#like. i just wanna be able to draw good
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i am NOT having a good night
#i will delete this later#i just. my art. its so bad.#like. i just wanna be able to draw good#im really trying#but it just always sucks#its so ugly and i dont know how to fix jt.#i thought. i was happy with my art now but... i just hate it again.#theres. theres nothing special about my art because theres nothing special about me. im just a regular person.#i just want my art to look good and mean something. like i want people to look at it and say yeah! thats raye!#but it just feels so boring.#im going to sleep now. gooooooodnight.
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-draws human battering ram König like its my next hit of crack-
#könig#nobody ever wants to mention this part of his bio but honey ive been daydreamin ever since i read abt it 😏💭#ok im drawing one last request over in nfswland then THATS IT im working on the comic i wanna be done by early january#bc i get a fuckload of time off in late december so i should be able to zooom through it#but its also like A Key section that ive been thinknig abt forever so i need it to be Good as well#thank god i can just start right were ive been wanting to no more build up YEEHAWW#well for This part#my art#fanart#call of duty modern warfare 3#call of duty modern warfare 2#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty#konig#konig mw2#blood#blood tw
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testing out drawing maormer 🪸🐚🪸 and a nelvas 🧣📜🩷 i'll ramble about maormer a bit in the tags
#tes#skyrim#my art#do you like my nelvas emojis🧣📜🧣📜 get it? scarf🤗 and scroll🤗 Everything hurts sofucking bad#anyways i talked about them wif my friend quite a bit i basically 'agree' w/ everything that is written about them && their biology in -#- canon; except tes is very much all Talk and no good actual visual presentation of what it's talking about#cus all of the maormer look like garboooo likeee what am i looking @#but since this is just a first test i think i'll keep playing around with their looks later; they are most close to altmer obvi in the -#- sense of how 'mutated' they r. however maormer are more gross looking for the typical human#they do have flat faces and alldat in canon already but i want them to just have nostrils and no real nose bridge#and they have no lips😝 they also have very visible gums. && have anglerfish teeth#what would be fur on other mer is just scales on them and is placed is scattered in the same places#i was thinking of making swimming most comfortable for them so i gave them more fins#they'd have them on arms and legs and the hair on the tail for them is just a big fin🐠#as for hair i'm thinking of them having none of it at all bcos it looks sooooo ugly on them it's very unnerving to see hair on fish#either no hair at all or something with a different texture. like slimy silky thin seaweed#or the hair that m*necraft striders have LMAO#webbed fingers is cuuuute they'd have webbed armpits like they're those flying rodents🐿 lol#i'd place their gills on both the neck and their ribs#whenever they wear clothes they tie their arm and leg fins up ; i think from birth they just stay in water until they hit puberty and -#- r able to actually walk around#another cute fact is that males and females wud look literally the same almost (women are flat chested too)#fish fish fish#maybe i'll rethink some stuff. i still wanna draw fish babies#but in reality i think even the mere existence of maormer is very pointless bc they don't really matter at all do they#tes lore is soooo overstuffed that's why i don't know anything about it my time is so valuable to meLMFAOAOOO#saw a typo in this sorry i'm just chill like that
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See I’m not as into Apex anymore but then like, I’m reminded of something and start thinking through the story again and then I’m completely obsessed with it again for a day help
#I wanna draw Horizon/Ash things again#yknow I think what happened is they just… went in a direction so different from where I thought they were going that I kinda stopped caring#I was So Sure that Ash remembered everything but then instead they went with the whole split personality thing and like#there’s still good angsty toxic yuri there but. it is not What Could Have Been#it has been long enough that I am willing to say I Think They Made A Bad Story Decision#at the time I just tried to be positive because I needed to still be able to like the thing I was completely obsessed with#apex legends
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#i haven't been able to go through tumblr recently#i have a bunch of stuff ive needed to do and i haven't done any of it!!#i'm behind on secret life too :[ i saw pearl's episode last week but i haven't been able to watch any other POVs#or anything from session 2 which is sad#i don't wanna mute the tags so i'm just staying off the dash#but hopefully HOPEFULLY soon i get to have time where it's just me and i can just Draw#this weekend was nice but i am still doing a bunch of stuff#some good stuff too! my friends are lovely! but still stuff. and coursework.#gonna have to live like a hermit for the next while in order to have fun online and make fanart /silly#time to last minute work on my second group presentation project in two weeks!#delete later#the words of a fudgecake#[scheduled]#edit: after this was posted i broke up with my ex of almost a year lmao (its a good thing dw)
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"It's too soon for farewells!"
"You two... are coming with me!"
@heropartnerweek Day 2: Home | Flowers | Favorite Scene
This scene is burned into my brain because 7 year old me was so frightened by Dusknoir and getting dragged to the future that I just completely gave up on my first Explorers of Time save :(
#I WAS going to draw the house from pmd gti but uh#looks like my entire hand slipped and I drew my blorbo instead#also btw gonna rant after the tags about riolu as partner so if you wanna see that just skip the other tags ig??#heropartnerweek#heropartnerweek2023#dusknoir#chikorita#pmd hero#riolu#pmd partner#pmd2#pmd eos#ok enough with the tags time to rant about how awesome partner riolu is in pmd2 >:)#since riolu is able to sense emotions in the forms of waves I assume that they'd be able to tell if somoene was lying#like with Desmond (my pmd2 partner): he knows Dusknoir is lying/hiding SOMETHING but he's still willing to trust Dusknoir#why? because Des is able to tell that Dusknoir is truly happy in the past and that isn't a lie#this makes the fact that partner still trusts Dusknoir even crazier#they realize that while Dusknoir seemed serious about destroying them he also enjoyed his time in the past#they're so intent on trusting him because they KNOW he can be good#that's the end of the rant I'm just- hhhhhhhh partner riolu is just so incredible okay?? :')#thank you for those of you that read this <3333
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redownloaded an old art program
#specifically its tayasui memopad…#sketches was like borderline unusable last i redownloaded it#which was like.. oct last year#maybe its gotten better but i dont feel like bothering with it anymore haha#memopad i never used much aside from little scribble doodles (id make a scribble and try to turn it into something)#but its changed a lot since i last used it.. which was like four years ago so i cant be too surprised i guess XD#its still pretty jank but in a more manageable way . i missed rhe sketches brushes theyre very lovely#sorry for all the rambling haha#ive been feeling really shitty lately and have barely been able to draw it feels like#a lot of what i have made ive had to really.. force myself to get out. and i havent been as satisfied with it as id like to br#this is kind of janky still but i like it and i had fun making it#everytime i draw these two its exactly the same cuz i have to remind myself what their designs even were everytime >_<‘’#hopefully i do some more stuff today. its already getting late but im feeling a little better#getting back into the swing of things or whatever#i thought someone on af was ghosting me or whatever but turns out they were just . busy. ( <- figures i need to stop assuming haha) and#they also made this amazing revenge im absolutely in love with its so cute#really made my day =)#scribbles#furry tag#good god i write way too much in these#sorry#anyways#queueing this to post again (its the 14th as im writing this) i feel like that worked alright for me last time#im kinda making this post impulsively i am. constantly going back nd forth on whether i even like posting my art nowadays#oh well#yeah queue i wanna know#mother series#<- i forgot to tag that . for blog organization mostly these r just#nothing burger npcs barely anyone cares abt (nintens sisters lol)
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Echoes of the Past
#Super generic title but screw it#I can’t draw his hat uurrrghhhh#My son has been strangled too many times in the canon for me to be comfortable with#Within the main line of the comics he was strangled by Soldier#then nearly hung on the same day#And then got almost kinda hung a couple days later in Australia#I am a “Scout doesn’t let anything touch his neck anymore” truther#Also I’m aware that this is crap it was low effort and I just felt like drawing#Team fortress 2#tf2#Scout tf2#nobody reads this far into the tags so I’m just gonna say stuff#I’ve been on a diet and I’ve lost a good amount of weight.#Hopefully I’ll be able to break the record for the 100 Butterfly during swim season this year#There’s a hurricane tearing through my area. sometimes I wanna kill myself#Yesterday I pulled a big ol’ dead branch of a tree and it scratched up my arm#I didn’t care mostly due to the fact that the branch almost hit one of my dogs#It was scary#i I thought I had whacked my boy :(#If you read all of this you are actually my soulmate I love you
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how do u like ur toast? i’m bored as hell and will do literally anything but draw. lemme know which and why, and what do u put on it (if u do)
#honestly i will literally do anything but draw#these past few months ive been doing…idk if u can like#call it self care or what#but i been tryna eat a lil better and move a lot more#so i been playing basketball#not like a match or whatever bc idk shit#and then lifting weights and running#bro i swear to god i have weights in my room now#kirishima are u proud of me#ive also been looking to join some kickboxing classes#literally doing anything BUT draw#HAAHHAHSHHFHFH#but HEY!!! im stronger than before now#and i wanna learn how to punch a bitch and make it hurt yanno#and hopefully one day i will be able to lift my weight and more#god i rly do wanna go back to drawing tho#but i do wanna keep on playing bball#and still lift weights#and theres just so little time like why do i have to choose like this#i also wanna be good at dancing#listen theres just so much i wanna do now#i miss drawing#this looks like an ad ngl
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so many project ideas not enough ability..........
#libra.txt#hate it when the disabilities are disabling#i wanna write and i wanna draw and i wanna sew and i wanna have money to move out of this awful house#but i can't make money while on disability (or not TOO much money)#(which isn't going to be a problem regardless bc i have never been able to sell anything in my life)#(okay i have been commissioned ONCE. when i was like. 17? i think? idk it terrified me and that's why i don't do commissions!)#but everything i make is for myself first and that typically means no one else cares. yay#sigh. being hard on myself again.#i need to spend time with people that aren't direct relatives#those three days in richmond (while physically taxing for me) were so fun. it's good to see friends#even though there is still of course the persistent niggling 'what if they secretly don't like me but are too nice to say anything'#but that has been a constant since i was 14 so whatever. ugh. just gotta trust them#*I* still care about my friends so until they say it directly i must aggressively tell myself they like me too#sigh. gotta get back to those xc1 designs#why is art so hard. i hate it here
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i HAVE to keep the daigo plush locked away lest i squeeze it every five minutes to alleviate the cuteness aggression i feel whenever i see it
#snap chats#being without my computer charger has been maddening#that makes me sound terminally online and its because i am. its also cause all i ever wanna do is draw :((#AND I ESP WANNA WORK ON MY COMMS NOOOOO FUCK#i mean i was at least able to read through yakuza’s bias vol 2… so theres that…#MY SCHOOL STORE DIDNT HAVE LAPTOP CHARGERS i had to order one… hopefully it gets here Overnight like i asked….. if not ill kill#anyway. daigo plushie so cute :((((((((((((((((#mine cute too but theres just something especially squeezeable about daigo#alas.. thats what the aoki plush’ll be for. my personal stress toy ☠️☠️☠️☠️#lowkey i wish i also got ichi but then i remenbee they made him pale as all hell and Yeah Im Not Putting Money To That#THE SMALLEST BIT OF A TAN I BEG YOU RGG WHY IS HE SO PALE IT DONT LOOK RIIIIGHT :((((#anyway.. i have my last class in half an hour… lemme drink this tea…#also Lowkey obsessed with my outfit today.. its that butterfly shirt + gold accessories since theyre monarch butterflies#tho Lowkey 2x the black and yellow remind me of the watase blokes from gaiden…… wack…..#ok bye its tea time#help one of my roommates just came home and she just announces like. ‘man those edibles were. OUGH’#calling my dad to pick me up nooo im a lame straight edge dont talk about drugs around me ill scream and cry LMAO#ok im done byebye lemme drink this good god
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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came for the keykid art , got dragged down into another hyperfixation (downloaded unbound and named the playable character fern before realising that fern was actually an oc when checking the tvtropes page for unbound lmao)
my ultimate goal in life is to get ppl to enjoy the niche things i enjoy and i'm happy to see that it's been working like a charm. i'm honored
#genuinely tho this made me ridiculously happy HJAJHDAW#i like being able to introduce ppl to things they might really enjoy that they might not have been able to find otherwise#and also being able to make art for things that dont get as much love as they deserve that at least One person out there is thankful for#like those artists on twt that just draw ridiculously good art nonstop for smth that only like a handful of ppl are into#i wanna be that person#(and i mean. it helps that almost all the things i like an abnormal amount are niche for some reason HJSHJDAW)#asks
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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yknow at this point i have drawn so many images i can draw pretty fast now. i think that's the best outcome after years of tormenting over how slow of an artist i was. mainly bc i really had no idea what i was doing, so i would spend HOURS on just a full-body character design or something of the like. of course all the practice and time spent studying anatomy or color makes things easy now (also obsession but we already know about all that)
i think its hard to learn that not all your art is precious and by that i mean of course u cant create masterpieces in a day and shouldnt torment over not being able to get something right the first time. the silly doodles all count towards something. i joke about having perpetual wips but i think my favorite thing is saving past ideas and reworking them later just to see how they changed. bc art, like people, is so dynamic. constantly changing.
and the best feeling is making the art u imagined years ago come to life or you get a bit closer to producing the work that you saw in your head. mmmmm growth.
#i think it took years of pain and frustration and i still feel uneasy about my art but i aim to improve always so i think thats a good thing#like these days i dont really care about quality or what the people will like. i just draw whatever idea and post for funsies#and i want to be able to do that for a long time 😭#all my vent post are about art bc i dont wanna be too personal online LOL but I FEEL BAD I JUST HAVE A SERIOUS CASE OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME#SORRY#but yea i read every tag and the essay length ones always make me happy like thank you. <3 for simply looking at my art. it means a lot#im at a weird part of my life sorry if i get all sentimental and wistful i just. woa. art 🧍♂️
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GOD I wish I was good at art. But I don't wanna practice because it's not that fun to me. I just want to be able to draw completely perfectly without trying even a little bit, is that so much to ask? :(
#reading artists talk about their struggles and they post some of their art and it's so stunning and beautiful#i am filled with awe and envy. mostly awe though tbh#LOVE being in a world where people draw wonderful things <3333#it's ok because i can write wonderful things for the people who can draw but not write <3#i still fucking hate it though i wanna be able to draw good like they all can >:(#like what do you MEAN i have to practice?????? why can't i just be amazing at it first try?????????#i need to be filthy rich exclusively so that i can commission lots of artists
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