#like…. we are doing SECOND COUSINS NOW????
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What the heck, I'll also answer these with Sammy because I've been feeling edgy as hell lately.
Last one with this gal, for real this time. The unwilling vampire-turned-vampire hunter, Sammy
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
1. Excluding murder, what's the worst thing you've done?
SM: Considering the idea of giving in to the thirst at all.
2. Have you ever killed someone?
SM: Not someone, something. They're not people.
3. Have you ever killed a friend/family member/loved one?
SM: No. This question makes me incredibly angry.
4. What appears in your darkest nightmares?
SM: Blood that isn't my own.
5. What is your moral code?
SM: Protect the natural, kill the unnatural. Simple as.
6. Would you make a deal with the devil?
SM: Not even if it offered me salvation. I've killed demons. I know how that goes.
7. How far are you willing to go to get what you want?
SM: Far enough.
8. Would you consider yourself as evil?
SM: By virtue of my condition, yes.
9. Do you enjoy watching others suffer?
SM: I can't feel joy. But watching them squirm like the parasites they are as I send them straight to hell is... cathartic.
10. Have you ever tortured someone?
SM: Something. More than once. And I'll do it again. Until I inflict as much pain on them as they did to me.
11. If you were arrested, what would the charges be?
SM: Theft. Don't ask.
12. Who do you hate the most?
SM: ...Myself.
13. What is your "villain song"?
OOC: She doesn't really have one, but I tend to listen to Devils Never Cry when I draw her. Maybe Bring Me To Life by Evanescence? That's a certified Edge™️ classic.
14. If you draw: Draw your OC's darkest moment or reimagine them as a demon!
OOC:
Not really her darkest moment, but,
'Sammy looked ahead at the man who had once been her token of admiration.
A man of good, of kindness and sincerity. Who had once guided them into the right path.
Who'd once walked into her home not as a friend, nor as a figure of authority, but as family.
An equal. To her father, a brother. And to her mother, a cousin.
He stood there quietly, illuminated by the bright moonlight coming through the church's windows as he calmly straightened the creases of his vestment.
Staring coldly at the beaten and bloodied body of an unconscious Silver.
It had happened so quickly, she didn't even have time to react.
Before she knew it, she'd been slammed into the ground with enough force to shatter her spine.
It only took one or two seconds after that for her friend to follow suit and be reduced to a wheezing mess.
And she was powerless to do anything about it. As it always was. Forced to listen to the shrieks of pain of another victim while her wakened body tried its best to repair itself with what little blood she had left in her.
It angered her.
But what angered her the most was the unfeeling expression that bloodsucking bastard had all throughout.
It angered her so, so much.
"Now," the man finally spoke, wiping his bloodied hands with a pure white cloth "We can finally talk."
To hell with that, she thought.
"How peculiar" he continued "Those eyes of yours. They rage with the embers of hatred. Is it me that you despise?"
The man walked forward, into the shadows where she lay, matching her piercing stare with his own.
"I wonder why?" He calmly mused.
And then he placed a foot on her left arm. Pushing slowly, steadily, watching the skin tear apart and the bone splinter with a grotesque sound.
Of course, she didn't feel any of it. They both knew she couldn't. And to her, that was the worst punishment he could've given her.
"You were always quite fiery. The way you'd listen to the sermons, pay attention in Sunday school. That passion had always set you aside. And yet, it has also led you astray."
Then he did the same with her right arm, making sure to drag his sole on her mutilated limb with apathy.
"Holding to the remnants of your past. Hoping that they will keep you warm" he said, dropping the stained cloth on her pooling blood "I just can't understand why."
That got a grunt out of her.
"Why would the Father choose someone like you? Who so fervently seeks to reject his gift? His ideals? His goals?" He said while running a finger on his rosary "Someone so... immature--"
"Shut the fuck up already" she spat, voice coarse and breathy.
The man simply sighed in response.
"Of course. You're still young. I often forget that" he lamented quietly "Children learn by imitation, not comprehension."
Then he signaled back to Silver's unconscious form.
"That boy over there. You both act really similarly. Perhaps he was the one to influence you in this way?"
"Lay another finger on him..." she barked coldly, yet it did nothing to deter the pastor.
"And what?" He scoffed. Even though he couldn't express emotion, he sounded almost indignant "You are at the edge of your mortality, just like him. It would do you no good to continue your empty intimidations. After all..."
He turned around, giving her an uncaring glance as he walked back towards the boy.
"...You don't actually care what happens to him anyway, do you?"
"Go to hell."
The man knelt besides her sleeping companion, seemingly unfazed by the myriad of insults and threats that she continued to throw at him.
"You can stop pretending now" he stated matter-of-factly.
But that only fueled her anger further.
"You don't know fuck about me. Don't try to act like--"
"All of this... attitude. This rebellious phase." He interrupted her "Playing pretend with these... animals. Like they're not food to be consumed. Like you have the strength to make things right. Clinging on to something that you're not anymore. Of a world that isn't there, and a me that never was. Raging senselessly, when you care more about the fact that I'm alive and not that he's dying. Stop pretending, Samantha."
She bared her teeth at him. Bloodied gums and sharpened fangs gleamed under the dim light, being reflected into his unchanging pupils. Defiant, yet slightly wavering.
He sighed.
"I have now come to terms with the fact that I can't make you understand. It is simply not my place to do as a father should" he said, standing up with that same unapologetic attitude that crept into her very nerves "But it is in my hands to set an example."
"If you fucking dare--"
"Relax" the man ordered, sending a shockwave through her core with his voice "That would be counter-productive. This child... is still yet useful. Both of them are."
Her mind wandered back to Johnny, and her eye twitched slightly at the realization that she'd completely forgotten about him in her rampage.
Wherever he'd run off to, hopefully he had managed to escape. The kid was smart enough to know when to turn tail and run.
How ironic, that the same thing she'd criticized him for was the culmination of both his salvation and her damnation.
Now wasn't the time to be reminiscing about that, though. With any luck, the pastor would be oblivious to her thoughts on the matter.
"But this... thing you three do, playing with toys while thinking you're some sort of heroes" he interjected, calmly walking back to her for the last time "It must be put an end to. For your own good."
"Fuck you, pendejo de mierda."
"I no longer expect you to understand, as I said. It is not my duty to act as a father would" he said with a sigh, kneeling before her "But as the elder sibling, I must set a good example."
She was about to tell him to go fuck himself with that family bullshit, when a metallic object suddenly came in contact with the roof of her mouth.
The hammer of Silver's .50 caliber revolver clicked into place with a small sound as the pastor once again got to speak in her place.
"As such, please watch and learn as I provide the appropriate punishment for such behavior, in place of the Father."
The last thing she could do was throw him one final spiteful glance before his finger came in contact with the trigger.
Bang! The sound of the first bullet reverberated in her mouth.
Bang! The second one pulsated deeply within her veins.
Bang! The third echoed through her lungs.
Bang! The fourth rippled through her milky eyeballs.
Bang! The fifth rang far into the distance.
By the time she came to, what remained was only but the shattered pieces of the one person that she'd been desperately clinging to.'
OOC: But it's okay. She'll heal it off.
Dark OC Asks
Excluding murder, what is the worst thing your OC has ever done?
Has your OC ever killed someone?
Has your OC killed a friend/family member/loved one?
What appears in your OC's darkest nightmares?
What is your OC's moral code?
Would your OC make a deal with the devil?
How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?
Would your OC consider themself evil?
Would you consider your OC evil?
Does your OC enjoy watching others suffer?
Has your OC ever tortured someone?
If your OC was arrested, what would the charges be?
Who does your OC hate the most?
What is your OC's "villain song"?
If you draw: draw your OC's darkest moment or reimagine your OC as a demon. If you don't draw: find a picrew or write a description instead!
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Just have finished veilguard. The only complain I will voice rn is how little content we have with Illario Dellamorte. And how little we know of his actual thoughts, not the mask he shows. That man is truly something else. I have so many questions. Why didn't he kill Caterina and Lucanis? Does he really still care about them in his own fucked up way? How the hell did he even win the heart of Zara Renata??? Bioware you can't do this to me, I NEED some codex and context about Illario. Why did Caterina didn't like him if he is capable enough to pull this off? Is this because Lucanis' mother was her favourite child? Considering that I spared Illario and romanced Lucanis, all while also being a crow, family get togethers are gonna be awkward for sure. I kinda feel bad for Illario? Maybe he deserves a villain arc after being Dellamorte-the-lesser all his life. While Lucanis certainly cares for his cousin-brother no matter what, he still doesn't believe in Illario being capable of something. Honestly, I am glad that Caterina isn't the big bad in this story. It would be so easy and boring to make a conflict with the right ones and the wrong ones. But after playing the game I can't really blame anyone. Yes, even the old woman who used to beat the shit out of her grandchildren. Sure it was wrong but can we think for a second that out of 5 Caterina's children and 8 grandchildren only 2 survived the succession crisis? Perhaps she used to be much softer and that was the result. This is what I like about veilguard. It's not only about regret, it's about family as well. Families tend to be fucked up and messy in real life. It is raw and too complicated and also real. Now Dellamorte family lives in my head rent-free.
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Okay so I’m scrolling though Instagram on my break, and I see a post from the NHL all about the ‘familial connections’ between this years draftees and other players in the league, and I saw this…
and I think….huh? I could’ve sworn Mack was the older brother (don’t know WHY I thought that considering it make literally no sense [its because I assign my blorbos either eldest daughter or only child, and Mack does NOT have only child energy {trust me I am one}]))…. So I go to google hit up db and what do I see????
Yep, YEEEEEP, poor Aiden getting out played by his younger brother in college, after being drafted 171st when your kid brother is gonna go 1st…. Finally someone who comes close to the pain of Jack Hughes (no not that Jack Hughes) who was in USNTDP the year after Jack Hughes (yes THAT Jack Hughes) left along side Luke Hughes…. And SPEAKING OF THE OTHER JACK HUGHES…..
Poor poor Jack Hughes (no not THAT Jack Hughes) little brother is getting drafted this year (though Callum is ranked at 99, and Jack was drafted at 51 so…. Probably won’t be as brutal as it’s gonna be for Aiden)
#do I even bother tagging this???#nah#also it’s VERY funny to me that one of the other family connections is Matthew and Brady’s second cousin#like…. we are doing SECOND COUSINS NOW????#I will not be emotionally prepared for when they make this post about Connor and Gavin in two years….. please no they are BABIES!!!)#GAVIN IS A BABY A CHILD!!!!
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hiding out in the bathroom at a family function . #slay
#it’s my mums side of the family aka the ‘rich’ side and it is so strange to be around them#bc i hardly ever see them and do not know them very well beyond my grandparents + they are so odd#my second(??) cousins who are like 6 and 8 are just sitting on their phones which is so strange like 😭 you are in yr one… why do you#have an ipjone….#last time we met up (christmas) i got into a debate about capitalism with my great uncle and now i’m not allowed to talk abt politics w thi#side of the family fhshhdhshfhsh#but then that same uncle was just talking abt politics w my pa and talking about how they’re ‘so lucky to have been raised poor in the 50s’#which i mean okay then . sure#anyway i’m getting out of the bathroom now bc i’ve abandoned my sister out there
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sang-hun is staring at him.
the man already looks like he's three seconds away from fainting. zuko doesn't know if it's because he just met the fire lord, or if it's because he met the avatar. it could even be because he'd met toph, because apparently she'd invented metalbending.
"lee??"
zuko knows he shouldn't respond to that name anymore. he still lifts his hand in greeting. it had been lu ten's idea to try and invite his husband to a nice breakfast with them. they kind of hadn't expected the avatar and his friends to crash it, but they'd been kind of clingy ever since his excursion as lee the other day.
...it was kind of like they were worried about him or something? weird.
"actually," lu ten says, "-that's my cousin zuko."
sang-hun just stares at him. "the other prince of the fire nation? you both got brainwashed?"
"it's a family thing," zuko says, "-apparently."
sang-hun groans, muttering to himself about how he'd let the prince of the fire nation served him tea. he'd invited the prince of the fire nation to his wedding. zuko didn't have it in him to point out that he'd married the crown prince of the fire nation. he probably knew already.
he was just glad things had worked out for lu ten. min-su and sang-hun had been head over heels for each other. it was obvious from the way his cousin looked at the man that he was just as in love with him. he ducked his head and smiled- and promptly got teased for it by sokka.
"quiet," zuko said dryly, "-or i'll... stab you with my fork or something."
"unbelievable," sokka said, "-fire nation violence in the earth kingdom palace? it's more like than you think."
his uncle invited sang-hun to sit with them and eat. sang-hun did so, almost in a daze. lu ten had definitely told him everything, but he guesses being told your husband is the crown prince of the fire nation and experiencing it are two different things. he should tell him he was a prince now too. it would be funny.
(technically he'd married min-su, an earth kingdom commoner. they'd probably have to get remarried in the fire nation to gain the official approval of the people. at least uncle would get to come to the wedding this time.
...at least zuko would get to come to the wedding this time. heh.)
lu ten is clean shaven again. he looks much better like that, zuko thinks. he's older than zuko remembers, but the same could be said for him. he tells them that he'd resigned from his job as a guard yesterday morning. he looks to uncle and tells him that he's woefully unemployed now. do you have any positions free, fire lord iroh?
"oh yes," iroh stroked his beard, "-let me think. how does crown prince of the fire nation sound?"
"hm," lu ten strokes his chin, "-well, it's not as good as my previous position, but i suppose i'll manage."
zuko tries and fails to not laugh.
(the avatar and his friends are looking at him, whispering in not-so hushed tones. zuko is laughing. should we be worried about that?
he glares at them and they all exhale in relief.)
the taste of the tea is familiar.
min-su frowns, and stares at his cup. he knows this flavor, but he's never been to this tea shop before. he never would have thought of coming to a tea shop in the upper ring if lee hadn't invited him. he'd been worried sick about the kid recently. he kept disappearing and reappearing- moving away suddenly, without warning.
he looks up at lee. something is... different about him.
it's just the short hair. or maybe it's the way he's stopped hiding his scar. it had churned his gut the first time he saw it. he'd wondered how anyone could do that to a kid- and he'd been relieved to learn later that it was just from an accident. he wasn't so sure why he'd been convinced someone had done it to him on purpose.
(he always expected lee to hate his father.)
min-su asks if he can meet the brewer. the tea is delicious he says. lee nods and leads him to the back. he's not smiling, for once. his expression is serious. it's not like him, min-su can't help but think. it's very much like him, he also thinks.
min-su stops dead in his tracks at the sight of the old man in the kitchen. he... knows this man from somewhere, some part of him thinks, even though they've never met. the man meets his eyes, and tears flow down his cheeks.
he calls him lu ten.
min-su feels cool hands pressed up against his skull- and then slowly, groggily, lu ten wakes up. it's like being dragged out of a frozen pond after being trapped in there for a long time. for a few moments, he doesn't remember how to move his body. then his father has thrown his arms around him and the spell breaks.
"father," lu ten says, "-what are you doing here?"
here is ba sing se. the siege failed. lu ten was captured. he was taken underneath a lake, and a different man using his body had walked back out. he called himself min-su, and found work as a guard. he was a good earth kingdom man, loyal to the earth king and the dai li. he fought for his country. he'd fallen in love with a metalworker and had married him. his favorite tea shop was a place called the lotus blossom...
...his favorite tea server was a young boy named lee.
lee. agni. zuko.
"father, zuko-"
"is fine," zuko says from behind him- then makes a face and wiggles his fingers, "-ish."
the waterbender just nods her head in solemn agreement. lu ten wonders if he's supposed to know her too. he's pretty sure she did something to heal his head. he looks at his cousin- and then extends an arm to him. zuko rolls his eyes in a very un-lee-like way, but he lets him drag them into the hug.
he'll find out a bit later exactly what happened to him. he'd been brainwashed. years later, his uncle and zuko come to the city as refugees- and zuko would help his sister take it down from the inside, only to be doublecrossed by her. zuko had been brainwashed too, but his was far worse than lu ten's had been.
the war was over. the fire nation had been defeated. his father now sat on the fire lord's throne, after having it taken from him by his uncle. he no longer wished for war- only peace. and lu ten, who had lived for seven years as a good earth kingdom man, could look back and see the futility and cruelness of it all.
...agni. how was he supposed to tell his husband this?
#lee from the tea shop#sang-hun voice: lee???? lee from the fucking tea shop?????#yeah buddy that's the name of this AU#sang-hun voice: we bonded as fellow ba sing se natives...#it's okay buddy. brainwashing juice strong
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I think this is a pretty reasonable situation to cry in, right?
#ughhhhh#you know what becausd i hate myself (not really dw) this isnt gonna be a vaguepost#if youre reading the tags buckle the fuck up#so last week and the week before were spring break for me#and the week before was jjst full of studying and exam stress to the point where i couldnt attend my archery lessons#cause all i was doing at that time was either studying or feeling like shit for not studying#but when spring break hit actually THE VERY SECOND it arrived I had to go to another city about two hours away to visjt family#and guess what? I STAYED THERE FOR ALMOST THE WHOLE ENTIRE SPRING FUCKING BREAK#so i couldnt even do most of the shit i wanted to#and even there i couldnt enjoy my time#why? because ALL I DID was study. my cousin tutors me and I was failing these 3 specific subjects#so she was helping me withtgem and she wouldnt leave me be#and when my (undiagnosed) adhd made me shit at focusing and my mind keot wantering and i kept looking away because i was understimulated#i got shouted at which was not very fun#whats worse is she did it in front of people. literally in public.#then we come back home THANKFULLY and she comes with us. because of course.#and now all my time all of it except for one or two hours of the day is just studying#the only free time i have is when she sleeps#and school. literally never in my life have i been happy to go to school and yet id rather be there than here.#but what choice do i really have#its either this or fail the exams#it gets worse. on thursday i was really tired from school. i came back and PASSED OUT#and by passed out I mean PASSED OUT#idk if it was cause it was hot outside or school just drained my energy but i could barely exist at that point#then my cousin finds me on the couch sweaty and basically dying#what does she do? she wakes me up like “alright time to study”#so yesterday i did charity work and it involved carrying a lot of heavy boxes and stuff so i naturally came back drained and tired and she#STILL WANTED ME TO STUDY so the second we got back I just slept and i was practically comatose so she coukdnt even wake me up#i slept for 11 hours and woke up to MORE STUDYING HURRAY and then at 5 i went to archery class and we got back at 8 and she WONT STOP#i just want to go home. im so tired. physically and mentally and emotionally. i just wanna go fucking home.
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my mum: stopped me at every opportunity I asked to come see my dying grandpa bc ‘you don’t want to see him like this’ even tho I already had seen him and he had been happy to see me after years estranged from that side of the family and I very much wanted to fit as much time with him in as possible before it was too late and in the end she blocked me from all of it
also my mum: you never came to see your grandpa, you don’t give a shit
and now my mum yet again: won’t let me come see my gran who has been losing weight and falling and breaking bones a lot and been in and out of hospital since being on her own. Didn’t let me go talk to gran when we were both at my great aunt’s funeral last year and so I never saw her and she only found out I was there through other people who saw me. Refuses every time I ask to see my gran, including now when I’ve got presents for her
also my fucking mum right now in the same breath as refusing to allow me to come over: you never come to see your gran, you don’t give a shit
make it make fucking sense jfc
#Never mind the fact that the way my mum and aunt and cousins act about my gran it feels like I’m the only one who DOES give a shit#I’m the one crying and feeling bad for her and wishing I could do more#while my mum and aunt bitch about each other and refuse to coordinate to find an arrangement that works bc they don’t talk#And no-one believes me bc of the years we spent estranged from the family#which was largely bc of my mum being Fucking Terrifying and my aunt a manipulative bitch#I’m so pissed off. I wanted to mend things with papa bc when everyone else had acted like fools he had been fine#and he didn’t deserve to lose contact with us for all this years and I wanted him to know we love him before he was gone#and my aunt and cousin walked us out of the cancer centre the second time I tried to see him so I only got one actual session with him#and now I can’t reach my gran who has been lonely and declining bc of the grief and loneliness#and I’m fucking pissed bc yeah my gran did some batshit stuff in the past#and it was all a big mess but I still don’t want her to feel like I don’t cherish all the good times I spent with her as a kid#before everything went sour. You couldn’t keep me away from them as a kid. I loved spending my holidays there#some of my fondest childhood memories were with them and I hate that things got ruined but I just#want to make up for lost time and let bygones be bygones and yet everything remains complicated
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Is it even Thanksgiving week if your extended family isn't giving you extreme agita
#woke up to an angry 5 paragraph essay of text messages#from my cousin because she was pissed about the trip to france#that i researched planned and invited her on#shes mad bc i was upset with her when she was nearly an hour late getting to the airport#bc she packed last second and left the house late#even though i told her how important leaving on time was to me bc it would cause me ungodly amounts of anxiety#and i was exhausted after our overnight flight and was cranky#which i apologized multiple times for bc i did feel bad for being tired and cranky#she never apologized for being late btw#and i got a fucking thesis statement of texts calling me rude dismissive and that she “didnt know who i thought i was talking to like that”#even though shes the one that complained about every. single. thing. all week#like she called everything we did and everywhere we ate a crappy tourist trap#and went on about how she didnt like the itinerary#which she had at the time we booked the goddamn trip#and i just feel so exhausted#and frustrated and hurt bc what am i gonna do#she sent a barrage of texts accusing me of being a shitty person for wanting to be on time and being tired our first day#and now she wont respond#so like what am i gonna do#shes my cousin and i love her but this is such a dick move and not a proper way to handle being upset#like its so immature!#i did all the work in terms of planning and researching and evrrything#for her to complain and be a snob about everything the whole time#AND now get yelled at at 8am sunday morning about how i didnt cater to her enough#like i had a great time anyway i cannot emphasize enough how much i loved the trip wven with her complaining#but like shes the unreasonable one here#i apologized profusely for being cranky and said i was also exhausted bc we were on the SAME OVERNIGHT FLIGHT I CAN BE TIRED TOO#and just bc i wasnt sulking all week like a child doesnt mean she didnt say or do anything to hurt my feelings#and even though objectively i know shes being unfair and angry and hurt right now#i feel really really really shitty and guilty and even if im right im still the one feeling like trash and crying rn
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also I fully believe if the Menendez trial(s) happened today it would have swung in the brothers' favor for two distinct reasons: 1) metoo means people are way more willing to believe survivors of sexual assault, including boys and men and 2) there would have been so much more public backlash as a result of disallowing making any part of their abuse part of their defense in the second trial they would have had to reverse it, if it was even attempted at all
#ask to tag#like the second trial is just so fucking BONKERS to me holy fuck#how do you lose a case then go 'well it was your good defense actually. that's not allowed' like holy FUCK#a hung case is still considered lost btw#bc the prosecution failed to prosecute#also sidenote: I don't fuck with you if you don't believe them#how can you watch the documentary that Erik narrated from prison and not believe it holy fuck#like. we got a hung jury IN THE NINETIES. that was 30 years ago. unwind 30 years of progress against social stigma in your mind. there was#still enough evidence for reasonable doubt with all of that bias. imagine if it had been tried today!!!!!!#30+ years of them in prison for no fucking reason!!!! I mean they#probably would have gotten out on time served if they got convicted of voluntary manslaughter!!!#to paraphrase the defense is the only good abuse victim a dead one? we've been having this (lack of) conversation about how acceptable it is#for abuse victims and survivors to Fight Back for decades. now look at amber heard. holy fuck#I just. I think about it a lot sometimes#do you think the jury for the second trial after they convicted found the evidence from the first trial and would have changed their minds?#because they convicted based on evidence presented and they weren't allowed to present anything to do with the abuse at ALL#like. none of the cousins who said that they told them they were being touched. none of the family who saw suspicious things. none of the#coaches and teachers who never saw any affection from their parents only punishment#I just. the second trial is actually disgusting to me lmfao
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at some point i'll start recording while i draw. mostly cuz i want to see what i did to get to this point but it'd be neat... if i did it hvhsd
#just me hi#i would like to be able to post that stuff too#it'd be neat :> if i-#but unfortunately i have what is called Bad Memory and zero knowledge of how to build a habit so i guess one day loll#like -I- would like to see what it looks like when i draw 5 hands in 30 minutes and nothing else. it'd be fun !!#sigh. but alas. past me does not think that far into the future#the furthest we think is 'hee hee scribble :3' and then black out for a thousand years#but that's ok‚ we have hands now :) (drawn hands)#//and i've been having trouble picking something to work on again lollll#you'd think that making refsheets for the Ch0ir would mean 'oh! there's a decent amount of interest in that to do something else with it!'#nO!! lol!! won't can't didn't lolll#wanted to work on my current favorite writing-project‚ nahp!! nothing there‚ don't even Touch the save file or kaPOOT#wanted to do Something‚ Anything with p1nk space and That didn't even leave my brain. Zero Action Involved 💯#//also had super really bad internet recently but that's ok. i guess i'll just go insane to the same 5 songs i have downloaded‚ it's ok :)#[<- lying so hard we are losing my mIND somebody send helP i'm blinking twice auhguhgruog]#and i also misplaced my sketchbook so i've spent some time just staring out windows and at my siblings to slightly offput them. very#therapeutic i highly recommend 👍#//idk why i keep adding a second C to recommend. when did that start happening#every time without fail! reccommend is recomends sibling‚ and they're both recommends cousins#and don't even Mention reccomend! pah‚ that guy's insufferable#/see why can i spell congratulations beautiful insufferable ingenuity and poltergeist right on the first try but i can't (ex.) SPEEL.#these rules are dumb. from now on watever happesn hapens#see cuz i can get eh t letters but the odered is all wrong. and sometimes it's just staightr up the wrong word#like why did i just spell 'of course' ?? i meant 'backwards' ._.#and it's not even slepped right!! like hwat is goin on over there waith 'ovfc ousres'. they good orrr ??#likek whtatch me i can't get so many words wrong is none sentence s who even NEEDS aoutcorrect ouhfuohosug#meant 'can' but who cares fvfvbshfj#how does one hit an apostrophe by accident. tha ansswer is Magic obvisouly#liek i know i mispell kinda often but i reall y go through these things so often cuz i just have wonlyky fingers! they do they're own thisg#they like to dance!! and condgind is n't always coordinated
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kings island number one tho i love that place. i wanna go to kings island
#the last couple times we went me and lamp were old enough t go off on our own 😏and yeah we went fucking crazy#we went on so many rollercoasters bc we both love.rollercoasters#LAMP MORE THAN ME LAMPS OBSESSEDDD WITH ROLLER COASTERS#theyre also so scary on them bc they dont scream they legit laugh. and not like a teehehe its like maniacal its rly fjnny#i also dont scream i just go completely stonefaced#my thing with rollercoasters is whej im in line for a rollercoaster i hate rollercoasters when im on a rollercoaster i hate rollercoasters#the second im OFF arollercoaster i love them sm and i say Lets go again Lets go again#and the second im out of the park km like sigh.. i miss rollercoasters 💚#I DO MISS ROLLER COASTERS THO. EVEN THOUGH MY HEAD ALWAYS HURTS SOOOOO BAD AFTER THEME PARK#we used to go a lot when i was little bc my granny worked at toyota#so we got to go on toyota day 😏 youre jealous i can tell.#and then i think she started taking my cousins instead BOOO BOOOOOO plus we moved farther away so yk.#but now my DAD works at toyota so we got to go last year.. grins#and we also went for i thinkk last years halloween haunt? and the one b4 it
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i am sick of having nightmares of being r*ped again nearly every night. i don't want to have to feel my stepfather's disgusting body pressed against my own ever again, even if it's not real. i wake up feeling disgusting and sweaty.. gross..
#i'd stopped having them for a while but now it seems like theyre back#well i guess this isn't new#but i'm very tired of it#it's not even only him i dream about doing this. just men i know who make me feel uncomfortable too#i have several vivid dreams a night and wake up over and over. usually at least one involves me getting assaulted#(either physically and/or sexually)#although the second to last one i had last night i got arrested for stealing grapes and pineapples from a grocery store with my cousin#then i went to prison and made friends with other girls there and we broke out twice. that dream wasn't bad.#rape tw#csa tw#sa tw#vent tw#tw#trigger warning
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I know on the surface that the comments made about my body are given with positive connotations, but I can't help but feel like they're badges worn crooked, medals undeserved.
#i was told by an old family friend that my face was looking slimmed#another never fails to mention how she remembers she used to be as thin as me before she had children every time we meet#another always says to her girlfriends how theyd like to have waists like mine while in earshot of me#a cousin said i mustnt eat with how skinny i am#even my dad makes comments on how i used to have quote chicken legs when i was younger and how theyre not much different now#i dont think any of them realize how much i wish to gain more weight or how much im doing to try and promote some fat STAYING but failing#and its the physical weakness that comes with being this little too#how many times i get scared because im playing around with someone and cant break free#and thats just playing around like what if it was legit? id be dead in two seconds#rant#nemos thoughts#tw body insecurity
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I made a vague semblance of brushing my teeth today! second time this year ...
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#it's not even cause i'm autistic mainly its just The Anxiety#... also bristles on my gums feel Weird but it's not that bad so i'm basically neurotypical in this area [untrue]#apparently i brushed my teeth 9 times last year and 20 in 2022...... the things you learn#2021 i dont have an accurate number & before that i wasn't tracking at all i dont think so... yeah.#oh i forgot to tag#лёва паспрабуе АДК#there we go :) even if it's not in the right place...#anyways my point is: why does everyone else seem to have a much more hygenic standard of life. HOW are you doing that#i used to shower every other day so ??? i kind of get it?? but even so that is not Every Fucking Day and i had to slowly build up to it....#right now it's just Whenever but whenever tends to be about a week#which is still good! but i do think that i should be showering more but i caaaaant make myself do it :/#like i said it's not really because of anything relating to being autistic— unless the Sound Anxiety:tm: is related#which for all i know it could be. i wouldnt think so but... you never know i guess#but yeah. for now my comprimise is no toothpaste but seriously?? SECOND time this year??? i knew it was bad but not.... that bad.......#the only saving grace is that i got the good teeth lmao#there have been multiple times of me just eating straight chocolate for like a week & nothing bad has happened (Yet)#........... i do wonder what i have to do to actually brush my teeth more#my cousin does it in the shower so maybe that? but then again i can at least shower with other people awake & in the house#and for brushing my teeth i Cannot (yet)#anyways i'm going back to sleep lmao
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If I had shapeshifting powers like Odo I'd turn into an orangutan and teach other great apes sign language (but for real) and ignite Intelligent Super Ape Socialism
#i may have planet of the apes on my current sci-fi roster alongside ds9#the new ones that i never watched bc i grew up on the old ones and also didn't care for james franco & his involvement lol#thank caesar he was only in the first (which ho boy has some of the worst dialogue writing ive experienced in a long time)#if they make the CGI any further realistic it will be too much. the newest one was ever so slightly too uncanny imo#they are apes stop trying to give them more humanlike gestures/expressions. ape express self & communicate emotions in ape way not human#also the story was the worst. Rise had bad 2011 dialogue but a good story while Kingdom was v bad story which is way less forgivable#its trying to do too much & thus too many threads go unwoven by the end#like clearly its laying the groundwork for Noa igniting an ape educational revolution that leads to Ape City & its scientists but it should#have been more focused on that/the ape factions. but noo they hired a pretty young actress to get in the way for 2 hours so thats where the#story spent most of its time 🙄🙄🙄#best part of the human storyline was the 5 seconds of dichen lachman at the very end#Dawn and War were sick as hell though. really good movies & the ape mocap CGI goldilocks-ed in a way we'll probably never see again bc ever#every studio is convinced hyper-realism is the ultimate universal goal with sci-fi/fantasy visual effects 🙄#ANYWAY PLANET OF THE APES RANT FOR ANOTHER DAY IF I DONT STOP MYSELF NOW ILL YAP ABOUT IT ALL NIGHT I FUCKIN' LOVE PLANET OF THE APES#if intelligent aliens exist & are aware of earth they dont fuck w humans bc they see how we treat our ape cousins in this essay i will.....
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17 days until i’m 27
#gonna try to keep my expectations low for this thing too#cause last time during my birthday celebration no one even asked how i am. who cares that its my bday? who cares about the fact that its#my day?? nope. i even got insulted cause i sat on the part of the sofa where my aunt wanted to sit#i just wasnt as obedient as usual and she did NOT like it#so yeah when everyone went home i just had a breakdown cause nobody cared about me#i wish they’d care now but i’ll try to not expect anything#which for me is basically impossible but ill try#its just… i always hope that on my birthday people will finally show me love but i guess thats a pretty fucked up thing#if they dont like me thats fine. one day my people will love me everyday. not just on my bday. and not out of pity#its just that ive been lonely for so long#but its ok#but no celebration this year except we’ll just acknowledge it during easter. cause mine’s on easter second day#by we i mean my family my grandma and cousin families#i do have my delusiona about coach surprising me but ik thats not gonna happen#its just that he’s my favourite person and i’m a maladaptive daydreamer so#just gonna ignore my brain#no one in fencing will probably gonna remember my birthday#except the ones who have me on facebook
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