#like my chest is so tight rn
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I’m genuinely upset because I don’t want to have to block people and I don’t want to be blocked by certain people for a variety of reasons but I’m not naming names because I’m not a monster
#q is dead#from the bitty jar#fuck#like my chest is so tight rn#heart pounding#about to cry and get really upset#more than I already am#what the fuck#i did not need this to happen#tsams#sams#sams drama
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spiritually banging my head against a wall. every time i start having respiratory/throat/chest symptoms from my mcas, I immediately flash back to all the times I've had anaphylaxis and get terrible anxiety. Survival mechanism, yes. But also... I am not having fun and I have not had full blown anaphylaxis since the early days of post mold exposure. so like. let's take a deep breath and calm down, body
#vent#personal#mcas#might delete later im just grumpy right now#i get a tight chest and im like. SHIT. anaphylaxis?? mcas getting worse???? epipen?????#ive only needed the epi immediately once but that was enough#overwhelmed because I just want to find a doctor that can help me manage this shit but there are no specialists around here so#my options rn are an immunologist in maryland or a gi in louisiana...#my pcp is like yeah you prob have mcas and i have other patients w mcas but he isnt comfy managing my mcas or prescribing my cromolyn bc he#not a specialist!! which is fair enough!!!#completely understanding thirteen being scared to death in you dont want to know when she has tremors. and thinking its her huntingtons#bc i feel my chest and immediately think 'is this my mcas. am i being horrendously triggered by mold again'#the momentary dread of 'is it getting bad' before I can calm myself down (stress can make reactions WORSE 🫠)#differential diagnosis
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my brain rewarded me for working hard, last night I had a dream about aki sex ❤️
#thank you brain. I am thankful#kinda struggling to remember the bits and pieces#I remember that first I had a dream I was at work and had to clean#but then my dream flashed to me with aki#I'm pretty sure we did something together before the seggs??? but I don't remember that part at all??????#there were more important things to remember ok#we were in my room and in my bed under the covers#and he was behind me and holding me tight like spooning yknow#I also specifically remember his hair was still in topknot mode lolol#we were both nakey and it felt really real cause I could feel him against me...#I felt his chest rising and falling on my back and his heart pounding hard#and I could hear like... his breathing in my ear.... and the plap plap sound everytime he...... HRK#my eye is twitching rn......#he reached around and grabbed my hand and held it tight#I remember him dirty talking a lot but it's hard to remember what he said#at one point I was like 'right there' and he was like 'yeah? right here?' and it was so hot hnnnnnnbgggggggg#last thing I remember is him telling me he wasn't gonna pull out#then I woke up like a zombie#you know when you feel yourself waking up and you know you are but it's a good dream so you don't want to and you have to fight ittttt#aki. I want. you
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I think. Sephiroth. Would excel. In the bayonetta umbran academy.
#Yes he's way more likely to be a sage no I don't care#I have an actual crack treated seriously fic plan for this but first and foremost it is crack#The umbran academy (and the witches as a whole) is so cool to think about because somehow they pump out the likes of ceresa and jeanne#In their twenties like?? Insane training regimen but also you summon demons and your clothes are made of hair and you're all eight foot tal#On the other hand the sages are shiny and gold/white and all male and primarily use hand weapons rather than guns#Their aesthetic ALSO goes super hard.#THEY make deals or smth with angels who uh. Want to destroy humanity so they don't really have the moral high ground you'd assume#Which is!!!! A bit of a parallel lol#Idk how sephiroth would get trained under hojos watch maybe dreams or something?? The main games rely heavily on time travel so there's tha#Ngl my main thought was 'lmao long magic hair and tight black leather with chest out for no reason is trademark bayonetta witch'#The next thought was 'omg he's stupidly tall too haha' and the third was 'hng sephiroth in heels summoning demons'#Like honestly making sephiroth a witch would explain so much about his idiosyncracies I live for that type of crossover logic XD#It's funny how strongly this contrasts with my other sephiroth fic rn lmao that ones so very serious and tragic#sephiroth#bayonetta#ff7#crossover#fic ideas#fanfic ideas#Niche ideas but I like 'em#crossover au#Bayonetta au
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I’m doing this big project at work involving some incomprehensible private equity structure and I’m actually so stressed and anxious bc I don’t understand anything rn 😭😭😭😭 and I have a meeting tomorrow with my manager and director and I don’t know what I’m meant to tell them cos nothing is clicking!!!!! it doesn’t make sense!!!!!
#I’ve never been anxious at work 😭😭😭 but this is stressing me out#my chest feels tight??!!!#like girl!!!!! it is NOT that deep#and my manager is chill so they won’t even chase me or say anything#but im just so stressed by the fact I don’t understand anything rn thst im like how am I even meant to do this#this is the PRE WORK stuff !!! how do they expect me to do the actual thing#ughhhh I feel SICK#I might message the director like heyyy bestie im sooo confused 😃#at least then he’ll know#but I don’t want him to suggest a teams call#stressssss#rahma’s rambles
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digging in my old clack tags is me constantly going "oh this is where i discovered that song from" over and over again huh
#face in hands and starts screaming#sorry i've been having a Moment all day since i started the day thinking about Why#and i didn't get off that high since then#kept choking up out of nowhere while watching a show because i couldn't help but think of them#had to decide whether i should start a new season or listen to my clack playlist instead#decided to listen to my clack playlist#turns out distracting myself with the show was the last straw holding myself together :v:#god why do i still cry that hard everytime i think about them#like genuinely cry not 'i'm gonna cry' type of tumblr slang#my eyes are so puffy and my chest is so tight#how dare they still make me feel ike this after 17 years i demand a refund#ichatalks about ffvii#kiri dont look#(also yes sorry slightly ignoring the inbox i'm having a very emotional moment rn)
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I hate anxiety so much bc it’s literally always telling me that I’m the issue like???? and I know rationally that it’s not me or my fault, but it’s so hard to believe when my anxiety keeps introducing ‘facts’ to prove other wise :(((((
#like I tell myself it’s other factors and it’s no always my fault#and I ask like#is it the concept? the character? the style? the time? or is it just me?#and it feels like it’s always just me#I hate it so much my chest is so tight#fuck insulin I need an eddie rn lmfao#so very frustrating though to always blame myself and think I’m the constant issue#even when I know I haven’t actively done anything besides exist#okay bye I’m making myself sad lol#—in store chit chat! 🍫#and why the fuck are my tags fucked up again like#thanks for the polls and all but FUCK YOU
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okay. so we're doing this again (HEAVY tws in tags)
#i have a word for it now#it was organized abuse - familial organized abuse#my chest is so tight i feel like i cant take a full deep breath#i can feel myself starting to panic#technology facilitated organized abuse and csem material#i hate him so much my stomach hurts#why why why why why#tw csa#csa tw#tw trafficking#trafficking tw#tw oea#oea tw#csa vent#trafficking vent#oea vent#i dont know how to deal with this rn#and i KNOW it sounds like a disgustingly depraved horror story but it was real and it happened to me#for so long i was of the belief that that wasnt my word. that what i went thru cant be classified as that#and now that it is? i feel like im going to have a fucking panic attack#milo murmurs#im sorry im sorry i still feel guilty using it my chest hurts im sorry#the only thing that doesnt apply was that it was not ritualistic in nature for me#yet i still feel like a liar#maybe i really do need to tell someone out loud#i feel like throwing up
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issue: i tried listening to the night does not belong to god for the first time since my ST ritual and i had to turn it off bc i genuinely thought i was gonna start tearing up
#im in public + i can't have that happening rn 😭#what the fuck. i don't really cry very often so just. what#ive been destroyed by this band 👍#it's just like. Oh. it makes my chest feel kinda tight now.#like it makes me really happy but it also tears at my heart a bit. y'know??#wild.
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See what I hate is I SHOULD be vibing. Work is fine, money is getting better, I’m almost 100% removed from my parents and my life is stabilizing but my anxiety makes my existence so god damn miserable that literally it trumps all the good feelings from anything else.
#like I should be happy!! but instead I’m fighting back tears at work all day everyday bc my chest feels tight and my thoughts fucking race#and I can’t ever convince myself I’m not doing a million things wrong at any#given second of the day. by the time my last break (which is rn) is over I feel like#I’m fucking dying and then I STILL have 2 hours left#I’m trying to not use my PTO/UTO anymore to leave early so I just sit and fester in it#but then also!! leaving early makes me anxious !! bc even though I’m well within my right to do it#within our attendance policy#I convince myself I’m going to get fired which then triggers a whole other#bigger anxiety attack over being unemployed bc I’ve had#such a bad experience with it#and idk. I just wish it would all stop.
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I keep getting bronchitis what the hell is up w that
#i had to go to urgent care yesterday bc i could barely breathe n my chest was SO tight#covid & rsv tests were both negative so i had to get chest xrays to check for pneumonia#good news was no pneumonia turns out i just have a nasty case of bronchitis so got some meds for that#but the dr thinks i may have developed asthma as an adult so i gotta get that checked out sometime but rn i just be breathing like a pug#but like yeah this is the 3rd time ive had shortness of breath symptoms in the last 3 months which is very abnormal for me idk whats up
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#db#thoughts#yall i just saw him again :((#just got home from his house after another sleepover ugh#i’ve lost count his many sleepovers we’ve had but i think i will be cutting him off after today :((#he’s so sweet at times but the times he isn’t#when he treats me so fkn shitty…. it overpowers every sweet things he does#bc i really believe my feelings for him are growing deeper#i don’t wanna say i’m in love with him but i do like the man SO MUCH#everything about what he does and everything about who he is (besides being an asshole to me) I LIKE SOOOOO MUCH#sometimes i think maybe he likes me back but then he does something that confirms he doesn’t and it hurts so bad#my chest start to get tight lol#not me wanting to hyperventilate rn as i type this out omg#so i’m for sure cutting him off today#i am done feeling like this#i am done questioning why i’m not enough for him to like me back#this is goodbye for me#i can’t hold on to the sweet stuff the things that made me fall for him bc this feeling rn… WRECKS ME#I FEEL LIKE DYING INSIDE#I FEEL LIKE STABBING MYSELF JUST TO GET RID OF THIS PAIN OMG#this is the first time i actually see a future with someone and OFCCC this is how he is to me#i think it’s time to put my avoidant attachment style to use and ghost him :((#not that he would text me for me to be actually ghosting him bc IM ALWAYS THE LAST ONE TO TEXT HIM AND HE NEVER FAILS TO LEAVE ME ON READ#anyway shoot me if i make another post saying i saw him again HAHAHSHSFGHJJJ#i left some things at his house but i’m sure he’ll just throw them away since he’s that kind of an asshole lol :)))#good bye
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my heart feels weird i think i should go to the doctor
#angryborzois rambles#yesterday and friday i felt like my heart was aching out of nowhere and i was like sweating and everything#like my heart felt tight#i got scared cause i thought i was having a heart attack#i feel like my heartbeat is also a little more irregular than usual#it's been skipping beats more than usual#right now my chest felt really weird like idk how to describe it#like a fuzzy feeling#ill tell my mom tomorrow morning#we'll see what she says about it#the thing is im not stressed so i dont know whats happening#my friends have all been telling me its not normal#i did research yesterday and it sounded like Broken heart syndrome#but i should get doctor confirmation on that#i want my heart to beat normally rn 🥲#i want to be able to focus on finals#arghf im truing to sleep rn bht im gettinf really conscious about my heartbeat#🥲🥲
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i’m starting to get anxious before i have to go into work again which is simply not a good sign
#my chest feels so tight rn i’m having a hard time breathing#and i don’t know why bc i really do like my job im just so over working in general#i’m so tired all the time and for what? i can BARELY afford to live and i have no life bc im too fucking tired to do anything anymore#and i’ve been going to these shows and having an incredible time but the crash is so much worse than usual#so like. is it even worth it LMAO#like i know it’s gonna be ROUGH when i get back from new york in december im already nervous about it
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What is it when. The body part of your brain is shutting off you experiencing emotions because if you did you'd be way too overwhelmed and you'd collapse. Instead you're operating on not-quite autopilot, like I probably won't remember what I'm doing right now on another day, but I'm lucid enough to write this
#I really hope this makes sense because it's hard for me to word things effectively right now ???#Like I'm not without words rn I just. My brain doesn't feel fully on. I'm alive but not here. I can speak but I'm behind glass#I don't even know what I feel. It's probably extreme anxiety but I can't feel anything other than chest tightness#I can't sit still and I'm kind of nauseous. But I'm not feeling like I have an emotion. I'm just processing stimuli. Observing#I'm sleepy but idk if I can actually sleep. maybe I'll take an Ativan and I'll be able to rest.. I hope so..
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feel so bad just knowing i'm not gonna be able to go to class today
#rlly fuckin sick now lol my chest feels tight nd shit and that is not something i want to deal w when i have#to do a lot of walking when i go to college#theyre on at everyone abt attendance rn tho so its making me feel even more like shit that im having to take time off#gonna try again tomorrow. might feel a bit better idk
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