#like. I think that was the weirdest part???
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i am just so sad right now. like going into s8 i didn’t think bucktommy would be endgame, but the way s8 started changed my mind, so to have them be literally so in love for 5 episodes straight just to have them break up in the most abrupt way?? it just feels so last minute which is shocking because in the interviews this was apparently a planned thing but it doesn’t feel like it at all. Like if this was a concern Tommy had why didn’t it come up at all? like little throwaway lines of Tommy making jokes of Buck getting sick of him or wanted to explore other options or whatever. I hope the backlash makes them rethink, and Tommy comes back but for now it doesn’t seem like it. I guess my only hope is that Buddie goes canon, but even then i won’t be able to really enjoy it. I seriously don’t know if i’ll be able to keep watching the show, not solely because they broke up, but because of how they broke up. (srry for the long ask, just needed to vent)
no apologies needed!
at the end of the day, so many of us found joy in their story, their chemistry, the way even up until the final second tommy admitted that what he wanted with buck was something that would inevitably break his heart.
they were good together. tommy fit into so many intimidating parts of buck's life with ease. tommy is (as far as we know) still good friends with buck's best friend! tommy loved him anyway, loved him warts and all, road shotgun to buck's worst fears and weirdest conspiracies.
at the end of the day, we have a few things:
we GOT them. we got to see them together, we got the soft looks, we got the kisses, the foundation of them that is real and canon in a way we could strike like a match against the edge of a box to light them up for real all over again. i don't think "being canon" gives any credence or superiority to a ship, and have shipped people or characters that have never interacted/existed together in a tangible way, simply because it's FUN. that's how i'll always have fun with ships and fandom, BUT! what a wonderful thing to celebrate that we DID have them, that we have this as a foundation for whatever comes next, that there is never a door permanently closed to them finding each other again when it was already real from the start
for a lot of us, this isn't how their story ends. it's insane that so much fic and content was produced for a canon ship like this. so often fandom is chasing down the what-ifs and never-hads. a lot of us invested in bucktommy because they had the compatibility, the fit, the chemistry, the potential. that's novel shit! that doesn't just evaporate because they broke up in canon. it certainly hurts. the kind of hype we were surfing will crash and sink back in the oncoming months, but i know talking to a lot of people tonight that we aren't done with this ship. we aren't ready to say goodbye.
i'm sad. i'm angry. i felt a real sense of queer euphoria whenever i saw them together, even for 30 seconds, teetering on the edge of this new couple joy learning each other into something new and weird and fun that always lingered as a promise on the edge of their interactions. i was so excited for who buck could become with tommy as his home base. shifting that has rocked me in a bad way.
i expect people to inevitably step away from this ship and this fandom, but i'll mention that non-canon ships like arthur/eames or mcshep or social network rpf or short-lived shows from 1996 (hi sentinel) have had long-lived fandoms and left long-lasting impressions in other fandoms that have lasted for over a decade of zero additional content. this is a playground that, just because they've parted ways for now, we don't have to stop playing in.
and i'll be honest: i have several WIPs i'm like, well trash that! after watching the most recent episode. but i also have a dozen new ideas. new ways they could fall in love now or again, new ways they could meet, new ways they could be for each other.
i'll keep creating. i'll keep dreaming. they won't ever not have the spark that they had. the show could end tomorrow but we'll always have an open door to believing and shaping the thousands of ways they can and will find each other again.
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i'm always a sucker for the take that Ford does love kids, he's just not the best caretaker. i mean, he's immediately delighted to learn he's an uncle in tale of two stans, and he loves spending time with Dipper and Mabel, he's just kind of dense.
i think aus where he gets to be a dad with Fiddleford are so cute. and so interesting to see how he'd handle it. people always seem to forget what a softie he can be
Oh yes! It kind of bugs me how a lot of people act like Ford is cold when he really isn't. There are lots of little examples of him being an absolute sweetheart. He talks a big game about being logical and suppressing fear etc, but he's a deeply emotional person, and that comes through in his more personal journal entries. He's not some heartless robot. He loves sharing his joy and excitement with the people close to him. He craves human connection even though he's bad at it. He gets attached to weird little creatures like Shifty, he loves his niece and nephew and is genuinely happy to meet them. Not to mention Ford loves weirdness and creativity and kids are the weirdest most creative demographic of people out there.
I don't think Ford dislikes kids at all. I think his lack of emotional intelligence and tendency to be lost in his own world makes him a questionable caretaker. Not through apathy or malice, he's just kind of bad with kids. Making him a father is really interesting for this reason because I'm confident he'd love the shit out of his kids, but learning how to respond appropriately to their needs, keep them safe, and pay attention consistently when needed, would all be things he'd struggle with.
Ford also says as much in his journal that he didn't want to settle down and "start a family". I don't think he ever saw kids of his own as part of his future nor do I think he'd ever consciously choose to have them. That said these are the words of a young Ford with grand ambitions that children would have potentially gotten in the way of. I also think the way he shuts down the idea of "starting a family" is a response to the social pressure to get straight married which is also not something he would have wanted. I mean look how well that worked out for Fidds :/
But Ford's whole character arc is about humbling himself. Learning to let go of this fantasy of some grand destiny and find joy in just living life with the people he cares about. He learns to accept the love of others and to love himself without needing to prove anything.
Pictured above, is a combination of sleep deprivation and those little moments when you're a new parent and it dawns on you yet again that suddenly you have this tiny little human who's who world depends on you. That mix of fear and awe and overwhelming love that hits you in waves and turns your brain into mush for a moment.
Nik and Newt force Ford to put someone else over himself, forcing him to reassess his priorities much sooner.
Also I know this one wasn't really an ask but I really wanted to draw something for you because it was soooooo good seeing a real ask in my inbox. I would absolutely love to answer any asks people have about this AU. I'd love to draw more of Ford, Fidds, Stan, and the twins but it gets hard to decide what to draw with so many ideas in my brain. By all means, send me asks or suggestions for drawings and I'll do my best to respond to all of them.
#ford^2#fiddauthor#ford pines#stanford pines#young ford pines#au#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#shifter twins au#papa ford au#nikola pines-mcgucket#newton pines-mcgucket#gravity falls#gravity falls au
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I'd like to ask if you picture Charles dating/hanging out with girls pre-canon and if you picture Edwin being jealous... (or if there could be a scenario in which Charles would be jealous)
You know, based on how excited Charles is to meet Crystal in the first episode, I get the impression that he hasn't had much chance to hang out with girls for the past 30ish years. And he and Edwin BOTH get so jealous and huffy in Port Townsend that I usually assume they aren't used to having to share each other's attention.
However. That is less funny than my other interpretation:
I think it's mostly just early-season weirdness, not having all the character traits fully worked out, but Charles in the first couple episodes is ridiculously cavalier about Edwin's discomfort. He invites Crystal to stay indefinitely while Edwin is going through nineteen stages of grief in the background. I think the most plausible interpretation of those actions, without context, is that Charles is trying to make Edwin jealous, and I think it is hilarious to imagine them doing this periodically to spice up thier marria-I mean friendship.
Once in a blue moon Charles will be cranky with Edwin for not paying enough attention to him so he brings home a girl to flirt with where Edwin can see. Edwin retaliates by ignoring Charles for hours on end while he writes letters to a long-dead pen pal. There is drama, crying, catharsis, and then they reconcile over a game of makeup checkers. Rinse and repeat every five years or so. Crystal is not amused to find out that she's been made a part of the weirdest, pettiest relationship drama she's ever heard of, so she starts a podcast where she just airs out all the boys' dirty laundry to the whole supernatural community.
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I finally watched dune part 2.
I have some oddly mixed feelings about but I think I liked it???
(I put all my thoughts in the tags for some reason and I’m not rewriting them)
#very much so#dune#dune part two#vibes alone it was beautiful and I predicted Leto II not happening which like go me#I liked how the romance naturally progressed more then in the book#I like how Chani was more on the un believeing side I liked that a lot it added nuance to the story#I hated how Jessica didn’t come to her senses when Paul took the life water. I think they really did her character a disservice to not have#her grieve for her son#I also think it was odd how Paul went from wanting to manipulate them to not wanting too??#in the book. he didn’t want to manipulate them he wanted to befriend them and yes manipulate them in the since that he wanted them on his#side. but it like took a 180. he was talking about using them and then Jessica was like. weird about everything??#in the book she was the instigator for a LOT of it.#it was also weird that there wasn’t a time skip at all???#like. I think that was the weirdest part???#there where a lot of pretty shots it was very visually stunning but there where a lot of long unnecessary shots as#as well#I think I’ll have to give it another watch to truely tell my feelings on it#and read the book again#the soundtrack was perfect again#just such good sounds for everything really#I think it was very interesting that Chani left in the end??#I think that giving Chani a bigger roll was a very good move#it felt way more human#I think I liked it#but also there was the whole Feyd thing. they took away so much of his character.#like why did they give him cannibal human pets??? why did they make him Like That#like YES he’s a ruthless killer but he’s also doing what he has to to survive.#so making it seem like he is reciprocating the Baron’s advances was a weird tact when the og canon the Baron was child rapist and Feyd was#one of his main victims. his character was so much more#I ran out of tag space…… I’ve never done that before….
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Alpha-17 and Obi-Wan being friends (derogatory) on 17's part and friends (threatening) on Obi-Wan's part is such an underrated dynamic
They could be so funny and terrifying, like Obi-Wan went through a soul shredding experience with Alpha-17 as his only company. They're friends because what else are you gonna be after you witness each other at absolute rock bottom from torture.
It's like 'dog put in cage of cheetah who's threatening to go crazy', except the dog is a grizzly bear and also threatening to go crazy.
Emotional support trooper except the trooper in question has never done any sort of supporting in his life and is actively an emotional distress trooper to a great number of the CC batch.
I want them texting everyday, I want Obi-Wan mailing handmade BFF bracelets to Alpha and Alpha sending pics back of him flipping off the camera but still wearing them, I want Alpha using Obi-Wan to keep track of and occasionally terrorize his cadets, I want 17 ending problems in the GAR (like Krell) before they begin because Obi-Wan has him shipped out on a personal transport at the first opportunity, decked out with slug-throwers Obi-Wan got him for his decant-day.
Natborn officers think this is all just an odd indulgence of General Kenobi, the Vode, however, correctly identify it as a goddamn threat and their danger assessment of Obi-Wan ticks up significantly.
When Alpha arrives on Kamino, Shaak Ti presses a shiny new comm into his hand. It has the Jedi Order symbol painted onto it alongside a smiley face sticker, and it pings immediately with a new message: Hello! I hope you're settling in well!
Alpha stares at the message, stares at the singular contact named 'OWK' and then stares Shaak Ti in the eye as he pitches the comm straight into the ocean. Shaak Ti's serene smile only grows larger as she calmly reaches into her robes and pulls out an identical comm, only this one has a frowny face sticker, and presses it into his hand. It lights up: I'm afraid we've bonded, Alpha :). Alpha shuts it off and pockets it with resignation.
Cody arrives on Alpha-17's personal recommendation.
A-17: He's the most difficult little bastard I have. You're perfect for each other. OWK: Thank you, he's very handsome :3 A-17: No. Stop.
The first thing he asks once he gets comfortable is who his general is texting so much that has him swinging his legs and twirling his hair. Cody assumes it's Anakin, given they seem joint at the hip anyway, but little does he know Obi-Wan's ability to consistently have the Weirdest Relationships Ever.
"Oh, it's Alpha-17, I understand you're familiar with each other?" Hmm. OK. Cody.exe is experiencing a processing error, please hold. He exits the room instead of answering. The next day he peeks over the General's shoulder when he's texting and sees walls of rambling messages from Obi-Wan. Alpha-17 replies every hour with a single text: Lose this number. Obi-Wan giggles. "He's so funny." he says.
When Obi-Wan meets the rest of the CC batch, Cody makes sure to stand perfectly angled so that he can record the reactions when his general cuts off their introductions with "Oh, no need, Alpha-17's told me all about you." It's always immediate FEAR.JPG followed by a slow spiral of What The Fuck.
What do you mean by that General. What does that mean Cody. What do you mean they text. No. Cody. What the fuck is happening, Cody. Alpha-17 doesn't have friends he has enemies and enemies he tolerates enough not to shoot on sight.
OWK: Wolffe reached for his vambrace? when I mentioned you A-17: That's where he keeps his spare knife. OWK: Hm that does explain the way he eyed me up, ambitious. A-17: Clearly not enough, he should have followed through. I taught them better.
#alpha obi wan and cody are so powerful together they could win the war or start an entirely new one. who knows :)#i fully think 17 awakens the feral cat part of obi wan thats been dormant since qui gon died and he had to become a responsible brotherdad#like at last someone to scruff him by the neck and call him stupid its very familiar to obi wan it brings back memories#fully on my 'obi wan has the weirdest relationship dynamics ever' agenda#obi wan is a lying liar who loves lying and the biggest lie is that he's the only normal well-adjusted one here. no. he is SO deeply strang#obi wan kenobi#star wars#alpha 17#commander cody
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💘
#this might be the most scribble thing I post here yet bahahahahahahahahahahaaha#I still like how the hands turned out even though I didn’t finish them😇#but it’s pretty messy and the hands might be the only part I like🥲#but since this blog is my art journey documentation here you are#I was pretty busy today so no good art but maybe tomorrow we’ll see#I am preparing things to FINALLY answer my asks🥹#& if you tagged me in anything I actually have been meaning to respond!!!!!!!! my notifications are the WORST and so confusing on here😵💫#and I’m technology grandma…#hope u all have had an amazing day !!!! 🫶#my brother in law has been fishing and catching SO MANY sargo#(sargo = sea bream for the animal crossing playing English speakers😙)#AND ITS LITERALLY SOOOOOOOOO DELICIOUS !!!!!#i cook it in the weirdest way possible#you just have to gut the fish and cut off its fins etc#then you put it in a wet salt bed and cover it up…cook it for 30 min…AND VOILA ITS DONE !!!!!#I don’t add any spices…NOTHING…and this fish literally has the taste and texture of crab covered in butter#LIKE…😳 it might be my favorite food/fav thing to cook these days bc it’s so easy and fresh caught fish is just delicious😫#well that was my grandma cooking show of the day👩🍳#now you know how to cook sargo a la sal 👩🍳#also going back to the drawing🥹 I just love these two so much…#I love thinking of sweet moments…most of my angst is confined to writinc😆#the chapter I’m writing right now is SO ANGST DEPRESSING (sorry Eloise)#it will get better…I promise…#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hogwarts legacy oc#hogwarts legacy mc#eloise babbit#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x mc
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Apparently in my absence this post had its 1000-notes-iversary.
This time we get to see the culprit responsible for ruining our heroes' lives as well.
I've really missed you guys, by the way. I know I've said that already, but I'm serious. Once or twice this year I've been right on the brink of coming back but schedule stuff always keeps me from letting myself commit to that again, and that in turn has kept me from posting anything at all. But I've been in an unexpected drawing mood lately and so if I can get enough stuff to set up a queue we might pretend I'm back for a month or so sometime this year. Maybe. Hopefully. We'll see. No promises though. That's why I'm hiding this paragraph under the cut.
Transcription:
[Beren:] "Uhhh...barkeep...I think he's had enough now..." [Tolkien:] "No, I don't think he has...!"
#beren#bilbo#frodo#tolkien#túrin#the man the myth the legends#beowulf except everybody is short#one shiny#three shinies#everyone deserved better except mîm#what's this a happy ending#my trash#is this actually funny or am i just tired#i'm sorry professor tolkien#/end classification tags#túrin keeps becoming a bigger and bigger guy in my drawings and at this rate he's going to be way taller and broader than he should be#canonically he was really tall and broad but i don't think the professor meant like THIS#at least it makes him really distinct i guess#gonna be sufficiently intimidating for the dagor dagorath#but in the meantime he's just making beren look like a schoolkid in this doodle#(and as i'm sitting here writing these tags i suddenly realize i forgot túrin's white hair streaks again)#(tsk tsk shame on me)#(and didn't it say somewhere that beren's hair also turned grey...? i can't remember where it said that though)#(0 for 2 i have failed all of us)#ANYWAY in my absence tumblr apparently changed formatting again which is not cool but whatever#it's nice to draw again#i've had art block for like 9 months straight#and suddenly this month i suddenly was able to write AND draw again as if i never stopped#i've had writer's block since maybe 2021 so that was the most surprising part#weirdest thing ever but i'm not mad about it
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In the vein of your class swap au, I have a crack au where the Bad Kids eventually end up having all the classes between the six of them, and essentially become a self-contained powerhouse. They all start with their canon Junior classes, but eventually-
Riz, in his goal of being the most perceptive person ever, takes to Ranger. It also helps with his long range guns, which he and Gorgug start personalising in semi-illegal ways
Adaine goes for Monk. It’s difficult, because Monk and Wizard aren’t that compatible, but Adaine has the know-how and innate anger to take it on
Kristin looks into the background of her nature/solar Godesses, and takes some levels of Druid to help with interpreting the symbolism and imagery, and eventually uses the spells similar to clerical. Doesn’t use beast forms often, but finds them especially useful when Kristin’s dex or athletics would fail
Not sure how Sorcerer would play into it. Maybe Fig, with already high charisma, would accidentally fall into it, and just decides to keep it because she realises it’s the class they’re missing
this is awesome I love the idea of coming into dnd with the mentality of ash ketchum
#not art#gotta catch em all !!#ngl I do love monk wizard adaine tho that's a jedi#youve made her a jedi. this is great I think since dnd takes from wuxia so much esp. with monk every campaign should get an ip man#a wuxia style dipshit mentor. a funny monk. an evil coven of backflipping magic women#tbh I do think adaine would enjoy having a jjba style stand she would love having a star platinum#actually now Im imagining the monk kids at aguefort being exactly like the high schoolers in part 4 lmao#it would be great if everyone unanimously agrees that the weirdest people at aguefort are the monk kids#I also love druid kristen she would SO be the ''do you know there are fungi with 10 thousand plus sexes?'' kid#she would be slightly concerningly into herbalism. she would be Very enthusiastic about being able to eat raw meat#haruspex kristen owns... love that
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When you watch a dungeon cooking show and your first thought to make some lil' guys...
Say hello to Elleroy Kits (Left, any pronouns) and Wittlebea Guyz (Right, They/She). One talks way to much and the other listens, can you tell who??
Anyways, Elleroy and Wittlebea are a party of two so far who mostly study the medicinal properties of the plants/monsters in the first coupe of floors. They'll occasionally take jobs from the half-foot guild to make more research money but for most part just do their own thing.
I have not read the manga nor am i caught up on the anime (I'm at the red dragon) so pls no spoilers!
#art#my art#raggy's art tag#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#dunmesh oc#dungeon meshi oc#my ocs#orginal character#I think elleroy is one of those decpetively happy people who say the weirdest shit when no ones really paying attention#they're part like...alchemist part healer#its mostly slapping a potion/bandage on it and saying 'walk it off'#meanwhile wittlebea is all business all the time#mostly bc she's awkawrd and is only used to Elle#they want to be a cool prince in shining armour but are too shy to be openly chivalrous#they're also both young adults! at least 16-17#also they're roommates :D
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some screenshots from the september 20th p3 reload trailer!
#lizzy speaks#AHH..... i cannot believe they showed (THAT) MUCH of strega#in regards to stuff with chidori... im like... THEY SHOWED THAT??? i mean ppl dont have context but im here like WOOZY FACE EMOJI#i really like that part where they showed minato and then crossfaded to thanatos and then glitch effected to orpheus#you get it. you get it#i really enjoy seeing the environments from the 2d animated bits it's very nice!!#im really interested in hearing the rest of the vocals for the new version of changing seasons + when the moons reaching out the stars#but also im freaking the fuck out over how much they showed for chidori. im like. ERMMM... call me delulu but do you think we'll get ryoji-#crumbs next month. im among his biggest fans (hasn't posted about him at all)#also i loved the bits i've heard from elizabeth. she's still the weirdest girl ever hell yeah#i hope that people who dont know anything about p3 who watched this trailer promptly forget about the things they saw. dont think about it-#too hard! lol! everything is a spoiler to me LMFAO#anyway. was nice to see more of the game :3
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I think Gakuen Handsome is the best anime I have ever seen, the likes of which no anime could ever reach. My Hero Academia could never hope to have writing so good, and as good as Jujutsu Kaisen and Chainsaw Man are in terms of art and animation, there is something Gakuen Handsome has that they don't. The characters are more interesting than Naruto's, and it is miles more romantic than Junjou Romantica with how it really touches your heart. The plot twist is gripping and will keep you on the edge of your seat! The comedy is even on par with Ghost Stories and dare I say it Pop Team Epic!! You guys should all go watch Gakuen Handsome today right now!!! In my opinion it's too short!!!!
#gakuen handsome#anime#shitpost#fr tho this is the weirdest fucking anime I have ever seen it's so bad it's hilarious#the whole thing looks like a 2000s newground/youtube ms paint animation#/j post but also I think it's the hardest I've laughed at an anime besides ghost stories#(and I kinda wasn't joking about the MHA part either)
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Being aromantic and finding that out in ur 20s is soooooooo funny bc I met the 3 people I consider my soulmates (one of whom is now my qpp) in october of 2016, and both before and after this i dated a few people but as i grew closer and closer w this group and also came into my gender and sexuality over the yrs, id sometimes wonder why i didnt crave romantic fulfillment anymore, and not fantasize about having a long term bf or anything. It didn't really worry me? Like, I wasn't concerned about it, but I would go like huh wonder what's up w that. Oh well not my problem!, every now and then
And then thru making friends w a bunch of arospec folks I was finally like oohhhhhhhh it's because my emotional fulfillment needs are already met and these people and our friendship is an intrinsic part of my being and i love them more than i can ever hope to describe. Got it!
#and z speaks#its not like i didnt know what aromanticism was! i even id'd as ace for awhile! im not anymore but i was on those fringes right#and its bc im aro in the weirdest way possible#bc i loveeee love and romance and i enjoy dating! sort of!#im one of those ppl that skips right to the old marroed couple phase bc i Hate the casual small talk phase#and i get crushes on my friends a lot bc i have so much love in my heart to give#its just not like. romantic!#if youve read the scholomance trilogy just look at el. thats me#we're aro in the same way#ANYWAY im just thinking about non traditional love and affection and how id let my friend silver do martial arts on me if they werent at the#other end of the state#and how in love i am w my qpp. and my embarrassing crush on [REDACTED bc i KNOW nos js gonna see this. no one can know] is#the worst part about that crush is its probably like glaringly obvious to them and i dont care That much bc having crushes is fun#i dont intend to act on it im just vibing#but the thought. that they might know. little mortifying#if u read all of these tags ur owed financial compensation
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I met up with a friend yesterday. By the end of our time together (about three hours), as usual, I had a lot of mucus build-up in my nose and throat. As usual, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to intensely blow my nose for several minutes and try to get rid of it all.
It was still so bad when I got home in the evening that I couldn't sing. It's still so bad today, 24 fucking hours later, that I can't even record a voice message to a friend. I keep having to violently clear my throat and blow my nose (all in vain, it barely makes a difference), and finding myself unconsciously grinding my teeth because I have so much tension in my entire head from struggling to breathe.
I wish I knew what my problem was. I wish even one of the numerous doctors I've consulted about this problem over the years had even pretended to take me seriously instead of just saying "Hmmm" while nodding very solemnly and then basically saying the doctor equivalent of "You get mucus build-up and develop breathing issues... specifically after hanging out with other people and talking to them for a couple of hours? Sorry but that sounds like bullshit, I can't help you."
I'm so tired of having a mysteriously dysfunctional respiratory system :( Wtf is my problem. I'll never be able to be a real singer at this rate.
#cosmo gyres#personal#health issues#tmi maybe but i don't care. i'm so tired#i took my allergy meds correctly this week#i've been hydrating religiously since yesterday#i just... can't figure out what the hell it is#WHY does socializing and chatting do this to me?!? :(#this is why part of me is convinced that if i get covid i'll die#even my normal non-covid-infected self sometimes has such trouble breathing#(especially when i lie down to sleep at night)#that it genuinely scares me#but the weirdest part is that it's completely unpredictable too#sometimes it won't get bad for weeks or even months at a time#but it most consistently occurs... right after spending time with people in person and talking to them#not when i'm around people without talking; that's fine#and not when i talk to people without being around them (e.g. VMs); that's usually fine too#although come to think of it... it does sometimes also happen after a 'live' virtual conversation#like a phone call or skype hangout#basically if we're interacting at a speed/rhythm that's not 100% set by me#that's when my respiratory system gets completely fucked up#WHYYYYYYYYYY
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ok I'm gonna be vulnerable for a moment
I'm prescribed Xanax* and while I know it can cause amnesia when taken in too large amounts, what happened yesterday is a bit different
I took one pill in the late evening because I'd only slept for less than 3 hours the night before and wanted to fall sleep earlier and also was feeling anxious. I waited for some time and decided it hadn't done that much of a difference, so I took two more. So, three pills in total - not that much.
Well... I don't really remember going to bed, but:
I woke up in my bed fully clothed - not bad; I sometimes do that even when sober
I left the computer, music, the TV, and the bathroom light on - not THAT hard to imagine; has happened before when sober
I apparently forgot to take my daily evening medication, which is a bit of shame because it improves my sleep quality and also should be taken daily
THERE'S A WHOLE HUGE 1KG PACK OF SALT ON MY DESK IN THE LIVING ROOM
MY BRA IS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTERTOP
THE MILK WAS OUT OF THE FRIDGE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T EVEN USE IT (also it was my last one and I doubt it's still good so RIP milk...)
I HAD SOME DRY, USED TEA IN A TEA INFUSER AND NOW IT'S JUST FUCKING ALL OVER THE DISH DRYER AND THE COUNTERTOP FOR SOME REASON
THE MICROWAVE DOOR WAS OPEN BUT I DON'T REMEMBER MICROWAVING ANYTHING (I WOULD have noticed because the light is on in the microwave when the door's open and I have a long corridor leading to the kitchen with the microwave at the end of it - that's how I noticed IN THE MORNING WHEN IT WAS LIGHT, so at night it would be extra visible)
I'd opened a pack of crisps, left one on the countertop and just left the rest OPEN on the countertop without eating almost any of it (I know this one doesn't seem that bad, but I'd never leave crisps wide open because they get stale)
THE SCARY PART: I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT HAPPENING
THANKFULLY, when I checked in the morning, I DIDN'T MAKE ANY TUMBLR POSTS WHILE BEING A ZOMBIE (so all the deranged posts from yesterday are just me)
1.5 year ago, when I was doing reeeaaally badly, I took way more and then went to a birthday party of a person close to me, where I met some of his friends whom I'd only heard about before and had been excited to meet, AND I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT THAT PARTY OR THE PEOPLE I MET EVEN THOUGH I ACTED AND TALKED NORMALLY AND IT WASN'T APPARENT TO ANYONE THAT I WAS FUNCTIONALLY A FUCKING ZOMBIE. And I cannot ever recover these memories afaik. Do you know how fucking scary it is to not remember what you did the night before? What if I did something reprehensible? What if I was outside and broke the law and got arrested? What if I did something extremely reckless? I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON I WAS WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING. I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS MYSELF AND HAD MY NORMAL VALUES AND OPINIONS OR IF I TURN INTO A DIFFERENT KIND OF PERSON. All I know, because someone close to me has told me, is that I am meaner and more egocentric. I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN
btw for anyone wondering: amnesia IS a legitimate side effect of Xanax and not something specific to me. I'm not sure if all leaflets list it (I'm not in the US), but you can check Wikipedia for more info
*generic Xanax, to be exact, which is the same in effect btw
PS. I don't abuse Xanax anymore and even when I did, it didn't ever any feel-good effects for me; I only used it to numb myself / make myself go to sleep. I don't even see why people use it recreationally (apparently) because if I wasn't extremely anxious, like having a panic attack, it wasn't very helpful or pleasant to take.
All of the above doesn't mean that I am against Xanax. I think it's a great medicine for panic attacks because it (a) works, (b) acts extremely fast for something that's a pill ingested through the mouth.
But it's extremely important that people don't abuse it, and that's why doctors should be responsible when prescribing it and inform patients of the side effects and the harms of abusing it.
Xanax is also very addictive and the addiction is hard to break (not from personal experience this time). And abusing it can lead to long-lasting (I'm not saying "permanent") cognitive impairment even once you've stopped taking it.
#xanax pills#xanax bars#xannie#xanax addiction#benzodiazepine#benzo addiction#xanax awareness#drug awareness#alprazolam#addiction#all the pills I had were doctor-prescribed and legit btw if that matters#so no it wasn't some spoof different drug that a dealer had sold me#drug abuse#drug recovery#recovery#amnesia#medicine#sorry about the long post#but I thought maybe it might help someone who's not that deep in benzos yet and considers trying it out for fun#also I know the things I did yesterday are not some outrageous weirdest shit you've ever read but - for me personally#- they are mostly out of character and just fucking weird#and let me emphasize this one again: THE SCARIEST PART AS i DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT#I don't even know what time I went to bed and how long I functioned like that#I don't even mind if no-one reads it I think I also just needed to get it out of me and fully realize it and THINK TWICE#before ever taking it when I don't ABSOLUTELY need to
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having now actually read that one obscure manga where link and zelda are half siblings im upset that the one anon who mentioned it to me months ago didn't tell me how completely batshit every other part of it is
#you'd think the sibling thing would be the weirdest part but no#there's in-universe racism. link looks like v-flower for some reason. zelda is masc. the triforce is like a mecha anime weapon.#the queen of hyrule CHEATS ON HER HUSBAND. THE MONSTERS THEY FIGHT ARE DEMONS FROM BIBLICAL HELL#what the HELL did they tell mishouzaki the plot of loz was because i do not think he understood the assignment. it is still fun to read tho#personal
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Not someone comparing higurashi to fnaf....please I'm dying....
#hope.txt#i dont think ive been more insulted#i get the part of like 'influential horror game series that changed the landscape irrevocably'#and also 'a lot of really weird installments added after it blew up' part#but like ryukishi is explicitly and obviously left leaning#and also higurashi at its weirdest still has more integrity and forethought and depth that whatever the fuck scott cawthon's doing
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