#like i actually feel sick i hate my fucking life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cadaverre · 3 months ago

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IM SO SICK OF MYSELF, RATHER BE RATHER BE ANYONE ANYONE ANYONE ELSE, JEALOUSY JEALOUSY STARTED FOLLOWING ME

#feeling soo crazy jealous rn #ppl getting girlfriends and going on trips #and having people that are unequivocally theirs #like i actually feel sick i hate my fucking life #i feel like im always wasting my potential #like i could be doing so much more with my time #but i feel like no one likes me so like #does it even matter #.txt #.mp3 #olivia rodrigo #sour #jealousy jealousy

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lemongogo · 2 months ago

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oo u want 2 draw soo bad..

#i hate that my ability to draw is so conditional #its soo frustrating but i dont know how to break it. this has been the one thing thats never changed.ill never be free #times like rn i just do studies but its soo fking BORINGGG euuhh...#but if i try 2 draw something for funsies i just stare at the blank canvas. literally immobile. & u know how people r like just draw #something anyways. a line. something. and its like no i cant do that oi cant even do that u underestimate my freak #i want 2attack myself from the pov of someone else #i think im having the realization tht i will never be able to do art stuff frls and its driving me crazy i think.#like im actually sick and unwell frm the thought of it.my friend commissioned me and im ab 2 send the money back #after two weeks bc i cant do it im literally frozen dude.i want 2 cry and die and explode into a million pieces #wait im back to add more.idk if anyone feels the same way but its like. i know its entirely a Me issue its a mental block issue #theres something thats not connecting in my head but its like.why is it so easy for everyone else ykwim...and thats a lie too right #like everyone else struggles w art and its not.it cant exist Without you struggling and practicing hard and trusting yourself #but in my brain im just convinced that like.i cant do this i cant do this like everyone else can do it like second nature and it freaks me #tf out #but also its the one thing i want to do more than anything else in my life and so like if i cant do it i dont know what to do.ughh.#not me freaking the fuck out rn lawl.lols.even #and on top of it i feel like i cant express myself well and i think my friend. < SOOO awesome and well meaning and NICE and legitimately #pushing me to try and believe that i can do this stuff but i feel like they wont understand the sort of like.mental block im struggling wit #like its less that i hate my art or something i dont its more like.i just feel soo physically restrained and incapable of doing it.suddenly #i cant think and i cant do anything.i have no creativity i have no ideas my mind is quite literally blank and empty

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angelnumber27 · 7 months ago

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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.

#I fucking hate having bpd #while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you #I feel so stupid #I feel so stupid for believing all the lies #but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist #I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed #it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time #I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead #it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid #being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world #for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately #like that was the plan all along #he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day #I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me #i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him #I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me #not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together #I’ll never be that beautiful again #and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over #it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all #he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up #nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken #it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover #I deserved it but it still hurts my heart #I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me #there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other #but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked #why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient

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nobodybetterlookatme · 1 day ago

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Anyway asshole sneezed yesterday while I was driving and I nearly wrecked my car lmao

#snz kink #and he did it more than once too like excuse you #might as well have whipped his dick out smh #i didn't actually almost wreck tho I'm just being dramatic lmao #thank god he didn't bring up the fact that it's a kink again tho bc i might’ve fr wrecked ahdkalsk #but i was like 'don't do that I'm driving 😒' and he sarcastically apologized #to his credit he did try to stifle when he did it again but that was worse bc i felt bad lmao #'well don't do *that*' and then he snorted and rolled his eyes and was like 'there's no winning with you'#god he's so great to converse with even when we're playfully bickering lmao fuck #still crazy to me that I've never been into a cishet man before in my life and always thought I'd end up with a woman #just for the first person I've ever dated to be not only a cishet man #but also my fucking coworker after i said i would never date a coworker #hate this for me but also 🥰#also now I'm extra feeling some type of way about the fact that he sent me those voice messages while he was sick #like damn maybe that did do something to me ahdkkala #maybe I should listen to them again just to see 👀#nah I'm not actually gonna do that lmao I'd feel weird if i did #anyway rip to y'all who followed me for snz lmao this is basically just a simp blog these days #oh well it's my blog lmao #partner posting

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manybrokenquills · 6 months ago

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yall know that tiktok audio where it's an anime overlayed over some slow music, but the VA in the anime is the same as Saiki K? It goes like, 'when did I start thinking stupid sappy things like that, and why?' or something idk anyway

Thats me rn someone help

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undistortedworld · 7 months ago

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i think if i go to work today i may actually explode or turn into a puddle of mush or some other sort of physical manifestation of a mental breakdown

#i mean i will still go it wouldnt be fair on my coworkers #but fucking hell i dont want toooooo #so anxious!!!! and for what!!!!!#did maybe have a little cry at work yesterday and yet that apparently wasnt enough to get it out of my system #i hate customers can they go die please #sick of being humiliated constantly!!!! all my life ive felt constantly humiliated!!!! humiliated as a child continue to be humiliated by my #disabilities and body malfunctioning as an adult!!!! and now humiliated everyday by rich middle class customers who think they are better #than me and that anyone who works in fast food must be stupid!!!!! which is not true!!!!! but even if it was thats no reason to look down #on someone!!!!!!#hateeee that i feel like i as a person am being sold as a product too hate that i have to have a name badge and be perceived want to hide #under my covers in my flat and only think about a-yao forever #how a-yao put up with constant and worse humiliation for so long is actually insane #<-linking everything back to ayao to make me feel better lol

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squintsintwink · 2 months ago

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Cyberpunk 2077 is my favorite anti-capitalist game that I spent 70 dollars to play

#like is it worth 70 dollars #I Guess?#I know it took years and so many people to actually put this game together #and the basegame and dlc for seventy dollars total is such a steal in comparison to say #a certain life simulator game I play #but the actual game Cyberpunk in itself is so inaccessible already #like my gaming laptop can run the sims with all dlc and custom content on ultra graphics EASY #buy trying to run cyberpunk even on the lowest graphics is like #ROUGH #and like paying 70 dollars for the LOWEST graphics setting is pretty mid #like yeah they got Keanu Reeves as the cool brain parasite #but that only speaks to me on a personal level because I have a mental health issue that causes me to have Keanu Reeves as a brain parasite #in my actual real life #the story is so great but there’s so many side quests that no matter how many hours I play the game for I’ll never actually COMPLETE it #cyberpunk is my FAVORITE game and I do NOT regret buying it bc the story is there the world is there the characters are there #but it feels so superficial knowing I spent a quarter of my paycheck to spend 30 hours being like #‘that’s right Johnny Silverhand we should fuck em up’#i think it’s more that cyberpunk feels like a story the world really needs right now #but it’s only accessible to such a niche group of people #especially since the game got so much hate on launch #and yeah there is the anime now but the anime doesn’t even TOUCH a VAST MAJORITY of night city #the anime doesn’t have the same depth and wonder that the game has because the game is about a city and the show is about 1 group of people #cyberpunk 2077 really resonated with me in such a unique way and I love it so much I can’t even begin to describe my hyperfixation #but the graphics and first person camera give me motion sickness #and my wallet cried for three days when I bought the game #and so much of the actual political ideology is lost on me Because of the price point #I’m gonna play it anyway tho bc I’ve never seen my own brain parasites represented as video game characters before #twink speaks #Twink plays cyberpunk 2077 #not cc

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girlivealwaysbean · 3 months ago

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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg

#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with #like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks #but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do #and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration #and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just #go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission #and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na #and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta #style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine #you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents #im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless #but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just #doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial #stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the #point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc #but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time #and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally #having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn #checking my fever sote jaagte #like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being #like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still #idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love #not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional #and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen #horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she #wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay #moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld

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spacemancharisma · 5 months ago

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#look obviously this is not my fucking moment hence why this is an in the tags post #but. man.#'my heart hurts' is a phrase that was thrown around a lot by the adults in my life when I was growing up #& a lot of the time it was in reference to some real bullshit so I never really thought about it except to roll my eyes #but god my heart hurts #it makes me feel like a little kid wondering why it has to be so hard to help people #to know the names and faces and stories of so many people suffering & to be able to do so little to help #one person mentioned their grandfather was martyred & it hit me like a brick #my grandfather is so important to me & I know he'll die one day & probably relatively soon #but to imagine losing him to violence??? to hate????? it makes me fucking sick #I just can't understand it I can't make sense of it #feels like watching an older kid kill a baby bird for no reason except on a scale of tens of thousands #they're just people. just human fucking beings. familes & friends & communities & there is no fucking difference between us & them #like I know it sounds all john lennon or whatever but genuinely there is no meaningful difference between me & a 25y/o palestinian woman #I could know her. I could love her. people do know & love her.#the people of gaza don't deserve this. they didn't do anything to deserve this. no one *could* deserve this.#I’m so filled with grief and rage and I couldn't be further removed from the actual horror of it all #again. this is not my moment & I know that. but it hurts so badly I just needed to get it out.#please help if you can. donate to fundraisers if you can. promote them if you can't. stand up for palestine irl.

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mosspapi · 6 months ago

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Gonna b honest. I kinda preferred being actively and pressingly suicidal to whatever the fuck I've got going on now. At least then I knew what I could do to keep myself reasonably safe. Whether I'd do it is another question entirely but at least it was cut-and-dry and made sense. Idek what my brain is doing atp, much less what it needs from me

#like. I think this is mostly the same as I felt before starting the antibiotics but like. kinda worse?#like I don't wanna die I'm just tired of being alive. I wanna make myself live but suffer almost #and it's like. I don't Really want that. but my brain thinks I do and idk how to deal with that #I thought I did bcuz I've been dealing with it literally my entire life but it's like. it feels Different now somehow?#like it feels like now that I know I'm capable of doing it. I almost don't trust my brain to stay in the passive mode?#like im reading too far into my 'normal' thoughts/feelings.#which doesn't entirely make sense bcuz I have 'attempted' in the past. but I didn't actually Do anything ig. just prepared it but didn't do #idk. idk how I'm feeling or what's going on or which meds if any are doing this and I don't like it and I want it to stop #or at least go back to being active abt it so I can say hey listen I'm gonna do this pls take the dangerous stuff away for a bit or smth #idfk man I'm just so fucking sick of my brain. I hate everything it seems to be doing lately. it can't fucking work or cooperate or anything #I'm trying to be nice to my brain since I know there's a lot going on with it but it's like. brother. can you help me out here At All.#armchair speaks #suicide mention #tw suicide mention

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archiveofyearning · 7 months ago

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#fucking hate being sick #i feel like these days i already struggle with dissociation in the best of times #but it's infinitely worse when my brain is all foggy and i'm by myself and no one is here to take care of me #and time doesn't feel real and i can't tell what's happening and my body is constantly betraying me #and dealing with this after an already overwhelming week of 267 existential crises and breakdowns over the state of the world a day #its just a lot. i know i have no right to complain but its a lot #and i just don't know what to do. i'm trying to find some way to leave the world better than i found it #and have my life be meaningful and actually contribute to something but idk how. i just feel like a useless person #and idk how to process any of this anymore. every day the worst thing imaginable becomes the second worst thing #and i can't escape the desire to escape

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decaf-mother · 7 months ago

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I'm sick and my dad's mad at me for not going to the flea market with my mom.

#warning: Vent in tags #I've constantly done things despite how under the weather my body was just to not make him upset with me #just this once I'd like to put my health first.#one time I went and ended up reinjuring my knee and got sick from some flowers I'm incredibly allergic too.#like the whole reason i went that time while feeling not good was so i wouldn't be emotionally tormented #plus I actually like getting the fuck away from here just to avoid him.#literally not my fault my body is a bitch to me #its so funny because he demands I go to help her but meanwhile all he does is sit anf watch tv and expect US to bring money back #he wants to know what we got every time so he can blow some of it on whatever he wants #I'm trying to save money so I have a damn chance of getting out of here permanently.#I'd hate leaving my pets behind but i just can't live like this anymore. idk how long it'll take though.#vee's thinking too much #vee's not important life updates

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lesbiansanemi · 8 months ago

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Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day

#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened #it just FUCKING SUCKS #I want to walk into a lake and never come back #I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter #I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad #cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake #it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first #I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate #and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever #and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world #but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job #and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday #and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there #and I just. ugh. UGH #I’m so sick of existing #why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time #where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die #what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit #in my short terrible miserable fucking life #whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall #and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work #I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain #why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad #but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way #and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse #kaz rambles

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tyrianlynch · 1 year ago

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I’ve been improving a lot mentally lately and today my wife (best friend who I’ve lived with for 7 years) told me she’s divorcing me (moving to a city we both swore we’d never live in) and she’s taking the kids (our dog) and this is just further proof that god will never allow me to be happy or hopeful

#i know I sound dramatic but it feels like a divorce #my entire life revolves around her #she’s my soulmate and I’ve known her for a million lifetimes #I spend all day anticipating her coming home from work so we can spend time together #I schedule nothing on the weekends because weekends are for being with her #she’s come to every family gathering I’ve gone to for at least the last five years #she’s my entire fucking life and she’s leaving me #I’m gonna have to leave our apartment that we’ve been in for 3 years #I don’t even know how to make other friends because we’ve never needed anyone besides each other #and maybe we’re codependent and rely on each other too much but it’s never bothered us #and I always swore I’d follow her anywhere but she knows I can’t go where she’s going this time #I’m still so sick that I need my family nearby to help me so I can’t leave them #and my doctors are all here and I’ve spent years finding doctors I actually like #and I HATE where she’s moving #we lived there together for a summer and it was awful and she swore that we’d never go back there #and when she told me she’s leaving she didn’t bother asking me to come bc she knows I can’t #and I’m so fucking mad at her #I don’t know who I am without her and I feel like chunks of me are being carved out of my chest

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orcelito · 9 months ago

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Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating

I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.

Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.

#speculation nation #'what a pain' haha get it bc chronic pain #frankly speaking the chronic pain part of it isn't the Worst. it's only a few times a month that i get my arm and leg aches #(though sometimes ill have bouts that last longer. like in january i think when i had arm aches for over a Week)#then again my rib cartilage inflammation is a permanent thing. my ribs Always are fucked up.#and i dont know 100% that it's bc of fibro but this condition has been linked to fibro and it didnt go away with anti-inflammatories So #in the end the pain isnt my biggest concern for treating my fibro. aside from the frequent headaches. i Would like to counter those.#what i really need is help with my chronic fatigue and weakness spells #i hate how fragile i feel so much of the time. bc im NOT weak. for my size im actually surprisingly strong.#but im quick to tire and if i push myself too hard then im practically bedridden #i will literally get symptoms of sickness if im too fatigued. including nausea and coughing and headaches #all fixed after ive gotten some rest. so im not Actually sick.#im tired and fed up with how finicky my body is and how i have to eat on time always or i'll be threatened with passing out.#havent passed out Yet but ive had some times where i end up Having to sit bc i get tunnel vision and my scalp is prickling #and it feels like my brain is squeezing and i know i Have to sit down Right Now #idk. there are many things like this. and i am sooooo tired of it.#i want a fibro diagnosis so i can actually get some help for the things that make life so hard to live.#im not depressed im just chronically fatigued. and so very tired.#give me some Energizing Meds or smth. help me please 😭😭😭 i hate living like this 😭😭😭😭😭#i wanna be able to do things without being bedridden for the rest of the day 😭😭😭😭 please 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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nexus-nebulae · 9 months ago

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brrrrr (/pos)

#weight talk #<- just in case even though this is pos #but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life #like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL #i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL #but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety #partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly #so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up #well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite #and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs #highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16 #and then it dropped 10 #and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER #and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left #like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling #but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back #I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE #and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore #like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards #but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore #I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man #and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic #when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way #and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore #i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat #seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy

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