#like it’s really important for me to feel attractive

[upon-sunflower-trails]

it cries a soft weep like mine

nam-gyu x reader | oneshot | 1965 words

songfic, i guess? based on eric by mitski. if i'm being honest, this fic was really cathartic for me to write.

warnings: nsfw. pretty fucking toxic relationship, nothing physically or sexually abusive, but it's really toxic. fairly graphic depictions of sex. emotional abuse. manipulation. dacryphilia.

You like control, well, I do too

Take off my clothes and watch me move

You can come closer, I'll let you hurt me

How you choose

It had been a little over six months since you decided to pursue a relationship with Nam-gyu. You'd met him through a mutual friend, where the attraction was almost instantaneous.

That's all it seemed to be. Purely physical attraction. You knew you wanted more, to have a relationship that was full of genuine intimacy. You wanted the sort of love that led to late night conversations in bed, with your hands threaded in his hair as you both looked up at the ceiling, gentle smiles on your faces.

Nam-gyu was not that kind of lover. It was all about how far he could take things without you pushing back. He used you for sex and not much else— it's not like he was ever home. You couldn't tell if you preferred the crippling solitude that settled in your gut when he was out doing god-knows-what during the day, or if you wanted to cling to him despite the ways he made it clear you were of no importance to him.

In the beginning, you pushed back. You two would constantly argue over the smallest of things. He wanted to be his own person, even if it meant disrespecting his relationship with you. You still had enough strength to stand your ground, to yell back as he slammed his fist against the counter. 

You still remembered the first time you had come home to him in bed with someone else, as they scurried out of the door as Nam-gyu laid still in bed with a smirk on his face, disregarding the angry tears streaming down your face as you shouted at him like a rabid dog barking at its owner. 

You wanted to leave then, but he convinced you to stay the same way he always did. Pleading with you, pretending he cared in that moment— promising he would change, that he had a moment of weakness. Things had been so difficult for him, he wasn't in the right state of mind. And then he'd have you bare in front of him, knowing he would be able to reel you back in any time.

Help me with the zipper on my skirt, it's stuck

As you kneel, I'll be watching you fix me

This view of you, of the top of your head

Makes me forgive you

After a few months, even your mutual friends could tell things weren't right between you and your boyfriend. You had become more withdrawn and careful with your words. You refused to drink, knowing it would lead to you breaking down and spilling your guts to anyone in proximity to you. 

Nam-gyu paraded you around as if you were an exotic pet on a leash. He would shut you up if you even dared to speak in front of the people who were no longer your friends, but his. He convinced you that their worried glances were instead glares of disgust, that everyone knew how mean you were to him behind closed doors. You believed him; how could you yell at him when he had been trying so hard to get better?

At one get-together, the same person you had caught him sleeping with was there. Even in your wounded state, it festered— festered until you could feel every rational part of you become infected with blind rage. You snapped as he placed an arm on theirs after ignoring you all night, even though to anyone who was watching it was obvious he was simply helping to steady them after they had fallen.

You were made to be the fool. Onlookers saw you as insecure, jealous, crazy. Nam-gyu played the part of the hurt boyfriend who couldn't believe the accusations you were throwing at him. Everyone believed him, because why would they trust you? You had been acting strange and distant for months now.

That night, Nam-gyu hadn't berated you. He simply helped you undress, murmuring that he would make it up to you.

"Don't know why you always make me out to be the bad guy, baby." "I was just tryin' to help them. Didn't you see them fall?" "We already talked about this, why do you keep bringing it up?" "Am I not allowed to have friends now? I'll just stop talking to them, if that's what you want. In fact, I'll stop going out entirely."

He said it all as he helped you out of the shoes that were blistering your feet, unzipping the skirt you had been fiddling with all night. He looked up at you through his lashes, eyes glistening as he did his best to seem hurt by your accusations. Fat tears rolled down his cheeks as he jutted out his bottom lip, wailing that the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you.

So you let him back in again. You turned a blind eye yet again to all the trouble he had caused you, because at least he was a good fuck for the night.

But how long, how long can we play this way?

I'm tired, I'm tired of not loving you

My heart, my heart wants to hold you

But I know, I know, I know the rules

Six months in, you knew you held nothing but an odd mix of sorrow and contempt for Nam-gyu. You tried to rationalize it, that this was what love was really supposed to feel like. 

The only physical intimacy he engaged in with you was sex. It was never gentle, or soft, or tender; it was bordering on violent and possessive, despite you not truly belonging to him. And as soon as he had spilt himself into you, he would turn away and not allow you to hold or touch him. He claimed he never saw the point of cuddling or any sort of aftercare.

You knew he heard the sobs that racked your body every night. As you clutched the comforter close to your bare chest, pillow wet as the thick seed between your legs served as a constant reminder of what you were putting yourself through.

Some nights, you would reach out as he was sleeping, desperate to brush the stray hairs from his face. He truly looked peaceful like this, his resting state making you forget how cruel he could be. Every time you outstretched your limbs, craving any sort of loving embrace, you retracted at the last minute. You knew to roll back over and force your eyes shut, praying that perhaps this was all just a bad dream you were going to wake up from. That you were in such a happy relationship in real life, you were forced to have constant nightmares of what a terrible relationship would look like.

And every morning, as harsh sunlight beat in through the blinds on your face, you were reminded that this was your reality. That you would turn over, and Nam-gyu would be gone— not in the way that he had never existed, as the divet in the mattress suggested, but that he left without bidding you farewell as any good lover should.

You knew you weren't in love with him. How could you be? You despised him, deep down, even if you never admitted it to yourself. But you had promised yourself to him at some point down the line, and he hadn't dumped you on the side of the road yet.

So, for now, you stayed.

Blue light, dark room, the white of your teeth

As you smile at my trembling shoulders

But your skin, did you notice your skin?

It cries a soft weep like mine

You always tended to cry during sex with Nam-gyu. Perhaps he had just gotten used to it, or he had twisted in his mind that they were tears of pleasure. Either way, it didn't matter.

You enjoyed the release, yes, you only stayed with him for the pleasure. Well, that was what you told yourself. 

You wept as he thrust into you, because it was the only time the relationship felt real. His presence was overpowering, as the stench of his cologne settled into your nostrils while the cold sensation of his rings against your sides were the only thing keeping your mind tethered to reality.

He would growl into your shoulder as he bit and nipped at you, leaving marks that you never hesitated to cover (since they were a reminder that you were with him). His teeth shone in the low light of your "shared" bedroom, amusement coming out as a hiss as you cried out his name, a mix of pleasure and despair at your current situation.

Insults and degradation would be hurled your way under the guise of him "getting too into the moment." You always tried to ignore when he would moan out someone else's name. It only made you cry harder, and that only made him rougher. You guessed that your sobs spurred him on, that in some twisted sort of way seeing you in such a broken state aided his arousal. You never wanted to think too much into it, lest you begin to bawl even more.

Every once in a while, on extremely rare occasion, he would let a tear slip as well. Maybe it was a sign he was still human, too. That deep down, he felt sorry for what he had put you through. He was always quick to hide it as soon as it happened, and just like that he would go back to the same Nam-gyu he always was.

Those nights, you would always hear sniffling and muffled sobs beside you as you wiped your silent tears away.

I'll sell, I'll sell my whole to you

What's my, what's my, what's my price?

How about, how about just a part of you?

You were too deep in to leave when Nam-gyu finally began investing your money in things as well. He had lost everything already, and now needed your financial aid to pick him up off the ground. You wanted to be the perfect partner to him, to support him in his time of need. You tried to find any positive you could about him as you got deeper and deeper into the relationship, making decisions that would only solidify your inability to leave him.

You had lost everything alongside him, drowning in debt as he made even more irresponsible decisions with your money. You couldn't even stick up for yourself, let alone get out of the situation entirely. You were stuck, practically entrapped with a barbed-wire engagement ring digging into your finger. You laughed at the idea, but realized the metaphor didn't seem so far-fetched.

You weren't sure what it was that you did that finally pushed Nam-gyu over the edge. He abandoned you without a word, one day muttering something about making up his debts and the next day vanishing into thin air. You weren't sure if he'd ever return. Deep down, you knew you didn't want him to. But as it stood, you were crushed. Lost and hopeless without him, simply going through the motions everyday with no solace in pretending he loved you at night while being shoved against the headboard.

In some strange way, you missed him. It wasn't as though he completed you, but you had become so wrapped up in a life not with him, but of him, that you weren't sure how to exist outside of being Nam-gyu's. 

You weren't sure how to survive without the assurance of him being in your life.

'Cause I want, I want, I want, I want

I want, I want, I want, I want, I want.

[merakiui]

I feel like Floyd would enjoy having a van and travelling around twisted wonderland

probably with a few actual buildings to live in for awhile if he ever gets “sick of that cramped space”

he just seems like a guy who would proudly show u his van and all his neat stuff he picked up while travelling and when u look intrested or amazed

“eh you think this is neat shrimpy? Maybe u should join me then~ the bed can fit twoooo hahaha”

cut to smexy time in van where it is clearly rocking from the SINFUL activity going on inside along with lots of moans and groans and cheeky laughter from a cheeky eel :3c

FLOYD VAN LIFE YESSSSS!!!!! He so would… omg he absolutely would live in a van and travel around,,, seeing new sights, gathering trinkets and fun experiences as he goes, etc!! I can vividly picture him driving one of those hippie vans that’s decorated in bright colors and patterns. Like the vintage VW microbus!!! And maybe he’s a traveling musician because he needs to make money to afford living on the road and everything else that comes with this lifestyle!!! Ruggedly attractive, annoyingly flirtatious solo musician Floyd who never seems to settle in one place for long and is always on the go……. I need him. He oozes sex appeal and just an overall good time. Friendly vibes. >w< but of course there’s something so Casanova about him….. it isn’t his intention to leave a trail of broken hearts from city to city, but he is so not ready to settle down right now. Not when there’s still so much to see and do!! OTL if he knocks you up on the road… well!!!! Plans change! He lives for this spontaneity.

Fucking in the van as well…… omg pray that Floyd parked somewhere away from a busy lot, or else anyone within proximity to the van is going to hear nothing but the salacious sounds of sex!!! Oooo he is so cheeky, giggling at you when you try to keep your voice down…… it’s no fun if you’re trying to muffle yourself. :< let him hear you~ but is any of that really important right now when he’s rearranging your guts and taking you to heaven, when you’re so focused on clawing his back, when all you can think of is him in this perfect space. So maybe you forget all about being quiet and slip into shameless enjoyment.

Those windows and doors are going to be WIDE OPEN in the aftermath to ventilate the van after certain activities. :) but that just means he gets to bring out his portable grill and make Shrimpy and him a delicious meal. <3 and since he’s in such a good mood, he’ll break out his guitar and play until the sun’s set and the moon’s hanging high in the sky.

You started out as a fling, but now he wouldn’t mind it if you accompanied him on his travels. No matter where he goes or however many people he charms, you’ll always be his number one. (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)❤︎

[fromfaewithlove]

“You don’t need to workout so much, you don’t need to fast so much…you already look great!!”

Yes I look great not by happenstance but because I have a disciplined practice??? What is not clicking????

[knifearo]

reminder to everyone that trauma IS a valid reason to use aspec labels. "i don't know if i'm aspec or just traumatized—" protip!!! you can be both!!!! the thing about labels is that they're not immutable states of being that you're born as. they're literally just words that we use to describe our lived experiences, and if asexual or aromantic or any related label feel relevant to the way that you experience attraction, whether it's a result of trauma or not, they're there for you to use. having trauma as a cause does not invalidate the fact that someone is experiencing lesser or no attraction. that's still the aspec experience babey. use the label if you want it's there for you <3

[weirdmageddon]

how do people even find partners. i dont want a bullshit answer, like really

[every-sanji]

so the most recent post from you reminded me- you're not a zosan fan (neither am I tbh) so what DO you support for sanji (in terms of ships or HCs)

I had to sit on this for a bit since I got home but I do have a few ride or dies so we can start there.

SanUso numero um campeao del mundo!! I love love love sanuso so much.... they have a number of really good scenes together and I'm so tired or I'd try and pull them up but off the top of my head in Water 7 when Sanji worries about if Usopp will come back, and earlier in the arc with Enies Lobby calling Usopp their sniper and getting very excited to see him back...

If Oda wasn't a coward post ts or at least post wci Sanji would be fat. Fatness and weight gain as healing is so important and thematically fits for Sanji as a character especially with all of his backstory but alas.

In terms of gender/sexuality I'm pretty fluid on what I headcanon for him. As long as it makes sense for the scenario I don't care all that much. I know bisexual is really common as a hc for him which is great! I also see him as tentatively genderfluid but I don't think he really knows how to articulate it. Probably with weird food and cooking metaphors.

And the last thing I'm going to say because I'm me and its impossible for me to talk about anything without mentioning Enstars but I think he and Niki share similar worldviews when it comes to food, especially when it comes to feeding the needy, what with Sanji giving Gin the food in Baratie despite being enemies and Niki taking in a strange teenage Rinne he found on the street because he looked hungry and both Gin and Rinne feel indebted to their chefs and saviors. I would love to see a One Piece and Ensemble Stars collab with them specifically someday and not just because they're my favorites from each franchise....

[sysig]

Having fun, more and more! (Patreon)

[monachopism]

am i autistic or am i just paranoid. level: impossible

[that-was-anticlimactic]

the lack of respect for the httyd books pisses me off ugh

[usercelestial]

okay i get it but i also think its important to acknowledge that there is a difference between knowing from an audience standpoint that a character should be queer VS it firmly being acknowledged verbally within the narrative as a solid aspect of that character's identity irrefutably

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

ur account just made me find out im asexual 🥲🥲 thank you ❤️

ANONNNNNNNNNN I’M PICKING YOU UP AND SPINNING YOU AROUND!!!!!!!!! i’m so glad i could help in any way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s very much a . wide spectrum lmao so don’t feel pressured to push yourself into one single category, you have all the time in the world to figure it out!!!! 🥹🥹 me and gojo (resident ace (i know and perceive the truth)) are giving you a big big hug <33 we love you!!!!!

[arthallea]

i cannot believe i am talking about life is strange again in the year 2024 but i am sorry to be such a hater here but i cannot appreciate the max redesign for double exposure. the removal of the bangs i can forgive, she's older now. i'd miss them, but sure. there is no excuse for them removing her freckles and changing her brown eyes to blue/green??? like???? i am upset about that, they really just turned her conventionally attractive and i am not okay with it!! max caulfield, of all characters, did not need to be god damn yassified 😭

[forcedhesitation]

it’s completely bananas to me that halsin's sex scene features a moment where he somehow loses control of his druidic powers and wildshapes into a bear, because he’s apparently that horny. like...gale had to be infected with a mindflayer tadpole for him to make mistakes in his spellcasting, even though he already carried a small nuclear bomb of evil, weave-consuming magic in his chest. what THE fuck is halsin’s excuse? like, as funny as it is for an archdruid to be so overcome with lust upon seeing a tdick that he loses his grip on his abilities, it makes absolutely no sense! what do you mean that this guy has enough power to open a portal to the shadowfell, and rescue a little fey boy from it, but he can't control his wildshaping because "bear horny?" HUH?

[omarwolaeth]

It's such a tiny innocuous thing that really doesn't matter, but I feel like calling duel monsters a children's card game (when it's fundamentally baked into everyday life, and your social existence is judged by what you play and how you play it so very intensely, for everyone in-universe) is an absolute injustice to what it is for that universe of people.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

the thing about me is that having a crush is fun for the first little while and then I just slowly become more and more overcome with insecurity about it

[jackass-jones]

Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of