pollylops

[pollylops]

i sit here trying so hard to get the words inside of my head on to here this screen but this is what you get instead. its like my deepest thoughts are so layered in there i cant audibly articulate them or even written like here.. my chest hurts. my chest like actually hurts so bad. i have no friends that understand my mental health even the ones that i have known the longest. and on top of that they are all struggling really badly and taking it out on me even though i forgive them automatically because i see how its their nervous sytem. we are all just trying to survive. i dont want to be someones punching bag anymore. i did it for years. all my friends even my father told me to ditch you. but i just couldnt. i didnt know i was autistic but when i did realize it changed a LOT for me. i stopped accepting abuse as love. i grew up with that colonized love and its not in the friendships im looking for as i get older. people need not be scared of decolonizing their minds and hearts it will only make you understand humanity and your existence all the more.

[pollylops]

sometimes i literally forget we are living in a futuristic horror show and im all "why am i SOo00Oo stressed oWWT" and like.. hello ya dum dum.. this is all bad. lets not forget it .

[pollylops]

not sure how many days it has been since ive posted last. ive been using reddit a little bit which was kinda cool bc my posts were well recieved. having rsd is so stupid.... my whole day can get ruined if someone literally looks at me funny. LIKE WHY IS MY BRAiN SOOOO FKN SCAREDD FORRR... thanks abusive childhood whilst being ND. thanks.

[pollylops]

i just tried to play dnd with my bf and it was a total fail... i am too mentally ill or autistic to play.. i literally feel like i have no idea what is going on ever so i started to make a one shot campaign n i was gonna make it like a two day thing or however long but one part was gonna be like.. building our map and our pieces and making the puzzles n coming up with the theme and the story and possibilities and i was using chat gpt as the DM and then when we started it was like he (my bf) sortof just took over and was commander know it all saying what we can and cant do and then blammo just like we already are role playing i have nothing... i put my character idea into a char img gen just so i could see what it was like n try to connect to it. its like he doesnt understand me or my autism or my personality at times. i feel so sad. i want dnd in my life too but im not at his level 9000 and i get SOOOO intimidated and PDA activated bc he literally knows it all and i feel stupid and its just a game right gaiz am i just a fucking brat i dek .

[pollylops]

ive been making monsters off and on all day for one of my boyfriends dnd campaigns and i have like a zillion ideas for more. and it inspired me to create a actual little fall traveling carnival with a circus tent and a bunch of covered wagons and a freak side show but its all candy and kawaii themed.... and i have like a bajillion more ideas like making a few like actual puzzle boxes and put some cute little prizes in there like a raspberry pi or some other lil chippy nerd prezzie.

[pollylops]

i want to create mini blind bags for my bfs dnd players im gonna get a bunch of glittery dice and mini weapons keychains and pens and lil chibis and fill them up i would love to get something like that!!!

[pollylops]

meal prep week 4 oct 2023

cinnamon sugar maple protein muffins (6)

egg cups w white cheddar bacon and peppers and onions (14)

chocolate chip cookie dough (2 lbs)

yogurt cups w apples and grapes and honey (4)

[pollylops]

i made chicken nuggets and biscuits and honey roasted carrots for dinner last night

[pollylops]

[pollylops]

NGC 4038 and NGC 4039

[pollylops]

[pollylops]

i love this so much hk givin major hey arnold vibes but also lock and the cyclops eye. my favorite trick or treater ever.

[pollylops]

getting old in this day and age is so hard. like... across the intersections. but one aspect that really sucks is being bullied online by younger people. i would like to think anyone bullying someone over gray hair and wrinkles would just as soon bully someone for the color of their skin and i could just write that person off entirely for being a hateful fuck and not givin a rats ass about their opinion but is that really the case most likely... idk. ageism is so freakin weird. i mean i am literally so guilty of it when i was younger i think... maybe i not as bad as i remember but i know i definitely thought a certain age of old people was just flat out gross. my brain is such a garbage pit i wish i had some more intellectual thoughts but this is all i got.

[pollylops]

Pedro Saguas, Imminence // Camille Rankine, Emergency Management // Mary Oliver, Entering the Kingdom // Dorianne Laux, What We Carry

[pollylops]

[pollylops]

so little bits of my dream from last night is coming back to me. i definitely dreamed about israel and palestine. dreams are so funny to me bc sometimes im fully aware im dreaming while im dreaming and somethings will make me laugh or be like dang and during my dream i kept on remembering so much information about the war and this whole issue that i did not have access to while i was awake.. like in my dream i was remembering all the capitol city names and where they are and like idk stuff that now that im awake is hard to access if that makes sense. is this even real? is this even possible. i need a fucking shrink so bad. the trauma from 20 plus years of no mental health care is absolutely bonkers to me.

[pollylops]

being poor is the worst. i havent gotten a new set of clothes in over 20 years. ive gotten new items here and there but like when i was little my dad would buy me a load of new clothes at the end of every summer before school started. i love him so much. i know that my life is more than just some ableist peoples accident. but its hard. to hold the giant space that all of this stuff spans across. my mother is dead too now and theres nothing i can do about it.