#like thats not normal and not okay for anyone to have the burden of dealing with if they cant especially not someone

[tul1ps1]

i know this isnt my usual posts. sorry.

tw tw tw tw tw

i need to get stuff off my mind. i genuinely dont know what to do anymore. my life is falling apart day by day. and im sitting back and watching it happen. im letting it happen. im not sure what to do about it. everyday im in a constant battle with my mind. everyday i struggle to get out of bed and go to school. even though im fighting my own shit, i go to school energetic and happy. because who wants to deal with someone gloomy. i try my best to put everyone elses mood up, to be that person who you can be happy with. i never will be that friend who brings your mood down just because im feeling down. thats the type of person i am. but at the end of the day, its never enough is it? im never going to be enough for anyone or anything. that feeling of giving up is consuming me. i cant keep doing this anymore. my life is a constant cycle. i dont feel real. i havent been feeling real recently. theres times i just stop and feel faint, and everything goes back to normal. i dont know what it is. im not appreciated enough. no one checks up on me. in order to keep my friendships i have to contact first. ive gave up on that too, and of course, that friendship ends up being extremely distant. im tired of putting in so much effort for people who wont put the same energy back. yet its the complete opposite when it comes down to my family. that i stopped putting in effort a long time ago. i stopped caring how im treated or about repairing relationships. its funny how someone you live with could be so distant from you. i feel unheard. i feel like no one truly knows me. not even myself. i dont understand myself either. maybe one day i will.

the truth is, even though i put up an act, i cant do it all alone. genuinely i wish someone would reach out and check up on me. but deep down i know that will never happen. so i will continue to answer with ���im okay” whenever someone does ask me if anythings wrong. because i know ill get through it. because im the type of person to keep everything to myself until it all bottles up and comes out one random night or day. i find comfort in my sadness. will i be sad for the rest of my life? will i ever find and experience true happiness without the heavy feeling in my heart. without worrying that i will find myself back in this same position? ill be okay. i know i will. being alone and picking myself up whenever i fall apart makes me stronger in a way. but in many ways im also very weak. i dont know how to handle my own problems. and i carry other peoples problems as well a my own. if i dont do it, who will? i genuinely wonder if there would be a difference if i just left. if im gone, it wouldnt really affect anyone. sure i know people would be confused because why would a energetic and happy person like me end their own life? maybe then everyone would notice what i truly was feeling. maybe all the problems and burdens ive caused would leave this world with me.

[typerofwords]

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[trashytoastboi]

hi (i dont know what your character limit is so if you do this in parts thats fine) could i request asl brothers, law, usopp, and kid (separately) with a male s/o whos usually bright and loud but has a bad day and needs some comfort. headcannons or scenario, whatever you like to do better. i hope this isnt too much im just in my simping for op boys hours but anyways thank you and love your account :))

Heyya! 🍀🍞 thank you so much! I'm sorry this took so long and hope you enjoy~

(Male Pronouns)

Headcanons: Ace, Sabo, Luffy, Usopp, Law, Kid x Male! S/O is usually bright and loud but he had a bad day and needs some comfort

Portgas D. Ace

🔥 {Name} was a bubbly breath of fresh air for Ace, his personality also served to cheer Ace up when he was caught up with his own worries and that naturally spread to Ace and made him smile more often than he realized. Honestly it was so reassuring sometimes, {Name's} brightness added to his day and if he had any worries he could always look to {Name} for some cheering up. Sometimes he could afford not to be the bright and energetic one, which made him more comfortable with his other feelings that he often hid to avoid making others worry.

🔥 Although being happy 24/7 may seem easy for someone as bright and energetic as {Name} but a bad day can definitely make that change and suddenly all the energy seems to disappear and hits even harder when it happens. The day was exhausting to him, nothing went right and he felt so drained that even mustering a small smile felt so tedious.

🔥 {Name} isolated himself, he was usually the first in line to cheer someone up or comfort them but he did not really want that for himself and whenever he felt down it was a bad habit of staying away from others in fear of bringing them down or burdening them with his own problems. Despite how kind and happy {Name} could be, his down days hit harder than most. Ace was usually the first to notice this, and he never complained or felt irritated. He understood more than most that anyone and everyone has their bad days.

🔥Ace found {Name} sulking by himself in their shared cabin. Now and then huffing out a sigh, Ace snuck up to him and gave him a light peck on the lips "Whats wrong babe?" Ace inquired with a look of concern. "Nothing..." {Name} murmured, settling into Ace's arms as they snaked around him. "Mmmm that's a big ball of nothing I'm seeing then" Ace quipped, his hand reaching up to stroke {Name's} hair. "Its alright, you don't have to talk about it. I'm here for you either way okay?" Ace reassured his partner which caused a weak but genuine smile on his face.

🔥 Ace would always take care to be extra attentive but not smothering during this time, doing things like making little quips or jokes and reassuring {Name} through his actions and words. He never put any pressure for him to "get back to normal" and rather let him take things at his own pace with Ace supporting him every step of the way until he can be his bright self again.

Sabo

🎩 Sabo was reading a report, his brow furrowed in concentration and a serious expression on his face when he felt a random jab to his forehead. "{Name}" Sabo stated, a little startled since he was deep in thought he had not realized him standing there. "You always seem to scowl when you read those reports" {Name} stated with a big smile. A welcomed smile that Sabo loved seeing since it always seemed to make him smile as well. Sabo was usually on the light hearted side and then serious when he needed to be but the unwinding of that usually takes a while though {Name} was truly a rare exception who seemed to be happy more often than not on top of a boundless energy.

🎩 Though when {Name} had just too much to deal with in a day, he was down. And feeling more sad than he would like to admit and his sudden shift was easily noticed by everyone, but truthfully no one really knew how to comfort him since they usually found themselves on the receiving end of being comforted by him.

🎩 Sabo quickly caught onto {Name's} mood despite his attempts to disguise it under a weak smile. Usually since Sabo already has a lot to deal with it, {Name} always tried to hide his negative moods from him since he always wants Sabo to see the best sides to him and not have to deal with a burden.

🎩 Sabo put all his work down, passed it to others capable of doing it just so he and {Name} could spend some time together. Mostly so Sabo could cheer him up and keep an eye on him. Mostly it was just those little attentive gestures that helped to cheer {Name} up and forget his bad day. Bad days happened now and then and even so, {Name} truly appreciated how kind Sabo was and just how sweet he could be in many aspects.

🎩 Sabo would randomly do things like bringing {Name} food and wanting to eat with him, random hugs or petting his head and those silly little quips he would make just to hear {Name} laugh. Actually it somehow felt difficult to be sad around Sabo since he knew the way to always cheer up {Name}. And if it was a bad day for both of them then they would just spend time in eachothers company and comfort.

Monkey D. Luffy

🍖 Honestly most of the times Luffy and {Name} were on the same wavelength and seemed to view everything with excitement and positivity. As if one energetic busy body wasn't enough, {Name} was added to the mix for double the seemingly endless energy. Honestly the majority of the crew admired how easily {Name} could keep up with Luffy. It just added when the two of them would be together and just when it seemed impossible for the two to be even more happy they somehow managed to surpass that 'limit' each time with occasional stupid antics.

🍖 With the high stress and dangerous occurrences that the Straw-Hats often find themselves in and much like Luffy who is left feeling frustrated after losing a fight. Sometimes {Name} had those frustrating and painful days that left him feeling very down. Whether it was from sadness or anger towards himself.

🍖 Luffy was not the brightest when it came to reading emotions but even he could tell when his partner was feeling down. {Name} smiled less, his energy dwindled and even his appetite. It was all painfully obvious indicators that even Luffy couldn't miss, despite his roundabout way of being able to cheer others up sometimes Luffy would struggle.

🍖 Luffy goes into doting mode, sometimes its direct and other times it Luffy's version of subtle. Whether he is outright asking his partner about what's got him feeling so down or just randomly pulling him into a hug or using {Name} as a body pillow for a spontaneous nap. Its often the little things mixed with Luffy's usual boldness that cheer {Name} up.

🍖 Luffy smiled a little brighter than usual, was little more attentive in his own way and kept {Name} company. Happily showing him anything he found very interesting and 'sneakily' feeding him some of his oh so treasured between meal snacks. And just sticking close to his partner, {Name} smiled a bit more and thanked him. Feeling better than when he was feeling down thanks to Luffy.

Usopp

🏹 Usopp was a bit more balanced than others minus his extreme cases of cowardice and impulsive acts of bravery. {Name} always encouraged him and told him that he was braver than most. Considering how fearful he is of things and yet still musters the courage to do the impossible. {Name's} positivity and bright nature often helped to inspire confidence in Usopp. His partner's energy is always contagious and served as a pick me up to everyone around him and honestly Usopp could liken {Name} to being a light that brightens everyone's mood up especially when they see him smile.

🏹 Maybe it was waking up on the wrong side of the bed but from the get go the day did not in anyway seem to go in {Name's} direction. It was one mess after another, annoyances and things going wrong. It was bad luck. {Name} was frustrated and upset and his usual bright demeanour seemed to be buried under the exhaustion the horrible day brought.

🏹 Usopp saw {Name} and noticed the lack of his usual bounce in his step and it was replaced by heavy, dragging footsteps. Even his face lacked a bright smile and his eyes just seemed to tell how exhausting the day had been to him. Usopp was worried after seeing such an expression on his face. Usopp dropped what he was doing and went to {Name} to find out what was wrong.

🏹 Usopp slid across the floor to land in {Name's} path, presenting a beautiful flower, which was cultivated by Usopp himself. In a theatrical manner Usopp held out the flower with a slick smile as he kissed {Name's} hand. "For you" {Name} wanted to chuckle thinking that he was acting very similar and doing something Sanji would do and {Name} smiled a little, Usopp opened his arms and {Name} went to give him a hug.

🏹 Usopp kept popping out with spontaneous surprises, sometimes flying paper plans with cute little notes scrawled on them and inviting {Name} to join him in the crows nest to look out at the beautiful sights. Just trying all these things that he usually did with a bit more attention and earnest to take {Name's} mind off of anything that may have upset him.

Trafalgar Law

🍄 Law was not the happiest daisy of the bunch and most days his attitude was borderline maniacal with a heavy sprinkling of grumpiness. Which is why {Name's} presence, while looking out of place alongside Law, was actually perfectly fitting and suited for the exhausted man. Law honestly enjoys his bright personality, he loves {Name's} smiles and his oud but not overbearing nature. It even struck him as a surprise since his impression of Luffy was not an entirely fond one and keeping up with his energy was tiresome yet it never felt that way with {Name}. He always felt refreshed listening to the excited chattering of his partner and even those cute little smiles.

🍄 Law had been busy, occupied with a lot and {Name} wasn't going to demand his attention when seeing how busy Law was. Though after the day he had, he wished he had pestered Law a little because maybe he could of avoided having such a terrible day. It wasn't necessarily anyone's fault but it wasn't a good day. It just seemed to do nothing but frustrate {Name} who tried his best to cope with it.

🍄 Law was sensitive to emotional changes in others and was quick to realize when he saw {Name} forcing a smile that he wasn't good at all. He knows how negative things kept to oneself can spiral and grow worse. Law never wanted to see his partner down, he wanted him to be happy and free from anything that could hurt him. Not to say that bad days don't exist but he wished it would be a little better so his partner would never feel bad.

🍄 Law made a space for just the two of them and stopped his work to spend time with {Name}. He wanted a space where {Name} could feel comfortable and rest if it helped to put that pep back into his step. Law went to find his partner and spent a bit of time with him, just comforting him and trying to find any answers as to what upset him so much.

🍄 Between comforting affection, Law keeping {Name} close and doing things like hugging him, holding his hand and snuggling into all those hugs. Law would also gently inquire as to what was bugging him and what was making him so down. Law felt an odd sense of over protection whenever {Name} got down and took it upon himself to try cheer him up... his dry doctor jokes were not great but the effort made {Name} laugh.

Eustass Kid

🛠 Kid's crew often quipped that Kid and {Name} made such an odd pairing seeing that the two of them were polar opposites from one another. Although Kid was attracted to {Name's} sunflowery nature and it made him somewhat more amicable and helped to balance Kid out from his extremes. In his own way, it made Kid really happy to have such a partner and made him a little more protective over {Name} since the life of a pirate was fulfilling but equally dangerous and scary. If anything, Kid wanted to maintain that happiness of {Name's} for his sake as well his partners.

🛠 {Name}was particularly formidable against hardship since a lot of not so great things could happen in the New World, but even so he remained his happy self most of the times. Even in times of great adversity, in fact there was very little that could dampen his spirits. So when {Name} had a bad day it was usually a really bad day.

🛠 Kid spotted {Name}, languid and devoid of his usual energetic self and even a concerned face in place of his usual kind and warm smile, Kid found himself worried. Even he knew it took a lot to push his partner to their breaking point, it took a lot to make him upset and he seemed so down and Kid couldn't think of a reason and it was a rather rare occurrence for him so be so upset.

🛠 Kid was rather direct and awkward with his attempts of comfort. Since subtlety wasn't really his fortè and he outright asked his partner if the problem was one he could beat or break. And despite the aggressive undertone of his words, {Name}smiled knowing this was Kid's version of expressing his sincerity. {Name} found himself soothing Kid's worry and calming him to explain that it was just a bad day.

🛠 Kid hung around with {Name} to make sure there were no more problems to his day. There were also a few more awkward attempts at sincere affection from Kid's end and he almost seemed more restless and wanting more of {Name's} attention, although {Name} was the one who was needing comfort, Kid needed reassurance that his attempts were meaningful and it was endearing for {Name} to watch him try so hard for his sake.

[witch-hazels-musings]

could i request some (separate) platonic hcs for kaeya, venti, and childe ? 🥺 like if you were best friends what would it be like :')

Friendship!

Warning -> SFW! Fluff :) 

Character X GN Reader | Anthology

Includes: Venti, Kaeya, Childe

Venti 

He is an incredible friend - just an absolute joy to have around 

He’s super fun, giddy, kind, and unexpected  - he’d make every day a new experience 

Just don’t be too worried if you don’t see him for a while - he is free like the wind and will drift to places that call him, eventually he always comes back 

Early Friendship

He is always happy to see you - like he just has this goofy smile on his face, this lightness in his voice and joy in his eyes 

There is a high likelihood he will have requests of you - maybe something to help him partake in his wild fantasies or ideas that seem to be fleeting and ever changing - he might drag you all around and see just how far you’ll go before you find out he was pulling your leg all along - he just likes to have a good time and your such a good sport 

His presence is kind and joyful. He lifts people up, he makes people laugh, he is silly and unexpected and while sometimes you might feel completely drained by the time you get home, you are always left with fond memories 

Best Friends

He would start to show more of himself to you - his joy would shift from surface level to unbound, he’d let you into his pain, his loneliness - you’d learn more about him and hear stories which seemed way to personal to be from the storybooks he says they are from 

You might catch him being more reserved and quiet. He’d ask you to visit the places that hold great meaning to him and as you sit there, watching him, you’d notice there was so much sadness and thoughtfulness to him - he’d be able to let himself rest near you and for a restless bard who cannot keep his energy together, it’s nice to have someone to rest his head near 

He’d teach you songs and would be so excited if you start to make some up with him - the two of you would often be found sitting near one another laughing and coming up with silly, confusing lyrics which only made sense to the two of you - it didn’t matter if you sounded good or not, he just like having someone to sing with 

Venti had asked you to join him under the large tree in Windrise, near the Statue of the Seven. It was one of his favorite places to go, he once explained to you how the air there seemed to be rejuvenating, refreshing and clear. When you made your way down the path and saw him sitting on one of the large roots of the tree he waved at you with gusto. 

The two of you sat there for some time, talking about your day and sharing funny stories or strange anecdotes. He may look like he was laughing and having a grand time, but you knew him well enough to know there was something strange about the way he laughed, about the smile that seemed much too sad. 

“Y/N?” He asked, his face looking upward into the large branches of the tree. 

“Yeah?” You let the grass fall from your hands, the thin blades floating in the soft wind. 

“Do you think friendships last beyond a single lifetime?” 

You looked up at him but he continued to look up toward the blocked sky. You thought for a bit, considering his question and wondering why he would ask something like this. 

“I think the connections we make in our lives last for as long as they need to. People come and go, drifting between in and out like grass on the wind until they come to rest. For how long, I don’t know, and until the wind decides to pick them up again we have to enjoy the time spent there.” 

“That’s a lovely thought.” Venti hummed, his eyes shining and the corner of his mouth slightly pulled back. 

“Hey,” You called out to him and he looked down at you, “I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I am stronger than grass on the wind, and I plan on being your friend for eternity if you’ll let me.” You stick out your pinky finger and he returns the gesture, your two fingers wrapping around the other in this solemn promise. 

“It’s a deal then.” 

Kaeya

He is pretty busy, so he might not hear from him from time to time - but don’t worry, he isn’t like this because he doesn’t enjoy your friendship, he just has a lot on his plate - it keeps him busy 

He’s totally down to hang out in the evenings whether thats in a bar, in the popular places people tend to gather, or wandering about the town - it’s an excellent excuse to see you, maybe get something nice to drink, and gather information all at the same time

Early Friendship

Kaeya always has something up his sleeve - he may seem kind, just keep and eye on him - he’s tricky

He is inviting and would listen to you, he’d offer you solutions to your problems - just be aware they might not always be the most … ethical of solutions … they might also be difficult to accomplish, his ideas can often be quiet intricate 

He’d take a moment to chat with you when he sees you around - waving at you with quick flick of the hand and calling out your name 

He’d even offer to assist you on commissions or any adventure you are heading out for - please take him, he’s dying to get out from behind the castle walls and he finds your company very entertaining 

Best Friends

He’d find you just to hang out with you - maybe using his breaks to go to the places you usually hang out (maybe your work or favorite spots in the city) and when he finds you he’d be okay to just talk about nothing in particular, even on his days off you’d find yourself surrounded by Kaeya - the two of you share in a lot of great conversations and laughter 

He digs that you joke back with him and don’t take him all that serious - it’s nice to just let loose and have someone to be himself without all the extra masks he finds himself wearing - with you he can just exist, no expectations, no push to go one way or the other, he can just be 

Honestly, it doesn't matter what the two of you do, it’s just fun to hang out with one another, to spend time together, to laugh with each other, about each other, for each other 

Kaeya hasn’t felt this close to someone in such a long time - it’s a feeling he never wants to loose, he values this friendship more than you’ll ever know 

The two of you sat on the upper floor of the bar enjoying the evening of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. Kaeya had started long before you had even gotten there and was already having a fun time. 

“Hey! Glad you could join the fun.” He sang, his arms spread wide to greet you. He had already said this to you a few times but you just laughed it off. 

“I told you I'd be here and I wouldn’t want to be a liar. I know you’ll never let me live it down.” 

“Ah, you know me so well.” He took another drink from his glass and set it back onto the table before looking at you. He was so thankful to have you in his life, you made the days fun and you brought something he was missing, a person who he could just be around, a person he could rely on, a person who valued him for him. 

You looked at him, a half-cocked smile spreading across your face. “What, you’re looking at me funny.” 

“I’d like to make a toast.” He shouted, lifting his glass up high and inviting the whole room to join in. “A toast to friendship, may ours last until the snow on Dragonspine melts.” 

“And even then, you won't be able to get rid of me!” You shout back, adding your glass to the cheer. 

“Hah, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

The bar explodes into chanting and cheers and the two of you spend the rest of the evening laughing away. 

Childe

He’s such a wild friend 

Like be aware that you may never know what is coming when it comes to Childe - one minute things will be normal and chill and the next, tables are flying, people are cheering and mora is falling from the sky 

He’s super cocky and sure of himself, this personality of his comes across in his action on a regular basis

Like a torrential rain or unexpected storm - Childe’s friendship is a sight to behold 

Early Friendship

He’d be nice enough, saying hi to you and giving you parts of his day - if he had the time - it was hard to make connections with people since he moved around so much, if he did make any connection with a person they were usually short lived - like a burning match or a downpour in the rain 

While you may be more open, he’d let you do most of the talking - he’d keep his work to himself and wouldn’t share much with you unless it was necessary. You’d never notice either, he’s very good at getting people to open up without expelling much energy 

Best Friends

He recently started brining you small gifts, trinkets or items that you’d like - he’d learned so much about you and even as sporadic as his contact with you was, you were always excited to see him, always happy to share with him things going on and even brave enough to ask him about his own - never pushing him past the level of comfort he was used to 

Since he considers you an very close friend, he started to be more open about his own life with you - sharing with you about this family and being vulnerable enough to let you know how much he missed them - he’d make jokes about not using this information against him later and while you laugh, he hopes you take him seriously -- he’s giving you a lot about himself and he can’t bare to see you betray him 

He’d also start to be involved more in your life - he’d want to join you on your outings, ask you if there was anything he could do to lift your burdens, often taking care of any issues you bring to him in whatever way was quickest, or most efficient (please don’t kill anyone, Childe…) 

The two of you laid out underneath the stars. You found this activity pleasant and after inviting him out once, he’d asked you to take him again and again. He was incredibly curious about the stars in the sky and you did you best to answer him - you weren’t necessarily an expert in the whole thing, but it was something you found a lot of joy in, so you managed to give him a lot of new information. 

“You know, I’ve only ever focused on one or two stars my whole life.” He said, looking up at the vastness of the night, his hands extended as if he was trying to capture the little lights in his hands. 

“Most people don’t even look up. They're so busy looking at the now or thinking about their next step.” 

“Well, I looked at them only out of necessity, nothing more … and now …” He dropped his hands back onto the blanket and you stopped looking at your notebook. The small lantern flicking across the pages, fluttering across his face and in his ginger hair. 

“Now, what?” You asked, curious as to what he was going to share with you next. 

“Now I’m able to see there are so many possibilities other than one or two. You helped me see that, so thank you comrade.” 

“Any time, that’s what friends are for.” You chuckled, looking up at the stars. A bright light flashed across the sky and your heart fluttered. You tapped him on the arm, “Look, a shooting star, make a wish!” 

He looked out over the fast, never ending, glittering darkness and wished for this friendship to last until the last star faded.

[relaxxattack]

ayo! (wait this might be a bit of a jumpscare dishdks i apologize) i’m op of That Post and was wondering what your opinions were on the whole woobification thing? /gen

because it’s a Tiny Bit widespread within the dream apologists to sort of,, overdramatize stuff like l’manberg hurting him. like they’re not a 100% wrong but if you look at it subjectively you can see some sort of bias going into that sort of thing that makes the character’s mistreatment a bit more blatant and intentional which,, it really wasn’t? and there wasn’t That Much of it either. especially on twitter (tumblr is much better about it) people just jump to conclusions it seems and yeah. since you brought it up i was wondering if you wanted to write a bit about it from your perspective!

we’re kinda from different corners of the fandom but i still notice that once you are too attached to a character you start taking certain evidence and giving it more weight than it actually has. there’s a blurry line between “taking away a character’s humanity” and woobification and it’s extremely difficult to find a balance when said character shows pretty much nothing of his emotional life (e. g. putting up the intimidating villain act in front of only c!tommy, pretty much everything he does making rational sense with no emotional subtext) and a lot of the fandom instantly jumps to one side or the other while it’s like.

we don’t know by far enough to say “he’s traumatized” or “he isn’t traumatized” or “he was villainized and it hurt him” or “l’manberg didn’t affect him at all”

as a very analytical person people constantly jumping to conclusions grinds my gears, but that’s about it for my own view of the situation - sorry for the rambling.

in general i agree with you that both dehumanization and woobification is Bad and i really hope getting Actual Context sorts this out (e. g. him saying he was betrayed by his friends doesn’t mean it wasn’t partially his fault or that they were allowed to leave him, but it also shows that he did care about that happening. mentioning the cat doesn’t mean anything about what happened to c!tommy but it also shows that he did care about what happened to it. it’s just always interesting to get more information about the way he feels because he usually does a very good job at hiding it.) because man.

it’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially if you also are attached to the character and are expected to automatically agree with everything the people on “your side” say. it just ends up with everyone being mad and the character being mischaracterised overall.

oh wow hello! i didnt expect the op of the post to find me you’re right lol

and yes i agree! you seem to have a lot of very good thoughts tbh.

and by woobification, i mean exactly what you’ve already pointed out— the people who will say l’manberg purposely villainized dream, the people who will say wilbur faked his mental illness to manipulate dream, the people who are pretty much always talking about how badly dream was treated by people who were acting only fairly for themselves, usually.

for example people who act like dream was a perfect peacemaker before tommy showed up, or that tommy started most conflict. these are just actual lies that are told by c!dream himself to justify his abuse of tommy, and people fall for them incredibly easily because not a lot of people watched early dsmp and know that truthfully it was chaotic even then, and that dream was chaotic too. not to mention wilbur soot tried very hard to secede peacefully with l’manberg and dream jumped directly into war with no warning. and then people say he was forced into their war when, no, he started it.

theres also people who will say like, dream and sapnap for example are such good friends. i’m sure they cared for each other, but dream on multiple occasions has done horrible things to sapnap with no regard for his feelings (like leading fundy to sapnaps pets during the petwar, leading tommy to sapnaps pets during the other petwar and encouraging him to kill them, handing mars over to tommy to use as leverage against sapnap, etc). george he’s been less awful too but he certainly spoke over him and ignored his feelings enough that george felt hurt. he had places in his hall of attachments for beckerson and mars. george and sapnap were right to walk away from being treated like that.

there’s also what you just said here — “dream puts on a villain persona for tommy”— but honestly he acts like that around quite a few people (example: eret) and it’s usually when he’s revealing crucial info, which leads me and many others to believe that ‘persona’ is actually a more truthful version of him.

there’s the fact that he really isn’t safe for people to be around (or at least he wasn't before the prison) because he was planning to come up with ways to control every single person by stealing and threatening their attachments (some of which were not items but were living animals, or a real breathing person).

and then people will say dream was doing exile to enforce rules, or to keep the peace— when it’s very clear in canon it was a deliberate plan to get tommy on his own and into the prison. (from the way he was framing tommy for multiple crimes, and having sam set up the prison, and kidnapping tommy instead of correctly exiling him, all at the same time).

not even going into how he wants to kill and revive people for fun or make tommy immortal.

it’s just— ignoring all these actual facts and saying “oh he misses his friends, let’s get him some friends now” reminds me of like. when people would put flower crowns on pictures of serial killers. and then, there’s hardly anyone on the server who wasn’t subject to dream’s plans, so there’s absolutely no one i would be okay with him interacting with.

just remembered about the torture thing, and wow i still hate it so much. it’s someone’s sick revenge fantasy twisted into a way to get a manipulative villain sympathy, and it’s just gross to me on every account. i do think dream is traumatized-- just not by l’manberg, which was a conflict he started on his own terms. i would think l’manberg did affect him, because he was scared of losing control.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again— my ideal ending for dream would be for him to be sent far away from dsmp to an island full of therapy animals and super strong therapists who have never met him before. and for him to get a shit ton of therapy until he becomes a halfway normal person. and then eventually he could get integrated into society again; but a different one with new people. (although maybe dteam + bbh + puffy can visit him, they might still like him.)

none of the people on the server (who have all been affected by dream) should be burdened with befriending him or rehabilitating him— look how that turned out with sam! sam had a personal grudge towards dream and it ended with the poor dude being tortured every day; and sam himself falling into corruption and literally cutting off his boyfriends arm. like we can all see thats fucking awful right?

no one who was affected by dream should have to deal with him ever again. and contrary to popular belief, that includes a LOT more people then just tommy. dream isn’t just tommy’s antagonist, hes almost everybody’s.

the only person on the server who might also be able to stand to help dream is techno, and that’s from sheer lack of ability to give a shit. but techno is probably THE furthest thing from a good therapist there is lol, and dream needs better then that.

this kind of just ended up being a rant about my thoughts on c!dream, so im so sorry op. especially since it was probably negative for you. i hope you’re doing very well.

i guess in the end it’s true what you said— people will highlight or ignore things based on what characters they like, and it’s especially easy to do in this fandom, where half the content doesn’t even get watched and then we become a big echo chamber of half-truths.

considering dream has hurt so many of the characters i care about, i almost can’t understand how he could be someone’s favorite or comfort character— but he is nonetheless, and it would be unfair of me to be rude about that.

essentially it just bothers me to see someone who was a perpetrator of accurately portrayed abuse and manipulation (using both those words in their actual definitions, not just as random buzzwords lol) being given the flower crown edit effect. especially since he’s hurt the characters i care about a lot.

ANYWAY all of that being said (this got LONG im so sorry op) i am so so excited to get dream’s pov, because although i disagree with his actions strongly i actually find dream’s character very interesting and cool, and watching his POV is going to insanely fun. i cannot wait to see what theories get confirmed or denied

ALSO incase it wasn’t clear this is all /nm at you! you seem lovely and smart, and neither of us can help what characters we get attached to :]

[sailorhyunjinz]

damn, i hope it's okay to share this part of the lecture notes because it's publishing my profs skript?

Anyway, i did not think about how i wrote what at all because the lectures are going by so fast; it's also a bit hard to read because of that, but i got you an excerpt mentioning the subspace top 👀

That weird looking T isn't a capital T, it's a lower case greek "tau" and the mirrored capital E is maths for "it exists". I write my actual upper case Es like € but with only one line in the middle. I don't know if that helps but yeah

-horny!jisung is valid

OH I AM SO EXCITED THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS and im sure its fine, no one can understand those fucking mathematic formulas anyways SO WE JUST GONNA LOOK AT THE WRITING <33

The size of your writing is adequate, not too big not too small maybe leaning a bit on the smaller side sometimes which means that you are humble! the baseline is relatively straight, some waves which is great, it means that you have a healthy way of coping with your emotions. the distance between your words changes from time to time which is normal as well, you might be closer to some people than others but in general you have a healthy distance in all your relationships, like you're not forcing yourself upon anyone or have an overbearing issue with abandonment.

theres a slight backwards slant happening ever so often which signals that you are more rational than emotional, your descions are often well thought through and maybe youre not so much of a team player, you like working with machines more than people WHICH IS FINE, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. i feel like one of or maybe both of your parents were strict when you were a child and you arent that open when it comes to expressing feelings, you have them of course but you a reluctant to share them, thinking that maybe you are a burden to someone else or that you are equipped to deal with it on your own yeee,,, I DONT KNOW YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO TELL ME LATER ON IF ANY OF THIS DOESNT RESONATE

for the most part your writing is loopy and round which indicates playfulness and your writing is connected with downwards stroke sometimes and sometimes its disconnected which is normal, nothing weird, the downwards stroke shows friendlyness! its also very middlezone dominant which means that you are here in the present moment, you dont thinking too much about the past and you plan ahead sure but not to like every detail, you are trying to get your tasks done in the present moment yk but theres one thing i noticed and that its although you dont have massive lower zones when they are present so for example the "p" and the "f" your writing gets sharp which signals sexual frustration or maybe frustrations when it comes to power or money like you want more of the lustful things in life but youre not sure how to get there,,, yk

OH I REALLY WAN DO LETTER SPECIFIC STUFF OK ALRIGHT the first thing that really stood out to be is the very inconsistant "t-bar" which is that stroke across the "t". in your writing its sometimes a bit higher but for the majority of the time its very low which gives the impression that you have a low self-esteem, you dont believe in your abilities and you think that you are not as good as everybody else (lemme tell you honey judging by these notes that look like something from a cave you hae nothing to worry about) BUT YOU ARE because look at the loopy "p", thats a sign of intelligence and that you vibe with people that are also intelligent where yall can have interesting discussions about stuff yk

all of your "a" letters are closed which means that you usually dont talk a lot,,, you talk when you need to but like thats it,,, also this is gonna sound very personal but you dont have that much of a craving for oral sex,,, y-yeah ITS NOT YOUR FAVORITE

oh you mentioned that you write your "e" like a backwards 3 and like with a line right? i dont know too much about that trait and i have it too like i write my capital "E" like a backwards three and all of those kinda clump together in something that ive understood as a person that likes to explore different cultures! idk if thats some bullshit explanation cause the only other person i know that writes like that is,,, me like I HAVENT ANALYZED IT ALOT but thats kinda the general understanding of it

minimal insecurity loops but like everyone has insecurities once in a while and a last thing is that you have a "hint" of secretivness but you only use it when you need to like you dont go around holding secrets for no reason but if someone needs you to keep a secret you wont crack and tell it to everyone, thats a positive trait but it can turn very negative if you have a lot of like looping in "o" and "a" where its like someone keeps secrets so hard that it ends up hurting them and their mental state.

,,,, hope this wasnt too personal,,, h-he,, BUT THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN, it can be personal and although i dont see any major red flags i want you to be more believing in yourself because other aspects in your writing show that you are not only a friendly person butalso intelligent <333

[alyfawx]

I cant keep doing this...

I cant keep up with evrything expected of me...

i lose sleep..

im in pain all the time...

I keep pushing but i feel like...

utter shit...

I hate my job but i need money...

I Dont get paid enough to pay bills and get things that i like...

I am told in different ways that im not good enough or im not doing enough...

I cant find to much happiness doing the things I love...like writing...or eating stuff I love and crave...

im worried everyday about my health but i domt have the motivation to donwhats needed to keep it leveled...

im at war just toget my insurance but they keep saying my account is still open in fucking NY and its been years of flinging to my social worker trying to figure it out and cancel it and they say they will give me the papers I need to donit but never does and because of that my mental health is getting worse and worse because its not getting treated and i try to treat my own self with research and stuff but there is so much i can do...and I considered just...going to a mental psychiatric clinic but then I cant afford that because my damn NY account in insurance keeps saying its open but me an my mom tried to get it fix and it just will not fucking close 4 years of trying this 4 fucking years and im suffering inturnally...i contemplate running away from going to work but i cant...because work equals money...i feel like a burden to my family but have no clue what else I can give to them...when im fucked up...i cant take more hours because I feel like if I did I will be lutting more stress to my body that will probably make things worse....i hate asking for help because its looked down uponed...or I feel like my problems are solo fucking little compare to others who work there god damn butts off and im here complaining I cant do a 4 hour shift for like 4 days back to back without wanting to fucking blow my brains out because everything hurts...and on top of that I seriously cant deal with the stress my mind is on when im there..."im not good enough or fast enough or im socially awkward and weird and people will look at me like i'm not trying hard enough" and that makes work for me a living fucking HELL...because everyday I wish I see people doing things more efficient then me...but if im going any more then i am doing...im stressed and anxious and like not comfortable... and i just try to keep those thoughts down...but there is a point where I just cant even bother because my mind is so hard to shut off...once it gets going...i Don t know what to do anymore...im starting to feel like...hopeless...helpless because theres so much expactations on me...brcausr no one ilunderstands...no one wants too...and when they try they just say you just got to do it...its life...it I get compared to better off people mentally...stonger people...thats even with there struggles they can do it...im not one of those people and i dont think I'll ever be in my current situation...and honestly...u dont know what else I can do anymore...and its to the point where trying anything more then what I feel I capable of...ill push myself too much and I'll snap...and do something stupid just to get out of it...but I fight that thought...everyday...because of these expactations and people who love me...and I try to convince myself it will get better but im exhausted...this fight is draining me...and I want everything to change already...its want a fucking merical...something to get me out of this rut im in...because I juat cant do this anymore...im fighting and im still not giving up but im afraid that...oneday I wont be me anymore and that protection of fighting will break and then...it will be to late...

I will try with every fiber of my being to keep that fight...and fight...but theres just so much you can take when your in this low rut...that comes up and down and up and down...and up and down like a figging roller coaster...and sometimes its just...unable to keep those ups for very long...and I lie to myself to keep fighting...but im to the point where...i just...cant keep doing that....an I need help...and thats gonna worry people...and I try to keep this to myself...and even now after writing this im regretting this...but this is needed to come out...i am not okay...im not normal...im dying inside everyday...this is serious...please help me...and I know...thats hard to hear for some people...and you guys just probably want the Ally before she went through trauma...and you just want to think lightly of me...and that im fine and content...and I want her back too...i try to keep her...but theres times I just cant and shes so far away ...and I wont be ending my life...but...im just...not okay...and idk what to tell anyone...cuz I have no clue how to fix it on my own...its hard to keep up this mask...that I hide...but the mask is crumbling...i cant keep it together for much longer...

I wish I was okay...but im not...and I really dont know what else I can do anymore...

I try to keep a content mindset...but...unfortonatly I really can't...i hope I get out of it...i want to be okay...but im not okay...and I domt want it to get it to thr point where I cant recover...so please if you can help me in anyway...please...do....its a mess up here...and by tomorrow im sure...ill act like im okay and the way i am is fine because I don't every time...don't listen to me...i need all the help and support and love and understanding I can get...but dont freak out because when you freak out im freaking out and that stresses me out more....just approach me with a calm state of mind...and try your best to help me...and forgive me if it doesnt sink in to me quickly...i need patiants and lots of it...not frustration...not being told im not. trying hard enough because that will make me feel resentful and that isnt good for anything... not for me and not for the help...so please if anyone can help me out...its appreciated...

[flockofdoves]

literally so grateful i just found this???? this has been a huge wall in front of me these past few days since realizing how much disordered eating over the past few months has affected me, having to start entirely reevaluating how i’ve been approaching my relationship with food in the name of not neglecting my chronic illness stuff and how that exact same attitude of trying to make myself better actually just made me fuck up my digestive tract by avoiding certain foods (and food in general bc theres so much its so overwhelming and also now i’m too nauseous and weak to have an appetite!) and by extension make my chronic illness worse. and then now reading about refeeding i was worried because so much refeeding stuff seems to recommend a lot of dairy products and i even before these last few months dairy hasn’t been good for me for over a year (although not just lactose i was thinking it was casein too but also like . lol idk maybe its just another one of the phenomena thats talked about here) and wasn’t sure how to balance that when avoidance of foods i see as triggers for health got me here in the first place and at this point literally anything is gonna be too much for my gut and i gotta tough through that

uhhhh turned into a rant/vent about things unrelated to the article under this

kinda distressing though tbh to think about what IBS even like . Means . lol like it does make sense to see it more as a small part of the bigger picture of all my stuff and how my nerves and shit or w/e are wired as someone labeled in contemporary times as/with autistic/adhd/ocd/schizo/anxiety/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and its comforting to see it more as a symptom of how i can easily get out of wack from there instead of just. eternally always bad (although i was getting okay with that too like i value parts of myself enough i could deal with that being reality without too much mourning beyond how i have no accommodation under capitalism. but still this is better than that even) but its weird finding ways of saying i don’t have to lean into it too much that don’t kinda just trigger me thinking about doctors/peers/etc whove more just saw me as a burden and didn’t care to listen to me before dismissing things as all in my head thus i was exaggerating and not deserving of compassion/care/etc. i know i don’t mean that towards myself but the nuance is a lot to deal with after so recently having that used to hurt me all over again and then in trying to take care of myself actually hurting myself worse. so that adds a weird layer to things i hope i won’t get a complex about lolol but also i guess thats cool i don’t have to beat myself up for not sticking to a fodmap free diet or deciding it wasn’t worth trying to see if i had a gluten intolerance because the food i’d be avoiding would make me more upset than any pain i deal with. like ... whoa.. i wasn’t actually being unreasonable or ridiculous when i thought that or being self destructive?? and i started considering otherwise when i now realize i was already dealing with ED symptom stuff so like . i can tolerate most foods i think at least some of the time??

really curious if i can regain my lactose tolerance considering i only starting being intolerant in the past year so it wasn’t a primary lactose intolerance thing maybe?? and i had some on and off symptoms of my current behaviors that lead to this that whole time so that’d be really cool actually lol i miss just being able to enjoy dairy products (and in retrospect my aversion to even tasting them even with lactaid pills or somethign definitely was liek...... disordered eating stuff lol) 

also curious if my ED stuff had anything to do with my tremors or brain fog getting worse. i defintiely think at least somewhat like yeah. the timeframe makes sense. idk if thats the primary reason for those symptoms because i’ve had them at various points in my life in that combination but the recent upsurge in them and also the fact that most of those days were right after really bad nausea days and also how today i realized i was tremoring a lot in ways i directly associated with feeling weak because of trying to deal with ED related stuff i think that definitely will at least become less constant of a problem in getting over this. those are all symptoms i exhibit in various contexts with various physical and emotional pressures so i don’t think thats their only cause but i think that really does make me so much less worried about why the hell i’ve gotten so much worse so suddenly

scared about how long this will take i feel like i’ve only really had my eating become consistently disordered over the past couple months but idk i’ve had weird episodes for ages and if i really didn’t recognize this was even a problem til right this week idk if i’m thinking back accurately enough. its definitely worse in that period though bc my doctor 2 months ago (also wait... i guess that means its been even longer lol?? no way i lost that all in the couple weeks i really can look back and see my behavior as disordered before that appointment) remarked i lost like 15 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago (they also remarked like that was a good thing lol.) so i guess i’ll keep figuring that out its wild though reading that apparently just getting your stomach back to normal can take at least 2 months like it makes sense but like . jeez. hard to process that i did that and didn’t realize i’d like to think i’ve become so much more in tune with my body these past few years but i guess i’m not doing it the right way even if i’m glad i no longer just stay quiet and tough things out while suffering and dismissing it with no idea whats going on or why and feeling too ashamed and guilty to make it anyone elses problem and not pushing back when others dismiss the slightest thing i bring up. but yeah like i did a lot more than i thought i did with this but also i’m glad i caught it so early i feel almost too weird about saying i have an eating disorder like its like i acknowledged that this week and now i’m trying to recover so. thats good. idk i’ll see i’m sure i have a lot to learn and that kinda sucks i had enough to deal with already without this as a factor but!!!!

[fairycosmos]

Today is my birthday. And I’m 16. And since I was 6/7 I’ve been telling myself that I’ll kill myself before I’m 16 so it’ll all be okay but now I’m 16 and I didn’t fulfil it and I feel so sad and numb and I wanna scratch my skin off and I hate this. My whole life has been based on that promise and I couldn’t even keep it. I don’t know what to do to stop myself feeling like this or doing something. It’s only 40 mins into the day and it’s this horrible

hey my love. it's okay, you're going to be okay. take a deep breath. right now, you don't have to do anything. let your emotions wash over you, let the negative thoughts occur but try your best not to act on them, not to give them too much credit. cry if you need to. recognise the pain, and let it be. listen, the fact that you're still here, and that you didn't go through with it, is a fucking wonderful thing. it means you've grown. some part of you has learned that ending your life isn't going to solve anything, not like you thought it would when you were a little kid, even if some days you still feel like giving up. accepting your own existence is scary and weird but it's not something you're going to regret. you'll have these realisations over and over again as you get older. the way you see yourself and the world will shift and change, i promise. i know it's hard to believe, i know. your brain won't allow you to fully register how temporary everything is at the minute, but it always comes back to that. this moment in your life is just a stepping stone, not a permanent destination. take it from me. i was 16 two years ago, right? and yeah i'm sad on here a lot, but it's not as awful as i thought it was going to be back then. just the natural mental development between then and now makes things feel way more manageable, even when they're hard. i'm not saying your age negates your emotions, or how hard it is, because i absolutely understand that that's not the case, but please keep in mind that you genuinely have all of the time in the world to figure this out, okay? there's no rush. you're doing so much better than you think you are, and i honestly believe in you and your future so much. i can't stress it enough.i don't know the details of your situation, or what has lead you to this point. if you've been feeling this way since you were super young, i can only fuckin apologize, because you deserve so much more than that. and i think you'll find it, if you give yourself a fair chance. you want to stop feeling like this, yeah? thats the main point of your message, the crux of all of it. the good news is that you can and you will, if you want to, if you try. there's no quick or all encompassing solution, but there are so many resources when it comes to knowing how to keep yourself safe, and stabilizing your mental health. suicidal thoughts aren't normal, they're not something you need to handle all by yourself - but at the same time they're somewhat common, and others can relate to feeling that way more than you realize. you're not alone. the urge to self isolate will always be there, but it's coming from the same untrustworthy part of your mind that the suicidal thoughts are coming from, which is what's causing all the inner turmoil in the first place, so it can't be trusted. you can use that self awareness to do the right thing, to break the cycle, no matter how much your mind is screaming at you to hurt yourself instead. it's not easy, i get that. in fact it'll feel harder than anyone else could ever comprehend. but it is so, so possible. and you can do it, one day at a time, you can do it.committing suicide is not the answer, it's not the only way to move from one state of being to the next. it's not how you get the fear to go away. encouraging your own growth is a much better way to go about it. it doesn't have to be a big deal, a sudden massive switch in lifestyle or mentality - it can start with a conversation, or with reaching out, or choosing to keep yourself physically safe today while you process your feelings. i really think the best option for you would be to truly consider opening up. think of someone you trust, it can be literally anyone - a teacher, a friend, your doctor, your parents, a school counselor, a hotline anything. admitting to what's going on, and saying it out loud, is the first step towards overcoming it. there's no shame in asking for help, that's what it's all leading up to anyway. we all need it at some point or another. you're just a human, you're allowed to feel the way you do, and you're allowed to lean on others. you can give into recovery instead of giving into the violence. look, i can't be sure, but it seems to me that this emotional pain is caused by more deeply rooted issues, possibly to do with your childhood and the climate of your mental health - if that's the case, i don't blame you at all for being upset and scared and angry. but it also means that professional support is going to change things drastically for you. talking to an adult and seeing if you can be referred to a specialist is the most logical step, the short term answer you're looking for. they'll be able to offer you a place to turn to, a professional opinion, a care plan, a substitute for your unhealthy coping mechanisms. it feels like a lot of effort until you do it, and then you realize the real effort was locking yourself away from the world. causing yourself to hurt more will do just that. none of this is your fault, and you can't control a lot of what's happened, but you CAN control what you do right now and how you react to it. alright? there's so many ways forward. your perception is clouded right now by self hatred and anxiety, but it won't always be that way. don't give up your whole future based on temporary circumstances. you are a lot more capable than you know, i can guarantee it. i understand that living with five more minutes of this feeling doesn't seem worse even ten years without it. each day is exhausting, you don't know what to do, nothing seems to be working. so what's the next step? you look at what you've been doing and then you identify what will allow you to break the cycle, what will allow you to develop.it's overwhelming, i understand that. like i said before, take a moment to just breathe. handle it one day at a time. being alive is a complete burden sometimes but the overall context of existing is a completely rare, irreplaceable phenomenon. and you experiencing it matters, you matter. more than you know. happy birthday, try to be sweet to yourself when you can. you're 16. take some time to find out what makes you feel happy and light this year. let it be simple. everything is going to work out the way it's supposed to. just let me know if you need a friend or if you want to discuss it properly. i'll be here.https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[moodymurda]

think i lost my best friend

as a small child my first first best friend was a boy named omar. we met in daycare when we were two. we were the smallest in the class but had the biggest mouths. we ended up going to the same schools until 4th grade. at our elementary school anytime someone claimed me as a best friend, he would explain that we went way back to diapers and they weren’t my best friend lmao. 

in pre-k i met a boy named hakeem. (our mom’s ended up being friends, they still talk occasionally and sometimes my mom will tell me how hakeem and his siblings are doing. because she know my weird ass cares about that sort of thing). hakeem brought these lemon cookies everyday for snack. i liked them too but in strawberry, so he would have his mom get me some and he brought me those cookies everyday until we changed schools in first grade. we always sat together, did our work together, played together. we had other friends but we mostly did everything together. 

in first grade i had 2 best friends. a boy named franklyn and a girl named melody. melody moved away like 4 months into the school year but to this day i’ve never forgotten her. franklyn, i thought he was so cool. he was a really great artist.. for a 6 year old lol. he was real funny too. he had the funniest facial expressions. and he was real serious which i was entertained by because i’ve always been “silly”. 

in 4th grade i met a girl named shanelle. we were the shortest girls in the class and the smartest. we were really similar in general and we instantly clicked. it was a whole lil group of girls that i’d known since first grade. but shanelle and i ended up in the same class in 4th grade and we clicked idk. that was my mf girl. when i first moved to florida we talked on the phone every saturday for hours. i also met a boy named anias that year. he was one of my best friends too. he was also my first crush lol. unrelated but it’s interesting to look back at how i handled the fact that i liked him, because i still handle liking people that same way.

fifth grade was my first year in florida. it was real hard for me to make friends. the other day, my mom said to me she realized that in new york i never had to make friends. i have bout 5011 cousins, so that's built in friends right there. and they were my friends back then, they're my friends now. then most of the kids i went to daycare with, they went to my elementary school. so again i never had to make a friend really. i knew everyone in my life since i was a literal infant. 

but yea i did end up making friends eventually. got my first white friends ever lol. (one of their dad’s called me a nigger which is still hands down one of the weirdest things i’ve ever experienced.) i started to befriend more girls which was cool because before then i always had way more guy friends than girls. 

in middle school i went to one school for 6th grade, then another for 7th & 8th. in 6th i met my friend nijah. and she was my best friend then. she treated me like i was her little sister and i’m still grateful. she really looked out for my little ass and defended me no matter what. she was present after i got into my first fight lol. and even though i held my own, the girl had scratched my face. that shit set nijah off and she proceeded to beat homegirl’s ass even though i just did.

i struggled to make friends in 7th again. in 6th grade i went to the same school that most of my elementary friends went to, so again i didn’t have to make friends for real. i did make new friends but it was different because it was a group thing. not me alone trying to fit in somewhere. in 7th grade i finally got into a school i applied to in 5th grade but was wait-listed. i was and am very reluctant to speak to those i don’t know for a list of reasons. so i didn’t. i would just observe the people in my class. eventually these two girls named janae and keely who were best friends, kinda let me stick my ass in there with them. then i met bart and this girl dani. i remember marcus and i had ended up befriending one another bc our history teacher sat us next to each other when he was reassigning seats. (i remember every mf thing but marcus was also my second crush so naturally i remember every detail of that shit). so yea those were my friends. at the time janae was my best friend tho. she was the only other black girl in the class that would talk to me and didn’t think i was weird. it was because her ass was weird too lol. i didn’t act like the rest of the black girls and they really only spoke to me to make fun of me. which i knew, but i’ve never been one to entertain shit unless “you got beat my ass about it”. 

in 8th grade janae and i met this group of girls. morgan, dejahnna, atlantis, and jarvayssia. some shit shifted that year and morgan and dejahanna became my best friends. they were the first friends i ever hang out with outside of school. it made me feel so good to be invited to shit and to feel included. to feel like a normal ass 13 yr old felt amazing. 

so in high school there were two schools all the magnet school kids would usually apply to. stanton and paxon. with the exception of keely, bart, and a few other people i didn't mention here. every single person i was close with in middle school, went to paxon. what's crazy is most of my friends were going for stanton because in jax it’s the “better” school as far as ranking goes. i don't even remember why but when i toured paxon, i liked it more than stanton and i wanted to go there. it’s still funny to me that my ass didn’t want to go to stanton but was one of the only ones in my close friend group to get in. 

so yea at stanton is struggled. a lot. personally but also in the friend department. to put it plainly i had none. people didn't really talk to me or acknowledge me really. at first i didn’t mind it. but then having a fucked up home situation and having no friends just made me feel real shitty. there was that thing again, with people talking to me only to make fun of me. some of those same people would turn around senior year and try to be my friend senior year which was hilarious to me at the time. it was like they forgot how they treated my extra depressed ass back then. i met this girl chelsey in 10th grade and she was hella sweet. she basically forced me on her friends and they became my friends.

okay so anyway, in 11th grade i met a girl named ahmani. she was in my chorus class. i remember our first encounter, it was towards the beginning of the school year. stanton was playing paxon and it was the game everyone went to ya know. i wanted to go but my mom couldn't take me. so everyone is talking about it and someone asked if i was coming. i said no and why, ahmani ended up asking me what side of town i lived on. we realized we dead lived like 7 minutes away from each other. she offered to pick me up and bring me to the game w her. i was amazed that she was willing to, i know that dont sound like a big deal but to me it was. people weren’t nice to me bro. like ever. so for her to do that it meant a lot. she ended up being my ride every mf where. she is dead the reason i hung out w people outside of school w my friends. she took me everywhere with her. sometimes we would just sit in the car and talk or listen to music. we had a group of friends, it was 5 of us. but i was the closest with her. 

i admired her. i thought she was so strong and resilient. she's hella awkward but she owns it. she's low-key/highkey anxious sometimes but she works through it. no one i’ve ever met works harder to achieve shit than she is. she sings so beautifully. she is beautiful. she's a caretaker of basically anyone she knows. she is a light, she was my light for so long when i needed it. we’re pretty different but also a lot alike. we just worked. i always told her where i fall short she picks up my slack and vice versa. we might be a bit of a mess separately but our heads working together is unstoppable. we’re kinda a mess together too honestly but it’s us.

in college we didn't spend as much time together. we both stayed home for two years and went to a community college. we would hang out like weekly i think. i’m pretty sure we saw each other once a week at the very least. but then she went to orlando for university and i went to UNF which in jax. we didn’t talk all that much and i understood. i wasn't necessarily too busy, but thats because i just never am that fucking busy lmfao. idk the way i go through life is weird. i only make time for the shit and people i want to make time for. i refuse to do anything i dont want to. and that isn’t necessarily my best trait but I'm working on it. but yea i guess she was busier than i? idk when i don’t speak to people for a while i dont make a big deal. i tell myself it isn’t on purpose and i move on. i often tell myself not to apply more importance to my life than what is necessary. especially when others are involved. again, not my best trait but i’m working on it. 

so yea though our communication got limited i still considered her my best friend. when she would come to the city, if she had time we hung out. i always have time lmfao, always. again i know other people’s lives are more full than mine. well i assume so. anyway. we spoke on the phone. we were there when the other needed i think. i try hard not to need people. like not to call them or burden them with my issues. i try real hard. but when she needed me i was there. not to say i’ve ever needed her and she wasn’t there. because that isn’t the case at all. 

recently we planned to move to chicago together. a whole chain of events happened and now we aren’t. i’m still moving and i’m pretty sure she is too. just not together. the way it happened is really fucking with me. i don’t wanna get into it bc of privacy and shit. but i will say that i am hurt. im really hurt and im confused and im beating myself up over some shit that everyone keeps telling me isn't my fault. feels like my fault though. that feels like the only explanation. i dont know.

i’ve been thiniking a lot. about friends and how i never really had any. i just spoke to people so i wasn't alone or sometimes i just spoke to no one and made myself be okay with it. and now i have this group of friends and we’re like family. everyone that is my friend currently is my family. all of my friends i have currently i made over the internet. and i was bothered by that im not even gonna lie. it felt good to still have ahmani bc i would see her more than i see my other friends. i still have some i didn't meet yet. idk i just.. im the only person in my like personal life with internet friends. like in my family. and i felt like i just fed the fact that my family thinks im not even the least bit “normal”. then i started to feel bad. because it felt like that meant i was ashamed of my friends.and i’m not. i love them. i dont wanna lose any of them any time soon. and i’m realizing i dont need anyone’s approval to make those friendships “real” or valid. because they are real and valid to me. 

but yea i dont think ahmani and i will be friends anymore. or if we do end up being friends again, we probably won't speak for a while. i don’t know what that means. but losing a friend sucks a whole lot and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

[generallyfeelinggayaboutothers]

im sorry im posting here if you see this. but i cannot say it to you and i need to rubber duck it somewhere. 

i wish i could be okay. i wish i could be okay with it. its been WEEKS of trying to be okay with the new normal without complaint and its been WEEKS of seesawing from ‘managing’ to ‘if i think about it i burst into tears’ i cant talk to amanda about syd without half the time a waiver coming into my voice.

i feel dramatic. i feel pathetic. i feel like a problem. i AM a problem. i am, 100%, and completely entirely aware, that the fact that i am not okay with the new normal, is 100% completely my problem to solve and on me. i cannot expect anything more of anyone. i know that and i understand that from previous talks and thats why im doing this. but literally how can i do that lol i literally dont know how i TELL myself im fine and then i am not again and again and again.

i love that when i say ‘time spent together is like critically massively important to me’ everyone is like ‘oh that makes sense i know that matt, oh they shouldve warned u if something was coming up matt, oh im sorry thats a dick move’ UNTIL ITS THEM. until its them and then im a hassle or like just blow-offable till whenever. and im sorry i know im blaming and i know a strict schedule is a pain but it absolutely was not this way before. it wasnt. it wasnt. i asked for a time and i got EAGER hangouts. i got hangouts for 3-4 hours every other day, where i was the one closing them out a good chunk of the time too. i ask for a time now and its a bet if i’ll get it at all, let alone it being not delayed or forgotten about.

now when i get a hangout its within 20 mins im getting a ‘i can only play for an hour or so’ 'i have some errands’ etc. etc. etc. i get a wrap up time immediately if its not change of plans, an hour late, etc because of whatever else was going on offline. its ‘i want to do x and y’ with you and then not having time for both anyways. its constant reassurances without any follow through that reassures me- because its a horrible cycle. i ask for time, get only part of what i miss, and then i ask for more time soon after because im not satisfied, FEEL like a clingy asshole, and it runs the both of us ragged bc syd is still juggling and im still upset. when dear god all i want is just a morning where we sit and hang out as long as we want even if its a ridiculous time sink, and we’re both chatting and laughing when we leave. ive gotten that, what, once, twice? with handsmaids tale. we did so much more than that. and i just want an evening, One Event, where i am not feeling pushed out by you or outside forces on you for one moment. i just want to feel genuinely satisfied once and not patted on the head. i want to feel like im missed and not just told it. i feel like if i genuinely just had One Saturday or One Monday to myself id fuck off.

i can literally feel that i am a burden now and not a comfort. it kills me. it kills me because i know not being okay with this makes me more of a problem. i wish i could get like a lobotomy or something if it made this stop and made this easy and made me feel okay. it absolutely 100% kills me. even if i am still important, i am not as important as i thought i was, as they are to me, even on a platonic level. EVEN ON A PLATONIC LEVEL. even on a platonic level they are equivalent to an irl person i make plans with, and i am just...so online. I AM SO ONLINE. I HATE FEELING SO ONLINE. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE IT BEFORE AND ITS KILLING ME. i feel it now because even on your bad days we spoke and lads 24/7 and now we dont. when you have a bad day you’re quiet. and like................................ god. oh my god. knowing its my fault.

im heartbroken bc i seemed a critical, needed part of your life until your life started. and now i am watching it fill and grow in places i wanted to be and it just absolutely fucking wrecks me. not in a ‘i want to move in together’. in a ‘i want to remain a part of ur regular schedule, ur thoughts ur plans’ way. in a sometimes that means pearl has to take the backseat way because amanda does for you, because you both matter, sorta way.

and maybe this is all just 100% founded on pearl jealousy. and lack of contact so i get to see none of it, all i see is how you cant fulfill plans with me bc pearls use of the office is more important, or how you constantly have to move because shes in the same room. and i know im only seeing a part. maybe it is false jealousy! i know a good chunk of it is. i try to not. i try to think objectively and in my heart i genuinely want you to be happy, if she is the one i want you to be happy with her. but god none of this was a problem until you lived with her. and youre getting a puppy together. like. the deal is sealed and i need to accept that. i need to be okay with it.

but i cant because as soon as i try to cut feelings, do the same thing, lower ur standing so i can expect less than i expected. like oh my god the dead rotting feeling. i either keep you as close as you are to me, love you as my best friend just as much as always and just kind of ‘this is fine’ dog until....? i stop? until eventually something numbs? something breaks? or i purposefully cut you down to size and

ive broken us. ive broken us completely and ive ruined everything and i dont know what to do. i wish i could take it back but i still would’ve been in hell then.

i fucked up. im sorry.

the worst part about this is every time i have a huge cry about it like this, i feel better afterwards, like i’ve accepted my fate and im feeling way better and i can do this. but this is what. the third? fourth? jag ive had? 

im sorry. 

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[kettlewrites]

thanks for your sweet words ;; sometimes i just cope by crying myself to sleep & when i feel a little bit better i'd cheer myself by reading some fics on tumblr especially social media au cs they're usually funny!! you what makes me sad is its my senior year&ive been dealing with lots of friendship issue, both that i really treasure but ended up being betrayed. so this year i end up closing myself&build walls bcs im afraid of opening up. im always alone at school & its too late to find a clique

♡ 

[cont. below]

so yeah i thought my previous failed friendship could last bcs i genuinely like the momentum of our friendship, its one of kind but then there's always to dislike about me and they always end up making false rumors about me, others will believe them bcs they were close to me. i got afraid to be close with someone&i'd just do my own thing. its sad bcs during senior year i should have fun with my clique and create memories i can look back when i grow up, but its too late i guess everybody knows everybody already, they have their own cliques & tons of inside jokes that i cant relate if i ever force myself to join one so i just decide to go through this year independantly bcs this is my last year and i wont be seeing their faces anymore. i used to be vvvv cheerful & carefree back then before the issues but after all the drama i got trust issue and find myself to be very cautious in everything i do? like there's no freedom and im always afraid of getting hurt it sucks as if friendship issues arent enough to abuse my emotions, life gave me a problematic family. its complicated. my parents are divorce but both of them keep finding issues to argue? the thing is they argue by themselves only its okay, but they ALWAYS involve their children. and it makes me suffer emotionally. I get scared to talk about my probs to them bcs when they are on mood swings they'd always bring back my insecurities&probs to win the argument. i trusted them but all they do is hurt me im sorry for bothering you!!! you did say to lean on you so i made myself comfy in your ask ;; last night i got into a pretty bad argument with my fam so i cried myself to sleep and i wike up at 3am & thats when i found your au!! I read tons of au last night every single one made my night/day(??) it helps me to lift up the burden i had from last night. Thank you for making great aus 💛 even after the argument, nobody asked me if i was alright. im 17 fgs & this been going on since i was 11

:( im so sorry that you are going through all of this honey, it’s really sad to also know you didn’t have anyone to lean on. i understand how it feels to be outcasted and holding back from being your true self. in my three (almost four) years of high school i have lost and gained friends. mainly this year kicked my ass. i had gained new friends and lost friends who were really close to me as i realized how toxic they were (i hadn’t known prior to this year i believed that it was normal) and i know you think you should be making new memories with cliques, but believe me don’t force something that is not there. you’ll make memories no doubt, but don’t try to force it with people because you’ll turn back and remember how miserable you probably were for trying to force it :( fun memories should be raw and candid, that’s why they’re fun memories. and i understand, the false rumors,, just please don’t listen to them you know they aren’t true so why be bothered by them! i know it’s easier said than done, but please know it’ll benefit you in the future. plus it’s your senior year, you won’t ever see these people ever again. you’ll most definitely find a new group of friends in college,, plus to keep friendships that lasted in hs is kind of impractical and most of the time don’t always work out if im being honest. everyone goes their separate ways, no matter how hard you try to keep yourselves together. that’s just life :( and i know trust issues hold you back but know that the right people are on their way to break down your walls and hold you close. you deserve that, everyone does :( and with your parents, i can understand that too,,, my parents are divorced too and for half of my life they spent their times arguing and fighting over me which really messed with my mentality. (they’ve stopped now as they both have their own new separate families) just know that you’ll be out of this mess soon! :( just remember to take care of yourself and have fun in this life,, you only have one so why not live it to your fullest. i know stuff is holding you back, but you’ll never get what you want if you let it so as hard as it is just break your own walls down and let yourself live freely like you used to. it will be so much better for your mentality and health honey :( please stay healthy and safe. i love you so much, if you want to talk to me ever again feel free to message me or just make yourself comfy in my ask box again :’) i’m always here for you!!

[teddy-feathers]

Ive got some issues and all I got was this stupid personality disorder label

Hurting myself isnt an answer.

Substituting physical for emotional pain doesn't work ive tried.

But half the time it seems like its the only way to prove things are tearing me up inside and it matters you know?

People dont take your pain seriosuly if youre not an active danger to yourself and others.

How ever since 2012 - we wont get into the shit in 2011/2010 - i have wrecked my car intentionally at least twice to get out of something,

I have cut my arm open and made up a ridiculous story that everyone bought (and still tell people because it is sort of funny and totally something 'I' would do) because it makes more sense then what really happend - I was trying to get out of a conversation i didnt want to have

I ran away to Pittsburg without a word to anyone because it was the first flight leaving that was going someplace that didn't make sense for me to go

I commited fraud - actually for the second time in my life though this time was much different and kinda a fluke - pulled all my cash, took a bua ride to virgina where I was on the street for two days before finding the homeles shelter

Didn't talk to anyone I knew for over a year with one exception that I dont want to get into

Agreed to come home to a place I didn't want to be, to go to school despite not wanting to because it was the 'right' thing to do

Stopped going to classes no matter how.hard I tried to force myself

While for a while i DID get a shrink I stopped going to see her too even though that did make every thing more bearable

I literally find it unsafe for me to drive because the urge to wreck is constant, with some minor urges to just drive away and never come back

I DID wreck my moms car because I was rushing because going to work is such a trial I will watch the time approach until its too late or almost to late before going despite WANTING to be there

Ive lost my job because I simple stopped going because I couldn't STAND them saying nice things about me when I felt like I was fucking all the things up

At my current job I sometimes do go hide in the bathroom to calm down, or have vauge out days where I'm not really there even though Im there.

Ive been really anxious when I do just about anything except when Im not and then I think I'm just psyching myself out for the attention - even though EVERYTHING in me says ANY attention is bad attention

I basically only want to sleep. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Get up. Dinner time and or shower. Back to sleep.

Only i dont always just sleep sometimes i just lay there very much not present while I scroll through tumblr because its the only medium i dont actually have to focus on.

I dont read or write or doodle or play games or do much of anything because it makes me uncomfortable. I cant focus. Feel guilty. I should be doing xyz. Bored despite really wanting to do this.

I dont talk to my friends much and part of that is the schedule - im up at five so im usually going to bed when people are free or at work.

But honestly I can feel how much time I somehow lose or waste like a sweater thats shrunk in the wash.

I shower only once to twice a week which is about the time I finally notice im gross and realize I have to do something about it or people will care

I know some of my current issue is the season but this isnt a new thing or even a dramatic worsening of the state of affairs in my life.

This is the norm it just feels worse right now.

And that's kind of terrifying.

I have very casual disregard for my wellbeing

Im apathetic or angry or want to die...

I want to suffer in a way that's physical and people care about so I can feel valid and not broken

But i dont want help because nothing is wrong

Im being dramatic

And any attention is bad attention

Because i cant explain yes I'm suffering and this is hard for me why must you go out of your way to make it worse dad - without also feeling like oh I dont tell or show him how im hurting at all and when I do its not in a way that makes him take it seriously and never has he ever changed

And it's not just him though its hard to focus on not being upset at him because every thing I normally DONT deal with comes flooding up whenever something new happens

It's... How I don't need people to treat me like I'm glass. To be sympathetic or sad at me. But itd be nice to be able to call in because I'm too scared to go to work. Or leave early because I can't hold it together this long.

And its terrifying to know that maybe my brain just doesn't handle stress well enough to work a full eight hour shift, or five days straight of work. That it takes a full day to recover from stress and during that time Im basically useless and not going to do much in the way of chores or what not.

And though I will on the second there's also a chance the doldrums will set in and going to work will feel like an impossibility the next day.

I'm not making enough money working what I am. I cant afford to cut back.

Just like I can't afford surviving another car wreck.

Just like going to a mental institute or a hospital because I cut my arm open or stabed myself in the leg or a dozen other things or just decided to draw red lines on my arm with a paring knife because even though it doesnt help it might make me feel like my pain is real even though doing it would instantly invalidate it because its for attention that I dont want not only wouldnt help but would make my life worse.

Im just. Sick of my own bullshit. And even if I could find another shrink I like, I couldnt garentee Id keeping going - hell I dont want to go right now even though I want to - and I sure as hell couldn't afford it.

Im tired of being a burden.

I dont want to be here - I shouldnt be here - and laziness and avoidance of conflict is the only reason I havent worked on going anywhere else.

I do bad on my own. Emotionally and in the taking care of myself department. But I also cant say I'm reliable for any stretch of time. Short bursts yes but not consistantly cause brain likes to avoid and run and panic and fall apart. So it also seems pointless to plan to go anywhere because I'll fuck myself over before too long.

I'm just not okay.

And I'm tired of not being okay.

And I'm upset and emotional and maybe just maybe

If i write enough of this down Ill drown it out in the senseless rambling of my own thoughts.

[swaggy-boy222]

I feel guilty for not being over Linh I feel like ing holding her back from being happy cuz shes blaming herself for my mental state but she doesn't realize I've had these issues my whole life. no normal person is this fucked up after a break up. no normal person has daily suicidal thoughts even on their best days. I am not okay, I have never been okay. I am hopeless and helpless. I was codependent on linh because I thought she was saving my life. I met I her and I felt so happy I fell into a deep dark hole because I didn't think I was worthy of feeling happy. I tried to kill myslef and she was there when I got out. that was the only time the hospital ever helped me because I had someone waiting for me when I got out but the only thing that made me happy was making her happy. I don't know how to make myself happy. when I make mistakes I hate myself more than any normal person would. when I disappoint someone I want to end my life. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough. I relive my trauma every time something bad happens to me I don't know how to make it stop. im binging these drugs every night in hopes that ill pass in my sleep and feeling disappointed and sad every morning when I wake up and. cant even hurt myself cuz linh will blame herself. I regret ever involving her in my life. if anything ever happens to me shell blame herself for life, I feel like ill never be free. I have all these issues im dealing with all alone now and theyre eating me up alive. im desperate to escape them but by doing so im hurting everyone in my life and making their lives harder only leading to more guilt. I regret involving anyone in my business. I wish I could cut them all off without worrying anyone, I wish I could explain that my life is hard and me trying to leave this life has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I hate myself. I am pathetic and useless, I disappoint my parents I burden all the people I care about and I bring nothing to the table minus drama and excuses for why im not healing when I should be but I don't know why either. I want to escape I want to be no more, I wish my gun had bullets so I could shoot myself and get it over with without having all that time to overthink. my biggest concern is linh, I don't want her to blame herself or let random strangers blame her cuz I know shell believe them. I know Cristy won't have an outlet and I know kin will fall into my same habits. I know Prabh will blame herself for not doing more and pagan will fall low, my family will blame each other and become a bigger mess. I know all of that and thats not something I want but I am suffering. I am hurting. I want to escape im hurting im hurting im hurting. nothing will change, nothing will get better. im stuck here. i wish they all hated me enough to want my to die that would make this so much easier, i know the only reason i’m even living is for them cuz if it were up to me i’d be dead a long time ago, my purpose was to make ppl happy and without that i am nothing. i have no reason to be here. i wish i could stop them from caring and just kill myself already. i know i sound ungrateful for crying over having people who love me but it’s hard to feel worthy of that. i feel like all i do is burden everyone who walks into my life until they’re so unhappy they have to leave. i hate my dad for leaving me with these abandonment issues i wish i comfortable with people leaving me. i am not deserving of anything good ):

[canarhys]

Honestly, after his life and death, Leo would absolutely be traumatized.

The dude died and he said it was the worst experience he felt in his life. Like hell he’d get over it easily:

he was so used to heat, but for once in his life, he actually felt like his insides were churning from the inside out

this led him using his fire powers less than he already did

he even begins to be afraid of fire, the one thing he’s immune to

also he gets easily scared by loud noises

he nearly becomes deaf because of the experience, and when his friends talk to him they had to repeat what they said several times

but after his hearing heals, he still remembers the loud bomb of the explosion and was forever scarred

he cant even handle balloons popping without screaming

everyone makes sure not to scare him with loud sounds

he just works on quiet projects since he cant handle loud noises anymore

he also has a great fear of explosions

whenever it’s chariot racing time he sits alone with festus in bunker nine because he cant handle the bombs and crashes

one time there was an explosion in the forges and he had to be calmed down by everyone

or in the alternative: he becomes deaf

he cant hear the sweet banging in the forges or the voices of his best friends

all he hears is just SILENCE and it’s horrible

his friends use sign language until he learns how to read lips

he works to make his own ear aid

he also lost his own left arm in the explosion

although he easily made his own prosthetic

however he worries that maybe he’s cheating when he makes or repairs new machines because of his new arm

everyone doesn’t let him think that way and says its because of his brilliant mind that he created so many beauties

he cant handle things staying still for too long

he goes to sleep late and wakes up so early since he hates having dreams or just plain darkness

he’s not as loud or joyous as he was before

he’s still afraid

at first he’s quiet and paranoid, still shivering from death’s cold touch

he becomes afraid of death

he hardly went on quests or even participated in normal camp activities

he doesn’t like hearing rumors or actual news about someone dying

after the war and especially after his death, he suffered more immensely from PTSD, BPD, dependent personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and even PPD

he touches his scars at night that reminded him of his abusive foster homes, life on the streets, and the whole quest thing

i forgot to mention, but he also has a few burn marks for some weird reason - probably a punishment for cheating death

every time he looks at them he just curls up into his bed and cries

also as a headcanon, as punishment for cheating death due to Asclepius resurrecting him, he gets sent to tartarus

after that shit, he hardly smiled

he hates going out into the mortal world but he also hates staying copped up in camp half-blood

hes at that point where he just wants to drown and disappear

especially when during his death he thought he heard his mama call out to him

it broke him

he wakes up every night, whimpering and calling out to his mom and saying sorry

hes still not over her death and still thinks he killed her

I feel like ya’ll are sad by now, but fear not:

finally he’s so fucking done with everything, with the war and monsters and the voices inside his head

he could still hear gaea in his head and it makes him scream

so he decides to run away

he packs his shit and everything and leaves - or, tries to

turns out nico’s there nearby thalia’s tree and stops him

leo tries to get past him but nico knows what he’s doing and tries to help him but leo is just pushing and screaming at him to leave him alone

nico’s only saying comforting words and holding to his hand with no force but leo even goes as far to try to punch him

after what seemed like hours leo finally calmed down and slowly sat in front of the pine tree and nico sits next to him while the latino boy cries

leo finally spills

he starts talking/signing about everything he’s been feeling and experiencing ever since he came back from the dead

about how much he wants his mom back and he hates his dad to leave him on the streets and the stupid gods for making life so fucking difficult

he’s at a crossroads where he wants to die but he’s afraid of death and it just makes him feel so alone and insecure and he just cries until his throat is raspy and his eyes are incredibly puffy and red

nico’s crying too

suddenly, he’s shocked when nico talks/signs about how his life was messed up too

he’s still horrified at bianca’s death and blames percy so much and he’s still not over his crush on him

like he hates him but he idolizes him, and its tearing him apart

he just wants a normal love life but instead he got unrequited love and it slowly tore him apart to where he became even more cold and quiet

and then he talks about how his life on the streets were too, how he hates how his father kept secrets from him, how bianca left him more than once times, how his trek in tartarus left him with scars and intense nightmares

he’s afraid of death too

and he knows how leo feels, to be trapped and sorrowed by our own lives and dreams

but he stopped running away

he tells leo that his friends are here for him, even though it must not seem like it

hes felt what leo’s felt and refuses to let him deal with it alone

he knows leo’s still paranoid about being left out as the seventh wheel and says that without the seventh wheel the car wouldn’t be what it was today

he dealt with his pain alone and it ended with him feeling like an outcast, so he cant leave leo to take it on himself by running away like he did

and he makes a promise on the river styx that he’ll help him

leo’s just quiet and aghast

then silent tears come down his face, relieved that he isn’t alone in this world

that he doesn’t have to be only one to carry his burden

he asks nico if hes alright with helping someone as miserable as him, and nico nods, saying he didn’t make a styx promise for nothing

and even if leo still has horrible nightmares or anxieties or if he even goes insane, he’ll stay with him

and leo for once feels at ease

he lays his head on nico’s shoulder and for once hes at peace

nico doesn’t mind

after that, leo slowly recovers

hes not okay but hes getting better

he finally got a hearing aid and almost cried of joy when he could hear everything / he starts to talk a bit louder and isn’t as scared as he was with loud sounds

his nightmares and visions and voices are still there but he talks about them with nico and his best friends

he still has several disorders and is far from getting over them but luckily he has people behind his back

he gives prosthetics and other useful items to disabled kids in camp

he hangs out with his friends a lot more and actually laughs for the first time in a few months

he joins the rest of the seven + nico and reyna to talk about happier times before and after the quest

he sometimes talks with chiron about his problems since the old man is loving and kind and deserves more respect

he even finds new friends that he never thought would happen (thalia, drew, will, the stolls, clarisse, etc)

him and nico never actually talked before the little half-blood hill thing, but afterwards they started to get to know each other better

they talked about their problems and interests and everything that happened in their lives

leo never felt this kind of feeling of freedom and hope and love with anyone

eventually after several years they got together and honestly they couldn’t be happier

finally, leo and his mom

his wonderwall let him have a small, limited talk with her and leo was incredibly anxious

so nico summons her and its the most heartbreaking event ever

leo tries to hug her and esperanza tries too but they realize theyre in different worlds whoops

so they just express their deep love and missing each other, and leo talks about everything thats happened and even talks about how he blamed himself for her death

esperanza doesn’t let him think that

she tells him he was the best gift to her in her whole existence, and she wants him to always remember her - but not kill himself for her

she wants him to be happy, and she wants him to always remember her existence

and leo feels so much weight lifted from his chest

leo might have illusions and dreams and visions and voices and disorders that still horrify him

but he also has an amazing soulmate, great friends that are with him forever, a loving mother, and a bunch of demigods who share his pain and will be with him till the end

his life isn’t perfect

but its still beautiful

You all can add more!