#i feel really really really shitty and guilty and even if im right im still the one feeling like trash and crying rn

[miya-rin]

“what the fuck do you two think youre doing?”

shit, you think, you didnt notice the balcony door had been slid open until you heard the voice of one of your brothers. you start to pull away from suna’s lips which earns you a small whine from his end, his grip tightens around you and honestly its quite cute the way he is trying so hard to savour the moment. “come back later, we’re kinda busy.” the boy mutters before trying to move your face away from the distraction so that he can kiss you once more.

“suna you get your hands off of her right now, i dont give a fuck that its your birthday.” osamu pipes up, he looks furious and a little bit disgusted, if it hadnt been for the situation youre in right now you would think its kind of funny.

“samu lay off him, it was a mutual agreement, im just as guilty as he is ok?” that does not seem to help the boys understand, if anything they seem even more angry with you both.

“what the fuck do you mean it was a mutual agreement? are you two hooking up or something? yn he just turned 18 a few hours ago are you forgetting that?” atsumu says, he is rambling on with every excuse he can think of as to why this is “so wrong”, from the corner of your eye you can see suna trying so very hard to hide the grin that is creeping its way onto his face, his hands still all over you despite the fact that you arent alone anymore.

“listen, it was his birthday wish ok? i swear it didn’t mean anything,” sunas grip begins to loosen ever so slightly, “i just though it would get him off my back and get him over his little crush on me.” suna’s facial expression shifts but you choose to ignore it, you have bigger problems to deal with at the moment.

“no this is not ok, how would you feel if me or samu kissed one of your friends because it was their birthday wish?”

“that’s different, why would my friends want to kiss either of you?”

“excuse me? ill have you know that many women want to kiss me! and dont think youre getting off the hook either suna, ill make sure you never-“ you dont even want to hear the threat that is about to come out of his mouth, you just want to get out of this shitty situation.

“boys please, just give us five minutes to talk and then we will be back inside ok? i promise.” your efforts to plead with your brothers finally work.

“…fine,” atsumu mumbles, “but this better be a one time thing. im not gonna deal with you two being all lovey dovey around me.” and with that he lightly tugs on osamu’s sleeve, signalling him to walk back inside and continue the party. he closes the balcony door but not before bringing two fingers up to his eyes and then pointing them at the two of you. its a warning.

you turn back to suna and notice the sad look on his face - he looks kinda cute like this, “so, what do-“.

“did you really mean what you just said to them?” the poor boy looks heartbroken, after waiting three years to finally have a chance with the girl he loves wants the moment is ruined like that? “did you actually just do that so i would leave you alone?” his hands fully leave your body now and he takes a step back to put some distance between you two.

“well i mean sort of yeah… ive never looked at you in any way other than my brothers best friend if im going to be honest, i dont know if thats because of the age difference or what but ive never thought we could be anything.” the look of hurt is prominent on his face no matter how hard he tries to hide it, normally playful banter would have been thrown back and forth between the two of you but rintarou just stays silent, an indication that youve fucked up.

“listen suna i dont know what you want me to say, i wasnt really thinking when i said that to atsumu it just came out. i am 4 years older than you and many people would not approve of us if i decided to give you a chance.”

“who cares? i could treat you so right if you would just let me. i have waited entirely too long for this moment, all im asking for is one date.”

“you said that about the kiss too, one thing is never enough with you is it? you always need more.” a playful smile creeps onto your face which is outshined by the one on sunas, he knows that your smile means that you agree to go on a date with him.

“i really hope you arent fucking with me right now, that would be so cruel, especially on my birthday.”

“oh give the birthday excuse a rest now will you? you dont need to keep on at me you have already got what you want.”

“mhm i absolutely have,” he walks closer and once again wraps his arms around you, placing a hand under your jawbone to make you look up at him, “and i couldnt be happier.” he states as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss once more <3

[lorryicious]

I dont think Bill would feel guilty about killing his parents, which might be the only thing hes ever actually felt guilty about, if they had been shitty.

I absolutely don't think Bill's parents were entirely shitty, or Bill ACTUALLY resenting his dad. It's super complicated. Because relationships with parents are complex in real life. They could have had evil ways of reacting to Bill's visions (which is canon), and they probably lashed out, neglected, or said the wrong things. In the end, Bill LOVED his parents, like many of us do despite parent issues. And Bills parents loved him (which is canon that Bills parents loved him despite him having his weird habits and strange eye).

Euclid, in my headcanons, is a shitty dad, but Bill still wanted to make him proud and love him. I'm sure Bill had his complicated feelings about his dad (theory AND headcanon-wise), but he loved him :( And Bill's dad could have been cruel, but I like to think parallel-wise with Stans dad, Filbrick only wanted the best for Stanley. He was SO cruel and so harsh and a bad dad, but he tried to do things because he thought it would toughen Stan up. I think it was the same with Bills dad, even if it doesn't make it right. Plus I think Bill doesn't JUST feel guilty about his parents- I mean, an entire dimension. THE GUILT GOES SOO DEEP ITS WILD. I LOVE THINKING ABOUT HOW COMPLICATED BILL IS!!!! WOO!! I actually do it makes me so happy.

All of this is not canon info btw!! Just thoughts I have about the possible dynamic of Bills family. Alot of it is speculation/headcanon stuff.

anyway im really yapping on here. Love it.

[frostyclove]

episode 5 spoilers

part 1 - the teens minus the tai/van scenes. its too long im not subjecting yall to my whole episode thoughts at once

Rabies plot still on. Ben asks about the goats mother being sick. We cant see the mouth of the goat. Akilah gonna die of rabies im so sorry guys start preparing emotionally. Plus the llama line

This scene was crazy to watch because I think we all predicted different parts. Tai being the one to weild the death after being the prosecutor ? Shauna giving the bonkers option so that everything else seems kinda normal in comparison? Nat trying her hardest to find a normal way through it? A moral way? Shauna cracking jokes about him dying of old age (shes right but its interesting that they don’t take that as a good option; shows just how quickly Shauna is gaining power; im shocked nat is still technically even in charge)

Also they now have their own rules like crazy. ‘We found him guilty it’s simple’ - it’s at this point that the truth doesnt matter. Only their perception of the truth. And I think thats going to very much matter as the season goes on 

It is a fitting death Shauna but we do not need to be that vicious babes I do love the dramatic irony but I am with nat that is torture 

Also insane that nat keeps accidentally damning coach like girl shut up 

Shauna v nat is exactly what fandom has felt like for the past few weeks love u guys 

Really curious what led van to so confidently blurt out the king of hearts bit. Theres something there and I wanna know what it is. What does suicide king mean does it have a meaning or did van just make that up

Tai looked stressed af at that. Tai didn’t like that

Intersting that van is handing out the cards. 

Should we have a whole tarot spread and what it pairs to in a normal deck and to be comping it to what card they pulled or do you think that’s doing too much because I know if I was writing it I would have taken the time to pair that all up or at least tried but idk 

Shaunas fuck ass face is saying ‘y’all wish you just handed me the gun now dont you?’

Robin is such a sweetie theres no way shes not pit girl at this point 

poor tai by baby im sorry theyre putting you through this but you did literally make this happen miss ‘ill be prosecution’ 

Shauna hat whittle scene 

Yes girl whittle away 

Melissa I may have underestimated you that line was funny as fuck nobody has a better Shauna read than you

(Guys I love Jackie too but Jackie was sometimes shitty to Shauna its just the nature of homoerotic friendships in a plane crash okay) 

Also someone described Melissa as the sheath to Shaunas knife and honestly thats such a good read on them im never unseeing that 

Cute ass gift ngl Melissa may truly be deeply into Shauna 

Also its a case of everyone knew rather than Melissa stalker I think 

Lottie/akilah/travis 

Ngl travis looks hot as hell this episode hes really finding his stride as Lottie backup 

The wrap around Lotties neck - I know it’s for the gas but it also just kinda is soooo reminiscent of the slap bracelet. There something there

Lotties so good at convincing people of things girl certainly was getting good grades in english class on those persuasive essays

Oracle of Delphi is gonna matter any smarties on that got takes on it ? 

Shes in the antler queen outfit 

Gotta use some suspense of disbelief on how theyre handling gas but thats not the biggest of issues its very subtle

Big love protective older brother travis vibe - also that haircut I need it on more lesbians its so hot 

Why���d they leave the rope ?

Lottie is mildly obsessed with timing. Curious if that’ll be expanded on

Lottie somehow still right. Somehow still effective. Travis stressed as hell. Poor guy. 

Akilah dream - cool as hell 

Ben; the bridge back to civilization ; but darkness. An unknown. A smog. Shaunas leadership time. It will be dark, it will be scary. But they will feel safe, adding onto the ‘their perception is what truly matters ; not the truth’ aspect that I think is the core of the season 

No interesting to note - they have him drawn and quartered in the dream. Another form of medieval torture. Food for thought

Misty/ben/fish/ending

Okay this goes later but it’s on my brain - ben didn’t eat the fish. I think there will be consequences for that. But I dont know what . Its got me stressed 

Bens like damn good food what are they gonna do execute me ? And misty all teary eyed is like “yeah….” Cute af if he wasn’t like dying 

I love misty in this scene , shes really grown so much 

You can tell coach is like, really frustrated that he has to comfort misty even though hes the one dying but he also just like has given up on life so he just doesnt seem to care either. Its such an interesting place for a character to be

The makeup team did so good with him

This may sound odd but this scene feels very informed by video games. Like this is the scene in any single player story game (thing TWD, TLOU, or BG3) where you say goodbye to the one helpful and soul character before everything goes to utter shit before the final act. It’s really well done I really enjoy it. 

The way he looks at her crying omg then she just says bye like… poor guy 

My poor baby 

Shauna needs to fuck Melissa some more the girl has too much frustration and im losing patience with her by the ep no reason to be doing all that hun

Poor nat. Nat giving up her power. Giving the necklace to the next chosen. Except this turn its chosen as sacrifice (well, ish)

Ben really tries to appeal to nat. he thinks nat is the one thats going to do it. shes holding the gun. He thinks shes the one to kill him. And then hes blindfolded before he sees nat hand it over to tai. He thinks his basically adopted daughter is the one who is going to execute him. I cry. 

I am misty in this scene big cry 

Even with the Lottie interruption - this is the girls CHOOSING , VOLENTARILY , to go forth as part of the wilderness. To hand over their connection to civilization. handing the power from nat (a moral and reasonable leader) to Shauna (a brutal and vicious one). This is the moment they fully cross over into, basically, wild animal territory. And id expect the party in the next episode to be a reflection of the crowing of a new leader, and thats what Shauna is so hoppy about in the trailer - being handed the power of leadership. 

First time seeing gen with a personality and I can say I dont really like her - shes another Shauna puppy it seems 

Then tai gets handed the gun, coach blinded. Great work on part of the cast and crew scene is great but Im about to focus on my love <3

Tai bawling. Tai barely able to hold the gun. No longer steady. Now breaking down. Losing it. Id bet she can hardly even see. Growing more and more stressed by the moment 

The sound work is crazy good gotta take a moment for the sound team <33

Then she shivers so hard she can barely hold the gun. And her stress has reached a high enough point. Other tai is here. Tai will be okay. Other tai will take care of her. Thank you other tai 

And van notices, the shift in physicality is obvious. But theres a relaxation there. Because tai will be okay. And other tai shoots 

And I swear in this moment I thought travis was dead. Then I remembered he died as an adult. And then I thought they were doing the killing them twice thing. But hes not hes fine. Other tai has killer aim, but luckily nobody got hit. 

Impeccably almost late timing from Lottie though

Other tai already gone though interestingly enough

No but seriously thank you Lottie good job gal theyre gonna scream at her but she did so good saving him there. Well. She tried. 

I honestly thought Shauna was gonna just end him right there. She walked onto frame and I went ‘ahh the coup its usurping time’ but no thats not what’s happening lol

Crazy parallels of her making Melissa do it. Bens screams into the otherwise quiet night. Misty losing it. I dont think the plan was exactly to cut his achilles, but since he was fighting back with it it was an easy target. I do appreciate that Shauna respects a clean knife though thanks for not crossing anybody’s blood we dont need to get blood diseases that would just make everything complicated 

Welcome to the end of their morals. They died that night. Lottie, travis, nat, Mari, misty, and honestly even kinda van all lost their power that night. It’s now Shaunas wilderness. And it will be interesting to see how that goes for them leading into their rescue (which will likely be at the end of this season) 

[carpedzem]

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

[calzone-d]

What about when your mad at Ted and you feel bad for snapping at him?

(Hi it's me, and I have terrible PMS rn lmao)

sorry this is a lil short, it's finals week!

thanks for sending this in, anon!

you can find my masterlist here.

-----

It was one of those days where every little thing irritated the shit out of you. People breathing too loud, chewing too obnoxiously, your hair being extremely frizzy for no reason- everything was just annoying.

Ted came home in a particularly upbeat mood, which you normally adored to see. You still did, you just was hoping for some space to decompress from your day before spending the evening socializing with him. It wasn’t anything against him, you just needed to be alone.. in silence.

“Hey darlin’! Ooh-wee I can’t wait to tell you about what happened out on the pitch today. You see-“

You nodded and hummed occasionally at his story, not as invested as you should’ve been, but even the simple act of cooking dinner was taking everything in you.

Ted continued to ramble on about his day as you cooked. You spilled some rice on the oven- no big deal, you’d clean it later. Then, you checked the chicken in the oven only to find that it was burnt.

“Shit!”, your frustrated voice interrupted Ted’s story.

“What’s the matter?”

“I burnt the fucking food, and there’s such a mess to clean up and-“

Ted cut you off with an optimistic, “We can worry about it after dinner, hun.”

Before you could stop yourself, your temper got the best of you.

“No, Ted! I don’t want to just deal with it later! Im fucking exhausted and I just want to spend a quiet night in bed!”

Ted’s brows furrowed as you continued, “And I love you, and I love hearing about your day but I just- I can’t right now!”

He left you with a quiet, “Well alright, then” before heading to the living room. Though you were thankful for a few moments to yourself, you knew you were in the wrong.

Ted came and fixed himself a plate a few minutes later, but took it back into the living room without saying a word. You felt guilty. It would’ve been so easy to just be open with him, but on top of being irritated you were trying to do a million things at once, which wasn’t a great combination.

You cleaned up dinner, and put on your pajamas before taking a seat next to Ted on the couch. He didn’t say anything as you sat down, even as your eyes met.

“Ted.. I’m sorry.”, your voice was soft.

He nodded for you to continue.

“Today was just so.. so frustrating and jam-packed and I was hoping for some time to decompress but then dinner went the way it did, and I felt bad for not listening to your story but I just really needed a few moments to myself.”

After a few seconds he spoke, “Then why didn’t ya just ask me?”

His voice stayed calm and gentle, fitting for the man you loved. You were worried you’d stuck a nerve, especially with the wounds Michelle left him with. The last thing you wanted was for him to think he was ‘too much’. Still, it would’ve been so much easier to just ask for space when he got home. It wasn’t his fault you pushed yourself too far.

“That’s what I should’ve done, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you thinking I didn’t care, or didn’t want to hear about your day-“

“There’s a big difference between not carin’ and just needin’ a moment.”

You slowly nodded as your eyes cast downward. “I know. I should’ve just asked for some time alone, instead of snapping at you. My shitty day had nothing to do with you.. and I don’t want you to think it did.”

He shook his head as he shuffled closer to you, “Darlin’, that’s fine. Just ask next time, okay? I don’t like seein’ you all stressed.”

Your head fell against his shoulder as you finally smiled for the first time all day. “I’ll work on finding better ways to communicate that. Thank you for listening.. I’d love to hear about your day before bed?”

One of Ted’s hands reached down to cup your cheek so that he could pull you in for a kiss. He kissed you gently, and lovingly. When he pulled away his hand smoothed over the top of your head before he pressed another kiss there.

“Sounds like a plan, stan. Now, you tell me what we’re watchin’ tonight.”

He pulled you in close as you both settled together on the couch.

thanks for reading!

[fuutaprotectionsquad]

Yknow I feel like I should have a main post where I share my Milgram opinions/verdicts (thought of this bc i was writing my sister's opinion on the milgram characters). So I'll go character by character.

Will anyone read this? I don't know but its here

Haruka: I relate to him a bit (shitty mother, intrusive homicidal thoughts, neurodivergence). I def feel bad for him but hes still really guilty in my mind. I just think the whole killing for attention thing is a really dangerous mindset you can't just get out of, especially if you're being told you're not in the wrong. And it definitely seems like he doesn't actually feel bad for the girl he killed, just feels bad because people are mad at him for it. Idk. But I enjoy his dynamic with Muu a lot, even tho its toxic i just think its really interesting. But I wish him the best and he deserves a hug. His songs are mid tho (/hj i like them)

Yuno: I love her personality and I think shes so fun, but I honestly don't think about her a lot compared to the others. But I love her and specifically enjoy her dynamics with (obv mostly in fan content) Kazui, Mahiru and Fuuta. Her and Fuuta are such a good platonic ship (romantic is fun too). Innocent vote, obv. I like her songs, but Tear Drop moreso than Umbilical.

Fuuta: Oh my god I wonder what I think of him. In all seriousness he's a major hyperfixation of mine at like every given moment. I adore him and i think he deserves better and to be innocent. Like he feels so guilty for what he did and he didn't know any better, everyone around him was encouraging his behavior and praising him for it. But then it got too far and all his friends abandoned him and blamed him like. Poor fuuta :( and he's like 100% right when he says him and es are exactly the same. On another note, major fan of 0309 (romantically, but either way works), and also love his dynamic with Haruka, Yuno, Mahiru, Amane and Es. His songs are both in my top three (backdraft being #1)

Muu: Tied for my fav character(? Fuuta might beat her idk) I love her personality and vibe and everything just ❤️❤️ queen shit. And her queen bee design is gorgeous. Typically my favs are men but shes one of the first women ive hyperfixated on this much. Again, love her dynamic with Haruka, not from a like. healthy relationships could make the characters better standpoint, but from a story perspective its interesting. But yeah guilty. As for her songs, INMF is my #2 and i like After Pain

Shidou: Honestly I used to be kinda indifferent about him and just found him to be boring but then I rewatched his voice dramas and read some fics and I like him more now. I feel really bad for him bc he went through a really shitty situation which he felt he had the power to change and was stuck in a shitty moral dilemma bc of it. And in the end he did shitty things to save those he loved and it didn't even matter. He feels so guilty and doesn't deserve it. Innocent <3. Also romantic 0507 ftw (0506 is cool too). Him and Amane are silly too. As for his songs i like them, but they're not my fav

Mahiru: i like her, but im not too like. invested in her ig. But i feel bad for her :( she just wants to feel love and like. clearly she did something wrong but she didn't know she was. She never intended to hurt anyone. So innocent. Unless we find out she like. did something really fucking bad then maybe guilty. But in I Love You it implies it was a mutual toxicity so it probably wasn't something super terrible? But anyway. I love her with like all the characters cuz shes just so fun to see interact w others, but specifically with Yuno, Fuuta, Shidou, Amane and Mikoto.

Kazui: Hes so fun i love him. Like all he wants is to be honest and be himself but he feels pressured to lie and then finally he tells the truth and his wife fucking kills herself like- jeez- poor guy. Like following the gay theory, i get why she mightve done it (imagine being told the romance you built your entire life around for like 20 years was all a lie, and that your husband never actually loved you and just pretended to and every time you kissed or something he was just pretending like. that sucks poor hinako) but its so awful that he had to go thru that. But anyway innocent, kazui come out we accept you. And stan 0507. Song wise cat is easily #4 but. half is ok ig

Amane: Yknow i love amane but I also hate her and i think part of that might be the fandom? idk. I feel sorry for her bc she grew up in such a shitty situation but also i think shes beyond the point where we can uninstill those ideologies. Like shes 12, not 5. And amane says it herself that she has as much of a free will as everyone else and that her decision to kill/stay in this environment should be valued. Not that i think she should remain in this abusive situation, but she's not just some innocent kid whose being manipulated, she knows what she's doing. Hence, guilty. I don't think either vote will change her or anything so im voting with my honest opinion. As for dynamics, i love seeing her interact with all the other prisoners, but especially Shidou and Fuuta.

Mikoto: I love mikoto a lot but im so on the fence about his verdict. Ive been voting him innocent but theres still a part of me thats like. debating it. Bc he shouldn't have to be punished for John's actions, and it sucks that that's the situation hes in, but its that or more murders are left to occur. The main reason i say innocent is under the idea that John could go dormant or just stop fronting as much if we reduce mikoto's stress (like he says will happen i think). But hes so complex and fun i love mikoto. Specifically i love romantic 0309 but also his dynamic w the smoking group and mahiru. Also i love his songs.

Kotoko: I love her but also fuck her for hurting fuuta (and mahiru too but mainly fuuta). She annoys me bc she was so quick to almost murder several people based on a preliminary verdict that was made using little information. Like she knew this wasn't a concrete verdict, but attacked them anyway. I get her ideology of "kill people who evade justice to protect the weak" but only when they've actually done bad things (ie. the guy kidnapping the little girl). But when she doesn't know what they did and knows the person accusing them doesn't either???? Like bruh. But i like her character shes fun. I like seeing how she interacts with es and everyone she attacked. And songs, harrow is okay and i really like deep cover.

Whew im done.

[soviet-siscon]

its the last answered anon here

"Absolutely do not try and keep talking to her, that'll get SO SO much worse" I didnt, for a moment i considered opening my alt to try and explain but at that moment i was crying quite a bit and was not going to be capable of typing out anything meaningful/coherent

"you are not a fucking bad person for wanting to be told it's ok and not your fault." made me start sobbing again, i guess that feeling guilty for not wanting to be the bad guy is a recurring them in my life. im saving this response for future reference if literally just for this line

"by the sounds of it you never told her you love her" i hadnt

"I'm really sorry you've gone through this, it hits pretty close to home tbh and i know how it feels." i had read some vauge post on your account abt something similar so thats why i thought to send it to you, but thats also the same reason i had opened with assuring you i wont be offended if ignored, since like. idk. i dont wanna be somehow forcing you to open up old wounds

"#I hope this was a helpful response" it absolutely was i feel much better… still shitty but. a lot better. i think i can handle it now

thank you for responding, i have no one i can really tell this to without risking homelessness- thats part of the reason im joining random discords in the first place lol also just thank you for having your blog. it makes me feel less alone and insane for some of the feelings i have. im being a bit overly sappy for an anon on tumblr, but i really cant express enough how scared i was i would have to keep this on the inside forever and ever and never tell a soul because they would hate me and my life would be over

🩷🩷🩷 i hope you're feeling a lil better and stuff has calmed down a bit. sorry it took me close to 24 hours to get back to this.

I'm sorry you're in a kinda unstable living situation and all that, it really sucks when you can't even talk about anything. I'm always really happy when I can help people or my blog is a nice place.

it's probably not healthy for ppl to view me like a confessional or a serious advice column but the vast majority of people don't do that and the few that do are usually ppl who I'd want to help out anyway. idk, it's not like everyone is a stray dog to me or anything lol and I'm not just here to get juicy stories. I just like having a lil bit of a community and to let people get things of their chests (even when they don't want them published).

anyway I'm really proud of you! everything seems so scary in the moment huh? I can't guarantee it won't get scary again at some point but you did the right thing several times in a row (asserting boundaries, blocking, talking to someone about it) and that's definitely gonna pay off for you. good job :)

[bellysoupset]

SOUP!!! i know you’re focusing on the thanksgiving stuff rn and slay yes go off but this is me begging you to torture wendy sometime soon <3333 i know you know i love her and i’m trying SO hard not to be annoying about requesting her too much but ,,,, the type of dopamine i get whenever i read one of *those* fics (wen as sickie) is truly unreal and i’ve been craving it sm lately (and i’ve already reread all your old ones *almost* too many times LMAO) 🤭 also PLS DONT TAKE THIS AS ME PRESSURING YOU OR EXPECTING THINGS FROM YOU‼️‼️‼️ THATS THE LAST THING I WANT‼️‼️ THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO‼️‼️‼️ im just putting this out there to gently suggest that you torture her whenever you have the time and energy to lolll <3

the trope can be literally anything you want but i’m really feeling a migraine fic 👀 like a bad one!!! but having her kind of hide it until she can’t anymore? and then vin maybe feeling all guilty about not noticing it sooner + him being all soft and adorable and worried? smiling and blushing just thinking about this ahhhh

thank u sm i love u

🦦

And 🧷 asked:

HI Just jumping on board the girly request train (To add this to your hoard for if you have the time/will). Consider, if you will: Wendy sick at work with Jonah as a not-so-great caretaker having to call Vince like "Come get your girl." (Wendy does deserve belly rubs and also just... hugs. Lots of them. And a gentle smooch on the forehead) (And you know I love bitchy Jonah and I can't think of a shittier caretaker /pos /aff /very affectionate /I love him okay?) -🧷

----

Jonah was in a bad mood. Which he knew wasn't saying much, because these days he was always in a bad mood, but whatever. He was in a shitty fucking mood.

Graduation was closer than ever, happening in a little less than two weeks. Meaning he had exactly 4 days to finish all the documentation and essays and double check his hours and also pick an outfit and send the bloody invitation to his mother and stepfather and his father, fuck, he had forgotten about-

"Switch with me," Wendy interrupted his stream of thoughts, entering the office area. Jonah let out a scoff, rolling his eyes.

"Absolutely not," he said, turning back to the paperwork he had been filling in. He had already done his hours in the ER, there was no way he was gonna do Wen's too.

"Please," Wendy said, although she didn't sound like she was asking, "switch with me, I'll take your hours tomorrow-"

"Nope," Jonah shook his head, not bothering to look up from where he was filing up the report of each patient he had had all day, "you're distracting me, Wendy."

"Jonah, I really can't do the ER right now-"

"No one likes the ER," Jonah shrugged, signing his name with a little too much force. He really wanted to go home. It was almost 10 PM and he still hadn't had dinner and although he didn't have classes tomorrow, he had so many things to hand in. Did he revise his residency application?

"Jon, please I..." Wendy whined and Jonah's head snapped up, pissed off.

"Wendy no," he glared at her, "I'm not switching, give up."

She pressed her hands to her face, before letting out a sigh and turning around, wordlessly leaving the office.

Jon's stomach sunk and he felt a pang to his chest, but he stood his ground. He had worked his hours today and he really needed to go home and Wendy was not going to puppy eye her way into getting him to do a double ER shift, not when he was this exhausted, even if it was just the remaining one hour and half.

He got back to the task at hand and by the time he glanced up again, it was time to get going. 11:30 PM, Leo would probably be asleep, Jonah thought sourly, locking all the documents inside of his designated drawer and getting up.

Claire was just getting in as Jonah walked to the doctor's staff to strip his white doctor coat and grab his bag as well as his scarf. She waved at him as he unlocked his locker, "hi, Jon."

"Hi Claire," he yawned, folding his coat.

"Uh..." Claire frowned as she unlocked her own locker. She shared with Wendy, but Wen's clothes were still inside, "that's odd, I didn't see her in the ER..."

Jonah felt a weird sense of unease wash over him. He draped the scarf around his neck, "here, take mine. Just let Todd know when he clocks in..." he said, "I'm gonna check if she's still clocked in."

Jonah hated the guy who had been doing the last round with Wendy. Chris wasn't just annoying as hell, he was also a careless idiot who messed up constantly. Jon had lost count the amount of times he had gone toe to toe with the guy.

"Chris," Jonah said, managing to get him alone just as he turned the hallways, Chris probably going to clock out too, "did you see Wendy?"

"No," Chris scoffed, glaring at him, "not since she bailed on me. If you find her, let her know that she's fucked. I made a complaint with our supervisor."

"What...?" Jonah frowned. Wendy didn't bail, Jon could count in one hand the amount of times she had taken time out of her clinic hours. She often covered for others. She would never just quit and up and leave.

"Yeah," Chris rolled his eyes, "said she was gonna get water and I haven't seen her since. I had to go through all of her fucking patients. Peters is gonna chew her up tomorrow."

"How long ago was that?" Jonah asked, feeling anxiety prickling all over him. This was widely out of characters.

"An hour ago? I don't know," Chris shrugged, before stepping around Jonah, "excuse me."

Jon didn't acknowledge him at all, already fishing his phone out of his pocket and pressing the 3, Wendy's speed dial digit. It rang and rang and no one picked up.

Her car was in the parking lot still, getting covered with snow. Shit.

"Wendy, it's me. Please pick up your phone, I'm worried," Jonah send her a voice message, before immediately trying to call again. If the car was still there, then she was still in the hospital.

The question was where? Their university hospital was a big place, since they were the reference not just for their town but for other five around them. It had four floors and was almost as large as a whole block.

"Shit, shit, shit," Jonah chanted, heading to the main nurse station near the ER. The head nurse from Wendy's shift probably had clocked out already, the new one wouldn't know where she was...

"Marjorie! Nurse Marjorie!" Jonah ran down the hall, catching her just as she was about to walk to walk out of the door to the parking lot. She paused, looking confused and spooked.

"Dr. Banks-"

"Hi," Jonah panted, catching up with her, "sorry, I didn't mean to startle you- Did you see Wendy?"

"Wendy?" she frowned and Jonah nodded.

"Dr. Marshall?"

Marjorie's frown twisted into a grimace, "oh yeah, downstairs," she nodded, "about twenty minutes ago? She was in a bad shape, poor thing."

"A bad shape?" Jonah's heart squeezed and he looked around as if he'd somehow spot Wendy in the crowd that was coming and going, "where was she exactly?"

"Well, I entered the ladies room and she wasn't looking so hot, but she said she'd go home, so..." Nurse Marjorie shrugged, "she's probably left by now."

"Which side?"

"West wing-"

"Thank you," Jonah shook her hand awkwardly, before turning around and running back towards the stairs. He just wished no supervisor saw him running around like that, he'd for sure get called out.

There were two bathrooms down in the west wing, where they got the x-rays exams done. One was gender neutral, then two gendered ones down the long hallway. Jonah made a silent prayer before entering the female bathroom.

It was empty.

Or rather, it seemed empty, but a small sob cued him to the fact that it wasn't so. Jonah power walked across the room, before knocking on the last stall, "Wendy? Wen, is that you?" please let it be her.

There was a small groan from inside, a voice he recognized and he spotted her white shoes peeking out, with the lilac details.

"Wendy, it's me," Jonah knocked again, "can you unlock the door, please?"

"Uhm..." she grumbled from inside and he heard the sound of fingers drumming on the door, as she clumsily attempted to unlock it. It took a minute before she managed to do so and then Jonah pushed it in, regretting it as Wendy let out a whine as the door hit her thigh.

He waited until she moved out of the way to push the door again and Jonah frowned. Wendy was sitting on the ground, one arm draped over the toilet, her head resting on her hand. The little he could see of her face, Jon could tell was extremely pale.

"Goddammit, Wendy..." he crouched down next to her, "Wen? Hey, look at me, sweetheart-"

"Hurss...hurts..." she slurred instead of answering him, her voice barely above a whisper. The toilet was empty, but Jonah could tell she had already thrown up at least once, if the wet spot in front of her baby green scrubs were anything to go by.

"What hurts, Wendy?" he leaned in, planting a hand on her shoulder. She was freezing, even though she was wearing a long sleeved shirt under the short sleeved hospital clothes.

"Head..." Wendy whimpered, curling up even more, sounding dangerously close to tears. She hugged her knees, pressing her forehead to them and rocked back and forth, "I don't feel well, Jon..."

"I know, Dee," Jonah whispered, moving even closer and ignoring the smell of vomit, so he could cup her chin and force her to lift her head, "let me see your eyes, Wendy."

They were filled with tears, squinting from the pain. The minute he raised her face, she flinched from the overhead white light, and gulped nervously, shoving his hand off her face.

"I'm... I'm gonna be sick..." she groaned, leaning over the toilet again. Jonah scrambled forward to grab her hair, immediately gagging as he felt one of the front pieces was already wet and sticky.

He buried his nose in his shoulder, gagging fruitlessly. There was nothing for him to puke and clearly, nothing for Wendy to bring up either, because after a little more retching, she let out a sob and resorted to resting her forehead to the porcelain, sobbing.

"No, darling, don't do that, this is disgusting..." Jonah cooed, sliding his hand between her forehead and the toilet and wrapping his other arm around her waist, pulling her up.

Although she was unstable as a newborn fawn, she didn't immediately collapse, clinging to his coat with all her force. Jonah pushed the stall door open, slowly guiding her to the sinks and Wendy slumped over the granite with her whole body, letting out a whine as he ran his hands under the tap to turn on the motion sensor and then ran his now wet, cold hands on her face, washing her mouth and chin, as well as the sick covered piece of hair.

"Shhh, you're okay, I got you," Jonah whispered, more for his benefit than hers, as Wendy's whole face scrunched up in pain, tears leaking from the corner of her eyes.

"I don't... I don't want you," she groaned and Jonah's stomach turned for a different reason, simple and plain guilt.

"I know, I'm gonna get you to Vin," he answered instead, "I'm really sorry, Wen, I didn't know you weren't feeling well..."

She let out another groan, ignoring his apology and Jonah bit his tongue to stop the string of words he wanted to say. He wanted to apologize again, he wanted to grill her about her symptoms, why she hadn't started off by saying she was sick previously when requesting he switched with her, why she hadn't told him...

She shuddered, hugging herself and Jonah stripped his coat, wrapping Wendy in it and closing the first button on the front. It was far too big for her, it reached the middle of Jon's thighs, but on Wendy the coat was brushing the floor.

Wordlessly she slumped forward, pressing her forehead to his chest and Jonah wrapped an arm around her, guiding her out of the bathroom.

As soon as they reached the ground level floor, she let out a loud whine. The place was much more crowded, so much more noisy, and Wendy let out a sob, pressing her face to his chest with even more force.

"Hurts..." She said, grabbing at the roots of her hair and pulling, to try and escape the pain inside her skull.

He left her planted on the couch in the waiting room, as he sped back to the staff quarters to retrieve her purse, as well as her other belongings. Wendy was rocking back and forth when he got back to her, much to the unnerving of the other patients, who kept glancing at her nervously as it looks like she was going to throw up.

"Okay, let's get you out of here," Jon whispered, wrapping his arms around her and guiding Wendy to the car. She shivered violently once they walked out of the hospital, the drastic temperature change hitting them both. Jon's teeth started to chatter and he forced Wendy to keep moving, pushing her inside her car.

"No, don't do that, Dee," Jonah whispered, holding her head as Wendy tried banging it against the window to stop the pain inside, "shhh, lie back down, lie down..." he lowered her seat a little bit, smoothing the hair out of her face.

Wendy let out a pitiful sniffle, curling up on herself, his coat serving as a blanket on top of her. She turned her head, away from his touch and Jonah's stomach sunk a little more.

He parked inside her building, in her designated spot and then scrolled through his contacts. Wendy seemed to be asleep and he didn't want to wake her up unneededly so.

"Hello?" Vince sounded half asleep and Jonah glanced quickly at the clock. It was almost midnight, no wonder, "Jon?"

"Hey," he whispered, "I have Wendy with me, can you unlock the door, please?"

"Wen... Why? What's wrong with her? Are you outside-" there was rustling around, "I don't see you outside."

Jonah rolled his eyes, "I'm downstairs in the parking lot, she-"

"Is she okay? Let me talk with her."

"She's asleep," Jonah started to say, but Wendy stirred and groaned, turning to blindly grab his phone.

"Is that Vin?" she whined, not bothering to open her eyes and, in Jonah's ear, Vince exclaimed.

"Wendy!"

Jonah let out a scoff, "just unlock the door," then hung up, turning to Wendy, "can you walk?"

"Yes," she said, sounding annoyed. She pushed the door open and stumbled out, bracing against the car and taking deep breaths, "my head is exploding."

"You sound better than before," Jonah said hopefully, circling the car to hold her arm, "c'mon, Dee."

"Uhm..." Wendy slumped against him, letting him guide her the rest of the way and Jonah chewed on the inside of his cheek, pressing the elevator button.

"I'm really sorry about before, Wendy. I had no idea you were sick, if I knew I'd have switched."

"It's fine," she said sourly, crossing her arms, "it's fine."

"Wanna say that one more time?" Jonah said, "doesn't sound fine."

"Shut up, Jonah," Wendy groaned, pressing her forehead to his bicep with all her force, "I don't have the energy for this, just shut up."

As soon as the elevator came to a stop, Vince was already there. In the middle of the hallway, wearing just sweatpants, socks and a huge orange hoodie that made Jonah cringe in distaste. His curls were a messy mane around his head and he had been clearly about to fall asleep.

"Hey, hey..." he crossed the hallway in two steps, cupping Wendy's face, "what's wrong, honey?"

She let out a groan, that quickly morphed into a whimper, "my head..."

"Migraine?" he guessed, glancing up worriedly to Jonah, who flinched as if he was somehow guilty for Wendy's migraine.

"Yes, she threw up earlier-"

"It's not as bad anymore," Wendy scoffed, glaring at his direction, before snuggling up with Vince, wrapping her arms around his middle, "I just wanna lie down."

"Thank you for bringing her home," Vince whispered, offering Jonah a big, relieved smile, which only made him feel ten times more guilty. Vin was unaware to his little conundrum, hugging Wendy to him and bringing her inside the house.

Jonah followed them in, planting Wendy's keys and her purse on the little living room table that was littered with books and notecards, where Vince clearly had been studying.

A minute later Vince emerged from the room, having tucked Wendy into bed, Jon's coat draped over his arm, "here. Thank you Jon..."

"Please don't say that," Jonah cringed, taking the coat back, "tell Wendy to call me when she feels better."

Vince frowned, confused, but he nodded, "yeah, of course. Are you calling a taxi?"

"Yes-"

"You can wait in here," Vince said hopefully, "or just crash the couch, it's no problem-"

"No," Jonah shook his head. He was feeling terrible, he really didn't want to stay and witness anymore of Wendy in pain, "no, I have to go home. Leo's probably having a heart attack, I should've been home two hours ago."

It was a little lie. Yes, Leo would be stressing if he was aware, but more probably he was simply asleep by now.

"Okay," Vince crossed the room and then pulled Jon into a hug, causing the man to let out a startled yelp.

"Let go of me."

"Thanks again, man."

"Yeah, let me go..." Jonah shoved him off, "and tell Wendy not to worry about tomorrow, I'll explain to her supervisor what happened."

"Thank you," Vince nodded, although he wasn't sure what he was nodding along with, "you're a great friend."

Jonah grimaced, "yeah, bye."

[starmapz]

UGH trish it took me so long to read the last chapter....idk ive been in a reading slump its so weird like it made me guilty to read things that i enjoy so ermmm roundabout way to say i was saving it for when i could truly savor it....

anyways wow the yearning in this chapter....there are so many moments where i screamed. like for example, when sukuna was trying to apologize, i just wanted reader to kiss him like...if an emotionally constipated man was trying so hard to tell me his emotions i would literally be so down bad. im glad reader's better than me and thinking hard about whether to give him a second chance or not.

i do think, however, that while sukuna and reader have wronged each other and hurt each other, we're not *completely* in a place we can't go back from that. in my opinion, there's shit you can do that is so...toxic and stuff you can't undo no matter what (i.e. cheating, lying completely, being hurtful, being decietful etc) while, to me, sukuna and reader's conflicts have happened mostly bc of inner conflicts/miscommunication/misunderstandings/bad life circumstances. all that to say that i think you did a really admirable job creating the angst because to me as a writer it's hard to do that without making any party looking super toxic/unreedemable. we're still hoping for sukuna and reader, and it's not frustrating either :')

like, there's a lot of things sukuna could've done in this scenario way worse than what he did, like guilt trip reader whenever she couldn't help him out, not being respectful of her or her time...dont get me wrong, im not trying to say "oh at least sukuna wasn't a complete asshole that means he's a green flag!!" but rather i feel like a lot of people in sukuna's situation itself would, in reality, guilt trip, take advantage of others' kindness, etc. especially as man (LOL). but rather than him *actually* being an asshole, really the conflict here is that sukuna's just a anxious guy who doesn't want to feel like he's indebted to others. to me, since he cares about being indebted to others/taking more than he gives back, it shows he cares about not taking advantage of people, etc.

i hope that makes sense? i really look up to your writing and how well you pace. the way you write your conversations are literally how i would answer them irl, and im actually soo jealous of how you develop your characters :') conversations are the hardest parts for me to write, and im just in awe of how you make it flow so naturally...

anyways this got long im gonna include my horny thoughts in a reblog lolzz

AASHI!! i totally get that feeling, i find i feel the same way every couple of months and will just need to save things i want to read bc i want to enjoy it properly 😩

UGH i know right reader's so much stronger than i am, i'd fold immediately if a man like sukuna was trying that hard to fix things with me, i'd be internally losing my mind. like give that man a kiss!!

i appreciate that so much :') when i was coming up with the main conflicts between them (particularly his reasoning for not showing up to the project presentation and the conflict during their big fight in ch10), i really wanted to make sure that there was a very good reason for everything happening because i didn't want either character to be irredeemable or outright toxic. i'm glad it's not frustrating either!!

he's not necessarily a green flag and has done some shitty things, but nothing he's done has been malicious in any way so i'd like to think he's not a red flag either!! i feel like growing up with a good parent like jin, he doesn't try to be an asshole even though he knows he can be, he's just a product of unfortunate circumstances and misunderstandings. he wants to be good!! a good friend, a good parent, a good brother, a good partner 👀 he just struggles with outside issues.

that's so sweet and means a lot coming from you (the way you write conversations always has me kicking my feet they're sooooo good!! also the way you write period pieces has me in a chokehold i'm seriously in love with your knight choso and bridgerton gojo and don't even get me started on spiderman!gojo he has my whole heart), thank you 😭 i worry my pacing is way too slow and my conversations sound cheesy all the time LOL

aaa tysm for this <33 i'm so glad you enjoyed it!!

[virginmiri99]

Boni I need advice how do u drive every day... Im still new to driving and lately I've been making mistakes on the road that scare me and make me feel like I'm not going to grow into a good driver because of my brain. How do people get good at driving

SORRY I'M LATE!!! Drive can be really scary--I drive a ram pickup truck which doesn't make the task any easier. When I first started driving I was actually terrified, I didn't want do drive over 20 mph, I didn't want to leave a neighborhood, I didn't want to drive alone... But I slowly got better at it. I won't lie and say even after years I don't make silly mistakes, but some of my tips include:

-obviously number one don't text and drive. Everyone is guilty of this and it can be pretty dangerous since a lot of teens think they're capable of doing both.

-For staying in the lines, I have a trick to measure, but its different on every car so just be aware.

If you line up the end of your car by the wheel, and about 3/4th of the hood, that should be in the lines. It makes it easier to stay in the lines because you don't have to look at your mirrors which requires more head turning.

-Get some round mirrors if you have the funds.

these things are the MVP of driving (especially if you have a pick up) bc they help show you everything in your blindspot. Whenever I merge I ONLY look at the round mirrors tbh. It shows me more.

-If you spin out, let go of the gas and steer in the right direction. I'm only adding this bc I've spun out TWICE in the last two days bc my shitty tire traction. this is good to remember.

-You might hate to hear it, but practice! That what my dad says lol. Ive been driving basically everyday in a city setting since I was 15, and I'm 21 now. It's really about growing confidence in your skills. I was once too frightened to leave my neighborhood while driving, and now I drive on the highway with one hand on the wheel. I know it seems scary, but sometimes a little confidence will help your skills! I know you can do it!!!!

I myself need to keep up the vigilance so this was a wonderful ask to refresh my memory. Don't start to get lazy like me!!! As much as I drive every single day I'm still capable of mistakes, just watch the road and watch your mirrors.

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[starkiller-009]

besties u better reblog things not to like them bc liking kill posts mostly. being on tumblr for past few years really shoved me how pointless it is sometimes to post an art or a piece of anything (the same as on twitter these days. even thought twitter has algorithm for likes) i literally have a pack of drawings i did that ive never uploaded and not uploading bc whats the point. im okay to having it to myself but when i decide to share its half time dissapointing. and MORE dissapointing is to see my fellow artists not getting attention their deserve while they draw the most beautiful things possible.

whats the function of likes anyway. liked post = soon forgotten and dead even inside yours dash. am i right

i understand that like means 'i like your work' but honestly. personally i do not care about likes because like is the most flat and empty way of reaction to anything. thats why i do not post anything on social media at all (not even talking about art rn) bc feels like its the only way of communicating and it is the WORST way of communicating its like a simulation of empty anonymous social something meaning nothing. what i love about tumblr is that u get tags and opportunity to hear people more. their thoughts and opinions on stuff and especially stuff u make. like damn. thats the real treasure. the only reason im still on this godforsaken platform is that i love to communicate i need to communicate. and in this case likes suck ass. and i am myself guilty of getting into them too much sometimes but i work on this.

why do i as an artist draw stuff and post it at all? 1. obvious answer - the process in fun and its cool to make something beautiful. 2. more wholesome reason - its the way to start a conversation. on any idea, au, headcanon, characters dynamics - anything. the whole point of drawings is to talk. and ugh it feels SHITTY not to have this and to get only empty symbol of your work appretiation in the form of a like. i must say most of the times likes feel like pitying more. 'its great thats youve made it but i dont really need it anywhere around my dash' and thats totally okay - likes just do not work in some form of support anyway.

50 equals 1 reblog with a tag in it. i'd trade it this way no second thoughts.

so. hear us out babies im not the one asking for this. lets support each other. because art is not made for likes. its made for others

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warning: anon ask referring to self-harm and relapsing.

last night i relapsed on my self harm streak of about 1 year. feeling so guilty and so shitty. worried my boyfriend and felt so fucking disgusting about that. i hate myself i hate that i did this because it was all for nothing. im just as anxious as i was and feeling even worse bc i left my boyfriend so fucking worried. i havent spoken to him since last night after i told him how sorry i was that im getting him involved in this bs. i know i know i cant expect him to not worry or be scared but i feel so bad that he is doing that in the first place. i hate that im scaring him and i hate that i make him feel like he cant help me. i went off all my socials and told him i need sometime. i want to talk to him about this, i want to not be so impulsive and anxious and i want to not let him be so scared all the time. i hate this i hate it sm. send helpppp

"I'm stuck." "I did all that and I'm still like this." "I haven't changed." "I'm never going to change." "I can't break the cycle." "I fucked up and I can't get away from these thoughts, I worked this hard for this long and somehow I'm still trapped by my demons and one day I might..."

Yeah, I know.

"Lose."

I know you might feel as if you're back to square one, but you're not. Things are different this time. He may not understand why you have closed off like this, but one day he will because you will be able to explain it to him. You at least told him and that was what you were ready for at this time, but at some point in the future, maybe not in this heavy headspace, you will be able to find the words to say what you're going through right now.

You might know this already, but I'll remind you: self-harm is a habit. Habits are hard to break. Sometimes, at just the wrong time, a series of events will hit you in a certain place and shit goes down. It doesn't mean you can't stop it in the future simply because you couldn't stop it this time. It doesn't mean you've weak either for giving in. Look for the stressors and the situations you were in that pushed you over the edge. Think about ways for how to mitigate the impulse in the future. Make it really fucking difficult to get to your self-harm tools. I'm talking annoyingly difficult. If it is too inconvenient when the impulse comes, you're less likely to follow through. But it's been a year, so you might have your own system. Let's refine it more. This is not the end.

It might be someday, but it is not toady and we are going to fight for tomorrow.

It is up to you how you talk about it. I tend to think it's better to speak about it when you have a clear head, but sometimes you need someone there when you're going down. I get that. Just understand that not everyone has encountered or lived this. And even if they have, they might still say the wrong thing because they simply don't know what to say or they end up saying what they would like to hear, but that doesn't mean that is what you want to hear. And sometimes you don't even know what you want to hear. It's a fucking mess. I know.

Despite all that, you want to tell him and I think you should, because he can't understand you unless he has at least a glimpse of what is going on in your head. Please don't put the pressure on him to have the answers. There are no answers anyway. Instead, come to the conversation with ways that he can support you or brainstorm them together. What are the things you want him to say? What can he do to help you get your mind off it? What can he and you do to prevent or lessen the stressors? What are some signs you exhibit when you're especially anxious or impulsive? Are there patterns? Specific days / times / cycles? He will be less scared if he feels more prepared and knows you better.

I hope it doesn't happen in the future, but if it does, you are not shit. You might act shitty sometimes, but not that does not mean all the work you've done so far is for naught. Finding your signs is one of the most important things you can do. Try various solutions. Don't get discouraged if one doesn't work. Trust me, the same solution / distraction / what worked last time will not work every time and that is okay. Humans are changing creatures. We may have patterns but we also have the ability to break the ones we no longer want by reframing how we think about them and changing our mental environment. This is not all you are.

It is part of you but it will not be the end of you.

Trust me. You have already begun the change. You can talk about it and that, in it of itself, means you are not weak. I might be a random, but I'm also not, hm? I'm not a therapist, but I've lived it. Heh, listen to Yoongi. Future's gonna be okay. One day, you'll look back and see how far you've come. It's murky now, but the fog and the clouds will lift. You have the tools to move forward. You can, and will, do this.

[marriage-and-equality]

marriage-equality

My marriage ended after 20 years this is my vent.

I’m currently on the same street as the old house but she still lives there. I get to see the new relationship every day and it’s killing me. I feel cheated and disrespected every day.

In the recent past we were trying to work it out. Both of us were guilty of similar crimes and no one was innocent. New rules and boundaries were set and agreed to. And I thought we were okay.

on a random day I was called and accused of cheating that second…. Fighting anger loud shitty words etc and again both of us. No innocent people here. Multiple offers to watch the ring camera videos and prove “your mistaken im telling you the truth” verification is refused. No one watched the video….. but its ok no worries… we just agreed that if we are offended proof of innocence and we refuse to look at it then we are innocent by default. And we both know that is the case….

time passes space is given contact or communication is refused for weeks and weeks.

when communicating starts again it’s been a month. But hey sometimes it’s just hard and like that. We talk regularly for about 3 weeks. And completely by accident only because I said things that were upsetting (but only because I didn’t know what had changed about the situation) i am finally told that my marriage has ended and that in under 2 weeks she had a boyfriend. It took 6 weeks for me to find out. Awesome!!

but why and what happened???? I was told that I wasn’t willing to tell the truth even when I was caught…. Uuuhhhhhh I offered to show you a video and you could see that I was telling the truth. Well I still haven’t seen that video. Um??? I’m confused right now. You set a rule—im innocent by default. You refused and when you were still angry I figured it was knowing that I was innocent and not a big deal. It has a 2 week loop before it’s lost. You knew it was offered why not say anything in the 2 weeks? Call me out watch it yourself and tell me you’re eyes are lying for me… im sorry it’s gone now but you made the rule. I’m innocent by default.

well I told you I was done with this before I hung up that day so you knew…. Uhhh not to be a asshole but you made a rule that if we argue and something is said it’s words of anger and nothing changes for us until we are both calm and have a conversation about it. So we were together until we talked 5 weeks later. Nothing changed for us at all until 3weeks after you had a boyfriend. I really feel like you have been actively committing adultery for the whole time and you don’t care. I am told that she will go to her grave feeling like I am guilty unless I can prove myself innocent with the videos I offered to show and are now gone. OK baby I get it. I understand out of curiosity if I can actually make some phone calls and retrieve this shit from some server and a dark room somewhere and have them emailed directly to you so I don’t even get them before you do and you can watch them or we can watch them together, and you know I’m innocent what happens? Absolutely nothing happens because we’re past that point. I’ve already moved on. I’ve already this I’ve already done. OK I understand. I’m not stupid but if you moved on because you’re wrong and I didn’t do that, and I can prove it a guy that you had never met before the day we got into this fight and you were actively a couple and less than 14 days And is now moving into the house prior to me even knowing I don’t have a marriage. That guy is more important than over 20 years of your life really I’m so worthless. I can be thrown away because someone thought I did something and then wouldn’t look at a video , they refused to be wrong about something I didn’t do and I can go fuck myself I guess….. it took two more days but I did get an apology. It was wrong to not make sure or do what she wanted done herself and move on and start something fresh without even making sure I knew.

Hooray for me. So the point I really felt worthless and down desirable pretty much like a meal ticket like I wasn’t even intelligent enough to know what made me happy or what I wanted or what I found attractive or what was enough for me I am not even intelligent enough to have any idea about what those things are to me, someone has to tell me so that I can know that I’m supposed to be unhappy or want something else or what have you thank God I was told.

and there have been talks since then where I have been told we are toxic for each other and maybe I really am stupid because I don’t understand how we can be completely fine not toxic and actually in a good place and pretty much through it and ready to live together again if we can be there and no shit three minute text message later I can be lying. We can have this fight this blow out get pissed off and be pissed off because you’re completely wrong about something at that point when you’re wrong we toxic for each other. Am I following you????? Well of course we were actually toxic before that fight and again OK how far before were we toxic because two days before we spent the night together we spent the whole next day talking about how great it was and we both missed it and you know like I think we’re gonna be OK and you know I really needed human contact and the closeness back-and-forth all day the next day happy after spending the night together? It didn’t feel very toxic to me. Of course we were toxic on the day of the fight because that fight happened while she was at work and I was home and she knew they lost her job. So she knew we were toxic we had to get away from each other. I mean that’s OK if you feel I can take that I would rather take that day or maybe the day after not the month and after months, but I can take it. I was annoyed and got really loud and obnoxious feeling like you wouldn’t watch the video that prove I was innocent and I got shitty and I own it and I’m sorry I wish I could change it, but I can’t regret it but it is I’ll give you all that you’re right you don’t need to tell me all that I agree But please at least give me it. 50-50 blame no offense but as obnoxious and shitty as I was, you made a decision to call me while you were at work. Yell scream me out. Call me a liar refuse to let me show you you were wrong just pissed off, angry and bitching And after a little while, I got wound up and I got shitty because I felt like I was wrongly accused and you didn’t care 50-50. If you hadn’t called me there’s no fucking way I would’ve gotten shitty and pissy and called you and started bitching at you about something that had not happened , we’re both guilty. And that is pretty much been my life ever since we can talk we can be adults about stuff when we have to, but almost always evolves into how much she wishes. It was different how much she wishes it happened a day later anything she still loves me and she still even wants to be with me Right now she’s far enough along. It would be bad for her. After that we get, he’s really helping me heal. I could be doing that right now. I don’t trust you. You don’t trust me for a bullshit reason and you know I am innocent at least by default. Well, I really felt like you didn’t care and you didn’t want me so I decided to go ahead and move on but again, nobody asked Me! Well, it would just be wrong and cruel and shitty to do that to him. He doesn’t deserve that think about how bad it hurt you. Again days, a couple months nothing timewise over 20 years. It would be wrong to her. A guy who is so invested there is only us no individual fuck him. Some dude has been around for a couple of months. That guy can’t hurt him because it’s been a couple months. He’s not that invested and he will get the fuck over it real quick altering bullshit from 20……

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, Jane Crocker

Act 6, page 4571

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: ALART ALART ARLART AL*ERT AL*ART!!!!!

TG: hugely important cornespondence

TG: paging doctor crocker

TG: rolal to docrock

GG: :?

TG: heh heh

TG: paging

TG: bet you would like to get PAGED huh jane

TG: *sweet innuendo

GG: I'm not sure that qualifies as innuendo at all.

TG: wonkwonkwonkwonkwonk

GG: I honestly think you misspell things intentionally more often than not, regardless of blood alcohol content.

GG: You just typed wonk five times in a row!

TG: i have only junst begun to wonk

GG: What is this urgent thing about, anyway?

GG: Is it about your boobytrap?

GG: Because you're too late. It already blew up my whole bedroom, thank you very much.

TG: no no

TG: i mean i still feel shitty about that but its not abiout that

TG: i know you already ran it i been talking to the shades

GG: Yes, me too. Right now in fact, and I'm in a bit of a hurry!

GG: What is this about? What are you even doing?

TG: im in the lab doing a thing with my cat

TG: but that doesnt matter i was doing some thingkin and was still feeling guilty about fuckin up ur computer and all of the sudden im in bff~ath mode here

TG: so i gotta tell you something u need to know before its too late

GG: Before what's too late?

TG: you and jake hookin up stupid!

GG: Oh my god.

TG: this is about turnin all your steamydreamz in to STEAMAY REALTITIES

TG: ***realities lolo

GG: This isn't happening now...

TG: whereins jc + je kiss & hug loads and start turnin out big heaps of wrigglers the old fashioned way<3<3,3,3<338O!!!!

TG: i cant decide whether this mental image porcolating here is hot as shit or cute as fuck......

GG: No! Cease your lascivious porcolating at once!

GG: Roxy, I can see you're set on just wasting more of my time.

GG: I understand if you don't wish to play this game, but please try not to interfere with those of us who do!

TG: no no im fine with playing just shut up

TG: this is serious you need to tell him how u feel VERY SOON

TG: or you might miss your chance

GG: My chance?

GG: What are you talking about?

TG: i found out today taht dirks gonna make a move

GG: A move? You mean, a romantic one?

TG: yes

GG: On you?

TG: omfffgggggg

TG: JANE GET A CLUE

GG: Um.

GG: On me?

TG: no

TG: no my dear sweet janey not on you

TG: ON JAKE!!!

GG: Oh.

GG: Ohhh.

GG: I didn't think...

GG: That...

GG: Hrm.

GG: Are you sure?

TG: p sure ask glasses if u want

GG: Well then.

GG: This is quite a development.

GG: Poor Dirk!

TG: what do you mean

GG: Well, surely when he reveals his feelings, Jake will...

TG: ??

GG: I mean...

GG: He couldn't possibly...

TG: wut

TG: repriprocate?

GG: Yes?

TG: why not

GG: Because Jake is not a homosexual!

TG: mm hm

TG: are u suuuuuure???

GG: Are you saying he is?

TG: nope

GG: Then what are you saying?

TG: im saying that

TG: i dont fuckin know

GG: But...

GG: I thought it reasonable to presume he takes a shining to ladies.

GG: He does speak fondly of certain females from his favorite films, does he not?

TG: true that

TG: but

TG: how much does that really mean here jane

TG: can you be totes sure on account a some dorky moive crushes

GG: Well, now I just don't know. You have me completely bamboozled about this.

GG: What do you think?

TG: all im saying is

TG: my gaydar is like the exanct fuckin poposite of urs

TG: which is to say it is better than completety nonexistant

TG: mine is so sensitive it has been used to sweep the ocean floor for mythical sea monsters

TG: turns out

TG: all of those monsters are SO gay

TG: truth B)

GG: Okay. Then what does your acute seabeast scanner make of Jake, then?

TG: thats what im sayin

TG: i really have no idea

TG: kid is a goggamn egnigma

TG: hes as hard 2 read as fine print

TG: and how i do mean FIIINE ;)

GG: Oh brother.

GG: Then, your guess is as good as mine?

GG: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to conclude from this.

TG: youre supposed to concluce

TG: that you SAID you were going to believe anything i said today remember??

GG: Yes.

GG: But you just said you don't know!!!

TG: exactly

TG: therefore you must believe me when i say

TG: if dirk lets on all his feelins there is at least a CHANCE jake will go like DERP OK DUDE LETS MAKE OUT

TG: and that means poor jane is screwed without ever even throwing her filthy old fedora in the ring

TG: it is a ring i lke ot call TEH ENGLISH SPEEPSTAKES

TG: and if u dont youll regret it

TG: and i mean

TG: OFFICIALLY?

TG: i cant have a horse in the race

TG: wait bad metaphor ebcause of dirk and his fucking horstes n/m

TG: like you are both my friends and im not out to mess him up or anything

TG: but i kinda owe it to you as my friend to let you know whats up

TG: and also to get you to stop being such a WORLD CHAMPIAN TIGHTASS

TG: and let jake know

GG: Oh, not this tightass baloney again.

TG: jane

GG: What?

TG: jaane..

GG: ...

TG: jc your are the tightassiest tightass who ever tightened up an ass

GG: No way!

GG: We settled this, remember?

GG: My prior resolution made it definitive; I was to be regarded as exceedingly permissive in certain respects!

TG: jane i am afraid

TG: that ur bottom

TG: is a stubborn clam

TG: guarding priceless treasure

TG: and a deadly secret

GG: So ridiculous. >:P

TG: im not saying be an idiot and start gushing at him incoherentry

TG: but do SOMETHING

TG: say how u feel

TG: or flirst a bit or ask him out on a date inside the fuckin game or such

TG: goddamn ANYTHING other that a bunch of bullshitty pining and tightassy NOTHING

TG: you have to do what i say u promised

GG: I promised to BELIEVE what you say, not DO it!

TG: those 2 things are

TG: prespicely the same shit

GG: If I agree to say something, will you stop tormenting me about it??

TG: yes

TG: but only

TG: because that will be impossible for me to do

TG: when u + him r snoggin hard in motherfuckin makeout paradise

TG: A K A SEX LAND

GG: Fine.

GG: But let the record show that this resolution has almost nothing whatsoever to do with your use of the phrase "SEX LAND."

GG: Just...

GG: I need to think of what to say, and wait for the right moment. Is that ok???

TG: sure

TG: just dont wait too long

TG: and dont underestimate striders wiles

TG: nor jakes...

TG: lets say

TG: open mindedness???????

GG: Well,

GG: He does often profess his love for adventure, I suppose.

TG: yuuup................

GG: Omg.

GG: I really don't have a moment to spare, do I?

TG: ur finally gettin it

TG: now go

TG: and jane im warning u

TG: if you dont say somethin to him

TG: i am personally entering the game specivically to FUCK UR SHIT UP

TG: *LOLLIES OUTIE*

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

[tears-of-boredom]

you know, if someone asked me to say a complete lie, i would say: "I have a perfectly normal and healthy relationship to food and the act of eating.",, one time i had such a good eating routine going on that i realised just how little i actually crave sweets and stuff when im not hungry. and that makes me really sad actually. because i was aware of that fact, sure, but not to what extent it went. so now, anytime i eat something sweet, i am acutely aware of how im only doing it because im struggling to eat "real food". which makes me feel guilty. and also like a very disappointing person. because to my brain, if im aware of something i do, some behaviour of mine, and i still continue to do it, its on purpose. if im aware of it, i am choosing to do that. and that is fucking stupid, i know, but this shit run so deep in me at this point that pointing out how stupid these kinds of thoughts of mine are only makes me lean into them more. because people make it seem like its so easy to just not think them, so clearly they wouldve gone away if i could rid them so easily. so i dont even make an effort to rid them. because its hard to rid them, and i think taht being aware of how damaging they are is enough. whe nit fucking isnt. okay im drving myself into some kinda of fucking hole here im gonna go red some smut or something to distract myself.....well.... i mean.... crying and feeling really shitty doesnt sound too bad rn.... god i am such a ........there is something wrong with me that i choose to breakdown liek this. and in the back of my mind i awlwyas tell myself its for attentiuon. but its not. the "attention" im seeking for is just someone who would come and comfort me in a way i would enjoy. and also sometimes i drive myself into a mess as a weird way to validate my feelings of sadness and just...everything. if im crying, surely i must havei t bad right. but also once again im aware of taht. so i .......

okay im gonna just log off now. im soeey. that was a typo. im not looking at thescreen and i know taht was a typo. i font wanna fic it. nor do i want to fix either of those ones. im just gonna go now.. ywah.