#like toward shitty people
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NO wait this is my last point actually even though i’m on a tangent now. but i do think it is at least somewhat related to people’s inability to let go of punitive justice. like we could kill every bigot that means us harm in one fell swoop, and that still would not change anything. that would not do anything. the machine will just keep churning them out
you have to kill the machine or it doesn’t fucking matter
#also obligatory 'punishment' is not the same as 'consequences'#HOWEVER#on the whole individual responsibility is conservative ideology#like yes people should face consequences for their actions HOWEVER#at the end of the day there are more times than not where these transgressions#would not have happened in the first place#if peoples needs were met#if people had community bonds#if white evangelical modes of living and family structure were abolished#like obviously not in a utopian No One Ever Does Bad Things way#but just. in terms of the majority#like imagine how much violence would be eradicated in the first place#if we completely dismantled poverty and misogyny and white supremacy#also big disclaimer this is not ANY statement of how one should feel personally#like toward shitty people#i still actively fantasize about every bigot politician exploding on national television#i'm just talking about like. in terms of actual practical solution#lmfao
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anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...
#not a shitpost#serious post#ask to tag#tw trauma#cptsd#c-ptsd#and if so we should TALK about it#because it means there are a whole group of survivors out there whose mental health regularly worsens during holidays#like i know i am most certainly not the only person who feels an undefined Dread hanging over christmas/my birthday/july 4 etc#bc too many shitty things happened during those times and now my brain is hypervigilant bc traditionally these are the Danger Times#and this seems like it would be particularly common for survivors of abusive/dysfunctional households (aka most people with c-ptsd)#because holidays/vacations typically mean 1) the whole family is together/being forced to interact#2) and undergoing external stressors e.g. travel/relatives aka 'outsiders' visiting/routines & coping mechanisms being interrupted etc#3) there is social pressure for this to be a Fun Family Bonding Experience which only highlights the cracks in the foundation#and exposes the common Everything Is Fine/We Are A Happy Family lie#4) the cognitive dissonance of feeling tired/anxious/stressed/afraid during a time when you are 'supposed' to be Making Good Memories#and then everyone is angry/tired/anxious/triggered and things boil over and something or someone goes Very Wrong#weird that i'm posting this in october when halloween is...sort of the ONLY holiday i have only good and happy feelings towards#i got lucky there#also i have positive feelings towards Labor Day but that's for socialist reasons
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vague-posting about this here cuz i don't feel comfortable yapping about my su takes on twitter, but after everything that's happened the most interesting thing about the su fandom to me is that so many are 100% there for applying the "everyone can change and deserves a second chance" message to everyone, even the diamonds. except for one ☝️ she doesn't count. cuz she's dead.
#personal#very extremely delete later#ok cutting the vague post this is about a “whose the worst cartoon mom” twt post with pink diamond in the running#and a bunch of people pointing at her. the woman who died in childbirth and never got to meet her child. and she's literally next to#mother gothel. the baby kidnapper who kidnapped a baby#i'm always gonna be a pink diamond nuancepilled defender. she was a shitty entitled teen who grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth#then got self-radicalized and rebelled for both selfish AND selfless reasons#“this show is great because everyone makes mistakes and learns from them. except the pink one. she's bad and dead forever.”#anyways this is a crit towards the fandom not the show#“she had steven so she could selfishly escape her mistakes and put all her burdens on her child” or she wanted a child#“she abandoned her family” or she died during childbirth#“she started a war that got thousands of gems killed and mutilated” and if she hadn't nobody on earth would exist#the fact that some fans are more willing to jump to white diamond’s defense when talking about her reformation and redemption#white diamond—the architect and supreme ruler of a 10000+ year old fascist empire—has 10000% done worse more unforgivable things than pink#guys even blue diamond has shattered gems before. like not just kill them but permanently split their souls into pieces.#ruby called her a “SHATTERER.” she was INFAMOUS for murdering people. pink never shattered anyone#for fans of a show that explicitly says nobody's truly a villain you guys sure do want a villain really badly#anyways “we need more compelx female characters y'all couldn't even handle rose quartz” etc. etc. etc.
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When you absolutely despise something a lot of people like, and no matter what way you look at it you cannot see the appeal, but you know you can’t talk about it in public or else you’ll get dogpiled to hell and back, so you just kinda sit there frothing at the mouth like this
#spaghetti speaks#minor blood#I know this image is typically used in positive contexts but it felt fitting here too#Also you probably know what I’m talking about if you’ve spoken to me before#The AM speech but aimed toward this one particular series because the rage it causes is GRAHH#it had so much potential#it could’ve been so so good#YOU COULD'VE KEPT THE PILOT PLOT INSTEAD OF INSTANTLY ABANDONING IT IN FAVOR FOR ONE OF THE WORST ROUTES A STORY CAN GO IN#I’m so mad because I WISH I could like it#I WISH I could make art for it- the character designs are fun to draw#but I’m not a fan of it#I have a visceral hatred of the series and its creator#but I’m alone in the opinion#minus my friends who agree with me#but I just#I don’t understand#I feel like if it was made by a bigger studio- people would hate it as much as me#Steven Universe was written significantly better than it- I’m sorry#SU got so much shit for years- this is praised everywhere I see#I could explain every single problem I have with this series and people will defend it#it’s so popular despite nothing being resolved or making sense#The people behind the studio were revealed to be shitty to employees but no one cares because this series got a new episode#GRRRRRGHGGHH#I hate the characters- I hate the nonsensical plot- I hate the plot holes- I hate the villain- I hate the wasted potential#I’d hijack this series and make a Snoot Game type thing if I could- my autistic ass will make this better#I'm not arrogant I’m just saying the writing is on the floor and it doesn’t take much to just fix it up and make it pretty#I’m ranting#sorry#I’m very passionate about things like this#Inorganic killers
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Serendipity should be required viewing material before anyone tries to analyze Homestuck; not only is John Cusack a universal constant, but the themes and vibes of Serendipity are so fundamentally woven into Homestuck's DNA that several of Serendipity's thesises and conversations could be lifted directly from one to the other.
In particular, the way Serendipity utilizes coincidence and circumstantially simultaneous events in order to suggest - nay, decree - that the two leads belong together, is highly reminiscent of the way Hussie uses foreshadowing, and not just for romantic couples. It's also a major window into the ultimate stance Homestuck takes with regard to romance, fate, and destiny, and also more specifically, a really good look at Karkat's own personal philosophies of romance. There's a running theme in his movies of meeting someone that perfectly matches your freak, someone you don't ever need to compromise yourself around, who brings out the best in you.
Also, some of yall need to watch a shitty romcom every once in a while and develop some emotions
#I'm genuinely not joking#if you want to understand Karkat and Homestuck better you need to watch Serendipity#at the very least so you can understand what the comic means by soul mates#i mean it's literally NAMEDROPPED during the troll romance section as the ultimate expression of finding your soul mates in every quad#people literally will be like 'i like karkat' and not watch serendipity smh#anyway the karkat movie list is serendipity • hitch • 50 first dates#he calls serendipity and hitch specifically 'pure magic' and yes. yeah.#i know we all love to clown on karkat's love of embarrassing romcoms and we're right to do so it's hilarious#but hussie also unironically calls it the best character trait he gave karkat and hes soooo correct about that#and you can tell from the way serendipity and even 50 first dates are described that those are kind of hussies genuine feelings toward them#hes right 50 first dates DOESN'T make you want to punch adam sandler#despite the occassional uncomfortable lowbrow comedy segment everything about the romance is played so straight and so genuine#maybe this shitty adam sandler romcom made me cry maybe im man enough to admit it#and idrk how else to describe serendipity besides 'pure magic'#tbh just watch it for yourself#homestuck is like 30% serendipity by volume
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do you actually view nonbinary people as non-binary or as binary people too scared to come out
this is a wild thing to ask someone who’s very openly not binary. like what even prompted you to send this? even if you didn’t know that i’m not binary trans, what have i said that would lead you to think i don’t believe in nonbinary people? is it just the fact that i’m a trans man and talk about being one on here? because sometimes it really feels like that’s all it takes for some of y’all to just assume i hate nonbinary people, as if those are mutually exclusive categories (which is ironically an exorsexist assumption in itself).
anyway, if it needed to be said, of course i view nonbinary people as nonbinary. it would be very silly of me to feel differently given that i’m not a binary trans person myself and that most of the trans people i’m close to in real life are nonbinary. i would strongly encourage you to ask yourself what it is about me that made you feel the need to ask me this in the first place.
#i am. so tired#anon hate#<- idc if it wasn’t meant as that or doesn’t seem that way to other people bc at this point? i’m done treating these as genuine questions#like this is what i mean when i talk about how frustrating it is to be a trans man with a complex gender#bc it really feels like other nonbinary people will just. see that you’re a man and assume not only that you’re not part of the community#but that you must be actively hostile toward it#idk. maybe i’m reading too much into this question but it feels shitty and i’m not gonna pretend it doesn’t
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Is it me or...
Is Han Sooyoung from Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint very similar to our resident hamster?
#plagiarist vs shitty author#i don't know if they would get along or hate each other#both are side characters who help the main character#while having less memory about the novel they're in#while the main character hates them because of the way they wrote their stories#SQQ and Kim Dokja are like#see the shit I have to deal with#SQQ: so did you also marry the protagonist?#Kim Dokja: no way!#Yoo Junghyuk is a fucking overpowered edgelord#SQQ *thinking about PIDW*: haha yeah?#LBH was nothing like that...#LBH and Yoo Junghyuk would probably try to kill each other on sight#Yoo Junghyuk because he wants to 'test his strength#or some other edgy reason#LBH because he doesn't need more people falling in love with SQQ#shang qinghua#airplane shooting towards the sky#han sooyoung#mxtx#mxtx svsss#svsss#scum villian self saving system#omniscient reader's viewpoint
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Once again I am providing y'all with images that make no sense without sharing braincells with me
#gopher art#sfm#tfc medic#tfc engineer#tfc heavy#team fortress 2#team fortress classic#i'm exaggerating. Literally all the hcs are is like. Cheavy is a huge bully toward cmedic (because he. like the tf2 community. is both gay#AND homophobic. i know its a shitty trope. but it fits to me) and that's why TFC doesnt have a medic in the comics#because Cheavy's abusive behavior made Cmedic leave TFi as soon as his contract was up. Fred Connagher was his only friend at the time#and he never knew how to help Sean (my take on Cmedic's name) which made him feel helpless and made him more emotionally closed off#which he tried to instill in his son to keep him from being caught up in other people's problems like he had been
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Definitely a little controversial but tbh I'm a "Crowfeather would have been a bad dad to the three if he and Leafpool succeeded in running or if he knew about them" truther.
#even in canon hes vitriolic towards them at least when he first learns about them#sureee you can argue that him mistreating breeze was him thinking he had kits with the wrong girl#and overall just having him for the status buuuuut. i mean tbh leaf was a rebound imo.#i think he loved the idea of her being a breathing ''feathertail lived'' au and would have been pissed#seeing her longterm outside of the clans when her ''flaws'' would come out#i think he'd look at the three and feel resentful that theyre not feathertail's. or at least he'd want just leafpool#not this extra ''baggage''#realistically if i were to tackle a ''leaf and crow succeeded in running away'' au then crow would have ditched leaf with the kids#like we know he doesnt like children and we know hes capable of being a shitty dad and being cruel to leaf#so it feels almost a bit wrong to me when people say ''he wouldve been like this if they ran away'' and hes a clingy loving dad#sorry lol i think hes gonna get pissy with jaykit the same way he was pissy with breezekit
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"this man, is weird.. CRAZY weird.." "he was always very bright.."
#i think abt this soo often u have no idea#no one understands them like i do.. sighh..#platonic or romantic idc There is something Happening there#this also implies that sammy doesn't hate norman/displays some form of positive feeling towards him#bc it's shown in canon that he doesn't rlly like many ppl in the studio#and despite sammy's descent into insanity norman still appreciated him for who he was#they way norman talks abt sammy in his first audio log feels so personal too#probably kicked his feet and giggled abt him idk man#like okaayy what u kno abt him pooks... something u wanna tell me.. twirls my hair/..#IM SO ILL OH MY GODDDDDDDD#CAN ANYONE HEAR ME#i could go on a full 2 hour youtube rant abt how tragic they are#both together and as separate people#and dont even get me STARTED on the reason for norman's heart obsession while in the cycle and why he collects them#UGGHHHHHHHH KICKS THE WALL PUNCHES THE FLOOR I HATE THE FLOOR#been mentally ill about them since 2017 ❤ we up#at least until my pea sized 8 yr old child brain found out normmy was a thing#finding that shitty ms paint ship art changed my life..#theyre literally my og otp 5eva nothing will top them ever#smushing their faces together like barbies type shit#i do wish they had some kind of interaction actual gameplay wise in batim (or even batdr)#idc what kind i just need to see them in the same room together interacting in some way#batim#bendy and the ink machine#normmy#sammy lawrence#norman polk#norman x sammy#rosey rambles#I LOVE DOOMED YAOI
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Fuck it! I don't care how stuck up it makes me sound. I have no beef with AI art as a tool or method, but I really don't like otherwise able-bodied and able-minded adults looking at me and other artists practicing our craft, which we train and hone over years, with disdain and act like we're greedy for wanting to be paid for our work, and then asserting that not only are we now obsolete, but they're JUST AS TALENTED as any artist because they can type 'Angel with large breasts in the style of George Rutko with well-drawn hands artstation' into dall-e and get legible results. I don't like it, and like any person who suddenly watches their peers' jobs being replaced by automation, it makes me upset and angry that this technology is being, or will be, used by capitalists to rob people of their livelihoods.
#spitblaze says things#long post#i should be ASLEEP#And this is FOR SURE NOT AS ARTICULATE AS ID LIKE#but im BAD AT ARTICULATING MYSELF#and WANT TO MAKE THE POINT THAT I AM NOW OPENLY DIRECTING MY EMOTIONS ABT THIS#towards THE PEOPLE WHO USE THIS TECHNOLOGY WITH BAD INTENTIONS#or if not BAD at least KINDA SHITTY or ANNOYING#idk#im sure ill wake up to being dogpiled with people calling me a stuck up artist#i dont care#i just dont like seeing people getting mad at artists for working their asses off and wanting compensation for what they do#all of us worked for this
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i'm not exactly innocent of this and i am not defending her at all as a person, but sometimes when people criticize l!ly 0rchard, i can't help but side eye a liiiittle bit when they nitpick EVERYTHING about her writing... including stuff that i knowwww the average person wouldn't criticize a cis and/or male writer for doing.
and it bugs me more that you cant point that out without people going "omg its not transmisogynistic to criticize a bad youtuber!! look, we don't misgender her, dont we get a medal for that?"
#like the ''ewww she doesnt write male characters? she writes female characters??? shes got a woman fetish!!!!!'' thing i keep seeing#im sorry thats a weird ass thing to say about a transfem creator#''she wrote her self insert as a cis woman... thats kinda weirddd shes trivializing the trans experience... shes erasing trans people''#she is the trans people in question?#like idk i dont think lily's writing is bad bc she prefers to write women. i think its bad bc she's a shitty person and that leaks into#her work#this woman goes on about how her fans have shitty trash writing and shes the only good writer among them and thats the core of her bad writ#writing. to me anyways. anyone who's that spiteful and petty towards other creators is just prone to poor quality content#bc she doesnt respect other creatives so whats the chance that she respects the actual creative process yknow?#obligatory ''no this is not defending her as a person. i am not dismissing allegations. i am talking abt her work.'' tag
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Every character on this show struggles with feeling unlovable because they're somehow broken or dirty or just put together wrong but for my money the real winners in this terrible competition are Claudia and Armand. There are, I think, a lot of echos between them especially in showverse- parental abandonment, abuse, being rescued and remade by vampires. Armand was one year older than Claudia when a vampire found him in a terrible situation and brought him home. So naturally just as Claudia finds someone she thinks could really love and know all of her Armand is going to kill her in the desperate hope of keeping someone who might love and know all of him.
#press says iwtv#you can say many things about louis and lestat's parenting but then there's marius. which tbh in bookverse i think it's a tossup#though ok the question of are vampires just like that or is louis just shitty at moral education bcs he's evil#and lestat is also evil present and not even trying a little bit#is actually somehow less funny than is armand just like that or is marius shitty at moral education bcs he's evil#interview with the vampire#lestat could offer advice about stalking a man until he loves you but armand tried and it didn't work!#claudia meanwhile is not a stalker. she pursues mutually engaging and affectionate relationships until someone gets eaten#i am still thinking about how basically normal amc claudia is aside from her sadism towards humans. which is itself normal for vampires#she's not supervamp at all! just a woman in an awkward situation.#i love her and wouldn't trade her for anything but at the same time i'm not sure how i feel about that as an adaptation choice.#also curious about how armand is going to feel about the lestat-claudia situation given his. everything.#i mean i guess to be fair all of these people are evil and broken and approximately half of them asked for it#however i love them so whatever
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this scene is ruining my life at first I didn’t get it but now I get it and Aughdhyfhfheujfuejfjjfjfnv
#Kusuo learning from Akechi that competition can be fun and playful and not like. Torture.#And then learning that Kuusuke despite his shitty brother-isms is deep down seeking that exact thing#but just doesn’t know how to approach it#because of how their relationship functioned for years and how they both are#Like don’t get me wrong Kuusuke is uh. Not a good brother and his inferiority complex lead to him hating and mistreating his brother for#Many Years#And I don’t think this scene functions as forgiveness exactly (Kusuo still has resentment towards him in later arcs)#But I think it’s a moment where he realizes they’re both on some level really lonely people#Who have been fighting their whole lives#And being like “hey I don’t hate you. Let’s be friends instead of enemies.”#And Kuusukes response being “I should really be the one saying that to you”#I just. Like it’s a Start.#IDK like Kusuo was completely justified to hate his brother especially after something like the catgun arc#But he doesn’t and I think it’s because he realizes that his brother genuinely doesn’t hate him anymore#Their whole deal is just really interesting to me but idk how to phrase my thoughts on them coherently#The only thing I wish this arc had was Kuusuke having a “what did I do to you” moment but it is a comedy and we already got that from tori#so ynow#i just say he had that moment post meteor#does any of this make sense#Also it makes me so emo that he pictured akechi
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What’s really frustrating is seeing people say “Tommy should’ve known”/“How did Tommy NOT know about his behavior” and it’s just not something you say? Ever? It’s like asking Shelby how she didn’t see the warning signs. When you’re deep in it— when you’re THAT close to someone— you’re going to not see the red flags that someone on the outside might be able to see. Tommy’s an immature guy and he fucked over Dream, yes. However he’s probably reeling over the realization his “big brother” abused someone.
god, for sure. ive also seen people talk about how "if you saw him manipulating you and your friends why didn't you SAY ANYTHING!!!" and it's just ... i'm sorry uh. do you guys not. understand. like there's a power dynamic? there's a power dynamic here people. that's ,,, part of how manipulation in this manner works. like, i know people are saying this because they don't like the person in question, and while i'm not exactly their biggest fan either, being a shitty person doesn't prevent you from being a victim, and vice versa. like, just because you might not like this person or think that they're a shitty person bc of various reasons doesn't make victim blaming suddenly okay, you know.
#the askers#abuse#like ... with to mmy specifically people have literally in this scenario been spreading clips of wi.lb ur being physically aggressive#towards him. like. obviously it's a difficult scenario no matter how you cut it when someone you're obviously close to#ends up being a shitty person that hurt a lot of people. but also uh look their relationship has had certain . concerning elements#for a long ass time. and we're talking about a guy that's had SO MANY of his professional and personal acquaintances#come out now and say that they personally have been a victim of his manipulation or know people who are#or you know. gestures at clips of him apparently biting a lot of people around that group in that area or whatever#like look we are in a situation where these patterns of behavior were extending to basically everyone he knew#so like. in the least truthy way possible bc /i dont know/ i dont know them i dont know their relationship#but also i can see patterns and i want to take the safest approach to this in terms of what im expecting from to . mmy's#hypothetical response. why are people assuming that he's just magically spared from any of this and has to just be like#a complete bystander??? why is the immediate assumption that there's no way he could be hurt as well#by someone described by associates as being manipulative to quite literally everyone he meets
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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