#suicidality and depression and undiagnosed learning disabilities mixed with school work that i both couldnt understand or keep up with
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#emmett is yelling#content warning for the tags: mentions of s*icide and s*lf h*rm#dont purposefully trigger yourself pls! also im fine just having some thoughts!#i was thinking last night about how traumatic middle and highschool actually were for me like? i dont think ive really let myself call it#that i never thought my experiences were idk? big enough and that people have been through much worse so i didnt deserve to call it that ig#but like Especially my first relationship when i first started hs i think has affected me much more than i really want to admit#because i was 14 and had been severely depressed and suicidal the past yearish as well as starting to sh#and Just realized i was trans too and i started dating my friend who guess what? was all of those things too#and it was lovely most of the time honestly like i loved him and we had great moments but i feel it got very codependent nearer the end#i specifically remember a day he called me scared and crying because his parents had threatened to put him in the hospital for an#observational like 48? 72 hour? stay and he was terrified and turned to me a suicidal 14 year old to help#and me and my mom drove to get him that evening and i remember just laying on the couch and holding him while he just cried and cried and#like thats not normal and not okay for anyone to have the burden of dealing with if they cant especially not someone#whos just as young and just as incredibly vulnerable like during those months i was so scared everytime the phone rang#that it would be his mom or the hospital telling me he was dead and it just felt like the whole responsibility of keeping him#alive and happy was all on my shoulders and if i made one wrong step hed kill himself because i didnt do enough#like the entirety of highschool for me was desperately trying not to end it everyday and having constant like multiple times a week#if not everyday having panic attacks shutdowns and or meltdowns because of the contant abrasive stimuli mixed with#suicidality and depression and undiagnosed learning disabilities mixed with school work that i both couldnt understand or keep up with#like no WONDER i developed a personality disorder with a major characteristic being real or imagined fear of abandonment#no wonder i dissociated for the duration of the 7? 8? months i before i left hs and only have a few scattered memories from that whole year#like highschool really messed with me in way i havent let myself think about and seeing the sheer amount of other folks from that school#feeling and thinking really similar things is so understandable and so sad like we were really suffering and no one actually did a#goddamn thing that was remotely beneficial to us it makes me mad honestly that i was robbed of those years and so many of my peers were too
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