#idk its complicated brains are complicated mental illness is complicated

[whsprings]

.

[pumaskulls]

finally discovered a way to do shading that.....isn't completely awful?? im going a lil insane over this newfound power but shhh

[acircusfullofdemons]

MaDD will fuck up my life in ways I won't even realize like girl wdym you only have 2 friends 💀

[235uranium]

gonna be real i have yet to see anything actually compelling for antipsych to be a decent methodology other than "psychology and psychiatry havent been very good at doing science, so clearly science cant answer this question"

[pro-crastinate17]

not to be a teenage boy with a crush on main. but. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SO MUCH HAPPENED TODAY IM SO GAY.

[cripplecharacters]

Probably not an ask you'd likely get I assume, but...what re your thoughts on people using the word "delulu"? What exactly does it mean to say that?

I'm asking because it almost feels like a slur, but most people who use is are disabled, so idk what to personally think of it

Hello,

Okay, so before I get into answering this, warning for uncensored use of ableist slurs, though briefly and to compare histories.

Objectively, yes, "delulu" is a slur. A slur is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as an insinuation or allegation about someone that is likely to insult them or damage their reputation or a derogatory or insulting term applied to particular group of people. When using the firts definition, the word "delulu," derived from delusional and meant to act as though someone is merely delusion rather than being worthy of being listened to, using the misrepresentation and incorrect public image of people whoe experience delusions to discredit the person they're attacking. In calling someone "delulu," they're basically using a medical symptom as an isult. It basically says "This person is severely mentally ill with delusions that make them paranoid (or other things,) so they have absolutely zero valid points and we should not listen to them at all." They compare people they don't like to a stigmatized group to both drag the person they're arguing down and to further perpetuate the stereotypes around delusions and thus impacting the lives of people who have them.

When using the second definition, it's a bit more complicated. My research has showed that, while some people who have delusions are fine with the word or even use it to refer to themselves, it's generally seen as an ableist insult when used by an abled person against them. For example, like how the term cripple is regarded by the cripplepunk community- we can use it, maybe even to describe ourselves, because we know the weight and struggles behind that word. When someone who isn't physically disabled uses the word, they don't ususally, if ever, understand the history behind the word and what it used to be used for, as a weapon against the physically disabled.

"Delulu" is a slur, yes, but it's not yet a major one. It's a very new thing and, while it certainly has done damage to the community, doesn't hold the same weight in innocent blood as a lot of the bigger slurs do. Cripple and retard have some incredibly disturbing history and a horrific amount of innocent blood spilled using them because they've been around for so long. "Delulu" is only one of many pop psychology terms that are becoming slurs when used by those to whom they don't apply (for example, the term brain-damaged is quickly becoming a word used against people with TBIs, and is slowly becoming something people without TBIs are learning they shouldn't use, but those of us in the TBI community can use it should we so choose.) I don't know if they could progress to the same severity as cripple and retard due to how different medical science is today, but I think everyone would rather not take that chance.

Anything that uses a sign, symptom, or name of a mental disorder as an insult is a slur. Such as the word autistic in certain contexts. It's very much not a slur on its own, but when used by one person to insult another, it becomes a slur. If you see a weird word like that, or a psychology term being used like that, it's probably being used as a slur.

Other things you might want to look out for are the context behind people using words like narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, deranged, psychotic, compulsive/pathological liar, etc- those are the ones I see most often being used in ableist ways (at least the only ones I'm allowed to say,) because they're easy to villainize. If they're basically anyone other than someone with the corresponding disorder who's using the term to refer to themselves or the comunity should be considered untrustworthy until you can find a legitimate, science-backed reason for them to say what they did, and as long as they aren't misusing the terms and speculating on what shouldn't be speculated about, like the mental health of people they don't know and can't possibly accurately diagnose. It's best to avoid using signs, symptoms, and conditions as insults, even when replaced by cutesy terms (delulu, restarted, aucoustic, etc.) Tha's basically turning that word into a slur and one really shouldn't do that.

When in doubt, take a step back.

Mod Aaron

[foulbearobservation]

Ok, hear me out…

The piece of divinium in Cam’s neck is not just some random chunk of tarask bone. Chucking a sliver of tarask into somebody’s spinal cord would kill them; you need something still a tad human for it to work. It’s a piece of Lilith. Don’t ask me where Eurotrash Jesus got it, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s Lilith penetrating Cam and fusing with her so the are inexorably connected forever and ever. Lilith speaking directly into Cam’s mind and firing all her nerve endings ecstasy of st. Teresa style.

(Lilith is all angsty about Cam not being able to consent/say no and Cam is just holy fuck do that again and I really need you to validate my madness on this one, please and thanks.)

This inspired smthn within me idk dude

On some level, Camila knows that The Bastard's Cross (capital T capital B capital C, all very important parts of her compartmentalization strategy) in her neck is connected to Lilith. She can always feel the other woman behind her, lurking like a shadow at the end of the hall.

Well. She usually can feel the other woman lurking like a living shadow. Right now she feels nothing.

Once upon a time she would be relieved, but that was then and this is now.

The phone in her hand buzzes, outgoing call to Lilith remaining unanswered.

"Come on, come on, pick up." She mutters, thumbnail worried between her teeth.

The line goes dead.

Lilith is probably fine, most of these FBC safehouses aren't a real challenge for a trained fighter much less a trained,,, Lilith.

She reaches her hand behind her neck, finding The Bastard's Cross on instinct alone. She presses down on it like you would a bruise, expecting a flash of pain.

Instead she gets an exasperated Lilith saying "could you stop yelling at me?"

Camila jumps up, knife in hand and back to the wall before her brain processes the stimuli fully.

Her room is still empty, window still cracked just slightly to let the nighttime breeze in. There's no smell of burnt glass that Lilith often brings with her, there's just Camila, The Cross, and the still night air.

"What the hell?" She breathes out.

"Aren't you still a nun?" Lilith's voice responds, rumbling comfortingly at the back of her neck. Camila was loath to admit it when she was being trained by the Lilith years ago, but her voice was endlessly calming in its steady, even affect.

"I—" Camila crosses herself, "it's complicated. Where are you?"

"The snake pit that is the FBC house you sent me to, obviously? They had a divinium reinforced door, interesting design, very brutalist." A slight pause, Camila imagines Lilith leaning against a wall, trying too hard to look cool. The mental picture is endlessly charming nonetheless. "Why were you yelling at me inside my own head?" Lilith asks.

Camila takes three centering breaths as she calms herself down. "I couldn't feel you, I was worried." The faint scent of cigarette smoke tickles her nose. "Stop smoking, it's bad for your health."

An indignant noise from Lilith. "How did you? Jesus, nevermind." Another slight pause, the smell of smoke goes away, replaced by a phantom heat at her fingertips. "I crushed it, happy?"

"I'd be happier if we had this conversation in person." Camila admits, softly.

"I have to wait for Sister Ruth to get here so she can take care of cleanup." Lilith's voice pitches down to a whisper and it tickles the back of Camila's head in a way that sends shivers down her spine. "You sound quite eager for me to get back."

"I—" Camila crosses herself again, old habits dying hard, "I am."

She feels more than she hears Lilith's shaky exhale. "Soon."

Soon turns into approximately three hours and fourty-seven minutes, not that she's counting.

She's on her third cup of coffee for the day, on her way back from the kitchen when The Cross tingles with adrenaline.

Lilith is behind her in an instant, the smell of burnt glass hanging off of her like an ill fitted jacket. Camila doesn't have time to turn around before Lilith's hand finds a home on the back of her neck.

Camila can't help the involuntary moan that slips out as soon as Lilith makes contact with The Cross. A small spark of blue light shines in the hallway, throwing their shadows into stark contrast.

Camila claps a hand in front of her mouth and moves away from Lilith, the other woman lets her go.

When she gathers herself and turns around, Lilith's expression is guarded, but curious. She allows Camila to pull her down the hall and into her room.

There they separate, Lilith by the door as if she would need it to make a quick exit and Camila awkwardly hovering in the middle of the room.

Silence stretches languidly before Camila exhales one quick breath. "Oh for the love of—" and lunges forward, pulling Lilith into a kiss by her lapels.

Lilith doesn't respond immediately and Camila is about to apologize when it seems the other woman's brain catches up with her, wrapping an arm around Camila's lower back and one tentatively on her neck. She tastes like gunpowder and nicotine and this is so so bad for so many reasons but Camila can think of none of them as she whispers "do it again, please."

[livingfictionsystem]

I love tumblr. only here can you find someone who pretends to have a trendy tiktok mental illness, defends the worst of the worst, AND thinks they're being digitally gangstalked. fatherless behavior

I know, right??? See, what I did to achieve this was to start showing recorded symptoms of D.I.D. eight years before TikTok was invented. I wanted to be, like, SUPER prepared so I was ahead of the trend. And then, to REALLY throw people off, not even come out about it for another four years. So like, to be expert level, you have to just sprinkle breadcrumbs from not only your POV, but multiple people who witnessed it, over twelve years before saying something.

It's the long game, you see. Real galaxy brain stuff, it was ahead of its time.

And then

And THEN

You have to join a cult. It's actually kinda easy, going to your average RenFaire is probably your best bet but we just built a parasocial kinda deal. If they say they knew you in a past life or if they're a king or god or werewolf, jackpot.

Especially if your group bonding activity is like, good old fashioned counter-cursing.

Then BLOW THAT WHISTLE, FUCKER~

Then the stalking just kind of flourishes on its own so you don't even NEED the extra effort of delusions.

As far as the D.I.D. stuff?

You gotta keep up the charade every day.

And sometimes this means turning an alcohol and nicotine addiction on and off for days or weeks at a time. As it turns out, all those decades of addiction research is actually just to help the Tyler Durden conspiracy. it's way easy to just, choose not to be addicted anymore.

It's a well-known fact that substance dependency was what was invented during the MySpace days

And it's not just for the internet, you gotta do it at work, at home, with partners, even when you just woke up.

I know it's like, a lot. But you gotta hang in there. There's also less clout and your life is like, way more complicated. I know it seems like the opposite of why people get on trends, but just hear me out.

The goal of all that?

These anonymous asks.

Because no matter how dysfunctional I might feel, these science-scorning Jerry Springer rejects in my inbox always make me feel great by comparison's sake. 😍 Where would we be without these future TrueCrime deep dives of our generation?

For more advice, see DontYouHaveAMeTooVictimToThreatenOrSomething.jfc

But that's if you're not too busy over in JetFuelDoesntMeltSteelBeams.meet

-Sparrow 🧷 (or idk what you people think is the real one, just fill in whoever you think is faking the other people ig.)

[candyskiez]

Favorite The Owl House episode?

tbh, haven't rewatched the show in a long long time so might need to rewatch to be sure. for a while, it was eda's requiem. it means a lot to me and genuinely made me realize shit about myself. as dumb as it sounds it's what made me realize "...oh. if I died, that'd...probably fuck up the people around me." so it has a massively special place in my heart. and also the depth it gives eda! made me reevaluate shit about how I view parents and also just. god. the importance of found family and how important it is to acknowledge that it's just as important as blood family. found family is so often treated as secondary and seeing it portrayed as just as important is so fucking good and god! middle aged characters with depth! middle aged WOMEN with depth! some of the most accurate depression rep I've seen. she feels so real and raw and god, it's really nice to see a middle aged character who gave up learning to get back up again and stop feeling like they missed the best of their life and wasted it, and aaorudhdjd. god. I love eda. the music is beautiful and the duet is haunting, raeda fascinates me, and bard magic will ALWAYS be my favorite magic in toh.

I feel like the grey decaying thing works excellently as a metaphor for depression. it's what made me start going "is this a metaphor for mental illness?" because it FEELS like it. the voice acting is top tier and its so fucking good. it's just,,, man. a middle aged woman having an episode all to herself?? baby mes mind would've been BLOWN. her hatred of the curse wouldn't have hit nearly as hard without this episode, I think. the loneliness and feeling like it makes her Less is shown so well in this episode. it's just,,, man. as someone who's struggled with depression all my life, it resonates. she doesn't even CONSIDER king would still love her. raine saved her fucking life there and I'm still fucked up about it. it handles depression very well and its just. Man. that duet is one of the most memorable scenes in the show. darius abomination form is badass, raine's powers are so cool, the bats have my ENTIRE heart, the fucking MUSIC. brads music bangs. I love his soundtracks and this episode is just. always iconic to me.

that being said, I'm not entirely sure if it's my favorite episode right now? my brain flip flops on these things. right now I think it might be eclipse lake because it's just. SUCH a good episode. it's so gorgeous. the fight choreography, the animation, the lore, but most of all the EMOTION.

it has such excellent abuse rep. showing not only the complicated emotional reality of living with your abuser, of being dependent on your abuser, but also the fact that having an abusive relationship influences how you view ALL relationships. I love that amitys trauma isn't sidelined! what originally comes off as amity being a little TOO excited about having a girlfriend and also dana flipping off disney is shown to be amity being fucking terrified of losing this. she's so desperate to prove herself and since they're foils we gain knowledge as to what odalia and amitys relationship might've been like through hunter and gain insight into how hunter might view other relationships going forward through amity and it's LOVELY.

it also drives me insane that people use this episode as proof amity would hate hunter when. nah. nah, absolutely not. also I love how it shows how fucking KIND amity actually is. this boy's threatened and backstabbed her multiple times and is showing he's willing to do ANYTHING to win, and she still feels so much fucking sympathy for him. because she gets it. he's like her. she would've done this in his shoes. she offers him kindness and shows no sign of holding a grudge??? NONE???? this woman is fucking forgiving. she would have every right to hate his guts and she doesn't. idk what y'all mean when you say she's a jerk shes fucking KIND.

also hunters breakdown is painful to watch. I don't know what I can say about it that hasn't already been said. it's so raw and resonant, it feels like watching a real kid, it has such a realistic depiction of abused kids, what else can I say?

I also love the addressing of the cycle of abuse. hunter isn't a pure innocent baby here. he's manipulative and mean and cutthroat. hes a dick! I love him having anger issues because that's how abused kids often are! and I love amity backsliding! I love amity going tunnel vision! I love how realistic and painful the whole episode is!

they're just kids, man. you can tell the crew wanted this to be realistic and they succeeded.

I don't know which I like more. they're both just so GOOD.

(ask me things!)

[genderisareligion]

May I ask, how are you both trans and gender critical? Do you act on your trans dysphoria or do you think it's mental illness to be trans? Or am I just confused?

I assume you're referring to this post where I mentioned I am "sympathetic to some of the trans experience because I have formally diagnosed dissociative identity disorder" and "some of my alters identify as trans men." I haven't said too much about my DID besides this post on purpose because it seems the majority of this space is hostile to it, which I completely understand as someone formally diagnosed late in life watching the same young crowd of neopronoun queerios who invent shit out of thin air on a daily basis claiming they have it undiagnosed and proud. Despite this unfortunate trend though, neuroimaging has supported its existence and it is these days defined as a form of CPTSD diagnosed 6 times more in females than males.

According to my own terms, I'm not trans. On some level all of my alters believe and are relieved by believing that gender doesn't exist, and when I really examine it, I feel nothing where countless others are describing some nebulous inherent soul like feeling, and recognize gender as no more than sex based stereotypes that none of us should be enabling.

However, according to the terms of some others, I am technically trans, since you don't have to be on hormones or surgery to identify as such nowadays, and the vast majority of the DID community I've come across identifies as trans, in my opinion because the terminology is useful to some to explain what our brain is doing.

Many of my "alters" ("personalities" aka separations in my neural networks who keep memory from each other) formed 10 to 15 years ago before I became gender critical, when I was struggling as a closeted lesbian and often identified with male fictional characters and had no idea what DID even was or that my memory was significantly worse than others'. As of now, the therapist is the only person who speaks to them IRL with he/him pronouns and as if they're actually male, and that's probably going to stay the way it is, it's just helpful for them for healing purposes right now.

They're aware that when I was born my brain was not damaged like it is, that the reality of our body is what it is and it's pointless to try and war against that, and that the parts of me they're associating with masculinity (anger, impulsivity, a deeper register when they speak) are just sex based stereotypes, not their "gender."

As for whether or not I think trans is a mental illness, I think it depends. Personally I think it was in my case, but I'm a rare case. Actual sex dysphoria is complicated and more akin to something like anorexia and body dymorphia, but now the modern trans community is saying having that is optional, so. Idk I can't definitely speak for everyone there

I didn't and don't experience much dysphoria anymore because radical feminism (of which gender criticism is just a tenet) taught me body neutrality. Radical feminism continues to be a healing force for my condition because it taught me that there's no wrong way to be female.

[myorgansaremelting]

Just asking because I realized I don't actually know but, what is anorexia? What does it do? How does it work? Do you know if anything in particular causes it?

(Of course you don't need to answer if you don't want to, I just wanted to ask because god forbid If I look up anything myself.)

Anorexia is a mental disorder, it's full name is actually Anorexia Nervosa, and there are two subtypes, Anorexia Nervosa-Restrictive and Anorexia Nervosa-Binge Purge. I have Anorexia Nervosa-Restrictive, meaning I do not Binge Purge.

In the dsm 5 there are basically 3 things you need to "check off" to have anorexia and I do agree with them but I'm gonna put them in my own words.

Restricting food, Fear of weight gain or becoming "fat", and having your self worth be heavily influenced by your weight or shape and wanting it always to be lower.

Asking what it does is kind of a complicated question, because it effects everyone in different ways, and you can't really say that all anorexics are a certain way. Not all anorexics are underweight, not all weigh themselves excessively, not all anorexics are othorexic, not all anorexics fast, so on and so forth.

If you're asking about it's potential health risks, it's basically everything. Low heart rate, heart failure, organ failure, osteopenia or osteoporosis (thinning of bones), anemia (low iron), muscle wasting, lanugo (the same hair babies have growing all over your body to keep you warm. i have it, it's really soft and tbh i dont mind it except for when i get goosebumps cause im cold and i have like over half an inch long hair standing straight up on my arms), low blood pressure, basically any stomach problem you can name, excessive tiredness, infertility, literally fucking brain damage, and ofc death.

Also we have either the first or second highest mortality rate of any mental illness, whether its the first or second nobody can agree on so idk.

How it works is also a tricky question, I'm not exactly sure how to answer that.

So a really interesting thing about Anorexia is no one knows what the fuck causes it. Some people believe that the extreme religious fasting that took place during the medieval times. This physician guy named Richard Morton wrote the first medical description of anorexia in 1689, but the term anorexia nervosa was first used in a paper published in 1873. It's also been called anorexia hysteria. I kinda like that better if it weren't for the unfortunate sexist mental health connotation hysteria has.

The kind of agreed upon thing is that anorexia comes from a desire of control, and that's related to trauma.

I agree with this, like my mom was definitely the cause of my anorexia. It's intertwined with my desire for control, because I can control my weight, and what I eat, and by that, it's like this satisfaction of kinda that I'm better than others because I have self control to not "give into" eating. It's also insanely connected to my desire for attention, because I see being sick as a pathway to being loved, and it's like, oh, if I loose enough weight, than I'll finally be sick, I'll finally have an opportunity to not need to be perfect and constantly doing things for others to be loved because if you're sick you automatically get loved. That desire for attention is also like, if I'm skinny and have self control people are gonna envy me which is like the ultimate form of attention.

UHHHH yeah I'll answer anymore questions but maybe send me them as another ask cause this is a LONG post and doesn't need a ton of reblogs.

[ghostcrows]

Uhg this is maybe gonna sound patronizing but sometimes people on here spend to much time making sociological theories and forget that evidence based practice >>>>> theories that tie things together and explain everything. Every time. Every time they trump it. So it’s like the current state of mental healthcare and disability accommodations being so bad leads to the theory of how pathology is a structural validation to stigmatization of neurodiversity esp things like schizophrenia. And that coupled with the hater mindset around how “popular” and “lol quirky” adhd and autism are being portrayed on social media (this sounds deeply unserious but it’s the best way I can put it) leads to people who are adhd and autistic which can be materially physically seen and is real dismissing themselves in favor of the theory. Like idk. People love to do lots of thinking and I am not at all trying to disparage it but even when you’re a radial anti establishment politically extreme leftist if you’re theorizing then you’re theorizing and venerable to the pitfalls of theories. Abhijit Banerjee, Esther Duflo, and Michael Kremer won a nobel prize semi recently for doing the most water-is-wet thing and conducting experiments and looking at the results to determine policy change instead of basing policy on theory. It really opened my eyes to read about. The theory is just a tool to talk about the world. The world comes first always. Adhd being a physical condition of the brain does not fit into certain theories and so proponents of the theory will consciously or not, willfully or not, brush aside certain things that do not fit into the worldview supported by the theory or would be complicated or made worse by implementing the policy proposed by the theory. But it’s all just smoke. Does this make any sense. I saw someone say bipolar wasnt harmful outside of the stigmatization because they prescribe to the theory and I was so shocked. Manic episodes can lead to the bipolar person becoming physically violent and thank god for medication. Bipolar can ruin a life because of the things you do while in a manic episode and it can end a life in a depressive episode it’s like. Circling back around to denial of mental illness.

definitely does make sense i agree with this, we can speculate all day long but at the end of the day people are struggling, and they would likely struggle regardless of society's response towards their conditions

it really does loop back around in the end and its just frustrating

i understand not wanting to be pathologized, i understand not trusting the psychs, i understand that the system is as broken as it ever was with maybe a shinier coat of paint over it now and slightly less medieval torture methods deployed...but regardless how you classify mental illness or how you rename it, its a fairly consistent set of symptoms and experiences

its like when people have this idea that mental illness will cease to exist in the utopian post-capitalist world the revolution will bring

but the way i really know people still dont get it even within these circles is the way they cant seem to agree on how much of mental illness is even in the control of the sufferer. like theres always a point at which its simply an excuse, because, well i suffer from this and i wouldnt do that...in the fight against the stigma we throw so many people under the bus and end up only advocating for the people who can speak for themselves in the first place, the 'high functioning' people (who subsequently are not really allowed to show symptoms either because, you're too functional, you're too cognizant of your own actions, you must be doing it on purpose too)

and the anti-med stance is another i cant really get behind even knowing that yeah...you can go through everything they got and never find one that works for you, you can get meds that fuck you all the way up, even when youre on them you might still struggle, you might hate the side effects more than the illness...i get all that and i recognize all that and people totally have the right not to take shit they dont want to...but also i know people who need their medication...big pharma or not doesnt fucking matter cause its obviously something that tangibly helps enough people that we cant just not have it. same with therapy its totally understandable to lose all faith in that avenue of help but there will always be people who need that kind of service even in its imperfect state

reminds me a lot of a book i read called 'no one cares about crazy people' , every few decades we have a new dominating theory of mental illness and the people who are labeled mentally ill continue to struggle through every iteration of it

[battiegutz]

Hello,

About your tethered (did I spell it wright?) au ask game:

😡.

😍.

🐇.

💙.

👶.

🧓.

♾️(Leo/lita)

Love this au😁

oh shiii tethered au tiem !!

>what is your villians motivation?

tethered doesnt rlly change much as far as villians motivations, although big mama's more focused on getting her "champion" back than just her regular scheming, as the nexus guests found leos fights very entertaining nd she earned a lot of money frm his matches

>are there any romances in ur au?

i couldnt resist adding timatello💀 their dynamic in this au is so funny tho its like donnie is like "fear me human !!" nd tims jus like "wow this guy is so sillay. i like him" also might have raphcass lesbians :3

>is there an usagi in ur au?

tbh i havent thought abt it but it might be interesting to incorporate him thru tigerclaw in some way? since tigerclaw nd raph live in japan but go to nyc on business trips, maybe usagi has some personal vendetta against tigerclaw idk!

>is there a venus in ur au?

didnt think abt that either but just gave me an idea owo when draxum looses all 4 of th turts maybe he still has lil baby venus so decides to raise her as a warrior or smthn?? since he lost all th others nd splinter died so he cant just like. steal his dna again

>who is the youngest sibling?

since this is jus an au of rise mikey is still th youngest, unless lita is counted as a sibling but its complicated shes like leos kid but also sister??? clone moment

>who is the eldest sibling?

still raph! tho might b interestin to have venus be older/same age idk hrmm

>is [?] neurodivergent in any way?

literally impossible fr me to write neurotypicals LMAO id say leo def has a lot more goin on in that brain than lita but neither of them are spared frm mental illness lol, they probs have a lot of the same stuff goin on since yknow. clone. considering uhhh recent. revelations🧍‍♂️. id say leo def has ocd, tho maybe not lita idk. hard to say bc shes so young

[ear-motif]

i was blabbing in the tags of north’s post but imo, season 1 alana represented the allure of normative society to will imo and I wanna talk about it. No new revelations tho I’m honestly just solidifying my thoughts. I’m focusing on season 1 because that’s what I watched most recently so I remember the most stuff from it lol.

So Will’s attracted to Alana right out the gate; she’s beautiful, smart, and a bit snarky and sarcastic, so of course he’d like her. And, most importantly I think, she’s interested in him but doesn’t have a use for him. I don’t think Will’s felt someone wanting him for the sake of wanting him in a long time. Plus, she’s a well-respected colleague of all of his coworkers/acquaintances. She’s beautiful and popular and if he can start a relationship with her he’ll have the most solid tether to normative society he’s probably had in years, if ever*.

But she won’t be in a room alone with him. She doesn’t want to “spook” him; she probably thinks she’s letting him meet her on his own terms, but really she’s treating him like an abandoned feral dog. But Will wants that tether, that anchor, so he keeps pursuing her despite her condescending insistence that she knows his own mind better than him. Which…idk, it’s complicated. On one hand, it’s absolutely fair of her to not want to date him because she knows the relationship would suck. But she’s clearly still attracted to him and Will is crushing too hard to be friends with her so she should step back if she’s concerned for their mental well-being. But she doesn’t. She can’t. She’s too attached at this point. She caught a glimpse of Will’s mind and now she wants to save him; it’s exactly what she predicted would happen.

But what does she want to save him from?

If Will ended up with Alana, he would better integrate into normal society. She may work through his righteous bloodthirst issues or refer him to a regular therapist to help. She could teach him “coping strategies for his empathy disorder” (read: how to mask. come on its how to mask he’s autistic empathy disorder my ASS, BRYAN-). She would be the angel on his shoulder, and of course part of Will wants that.

But it’ll never be perfect. One, bc obviously he has that with Molly (a normal relationship about healthy love) and that doesn’t fulfill him, but in the narrative language of the show (or my delulu brain), because her adherence to society’s moral code, her “innocence”, is her weakness (in s1 and 2 i havent gotten to 3 yet plz no bully). She can’t see what Hannibal is doing despite her friend’s emphatic declaration that he is because he is playing the part of a well-integrated society member too well. So when talking to Will, she becomes the angel on his shoulder that tells him what society at large thinks, and society at large wants to gaslight him into thinking he did this to himself because the loss of a mentally ill autistic man is less abhorrent in the current social climate than the loss of an elite socialite and medical practitioner. For Alana, it’s naïveté; an unwillingness to look at Hannibal beneath what he presents. I think, deep down, she was scared Will was right. So she never looked.

Meanwhile, Hannibal is the devil on his shoulder, beckoning him to taste the fruit that he already knows is so sweet (murder. its the murder fruit). Hannibal could be Will’s tether to normal society, and kind of was in s1, but it soon became clear that that wasn’t gonna happen. Because when Hannibal looked into Will’s mind, he didn’t wanna guide Will out of it into the light, he wanted to jump in there with him. This is, objectively, the worse outcome for Will. But this one is fulfilling, he has a love that sets him on fire instead of providing him distant, impersonal warmth. With Molly and Alana, Will had someone who could tame his nightmares. But only by knowing your own evil can you make your nightmares dance. And for Will, knowing himself meant throwing away his last tethers to society and morality, in a way that wasn’t innocent or naïve, but antisocial and enlightened. I could say more but I’m writing dorky ass metaphors that’s a sign to Stop

*This is kind of a wobbly analysis because we don’t know what Will’s childhood or young adulthood was like, I’m assuming that he was always kind of a misfit. This is supported by canon in that Will was always the new kid at school, but I think his isolation runs deeper than that and I think most ppl here would agree. Still, maybe Will was a chad in college and then decided to love murder again who knows

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got more to say on that post (tw I'm insane I don't know what to tag this as its just. mental illness man idk.)

I'm really, really glad that other people apparently really don't know what it's like to feel like that. like you're not allowed to think certain things or that thinking them makes you bad.

because fuck I wish that was me.

I find it almost impossible to talk about this but I'm trying because I've found it's really the only thing that helps a little bit - and it feels like literal torture, like. I am having to actively fight every instinct in my head to be able to type any of it.

but. just. man I just can't. sometimes I can do it, but sometimes it's like now and I get so panicked about it that all the words just fucking disappear. literally can't talk about it.

okay, I'll try a different way. so. I get extremely obsessed with fictional characters (which you know if you've ever looked at this blog because duh). obviously that means I think about them. a lot. all the time really. and it's. it is really really hard, honestly. just like. imagine having to basically check every. little. thought. to see if there's anything there that could make you a bad person.

again, can't go into any more detail because My Brain (probably should stop saying that, I guess it's like, part of the ocd tendencies I have or whatever) won't fucking let me.

so, I'm trying to work on that, and for some reason I'm doing that by writing it down instead. because then I have like, the option to go back and look at it and be like actually this is probably fine. not horrible, not the worst thing anyone has ever thought, and even if it was - no one but me is ever going to see this, so why should it even matter?

but more than anything it's like. shown me how fucking insane that is. I literally can't even write so much as like. a hug. without feeling like I'm the most disgusting piece of shit ever (lots of complicated reasons but it boils down to basically. well you're thinking about his body. and that his body would feel nice. and that is absolutely not allowed in any way). when I've said that I'm writing some insane shit I don't mean like haha, this is sooo dirty hehe :3 no guys I mean it is literally insane and mostly me literally having to write paragraphs of dialogue in which the character assures me that it's okay and I'm not horrible for thinking that and. like I'm literally writing him as if he's my fucking therapist because that's the only way I can justify it in my own head.

like, I am not exaggerating when I say that I've made myself feel like I'm physically ill from overthinking this so much. I literally felt like I had a fever because I got so extremely stressed out about it. I think that was about like. holding hands or some shit. I'm 32 fucking years old. I'm literally married (won't even get into that but fuck dude just imagine being like this and. yeah).

and the funniest part about all of that is that I feel so unbelievably ashamed about all of it that I don't think I could even mention it to a therapist or whatever. like the thought alone is so absolutely horrifying that it makes me feel like I need to be punished for it. so I just convince myself that well it can't really be OCD anyway because I don't even have compulsions anymore (even though I did, and they affected my life so much for like, 15 years at least), and well even if it could still be that even without the compulsions well it's not that bad really. I mean I don't have the issues that people with actual OCD have, it doesn't really affect me, so what if I can't think about fucking that fictional guy, imagine how much a therapist would laugh at you for thinking you should get help with that, nope your brain is just fundamentally broken (it's always been that way after all, so it can't be something like that, no you're just broken and wrong and that's why all your thoughts are bad, you're just the worst person on Earth).

I can't explain how hard it is to even like. just talk about the most mundane shit. like let's say there's a picture of The Guy and I think he looks good. it's such a struggle to let myself say that. like literally, something as fucking basic as that. literally anything that is an admission of 'hi I've thought about his face and his body and I think they look kind of nice' makes me feel like I should literally die. that's why I've been trying to say that shit as much as I can lately, with the reasoning being well if I just keep doing it and nothing horrible happens it'll get easier right? (nope it doesn't, not really)

and like, there's so much more to it than social media, obviously. like it's probably 99% my upbringing (didn't even fucking realise until very recently that a lot of it is based on religious stuff because I didn't understand that my family was even that religious. yeah I don't get it either. but there's way more than the religion aspect, just pretty much everything about my childhood and my parents and. everything). but it does play a huge part in it for me and. I don't know what to do about that and I'll probably do nothing because doing anything is hard and I'm already completely overwhelmed by everything.

yeah idk all of that came from thinking about that video too much, idk, I'm shutting up now

[baeshijima]

HELLO HI HOW ARE YOU SOPHIE

Oh ky god sometimes I love my brain and rn is one of those times, initially I thought about Dainsleif since I’m um listening to a Dainsleif playlist 🤭🤭🤭 but now i think more about it it fits much much better with alhaitham

The it I’ve been mentioning:

Im kinda into classical music (sometimes) and when the thought occurred I was listening to ‘Fascination - from “Love In The Afternoon”’ (its literally that on spotify)

And so I came with the idea IMAGINE THEM TRYING TO FIND THE PERFECT WORD FOR YOU? Like well I’ve never really had romantic experiences hahaaa but I imagine it to be really complicated to just explain with a few words ofc ily has the general idea of it but if its fr affection that goes real real far? Deep?? Idk i just feel like it doesn’t have a word or like of words that could let these emotions come across like intended? and so (since Alhaitham is a fckn language nerd kinda) imagine he’sjust racking his brain trying to find a word he associates with his feelings for you, knowing what he feels but not entirely understanding it? I hope that sounds logical AGAIN NOT A REQYEST JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT BEFORE IT HAUNTS ALL MY THOUGHTS 😭wah

Much love 🫶🫶🫶 have a great day/night!!

HELLO HELLO IM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY 😭😭 ILL ALSO GET TO UR OTHER ASKS SOMETIME SOON AS WELL KJDAHF

BUT NO I TOTALLY GET U AND HHGHGHHHRRR

i can definitely see him as the type to sit and ponder on his thoughts, trying to wrack through his brain in an attempt to find something that could possibly chalk up to the sheer adoration he holds for you.

he tries terms of endearment (some of which garnered a less than desirable response. he mentally notes to never try that again), archaic words categorising under love, sifting through all previous records in the sumeru's library (sometimes paying a visit to the forbidden section just in case... being an acting grand sage has its perks, he supposes), re-reading his own personal collection, reminiscing the affection spilled from his grandmother's tongue—

alas, even after running through all the words spanning across languages, there was nothing which could convey the way you plague his thoughts, consume his mind, body and soul, cradle his heart ever so tenderly within the palms of your hands...

but when he gazes at you, leaning against his chest and following the novel in your hands, he realises there's no reason to search endlessly for a word which may never exist. all that matters is he loves you, and you love him.