#listen this is all i'm gonna do today.
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the barbie trailer did dredge up this long-buried memory of one time when i was ten and at conservative christian school with a bunch of my very sheltered conservative christian peers and one of the girls i was having lunch with mentioned something about going to college and i said "yeah, that'll be cool! as long as we live that long i guess" and she said "what??" and i said "i mean, it's a long time away?? a lot can happen?? we could die in a car accident?? someone could attack the school?? i don't know if i'll be alive in eight years"
and she just.
made. the D: face.
in real life.
#sorry liz from my childhood. i don't fucking know why i said that either#i'm of the youngest millennials like immediately pre climate apocalypse pre school shooter drill stuff so#I HAD NO FUCKING REASON. TO ASSUME WE WERE ALL GONNA DIE#LIKE AT LEAST TODAY'S KIDS WOULD BE DRAWING A REASONABLE IF FLAWED CONCLUSION BASED ON LISTENING TO THEIR PARENTS#BUT ME. WHAT WAS I DOING#barbie#death ig
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truly what a guy
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#arthur lester#arthur malevolent#john doe#john malevolent#my art#ahfdgfghsdd i have so many important things to do but these two have overtaken all of my waking thoughts so i'm fucked to say the least#adgfd i just wanna talk about them with someone but no one i know has the energy for that 12h long infodump#straight up today was my first truly no work day in a few weeks and what did i do? spent half the day figuring out how i want to draw arthur#still not sure if this the direction i wanna take his design in but somehow along the process he ended up as like my ideal look on masc days#tbh i don't have the time to unpack whatever that says about me ywy#john's design is very much still a first draft but i can't think about it too much or i might just actually go insane#this podcast makes me unwell(affectionate)#the universe is so evil for not letting me just draw them all day long ywy#in an ideal world it would be no diploma no uni applications only malevolent#.....i'm gonna stop with the rambling now#so yeah go listen to malevolent
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[ID: a digital drawing of Hunter and Willow from the owl house based on the "lesbians doing makeup" meme. Hunter is lying beneath Willow, who straddles him while doing his makeup. He looks at her somewhat dazed and she looks at him fondly. the background is a mid-tone blue. End ID]
This is what they are. To me
#the owl house#toh#hunter toh#willow park#huntlow#this the. 3rd? huntlow meme redraw I've done?#it's fun okay?#yesterday and today were pretty okay but they left me WIPED OUT and this was all i could make lmao#i probably could've spent more time on this but also it was just a silly meme redraw for fun lol it doesn't have to be the mona lisa#<- saying that through gritted teeth btw. it does not have to be the mona lisa#man I'm even too tired for tag rambles i do not have much to say#i will say that i contemplated doing this with amity and willow instead but I'm not super huge into them romantically#hence i figured that as much as i love the off-screen makeover Amity gave willow in s2 (that i lowkey wish ppl did more with)#I'd prefer to indulge myself this once lol#she's gonna give him red eyeshadow i think :]#i was gonna try and draw each of them with more makeup but it straight up didn't look right in my style lol#so uh. just imagine#okay i gotta go listen to music like my life depends on it hope u guys enjoy
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DARK CREAM WEEK: day 5- punish/reward
idk man i think your threats would work a lot more often if you stopped being so handsome about it fdrgbegh<333
dark cream week and comic are by @zu-is-here
#dark cream week#dark cream#my art#cross#dream#shattered dream#s!d#cross is just panicking a little bit! shattered could threaten to murder him and he'd still find that hot tbh... our favorite simp<333#no but GJGYIKH remind me to never listen to my ideas when i'm feverous xD#i swear i flip flopped so hard deciding what to do for that day omg#it was supposed to be angst at first but gosh enough of that already am i right?! something a little more lighthearted was needed!!#now this was supposed to be a small comic- then a comic with a little bit of animation in some panels- then an actual animation#because hey why not just put some more energy into it since it's really not that different right? <- famous last words#i'm sorry i'm a little tired xD you could not pay me to color/shade this like for real i just CAN'T#some parts could be smoother but hey! it's all good in the end >:'Dc#wish i could've posted it in time tho that would've been the first time i followed through a weekly event perfectly xd ah well#btw i'm also posting twice today!! i still need to finish the art for day 6 tho so it's gonna be a little later hgkhgh :'D#hope you guys like this!! <333
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listen. i'm always happy whenever someone leaves a comment because they enjoy my writing. whether it's a quick "love it!" or a longer dissection of whatever they've read, it warms my heart that they took the time out of their day, however brief, to let me know that they liked my work. i don't consider myself entitled to receive comments for posting my work, which makes every single one i get a gift!
but comments like these (particularly ones that come from profiles that haven't posted fic and are aggregates of bookmarks*) really do leave a bad taste in my mouth:
so, let me spell some things out for anyone who may be unaware:
I don't write for you.
I write for myself.
I am writing fic for free in the little spare time i have.
You are not entitled to my (or anyone else's) work
i haven't posted fic to ao3 since literally january of this year. i also wish i were posting fic more frequently, trust me. the only thing worse than writing is not writing. but asking "where's the rest????" and "part 2????" only activates my spite response to not post. you'll get updates to fics when you get updates. writing fanfiction is a hobby for me. i do it for fun. but i also take my craft (writing) very seriously. i want to write a good, compelling story and i take great care in the writing process. it's laborious to begin with, and on top of that, i am a meticulous planner. it takes me much longer to write a fic than it does for you to read it -- yes, even for the short ones and smutfics!
it's the famous "pick two: high quality, cheap, and fast", and unfortunately for all of us, if you want my "not bad"-writing and have it also remain free, then you're gonna have to be patient.
*i'm not saying that this is an incorrect way to use ao3. if you're using ao3 as a place to keep track of the fics you like, that's a valid way to use the site, and not what i'm mad about. it's the entitlement.
#listen. these comments really do roll off me like water off a duck#because i'm comfortable with my 'i write for myself' and 'no one is entitled to my work' ideology#but this is also 100% a piece of modern fandom culture where i am putting my foot down#which is to say: people can send me these comments all they want. but they will not guilt trip me into working faster#you'll get your update when you get your update. no sooner and no later.#whining wombat#anyway. i woke up in a fighting mood today apparently and the email i got from ao3 did not help#bitches didn't even leave kudos or anything so i'm really not feeling compelled to indulge in their requests ya know?#i update when i update. and if i don't. well then you're just gonna have to learn how to live with disappointment.#sorry to have to be the one to teach you that lesson
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Sam's blueberry pie 🫐🥧 Which he's, as per the running joke on this blog, just as normal as U◠꓃ ◕ U
#been trying to paint on this new tablet my brother got me and my heart immediately gravitated to food jaja#digital art is still so new to me and it's been fun trying to work it out!! my main respite is being able to work with colors comfortably :]#in traditional art it's really exhausting to color besides the splashes of color I like to do so I just. don't do it anymore#exciting things!! now I'm a bonafide traditional And digital artist. feels funky#anyway I've also been linking music in all my recent posts - which I'm gonna keep doing bc it's nice to brag about my music taste a little#NO idea if anyone actually clicks on them/listens to them but it's nice anyway :] I link the most relevant song to the piece#whether it's what I was mostly listening to while drawing/writing or the driving inspiration for the piece itself. fun fact if anyone cares#for this one I listened to (because I always tag the song name/artist):#delegation oh honey#and also red dead music/gameplay. funny considering huh#ANYWAY I'M DONE YAPPING. I had a lot to say today for some reason. ciao adios khodahafez antio au revior tschüss etc etc#digital art#morelikesin#my art#don't steal#original#finished#food
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clancy
#guess who took the longest possible way home today just to listen to this masterpiece of an album#you guys are laughing but it's my only oxygen these days#i don't think i am physically capable of listening to anything else right now#and it's been like what two weeks?#idk time is not a real thing anyway so who's counting#have i mentioned this album has no skips at all#i only didn't really like midwest indigo on my first listen HAHAHA HAHA HA-#you goddamn fool.#this song slaps just like the rest of them#anyway#mutuals do me a favour go listen to clancy#this lore is fantastic#you don't have to listen for the lore you can just vibe if you want#but if you think about the symbolism it's actually insane and i feel like most of us can relate#and i'm not only talking about clancy but like about the entire twenty one pilots discography#or at least last four albums#cause there's not much of it on clancy tbh but like#it's the album of the year i can already tell you#brb gonna sell my kidney (or the eras tour ticket) to see them live next year#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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Local guy has 0 preservation skills, ready to throw hands with a God, more at 10
#spooky arts#faaf au#VERY simple doodle of a scenario my bestie and I were talking about today#Petunia just watched this woman tear like 50 armed guys to shreds with her bare hands but she's still gonna go off on her for being a bad#mother. Lummis is actively drafting a will in his head. Meanwhile PK and Flower are having world's most awkward surgery#as they listen to this#Also sorry I'm still gonna do requests soon. But between personal projects irl stuff and commissions I don't have the energy 😭#Going to the zoo tomorrow with my mum so I'm gonna be gone all day and then probably be too exhausted to draw#Idk why I'm bothering uploading this low quality 5 minute doodle dkdhfj. I guess to let y'all know I'm not dead o7#oc: lummis#oc: petunia
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sometimes at work i get emails about changes in our department that i feel are 100% because of me. and maybe that's just me being anxious and paranoid but actually it certainly isn't.
#one time i was working at our drive thru window (that's something we have for some reason) and trying to empty the drop bins at the#same time. but the problem with that is the drop bins are LITERALLY halfway across the library#and my boss was working in the workroom at the time (which he almost never does bc he has an office)#so he saw that everytime i managed to get across the library then id get 3 books on a cart before the bell at the drive up window rang again#and that happened like 4 times in a row#not like he got up to do it though. just sat there pretending he didn't see it#then the next day we got an email from him requesting the way we empty the drop bins change#and YESTERDAY i was reading a book at the check out desk because of a DIFFERNT change in our department#bc we used to check books in at the desk too. but for some reason we stopped doing that a few months ago#so since then it's been terminally boring to work up there esp. since i work in the evening when there's less people at the library#but TODAY we got an email saying that we shouldn't be reading physical books up there#even though i keep my head on a swivel so that i can see when patrons come up#next thing you know he's gonna say we can't listen to music or ebooks at the drive up window. it's all horseshit. it not like i care though#whatever mike. you're bald anyway.#it feels passive aggressive to me. just pull me aside and say it to my face#and he said that it was a request from someone who works outside of our department so what the FUCK do they know about it#and i'm almost certain i know who it was. stupid as fuck. grrrr bark bark bark bark#i like my job i swear i like my job. but sometimes my job is stupid and it sucks.
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youtube
tbt - seventeen - clap // I cannot believe this was 7 years ago
#time goes by quicker and i keep becoming older than everyone in seventeen in different eras#once 4 years go by it keeps happening#i'm older than everyone in left and right now that was like yesterday#i had a couple other songs i was thinking of posting but this one occurred to me yesterday since i was listening to it a lot#i hope everyone is doing okay this week#i think im gonna finish big brother 2 today im excited#then im jumping to season 5#i straight up have a list of the seasons im interested in watching#after 5 im jumping to bb7 all stars 1 im excited#sometimes my mood has been down lately and i need to prioritize having time for svt and reality tv... anyway#seventeen#svt#clap era#kpop#tbt#song rec#ot13#pledis 17#hybe labels#teen age#kaily talks about seventeen#shut up kaily#Youtube
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soooo. that new big time rush album huh
#how we feeling today rushers (。•̀ᴗ-)✧#also yes i've come back from the dead just to post abt this like. i owe this blog *this much* at least ykyk#anyway its like 3 in the morning here and ive just woken up after a vv long and exhausting day yesterday so this was a pleasant surprise :>#i haven't really listened to it in full yet bc idk adhd things but when the mood hits right y'all know i'll be VIBING#i never talked abt it but waves and can't get enough were great earworms so i'm excited to see how the rest of the songs will turn out#also hope everyone's doing well here on the btr side of tumblr hehe y'all been absolutely fed this year <3#is this gonna be allen's 2k23 tumblr comeback??? nah prob not i'm too in love with the fooo conspiracy atm but hey maybe also who knows 👀#(*heckler from the back of the audience* NO ONE CARES ABOUT U AND UR TRASH CONTENT IDIOT STFU FOREVER ACTUALLY!!!!!)#but yep. life has been fuck work has been a headache and so many unwanted tragic plot twists this year. but at least we got new btr lezzgo!#also happy pride month y'all!!! just saying this for absolutely no rhyme or reason related to this post at all wdym lmao ¯\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯#okay thats all promise i'll shush now and it's time for old grampa to disappear into the darkest recesses of the internet yet again hejdååå#btr#big time rush#another life#album#stop it forever#lmao i hardly remember my dumbass blog tags;;; it's for the best hdbfkgk
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today my nephew asked me what an mp3 reader is I finally understand my elders
#stuff like this happens all the time#every time we talk i realise that we're growing up in two completely different times#also he moves through apps#every time i mention something a website or some other thing you can find online#he asks what app is that#and I'm like baby no#the world is not made of apps#apps in the way they exist today are younger than you#or all the streaming platforms#i looked for a (definitly legal) movie in front of him the other day and i played it to check the quality#because him and his mom wanted to watch it and couldn't find it#and all he said was On what platform did you find it#i was like I'm gonna tell you a story#✨the story of internet in the early 2000✨#listen we grew up with internet meaning that the internet has grown with us which means that we know it#we know how to be safe on it we know what to do and what not to do we understand when something is real and when something is not#the problem with all these new generations is that yes they know how to use a phone since year one but in reality they have no idea about#the internet they have no idea about what they hold in their hands they have no idea about what they can do with it#what the hell they don't even know how to access the internet#they don't know websites they don't know every app is actually a website#the same nephew once turned on a computer and was so lost and disappointed he asked me#is there YouTube on this thing?#my child! you have the world at your hands and you're asking me if there is youtube in it#and yes of course he's a child he need to be thought stuff abd you're right#but also not if it makes sense#at least in my experience i was left completely alone on the internet and yes i was probably watched at a distance from my older siblings#but i was given the space and time to explore it at some point i had my very own computer i was on socials at a very young age#most of the people my own age where#and we were way more responsible with it#idk where am i going with this i don't really have a point
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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Everything day
#Had an Extremely long Game Day with smol today and I think it fixed my brain so that's great news#Past week has been rough!!!! Got hit with a semi-minor anxiety episode and a pretty serious depression episode to bookend last week#I'm all good it's just - took a bit out of me lol#Any number of things really too many to list so I'll just sum up as blegh - feeling better now#Started a new printing project!! Looking forward to that hopefully gonna do some test printing tomorrow#It Should work out well but pfbtl I can't count on my formatting skills for nonsense - shapes wtf are those#Been drawing <3 Been writing <3#Thinking quite very seriously about returning to doodle roots something awful#I tend to spend a Long Long time editing my stuff down by three different phases#Makes them very pretty! But I think I've had enough of that for the moment#New! Novelty! Needed and necessary and I'd rather Write about these than fuss more about how Pretty Or Not they are#They're pretty enough! I've made shapes on paper that previously didn't exist and now I can think about them as they are! Magic!#So that's the current plan - do still have One more step of editing to do before that lol but smol had offered me videos to listen to during#Good to have longer videos so I'm not constantly start-and-stopped#Oh and Pepper went into molt Again and just came out and he's genuinely gigantic now#And so dark! Handsome boy was a nice soft brown when we picked him up and so tiny small and now he's nearly black and huge#And so furry now he's definitely at least twice as fuzzy#Got him to eat - he was definitely hungry but he seems to be pacing himself still#Everything everything
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hhbh
#okay nvm all that#im having A Day. was supposed to see bf and go to the fair but im sick etc#i was playin videoed games w my friend and ik he didn't purposefully ghost me#he really did get called by his parents or somethin and didnt get back for however long but i dropped from the game and the call bc#i am in a mood . not his fault. that+something else i Really want to check him on but once again its not actually a big deal i am just#cranky. if i did actually get on his ass he would call me and ask if i'm okay which is some bullshit . if i dodged dnd tonight he would do#the same thing but like. mmmm depression. i am very sad. and cranky in pain and i miss my bf and im sick of working at fucking walmart#and now i have to listen to people talk about trump tomorrow and i was gonna see my bf today and i miss him really bad and i dont wanna tal#to anyone else#to be soooo fr i am honestly just like. critically low on affection/attention. rn. i know myself.#i cant just skip dnd that's a shitty move but god i wanna go to sleep <- in pain and sad and cranky and i miss my boyfriend badly#i'm just cranky. but like. augh. let me out of here.#everything sucks. um i have been depressed for going on six months and i am really sick of it. to be honest.
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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