggest mistake he would ever make. He lost the one person who would’ve dropped everything for him, for someone who was nothing but a good fuck. Someone who was manipulating him, someone who quite literally used their quirk to make him believe what he was feeling was genuine.

Tomura hated himself for it, he felt like a fucking garbage can. He lost his everything. He lost his love, his life, his happiness... all for some sex, and higher ranks.

He tried a couple times to release his pent up emotions by turning to the girl, but he felt sick any time he put his hands on her. Everything came crashing down to him, and it didn’t exactly happen immediately. The first time it hit him, is when Dabi tried to kill him.

...

The day after you left, Tomura was furious with you. Believing you had betrayed him, deceived him, and that he was going to unleash hell the next time he laid eyes on you. He slammed doors all night long after he found your note, drinking some sake and staying up until the sun rose. That morning he had a meeting, he got ready and wore his usual new outfit, a fancy black suit, with a long black trench coat and fur lined at the hood. Something you had actually helped him pick out, even though he whined about it being itchy against his face and neck constantly. He preferred his big hoodies, skinny jeans and converse, but now that he was a leader of such a professional group-- he was expected to look the part.

He adjusted himself in the mirror, putting on the singular artist glove, and flattening out the wrinkles in his suit. In all honesty, he just wanted to go to bed, and sleep away this angered feeling but he decided against it. Tomura needed to be professional.

He stepped out of the apartment, his hands in the pockets of the thick trench coat. A migraine beginning to settle into his head at the bright lights of the building. His eyes squinting, and blinking rapidly to adjust. He mindlessly strolled over to the elevator, and waited until the doors opened. Staring at his fancy black dress shoes, thinking to himself how stupid this all was. Soon the elevator arrived, and he stepped inside. It was empty, just how he preferred it, leaning his head back against the cold metal framing of the cart as it went upwards to the room he planned to have the meeting.

Soon he arrived on the floor, stepping out of the metal box, and walking into the large room the meeting was meant to take place. As soon as he opened the door, all eyes were on him. He walked to take his place to speak, when he heard a familiar raspy voice make a comment towards him. Tomura, having absolutely no patience for his shit, decided to speak out. “Is there a problem, crispy?” he sneered, taking his seat on the couch, scooting himself in to get comfortable.

“Yeah, there is a big fucking problem. Not that you would give a shit though, fucking prick.”

“Excuse me?!” Tomura snapped, sitting up to look at Dabi standing in front of him.

“You fucking heard me you nasty street rat. We have a fucking problem, and you’re lucky we’re inside because I wouldn’t hesitate to torch you alive right now.”

“What crawled up your ass and died?” he scoffed.

“Y/n. You fucking pushed her away. Y/n could be dead right now for all we know and it’s all your fault, because you just had to be selfish and fuck someone who is quite literally using you.” Dabi snapped, a little bit of blue shining from the insides of his closed fists. He was seething with rage, the tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

“She left on her own accord dumbass. If you’re so concerned with her, then go find her yourself. Stop talking about her. I don’t have time for this shit. I did nothing--”

“That’s the thing crusty, you did. You fucking cheated on her, pushed her away, made her cry, and treated her like shit. Do you know how many times I had to see that poor girl looking like she was barely hanging on by a thread?” He sneered, Tomura rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Don’t fucking act like you did nothing wrong. All of us tried to talk to you about cheating on her because we never saw Y/n and when we did, she looked fucking hollow. I don’t know how many times Twice or Spinner tried to talk to you about it, and you’d shut the door in their faces.”

“As I said, she left on her own accord! Quit talking about this--”

“He’s right, Tomura-kun. You need to take responsibility for this, she left because of you. She didn’t just abandon you, you pushed her to her limits and she left because she felt like she was no longer wanted by you. Why can’t you just take responsibility? I thought you were better than this Tomura-kun.” Toga stepped in, his words hit her hard. Toga was like your little sister. She loved you the most out of anyone in the league besides Twice, any time she could, she was right at your hip. “I-I... I miss her so much.” Toga said quietly under her breath, feeling herself start to tear up.

“Fuck this!” Tomura said loudly, slamming his fists down against the couch, and standing to his feet.

“You don’t get to just fucking walk away from this!” Dabi screamed at him, which was really the only time they ever heard him get upset. Dabi marched straight at Tomura, launching his fist straight to his face. Tomura grabbed his wrist with his gloved hand. They began to restrain one another before Dabi started slowly inching flames his way, and Tomura’s glove began to slip off intentionally. They were both pulled away separately. “I’m gonna kick your ass for this soon enough you grimy fuck! That girl was the only person in the league I actually enjoyed! Fuck you! I’ll fucking kill you!” Tomura realized how much he was acting like an older brother to you, and how truly sad everyone looked. You were part of their family, and he had made you leave. The rest of the day was a blur to him, he spent it drinking too much sake, playing games, and at some point crying.

The next days, he was angry and couldn’t process his emotions without some alcohol in his system. After a while, it hit him way too hard, and sleeping at night was nearly impossible. The next weeks all he did was mope around, and hate himself. He didn’t do anything like he used to anymore, besides stuff with PLF, he just took it upon himself to waste his days away locked on the couch or bed.

...

Tomura rubbed his face with four fingers, turning to his side to stare out of the large window, watching the way the moon shined into the room. He imagined your silhouette sitting at the window watching it to, like he often saw when he came into the room. This time instead of being annoyed at your presence, he wonders how he could fix things if you never left. Would things ever even be seen properly if you hadn’t left?

He whines out loud at the thought, wishing you were there to tell him it’s all okay, and comb through his hair with your soft fingers like you used to. He wants to sleep, but he can’t.

“I miss you. I’m a fucking idiot.” he softly murmurs into the air. Looking over to the anthurium plant that was in its usual spot that you loved so much, you had that plant longer than you were with him. Most of the plants in the room were long dead by now, but the anthurium was thriving. It gave him the smallest bit of comfort and relief, that somewhere, you were alive and okay. He wondered if you’d ever come back, even just for the plants. He smiled at the thought of you again, and he reached to the floor to pull up one of your old tee-shirts you left behind. A simple black one, and it still reeked of your familiar, comforting scent. He nuzzled his face into it, absorbing the comfortable feeling it gave him. Imagining you just being here again, right back into his arms like he wished. Like everything was okay again. The thought gave him comfort, as he closed his heavy lidded crimson irises that begged for the release of slumber. To dream of a life different than the one he was faced with. One with you in it.

In another life, I guess.

^^^

The last month was a tough one for you, you left everything behind. No plan in mind but to get as far away from Tomura as you could. You managed to get through the run down city of Deika somewhat okay, even though there was rubble covering the entirety of the streets. You would’ve been left with cuts and bruises because of how hard it was to climb over certain spots, but luckily your quirk saved you from that. Your eyes were dry by the time you reached the end of the city, it dawned on you there that you were finally free from the pain you once felt. It didn’t completely go away, but the familiarity of your surroundings was unknown, and that gave your mind some clarity. There was no pain here, nothing around you reminded you of him. It was uncharted territory, a place to make your own. Sure it was just a mostly deserted pavement road surrounded by some trees, and houses that were more than likely empty. There was nothing left to do but go forward. You walked down the empty pavement road until the sun began to rise, and still no signs of any civilization. It was empty, lifeless, and dull, but you were happy. Free. From time to time you’d stop to fix your shoes, find somewhere to relieve yourself or drink some water.

You were hoping to find a bus, or a motel before you got too tired. You stopped for a moment to check the small pocket watch you had with you in your bag to see that it was almost seven in the morning. But you kept on, and even though your legs began to feel like jello-- you soon were coming upon a new city. One that looked full, lively, and different.

Instead of just hopping on a bus, you decided to find a motel to shower, unwind and sleep in a warm bed. As you stumbled upon one, paid for you room and stripped yourself of your clothes, you immediately crashed to the bed. Sleeping for far longer than you wanted to, but needed to.

For a while it was a lot of traveling, trying to come up on a plan, and your money was running low. You were free, but there was still a cost. There you were, eating some cheap, cold soba outside in the rain in Musutafu. It was midday, and there was a lot of people out on the streets going to and from work (or school, who knows), the streets were lined with cars. heroes were on patrol everywhere. It felt good to be back somewhere you were used to, even if there was nothing for you there to feel stable. The jacket you wore was fairly thick, but didn’t keep you the warmest. You sat underneath a small bus stop shivering while eating something that made your hands go numb. Some of those that passed you gave you dirty looks, eyeing you up and down, assuming you were just another dirty beggar enjoying a meal someone else paid for you. Internally you felt ashamed of yourself for having to live like this, but it was all for a purpose. Let them stare, what do they know?

Soon your noodles were lessening, and you had finished your soba. After you took the last few noodles, you grabbed all of the trash you had sitting around you, and walked over to a trash can outside of the large law firm you were outside of. Placing it inside, and walking away before you heard something behind you. “Y/n?” a voice called from behind you, not registering at first that it was familiar to you.

You turned your head to look at the person behind you. It was Giran, in the flesh. Standing there with an umbrella over his head, and cigarette kissing between his lips. “Giran?” He flopped his grey locks out of his forehead. He looked exactly how you remembered him, gapped tooth, nice looking clothes, beautiful gold rings decorating his fingers, and the little glasses of his you always tried to steal from him.

“Doll... what the hell are you doing all the way over here? What happened? Why do you...”

“Why do I look like this?” You raised your brow, he shamelessly nodded. “I’m homeless, that’s why.”

“Why? What happened for you to be homeless?”

“I... I left. Things happened, I just-- I needed to leave.” you stumbled over your words, not really wanting to tell him the full story.

“I have a feeling there’s a story there you’re not telling me.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell you about it another time. Well, it was good seeing you, I’ll leave you to it--”

He hastily cut you off, not letting you walk away from him. It was obvious to the both of you that you were running from something, and probably going to run off to another city alone again. “Wait!” you turned to him, raising your eyebrow to him. “I was just heading home, come with me. You shouldn’t be out here alone, doll.”

“I don’t want to impose... Really, I’ll be fine--”

“Y/n. You are homeless, I want you to be safe and sleep in a warm bed. You aren’t imposing sweetheart, I’ll take care of you. I ask nothing in return besides that you fill me in at some point about what happened. I don’t wanna hear any no’s or but’s coming from ya, you’re not sleeping out on the streets anymore. Let’s go.” he said shamelessly. Giran was always good with looking out for you, you came to him shortly before going to the league looking for work as a healer within a group. You found yourself intrigued by Shigaraki, and Giran of course being the gentleman he is, asked you if you were sure a million times. Telling you that no matter what happened, he would watch over you, and take care of you. He’d always cared. You hastily agreed, he patted your shoulder comfortingly.

You followed him closely back to his home, the umbrella doing little to prevent water from falling all over you. Soon you arrived to his beautiful home, and quickly settled in. He allowed you to take a shower, took all of your clothes to run through the washer, and gave you some of his spare clothes to wear in the mean time. The hot water soothed your sickly cold feeling skin, the musky mint smelling soap soothing your senses. For the first time in a while, you were relaxed.

After taking a shower, and setting up in his guest room, Giran came into the room. Eyeing you carefully as you sat in the white cotton sheets in his baggy undershirt and basketball shorts. Your wet hair sticking to the back of your head. “Hungry?” he asked. “I’m about to order takeout, what sounds good?”

“Curry, and taiyaki. Haven’t had either in so long.”

“An interesting combination, but I’ll see what I can do. Just relax for now, feel free to hangout in the living room. I got a TV and some books. Do whatever you feel, though.” he grinned at you. Patting the doorway before turning to walk away.

“Giran?” you called out to him.

“Yes?” he replied putting himself back into view.

“Thank you, for everything. I hope I can make it up to you one day.”

“Don’t worry about that now doll, all I care about is keepin’ you safe.” he smiled a genuine smile, which you returned. It was nice to be surrounded by so much hospitality and kindness. He stepped away from the door frame once again to let you do whatever it is you wanted to do. That night you both shared a meal, chatted, and went to bed. He let you take some books into the guest bedroom for you to read whenever you wanted. You felt at ease, like you were finally safe and grounded. You didn’t have to rely on Tomura for anything anymore, you had yourself.

Even though deep down, you missed him. It had been ages since he last held you, kissed you, or even looked at you properly-- but you still missed it. All of it. You wondered if he was doing okay, if he was still with her, or if he even cared if you left. Honestly, you doubted it, he probably would’ve taken a couple days to even realize something was even slightly off. You didn’t regret your decision, but part of you would always miss him.

Always, and forever, love him.

Over the next month or so, the routine was generally the same. Giran learned about what Tomura had done to you and why you were homeless. He decided to let you work with him in his office, you mostly would just organize his files, greet clients (usually ones he needed help convincing because you were the little office eye candy), cleaning around the office, and just overall being his assistant. He respected you, cared for you, and got you back to your feet-- without expecting a thing from you. The two of you were growing closer, and you were nothing but thankful to him. Sometimes the two of you would dress up super fancy to go to meetings for very high up clients who couldn’t be seen anywhere near where Giran worked out of safety for the two of them. It was a quite relaxing life, and you were growing used to everything.

There you sat in your usual spot in Giran’s office, filing some paperwork that needed to be put away. Your office was a little room attached to Giran’s main office, small but comfortable. You’d spend most of the day in there until it was lunch time, or special cases where he needed your charm to make a client more comfortable. You were lost in the groove of the routine that often came with these tasks, listening to the music playing from your laptop speaker that was low enough to be able to hear anyone talking, and not be heard by anyone but you. From time to time stopping to play with the button on your blouse. Giran insisted that you dressed formally for the job, which consisted in business formal attire. Like right now, you were wearing a black button up blouse, dark maroon pencil skirt, tights, and black mary-jane high heeled shoes. A cute little choker chain on your neck to show some more class, and matching simple earrings. You looked formal enough to be doing the job, but also cute enough to just go out in the outfit.

After sitting, and filing for what seemed like hours, you decided to stretch. Getting up from your chair, and popping your limbs. Walking into Giran’s office cautiously. You didn’t hear anyone with him, but you never knew. You lightly knocked on the door frame to get his attention, his face was downwards as he read over some documents at his desk. “Hey bossman, how’s it goin’?” You asked him, leaning into the open frame. His head turned towards you away from the desk, a small smile present on his features.

“Good, good. Just readin’ over this real quick. You need me doll?”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, I just needed a bit of a break, and you also shouldn’t be stretching your neck out like that. You might hurt yourself.” raising your eyebrows playfully. He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Well, it’s almost time for lunch. How about you go out and get us somethin’ to eat? You hungry yet?” he asked pulling a cigarette from his pocket, and placing it on his mouth. Grabbing his metal lighter from the desk to light it, taking a long drag before exhaling the smoke slowly out his nose.

“Hmm... maybe, I’d be okay with getting us something.”

“One sec.” he replied, getting up from his seat to walk to his large trench coat that sat in its place on the coat rack in the corner next to the door. Digging in the pocket of it for something, which he soon found. He took a drag on the cancer stick once more before returning. “Here’s my card.”

“Thanks.”

“Also, you look beautiful today Y/n.” he admitted, leaning against his desk in front of you.

“Are you implying I don’t look beautiful every other day?” you retorted, feeling your face warm up with bashfulness.

“Never, doll. Just thought I’d make you smile.” he leaned towards you. Pulling his cigarettes from his lips to press a kiss to you forehead, your stomach fluttering wildly. Sometimes his little affirmations of affection made you go insane, you sometimes wished you had the confidence and stability to just grab his collar, and kiss him. Sure, he was older, but he was attractive. There was no doubt there, and the feelings were mutual. But you assumed neither of you wanted to ruin what was already going on. “Now get on, it might rain within the next hour. Wouldn’t want you to get wet.”

You smiled, placing your hand on his cheek in an assuring way before walking to the coat rack to grab your warm coat. Turning back to him before exiting the office, a soft smile present on your lips, muttering a quick good bye before opening the door.

Soon you were back with take out bags on your hands, coming up upon the door of the office, knocking, before taking a step in. Happy to see Giran again, and eat your lunch. As your eyes registered upon the desk in front of you, you felt your heart drop into your stomach. Your hands quickly becoming sweaty as your gripped on to the plastic bags you held on to for dear life. There was that familiar light blue colored mop of hair sitting in the chair adjacent from Giran. He was wearing a black trench coat you hadn’t seen him wear since he exchanged his wardrobe for all of the suits, his back was to you, but even then you could still immediately tell it was him. His voice rang in the air, and died quietly as he recognized Giran’s distressed face.

“Giran, what...” he asked, but let the words fall off his tongue, turning his head to look into your direction.

Without waiting, you dropped the bags of food on the ground, turning to open the office door. You quickly walked to the elevator, smashing the buttons on the wall to step in, just wanting to get away from him. You were scared to face him, you refused to, and luckily the buttons outside the elevator dinged, and it opened, you looked back to the office to see Tomura opening the door, catching your gaze. “Y/n! Wait! Please!” he called after you as you rushed inside the elevator, smashing the buttons to close. Your arms and legs trembling violently as you waited for the door to close on him.

“Stop! Y/n please let me-- hey stop!” he called after you, his foot steps and voice growing closer as the door began to close. When it almost came to a close, you saw his panicked red iris, he sounded so distressed that it made you almost want to open up the door, and let him in. But at the same time, you were trembling. You knew he worked with Giran, but you never expected to see him again. Giran tried to promise you that, but he also warned that things were unpredictable, and that he would do his best to keep you safe. You felt tears welt up in your eyes that you tried to blink away, knowing that he most likely was going to beat you to the lobby and confront you anyways.

You loved him.

But could you even forgive him?

#shigaraki x reader #shigaraki tomura x reader #tomura shigaraki fanfiction #tomura shigaraki x reader #giran x reader #giran x reader idk?? kinda??#shigaraki angst #tomura shigaraki angst #angst #bnha au #bnha fan fiction #mha fan fiction #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki #tenko shimura #this is kind of trash i am so sorry #please forgive me i just wanted to post something

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futures-tense · 3 years

Note

What did you think about the new lone star episode? I like reading your opinions because I always agree with them lol

Oh my god babe im so glad you asked because I probably would have told you anyway

SO there was a lot,,, like a lot of thoughts that I had to write them all down and the Owen thoughts will be at the end, because I know thats what you’re here for

- CAPTAIN JUDD

- Marjan being ✨pretty✨

- “Husband? You guys are babies.”

- Its the Tarlos Teasing for me, and the way TK pushes Carlos away I’m- these boys are so soft

- Paul called them Tarlos I’m-

- Someone give Marjan a hug please, I want to give her a hug

- I have a lot of experience painting rooms myself instead of professionally and like,,, Owen literally taped EVERYTHING it was so unnecessary anyway-

- “What the hell are you doin here?” Go off Judd I’m begging you

- also the way Marjan looked at Owen when he’s spouting off orders at them cause she knows thats not his job at the moment and he should just not

- “Ride or Die bitches” queens supporting queens

- The Sun and Salt reopening!!

- There’s a major lack of my favorite Bernese Mountain Dog

- Marjans outfits are iconic as always

- The way she’s starting to breakdown but still manages to save her life and do her job despite the fact that she has every right to be mad at the girl but she’s not because thats just Marjan

- Carlos’s lil wink when TK goes “Crisis Averted!!”

Now for my Owen (Derogatory) thoughts

If you don’t agree with this that’s fine, I don’t expect everyone to, so just keep scrolling my love thanks

- So Gabriel talking about the arsonist’s profile (narcissistic, who thinks he’s so much smarter etc etc) and how perfectly it fits owen i just- More on that later

- Owen could at least pretend to have a poker face, like TK didnt have to get him anything but he did because he knows how difficult being away from work will be for him. Because TK (unlike others) pays attention

- Owen to Billy: I can’t imagine [listening to the scanner app thing] is very good for your mental health.

Me: dont you even start Mr. Tequila Time

- Owen and his stupid hero complex

- Owen Just casually making bombs and starting fires in his backyard exactly the way the arsonist started them just to prove a point

- Imagine being an ass to someone who’s not willing to break the law because he needs to keep his benefits because- ya know- he’s sick

- The way Owen said “I just need to make a stop” or run an Errand or whatever like he’s just running to the supermarket instead of breaking multiple laws and is only building the case against himself

- This might be really bad to say but like,,, if he isn’t at least convicted with the breaking and entering i might lose my mind

Owen literally said “here’s the physical description of the arsonist” and then described himself. AND THEN WENT “Here’s a mental profile of the most arsonists” and then described himself AGAIN. THEN he went out and bought bomb making materials and thought “well I’ll show them exactly how the arsonist set off the incendiary and then i’ll break more laws to prove it again. And they’ll celebrate me because I figured it out” and he’s probably right but like And then he was arrested and i smiled cause he’s a dumbass. There’s literally means (all the stuff he bought, the fact that he knew exactly how it works and how to set it off and and and), opportunity (he’s basically jobless for the next three weeks so), motive (mmm, he’s a bored sociopath?).

anyway that was a lot and im sorry but im so glad you enjoy hearing my thoughts about this because I have a lot of them and i like to talk about them

#tk strand #911 lone star #tarlos #judd ryder #anon #ink answers #carlos reyes #boo owen anon #anytime anyone talks trash about owen strand (derogatory) i tag it as boo owen anon bc im right #marjan marwani #paul strickland #911 ls spoilers #ask to tag

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kierancampire · 2 years

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I've been abused all my life as a child, i lived in absolutely awful home environments and went through awful things, and i was badly bullied in school and college. Then as an adult i have been homeless twice, lost everything, dealt with significant traumas, sexual assault. Life has been hell

I'm struggling hard by this point, i have no one, i don't talk to almost anyone in my family, i have no real life friends, exceptionally few online ones, and none i can go to for support as they're all struggling themselves. I have no one, i have quite severe mental health issues, I'm struggling

I recently lost a big benefit payment i got, and especially with the cost of living rising, me living alone having no one, and already being homeless twice and having nothing left, I'm scared and stressed. Yet when trying to fight to get this benefit back so i can live, what does my mum tell me? Give up, it's hopeless, i won't get it back. So what, I'm just meant to give up on having enough money to live and be fucked this time?

My Housing Association has had me suffering since December of last year, they keep not responding or not acknowledging any of the awful things they've done. Wanna know what my therapist said when i said that i am fighting to get them to apologise, and to fix all these issues they've caused? Give up, it's hopeless. So what? I'm meant to still suffer in a flat that is full of cracks and holes, has a bad mould problem, no functioning windows, and i feel miserable in.

Then just now, i posted about wanting help to get a rediagnosis as i only officially have anxiety and depression, but everyone, mental health professionals included, think i have some form of autism or personality disorder. And that i tried for years trying to get more support but doctors won't even so much as consider me. Wanna know what someone told me? Give up, it's hopeless. So what? I'm supposed to live in this hell i am trapped in day to day, having no idea what's wrong with me, people being nasty to me for things i have little to no control over, not getting the support i need, and struggling because of this. But nah, just give up?

I have literally no one, I'm alone. Yet when i try to get support, I'm told to give up, it's hopeless. Do you know how fucking difficult it is, as a severely depressed and severely anxious person, who has suffered heavy trauma from years of abuse, bullying, and traumas, who struggles, so fucking severely day to day, who had to fight to not only escape every fucking awful and extremely harmful situation they were trapped in, who has gone through hell since day fucking 1, who has tons of health issues, who has no one, who is exhausted from all the bullshit they're going through, and who has had to fight not only their own demons every single fucking day, but people harming them or trying to drag them down daily. Do you know how fucking difficult it is to be that person, then to be told that the things i have heen fighting for since i was a child, basic care, respect, the ability to live, to be happy, to be understood. To just give up because those things are hopeless? I'm exhausted and have wanted to give up on life for 14 fucking years now, i really fucking don't need to have the only reactions be, when i finally break enough that i need support, to be told that it's all hopeless, that i should give up and continue suffering. If i gave up when this all started either I'd be dead or continuing to gotten beaten by my dad, or trapped in all those other awful situations i was in. Why should i give up on trying to finally have a basically peaceful or happy life for once. Why should i give up on finally being respected and cared for.

I can't fucking handle being told that any more. I need fucking support, not people making me feel my life is worthless and i can do nothing to improve it.

#personal

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shiroscorner · 4 years

Photo

Okay! I Finished The Tower of Nero all the way back in October, but I got lazy and I recently re-read the whole ToA books again. I’m really glad I did because there where things I would have missed on first reading.

Before I give my final thoughts on the Book series as a whole I will be giving my thoughts on events, Themes, and other miscellaneous things that happened in the books.

In the first chapter of the Hidden Oracle, Apollo talks about hanging over the Abyss of Chaos in Tartarus Which was a nice piece of Foreshadowing for the ending of ToA.

Rachael sassing Apollo over the other oracles like a bitter girlfriend is great.

I like how the books shows that Nico has been improving (Has friends, isn’t living with dead people, smiles, and participating in group activities), but that he still has a long way to go with his mental health. Rick works really hard at showing that a significant other isn’t going to fix all your problems and that its going to take a long time for Nico to get to a really good place mentally. Mental health is an uphill battle your whole life for people who suffer from mental health conditions no matter how much your life improves.

This series is the most inclusive LGBTQ+ children’s series ever written (Regardless of medium). Its makes me happy to see such a inclusive and well round LGBTQ+ characters. Including the main character which is huge for a children’s series.

Frank going out on his own terms to avenge Jason makes me cry every time even knowing that Frank survives on a second reading.

I like to imagine that all the Jason hate is a vocal minority because of how many people were sad by Jason’s death (It couldn’t possibly be that they all suddenly love Jason now that he’s dead or anything like that).

Jason and Piper’s relationship. I’m really glad that though they broke up the still are friends and care about each other. They went on multiple quests together post break up. Most books, shows, and movies show that people can’t be friends after a break-up and it bothers me because people absolutely can be. Its nice to see that.

Apollo is thirsty for literally everyone. I wanna re-read these books an catalog a full list of people Apollo thirsts for and has dated.

I don’t think I have ever mentioned it on here before, but I work a job that allows you to where headphones and ear buds so I listen to the audio books while at work. The narrator for the ToA books is Robbie Daymond. His performance is so amazing. Probably because he is a professional actor. If you haven’t listened to the audio books I highly recommend it.

Lavinia is my QUEEN! MORE LAVINA PLEASE!

Jason is amazing and selfless and we stan him here!

I like that Calypso and Leo still have a lot of working to do to make the relationship work. Most authors would be like “He saved her from a 4,000 year imprisonment so now everything is perfect” All relationships need work regardless of the history.

Crest was okay, but I wish we had known him a little longer before he died.

I love Emmie, Jo, and Georgie.

Apollo forgetting how to God because of how long he’s been mortal is so funny.

Am I sad that my fan theory didn’t happen? Yeah, but it still ended in a really good way. I still think Apollo will take over duty of Camp Director once Mr. D’s punishment is over. It will be a really good full circle moment for him because it will not only bring him down to earth, but also Apollo was the one who made Camp Half Blood / was the original Camp Director. I actually have a lot of fan theories about what everyone will be doing when they get older and in the future.

Okay so my final thought on The Trials of Apollo.

The Trials of Apollo is one the the most well planned and written series in the Riordanverse. While Apollo’s literal trails were about reclaiming the five oracles the actual point of the trails were about Apollo taking accountability for the awful things he’s done. While each books is about a specific Oracle they are also about a particular part of his life that he ruined with his self destructive behavior.

The Hidden Oracle was about Apollo taking responsibility for the death’s of his two greatest loves Daphne and Hyacinthus.

The Dark Prophecy was about how Apollo has failed and ignored his children.

The Burning Maze is about Apollo’s treatment of demigod heroes and the part he played in sending them to their deaths

The Tyrants Tomb is about Apollo coming to terms with and taking accountability for the absolute worst things he ever did and discovering how he can move forward from them.

The Tower of Nero is About Apollo bringing all the lessons he’s learned together.

As the books go on Apollo slowly becomes less self centered and more humble. His inner monologues are were the change is most noticeable. At the beginning of the series in the Hidden Oracle Apollo’s inner monologue is so obnoxious its almost intolerable. However, slowly over the course of the books he becomes less obnoxious and more down to earth. His thoughts over time shift toward the people he loves and cares about instead of himself.

Meg and Apollo’s Abuse stories were so profound and honest about how Abuse happens. How Nero and Zeus trained Meg and Apollo to see them as the good guys when they were actually being abused, how the victim blaming worked, and how they came to the conclusion that they were abused. All of it so realistic and honest. Books like these may help real people see how they are being abused and to seek help.

These books were so great and I am excited for the stand alone books (WE KNOW YOU WRITING A NICO BOOK UNCLE RICK DON’T TRY TO HIDE IT) and the Celtic series he teased during The Tower of Nero.

Interested in hearing what you guys have to say. Tell me! Please be nice and respectful to everyone who comments!

(Note I am dyslexic like many other demigods and any constructive criticism about grammar and spelling mistakes are welcomed)

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bi-dazai · 3 years

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okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

#long post #this is mostly a vent but yeah #basically my decision is that im not touching any fat activism fatphobia etc with a ten foot pole #esp on this blog except to discuss my personal experience with it ie this post #personal #ok to rb #sorry for not putting it under a readmore im on mobile

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innermort · 3 years

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*** disclaimer: this is a very long diary type of entry that is probably quite boring for everyone else and may be ignored. it's merely a very lenghty epiphany I just had about my life and myself and I had to type it out for me, to lock in the thoughts, if you will. it was pretty therapeutic tho. 🙃 ***

10/Sept/2021

I just had the realization that I'm in the process of redefining every aspect of my self and my life.

I quit smoking cigarettes from one day to another exactly 2 months ago tomorrow and went from a heavy to a casual party smoker.

I rarely ever smoke weed anymore (plus when I did since quitting tabacco, I rolled with herbs) and now made the conscious decision to take another long break, so it doesn't interfere with my weight loss again. I get the worst munchies and have no self control when I'm stoned. I'm talking "5000+ cals in one sitting" type of binges. I'm not tolerating this kind of self sabotage anymore.

I re-discovered edblr. Yes. I know. Not the healthiest habit to get back into but it's the only thing that has actually helped me gain the motivation and willpower to put a stop to my raging sugar addiction and instead, an actual effort into losing weight again. Besides, I'm doing it in a much more careful and "responsible" way now (high restricting, taking supplements, no strict/exact calorie limit, very light to no exercise (okay, to be fair the reason for that is mainly my injured knee but still), letting myself eat/drink more than planned if I feel my body needs it). And let's not forget that I've literally been binging every day for the past 2 or 3 months. My diet nearly exclusively consisted of chocolate, pastries and pizza. Literally. I've gained 10 kgs (22lbs) during that time. That lifestyle was just as unhealthy, if not unhealthier.

I finally got to hang up and use my calender. Due to my ADHD (self diagnosed for now), I'm very forgetful and unorganized - at least in my private life. That's why I made the decision to get a big calender which I can use as a semi To Do/Buy list and appointment/meeting/bill reminder. Since I'm glueing a sticker to each day I got through without binging, I'm looking at it pretty much every day anyways. Plus, it's a motivater to not binge (reward that inner child)! Overall, it's helping me become more organized and put together which are two areas I've been lacking in in the past years. So far, I've been mostly using my phone notes but I usually write something down and immediately forget about it if it's not a grocery list or a To Do list I'm actively working through on that same day.

I have my first appointment at a psych ward since I was a teen. It's just a phone call and first get to know conversation but it's better than nothing and more than overdue. I'm finally taking the first steps towards getting diagnosed and being eligible for therapy. I'm sick of feeling like a victim of my own brain, I just want to be better. I deserve to be better.

I'm hungry for knowledge again. I deleted Tiktok from my phone because of how big of a distraction it was and because I realized that even though I'm being bombarded with new information everyday, I'm not learning anything. Our brains can't even comprehend the amount of information given in that short time span. Nothing sticks. Sure, you find out about some pretty cool stuff on TT depending on what kinda fyp you have but for me personally, it was just hours and hours of mindless scrolling in the end. It's crazy how addictive it is, too. Even despite the fact that I was already at a point where it didn't even give me that quick dopamine quick anymore. It felt boring and repetitive and I was merely doing it out of habit.

So, I got rid off the app. I started watching documentaries again. Mostly about gut health and mental illnesses like ADHD, Autism, BPD, Narcissm etc. Like TED talks or interviews/discussions by and with professionals/experts/diagnosed people. I'm back to not just craving but actually consuming something with substance, something that gives me more knowledge and insight on a topic. Something I actually want to know more about.

I realized and accepted that even though I am a creative mind, a fully creative job might just not be for me. I'm learning that maybe I'm the type of person who does something entirely different in their free time than what they do at work. And that that's very much okay. I noticed that at my job (this was the case for every job I ever had), my mind seems to work differently. When people expect me to do something, I have the needed pressure and motivation to get it done. I could also observe in myself that at work, I enjoy organizing/sorting stuff, I'm a fast and independent learner while I'm also excellent at training new employees, I'm much more detail oriented than in my private life - overall, it came to my attention that I might not actually be the ever chaotic forgetful mess who can't form a logic thought - or I can at least recognize that this is merely a part of me and not what defines and limits me as a person. I realized I actually like straightforward work, I like working alone and I like working precisely. When I was younger I would have never used any of these traits to describe my dream career. I would gag at the idea of working an office job and now I feel like this would actually suit me very well. Especially the working alone part would mean feeling less drained at the end of a work day and still having the energy to hang out with people I actually want to see. This is an extremely valuable lesson about myself that I finally seem to have learned.

After this big sub- and now concious evaluation about myself I'm also finally taking actual steps towards a possible career. I bought a course and worked through the first 2 lectures today, taking notes and writing everything down neatly for 3 - 3 1/2 hours (in total with breaks in between). I even got a notebook specifically for this new life project. I'm excited to learn. I feel scared, too. This is something I've never done before but I'm telling myself that trying won't hurt. I have my main job as a safety net, financially nothing can happen to me. I can only learn, even if I fail. And time will pass anyways, whether I get my ass up and put in the work or continue to be unhappy with what I'm doing without trying to change anything.

Speaking of finances, I also started taking those more seriously now. I stopped using my credit card (I was in negative numbers constantly, big numbers like -300 to -800€ due to constant overspending). I set up standing orders for my monthly fixed costs to make sure bills are always paid on time. Due to my forgetfulness and ADHD freeze I would often forget to pay or postpone paying bills until the reminder came in the mail and led to me having to pay on top or generating debt. I still have a little bit of debt to pay off but it's thankfully not a dramatic amount. I also have a second bank account for savings now where I transfer 200€ to every month. Even the simple act of calculating my fixed costs to see how much I can use for what was something that was desperately overdue. What I still have to do is sort out my receipts and write everything down in a housekeeping/budget book. And my first ever tax return. I am very much dreading both of these. 😃

Anyways. Wow. I really needed to type this out. I have the very harmful tendency to look at all the negative stuff and only focus on what I don't have and don't do. I really needed to take a long, deep look at all the things I've been changing around in the past couple months. A lot of it really passed me by until now. It's crazy but I really feel like a complete failure when my body isn't looking its best and it makes me blind for everything else. So, thank you to myself for reminding me that I am actually making a lot of progress, even if it has been in areas other than my fitness and looks. They're just as important (from a healthy brains point significantly more important, obviously) and deserve to be noticed and celebrated.

Conclusion: ❤️✨YAY, ME✨❤️

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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years

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Idk if this’ll seem creepy but I found a post on your account that mentioned the NHS.

Does that mean you live in the UK? If so, how did you get diagnosed with BPD? (…asking for a friend)

(Sorry if this is too personal)

Not creepy at all! I'll give you the back story because it wasn't a simple diagnosis -

Yes I live in the UK and basically I've had many signs of BPD leading up to adulthood- of course you can't get diagnosed until you're over 18 as they say anything below can be contributed to 'the teenage phase'... I literally would get so angry and blow up and I had the lowest self esteem, felt really unworthy etc... my mum took me to the doctors because she couldn't deal with my anger- but my parents would always invalidate my emotions... so it got worse. I'd get angry they would say 'women don't get angry', I'd have anxiety they would tell me 'nothing is wrong' etc. Doctors blamed it on me being a 'rowdy rebellious teen' but I realise now that I felt like no one was listening to me and I would react. They sent me to therapists, I had CBT for anxiety and depression, it didn't really help because something was still wrong - this continued until I was 18...

When I turned 20, I knew something definitely wasn't right... all my friends were moving through life, going to uni, had a sense of self … I didn't have that. I felt like I was still a child? like everyone around me was moving and growing and I was stuck in this childlike state trying to find out who I was and what I was doing. I hated myself- infact resented myself and I'd self sabotage and ruin every opportunity and friendship/relationship I had. I was also impulsive I'd do things to make myself feel better such as break things or go on non stop rants, buy things I didn't really need.

I went back to my GP last year ... explained this and they said... you guess it, DEPRESSION. I told them I had gone to hospital 3 or 4 times due to impulsively harming myself, I couldn't even function and I ruined all my relationships and life. I impulsively quit jobs, I ended friendships, I pushed people that cared for me away and then felt heartbroken afterwards and couldn't understand why I kept doing that.

The last time I went to the hospital they said I needed 'trauma therapy' ...I had an extremely volatile argument with my dad and I tried to hurt myself again and was extremely suicidal and knew I wasn't safe at home. They referred me to a service called 'The listening place' I had fortnightly calls with them, but it was mainly due to me feeling suicidal it didn't really combat anything.... I finished it and went back to my GP who then said psychiatrists wouldn't see me unless I was having severe mental health symptoms such as hallucinations or I was delusional and non functional. I begged them but they said...no! I was literally thinking... I'm desperate here, all they can do is prescribe me drugs and not even tell me wtf is wrong with me. They eventually said I'd be put on some waiting list for another type of therapy, I'd had enough.

It got to the point in 2020, where I'd got so unwell I literally couldn't function... I'd cry every day and I'd self destruct over anything... everything triggered me, you name it... I'd see people I knew graduating - I'd feel worthless, I'd be like what have I even done with my life? my birthday came up in October - a month later the police nearly had to break down my door because I'd not opened it and the helpline I called had marked me as a suicide risk. I went to hospital, the lady told me to meditate and go for a walk :))))))) like that's going to solve anything.

I was so confused why everything hurt so much... why I couldn't function, why I ruined everything so I went through my insurance and went privately. I'm going to be honest, the NHS failed me because I was begging them - I'd gone to hospital many times injured and obviously unwell- they had even said I was a risk to myself but wouldn't admit me to the psych ward because they had no beds. I don't know anyone who managed to get a diagnosis through the NHS because they fob everyone off and say its depression. Therapists wont diagnose, GP's are useless and will throw meds at you and they are very reluctant to prescribe anything.

When I got my diagnosis, I was both relieved but also in shock. They had told me it was 'EUPD' or emotionally unstable personality disorder.. I'd never heard of it referred to in that term, only BPD which I knew faintly of. If you have insurance go privately, some can get plans where you pay over a few months etc. But yeah, on the NHS it seems the only way they will diagnose you is if you're over 18 and are basically an inpatient or something because they refused to diagnose me, even when they told me I needed 'DBT' or 'Trauma therapy' they wouldn't give it a name they just said it was childhood trauma lmao. It may be different in other parts of the country but all the other people I know with BPD either had to do it privately or were inpatients and got diagnosed in the psychiatric hospital. Although you may have a really good doctor who may specialise in it and can help? but yeah I had the hardest time trying to find out what was wrong with me, the NHS don't like to diagnose it and once you have got diagnosed with it.... expect to be treated VERY differently by the NHS and doctors :) therapists now refuse to see me due to my diagnosis and I get told my episodes are because I'm 'emotionally unstable'... by MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

Good luck and all the best, it's not an easy journey.

#tw #bpd #ask #long post #eupd #trigger warning #suicide tw #nhs #uk #mental health #mental illness #psychiatrist #personal

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thoradvice · 4 years

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hi, I’m feeling a bit sad and anxious.. I feel like I’m wasting my time, on doing nothing. I wrote about it in my diary and it made me realize things. I get anxiety from thinking about my life in the future. And I constantly disappoint myself by doing absolutely nothing all day, everyday. I tell myself that maybe it is because I need to rest but I also feel like I don’t deserve to rest bc i literally haven’t done anything. It makes me feel SO horrible and stressed. A short pt. 2 coming sorry

ok pt. 2 :/ tw anxiety? I think a lot about what I’ll say when kids my age asks me when I’m 75 what I did as a teenager. It gives me so much anxiety bc I won’t have an answer. It may sound silly but this is one of my biggest fears. I’m lacking motivation to live and it’s so scary. I have a big dream but I can’t get myself to really work on it and get there. I can’t get myself to do ANYTHING. Sorry if I’m bothering you, that’s not my intention. I just have to talk to some1 than myparents&friends

hi there, sweetie. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. first off, i want you to know that you always deserve rest. rest is never ever something a person has to earn. you deserve rest because you’re a person, and we all deserve rest. i don’t like to say things such as “you’re X so you definitely deserve rest / etc”, because everyone deserves these basic things. but dealing with mental illness, especially anxiety is really exhausting. i’ve had bad anxiety pretty much since i can remember, and it’s mostly under control now, though it flares up sometimes without any kind of trigger - including recently. i’ve been exhausted this last week, because of it. it really affects you physically, as well as mentally. it’s so important to rest when you’re dealing with mental illness. i took a nap today and it worked wonders. my point is that rest is important and you will always deserve it.

with that in mind, a balance is also important. sometimes, you have to force yourself to do things, and that’s okay too. i’ll use another example from my own life, because i think it makes things clearer ! i have depression, and it’s debilitating a lot of the time. i’ve worked on myself & my mental health so much in the last year, and it’s gotten better. it’s still a nagging presence in my life, but it’s smaller now. sometimes, it flares up and i tend to have depressive episodes that last two weeks up to two months. thankfully, i have good coping mechanisms now, and they tend to be on the shorter end. anyway, i always give myself one or two days to rot, basically. it maybe doesn’t work for everyone, but i need that time to just feel what i’m feeling and experience and acknowledge it. after, i force myself into doing things that i know will make me feel better. i shower. i clean my room. i go for a walk. i do any things for school that i need to do. i reach out if i need to. sometimes, you just have to do it. if you feel that you’re slipping into a rut, try this out. it really does work.

onto your anxiety. this is something that is surprisingly common, i think. i know i’ve felt this way more than once, so you’re not alone. i want you to know that teenagers really don’t act like they do in the movies. sure, parties exist. i went to one when i was fifteen (just turned seventeen, for reference), and honestly it kinda sucked. everyone just sat in this girl’s living room listening to noughties music and drinking cheap alcohol. they’re extremely overrated. i can promise you that there are millions of teenagers who don’t go to parties, or have a ton of sex, or kiss a new person every week, or anything like that. if it makes you feel any better, my idea of a good night is watching a movie and sharing a pizza with my brother, and then watching some stupid sitcom alone in my room texting my girlfriend + friends all night. you don’t have to go on adventures with a group of 3-5 diverse friends, growing up along the way and falling in love with some girl who looks like a taylor swift knock-off to have a fun youth !! the phrase “life is not a john green novel” saved me from so much of this anxiety.

you’re a teenager. you don’t have to be working on your dreams right now. you don’t have to be doing anything but staying afloat. you have your entire life to build your dreams. i know the media bombards us with child prodigies and adolescents who are “changing the world”. but it’s more than okay to just focus on surviving for now, and leave your dreams til you’re older and more capable. you don’t have to do anything big to be meaningful or change the world. you change the world just by existing every day. the world would not be the same without you.

lacking the motivation to live is serious, and i’m so sorry you feel this way. if you can, please see a professional as soon as you can. feelings like this can often seem quite minor, but it’s scary how quickly it can turn into full blown depression & suicidal thoughts. you do not have to wait until it gets worse to get help. you deserve to feel better now. a professional would also be extremely beneficial in helping with your anxiety around life, too.

best of luck with everything, and i’m always here if you need to talk about anything. <33

#ask #anon #thor gives advice #anxiety #mental illness #motivation

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princessmadafu · 3 years

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37 bleedin’ pages!

I have condensed them for you and left out most of the bits that the nasty evil British Press have already covered. Feel free to skip any boring bits.

Dax Shepard: Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert's Experts on Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Mouse.

Monica Padman: Hi.

[...]

There follows some heavy marketing of towels and stuff...

DS: Now please enjoy Prince Harry. We are supported by Brookelinen. My favourite hotel quality sheets to get into and writhe around in the nude. [...] They're impeccable. They're decadent, they're soft, they're absorbent. Brookelinen was started to create beautiful high quality home essentials that don't cost an arm and a leg. They're so confident in their product, they come with a 365 day warranty. So give yourself that comfort refresh you deserve and get it for less. Go to Brookelinen.com and use promo code 'expert' to get $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's Brookelinen.com and enter promo code 'expert' for $20 off with a minimum purchase of $100. That's Brookelinen.com, promo code 'expert'.

Pretty ironic really, as Harry wades into fake news and how advertising algorithms are ruining us...

DS:...It's like the algorithms on the internet. You can't compete with that, a human.

PH: You can't if you have the awareness of what it's doing to you. And the fact that it's learning, which is scary. And advertising has been going on for hundreds of years, but done really responsibly. The difference here is targeted ads. If ads have always worked for companies, you can put on the TV, you can walk away, you can come back, your involvement is switching on switching off or changing the channel. Whereas now with algorithms is there, it's just feeding your habits. And it's also reading through your emails and everything else. So it's getting to know you, like, it gets to know the decisions you're gonna make before you make them, then it creates this echo chamber of no pushback, of no context of nothing. It's just perpetuating and feeding the bias and the habits that you already have inside of you, which is terrible.[...]

Harry needs to learn about AdBlock and Ghostery and VPNs and Tor and DuckDuckGo and Smartpage and all the other clever little ways the computer-literate have of ridding their lives of unwanted advertising. I haven't seen an ad in years. The only person feeding my habits is me. It’s called personal responsibility. Maybe Harry still needs a Nanny but most grown-ups don’t. Oh wait, I forgot, the “Meghan&Harry Show” fans are all kids.

PH: [...] It's a computer. It's like, who wrote the algorithms? You guys did? Probably all male and all white.

Oooh, let's be sexist and racist, Harry! Did you ever hear of these women or are they too scary?

https://biztechmagazine.com/article/2012/05/mothers-technology-10-women-who-invented-and-innovated-tech

Then they discuss Naked Vegas (this guy Dax has a thing about nudity) and Harry in Afghanistan. And discuss a calendar of naked men that DS and MP put together - their favourite male bodies. What a good job it's only gloating over naked male bodies and not naked female bodies. It's apparently acceptable, for some reason. Harry doesn't know who the guys are.

DS: Monica makes this for me every year and it's a calendar of all my favourite bodies of friends.

MP: And they're all men.

DS: They're all men.

MP: And they're all gorgeous bodies.

[...]

And is Harry nervous talking about mental health? He shouldn't be, he's been banging on about it for years.

PH: Yeah. Was I nervous? No. Not so much nervous. But I guess on this particular subject around mental health. Yeah. For me, it's always a, unfortunately, today's world is quite a sensitive subject, not just for the people who are sharing. But ultimately, the subject matter itself has to be handled with care. [...] It ends up getting weaponized by certain people.

Weaponised by certain people? Like him and Markle, for instance. Neither of 'em has any talent so they weaponise their mental health. Big big mental health bombs loaded with word salad to lob at their own families and cause huge distress. Not nice, Harry.

PH: That's how I've always felt when it comes to projection. I mean, hatred is a form of projection, right? [...] We're not born to hate people. So it manifests itself over a period of time. And of course, it can come from unresolved pain, or being hurt continually, as a young kid or through adult life. But ultimately, there's a source to it. There's a reason why you want to hate somebody else.

Like his dad, his brother...

PH: And actually have some compassion for them. Which is really hard when you're on the receiving end of this, like, just vile, toxic abuse. But the reality is, is you say, flip it. [...] Every single one of us wherever we are, wherever we come from, there will always try and find some way to be able to mask the actual feeling and be able to try and make us feel different to how we are actually feeling, perhaps having a feeling. Right, because so many people are just numb to it. That was a huge part of the beginning of my life, which was like, I rejected. I said, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine.

And now he's moved on to promoting his new mental health stuff with Oprah, The Me You Can't See...

PH: So if you are making that conscious decision to say: You know what, it's not self serving, but I want to share my story. I'm being asked to share my story to hopefully help someone or loads of other people. I'm probably going to get trolled. I'm probably going to get attacked by the same people that were doing anyway. If I'm willing to make that decision, surely that comes from a place of courage rather than weakness?

Or possibly naivety. Harry is only wanted for his money-making title and royal status; he has no mental health qualifications, he's not a mental health professional, he's not an expert, all he brings to the table is the glamour of being a prince of the BRF. Which he quite clearly hates. Markle is lining her pockets from their self-indulgent mental health whinge fest and he's too dim to see it. There follows the bit about the spectrum of upbringing that the press is covering nicely so I can skip the next few pages - the bits where Harry says he doesn't see that talking about his own issues is complaining, and “it's the job, right”, how he never wanted the job of being royal, and his therapy and how “massively self-critical” he is (yet still can't see that he's not being honest with himself), ooh and sharing his hatred of the British press - that's a good bit, let's skip to page 18:

PH I think the biggest issue for me was that being born into it, you inherit the risk, you inherit the risk that comes with it, you inherit every element of it without choice. And because of the way that the UK media are, they feel an ownership over you. Literally like a full on ownership. And then they give the impression to some of their, well, most of the readers, that that is the case. But I think it's a really dangerous place to be if you don't have a choice, but then, of course, then people quite rightly will turn around and go. So what if you didn't have a choice? It was privilege? [...] Page Six of the New York Post, they took pictures of my son being picked up from school on his first day [...] But I guess my point is the way that I look at it, especially now living here one hour outside LA. Like it's a feeding frenzy here. We spent the first three and a half months living at Tyler Perry's house. You let us stay. And the helicopter helicopters, the drones the paparazzi cutting the fence like it was madness. And people out there -Their response was, Well, what do you expect if you live in LA? It's like, Okay, well, first of all, we didn't mean to live in LA. This is like a staging area before we try and find a house. And secondly, how sad that if you live in LA and you're well known figure, you just have to accept it. The first security we had, I said, Well, where's the safest place? Inside. Just because I'm a well known person, you can't go outside anymore. [...] it's really, really sad. And of course, their argument is - the paparazzi and everybody else - is like all if you're in the public space, then it's absolutely fine for us to do it. So what is our human right as an individual and as a family, you're saying that if the moment we step foot out of our house, that it's open season and free game? What? Because of public interest?. There's no public interest in you taking your kids for a walk down the beach. Nothing...

And on and on it goes... He should've stayed in the UK then. The Cambridges are managing very nicely, thank you. They take their kids for walks on the beach, and we'd never seen them until they released their anniversary video the other week. Harry's clearly envious of William; Harry's mad wife is vitriolically envious of Catherine. Oh and I’m pretty sure it’s the mad wife who keeps phoning her go-to paps when she needs to be in the news again.

PH: [...] I believe we live in an age now where you've got certain elements of the media redefining to us what privacy means. There's a massive conflict of interest. And then you've got social media platforms, trying to redefine what free speech means. Why - I wonder why you're doing that. And again - so this has been happening for 15 years now. And we're living in this world where we've almost like all the laws have been completely flipped by the very people that need them flipped so they can make more money and they can capitalise off our pain, grief, and this sort of general self destructive mode that's happening at the moment [...]

He doesn't get how hypocritical this is, does he? The Markles are the ones capitalising on their grief, pain and the rest of it. And no-one would be interested in them without the royal bits because they have nothing else to offer. Failed actress and used-to-be-a-soldier wrapped up in festering bitterness.

Blah, blah... went shopping in a supermarket... saw lots of chewing gum... blah, blah... Archie on the back of his bicycle... girls want to be princesses... You don't need to be a princess, you can create the life that will be better than any princess or it's something along those lines... she said she expected [the press] to be fair... Pages and pages of how he hates the British press...

PH: [...] And especially when you can't defend yourself so yes, I think when you marry into it, especially when it's one Princess Diana's sons there is a certain amount of 'okay what I'm actually letting myself in for?' But very few people actually know - apart from the Brits - how toxic that element of the of the UK press is.[...]

We're up to page 24 now, if you're still with me. Oh here it is, Harry's unconscious bias... What’s the betting the mad wife has scripted this bit for him?

PH: [...] So going back to the whole sort of travelling around the Commonwealth, I thought I knew, right, having been able to travel that much and meet so many and such a diverse group of people. I thought I understood life. Especially bearing in mind most of the countries I was going to were, most of the communities are going to were people of colour. But then I was really shocked once I started doing therapy. And that bubble was burst. And I started doing my own work, really - a lot of work - and started to uncover and understand more about unconscious bias. And I was like, wow, I thought since I screwed up when I was younger, and then did the work. I thought I then knew. But I didn't. And I still don't fully know. It's like a constant working progress. And every single one of us has it. [...] Everyone has biases, of all sorts. But I think it's a really important point, especially now, after everything's happened in the last year and a half, like the world is changing, the younger generation are driving it. And you've got to like a multi-racial, cultural sort of movement happening, which has never happened before. But unconscious bias is the way that I understand it, is, again, it's not something that's wrong with you. Right? And you don't have to be defensive about it. That's the thing. No one's blaming you. But the moment that you acknowledge that you do have unconscious bias, what are you going to do about it? Because if you choose to do nothing you're continuing to fuel the problem, which means that you're then heading towards racism. Whereas unconscious bias is actually something that is inherent, unfortunately, in every single one of us. But that it is possible to educate yourself to be more aware of the problems and therefore be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

Markle's got him well-trained on this one, hasn't she. I wonder if he's read anything critical of the unconscious bias movement, or just repeating what he's been told to. Oh and then he goes off about being in the army...

PH: I loved it. I love wearing the same uniform as everybody else. I love being treated the same. I love the expectation of if you want to get that job, or you want that promotion, or you want to finish this race, it's all on you. There's no special treatment, you're not going to get any help. If anything, you're probably going to get treated the opposite because everyone thinks that you've had an easy life. And everyone's always helped you get to where you are.

But...but...but, Harry wasn't treated the same, there was special treatment, he was helped to get to where he was. He scraped a couple of poor quality A Levels and got admitted to Sandhurst because he's a prince. Good old Wikipedia says:

In June 2003, Harry completed his education at Eton with two A-Levels,[22] achieving a grade B in art and D in geography, having decided to drop history of art after AS level.[23] He has been described as "a top tier athlete", having played competitive polo and rugby union.[24] One of Harry's former teachers, Sarah Forsyth, has asserted that Harry was a "weak student" and that staff at Eton conspired to help him cheat on examinations.[25][26] Both Eton and Harry denied the claims.[25][27] While a tribunal made no ruling on the cheating claim, it "accepted the prince had received help in preparing his A-level 'expressive' project, which he needed to pass to secure his place at Sandhurst."[25][28]

PH: And then suddenly, like - while I was at school, I hated exams. And I promised myself I'd never do exams again. Then I joined the army of which is full of exams. I still promised myself I'm never gonna do it and then I end up flying Apache [...]

Gods, it's getting boring. Even the interviewers are zoning out. Still ten pages to go. Wish I hadn't started this, I could be out weeding. Weather's nice, not too windy... Do I deserve a quick G&T yet?

PH: Or worse, was they turn around and say, right, because last week, you're out the front. This week, you got to carry his bergan, I'm like - what, 30 extra pounds? Nooo. But it was, it was the most normalising experience or job that I could have ever hoped for. And then going to Afghanistan twice [...] And someone said to me very recently, from the moment that you're born into today's world, life is trauma, so the sooner that we actually acknowledge that but but [...]

A-a-a-a-and he's back on the mental health thing, PTSD or PTSI,

PH: Post Traumatic Stress Injury is like: Well, that makes sense, because I just saw my mate get blown out. But the other piece of this is, what we need to remember is, the lot of the recruiting that we do in the UK, comes from certain cities and certain homes, where there's childhood trauma. So what we collectively have already got inside of us, the trigger of seeing something happen in Iraq, Afghanistan can be the trigger. So everyone goes: Oh, it's because they were on operations, and because they saw their makeup blown up. It's like, no. [...] So that's what I've been working on for years, for the last five years, which is like, and it started in therapy of like, I don't want to lose this thing, because I think it's, I feel so connected to my mum. [...]

They move on to parenting, which the press is rubbing its hands over... Harry blaming everyone but himself and his saintly mother - Charles, HMTQ, PP... "They f*ck you up, your mum and dad". But not the mum bit. He can't push his mum off her pedestal.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse if you don't know Larkin's poetry. How much more? Nearly there. Monica loves The Crown and doesn't realise it's fictitious.

DS: [...]Well, Harry, I've really really liked talking to you. You're very charming. You're very intelligent. You're handsome, and I can't wait to see your torso.

MP: Thank you so much for coming.

DS: So I just want to remind everyone that May 21 on Apple Plus, you should check out Oprah and Prince Harry's 'The Me You Can't See'. I have to imagine it's similar to her book, which I just read, which is absolutely incredible 'What happened to you?' So everyone should check out 'The me you can't see' on Apple plus May 21.

And still Harry won't shut up... Shut up, shut up. Cut his mic. You don't have to read this last bit, they've already wound up the interview...He still won’t shut up.

PH: Yeah, we're moving from the physical to the emotional, right, physically. At the beginning of this pandemic, people were panicking. And there was that fight or flight like, ahh what do we do like lockdown, survival? Yeah. And now that the vaccines have been sort of, we're getting to the point where more and more people are being vaccinated, we're now in the emotional phase of what I read in the New York Times article was called languishing, which is really interesting. It's like the is the middle child between flourishing and depression. You just feel flat, and it's not depressed. It's definitely not flourishing. You lack the energy and the will, the motivation, all that kind of stuff. Because you're kind of sitting there going - Well, what happens next? And I think it's really important that we talk about languishing. And it was coined by someone I can't remember who but I think it was the journalist who wrote the story was Adam Grant. No, he didn't come up with it. Someone else came up with him, he wrote this, the most amazing article about languishing and the fact that how important it is to be able to talk about it because - look when it comes to mental health, we need to realise and accept that every single one of us have mental health. There's varying degrees, as we said, you've got the mental illness, and then you've got the sort of the awareness and the work that you can put in, like, Where do you want to be that we shouldn't just sit there and go: Oh, mental illness is once we are literally on the floor crawling around in the foetal position needing help. But for me, I don't think I need therapy anymore. But I wanted. And when I say therapy, I mean, actual therapy, sitting down having a discussion with someone. But I also mean like, nature, like going for walks, like throwing the ball for my dog down the beach and stuff like that. There are certain things around the world that are free, some you have to pay for, but ultimately go searching for the things that make you feel good about yourself. Like that's the key to life, get rid of the bad stuff, get rid of the hate, and just focus on the good. And your whole life turns around from that. I hate this idea. And I was one of them. I fell for it. Right? I didn't acknowledge that clearly what happened to me when I was 12 years old, losing my mom and all the other pieces that happened, the traumatic experiences that happened to me since then, I didn't acknowledge them, when perhaps - maybe I need to deal with this because if I don't, how the hell am I going to be a decent father to my son and my daughter? Like that awareness, I didn't have then. But again, we've got what - 40 experts as part of this series, and the Surgeon General, Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, she's absolutely fantastic. And she was talking about this concept of mental health being sort of public health, right. Because the services are so limited. There's not enough money. The problem is actually immense. How can we all help each other rather than this: 'Oh, once I'm broken, or once I'm suffering, I have to go here.' And there's not enough rooms or spaces for the amount of people or the for the need, when actually you can get ahead of it, and work on the prevention by sharing and being more vulnerable with each other, and being able to process this grief or this loss, or this trauma that every single one of us have experienced and will experience. So anyone who's sitting there going: 'I don't have a problem, and I never will have a problem.' Well, you probably are already contributing to the problem, because you probably got your blinkers on, you probably created your own echo chambers. So I think it's a that, that's certainly what I've experienced for my own process, my own journey, my family and my friends and everybody else is. Anyone who thinks, oh, we're fine. You're the one who's like, willing to talk about it. It's like, yeah, I'm willing to talk about it and talking about it. And the financial element as well. We're pouring money into on the downsteam, when it's like, Can we just focus upstream? Yeah, we focus on one thing, like to me listen to Oprah was what was one of the reasons that this whole thing started was two of the biggest issues that we're facing in today's world, I think, is the climate crisis, and mental health. And they're both intrinsically linked. Basically if we neglect our collective wellbeing, then we're screwed. Basically, because we can't look after ourselves. We can't look after each other. We can't look after each other, we can't look after this home that we all inhabit. So it's all part of the same thing.

DS: Prince Harry, I don't say this lightly. I love you. Thanks for coming. This was great.

M: Thank you so much.

PH: Thank you very much.

Wish I'd done my weeding.

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angelicspaceprince · 5 years

Text

Youtuber!Beetlejuice Headcanons

Ok so Youtuber/Gamer!Beetlejuice has hit my tumblr with a force, so I’m going to write my own set for you here. Also, your channel has a mishmash of subject ideas because I’m trying to cater to everyone. It looks super unrealistic but hey its fantasy bby!

This also didn’t end the way I wanted it to and it stops kinda abruptly, its half past 5 in the morning. I need a nap.

His channel is a MESS

There is no consistency, except for the fact that he posts every day

But every day, no one knows what they’re gonna get

And he does everything

Beej may promise that its going to be a conspiracy theory video, but then he posts a video of him eating tide pods straight from the bag with a shit eating grin on his face with the caption ‘DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME – I’M A DEAD GUY THESE WON’T HURT ME’ plastered all over the screen because he genuinely cares for his viewers

Lydia helps him with editing, Adam and Barbra help set up his recording space which is just a large corner in the attic, Delia helps him plan ideas and Charles just leaves him to it

If he ever posts an ASMR video, do not open it

It’s just a video of him screaming into the microphone and making loud noises with him cackling after each one

Cooking videos usually end with him just straight up eating stuff no one should eat

Gaming videos go between him playing horror and laughing his ass off at how bad they are to him playing Animal Crossings and just being so happy that these people are kind to him and want to spend time with him

Live streams a LOT

It annoys his mods a little bit because he doesn’t have a schedule, and he only gives them a 30 second warning so if they see it, they have to quickly jump on over to mod the comment section

People just love the chaotic energy he radiates and if you mention a video idea, he will most definitely do it by the end of the month because he just wants to try e v e r y t h i n g

Lydia helps create merch for him so he can sell stuff. Most of the money goes to Lydia or the others in the house for helping him out, although he does save up to get better quality equipment to replace the stuff, he totally didn’t steal

If people mention about how depressed they are or if they feel disgusting but he makes them feel better, or even joked about suicide, in the live stream everything stops and he just looks down the camera and assures them that they are beautiful and deserve to live and suicide is never the way to deal with your problems, trust him, he knows

Everything just goes all serious until he has said his piece, no one is commenting and then he goes back to his happy self and is all like ‘don’t worry babes, I got ya back!’ and continues on chatting about nonsense for a while

He runs constant streams for charities that focus on mental health, it’s his one platform

He rarely accepts sponsors for his videos, he does have a patreon though

He has only accepted 3 sponsors in his time on Youtube, all of them were surrounding suicide and self-harm prevention

Offers really shitty advice but he has the spirit and means well

His followers affectionately call themselves ‘Juicey’s Babes’ which he finds hysterical

Anyone who’s been on a call with him can confirm that he is just as chaotic in real life as he is on his channel, it is not an act

But he genuinely cares and remembers everything about his followers, if one pops up on the stream chat, he will ask about their days and if the date went well with the guy from work etc.

Does do educational videos when he finds out from Lydia that sex ed in the US is pretty piss poor and that’s unacceptable! Teaches you how to put on condoms and what a clit is

Is constantly demonetised from Youtube but doesn’t give a shit

It wasn’t until someone suggested that he do a reaction video for one of your vids that he falls in love with your channel for the first time

It, too, is a mish mash of things but your schedule is a lot more constant, posting 5 days a week as a full time professional youtuber. It was exhausting but you love the work

Video game streaming or singing a cover of a song on alternate Mondays, Conspiracy videos or exploring cold cases and the supernatural on alternate Tuesdays, Cooking videos on Wednesday, general chat and educational videos on Thursday, Story Time, Crafts and Challenges on Friday with a live stream every third Saturday just talking smack

He falls in love with your channel so quick, and during the time he’s not filming or editing or whatever, he’s watching your videos

He joins your discord and talks there often

Lydia reaches out to you to ask if you’d do a collab with Beetlejuice and you agree, loving him on your discord chat and also the few videos you’ve seen

You agree to do a live reaction to the most recent Buzzfeed Unsolved video that was coming out that Saturday for your live stream, and that for his next gaming video you’d join in and play Animal Crossing with him

Beetlejuice is SO nervous when it comes to that Saturday, he really wants to impress you and not embarrass himself

It goes so well, people are commenting about what a good duo the two of you make as you crack jokes with one another, and even after the streaming finishes, you end up video chatting on your private discord for the rest of the afternoon

The gaming stream goes even better, having known each other a little better now and having found your rhythm which lead to a better stream

Suddenly, the two of you were doing collabs at least once a month, and Beetlejuice could feel himself falling hard for you

The two of you spoke nearly every day on Discord, mostly doing it via video or voice chat so you didn’t waste time typing

If either of you ended up on each other’s livestreams on Twitch or Youtube, everyone is a flurry because you end up joking with each other through the comments and its always fun to watch the two of you banter

Definitely have a few people ‘ship’ you and Beetlejuice is confused because what’s a ship?

Eventually, you get offered to go to Vidcon and when you told Beetlejuice, he revealed he did too but he wasn’t sure if he was gonna go

You say that’s a shame because you were really looking forward to officially meeting him and that Changed His Mind Quick Smart

There was so much prep that was going into Vidcon, you both agreed to do your stream there and just do bits of behind the scenes filming together

You both knew what you looked like and both knew you got along, but both of you were nervous the closer the day arrived

End up doing a panel together and that’s when you first meet, mostly because you were running super late and couldn’t meet before hand

Beetlejuice is literally buzzing with excitement and when you walk on stage, apologising for running late, he just beams and tackles you into a hug

He’s just so excited to finally meet you in person

(A video of him attacking you goes up on youtube and is instantly gif’ed and becomes a meme because everyone loves how excited he was to finally meet you and touch you)

You end up spending more time together than initially planned, but neither of you minded

The first video when you get back is filmed at your place and is titled ‘How I managed to snag a hottie for a girlfriend’, with the icon being Beetlejuice pointing at you with an excited look on your face, you rolling your eyes with your head in your hands

Everyone’s OTP

You keep your individual channels but definitely start doing more collabs on the reg whilst maintaining that perfect life/work balance, not everything needs to go on Youtube

You end up moving to be closer to him, you meet the family and Beetlejuice is just so so happy

And so are you

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