#fungi.doc
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Huge fan of being neglected man /s
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Honestly maybe I should just put suicide back on the menu. Why not. I'm the only person really stopping myself
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Abandonment issues are fun because you'll do everything right and still be deathly scared
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I'm just a waste of resources man
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Having another one of those nights
#or well. more like have been for like a good few days now#I'm so fucking suicidal it's genuinely such torture and living with my family makes it so much worse#and what's worst is that I'm not going to kill myself either so what's the fucking point#my mental state has me completely immobilized other than trying to chat with my friends#and even then everything just reminds me of how much I hate myself and my family and my country#and like sure things are drastically better but I am physically capable of being fine as long as I live under this roof in this country#I want to die so fucking bad and I can't even do that. god. I'm so fucking useless#at least I don't hate myself as much. I guess that's something#fungi.doc#suicide#suicidal ideation
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yeah man I'm doing better than ever 👍 except that if I'm alone with my thoughts for more than 2 minutes I want to explode
#literally everything points to me needing professional mental health but every time I went to a professional I ended up less sane so like.#yeah ik I hate my memory issues but remembering what happened also sucks so like.#sigh#I wish I could just awake anew without all this residue in my brain#fungi.doc#like. it's over. it's all behind me. so why I'm still upset?
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Thinking about how my relationship with womanhood may very well be permanently damaged
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No longer gonna keep on living for my brother. This leave me with only two reasons to live. Might want to find more...
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Why is my family like physically unable of respecting me. Why is asking for them to wait for me THREE MINUTES too much. Why do I always have to drop everything instantly but I always have to wait eternities for them. I hate them. I fucking hate them. I can't fucking do this anymore I am forced to take every hit and not fight back I am in hell
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Big fan of how my only two paths at this point are torturing myself by staying alive or killing myself
#fungi.doc#suicide#at least staying alive means that happiness is a possibility#but like#it's always trapped under these layers of abuse I physically cannot avoid from the people I live with#so like. I have to live for a better future. and I will. but god can it please get literally any fucking easier
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I can't keep fucking doing this man. I will never be treated with basic fucking respect in this house. I need to kill myself
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Genuinely cannot wait until I can stop pretending to be [deadname]. Until I can stop making myself so small, until I can stop being so demure and submissive.
And I know that I'm doing it as a means of survival, but to be honest, it's just killing me slower than the other way around.
I can't wait to be safe to be myself.
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