#like mental issues and trauma do cause that. they do cause one to rot. i have first hand experience.

[the-acid-pear]

Something that I adore is when something is only Half a metaphor. Like the classic "yes the monster is a representation of grief but it's also real and it's coming for you". I think DSaF does that a lot with its body horror. Like lately I've been thinking of that line Harry says in fiery (flamey? I never get it right) ending about how every circuit of his board was SCREAMING at him to keep Bear alive but thing is, like... Yes, it'd do that, because he knows that if this bear goes down he will likely just be scrapped. You know what I'm saying? The "monster" (the reprogramming) is real but so is the metaphor (he's anxious about an untimely end)

[the1gayteen]

Magnus Archives x 9-1-1

This post is for really only me and my stupid multi-fandom brain rot. But please enjoy what Fears from the Magnus Archives I believe would have marked themselves on each of the 118 and when that would have happened during actual plotlines. 

Buck:  

The Vast; “The fear of heights, falling, and large open spaces including sky, space, and deep water. More broadly: the human fear of insignificance and meaninglessness, of losing oneself in too much space” (Marked during the Tsunami)  

I feel like Bucks first trauma during the 118 also fits here. The fall from the roller coaster. Buck would have been marked during the tsunami though. The fear of being lost in the never ending vast of the water, as well as that fear that bubbled in him while looking for Christopher. The fear than persisting through his fear of not being enough for everyone around him. Of needing to do so much in hopes of not falling into nothingness. Especially amplified from this fear during his childhood. Doing the one thing over and over again that got him attention from his family in hopes of not falling into that oblivion of meaninglessness. Buck also tends to be followed by these threats a lot during emergencies. Testing himself with heights, etc. Constantly hunted and stalked by the vast.  

Eddie:  

The buried; “The fear of small spaces, suffocating, drowning, being buried alive. Fear of everything crashing down around/on oneself. Fear of being trapped without enough space” (Marked during the collapse in well) 

Eddie could have been also the slaughter to me. But I feel like the first area during the show would be the buried. His marking being when he was trapped in the well collapse. This fear still does follow him and keeps him on his toes. Avoiding for the rest of the show anything that may cause a collapse (literally he is not a part of any other situation for the buried to get to him). I also see this manifesting then in a way with his mental state. The idea that so much of his pushed away mental issues (and possible sexuality *wink wink* ABC) finally collapsing onto him and causing him to be buried in his own head. See the multiple ones he has been through. Anxiety attacks, PTSD emerging, anger issues, romantic and relationship issues, not over Shannon, and low losing Chris (the only person in the house who keeps him from being completely buried in his own mind).  

Chimney:  

The End; “The fear of death itself—⁠uncaring and unstoppable, the fear that everything ends eventually” (Marked during car accident) 

I don't feel like I need to explain this. Death follows this man like no one else for the love of gods leave him alone for one god forsaken season if not for me for Maddie and Jee!! He absolutely should not have survived that car accident and death was definitely angry at that. Contently taunted by the idea of the end and needing to make the most of his life in fear of the next time. Not to mention how death has haunted him already for years, from his mother to Kevin. Death keeps an eye on him and uses his fear to drive him a lot, taunting him with near experience after near experience. Letting him fear the day that it will eventually take him. Because out of all the fears, The End takes everyone eventually, even the victims of the other fears.  

Hen:  

The Eye; “The fear of being watched, exposed, followed, having secrets exposed. Can also pertain to the drive to know and understand, even if your discoveries might destroy you.” (Unknown mark, possible during childhood) 

I cant think of a time that Hen would be marked by any other fear, but her demeanor and way of being reminds me a lot of Johnathan and how she may just be marked because of her personality (or possibly something in her childhood like Johns curiosity did). She constantly is seeking out information on her own instincts and craving more of it. Putting herself and her friends in possibly dangerous situations for that hunch and need for understanding and discovering if she was right, even if it is for the benefit of others most of the time. I can see her also feeding the eye as she fights to get through med school and wanting to know it all and being the best, even when that wasn't what was best for her. Hen just start worrying if you grow extra eyes or hear a tape recorder!! 

Bobby:  

The desolation; “The fear of pain, loss, burning, and destruction, especially with a senseless cause.” (Marked during the apartment fire) 

(This hurts me trust). That apartment fire was the pinacol of this fear following bobby for the rest of his life. Haunting his every decision and relationship. The idea of that amount of loss and destruction, for no reason other than the happenstance of his building sadly not being up to code. The desolation, that fear making him more cautious, more strict to those around him, but still he is followed and haunted by more and more. The desolation reminding him that this pain and destruction can sometimes never be stopped, and he can't save everyone. Literally, his station is involved with the most destructive and random of emergences, even when he leaves the station those emergences follow him (Think of Athenas family or the cruise ship). He will never be over the destruction he's caused, and that pain and fear drives the desolation around him, it feeding off his reactions to each one.  

Athena:  

The dark; “The primal fear of the dark, of the unseen, and the creatures hiding from our view” (Marked during attack by Jeffery Hudson) 

Athena lost for a bit her ability to trust the unknown after her attack and it is a perfect marking from the Dark. Entering that building into its domain and not being able to see or predict what Jeffery was doing or where he was in the first place. Even being hunted by this again during the blackouts (this fits way too good in my brain I swear). That darkness sent her spiraling again, not being able to trust anyone or anything. Even the fear targeting someone she cares about more than herself when she seems to break through the fears hold on herself. Athena is the only character to me though that has sort have shaken a bit of the effect of the fear on herself, but she still is a bit shaky of the dark and what hides in it from time to time, still marked for something to hunt her in the dark once she's brave enough to face it again.  

Maddie:  

The Hunt; “The animalistic fear of being chased or hunted; the primal fear of being prey.” (Marked during time with Doug, especially after finally getting away) 

I make myself so upset with this. Maddie the entirety of season 2 and even beyond with dealing with her continued fear from her encounters with Doug in continuing seasons drives a lot of conflict in her life and keeps her eternally marked by the hunt. Constantly on edge having actually been hunted, even when she was dealing with the feeling of just thinking she was possible being or could be hunted. That on edginess of never knowing and how her job haunts her with those memories, the fears way of still driving her to feed it and remember how it messed with her before, that it could do it again. Inserting herself into one of those situations without even thinking as well, again feeding the fear and even making a situation worse because of it. Sadly, Maddie is marked by my scariest and saddest fear, and she may never be free of its grasp on her. (The hunt to me speaks to my own PTSD/Anxiety and is genuinely a perfect allegory for both. Johnny Sims, you make me cry and crawl at my skin with this and it's both beautiful and horrible). 

If you made it this far, thanks for indulging in my brain rot of the day. Hope your pillow is cool on both sides and you smiled today! 

[ghostat7am]

"Care for a bug?"

Trying to get more comfortable showing my other Crygors since I actually have eight of them but Diverged is the most beloved. So introducing the Crygor I'm the most self conscious of DKJJGN

Meet Dr. Kilrait and his critters Selene and Mauve! They're actually much bigger and tower over Kilrait, just wanted to draw them little and small

(you can see the decrease in quality as I became more and more self conscious about them SGKGH)

This au everyone is assigned a creature that people deem as scary or undesirable. Crygor (named Kilrait) is a snake, Orbulon (named Selene) is a mosquito and Mike (named Mauve) is a tarantula. It doesn't really have a story, it's mainly a series of bizarre and horror-inspired scenarios. But there is some backstory

(Character descriptions + basic backstories. CW for near death mentions & mistreatment/implied ab*se for Selene)

Dr. Kilrait (he/him - name pending) is this world's Crygor, based off a Malayan Krait, he's a happy go lucky and affectionate doctor who specialises in surgery and entomology. He cares for his patients amazingly and has extraordinary talents, he aims to change the future of humanity and make the world a better place.

However, he's hiding something underneath- he was born with the inability to feel pain or fear, attempting to change his own biology to the point of obsession. In attempt to gain these feelings, he has begun experiments where he puts healthy and consenting participants into near death situations to monitor and try to mimic their reactions. He truly has no ill intent and makes sure these patients are completely safe during & after these tests, paying for treatment for any mental trauma they may recieve from such tests- he just feels incomplete and wrong without feeling these "truly human" emotions and he'll do anything to change it, even if it means tearing his life to shreds to achieve it.

Mauve (he/him) is Dr. Kilrait's mechanical Metallic Blue Tarantula son and this world's Mike, created to ease the ever-growing internal isolation and loneliness his creator suffers from. Typically very cynical and a skeptic, but aids his father without question. Trusts his dad's every word with no further thought or hesitation since he is Mauve's only window to human society. He may seem cold, but truly he's also quite loving like his father- however he's far less doting, Kilrait is extremely doting towards anyone he goes attached to but especially Mauve. He's all Kilrait has...

A few years ago, Mauve offered himself as a test subject to ensure the equipment for Kilrait's fear tests were safe for human. Everything was going well until something malfunctioned and almost ended the robot, this was the closest Kilrait has felt true terror as he cradled his son's injured body. He is physically okay, but it has left a mental scar on them both - causing Kilrait to only become more protective.

Selene (they/them) is Mauve's spouse and this world's Orbulon, based off a mosquito, they are very snide and vindictive. Suffering from extreme trust issues due to past mistreatment and pain, taught to be a vampire and drain others of their life (literally and emotionally/mentally) - but their cruel nature encases a gentle and affectionate soul, Mauve is slowly cracking away at their shell so they can finally be themselves again without paranoia.

After being left to rot by one they considered to be their true love, Selene decided to close themselves off to never suffer like that again, turning to tormenting others to ease their unpleasant feelings and began working in shady business in disguises. One night, Selene encountered Mauve while attempting to dig dirt up on Kilrait for a paying client, attempting to scare information out of the spider- they were only met with lighthearted amusement and friendly gestures, catching Selene completely off guard. It turned into a pleasant conversation between them and Selene decided to not ruin Kilrait's life for Mauve's sake. Afterwards, they kept meeting up and eventually fell in love as Mauve gently lowered their walls.

[bug-decal-kissing]

Hey friends!

A new work, A Cold Hand Against A Burning Shell by maxypoo, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It has a rating of General Audiences and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Sickfic, Fever, How Do I Tag, character study kind of?, this is my first fic, uhhh so, Sick Scarab, Comfort, Nursing back to health kind of, Roomates, Post-Canon, Faintness, Weakness, no beta read"

You can read it here:

Becoming Friends, by Somebody_Random123, was updated today, with 4/6 Chapters released! It has a rating of General Audiences and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Pre-Relationship, Post-Canon, Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, The enemies part is one-sided, cough cough Scarab, Not Beta Read, How Do I Tag, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Implied/Referenced Torture, but very slight mention, Is it considered torture?"

You can read it here:

Chasing Stars, by time_woods, was updated today, with 3/? Chapters released! It has a rating of Teen And Up Audiences and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Adventure Time AU, chasing stars au, this is like enemies to lovers but one sided enemies and lovers but they dont have a lable for it, neither of them like each other in the begining btw, Sīdus is joke flirter but then it becomes/ gen, this is prismos and scarabs therapy, they colab on the main fic, i put other cause neither of these mfs are cis, they both genderqueer in some way, some of that cosmic gore again, carma has knee problems and its totally not cause im projecting"

You can read it here:

Seraphyllic, by DrakianDH, was updated today, with 19/20 Chapters released! It has a rating of Teen And Up Audiences and Graphic Depictions Of Violence, and Major CHaracter Death, with additional tags "scarab the god auditor - Freeform, prismo the wishmaster - Freeform, Priscrab, ProhibitedWish, Scrabby, no beta we get turned to legos like the lich, Adventure & Romance, Story within a Story, Eventual Happy Ending, Maybe - Freeform, Author Is Sleep Deprived, The Author Regrets Nothing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, You gotta work for the comfort, begining poem important, each chapter a word, prepare, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone Needs A Hug, Sad with a Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm SorryI Will Go Down With This Ship, I Made Myself Cry, What Was I Thinking?, I Don't Even Know, Love"

You can read it here:

NSFW works are below the cut :].

A new work, Breaking Routine by ineedlemonade, was published today, with 1/5 Chapters released! It has a rating of Mature and Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, with additional tags "Existential Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Angst, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Not Beta Read, Sequel, Mental Health Issues, Violent Thoughts, Developing Relationship, Complicated Relationships, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Introspection, Forced Proximity, Unreliable Narrator"

You can read it here:

A new work, Distraction by Sh1pp1ng_Gr3ml1n, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It is Not Rated and Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, with additional tags "ProhibitedWish, Prismo x scarab, Smut, Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Trauma, past trauma, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, wholesome smut, smut but they love eachother, Explicit Consent, Communication, consent and communication, because consent is fucking important, we prioritize consent and communication here, it is the SEXIEST thing, Bug anatomy, Scarab is a hermaphrodite, he’s got a dick AND a pussy, FUCK YEA, Alien Biology, Alien Sex, Prismo is a goddamn tease, Cuddling, Aftercare, slick, Fingering, Vaginal Fingering, Cunnilingus, Oral Sex, Rough Oral Sex, antennae pulling, Praise Kink, Tentacle Sex, Tentacle Dick, Size Difference, I’ve never written smut before, but I like how this turned out, it was fun, hope you enjoy the read, Overstimulation, Dirty Talk, Enthusiastic Consent"

You can read it here:

A new work, Loving Those Hips by phoenixash234flames, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It has a rating of Explicit and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Face-Sitting, Hand Jobs"

You can find it here:

Sans Soleil, by Cosmic_Rainstorm, was updated today, with 3/? Chapters released! It has a rating of Mature and Graphic Depictions Of Violence, with additional tags "Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Blood and Injury, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Slow Burn, Idiots in Love, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Scarab has PTSD, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, babys first fic, No beta we die like Jake, Human AU, Kinda, As in Prismos hair will always be pink and idc, Broken Bones, Scarab has Chronic Pain, Swearing, smoking weed, Survivors Guilt, Mentions of Suicide, Mental Abuse, self worth issues, Coming Out, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Depression, Mental Breakdown"

You can read it here:

[hornysupermodel]

let the past go.

advice from a teenage girl.

let the past go. always remember the past

do not forget what people did to you

but do not stay stuck in the past.

staying stuck in one place, especially stuck in the past is one of the worst positions to be in. It is difficult. Grief caused me to be stuck in the past. Losing someone, anyone, can be absolutely soul crushing to a person whether from death or absence. But do not let these situations keep you stuck.

there is a saying “if you carry the bricks from your past, you’ll end up building the same house.” I agree with this saying a lot. humans are meant to evolve and grow. Successful people, especially those with trauma, have to outgrow that trauma. People don’t get happy, people don’t get rich, people don’t grow by staying in the same place mentally. It’s like growing up. You can’t have the same mentality you had when you were 7 years old if you are 17, you had to grow up and you learned and you slowly evolved. It’s the same thing with trauma. Grief and depression are not things we can easily overcome, some people never will overcome their depression, and grief will always be with you, but we slowly.. slowly.. get better. We learn how to live with these issues. But if you do not HEAL and GROW you will be walking around with an open wound, open for anyone to come and infect it, and people will.

I can write these blogs every day, I can encourage people for hours on end, you could get help from friends, teachers, therapists and counselors, but only you can break the cycle.

and that’s something I’ve learned and I now know. Only YOU can break the cycle. only YOU can fix YOUR life. Only YOU can actually listen to this advice and people’s advice and choose to take it or leave it. If you do not heal and grow you WILL be in pain until you decide to finally get out the endless cycle YOU have let yourself rot in.

Wake up.

get out of bed.

Do something productive.

Call a friend

draw

cook

go outside

play a sport

LET GO OF THE PAST AND BREAK YOUR CYCLE

Stop letting yourself hurt. People hurt us, but sometimes we let ourselves sit in that hurt longer than how badly it actually hurt.

-HSM ♡

[syringe3]

I feel like my life isn't good enough, it doesn't bring me enough pleasure, enough satisfaction. I feel that I deserve greater things, that I deserve a grandiose life, to be admired by everyone, to perform and to express and be loved for it.

Since I started sobriety I've been lacking something, all people do outside is drink, nobody ever cares about coming up with better activities. I've also missed out on a lot of night-outs because of my mental problems which cause me to isolate myself (trauma, psychosis, npd).

Not that I miss being with people, they never cared about my needs or the things I like, they never did anything interesting to me. I want to be understood and have real friendship, not the fake one it's so common nowadays, and its difficult when im so separated from everyone else by these mental issues.

I wish I could go out and do something art related, be it playing music or sewing, drawing, writing, anything. I wish I was as cool as everyone else and I wish I wasn't rotting in my room like a grumpy, boring old fuck. I wish I could have fun like drunks do, by just making art.

Why do I need to drink to feel like a cool teenager again? Why is it all everyone is interested in?

Why do I have no friends? Why does everyone betray me?

Why is everyone so stupid, with such bad taste?

Why is anybody like me? Where do I find someone like me?

[whimsicmimic]

if you want to! tell us more about your lizard PCs because i’m so angry on your behalf from those tags

ohhhh i will HAPPILY talk about my old lizards, Especially the First Lizard, Avra Ree, because Avra Ree went on a fucking Journey.

So this! Is Avra Ree, she was a copper dragonborn and a death cleric, and she was my First Ever DnD Character. She was a fucking mess, both wrt stats (because none of us knew what we were doing; fucking TAZ:Balance taught me more about mechanics than my group at the time, and Balance was. Hooo boy.) and in terms of group cohesion, but that’s okay, because I loved her!

The gist of Avra was that she came from a clan of dragonborn that worshipped a goddess of death and rot. It was a heavily isolated group, and in leaving it to go on a pilgrimage, this would be Avra’s first time encountering the new world around her. She was full of love and joy, and she was Terrified of rain and water. She was a mortician, and regarded death with a certain gentleness and love. She also had a brother, who died from illness at a young age; she never really moved on from the grief, and kept his skull, which she kept with her and used as a spell focus.

The core themes of Avra’s character were isolation, love, and grief.

I’d play her like a few more times over the years (once in another campaign that never really took off the ground, and a few more times in one-shots) but it wouldn’t be a while until she came back.

In February of 2019, my buddy Hollis wanted to run a campaign. We were RP partners at the time! I went yea sure count me in!!!!!!

I knew I wanted to play Avra again, but I kinda wanted to mix up her design after the last few years of Lizard. so ENTER!!!! Marvey!!!!!!

Avra Ree would be rewritten as a firbolg grave cleric named Himemiya “Marvey” Llue.

Over the course of Everything, there’d been more lorework and detail given to her backstory and the setting of it.

She’d be from a clan of firbolg living in an archives that once was the hoarde of an ancient silver dragon, which was regarded as the savior of their people. They were dedicated to the preservation of knowledge above all else. Though the Great Dragon was long dead by the time Marv came about, the logul people were dedicated to the preservation of the hoarde and its expansion! On occasion, people would leave the mountain to go back out into the world and gather more books, articles, papers, newspapers, paintings — anything they could get their hands on, really. Go out, learn more about your field of study, come back and report what new discoveries had been made, if any.

Marvey’s mother would leave on a pilgrimage. She’d leave her kid and her husband behind with bright eyes and promises to be back in a few years, and then she never came back. So! Later on. Marvey would also leave. Head out into the world, find out what happened to her mother and maybe find some closure.

She’d become a cleric of Jergal, after finding a dilapidated temple of his that’d been taken over and inhabited by all sorts of imps and other nasty critters + helping clearing it out and tidying it up.

Core themes of her character were once again love, death, grief, and isolation, and some of her central conflicts revolved around trauma as a result of heavy childhood neglect, (more) grief, and also unlearning harmful shit from your upbringing and environment.

Also? Anger. Oh my god. Anger.

Marvey had ! Many, many issues. There was a big conflict between her and another party member early on that neither one of them really recovered from, and it ended up becoming a big issue that was slowly driving the party apart. Marvey was also fucking, deeply deeply angry and felt things VERY intensely, which ended up causing a lot of problems vis a vis character bleed for me, and it ended up negatively impacting my mental health to the point where we made the hard decision to let Marvey go + start playing another character.

We never found Marv’s mom, and Marv never got her closure.

Instead, Marv joined the mafia. She now — post campaign — acts as a doctor for the mob + runs a small community clinic by herself. She’s a fixture of her newfound community, and she’s fiercely protective of this small corner of the city she’s made for herself.

HOWEVER.

Avra Ree had a Real Cute Design, didn’t she? And I kinda wanted to play a lizard again after so many years. I made a lot of mistakes with Marvey; she was a source of conflict, when I wanted her to be more soft and warm, the glue that holds the party together. So when Marvey and Ish (Marv’s replacement)’s campaign ended, we decided to return to lizard.

Enter: Tamara Bhatt

This is Tama, my sweet beloved Tama. I love her So Much. She’s a brass dragonborn gunslinger/rogue. She is!!! Just A Guy! And i’m Insane about her.

She’s the oldest of five, and she comes from a very small town. She left home to head north into her country’s capital to apprentice under a weaponsmith. The way that she joined the party/campaign? Her mentor was having her deliver a package in person to one of their clients (an npc named Yu Huang, a famous actor and important political heir a few countries over. Tama and Huang would later become Best Fucking Friends.)

She’s Just A Fucking Guy, but she’s got some of The Best characterization I’ve EVER done, and I just really have a fucking blast playing her. I love this lizard so much. She’s just a guy. Just a small town lizard who went into the Big City to deliver a package, met some people, and now she’s so thoroughly entangled in this deep web of conflict with no way out. To protect one of our party members, our only options are to Get Famous, or Die Trying, and now? Tama’s in far too deep.

If I had to assign her core themes, they’d be identity, what it means to be brave, family, and isolation vs community. And Love, of course. You can fit So Much Love in this lizard.

It’s been really interesting though! Because Avra most certainly became Marvey, but Tama’s character was certainly informed by mistakes I made with playing Marv. Marv was a character who would’ve been really fun to read in a story, sure, and I love her to bits! But ultimately, she wasn’t a character well-suited for an improvisational cooperative game. She was too heavily developed, and it made her incredibly rigid. She was sweet and friendly, but INCREDIBLY stubborn and Driven. I wanted her to be a stabilizing force for the party, but she ended up becoming a source of conflict.

With Tama, though? I’ve actually managed to succeed! Tama is likeable! She’s the Big Sister of the party, the one people turn to for comfort, the mediator. There was a two-session gap where Tama actually died during combat, and her body had to be left behind, causing a lot of uncertainty and grief in the party because That’s Tama, and We Left Her Behind, and What If We Never Get Her Back? and ngl, it was genuinely Fascinating to see the hole Tama left in the party, because her absence was VERY MUCH felt!!!! You could see the arguments play out and all the spots where Tama would usually step in and help work things out, and it was ROUGH!!!!!!

But ! Idk man, I just think its Neat. That’s the story of my first DnD character, Avra Ree, who paved the way for Marvey and Tama, all three of which who are Distinct, but also kinda overlapping still. Its neat!

[silentmassacres]

sun, nov 3

nostalgia, jealousy, and neglect

i have an odd experience with dissociation, one that occurs again and again. not constant, but familiar enough. i can feel as my brain latches onto certain memories or ideas, trying to bring me back to them.

of course, i can't go back.

the christmas of 2012 at my grandparents' house won't return. my cousins are older now, no longer carrying around toys and a ds with games for me to explore. i got yelled at until i cried that night, for reasons i can't remember. i still miss the glowing lights of the tree that i helped decorate.

my elementary school library is, undoubtedly, different now. kids are no longer playing poptropica on the computers while i check out every i spy book. i miss the way they smelled.

—

many times, i find myself giving in. mentally living at least a decade ago. it's easier, i guess. i know it furthers my dissociation, to be solidly convinced i'm in another place and time. my brain is stuck there, and i don't feel there's much i can do.

i'd rather be there and disoriented than here and miserable

—

i didn't like school as a child. i found it boring and my peers frustrated me. many times, my teachers did as well. i was an easy target, i suppose.

yet, somehow, despite all of it, i miss it. i shouldn't. i don't know why i do.

i'd like to go home now.

—

i don't like calling myself disabled. i know that, realistically, i am. sometimes i'll use the word as if it proves anything, as if i am somehow more heard.

my body is deteriorating from the inside out. they don't know what's wrong with me, and nobody bothers to care or check. so i remain a mystery. of course, it's internal. there is never a moment i am without pain and i will try not to collapse when my body decides to give up on me — but that is unseen.

it feels like a cruel joke at times. if i were a character, it'd be some parallel or metaphor or other literacy device; a play on how, with all of my mental suffering internalized, i am now facing the same with physical issues

—

i'd like to hope there's something solid wrong with me. maybe they could do something.

for another day and another week and another month, i will ignore the concept of chronic pain and fatigue and what basically amounts to rotting internally being as a result of trauma. i will not receive help for that.

even if it is physical, i still don't receive help.

—

i dislike feeling jealous. it makes me feel like a bad person, in all of my misdirected anger. it's not the fault of those who have what i cannot, and they shouldn't be the target of my frustrations.

yet i can't help but compare myself.

maybe it's worse in some aspects for others, but i still find myself fighting to prove that i'm somehow more worthy. i begin to believe that worth means nothing if not recognized — worth is only built on recognition after all, is it not?

i keep it to myself, most times. no need to express it

—

it's not just hormones, i've decided. it's part of it, i guess. the hormones make me irritable with others. but they're not what's causing me to be miserable. suicidal ideation used to be reserved for the week or two before. we're past that now, and i still feel depression wrapping around me.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm told it's fine (of course, what else are you to say?), but i still worry.

it still lingers with me, having been abandoned during arguably the worst bout of depression in my life, and then claiming i was neglectful. i don't want to go through that again.

i'm not wonderful with being. openly caring. not in the way people want. it's easy for people to assume or say that i don't care and paint me in a negative light. and when the time comes in which i can barely care for myself, will i continue to extend that towards others?

i fear it only breeds resentment.

does it matter if i hurt myself, so long as i behave normal enough? so long as i'm caring?

i worry she'll be mad at me for it. i don't remember where that feeling comes from.

[drivelikeaminister]

Foundation Help

Yesterday was very nice weather, and I was able to do some exterior housework. First up, one of my fence posts seemed a bit wobbly. I was expecting to dig around it and maybe pour some cement to hold it steady. But when I dug nearby, I saw that the post (FYI - pressure treated 4x4 installed less than 10 years ago) was completely rotten through and came apart in my hands...

Okay, that's not so bad. I am able to replace a post, but why was it rotting? Hm... looks like our downspout isn't draining to a great spot. Again no worries, I can deal with drainage direction and downspouts. But hold on a second, what else is in the area that might have been damaged by excess water? Oh, just the house foundation! And there are cracks in it (horizontal, which I hear is worse than vertical). Eek!

It seems that the presenting problem was just one symptom which pointed to a much more serious concern. It also became clear that I needed some professional help, for although I can do many home projects I am not going to attempt a foundation fix solo.

This is the case with other home repairs. If your lights are constantly burning out, it might be a sign of incorrect voltage or an issue with your circuit breaker (it could also be other, more minor issues). A dark spot on your roof could mean that there is a leak (or it could be something minor). Either major, expensive and invasive repairs or minor, easy fixes.

As with homes, so with our emotional and physical selves. If someone is sleeping badly, that might be a symptom of needing a new mattress, or it could be a symptom of overburden or mental stress. Lack on concentration in school or at work may be caused by excitement for an upcoming vacation, or could be a sign of emotional suffering.

The physical/emotional list could go on and on, including: unusual fatigue, bed-wetting, nail biting, decreased appetite, aches and pains, rapid heart rate, lethargy, hyperactivity... essentially pick any change in physical characteristics and it can have a benign cause or one more dangerous or difficult.

This is one reason that it is always wise to get a medical and/or therapeutic professional to evaluate. Ex: If someone looses control of their bladder. Is that a sign of cancer, urinary tract infection, nervousness, trauma response...? A physician and therapist can help assess whether the cause is mental, physical or something else.

Listen to your body and to your emotions! Where might you need to reach out and get a professional to help? It may be that what you were trying to change is only a symptom of a much more serious concern. It's okay to mention things to your physician and/or therapist, even if you are pretty sure there is no concern. It's best for anything to find the potential larger concern as soon as possible.

Now I need some help... any recommendations for foundation work in the area?

[pollylops]

just trying to make a comprehensive list of everything wrong with me

aphasia- difficulty communicating verbally and for about a year struggling to form written sentences and especially complex or more complicated sentences. THIS IS HARD TO TYPE im all over the place and none of this feels right.

brain tumors/migraine/tinnitus- seems like when i address these things individually they are like ahh yeah jjust gotta deal with it to which i say, ok but why do i not get access to SOME kind of treatment why cant i at least try to find something in this world to help me understand/treat and deal with living inside of my head 24/7/ i know i come off as quit normal but thats bc my nervous system WILL NOT LET ME UNMASK in front on 99.9% of humans. i barely unmask with my closest friends let alone someone meeting me the first time who i am QUite CERTAINly will judge me if i act too peculiar. i have brain tumors, migraine, tinnitus and i have no doctor or anyone remotely who gives a flying freak this is happening to me. ( I AM SUICIDAL IDEATION DAILY bc of my tinnitus and this is something i struggled with in silence at my job bc i was ableist, embarred, ashamed and confused. )

cptsd

medical ptsd from being not listened to and gaslit by over 5 physicians throughout my life

ptsd from not having medical care for 20 years

ptsd from going to the emergency room 3 times to get antibiotics because my mouth is full of rotting wisdom teeth that are broken, infected and shifting in my mouth for over 20 years leading to possbile severe blood infections i already have heart issues and this could be making it worse

back and spine issues- idk if i have a broken or slipped disc or degenerating discs on its own or if i have cancer and its causing fractures in my spine but i cannot move or bend without risk of severe pain or injury. i had a back episode about a year ago that PARALYZED me for at least 2 days.

i have trauma from not being able to access health care during this time of paralysis. not only do i not have health care I AM AFRAID OF DOCTORS and i need therapy and help to save myself from falling through the cracks of yet again another system. I AM TERRIFIED OF LIVING let alone working one wrong move and i cannot walk or move and i have nothing to help me access a world without legs. i already barely shower and cook food and care for myself properly. i go weeks without caring for my home. i am lost in my head often and when flat out asked how i feel i often cannot explain it or express it not only bc of the aphasia but also bc of alexithymia.

i have repeated trauma from not being able to access medical care. i cannot walk to a hospital from where i live. i do not have 24/7 transportation. i have had MULTIPLE emergencys such as FALLS, BURNS and mental health breakdowns where i have had to "ride it out" on my own alone in my apartment and i genuinely again do not know how i made it out alive.

i have trauma from going through the dehumanizing process of applying for disability. i find it to be insane that i have to prove i have been treating my disability my entire life when part of my needing help with my disability directly stems from the ongoing lack of care and access to it (treatment/healthcare/proof im disabled). PLEASE DONT LET tHIS PART GO OVER YOUR HEAD I FKN BEG YOU. this is inhumane.

autism - suicide attempts ??? i mean i genuinely have no idea how NOGODDAMNBODY in my life never noticed this but in their defense autism WAS NOT nearly as understand communally as it is in 2023 and we got people out here trying to literally kill me just for saying i am autistic so theres a ways to go on that front

adhd - currently this is what is disabling me the most, imo.

depression - suicide attempts 3. i was diagnosed with depression at age 15 by my family physician dr. radnothy. he also gave me medical trauma for dismissing basically everything i ever came in to see him about and i have a mole that is growing and changing colors on my side for over 20 years which i recently was told was NOT OK was explicity told to me was perfectly normal.

anxiety - i mean.... lol (i honestly chalk ALL of my anxiety up to autism and the fact that i was genuinely just overwhelmed most of my life but that overwhelm was not a valid excuse in the eyes of the believeres of our lord and savior in the year 2023.

paranoia

bipolar suicide attempts 3

bpd suicide attempts 2

dysautonomia -pots

fibromyalgia

schizophrenia/schizoaffective - during the time i was working i experienced this at its worst and as ive been home since sept 2021 i have experienced the affects of this less and less. at its worst i believed my bosses were all witches in a coven and they were constantly hexing me. i believed they were casting evil spells to make bad things happen in my life. while working at my last employer i:

experienced severe bullying (will provide examples) as the bullying and stress got worse the symtoms of schizoafffective became unmanagable. i think thhis experience triggered adhd and schizophrenia or at least thats the symptoms i experienced the worst.

pandemic started

my self awareness has not always been this good. i have written 15 and 25 page sociolgy reports when i was in college now i can barely put together a bunch of cohesive thoughts for this argument.

i will not survive without receiving these benefits. i want to be a part of society again and benefits would help me do that. please do for me what would have helped me years ago. to know that i was disabled but instead i was raised by an ableist family who would have rather pretended like their kid was okay and bury their head in the sand then admit that your kid needs help and you maybe created a human without truly understanding the ramifications. i mean moreover and disgustingly so my fucked up ablesit family would have rather my 27 year old severely brain damaged mom give birth to me not realizing her disabilities would not only make it nearly impossible to raise a child in a healthy loving environment then waste the opportunity for a man and woman to make a holy family in the eyes of our lord and savior of the year 1984.

willupdatemorewhennotoverwhelmed

[introspectral]

Meta: White Vision’s Trauma

{out of directives} (Trigger warnings for trauma, mental health, gender identity, and body dysmorphia ahead!)

I’m just here thinking about this reaction of his, which is before his memory access is restored, so he doesn’t remember anything before waking up in S.W.O.R.D.’s facility... and it occurs to me how much trauma Vision is feeling even at this point. The way he pulls back and suspiciously looks at the hand that reached out to touch him says to me that he’s not comfortable with being touched. He might even be a little afraid of it. It’s no surprise, considering one of his earliest memories (before he gets all his previous ones returned) would be of being manhandled by various people at the facility.

White Vision’s sense of privacy and autonomy got off to a really rough start. I would imagine that they continued to work on him and make adjustments in various ways even after he was brought to full consciousness. That must have felt incredibly violating to him, being pawed at shortly after being “born,” as far as he understood it.

Then, once he did regain access to all his previous memories, that only made the trauma worse. Granted this is relying on a whole slew of headcanons I’ve detailed for Red Vision’s composition and abilities, but... suddenly White Vision had all these memories of doing things he can no longer do and things that no longer seem to fit with his sense of identity.

The first time he looks in a mirror after regaining memory access is beyond traumatic for him. He used to be red. Now he’s white. He used to have a yellow stone in his forehead. Now he’s got a blue one. His eyes look different. He can’t make “clothes” or “hair” anymore, or change his color. He can’t alter his body in the same ways. He realizes he no longer has a digestive system or a reproductive system, things that took so long for him to research, develop, and optimize. He cannot create genitals anymore, which affects his gender identity. All because the organics were stripped from his body. He’s mostly vibranium now, his living tissues and cells are gone. They rotted after he died and then S.W.O.R.D. baked the remnants of them away in a process not unlike baking ceramic, resulting in a boy that was sterile and more machine than living organism. And all of this is very distressing to him.

For someone who prided himself on being a synthezoid and on having these properties and abilities, to realize that he lost them - that they were forcibly taken from him - had to have made Vision angry, but also had to make him sad. He doesn’t look like himself anymore, and that causes him to have identity issues. The memories he has still carry a lot of meaning, and it seems to him that that’s who he is, and yet he knows he’ll never really be that person again. He probably doesn’t want to be something or someone entirely different, but he knows he can’t go back to being who he was before. That kind of situation would leave anyone feeling very lost, confused, and with an unstable sense of identity.

I have an added headcanon that, once Vision begins reaccumulating organic matter into his system and can once again experiment with attempting a human disguise, it becomes very apparent to him that S.W.O.R.D. screwed up in putting him back together. There are parts he just can’t change no matter how hard he tries, or parts that, no matter how much he tries to make them even or uniform, always have a dent, or an inconsistency, or things that look like scratches. Scars. Not only did they manhandle every part of him and change him from what he originally was, but they were less than careful with him as they did so, resulting in imperfections and essentially things that become like wounds or scars for him. This only adds to his anger, distress, and confusion over his sense of self, and increases his sense of violation and distrust of others.

It occurs to me, now that I’m thinking about all of this, that White Vision would develop a kind of body dysmorphia. His body doesn’t feel like his own, it doesn’t look right to him, and it has these scars and imperfections that he hates and would begin to obsess over. Some of them are so minor that they’re hard to see and yet he insists that they’re there. Some most definitely are there, but others are more psychological in nature. He’s obsessing over not being perfect, not being himself anymore, and that makes him perceive flaws where there are none.

Vision’s inability to fix these flaws (the physical ones he won’t be able to fix until more of his organics are restored, and the psychological ones will never go away until he addresses his underlying mental health issues) might make him withdrawn, angry, brooding, and he might develop a tendency to isolate himself. Combined with him being uncomfortable with being touched, he may flinch away if someone reaches for him, depending on who it is and why they’re doing it. 

That’s it, that’s the post. I just suddenly had a burst of headcanons regarding this topic and thought I would get them all down before I forgot because it’s relevant and I’ll be including these in my interpretation of him.

[stainedglassthreads]

As I spend more time in the Undertale fandom, there are some characterizations of characters that grow to bother me-- one of them being, that Frisk suffering from Chosen One syndrome, believing they can only shoulder their heavy responsibilities entirely on their own, especially bothersome in a Post-Pacifist setting. Because Undertale seems to say quite a lot, and among the things it says, it subtly but viciously deconstructs the idea of a singular hero bringing hope to a kingdom and saving it. 

Because here’s the thing: three ‘hopebringers’ existed long before Frisk ever ran away to Mt Ebott. All three of them seemed to bring hope in the short-term and the extremely long-term, but they also all contributed to making the Underground’s situation worse and messier. Each gave the next hopebringer a heavier and heavier burden to carry, wreaking progressively more havoc on their mental health and making them suicidal as a result. And all three are not saints, but rather flawed and complicated individuals, who can be controversial among some parts of the fandom. 

1) Chara

The first hopebringer was Chara, and to a lesser extent Asriel. But right now, I’m going to focus on just Chara. Almost everything about Chara has been hotly debated in the past, but there are a few things that set them up as the Underground’s first hopebringer, and ultimately caused them to martyr themself. 

Chara was the very first human to fall to the Underground. Many younger monsters, such as Asriel, had never met a human before, and for those older monsters who had, their last interaction with humanity would have been the one-sided massacre of the War, and being sealed Underground to rot indefinitely. Anyone would have expected monsters to fear and shun this representative of their oppressor’s race. And yet, Chara came to be so loved by the whole Underground, that they were even accepted as a member of the royal family. 

Of course, being viewed as an honorary Dreemurr came with a heavy burden, especially from Chara’s new adoptive parents. Whenever Frisk dies, we hear an echo of words told to Chara by Asriel. 

‘You are the future of humans and monsters.’ 

With how eagerly Asgore was to make a child like Frisk the Ambassador of Monsters, many fanworks extrapolate he may have had similar expectations for Chara, and it is my belief that these responsibilities, mixed with Chara’s pre-existing traumas, beliefs, and mental issues, led to a very unstable and unhealthy mindset. 

Not much is agreed on by the whole fandom about Chara’s personality, and even less is known for certain about their past. Asriel confirms that Chara came to Mt Ebott for an unhappy reason, and hated humanity. From their No Mercy speech, and the implication they may have been trying to destroy the Reset power in life, it can be further extrapolated Chara had a strong sense of actions having consequences, and taking responsibility. 

It is well-known that Chara and Asriel concocted a plan, to obtain seven human souls to break the Barrier and let monsters go free. A plan which they kept secret from their parents, and which involved Chara’s death. Personally, I think it quite telling that Chara chose themself to die, when the No Mercy Route shows how easily humans can kill monsters, and that they chose to kill themself in the same way they accidentally poisoned their adoptive father. I think Chara was driven by a combination of responsibility, self-loathing, and guilt, that manifested in their suicide attempt. 

They are a human, they are the real demon. Even when they find a loving family, all they do is hurt them. It is their responsibility to atone for humanity’s and their own sins, they are the future of humans and monsters. They are the only human soul in the Underground, therefore they can be the only one to make this sacrifice. Why would their family possibly mourn for them, they should be happy, they should be smiling. They’re going to be free-- of the Underground and their tormentors. 

Of course, we know that things didn’t play out as Chara thought. Asriel failed to carry out their plan and died too, and the Underground was ultimately deprived of hope. Leading us to our next broken hopebringer... 

2) Asgore Dreemurr

Toriel was always described as the brains behind the throne. She was the one who dreamed of educating children, and in an ending where she becomes Queen, will elect to judge humans on a case-by-case basis. She loves children, but is stoic and rational. 

Asgore, emotional crybaby Asgore, was the one who could always connect with his people, capable of both demanding their respect, and earning their love. What other ruler could earn such nicknames as ‘King Fluffybuns’ and ‘big fuzzy pushover’, while never seeming hated in the slightest by his subjects? 

So what is Asgore meant to do when his children both die in a single night, and his people go completely bereft of hope? Remember, this isn’t simply an issue of demoralization. A hopeless monster is in danger of falling down-- falling asleep, never to awaken again. If nothing is done, it’s possible a large percentage of his kingdom could die, or even create a ripple effect. And he is the one who the people adore, not Toriel, who intimidates the Ruins monsters, whose pacifistic policies are overthrown should too many monsters die. 

If his people are on the brink of dying, Asgore Dreemurr will simply give them something to live for. He declares war on humankind, he promises the fallen dead and the Barrier broken. He swears vengeance. 

In the immediate short-term, this does give hope back to monsters. Just as how Chara’s friendship with Asriel gave monsters something to look forward to, so does this. But just as Chara’s sense of responsibility led to their death, so does Asgore’s sense of responsibility torment him, pushing him to the point where, if Flowey does not interrupt him, he kills himself. 

Toriel leaves Asgore, disgusted with his actions. In a Pacifist run, she says that if he had wanted to go through with his plan, he would have recreated Chara’s plan. Many seem to believe this is Toriel saying, this is what Asgore SHOULD have done. I have a slightly different takeaway-- I think this is Toriel saying, this is what Asgore would have done-- if he had ever really wanted vengeance on humanity in the first place. 

He absolutely could have crossed the Barrier with one soul. He knows what Chara and Asriel did. But he chose to wait Underground for the next fallen human, for an indefinite period of time. And he chose to keep his people waiting with him. And while he waited, even if his people are fond of him, and he occasionally does public appearances for them (giving a talk at Monster Kid’s school, playing Santa for Snowdin)... he seems incredibly isolated. No matter the route, he seems surprised to see a human in his garden, if he even recognizes Frisk as human. It takes Frisk’s friends physically gathering for him to realize, they don’t want Frisk dead, and he is released from his promises of killing the Fallen Humans, and carrying out a war. 

When Asgore declared war, Toriel exiled herself to the Ruins, abandoning monsterkind. A selfish choice, and one that also wreaked havoc on her own mental health, if the Winter Alarm Clock Dialogue and some of Sans’ dialogue is to be taken into account, but her selfish choice allowed her to be more true to herself and her morals. Asgore found himself in conflict with his sense of morality and his sense of duty. Perhaps he, too, isolated himself from close connections, unable to listen to his people’s excitement over getting a seventh soul and destroying humanity, when in his soul, he was so tired of killing, and hated the promise he had made in haste and anger, which had driven away his wife. So tired... that if Frisk refuses to kill him, then he can no longer carry on. 

Although he saved his kingdom from a lack of hope, it’s clear to see the toll his promise took on him and his personal life, and his declaration also creates most of Frisk’s direct obstacles throughout their journey Underground. But should Frisk remain a pacifist and remain determined despite it all, there is one final broken hopebringer to come to... 

3) Alphys

Alphys is a robotics genius. She created all of Mettaton’s forms with extremely limited supplies. She manages to run the behemoth that is the Core. She turned a cell phone into a fucking jetpack. But I think we can all agree... she is an engineer and roboticist, not a biologist, magic expert, or soul expert. And she was way out of her depth when Asgore asked her to break the Barrier. 

Her theory made some amount of sense, and she worked with what limited supplies she possessed. But I don’t think she really knew what she was doing, when she injected Fallen-Down monsters with Determination. She had no idea Determination was so so dangerous to monsters, nor exactly how it was dangerous. She was grasping at straws, feeling everyone relying on her. At first when she messed up, it wasn’t so bad. A cure for falling down is a miracle, even if it was an accident. But then it all went horribly, terribly wrong. And Alphys’ own anxious disposition rapidly made things even worse. 

In a True Pacifist ending, the Amalgamates are reunited with their families, and said families are simply relieved and happy to have them back, even with their new forms, celebrating the occasion. But Alphys isolates herself alone in her lab, convinced she is the worst of the worst, incapable of telling the truth about what happened to the Fallen Down monsters. This eventually reaches a low point, and if not for Undyne’s fortunate intervention... perhaps the amalgamates would have remained in the lab forevermore, forgotten by all... 

So... why is Frisk different? 

Frisk is not the first would-be savior of the Underground. So why are they the only one to succeed in truly saving it? Are they some superhuman incapable of ever being discouraged, capable of doing what even an Angel, a King, and a Scientist couldn’t? 

While their determination is not to be discounted, I don’t believe it’s what allowed Frisk to save the Underground. Rather, they are willing to call for help, and they have the efforts of the three previous hopebringers to make things easier for them. 

Asgore does the most visible work. By already possessing six souls, and having just enough monster souls to function as one human soul, Frisk narrowly avoids being made the seventh. But Chara does the most work in making sure Frisk is never alone via the NarraChara theory, providing Check information on all the monsters and allowing Frisk vital help in Sparing monsterkind and navigating the Underground. Perhaps even through keeping their morale and determination high, via the jokes and encouragement found in narration. 

The truth is, while Frisk is very determined, their determination did not carry them through the most difficult parts of their journey. They are mostly alone and facing great adversary throughout the majority of a True Pacifist route, only Papyrus seeming to support and encourage them in their pacifistic ideals, and everyone else needing to be convinced that humans and monsters can coexist, and mercy is an option, some through quite unconventional means. But eventually, this effort is always repaid in full, exactly when Frisk least expects it. 

In the fight against Photoshop Flowey, Frisk’s determination is nowhere near enough to rival Flowey’s with six souls. They are left incapable of doing anything but calling for help-- and the six souls do help them and revolt against Flowey. If the souls had chosen not to help Frisk, for whatever reason, they would have been trapped at Flowey’s whims for perhaps an eternity. 

It’s much the same in the True Pacifist ending. It’s only possible to spare Asgore because Frisk convinced the whole Underground some humans were good, which in turn let Asgore know he no longer needed to keep his promise. It’s also through this turn of events that a substitute seventh soul was created, meaning Frisk didn’t need to die, and through Frisk’s friends’ love for them that the Lost Souls were saved, and Asriel regained his compassion. 

Frisk doesn’t even break the Barrier on their own. One could argue that, every other character in the game BESIDES Frisk(and, arguably, Napstablook) works together to break the Barrier, instead of just them. 

In truth, Frisk and Asriel are the fourth and fifth hopebrings. And while Asriel, too, was very much still broken at the end of it all, Frisk never gave up hope. Never gave up determination. And only in the route where everyone comes to save them do they, in turn, grant the monsters freedom, alongside Asriel. Flowey can’t free the monsters on his own, only with Frisk’s help can he attain godlike power. 

Undertale is a game where you can’t get the happiest ending by being selfish OR selfless. No one has to die, but you do need to make an effort to be their friends. Only by putting effort into a relationship can you make a friendship, and if you try to be everyone’s savior, you may make those around you happier, but you may not truly fix their problems, and you WILL suffer for it. 

Chara, Asgore, Alphys, Asriel, and Frisk’s efforts did eventually result in ‘the best possible ending’, but Asriel concedes at the end that it still wasn’t a perfect decision. A single playthrough of Undertale can still result in Frisk dying, repeatedly, which would almost certainly leave some lasting trauma on the kid. But... maybe, had Chara and Asriel been more open about their burdens all those years ago, with the help and support of others, they could have made a more perfect decision, and avoided locking their followers into a series of messy, imperfect ones. 

But hindsight is 20/20, and maybe there’s a lesson to be learned, too, from creating the best possible ending with what imperfect choices you still have. 

[friendofhayley]

Monthly shout-out to every fanfic creator for all fandoms! Thank you for posting your talent for free and making our fandoms a more creative place. <3 This fic rec includes 12 fics from One Direction, Harry Potter, and Teen Wolf fandoms.

Larry (One Direction)

1. Praise the Mutilated World by @eeveelou, @creamcoffeelou | dystopian AU - A/B/O - on par with Hunger Games for dystopian world/plot - maybe its the feminism but I saw some parallels between governing of vagina-welders and omegas - 106k

It was August when everything changed.

By October, the leaves changed, and so did Louis’ heart.

2. i'll be someone who won't be forgotten by @socialiststyles | oof oof oof this hit close to home (for Sagittariuses) - love confessions - friends to strangers to lovers - angst with a happy ending - 27k

"I’m just—" (Harry hiccups) "there’s a lot here."

And – yeah. There are oceans between them and mountain ranges surrounding them and Louis can feel tectonic plates shifting beneath his unsteady feet, pulling them further and further apart by the heartbeat. There are countries of distance, but there are pages and maps and textbooks of shared histories, moments documented and carefully filed away and Louis can’t remember thinking complete thoughts before he thought of Harry.

3. Send Me Your Pillow (The One That You Dream On) by @lesbianiconharrystyles | this was so soft and lovely - gAyBO - omega/omega - fluff and anxiety - 1k

Harry is embarrassed to realize he's nesting but can't stop stealing Louis' things for his nest.

4. falling, catching by tsuneni | light academia - first time - strangers to lovers - creatives in love - 23k

Harry’s jotting down some more notes when he feels a thud on his right shoulder. He doesn’t flinch, thank God, because when he turns his head to the right his suspicions are confirmed. The boy has fallen asleep on Harry’s shoulder.

When Harry lets out the breath he had been holding, the sleeping boy pushes his nose further into the burgundy fabric of Harry’s sweater, and wraps his arm around Harry’s waist.

This boy is going to be the death of him.

Wolfstar (Harry Potter)

5. I Tried Writing Your Name In The Rain, But It Never Came, So I Used The Sun Instead by @lenscribbles | I loved that Remus was a POC and his Syrian mother is amazing - friends to lovers - mutual pining - and nothing bad happens to them ever in the future :) - 12k

Don’t get Remus wrong. He loves his friends, he does! Loves them to the moon and back in fact. They’re his people, his favorite part of everyday, his found family. He’d do anything for them. But the thing is that doesn’t take away from the very simple fact that his friends are fucking ridiculous. Remus knows this, has known it for five years now. But it doesn’t stop him from startling awake on the morning of his sixteenth birthday surprised by the sound of fireworks exploding in their dormitory and a raucous chorus of “Happy birthday Moony!” being shouted into his ear with jaunty gusto.

“You are wicked, wicked wizards,” Remus moans from where he refuses to get up on his bed, covering his face with his hands, a good call on his end considering that the very next moment he feels a cascade of confetti pouring all over him. “The worst of the worst! You deserve to rot in Azkaban!”

“Oh how you flatter us Moonykins,” Sirius croons, pulling him up while James and Peter begin a frankly awful rendition of For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow.

6. Our Destiny in the Stars by orphan_account | non-magical AU - body insecurity issues - trans Sirius - amputee Remus - 11k

Having no luck in the dating field, and insecure about his body, Remus checks out a dating website which offers the users the opportunity to get to know a person before seeing what they look like. It's during this time he meets Sirius, an enthusiastic teacher--and they immediately click. When they agree to meet, Remus sees a photo of Sirius and immediately panics. He's too good looking to ever be interested in someone like Remus. What the tawny-haired man doesn't know, is Sirius has already checked him out online and has fallen head over heels for the adorable editor.

Drarry (Harry Potter)

7. Old Magic (series) by @mystickitten42 | Drarry runs away together pree-HBP - very realistic getting-together - Narcissa is the GOAT - poor Sirius stuck in the middle - 2+ parts

Harry is undeniably numb. Still reeling from the sudden death of his godfather, he’s back at the Dursleys and everything seems hopeless. One day bleeds into the next. But, as they say, nature abhors a vacuum…

Draco is unimpressed. The Dark Lord and his infernal giant snake have taken over Malfoy Manor and he’s confined to his rooms. He feels like a prisoner and it’s just not right. He’s a Malfoy. Itching for confrontation he decides to go visit Harry Potter.

Things don’t go according to plan.

8. The Importance of Being Draco Malfoy (series) by @upon-poppyhills | this is just great, I love that without memories Draco is without prejudice - Harry goes from suspicious to denial to crushing - brief but wonderful Draco/Justin Finch-Fletchley - I can't wait for everyone to find out about Draco's head - 3+ parts

The answer to the age-old question, "What if instead of a scratch on the arm, Buckbeak had stomped on Draco's head instead and caused tragic memory loss?"

It was a truth universally acknowledged that the path to reforming a Slytherin prince never did run smooth.

9. Dear Cousin, Love Regulus by @xx-thedarklord-xx, @llap115 | I confused this with another fic so I never read it until now and it's THE BEST - Drarry talk like dark academia boys sometimes - I'm so glad Draco had Regulus T.T - when he meets the Regulus portrait!! *screams* - 86k

As the sole Malfoy heir, Draco understood that his path was set long before his birth; who to be, how to act and what his choices should be. What he had not counted on was the power of outside influences. Letters from his deceased cousin caused him to realize that he did have choices, starting with the choice to be someone else, to be who he wanted to be. The road to self-discovery was difficult and navigating that path in the shadow of Harry Potter was its own challenge but maybe, just maybe, his friends would help him along the way. And he would owe it all to Regulus Black.

10. bury the dead where they're found by @rocketdocket | THIS FIC is the ultimate found family fic - sometimes people prefer the closet and that's awesome! - PTSD and suicidal thoughts - queer people are just better than the straights, sorry not sorry - 52k

The war is over. Or at least, that's how it feels for everyone else. But not for Harry. He can't escape the memories and the nightmares of the war, or his guilt about those who died for him. While all he wants is to be alone, finding a family in the most unlikely of places may be just what he needs.

Sterek (Teen Wolf)

11. A Californian Werewolf in New York by @dancinbutterfly, knight_changes | I love that Oz from Buffy is just there - friends to lovers - bottom Derek - misunderstandings - 16k

When Derek finally realizes that there's nothing left for him in Beacon Hills, he goes back to New York, gets a life, falls in love and finds his home.

12. (they say) this should feel something like fire by dallisons | mental and physical trauma - Boyd & Stiles friendship - dream!Erica - rebuilding - 11k

"Turn it off." The pack looked up, stunned into silence by the first words they'd heard from him in weeks.

Stiles stood, trembling - his knees weak. He tried to run and collapsed, his bad leg failing him once again. Derek caught him. "Turn it off," he said, his voice unmistakably a growl.

The water continued leaking from the loose faucet, and all Stiles heard was Erica's blood against the concrete. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. Drip.

[01298283]

A flashback,a living memory

Screams silenced by an abuse

I have a lot of flashbacks,mainly because of legal issues regarding the abuser,these legal processes should have ended a long time ago,but he tries in every way to create situations (problems) so that it takes twice as long as normal and maintain a bond,that it is a form of torture that gives him pleasure.

This week I'm going to see my psychiatrist and ask him if there's any other medication that might help me with this mental torment that keeps me from sleep, so I'm going to report to him the specific flashback that's causing it. This memory was dormant for a while,but due to the abuser's persecution she decided to return,the brain "freezes" some trauma memories works as a defense and survival system,but when these memories come back they can destroy you.

It was one afternoon,he immobilized me on the living room floor and started to hang me,and I could barely breathe or scream and while he was doing that he was praying to the Christian God,asking his God for forgiveness and telling me that it would be okay to he kill me for my soul would go to heaven.

Away from my family,scared,extremely thin and sick physically and psychologically,I saw myself with no way out and felt suffocated. And I wondered how I'm going to get out of here,penniless,sick and how am I going to prove that I was abused and assaulted if I didn't film most of the abuse and he used my mental sequelae to manipulate me and make himself a "victim". For him this was all normal and I deserved it, so he acted like nothing had happened and on Sundays there he was praying to God in a church,I told his mother and his sister about the abuses but it was in vain, according to them I didn't pray enough and should be submissive,keep silent because a biblical woman doesn't confront her men.

These days these people go to church,post bible verses on their social media,try to maintain a perfect and pure reputation, evangelize and live as if they have done nothing wrong and are innocent. But I don't,I spend sleepless nights and live on medicine so I don't hear his screams in my mind saying he hated me,that he was going to kill me,insults,the pain I feel where my bones were broken and damages my whole diction.

They faithfully believe that they are good people and deceive a multitude of idiots around the world and that they will inhabit the magical paradise of Christians. They say my present suffering is the fault of my sins and I will burn in hell. If hell really exists as they say,I wish that every one of them would rot there one day and be abused every day by satan as they did me,that his screams for help be silenced, just as they silenced my screams.

It's very easy for them to go to church and pray,hide the blood on their hands and use God and appearance as a hiding place. But each of them confess everything they did to me and the situation they left me in none of them has the courage to say,in their perception the fact that they are Christians cancels the responsibility for their mistakes and crimes.

Every punch I took in my face I was forced to hear,PRAY,PRAY,PRAY IT'S YOUR FAULT. I spent years asking for forgiveness for things that weren't my fault but they never asked me for forgiveness for anything, his family always hiding what he really is and did.

That man hated everything about me, everything...My voice,my appearance,my illness,the fact that I didn't accept his double life,he used me until there was nothing left inside me and he always, always and always interpreted his behavior as normal. He managed to destroy something I dreamed of since my childhood,build a family nowadays I don't dream,I survive.

[moonlayl]

One of the most wildest takes i’ve ever come across after joining fandom, was that the loved ones of a problematic fav are actually the ‘bad guys’ or the ones in the wrong for having ‘negative’ reactions to the crimes committed by the fav. 

Fans’ ability to do insane mental gymnastics to make out the villainous characters into the only possible victims and every other character is suddenly the bad guy, is awful, and so frustrating. (And this is coming from someone who DOES love villains/antagonists/characters who end up doing awful things)

Let’s look at the Umbrella Academy for example. Vanya, literally slits her sister’s throat after losing control of her powers, and then leaves her for dead. She doesn’t call an ambulance or call for any type of help. Just...leaves her there to die. If it weren’t for the brothers who happened to be searching for them, Allison would’ve died. And, the brothers find out that Vanya’s out of control powers, that almost killed Allison, and actually ended up hurting other people, will be the reason the whole fucking world is destroyed within DAYS. I’m not saying Luthor was necessarily RIGHT, to lock up Vanya, but also the amount of hatred this character got for doing so, even though it was a pretty logical action to take, was baffling. From what Luthor knew, Vanya was going to kill everyone in like a day. From the information he had, locking her in that vault would make her unable to use her powers. That’s what they thought. He had a pretty normal reaction given the circumstances. Let’s see,  lock up Vanya, who almost killed Allison, is supposed to destroy the world, and might accidentally kill us all, in a vault where she can’t use her powers, or risk everyone, including 7 billion people, dying. I GET that Vanya didn’t have bad intentions. I GET, that her horrible childhood played a huge part in how things turned out, and that her inability to control her abilities aren’t her fault. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s completely shitty to expect people she hurt to just roll with it and be loving angels. Like, was Luthor supposed to go “hey, Allison’s in there, dying, and she likely won’t be able to speak for a long time, and you left her for dead, also you might destroy the whole world tomorrow, but that’s okay because i love you and i’m here for you”???? How is THAT realistic? Yeah, him not locking her up probably wouldn’t have caused her to lose further control, but he had no way of knowing, and it’s really unfair to expect people who were hurt to easily forgive and accept the person responsible for that hurt. Are some people capable of putting that aside, and comforting those who hurt them? Yes, definitely. But it’s unfair to expect it of them, and being reasonably upset/angry isn’t some sort of moral failing. 

Another popular example is ROTS. Anakin (who is one of my fav characters) LITERALLY helped slaughter all the Jedi, and stood by as order 66 was executed. He joined the Sith, and he murdered INNOCENT children, dude strangled his own pregnant wife, but yeah sure, Obi-Wan leaving him burning after giving Anakin multiple warnings to stop fighting is the bad guy. Obi-Wan, who lost EVERYTHING in the span of a few hours, his home, his family, and was betrayed by the closest person to him, is the bad guy for not helping Anakin in the end. It’s “Screw Obi-Wan for adding more pain to poor Anakin’s life”. That’s the tragedy, right? Instead of you know “Anakin lost everything he tried so desperately to save because of his own choices, without realizing it before it was too late”. Like, I’m not saying Anakin is an awful character that shouldn’t be liked. I get that shit happens to people to make them hurt others. But it’s ridiculous to blame every single person in the world and not the person who made the ultimate mistakes. Did Obi-Wan and the jedi contribute to Anakin’s fall in the end? Yes, but without realizing it, and it was never their intention. They couldn’t have known. And Anakin made his own choice in the end. 

Also, let’s look at SPN. Jack, destined to destroy the whole world, accidentally kills many innocent people, and kills Mary, but Dean wanting to lock him up where he can’t hurt anyone, and not willing to call him family after Jack killed his mom, is suddenly the bad, abusive guy??? Even after being told by Chuck, someone they thought was good, that Jack needed to be die for the world to be safe, Dean is still the bad guy for wanting to do what’s safest for everyone, and wanting to avenge his mom since apparently know one else sees her as a victim of Jack? And it’s worse, because the fandom actually blames Mary for being killed. 

A fourth example. In Agents of Shield, Fitz knocks out Daisy, restrains her, and then literally cuts into her neck to retrieve her powers that she didn’t want. he violates her and continues to work as she screams and begs him to stop. He hurts her and betrays her trust completely. He risks permanently paralysing her from the neck down, AND he also threatens an injured Elena, and programs a robot to shoot Mack, yet Daisy being angry and locking him in a cell, after he literally tortured her and acted like a hydra agent, makes her a hardass unlikable bitch?? Mack, who got shot by a man he considered a friend, telling Fitz he’s fucked up, is the bad guy? Really? Mack and Daisy are the awful ones in that scenario, and not Fitz, the man who hurt them both and traumatized them? And it’s worse, because Fitz’ justification afterwards is “Daisy wouldn’t have agreed”. He didn’t even ask. And he continued to defend his actions, and tried to guilt trip her by bringing up past issues that weren’t actually comparable at all. 

Why are certain characters expected to be all understanding and forgiving, and expected to just accept those who hurt them with no hard feelings, and hated for not doing so? Why aren’t those characters allowed to have human reactions, but when the faves constantly hurt others, suddenly a character’s background and trauma can excuse it??? It’s so frustrating interacting with fandom like that. 

And it’s even worse when the characters that ARE capable of that level of understanding and forgiveness, are treated like the only good characters, even though usually the problematic favs that they forgive do nothing except continue to hurt them and are undeserving of that forgiveness. 

[softer-ua]

With the last Meta you wrote it makes me think of all the "What if Izuku jumped" scenarios that I have read. 'Disaster' would be a small word to describe the situation

It’d be so bad like idk if you read my “If the sludge villain got Deku”, but it’d be worse than that

I’m a firm believer that suicide is never anyone’s fault. People who don’t have suicidal ideations don’t suicide, it’s mental health issue at the end of the day.

That said I’m also a firm believer that we all have a shared responsibility to each other’s wellbeing, mental and physical, and that includes treating each other right and if we fail to do so we share the blame.

Katsuki is a child who has grown up in a world even more calloused and broken than ours, in a family that feeds into his damage. His mom talks down to him and his dad never disagrees, he’s forced to look for outside support in a world that tells him with a quirk like his he shouldn’t need supporting.

The only person who actively tries to care about him is someone Katsuki is told by everything around him is weak and useless, if it’s wrong for him to want support it’s even worse to be supported and cared for by someone like Deku.

The class finds out Deku is quirkless probably around 5, since his mom said most of the class has already begun showing signs.

This is probably the first time a lot of these kids have ever come across the idea of being quirkless and the teacher just tells Deku not to worry about it while all the kids call him names. Cementing what would become a life long trend, it’s okay to treat Deku as less than, justifiable to see him as less than.

Nothing in there world has ever told Katsuki or any of the other kids it’s okay to like Deku or befriend him, if anything it tells them being his bully is the only appropriate way to interact with Deku.

Regardless of that we still see Katsuki continually try to pull Deku into his sphere, he is being a bully but he’s also the only person who talks to Deku even when their little.

More than that, we don’t see katsuki talk or engage with the other kids personally until middle school and even then I’m not convinced he could tell his lackeys apart.

Deku is the only person who’s never been an extra, a pebble on the side of the road maybe but one that caught his eye.

Everything about Deku is goes against the grain; he’s plain and powerless in a world where everyone looks like a mc and he’s kind and helpful to everyone equally in world that’s set on survival of the fittest.

Katsuki has very low level empathy skills, and even lower emotional intelligence. But he can recognize strength when he sees it, and he knows Dekus strong in a way that he isn’t, in a way he hasn’t ever encountered and can’t understand.

He knows it’s something that separates mediocre heros from the greats, and it’s something he has no idea how to match. Its taken him his entire childhood to even begin conceptualizing and All Might still had to spell it out for him.

It’s what Endeavor has always lacked, he can’t match All Might because they’re not even playing the same game. All Might knows this too, and that’s why he tells him that the path he took isn’t for Endeavor, he’ll have to be his own symbol. The drive to save and care about others beyond yourself interest is beyond Endeavors capabilities.

In a way Katsuki is constantly being saved by Deku, he introduced the concept of selflessness to him at a young age and for someone like him thats life changing. Because he’d never be introduced to again until too late in his life to internalize it.

Deku spent their entire childhood proving that something other than physical strength matters, and he’s spending his teen years showing him how to utilize a genuine desire to save others.

If Katsuki had lost this chance, and had acted as a catalyst to that loss I don’t think anything could repair that damage. No one else has ever been able to break down Katsukis walls and shove themselves into his little dehydrated raisin heart.

The lesson Dekus teaching Katsuki wouldn’t just have been incomplete but tainted, he’d forever associate kindness as a weakness that leads to tragedy and I think he’d count it as losing.

He lost Deku and lost to Deku. Because at 14 Deku would have been talking his secret something with him to the grave.

Katsuki never could or would be able to put his finger on what Deku had that he didn’t because the answer staring him in the face was weakness, Deku has the strength to be weak and not break to it. Deku doesn’t lose himself to vulnerability, he’s not afraid to hurt.

Katsuki has never once not completely lost himself to his feelings. Deku swims upstream through his feelings just fine, Katsuki is continually dragged the fuck out to sea by his riptide shitstorm hurricane feelings.

So Katsuki basically loses out on the chance to grow into a caring empathetic functioning human being, which would of course leave anyone calloused, alone, and angry at the world. His emotional maturity basically stops at 14, cause he’s obviously never getting therapy to process the trauma and it’s awful.

But Katsuki also would lose the only person who’d ever saw something other than just a quirk in him. Deku saw a strong capable hero with the strength to save people, when even Katsuki himself only saw flashiness, power, and the potential for fame.

Deku sees a noble prize where everyone else saw magazine headlines. Deku sees a person worthy of being a symbol, not just a chart topper. Deku also sees someone worth caring about on an emotional level, who’s wellbeing and happiness are worth protecting.

Katsuki would lose more than a moral compass, he’d lose his best friend. And nothing in their world has ever shown me a a single hint that he’d ever be given a chance to process that, he’d probably be belittled if he even showed he cared.

It’d be a festering wound he’d have to pretend wasn’t there until it finally rotted him all the way through. And Katsuki Bakugo only process his feelings one way, and there’s only ever been one person who slows him down

And their gone, and maybe it’s his fault. His mom said so, his dad didn’t disagree, he was dragged in front of Inko to apologize for it. The school put on a little too late awareness campaign, he hears kids whispering. Some say he did them all a favor, others call him a villain.

Everyone suddenly seems to have an opinion on Katsukis behavior, but if they all knew so damn much why didn’t anyone ever intervene.

There’s only one person who always understands what others are thinking, and only one person who can accept Kacchans feelings. And their gone.

Shigaraki’s hatred for everything would have nothing on this, Dabis rage couldn’t touch it, I don’t think even AFO’s desire for conquest could reach this far.

A desperate, permanently wounded, enraged Katsuki Bakugo who only cares about winning by his definition would rip through UA, through hero charts and villains, and start looking for a new opponent

Katsuki Bakugo without character development and given extra trauma is just a villain in waiting.

Katsuki Bakugo canonically acknowledges himself that if Deku dying isn’t any different than dying himself

He almost dies like twice a month. No development with this level of desperation and he had a hand in the tragedy? He’d immediately begin plans for revenge against the whole world no cap.

If he didn’t just Romeo himself that is.