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fire-of-the-sun · 5 months ago

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Noctis and The 'Black Moment' That Never Was

Given the recent discovery of an earlier version of a Final Fantasy XV scene featuring Noctis being imprisoned by Bahamut in Angelgard instead of the Crystal and him showing genuine fear about his destiny (here), I'm reminded of how unfortunate it is that the final game didn't explore the reaction to his fate as well as it deserved and how it could have been one of the most significant scenes in the game. In light of this new scene, I want to use it as an opportunity to address this vital plot point, how it affects Noctis' arc and the story as a whole and why what we got just didn't quite hit the mark.

THE 'BLACK MOMENT'

In typical story structure, this plot point would represent the "The Black Moment" or "The Dark Night of the Soul" among other titles. Taking place before the climax of a story, this pivotal moment is intended to feel like all hope is now lost and showcase the protagonist at their lowest and, in many cases, physically alone. To overcome this, these scenes demand that they gain new insight and understanding - essentially to realize the lesson meant to be learned that defines the thematic core of the story - to pull them out of their despair and carry them across the threshold to the final act. In the above image, you can see that this event precedes the "Road Back" which, in the case of this story, is obviously represented by Noctis returning to the world and regrouping with his allies before entering the climax to face Ardyn and fulfill his calling. Of course, everything leading to the end hinges on the 'Black Moment' beat, so let's explore how each version of this scene tried to tackle this and how they could have been improved:

SCENE COMPARISON

In the original version of the scene, Noctis is physically imprisoned in a dark and gloomy cell in Angelgard - a fitting choice that helps to highlight the tragedy of his circumstances and reflect how he feels trapped by his destiny as well as parallel Ardyn's own imprisonment. Noctis verbally lashes out at Bahamut and expresses genuine anger and fear towards the newly discovered truth of his impending demise.

"'Returned to naught'? I just... fade away? Wait - no! Lemme out of here! - Noctis

Though this missing scene does a better job portraying a stronger reaction from Noctis than the final game, it does still fail to give credible evidence to validate his decision to accept his fate beyond the player simply selecting an option to continue. As such, Noctis and the player may feel more coerced into saying 'yes' here without actually going through the time and processing necessary to truly accept it. Though I'm sure this scene doesn't fully represent the developer's initial intentions and there could have been far more to it, as it stands, it's still not enough to create a successful 'Black Moment".

"Only at the throne can the Chosen receive [the power] and only at the cost of a life: his own. The King of Kings shall be granted the power to banish the darkness, but the blood price must be paid. To cast out the Usurper and usher in Dawn's light will cost the life of the Chosen. Many sacrificed all for the King so must the King sacrifice himself for all. Now enter into Reflection, that the Light of Providence shine within." - Bahamut

In the final version of the game, the essential elements needed for this scene to work are... present to a degree but could have been greatly improved as these aspects are implied rather than explored. After being told the news of his impending death, Noctis does make a distressed expression, but he never gets to voice or process his feelings about it and the moment quickly moves away to show him being forced into slumber.

This is supposed to be a huge turning point. A gut punch to the character and audience and it deserved a stronger reaction - one more akin to the panic and anger that is showcased in the original scene. On the heels of this devastating news, discovering Ardyn's true identity and nefarious intentions and finding himself utterly alone without his friends, Noctis is understandably at his lowest and we need to feel that. Light shines brightest in the dark and the darker we allow this scene the be, the brighter hope can shine after and the more satisfying it will be.

By way of processing, we see a brief montage of footage from previous moments in the game to show Noctis reflecting on them and then he awakens 10 years later having completely worked through all of his trauma, grief and guilt and the sudden transformation naturally feels a bit jarring. Progress is assumed through the passage of time and the natural maturation that comes from age, but this simply isn't enough. There is a lot to unpack here and it deserves to be. The game can't simply rely on a time skip to produce a grudging acceptance. It needs to be a choice - one that he makes wholeheartedly and that the audience fully understands.

I will say, I do like physically seeing the power entering Noctis via the Ring of the Lucii in this version rather than implying he's powering up off-screen, but it's something he should earn after accepting his fate rather than it being forced on him without his consent. Gaining the power he needs to save the world needs to act as the reward for choosing to do so.

DIGGING DEEPER

So, what is necessary for him to grow here? What is the thing that truly awakens the inner King in Noctis and brings him out of the depths of his despair? What makes him choose to willingly sacrifice his life? Though it's an amalgam of a number of things, above all, it is love. Love for his father, love for Luna, love for his friends, love for the people he's met and the world he lives in. Love that counteracts his fear. He has to remember what and who he's doing this for. Though the cost is steep, he has to determine it's worth it to fulfill his duty and save the world.

Of course, Noctis' opinion about his calling changes throughout the story. After Luna first introduces him to the reality that he is the Chosen one as a child, he's hesitant at first, but promises he won't let her down. He has no real idea of what his task will truly be but shows enthusiasm anyway most likely because it was Luna herself who showed such belief in him. As an adult, Noctis begins to struggle with his new reality after the death of his father and shows great anxiety about the mounting responsibilities thrust upon him including his kingly duties, upcoming marriage and the growing burden of his calling. After the loss of Luna, his dedication to continue feels largely driven by immense guilt and need for revenge. In Episode Ignis, after Ignis suggests they end their quest due to suffering so much loss (and now knowing about Noctis' fate), he responds:

"Are you kidding me? That's exactly why I have to keep going - because if I give up now, their sacrifices would have been for nothing!" - Noctis

Though not wanting their sacrifices to be in vain is noble, this should not be his main driving force, especially if his desire to press forward comes from a place of pain and contrition more than anything else. He even refuses to put on the Ring - the symbol of his Kingship and destiny - which shows his lack of true commitment to what is expected of him. At this point, he still has a lot to process and understand before he can fully accept the reality of a fate he is still largely unaware of and truly let go of the fears and anxieties surrounding it.

Noctis has had little time to process his emotions on his journey thus far and the respite afforded by the 'Black Moment' now allows him the opportunity to do so. Whether through playable content that permits Noctis and the audience to tangibly explore his past and current emotions or a prolonged cutscene in either the prison or Crystal, we definitely needed to see him confront what's happened thus far - the good and the bad - and grow from it.

In the Dawn of the Future version of the story, we learn more about what Noctis was dreaming about in the Crystal which included witnessing some of the history of the world, seeing insightful pieces of the lives of characters such as Ardyn and Luna and even getting to interact with his father again. Given this was added to the book and therefore indicative of the developer's intention to feature it in Episode Noctis, I wonder if it had always been their desire to explore his time in the Crystal this way but never got the time to realize in the final game. Noctis actually getting to see and interact with the past and other significant figures would have made for a far more effective 'Black Moment' given its prolonged introspective and revelatory nature.

THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

To help guide and comfort him as she always has, I believe that somehow seeing or hearing Luna's spirit again in some way during the 'Black Moment' would have been essential given her narrative purpose and provide a satisfying reference back to her dying promise to him:

"When the world falls down around you and hope is lost. When you find yourself alone amid a lightless place. Look to the distance, know that I am there and that I watch over you always." - Lunafreya

Like the moon shining in his dark prison cell in the old version - the literal light in the night sky - she is the reminder of love and hope to cling to when the darkness threatens to swallow him. This dialogue is so accurate to this scene that I feel it was foreshadowing it specifically to payoff here. Also, if they had gone with the idea of Noctis drawing his power from the moon instead of the Crystal, her presence would be even more significant here and it certainly seems like the original version in Angelgard attempted to spotlight her to a degree as the translated dialogue after he accepts his charge reveals:

"No one tells me anything. I'm always late accepting. Luna, I'm sorry. I will fulfill my duty." - Noctis (Translated by K as in Kei)

This situation creates an even deeper connection between them as, to save the world together like they were destined to do, both Noctis and Luna have to die and surrender their personal desires for a future. As in life, Noctis has to continue to follow her lead and example to become the man she always knew he could be. If she could be dutiful and walk boldly to her fate, so can he and that knowledge would be paramount in helping to encourage him to complete his journey as he remembers his promise not to let her down.

Of course, to truly accept his death, Noctis would naturally have to mourn the life he won't get to live. So many aspects of his life have been derailed already and, after the loss of his father, his home and his fiancé, he now has to face that he has no future beyond being a sacrifice. This is a reality that Luna had to face as well, which would help him better understand what she had to go through and even come to terms with her death as he comes to terms with his own. By letting go of the guilt he feels and truly recognizing that it was an inevitable and accepted part of her calling and not a product of his own mistakes, can he start to forgive himself for everything else, too.

"[...] That may be but it's my choice. If only... if only I could hear his voice once more. If we could laugh together as we did as children. If we could live out our days together as we once dreamed. [...] Forgive me, I vowed to only cry where prying eyes could not see the tears in mine. [...] No, she is no different at all. She wants exactly what they do: to be with the one she loves. But want though she may, it is not to be." - Lunafreya

In a moving flashback, we see Luna grieve the life she wanted and knew she would never have but emphasize that, despite her sorrow, it was still her choice to "throw her life away" and one that she accepted fully with humility and grace. We see her persist to the end due to her strong sense of duty and, most importantly, her love and dedication to Noctis and the people of the world which is what he must use to guide him as well.

To me, this moment feels reminiscent of the campfire scene where Noctis also tearfully voices his acceptance of his fate while allowing himself to uncharacteristically reveal the pain of it, too. Though Noctis has had a decade to process these feelings by this point and fully come to terms with them, he's still a person mourning the sudden finality of his life and the now fleeting moments he'll get to spend with his remaining loved ones. The emotional strength of this scene could act as a reflection of his initial despair as the pain becomes fresh once more but, this time, Noctis is more readily able to tame it. As he stands and looks to each of his friends in turn, reflecting on their friendship and his love for them, he allows that love to outweigh fear and grief. As we watch his tears turn into a smile, it is a perfect display of how he's grown from the 'Black Moment' and a fitting final scene to the game.

"So, I... I've made my peace. Still, knowing this is it and seeing you here, now, it's... more than I can take. Well, what can I say? You guys are the best." - Noctis

All of this emotional progress would also lead him to simply start believing in himself and his worth. He has to remember that he has the support of so many who truly have faith in his ability to fulfill his duty and it's something he needs to accept in himself, too. If they had gone with the Angelgard prison version, a place once defined by punishment would herald Noctis' liberation and, instead of succumbing to darkness like Ardyn, he found light.

METAMORPHOSIS

By reflecting on and embracing his past and remembering what drives him, Noctis would then be ready to finally accept the reality of his calling and begin his metamorphosis, both physically and emotionally, into the King of Light. The man that emerges 10 years later is wise, mature and at peace with his fate. Though the sudden change may not feel as congruent in the final game without taking the time and necessary steps to get there, there are still many moments depicting just how far Noctis has come after the time skip that leave an impact regardless. Beyond the campfire scene, another great example that comes to mind is his conversation with Ignis, showcasing that he can now look back on his life fondly and doesn't hold onto negative emotions:

"You know, looking back, it wasn't all bad. [...] And our fair share of trouble too... but I don't have any regrets. Luna and you guys brought me this far and now I'm on my own." - Noctis

We can also see how much he's grown in his final battle with Ardyn. Not only is he physically stronger, but he's also gained the mental and emotional fortitude to withstand Ardyn's denigrations regarding his efficacy as the Chosen One and his guilt about his father and Luna. Though these barbs would have hit their mark in the past, Noctis is now resistant to them as he's fully processed those emotions and no longer gives them credence. Noctis has tasted the darkness Ardyn once knew but come out of it intact due to the strength of his relationships that ushered him through it. Unlike Ardyn, he is not alone and he fights for love instead of revenge and that is why he succeeds.

"Yet when your father died, you were off playing with your friends! When your beloved died, you lay watching powerless to stop it! You think 10 years is a long time? It is nothing to me! I have lived in darkness for ages!" - Ardyn

Despite what some might think, defeating Ardyn in the physical world is not the Climax. It's in the throne room that Noctis must face the true test of his calling and finally allow himself to be sacrificed. This is where the themes and the lessons he's embraced from the 'Black Moment' rise to the forefront and lead to Ardyn's ultimate demise. It is here that Noctis walks to his death without visible fear, summoning his own executioners with steeled resolve. There are no tears. No second thoughts. Just an unwavering determination to fulfill his calling and save the world once and for all as he assures his father to trust in his ability to do so.

"I'm home. I walked tall and though it took me a while, I'm ready now. I love you all. Luna, guys, dad. The time we had together, I cherish." - Noctis

Through dialogue, the scene reminds us that Noctis' relationships are his driving force and, in what could have been an even more moving parallel to the 'Black Moment', the flashback footage of his loved ones that he remembers at his lowest once more is what helps him endure the agony of his sacrifice and is enough to sustain his strength to continue to the end.

"It's finally over." - Noctis

As Noctis utters these final words at the culmination of years spent in turmoil facing the obstacles of his unjust fate, Noctis dies with a small smile on his face, relieved that his struggles are finally over. He has restored light and hope to the world, fulfilled his calling and can now rest with his lost love knowing he succeeded in safeguarding his remaining loved ones and provided a future for generations to come. It's a bittersweet conclusion to his life - one filled with great strife and heartache but also great love - love that was essential to save the world.

In another parallel between them, Noctis' end reminds me of Ravus' words regarding the death of his sister, Luna, in Episode Ignis and further showcases how much Noctis succeeded in following her footsteps:

"I always knew that [Luna] would face [her] fate without fear, fulfill [her] duty without regret. But part of me always hoped... she would get the chance to live and love as she pleased. [...] And, as in life, I know she will confront that challenge with a smile on her face." - Ravus

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, allowing Noctis to have a stronger reaction to the devastating news of his fate and exploring his passage to acceptance to provide necessary character growth would have been a huge improvement and further embodied and enhanced the heart of this story, one that, though touched upon to a degree, is lacking the immense impact it could have had. Though this game is full of powerful, moving moments, a more successful 'Black Moment' could have been one of the strongest and added more weight to an already emotionally resonant conclusion.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this meta, please like and reblog to help spread it around and check out my #ffmeta and #ffedit tag for more!

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newtkelly · 2 months ago

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do you really think they're gonna get back together

yes, i genuinely do, and here are a few reasons why!

every single time buck and tommy have left things unresolved, they have found their way back to each other. narratively, they are back in the same place they’ve been twice before, and for the story to be cohesively resolved, they will need to have a conversation. obviously, there are a lot of storylines on 911 (and most tv shows) that never get any resolution, so i understand why some might have a cynical take or low expectations for this story to be satisfyingly seen through. however, there are a few factors that indicate a romantic reconciliation.

think back on season eight. aside from the gerrard storyline (which had so much potential set up in buzzkill but let’s not go there rn) and the eddie’s house storyline, buck’s entire season eight arc has been about his relationship with tommy. his boyfriend taking care of him, his boyfriend dumping him, the subsequent loneliness, the baking, the hook-up. more than half of his plot has been about tommy. therefore, i think it is realistic to say it will continue to be.

very thankfully, we know that lou has been on set filming action scenes for an upcoming episode(s), and in the same filming location as oliver. they’re filming scenes together, there’s no doubt about that. okay, it could make sense to bring tommy back again to make amends and help buck “move on,” but i think it’s pretty naive to think they investing all of this plot and screen time into a recurring character is simply for buck to learn a lesson and get on with his life, searching for something from scratch again especially this far along into the series. they’re not bringing tommy back repeatedly on a whim or as filler. structurally, they have put in the groundwork for this relationship to have substance and longevity. that’s the more likely reason he would be brought back again and again and again.

by the end of 8x11, buck and tommy are not on very good terms, but by the same token, tommy has done a tremendous service to buck and buck carries no resentment. he finally has the feeling of home in his new house after a lovely night spent together. even though there’s an ease at home, there’s also an unease that is articulated and important. buck still wants to reach out and clear the air. he is extremely self-aware and knows exactly why he lashed out. this, in addition to the very many mentions of tommy in his absence, serves a purpose - to remind the audience that things are unresolved, and to keep that at the back of the collective mind.

i guess tldr is this:

• we know tommy is coming back because lou has been on set

• more than half of buck’s s8 plot has been about tommy - that is a lot of tv time invested towards giving substance to a relationship

• buck saw a side of tommy that hurt him, and yet he still felt like he should reach out and apologize. he is still thinking about him. and he can finally sleep well because of him

#pls discuss!!!!!!#bucktommy #meta #tommy kinard #evan buckley #911 abc #911 spoilers #911 speculation

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coco-loco-nut · 3 months ago

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Eternal Sunshine

pairing: pato o’ward x reader

summary: ok, maybe you have a type. at least this time he might treat you right

masterlist requests open

——————————————

They say that in the darkest skies you see the brightest stars, that suffering is essential to growth, that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. You never believed it to be true until you met your boyfriend. He kind and funny and ridiculously handsome, and he arrived at one of your lowest points.

——

You shouldn’t be here, your mind screams at you to turn around and leave, but it’s the same one that wanted you to be here in the first place.

The track used to feel like home, for five years you got to watch your boyfriend drive and enjoy the secrecy of your relationship. You both put in a lot of effort into keeping the spark alive, even if it meant shuffling some things around. That was until he decided he to cheat on you. It was easy for him, you weren’t public so it was easy to lie that he wasn’t in a relationship. Turns out he’s been cheating for over a year.

But this isn’t Formula One, this is IndyCar. You chose this to get your fix and move on. It would be satisfying to see someone crash into Oscar, maybe he can feel the pain you felt.

“Are you lost?” a deep voice comes from beside you and you look at the man speaking to you.

“A little,” you smile nervously, you haven’t been recognized yet. Maybe you should’ve chosen a race that wasn’t right outside of L.A.

“Luckily for you, I’m an expert,” you don’t know why he seems familiar. You notice his McLaren shirt, similar to your own - except yours was a fuck you to Oscar. You stole some of his official gear when you packed your bag and left.

“Are you a McLaren fan?” you ask, trying to place why he seems familiar.

“I guess you could say that? Are you?” the man asks, and you can’t help to notice some resemblance to Oscar, but he is far more handsome.

“I, um, same. I’m new to Indy, but I’ve loosely followed the F1 team for around five years,” you choose your words carefully. Pato looks at you closer, knowing he’s seen you somewhere before. Your pass says that you have VIP access, so he doesn’t question it as you walk with him.

“I’m Pato,” your brows furrow slightly as you give him your middle name as a cover. Where have you heard that name before. Your eyes catch sight of a video screen and they widen in horror.

“This is embarrassing, you’re a driver,” you are at a bit of a loss for words, mortified at your carelessness. He has got to be so mad, you straight up lied to his face.

“And your name is actually Y/n. I’m surprised to see someone of your talents here. Especially without security,” Pato’s unoffended smile disarms you, making you mentally sigh a breath of relief.

“Sorry for all the secrecy, it used to be the only way I can attend races,. I guess my disguise didn’t work then,” your smile is bittersweet, it’s almost freeing to be at a race without worrying if your relationship is going to be put on blast.

“I understand. I’m actually a big fan myself, so I recognized your voice. I introduced Lando to your music last year,” Pato says but you know the last part isn’t actually true. He may think he introduced your music to Lando, but Lando couldn’t reveal he knew you and your music well. He was one of the very few people who knew about you and Oscar.

“That’s so cool,” even if it’s wrong, maybe even vain, you love hearing things like that. “Did you get to go to the tour last year r hen?” you follow, curious how much he truly listens to your music.

“No, I wasn’t able to make it between races and other duties. I wanted to though,” he replies, scratching his neck while contemplating if he should ask a question or not. He has you as a captive audience though, so it doesn’t hurt to.

“That’s a shame,” you realize that you’ve started walking with Pato, but no one’s stopped you yet.

“Will you be releasing new music soon?” he sees a flash of hurt in your eyes and immediately regrets asking.

“I’ve both lost and gained inspiration, so there may be something in the works sooner than expected,” Pato immediately understands your words. It was widely known that you were in a long-term relationship, but no one knew who you were dating. It seems like you are no longer in one now. You really will have to hide when that bit of news breaks.

“I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay, it’s actually good, in a way. I’m starting to get over what happened,” the last part feels like a lie, but you don’t feel as heavy as before.

“I’m sorry, you are probably busy and I’m yapping on and on. I should probably get ready for practice anyway,” Pato realizes, flushing slightly with embarrassment.

“It’s okay,” you smile and something inside you tugs at your heart at the thought of him walking away and never talking to him again. “Would you like to get drinks or something after the race on Sunday?” you ask quickly, voice slightly shaking with nerves. You watch his eyes light up before he reels himself in to act cool.

“Yeah. I’d give you my number, but I know that you will run into me soon,. Enjoy all the racing” he grins, disappearing into the crowds. You continue to walk around, finding a spot to watch the end of the IMSA practice.

You slip back into your brooding as the sounds of engines put you on edge. It used to be a sound that was a comfort.

You want to kick yourself, how could you let a man - no, a boy - play you like that. And now here you are, wide-eyed and talking to another driver. Stupid. Not only does he drive for Arrow McLaren, but he’s the reserve driver for the F1 team.

All you can think about is how Oscar and Lando would react, how Pato would react if you started something and he found out about Oscar. The words they could use to hurt you. Whore. You would be moving on quickly, but then again, so did Oscar. He moved on while you were still together. Manipulator. Even if you don’t intend on it, it would be very easy to assume that you are using Pato for revenge, as a low blow. So many more.

“Fuck,” you whisper. You have a lot to think about before the end of the weekend.

Pato was right, you run into him (literally run into him) on Sunday. You just finished and early lunch and got on a call with your agent to discuss an opportunity.

“Sorry, I gotta go,” you apologize, hanging up the call.

“When I said you will run into me, I didn’t mean literally,” the smile on his face tells you he isn’t actually mad. In fact, he seems delighted. Yet the uneasy feeling of nerves bubbles in your stomach, you can’t hurt him. You know what you have to do, you have to tell him the truth. Lay it all out and let him make an informed decision, even if it hurts you to talk about.

“Sorry, I was distracted, and I guess I still am. My agent was trying to convince to, um, you know that doesn’t really matter,” you shift your focus to the present moment.

“I’m glad I ran into you, I was going to offer a garage tour,” Pato brushes you odd behavior off and your eyes light up. The look sends a thrill down his spine and butterflies in his chest. He feels like a teenage boy talking to his crush.

“Really? I’ve never been, not even when I-,” you catch your words, quickly clearing your throat, “not even when I attended an F1 race a few years ago,” the excitement from your voice is gone. Pato can tell there is a story there, but he takes your initial reaction and runs with it. Oscar never brought you to the garage. Even Lando offered, but you both said it was too risky. Oscar never even introduced you to the team, other than Lando.

“Follow me!” he leads you through the Arrow McLaren area, and you end up back at his motorhome. Pato did make sure to take pictures during it, especially with you and his car. You don’t think twice when you follow him in and sit down.

“I kinda like this a lot more than F1, it seems more humble in a way. It’s a spectacle like all racing is, but F1 is so flashy and honestly some people wouldn’t realize if there wasn’t a race. As long as all the other entertainment is there,” you unintentionally start on a tangent. Pato realizes he can learn a lot about you by reading between the lines.

“You sound like you have a bit of experience,”

“They, uh, COTA wants me to perform at F1 grand prix. They claim I will be the biggest attraction,” you huff, you really weren’t supposed to say anything, but if anyone would understand it would be Pato. Plus, he’s in the industry and you deep down you know you can trust him.

“They aren’t wrong. I know at least Lando would rather watch you than drive,” Pato smiles cheekily, dissolving your frustration.

“He’s had a private concert before, I’m sure he’ll live if I turn it down,” you abruptly stop laughing when you realize what you revealed. Pato’s brows furrow as he processes your words, maybe you misspoke. Here goes nothing, you have to come clean now.

“Lando and I were kinda friends, we met through my ex,” you reveal some of your truth. Careful to keep some of the cards in your hand hidden. The ones too painful to share.

“Oh, that’s cool! How did your ex know Lando?” Pato asks, almost wondering how you didn’t know who he was when you met. You quickly weigh the pros and cons. If you are going to get drinks with him after the race, he deserves to at least know and make his decision from there.

“My ex is Oscar Piastri,” your voice is quiet at you look at your hands, picking at a nail. Pato observes you as his stomach drops.

“Oh, how, uh, how did you meet?” he tentatively asks, trying to get an answer but not shut you down.

“I grew up as a huge racing fan and I thought he was cute, so I messaged him and that was that. You know my music,” you watch him smile to himself and then meet your eyes.

“Well, I’m glad I’m your type then, unless it’s just Australian racers,” Pato teases and your lips quirk up, relieved that he isn’t mad.

“No, apparently just men who drive for McLaren,” you chuckle. “He um, he cheated on me, and that isn’t part of my type. Hopefully that’s a part of the Australian thing,” your voice is quieter, but not dejected. That’s as much as you are willing to give for now, somethings are still too painful.

“I think he’s stupid to do that. And to not show you off. Plenty of guys would kill to meet you, to be on your arm and the one you come home to. I know I would,” Pato reassures you as he reaches out and squeezes your hand.

“It isn’t weird?” you ask. He just shrugs, looking at you in a way that makes you like a million butterflies are in your stomach.

“It’s not like you came here searching for me. Based off of your story, I doubt you came here looking for a relationship either. Besides, I initiated our first conversation, and you just came here for… why did you come here?”

“I missed racing, and this is really close to LA,” you say honestly. “I really didn’t know who you were, by the way. I wasn’t allowed to be around the F1 team, and everything I new about the team was from Oscar, so I never really thought to ask who the reserve driver was,” you add on.

“I believe you. For the record, I think you should perform at the race. It might be therapeutic not having to hide your presence there,” Pato offers his opinion. Silently adding that it might be nice to show Oscar you don’t have to hide.

“You have a great point,” your smile sends a thrill down his spine.

“Pato!” a girl barges into the motorhome, drawing both of your attentions. “Oh my god, you’re,” she stares at you with wide eyes.

“Hi,” you stand up to greet her.

“Y/n, this is my sister, Elba,” Pato says as she tells him something in Spanish that sounds borderline angry.

“In that case, maybe we should watch the race together?” you want to get off on the right foot, especially if you want to pursue something with him.

“Really?” her eyes light up as she shoots Pato a look again. “Pato, why are you trapping her?” she asks her brother and you fight a laugh.

“I’m not-“

“I ran into him today, literally ran into him, and he offered to show me around,” you offer an explanation.

“I promise I’m much cooler than him,” she tells you. You admire their sibling dynamic, there’s clearly a deep bond for them to interact as they do.

“Why are you even here?” Pato puts an end to things before his sister steals you away.

“Making sure you are ready, you have ten minutes,” she says, walking over to you and linking your arms. Too late, Pato, you are being stolen.

“Oh shit,”

“That’s what I thought,” she hums, walking the two of you out so he can change.

“Drinks on me,” you tell her, knowing you will get along well. And you do, three drinks later you are telling her all about Oscar and even playing a sample of a new song. She happily takes in all the industry insights and background of your music. You answer most of her questions, even one’s like who your least favorite artist to work with is.

You both don’t even notice when the Arrow Mclaren team takes a picture of you laughing in their hospitality area. You only noticed after the race when your phone started to blow up.

“Everything okay?” Elba asks as you stare at your phone with a frown. You are in the safety of Pato’s motorhome, away from prying eyes.

“My publicist is freaking out. I wasn’t supposed to officially be here and being spotted with you as made the public assume things,” the pinched line between your eyebrows tells Elba just how frustrated you are.

“So you aren’t allowed to have friends,” she scoffs. Even if she can tell there is a spark between you and her brother, there’s no need to push that at the moment. A devilish smile creeps onto her face as she looks at you. “I bet those rumors are killing Oscar,” she says while watching the frustration melt into satisfaction.

“I would never use you or your brother like that, but I have to admit I like the idea,” you smile.

“Hello sister and supposed girlfriend,” Pato walks in, causing you to sit up a little. He clearly isn’t bothered by it. Secretly, he loves it, he wasn’t lying earlier about being romantically interested.

“Do your ears burn?” Elba asks, eyebrow raised like this isn’t Pato’s motorhome.

“No?”

“Hm, okay,”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize that a photo of Elba and I would cause so much trouble,” you apologize, a little embarrassed at the public’s reaction. You went from never having a public photo of you and Oscar to having articles being written about you and Pato when you aren’t even together yet.

“So I shouldn’t post the photo of you with my car?” Pato asks lightheartedly.

“Post whatever you’d like,” your words are truthful, it’s a good photo and people already know you are hanging out.

“Good, you look very cute in it,” Pato’s words cause your cheeks to flush.

“I should go, my car is here. Congrats on your podium,” you stand, sneakily leaving a slip of paper on the chair behind you.

Pato and Elba watch you disappear. Guess you aren’t getting drinks tonight.

“You really like her, don’t you?” Elba asks, watching as Pato stares at the door you left from.

“She’s different. I should be thrown off about Oscar, but she didn’t know me. She loves racing too. I want her, but I’m willing to wait,” Pato says wistfully. Elba subtly picks up the paper that you dropped.

“Well, she lefts this. Maybe it’s a good start,” Elba leaves Pato to himself.

Pato, sorry I had to leave quickly. Text me when you get to this address, 10pm…

Your handwriting is neat with the details listed at the end. A quick google search of the name tells him it’s a members-only upscale bar. It’s so exclusive it has a dress code and no address listed online.

His stomach churns with nerves as he sends a text to you letting you know he’s there. A moment later a man in a suit opens the door for him. He’s never been so nervous for a date.

“Mr. O’Ward, follow me,” Pato runs his hands nervously down his button-down, smoothing non-existent wrinkles. The tie feels tight as he steps further into the bar. Pato spots you wearing a sleek black dress with hair perfectly styled. You look absolutely breathtaking as you stand to greet him, pressing a light kiss to his cheek.

“Sorry for the formality, it’s just the best place for privacy,” you apologize.

“It’s okay. This is a really cool place,” Pato looks around, shocked at the big names sitting near him.

“I ordered some food, if that’s okay, but the waiter will be back soon for drink orders,” you tell him. relaxing into the seat.

“That’s perfect,” Pato takes a look at the menu, noticing there’s no prices.

“Don’t worry about the cost, I’ve paid for everything already,” you answer his thoughts, practically reading his mind.

“But-“

“I asked you out and invited you, you weren’t going to pay regardless,” your smile tells him to enjoy being treated so he does.

“How was your first Indycar weekend?” he asks after you order drinks.

“I enjoyed it, I think I might have a new favorite driver,”

“You mean I wasn’t your favorite in the first place?” Pato teases.

“No, it was Nico Rosberg, jury is still out if he’s moving from number one,” your eyes crinkle.

“Will that change if I show you pictures of my dog?”

“Absolutely,” you lean in to look at his phone. You may be a cat person, but you love dogs almost as much as you love cats.

Your first date turns into two, then three, then four, then nights spent together. Pato even occasionally joins you at the studio while you record your new album. The summer flies and you make some appearances at races as Elba’s friend - which isn’t untrue. Your fans connected the dots when you posted a dump that included Pato’s dog and Pato posted the photo of you with his car from your garage tour.

She joins you and Pato at COTA. You’ve spent the whole week both stressed and nervous as you practiced your set and announced your new album, eternal sunshine.

“Are you okay?” she asks as you nervously walk through the paddock.

“No, but it’s okay,” you frown, glancing at your pass. Your cream linen outfit is neutral, you didn’t even touch the Arrow Mclaren gear that Pato gifted you when packing for the weekend. He insisted that you didn’t have to accept Mclaren’s offer to be a guest on the day of your performance, but you told him that you would stick with Elba. Your PR team thought it would be a good idea too, especially since you are known to support the Indycar team.

“We can take a shot before going over,” she suggests.

“It’s not even noon,”

“Doesn’t matter,” she shrugs. You follow her as she leads you to a bar, ordering two shots. You’ll just drink extra water before performing tonight. It doesn’t stop the nerves pooling in your stomach as you approach the papaya area, but it does make your brain not care as much.

“Y/n!” Lando practically falls over himself running over to greet you.

“Hey Lando,” your smile is tight, glad it’s him and not Oscar, but not happy to see him this early in the day. You thought you had another hour at least.

“I’m sorry, I was going to reach out but I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me,” his words fall on your deaf ears.

“Save it. If you want to apologize, keep him away from me,” your words are resolute.

“Too late,” Elba says under her breath and suddenly you wish you took more than one shot. You don’t know Pato approaching from behind you, you are honed in on the person now in front of you.

“I see you have a type,” the first words every girl wants to hear from her ex. Certainly not ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘i am the worst, you deserve better than me’. You squeeze Elba’s wrist, silently telling her to stand down before she yells.

“Right, well, he doesn’t cheat on me in my house and bed multiple times, shamelessly apologize when I walk in on it and then send photos to me together with the same girl in that bed a week later. So, I’d say he isn’t like you at all. And if you think you are my type, then you are sorely mistaken,” your eyes narrow. Lando gives Oscar a WTF look, clearly unimpressed with his teammate. He didn’t know the whole story, all Oscar told him was you broke up.

“It’s a shame no one will know who she’s talking about on her album. Except for the ones that are clearly about Pato. Trust me, you’ll know which ones those are,” Elba can’t resist herself, and you are proud of it. You probably shouldn’t have let her listen to two of the demos though.

“What?” Oscar’s eyes widen, not expecting you to tell the world about your break up. Lando is silently thrilled, he can’t wait for your new album. It’s too bad he will have to wear headphones while listening to it.

“You seriously didn’t expect me to not write about it, did you?” you raise your eyebrow. “I wrote about the good and will sure as hell write about the ugly. Be glad I respect you just enough to not name drop you,”

“Hermosa, let’s go,” Pato wraps an arm around your waist, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek, gently removing you from the situation. You startle slightly, not having realized his presence.

“Just wait until she sings tonight,” Elba shoots another comment at Oscar, channeling the spite that you won’t show. Just because you are taking the high road doesn’t mean she has to.

“Elba,” Pato’s sharp voice calling back to her tells her enough and she walks away. Sending one final nasty look over her shoulder before catching up with you and Pato.

“Dude, what the fuck,” Lando turns to his teammate.

“I, she broke up with me,”

“You cheated on her. Multiple times apparently. You know what? We are not having this discussion here. Lucky enough no one was around to see this whole fiasco. Just, stay away from her,” Lando shakes his head, leaving Oscar to wallow in his thoughts.

“Hey, none of that was your fault,” Pato keeps you close, your breathes deep and shaky as you hold yourself together. He brings you into a small empty room, Elba closes the door behind you as tears streak down your cheeks. You sit on the floor, leaning against the wall.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying,” Pato crouches in front of you, thumb wiping away a tear.

“You weren’t ready to encounter him again. I’m so proud of how you handled it, and it’s okay to cry,” he reassure you, which makes you cry harder. Elba bites back a comment about the aforementioned boy, but he should be careful to not run into her again. She’s only nice when not talking to someone who hurt her friend. Pato moves to sit beside you, pulling you into his lap. He lets you cry it out, something you refused to do when you found out about Oscar’s infidelity. You’ve been so strong for so long, you’ve never given yourself the chance to feel your feelings.

“How much of it did you hear?” you tearily ask, a little ashamed that you revealed a part of the story you never told Pato. So much pain put out for the world to hear in a fit of anger.

“Most of it,” Pato answers and you know he knows.

“This is not how this weekend was supposed to start,” you rest your head against Pato’s now damp shirt. Elba stepped out to grab water for you and give you some privacy.

“No,” he agrees, brushing a lock of hair away from your face. Pato won’t vocalize it, but he’s worried about you being in the Paddock for his free practice drive in Mexico.

“Am I doing the right thing by being here? Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to perform,” your voice is thick with that post-cry sound.

“Absolutely, this was hard but I think it will help with your healing. He can’t touch you anymore, he’ll risk your fans knowing he is the one who hurt you,” Pato is reassuring himself too, it was terrifying to find you face to face with Oscar.

“Right,” your tears have stopped.

“Hey, we need to get lunch before sound check,” Elba pops in, carefully tossing the bottle of water to Pato.

“Right,” you sniff, carefully removing yourself from Pato’s hold and standing up.

“Drink this, you need to rehydrate. Fuck, and I need to go to a meeting,” Pato kisses you, letting it last a second too long before leaving you and Elba.

“I can hurt him, make it look like an accident. Then Pato can race this weekend,” Elba suggests. You know she won’t and can’t, but you crack a smile anyway.

“I don’t deserve you or Pato,” you hug her.

“Let’s fix your mascara and get out there. We’ve avoided your team this long, I don’t know how much longer we can manage,” you and Elba find Mclaren hospitality and take advantage of the drivers being in a meeting. You two are gone by the time they get there.

You make your way to the concert stage for a sound check with your band. The hot Texas heat beating down on you.

“I’m making changes to the set list,” you hand them the revised one. “We are doing three songs from the new album. Opening with True Story, then we will do The Boy is Mine and Eternal Sunshine later in the show. Maybe ending with Boy is Mine,” you tell them.

“But those aren’t your singles,”

“It’s a gift to the fans, it’ll help get hype around the album,” you lie, you just feel that they will send the message to Oscar. It’s your little piece of revenge.

“Sounds good, we will practice those later,” your guitarist says. You run through a couple of your hits so the sound levels can be adjusted, before going into a meeting with your team.

“We have an interview set up with F1 TV in half an hour. It’s some type of quiz with Hinchcliffe while doing a hot lap,” your publicist tells you as you hydrate and stretch.

“Right, well, let’s get ready,” you head to the dressing room that is air conditioned, thankfully.

“So, the rumor is that you are a big motorsport fan,” Hinch starts off the interview.

“Ever since I was a kid. I’ve been to a few grand prix before, and now I get to perform at one,” you reply, happy to talk about racing.

“Is Mclaren your favorite team then?”

“No, but I’ll never tell who is,” your playful expression is opposite to the one you wore earlier. No one can tell that you had been crying.

“Well, you’ve been a frequent guest at Indycar races. Who is your favorite driver, me or Pato?”

“I don’t think I can answer that either,” you smile, playing along with the bit.

“So it’s me. Great taste,” he accelerates off the starting line.

“I’ve always wanted to do one of these,”

“Triva while on a hot lap? We all have our own aspirations,” he takes a turn quickly and you cheer in excitement. You confidently answer his questions.

“Can we go again? Can I drive?” you ask, not wanting to unbuckle.

“Unfortunately that’s all the track time we have today,” you sadly unbuckle, giving the in-car camera a thumbs down.

“Thank you for the ride,” you tell him after getting out.

“Thank you, I don’t think I’ve had anyone tell me to go faster. Good luck on your performance tonight,” he is a little shocked at how well you handled it.

“Thank you, I’ll give you a backstage pass if you let me drive,” you say once the cameras stop filming and the mic is removed.

“Unfortunately I cannot this time. Get Pato to rent a track for you. Has he taken you on a lap yet?”

“No, he will in Mexico. Don’t tell anyone, but you are my favorite commentator,” you take your bag from an assistant and hand him a pass.

“I will be holding this over Buxton’s head,” Hinch waves the pass before you part ways. You find Elba and Pato to watch qualifying before you have to get ready for the concert. Elba leaves to get food, claiming that now is the right time while everyone else is busy on track.

“Are you nervous,” Pato asks, his fingers entwined with yours as you stare at the screen.

“A little, but I changed the set to add some of the new album,” you keep your eyes trained on the Ferrari on the screen.

“I have a request from the social media team,” your head turns to look at your boyfriend at the uneasiness in his voice. “They want Oscar and Lando to watch the concert with me, they think,”

“They think it will show team togetherness since you will already be there to watch me,” you sigh, mulling it over. “Fuck. If I say no then it makes me look like an asshole,” your frown deepens at the thought.

“Lando said he will make sure Oscar is gone by the time you get offstage,”

“No, they will want a video or picture of me interacting with them,” you run a hand through your hair and Pato regrets asking on behalf of the team.

“It’s not a big deal if you say no. I can watch from the front row with them and come backstage once you are done. Then the social team still gets what they want,” Pato reassures you with another option.

“Yeah, I think I like that more. Plus, I can sing to you easier that way,” your frown goes away as you lean into him. He removes his hand from yours and wraps his arm around you. “The pass I gave you should let you immediately come backstage, and I’ll have my team inform security to let you through,”

“You are going to kill it, I’m excited to see you onstage,”

“I’m excited too, I can shake off the rust. Oh, and Lando can come backstage with you. Since you introduced him to my music,” Pato lightly groans with embarrassment as you giggle.

“I had no idea you knew him when I told you that! It’s his fault that he didn’t tell me he knew your music,” Pato defends himself.

“Am I too late?” Nolan appears in the doorway, a little out of breath.

“Nolan?” you ask, a little like an excited puppy. You would lay down your life for him, he’s like your baby brother now.

“I couldn’t miss the concert. I tried to be here an hour ago, but the traffic is insane,” he shakes his head as he greets Pato with that weird male handshake.

“Sometimes I think you love Nolan more than me,” Pato says as you hug his teammate.

“I doooo,” you dramatically sway back in forth in the hug.

“I knew it,” Pato shakes his head lovingly. “Oh and surprise. I figured you’d like the extra support,” Pato got your team to give him an extra pass after Nolan dropped some not so subtle hints about wanting to be here.

“Hey Nolan,” Elba returns with a plate of food for you.

“Where’s mine?”

“Um, you can eat later. You aren’t going on stage in a few hours,” Elba waves her brother off.

As every minute in qualifying ticks by you increasingly get both nervous and excited. As Q3 reaches its halfway point, your phone buzzes to summon you away before the crowds start.

“You are going to be amazing, I’ll be front and center,” Pato hugs you, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

“I will be there too,” Nolan interjects.

“I’ll be backstage before the show,” Elba promises. You thank them and head out. You are immediately thrown into warm ups and hair and makeup.

“15 minutes,” the stage manager warns. You check your phone one last time before grabbing your water and heading to the stage.

“Good luck, you got this, you are an icon,” Elba starts to hype you up, and your laugh makes her join your laughter.

“I’m more worried for my fans, they aren’t expecting new music to be performed,” you shake your head as you are directed to a platform.

“You will smash it,” she says as she’s led to the wings. You focus on your breathing and hydration.

The lights go dark and the crowd silences. A cue tells you to start your first surprise. Your voice is alone in the dark as you start singing. You start rising in the darkness during the first gimmie love section of the intro and as soon as the platform locks into place and your beat picks up a golden light flushes the stage. The show’s begun.

Pato soaks in the vision of you up on the stage and how Oscar has to mask his shock. It didn’t take long for Oscar to realize that bad light you paint of him, the opposite of how you’d written him in the past. You send a subtle smile Pato’s way, one he returns as an eager grin.

“Dude, your girlfriend is killing it,” Lando yells over the music. You are currently singing one of your first hits, and the energy is high.

“I want her to adopt me,” Nolan agrees. Even the songs you wrote about Oscar feel directed at Pato now, and that’s a new level of hurt. The final blow comes as you end the show with your newest steamy song, and everyone know who you are singing about and to.

“Holy shit,” Pato says as he listens to your words, he hasn’t heard this one yet and it’s capital H-O-T. You strut upstage, back to the audience as you end the song. During the final word, ‘mine’, you turn your head back to look at the crowd, quickly finding Pato’s eyes and sing the word. The lights go dark, and it’s somehow more electric than your start.

“I’m actually speechless,” Lando says as Nolan grabs Pato’s shoulders, shaking him.

“Dude,” he is practically jumping. “You are her’s and she let everyone know,” Nolan says.

“Imagine having a song like that written for you, that must be so cool. Right, Osc?” Lando turns to his teammate, still mad about the recent facts he learned about. Oscar swallows, nodding.

“Yeah, that certainly seems very cool,” Oscar begrudgingly agrees.

“Mr. O’Ward and guests, your presence is required backstage,” security arrives just as expected. Oscar follows but before they reach you, the group is stopped. They couldn’t just leave him to a crowd of fans.

“Alright guys, smile,” the Mclaren admin takes a quick picture while they wait for you to finish taking off your mic pack and monitors.

Still high off of the performance, you practically jumping into Pato’s arms, not looking at who else was around. Elba trails you, a jacket in hand for when you get cold from your sweat evaporating away.

“You were incredible, mi amor,” he holds you, letting you kiss him, arms around his neck.

“Hey, we get it, the boy is yours. You literally just sang about it,” Lando jokes as you pull away from Pato. The way you two look at each is different than when you and Oscar were together. Fondness? Sure. But the look you and Pato give one another is deeper.

“I would like to bleach my eyes,” Elba agrees.

“Mind if we get a couple photos?” the Mclaren admin asks and your social team also approaches to get some. You stand between Pato and Nolan. Elba is on the other side of Pato, Lando beside Nolan, and Oscar on the other side of Lando.

“I take it you guys liked the show?” you ask, proceeding as if Oscar wasn’t there. The more you act like nothing happened and you don’t know him, the worse he will feel.

“It was incredible,” Nolan answers for the group.

“I’m glad,” you smile tiredly. The physical exhaustion of the performance hitting you. “Thank you guys for coming, I hope you do well tomorrow,” you give Nolan and Lando hugs, offering just a nod to Oscar. Fans know he doesn’t like physical touch like that, so it doesn’t seem abnormal.

Your fingers intertwine with Pato’s as you practically drag him back to your dressing room, locking the door behind you. You plop down into the comfy chair and Pato helps remove your heels.

“I have to admit, a part of me wanted to climb onto that stage and carry you off of it when you were singing to me,” Pato gently massages your calves.

“I wouldn’t have been opposed. Just wait until the album comes out,” your sly grin widens as he stands up and steps closer to you.

“Be careful with what you say, hermosa,” his voice deepens as you tilt your chin up at him.

“I can be quiet. These clothes need to come off anyway,” your breath hitches as he lifts you up, lips crashing together. His hands slide to your back, working your outfit off.

You spend the next few months laying low as you plan a short tour after your album released on Thanksgiving. You even train with Pato. It’s surprising how similar your training is to his and it keeps both of you accountable.

Everything really hits you again the first time you walk the red carpet with Pato. He’s so proud to be at your side, showing you off and supporting you. It’s nothing you’ve ever had before. He’s here when your album isn’t eligible for awards until next year, when you just have to be here for the appearance.

“Thank you for being here,” you whisper in his ear as you sit at a table, tearing up a little as your hands are joined underneath the table.

“Of course I’m here, you support me. I like being your WAG,” Pato turns towards you, feeling as if he is doing the bare minimum. “Amor, I would go anywhere for you, just like you would for me,” he brings your hand up from under the table and kisses your knuckles.

To him, this is just a scratch of the support he wants to provide you. It feels like nothing in comparison to what you’ve done for him. You scheduled a whole tour around the month of May so you could spend it living out of a motorhome with him.

“I love you so much,”

“I love you more.”

#f1 imagines #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #indycar #indycar imagine #pato o’ward x reader #pato o’ward imagine #pato o’ward

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doberbutts · 4 months ago

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So I'm going to ask an honest question here and ask you please explain in layman's terms. Every trans person I know irl has no concept of the transandrophobia discourse but every time I see more of it online I'm...unsettled, and it takes a lot to power through all the terminology.

I initially was really receptive to transandrophobia because the rationale behind being against it sounded stupid and akin to label discourse in the queer community. I saw "being a man is not an axis of oppression therefore you don't get your Own Word" and thought that was pedantic nonsense, that language doesn't need to adhere to that rule, and that it's helpful to have a term designated towards transmasculine experiences so people can find those experiences easier. Not that trans women's experiences aren't also beneficial! But that, well, obviously no matter how similar the experience birds of a feather and that sense of comfort of sharing identity still matters. This is true for other issues of identity too, I find, weather that's a good thing or a bad thing idk, but it is human.

The thing is I follow a lot of transwomen and have been seeing some alarms being raised about the community being formed around this word. You blocked one of the most egregious offenders so I trust you (which is why I'm asking sorry) I've seen a lot of misogyny and essentialism from people using the term "transandrophobia" and more egregiously "transmisandry." Idk your opinion on the latter term (I haven't scrolled down far enough on your blog, sorry if you talked about this before) but to me it's unconscionable. I was taught that transandrophobia existed as a term specifically NOT to use that term, that elevating misandry to a legitimate issue was dangerous for obvious reasons and it was one of the reasons why I was so supportive of transandrophobia. To me, it seemed like an awareness that misogyny was the prevailing issue behind all issues of gender oppression, but when I actually look at the tag I...get uncomfortable.

Blogs I follow have repeatedly been upset at misogyny from this community, and have been using the term "transandrobro" to describe behavior they find akin to cis MRAs. I've truly seen horrible things with hundreds, sometimes thousands of notes to it that do, unfortunately, feel like women are being blamed for the plight of trans men. I've seen cis people say they were originally on MRA reddits and then came to tumblr to "confront the misandry directly" only to wholeheartedly adopt transandrophobia into their worldview. It's hard because I KNOW I shouldn't judge a community based on a few crazies but it truly does feel sometimes like "transandrophobia" gives misogynists a venue to air their woman-hating to an eager audience, kinda like how "Karen" has been co-opted beyond the og meaning of being for racist white woman to any woman being mildly rude.

So like, here it is: can transandrophobia exist without being co-opted by misogynists? Is there a threshold of proliferation for misogynists destroying this word until a new one needs to be made? Or will every word trying to identify the transmasculine experience be inevitably co-opted by misogynists because misogynists are just that powerful, so people should double down harder on the word and work to push misogynists out?

(Also am I going crazy, or did this word a year ago used to have a WAY better community than the one I see nowadays. Back then I could find your blog and really compassionate people easily, and now it's just...bad.)

It is a little hard to understand some of this post but I will do my best to answer what I think is being asked.

To put simply, I think the reason why it was better a year or two ago is because the majority of the people who were actually trying to further the conversation and not just circle jerk in the echo chamber got chased off. Transandrophobia, anti-transmasculinity, transandromisia, transmascphobia... the guys who coined these are largely either not posting at all anymore or post far far less than they used to. They were harassed and the constant exposure to transphobia made them shut down their blogs for their own mental health. Not all of them, but a lot of the so-called "big names" had this happen.

Even I stopped posting for a while and shuttered the doors for a bit outside of a long queue of dog photos because of how much it was affecting my mental health.

In their place remain people who are not committed to the same conversation. Perhaps they are younger, or less familiar with the building blocks of theory that really should be required reading, or are still stuck in their "everything sucks and it's YOUR fault" phase. Maybe they do come from different places, like 4chan or reddit, which are less prone to this sort of discussion. A lot of the original crowd had been on tumblr long enough to remember when we could still edit posts, and I keep seeing people who would have been in elementary school at that time posting to the tag nowadays.

I was discussing this problem on discord with a small group of friends and one of them- a trans fem- called it second wave transandrophobia discourse as a bitter joke. I think she is more right than wrong, regardless.

I'm not sure who you believe I've blocked- in general I don't air out who I block on this blog because at nearly 12k followers there are too many people who would love to dogpile someone for the sin of disagreeing with me and I do my best to prevent that. I don't want anyone to be harassed, after all. There's a lot of assumptions that have been made about my block and follow behavior that vary from "hilarious but untrue" to "outright offensive slander".

People are people, and some people are shitheads. Trans mascs and people who want to support trans mascs are not exempt from that. I say this all the time- Kayne West is objectively a shitty person but his existence doesn't prove the concept of antiblackness to be a myth. Caitlyn Jenner is objectively a shitty person but her existence doesn't prove the concept of transmisogyny to be a myth. So why do shitty trans mascs prove our own theory to be dangerous or nonexistent? Why hold us to a higher standard than any other marginalized group?

I could ask you the same question- there are posts on here with hundreds, sometimes thousands, of notes made by trans fems and cis women who blame their problems with transmisogyny on trans mascs. There are people coming from reddit, Twitter, 4chan who are being actively transphobic and misogynistic and claiming they're doing it for the good of transfeminism. There are posts filled with misogyny and bioessentialism and gender essentialism and even interphobia and racism and transphobia being left completely unchecked. Do you think it would be acceptable for me to ask if that means transmisogyny theory should be abandoned or if we should just accept that it will draw people with bad intentions?

Or do you think the better answer is to focus instead on finding those with a good head on their shoulders, and making sure it's them who has their voice heard? Do you think we should maybe not judge entire demographics because there exists some shitty people who claim the same identity?

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gemmahale · 5 months ago

Text

Ficbook.net and Unauthorized Translations - An Update

Update to the update: some of the fics have been removed! 🎉 This happened before I finished this write-up even!

You may have seen this post last night about some CoD X Reader fics having unauthorized translations posted to the Russian site ficbook.net. @karlachismylife was monumental in helping me understand what's going on, and there's some explanation in that link from her POV as well.

Basically - multiple people have copied and translated fanfics into Russian and hosted them on ficbook.net. They're rough translations, some going as far as to use literal translations for turns of phrase. Most likely, they were run through a translation software (Google Translate or similar) and then roughly edited. (Juju mentioned that there is a subset of jobs in Russia where that is your job description. 😖)

Most of them have come from Tumblr posts, some from AO3. Very few had attribution beyond "tagging" the original author. (Aka - no consent was given for these translations.)

@syoddeye took the time to compile a list found here (google sheet). At the time of writing, 65 fics CoD x Reader fics were found - we know there's more but we only have so many knives in a day. (Sy did not look into slash fics either.)

Authors that have been tagged in the comments: I'm sorry you found out this way. I wanted to tell you in person, but given Tumblr's likelihood of thinking I was spamming you, I felt that this was the best option to alert you, provide you with options, and let you determine how you wish to move forward.

So what can be done?

If you already have an account, please report the fics! I'm told that spamming reports gets it taken down. Also consider messaging the author and ask them to remove them - they do not have the author's consent to publish them.

If you want to make an account and report the linked fics, you can. I have chosen not to, because I don't want to give Ficbook any extra support I otherwise might by doing so (clicks, ad views, account numbers).

If the author does not have closed comments (or you have an account), you can leave a comment on the fic.

Russian: Автор оригинала лично подтвердил, что не давал разрешения на перевод и публикацию. English: Author of the work personally confirmed that they did not give permission to translate and publish.

Finally - check in on your author friends that are on that list. It's devastating to find out your work has been plagiarized, translated and hosted somewhere else without your consent. Reblog their work, share comments, hype them up!

A couple of notes: (Juju correct me if I've fucked any of this up 💚)

The posters are likely not making money off the unauthorized translations. The website and their owners definitely are (ads, "premium features", promotion tools, etc.)

Ficbook.net is the biggest Russian language fanfiction platform - somewhat akin to AO3, but it doesn't have a great reputation within Russian circles because of the stealing and underhanded practices the owners use.

AO3 is banned in Russia, and Tumblr is one of the few places Russians can easily (aka without VPNs and Mirrors) read English version of fanfic.

CoD isn't the only fandom affected - there are dozens that have more posted, and we only scratched the surface in our list.

Finally, if you want to translate works, TALK TO THE AUTHOR. A lot of folks don't like having their work shared without their consent. Even if you feel like you are doing a good thing spreading it to a wider audience, YOU NEED THE AUTHOR'S CONSENT. If they've deleted their presence and their stories from hosting sites (tumblr, AO3, etc) - you don't get to pretend you're doing them a favor by reposting them. Respect their decisions.

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causticsodaa · 4 months ago

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Sakura is an unintentional trigger for Togame’s development, but not the sole cause

In fact, it’s mainly Togame himself who inadvertently kickstarts his own change.

During the beginning of their fight, Sakura doesn’t make much of an effort to understand Togame (effectively disregarding Ume’s advice); to him, Togame is just a low-life loser who likes to pick on other people for the sake of it.

But when Togame says these particular words, it awakens something in Sakura—it’s stricken his nerves, and it reminds him all too much of his past. Sakura doesn’t want to be alone again, not when he’s found a place with the strong.

Because of this, Sakura starts to project his own personal feelings onto Togame. This will be a recurring theme throughout their fight.

Alongside the personal tangent, Sakura also agrees with Togame. Although, I speculate that Togame is just parroting Choji’s own beliefs on power (ie. strength = freedom, power solidarity and weak = shackled, useless, alone), and Sakura and Choji already share many parallels.

Sakura then proceeds to insult Shishitoren’s principles, criticizing Togame’s hypocrisy as well;

Which then leads to Togame snapping and saying this:

And Togame’s right. Sakura is an outsider; he knows nothing about Shishitoren, nor their background or it’s inner workings. Of course he’d get mad at the ‘cocky brat’ he’s facing is spewing things he doesn’t know, not when Togame cherished Shishitoren so much.

However, the fact that Sakura shares his own perspective as an outsider manages to work in Togame’s favor later on. Particularly within the next moment:

Before Sakura’s claim, Togame had no idea about Arima, Kanuma and Saruwatari picking on Sasaki, which caused Furin to get involved in the first place. Although Shishitoren was having internal problems, externalizing weakness (as bullying is commonly attributed to) on outsiders surely wouldn’t abide well with Shishitoren’s principles.

The next following moments where Togame beats Arima and Kanuma recontextualizes his character for both the audience and Sakura.

Togame showing slivers of compassion behind his intimidating exterior is further shown with how he approaches Sakura after this.

Even though Togame had brutually beaten one of his own, the intent behind it is much more understandable this time. Compared to when he hit Saruwatari during Shishitoren and Furin’s confrontation, there is much more context and reason for his ‘cruelty’, and his entire demeanor changes. He’s drawn in a more sympathetic light as well, having a much more ‘softer’ (as compared to his terrifying glares before) expression on his face while extending his arms out to Sakura—even going as far to apologize to Sakura when he’s done nothing but exchange aggressive quips with him up to that point.

Sakura is, understandably, confused by this. Because how could such a scummy guy switch up this quickly?

This prompts him to ask this question when he realizes that Togame isn’t fighting as earnestly as before, with the intent of wanting to understand him this time. Sakura clearly sees the change in him here.

But Togame doesn’t answer his question head on. In fact, he asks himself the same question.

By this point in time, the audience is shown Choji and Togame’s backstory, which recontextualizes Togames character COMPLETELY.

Every moment we’ve seen of him finally has some sort of substance. All he wants to do is protect Choji and Shishitoren, even if he has to play the bad guy for their sake.

Togame deeply treasures Choji, and he is easily influenced by him (given the power explanation he told Sakura earlier). He would do anything for him, because he was the one who has given Togame a place to belong when he had barely anyone in the past.

His cruel front is even shown with his design. Togame braids his hair which shows how he’s tied to Shishitoren. He also wears sunglasses to show how blind he is to how wrong Choji’s actions truly are (which is ironic, because sunglasses are meant to protect you from the sun). Sure, he knows that it’s all wrong, but his care and love for Choji as well as his desire to protect Shishitoren overturns his gut feeling—so he decides to do the dirty work for Choji, enabling him.

Because the sun must be loved by everybody, right? Togame is his second in command, he can’t afford to let himself be burned by Choji, much less have to leave the family he’s grown to love so much. He’s too in deep into the façade he’s had to put up now; he can’t stop even though its wrong—not until Sakura comes into the picture and makes him truly realize this, of course. (I’m just realizing that part this sounds too biased, but I want to emphasize how important Choji is to Togame in this section only because I cant fit it anywhere else please believe me)

Choji is the one person that has had the biggest impact on Togame in the long-term. Everything that Togame has done was for Choji.

But back to Sakura: he too impacts Togame, though on a more smaller scale. He is the catalyst that causes Togame to self-reflect; because it was him who felt so uneasy about Shishitoren’s changes.

Togame comes to this realization himself: Shsihitoren isn’t a bully club. Each of it’s members and the group as a whole has its own morals.

Yet, Sakura continues to retaliate.

Once again, Sakura is projecting his own personal feelings here. Though he addresses Togame’s true character and his faults, he immediately tries to hold Togame to his own standards (much like Suo does with his opponents): he needs to be ‘cool’, so Sakura would want to fight him. He’s indirectly telling Togame to not be a lowlife.

Togame calls Sakura selfish at that, which is an understandable sentiment because it’s Sakura’s own feelings, but he does end up following through his request during Noroshi, not only for Sakura, but for himself too.

Sakura continues to project his own personal feelings. At this point, his dialogue doesn’t have much to do with Togame—it’s about Sakura’s own beliefs now.

And it’s with an outsiders perspective that Togame properly realizes the errors of his ways.

He decides to take Sakura seriously, but ultimately lets him win at the end. Although Sakura technically didn’t win due to Togame’s concession, his views have won over Togame’s own; which is why he thanks Sakura at the end, despite the latter not directly trying to help him see the error of his ways, (unlike Ume who knew Choji prior and intentionally helped him realize his wrongdoings during their fight) going on personal tangents throughout their battle instead.

TLDR; Togame’s development during Shishitoren is mainly achieved by his own self-reflection. Sakura enables him to change himself, though indirectly and not with the intent of helping Togame as he is unaware of Shishitoren’s background and his need to protect Choji.

I wish I could’ve made this post longer as I believe there is much more to be said for Togame as a character and his relationships with Choji/Sakura/Shishitoren, but Tumblr won't let me embed any more images. Sigh.

#wind breaker #wind breaker manga #wbk #wbk analysis #togame jo #jo togame #sakura haruka #haruka sakura

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hazelfoureyes · 7 months ago

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Coven: @fraugwinska @minkdelovely @sugoi-writes @macabr3-barbi3 @synamartia (banners by Syn!)

Masterlist for Kinktober (Thank you Syn!)

Kinktober 2024 - Day 19 - Cuckolding

Alastor fucks Lucifer’s wife and Lucifer isn’t as mad as he thought he’d be about that.

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷

「warnings/promises: Alastor x AFAB!Reader, breathplay, breeding kink if you truly look in your heart, cuckolding the king of hell is a bold strategy cotton let’s see if it pays off for him, creampie, cock too big but Alastor is ambitious and indifferent」

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷

MDNI 🦌 🚗

Alastor was already rubbing his cock length between your wet folds when Lucifer walked in the room. The king stopped, in obvious shock, to see his daughter’s hotelier fucking his wife. Well, about to fuck his wife.

He opened his mouth to speak but his attempt to say your name was drowned out by you moaning Alastor.

Alastor looked up, locking eyes with his sovereign as the shorter man seemed torn between coming in and retreating. The sound of your voice was candied; sweet and crisp. For some odd reason, he felt like he was intruding on your pleasure. Not that you could see your husband, the door was to the right and behind the large four post bed and taken out of your view entirely by a small enclave.

He’d expected his majesty to show up, but more towards the end. What was the point of fucking his wife if he didn’t get to feel Lucifer’s rage and humiliation over it?

A wicked grin spread on the radio demon’s face, one hidden from you as your eyes were clenched. He wasn’t terrible at improv, he could give it a whirl for the early audience. Your senses focused on the feeling of his heated member, cockhead catching on your clitoral hood as he ran it up and down slowly. It had all happened so fast that you didn’t stop to consider what you were doing.

Everyone was drinking and dancing and partying, then Alastor was beside you. There was no sudden shift to blame. He took you for a spin around the room, and he said some funny things about the hotel, some sly things about upgrading wives, and then… a dark chuckle, warm breath on your neck, a proposal and now you were on your back in your marital bed.

Lucifer had always allowed you freedom to be with who you wanted, no restrictions to your pleasure nor to his. But, everyone knew how poorly he got on with Alastor. The image of his face screwed up and a fake smile twitching, sputtering out nervous noises of confusion floated to the surface of your mind.

“Is this why I was summoned here tonight, my queen? To service you?” Alastor’s voice was low, but not quiet. It dispelled your husband's visage and roused you to open your eyes. Your response was a whimper, his own reply was a distant and nearly cruel laugh echoing off the walls.

You wouldn’t lie—- he’d caught your eye some time ago. Who didn’t like the hard to get? Though this had proven much easier than you’d anticipated.

Lucifer took a step forward into the room, a glare that threatened Alastor’s very soul made the sinner shiver. Alastor understood quite well he was most likely going to die a second, more permanent death. Why not put on a show as he went out?

You gasped, hands gripping into the bedding, as Alastor began to press into you. He’d been teasing you for just a few minutes.

Lucifer froze.

“Does it hurt?” He asked, and you nodded. You were wet and your pussy was willing, but his cock head was thick. The end was blunt, forcing your entrance to bend and stretch. “If only I had more time to prepare you… you’ll have to invite me again to the palace.” His hips moved and you gritted your teeth. “I promise it’ll be worth the pain, sweetheart.”

He hadn’t asked you if you needed him to stop, but you nodded again in understanding. The thin skin beneath your hole felt sure to tear as he demanded a wider entrance, but the ache for him deep in your cunt was overpowering the instinct to pull from the pain. So far.

Lucifer felt himself lean back before he thought to do it, shoulder slightly knocking into the door and startling him. He could see Alastor’s cock suddenly lose length as his head popped in. The hate in his heart was being suffocated by the spark just south of his belt. Every ounce of outrage outweighed by the heavy sounds of your excited breathing. You whimpered, legs clamoring up and a foot coming to press into Alastor’s lower stomach.

“None of that, dear.” His large hand wrapped around your ankle and lifted your leg up, resting it on his shoulder. The tension of your muscles made it hard to pull it back to yourself, causing you to be spread even wider for him.

Regardless of how slick his head was, slit leaking excitedly into you already, he still grated against your insides. Precum meant nothing when his flesh was pushing up and out so harshly against your own walls. Until your body accommodated his girth, the experience felt closer to your first time than a quickie with the famed demon.

Lucifer saw the moment Alastor’s head and glands bullied past your g-spot, your thighs and stomach visibly tensing. The feeling of him pressing in and then releasing your inner spot was one that made your body feel weak from the core out.

Your breath hitched, “Ah- Alastor. Slower.” Your hands stretched to touch his knees and grip, but he just hummed, disembodied radio studio audience cooing at your pathetic request. He did not slow down. The advancing length continued to push you apart.

Upsettingly, Lucifer found your noises stirring his own arousal noises more and more. Alastor’s attention flitted back to Lucifer, eyes meeting his before drifting down to the prominent bulge forming as his cock tried to straighten itself upright inside the confines of his tight, ridiculous circus master pants. He offered a smile to his king before snapping his hips forward. His balls pressed into the soft round flesh of your ass as he dug himself as deeply as he could reach.

When you let out a small yelp and tried to scurry up the bed, Lucifer’s hand came to adjust his erection in his pants. Lingering, his fingers traced the outline of his manhood as he listened to your whine melt into a soft moan. Your vocal responses to sex always spurred him into a frenzy, though usually he was the one making you whimper. His cock didn’t know that though, it just knew you were feeling good. Very good, by the sounds of it.

You held your breath as he pulled out halfway and slowly returned to your heat. He was churning up your insides, trying to elicit more of your own fluids to lubricate him. Alastor could feel he was snug in you, your walls writhing around him as you twitched at the intrusion.

A few more testing thrusts before Alastor pulled out to the very tip and began to fuck you proper. Your hole didn’t appreciate the repeated burn of his glands popping out and pushing back in, but knowing he was fucking you wider around him just made you fall deeper into the blind fog of lust. Lucifer was always so gentle, even when he was rough. But somehow Alastor’s most tender touches were still harsh.

You were entirely unaware of your husband some meters behind you, palm rubbing his cock through his pants to the pace of Alastor’s thrusts.

“How are you feeling?” He leaned up and over, body bending unnaturally as his spine curved. Your mouth hung open, body slack with occasional jolts of pleasure. It wasn’t right, he needed you seizing and tense, “Tell me what you need.” If he couldn’t make you a shuddering mess begging for him then he was really just wasting his time. He wanted the king of hell to feel inferior. This happened to be one of the best ways to manage that.

Lucifer knew what you needed, because he often found himself helping you along with firm hands.

You were too scared to ask, instead putting a hand on your throat and gently squeezing.

“Ooh, look at you! Who knew the queen of hell enjoyed breathplay? I am happy to oblige you.” A hand several times larger than your husband’s rested on your throat, long fingers curling as he tightened in slow increment. You moaned when the pressure was perfect, and he stopped the increasing vice.

Your hips lifted slightly, chasing the feeling of his pelvis hitting against your clit.

His body covered yours entirely, your own bent in half as he used your legs for both support and grip. Lucifer’s hand scraped against his belt as he shoved it into his pants to get contact with his now pulsing member. Your eyes were watering, mouth open and pleasured noises spilling from you with every move of your illicit lover’s body. The roll of his hips coaxed more and more of your fluids to leak and gather on his cock.

“Look how wet you are, does the king not take care of you? My my, even the bedding is soaked.” He said it to you, but his eyes were peering through his sweat-dampened hair to Lucifer, now fully resting against the door as he stroked himself under his clothes.

Finally properly covered in your arousal, Alastor was gliding through you. Every time his head hit your cervix and bottomed out, a small jolt of pain shot up your womb and stomach. He couldn’t fit himself entirely in without making your cervix bow against him. However he still did, shoving the rest of himself in randomly to get fully sheathed in your pussy every few times he fucked into you.

There was some form of disinterest in your discomfort that made the situation even more arousing. Alastor only cared for your pleasure, he didn’t seem bothered at all with how much your body struggled to accommodate him while receiving that pleasure.

Neither did you, though.

“Harder.” You choked out. Lucifer had to bite his bottom lip and still his hand to keep from moaning wantonly and breaking the illusion of privacy you and Alastor were in.

Alastor chuckled again, the laugh trailing off high and wicked with a flourish of stations flipping through static. He leaned back, taking both legs by the knees and hooking them at the junction of his arms to pull you into his lap every time he thrusted forward. Effortlessly he jerked your body to meet his demanding pace.

“How is that, my queen?” Panted through groans, Alastor finding it hard to keep composure when you were so shockingly needy. He could nearly forget Lucifer was against the far wall, fucking into his own fist. But not quite. “You’re so tight, I’m sure our majesty will feel my absence the next time he fucks you.” He said it purely for your husband’s displeasure.

The tension was ratcheting, the quick pace and occasional knock against your womb pulled long cries from you that stole your senses and any concerns about embarrassment. He was deeper in you than felt right, and you wanted him to fuck you until you were changed to fit him perfectly.

You flinched, Alastor’s hand coming to stroke the black swirl of lines vaguely forming a heart (or was that an apple?) above your womb. “Is this the famed marking?” Tears streamed down from your eyes and tickled your ears. “The gift of fertility from your betrothed?” A silent scream pulled your body taut, orgasm so close you were scared to breathe and lose it. “I know it’s made just for him, but don’t blame me for trying.”

Releasing your legs, he pinned you under the full weight of his body. His elbows rested just above and to the sides of your head as his long thrusts now became short and deep. No longer was he teasing your body with part of his length but now burying it into you. Alastor was chasing his own release, sensitive and weeping slit of his cock smashing into the obstinate entrance of your womb.

You came with a broken scream, cervix lowering to receive the seed of your lover regardless of vows as your walls worked in tandem to coax his cock to breed you.

Lucifer could relax and let himself cum to the sounds of Alastor’s pistoning member without fear, his mark only allowing you to truly receive his seed. He shuddered, body falling forward as he let his mind focus on the sounds of the room. Tight balls smacking into you and popping as they stuck to the thick slick coating your inner thighs and dripping down your cheeks. Your screams broke and devolved into wails and pleading, wordless begging for something– more, less, slower, deeper, it was unclear but you didn’t protest when Alastor quickened.

He leaned his head back in time to watch Alastor’s hips press once, then twice and drive your body into the mattress. He could see the back of Alastor’s thighs twitching and tensing as his cock was surely pulsing shots of his hot semen into your hungry womb. The smallest flicker of worry about the failsafes of his magical mark appeared as he saw Alastor give your cunt another deep push before quickly pulling out with an audible pop of your body separating from his.

You flinched again at the sudden loss, feeling something warm and thick threatening to leak out from your stretched and sore entrance.

“Quite the hostess, I have to say.” His finger pushed his cum back in. His other hand slipped up and over the marking with a ghost of reverence at the power therein before his presence entirely left the bed. “Lovely party, dear! Do invite me over again soon.” With a snap his pants were back on and shirt neatly buttoned.

As he approached Lucifer, still recovering in the shadows of the room’s entrance, he couldn’t contain his grin. Lucifer didn’t miss the way the sinner’s eyes shot to his hand and disheveled pants before returning to his flushed face.

Alastor’s own, still wet with the mix of you and him, came to touch and then swipe across the king’s chest as he slipped through the still open door, “Absolutely lovely.”

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ⋆Masterlist.ೃ࿔*:･

˖ ݁𖥔.Summoning the Horny Little Deer Cult.𖥔 ݁ ˖

@eris-norwega @reath-solia @catticora , @angelicribbons , @xalygatorx

@cxrsedwxrlds , @nonetheartist , @tsunaki , @janchei , @moonmark98

, @readergirlstuff , @berry-demon , @chirimeimei , @fairyv-ice , @olive-frog ,

@thonethatflies620 , @tiredkiwiii , @ilikemyteawithmilk , @whateverlololo , @psipies

@howabouticallyou , @roxxie-wolf , @fizzled-phoenix , @star-kujo-platinum

, @a-case-of-attachment, @multifandomfanatic02 @watereddownmilk , @bontensbabygirl @smoky000

@hoebihoeshi , @pansexual-opera-house , @polytheatrix , @lorddiabigmommymilkers , @backinthefkingbuildingagain

@harley2223-blog , @poinappel , @midnightnoiserose , @spookieroz , @missmidorima ,

@ivebeenthearchersstuff , @downbadforfictionalppl , @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx , @sleepylittledemon , @aether-th3-enby

@dontfuckbutimfab @breathlessaura , @aperfectidiot , @certainlygay , @jth12

#And then Luci ate out reader #the end #hazbin hotel #alastor x reader #hazbin hotel smut #kinktober 2024 #coven kinktober

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celestie0 · 7 months ago

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hi friends, i won’t be posting or updating any of my works for an indefinite period n will be on hiatus from this blog as well.

i’ve unlisted kickoff & ihm on ao3 (haven’t deleted, they’ve just been made private) and i’ve unpinned my masterlist here on tumblr (again nothing’s been deleted so you could probably find the chapters if you searched my tags)

but the reason i did that is because i don’t want any new readers finding my works during my hiatus because i don’t want to potentially upset more people in the event that, during this hiatus, i decide that i would no longer like to write my fics

that would be an insanely sad decision to make. i put so much thought into my stories not because i am trying to make them entertaining, but it’s because they genuinely mean so much to me and are cathartic in ways i can’t describe. i have spent a great majority of my life self negating for the sake of others, and so writing was just a form of expression where i could talk about all the things i’ve suppressed over the years - anxiety, career stress, financial stress, avoidance, depression, loss, coming of age, navigating love, etc

but lately, and i do think it’s been a build up of just some careless words from a handful of people over the months, i find myself steering towards a practice of writing that is no longer asking the question “how can i put as much of myself in this piece as possible?” but rather “how can i make sure people won’t criticize this…i feel awful that it doesn’t have what they want it to have…other creators are doing xyz, should i be doing that too?…i’m just scared to share this”

not exactly sure when that shift in headspace began, but as of right now, it’s as strong as ever. and i understand that those questions may seem irrational, and i just have to try to not focus on the feeling, n i wish i was someone that could compartmentalize those thoughts better, but here’s the thing — the whole reason i started expressing myself through writing in the first place was because i’ve spent my whole life compartmentalizing. it would feel so ironic & untrue to the lessons i’ve learned in this journey if i just chose to “suck this up” and continue pushing forward until i reach a point of burnout simply because i don’t want to upset anyone

i’m really sorry i couldn’t focus on the positive. especially with all the insane n incredible amount of love n support i’ve received for my works. i’ve said this time n time again but when i started posting kickoff to ao3 back in january of this year, i had NO idea it would be this loved by so many people…i was like ok can’t wait to interact w these four readers for the rest of the year…and then BAM, i find myself fully sobbing after each chapter update because i was so touched by all the sweet n kind words. i don’t want this decision to come off in a way that makes it seems like i don’t love u guys sm or that i’m ungrateful — i’ve always taken pride in respecting my audience. even for a simple hobby, i try to put effort into my works. i proofread, i plan out, i edit in length, all because i am, well, for one, i’m a bit of a perfectionist LOL but also i think there’s a great deal of honor in respecting an audience that gives you their time n attention

but i already am struggling in my life to focus on the positive. medicine has been such an incredibly daunting career to pursue, i’m honestly only doing slightly better now because i’m just filled with relief that i got into med school to begin with lol it’s still surreal to me, so the stress has been kinda manageable so far on that sense of optimism, but dear god the shit i went through to get here…and the shit i know i still face ahead of me. i spend all of my serotonin on trying to stay positive in the face of my responsibilities. so all of this time i’ve spent trying to stay positive for the sake of my stories too has just left me with so much exhaustion — i just don’t see why posting my works should be anything less than fun and endlessly exciting when it’s a hobby that’s supposed to help me thru the actual brunt of life.

anyways, i’m getting a little carried away here. all this to say, i just need to take time away from posting my works so i can see writing as something for myself n not for others again. i don’t want the thoughts swimming in my head to be thoughts of anxiety over people potentially criticizing me n my creative decisions. i want the thoughts in my head to once again be positive, excited, and nurturing towards my stories. i don’t see how i can accomplish that at this point unless i start writing for myself once more, and not for others

i still have a great deal of passion to write, which is why i haven’t formally taken down my works. i anticipate that i may be able to come back in the future to share my writing again. but as of right now, i just want to heal the relationship that i have with this hobby, and i feel like that’s gotta happen in private (lmfao it sounds like im tryna freak my writing)

i’m sorry that i turned off my asks n my replies, i know so many of u care about me n want to support me n i just am beyond thankful. i don’t anticipate this is a forever goodbye, but i do just need some time rn away from all of this.

hope u all have a happy time!! and take care of yourselves :) much love

- ellie

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badlywritingmagazine · 8 months ago

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Wanna help a by-and-for transfem journal?

Wanna get involved?

Thank you everyone for your interest so far! If you have a sec, I’ve written a quick post about a few ways you can help.

Lili Elbe, painted by Szív királynő, serving “journal reader” realness Do you have trans female mates?

Let your girl friends know. Share it amongst your networks.

Can you read?

Wonderful. Subscribe to this substack to be notified when an issue is released.

Can you think?

If you’re a trans woman and you have feelings about something, send it to us. If you’re developing an idea, come chat with us over email (or arrange a phone call) and let’s figure it out together.

Do you sell books and zines?

Wonderful. Email me. Stock it. Perfect. I can also send you a poster version of our invitation to submit to print out.

Have you written?

If you’re a trans woman who writes about things relevant to our lives, send it to me. If it is online and you worry that it won’t stay up forever, it’s affecting your job and life prospects, or that it is a reflection of its time and not 100% wise anymore, send it to me and get it archived. Archiving is part of the goal here. We’re not uncurated, but that doesn’t mean you should shrug and let the internet, time, transmisogyny and linkrot eat your hard work.

If you’re a trans woman with jobs and obligations and you don’t like having your essay ‘Why dickgirls should commit more assassinations’ or ‘transgender materialism: towards a de/coterminous understanding of post tipping point transmisogyny’ or whatever attached to your name then send it to me and get it re/published under a pseudonym.

If we get a large number of submissions like this we will publish it as a separate supplement, but else it will come as a section within WBM.

Do you know grants?

Rates for unfunded zines and pamphlets suck. We want to pay the women well. Let us know if you know of funds or grants you think we fall under. We’ll be sending off applications.

Can you help us host a launch party in a major city?

We envision low-cost evening events with discussion, trans women, and piles and piles of essays to talk about. (Can we crash on your couch?) We’re based in the UK, but are happy to come anywhere Ryanair goes where there’s a willing audience.

Got an idea I don’t have?

Ultimately, I want to keep this dirt simple. Essays come in, paper goes out. No columns, shite graphics. Couple core editors. Schedules loose enough to spend half the year depressed and still get it out. Stolen printer paper. Something that won’t collapse after two years. Posterity.

That said, if you have an idea (and maybe if you want to do it), email us. Think you know enough people to get this translated and shipped somewhere else? Can you translate and know of a non-English language transfeminist text that’s not got much attention in the anglosphere? Maybe we can submit an application for a grant and distribute your translation? Understand distribution better than me? Do you have the wherewithal to manage a personals board? Something else? Anything except an agony aunt section. I’ve called dibs on that one.

Do you have agonies? Issues? Want bad advice?

Write to the agony aunt. writingbadlymag snail symbol gmail dot com.

Do you have something to say which won't make a whole essay but is still worth saying?

Write a letter to the editor. Same email.

Addendum: Can you help us set up a website?

Websites we think are beautiful are dirt simple. Low-tech Magazine has a beautiful low-energy website. Filmmaker Margot McEwan has a lovely fitting website. Any thoughts or suggestions should be sent to the same email.

(update: we're all set now! Check out badly.press!)

See a good stack cutter?

If you see a cheap paper stack cutter for cheap, let me know. :)

Thanks all!

Forthcoming posts: information for writers, extracts from the issue.

#transfeminism

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piracytheorist · 8 months ago

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Twilight Eyes Project: "Secure a Wife" (part 2)

First part here

Naturally, "Twilight eyes" stay on during his side mission with Franky. Then he bursts into Camilla's party, wounded and disoriented enough to mess up his introduction.

And thus... slightly different expressions from manga to anime.

In the manga, it's full-on Twilight eyes. Brow going downward to the center, focused and narrowed eyes. The anime has the first two, though as of focused eyes... they make use of animation to show he's so shaken he can't focus his eyes on one place. His slip-up does look funnier when he's trying to present himself as Very Put Together™ as he does in the manga, but I think it's funny either way. Also, I appreciate the small extra whump bone from the anime.

Continuing on the humorous aspect, he switches all the way to reassuring Loid eyes as he tells everyone how absolutely, definitely normal his situation is. No biggie. Just a head flesh wound. He sleeps those right off.

"Loid eyes" stay on as he continues his ploy. Nothing to see here, please continue, are you having fun, my dear wife whom I definitely did not meet just a couple days ago?

Those eyes keep up until Camilla tries to embarrass Yor in front of everyone with details about her "past job"... and here goes.

Loid eyes. He will show everyone how proud he is of his wife.

But then, slowly, his eyes don't look so strained anymore...

... until they're outright sad eyes.

The direct proof (along with the short flashback) that what Twilight says there is the truth for him: he doesn't judge Yor, instead, he honestly supports and praises her for her dedication and her strength.

And when he finishes his praise, he looks towards the others... and the audience doesn't get to see his eyes.

Yor does.

And the truth she sees in his eyes is enough to not only bring tears to her eyes, but to also stay with her and give her strength multiple chapters/episodes later.

This smile isn't the one he actually gave her. But it's the one she remembers.

(Wrong angle in the anime, but we can forgive that)

They leave Camilla's party, get attacked by the smuggling ring, Twilight knocks a few of them out and tells Yor to run for it, Twilight eyes on as he keeps himself alert for any possible attack.

Yor voices her worries about the well-being of his "patients"... and what else can he do but put on the Loid eyes. Which I'm actually sure weren't necessary with her, lol.

Unstoppable force (Yor believing everything she sees and hears) meets immovable object (Twilight suspecting everything and everyone).

Subtle Twilight eyes as he starts to question... well, his own judgment, at this point 😆

They get attacked, and Yor kicks a guy into another dimension before he can hurt Loid. And!

I would just really like to know what his thought process here was. This look is on the verge between "Loid eyes" and "real eyes". But this next panel/shot feels like it's closer to "real eyes".

He was actually amused by how far she kicked that guy, huh 😆

They kick a few more guys' asses, then Yor drops the "why don't we get married" question. Twilight is, understandably, shocked and confused. It's actually something he'd planned for, but it came unexpectedly and just so freely and willingly from Yor.

When his mind picks up from the shock, he puts on the thought process.

And we get investigative eyes.

Twilight accepts, gives her the best marriage proposal to ever grace a screen, starts with Loid voice for "Even in sickness, or in sadness," and switches to Twilight voice for "No matter what hardships await us, let us be there for each other."

Twilight eyes as he finishes his vows,

And... this, as he thinks "Until my mission do us part"

I want to make it clear that I completely doubt he'd already grown any feelings for Yor already. Probably the only thing he'd feel for her at that point was that he sympathized with her mental fortitude and willingness to sacrifice herself in order to protect and support someone she cared about. The pleasant face he has at the end could be merely his expression of relief that the mission was going smoothly.

But then, isn't that what becomes the foundation of the feelings he'll grow later? The relief that she is the kind of person who will protect the peace he fights so hard to maintain himself? A relief that will grow strong enough to lead him into revealing true parts of himself to her?

There's definitely a lot to take away just from the way Twilight's eyes are drawn, in any case.

(anime only fan here, don't spoil me for the manga)

#Spy x Family #Loid Forger #sxf meta #sxf tep #blood tw

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allgoldenelite · 2 months ago

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Late as hell because I wasn't online when it happened, but here's why Taichi vs ZSJ from the NJC on 3/15 is so devastating. I'm very normal about this match. I'm normal about these two men and I can be trusted around matches where they're in the same ring /s.

Long so it goes after the cut.

(Btw I will say this here once but it goes for the entire post so please keep it in mind: it's irrelevant to me what's work or what's shoot. At the end of the day this is an art form, so if it was said in a tweet or on stream or backstage I'm taking it as absolute truth for the characters. If it made you feel something it's real enough, the rest is just a footnote.)

So, the mise-en-scène is that everything fucking sucks. Suzuki-gun is no more, Dangerous Tekkers are no more, Taichi was just hanging out with a literal pack of Just Some Guys in a casual work only relationship so that he can avoid getting hurt again, and yet he still gets hurt (btw you will burn in hell for this, Sanada). Sana-yan and Taichi go way, way back, so this latest betrayal brought to you by Action Comics The Amazing Always Lose Everything-man hurts especially deep and sharp. On stream he's been wondering, does this promotion even still need me? Does the wrestling business even still need me? Things are fucked, there's a reason he abandoned love, you know the spiel by now.

This is how we go into the NJC. I don't know about you, but when the participants and rounds got announced, personally I wasn't feeling particularly enthusiastic. Last year Tekkers didn't meet for their fated matchup, and this year it seemed even more unlikely as I assumed the Kidd push would continue (thanks, Kenny /s). But that's not how it went. Of course Zack wins his match, but in a surprising turn of events, so does Taichi. It's via count-out, but he wins nonetheless. Thus he will meet Zack on 3/15, with a preview tag set for 3/14.

He's absolutely miserable about it. He's so frustrated at the repeated interferences, the repeated setbacks, his own shortcomings, his lack of tangible achievements, but he's especially sad and embittered about the way this all came together. On stream he says that him and Zack have been wishing and waiting for a singles match ever since Suzuki-gun disbanded. Understandably, Taichi wanted it to be a big deal. So much does even the chance for matchup mean to him that anything but the main event of a big show is unacceptable. The way he got here makes him feel wretched. Wretched in front of himself, and wretched in front of Zack. Backstage he asks the cameras, and thus us, the audience, as well as the company, how the hell he's supposed to stand across from Zack and look him in the eyes. He, who has nothing to show for it. He's here by sheer luck. Even before the Kidd match he already sits awake all night, feeling awful. Even when Zack had the World belt, Taichi wanted to win the Global first so he could face Zack on somewhat equal footing. He even contemplates just withdrawing from the tournament altogether. It means that much to him.

What about Zack? Of course he's also distraught and irate deep down, but where Zack and Taichi differ in this, is that Zack has a clear goal: his goal is to motivate Taichi to come out of his moping shell. So yeah, it wasn't what they had wished for, but they can, as he says, control what they can control. We don't know what exactly they talked about as they find each other beneath the apron after the preview tag, heatedly making eye contact like two lovers outside a club in the morning hours, as far as they are concerned the only people in a ten mile radius. But we know that it resonated with Taichi, and he recounts some of it on stream. That this is still, in spite of everything, their match. It's only about how wins or loses (and not-so-secretly Zack is hoping Taichi wins, because he wants to see him at the top of that mountain where he knows he belongs). They'll wrestle this for themselves. It's fate. They're the best, they'll steal the show. "He said to me, 'How long have we waited for this match? How many years? Not the fans, not the company, how much have we waited? That's what matters most'." Zack knows it, and so does Taichi, even if he still claims his lack of talent and accolades is the reason it never happened sooner.

And backstage on 3/14 Zack practically yells at Taichi to wake up, shake off the misery and face him in the ring with all he's got. Because it also means that much to him. It's tough love, but it's love. "I will force the Taichi that I know, the man who should've already been a main eventer a decade ago. The only person that doubts you, Taichi, is yourself."

That tough love goes a long way, because once Taichi sees said comments, he's struck to his core. Who has ever treated him that way? "For as long as I live I will be proud of having tagged with you and having won the Best Tag Team Award." If you got some déjà-vu, it's because Taichi, much like myself and I wager to guess many of you, keeps coming back to this. No matter what happens, his life keeps coming back to Zack. But the thing about Taichi is that he has, in fact, that dog in him. No matter how many times he's pushed down, no matter how bad his luck is, no matter how many times he contemplates quitting, somehow, he always gets back up. And so, while still frustrated and sad, he goes into the 3/15 match a little bit more motivated, thanks to finding that inner fire and thanks to his former tag partner (or tag partner for life, according to Zack). They set out to steal the show and blow the main event out of the water, and boy, did they.

How do I even describe this match? If you haven't seen it yet, I aggressively implore you to (and the preview match, bc it's a very good and very emotional primer). You'll probably need a metaphorical cigarette after. They went out there that day to lay themselves bare-naked in front of the fans and the cameras and everyone else. The second half of the match made me yell like I haven't yelled at pro wrestling in a long time (the good kind of yell). If you're still somehow on the fence, take a look at these wonderful gifs to get a taste of a fraction of what you're gonna see in the match.

There's one spot in it that I can't stop thinking about, and I think it's because it embodies this whole encounter and story to me. After wisely escaping Zack's Cobra Twist and applying his Holy Cross Mausoleum (the name, ofc, comes from Fist of the North Star, but the moves is modeled after Kawada's dragon sleeper, the Stretch Plum), he has Zack trapped in the middle of the ring. But Zack just eggs him on. "More, harder," he seems to say with his hands and the patting of Taichi's head, even while he himself is already turning purple (I know you can "fake" it, that's not the point). He didn't care if he was gonna pass out in the middle of the ring at that moment. He didn't care if he was gonna lose (you can make a strong argument that he didn't even want to win), as long as it meant that Taichi got to a place where he could show the rest of the world what Zack has known for so many years.

So Taichi digs a little bit deeper still (altho arguably Kawada represents his very roots). He whips out a beautiful Emerald Flowsion and an even more beautiful belly-to-back ("LIFE IS A CHALLENG, SEIZE YOUR CHANCES" indeed), Zack whips out a beautiful Gotch-style piledriver in his own way to refer to back to their shared past, comms and the crowd and I scream and have been screaming for the past several minutes. What is the finish, you ask? A Zack-style Taichi-style Gedo Clutch. If that ain't love, I don't know what is. A move that can only exist because they met. "Thank you for coming into my life," Taichi says in a tweet after the match, something he has said before but will probably say until his last breath. As Zack himself puts it, he wouldn't be here without Taichi, and maybe this was his way of paying him back.

There's so much from Taichi's stream after the match as well, but if I had to pick one thing, it would be this: "I have all of these friends, I'm blessed with all of these friendships, people who support me and push me, but that was the first time someone has ever said something like that to me. I've always told myself that I'm not made to be champion, that this is all I can do. No wonder I couldn't get ahead."

He doesn't feel like he lost that day, and he's right. He didn't. Zack gave him what he needed to get back the most important love of all: the love for yourself. "Maybe," he muses, "I still have what it takes to love myself again." It's a new dawn.

Brother I need to lie down. Dangerous Tekkers forever.

(Also immediately after the match Taichi said Zack told him that this isn't over. The finish might have been smart (and a bit emotional), but it wasn't the end of this. I hope that, whenever they do get their next match, it comes in the shape that they've been hoping for, and it blows whatever else is on the card out of the water once more.)

(Also also this has nothing to do with anything, but later on stream someone comes along with the usual "are u really hitting each other" and it made me laugh as Taichi rolled up his sleeve and showed them Zack's FOOTPRINT on his shoulder lol. Wrestling fans are gonna wrestling fans.)

In summary, it's kinda funny that the guy is so obsessed with gacha because his luck is notoriously bad, but he's a trooper. Every time NJPW actually lets their story breathe again, I can't help but throw my fists on the ground in frustration. Not even at the company (though I will have Gedo's heart on a stick and then eat it). It's frustration at the "maybe in the next life" of it all. THERE'S STILL TIME YOU MORON. You already pulled the SSSS Ultra Rare ★★★★★★★ waifu!!!! THERE'S STILL TIME!!! I HEAR KYOTO IS BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

#/joesays #rasslin #/long #insert joe swear he's done with wrestling all of a sudden here comes that overly verbose match recommendation meme here #dangerous tekkers #zack sabre jr #taichi #translation #sometimes wrestling is beautiful and love is real etc etc etc #how about them legs

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