#And no-one believes me bc of the years we spent estranged from the family

[yaminerua]

my mum: stopped me at every opportunity I asked to come see my dying grandpa bc ‘you don’t want to see him like this’ even tho I already had seen him and he had been happy to see me after years estranged from that side of the family and I very much wanted to fit as much time with him in as possible before it was too late and in the end she blocked me from all of it

also my mum: you never came to see your grandpa, you don’t give a shit

and now my mum yet again: won’t let me come see my gran who has been losing weight and falling and breaking bones a lot and been in and out of hospital since being on her own. Didn’t let me go talk to gran when we were both at my great aunt’s funeral last year and so I never saw her and she only found out I was there through other people who saw me. Refuses every time I ask to see my gran, including now when I’ve got presents for her

also my fucking mum right now in the same breath as refusing to allow me to come over: you never come to see your gran, you don’t give a shit

make it make fucking sense jfc

[medieval-canadian]

hi everyone~

so idk if anyone has noticed but i haven’t been very responsive to replies and such lately! i want to apologize for inadvertently ignoring any of my lovely mutuals and such. i’ve been having a bit of a rough time in the past couple weeks or so. long, rambly explanation below the cut; check tags for content before clicking ok?

anyway, to start wayyyyy back at the beginning: i am my parents’ oldest child, and my dad is his parents’ oldest child. because none of my dad’s siblings was particularly precocious in starting a family, i have always been quite a bit older than all of my cousins on my dad’s side; the order is me (26), my sister (23), my cousin will (22), my bro (20), and then a variety of progressively younger ones. i love my cousins, obviously, but i’ve never been particularly close to any of them, largely because of age difference (which are much more pronounced when you’re younger) as well as the way they all naturally sort of paired off.

my mother, on the other hand, is the youngest of her three siblings, so my cousins on that side are all older than me; my eldest cousin is well into her thirties and has 3 kids. however, for the vast majority of my childhood, my mother was estranged from her older sister (for a panoplie of reasons, including language and politics haha vive le quebec lol). anyway, this meant that, while i had a whole array of cousins and aunts and uncles on my dad’s side, and saw them pretty often, of the six on my mom’s side (her sister had 4 kids, her brother 2), i only ever saw two of them; also, their parents (my mom’s bro and his /now ex-/conjointe) are my godparents, my parrain et marraine. obviously, though it was sometimes difficult for my godparents to juggle seeing my mom separately from my aunt, i had more of a rapport with mathieu and especially with vincent, who, really, is my age, having only 3 months on me. 

almost a dozen years ago, after completing a diplôme professionel in carpentry, mathieu lit out for whistler and the exhilaration of the slopes of the rockies. both he and vincent spent a lot of their childhood winters and every teenage winter hitting the slopes with their snowboards in quebec. in the summers, they reverted to skateboards. i learned every ounce of my rather limited skate & snow vocabulary from them. anyway, he left quebec with essentially no knowledge of english, and then learned, and stayed in BC. he worked as carpenter, worked on the 2010 olympic village in whistler, and he picked up some very strong beliefs about living off the land etc. he lived for a good amount of time in a trailer parked on land that he rented from a resident of the squamish reservation (idk what exactly the legalities of that are lol). we saw him very occasionally--he came back to visit a few times, but not very often, since it’s a pricey flight. i know when he was back in montreal last, but i can’t actually remember seeing him.

some pretty major things happened to him. a while ago, my godfather called the house in a panic because no one could find mathieu anywhere; he’d practically disappeared. the phone calls that needed to be made to hospitals and the rcmp etc were all calls to be held in english, which my uncle doesn’t speak. so my dad did the legwork, on the phone long-distance for hours, eventually finding my cousin in a hospital, where he was unconscious and considered a john doe due to lack of identification. we never really figured out the details; there was some sort of garbled explanation when mathieu woke up about a motorcycle accident (and his ID was in his bike’s saddlebags, which apparently weren’t searched when he was found unconscious on the side of the road). later, an oblique reference to “the assault” led us to believe that perhaps the event was not so innocent as he’d made it seem. there were debts. my godfather helped with those more than once. there were drugs. my other maternal cousins fought with him about it more than once. there was a fire, from which mathieu and his girlfriend barely escaped with their lives, and because of which they lost basically everything. 

most things were kept from family, or kept from friends. no one ever got all the pieces, just the ones they managed to dig out, from the other side of the country, or those that my cousin chose to report, or misrepresented. 

at the end of may, mathieu posted a video on instagram about his decision to follow his girlfriend’s advice and seek help, and his ptsd diagnosis. it seemed good and hopeful.

[WARNING: GRAPHIC] 

a week later, he swallowed a bottle of tranquillizers, and, just to be sure, hanged himself. we found out the day after. his girlfriend, with whom he had fought the evening he died, was the one who found him.

it was his funeral last weekend. it was hard. it was hard because i loved him. it was hard because im so goddamn mad at him. it was hard because my heart breaks when i think of him so far, and when i remember how little effort i made to stay in contact. it rips at me that i can’t remember the last time i saw him. the memory is just... gone. i know where it should be. i have memories of the event around it, but the last time he was in my presence is a blank. 

it was hard because my godparents are devastated, and vincent is crushed. my big, strong, shy cousin, the kid i played videogames with, and giggled about our mamie and papie with, the boy who would invite me into his room to play with legos, who would eat by stuffing his cheeks like a chipmunk. sobbing quietly in the corner of the room where his brother’s ashes sit. 

it was hard because, for all the grief, it flashed through my mind when we held each other after the service, his cheek pressed to my hair and my chin digging into his shoulder, his murmur that on prend soins de nous in my ear--the thought, silverquick: ça s'rait pire si c’tait toi. 

grief, gratitude, guilt, all tangled together. 

[realisaonum]

i was tagged in a answer 11 questions, create 11 questions, tag some folks meme by @yeats-infection​  this is a few days late, but thanks gen!! <3

1) what is the conspiracy theory / cryptid / Unsolved Mystery you believe in most deeply? i actually haven't spent too much time investigating many of these! But i do have a fake travel poster advertising Indonesia and the Giant Ahool - so let's go with that one!!

2) if you could live in any historical time, or future time, what would it be? uh ideally i would like to live in a future time where i get to write in my house on a cliff over looking the ocean which i don't have to leave if i don't want to or unless i need to buy groceries. 

3) what’s your favorite thing you’ve ever created? if you’re not an artist, that’s totally okay - baking/cooking counts (just link the recipe!!!), crafting, etc. etc. well for the past two years it had been my Whiptrash fic, My Kingdom for Your Graces, which really imltho did everything i set out for it to do and it was well received in the small community i had written it for. But as i move forward on my current wip, These Will Just Be Places to Me Now, is becoming my favorite. it's a very timely piece for me with its themes and tone; as in the past year i have more or less cut ties with some persons in my life with who i had rather unhealthy relationships. I could go on and on — i just love it so much.

4) what’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been? and the ugliest place you’ve ever been? beautiful: iceland probably or Hong Kong. there are some quite breathtaking places along the Pacific coast. hell i like most of the places i have been, but those come to mind first! ugliest: ugh downtown LA in the summer....is largely unpleasant

5) tell me about a song or album that has autobiographical significance to you. i already told you this, Gen, but The National's City Middle is a pretty big one for me in terms of my relationship to writing. that's a bit of a downer, so for just me in general, I would say Bon Iver's 10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄ [Extended Version] - the way he speaks about time, in particular, resonates with my own feeling and has actually been a theme which has cropped up in my writing since i was quite young and before i even realized i was doing it.

6) what is your favorite meme? idk there are so many good ones but the fucking doge never ceases to make me laugh tbh

7) do you collect anything? if so, what and why? at various points in my life, i have collected jewelry boxes, Barry Koltnow Hollywood commentary articles, and stickers (actually I still do this). But lately i just collect quotes of brilliant prose. Mostly for inspiration for my own work, but also they are just fucking good and i like memorizing good writing.

8) your best drug experience? your worst drug experience? (alcohol counts) not THE best, but a really good experience: was the just this side of tipsy we all got at the cast party of Hamlet—which we had performed in Elsinore— and so we were drinking in the castle and we just had a ball; high on our success. Also this was the first time i tasted Gammeldansk, which i adore beyond all measure. worst drug experience: i got absolutely smashed the day of drumpfs election. i drunk that evening till i was sick and then i woke up the next day sick for work. nasty hangover a+++

9) what is your favorite item of personal adornment? (clothing, makeup, jewelry, anything goes!) atm probably gonna have to go with my blood red eye glasses. i had wanted them for a long time but couldn't seem to find any with big enough lenses for me to aha ha ha see. i even took a sharpie to a cheap pair of clear ones i had, till i finally found some real red ones late last year and i just love them. also simply because i am currently wearing it; i really love this tank top i have with an ink splattered bottle and the words "and it will be a voice made of ink and rage" which is a nice disclaimer for me lol

10) how do you feel about travelling alone? do you think you’d enjoy a trip abroad with only yourself for company? and where do you most want to go? -- i love traveling alone, in fact, for the most part prefer it. like yeah sure there are things that are better done with a group or a partner, but depending on how you travel you can find these too. length of travel is also a big factor. the month i spent backpacking around europe was wonderful, but it got lonely sometimes and it's also hard to have no one to relate to about the things you experienced abroad back home. however ngl i am low-key half dreading this family reunion trip i have coming up this summer, since i have a fractured and estranged relationship with some of these ppl, but even the road trip with my mom i had last year was good for what it was. nice to spend time with her and all, but truthfully not my preference. my current dream trip is to hike the Faroe Islands. by myself. like this is all i want tbh: so i’d fly into copenhagen for a few days, and then travel to Jutland and take a ferry to Faroe, hike the islands for two weeks at least, and then catch the ferry to iceland. take the road up along the north side of the island and just really take my time with seeing the country. 

11) what do you think about before you fall asleep? -- on good nights: scenes for my stories!

tagging: @glendowers-boyfriend, @vvhymack @patrocles @sybilius @tartpants @elvamire @abernatty @abernathae @cryptidraccoon @babypinkproko @cytharat And here are your questions (i am also gonna steal a couple of your questions, gen, bc they are cool!)

what’s your favorite thing you’ve ever created? if you’re not an artist, that’s totally okay - baking/cooking counts (just link the recipe!!!), crafting, etc. etc.

if you read fanfcition what is your fave fic? why? (if you don’t read it, why not?)

how do you feel about travelling alone? do you think you’d enjoy a trip abroad with only yourself for company? and where do you most want to go? 

tell me about a song or album that has autobiographical significance to you. 

is there somewhere you want to go back to? could be a time or place

describe you ideal signature scent

what is a piece of art you wish you could have in your home? (doesn't HAVE to be a painting)

do you like seeing musical performances live? who would you most like to see perform?

what quote do you repeat most often? be it from a movie, a famous person, or your grandmother

best advice you have received

what piece of media has been on your ‘to read/watch/listen/etcetc’ list forever but for some reason you haven't gotten to it yet?

[luckkyy-buddha999-blog]

MEMORIES OF KIM

Si Muang Mai Circa 2008.

 Morning coffee is my favorite time of the day.

I do most of my productive and creative thinking during this time.The above picture is from my Thai Family's Rice farm close to the Laotian border.I was visiting during a very stressful time,as my father-in law "Boon" was dying.

Boon was a very good man,father and above all "Jai dee mak".Boon died at 6 Pm on Jan.2,2008.I was holding his hand when he went to Buddha.

It hurt,and it still does.

This brings me to "Kim".

I am now 63 years old .It has been 38 years and some very hard and difficult  times since i last

saw my friend Kim.Life is very strange at times,and the writing of this particular post is no different.

I am a part time blogger,who mostly writes about life in Thailand and my Thai family.

Thirty eight years ago,i had another family of friends.

Kim,Faith,Dave,Chuck,Tim and Fred to name just a few of them.

I will not include their last names,as it is not relevant to this post.

The fact i am even writing about Kim,is in it's self a miracle.

The "Miracle" being that my friend Faith emailed me after 30 plus years of being estranged.

I can't write this post without including Faith,as Kim and Faith were inseparable,and always will be in my mind.Faith ask me to write my memories of Kim and some other related people and events during the all to short time i  had with my friend(s).

I need to back track and give you some background on myself,as it is relevant to this story.

I was 23 years old when i met Kim,

I was at that time a professional Skier and world class "Rounder",that would be putting it kindly(Rounder).Kim was a world class Dentist(Periodontics) and associate professor at the University of Washington in Seattle Washington.

The one connecting factor in all my relationships with the above people,was Skiing and Kim.

The day i met this wonderful woman(Kim),is one i will never forget.

After a day of skiing at MT.Baker(Washington State),i stopped at the Chandelier Chalet (Bar & restaurant).hoping to get a few free drinks,and maybe a couch to crash on.

I was broke,no home,car or anything but my few belongings and Skiing equipment.

Being 23 and always on the lookout for a lady with a kind heart,car,money and lodging,well Kim was

"Manna" from heaven.

Kim was a very petite,Blond, very pretty,and had the most radiating smile.

I forgot to mention the Silver Corvette sitting in the parking lot(her Vett).

The first words Kim spoke to me were"I really like the way you Ski,can i buy you a drink"!

I just won the door prize.

My intentions were nothing more then "taking it to the wall",just the way i lived day to day.

Kim,took no time in offering me a place to crash(Seattle WA),which i readily accepted.

This is where the real story begins.

Ms.Kim and her friend Faith were way ahead of me.

I do believe after so many years of thinking about that first chance encounter with Kim,it was me who was being led down the primrose path.

I did indeed find a very nice  place to crash,pretty lady,and Faith came along with the package.

I was "Hooked" for the rest of my life.

I am not easily swayed by "Alpha Type" people,as i prefer to stay in control.

Being the big fish in the small pond was my intentions.As we all know."The best intentions" seem to go awry when we least expect it.I guess you might have noticed that the friends listed above are all "Male",and like myself they were befriended by Ms. Kim(except Chuck).Kim was the "Super Nova" of attracting admirers,who became loyal friends of both Kim & faith.

It would take me months of writing to even scratch the surface of my relationships with both Kim & Faith.

I have lost friends,family members,and close associates in my life,and "Memories" is all i have left.

I remember the great times we had skiing,dinners,parties and doing what good friends do together.

My life is better because of both Kim & Faith & other friends.

Kim died in 1975.I was 25 years old and left with a very big hole in my soul.

From the very first chance encounter with her,my life has never been the same.

When Kim left us,Faith took the leadership role of our family of friends.

I am indebted to all my past friends for their generosity,love,companionship and memories.

Faith ask me to write about my surgery and recovery.

When i said that Kim was leading me down the "Primrose Path",i was not making it up.

I was only at her home for a short period of time before she volunteered me for a full facial reconstruction at the University of Washington Dental school.

It seems they needed a willing,healthy(non-litigating) volunteer for a experimental procedure.

I was it!

I now believe that Kim "Hooked" me,knowing just what i was going to "Volunteer For".

It was impossible to say "No" to either Kim or faith(hey,i am writing this rather long post after thirty years of estrangement)..Go Figure!.I spent almost four months every week doing the pre surgery routine and work ups at the Dental school.

The day of the surgery fell on a Saturday,and Ms. Kim informed me she could not bear to watch a friend "Bleed",so she went skiing.

I on the other hand spent 11 hours on the operating table,four days in "ICU" and damn near died.

My recovery was spent on Faith's huge couch overlooking LK.Washington sipping Demerol through a small straw(it"the Demerol" was repossessed within a short period of time.

As it has been many years since that surgery,my year plus spent fully recovering from the surgery is "Foggy",but i spent time in Vancouver B.C. with Kim's Sister Susan remodeling her downstairs basement and drinking "BC Apple Cider"12% Alcohol" through a straw.

Kim & faith came to visit and go skiing at Whistler MT. during my rehab.

Skiing was the glue that kept all of us together.

Friendships our built on shared interest,and the mountains and skiing  were our main interest.

Life was fun during that short period of time(1973-1982).

Kim,was only with us a very short period of time(30 months for me)longer for Faith,but not long enough.I left Seattle and faith in 1981 for the last time,as far as my relationships with my past friends.

It is now "32" years later,Memories of Kim and Faith and my friends,still hold a special place in my heart.

Luckkyybuddha999(James A. Swan)