#if they dont like me thats fine. one day my people will love me everyday. not just on my bday. and not out of pity

[thoughtfulseason]

17 days until i’m 27

[gabyun]

⋆ ˚｡⋆ ୨୧ he likes me, he likes me not. - n.riki

pairing - niki x fem! reader

genre - highschool! au , bestfriends to lovers , fluffy fluff, teenage love, awkwardness in some parts, amusement park date

warnings - none besides like a few swear words😭 AND ITS VERY CHEESY

summary - you and niki hangout consistently, multiple times a week. the air started to feel different between you two, but both of you just tried to ignore it. niki, unfortunately wasn’t able to ignore it so easily. he felt butterflies from such little things you would do, little things you would say. he lately had a fuzzy feeling around you, but he just kept telling himself ` i don’t like her, we’re just too close. i don’t like her, i don’t like her, i don’t like her. or do i? `

wc - 2.7k

a/n - ahh this is my first time even writing something like this, i hope its not cringe or anything and i hope it doesnt seem way too rushed. i’ve been wanting to write stuff for awhile now and i finally had the chance to so i hope this came out good 😽 lmk if theres anything i should keep in mind for the next one !! i also finished this at like 2am so its not entirely proofread but definitely give me advice 🙏(also this entire time ive been listening to ur so pretty by the wasia project so this is like the background song of this story.)

you and riki were inseparable. firstly, you guys had almost every class together so it truly added onto the fact that you both were rarely seen without each other. secondly, you both lived on the same street since second grade meaning you two walked home together everyday. so, obviously people had speculated that there was something between you both. but, you guys consistently turned the idea down. it was now last period, english class. you guys inevitably sat beside each other. " hey niki " you began. "hm? whats up?" he perked up after having his head laying down on his desk. "do you wanna stop at the convenience store before we head home? im kinda hungry and both of our parents dont get home until 6pm." you asked. "hell yeah i do!" he looked up at you excitedly. "but you have to pay this time. i didnt bring any money" "ugh, fine" you sulked. "y/n i literally payed last time." you shot him a dirty look. "fine. but dont get $30 worth of snacks like that one time." "yeah yeah whatever.."

the bell rang, and it was time to go home. you and niki excitedly walked to the convenience store you both previously mentioned. you walked up to the door, opening it and jokingly saying "ladies first" to niki. "tch" he said sassily, rolling his eyes. the door chimed whilst being opened, and the employee greeted you both. you guys walked around the snack isle, the brightly coloured drinks illuminating certain sections of the store. one in particular caught your eye, so you walked over and grabbed it "i cant believe you dont like milkis." you said. "there are way better drinks y/n. " "yeah? like what." you challenged him. "um, anything besides milkis?" he sarcastically smiled. you walked over toward the icecream bin, selecting your favourite one. "niki, u want ice cream? they have ur favourite." you reached in deeper to grab it. "yeah sure. thatll be nice on a day like this" "ugh, i don’t want winter to come.. it’ll be so cold!" you shuttered. "you’ll survive y/n" niki sighed. you walked up to the checkout counter with niki, placing your items down. "that’ll be $14!" the older, but sweet looking woman said. "thats much less then last time." you pulled out your wallet, giving her the money. you both walked out, and you sat down on the concrete steps next to the store windows. niki followed, sitting right next to you. you never noticed before, but he smells good. like a mix of shampoo and some sort of cologne. you never knew he wore cologne. you guys simultaneously unwrapped the ice cream together, and started indulging in the sweet snack. "this is so good!" you said. "i bet mines better." niki remarked. "let me try yours." he put his ice cream in-front of your mouth, and let you take a bite. "mmh.. its alright.. niki i just think my tastes are better then yours" you shrugged playfully. your relationship was always playful. you guys were constantly teasing each other, and it felt good. it felt good to be so close to someone. as you guys continued, he looked over at you. the lights of the convenience store lit up the back of your body as the sun started setting earlier due to it getting slightly colder, making your hair glisten. he never noticed how pretty your hair looked under the bright lights. you both finished up, starting to get ready to finish your walk home. as you guys cleaned up, you looked over toward his face. you giggled, reaching your hand towards his mouth. "you’ve always been such a messy eater." his eyes widened, a hint of pink slightly covering his cheeks. "i-i can clean my own face.." "oh. sorry niki." you trailed off, confused. this wasn’t your first time cleaning off his face yet to him it felt different. he felt an unusual feeling, his heart fluttered and his stomach felt warm as his face did too. throughout this whole interaction, the convenience store lady observed quietly through the window. "i miss my high school years." she sighed.

late summer turned into fall, and fall turned into winter. nikis feelings just kept getting harder and harder to ignore. niki was in the change room after gym class with his friends. "are you sure you dont have feelings for y/n?" his friend jay asked. he hesitated momentarily. "yes. i am sure.. why are you asking..?" he questioned, worriedly. "so you wont care if i ask her to go out with me?" niki looked shocked by his comment. "you dont even know her.. why would you wanna ask her out." he said, annoyed. "niki, she is really beautiful. im sure theres a lot of other guys who would love to get a chance with her." his other friend heeseung added. "still! y/n doesnt need to be dating shitty guys like you. she deserves someone who will treat her right.. especially not you guys." he huffed, even more annoyed. "and i dont like her." jay and heeseung shrugged in defeat. "or do you?" jay added. "i dont.." niki trailed off, thinking about it more. "whatever you say, buddy." heeseung said, sarcastically. niki finished changing quickly, grabbing his bag and leaving for his next class. once the door shut, jay and heeseung and a few other boys began talking "he definitely has feelings for her." "yeah, 100%" "i don’t doubt that" "its getting extremely obvious" "mhm"

he stood outside your house, waiting for you to come out so you both could get headed to school. he oddly felt nervous. you opened the door, and waved, cutely. you were wearing a scarf, as niki was also. you both had big puffy jackets. you walked towards him. "lets go! i dont wanna be late again." he took in your beauty. "mhm" he answered, quietly. as you were walking, you offered him your other earphone. you guys had similar music tastes. ‘somethin stupid’ by frank sintara had begun to play. "i love this song." you said, softly. "yeah. it is really nice." he breathed out air, the cold made it look like smoke. you opened your pocket mirror, adjusting your hair. "do i look good? i had such a bad hair day yesterday." niki turned to you, not surprised by your question, but hes never truly seen you that way before. hes always known you’re pretty, but he never actually felt that way. "you look beautiful. you are beautiful." he said. "w-what?" you said, completely taken aback. he’s obviously complimented you before, but about your looks more specifically? this time, it really sounded like he meant it. you looked away from your pocket mirror, facing him. he looked at you with a twinkle in his eyes. you both stood there for a couple seconds more. "n-nothing.. forget i even said anything." he looked down at his feet. you could practically feel his embarrassment radiating off of him. you guys continued walking, listening to your shared playlist. a couple minutes go by and you began to speak. "thank you, niki." "hm?" "thank you. for calling me beautiful." you looked down at your feet, smiling. "oh.. don’t worry about it." he rubbed the back of his neck. both of your feelings were becoming more and more apparent as the days went on.

you were laying in bed, reading your favourite book with a comforting lamp on. you were under your fluffy blanket, and your curtains flowed softly as your window was the slightest bit open. you felt the buzz go off on your phone sitting next to you.

riks : omg y/n

you : omg niki

riks : remember that amusement park we mentioned wanting to go to for awhile?

you : yes ofc i remember?!?

riks : WELL THEYRE OPENING NEXT WEEKEND!!

you : NO WAY FR??

riks : YES DO U WANNA GO

you : is that even a question.

riks : alr alr IM SO EXCITED

you : ME TOO

you shut off ur phone, kicking around in your bed out of excitement. you and nikis parents would always take you guys to amusement parks or fairs when you were little. you guys haven’t gone in quite a while, so this was gonna be fun, but also nostalgic. big rides were always your favourite thing, but he hated them. he was always so scared to go on them, so this time you were absolutely determined to make him go on one with you.

around a week passes by, and its time to get ready to go to the amusement park with niki. it was still pretty cold, so you had to take that into account. the park was opening back up for some sort of winter event, apparently it was supposed to be really pretty. you’re getting ready, styling your hair and doing your makeup. usually, you dont put that much makeup on. but this time, without even realizing, you were doing alot more. you put some really pretty eyeglitter on, using waterproof mascara so your eyelashes hold better, just overall doing stuff you wouldnt usually do on a day to day basis. "wait.. why am i so worried about how i look, its just niki." you told yourself. just niki. as you were continuing to get ready, you were getting increasingly nervous. "this isnt a date y/n, this isnt a date. you have nothing to be worried about. its just a regular hangout with your bestfriend." you kept telling yourself. you put your jacket on, and you also grabbed a fuzzy scarf. little did you know, niki was telling himself the same things in the mirror as he tried to lessen the sweat on his palms.

you and niki arrive at the amusement park. it was beautiful lit, even though it wasn’t late the lights of all the fun rides illuminated the place wonderfully. you and niki looked at each other and smiled brightly, bringing back tons of memories. niki ran over to the bumper cars, and you followed. it was always his favourite thing to do. you hopped in the car of your choice and niki went in the one beside you. the game started, and you tried your best to hit niki as hard as you possibly could, whipping him forward practically giving him whiplash. you were basically pissing yourself laughing as he gave you the nastiest look. it took him a few tries but he finally ended up beside you once again and repeatedly rammed into you. you guys went 2 more rounds before becoming tired and finally leaving the bumper car area. you both adjusted yourselves, but niki noticed your shoelace was untied. "y/n, hang on." he knelt down in-front of you, and began tying your shoelaces with his slender fingers. "i could’ve done it myself but thank you niki" he looked up at you, smiling and nodding. you ruffled his hair and he shot up. "hey!! i spent a while trying to make my hair look good.." you laughed at him, continuing to look for other things to do. one of those water gun games caught your eye. "niki look! we used to always try and win plushies on that." his head swung toward you, immediately challenging you to see who could score higher. you both were trying your hardest, and you obviously won. he sighed in defeat. the employee handed you this adorable hamster plushie. you looked at it, smiling. "niki you kinda look like a hamster when you’re sulking." you put the hamster up to his face to compare, jokingly. "tch, yeah yeah whatever y/n" he said. "niki, you should have it. it looks like you anyways, and you’ll be reminded of me everytime you look at it." you shot him a joking wink. he took the plushie as you said he should. some time passes by, and you guys already ate and drank stuff, went on the carrousel and all of the basics and its been a few hours. the sun was starting to set, and the lights of the park continued to get brighter. "niki. we need to go on a big ride." niki looked at you for a split second, as if you just told him his pet died. "um absolutely not?" he answered. "niki pleaaaaaase" you clung onto his arm, pretty close to his face. "cmonnn just this once?" you blinked at him. he was looking directly at you, but no words were escaping his mouth. "f-fine.." he looked away, with a tinge of pink covering his ears. you were unable to tell if he was blushing or if he was cold. "i never thought you’d actually agree. this is like the best day ever?!" you grabbed nikis arm, and rushed into the line of one of the relatively larger rides, but not too large so niki wouldn’t be too terrified. after a bit you guys got seated beside eachother, and the employee pulled the over the shoulder restraint on you guys. you could tell niki was obviously nervous. "y/n i cant believe you made me do this. i actually despise you right now." "im sorry!!! only this once okay, i’ve always wanted to go on one with yo-" your sentence was cut short as the ride began, making a loud noise. "y/n i cant believe this." niki panicked. you giggled slightly as the ride made its way up to the highest point. you put your hand out for niki to hold, and he grabbed it immediately. after a few more seconds of comforting him the ride reached its highest point. after the it holding for a few seconds, it let go and your free hand went up. niki squeezed tighter and screamed loud. "Y/N L/N I DONT KNOW WHY I AGREED TO THIS" "I DONT KNOW EITHER" you yelled back. after around a minute, the ride came to its final stop.

you got off smiling and happy, whereas niki came off completely disheveled. it was a funny scene, you looked like a joyful golden retriever puppy and he looked like a grumpy black cat. you looked back at him and noticed his messy appearance. "sooo, how was it." you asked curiously, fixing his jacket along with his scarf. "never again." his eyes met your face. "it couldnt have been that bad." you reached your arms up, fixing his fluffy hair. you smiled at him whilst he stared into your face, unable to think of anything besides you.

it turned late, and it was 10 minutes left on the clock before the beautiful fireworks started. you guys found a decent place to stand, and you were both snacking on a pretzel. you witnessed multiple couples walking by, and thinking about how you wouldn’t be so opposed to being in a relationship. "gosh, theres so many couples here today." "theres couples here constantly." he added. "okay, but still. they’re all so lovey-dovey." "i guess so." you guys continued talking and the fire work show started, beginning with a few small ones. you both looked up in sync, mesmerized by the bright colours. twinkling eyes, niki looked over at you. it took him a while to take it in, but at this very moment his feelings truly solidified and he wasn’t so unsure anymore. it was forever since you spent a day together at your favourite childhood place, and now its the place where he recognizes how much he likes you. "y/n?" he says your name. "mhm.. whats up..?" you say slowly, completely and utterly enthralled by the fireworks growing in size. "i-i.." he trailed off, still facing the fireworks but his head facing you. "i think i like you." a huge firework exploded. "no, i do like you." it took you a moment to process. you turned towards him in shock. "i hope this doesn’t ruin anything, i cherish our friendship and i don’t ever want to lose yo-" you cut him off, grabbing his face. "you could never lose me. i like you too, dummy." you gave him a quick peck as another firework exploded. it felt like there were mini fireworks exploding in both of your hearts.

[kuni-is-daddy]

Being scared of scara but also passionate about him is so >>>

Hes putting you in ur place putting fear and pleasure into ur body and mind

IM SO GRRR <333

SHOUKI NO KAMI/WANDERER X LESSOR LORD READER.

FLUFF X SMUT(face sittingg, god complexx) word count 1.2k

I love how the sumeru archon is so passionate about their people even after everything that happened. scaramouche has his reasons but the way he was so dismissive of that ideal just gave me BUTTERFLYS. I'm glad you liked it. 10+ notes on that is crazyy :) Now scaramouche wants REDEMPTION. hes so sorry for what happened :(.

Part 1 scara fics lessor lord masterlist

MINORS DO. NOT. INTERACT.❌❌❌

Its been one week since your encounter with shouki no kami. But you couldnt seem to remember anything. You woke up the next day and your body was in great pain from your back down. Along with your missing celestial weapon. The sun set as you sat at your booth you visit everyday to talk with your people in a less 'formal way.' The idea: talk to your god directly about questions you'd have regarding dreams. It took a while for citizens to adjust to talking to a great being as you but in the end everyone enjoyed it.

"Lessor lord y/n? is everything okay?" the woman asked. "H-huh? y-yeah im fine, sorry. Just thinking about things. May your dreams be blessed and my words guide you to everlasting peace." You shook the woman's hand and took a deep sigh while resting your head on the table as she walked away. 'Joururi workshop? I never heard of that place before..and their turning it into a underground research facility for scholars? No wonder their hasnt been many people here today.' As you daydreamed only 1 person remained in line, A short looking 'little boy' with a large hat, anemo vision and lengthy box in his hand. He looked down at you. His beautiful blue crystal eyes and black eyeliner put you in a trance as you looked up upon him. You cleared your throat and offered him a walk through the city, as he intrigued you.

The two of you walked through the city and stopped at your home town, the moon rose deep in the night sky. On the way, He told you He went by "The wanderer" a vagrant from inazuma. He didnt have a legitimate home and would travel across teyvat taking in the joke of a world he's in. 'joke of a world' It was amusing to you how he bluntly disrespected the divine as if he wasn't Infront of an archon. You walked closer to him and interlocked arms halfway to your home. He noticed and stopped walking. "A-are you okay wanderer?" He snapped out of his daze. "Yeah. Good." You smiled again, "Im glad you are, wanderer. I hope sumeru can maybe be your real home soon and I'll make sure everyone treats you welcomely :)" You gave him a bright smile while blushing and had a revelation. "O-oh thats right im sorry. I hope you dont mind coming over for tea.." "Oh hah hah its no problem. Of course, I'd love to come over." His smile sent butterflies into your stomach as you turned to unlock the door. However, he stared at you. Observing. Thinking. Looking at your presence. Innocent and pure. Not knowing who your falling for was the same ex-god who corrupted you and fucked you until you passed out from his big cock.

Your home was well kept with a divine smell of flowers. There we're many pictures of you with citizens during grand openings of shops and schools. A particular picture crossed his eye as he drunk his bitter black tea. A picture of you in inazuma, shaking hands with his creator. The almighty raiden shogun, god of thunder. Formally known as the electro archon. "Oh heh heh. I see you noticed that picture. Your from inazuma right? Your archon is a very nice person even though she comes off pretty intimidating." He stared at you blankly. "Is that right... " Wanderer put his bitter black tea on the counter. "Yeah! your eyes actually remind me of her's..but.. Your beautiful." you said while blushing. "Oh really? Your calling my ma- My archon ugly?" He smirked "S-Sorry! This got way off track...N-no im not.. Your just.. Really..handsome. She's..pretty but I like how you talk like you dont give a fuck. Sometimes...I miss how people would talk straight up like you." You said as you put your tea down.

"Well isnt that ironic for the 'god of wisdom' to say." Wanderer moved closer to you. Cupping your cheeks with his hand. "I morally...Tell it like it is..If someone cant handle it..Maybe thats their problem." Your body felt shaken up from his presence..."Do you truly not remember me? "You seem a little out of it 'god of wisdom' Whats wrong?" he smiled. "Let me help you remember...love." You closed your eyes as he pulled you into a sloppy kiss. 'i..Dont.. Remember him?' as you opened your eyes to see his looking back at you. It hit. Something about the way he said 'god of wisdom' made you shake. "K-Kuni..?" The way you said his name made your lips quiver. But made his cock hard. "Ah.. so you do remember now.. Dont worry. Things changed." "Wh-whats changed? wait did you..did you erase yourself from irminsul?!" you pushed him away with a panicked expression. "Ding ding ding! You got it, irminsul responded to my wish, but it didnt give me the outcome i desired..So.. Im starting over." he sighed. "W-what did you desire Kunikuzushi?"

You.

SMUT.

"M-me..? W-wait. Kuni, this is wrong. Dont say that again- After what you did.." you we're against the door to your room. "Shh shh.. Its okay y/n.. We're starting over remember. It'll feel good kay?" He tried to comfort you while opening the door to your room. You laid down on the bed as he was ontop of you. "You said you liked my eyes huh? How they glow... and that im 'pretty' we're you lying about that baby? or do you really love me." Your body tensed up and you started breathing heavily as he trailed kisses on your neck. "course' not..I didnt lie. Even back then i-..Care about you." It felt like slime to say those words. caring about a man who disregarded you and made you feel like dirt. "You're burning up y/n.. Relax.. okay.." He whispered.

"Want me to treat you like the god you are, love? Is that what you want. I'll make it up to you." His hands began to trail down onto your neck. "Ohh fuck i missed your body.. You like it when i hold your neck baby?" His fingers pressed against your pulse point. "shit..your heart is beating so fucking fast f' me." you scoffed "tsk are you a doctor now..?" Kuni laughed at your remark. His hands now trail down to your thighs. On instinct they press together as his hands are inbetween them. "mmm your sensitive y/n." As he explored your body you kept thinking 'this isnt right. i should tell him to stop. i- "Ah~ K-kuni. what are you doing?!" you couldnt see as his head was between your legs. "Mmm im tasting you y/n..Fuck you taste good. Shoulda' did this last time" He motioned for you to sit on his face and you hesitantly switched positions. He layed against the pillow while taking his shirt off. "Now its your turn y/n" You stared at his lean form. His body looked so well built. "Y/n.. you just gonna stare like a loser? hmm... or do you like what you see babe?" he patted again for you to sit on his face and you did. slowly lowering yourself "Dont worry itll feel g-" You slowly moved back and forth as his tongue found his way into your entrance "K-Kuni~ Your tongue it feels so good~" "mphmm baby.. You like that..?" "Y-Yes kuni." You looked down to see his eyes slowly rolling back "C-cUhm on m~ face~ y/n" '??' You couldnt make out what he was saying as you we're so drunk in the pleasure coming from his tongue. You roughly grabbed his hair and began to ride his face "M-mPH S-SHIT Y/N-" Your back arched and smothered his face with your drolling hole. You chased your own high as kuni gripped hard on your ass, symbolizing that he couldnt breathe. "Y-yes kuni~ use your tongue for me daddy..Please make me feel good- I wanna cum on your face. please" your thighs began to squish his face as he couldnt breathe. "G-gnna cum kuni~ M' close daddy.. Im so close.. His vision slowly began to turn black until you came on his face. Your warm cum painted his face along with his hair looking completely messy. In shock, you got off of Kuni as he coughed, panted and breathed hard. "Oh no- K-Kuni are you okay? Im so sorry i shouldnt ha-" you looked at his body to realize the wet tent in his pants.

"f-Fuck y/n.. Sit on my face again."

A/N: TRIED TO MAKE THIS GENDER NEUTRAL AS POSSIBLE :((

[nattyluvs]

PINK ROSES - chapter 18

"hey, look they have a photo of chris up there" yeji said to jeongin, pointing to the framed photo on the wall. yn turned to them, slapping yeji's hand.

"hey, stop holding hands if ur gonna walk next to me, i look like a loner." yn commented.

"listen, if u grow a pair and make a move on little lixie back there, u might be able to lock fingers with him" yeji scoffed, nudging her head in the direction of felix behind them.

"but-"

"no buts! just go talk to him..hes probably waiting for you"

"yeah no buts" jeongin spoke in a mocking tone

"whatever! ill be right back then..." yn mentioned, slowing down her walking speed to catch up with felix and jisung behind her.

minho, jisung, and felix were all walking together, felix seemingly not interested in whatever bickering argument they were having. yn gave felix a little wave while walking towards him, felix returning the favor.

"hey, i thought id walk with you since you dont seem interested in whatever they're talking about"

"trust me, im not. they argue everyday and then somehow make up? im not sure how they function doing anything together," he pointed out

they walked next to eachother for a bit, in comfortable silence. looking at the several concession, merch, and other items' stands. they walked like this for a bit until the silence was interrupted.

"you know, i want to try dancing one day, just as a hobby"

"why the sudden interest?" felix asked

"cause, ive seen how passionate hyunjin seems to be about it, same with you. you both seem to have this aspiration to keep doing it, im interested."

"especially hyunjin, i mean, he has danced since he was like in primary school competitively for 5 years."

"why did he stop competing?"

"well i remember he was around 15, he stopped competing because he didnt like the atmosphere of dance competitions. he just felt that going up against other people wasnt his thing." yn explained, voice shaken for a split second due to felix's hand brushing against hers for a moment.

"hmm, that makes sense. personally i think dancing isnt the kind of sport that should be competed, but judt enjoying the art of it."

"yeah, i get where ur coming from." yn answered, "hey im about to tell u something but you cannot tell hyunjin i told you, got it?"

felix nodded, "okay so basically the year felix stopped competing for dance, my soccer coach scouted him for that season and we were on the same team for awhile." yn recalled.

"why the hell would he not want people to know about that? thats kinda silly to be embarassed about"

"cause he's embarrassed about it, and he quit halfway through the season at the same time i did, and continued with dancing."

"im missing something here," felix spoke, their hands brushing once again.

"if u dont mind me asking, why did you quit? there had to be a reason right?" he questioned

"well first of all i was on a competitive team, i had worked really hard to get there then i got injured halfway through the season." she muttered

"if you dont want to talk about it we dont have to, you know. this seems like a sensitive topic for you"

"no its fine, its just i loved doing it so much, and one thing just tore it all apart, i cried alot about it. i still do sometimes"

"the really only way i can get involved now is coaching, and i dont know if i-" her voice starting to stutter, feeling the tears well up.

"hey, we dont have to talk about it anymore, i dont wanna see u crying." he pulled her into a hug, rubbing circles on her back for a moment.

"hey! you two can stop being lovey over there, we found the elevator!" they heard jisung shout.

felix rolled his eyes before letting go, handing her a cloth to wipe the tears threatening to fall down her face

"you know, you and hyunjin act like you hate eachother, but when u both are seriously talking about one another, u both sound very fond."

"shut up, i hate him, hes annoying" yn lightly punched him on the arm, while he pretends thats the hardest anyone has ever hit him.

"why do you keep touching my hand with yours, do you want to hold it or something?" yn asked

"and if i do?"

"i wont object" they successfully locked fingers with eachother while waiting for the elevator.

"your hands are really small you know" she mentioned

felix whined a bit, too embarrassed to say anything.

they walked into the elevator along with everyone else, going down a few floors until reaching the right one. they walked over to their seats while felix and yn unfortunately had to break their handholding.

"we have to put our bags in the locker room, but we'll be right back okay? dont jump onto the court while we're gone" minhos voice was heard from behind her

----

they sat there for around an hour, chatting about who-knows what. after first quarter, the group left to prepare for their performance. this left yn and yeji to sit by themselves

"sooo i saw u making moves back there huh!" she teased, nudging her arm.

"stop! it's embarrassing ill tell you about it later."

"hey whatsup!" they heard a familiar, annoying voice coming from up the stairs.

yn and yeji both turned their heads to see beomgyu, eyes and mouth wide open in suprise, not expecting to see him there.

"why are you even get here? where are your parents..." yeji asked, jokingly annoyed

"i literally have a liscense, and im on a date for your information!"

they both gasped, yn proceeding to speak "wait are you with..."

"if youre thinking what im thinking then yes" beomgyu gave them a cheesy grin

"then what the hell are you doing down here? go back to your date, dont leave him hanging you know" yeji scolded

they exchanged some more small conversation before beomgyu left and it was just the two of them.

--

after around an hour had passed it was finally halftime, they both waited in their seats impatiently for the announcer to call them out

the performance started shortly, taking turns on the big screen up above. they performed to 3 songs, stage outfits matching each of them perfectly.

as soon as it was over, yna nd yeji rushed over to the break room from their seats. they stopped to buy some flowers along the way.

once arrived in the break room, they parted ways while yn went to search for felix, finally spotting him at the back of the room, minifan blowing at his face.

"hey you did really good, you know? im glad you got over your nerve, that performance was fire"

"im glad you liked it becuse im sooo tired" he slurred, forcing her to return his hug.

they pulled away from their hug as she started to whisper in his ear, "hey dont tell hyunjin but, i was really only here to see you"

yn giggled to herself before happily walking out the room, leaving felix baffled at the confession she just dropped

"what the f-"

"felix, man!" a sudden sighting of jisung came up, "whats going on! why. are. you. still. in here. lets go? we have a reservation to catch.." jisung dragged felix and his bag out of the room

previous masterlist next

a/n: i am so wmbarssed actuslly at this, unfortunately there probably isnt gonna be any more than like 10 chapters after this one..im so sad i dont want it to be over

taglist open (send a note or click here to be added)

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[444princesa]

how to find your style

i think its a bit easier than you think to find your style. when i was finding mine, i thought it was hard and i made alot of mistakes that costed me alot of money but years of feeling uncomfortable in my outfits. so lets start.

do not follow the trends

there is so many trends now a days and it comes and goes in a few days or weeks. when you dont know your style, its easy to mix up your style and what fashion trend thats in. i think pinterest is good to look for things but to a certain extent. there’s a difference between trends/ fashion you like and what you like on you but it’s easy to mix that up when you’re just figuring it out.

know what you are comfortable in and what flatters you

for example, i feel kind of uncomfortable in v necks, turtle necks and low rise jeans, certain cuts and silhouettes doesnt flatter my figure, i know certain colors make me look paler and some wash me out. it takes a bit of research to know this and sometimes you just know. i never liked v neck even when i was a child but i forced myself to wear it as a teen because people said it flattered my chest and every girl wore it. i cant lie it was cute but it made me insecure and i did research on other alternatives. square neck cuts still flatters my chest but i feel comfortable in it. understand your figure and research what type of silhouettes compliment it. pay attention to certain colors that wash you out and wears you instead of you wearing it.

figure out who you tend to look at for fashion inspiration

for me, my mother is my fashion icon. she was in her 20s when she had me and i saw her dress in 2000s fashion and early 2010s fashion. i wanted to dress just like her and i love that kind of fashion. 2000s fashion have a few subcategories but its the 2000s latina fashion so big hoops, lip gloss, cheetah, tight jeans, low cut tops, you get the look. look for someone you look up to for fashion, it doesnt have to be family obvi or anyone actually, you can look for a specific style or many styles.

i made two pinterest boards, one i got inspo from and i had a few folders.

everyday inspo

at home inspo

dressy inspo

another board that were my closet basics and i also had folders for

winter and summer tops

winter and summer bottoms

outerwear

shoes

accessories

this helped me when buying my clothes and if i get stuck on what i wanted to wear.

dont box yourself

i have so many styles i love and wear and thats fine. i dont label myself in just one category. i will dress in y2k fashion and the next like a grandma. its okay to have different style sense and its so much fun to play with styles.

start with the basics

i think this is a broad statement to start with basics because maybe my style basics is jeans and tees, while yours is skirts and tube tops. this is why you have to learn what you like and find what basics would go with that. basics are items that can be versatile in many outfits. for example, i started with basic color tops, jeans, basic dresses. these were items that i could make an outfit and be comfortable in and then i invested in more 'staple' pieces to make it my style.

dont worry about others

some styles are a bit more out there than others and if you like a style you know draws attention, dont be afraid to wear. if it makes you comfortable, confident and happy with yourself then dont pay attention to the chitter chatter. its easy to say than do and its a work in progress but live for you not the acceptance of others.

this series helped me especially when i wasnt too sure what my figure was. her channel is great as well.

[chicspo]

this may be very long but i want to explain in depth so u can understand my situation better so im sorry but here goes,

ill give u some info about myself first: im 18 i go to university and i spend most of my time there, i live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. im not a touchy person, especially if im tired and spent my entire day studying. i care so much about certain people but im not good at showing it, and i dont exactly intend on changing this. i show my sister and my parents a lot of love and they know i love them but i can do this bc theyre family and i knoe our bonds are unbreakable no matter what.

ok so heres the situation, i want to be alone. i want to live on my own and im comfortable with not having many friends (i have some really good friends that moved for uni and i text them kinda often and i know our bonds are unbreakable) but im fine with not making more friends if its uncomfortable or whatever. but recently i think my boyfriend has noticed im distancing myself from him, unintentionally, but i care a lot about how i do in university so im dedicating myself to it. i dont ever initiate anything with him (sexually or just touchy in general) but i never really have to be honest. yes at the beginning of our relationship i was younger and more carefree and our relationship was fun to me so i was more touchy but never very touchy.

he told me how he feels like i dont love him bc i never try to start anything with him and im always at school and i was kind of cold to be honest i told him i love him bc i dont want to break his heart and it is true, i do love him and i care so much about him but i dont want to be either him anymore. its just so hard bc we live together and we have cats together and gis family loves me i’ve visited them in florida (i live in canada) twice and we’re planning on visiting them again for Christmas. i dont know what he would do if we broke up. he would br incredibly hesrt broken and im genuinely worried he would k1ll himself bc his step dad is abusive and both his parents drink all the time and dont rlly care about him, he doesnt have many friends, just one that is always at work so he never sees him, and he has an online job so he never goes out. he does a lot for me tho. he cleans the apartment A LOT whenever im gone (im a clean freak) and he tells me im the most beautiful girl in the world, he touches me and hugs me and kisses me, tells me he missed me so much, tells me im his world and that he wants to look after me when we’re old, that he wants to have a daughter with me, he buys the groceries, cat stuff, hr buys me little random things he thinks ill like. he’s honestly a really amazing boyfriend. but i dont want a boyfriend. i cant tell him that tho. i want to talk to my mom about this and ask her advice but she thinks hes a low life bc he has an online job and doesnt go out, he has chronic back pain and has to take medication and he smokes weed everyday. she knows he takes really good care of me tho.

my sisters planning on moving in with us when shes done highschool (this school year) and i want to just live with her. i dont know what to do bc we have such a concrete relationship thats more serious than anything and we care about eachother so much. he loves out apartment, its the first place hes lived without an abusive family and hes so happy. im in such a bad situation in my head rn.

i understand ur concern but u always have to put urself first. and i think with having to asking me or ur mom or anyone else all ur looking for is for someone to validate ur feelings. u dont need anyones approval for this. u dont want to be with him then dont be. ur not his mom. the most u can do for him is have a talk with him, when u tell him ur decision, and try to orient him in life the best u can. however thats none of ur responsibility. if u fear he has no other relationships other than the one u two have u can tell him that. if u believe he should get a different job tell him. his life seems pretty bleak and lonely, and he copes by focusing on you. that isnt healthy. he should also look out for himself first and he should have bigger goals in life. a future with you or any other woman isnt a goal or achievement. all he does by telling u he wants to take care of u when u get old or have kids together is mentally trap u so you wont leave him. he cant be that weak. he needs to learn to be independent. and u already seem more than capable and independent, so if u want to live alone or with ur sister u should do so. its great that ur so focused on ur school. its ur life u should do with it what u want

[fadeintoyou1993]

For this ask -

HOPE ANDREA MIKAELSON AND ELIZABETH JENNA SALTZMAN!!! The only characters to have ever character’d EVER

already did lizzie so hope <3

favorite thing about them: how much of a deeply pathetic loser she actually is like its literally so funny when people write her as someone whos like badass or like doesnt go to therapy because like that is literally not her she goes in canon to therapy every week or so or well she did in s01 but anyways lets not get into THAT lmfaooo but umm yeah so she goes to therapy weekly and she has like plants that she tries really hard to take care of and she bakes like every other day and she like watches.. wait ill conitnue this in the headcanon part so sorry

least favorite thing about them: literally nothing shes the most perfect girl thats ever existed:)

favorite line: when she said Who cares what lizzie saltzman thinks :( because like shes who :(

brOTP: hope and kaleb forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and everrrrrr :) also her and jed :) she would never fvuckinv talk to penelope park STOP trying it. and handon when not romantically. omg also halyssa altho i also ship them romantically :)

OTP: hizzie :) and handon because hope has two hands like landon said :)

nOTP: hosie literally the most disgusting fucking rotted bitch ive ever laid my eyes upon. stupid ship stupid fandom terrible fuckin vibes just rotted disgusted and gutted. i wisgh hope mikaelson had killed that girl so bad my god... hope literally gave josie the only thing that could kill her bc her ass KNOWS she not gonna see that bitch again so shes fine PLUS if she does see her she dies immediately after:)

random headcanon: ok so back to what i was saying before!!! hope like watches the randomest fucking cooking shows there are like she knows all of them and she can rank them by season and she knows so much fucking random shit and random information about the most random things and she like goes to the gym everyday and she like lowkey uses Pinterest and pins a bunch of random workout routines and art tutorials and shit like that like god shes so annoying i love her so much :)oh and shes so autistic actually

unpopular opinion: um i have so many :) i think she actually is a bottom sorry :) i dont think she can flirt either she just says things wholeheartedly because she is an autistic individual and people think shes flirting but shes just like that. she thinks shes really cool doing those one liners and stuff shes like im a hero and so i have to do my one liners :) and thats why landon and lizzie are obsessed w her because shes just like that.

song i associate with them: do you realize?? by the flaming lips

favorite picture of them: this one that she drew:)

send me a character and i'll tell you....

[elite-kawaii]

An interesting fact . . .

. . . about some gamers is: If they have to spend days doing a single thing on a game in order to finish it, eventually they will loose all interest in the game completely, basically it becomes boring and they wont want to play or bother with it any.

Im never going to get passed the stupid King Koco Trial in Sonic Frontiers! Was playing it almost everyday. Then I got to that freaking trial! Over and over and over just battling the same three bosses! Over and over and over looking up tips to beat them! Over and over and over hours and hours and hours a day just running out of rings and failing the trail! No matter what I tried, what tricks I used, my only reward getting told that I was a failure over and over and over! Yeah thats real fun Sega, I love getting told I still suck at playing my fave game franchise! Thanks for that!

Heck I even tried looking up ways to cheat at the stupid game! Which is something I never do! I got nothing! It got boring after a while and slowly I just stopped trying! Im just "not allowed" to see what the fuss was about that blue eyed Super Form or that one weird still shot I kept seeing of Sonic seemingly covered in digital corruption with his eyes looking weird and actually showing his fangs!

"Oh just look it up on YouTube then!" Google took control of my laptop and made it so I cant, so I cant even look the stupid game up there a watch it! I don't know why every single game has to be super Dark Souls hard nowadays and I have had it set to easy for most weeks now! I cant even get the island map fully opened in the last update. Maybe opening it up fully before starting the update would have helped with that, but knowing games now probably not.

Oh and I just love how they reset Sonic so he all the way back to level 1 again for this trail! Yeah because that really helps! I just love how they made all the leveling I did just a waste of time from my point of view! You know other games level the baddies with the player char, why couldn't that have been a thing here?! Oh wait the people who wanted a hard game wouldn't have liked that? Then they can either set it on hard mode or go find another freaking game then! You don't need to make a perfectly fine game super hard just because some players found it to easy or just add harder modes to it! There you go difficulty curve problem solved!

If theres any easy to do glitches that would help lay them on me I dont really care about playing the game fairly anymore, just finding out what happens would be nice, but if none come oh well. Though I know I just ranted about it, I don't much care about the game anymore, just saying I wouldn't mind finding out what happened though.

[dr34myluv]

TW vent

before you start reading i dont wanna hear pity if u even decide to read, i just need to blow off steam.

sometimes i feel like a butterfly, so fragile my wings can break, but instead of wings i have a heart and a brain, and i cant stop crying, i mean last year was way worse yk? life felt like it was ending i resorted to sh, im better now right? im clean, i have an amazing bf, i basically get everything i could ever ask for, so whats wrong?

i dont know what's exactly wrong with me, i feel fat, i hate the way i look, but that's how most teenage girls feel huh? its normal. just like its normal for a father to walk out, destroy his child's life with just a few words. bc that's normal and nothing is gonna change a man's mind.

"normal" im your normal girl, everyone is normal, right?

i grew up in a household where i wasn't considered normal, i was treated like i was sick, and wrong, by my father, if u dont agree with him then ur the wrong one not him, ur opinions don't matter to him. he still thinks that way, which is fine yk? being gay? pffft thats horrid, like "boyish" things (which really aren't i wanst even a tomboy growing up but wtv) guess what, THATS WRONG.

its not really like that has affected me much, just my parents arguing, and my mom commenting on my body.

my parents fought so much it was overwhelming, it was never ending, my dad would threaten to kill himself and storm out of the house, id be screaming and crying begging him not to do anything, i guess as a child that really does affect someone, he left so much like that it created worry, he was my hero, he IS my hero, as much as i hate to admit it, i love him more than i should.

due to my father, i think thats the reason im so attached to this boy (my bf) ik that sounds stupid but i have a reason for this.

lets call him N, and N was someone i met in school, he is the total opposite of me, has a tendency of being an asshole to people, so why might i like this guy? well he gave me the right amount of attention at the wrong time.

school was hard 2 years ago, id cry almost everyday, and ig i was an acquaintance with him, one day he noticed me crying, during break, i was alone, he came up to me, and hugged me, it wasn't expected but it was definitely needed, he didn't say anything, he didn't ask anything, he just hugged me, let me cry in his arms, i guess we slowly became friends after that. at the time i liked him a bit, didnt care that much atleast i thought.

i had no way of contact to him, it was just school, and during the summer i still liked him, it was a new year of school, and i didn't see him, i thought hey maybe he's around here somewhere doing who knows what, i asked some friends if they've seen him, they said no. and at one point i asked one of his friends, and he moved, she said, and i felt my heart sink down to my feet, i could feel like eyes water, i couldn't control it. and ik it's stupid, but he promised me he would never leave me without saying goodbye (in a friendly way)

i dont want to explain more. But to whomever decided to read, im sorry for not finishing it.

[miutonium]

Nobody asked but this is a weekly post of me telling people that yes I am alive but barely! School kicked my ass and they got me while I was down (like I am legit depressed lol) but I am doing way better than I was before. Maybe because of the amount of work I have rn distracts me from ever sitting down and be in my thoughts. Right now I'm trying to get back to my commission and make it my personal goal to at least finish one this week and another next week, hopefully I get it all done by June. I wish by that time I am 50% over with my final project for the semester.

Anyway how you guys doing? I kinda miss talking to people here 🤧 I don't really talk to people these days here due to me being busy and also being depressed. I don't check my feed and just come to post. I miss a lot of things. I miss talking about my selfship freely and just gush about my f/os but these days I just couldn't find time to do so and it kinda sucks since thats one of my coping mechanism and not bring able to do so nor bring myself to write about it makes me sad like I suppose to do that and I couldn't? My brain must be fucked up from a lot of things. I just wish things were back to the way it was but now that I kinda lose everything, maybe it's gonna take me a while to heal zzzzz

Here's the less fun part about my situation so uh skip if you dont want to deal with me being womp womp

I tryna get back on my feet but lol just caught myself crying today because I just feel so so lonely. I lost my support system for months now and it really sucks. It feels so much worst than a break up like I literally have no place to talk about anything. I wish I knew earlier about not relying on one person for everything because I literally feel so lost right now and I just still couldn't believe I have to navigate everything by my own. I have no one to talk to about my life, no one to listen to the dumb shit I have to deal at school and I feel like I just lost myself completely. I don't reply to people messages, i dont enjoy things that I used to like and right now I just feel like I am going on autopilot. I just feel so numb. Maybe it's my fault that I lean too much on people and rely on others so heavily to cope so right now I am trying to muster myself to be completely by myself and living on my own terms even though I know I am struggling with it right now. I'm just so glad at least I have my cat, I love him so much and I think about him everyday at school and get so excited when I see that stinker at my door. I just don't want to get hurt no more. So please be patience with me as I try to navigate with my life right now.

Thank you for going through the least fun part of my story. I hope everyone is doing fine while I was busy 💕

[ventcode]

psych ward journal

Day 1

I miss Paula I cry my tears for you I forgive you I always will I’ll do anything to talk to you my love I miss you, Dearie I love you.

Day 2

I miss Paula again It’s 6:30 AM, I miss Paula I love them so much I’ll find a way to speak to you again In this hell where they took me away from you

Paula, I’ll hold you close and never leave again.

---

I need to ask dad to bring my Pokemon manga today, passing the time is so boring.

Day 3

I have a new roommate! Their name is Ariel. They are really nice and we get along well. :)

I still miss Paula, I’ll see them again one day.

Dad came again, hes coming every day.

Day 4

Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula.

I miss him so much, my motivation, my everything, I need to get out of here.

They took me away from Paula, thats unforgivable

We will reunite.

---

Milo and Alper are trustworthy, I like them

My roommate scares me, I cant do this again

Deceive.

Day 5

get me out please. I have no reason to be here to you guys. I’ve been good, I’ve lied perfectly, but why can’t I leave? I’m perfect, so they trap me here longer? Let me out. Paula misses me, let me out of here, I’ll do anything just to leave tomorrow, I’m doing great in your eyes, I’m ready to leave so let me out. I’ll never do anything bad again, I promise.

I miss Paula

They took me away from Paula

We will reunite. I promise My love, just like I said to you

what they did is unforgivable, to take me away from my Darling like this, no access to you.

I love you, and thats why i’m getting out of here.

I PROMISE (promise is circled repeatedly)

---

I wanna talk to Milo and Alper, I’m bored and I like them, I’m still terrified and wanna go home, I don’t wanna be kept here longer, If I am, I’d rather be roommates with one of them, but I cant ask for that, but I hate it in here, and I’m uncomfortable with my roommate again because of what happened, so, maybe.

I’ll ask right now.

---

New roommate, Sherlyn, shes nice to me, everyone else knows what Ariel did now, but they don’t suspect I told on them, let’s hope they don’t find out.

I took an autism test also, I’ll tell dad about it when he gets here tonight, maybe I’ll tell him the roommate situation as well.

---

DONT EXPRESS SADNESS BECAUSE HES NOT COMING TONIGHT. HE SEES YOU EVERYDAY. YOULL BE FINE.

STOP CRYING!!!

Day 6

Somethings bothering me, I don’t know, I started reading a book today, that’s how bored and bothered I am. I like it though, the book.

My thoughts are finally getting to me again, what if everyone hates me or just pities me and pretends to be my friend? they wont care once I leave. I shouldnt care so much, I expected to be alone here anyway, I’m supposed to get out of here and talk to Paula again, to reunite!! I wasn’t supposed to trust people here, and now I do, and that scares me, what if im just pitied, annoying, too talkative yet so quiet, I cant do anything right. I see scars on myself I was too afraid to inflict apon myself, a person barely holding onto himself, but just lie.

Lie until you’re free from these invisible chains.

Milo - Trust Alper - Trust Sherlyn - Trust Ariel - stay away from Jada - acquaintance, nice Evelyn - friend Nico - acquaintance, afraid of Ava - friend

Maybe I should just talk less, just shut up, I was so good at it, why can’t I now?

Day 7

Something is wrong. I don’t know what, but the urge to hurt and isolate myself is becoming more and more, like I always cause a problem and I’m wasting space, everyone would enjoy themselves if I wasnt there. with my annoying voice and presence 

Scars im too afraid to put

A person barely holding onto himself

A scared girl who needs to see Paula.

I miss you.

---

Nighttime, I’m bored. Mom came today, so did dad, and grandma a small visit.

Hopefully I’m out Tuesday or Wednesday, or even Monday if I’m lucky. Lonely Sunday.

I’mm miss my friends here, but that’s okay.

Tomorrow will be better :).

I even fixed Paulas bracelet, I made it for them and one day he’ll recieve it

I love you Paula.

Day 8

they love me so much they simply wont let me leave huh. I want to talk to Paula again SO BADLY and cant. I need to leave. I’m “NOT STABLE ENOUGH TO GO HOME” shut up. Let me see Paula again. All I want is Paula. I can’t take another week here.

I want my favorite person

My Paula

I love you, I’m leaving cause of you.

Day 12

I don’t want to leave Milo, Alper already left and now Milo? I leave Monday, day 15.

It will only be a month right?

I’ll spend this weekend with him in full.

Everyone I end up close to gets taken at some point, but why now?

Day 13

Circle, scared. I dont know anymore, I want to leave so why am I afraid to leave? I have no idea. I feel as if something will be left behind when I leave, I don’t exactly know whats bothering me. Everyone seems to be managing but everything around me feels isolated. It sucks. I’m waiting for something to happen. this reality sucks.

---

Uncomfortable, a word I wouldn’t quite use, empty emotion, nothing too genuine, just smile and be nice until its too much and you start to cry, wait it out until you can fake it again, everything extreme or nothing at all. I need to leave this place, I cant wait for Monday, but I feel as if I will be leaving something behind, something important, but I don’t know what, and that confuses and scares me. I am unsure, I know I can be annoying, loud, clingy, but something in me doesn’t understand how this all happened. Atleast here, I didn’t expect to make friends or to trust.

to trust you grow attachment

attachment leads to discomfort

discomfort leads to something im not sure I like.

How do I stop the inevitable

I’m scared already because of trust and attachment

I hate myself.

---

I am too much, I understood that in the first place but the more I feel annoying the more it eats at me, the way I dont understand if someone’s joking or being serious, I don’t understand a thing when I should

It all bothers me when I should just be quiet.

Day 14

Bored, uncomfortable, left out and I feel quite weird, I cant wait for my freedom tomorrow.

Day 15

and now I go home.

[the-caramel-poet]

i love it when she smiles, when her eyes crease and disappears

i feel a tingle in my brain, a rush of dopamine release i havent experienced in years

i love it when she smiles, how she scrunches her nose

i say im gonna marry her, i think of ways to propose

i love it when she smiles, i smile thinking about it like a fool

but i slap myself into reality and say man im such a tool

i love her smile so much, i wanna tell her how i feel

but i overthink a little too much so my lips stay sealed

thats how all my stories have been written so far, the way all my love has been spent

oh how ive longed for a lover, how many silent love letters i have sent!

i patiently wait everyday, hoping that maybe this girl who makes me feel like this might be the one

but my heart has grown wiser

go home kid, it says, for there is none.

i sigh, then i cry, then i sigh again

there is just always this constant lingering pain

the pain of realizing that maybe true love is just another fantasy

maybe all that she says and does are kind acts of courtesy

her niceness, her smile when she looks at me, her outgoing personality

i think i often mistake that for my fantasy becoming a reality

i feel too much and think a little more than that

i dont think ill ever get married, ill probably stay home with my cat

i sometimes feel incapable of love, to love or be loved

i either pour all of my love out or keep all of them shelved

ive never known myself to love any other way

i havent seen anyone love any other way

there is too much thinking going on, im thinking all the time

i used to mean it when people asked me how i was and i said im fine

but im going to try hard this time, im going to do this right

i like this girl and im going to put up a fight

i wont rush it, ive learned that the hard way

i dont wanna end up with regret at the end of the day

im going to spend time with her, im going to get to know her little by little

and this time, with myself, im going to be gentle

i did tell myself i wouldn't catch feelings but i ended up catching them anyway

ive been waiting a long time for this, what can i say?

her smile, her eyes and the woman of God she is, you cant blame me

she smirks at me and im already on my knees

i dip my feet, the waters of my feelings feel unsure

i love this girl and the very same i shall procure

but first, i will make sure to pray

on my knees, i will look to the heavens and say

Father God, i hope in pursuit of her i dont lose my focus on You

help me put You first in all that i do

give me Your wisdom to not make her an idol

give me Your grace in this, for it is vital

help my thoughts not get consumed by her

give me your daily bread, and fill my mind with Your Word

give me Your strength to keep her second to You and never first

i love her a lot, Lord, but in You i will put my trust

i will not lean onto my understanding, i put my faith in Yours

in my pursuit of her, in my mind and in my course

my petition is You first and foremost

my God, oh Lord of all hosts!

my mind is weak and my emotions are all over the place

they cause me to fall, like untied shoelaces

help me control my spirit and set my mind right

Yours is the battle, Yours is the fight

i give her and myself into Your hands

if it is Your will, take us both to the wedding stands

This i pray, oh creator of the heaven, earth and the sun!

not my will but Yours be done

nothing more to say, i will put down my pen

In Jesus' name i pray, amen.

[lifeofagirlnameddan]

This Life

2019-2024 Did you ever find yourself trapped in a loop? Perhaps in ways you don't expect. Dan did. She never realized that she was trapped in a loop of love, pain, abandonment and loneliness.

Grade 6:

Was it real friends? I see everyday and find ways to make sure we have something to talk about so they dont find me boring. I fought a lot with others, I liked a boy who always asked me for help and advice when it comes to two things: His homework, and the girls he's pursuing. I got influenced into many things, got into trouble many times. Was I an introvert? A shy girl? I called myself a loser, a geek, whatever (Hah I was a theater kid if you get my reference.) Being that I am, I got exposed online-- in a bad way. I learned things I shouldn't be learning, and I was talking to people online where I shouldn't have been at that age. There was someone I met online, he understood my musical references and without thinking I joked that I've found my "soulmate". Boy was I stupid. While crushing on a classmate, I kept up my chats with this online friend. Oh it was getting bad... Chat me up, all day, all night. It was fun, I was being sneaky. Oh calls and video calls, voice message and more. Then he starts asking for pictures... Pictures Pictures Pictures. Ah so wrong what have I done? Not just that but a friend of mine was a very bad influence, I am not so sure what he was-- A friend? An enemy? I can't tell. I should have stopped myself, but oh how I liked the attention? May 14, 2019

It was class crush's birthday, it's summer and I just woke up. Oh no- mom drags me out my bed, shoves my phone to my face. The fear plastered on my face! She slaps my cheek, throws the phone to the window (I'm shocked it didn't break!) Ah bad bad bad time, she found out about Online boy. It was for the best. We didn't even love each other lol, he just asked for pictures and I...was a desperate child who wanted attention.

New Life: Mom took me out of that school, removed all my socials, and cut me out of society.

Grade 7: Starting my highschool life in homeschool

Ah it was fine, I had my own schedule. I was doing fine, I became a better student. I'm okay with this life... I have no teachers and classmates though, it was just me and the professors in the pre-recorded videos. My desk and my laptop and...Google (ahaha). Oh my, I'm lonely... But oh hey, I learned about Quotev, Ao3, and Wattpad...! Oh no. Here we go? I read, and read and read and read and read and read! This is my life now... I started hoarding books~ With that, I got into role play--(we all go through this dont act like im a weirdo) And I fell in love...with writing. I started working on an idea that based on a What If question I had at one of the sleepovers I had with my cousin (She made me watch animes and we role played together and wrote different short stories)

2020-2021

Grade 8-Grade 9: No friends like Fiction, Am I right?

I forgot how to be human, oh if you all could see... Long hair, glasses, dark clothes, nose stuck in a book, no sleep at all-- From the morning I studied and studied, at night I read til bed. Did I enjoy it? Yes. But at the present now, it is only a feeling. I don't recall what I read, I don't even remember what my brain rots were about! I continued my story ideas, brainstorming with my cousin actively (Oh which reminds me. Since I had no phone nor any socials, I chatted her through emails, hangouts, skype and pinterest--Ikr those were desperate times if I had no phone...) So yeah, we continued that story...Thats one year of working on it and it seemed pretty good. Life was okay like this...

Okay not really, so I mentioned I was into role play and that I would chat my cousin on pinterest. I was finally trusted to have a phone again but no socials still. But since I had pinterest...That meant I found someone to role play with me in that app... Goodness i'm stupid! So sneaky once again, a little bit of role play getting a little twisted and wrong in so many ways. Ah here's the shocker, I was talking to a GIRL! Oh this was the start... Of so many more problems. My mom found out about this one and once again, no phone (wahhh TT) But it was only for about what two? three...no four? I think six months yes. So how did I message my cousin? Well this was the time of the pandemic and jobs were hard to find... My dad took up a delivery job! So I wrote letters to her and had it sent weekly--It was creative and fun to do so. We traded books and wrote updates on our lives. I miss her. Back to topic, I can NOT be trusted with a phone haha. But I was anyway... and oh... no no, Homeschool was fun and all but I'm always alone. My family realized that and forced me to join christmas parties, camps and clubs and gathering... Nothing amusing for me I meet people, I laugh, they think I made a friend...I never speak to them again. Funny right? Anyway I joined an art club from my school which was online, that and a Writers Guild. The art community is in a group chat so guess what... My phone was given back to me, there I met a friend (Lets call him J) He requests collaborations with me and I was always happy to help a fellow artist. Oh yes don't worry, J is a good fellow and is still a very present and active friend to me right now. But there was a time that J invited me to join his discord server (ah yes my cousin introduced me to Discord) So I did join J's server full of other homeschool artists, it seems that it was a DnD role play group and he wanted us artists to play some roles! Oh sure of course, I agreed. I met his friend. (Lets call him Cat) Cat and I did not get along, oh no we started off quite weirdly. But oddly enough that feisty banters we have lead to something... Aha you see where I'm going? Yes Stupid once again was I! We knew each other for what...A year? after that stuff happened and...we got together and lasted...three months.

May 2, 2022

Ah it was a Sunday I'll never forget. I had a meeting with J and Cat online, J had some concerns he wanted to address. Ah...He felt like we shouldn't be together because he fears of the worst outcome for his friends... I didn't listen to him... I didn't...when I should have!!! I was supposed to continue the meeting but then my mom took my phone! (ARGH for the best but I hated it when it was so random and snoopy) She found out about me and Cat... aha again? Okay, again. But it gets worse. Oh it was a fight, she took my phone again and I stayed crying in my room until lunch time. She refused to see me, okay so in a whirl of emotions what did I do...? I was dumb so so dumb. I put on my slippers, grabbed the nearest bag and left. I ran away. (Worst case scenario, this is during Covid. I was in my pajamas, and I was wearing nothing but my bra inside my sweater. Oh and the bag I took? It had no money, nothing inside except... My old Harry Potter figurines! I had my smart watch on but it was dying!) So yes, I ran away. I walked and walked thinking, where should I go? So I walked headed towards a tower from my view, okay I'm almost there, I took an overpass and got lost. Hmmm, I planned to take a bus, oh but I have no money... Two men approached me. Oh shit. Oh they're trying to help me because Idfk where I'm going! They're asking for my destination, I say where, and one of them took their helmet, gave it to me, and gave me a ride on his motorbike. (First time to ride one by the way) I got to where I was headed, he asked me why am I headed there? I need a lie! I said I was going to meet my dad there. So he left me at the place of which I asked. As he left, I planned to cross the road, my next destination? Well my old house (Not exactly but the subdivision there, maybe I can stay at the park?) Oh but I was inexperienced, I was going to cross a main road! Right as I was about to cross a bunch of guards called out to me, told me what I'm doing would get me killed if I took another step. They lead me to an underpass. So I took that. I crossed the underpass and headed towards the place I wanted to go. Still so many problems... It was hot, I was wearing a sweater (again I can't remove it bcs I wasn't wearing a shirt under) and I didn't eat lunch, didn't have any water, and have been wandering aimlessly throughout. I was close now about....another 6-7 kilometers or so... I was stupid to think I'd reach it without passing out. I staggered as I walked, I hit a tree and a long branch fell on my head. I used it as a cane I guess. Then another man showed up, called out to me, I ignored him. He tried to give me money, I felt guilty so I refused. He tried to let me let him help me. (Wow tongue twister-I could word that better) Eventually I realized this man is a grab driver... Okay I took his offer to drive me, he offered to buy me lunch and so I ate a Mcdonalds meal. At first he asked me where I was headed. Panicked and not wanting him to know I said the address of my old school from 6th grade, which was nearby. He took me there and then asked me again. Where am I really supposed to go? Ah shoot he caught me, So I gave in. I told him to take me to a subdivision (my old place), He asked me, Why? I said I'm looking for my dad. And he told me he thought I was a foreigner, and asked for my name, and If I could understand him. Oh he fed my cover, so sure I said I was from another country, I said I was looking for my dad, and that when he asked for my name I panicked again inside my head, I saw a bike pass by with a plate number with the letters "XIAN" and so I told him my name was Xian. He took me to the subdivision, and left me at the park... Ah but he wouldn't leave me alone! He followed me even as I got out the car... goodness! He parked and came out again, he asked if I was okay, and in desperation I was walking in circles around my cousin's house (we were neighbors). So I asked him if I could borrow his phone, and he did, I messaged Cat, said my explanation and my situation, said my goodbyes and asked for one last favor.

[karatekid1]

hi guys it been a while. Well, everything right now feels like its going up and down all the time, like on monday, three days ago, my life felt so good, i was so happy, then everything went downhill again on tuesday. today is thursday and idek how im feeling, i dont got any apeitie, and my life just feel so depressing. i realized yesterday that heartstopper is like a core memory to me, like i havent watched it since season 2 came out bc people started calling it cringe and i actually started to think it were. i was just a kid back then it feels like, because every day i get older and i feel embarressed for my younger self, in like a few months i think that this me whos writing this is gonna be so cringe, why are we like that? or maybe thats just me. but what i mean is that yesterday i listened to some of the soundtrack songs, i just felt warm and happy inside, and it kept doing everytime i listeend to the songs, i stayed up til 3 am last night just rewatching the first season and it made me cry actually idk why but it just brings me so much comfort. anyway, uni going fine ig, some subjects are really terrible, but im surviving. me and benjamin (the nick to my charlie) are still together and idk tbh how hes feeling ab me atp, like im so fucking stupid and annoying i think hes getting tired of it. i feels like im slowly loosing my mind again bc of everything. i hate myself for the way i act towards people. most people i know would call me nice, they do, but then i literally argue with everyone over stupid shit just bc i am sensetive. and i dont know how to deal with myself, i just get so easily mad and jealous of everyone and its starting to spread out more over the people i love which is not meant to happen but i cant control it. how much i try to be nick, will continue to always be charlie. what was i made for? i dont even know myself anymore. people say they're proud of me but i will literally treat them like shit without even realizing it myself. all i really want is to be seen and heard, but i end up embarresing myself, overshare or just make people upset. im just a failure, im not supposed to be here, i dont fit in. i dont know whats right or wrong anymore i just want to live my life, but im literally just miserable. i try so hard everyday, to get people to like me, to make me like myself a little bit more and not hating myself, but when ive done something wrong i cant even realise my mistake until so long after ive done it, and i feel so stupid. i dont deserve to live the life that i do. i dont deserve any of this. i try to be like everyone else, i try to be interesting but if you try too hard no one is gonna like you. and if youre not interesting people wont wanna hang out with you bc youre boring. you should be funny but not mean, you should be perfect but not fake, you shoulld be thin but not starve, you should be smart not a tryhard, you should be yourself but not different, you should be happy but not annoying, you should be kind but not too kind because then people will use you for their own good. i hate humans, i hate what we've made this world into. sorry this became a whole vent post but im just so tired of living without having anything to live FOR.

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

birthday posting

i had some intresting talk w them in the past few days

they dont celebrate christmas anymore

i dont belive in god, they do, so weirdly enough it should hurt them more if u were to go off just by this information

i wouldnt say im hurt anymore

but is was

for atleast a year or two

i was always saying chirstmas is overrated, i dont like it, capitalism this, capitalism that

then i guess i was a clown for being hurt not having somehting i "despised" so much

because i didnt like christmas

i liked giving gifts, i always did

i didnt like christmas but i liked taking a break

i did not like christmas but i liked the fact that some people actually tried to be nicer atleast in those few weeks before the event

i didnt like christmas for the advertisements, i hated christmas for the sappy clichés, for everything fake

i didnt like how many people around christmas time told me how to love someone

still it hurt when mom said there will be no more christmas at home

i mean they said they wont, what i do is obviosly my choice

but really it just mean i have no one to celebrate with

and what hurt was that, i wouldve been fine with it if there was anything else here

but like i said before, my family isnt really behaving like one (?)

i thought it was my emo teenager self thinking that for a long time but, mum said something similar

that we dont behave how a family should be

we dont talk much

we talk obviously everyday but we dont t a l k

i kind of blame that on the fact that we are really different

i dont belive in things they belive in, and nowadays their whole world is built around their beliefs

if i could talk about softer topics with them i would

but in the end everything ends up with god in their mind

no matter where i try to drive the convo to keep it going, it somehow always ends up there

in the past few days it was kind of better, i gave them a gift on the 21st and told my mom to accept it for me, im not giving it because of christmas

i didnt say a ord to my dad just left the stuff on his desk

i had a "fight" (id rather say disagreement, because it was not aggressive in any way) with my mom about this on the phone that day

i was scared my dad would not accept or somehting, not even scared, better word is uncomfortbale

guess what he was happy

i feel like my mom overdramatizes a lot of things and all that fucking stress murders me for nothing

today too

its my birthday, i got a cake in the morning like always, and it was delicious like always

i was kinda out of it because i just woke up so i didnt talk much but i was happy, i thanked them for the gifts i got and sat down to eat with them

i dont want to get into details but the whole thing started out of the fact that we didnt have the kind of milk i use for coffee, and i asked if theres any

mom somehow already looked snappy

the whole conversation spiraled from there

later on the day i thought we solved it by having smaller talks

but shes on and off with me today all fucking day

and somehow im more sensitive about it

i always feel irony in her voice, this passive aggressive shit, and if i bring it up "its just you", somehow its my faulth

im so fucking tired

today i honestly didnt do anything because i felt like, on my birthday i could do that without a single guilty thought

but the way she spoke to me whenever she looked into my room felt like she had a problem with me again

i dont know

i know im sensitive about this, but i cant help it, she can be extremely cold, and its my birthday

i wanted it to be calm

i just dont feel

i dont feel love coming from her at times like this

like none

i feel like a problem, a burden

im trying to be stronger but its hard

christmas was something when i felt love, calmness around me, and thats what i liked about it, i did not give a shit about how we decorated it

but even that is gone too

and i feel like its a rare occasion when i feel loved

im fucking tired

i have little motivation wich makes me lazy, wich makes me feel kind of lesser again

im fighting tho

its hard

but im not giving up obviously

i cant, not yet

i just wish my mom could be softer, more understanding

i realized in this home that i crave love like crazy, but

somtimes it makes me uncomfortable when i recieve it

i guess some forms of love are rarely experienced by me so its strange, cringey when i get it

but i try to remind myself to everything i get

the fact that they got me a cake, and hugged me in the morning

that was nice atleast

yeah i have to

i have to calm myself

and remember when i get love

welp this got longer than it was meant to be

my mom opened the door on me, i told her not to come in but she did anyways, said she thought i said she can

(i dont want to blame her but i said it like 3-4 times to please not come in, and i know her brain just literally skips trough it, we talked about this before, she said she will try but this was fucking shitty timing)

i was crying, idk if she saw it or realized

i kinda hope not

its okay tho bc im done w my birthday cry atleast lol

these updates are always shitty lol but, i have to remind my future self that im only posting the shitty selfreflection times

like i have not posted about how i met up w 2 of my close friends yesterday, made a bunch of photos with 2 shitty digital cameras (mine's screen is literally in negativ and has these strikes on the screen, so u cant see how the pics actually turn out until its on ur phone/pc lol) smoked a bunch because we're unhealthy like that, went to a christmas fair and left quicly bc everything was expensive and it was cold. even the snow started falling wich is like really rare in this region in this time of the year

so we had a white christmas

i think i hear me mom talk about how sensitive i am

i didnt even do anything except cried and wrote my shit out in peace

but now thats a problem too, because she knows i was sad bc of her

im already over it, or i would be but i just fucking hope she doesnt want to talk about this more, because that would be more hurtful than useful, if we look at the fact that shes deadset on defending herself even if i wouldnt say anything about her

whatever

im older w one year

im 22 rn

im kinda lost in life

but thats nothing new so

i just have to power trough it

i actually did better this year

i read back a lot of posts i left in here and

i am making progress

kinda really slow but

its progress

so yeah peace out or some cool way to say goodbye here

[highonthought]

wtf man

i told him that i understand, that he needs time to think and process and self reflect. But actually, i dont think i do understand. How? how does he feel this way? We just celebrated our one year anniversary. We talked as just friends for a hole year, basically, after we met up again. And the we dated for another! I dont want him to feel obligated to stay with me. God thats worse that me begging him to. I dont want to beg him. But hey, guess what. I have felt that same way before. I look at pictures of you, and i look at my life, and its like theyre completely sepearte. You will hardly ever come into my real personal life. Only what I share with you. And baby, i share it ALL eith you. I know that when we are together we live in a bubble. We lived in a bubble. I used to think,

Whats the point if i wont see him for most of the year?

He isnt here

Life goes on with or without him.

At one point, i felt that if you left me i would be fine.

And then i really sat with those feeling. I remember what it was like when we werent together. And i couldnt reach out to you ever. I didnt just long for you, i missed that friendship that our relationship was built on. Maybe he is s differnt person now.

Im thinking, hoping, that he is stressed with work, or school, and that affecting his relationship towards us.

The point is, Ive been there, Confused, guilty, questioning what it means to have daniel a whole country's distance away. And i realized wow, people are right. Love becomes a choice. Yes there is passion and sparks fly, but not everyday. You choose to love and be with your partner every regualr day. And by choosing, you are making room for moments of passion. And i started making that choice. And choosing to acknowledge and give gratitude for all of the reasons he makes me happy. God, id choose him in every life time.

This is very hard. Daniel is my first love. Daniel has been my only love.

I wonder if hes past the honeymoon phase. What even is the honey moon phase when it comes to us.

i wonder if he wants to be with other women.

Was anything in his anniversary letter even real? "i hope we get many more anniversaries". Ummm yea, me too bitch. Get your head in the damn game.