#like i would not have been able to control myself??
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not to be dramatic but if i were andrew i would have "thank you, you were amazing" tattooed on me where neil could find it
#aftg#andriel#all for the game#andrew minyard#neil josten#so insane for them#also “not if it means losing you”#!!!#and “i am nothing and you said you want nothing”#for a man who doesn't swing neil sure knows how to make other people swing#FOR HIM#like i would not have been able to control myself??#the AMOUNT of self restraint andrew has#is insane
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Colin looked away during sex to look at the mirror
Colin looked away during sex to check they were alone
WRONG
Colin looked away from Penelope during sex because if he watched her face for even a second, he would have cum on the spot.
#I too would have not been able to control myself if Penelope looked like THAT because of me#Bridgerton#polin#penelope featherington#penelope bridgerton#colin bridgerton
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Hey y'all, weird question time again! Is there anyway to word "I appreciate how unintimidating and unthreatening you are being" as a compliment that does not sound at all like an insult? One of my doctors is the absolute best at it, and I genuinely think it must be a skill he's deliberately cultivated, but I cannot figure out how to word it in a way that doesn't sound slightly insulting. Like, it's a good thing! A very good thing, especially in a doctor! But I cannot figure out how to word it in a way that conveys that
#the person behind the yarn#tj asks weird questions#I have PTSD. It's mostly under control for me and not usually an issue anymore#but I do have a few PTSD triggers I have been unable to get rid of that do occasionally cause problems at doctors visits#primarily that people touching my throat makes me very very tense#I have gotten better! I no longer automatically forcefully remove the hand from touching me#and I can make myself sit still and let doctors check my neck when needed#but I haaaate it and am very very tense the whole time#except with this doc. he is so unthreatening that the very first time I saw him he was able to check my neck without me tensing at all#and I didn't even register it as weird until I'd left his office#(most of the time they are checking for thyroid issues I think? or lymph nodes)#anyway I too have put effort into being able to be nonthreatening and unintimidating#because I used to work with toddlers and I didn't want them to ever hesitate to come to me for help#but all that seems very weird to say to a dude that I have thus far been unable to even ask where he buys his flannel shirts#because dang he has cool flannel shirts. the color combos are unlikely and I would like to buy them as well#but every time I try to word that question I am also like...yeah no that's a weird way to say it I will just not ask#it does not help that the stress of doctor visits tends to mean my word issues flare up lol
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okay but who else ripped up their “bad” drawings as a child? genuinely curious
#actually adhd#actually autism#actually autistic#actually ocd#these are kind of#self diagnosis#but like cmon hdhdhdhd#i would get sooooo frustrated with my art. like i believed so deeply it had to be perfect that i’d tear my art to shreds :(#i wish i could have been there for me as a kid. now that i understand how i would have talked to myself.#but like… i guess that is what it is :ppp#i ripped my art up until i was like… 13??#and even then i would continue to crumple my art. almost uncontrollably. until i was like?? 18?#that’s when i really was able to self soothe and bring myself down#i feel… more in control than i ever have in my life#but i know that i’ve barely even started breaking these habits. these negative self thoughts.#i wish my childhood art was still around. but i lost it all anyway when i was kicked out. so this was always how it was meant to be ig#anyway. ily 🤟. have a good day.
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if you're walking at 5mph, but your feet are on sideways, and the sky turns green at 2:53, and Keanu Reeves has been sent to Neptune, what's your favorite video game
i cant walk 5mph in the first place, im only 5'4 and i have to walk like marvin the fucking martian everywhere i go
if my feet were on sideways i would still manage to get my shoes on wrong because i cant tell my left from my right
if the sky turns green that means every single car on the road is allowed to go at the same time
keanu reeves cant be sent to neptune with an expired passport
my favorite videogame MIGHT be professor layton and the diabolical box just because ive never been able to get over the ending, but mario galaxy and deltarune also come to mind
#this was very fun to answer thank u :o) ive always loved multiple choice questions#maybe if i had more multiple choice in my life id be able to get things done faster just closing my eyes and hoping for the best#its amazing that i dont own a magic eight ball. it would do wonders for my natural indecision and superstition#also to be fair ive only played the first two layton games even though i have the 3rd and 4th games on my cracked cartridge#BUT thats because my copy of unwound future is ass and it freezes on the opening cutscene so i cant even play it. sigh#maybe i should consider getting the mobile remastered versions but im lazy and i dont even know if i have enough storage space#there should be enough space on my ipad though so maybe. or ill back up some files to make room idk#i would have also answered undertale bc i had a huge undertale phase when it came out but im gonna be honest. ive never actually played it#im actually wondering if i should buy a copy for myself for xmas using grays steam account#the only thing im worried about is my motor skills are bad with keyboard and im dreading the asgore fight bc i heard its hard#but ive also never watched a full playthru so i feel like id be going into the game blind which sounds exciting. and ill prbably cry a lot#besides that ive been replaying mario galaxy with gray and i forgot how good the game is.. i love the ambience and game mechanics#although the races are so nerve wracking and i hate the controls sometimes. did u know i died on loopdeloop galaxy TWELVE FUCKING TIMES#also deltarune because i love EVERYTHING abt it i love the lore i love SUSIE i love the whole thing kris has going on#yapping#ask
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Had some really weird dreams that to anyone else would probably be classified as nightmares last night and I just remembered them in this moment and my body had an instant momentary feeling of being like "😖"
Idk how to even describe it, my body just kind of went like "that was fucked up wasn't it?" While my brain was kinda like "um yeah I guess"
#ignore me#personal#idk how to describe these dreams to you#it was like alien invasion/zombie movie type stuff#and im a semi lucid dreamer where like i know im dreaming and can control some of the stuff but not all of it#and so i was able to control things to keep myself alive when in reality i would not have been able to at all#but they were also vivid and colorful and it was really cool and if it also wasnt stressful and terrifying as hell#i would have very much enjoyed it 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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wait no sorry one last quick immature bitch moment
the more I find out about how this person has behaved in both this relationship and a bunch of other relationships, the funnier it is how much they like to set themselves up as a like. authority on ethical nonmonogamy and consent and conflict management.
when like. they constantly sexually assault people to prove a point, pressure their partners into shit, got into enm by cheating on 3 people concurrently, and literally every time a problem in their orbit is brought up it gets explained away without anything actually changing, or they cry about how hard it is until everyone says OH NO IT'S FINE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
you know. very "call yourself a Community Organizer even though you're not on speaking terms with your roommates" energies.
#red said#I'm mad tbh i know in being bitchy but this blog is my safe space to be bitch on#and this shit has been building up for years. not even just in my relationship with their partner. since the first time i meet them#in like 2018#and having this chat with my pal last night now I'm no longer second guessing myself bc of my relationship has uhhh Crystalised Some Things#especially getting some new context on where a lot of the tensions and sensitivities I've been aware of for ages are from#also tbh when we broke up my ex led off with 'i know you think this is about [partner] but it's not' and i was like. it is though.#it's not the only thing but it's been a common thread through every piece of tension in that relationship#not saying if the partner wasn't there we'd have been together forever. i don't think that's true and I'm glad things went the way they did.#cause w were good for each other and breaking up was also good for us#but their partner has really caused me so so so so so much turmoil for years and i haven't felt able to acknowledge that cause it makes me#feel like an asshole. but like. OK SO I'M AN ASSHOLE. I'M FUCKING MAD AT THEM.#they are manipulative and controlling and they treat their partner like shit and they have perpetually made my life worse#i like a lot of things about them and i do feel for them. we share a lot of similar issues and i do understand how they feel a lot.#but fuck me they treat everyone around them so badly and a good chunk of the reason i ended things with their partner#is that i was so fucking sick of being told i was wrong and just didn't understand how hard they had it whenever i brought up#one of the many many many shitty things they did to me or to our partner or to our friends.#multiple times i left a situation in a fully fucked up mess and my partner came to apologise for how their partner has behaved#and within minutes it would turn into them explaining to me how it wasn't really their fault and i shouldn't be so hard on them#and like fuck that. had enough of that in my life with my previous ex.#anyway. yeah. i am probably being more didactic and aggro here than i genuinely feel. but there's some room for that anger i think#and i did get some room for it to breathe last night and that's good and helpful.
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Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)
It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.
I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.
It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great
#I know I sound like I'm a being sponsored by this app but it's genuinely been incredible for my mental health#whenever I get frustrated in therapy now about not being able to describe a feeling my therapist asks me to think about the chart#he'll ask me what color I feel and go 'good! do you want to narrow it down from there or continue with just that?' and it's so helpful#I have such terrible alexithymia from both cptsd and autism#it took a year of working with him to even recognize when I felt angry or hungry or sick#my friends and I check in on each other regularly now but it feels less intrusive#cause it feels like indirectly reaching out so it's less pressure to directly respond#and it might not feel the same for everyone since it could be jarring to get a notification saying friend feels miserable#but now that I've gotten used to it I don't feel like I need to solve their problems and make them feel better#Like they might be miserable because they're sick! So I check in and they say they're sick but okay and I don't feel the impulse to solve#like I would if I just didn't see them then saw them in person and saw they looked miserable#I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't#control but I can certainly help them if they want! It's their choice tho and I don't feel bad if they don't/I can't#I feel less need to control my emotions/force them to be positive like I used to cause nobody feels positive 24/7 and I can see it#I don't feel the need to be politely content like I did in church because no one can be 24/7. I've attempted to get my family to start but#they're still stuck in needing to not be openly negative. It also helps me accept that negative feelings don't last forever#Someone feeling miserable because they're sick eventually puts they feel tired. Then chill and I know they feel better and I feel better too#Anyways thanks for listening to me ramble about my silly little feelings wheel app I hope it helps you like it helped me anon <3
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i feel like my mental/behavioral health has gotten to the point where i don’t just need therapy, i need treatment. ykwim
#i feel like i need to monitored and controlled and literally forced to do things for a solid month in order to make ANY progress lmao#*i feel like i need to be#i need CONSEQUENCES but i am SO good at evading consequences#i need to email my professor about my final project because well#i don’t think i can reasonably turn it in on the current due date#but i have known that for a while and i’ve just been hoping that a miracle will happen or something#now i feel like it’s way too late to ask for an extension#and my excuse is like ‘idk i thought maybe a miracle would happen so i didn’t bring it up’#i just didn’t ask for an extension bc even though i knew i would run out of time#a reasonable person would have been able to manage their time better#so instead of being like sorry i was working hard the whole time but i just couldn’t catch up!#i have to be like… oh no i saw the train coming a mile away and i’m tied to the tracks#and now the train is about to hit me. i just hoped i would have untied myself by now#even though i don’t know how to untie the knot and did nothing to learn#so pleeeease professor can i just be tied to the train tracks a little further down
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in the most concrete way yet I feel like I’m getting a handle on what my flaws and weaknesses actually are lol.
#self-absorption poor impulse control an addictive personality#fiercely independent/sensitive/proud past the point of reason#anyway it feels like a real breakthrough honestly#because I’ve always known that there was stuff wrong but only in a dim sense#and this is a slow-gathering clearer picture#because the problem is that flaws don’t feel like flaws at first (so obvious I know)#my impulse can feel like inspiration! a wave of emotion always feels good! I have a rich internal life there’s a lot to think about#with regards to myself#but actually those all can be such negative and hurtful traits.#also it kills my pride to know that the people who love me already know these Lol#because they’re the ones who have to live with them!! And who are affected by them!#anyway the self-absorption one especially. I feel like there’s been so much to work through and figure out this past year#that made me turn inward more#and some of it was necessary#but I’m so aware of how much I want to get out of that space. and truly be open to other people and experiences and the world#in a way that is not just filtered through my internal journey#anyway anyway (a final thought) the pattern of my 20’s has been either self-absorption or complete absorption into the one or two things#that I/my anxiety allowed into the space of my heart and mind#as a kind of counter to the teenage state which was just information pouring in from all sides#but I would like to be able to reopen some of those informational floodgates so to speak. and let stuff in in a real and balanced way#because I don’t think I’m going to drown or be swept away in it (I am so scared of losing my identity in a sea of information)#one of my root fears! but it’s like. No. Bones not made of glass etc. etc. so you can start to think about yourself less#you SHOULD#anyway thank you for listening. there have been some very good (self) revelations lately <3#painful ones! but good
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i have questions tho
#like with the irritability and aggression symptoms. does it count if i have those but i also have extremely tightly held self control#like yes i used to feel like this all the time throughout high school and that was the fucking worst but i've figured out coping mechanisms#i would not have survived this long if i had not been able to crawl my way out of my five anxiety attacks a week era#sophomore year! was! hard!#but now that i'm uncovering shit that happened when i was a kid and all the shit i have boxed away my entire life#when i wrote about ladybug having well developed compartmentalization that post was about me#i literally put things in boxes in my head. i separate myself from the emotional effect of things so that i can be as fair and#logical as i possibly can be. like yes i've had nightmares since i was a kid. yes i've had depressive symptoms since i was seven.#yes that's when one of my major traumas occurred. why have i never connected these dots#they literally sent me to GRIEF COUNSELING bc they thought my sudden behavioral change was a delayed reaction to my parents' divorce#vent cw#mental illness cw#i just need to talk this out#when i get to donna's office on 3pm thursday we will be so back#mer rambles
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Y'know hearing people talk about gender made question my own which is fine i kinda just expected yeah still a guy but uh no i kinda reliazed i dont care but it doesn't feel like its nothing like non binary but more like i change to fit whatever situation im in as best i can and changing gender doesn't bother me cause i dont feel very strongly one way or another not a guy or girl just kinda here being me not necessarily nothing but something and it doesn't really matter since im pan and prefer using urinals but still its always kinda weird when someone asks about pronouns cause i just dont care i just choose whatever works the best which i guess would be any but like anytime ive said that it feels not quite right
#it doesn't really matter at the end of the day but still not having an answer on myself is annoying#oh holy shit#i think i know why#cause having self control is useful to fitting in and i always moved as kid meaning i had to be able to identify myself in a normal way#so i could socialize and actually make friends thats probably why i always try and learn more about myself and why#whenever i meet someone new i study them to figure out how to fit in decently around them#that explains alot but also when was the last time i tried not fitting in tried just being myself#i cant remember ive just been putting on different acts either i did at one point and repressed the memory which i do alot or just never hav#neat mabye i should go to therapy again instead of just writing stuff on tumblr feel like if i asked if somethings normal the answer#would be skewed
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one of my biggest nightmares is happening to me right now haha how fun
#when it comes to bugs i am a wimp#always have been always will be#they invoke some sort of blood-curdling fear in me i have no control over#so anyways#i can't even kill them most of the time i obviously can't take them outside either#it's like being in physical proximity to them does something awful to my brain chemistry it's nightmarish#so now i am sleeping in my living room and we left the balcony open in the evening and it had rained#so just now when i decide to finally turn the lights off and go to sleep at the reasonable hour of 1am#i notice not one. not two. but three goddamn mosquitoes surrounding me like the forces of evil#and i KNOW the second i hit those lights and lie down they WILL attack#and i can't to anything about because again. paralyzing insect-induced fear and repulsion#so i am literally sitting frozen on this pullout couch turning my head every three seconds#just to know exactly where the goddamned monstrous creatures are at all times#one on the north wall and the other two are sharing the corner#and i can't bring myself to stomp them with my shoe bc i would definitely scream#and i'd ask my dad to get them for me but he has sleeping issues and if he's already asleep and i wake him he won't be able to go back#and then tomorrow will be awful#so i'm here getting slightly devoured by my irrational suffering#and this is the part i most fear about living alone. genuinely#what if i see a spider and i cant yell for anyone. i WOULD sleep on my goddamn bathroom if necessary#and that's on my biggest untreated psychological issue. fun times
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chat is it normal to feel completely desensitized to feeling constantly sick that when you’re actually sick you feel like it’s not enough to warrant it
#due to long covid or possibly weed usage or a mixture honestly still very unsure#i was incredibly nauseous pretty much constantly and would be sick daily for weeks at a time#that lasted like a year i still get flare ups of that if i over exert myself but it’s like basically fine now#but now i have disease that makes me nauseous and throw up and im like. okay 👍#this doesn’t feel like big enough of a problem#like those are my main symptoms but it feels like they’re meaningless bc ive had this just normally before#i haven’t been able to eat or even drink really without feeling or being sick#hoping i wont vomit again tonight almost every time ive eaten since yesterday i have and i had dinner like an hour ago#sorry so fucking tmi i feel really weird talking to anyone about this but i feel like i need to bc ??? fucked up idk#really fucking dehydrated also which is helping me not be sick but i think is giving me more of a headache#i have bad health ocd stuff also so i keep thinking im faking for various reasons anyways#i feel like thinking about this is going to make it reality even though i start thinking about it bc im feeling it#i keep trying to just make myself normal and not experience any of these symptoms bc i feel like i can control it (i cannot)#it’s only with nausea stuff bc it all surrounds emetophobia i know i can’t like stop a sore throat or something but this comes out of me#i could just not#sorry for talking way too in depth about my diseased body and mind#i had a super strong stomach as a kid like went 7 years or something without vomiting and then this shit started idk if the way i do it is#normal??? like this sounds so stupid but i feel like im subconsciously forcing it to happen bc idk how it’s supposed to be and it doesn’t#feel as bad as it should be#i think the fact it’s happening at all is bad but it feels like im being overdramatic#anyways yeah ive been feeling like shit lol i hate this stuff bc while i have the actual physical stuff i also start getting ten billion#mental problems about it as well#emetophobia#vent
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It's that time again
#hello friend#i dont remember the last time we talked#or rather you listened#i find myself in an odd situation#i keep having reoccuringdreams that feel like all the progress ive made has been for nothing#visions of past memories and also a future in which things stayed the same#things happening that could have happened but also would not happen#interactions with people long since past all in an effort to find some closure#i fear that this will forever mark me somehow and i will not be able to escape this#have i trapped myself? are the circumstances in my control?#to some extent i blieve they are but its so hard to force my mind one direction when it clearly has its own plans#i miss my friends so dearly#i miss what could have been#im currently on vacation and while i am having fun i cant help but feel half of a whole#i feel like i would enjoy this so much more if it were with a companion or someone i loved dearly#because promises were made long ago that never came to fruition#and now i am experiencing those things alone and feel as though ive robbed myself and her of these experiences#i find myself thinking about you once again and wondering when our paths will cross again#or if i even want that to happen#if i left for good would you turn and look?#time will tell#so many words and thoughts and not enough time to tell them all in a way thats coherent#a stream of consciousness that will find its path#i miss you#i miss all of you#i hope one day i can be at ease#everything will be okay because it has to be#this too shall pass
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