#like i guess ill just kms!!!!!!!!!
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local woman with no hairdressing skills tries to make double high ponytails, a million dead a gazillion injured
#m#THEY LOOK SO BAAAAAAAAAD and also my hair is ultra heavy so they fall down pretty quickly :(#god really cursed me with the worst hair in the world i hope he dies#its not dark enough to look good but its not light enough to dye it and its not a nice shade of brown either#and its too thick so doing anything takes three eons but i dont want to cut it short because i look bad with short hair#and also i hate hairdressing im bad at it#like i guess ill just kms!!!!!!!!!#literally my only hope rn is growing my hair super long i want rapunzel levels of hair (we're almost halfway there!!!!)
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word vomit anon back!!!
pirate majima game is funny...watching people complain abt rgg ruining majima is super funny because he's been a silly guy for like 7 games and a serious guy in one...can he not be silly again...just once more??? (also im sure this game is gonna be emotional in some way shape or form) also k3 heads stay in line yokoyama said it was coming one day he never said soon lol
'k3 heads stay in line' PLEAAASSEE VJLKEALKJ youre right tho i cant lie ....
on the real though yeah no like. majima can be serious at times but generally he's a zany guy, it'd be illegal not to capitalize on that in SOME regard
#snap chats#HI WVA WELCOME BAAAACCCCK#but yeah that isnt to say you cant love a silly character and the serious aspects of them ofc#it just shouldnt be unrealistic that theyd want to be a lil funny with him when thats a big part of his appeal#and rgg always has a way of sneaking in emotion into its games anyhow so theres surely gonna be somethin#my bestie's bet is that makoto's gonna be the real treasure majima finds in the end </3 and he wont even remember her this is so sad </3#id probably kms ill be tbh so im glad thats not gonna happen !!!!!#total topic pivot time cause i had the funniest interaction with my grandma's minister#he was visitin and we were alone in the kitchen and hes like 'has anyone told you you looked like the actress from beauty and the beast'#and i was like 'no no ones ever said that to me actually !!!" i think he was referring to sonoya mizuno thats the only one i could guess#but yeah he was just like 'can i get a picture with you my daughter loves beauty and the beast'#like chief im not sonoya mizuno but fuck it sure hwy not. ive always wondered what its like being a celebrity vajelkjal#funny day my fridays turning out to be i tell you that#anyway i say all this cause i think he had like shea butter hand lotion cause now my hands just smell like damn lotion#it distracting .. its a nice smell but still bruh my hands did not smell like thsi before they smelled like LAVENDER#ive met him only once before and when i did he told me i had a strong handshake and now this is the price i pay. shea butter hands
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Found out my cousin is graduating high school on my birthday
Fuck that bitch for stealing my day
#sepiasys.txt#Nothing even happens on my birthday. I turn 21 and she graduates with an epic life history already.#I guess I can legally drink my problems away for a day.#God I want to kms. I hate her. She treated me like shit as kids and acts like I don't exist now (its the autism radar...)#She gets to have all these cool achievements and a job I wish I had instead and loving parents and pets#meanwhile I am literally fucking rotting.#And finding out also that my family is going to Iowa for her graduation when it happens.#I hate her so much. This is pure jealous rage; soured envy. I will probably cry.#FUCK why is it so hard to just exist >:( Why did I have to be cursed with debilitating mental illnesses™️#and also a family that fucking hated me and couldn't afford to take care of me
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im tired, this whole productivity shit didn't make me happy anyways
#my mom is genuinely such a toxic presence in my life#EVERYTHING turns more stressful when she's around and when my brother's around like#its like walking on eggshells around people that don't know how to socialize properly or emotionally regulate themselves#even WORSE because they don't want to self-reflect and better that part of themselves#the fucking weaponized incompetence of them all#and then its some gasliting bullshit like wtf no wonder im praying to die or leave one day#I really wanna kms#guess ill just die trying#tw 3d vent
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Vent
Tw: sh, suivide
#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....#i.wish i could jjst shut my mouth like thsy qant me to.....#it smells like human shit n piss in my room cus im too scared to ask my dad to change it :')✨️💕✌️#i wanna cut so that i get release and attention but last time my dad didnt even notice and my sister didnt take it seriously :(#i feel like cuttong is the only way to let out my Ick and show how not good im doing#mental illnesses are invisible and so fucking crippling......#my family thinks im lazy i just know they do#im such a fuvking failure at 25 i should be taking care of my dad like he did to his..#also my dad always says hes in catholic hell sooooo guess im not real then :')#he spefically says he died as a kid and this is his hell.....🥹✌️💔#i just....hate my life and already dont feel real#he basically vents and says whatever without thinking about the impact on ME the adult child with autism.#i think about my words affect on everybody all the time and it seems like barely anyone thinks the same#....maybe i can s-xually -buse myself instead of cutting#but cumming always brings a biiiiig wave of crying#i shpuldnt cut for the attebtion but FUCK i wanna get a hug or see someone have a soft voice n soft eyes for me#....all i do is annoy my dad#i should just kill myself so i dont annoy him anymore#but im too scared of failing#also im scared of Hell#i need a hug that doesnt start with me asking for a hug......#if i didnt do anything affectionate for a whole day i would go without it#i would trade every present in the world if my family could at least just UNDERSTAND my emotional brain#instead i get “i just dont understand” over n over n over n over again.....#im not trying to be an attention seeker when i say this: logically the only answer i can come up with is to k-ll myself.#its like 2 + 2 = su!cide#my family says that theyd kill themselves if i did....i dont believe that#theyre less broken than me so they would heal and move on.#for clarification#the most violent thing km gonna do is c-t myself im NOT attempting tonight
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alright no more sadposting after this but like . man its so funny how the reason for this whole Big Awful Breakup i am like never gonna get over was him Literally getting everything that i have ever wanted
#and it was so casual for him. like “oh yeah so the best option for me is [THING I WOULD LITERALLY KILL FOR] i guess”#bro . i am going to chew my arm off im never dating anyone Better Than Me ever again i cant have this happen again ill kms#or kill them . which would be worse cause i dont wanna go to jail 🙁 i dont Like prison 🙁#and ik the circumstances of All That werent. like. great. but oh my god im still not sure he realizes just how good he has it#voidcore.txt#anyway whateverr um . stream montreal by penelope scott stream heaven was her bedroom by tv girl
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When everyone always said that "life isn't fair" and it turns out they were completely right 😱😱😱
#fuck it we ball tho ig#like i fucking hate the world we live in and its never going to be good enough#but the options are continuing living or kms#and kms is worse and would just add to the fucked up shit in the world#so i guess ill keep living but ik im not gonna enjoy a lot of it#theres always gonna be problems#enjoy the ride ig B)
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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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#txt#tw#dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it#i do think about dying a lot#like i dont want to be here lol#people suck big time#everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive#but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need#idk#and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time#unless i can? idk#the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much#i think hed prolly follow suit#and i cant have that#plus other things like my pets etc#but what is the fucking point lol#i know eventually ill move on etc#but the world sucks man#it sucks#i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont#see myself getting better#if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse#i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have#that was ripped away from me without warning#no conversation#nothing#and he gets mad at me when i bring that up??????#yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings#fuck everyone tbh haha#im just done
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that aren’t romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what i’ve said in the notes / don’t read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#i’m so serious if there’s one thing i don’t say with my convoluted levels irony it’s suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just can’t teehee about it ever i think it’s because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isn’t crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]…#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seat…#anyways this day started out okayish and now it’s literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares off…who it usually does…#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#‘crazy crazy’ ‘fucked up’ ‘not worth it [because i am crazy for real]’ ‘[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to ‘cure me’ ‘weird’ ‘freak’ ‘looney’ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i don’t want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my temporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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#cw// si#told C about my si flare the other night#she asked the usual questions#passive or active plan intent etc#and i never know how to answer intent bc like#i dont think i will actually try to kms#but sometimes i just really really want to#its hard to explain but i guess its like wanting to but also having a good reason not to#C was like 'its a yes or no question' and i couldnt give her a yes or a no#idk its complicated brains are complicated mental illness is complicated
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i don't want to post art here anymore. but there's no where else i want to post it either. and that's fine for shit that isn't fanart ig, like. am i going to have to email creators now old school style.
#im kind of tired numb.#i dont want to post on ig cus it sucks there. and i dont use twitter#i dont like bluesky but if it comes down to it ill suck it up and use it. i guess.#i dont post often enough for a following so i dont have much grief that direction#i just work too long for too much energy to have any ai scrape it like well guess ill kms#dlt later
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For a change of pace, what if they made a dragon or unreal engine video of thirst trap Mine on the beach instead
We all know Yokoyama is really into him. The chances are low but never 0
I hope rgg gets the Dead or Alive treatment and theres a gratuitous beach-episode spin off game complete with volleyball, gambling at the casino, and jiggle physics
#snap chats#ill be so tbh only ryujis got jiggle physics and i feel like he’d never step foot on a beach#player gets sent to okinawa and now has to spend the month with all these ex yakuza#you got beach mine you got. kanda. i guess.#and what would a beach episode be without ICHI#I KNOW INSAID I WAS OVERSATURATED WITH THE ICHIBAN ASS TALKING IK BUT JUST THIS ONE#LEMME MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT JUST ONE THEN WE’RE DONE#im sitting in my dark ass car cause i wanted to kms again alright let me laugh a little#anyway im going to walmart yall want anything
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so beast tamer is getting replaced (lynched) by the new class 'lynn'
rip beast tamer 2023. couldn't make it to the end of the year LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
#me thoughts#maplestory#also apparently kms is getting lynn as well which is surprising to say the least. the first overseas class released in kms...i wonder#if there's potential for kanna and hayato's addition considering the interest kms players have for them#also also i wonder what her faction is#...whatever the fuck those horns on her head are??? since wonky was involved in the creation of lynn#i doubt they would add a whole new faction so i guess theyll just stick her in the anima BUT SHANGRI LA???????????????#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#she's just a human is my final answer#cope#also pwease dont touch her already existing link skill and legion me would very much appreciate that *bats eyelashes*#chase and her critter crew are kinda lowkey hilarious in gameplay now that i think about it...most silliest class goes to her tbh#even have the whole circus LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO#i guess rhats one aspect ill miss about beast tamer if not for the game's earnest attempt at a unique gameplay#im curious about lynns support capabilities and whether it'll be on par (cope) or lesser bishop since lynn's main branches are split into#bossing mobbing and support. internally i want bishop to die in hard bossing parties if it werent for the fact that nexon sucks at balancin#their supports because like NO ONE compares to bishop.#so apparently beast tamer was nearly on the chopping block much like jett...pretty scary how straight up removing a class can be considered#a solution
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really great that my parents tell every family member that im a lazy piece of shit and the only reason i still have not finished uni is bc im lazy and useless and they act like im not mentally ill
#kms but i guess merry christmas#silently sobbing in the car right now#like idk i cant do this anxmore do they think i enjoy this#like they never ask how i am they never talk abt my illness they act like its not even a thing#or something that affects me like i just.... fucking cant do this
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i know i say rhis constantly but wow i am so at my breaking point
#my grandma is about 2 die so my moms mental health is gonna tank so hard. which is already is#and i cant help her cuz i dont live there anymore but god this holiday season is going to fucking suck#my chronic pain is getting worse. ive been barely eating for the last month cuz i just have no interest in food basically at all#broke down sobbing yesterday because it hurt so bad just trying to put my laundry away cuz my job is tearing my body apart#idk. i thought i wld be able to quit in a month or two but now i cant.#i dont have a light at the end of the tunnel at this point. nothing makes me happy im always hungry and in pain and fucking sad <3#so i guess ill just sit here and cry and then go work for 8 hrs and think abt kms the whole time like i do most days
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