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lifeofagirlnameddan · 4 months

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This Life (Prt 4)

August came and we both enrolled for a volleyball camp in school. On the end of the first day, he and I were waiting for my ride home. He'll be visiting my house for the first time. He ate lunch with us here at home, and we built some gundams (He bought it for me but I had no clue on how to build it) Soon he had to leave, so I walked him down the stairs... We stopped at the middle of the stairway, I gave him a hug as I said goodbye, I'll see him after the next day, and right before that... he leans us against the wall, inches apart... closing the gap.... for only a split second! That was my first kiss! And I honestly loved it... It was so soft...so quick and the feeling was electrifying. I walked him out the gate unable to look him in the eyes, for every time we looked at each other our faces plastered with two huge goofy ass grins. He left and I ran back to my room squealing. Right after that the next time I saw him, kisses were now unlocked and that move is clearly a favorite. After August, school was starting once again. But there was an event, a school anniversary fair, so I invited him and we attended it on a weekend. It was fun, we ate, saw friends, and we did...kiss a lot more too, and we went out to eat ramen. He and I were having a blast, but for some reason a pang of guilt hit me as I never told my family about this... Knowing my mothers refusal to any relationship, I told S about my concerns, deciding if we were to break it off amidst the happiness. I was going to...but then I stopped, I didn't go through with it because I wanted to be happy with him and I deluded that perhaps mom will understand and let me have this? Besides it was his birthday the next week so it would be cruel to do that to him! By his birthday we went out with his friends, I only came for a moment but it was worth it while it lasted. I met his mother, I fumbled a bit since I wasn't wearing my glasses I didn't recognize her face so it may have seemed like I was ignoring her. I wanted to clear that up so badly. Eventually October and November came, and we would meet through hangouts with our other friends, go on double dates with his best friend and his gf. By a week before Christmas I invited S and another friend of mine (CC) to bake cookies together. Oh it was fun, being a little sneaky with S in my home, hiding away from my little sister and little cousins. And it was all fun and games really, we played Monopoly and had a lightsaber battle. CC left early and S stayed until 11pm. Often times, when he's free or around the area, S would come to visit my house and bring me gifts. Honestly he is so sweet. I gave him a jacket, pins, stickers, a sword, a plushie, and other hand crafted things. He'd bring me candies and snacks when I least expect it. He'd visit me in school as well, although I have to race down against his group of friends. Honestly dating him was like sharing him with the boys HAHAH. His friends are amazing, they've got genuine personality, deranged, insane, fun and drama-free. I find myself naturally accepted by them, me and all our friends combined makes just a big group of people who like and share similar interests, love of food, and harmonized interactions. I was so lucky to have met S, so lucky that I haven't felt depressed in so long, I learned to love without being so needy and I learned to put myself first and make boundaries even in a relationship. S helped me love my country, love my life and wanted to work hard for my future. And S told me that being with me brought back the light in his eyes, and his friends would say he's become a better person ever since then and I honestly have fallen in love with him...

January came, I didn't think we'd see each other at the start of 2024. But he showed up January 3, at my house to greet me. Honestly how dedicated are you???? We went on a date a few days after. I had my school sports fest at an arena far off, at first I didn't want to join but I heard S was going (Why? Even if he's no longer a student, it has perks to have a younger brother who is still in the same school as me) So when I heard he was attending, I showed up last minute to surprise him. Honestly I thought he was mad at me! He refused to look at me and talk to me after I surprised him, I became salty...Turns out he was just trying to contain his excitement...

February, my birthday, He showed up a week before to see me. Then my plans for my 18th birthday was to go on a trip with friends, an overnight at a mountain resort. It was an amazing experience, he was amazing, and it was so fun. We went on a sky bike together, crossed a bridge, went swimming, went on a sky swing together... Then we played video games, card games, ate lots of food, and his mom and dad treated me to dinner. (The only thing I wish didn't happen that time was me falling off a roof as the first time for me to meet his dad...) The day was so fun...and at night... well we'll skip that blissful night's details... By the next day we had one last activity before we leave, I rode in his van apart from my family, I fell asleep on him.. ehe...

March and April consisted of movie and mall dates, it was getting harder since our school requirements were piling up....

May 2, 2024

I went out to meet S in a cafe, it was a quick meet just wanting to catch up... We had a date set for the next day... As I left he gave me a kiss and kissed my cheek goodbye, something felt off this month...

May 3, 2024

I knew it, my mother found out about us and told me to come home. I'm not allowed to go out or commute anymore, and she'll be driving me in and out of school again... She spoke to me about it, she's not against S himself, she just said it wasn't the right time... She told me he was a good person and that I should keep him as a friend, but I should stop the relationship. Oh how I cried... I miss him... I love him, how can I break his heart like this? I followed her either way, and S understood... it took us a day of crying to talk again, he said we'll stay friends and that he doesn't resent me for this and that he's willing to wait. I love him for that, I'll wait for him as well. Up until now we have still been talking to each other daily, the only thing that every stopped was the affectionate words, physical touch and random gifts.

May 23, 2024

My my, it the present already... It's been my finals week and I have been stressing out my life, but S has still been there all this time. I'll see him tomorrow, we're going out with our friends for the first time in so long now to watch the Haikyuu: Dumpster Battle at the cinemas. This loop in life... is it different now? Is S the path going straightforward? I'm not just going in circles am I?

this is the update of the life of a girl named dan...

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lifeofagirlnameddan · 4 months

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This Life (prt 3)

those times were fun, I wish I could go back to that con honestly... After that our schedules became busy because we had exams week right after. S and I would study with our group of friends in the library. Oh we don't sit beside each other, but we did sit in front of each other and normally our eyes would be glued to the tables and papers and notes as we study. But there was a time I felt his hand brush mine, I look down the table...he's challenging me in thumb wrestling... so okay, thumb wrestle under the table we did. I won but he wouldn't let go...I tried to pull away gently but his grip didn't loosen. We stayed like that for a while, our hands just holding under the table as we study... Until it was time for us to go we'd leave and pull our hands away acting as if none of it ever happened. As we get home, S would call me up to play Genshin. He lost his account and needed my help, so sure I helped him out... We played almost everyday after school, called each other every other day... texting each other, sending reels and photos and rambles. It was really fun honestly. I felt so at ease with S, I feel like I've found a really good friend in my life and someone I can be my true self around. He understands me, he listens to me and he hugs me and lets me play with his hair, he would let me lean and sleep on him every time I had a head ache at school. He was the most genuine and sincere and caring person I've been with in all my school life. One night while we were calling we were reminiscing on the Con that we attended. And we would do random question and answers with each other... One time he asked if I believed in second chances, and I said yeah. I asked him if he did, he said yeah. We stayed silent for a moment and I suddenly said something silly, something like... You know, I would confess to you if I could, I meant it as a silly thought and thinking he didn't hear me, he spoke out and asked why dont I do it? In the heat of the moment, I told him... S...i like you. And S said he did too... Oh and it was pure bliss from then on. We would see each other in school and I would blush and walk away, and he would come over to me and chat with me and we would talk and hug and sit at the staircase and be together. We haven't really placed a label on it yet, but as we were hugging at the staircase he said he was fighting his intrusive thoughts to choke hold me again as a joke, I told him I was fighting my own thoughts too. I think he thought I was going to fight him or something so he told me to just do it. Without a moment to lose I leaned up and kissed his cheek and DAMMIT EVEN WRITING THIS AND REMEMBERING IT ALL IS MAKNG ME FEEL THINGS AHHHH He was so red, hugged me and kissed my cheeks as well. At this point it was puppy love. Soon after our school year was ending and we were preparing for the moving up ceremony, we had to do a play (HSM: We're All in this Together--I played a teacher, a cheerleader and a baller so I had to change from a fancy shawl and glasses to a white top and mini red skirt and then to a jersey) I think he liked the outfits I wore whoops-- At least he was honest haha. We got closer there too, but since we were entering SHS it was going to be different. Before the ceremony S tells me its possible that he's moving schools and is moving to a university. Of course I was quite upset, we just got together and now he's leaving?? Well that was fine, he promised we'd see each other every month, and chat each other everyday, play games and video call still. He kept those promises, As we ended the school year at June, he and I saw each other again the next month for a friends birthday celebration to go ice skating. It was so fun honestly, He took me on the ice bear seat and went really fast and went drifting! I skated off on my own and he quickly followed but ended up crashing into me. Both of us fell and I realized... his pants ripped open! Honestly it's still one of my favorite memories. He's a bit shy about it whenever I mention it still.

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lifeofagirlnameddan · 4 months

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This Life (Prt 2)

(I've reached my word limits whoops) So where was I? Ah yes, so I said my goodbyes and asked Cat for one last favor. If he could contact my cousin to let her know I was at the park waiting for her. After that she found me and I broke down in her arms, I gave the man back his phone and thanked him for bringing me to my cousin. (by the way same one I've been mentioning all this time) She took me back to her place and we explained to her parents (Leaving out the fact that I rode a motorbike and had a grab driver drive me here, they all still believe I walked all the way there and got through the security guards of the subdivision) They took me in and told my dad what happened, my dad then told my mom where I was... I refused to go home so I stayed in their house for almost a month. I was getting quite used to living with her... But mom called me back home despite me not wanting to. I felt ashamed, unloved, and all that shmuck. Anyway she still came to get me and I was brought home, we spoke and cleared things up. Oh yes I am still in trouble. But she forgave me anyway. It was a very constant reminder that...She as a mother forgives me despite the fact I've done this multiple times, its always a guy! But I did my best to make it up to her and win her trust back. Six months passed and I still haven't reached out to anyone, I wanted to continue writing my stories so I did, I was in my google docs and...I kind of missed talking to my friends J and A (A is a girl I've been friends with since 4th grade all the way to grade 6, then I left for homeschool right? Well as soon as we turned grade 8 She followed along and went homeschooling, there was a time that I couldn't handle J's art requests so I referred him to A and my cousin, the four of us clicked and we've been friends ever since) But I wasn't able to talk to them after the whole problem right? So my cousin became my messenger, I'd send her emails and messages to relay to J and A, until we decided to just lay it all out on a google docs, I was in my Harry Potter phase that time so I joked about my cousin being my owl, and the google docs sheet as the Owl inventories... That name stuck ever since. We would chat there, IN GDOCS! and we would write stories together and all that. Soon after I was allowed a phone a g a i n, this time I can be trusted! I spoke to my friends in Instagram, (We call ourselves the Owls!) then we got to making a discord server, and eventually we all just grew closer and closer, It seemed like life is brighter now in a way... 2022 was ending soon, and my mom wanted me to go back to a regular school before senior high, so grade 10 I enrolled in a school that... I attended when I was 4 years old from Nursery until 2nd grade (Context I've been to 3 schools in all my life so far. 1st school was Nursery to 2nd grade, 2nd school was 3rd to 6th grade, Homeschool 7th-9th and then going back to the 1st school for grade 10) So I did, and you'll never guess what happened after...

July 2022

Before school started (It starts September) I joined a free workshop lyrics writing class, there I met Teacher R. He was a kind old teacher whose been teaching there for years (Actually they said he was my old music teacher but I dont remember him at all) In that class was my one other face to face classmate, F. At first I thought F was a teacher, nevermind he was a 12th grader! Not only that he was the Student Council President, Class President and Top student! So wow I thought, I get to meet and be friends with someone who would give me advantage to adjust in this school life again hooray...I thought we were equal when it came to music...nevermind he played ukulele, guitar, he can sing...and play the piano! When he played the piano my competitiveness arose, and I asked who taught him... It was none other than Teacher R! So I asked him to be my teacher, and I took up piano lessons, so starting every Tuesdays and Thursdays after class, I'll head down to the school's piano room for my piano lessons...

Sept2022-2023

I return to my old school, wow did it look familiar at the same time all so different! When did they install an elevator?! I thought wow cool, I'm probably gonna like it here, I found out that some of my old friends I've known since what--diapers? Nursery! Were still there, most of them were still there and only a few unfamiliar faces. I was a returnee student so some of them knew me and some didn't, There was also a new girl who enrolled along with me, Y. She's a Japanese girl who came to our country to study English. Problem is... This school require students to study CHINESE. Me and Y became classmates for our Chinese classes, with that we became good friends. After Chinese class I would go down to the piano room and she would follow along and hang around while I'm learning. A few days of that happened and eventually another girl approaches me, she's Cz. She became a really good friend to me and honestly I love her. The piano room soon filled with more new friends, the most frequent one who tend to make it their routine to join me as I take my piano lessons was Y, Cz, S, Rat, and Ax. Oh they were such fun friends but there was a growing problem... I started becoming really close with S... thats bad, i denied anything and said oh of course we're just friends (We were....WE ARE! Its just theres a bit of something?) And the problem was... Cz also started to like S! SO OH NO-- Two for one is not a good deal guys... So many problems happened but me and Cz never fought, we would give away our desires and would step back for the sake of the others happiness. S on the other hand was confused. S liked me (i didn't know that) and I liked S. We hung out together in a mall (Was it a date--) after that I didn't feel like it was working and Ax was just putting thoughts in my head that confused me all the more... So I distanced myself and Cz confessed to S... Confused, S confessed back to Cz and they became mu. They didn't date, but it was painful to see them so close together before... Eventually Cz realized she didn't like guys who liked her back (Red flag behavior but I love her back off, I'll protect her with my life) And we all took time to sort things out, eventually Me and S became friends again and got closer and closer, bonding over cosplay and anime and we planned to go to a con with a group of friends. So we did. We went to the con and we've been establishing that no feelings, just friends, just friends and nothing else... That con is a curse. The place was crowded, the lines were long, the sun was shining and it was really hot. From the lines the sun hit my eyes...ah...S gave me his jacket to cover my head... Okay thanks... As the line moves we were getting tired standing for hours to get in, S leaned on my backpack... his arms draped around my shoulders, (was I blushing or its just the heat) We got in and we stayed to watch a valorant match. Ah oh no... we got separated from our group of friends, we push our way through the crowds...I hold on to his backpack. It's really hard to do navigate this way... He took my hand and said it's just so we won't get lost. Ah so our friends are on the second level of the building, and there is only two escalators on each side, and both have really...really...really...long lines. So we stayed lining up, tired so tired... He was basically hugging my neck as he leans on me, oh my mind was racing indeed. we're just friends, we're just friends, we're just friends,we're just friends... In my head I would fight my battles, everytime his hand brushed my shoulder I would ask him what is he doing? You know what he'd do? (He's an MMA enthusiast, He loves to box, wrestle, sword fight, do martial arts and stuff) He'd CHOKE HOLD ME JOKINGLY Like I will bite your arm if you do that one more time! We're such goofy friends, I liked our dynamic, we understand one another... I like his personality... His laugh... everytime he would geek out and ramble on about robots, swords, video games and anime I just couldn't help but listen and find him interesting.

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lifeofagirlnameddan · 4 months

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This Life

2019-2024 Did you ever find yourself trapped in a loop? Perhaps in ways you don't expect. Dan did. She never realized that she was trapped in a loop of love, pain, abandonment and loneliness.

Grade 6:

Was it real friends? I see everyday and find ways to make sure we have something to talk about so they dont find me boring. I fought a lot with others, I liked a boy who always asked me for help and advice when it comes to two things: His homework, and the girls he's pursuing. I got influenced into many things, got into trouble many times. Was I an introvert? A shy girl? I called myself a loser, a geek, whatever (Hah I was a theater kid if you get my reference.) Being that I am, I got exposed online-- in a bad way. I learned things I shouldn't be learning, and I was talking to people online where I shouldn't have been at that age. There was someone I met online, he understood my musical references and without thinking I joked that I've found my "soulmate". Boy was I stupid. While crushing on a classmate, I kept up my chats with this online friend. Oh it was getting bad... Chat me up, all day, all night. It was fun, I was being sneaky. Oh calls and video calls, voice message and more. Then he starts asking for pictures... Pictures Pictures Pictures. Ah so wrong what have I done? Not just that but a friend of mine was a very bad influence, I am not so sure what he was-- A friend? An enemy? I can't tell. I should have stopped myself, but oh how I liked the attention? May 14, 2019

It was class crush's birthday, it's summer and I just woke up. Oh no- mom drags me out my bed, shoves my phone to my face. The fear plastered on my face! She slaps my cheek, throws the phone to the window (I'm shocked it didn't break!) Ah bad bad bad time, she found out about Online boy. It was for the best. We didn't even love each other lol, he just asked for pictures and I...was a desperate child who wanted attention.

New Life: Mom took me out of that school, removed all my socials, and cut me out of society.

Grade 7: Starting my highschool life in homeschool

Ah it was fine, I had my own schedule. I was doing fine, I became a better student. I'm okay with this life... I have no teachers and classmates though, it was just me and the professors in the pre-recorded videos. My desk and my laptop and...Google (ahaha). Oh my, I'm lonely... But oh hey, I learned about Quotev, Ao3, and Wattpad...! Oh no. Here we go? I read, and read and read and read and read and read! This is my life now... I started hoarding books~ With that, I got into role play--(we all go through this dont act like im a weirdo) And I fell in love...with writing. I started working on an idea that based on a What If question I had at one of the sleepovers I had with my cousin (She made me watch animes and we role played together and wrote different short stories)

2020-2021

Grade 8-Grade 9: No friends like Fiction, Am I right?

I forgot how to be human, oh if you all could see... Long hair, glasses, dark clothes, nose stuck in a book, no sleep at all-- From the morning I studied and studied, at night I read til bed. Did I enjoy it? Yes. But at the present now, it is only a feeling. I don't recall what I read, I don't even remember what my brain rots were about! I continued my story ideas, brainstorming with my cousin actively (Oh which reminds me. Since I had no phone nor any socials, I chatted her through emails, hangouts, skype and pinterest--Ikr those were desperate times if I had no phone...) So yeah, we continued that story...Thats one year of working on it and it seemed pretty good. Life was okay like this...

Okay not really, so I mentioned I was into role play and that I would chat my cousin on pinterest. I was finally trusted to have a phone again but no socials still. But since I had pinterest...That meant I found someone to role play with me in that app... Goodness i'm stupid! So sneaky once again, a little bit of role play getting a little twisted and wrong in so many ways. Ah here's the shocker, I was talking to a GIRL! Oh this was the start... Of so many more problems. My mom found out about this one and once again, no phone (wahhh TT) But it was only for about what two? three...no four? I think six months yes. So how did I message my cousin? Well this was the time of the pandemic and jobs were hard to find... My dad took up a delivery job! So I wrote letters to her and had it sent weekly--It was creative and fun to do so. We traded books and wrote updates on our lives. I miss her. Back to topic, I can NOT be trusted with a phone haha. But I was anyway... and oh... no no, Homeschool was fun and all but I'm always alone. My family realized that and forced me to join christmas parties, camps and clubs and gathering... Nothing amusing for me I meet people, I laugh, they think I made a friend...I never speak to them again. Funny right? Anyway I joined an art club from my school which was online, that and a Writers Guild. The art community is in a group chat so guess what... My phone was given back to me, there I met a friend (Lets call him J) He requests collaborations with me and I was always happy to help a fellow artist. Oh yes don't worry, J is a good fellow and is still a very present and active friend to me right now. But there was a time that J invited me to join his discord server (ah yes my cousin introduced me to Discord) So I did join J's server full of other homeschool artists, it seems that it was a DnD role play group and he wanted us artists to play some roles! Oh sure of course, I agreed. I met his friend. (Lets call him Cat) Cat and I did not get along, oh no we started off quite weirdly. But oddly enough that feisty banters we have lead to something... Aha you see where I'm going? Yes Stupid once again was I! We knew each other for what...A year? after that stuff happened and...we got together and lasted...three months.

May 2, 2022

Ah it was a Sunday I'll never forget. I had a meeting with J and Cat online, J had some concerns he wanted to address. Ah...He felt like we shouldn't be together because he fears of the worst outcome for his friends... I didn't listen to him... I didn't...when I should have!!! I was supposed to continue the meeting but then my mom took my phone! (ARGH for the best but I hated it when it was so random and snoopy) She found out about me and Cat... aha again? Okay, again. But it gets worse. Oh it was a fight, she took my phone again and I stayed crying in my room until lunch time. She refused to see me, okay so in a whirl of emotions what did I do...? I was dumb so so dumb. I put on my slippers, grabbed the nearest bag and left. I ran away. (Worst case scenario, this is during Covid. I was in my pajamas, and I was wearing nothing but my bra inside my sweater. Oh and the bag I took? It had no money, nothing inside except... My old Harry Potter figurines! I had my smart watch on but it was dying!) So yes, I ran away. I walked and walked thinking, where should I go? So I walked headed towards a tower from my view, okay I'm almost there, I took an overpass and got lost. Hmmm, I planned to take a bus, oh but I have no money... Two men approached me. Oh shit. Oh they're trying to help me because Idfk where I'm going! They're asking for my destination, I say where, and one of them took their helmet, gave it to me, and gave me a ride on his motorbike. (First time to ride one by the way) I got to where I was headed, he asked me why am I headed there? I need a lie! I said I was going to meet my dad there. So he left me at the place of which I asked. As he left, I planned to cross the road, my next destination? Well my old house (Not exactly but the subdivision there, maybe I can stay at the park?) Oh but I was inexperienced, I was going to cross a main road! Right as I was about to cross a bunch of guards called out to me, told me what I'm doing would get me killed if I took another step. They lead me to an underpass. So I took that. I crossed the underpass and headed towards the place I wanted to go. Still so many problems... It was hot, I was wearing a sweater (again I can't remove it bcs I wasn't wearing a shirt under) and I didn't eat lunch, didn't have any water, and have been wandering aimlessly throughout. I was close now about....another 6-7 kilometers or so... I was stupid to think I'd reach it without passing out. I staggered as I walked, I hit a tree and a long branch fell on my head. I used it as a cane I guess. Then another man showed up, called out to me, I ignored him. He tried to give me money, I felt guilty so I refused. He tried to let me let him help me. (Wow tongue twister-I could word that better) Eventually I realized this man is a grab driver... Okay I took his offer to drive me, he offered to buy me lunch and so I ate a Mcdonalds meal. At first he asked me where I was headed. Panicked and not wanting him to know I said the address of my old school from 6th grade, which was nearby. He took me there and then asked me again. Where am I really supposed to go? Ah shoot he caught me, So I gave in. I told him to take me to a subdivision (my old place), He asked me, Why? I said I'm looking for my dad. And he told me he thought I was a foreigner, and asked for my name, and If I could understand him. Oh he fed my cover, so sure I said I was from another country, I said I was looking for my dad, and that when he asked for my name I panicked again inside my head, I saw a bike pass by with a plate number with the letters "XIAN" and so I told him my name was Xian. He took me to the subdivision, and left me at the park... Ah but he wouldn't leave me alone! He followed me even as I got out the car... goodness! He parked and came out again, he asked if I was okay, and in desperation I was walking in circles around my cousin's house (we were neighbors). So I asked him if I could borrow his phone, and he did, I messaged Cat, said my explanation and my situation, said my goodbyes and asked for one last favor.

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