#like i guess ill just kms!!!!!!!!!
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local woman with no hairdressing skills tries to make double high ponytails, a million dead a gazillion injured
#m#THEY LOOK SO BAAAAAAAAAD and also my hair is ultra heavy so they fall down pretty quickly :(#god really cursed me with the worst hair in the world i hope he dies#its not dark enough to look good but its not light enough to dye it and its not a nice shade of brown either#and its too thick so doing anything takes three eons but i dont want to cut it short because i look bad with short hair#and also i hate hairdressing im bad at it#like i guess ill just kms!!!!!!!!!#literally my only hope rn is growing my hair super long i want rapunzel levels of hair (we're almost halfway there!!!!)
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word vomit anon back!!!
pirate majima game is funny...watching people complain abt rgg ruining majima is super funny because he's been a silly guy for like 7 games and a serious guy in one...can he not be silly again...just once more??? (also im sure this game is gonna be emotional in some way shape or form) also k3 heads stay in line yokoyama said it was coming one day he never said soon lol
'k3 heads stay in line' PLEAAASSEE VJLKEALKJ youre right tho i cant lie ....
on the real though yeah no like. majima can be serious at times but generally he's a zany guy, it'd be illegal not to capitalize on that in SOME regard
#snap chats#HI WVA WELCOME BAAAACCCCK#but yeah that isnt to say you cant love a silly character and the serious aspects of them ofc#it just shouldnt be unrealistic that theyd want to be a lil funny with him when thats a big part of his appeal#and rgg always has a way of sneaking in emotion into its games anyhow so theres surely gonna be somethin#my bestie's bet is that makoto's gonna be the real treasure majima finds in the end </3 and he wont even remember her this is so sad </3#id probably kms ill be tbh so im glad thats not gonna happen !!!!!#total topic pivot time cause i had the funniest interaction with my grandma's minister#he was visitin and we were alone in the kitchen and hes like 'has anyone told you you looked like the actress from beauty and the beast'#and i was like 'no no ones ever said that to me actually !!!" i think he was referring to sonoya mizuno thats the only one i could guess#but yeah he was just like 'can i get a picture with you my daughter loves beauty and the beast'#like chief im not sonoya mizuno but fuck it sure hwy not. ive always wondered what its like being a celebrity vajelkjal#funny day my fridays turning out to be i tell you that#anyway i say all this cause i think he had like shea butter hand lotion cause now my hands just smell like damn lotion#it distracting .. its a nice smell but still bruh my hands did not smell like thsi before they smelled like LAVENDER#ive met him only once before and when i did he told me i had a strong handshake and now this is the price i pay. shea butter hands
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applying to more jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!haha :))))))))))))))))))
#i guess this isnt too personal but i work in the library field and to be an actual librarian you need a masters degree in library science#(which i dont have yet. i dont even have my bachelors until june)#(but i DO have almost 8 years of public library EXPERIENCE which has to count for something right?)#anyway my hopes are low that i will get any of these jobs and getting lower by the second because they ALL require an mlis#and thats fine! i dont mind working an assistant job until im 40 if thats what it takes#but i just need to FIND ONE#i just need ONE job that pays at least 30k. maybe even at least 25k and i could make that work#im not in a position to move out rn bc im still paying for college which kind of limits my choices#so im trying to keep it together lmao. when i graduate i may still only be able to get a part time but maybe at a high enough wage#and then i can MOVE there and i wont be pissing money into my gas tank#:( i wish i picked a different field#i know i can change my field whenever and i fucking WILL at this point but i need something NOW so i can move out#and all i have is public library experience :(#when i graduate ill start thinking genuinely about alternative fields i could get my foot in but for now im just sad and poor and stuck#i think about how different my life could have gone if i chose literally any other field and it makes me burst into tears#i HATE money. i hate having to fucking worry about this all the time#like i love it (bc i need it desperately) but there is nothing i hate more#well. back to applications :(#im being so dramatic btw. for ref ive literally applied to 2 jobs my entire life and only been rejected to one of them#which happened last month#i do think these people will all reject me but i dont have evidence yet to become all kms about it#im just scared lol
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Vent
Tw: sh, suivide
#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....#i.wish i could jjst shut my mouth like thsy qant me to.....#it smells like human shit n piss in my room cus im too scared to ask my dad to change it :')✨️💕✌️#i wanna cut so that i get release and attention but last time my dad didnt even notice and my sister didnt take it seriously :(#i feel like cuttong is the only way to let out my Ick and show how not good im doing#mental illnesses are invisible and so fucking crippling......#my family thinks im lazy i just know they do#im such a fuvking failure at 25 i should be taking care of my dad like he did to his..#also my dad always says hes in catholic hell sooooo guess im not real then :')#he spefically says he died as a kid and this is his hell.....🥹✌️💔#i just....hate my life and already dont feel real#he basically vents and says whatever without thinking about the impact on ME the adult child with autism.#i think about my words affect on everybody all the time and it seems like barely anyone thinks the same#....maybe i can s-xually -buse myself instead of cutting#but cumming always brings a biiiiig wave of crying#i shpuldnt cut for the attebtion but FUCK i wanna get a hug or see someone have a soft voice n soft eyes for me#....all i do is annoy my dad#i should just kill myself so i dont annoy him anymore#but im too scared of failing#also im scared of Hell#i need a hug that doesnt start with me asking for a hug......#if i didnt do anything affectionate for a whole day i would go without it#i would trade every present in the world if my family could at least just UNDERSTAND my emotional brain#instead i get “i just dont understand” over n over n over n over again.....#im not trying to be an attention seeker when i say this: logically the only answer i can come up with is to k-ll myself.#its like 2 + 2 = su!cide#my family says that theyd kill themselves if i did....i dont believe that#theyre less broken than me so they would heal and move on.#for clarification#the most violent thing km gonna do is c-t myself im NOT attempting tonight
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When everyone always said that "life isn't fair" and it turns out they were completely right 😱😱😱
#fuck it we ball tho ig#like i fucking hate the world we live in and its never going to be good enough#but the options are continuing living or kms#and kms is worse and would just add to the fucked up shit in the world#so i guess ill keep living but ik im not gonna enjoy a lot of it#theres always gonna be problems#enjoy the ride ig B)
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that aren’t romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what i’ve said in the notes / don’t read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#i’m so serious if there’s one thing i don’t say with my convoluted levels irony it’s suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just can’t teehee about it ever i think it’s because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isn’t crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]…#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seat…#anyways this day started out okayish and now it’s literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares off…who it usually does…#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#‘crazy crazy’ ‘fucked up’ ‘not worth it [because i am crazy for real]’ ‘[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to ‘cure me’ ‘weird’ ‘freak’ ‘looney’ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i don’t want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my temporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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#txt#tw#dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it#i do think about dying a lot#like i dont want to be here lol#people suck big time#everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive#but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need#idk#and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time#unless i can? idk#the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much#i think hed prolly follow suit#and i cant have that#plus other things like my pets etc#but what is the fucking point lol#i know eventually ill move on etc#but the world sucks man#it sucks#i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont#see myself getting better#if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse#i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have#that was ripped away from me without warning#no conversation#nothing#and he gets mad at me when i bring that up??????#yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings#fuck everyone tbh haha#im just done
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#cw// si#told C about my si flare the other night#she asked the usual questions#passive or active plan intent etc#and i never know how to answer intent bc like#i dont think i will actually try to kms#but sometimes i just really really want to#its hard to explain but i guess its like wanting to but also having a good reason not to#C was like 'its a yes or no question' and i couldnt give her a yes or a no#idk its complicated brains are complicated mental illness is complicated
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i don't want to post art here anymore. but there's no where else i want to post it either. and that's fine for shit that isn't fanart ig, like. am i going to have to email creators now old school style.
#im kind of tired numb.#i dont want to post on ig cus it sucks there. and i dont use twitter#i dont like bluesky but if it comes down to it ill suck it up and use it. i guess.#i dont post often enough for a following so i dont have much grief that direction#i just work too long for too much energy to have any ai scrape it like well guess ill kms#dlt later
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i know i say rhis constantly but wow i am so at my breaking point
#my grandma is about 2 die so my moms mental health is gonna tank so hard. which is already is#and i cant help her cuz i dont live there anymore but god this holiday season is going to fucking suck#my chronic pain is getting worse. ive been barely eating for the last month cuz i just have no interest in food basically at all#broke down sobbing yesterday because it hurt so bad just trying to put my laundry away cuz my job is tearing my body apart#idk. i thought i wld be able to quit in a month or two but now i cant.#i dont have a light at the end of the tunnel at this point. nothing makes me happy im always hungry and in pain and fucking sad <3#so i guess ill just sit here and cry and then go work for 8 hrs and think abt kms the whole time like i do most days
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For a change of pace, what if they made a dragon or unreal engine video of thirst trap Mine on the beach instead
We all know Yokoyama is really into him. The chances are low but never 0
I hope rgg gets the Dead or Alive treatment and theres a gratuitous beach-episode spin off game complete with volleyball, gambling at the casino, and jiggle physics
#snap chats#ill be so tbh only ryujis got jiggle physics and i feel like he’d never step foot on a beach#player gets sent to okinawa and now has to spend the month with all these ex yakuza#you got beach mine you got. kanda. i guess.#and what would a beach episode be without ICHI#I KNOW INSAID I WAS OVERSATURATED WITH THE ICHIBAN ASS TALKING IK BUT JUST THIS ONE#LEMME MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT JUST ONE THEN WE’RE DONE#im sitting in my dark ass car cause i wanted to kms again alright let me laugh a little#anyway im going to walmart yall want anything
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maybe the psych ward thing wasn’t a bad idea
#overwhelmed is an understatement i feel like i’m gonna cry#can’t do anything bc i’m lazy as shit and then i remember maybe it’s bc of depression#but at the same time going at a slower pace makes me lazy and i need a right schedule to do things#but that makes me anxious and incapable of doing anything#so it’s just hell huh#and this makes me feel even worse and therefore i’m even more tired and unable to do what i have to#but the idea of psych ward also stresses me out bc of how much i’ll miss out on#like i’ll have to catch up and i don’t think i’ll be able to do that#guess taking a break would mean i’d get better at least a bit but i don’t think that’ll happen like it’s not possible#i can’t get better bc if i do that means there was never anything wrong so i was just making a scene and i should’ve just shut up or kms#i feel like puking and crying all the time#and stressed out beyond comprehension#for no reason#and i know this makes me such a bitch but it’s so exhausting when everyone around you keeps talking abt how ‘omg were all soo mentally ill’#like it’s fun or sth#bc ig we are! but somehow i’m the only one who can’t deal with anything#and i don’t really have an excuse to be this stupid and lazy#bc everyone else is doing ok and keeping up and studying and getting good grades and dating and everything#and i start bawling bc i get a text and i feel like i can’t keep up bc i’m so tired#i wish i was dead
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#sorry chat im in a mood#vent#tw suicide#tw self harm#i wish people were nicer to me#or at all#or meaner cause then i could do it without feeling guilty and bad#now im just at this fuckass cant do it but really really want to but cant#id rather either not want to. or to be able to#i wish there was like a a ‘im thsi close to kms’ meter above our heads so ppl would realize they might have to be a bit nicer when they talk#to me#im kot that big on sh but maybe i should just slice my arms open like a madman and then theyll be able to tell#im okay until i talk to/hang out with people#sometimes i think im the priblem but like i dont think i am i think others are#sure im a problem but im not my problem#no liwk genuinely i just want friends that i like that are nice to me#why do other ppl not realize theyre being mean? am i the only one that learnt not to say stuff if its not nice#i get coming off as meaner than u menat but i know you know that wasn’t necessary to say at all#sometimes u can not say things ir say it differently#why is it so much easier to make good friends online i hate it#i want that irl too#i guess bcus im worse irl but still#and i hate that all my problems are all the small stuff combined and not something big#because then i dont have the reason but i do have the motivation#i wish i wasnt as opposed and unable to plan and organize stuff cause id be out of here but its like.. too much work im sorta lazy tbh#im not killing myself but never say never#im not. chill#ill let u know#i wish i was but im not#i have to draw all the fanart ive planned and i want to get christmas gifts and celebrate new years with my mom
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Well we have run into quite the situation....
So I've been meaning to make a cheesy post about how well things are going with my partner but AHA. A girlie always got drama.
You'd think I'd just be able to enjoy my first healthy, happy relationship in peace but alas... we are coming to discover that my roomate also one of my best friends of about 7+ years most likely has romantic feelings for me.
I won't even get into the details of it all but I'll tell you it is uncomfy for all parties and I am in a very awkward situation of a. He is a reliable roommate in the sense of rent and emotional safety, plus we have a year-long lease and is the only person I currently feel comfortable living with and b. He CLEARLY is uncomfortable when I'm with my partner but tries to hide it, despite still making us feel uncomfortable and unwelcome but WON'T SAY OR ADMIT TO ANYTHING.
I am naturally a non-confrontational person and oooooh is it icky. I have NO feelings for him, never have, and genuinely never will. The thought honestly, hate to say it, disgusts me. Throughout our entire friendship, people have ALWAYS questioned me about him liking me and I always told myself no but now I look back and I look at everything currently going on and 🥴😵💫😥😮💨 girlie may have played herself... it is becoming hard to deny.
I am so frustrated and honestly very annoyed because my roommate probably has genuine feelings for me but hides them to not ruin our friendship, BUT ALSO literally doesn't fucking hang out with anyone else or do literally like.. anything aside from cook, watch TV, and play video games. No shame but bro you don't like anyone else because you literally don't hang out with anyone else and then you feel lonely when I don't hang out with you but I GOT FRIENDS. I GOT A PARTNER. I GOT A LIFE. I GOT A BUSINESS. I LIKE TO STAY ACTIVE. Maybe if homeboy actually tried to get out, he would have other people to be interested in but no, self isolation and expects me to be his therapist/mom??? I just cannot stand some things about him, both as a roommate and a human that just gives me ick and I feel so bad that this is inevitably going to effect our friendship. I really appreciate our friendship but he is getting so clingy and I can tell he is trying to do things to try to like... get me to notice him in that way I think? And like show that he's better than my partner???? And I honestly just wanna fight him 😭
Girlie just can't have a nice lil boyfriend that she likes huh?
#murder#anyway lol so we be chattin with the council#aka the circle of my other closest best friends#and AHAH THEY ALL AGREE WITH ME AND HAVE THOUGHT THE SAME FOR A WHILE SO GUESS ILL KMS LOLOL#like i cant say shit i just gotta keep my mouth shut rn#and then talk with the ONE FRIEND i have that could possibly say anything bc he wont open up to anyone else about it#and it aint even a guarantee that he WILL open up to her about it but IF SOMEONE#DONT TELL THIS FUCKER TO BACK THE FUCK UP AND STOP ACTIN UP IMA FIGHT BRO#LET ME BE HAPPY WITH MY LIL MANS BRO#😡😡😡😡😡#personal
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GRAAAAAAARGHHHHH okay im fine
#sooooo so tired today goddd........still in pain i mean when am i not but at least its not proper cramps yet. and stressed and lonely#but whatever i dont care im making a wholeass roast dinner. by myself bc my roommate doesnt like cooking. or hanging out with me i guess#well thats a bit mean i know shes tired this weekend n needs to recover but also shes on call w friends rn so.#i like cooking and sharing food but also to me the kitchen is a social space and when im making food to eat with other ppl i like to have#company for the whole process..... esp when its smth that takes a couple hours!!!! but its ok. mannnn#i mean i cant make her do anything if she doesnt want to be around me i respect that. but still im allowed to be frustrated#i miss living with more people like i dont miss the time period bc i was so mentally ill then but itd be nice to have one more person here#so i feel less insane abt thr fact i have a bigger social battery and need more from other ppl than the person i spend most time with#this chicken smells fuckin bangin tho at least theres that. should be done in 15 then ill rest it while i put yorkshire puds on#and finish off the roasties and maybe ill blanch some green beans too. and ill make a gravy from the trivet#and then put a movie on while i eat bc presumably my roommate will just take her portion back to her room.... and rejoin her call#at least im going out to see a friend tmr. and ill have gym on monday + we might get food after. and hopefully a movie night tues or weds#and gym social again thurs and ill see whos around sat n sun maybe i can convince someone to go for a hike with me#i cant be alone while im pmsing and in pain i learn this lesson every month when i start wanting to kms and then never change#made dough for brown butter cookies too so ill bake them after dinner while i do my ironing n then polish my boots#man i wish i couldve gone to the gym social today instead of doing my weekend chores. sigh..... roast chicken we're really in it now#.diaries#update ok maybe i was just hungry.
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