#i feel really really really shitty and guilty and even if im right im still the one feeling like trash and crying rn

[miya-rin]

“what the fuck do you two think youre doing?”

shit, you think, you didnt notice the balcony door had been slid open until you heard the voice of one of your brothers. you start to pull away from suna’s lips which earns you a small whine from his end, his grip tightens around you and honestly it its quite cute the way he is trying so hard to savour the moment. “come back later, we’re kinda busy.” the boy mutters before trying to move your face away from the distraction so that he can kiss you once more.

“suna you get your hands off of her right now, i dont give a fuck that its your birthday.” osamu pipes up, he looks furious and a little bit disgusted, if it hadnt been for the situation youre in right now you would think its kind of funny.

“samu lay off him, it was a mutual agreement, im just as guilty as he is ok?” that does not seem to help the boys understand, if anything they seem even more angry with you both.

“what the fuck do you mean it was a mutual agreement? are you two hooking up or something? yn he just turned 18 a few hours ago are you forgetting that?” atsumu says, he is rambling on with every excuse he can think of as to why this is “so wrong”, from the corner of your eye you can see suna trying so very hard to hide the grin that is creeping its way onto his face, his hands still all over you despite the fact that you arent alone anymore.

“listen, it was his birthday wish ok? i swear it didn’t mean anything,” sunas grip begins to loosen ever so slightly, “i just though it would get him off my back and get him over his little crush on me.” suna’s facial expression shifts but you choose to ignore it, you have bigger problems to deal with at the moment.

“no this is not ok, how would you feel if me or samu kissed one of your friends because it was their birthday wish?”

“that’s different, why would my friends want to kiss either of you?”

“excuse me? ill have you know that many women want to kiss me! and dont think youre getting off the hook either suna, ill make sure you never-“ you dont even want to hear the threat that is about to come out of his mouth, you just want to get out of this shitty situation.

“boys please, just give us five minutes to talk and then we will be back inside ok? i promise.” your efforts to plead with your brothers finally work.

“…fine,” atsumu mumbles, “but this better be a one time thing. im not gonna deal with you two being all lovey dovey around me.” and with that he lightly tugs on osamu’s sleeve, signalling him to walk back inside and continue the party. he closes the balcony door but not before bringing two fingers up to his eyes and then pointing them at the two of you. its a warning.

you turn back to suna and notice the sad look on his face - he looks kinda cute like this, “so, what do-“.

“did you really mean what you just said to them?” the poor boy looks heartbroken, after waiting three years to finally have a chance with the girl he loves wants the moment is ruined like that? “did you actually just do that so i would leave you alone?” his hands fully leave your body now and he takes a step back to put some distance between you two.

“well i mean sort of yeah… ive never looked at you in any way other than my brothers best friend if im going to be honest, i dont know if thats because of the age difference or what but ive never thought we could be anything.” the look of hurt is prominent on his face no matter how hard he tries to hide it, normally playful banter would have been thrown back and forth between the two of you but rintarou just stays silent, an indication that youve fucked up.

“listen suna i dont know what you want me to say, i wasnt really thinking when i said that to atsumu it just came out. i am 4 years older than you and many people would not approve of us if i decided to give you a chance.”

“who cares? i could treat you so right if you would just let me. i have waited entirely too long for this moment, all im asking for is one date.”

“you said that about the kiss too, one thing is never enough with you is it? you always need more.” a playful smile creeps onto your face which is outshined by the one on sunas, he knows that your smile means that you agree to go on a date with him.

“i really hope you arent fucking with me right now, that would be so cruel, especially on my birthday.”

“oh give the birthday excuse a rest now will you? you dont need to keep on at me you have already got what you want.”

“mhm i absolutely have,” he walks closer and once again wraps his arms around you, placing a hand under your jawbone to make you look up at him, “and i couldnt be happier.” he states as he pulls you in for a passionate kiss once more <3

[itastelikesand]

Oh it's Also missing someone like I've never felt before. Jesus Christ it's like I can't catch my breath

Love that I'm experiencing a completely new kind of isolation to me

[lorryicious]

I dont think Bill would feel guilty about killing his parents, which might be the only thing hes ever actually felt guilty about, if they had been shitty.

I absolutely don't think Bill's parents were entirely shitty, or Bill ACTUALLY resenting his dad. It's super complicated. Because relationships with parents are complex in real life. They could have had evil ways of reacting to Bill's visions (which is canon), and they probably lashed out, neglected, or said the wrong things. In the end, Bill LOVED his parents, like many of us do despite parent issues. And Bills parents loved him (which is canon that Bills parents loved him despite him having his weird habits and strange eye).

Euclid, in my headcanons, is a shitty dad, but Bill still wanted to make him proud and love him. I'm sure Bill had his complicated feelings about his dad (theory AND headcanon-wise), but he loved him :( And Bill's dad could have been cruel, but I like to think parallel-wise with Stans dad, Filbrick only wanted the best for Stanley. He was SO cruel and so harsh and a bad dad, but he tried to do things because he thought it would toughen Stan up. I think it was the same with Bills dad, even if it doesn't make it right. Plus I think Bill doesn't JUST feel guilty about his parents- I mean, an entire dimension. THE GUILT GOES SOO DEEP ITS WILD. I LOVE THINKING ABOUT HOW COMPLICATED BILL IS!!!! WOO!! I actually do it makes me so happy.

All of this is not canon info btw!! Just thoughts I have about the possible dynamic of Bills family. Alot of it is speculation/headcanon stuff.

anyway im really yapping on here. Love it.

[bitchimasnake-sss]

"i thought you got possessed-" ft. luffy!

ft. luffy x fem!reader

set-up: you're pms-ing and he is such a dumbass. but that doesn't mean he isn't out here being the bestest boy ever. (please excuse his dumbassery, he was dropped on his head as a child)

warnings: none! very wholesome lol

- please dont get confused, this man has no idea how periods work - like how is it humanly possible for you to bleed and then stay alive and kicking? seems made up tbh - one eventful evening (before you both started dating), you and nami had to sit him down and give him a long-ass biology lesson, explaining what the whole phenomenon is, what pms-ing is and yada-yada - before this, he firmly believed that every once a while a demon possessed you all (and he saw absolutely no issue with that, what a fucking icon) "ohhh" he's laughing, "so that's what it is? i thought you guys like got possessed" "excuse me?" nami's on the verge to hit him in the head again and you're wondering if the constant hits are the reason luffy's braincells are (half) dead "i see, i see. i get it now" - he lied, he still doesn't quite get it - but its fine - so, it is just another random tuesday and (post-dating) you know syou love luffy. but holy shit, if he yelled "YN DOLPHIN!! LOOK LOOK A DOLPHIN! SUGEEEEEE" and giggled again, you might yell at him. you really do love him but if he stole your food one more time, you're convinced you might smack him too. "luffy" your voice was unusually low, devoid of any warmth, "stop that." "whatt" he whined, grinning afterwards as he scooped up more food from your plate "luffy. i said STOP IT." your voice rose higher and silence hung uncomfortably over the dinner table - luffy just looks at you dumbfounded - the way you're fisting your hand on the table and looking at him has the crew afraid that youre gonna murder the captain in cold blood - well, i mean ur considering the possibility too, so, you mumble a half-ass apology and return back to your room to be alone - lying against the soft sheets, you can smell the citrus detergent and oh boy, now you feel guilty - i mean god, that's luffy, that was nothing out of the ordinary for him. why did you yell at him? fuck, are you a horrible girlfriend?? - oh boy, now the tears are welling up too - "yn?" luffy whispers as he slips into the room, closing the door behind him and now you're really crying - i mean look at him, why did you yell at him? - "im so sorry, i don't know why i yelled at you, that was so shitty of me-" "hey, it's okay" he's hugging you tight, "you did nothing wrong, i can be a little bit dumb sometimes. i should have not taken your food" "what? no, i am not mad about that. i, i dunno-" you sniff, "maybe i'm just pms-ing?" "huh??" - took a while for him to remember but now that you've jogged up his memory, he looks so guilty, so, he spends the entire evening apologizing and offering you food, he even promises that he wouldn't point out dolphins every time he sees them (you had to reassure him that he can continue doing that)

- but now onwards, this lovely himbo tries to keep in check what he's saying, often giving you a lingering look as if asking "this is fine right?"

- but now you've got your personal defender!! - ussop made a joke and you're not laughing (because it wasn't that funny tbh) and luffy is ready to smack ussop and tell him to "not annoy" you. zoro is being dumb and luffy can see it on your face that he's pissing you off lowkey, so, he will actually tell zoro to not be a dick - mf just starts picking up fights left and right for your sake and now you have to give him another long ass lesson to make it stop - ps: he does not stop. - this man turns into a chihuahua, anything bothering you must be struck down. - very, very observant from now on too. he needs to make sure you're feeling good - also asked sanji to make your favourite desert - he just loves you so much and wants you to be as comfortable as possible (still doesn't know how female anatomy works though-)

a/n: omg i luv him such a dumbass

zoro's link <3 sanji's link <3

[carpedzem]

hi

under the cut i want to talk a little bit, maybe overshare as well. ill try to keep it short (rereading nat here. i didnt). its a sad post, might make some of you angry but not for the reasons you think

i was staying away on purpose, but a few people asked about me so i wanted to let you know that hey, im lurking, im waiting to see what happens. maybe some things will change in the future but im putting it out here so its all in one place

i think i want to start with saying thank you again for sticking around, supporting my art and my thoughts and having discussions with me. i really opened up about myself and what I created here. im very anxious person and it influences my life on every level, so being heard, seeing people laughing at my jokes, loving my art has been so so important to me

about the situation, the gogcident if you will, i logged out as soon as i saw things going down and been getting updates though different source. and while situation is still on going and i dont know where it will go, as how it ends, theres two or three things im firm on that will always be true for me:

i really hate how believe all victims turns into believe everyone who speaks first, no matter what they say, no matter context, no matter proof. the first statement made in this case was untrue in a lot of important details and while i dont think caitis feeling are wrong or invalid i think her first statement made this situation into something it isnt. i think every victim should be heard but attacking everyone who was accused right away is not a solution

i do believe that everyone who was accused of anything has every right to defend themselves. the way its constantly taken away from dteam is not lost on me and its insane and upsetting

you can be traumatized by the events that werent in its core meant to be traumatizing. sometimes people act shitty and leave scars on you and sometimes you can do the same to other people

edited note bc i want this to be here as well: guilty until proven innocent is a crazy mindset and i cannot imagine situation that i would allow it. some idiots dont even realise how dangerous rhetoric that is. including accusers not being obligated to provide any proof of their claims

twt is the worst thing to deal with any discourse, misunderstanding or any delicate situation. i think no ones there cares for any victims period. i wish that place the worst

okay so what now. i havent decided yet. georges and dreams moves so far confirmed for me that no matter what happened it wasnt with malicious intentions. ill wait to see how this plays out and then ill decide about my next steps. one think i did for sure is i uninstalled twt from my phone (and that already bit my ass the moment dream started his space…) that part of fandom, both people who like (liked?) and hate dream is so damn self-destructive, toxic, manipulative and performative it wasnt worth it anymore. for here, i dont know yet. i dont hate dteam, i think this is very unfortunate and sad and complicated situation that left people very deeply hurt. and i wish it wasnt this way and im pretty sure dteam also wish that. but they cant change it and i cant change it even more

now this is something i dont really know how to tell you but let me try. i never mentioned this bc when i had those realizations, it was too late, everyone moved on and i felt stupid for dwelling on this. i feel stupid now, typing this. the thing is, drituation left me quite traumatized. fucking pathetic, i know. the sudden explosion of fandom left me really badly hurt. i lost a lot of people i genuinely believed to be friends with, and i miss them dearly. i felt, fuck it, still feel deeply betrayed by some of them. i dont want people guess who is who thats not the point, those people moved on long time ago. but that hurt has been really difficult to deal with, especially since realistically i know its quite stupid. crying over some people who were following me back for a few months? but i tried to let myself heal and grow love for this community again and i thought we will be okay. drituation felt like the end of the world but we got through it and I thought we are smarter. and well. im not trying to blame anyone or even a whole community, idk maybe i want to blame the universe for putting me here or society for working this way i dont know. but im hurting and i need to find a better way to deal with things going the wrong way. and it deeply upsets me but im afraid that i have to learn how to love you all less. and i honestly dont know yet what that means, how moving forward will look like. i dont have to make this decision now so i let myself stay away from social media for a while still and then go with presented situation the best i can. i dont try to make anyone responsible for my wellbeing i want to make this clear. im just trying to share my feelings and give you context for whatever happen in the nearest future. no matter what i need more healthy relationship not even with ccs but with community itself (and if you see me rebloging hazbin hotel fanarts. spare me...)

in this place i do want to state that no matter what i dont think dteam are bad people. im not closing myself at possibility of participating in the fandom, probably less though things i mentioned earlier. but if any of those things make you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to unfollow/softblock

im leaving my askbox open if anyone has anything to say, add, or idk, scream at me. not sure if i answer any tho. also if i delete this post in the next 10 minutes out of embarrassment then well, haha

on the final note i want once again thank you all for supporting me when i needed help for my cat. you all did something amazing, something i will never forget and i wish to hug everyone of you in person. thank you

see you around. one day. maybe tomorrow maybe in 10 days. idk

and if you are moving on in different direction, if we ever meet again, dont be a stranger

[calzone-d]

What about when your mad at Ted and you feel bad for snapping at him?

(Hi it's me, and I have terrible PMS rn lmao)

sorry this is a lil short, it's finals week!

thanks for sending this in, anon!

you can find my masterlist here.

-----

It was one of those days where every little thing irritated the shit out of you. People breathing too loud, chewing too obnoxiously, your hair being extremely frizzy for no reason- everything was just annoying.

Ted came home in a particularly upbeat mood, which you normally adored to see. You still did, you just was hoping for some space to decompress from your day before spending the evening socializing with him. It wasn’t anything against him, you just needed to be alone.. in silence.

“Hey darlin’! Ooh-wee I can’t wait to tell you about what happened out on the pitch today. You see-“

You nodded and hummed occasionally at his story, not as invested as you should’ve been, but even the simple act of cooking dinner was taking everything in you.

Ted continued to ramble on about his day as you cooked. You spilled some rice on the oven- no big deal, you’d clean it later. Then, you checked the chicken in the oven only to find that it was burnt.

“Shit!”, your frustrated voice interrupted Ted’s story.

“What’s the matter?”

“I burnt the fucking food, and there’s such a mess to clean up and-“

Ted cut you off with an optimistic, “We can worry about it after dinner, hun.”

Before you could stop yourself, your temper got the best of you.

“No, Ted! I don’t want to just deal with it later! Im fucking exhausted and I just want to spend a quiet night in bed!”

Ted’s brows furrowed as you continued, “And I love you, and I love hearing about your day but I just- I can’t right now!”

He left you with a quiet, “Well alright, then�� before heading to the living room. Though you were thankful for a few moments to yourself, you knew you were in the wrong.

Ted came and fixed himself a plate a few minutes later, but took it back into the living room without saying a word. You felt guilty. It would’ve been so easy to just be open with him, but on top of being irritated you were trying to do a million things at once, which wasn’t a great combination.

You cleaned up dinner, and put on your pajamas before taking a seat next to Ted on the couch. He didn’t say anything as you sat down, even as your eyes met.

“Ted.. I’m sorry.”, your voice was soft.

He nodded for you to continue.

“Today was just so.. so frustrating and jam-packed and I was hoping for some time to decompress but then dinner went the way it did, and I felt bad for not listening to your story but I just really needed a few moments to myself.”

After a few seconds he spoke, “Then why didn’t ya just ask me?”

His voice stayed calm and gentle, fitting for the man you loved. You were worried you’d stuck a nerve, especially with the wounds Michelle left him with. The last thing you wanted was for him to think he was ‘too much’. Still, it would’ve been so much easier to just ask for space when he got home. It wasn’t his fault you pushed yourself too far.

“That’s what I should’ve done, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you thinking I didn’t care, or didn’t want to hear about your day-“

“There’s a big difference between not carin’ and just needin’ a moment.”

You slowly nodded as your eyes cast downward. “I know. I should’ve just asked for some time alone, instead of snapping at you. My shitty day had nothing to do with you.. and I don’t want you to think it did.”

He shook his head as he shuffled closer to you, “Darlin’, that’s fine. Just ask next time, okay? I don’t like seein’ you all stressed.”

Your head fell against his shoulder as you finally smiled for the first time all day. “I’ll work on finding better ways to communicate that. Thank you for listening.. I’d love to hear about your day before bed?”

One of Ted’s hands reached down to cup your cheek so that he could pull you in for a kiss. He kissed you gently, and lovingly. When he pulled away his hand smoothed over the top of your head before he pressed another kiss there.

“Sounds like a plan, stan. Now, you tell me what we’re watchin’ tonight.”

He pulled you in close as you both settled together on the couch.

thanks for reading!

[fuutaprotectionsquad]

Yknow I feel like I should have a main post where I share my Milgram opinions/verdicts (thought of this bc i was writing my sister's opinion on the milgram characters). So I'll go character by character.

Will anyone read this? I don't know but its here

Haruka: I relate to him a bit (shitty mother, intrusive homicidal thoughts, neurodivergence). I def feel bad for him but hes still really guilty in my mind. I just think the whole killing for attention thing is a really dangerous mindset you can't just get out of, especially if you're being told you're not in the wrong. And it definitely seems like he doesn't actually feel bad for the girl he killed, just feels bad because people are mad at him for it. Idk. But I enjoy his dynamic with Muu a lot, even tho its toxic i just think its really interesting. But I wish him the best and he deserves a hug. His songs are mid tho (/hj i like them)

Yuno: I love her personality and I think shes so fun, but I honestly don't think about her a lot compared to the others. But I love her and specifically enjoy her dynamics with (obv mostly in fan content) Kazui, Mahiru and Fuuta. Her and Fuuta are such a good platonic ship (romantic is fun too). Innocent vote, obv. I like her songs, but Tear Drop moreso than Umbilical.

Fuuta: Oh my god I wonder what I think of him. In all seriousness he's a major hyperfixation of mine at like every given moment. I adore him and i think he deserves better and to be innocent. Like he feels so guilty for what he did and he didn't know any better, everyone around him was encouraging his behavior and praising him for it. But then it got too far and all his friends abandoned him and blamed him like. Poor fuuta :( and he's like 100% right when he says him and es are exactly the same. On another note, major fan of 0309 (romantically, but either way works), and also love his dynamic with Haruka, Yuno, Mahiru, Amane and Es. His songs are both in my top three (backdraft being #1)

Muu: Tied for my fav character(? Fuuta might beat her idk) I love her personality and vibe and everything just ❤️❤️ queen shit. And her queen bee design is gorgeous. Typically my favs are men but shes one of the first women ive hyperfixated on this much. Again, love her dynamic with Haruka, not from a like. healthy relationships could make the characters better standpoint, but from a story perspective its interesting. But yeah guilty. As for her songs, INMF is my #2 and i like After Pain

Shidou: Honestly I used to be kinda indifferent about him and just found him to be boring but then I rewatched his voice dramas and read some fics and I like him more now. I feel really bad for him bc he went through a really shitty situation which he felt he had the power to change and was stuck in a shitty moral dilemma bc of it. And in the end he did shitty things to save those he loved and it didn't even matter. He feels so guilty and doesn't deserve it. Innocent <3. Also romantic 0507 ftw (0506 is cool too). Him and Amane are silly too. As for his songs i like them, but they're not my fav

Mahiru: i like her, but im not too like. invested in her ig. But i feel bad for her :( she just wants to feel love and like. clearly she did something wrong but she didn't know she was. She never intended to hurt anyone. So innocent. Unless we find out she like. did something really fucking bad then maybe guilty. But in I Love You it implies it was a mutual toxicity so it probably wasn't something super terrible? But anyway. I love her with like all the characters cuz shes just so fun to see interact w others, but specifically with Yuno, Fuuta, Shidou, Amane and Mikoto.

Kazui: Hes so fun i love him. Like all he wants is to be honest and be himself but he feels pressured to lie and then finally he tells the truth and his wife fucking kills herself like- jeez- poor guy. Like following the gay theory, i get why she mightve done it (imagine being told the romance you built your entire life around for like 20 years was all a lie, and that your husband never actually loved you and just pretended to and every time you kissed or something he was just pretending like. that sucks poor hinako) but its so awful that he had to go thru that. But anyway innocent, kazui come out we accept you. And stan 0507. Song wise cat is easily #4 but. half is ok ig

Amane: Yknow i love amane but I also hate her and i think part of that might be the fandom? idk. I feel sorry for her bc she grew up in such a shitty situation but also i think shes beyond the point where we can uninstill those ideologies. Like shes 12, not 5. And amane says it herself that she has as much of a free will as everyone else and that her decision to kill/stay in this environment should be valued. Not that i think she should remain in this abusive situation, but she's not just some innocent kid whose being manipulated, she knows what she's doing. Hence, guilty. I don't think either vote will change her or anything so im voting with my honest opinion. As for dynamics, i love seeing her interact with all the other prisoners, but especially Shidou and Fuuta.

Mikoto: I love mikoto a lot but im so on the fence about his verdict. Ive been voting him innocent but theres still a part of me thats like. debating it. Bc he shouldn't have to be punished for John's actions, and it sucks that that's the situation hes in, but its that or more murders are left to occur. The main reason i say innocent is under the idea that John could go dormant or just stop fronting as much if we reduce mikoto's stress (like he says will happen i think). But hes so complex and fun i love mikoto. Specifically i love romantic 0309 but also his dynamic w the smoking group and mahiru. Also i love his songs.

Kotoko: I love her but also fuck her for hurting fuuta (and mahiru too but mainly fuuta). She annoys me bc she was so quick to almost murder several people based on a preliminary verdict that was made using little information. Like she knew this wasn't a concrete verdict, but attacked them anyway. I get her ideology of "kill people who evade justice to protect the weak" but only when they've actually done bad things (ie. the guy kidnapping the little girl). But when she doesn't know what they did and knows the person accusing them doesn't either???? Like bruh. But i like her character shes fun. I like seeing how she interacts with es and everyone she attacked. And songs, harrow is okay and i really like deep cover.

Whew im done.

[bellysoupset]

SOUP!!! i know you’re focusing on the thanksgiving stuff rn and slay yes go off but this is me begging you to torture wendy sometime soon <3333 i know you know i love her and i’m trying SO hard not to be annoying about requesting her too much but ,,,, the type of dopamine i get whenever i read one of *those* fics (wen as sickie) is truly unreal and i’ve been craving it sm lately (and i’ve already reread all your old ones *almost* too many times LMAO) 🤭 also PLS DONT TAKE THIS AS ME PRESSURING YOU OR EXPECTING THINGS FROM YOU‼️‼️‼️ THATS THE LAST THING I WANT‼️‼️ THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO‼️‼️‼️ im just putting this out there to gently suggest that you torture her whenever you have the time and energy to lolll <3

the trope can be literally anything you want but i’m really feeling a migraine fic 👀 like a bad one!!! but having her kind of hide it until she can’t anymore? and then vin maybe feeling all guilty about not noticing it sooner + him being all soft and adorable and worried? smiling and blushing just thinking about this ahhhh

thank u sm i love u

🦦

And 🧷 asked:

HI Just jumping on board the girly request train (To add this to your hoard for if you have the time/will). Consider, if you will: Wendy sick at work with Jonah as a not-so-great caretaker having to call Vince like "Come get your girl." (Wendy does deserve belly rubs and also just... hugs. Lots of them. And a gentle smooch on the forehead) (And you know I love bitchy Jonah and I can't think of a shittier caretaker /pos /aff /very affectionate /I love him okay?) -🧷

----

Jonah was in a bad mood. Which he knew wasn't saying much, because these days he was always in a bad mood, but whatever. He was in a shitty fucking mood.

Graduation was closer than ever, happening in a little less than two weeks. Meaning he had exactly 4 days to finish all the documentation and essays and double check his hours and also pick an outfit and send the bloody invitation to his mother and stepfather and his father, fuck, he had forgotten about-

"Switch with me," Wendy interrupted his stream of thoughts, entering the office area. Jonah let out a scoff, rolling his eyes.

"Absolutely not," he said, turning back to the paperwork he had been filling in. He had already done his hours in the ER, there was no way he was gonna do Wen's too.

"Please," Wendy said, although she didn't sound like she was asking, "switch with me, I'll take your hours tomorrow-"

"Nope," Jonah shook his head, not bothering to look up from where he was filing up the report of each patient he had had all day, "you're distracting me, Wendy."

"Jonah, I really can't do the ER right now-"

"No one likes the ER," Jonah shrugged, signing his name with a little too much force. He really wanted to go home. It was almost 10 PM and he still hadn't had dinner and although he didn't have classes tomorrow, he had so many things to hand in. Did he revise his residency application?

"Jon, please I..." Wendy whined and Jonah's head snapped up, pissed off.

"Wendy no," he glared at her, "I'm not switching, give up."

She pressed her hands to her face, before letting out a sigh and turning around, wordlessly leaving the office.

Jon's stomach sunk and he felt a pang to his chest, but he stood his ground. He had worked his hours today and he really needed to go home and Wendy was not going to puppy eye her way into getting him to do a double ER shift, not when he was this exhausted, even if it was just the remaining one hour and half.

He got back to the task at hand and by the time he glanced up again, it was time to get going. 11:30 PM, Leo would probably be asleep, Jonah thought sourly, locking all the documents inside of his designated drawer and getting up.

Claire was just getting in as Jonah walked to the doctor's staff to strip his white doctor coat and grab his bag as well as his scarf. She waved at him as he unlocked his locker, "hi, Jon."

"Hi Claire," he yawned, folding his coat.

"Uh..." Claire frowned as she unlocked her own locker. She shared with Wendy, but Wen's clothes were still inside, "that's odd, I didn't see her in the ER..."

Jonah felt a weird sense of unease wash over him. He draped the scarf around his neck, "here, take mine. Just let Todd know when he clocks in..." he said, "I'm gonna check if she's still clocked in."

Jonah hated the guy who had been doing the last round with Wendy. Chris wasn't just annoying as hell, he was also a careless idiot who messed up constantly. Jon had lost count the amount of times he had gone toe to toe with the guy.

"Chris," Jonah said, managing to get him alone just as he turned the hallways, Chris probably going to clock out too, "did you see Wendy?"

"No," Chris scoffed, glaring at him, "not since she bailed on me. If you find her, let her know that she's fucked. I made a complaint with our supervisor."

"What...?" Jonah frowned. Wendy didn't bail, Jon could count in one hand the amount of times she had taken time out of her clinic hours. She often covered for others. She would never just quit and up and leave.

"Yeah," Chris rolled his eyes, "said she was gonna get water and I haven't seen her since. I had to go through all of her fucking patients. Peters is gonna chew her up tomorrow."

"How long ago was that?" Jonah asked, feeling anxiety prickling all over him. This was widely out of characters.

"An hour ago? I don't know," Chris shrugged, before stepping around Jonah, "excuse me."

Jon didn't acknowledge him at all, already fishing his phone out of his pocket and pressing the 3, Wendy's speed dial digit. It rang and rang and no one picked up.

Her car was in the parking lot still, getting covered with snow. Shit.

"Wendy, it's me. Please pick up your phone, I'm worried," Jonah send her a voice message, before immediately trying to call again. If the car was still there, then she was still in the hospital.

The question was where? Their university hospital was a big place, since they were the reference not just for their town but for other five around them. It had four floors and was almost as large as a whole block.

"Shit, shit, shit," Jonah chanted, heading to the main nurse station near the ER. The head nurse from Wendy's shift probably had clocked out already, the new one wouldn't know where she was...

"Marjorie! Nurse Marjorie!" Jonah ran down the hall, catching her just as she was about to walk to walk out of the door to the parking lot. She paused, looking confused and spooked.

"Dr. Banks-"

"Hi," Jonah panted, catching up with her, "sorry, I didn't mean to startle you- Did you see Wendy?"

"Wendy?" she frowned and Jonah nodded.

"Dr. Marshall?"

Marjorie's frown twisted into a grimace, "oh yeah, downstairs," she nodded, "about twenty minutes ago? She was in a bad shape, poor thing."

"A bad shape?" Jonah's heart squeezed and he looked around as if he'd somehow spot Wendy in the crowd that was coming and going, "where was she exactly?"

"Well, I entered the ladies room and she wasn't looking so hot, but she said she'd go home, so..." Nurse Marjorie shrugged, "she's probably left by now."

"Which side?"

"West wing-"

"Thank you," Jonah shook her hand awkwardly, before turning around and running back towards the stairs. He just wished no supervisor saw him running around like that, he'd for sure get called out.

There were two bathrooms down in the west wing, where they got the x-rays exams done. One was gender neutral, then two gendered ones down the long hallway. Jonah made a silent prayer before entering the female bathroom.

It was empty.

Or rather, it seemed empty, but a small sob cued him to the fact that it wasn't so. Jonah power walked across the room, before knocking on the last stall, "Wendy? Wen, is that you?" please let it be her.

There was a small groan from inside, a voice he recognized and he spotted her white shoes peeking out, with the lilac details.

"Wendy, it's me," Jonah knocked again, "can you unlock the door, please?"

"Uhm..." she grumbled from inside and he heard the sound of fingers drumming on the door, as she clumsily attempted to unlock it. It took a minute before she managed to do so and then Jonah pushed it in, regretting it as Wendy let out a whine as the door hit her thigh.

He waited until she moved out of the way to push the door again and Jonah frowned. Wendy was sitting on the ground, one arm draped over the toilet, her head resting on her hand. The little he could see of her face, Jon could tell was extremely pale.

"Goddammit, Wendy..." he crouched down next to her, "Wen? Hey, look at me, sweetheart-"

"Hurss...hurts..." she slurred instead of answering him, her voice barely above a whisper. The toilet was empty, but Jonah could tell she had already thrown up at least once, if the wet spot in front of her baby green scrubs were anything to go by.

"What hurts, Wendy?" he leaned in, planting a hand on her shoulder. She was freezing, even though she was wearing a long sleeved shirt under the short sleeved hospital clothes.

"Head..." Wendy whimpered, curling up even more, sounding dangerously close to tears. She hugged her knees, pressing her forehead to them and rocked back and forth, "I don't feel well, Jon..."

"I know, Dee," Jonah whispered, moving even closer and ignoring the smell of vomit, so he could cup her chin and force her to lift her head, "let me see your eyes, Wendy."

They were filled with tears, squinting from the pain. The minute he raised her face, she flinched from the overhead white light, and gulped nervously, shoving his hand off her face.

"I'm... I'm gonna be sick..." she groaned, leaning over the toilet again. Jonah scrambled forward to grab her hair, immediately gagging as he felt one of the front pieces was already wet and sticky.

He buried his nose in his shoulder, gagging fruitlessly. There was nothing for him to puke and clearly, nothing for Wendy to bring up either, because after a little more retching, she let out a sob and resorted to resting her forehead to the porcelain, sobbing.

"No, darling, don't do that, this is disgusting..." Jonah cooed, sliding his hand between her forehead and the toilet and wrapping his other arm around her waist, pulling her up.

Although she was unstable as a newborn fawn, she didn't immediately collapse, clinging to his coat with all her force. Jonah pushed the stall door open, slowly guiding her to the sinks and Wendy slumped over the granite with her whole body, letting out a whine as he ran his hands under the tap to turn on the motion sensor and then ran his now wet, cold hands on her face, washing her mouth and chin, as well as the sick covered piece of hair.

"Shhh, you're okay, I got you," Jonah whispered, more for his benefit than hers, as Wendy's whole face scrunched up in pain, tears leaking from the corner of her eyes.

"I don't... I don't want you," she groaned and Jonah's stomach turned for a different reason, simple and plain guilt.

"I know, I'm gonna get you to Vin," he answered instead, "I'm really sorry, Wen, I didn't know you weren't feeling well..."

She let out another groan, ignoring his apology and Jonah bit his tongue to stop the string of words he wanted to say. He wanted to apologize again, he wanted to grill her about her symptoms, why she hadn't started off by saying she was sick previously when requesting he switched with her, why she hadn't told him...

She shuddered, hugging herself and Jonah stripped his coat, wrapping Wendy in it and closing the first button on the front. It was far too big for her, it reached the middle of Jon's thighs, but on Wendy the coat was brushing the floor.

Wordlessly she slumped forward, pressing her forehead to his chest and Jonah wrapped an arm around her, guiding her out of the bathroom.

As soon as they reached the ground level floor, she let out a loud whine. The place was much more crowded, so much more noisy, and Wendy let out a sob, pressing her face to his chest with even more force.

"Hurts..." She said, grabbing at the roots of her hair and pulling, to try and escape the pain inside her skull.

He left her planted on the couch in the waiting room, as he sped back to the staff quarters to retrieve her purse, as well as her other belongings. Wendy was rocking back and forth when he got back to her, much to the unnerving of the other patients, who kept glancing at her nervously as it looks like she was going to throw up.

"Okay, let's get you out of here," Jon whispered, wrapping his arms around her and guiding Wendy to the car. She shivered violently once they walked out of the hospital, the drastic temperature change hitting them both. Jon's teeth started to chatter and he forced Wendy to keep moving, pushing her inside her car.

"No, don't do that, Dee," Jonah whispered, holding her head as Wendy tried banging it against the window to stop the pain inside, "shhh, lie back down, lie down..." he lowered her seat a little bit, smoothing the hair out of her face.

Wendy let out a pitiful sniffle, curling up on herself, his coat serving as a blanket on top of her. She turned her head, away from his touch and Jonah's stomach sunk a little more.

He parked inside her building, in her designated spot and then scrolled through his contacts. Wendy seemed to be asleep and he didn't want to wake her up unneededly so.

"Hello?" Vince sounded half asleep and Jonah glanced quickly at the clock. It was almost midnight, no wonder, "Jon?"

"Hey," he whispered, "I have Wendy with me, can you unlock the door, please?"

"Wen... Why? What's wrong with her? Are you outside-" there was rustling around, "I don't see you outside."

Jonah rolled his eyes, "I'm downstairs in the parking lot, she-"

"Is she okay? Let me talk with her."

"She's asleep," Jonah started to say, but Wendy stirred and groaned, turning to blindly grab his phone.

"Is that Vin?" she whined, not bothering to open her eyes and, in Jonah's ear, Vince exclaimed.

"Wendy!"

Jonah let out a scoff, "just unlock the door," then hung up, turning to Wendy, "can you walk?"

"Yes," she said, sounding annoyed. She pushed the door open and stumbled out, bracing against the car and taking deep breaths, "my head is exploding."

"You sound better than before," Jonah said hopefully, circling the car to hold her arm, "c'mon, Dee."

"Uhm..." Wendy slumped against him, letting him guide her the rest of the way and Jonah chewed on the inside of his cheek, pressing the elevator button.

"I'm really sorry about before, Wendy. I had no idea you were sick, if I knew I'd have switched."

"It's fine," she said sourly, crossing her arms, "it's fine."

"Wanna say that one more time?" Jonah said, "doesn't sound fine."

"Shut up, Jonah," Wendy groaned, pressing her forehead to his bicep with all her force, "I don't have the energy for this, just shut up."

As soon as the elevator came to a stop, Vince was already there. In the middle of the hallway, wearing just sweatpants, socks and a huge orange hoodie that made Jonah cringe in distaste. His curls were a messy mane around his head and he had been clearly about to fall asleep.

"Hey, hey..." he crossed the hallway in two steps, cupping Wendy's face, "what's wrong, honey?"

She let out a groan, that quickly morphed into a whimper, "my head..."

"Migraine?" he guessed, glancing up worriedly to Jonah, who flinched as if he was somehow guilty for Wendy's migraine.

"Yes, she threw up earlier-"

"It's not as bad anymore," Wendy scoffed, glaring at his direction, before snuggling up with Vince, wrapping her arms around his middle, "I just wanna lie down."

"Thank you for bringing her home," Vince whispered, offering Jonah a big, relieved smile, which only made him feel ten times more guilty. Vin was unaware to his little conundrum, hugging Wendy to him and bringing her inside the house.

Jonah followed them in, planting Wendy's keys and her purse on the little living room table that was littered with books and notecards, where Vince clearly had been studying.

A minute later Vince emerged from the room, having tucked Wendy into bed, Jon's coat draped over his arm, "here. Thank you Jon..."

"Please don't say that," Jonah cringed, taking the coat back, "tell Wendy to call me when she feels better."

Vince frowned, confused, but he nodded, "yeah, of course. Are you calling a taxi?"

"Yes-"

"You can wait in here," Vince said hopefully, "or just crash the couch, it's no problem-"

"No," Jonah shook his head. He was feeling terrible, he really didn't want to stay and witness anymore of Wendy in pain, "no, I have to go home. Leo's probably having a heart attack, I should've been home two hours ago."

It was a little lie. Yes, Leo would be stressing if he was aware, but more probably he was simply asleep by now.

"Okay," Vince crossed the room and then pulled Jon into a hug, causing the man to let out a startled yelp.

"Let go of me."

"Thanks again, man."

"Yeah, let me go..." Jonah shoved him off, "and tell Wendy not to worry about tomorrow, I'll explain to her supervisor what happened."

"Thank you," Vince nodded, although he wasn't sure what he was nodding along with, "you're a great friend."

Jonah grimaced, "yeah, bye."

[tiny-taffy]

im sorry, but am i the only one who found willow insufferable in this episode? (for the future?) i actually liked her, and i was all for developing her (and gus to an extent) but nooo!! not like this! she was just so cringe in this episode IMO. first in the scene where she was trying to act all reliable and tough for eveyone. i understand why she would feel like she had to put up this facade for gus. he's younger and of course she doesnt want to see her best friend sad. but.. why with hunter and the rest? no one asked you to do that! Even Camila asked her about it.

second, in the scene where she showed hunter the photo of flapjack, and he got sad. girl, i know you had good intentions but of course, he's gonna get sad. he's not magically going to get happy again. his bird died like.. 2 hours ago? he was about to cry!! and instead of comforting him, or idk letting him grieve, she says "oh im sorry! i didn't mean to make this worse! i'll be right back" like.. girl??

and then she runs off! omfg, this scene pissed me off. and now you have hunter there, feeling even worse and now he feels bad about being sad and making the others sad. wow, great job. instead of comforting your sad friend, you made everyhting about yourself. she felt like a pick me. i believe the scene would have been better if it went somewhat like this. maybe willow could have given the photo to hunter and still have him be sad. she could be feeling guilty, but instead of saying "oh sorry i made things worse" or whatever, she could have come up with a shitty excuse to leave the room (maybe ask mattholemule where the restrooms are? idk) and then have hunter notice the vines or something.

and then when they find her again with the mess of the vines. that scene was cool but.. willow stop doing your magic! please! for the love of god!(tho i'll give her a pass for that because she clearly wasn't in the right mind but... aaaaaa) it just felt so stupid the whole thing, considering there are biggers issues at hand. (collector, BELOS!) and then hunters starts comforting her (like how she should have done for him) and telling her all these nice things yada yada yada.

and then having willow blush at hunter after this scene in small moments felt very weird. like, up until that point shes has never done that before! it just makes it seem that the only reason she is blushing at him now and likes him is because he said some nice things to her. it just seems ehhh... like i said before, a pick me!

*Sigh* i really had high hopes for this episode. but it felt like a filler rushed episode.

a i guess.. to sum this all up, i feel like this whole thing was out of place. this whole stress thing and the missing of her parents would have suited episode one better in my opinion. after all, they had just entered the human realm, everyone is sad about leaving their friends and family. it would have made more sense in that episode that willow notices that everyone is sad, and then she tries to act all fine and reliable. it could have been more developed and we could have had small signs of this. it just felt rushed, out of nowhere and out of place.

also side note i didnt really like how they portrayed bosha as willow's main bully? her main bully was amity, not boscha. but thats another post for another day.

Dont like? Dont Read. Hate will be blocked.

[virginmiri99]

Boni I need advice how do u drive every day... Im still new to driving and lately I've been making mistakes on the road that scare me and make me feel like I'm not going to grow into a good driver because of my brain. How do people get good at driving

SORRY I'M LATE!!! Drive can be really scary--I drive a ram pickup truck which doesn't make the task any easier. When I first started driving I was actually terrified, I didn't want do drive over 20 mph, I didn't want to leave a neighborhood, I didn't want to drive alone... But I slowly got better at it. I won't lie and say even after years I don't make silly mistakes, but some of my tips include:

-obviously number one don't text and drive. Everyone is guilty of this and it can be pretty dangerous since a lot of teens think they're capable of doing both.

-For staying in the lines, I have a trick to measure, but its different on every car so just be aware.

If you line up the end of your car by the wheel, and about 3/4th of the hood, that should be in the lines. It makes it easier to stay in the lines because you don't have to look at your mirrors which requires more head turning.

-Get some round mirrors if you have the funds.

these things are the MVP of driving (especially if you have a pick up) bc they help show you everything in your blindspot. Whenever I merge I ONLY look at the round mirrors tbh. It shows me more.

-If you spin out, let go of the gas and steer in the right direction. I'm only adding this bc I've spun out TWICE in the last two days bc my shitty tire traction. this is good to remember.

-You might hate to hear it, but practice! That what my dad says lol. Ive been driving basically everyday in a city setting since I was 15, and I'm 21 now. It's really about growing confidence in your skills. I was once too frightened to leave my neighborhood while driving, and now I drive on the highway with one hand on the wheel. I know it seems scary, but sometimes a little confidence will help your skills! I know you can do it!!!!

I myself need to keep up the vigilance so this was a wonderful ask to refresh my memory. Don't start to get lazy like me!!! As much as I drive every single day I'm still capable of mistakes, just watch the road and watch your mirrors.

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[starkiller-009]

besties u better reblog things not to like them bc liking kill posts mostly. being on tumblr for past few years really shoved me how pointless it is sometimes to post an art or a piece of anything (the same as on twitter these days. even thought twitter has algorithm for likes) i literally have a pack of drawings i did that ive never uploaded and not uploading bc whats the point. im okay to having it to myself but when i decide to share its half time dissapointing. and MORE dissapointing is to see my fellow artists not getting attention their deserve while they draw the most beautiful things possible.

whats the function of likes anyway. liked post = soon forgotten and dead even inside yours dash. am i right

i understand that like means 'i like your work' but honestly. personally i do not care about likes because like is the most flat and empty way of reaction to anything. thats why i do not post anything on social media at all (not even talking about art rn) bc feels like its the only way of communicating and it is the WORST way of communicating its like a simulation of empty anonymous social something meaning nothing. what i love about tumblr is that u get tags and opportunity to hear people more. their thoughts and opinions on stuff and especially stuff u make. like damn. thats the real treasure. the only reason im still on this godforsaken platform is that i love to communicate i need to communicate. and in this case likes suck ass. and i am myself guilty of getting into them too much sometimes but i work on this.

why do i as an artist draw stuff and post it at all? 1. obvious answer - the process in fun and its cool to make something beautiful. 2. more wholesome reason - its the way to start a conversation. on any idea, au, headcanon, characters dynamics - anything. the whole point of drawings is to talk. and ugh it feels SHITTY not to have this and to get only empty symbol of your work appretiation in the form of a like. i must say most of the times likes feel like pitying more. 'its great thats youve made it but i dont really need it anywhere around my dash' and thats totally okay - likes just do not work in some form of support anyway.

50 equals 1 reblog with a tag in it. i'd trade it this way no second thoughts.

so. hear us out babies im not the one asking for this. lets support each other. because art is not made for likes. its made for others

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warning: anon ask referring to self-harm and relapsing.

last night i relapsed on my self harm streak of about 1 year. feeling so guilty and so shitty. worried my boyfriend and felt so fucking disgusting about that. i hate myself i hate that i did this because it was all for nothing. im just as anxious as i was and feeling even worse bc i left my boyfriend so fucking worried. i havent spoken to him since last night after i told him how sorry i was that im getting him involved in this bs. i know i know i cant expect him to not worry or be scared but i feel so bad that he is doing that in the first place. i hate that im scaring him and i hate that i make him feel like he cant help me. i went off all my socials and told him i need sometime. i want to talk to him about this, i want to not be so impulsive and anxious and i want to not let him be so scared all the time. i hate this i hate it sm. send helpppp

"I'm stuck." "I did all that and I'm still like this." "I haven't changed." "I'm never going to change." "I can't break the cycle." "I fucked up and I can't get away from these thoughts, I worked this hard for this long and somehow I'm still trapped by my demons and one day I might..."

Yeah, I know.

"Lose."

I know you might feel as if you're back to square one, but you're not. Things are different this time. He may not understand why you have closed off like this, but one day he will because you will be able to explain it to him. You at least told him and that was what you were ready for at this time, but at some point in the future, maybe not in this heavy headspace, you will be able to find the words to say what you're going through right now.

You might know this already, but I'll remind you: self-harm is a habit. Habits are hard to break. Sometimes, at just the wrong time, a series of events will hit you in a certain place and shit goes down. It doesn't mean you can't stop it in the future simply because you couldn't stop it this time. It doesn't mean you've weak either for giving in. Look for the stressors and the situations you were in that pushed you over the edge. Think about ways for how to mitigate the impulse in the future. Make it really fucking difficult to get to your self-harm tools. I'm talking annoyingly difficult. If it is too inconvenient when the impulse comes, you're less likely to follow through. But it's been a year, so you might have your own system. Let's refine it more. This is not the end.

It might be someday, but it is not toady and we are going to fight for tomorrow.

It is up to you how you talk about it. I tend to think it's better to speak about it when you have a clear head, but sometimes you need someone there when you're going down. I get that. Just understand that not everyone has encountered or lived this. And even if they have, they might still say the wrong thing because they simply don't know what to say or they end up saying what they would like to hear, but that doesn't mean that is what you want to hear. And sometimes you don't even know what you want to hear. It's a fucking mess. I know.

Despite all that, you want to tell him and I think you should, because he can't understand you unless he has at least a glimpse of what is going on in your head. Please don't put the pressure on him to have the answers. There are no answers anyway. Instead, come to the conversation with ways that he can support you or brainstorm them together. What are the things you want him to say? What can he do to help you get your mind off it? What can he and you do to prevent or lessen the stressors? What are some signs you exhibit when you're especially anxious or impulsive? Are there patterns? Specific days / times / cycles? He will be less scared if he feels more prepared and knows you better.

I hope it doesn't happen in the future, but if it does, you are not shit. You might act shitty sometimes, but not that does not mean all the work you've done so far is for naught. Finding your signs is one of the most important things you can do. Try various solutions. Don't get discouraged if one doesn't work. Trust me, the same solution / distraction / what worked last time will not work every time and that is okay. Humans are changing creatures. We may have patterns but we also have the ability to break the ones we no longer want by reframing how we think about them and changing our mental environment. This is not all you are.

It is part of you but it will not be the end of you.

Trust me. You have already begun the change. You can talk about it and that, in it of itself, means you are not weak. I might be a random, but I'm also not, hm? I'm not a therapist, but I've lived it. Heh, listen to Yoongi. Future's gonna be okay. One day, you'll look back and see how far you've come. It's murky now, but the fog and the clouds will lift. You have the tools to move forward. You can, and will, do this.

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[gunmetal-ring]

Omg i feel so dramatic doing this lol but id feel so guilty if i didnt come out and say it do im saying it and cringing at my melodramatic self

I think for right now im putting roots (my current caryl wip) on hiatus. I really dont have much motivation to keep it going tbh, which is a shame, bc its one my favorite stories that ive ever written, and i probably only have like 3ish chapters left. But i have to force myself to write it and im not happy with what im writing and id rather give it the attention and care it deserves rather than speeding thru it for the sake of completion and more or less throwing away the months (years?) ive spent writing this fic. Idk. It sucks bc im somewhat of a perfectionist and i hate the idea of a wip of mine just fading into oblivion but i hate spitting out a shitty slapdash chapter just to mark it complete even more

Idk ig in summary id rather be proud of my efforts than churn out something lifeless

Anyway i have a very teeny tiny bit of the next chapter written and i do mean teeny tiny so im gonna publish it w a note stating its on hiatus so nobody feels tricked or whatever bc i feel so guilty abt this

I think (not know bc again false promises and such) that once caryl reunites on screen i will get my passion and inspiration and motivation etc for them but for now... s11 and solo semester in paris have more or less stomped it all out. Thank you to everyone to read it i so appreciate your words and i hope everyone still caryls on ❤️

[stealanity]

I just read ur Jay ff and :( I teared up cuz I hate that ur feeling this way, and I've been feeling horrible too, in fact I spent all of Sunday crying cuz school and life are stressing me out and making me want to quit everything. I just want u to know u aren't alone and we love you so much! And I absolutely love ur work!! I respect you if u need a break, just know we're here for u, care for u, and love u <3

Even tho it's hard and we feel like giving up, I know it will be worth it in the end to push through life. We never know what good is coming our way, so let's not throw our life away and miss the chances coming for us.

Also I learned today in class that like 90% of people say they're happiest in their 70's, so let's at least try to get to that point of our lives! It made me have more hope for the future and my life, and I hope that it will help u too

Again, I love you and a care about you<3 even tho we might not know eo irl, i just know you are an amazing person and there is so much goodness and greatness awaiting you if you just try. I'm always here to talk, I'm really busy but seriously I will drop anything for you if you need me to. Please don't hesitate to reach out, we can talk about anything you want. I can be a great listener, give advice, or just talk, seriously anything you need :(

the two doggies are just :( so cute i can't, it's us

gosh, thank you so much for your words? i don't really know what to say, except that im extremely touched by your attention, every word you said is now deep in my heart :( i'm really sorry you feel so bad too, no one deserves to feel like that. it's horrible because, even though you want to get better, sometimes you just can't? i'm at that point now, except that it's pushing me to the bottom and i feel like i'll never get to the surface again lmao

i know im not alone, and i will never thank all the people around me (including you) to be there for me and to do everything possible to comfort me and help me in this bad phase, my sister even decided to stay close to me most of the time so that i don't do anything stupid, but now i feel guilty for using all her time :'( but yes, you're right, life is worth living and i don't want to waste all the years i have left to live with the people i love and value. and even if i don't live for myself, i can still live for others and make them as happy as possible <3

i'll keep this anecdote in a corner of my head, and will think about it every time i feel like i'm losing it, it's a bit cute in a way, as a philosophy, can't wait to be old.. :D let's try to get there together, shall we?

again, thank you so much for everything, i love you a lot lot lot and i hope you know that you can count on me for anything and everything, i have the reputation of being a good listener, so don't hesitate to pop in my dms if you need anything. you're so kind and sweet.. i know that you deserve all the best things in the world and what life can offer you, you're a living angel, i envy the people around you, they're so lucky to have you, and i hope they take good care of you ! and if you ever feel like the world is turning its back on you, i will always be there, no matter what happen, i will always be there for you, and that's a promise i can keep 🤞🏻

also, i can't take a break from writing.. i mean, writing is my escape, i know i can express anything i want with words, so i want to keep this little piece of paradise that is writing for me, even if i feel like i'm writing just some shitty things actually. plus, i've been on a blank page for far too long, i have to get back to it now, or everything i've worked so hard to build here will be for nothing <\3