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kurishiri · 5 months ago

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17 . . . main story

— this translation may not be 100% accurate or may contain creative liberties for characterization or narrative flow purposes. if you enjoy, please consider reblogging, but don’t repost or claim these as your own!

— cw: obsessive or possessive behavior, flashbacks, angst.

It was the first time I had stepped foot into the basement since my tenure at Crown, and it was quiet with a strong scent of medicinal herbs.

Kate: ...Had the infirmary always been here?

Roger: Well, it changes from time to time.

Kate: I see...

Roger had skillfully treated the marks left by the rough rope, and said—

Roger: It doesn’t seem especially bad, at least from what I’m seeing. ...Your very pale face’s telling a very different story though.

Kate: Eh...

Roger: You were pushing yourself all this time, weren’t you?

He poked my forehead with his finger.

Kate: ...Nothing escapes your eye, I see.

Roger: If anything did, I wouldn’t be a good doctor, now, would I, lil lady.

R: Well, all that said, I’d say everyone knew you were looking a bit under the weather. You wear too much of your heart on your sleeve.

(So I got found out... I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though. I didn’t have enough energy to pretend I was okay.)

Roger: And, Elbie, too. Ever since he returned, he’s been looking a bit off too.

Kate: ......

Suddenly, it was as though his palms were on my shoulders at this very moment, and the feeling of him not letting me go hurt me,

as though my heart was being squeezed.

Roger: Usually, Al would do something about Elbie if he were acting off like this...

R: ...but looks like not even he could do anything about it this time.

(That’s... probably because I ignored him every time he tried to warn me.)

If I had just turned a blind eye toward Lord Elbert’s sin, and his sadness, I could avoid the ‘tragedy’ that awaited me. He told me this, time and time again.

(And yet... every time, I chose to face Lord Elbert.)

(Because, I want to save Lord Elbert, from this cycle of atonement...)

(...and, I want him to smile.)

Kate: Roger, if I remember correctly, you are a doctor, right?

Roger: A former one, yeah.

Kate: ...Then, how can I heal the wounds in my heart?

I looked at Roger straight in the eyes, a gesture he reciprocated in turn.

Roger: Whether wounds one can’t see have healed or not... there’s no way for the person in question to know, much less other people. It’s impossible to know, for your whole life.

(Impossible to know, for my whole life...)

Perhaps that candid answer, with no lie nor deception, could be seen as cruelty.

But, I felt that he answered the way he did, because he knew the importance of facing reality.

Roger: ...For illnesses without a cure, the only thing you can do is accompany it, one way or another.

R: And, even if there are times when it someday completely disappears just like that, there will also be times when even the slightest thing can trigger a relapse.

R: That’s why, if you ask me, the best thing you can do then, is to keep your head up.

Kate: And... what can I do... to keep my head up?

Roger: You know as well as me. If there was such a simple answer, you would’ve found it long ago.

R: ...Right, lil lady?

Kate: I... guess so.

Roger: Well, all that aside, don’t carry more than you can bear, lil lady.

With those words, Roger placed his large hand on my head.

Kate: ...I won’t. Thank you, for treating me.

(There is no simple answer... and, if I want Lord Elbert to smile,)

(I will have to keep facing him. Or, I won’t find the answer at all.)

(But...)

When I remembered Lord Elbert’s gaze on me, my heart hurt once again.

(...Tonight...)

(Just for tonight... I don’t want to see him.)

Not until this pain ebbs away, even if just slightly——

Roger saw me off as I left the basement.

(...I thought Lord Elbert might have been waiting at the exit to the basement.)

(But, it seems he’s not here.)

(Ah... maybe he’s in front of my room?)

I was going to walk straight back to my room, but then I hesitated, my legs stopping in place.

(I need a little time... to calm down. I’ll return once I do then.)

(But first, I need to be calm enough so that I’ll be fine running into Lord Elbert if he were waiting in front of my room.)

Just then, a sweet fragrance wandered in——

As though I was invited, I went to the garden, where the flowers were at their peak.

With only the moon’s light to guide me, I wandered around the garden without a destination.

Eventually, I found myself before a tall wall of roses, the hedge curved.

Kate: Wah...!

I bumped into someone, and before I could think, I let out my voice.

Kate: I-I’m so sor—

When I lifted my head, there stood—

—a surprised Lord Elbert.

Elbert: ......Kate?

Kate: ...Lord Elbert.

Lord Elbert blinked with his long eyelashes.

From that gesture alone, I could tell that this was a purely unintentional coincidence, but...

(I-I need to leave—)

Without thinking, I backed away.

Elbert: ...Why are you, in a place like this?

Kate: Ah... I, um, I needed to calm down, and so...

(I have to leave... quickly.)

To him, I was still no different from all the other things that served as atonement,

and that made me feel so much pain. And I found myself yearning for him and falling for him, to the point that pain dragged me along.

If... if he asked for a kiss, at this very moment, just like that day—

—what would I do?

(...Surely, I wouldn’t be able to stop it.)

(The urge to kiss, and my feelings, too...)

(I’m afraid all of those will hurt him... and the things I wasn’t able to say, as well...)

(Everything... would spill out, just like that.)

As if running away, I turned away quickly.

Kate: Um, sorry, I’ll leave no—

Elbert: ......The marks, from the rope...

Kate: Eh...

Elbert: Do they... still hurt?

Kate: ...!

Lord Elbert only spoke a few words, but the voice that came out of his lips was undoubtedly,

the sensitive kindness I knew he had toward others’ pain and sadness...

(Lord Elbert, you...)

(You are really, truly... a very kind person... and yet—)

An intense feeling swirled in my chest like a whirlpool, and I couldn’t stop it.

The ‘sin’ he bore which made him look at me like I was an object was deplorable.

And the people who made him think his own existence as a ‘sin’ in and of itself, was also deplorable.

In order to atone for this empty ‘sin’ he bore, he had forsaken his own happiness,

inflicted pain to hurt himself, and continued to collect beautiful things... that Lord Elbert——

(...That Lord Elbert was truly,)

Outrageous, sorrowful, and pitiable.

As though my legs had been sewn together, I couldn’t move from where I stood.

Standing with my back facing Lord Elbert, I felt his hands wrap around my stomach.

Kate: Please, let go of me...

Elbert: ...I don’t want to. I won’t let you go.

His embrace was gentle as his sweet voice filled my ears.

(...Please, I beg of you, Lord Elbert...)

(At this rate, I...)

I still don’t even know how to save Lord Elbert from his sin.

(I’ll, only end up hurting you.)

The warmth of his body embracing mine was so endearing——my heart hurt so much, I could hardly bear it.

Elbert: ...I was always thinking.

Lord Elbert lifted a lock of my hair with his fingertips.

Elbert: I... had intended to wait for you to give me all of your heart...

E: But, then, if you were going to become someone else’s anyway,

E: I thought, I should simply lock you, sooner rather than later.

The voice that came out of his lips, which he had lifted my hair toward, held no hint of that kindness I could feel from before,

leaving behind only a dark, cold voice, speaking to the impulses that drive him.

——The impulse to ‘have’ me, so that he can offer me to those who have already passed.

Kate: No...

K: Please don’t, Lord Elbert—

Elbert: Even if I can never take your heart... and, even if you become an empty shell of yourself,

E: if I can have you, then surely... I can become happy.

(‘Happy’...?)

At that word, red flashed before my eyes.

As though the thread that had been stretched had finally been cut,

all the feelings and words that I had desperately tried to bottle up inside me came flooding out.

Kate: ...Who, are you talking about?

Elbert: Eh...?

Kate: Just who is it... that will become happy then?

(If I say this, I will surely hurt Lord Elbert.)

(But... even if I do end up causing him pain,)

(I, don’t want to give up on you——)

As if running from the arms entwined around me, I twisted my body, pushing away that endearing warmth.

With him now in front of me, I steeled my resolve and formed words in my mouth.

Kate: Is it your parents, who have passed away... is it that you want them to be happy...?

Elbert: ......

For a brief moment, surprise shrouded his face, but then his eyes gradually became filled with darkness the more I looked.

Elbert: ...You heard from Al, didn’t you.

Kate: I’m really sorry for staying silent. I went and dug up your past on my own...

Elbert: ...Why, didn’t you just ask me directly?

Kate: That’s... because I wanted to know what was the thing that was making you suffer like this.

K: And... I didn’t want to invoke any sad memories.

Elbert: ......

Kate: I don’t mean to invalidate everything you’ve done up until now. But...

He thought it was a sin to not be born ‘beautiful,’ and he felt all the responsibility for his parents’ death as well.

And so, to atone for those, he collected things, and he accepted the pain.

That was the reality Lord Elbert was living. And nobody could deny that from him.

(But, even so...)

Kate: Please, I... I just want you to give yourself forgiveness...

Elbert: .........For, giveness...

Kate: And, I want you… to be happy.

I had always felt this way — it had never changed from the beginning — but I was surprised at how small my voice came out, and the way it trembled.

Even so, I mustered all of my strength, so that it wouldn’t get drowned by the night wind.

Kate: As long as you can’t forgive yourself,

K: you will only feel more hurt, no matter what you end up having, so...

(Please... let my words reach him.)

I looked into Lord Elbert’s eyes, my thoughts in a prayer.

But——those eyes stayed muddy, consumed by the darkness.

(...Please, I beg of you...)

Elbert: I...

E: ...don’t have any right, to forgive myself.

Kate: ...! But that’s—!

Elbert: ...But, if I can have you, I will surely be forgiven.

E: Because... you are this beautiful.

Kate: Right now, I... I can’t become yours...!

Elbert: ...But, why...

E: If it means I could have you, I wouldn’t mind burning down all the things I have, and yet——why?

Kate: I...!

K: Because... I...

K: ...I, love you...

Elbert: ...!

(I couldn’t say it, all this time.)

(Because, I was afraid of getting hurt, and of hurting him, too...)

(But... I can’t hold it in anymore.)

All my feelings and words overflowed——and I couldn’t stop it.

Kate: You’re burdening yourself with a sin you don’t have to bear, and you hurt yourself to do so... and I couldn’t just look the other way.

K: You are so kind, to the point it’s sad, and I... I like you for that...

K: And, no matter what sin you are bearing, I... I like you.

Elbert: ......

Lord Elbert stared at me without blinking once, as though time had stopped.

Kate: So, please, don’t throw away all your happiness to atone for this sin...

K: ...I, want you to smile. And, I want to make you happy, Lord Elbert...

K: And if I’m simply going to end up as another decoration in your room — another one of the things that is ‘not beautiful,’

K: I... definitely wouldn’t be able to do that anymore...

K: So, that’s why, I don’t want to become yours.

Elbert: ......

(...Please...)

(...end this eternal chain of suffering.)

I wanted his sadness to clear, like they did in fairy tales.

And, I wanted to put a stop to his endless atonement.

But——

Elbert: .........I understand now...

That faint glimmer of a hope like a light within a stormy night

was drowned out the moment I saw Lord Elbert’s face, which pointed downwards.

Elbert: ...The reason why I thought you were beautiful...

E: Your warm affection, and that pure, beautiful happiness...

E: You... are everything that I had stolen away.

And so, I had understood then that from now on, only pain and sadness would come for him.

(——Ahh...)

(As I thought, it didn’t work.)

Kate: ...hic...

Tears brimmed over my eyes, and my breath got caught in my throat.

As if I had dropped to the bottom of the deep sea, I couldn’t breathe.

(I... was not enough.)

(My love for Lord Elbert was... not enough...)

(...to save him...)

Lord Elbert’s hands reached out to me, and embraced me from where I stood still.

It was the same as having caught a weak, short-lived butterfly——gently, and softly.

Elbert: I already have your heart now.

E: So, if that’s the case...

E: ...I, no longer need that kiss from you.

——Now, Lord Elbert was going to make me his.

I would be offered to the dead, in order to atone for his sin.

In order to hurt himself deeply, and punish himself.

(To think something like love...)

(...could bury the deep, deep wounds he bore like magic——)

It was indeed, nothing but a dream.

Lord Elbert’s eyes were empty as he brought me to his room, still embracing me.

Kate: No... please, don’t... Lord Elbert.

Like a grumbling child, I could only repeat my words over again.

The shock of me being so helpless was so great, I couldn’t put any energy into my voice to resist him.

Elbert: ...No, you can’t.

E: I, won’t let you run away anymore.

Kate: ...!

He had let go of me when he laid me down on my bed,

but, I couldn’t just run away.

(And it’s not that I want to run away from you.)

(I just don’t want you to be sad.)

(And, I want you to smile.)

I want you to be by my side because you want to, so we can simply smile at one another.

Even though I knew I could never have that, I still couldn’t abandon that hope.

It felt like I was looking up from the depths of the sea, toward the surface that seemed so very far away.

Elbert: ...Kate.

Lord Elbert blocked the moonlight that streamed into his room, casting a shadow from above me.

His golden locks of hair seemed to glimmer in the moonlight — it was truly, very pretty.

Elbert: I, won’t let you run away anymore.

It was as though I had sunk down in the cold, deep sea as I looked around Lord Elbert’s room in a daze.

And then, my eyes stopped on the butterfly specimens that decorated the wall.

(The things here...)

(...every one of them is beautiful, sad, and lonely——they were all proof of his kindness, and his atonement.)

And, I will surely become one of those.

Just like the butterflies whose backs had been pierced by a needle.

Kate: Lord Elbert, please, stop this...

My pleading wavered, having carried my final hope.

Elbert: ...

Eyes that were devoid of life, as if they were glass marbles, looked down at me.

He didn’t answer me, instead——

I heard a metallic sound and felt a cold, chilling sensation on my ankles.

When I looked down, I saw that one of my ankles was connected to the edge of his bed with a manacle.

Elbert: ............With this,

E: I finally, have you.

There was no sign of forgiveness, of relief, of happiness — nothing.

It was a voice devoid of emotion, enough that it sent shivers down my spine.

—— Elbert’s POV ——

Elbert: ......

When I awoke, I found myself standing at the beach.

It was hard to say exactly how I ended up here, as my memories were hazy.

Elbert: ......Kate.

Suddenly, that name spilled from my lips.

For some reason, I couldn’t breathe well.

Even though I had gotten what I wanted.

I had obtained it.

The world’s most beautiful thing... the person who loved me, the person who wished for my happiness...

I’ve hurt her, deeply, with these hands——

Elbert: ...hh ...?

That which fell on the sand in droplets was my own tears.

Elbert: Why...

I didn’t even have to ask — I knew deep inside that I already knew the answer.

The reason why I thought Kate was beautiful, was because she had wished for my happiness.

Because, she had said she wanted me to smile, and tried to protect me.

And because... she had loved me.

(And that... made me happy. So, so happy.)

(Every second I’m with Kate... I was happy.)

——That’s why, I had to break it.

I had to obtain it, so I could offer it.

It was just as she said——I couldn’t allow myself happiness.

Elbert: ...What else do I need to have?

E: Just, what do I need... and how long will this last...

I had always sought out that something that could atone for my sin — the most beautiful thing in the world.

But, even though I’ve tried to offer them that beautiful love and happiness I had stolen away, it only got harder and harder to breathe.

I don’t know what to do anymore... in order to forgive myself.

—— Flashback ——

Elbert: Mother... I found a pretty flower.

Cecilia: ...Oh, it really... is pretty.

C: Thank you, Elbert.

—— End flashback ——

Those eyes that looked at me as though I were the bugs she despised—

—— Flashback ——

Jeffrey: Just how much does your sad and sorrowful, yet beautiful appearance… stir up the hearts of everyone in the manor?

J: You are sorrowful, beautiful… and pitiable, Lord Elbert.

—— End flashback ——

—— Flashback ——

Hugh: Only when you’re suffering do I feel even a little better.

—— End flashback ——

—and those voices that wish for my misfortune... I couldn’t run away from any of it.

Elbert: ‘I...’

E: ‘I can no longer stand this hideous self of mine...’

My father’s words right before his death echoed from within my ears.

——It felt like the distant horizon of the sea, was beckoning toward me.

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