#life update: got a job and it’s okay but the very likely autism makes it hard

[losersclublol]

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that time is a fucking circle

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Random updates into the void

At my therapy session this week we were talking about the job and aspects I didn’t like, one of them being the social aspect of now working daily with coworkers and how it takes me quite a long time to warm up and trust people and how “masking” is really draining. They asked if I needed recovery time after being social and I said yes, I cannot socialize with friends or anything after work because I’m just so emotionally drained from simple interactions.

The conversation then went into how I mask and I discussed how at my last job I really started to realize how people tend to treat me a little more harsh than others (at the schools) and I started to realize that the other case workers or parents I crossed paths with, the ones that were bubbly and smiley and conversational got better/quicker help/service.

At that point last year, I talked to my very outgoing friend for advice. I did change a lot with how I interact with others thus making things much more draining and hard. Things like over exaggerating my facial expressions, adding more inflections in my voice, asking how people are even tho I don’t care unless we know each other on that level

Then my therapist started asking more neurodivergent questions. I stopped seeking any treatment about this because I’m told I’m too high functioning in life to have any neurodivergence. Like my psychologist who was refusing to give me adhd meds bc “people with adhd can’t get all A’s in grad school”

Anyway, my therapist thinks I may be autistic and had me do some screenings for it of which all were “high chance of autism diagnosis”

They asked if i wanted to pursue a formal diagnosis or treatment and I said maybe, if it could benefit me. Because I have a tendency to hyperfixate on diagnoses I think I have and I don’t want this to be a hyperfixation again.

They said it would likely explain a lot of the reasons I came to therapy. Questions about my identity, rage outbursts, meltdowns, and social challenges.

I think I will pursue the diagnosis in hopes that I can get some accommodations at work. Mainly for them to okay me wearing noise blocking headphones because it’s one of the only things that can pull me out of a meltdown or prevent things from escalating.

We are not allowed to wear them at work, but was told I can play music quietly at my desk. Unfortunately, when I’m stressed out and starting to get overwhelmed, it’s the immersive experience of the music in noise blocking headphones that help soothe me. It’s also very specific music, but that’s neither here nor there.

Was thinking about this because I’m very overstimulated currently from a few different things and I took my lunch early and I’m sitting here with my headphones and like, instant relief.

Feeling kinda validated because it’s something I’ve suspected for a long time and my symptoms, especially the anger/meltdowns that can really interfere with my daily functioning. I’ve been through so much therapy and my anger is the one thing that I can’t seem to fix. It comes on fast and strong and I couldn’t tell you what triggers it. But maybe there’s another angle it can be tackled from a Neurodivergent lens?

[animalsandskyyy]

So like 3 weeks ago I started a new job at a bubble tea place and I love it but omg it's so physically and mentally tiring

The last 2 days I had to take breaks to go outside and cry because I was overwhelmed with everything

But the people here are very nice and friendly and also the costumers are chill most of the time

So I'm really not complaining, I just can't handle all that change and new people and responsibilities and I think that might be because of autism, but idk

Also I met a super cool person who's a regular costumer and also friends with a lot of people working here and they saw me crying outside one day and talked to me about sharks and supernatural and merlin because they knew I like those things and I know I met them only 2 times but they're totally crush material

Sorry for the rant lol, but I haven't been online a lot recently and just wanted to share what's been going on

Anygays, how are you???

hello!!!!

and aww i’m sorry it’s not perfect, but still that’s so cool!! but yeah even cool jobs can be so so so overwhelming :(

and also the person you met seems so incredible?!?? like SO incredible!!?! most definitely crush material omg I hope you get to see them more often

and you don’t have to apologize!! I love hearing your life updates!! and i’ve missed seeing you online and i’m so happy to know how you’re doing!!!

and i’m okay! i’m just driving home now from a 2-week road trip which was cool. overwhelming as fuck lol but still cool! and also my furniture FINALLY got delivered to my new place (like 3 weeks late RIP) so I can finally arrange it and make a new life routine lol

but I hope your job gets better and that you’re doing well now!! <3

[joyful-soul-collector]

Update? Sort of?

So she's. Different, now. Better, I think? Better than she was when I made the original post. We had a big family discussion a long time ago, sometime last year, and brought things to her attention. I didn't say that she was being abusive, because I was worried it would shut her down and she wouldn't listen to me if I used that word, but we still talked about things she did to me and how they were bad. It boiled down to basically she thought I didn't do enough in the family? She said she does more than I do, and my parents semi-agreed with her I guess? But we explained that I have autism and adhd and just generally a bunch of problems that make it extremely difficult to Life. I think she sort of got it, but she also kinda views those things as excuses, and I don't know that she really believes or understands how they work and affect me. She seems to get that she shouldn't treat me the way she did though.

So, I think she really is trying? It's hard to tell sometimes. I can see it now when she's annoyed but holding back, not saying something awful like she normally would, or maybe just saying something less awful. It's not an every day thing anymore, treating me badly. But honestly it's hard to tell whether that's due to her actually treating me better, or because she has a job and a boyfriend and isn't around as much.

But... it's still not great honestly. She still rolls her eyes at me constantly, and scoffs when I say things. She gets angry when I do things that inconvenience her a little bit, like being in the same room as her, or say something she disagrees with, or honestly just do anything she doesn't like, but what she doesn't like varies so much from moment to moment that it's really hard to gauge whether something I'm going to do is going to make her mad or not. But she doesn't yell at me as much anymore which is good.

It's a weird feeling to be the older brother with an abusive younger sister. I love her a lot, I want to protect her and take care of her, cuz I'm her older brother, that's what I'm supposed to do. She doesn't need me to, I'm only two years older, but I still feel that urge to help her and guide her in some way. I don't know that I'm very good at it, she scoffs at me whenever I say anything about wanting to look out for her and my youngest sister, but I can't tell if that's her being mean or right.

But at the same time she just. She treats me like shit right? I get so anxious when she's in a bad mood, I just try to avoid her, but I can't always do that because we live together. I want to take care of her, I want to help her, but I'm often scared of her at the same time.

And I want to tell people in my life about her, tell my friends about my problems with my sister so they understand me better, so they can help me in the times when I start to believe I'm as awful as she treats me like I am, but at the same time like. That's my baby sister. I can't talk bad about my baby sister like that. I can't go telling everyone she's awful and make myself out to be some victim in their eyes. She's not all bad, she can be really cool too, and I want them to know that side of her.

But I don't want to lie either. I want to be able to tell people what I've gone through, what I'm going through, how she's brought down my self esteem, how I have this weird feeling of both completely trusting her to be loyal to me and stand up for me, but not trusting her at all to treat me well or make me feel good most of the time.

But I don't want to fuck up my family. If they find out I told ANYONE that she was abusive to me (and still is sometimes), then they would get so angry and it would cause such a big thing. They know I talked to my old therapist about it, and I think they know somewhat that she was/is abusive, but I highly doubt they would be okay with me telling anyone outside the family that. It'd look like I was badmouthing her to other people.

It's even worse when I think about if/when I have some sort of life partner someday. Inevitably I'll end up telling them about her, and telling them she was shitty to me at one point in my life, even if somehow by them she's perfectly chill. But that person will meet her, and if we get married or something then she'll be part of their family too.

Idk, it's just so frustrating because I can tell she is better than before, like genuinely better. But because of everything that's happened, I still have similar reactions to everything. I still tense up and get scared she's going to yell at me, even if I can't remember the last time she yelled at me. I still hide up in my room when she's slamming things or cussing at her computer because I'm scared her anger will get redirected at me somehow. I still feel like a horrible person every time she does anything for me, because I know all she's thinking is that she shouldn't have to be doing this and that I'm so stupid for one reason or another.

Anyway, I'm just gonna end this rant here now. If anyone is worried reading this, genuinely appreciate your concern but I'll be okay!! I have friends irl who I think I'll open up to eventually, and my parents are good and help me with this stuff too. I just wanted to vent about it. If anyone has advice or general comfort or anything like that, feel free to do that, I'm all ears.

Love you all, laters gators

Has anyone dealt with having abusive siblings? 

Keep reading

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: May 15th Part 1

It’s been longer than usual since our last answer session, so I’m answering a ton of questions today! It’s so big I split it into two parts. Thank you for the patience on getting a response to these.

Thanks for reaching out to us with your questions and kind words ^^!

Sorry if this has been asked before or isn't something you can say but is there anyway for Cove to confess in step 4? I wanted him to confess in step 3 and followed all the steps to make him do it but ended up texting my family instead of Cove at the end.

Yeah, Cove can confess in Step 4!

Hello! I heard that Cove is on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. As someone who is ND, this makes me UNBELIEVABLY happy. I literally was brought to tears! Thank you for that!

Out of curiosity, will Cove be diagnosed in Step 4? I have a strong feeling y’all won’t make it a HUGE deal/make it out to be negative, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever! I’m just curious just he’ll off handedly mention it? Or will it just not be touched upon at all (which is ok!)?

Either way is ok, I’m just curious!

I’m happy it made you happy! Admittedly, Cove simply being someone with autism that grew up not being diagnosed was something I included for myself. I didn’t really think anyone would notice or ask about it, aha. But players did start to have questions about his traits, so I started to talk about it outside of the game. It’s great to see it get such a positive response and now I do feel like having it be a non-topic may have been the wrong choice and bringing it up would’ve been good in terms of having positive representation for that. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to mention it in Step 4 now, with how far along the game is, but I am at least thinking about it when originally it wasn’t something I really even considered.

Hey!  Just wanted to say thank you for Our Life.  It's been a bright spot and a needed escape in what's otherwise been a crummy year.  I know you just did a Q&A post but I figured I'd ask anyway.  Was just curious about Step 4.  Will it be similar to the other Steps in that it consists of several different moments or will it just be one long sequence?

Step 4 is shorter than the prior Steps because it’s just an epilogue rather than a full arc of a story. It’ll consist of scenes that all happen in a set row one after the other. There won’t be a collection of Moments to choose from. But it’ll still be very sweet and fun.

¡hola!, you see, first I want to say that I love Our Life! (°◡°♡) and I have 2 important questions, would Cove cry watching titanic? and what is the saddest part according to him? (sorry for my english) 

Titanic would make him cry. He’d probably think the parts showing people who aren’t able to make it to the life boats/are choosing to stay and go down with the ship were the saddest.

Hello, I wanted to ask how much you earn with creating games? Like is it possible to make a living? Thank you >< <3 

How much I earn varies a lot month to month based on Steam sales, Patreon backers, and how many projects are in full production at the time. It’s also hard to say how much I make historically, since that also changes dramatically year by year. But I do earn enough to work on these games full time! I really appreciate all the support that allows me to do that.

Hey!! I was wondering for the 18+ Our Life moment, will there be an emphasis on safety/comfort for all involved? I feel like there  would be just going off of what the rest of the game is like, but I wanted to ask 

Yes! Cove is a nervous boy himself and also super cautious about doing anything the MC doesn’t like, so clear consent from both is absolutely needed for anything to happen. It’s a conversational sexy times Moment with stops/starts so the two can talk about how they’re feeling, rather than a heat of the moment just going for it kind of thing.

Hey!! I was wondering how long the wedding dlc would be? Will it be broken up into moments, or just one big event? 

It’s one long series of scenes all in a row rather than a collection of Moments to pick from. It’s the shortest and the least expensive of all the DLCs. It’s not super crucial to get and those who aren’t into big weddings can totally skip it without worry.

HELLO AMAZING DEVS 👋 i am hopelessly in love with the worst guy ever (jeremy king) and because of this i have a really stupid question: does he really hate people who are nice to him? TvT he’s too cute to be mean to istg it’s a miracle JB held the urge to be consistently nice to him bc just look at his FACE he is so cute! thank you for jeremy’s route it’s so lovely (and awful bc he’s scum 11/10) it gave me so much laughs LMAO i hope you guys have a good day!! 

Haha, thank you. He doesn’t hate them but he’s certainly not pleased with them. Jeremy is either uncomfortable with or annoyed by people being sweet on him, depending on how they approach it. He’s far more comfortable with jerkiness. It lets him relax and he can be himself without it being a problem, since he’s also a jerk. He feels a level of guilt being such a little punk to kind people, not enough to be a better person but still.

Has Cove dated or been interested in someone other than MC? 

Nope! He stays single over the course of the game if he’s not with the MC.

Is Step 4 more mature? Or it's gonna be set in similar atmosphere as Step 3? 

Step 4 is a similar atmosphere as Step 3. Though, it’s actually kind of less mature-topic heavy than Step 3 since it’s just a ‘hey, let’s check in on the gang to see what they’re up to’ style epilogue rather than a story arc with serious issues.

will there be new music for now and forever?? or will the old our life music be reused? 

It’s gonna be a brand new soundtrack. We’ll be opening up a job position for that soon.

Hi, is it okay if we use the assets in Our Life (like the sprites) for fanworks or fan content content, like edits? 

Sure! Just as long as you don’t use the assets made by those artists to make money.

Quick clarification on Step 3 choices: I hope I didn't come off rude (because I LOVE the game, really!!), I was just curious because the intro threw me off at times. For example, you could choose how you felt about Elizabeth in Step 2 (Dinner), but during the Step 3 intro, it says that you got closer to Liz and I didn't get a choice in it. 

For the example, it can’t be helped that you’re closer to Liz in Step 3 than you were in Step 2 because she’s inherently closer to the MC regardless of whether you liked her or not in Step 2. Her feelings are out of your control and the game isn’t so dramatic that you can push her affection away and not let her bond with you, haha. But ‘being closer’ can still be relative. For some people maybe that means you’re best buds now and for others it might just mean you’re not fighting all the time any more. If there’s other parts you want to mention, feel free to let us know.

Did the illustrator for Our Life change? 

We have many OL artists! The main artists who set the game’s style haven’t changed, but there’s multiple other artists who help finish assets.

So Miranda's type is confident and outgoing, huh? So...does that mean Terri's her type?? 👀 

Haha, sorry for the late reply on this. As you might’ve seen in our post yesterday- yeah that is her type.

Hey! First, I just want to say I've really enjoyed how detailed OL got with gender identity and sexuality and how respectful the topics were handled! It's been so wonderful to play since the experiences could be close to my own (I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up at parts). Second, I was wondering, would future games explore the topic of polyamory? I'd love to see more visual novels allow room for that and I saw you've explored the topic before.

Keep up the amazing work! ♡

Thank you! We do want to include polyamory in at least some of our future projects. Floret Bond, which might be what you’re referring to when mentioning how we’ve explored the topic before, is on hold unfortunately. So right now I’m not sure when something might release or what will be the first game of ours to come out with poly relationships (we might do something else before FB is done). We’ll have see how things ends up coming together.

Hey um. I feel like im not allowed to ask this on the private discord cuz people will yell at me but why is there so much focus on OL2 and not finishing OL1 stuff? I like the new people but i kind of want to finish cove's story and get derek and baxter stuff first. didn't people pay for it? 

I’m sorry, I don’t understand entirely what’s making that situation a concern. There’s a channel in the discord for critique where no one is allowed to comment back. People can voice things they’re worried about without any way for others to push back on it. And the two teams working on the OL games are different. We try to post pretty often about how we’re hiring brand new people to start on Our Life: Now & Forever. The OL1 team is all still working on OL1 like normal. There’s only more updates on the Patreon for OL2 because the expansions to the first game are mostly script-based at this point while OL2 is just starting to get all its art, which means there’s a lot more to show off as previews.

Also, there was a Kickstarter for the first Our Life, if that’s what you mean by people paying for it. But one of the stretch goals was to start Our Life 2 early, before fully completing Our Life 1, so that the new game could be out sooner. It wouldn’t make sense to stop doing OL2 work because that would be going against what backers were promised. Maybe you didn’t get the full story before and hopefully this clears it up!

Hello! I know it's up to every player but.. What is your recommendation for playing order? Did you ever had any timeline  events planned? 

I didn’t make the events with a planned timeline. The events got made simply as I had ideas for them and then I just kind of organized them from left to right on the screen in an order to space out more dramatic ones between more lighthearted ones. Any order the player wants to go with is totally valid!

Hi! It's Step 4 a paid dlc or update? And how long it's planned to be? Ps. Love the game! 

The Step 4 epilogue is free! The Cove Wedding DLC does cost money, though. Those are planned to be shorter than the usual Steps/DLCs.

Will we have options for what sort of job the MC might have by the time step 4 takes place? 

Yeah, you can. It’s not super exact or detailed, but there are options about it.

Is there a pandemic in Our Life world, or is it just in a better timeline with no pestilence? 

Our Life is pandemic-free! That didn’t exist when we began working on the project and it’s not something we’d like to feature in this story now that it has unfortunately come along, aha.

Hi, you said that you can play tic-tac-toe or hangman with Cove in Boating if you're sick/scared but I keep getting tic-tac-toe. Am I doing something wrong?

After being sick/scared you have to continue to be upset/unwell. If you calm down and decide to just chill you’ll end up playing tic-tac-toe.

Hi, GB Patch! Since Lee was initially commissioned to only appear in two Steps does this mean she won't appear in the Wedding DLC? I really like her character so it'll be a little weird to not have our cousin at our wedding, aha.

She is gonna be in Step 4/the wedding DLC after all! We’re still working with her creator to make sure it fits with what they wanted.

Is Sunset Bird based on a real place? Asking for a friend, not trying to move there or anything. 👀

It’s based on small beach towns in So-Cal, but not one specific town you could go see in real life, I’m afraid. It’d be nice if it was real, though.

—– —– —– —–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[dramarising-replacement]

G1 Hoarder Revamp and the Mountain of Salt

Can we all just acknowledge how much of a total fuck up the new G1 ping system is? I feel bad because they obviously went through so much work and beta testing for this system but it’s absolutely garbage in practice. This isn’t meant as a huge roast (even though I do think the creators could do with getting knocked down a few pegs given how poorly they’ve treated people through this entire process, oops) but I hope they at least see this and see things that they can work on. Obviously, going to them and sharing this stuff in person isn’t possible since L from arcane is notorious for gossiping and overall not super trustworthy, so anon route we go. I’ll give credit where credit is due: they definitely tried to go on the right path and the coding is good in theory. The big issue here is that they tried to fix something that was not great but worked with something that is not great and barely works. Sure there are some good things about the new ping system: if it’s not busy it’s not longer than six or seven minutes to do all of it for a few dragons, which, compared to the previous method? Pretty good timing. Helps automatically tag some colorgroups without having people confused about if their dragon counts or not, and uh... probably something else. The cons far outweigh the pros though: -sheet can only be used one at a time: terrible in theory, terrible in practice, there’s no queue system either so you’re not even guaranteed to go next even if you’ve been waiting ages. This becomes a nightmare around any holiday, as we’ve seen around notn, since everyone flocks to the ping generator and then quickly abandons after seeing the mess there. This should have been something that they found a way to work with from the start, especially since the previous spreadsheet, despite how long it took to sift through if you were actually assed to do all the specifics, could still be used by multiple people. -userface issues: going into the spreadsheet and it may all just be blank, does this mean someone’s using it? Someone isn’t? If you go ahead and assume not you’re going to get warned that you overrode someone since they get the ID to your dragon, if you don’t assume then you end up waiting for ages like an idiot and someone else swoops up the opportunity. The loading bar on the side doesn’t help give that info either since it constantly reloads due to the poorly planned code. Where users have their cells selected also doesn’t help since that isn’t always accurate. There are many times where the loading bar isn’t seen going, there isn’t any visible text on the screen, no comment in the box, but it’s still in use. This isn’t viable for anyone, especially not people who don’t fully understand how the system works. If you’re going to make it for only one person’s use at a time, you need to ensure it’s easier to see what’s going on for everyone. -laggy as all get out: sure, I don’t have to go through 15 pages of different types of pings on the old G1 pinglist and shovel through all the duplicates and specifics list people, but having more than 13 dragons or even doing a bigger lair sale (or even just anything during notn) means you get to wait for the program to chug away for ages (as well as the easy chance for someone to just cut in halfway through a load and have you start all over again or wait) and hope that the three people behind you don’t get impatient or angry as you have to do three separate input sessions rather than massing them all together as you could with the previous spreadsheet. -poorly designed aesthetically: maybe this may sound petty to some, but the design of the system is pretty terrible in terms of layout and color choice. This isn’t to say it’s just ugly though; after speaking about it with people who aren’t neurotypical, have disordered thinking processes, and/or have generalized issues reading things (autism spectrum, dyslexia, semi-visually impaired, etc.) it’s pretty clear that the entire thing is not accessible whatsoever for anyone who can’t immediately decipher what anything is. Black text on bright red is not a good thing for most people beyond old MySpace edgies. If you, as someone without reading or comprehension difficulties, are having a difficult time focusing on it: maybe consider how difficult it’d be for anyone else. The way the rules or tutorial section is laid out also does not help in terms of accessibility! It’s clunky and hard to read, does not flow well, and doesn’t explain as thoroughly as you may think. If you’re someone who uses coded spreadsheets often? Yeah sure, it might be understood. If you’re not? Welp. Good luck kiddo. -very poor user help: this is on the mods or creators more than the spreadsheet itself. If someone has a problem, the first thing you should do is talk with them to find the difficulty and tackle it from there. I’ve seen, multiple times now, where either N (plague) or L (arcane) straight up tell people that they can’t help them and that they should just read the guide on the front page. Like sure, they read them, but something is tricky for them and they’re asking for help. They can read the rules and guide again but without outside help, guess what? Not gonna help them. If you just keep linking them the forum or telling them to read the first page it won’t actually help anyone! One of your jobs as the creators here is to help the community that you made it for, not just parrot that they need to read. Be better. Add that to a system which is not forgiving of any mistakes whatsoever and it becomes a terrible little cocktail. Also does not help that, despite their sugar attitude about having people test it in discord servers, the creators l and r/p (both arcane) don’t actually help people who need help using it. -wait times/queue: this ties in to an earlier point, but there’s no way to organize who goes next. Sure, it might sound strange, but when you have to wait ages to get access despite you being there ahead of anon llama/drama/dingdong/animal because they can all hop in ahead of you, it becomes frustrating. People don’t always type in that itty bitty box to say what they’re doing, and people easily erase it or write over it, or they just outright ignore it. Obviously not everyone is going to do that, but it’s way too easy for people who are greedy/entitled to step over those who are being polite and patient. -no quick ping options this is also kind of minor, but at least with the old spreadsheet you could just click in and say “okay, I just want to ping XXY general for this because I have a quick sale.” Guess what: nah. You have to go through the entire chugging process and queue and everything else just to get that snippet of information on who to ping. What once took maybe five clicks is now five minutes to thirty depending on how many people are using it. Wanna quick check if a dragon with XYZ colours you hatched is one that someone wants specifically? Nah, fuck you. You have to input all the data and wait instead of just doing what was once a super easy quick search. There is so much other shit wrong with this system and I’m honestly surprised N (plague) allowed them to do this. Sure, the old pinglist could have done with some updating, but that should have been done in the form of clearing redundant double pings, maybe a way to sort through specifics like ‘male only’ and mass copy names there. Quality of life things, not this just... total mess. I understand that L and R/P got it into their heads that they needed to fix it and that they wanted to take over the entire system themselves, but they should have kept their pride out of it for once. The sheet to input what dragons you want is also another entire nightmare. It’s frustrating to go through the google poll a dozen times to say exactly what colors/eyes/gender/pasta-shape/siesta-fiesta under the sun you want rather than have a quick way to input it by drop-downs or even just a text based option like the old one had. It’s so easy to forget what you put in or which one you want to put in this time, so easy to end up making mistakes that you don’t see, etc. It’s just not an effective system. It’s great in theory, and sure, it’s all sparkly and new, but it’s like admiring an aluminum trash can. Shiny and sparkly under the sun, still holding a whole lot of hot garbage though. I understand that some people may find it easier, and that’s great! I’ve used it for a few things and yeah, it’s okay, but I wish the old one was back given all the grief and frustration this one has caused. Obviously I’m not in the place to be like DO THIS OR DO THAT since I’m not the one making the sheet here, but I do feel like the people who use it have every right to give commentary and feedback where possible. Even moreso when the creators and team aren’t actually as welcoming as they try to appear to be. As much as it sucks, a lot of L and R/P’s (primarily L) false niceties have kind of come to the surface lately which makes this whole situation just that much more awkward. If people don’t feel like they can approach you because they know you’ll rip into them here or on the anon site immediately, maybe you shouldn’t be a main creator of something for the user base or a mod for a bigger group. Just some side-thought to all this other stuff. Big post, big rambles, I can’t bring myself to organise it though because I’m pretty fed up and tired. Take from this what you may, but basically fix your shit new G1 Hoarder peeps.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello, Autism nonny here with a very negative update :/…

So, after sending the message, I didn’t get a reply until yesterday. She said “Are you serious?? You don’t seem autistic.” I then explained to her that everyone on the spectrum is different and Autism doesn’t have a specific “look”, even though many people believe it does. I won’t go into detail but we had a very long conversation, she was really annoying me and it didn’t even seem like she was trying to understand at all, when I’d put so much effort into writing the message (it took me days). I got angry and she got angry and it turned into an argument (all via text). I said something along the lines of “why can’t you see how hard this is for me” (although in a more heated way) and she replied with “Not my fault you’re a (r-slur).”.....yeah.

Since then, she’s messaged me and apologised multiple times and told me it was something she said in the heat of the moment, when she was angry, she didn’t mean it at all. I want to believe her but, honestly, that doesn’t seem like something you’d say in the “heat of the moment”. And I have a nasty feeling that, in that period of time before she apologised, she said something untrue to my other friends or twisted the words of my first message and made me seem like a freak. (This is one of the disadvantages of everything being online).

I seriously worked myself up about it last night and cried for hours haha (I’m sensitive, okay?) and now I really dunno what to do. I don’t have to see her (or any of my other classmates) in person for at least a month, maybe longer, but I’m really worried. I’m honestly not sure whether i want to forgive her because, even though I dont believe she’d deliberately be ableist or anything, I really don’t trust her anymore. This is basically a repeat of what happened last time and it’s all a huge fucking mess. And, sad as this is, I don’t have many other friends, so now I don’t know where I stand with them. Now I have to go to online school and pretend nothing happened which is gonna be fun...not. I really can’t deal with this on top of everything else I’ve been dealing with and I’m very stressed.... joy.

Right, sorry for ranting again, and sorry to not be able to say anything positive...

Nonny xxx

(referencing this thread)

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Oh goodness, I am so so sorry that everything went tits up. Unfortunately, this is something I don’t think I should say “you must / mustn’t” other than, do what you feel in your heart is right. 

For me personally, your friend crossed a line and broke your trust when she used re*d as a slur against you, especially after you pouring your heart out, taking time out to explain yourself, only to then turn around and act first like Not-Your-Friend as an initial response after DAYS of having the information, and THEN acting like her outburst was no big deal? I’m sorry, but that’s a dick move, and you have every right to be upset and angry. Google exists, she has no excuse for NOT learning about autism and what NOT to do when a friend tells her something deeply personal.

In my humble opinion, she showed her true colours here. She’s supposed to be your closest friend and she calls you a slur in a fit of rage? Fuck off with that nonsense.

BUT.

I’m not in the habit of breaking up friendships, and I also react rather badly to someone hurting me, and I MAY have just been overly defensive here. And while I don’t think it’s your job to educate her (again, Google exists), perhaps say “look, what you said hurt me, and broke my trust in you. I’m willing to remain friends but please know that it will take me some time to not feel like you’re always judging me. In the meantime, I politely request you read [insert link to information about your type of autism here] and understand why it hurts me what you did. We’re supposed to be friends, and if I can’t trust you to even accept me, I don’t see how this can ever be resolved.”

Okay, maybe not EXACTLY like that, because it’s still kinda passive aggressive, but you get the picture: let her know you are hurt, feel betrayed and unworthy of her friendship, and offer some education for her. It leaves the ball in her court on whether she wants to be the one to break up the friendship or not.

Which again, will reveal her true colours, and a person like that isn’t worth having in your life. Yes, we are all flawed individuals, and are ALL ignorant of things until we learn more about something, and that’s just being human. What makes one a good human is if one is open to listening and being empathetic to others. That’s important, I think.

I’m so sorry sorry Nonny. I know my word is pointless, but let me say here: You are fine just as you are. I’m sorry you have to go through this... having a crumbling friendship is a terrible thing to go through. Big hugs to you, and I hope for the best for you and that it all turns around <3

Love you Nonny <3

[cupidmarwani-archive]

Smoking

Nat: Was anyone going to tell me that Crockett was a parent

Nat: Or was I just supposed to find that out from his mental breakdown today myself?

Ethan Choi: ?????

connor: @crickett

crickett: yeah her name is nunya

Queen Elsa: I know where you’re going with that and it’s not very nice

crickett: neither is having ur coworker tell everyone about ur dead daughter lmao

Nat: I didn’t know…

crickett: well do u see me bopping up to work with a six year old nat

Dr. Lanik: Let’s all take a deep breath

no-ah: insensitive!

April: Noah woke up this morning, he’s still intubated but he’s able to text

Nat: That’s good news, right?

Bekker: Sorry I’m still caught up on the Crockett thing

crickett: why are yall in my business fuck off

FreeWilly: watch your profanity

Dr. Lanik: @Nat @Bekker as you’re both parents as well you should know better than to be so insensitive about what’s clearly an emotional subject. We’re not going to talk about this unless Crockett wants to.

Crickett: @Dr.Lanik i respect u and u only.

no-ah: topic change -- what crusty mother fucker made me bleed into my lungs

Bekker: Med Student

April: This is why I don’t think we should have let a med student do it

Other Bekker: piping hot tea today ig

connor: u consented to med students

no-ah: fair

crickett: anyone in this thread smoke weed

Other Bekker: jhjgfjhgf

Other Bekker: ((yes))

Other Bekker: ((are you allowed to smoke?))

crickett: yes can we hotbox ur car after work

Ethan Choi: >:(

connor: hotboxing doesn’t mean sex babe it just means they smoke inside with the windows rolled up

Bekker: That’s bad for your lungs

Other Bekker: to be fair im trying to make sure i dont smoke around our daughter

Bekker: Fair point

Dr. Lanik: No smoking weed!

FreeWilly: what are you a cop

crickett: call the cops bitch ill have sex with them

Maggie <3: Is anyone else invited to your lil smoking session

Nat: @Maggie<3 ??????

Maggie <3: What? I have a med card, it actually really helps with the physical (and mental!) side effects of chemo. And honestly, getting high with Crockett sounds like a lot more fun than putting CBD oil under my tongue, taking a couple pills, and going to bed.

crickett: mags is welcome but the rest yall can perish

Other Bekker: @crickett you bring the food ill bring the weed

Other Bekker: @Maggie<3 bring your beautiful self

crickett: i love bonding <3

no-ah: homophobic that i wasnt invited

April: YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH PNEUMONIA

no-ah: and?

-

Ethan Choi: I didn’t know Crockett had a daughter

Connor Rhodes: me neither. u would think hed tell us

Ethan Choi: I mean, if she’s dead it makes sense he wouldn't wanna talk about it

Ethan Choi: Maybe that’s why he came here

Ethan Choi: Should we bring it up?

Connor Rhodes: u do realize hes still staying with sarah and ava right

-

Other Bekker: UPDATE

Other Bekker: everyone should smoke with @crickett at least once

Dr. Lanik: This is a work groupchat

FreeWilly: i say this with love… baby please smoke a joint it would vastly improve your quality of life and everyone elses

Ethan Choi: You better not be using one of those dab pens(?) they can damage your lungs

[Other Bekker has sent an image to the chat]

Other Bekker: ofc not we’re using a bong with a vagina on it

April: Why are you like this

April: Noah is now showing me where you bought it

April: First of all I don’t need a bong, second of all, why would I want one with that on it, third of all, why does Noah know where to buy genital themed drug products

Nat: I love you but take a moment to think about it

Dr. Lanik: Is there anyone in this chat who isn’t smoking weed

Queen Elsa: Me but I kind of want to try

April: Natalie and I don’t

Ethan Choi: I don’t

Bekker: I don’t anymore

Dr. Lanik: Well I don’t care if some of you are, just keep it out of the work chat please?

-

Doctor Malpractice: Sarah can we actually stop talking about it 

Doctor Malpractice: it’s making jimmy uncomfortable

Sarah: yeah np ill bring it up to crockett and maggie too

-

Queen Elsa: Can I vent?

crickett: go for it

Queen Elsa: All due respect to Dr. Charles, he fucking sucks and treats me like a toddler. I get that he’s trying to do his job, but he does know that I’m literally also a person with anxiety and autism and I guarantee I understand them better than he does. He always makes me feel guilty for trying to help patients, and a couple weeks ago he was acting like I was crazy but I’m not. It just makes me feel like such shit.

Other Bekker: first of all go off

Other Bekker: second of all i know how you feel. he was like that with me too. it really sucks and ive got your back if you need anything at all

Queen Elsa: Thank you <3

Maggie <3: I’ve never seen you use a heart emoji! That’s so adorable

Queen Elsa: And you’ll never see me do it again.

Dr. Lanik: If you want, I can talk to him about it. We’re both department heads, but at the end of the day, it’s /my/ ED and he can’t treat you like that.

Queen Elsa: That’s really not necessary and would probably end with me crying when he confronts me about it so no thanks, but I appreciate the offer.

crickett: just let us know if u need anything hon

Ethan Choi: There’s still leftovers of Crockett’s latest seafood extravaganza so if you want me to bring you lunch tomorrow I can

Queen Elsa: Crockett’s been bringing me lunch, I’m okay.

Other Bekker: we eat like kings now at my house

Other Bekker: the kid adores him too. calls him uncle kett and everything

connor: that is too cute

-

HUBBY: Hey

HUBBY: When are you coming home? Connor and I miss you

-

Dr. Bekker (Brunette): hey maggie elsa and i are gonna go to the beach and get high tonight wanna come

Crockett: hell yeah

-

Dr. Lanik: @EthanChoi @connor @Bekker come to the ED immediately. @April find Maggie and Elsa’s emergency contacts. 

Dr. Lanik: EMT just brought in victims of a car crash. Maggie, Elsa, Sarah, and Crockett

Nat: Oh my God.

[dmitri-smerdyakov]

So it’s been a while, huh?

I don’t know how many people are actually still following this blog/are interested in it but...hi again! I already wrote a post sort of explaining where I disappeared to and why (long story short: it was tumblr staff’s fault) but I also want to talk to you guys properly and update you all on what’s been going on since.

I don’t want to abandon this blog but I have another blog that I’m using now -> it’s @alwaysahiccupandastrid. It’s not as Beasts oriented as this one was, I’m afraid, but still feel free to follow it and chat to me! It’s much like this blog was when I used it in that I don’t really post exclusively for one fandom, it’s just a mix of whatever I like!

Anyway, updating! I already told you guys that I graduated university in July, finished my degree...that was stressful! A lot went down at university but it sorted itself out in the end and I survived! Our final assessment was at the end of May, and we performed a show that we created four times, three nights and one matinee. I’m very proud of what we achieved all things considered! But yes...I am no longer a university student!

What else has changed?

I no longer work for the cinema anymore - I quit a few weeks ago after getting a job at a fancy hotel that was supposedly better...I quit the day after my first shift because I had a “me too” experience with another employee...without too much detail, he touched and started kissing me, and I left. I struggled for a couple of weeks trying urgently to get a new job, and I’m now working for Superdrug! My first shift was Wednesday afternoon/evening and I’m excited to start properly! It’s not permanent: I’m also hoping to hear back from Nikon soon about an admin position that’s closer to home and pays extremely well!

I no longer see that therapist who likes Harry Potter - I think I talked a little bit on here about my counsellor who was also a Harry Potter fan and who I liked? Yeah...turns out not so much? I stopped going to her because she a) screamed at me for waiting in the waiting room until my bus was due to arrive down the road and b) she got pissed because I couldn’t do a few certain weeks due to show rehearsals. I’m honestly all the better for it frankly.

More tattoos! - Okay so it’s not a super important thing but it’s a change so...! I think when I was last on his blog I had 3 tattoos - I now have 8! So in addition to the wand, the “worrying means you suffer twice”, and the Deathly Hallows symbol, I now have a tattoo of Leta’s flower from the Lestrange family tree (with her name and the words “beautiful. Separate.”; a tiny tattoo of Harry’s scar/glasses; a Night Fury/Toothless tattoo with the words “heart of a chief” and “soul of a dragon”; the Chief symbol from HTTYD 2; and the words “Night Fury” in Viking runes.

My hair?! - Again, not important but hey! Let’s celebrate! My hair finally grew back and is now blonde! It’s not too long, just about to my shoulders, and my roots are dark blonde whilst the bottom is more bright blonde from dying it in March. It’s silly but hooray!

I met Kevin Guthrie in March! - I met Mr Abernathy himself at Comic Con in London and he was LOVELY. He was such a wonderful man, so cheerful and amazing with the fans. I had some pretty interesting conversations with him about Fantastic Beasts and whether he’ll be in the next one...we shall see! He also told us that Poppy Corby-Tuech (Vinda Rosier) is “all about the cosplay”! And ofc I got some photos with him :)

I’m now 21 - my birthday was obviously in January and I’m old(er) 😂😭 I didn’t do anything too special, just saw CoG with the family and then a few days later went to the WB Studio Tour again (which was amazing because my sister has a friend who works there and was showing us props lots of people won’t ever see!)

Mental Health crap - Obviously I’m not “cured” or anything. I’m still on Sertraline for my depression (haven’t taken the anxiety one for a while but that is a whole other kettle of fish!) and I still have problems but I’m not as low as I have been these past few years on this blog. I’m proud to say that I have been self-harm free since about March or April (it’s hard to remember since the months blur together), and I’m genuinely all the better for it! Part of it is because I didn’t want to damage my tattoos on my arms but it’s also because I’ve managed to resist the urge as well!

^ Having said that, I’m on the waiting list to see a doctor/specialist because my GP said there was a possibility I could have autism/Aspergers/be on the spectrum. It’s a LONG waiting list in the UK so it could be a while until I see a specialist, but there’s that. It’s not a bad thing necessarily since it might be a step closer to making sure I get the exact treatment/help I need.

Fandom junk - I already mentioned in my earlier posts that since late February/early March, I’ve gotten REALLY into How To Train Your Dragon. It’s now my main fandom, in fact, which is sad because the last film has come out and there’s just a half an hour Christmas special left to be released this winter 😭 but HTTYD has had such an impact on my life and my mental state, like it has genuinely made me so much happier and (in my opinion) a better person. I still love Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter (I even went to King’s Cross at the beginning of the month for Back to Hogwarts Day!) but it’s not my main fandom right now; I had to take a breather from Beasts and the Beasts fandom because it’s really not a great place to be at times. But I’m still into it and I’m waiting for the third film to come out in 2021!

Other random/rather unimportant stuff:

My bed is now overrun with Build a Bear dragons (and the odd baby Niffler)

My sister turned 18 and I’m so...old? I feel so old now omg

I’ve been trying to help the environment by taking little steps like going out litter picking (both on my own and with my dad) whenever I can, and I’ve been using the Ecosia search app as much as possible (for every 45 searches, they’ll plant a new tree!)

I went to Disneyland Paris again in June and it was a lot of fun, I met Peter/Wendy/Alice/Mad Hatter again, there was a false alarm because some twat left their bag at the meet and greet so they had to get the sniffer dog and everything, and I also met Donald Duck, Stitch, Tiana/Naveen AND Rapunzel (Rapunzel is my sister’s absolute favourite, so I’m happy she got to meet her!)

This may be super lame but I got so happy because I got noticed on Twitter several times by Jay Baruchel (the guy who plays Hiccup in How To Train Your Dragon - he’s so awesome and loves the character btw), his fiancée who’s a model keeps liking some of my posts on Instagram, and Cressida Cowell, who wrote the original How To Train Your Dragon books (which are vastly different to the movies but omg they’re so amazing?!), liked a tweet I sent her about my Toothless tattoo and she loved it?! I’m having a good year celebrity/famous people wise for some reason?! 😂❤️

I dont know if my blog was still in use when this happened but I’ll mention it anyway... I SAW EZRA AGAIN IN DECEMBER!! I went to watch Sons of an Illustrious Father play in London and it was GLORIOUS. Ezra Miller is GLORIOUS.

(I won’t post pictures of all the stuff here but... soon maybe?)

So that’s all I can think of...it’s been so long since I used this blog and I felt bad just abandoning it, so here we are.

I don’t know how much I’ll still use this blog, but as I said, I definitely don’t want to just abandon it. At the moment, I’m logged into this account on my iPod and onto my account on my phone, and I think I’ll keep it that way. I don’t know how much posting I’ll do here but I’ll still be around, and I’ll try to see if I can keep this blog alive alongside my current one, if people want me to!

I hope you guys are doing well, and I’m glad to have this blog back. Even if you follow my new blog and have been for the last few months, it’s still awesome to be talking to guys again on this account!

If you guys want to chat or say anything, feel free! Like I said, if people still want me to be active on here then just let me know and I’ll do my best! ☺️

[autisticsuperpower]

Life Update & The Inspiration For This Next Chapter! ❤️✌️

I never really fully understand the reason behind expectations.

Why we allow ourselves to go beyond our limits in order to please others.

I’m sorry for putting myself down.

I’m sorry for being way too tough on myself.

I’m sorry for rushing things in order to get further and further ahead instead of living in the now.

It’s so fascinating of how people think that I’d have it all down by now.

3 years out of college, people would think that I would still be living on my own, that I would have found a job straight out of college, and have a girlfriend to add to all of it.

Not to mention the stress of everyday adult life of being completely 100% independent while living on the Autism Spectrum.

There’s a lot of expectations and a whole lot of pressure and in life, that can really be a lot to handle.

There comes a point though when you feel like you’ve become shipwrecked and you’re not fully sure what path you’re going to take next.

That point when you get lost and not sure which decisions to make next as an adult.

That’s when you realize that you have to just stop and start all over.

Start from scratch.

You know, one of my friends has told me several times of how proud she is for how far I’ve come in life. Amazingly enough, she’s right.

As I’ve gotten older over the years, I’ve come to terms with my imperfections and my self-doubts that have graciously allowed me to move forward in life.

It’s funny in some strange way that every little detail has made up part of the journey that has allowed me to be who I am today.

There’s always the Autism part of myself, but there’s also so much more than that.

I am strong.

I am humble.

I am a warrior.

I am a fighter.

I’m committed, devoted, & dedicated.

I am grounded.

And most of all, I am me.

A big breakthrough lately for me, though, has been being able to let go of being perfect all the time and being flexible in the working world which is not the easiest characteristic for me.

I’ve always had my own routines down from the time I was a baby and to not have those set routines anymore was very confusing.

I was no longer a student and everyday was different now.

How am I supposed to adapt to all this change so fast?

That was when I realized that I had to go back to basics and learn that it’s okay to take my time in a whole new way.

I was born and raised in the Bay Area by two parents who were so unconditionally loving and supportive and who have had my best intentions at heart since the day I was diagnosed as Autistic.

My parents went straight to work and really put in the time and commitment to focus on my development.

My mom gave up her job to raise me and my little sister while my dad worked long hours to earn money so that my parents could pay for all the speech therapy, ABA therapy, social groups, occupational therapy, you name it, everything.

When I started school, my parents spent a lot of time meeting with the teachers, para-educators, the principal, speech therapists, special educators, everyone really to champion for my future success.

I didn’t really understand how much attention I got as a child until I grew much older to see how big of a transformation I turned out to be.

So in a way, when I’m teaching to my kids now is in a sense what I’m paying back to my childhood teachers because they really made sure that I was accepted in a normal classroom setting.

I wasn’t downgraded or given the cold shoulder, I was just like every other student in the eyes of my teachers.

I became very grounded at that age to know that I was going places, but I never expected to go completely full-circle.

Being Autistic is something different from what a lot of people stereotype it to be.

Being Autistic to me is going along your own path in life and following your gut instincts.

Such was the reason why I moved to SoCal for my time in college and it was the liberating freedom for the first time in my life to be on my own and get to make my own choices, which are deeds beyond taken for granted.

Being given the chance to be happy again and to truly feel alive whole heartedly.

And a few years later after graduating and working from the bottom to the top, I’m alive again.

This inspiration for this next chapter in my life was finding purpose in life again.

Not just finding that path to continue pushing the boundaries of what is possible for people on the spectrum.

It’s pretty much finding that happy soul again who got so lost navigating in this crazy world of adulting.

I stepped so far back from that soul who wasn’t really sure of what to do with his life, and if it meant going away back to his roots to figure it all out for three years, realizing who you are again, and working from the bottom to the top before stepping back out on your own, then that’s what you have to do.

Now is the time to venture out again.

Now is the time to smash expectations all over again.

Now is the time to conquer the impossible again.

I’m ready to sprout my wings once again and fly on my own.

I’m ready to master this next chapter.

Los Angeles, I’m coming home.

USC MAT 2021 ❤️✌️

[this-brownie]

3.28.20

Coronavirus

Levi and I are in Florida right now, quarantining ourselves from the coronavirus. its already our 5th day here— we left nyc on the morning of 3/24. Levi drove literally 14 hours in one day, we finally got a few hours rest in savannah and then booked it again until we reached west palm beach. were staying at an airbnb and its pretty spacious, clean, and has an amazing heated pool. the owners live right next to us which is annoying because it feels like our parents are watching over us. other than that, the weather has been beautiful and everything else is relatively comfortable. we did $700 worth of groceries so that we wouldn't have to leave the house and potentially get sick. I have to admit I'm loving being a homemaker— my daily decisions include what bikini to wear to the pool, what to make and eat for each meal, and who to talk on the phone with. I feel really privileged and blessed that I have Levi; because of him I am able to live in comfort and not worry about having a roof over my head or whether I will get to eat. because of this whole virus shit, im not working at either of my jobs. my first job is as a behavior technician, where I teach life skills to little children with autism. nyc shut its schools down which means we can't continue our services either because its not safe to be outside right now and to gather with many people. my supervisor is aware of her employee’s financial struggles so she's instituted paid online training where we can at least have a little income while the situation blows over. in my other job, I work as a receptionist and JUST got promoted to management but unfortunately haven't been able to work one day in my new position. how life works. thankfully, my boss called me (and all the other staff) to update us on when he will be reopening the salon and how things will be going forward. he said I may have to take on a bigger role in the future. that makes me hopeful that he isn't thinking about firing me, so for now I will continue to be patient.

other than my own lack-of-work problems, I am doing okay. Levi makes enough money that I technically don't have to be working. I feel fucking lucky that I don't have to stress about my finances or any external factors. true, Levi is still stressing and working away; since he works remotely anyway, his job has not been affected. but for me personally, I am trying not overthink or become anxious about the outside world. in the end, I don't have the ability to create any type of change. this may sound hopeless but actually it is just helping me to let go of things that are not in my hands. I still worry about my family and friends, about small business owners, about the economy, about how the world will look once we come out of this, but I am tying to distance myself from it as much as I can. im in the middle of Florida— escaped far from my home, so I will let that guide my emotions. I am here now, I will just have to make the best of it. Levi smokes and he wanted to leave for two reasons. the first is because nyc is incredibly packed and there is a much higher chance of becoming infected simply because of how crowded the city is, the lack of space, and the amount of people who still have to go to work despite being sick or not. the second reason is that Florida has less people, and enough hospitals so that should anything happen to us we can still access healthcare without being put on an intense wait, or possibly dying while waiting. its true that Florida has more old people— from what I see of Italy, the older generation is getting sick, and dying, at such a rate that hospitals are deciding to prioritize younger lives— so if we do get sick, I think they would probably, hopefully, take care of us first. its fucked up but so is life in general.

I believe the govt wants to kill people by the masses which is why not a lot is being done in terms of efficiently safekeeping people. how does a country like the us which has so much wealth and the “greatest military in the world” unable to have the resources to take care of its sick, not properly enforce people to stay inside, and give priority on bailing companies out rather than individuals or families? by choice. the more people die, the more the rest will become scared and be willing to give up their rights. I wonder if people will take a step back and think, just weeks ago all these minimum wage workers were called “low skilled”, uneducated, and useless and YET here we are, relying on them to keep us fed, to transport us, to have things running smoothly. how do we allow that as a society. if these minimum wage workers weren't fucking desperate and already worried about feeding their families, they would not put up with it. that's how capitalism works, it literally exploits workers who don't have better options. people are probably too scared right now to do anything. they need these shitty jobs, this shitty pay. I read a meme that said “I received a letter that said I am an essential employee, and a paycheck that clearly said I am not”. that's what the fuck these people are being forced to endure. its not like the big companies are gonna die out. and even if they do, fucking let the. all of these motherfuckers are so greedy, fucking Jeff Bezos has a fundraiser so that people can donate to his sick workers. motherfucker, what the fuck are YOU doing? richest man on earth, biggest piece of shit. I hope he fucking dies. and okay, lets say these people are not important, let them die. the poor, the homeless, the druggies, the mentally insane, the losers. let them die out. what about the ‘worthy’? the ones battling it out in the hospitals and healthcare industry. they don't even have proper attire to protect them from the very ones they are trying to save. what about them? don't we care enough to help them either? if every doctor and nurse get infected, who is going to be left to take care of the rest of the population? what's the point. even if these people want to be selfish they can't. the govt would willingly let us die out rather than give us a cent. I hope people can see through this veil, can see through their issues and hinderances and see where the problem lies. when we finally understand that WE are them, we are the poor, we are no better than the next, we are not motherfucking Jeff bezos, only then can we come together and ignite a revolution. until then, these are just thoughts circling my head. 

I am trying to take this time to work on some hobbies that I don't have time for in my usual life. thank god I don't have to worry about children to feed. thank god I don't live paycheck to paycheck. thank god I live with my husband, my companion, and am not stuck in a household where I would feel extremely stuck. I feel extremely grateful that I can treat this escape like a vacation, when so many others are struggling. because I am unable to help others much, I am trying to focus on bettering myself as much as I can. my goals are to cook daily, practice my French, work out by doing krav maga, yoga or regular home workouts, read some books, and routinely start to write again. the most I can do for my loved ones is be there emotionally and possibly send them some money. I had a little sum of money saved up which I gave to my mom before I left, and still have a little left for whoever else may need. I hope this all ends soon and we come out better and stronger, because the alternative would be devastating.

[iskaudiir]

Hey this post is gonna be long and vent-y, so I’m gonna dump it behind a read more. I hope this post will help someone though, and if not that it at least sheds some light on things for people. Feel free to reblog if you want.

I wanna start by saying that I in no way think I’m special or that my situation is the worst it could be, I know there are people who struggle more than I do and that they may not have the means to explain or seek help for their situation and that I hope very much that they can find happiness in their lives at some point.

So I’m 19, moved out the same month I graduated high school, living with a couple roommates who’re friends in the northwest, working 40 hours a week and trying to go to college next year. That’s about the best I can summarize my situation with I suppose.

Now I guess I’ll start at the beginning.

So I never knew my father, he left before I was born so it was just me and my mom, she didn’t go to college so she worked in a tattoo parlor.

She worked really hard and didn’t have much time or energy to do things with me, so I spent a lot of time at day care, the YMCA, being with a babysitter or something similar. When she was around I really wanted her attention but she would usually turn me down and watch TV so I’d go outside and explore by myself or friends. I spent a lot of time by myself, my mother seemed disinterested, so did my babysitter who was in college and couldn’t care less, and the same goes for my day care provider who was just doing her job but wasn’t afraid to grab you by the ear and drag you to timeout. Sometimes I’d go to my mom’s tattoo parlor while she was working, I’d explore, walk around in the gravel parking lot, explore the back room with the soldering irons and stuff, look in the case full of piercings, flip through the book of tattoo designs, play the shinobi arcade cabinet in the front, try to watch my mom work or sit and look at a magazine.

I was usually pretty lonely as a child so I did make a few local friends, some were just bullies I hung out around because they let me hang around. One of them stole my gameboy once. And another I would do stuff with and she’d call me names while her parents drank and smoked cigarettes in their house. My babysitter would bring me to parties where she’d play drinking games with her friends and I’d ask to play too and just use chocolate milk. Once I got lost in an apartment complex she brought me to and hung out with a friend in, but I found her again of course.

My mom would buy me a lot of the things I wanted, but I still miss doing stuff with her more than anything. We ended up moving a lot too, maybe to find a new job, it was always an apartment or a trailer though and I felt bad about it because my friends always had nice houses and kind parents once I got into grade school. I was sad to leave my friends behind but I never had a choice, not like it would’ve been for the best anyways.

My mom always told me to do well in school and I tried very hard, whenever I’d get a detention or have to have my mom come for something I did in school I’d cry because I feel like she’d get really mad at me. And sometimes she did but she usually didn’t.

I felt different from the other kids a lot of the time so I’d try to act different and hang around people, but that didn’t always work. I wasn’t very good at talking either and I think that was because my day care provider thought I talked too much, she called me motor-mouth and I didn’t like that, but she was just teasing me so it was okay apparently.

A lot of my time in school was more of the same more or less, I just spent a lot of time by my own or with someone watching over me.

I’d spend some time with my family too, my grandma and grandpa seemed to care about me an awful lot and I liked spending time with them more than my mom or my other family members. All I really remember of my grandpa is listening to the song ‘I Wanna Get Lost In Your Rock N' Roll’ while he talked about things I was too young to understand and years later hearing about how he took his own life from your mother behind tears. One if my aunts was a very nice woman, she had a nice husband and two kids, my grandma liked one more than the other and I think that was unfair. The other aunt and her husband I very much despised. They had two children, one of them had autism and they hardly treated him the way they should’ve. They usually made their other son take care of him so they could have date nights and do other things. I don’t think they should’ve brought him into the world if they weren’t prepared for every possible outcome. They robbed one son of portions of his childhood to try and have him support his brother the way they should’ve done themselves. They had a house and plenty of money but they hardly got anything for either child. The bare minimum I say, they wanted to give him a traditional upbringing. But they made up what traditional meant as they went and I don’t think either one deserved it. I didn’t like being around them because their parents seemed cruel and hateful to me, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t have spent more time with them to help with their loneliness and concealed punishment. Some distant family I couldn’t put a label onto sold a lot of my great great grandpa’s antiques when he died and used the money to go to car shows in florida and look at things they’d never be able to afford and gawk at pointless contraptions that were as deadly and powerful as they were just as functional as many other vehicles. They weren’t much different from vultures, I feel.

In high school, the advanced classes I had taken in grade school became the norm, and I wasn’t special anymore and I struggled with the concept and the classes themselves. In junior year I failed my first class and I felt like such a huge failure and after my mom confronted me about it I hid under the covers, covered my face with a pillow and cried for an hour or something. After that semester I told myself that my performance didn’t matter, I just had to try my best and if that wasn’t enough then it didn’t matter anyways, I stopped feeling a lot of things after that and I stopped caring about so much. My grades all began to slip but I still managed to get out with a 3.0 GPA at the end of the year.

My mom always wanted me to do great in school and go to college and do everything she couldn’t. It’s apparent to me that she gave up on trying to make anything with her life and I feel like she’s living just to help me do what she couldn’t and it’s inspiring and makes my heart sink like a lead ball. I have lots of mixed feelings about my mother but at least she seems to care about me sometimes.

Later in my high school years I started playing an online game and joined a guild, I liked having a community I could do things in and my depression lifted a bit when I met someone in that community. They treated me well and seemed to care about me a lot, and I thought I loved them. I was really just in love with the feeling that you get when you know someone cares about you and is polite. In any case I started dating them. I was 17 at the time and they were 26.

It was going well for a while, they would vent to me frequently and I would always assure them that things would be okay and that they weren’t the awful person they thought they were. And I always made them feel better. We did ERPs in the game and talked about lots of relationship things and played games and spent time together, a lot of time when I wasn’t at school. They were unemployed so they were always around. Eventually they would get upset if I wanted time for myself, if I couldn’t update the RP document we maintained together, if I played games with other people, talked to other people too much, didn’t want to erp with them, etc. They got depressed when I’d get sad or otherwise upset when I’d go to do these things but I reassured them because it wasn’t their fault they felt this way and besides they were going to therapy for it and stuff. Anyways they were pressuring me to move out with them after high school as soon as possible so we could both be happy, at this point I wasn’t able to reassure them very well anymore and they asked to erp a lot more but I told them I didn’t want to because I was busy with finals. After I graduated, a friend bought me my plane ticket (not them) and they kept pressuring me to leave as soon as I could. The stress from trying to balance all of these things and move as quickly as I could resulted in me getting pretty ill, to the point where a cold evolved into an ear infection that started to mess with my hearing. I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics I had used despite having no previous allergy to them a year before, it could be stress or I could’ve been suddenly been allergic to it I guess.

At the airport I payed an extra $200 for my bag because it weighed too much, just clothes. My computer and equipment were in my backpack, a carry-on. Before I left my mom we hugged and I seen her cry the same way she did when my grandpa died and I still won’t forget her face. My flight was delayed and then canceled, I was lucky to get onto the only other flight bound for Seattle that day after waiting in line in customer service after the person in front of me was turned down for the same flight. Maybe I was lucky to get the service rep I did, maybe they just took pity on me for being so young. I was a kid in their eyes. The first flight went to California, I had to talk to another service rep their to get the ticket I should’ve gotten earlier for the other half, it was a good thing I thought to go there or else I would’ve been stuck there for who knows how long. I finally make it to seattle and spend 30 minutes looking for my bag, I get it and I met my S/O in the baggage claim area and we hugged and went to the car. They gave me one half of a couple’s necklace. I was jetlagged and a lot of thoughts were going through my head so I was a little unresponsive or otherwise not really wanting these things to be happening but I wasn’t going to say anything against it. We drove home with my two roommates in tow, they drove uncomfortable fast for me. I’m uncomfortable in cars for several reasons. Notably that I’ve lost a decent number of friends and family to car accidents but I suppose that’s not particularly abnormal, is it? Regardless, we got home, to my new home, it was dark when we got there. We walked to a grocery store and I got something to eat, a fruit tray with a bunch of different stuff with it. My s/o offered to microwave me a corndog before hand but I declined. After I had some fruit they wanted me to sleep with them but I said I wanted some time to adjust to things so I made a sleeping area in the living room. After I turned the lights out I thought of my mom’s face earlier that day and cried myself to sleep.This happened again the next few nights. The days crept on and I didn’t really know what I expected from the world, I thought it’d be happy and wonderful or something like that, I explored the area and it was kinda nice. I was uncomfortable with things in general but maybe I didn’t voice that enough. My s/o brought me around to visit their family and stuff but I didn’t feel particularly comfortable with it but I wasn’t going to stop them for some reason. After a while, we broke up. I made lots of mistakes in that relationship, but at the same time things didn’t hit me until I was actually there I guess. My ex threatened me with violence and turned the community I used to be in against me. One of the people I looked up to harassed me and called me immature, because an 18 year old in a relationship with someone almost 9 years older than them is at fault for everything that went wrong. It was the first time I called the police because I felt genuinely threatened, but maybe it was just nerves. The officer said it was my job to sort it out between us, and I felt like nobody could help me. I spent my last weeks in the apartment severely depressed, mostly sleeping or contemplating suicide or something dumb like that. Which reminds me that my ex said that they would get suicidal and similar things if I broke up with them, which might be important to mention. They also closely monitored my online activities and would confront me if I played a game that someone else played the same day instead of doing stuff with them. I ended up moving back home, something I couldn’t have afforded if a friend didn’t help me. After we broke up my ex couldn’t care less if I was homeless and voiced this multiple times. They also weren’t going to therapy like they said they had.

Back home things were back to the way they were, and this felt good until the pressure from my mother settled back onto me and I realized that nothing good waited for me back home and that the only life is the one I could make for myself in the northwest so I moved back in with my old roommates after my ex had gone and that’s where I still am.

I work 40 hrs a week and make $12 an hour, I pay 650 for rent a month and utilities/phone/and some other extra bills as you’d expect. I set aside my last paycheck just for those expenses but usually come up short anyways, each paycheck is about $750. I should be able to make it just fine with this much money but somehow I still struggle to do so. It’s probably because I’m self-indulgent and irresponsible, it’d make sense at least. With my mom’s help I recently took out a loan for furniture and building a new computer. It took a year but this house finally feels like a home to me, at the low cost of $300 a month. I doubt it was a smart decision but I think I should be able to do it, I should be able to make it on just $160 for food a month, I only eat two meals every day anyways, I don’t need the third one. Cereal and a sandwich is all I need, and all I’ve really had for the duration of my time here, You don’t get used to having the same thing over and over if you know you can’t afford to live otherwise. I tried applying to college this year but there were pre-reqs I failed to meet and I applied to late to get some of the documents I need so I’m going to try again next year. I want to make video games because they gave me a place to be myself and live a different life in a different world and I liked that. They helped me make friends and enjoy my time alone and I want to do that for other people too. I really hope I can get into this college and I’m hedging my bets with it, if I do get in then I won’t let this opportunity elude me. I promised myself that I’ll try my best. I’ll take on as much debt as I have to in order to make my dreams a reality because I think that’s all we have in the end.

One of my driving motivations is to improve the lives of others, I live for other people and the lives I can improve. In a thousand years our monuments and achievements may drift away, but the impacts we leave on other’s lives will last forever. You can change someone’s world and that’s what matters to me. I don’t understand how we can hate each other when we all bleed red and we all breathe air. How we can value family so much just because our culture says we should when they can be just as abusive and ravenous as wild dogs. There is only one person just like us that can change the world just as we can and I want to be the best me I can be. These are the things that drive me.

If you managed to read this far, then thank you and I hoped this helped you somehow. You aren’t alone and I know you can do great things with your life. Live the only life you have the way only you could live it and be the change you want to see in the world. One person can make a difference, do not forget that. You are powerful.

[an-aura-about-you]

*claps hands together* so it’s probably time for an update on my life for you guys because shit went down

Like, some of it is bad but I can already see good coming from this, so don’t fret too much going below the readmore.

Working at the bakery has proven stressful, to the point that I’ve been making mistake after mistake after mistake. Well-meaning and talented (?) as I am, there’s only so much of that my boss can take because 1.) we’re a bakery and it’s wedding season and 2.) we’re getting ready to reopen the new restaurant that’s been built to replace the one that burned down. So while I’m not off the schedule yet, they are looking for a replacement for me. The time before the meeting left me tense, even as I pretty much knew what was coming. And both sides of this, my managers and myself, are at least going to part on good terms. They were as kind as they could be about the situation, and I completely understand that this is simply a choice they have to make for the business. If it’s not a good fit for me OR for them, then I SHOULDN’T stay.

And since things HAVE been so stressful, stressful to the point of pain, I made an appointment with a therapist and actually had that a couple of hours after the meeting with my managers. We’re already getting on like a house on fire, and it was pretty early in our conversation that she said, “Has anyone ever suggested you might have autism?”

I had been kind of suspecting, but her saying it made me go, “Shit, that makes sense!”

In my case, it kinda got overlooked because my sibling’s situation was much more obvious than my own. In comparison, I was the “normal” kid. Believe me, I’d add more quotation marks around that but I’m pretty sure I’d take up most of the page if I did. Even before my own unofficial diagnosis, I’ve hated the notion that there’s something abnormal about autism when the abnormal thing is how autism is treated by people who aren’t autistic. And my therapist is very much of the same mindset, saying our goal is changing the external conditions of my life so that I can exist in it more comfortably rather than correcting some fictional internal problem. So hell yeah, I’m on board for this!

Along with that, I mentioned my leg, and she’s like, “Okay, not only am I really certain you have autism but that and your bad leg should qualify you for vocational rehab. I’m not a specialist, so I can’t OFFICIALLY diagnose you with autism, but if they want us to prove it by seeing a specialist then that’s what we want anyway.”

So there we go, getting out of a stressful job into a program that’s ideally gonna set me up with a much more comfortable job in every sense of the word.

What does this mean? A few things.

One, I’m probably gonna do some training, which I’m all for. My therapist had suggested I work as an x-ray tech, and honestly? That sounds surprisingly appealing.

Which means two, I’ll most likely get back to a more traditional daytime schedule and work week. I gotta say, constantly having four day weekends sounds nice in theory, but it did kinda leave me in a limbo of, “Do I even have a job?” when I’m away from it for so long without it officially being a vacation. And when you’re on night shift, all the time off hardly feels like you have any simply because there’s almost nothing to do where I live at night. I get the feeling I’ll enjoy having my time off spread out more evenly throughout the week.

And three, possibly the best part of this to me, leaving this job will mean no longer needing to see the bakery’s employee facebook page and I can finally get that awful app off my phone. Goodbye facebook, I will not miss you.

So I think that’s pretty much it! Being nocturnal’s been a kick, but all the same I’m looking forward to joining the world of the waking again.

[maigirasoli]

update part 2 - work

January - Work

Work wise, the head of HR at my work phoned me in January to tell me that the claim has been accepted and I no longer have to send in sick notes - it’s basically insurance from a separate company that accept a claim from my work so that I can still get some pay from work while I’m off ill (if that makes sense). And the claim company will get an independent doctor to review me every now and again to make sure the claim is still valid. The paperwork normally takes 3 months and the reviews are every 6 months or so but because the paperwork took so long to sort out my review is a lot sooner - next month.

I had an email a few weeks ago from her saying that the claim people had contacted her and they need me to fill out this form. It was 6 pages long and SO difficult to fill it because it was asking about symptoms, how it’s impacting on my daily life, how I manage doing daily activities, a summary of what I day in the mornings and afternoons for every day of the week, what’s stopping me from going back to work/what about my job can’t I do at the moment, what needs to change for me to go back to work etc. I also need to mention what support/treatment I’m getting. I got confused and thought I was seeing a doctor for a review but then because I got this form I thought oh that’s instead of but my dad is saying no I will see someone, the form is just the first step.

I also feel massively guilty because the HR lady and my line manager have been incredibly supportive since I’ve been off that I feel like I have to go back, even though I know that it wouldn’t be good for me and I hate it there. Feel so under pressure.

January - Work Experience

On that topic, I applied for work experience (at a veterinary practice) and voluntary work (at an animal rescue centre) at some point last year because for many years I’d had nursing in my head (both animal and human) and because I was in a better place than I am now, not massively better but better enough to think of a future of some kind - I thought I’d get some experience under way incase I do decide I definitely want to do this, I want a life and I’m going to go to college. For the college course (veterinary nursing) you need 2 weeks work experience done within the year that you apply and even though I’ve done work experience in the past it’s too long ago and would mean I’d have to find another placement. So I emailed loads of places and after a lot of no they’re fully booked or they don’t offer it, I asked my auntie (my ‘not real’ auntie, but my mum’s best friend that lives further South - that one!) if it was ok if I emailed places near her and my grampa the same. And I heard back from a vets near my auntie’s.

That went ahead, my mood had been gradually dropping at this point but I still thought no I can do this even if I don’t want a future, if I change my mind I have it there all completed, if I don’t then it’s just a few weeks of experience to get through and that’s that. I did 2 weeks there and the people were lovely, except for some girls really did make me feel like I was in school again and outrightly ignore me to my face or just give me dirty looks when I asked them a question. So petty, but anyway. I fainted the first day there oops (not because of blood, I’m not squeamish) and almost did on the last day.. was quite ‘funny’ (not funny) to think that could have happened on opposite ends of the placement days ha. I did feel like a spare part because there wasn’t much to do at all, a lot of standing around waiting for something that I could watch (it wasn’t like the work experience I did in Scotland years ago where I got so much involvement in what they did, I mean there were times I was standing around with nothing to do there too but not as much as this placement) but even the staff were saying this was unusually very quiet for them. BUT that’s what work experience is going to be like. It just doesn’t help my already negative frame of mind and me not wanting to be there.

Really struggled in that time especially with noise and social interactions and on particularly hard days, it was hard to function in general. One day in particular sticks out because I was crying as I came ‘home’ and I had to go back out to my car and drive somewhere because my auntie I don’t think understood what was going on and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk and so I said I was going to go out and ended up crying on the phone to my mum (of all people, yep. It actually went.. ok, I mean it was me crying for like half an hour but yeah) because I couldn’t get a hold of my dad and I needed to talk to someone so so badly and I was just in a state.

After the first week I’d had enough and wanted to go - not because I had no interest in that career and hated it but because my mood was/is low and I just didn’t want to do anything. I did stick it out for the two weeks though and I’m glad I did) and I would cry in my car at lunch times or after haha, how pathetic.

After hours of being out the house and being around people and noise etc I need to be able to just go to my room for a bit to breathe. I  NEED my own down time and space, but I wasn’t able to get it because obviously i’m not at home and can’t just go to my room. My auntie LOVES to talk a LOT so I’m having to listen and pay attention and try and have a conversation back and I just feel drained and tired and it’s all too much. She also looks after her next door neighbours puppy 4 days a week who is ADORABLE but loves a squeaky toy and the noise would pierce my ears (especially at 7 in the morning when he’d be brought round for the day) and he loves throwing the ball about and doing it continuously for hours (and I know i’m going to sound like a wimp but I hate being around balls. They make me flinch and anxious). I feel so awful saying that because I love my auntie so much and I hated leaving her at the end of it and it was lovely to see her and spend time with her and on a particularly difficult day (the day where it was one year since I y’know) we ended up in a giggle fit that evening and it was a nice way to be able to ‘deal’ with that day, even though to everyone else it would have just been any other day.

February - Volunteer Work

I’d been successful with my application for it but hadn’t heard anything since then until last month about an induction. I had the induction in the beginning of February where I met all the animals (I’d applied to work with the farm animals on Tuesday afternoons) and had my first day volunteering last week.

The first thing I got to do was walk this shetland pony which did add some light to my day and then the rest of the afternoon was helping with cleaning, grooming the pony and helping with feeding some of the animals with their afternoon feeds. It went okay, apart from the fact that it was freezing outside (part of the job though so I don’t mind at all!) and that I don’t feel physically? very capable of some of the jobs. For example shovelling lots and lots of dirty hay into a big mound and carrying heavy feeds has really done my back in. But in general, I feel so weak and tired, which is pathetic of me I know. As for the psychological side of things, I’m not in a good place at all and I just don’t know if I can do this right now. I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m making excuses or what. I just don’t see the point in going. They are overloaded with volunteers as it is and on a Tuesday afternoon there isn’t much to do with the farm animals. I haven’t been since this one time. Last week I really wasn’t in the place to go and I feel really guilty. And then not next Tuesday but the one after that I won’t be able to go then either because my appointment with the autism services is during the time I would volunteer. So that’s going to make me look so bad.

The whole college thing has been in my head ever since the work experience still, but more so as ‘right this is something I can focus on in my head rather than killing myself’ and not because I genuinely want to and have this passion to do college/work/anything right now. It’s more of let me find something that will make me feel better and worthwhile. And for weeks I’d been driving my parents mad going do I apply for the course in April or September (my mum originally was saying April because it’s soon and if I just get out of bed and do all this then I’ll feel differently and want a future) whereas my dad was saying the complete opposite (September or not at all at the moment because I’m not in the right place) and the whole thing just goes round and round in circles, I can barely seem to make a simple decision at the moment and this isn’t exactly simple or little. I know now I wouldn’t be applying for the right reasons and if I did get accepted it’s only a month away and there’s still so much unknown in terms of medical support, aspergers stuff and what I’d do about work. It would just make sense not to make such a big decision when I’m having suicidal thoughts and am basing my decision on what I think other people think I should do and if I do this it will make them happy, instead of me being like yay let’s genuinely plan my future !! I really truly want to live !!

[steamishot]

Life updates

It’s been a while since I wrote an update about my life so here goes:

Work: There was a period of time after I reported my boss to HR, that things were really stressful for me because I felt my boss was “retaliating” and targeting me. She sat me down and said she was “really annoyed” at certain things that I did. And her reaction was so disproportionate to what actually happened. For example, I once emailed her “let me know if you need help with anything, my workload decreased a lot after the site visit”, or something along the lines of that. I had been working really hard for the three previous weeks trying to get everything ready for this once every ten year site visit. So, after the site visit, obviously, my workload wasn’t as hectic and I wanted to help out more. She took it the wrong way and she wanted me to keep me in my place. She possibly sees me as a threat so she doesn’t want to teach me much. Since then, I just accepted that my boss isn’t supportive and I should focus on building relationships with people outside of her. I kinda have work friends now, one girl who I eat lunch with and go work out with. Would these friendships extend outside of our professional work? I don’t think so. As nice as they are, I’ve been accepting that its hard to make legit friends that you’ll hang out with even after you leave the job. That’s ok, because that means your actual friends are that much more special. I’ve accepted that I work at the office’s pace. If your boss is dumb and inefficient, then I work around that and stay in my place if I don’t want drama with her. I think as time goes on though, I am getting more and more work, so my days aren’t completely boring. I’ve gotten used to the commute (going to my workout program after work = better commute home). I’m working out regularly now. I don’t feel super exhausted as I once did. However, sometimes I spend my days at work just being really anxious due to how I was treated by my boss before. I just don’t trust her. Anyway, work is good. Having some “friends” and working out does wonders.

Relationship: My relationship has been fine. I don’t overanalyze it nor give it too much attention as I once did. Since the new year, I told myself to stop googling/researching relationship stuff. That includes clicking on stupid facebook clickbait links such as “10 signs your relationship blablabla”. I’m trying to be more lighthearted about it and not take it so seriously. Recently, D just quit his job. He put in his two weeks without consulting with me before. I knew it was time and his situation had to be really bad for him to do that out of the blue. Our issues these past months (and before that), was me being fed up with his negative mood, which was stemmed from his job. I reviewed my previous posts on tumblr and in a nutshell: he was unhappy at work, I was unhappy at work = we were constantly bickering about stupid stuff. This was before we took a break. After the break, the arguments have been much less frequent but something was still off. It was as if he was trying really hard to be happy but couldn’t. 

It’s been one week since his last day and already I sense such a big change. He feels like a lighter person to be around. He looks more youthful. On Friday, we went to visit my old ABA client and her family. She has two older sisters who used to use my phone to text D while I was at their house. It was wonderful to hang out with them again and to see D spend time with the girls. The parents invited us to an Asian buffet and we all sat down at a round table. I sat next to Tanya, my old client with autism and intellectual disability. David sat in between the two girls. The mom was on the other side of Tanya. The dad and baby Matthew were next to the mom. The table was chaotic but it was imperfectly perfect. Tanya was trying to grab stuff and knock over drinks, the girls were being really chatty. I realized it was the first time that I had dinner family style with D. And I remember when I was working with this family, that I felt closer to them/more comfortable with them than I did with my own family. 

Anyway, I definitely see the old him returning. That brings me comfort. I forgot to write that during his last month of work, I urged him to take advantage of his benefits. He went to see a therapist for the first time since college. The therapist said he has high levels of anxiety. For months now, his sleep hasn’t been good. He’s been having reoccurring dreams of him being in school/missing tests- basically dreams of anxiety. It was great to hear that his dreams this week have been fun/not worrisome. He’s more open to doing things. He has more energy overall and definitely has a better attitude. If depression was a demon, I’d say the demon inside of him is dying. It’s like he has a newfound appreciation for life. 

I’m happy for him that he’s come so far in this journey. He has another job lined up which was literally offered to him a week after his last day. He didn’t have anything lined up when he quit. Sometimes, the way life plays out is funny. We had been talking about teaching abroad in Taiwan. We’re currently doing the online TEFL course and I was okay with doing it, okay with not, but I love Taiwan and traveling and would love to be able to go overseas with him. Hiring season for Taiwan wasn’t until June/August, so he’d still have some time in between. His new job is in Santa Monica, overseeing non-profits and working with grants. With his non-profit background, it’s definitely a great opportunity for him. He knows it too. The only sucky part would be the commute. I told him to suck it up and find a way to make it work. When he first got the news it was like a fork in the road for him - return to that 8-5 lifestyle, or travel the world by teaching abroad. I told him that he needs to be better at maintaining a work life balance. It’s definitely possible to work a full time job and travel (however, you’re just going to get that tourist experience). At his previous job, he had like 2.5 weeks of vacation saved up that he didn’t use. He also had every other Friday off so it was very possible to go travel. Also, side note: I went to Death Valley with him and his siblings recently and it helped me understand him better by getting to know his siblings. His brother worked at this non-profit for 5 years right after college and had the same mentality as D- stay loyal to the company, don’t take days off/work hard- and he had so many vacation days by the end of 5 years. The brother realized loyalty brought him no where and peaced out. Anyway, I told him teaching abroad was temporary. It’s harder for him to pack up and leave because he has to worry about his living situation and car back home. Where would he live when he comes back? What about car payments? etc. 

Currently, we’re hoping to go to Mexico City before he starts his new job. I’ve been feeling anxiety at the thought of asking my boss. But, I have to suck it up too.

[labellerose-acheron]

Maurice Beauton -- Character Sheet

Archetype — The Explorer Birthday — January 24, 1958 Zodiac Sign — Aquarius MBTI — ENTP Enneagram — 4; the Individualist Temperament — Melancholic Hogwarts House — Slythdor but a Hufflepuff model Moral Alignment — Chaotic Neutral Primary Vice — Gluttony Primary Virtue — Diligence Element — Water

Overview:

Mother — Carine Beauton (nee Gouin) (deceased, 1971, pneumonia) Father — Julien Beauton (deceased, old age, died 2011 age: 87) Mother’s Occupation — teacher Father’s Occupation — teacher Family Finances — middle class Birth Order — younger Brothers — Matthew (deceased, 1993, car accident) (five years older) Sisters — none Other Close Family — Matthew has a wife let’s name her Romaine. And they have a son who is like 27, his name is Antoine. He’s married to a girl named Lydia. They have a 5 year old daughter named Estelle. They live in Paris. Belle knows vaguely about this but definitely not that Antoine is married and has a daughter bc after Matthew died, Romaine didn’t keep in touch with Maurice. So after Julien died, Maurice stopped getting updates and Maurice never talked to her about his family once she got older. She knows she has an uncle and a cousin. Best Friend — he has a few friends up in London Other Friends — eh Enemies — none? Probably Hades lmfaooo kidding i kid maurice is too sweet truly Pets — he’s got a cat, her name is Ettie, tho her full name is Pirouette Home Life During Childhood — Had an okay childhood, his mom died when he was about thirteen from a flu that turned into pneumonia. They moved to France after their mother died bc his dad got a job at some university. His brother was older than him and more sporty/popular so he didn’t want to hang around his weird kooky younger brother. He stood up for him when other people teased him but he didn’t go out of his way to hang out with Maurice. Their father was loving but he was sad when his wife died, though he always supported both of them and he didn’t mind Maurice living with him well into his thirties bc he was lonely. Town or City Name(s) — Grew up in Swynlake and then Paris. Moved to back to Swynlake after marrying Charisse. What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Normal? Probably had a workbench in it and was always messy bc he was working on some invention or another. Always had like grease on things. Any Sports or Clubs — lol no. I mean he probably was in uhh like chess club. Maybe the debate team? Or like a science/engineering club? But he got kicked out of most clubs bc he didn’t understand how to play by the rules and would just kind of do his own thing. Favorite Toy or Game — fiddling with things! prolly really into his rubix cube Schooling — decent schooling, he was really smart but he didn’t apply himself well because he just wasn’t interested in things like literature and history more than like face-value. Like he likes reading but he doesn’t want to lEARN about BOOKs. Was much more hands on--liked science and like idk woodshop lol Favorite Subject — Science definitely Popular or Loner — Loner, even though he tried really hard to popular. Like too hard. He would just go and sit with people and start talking to them like he’d known them forever and people found him like too aggressive and weird so they’d just get up and like move tables. Important Experiences or Events — When his mom died! Moving to France! Getting his apprenticeship with the clockmaker! Meeting Charisse! Marrying Charisse! When Belle was born! When Charisse died! Leaving Belle! Going to a mental hospital! Getting out of the mental hospital after three years (he woulda been good after like a year but he just kept hanging around.) Nationality — English Culture — English/French Religion and beliefs — ehhhh no he is a man of science, but his family is Catholic. His brother and father were very devout.

Physical Appearance:

Face Claim —  Jeff Perry Complexion — wrinkly lol kind of red in the face Hair Colour — greyish/whiteish now but it used to be dark brown Eye Colour — Blue Height — 5’9 Build — he’s short and stout, kind of overweight, does not exercise or properly take care of himself Tattoos — lmfao no Piercings — also lmao no Common Hairstyle — he just lets it do what it wants, it kind of sticks up all over the place Clothing Style — uh? He just wears shirts and pants like nothing special, stays with neutral colors browns/greens Mannerisms — doesn’t really make eye contact well, wrings his hands (like Belle), stutters when he talks, trails off mid-conversation, misses the Point a lot, puts his hand to his forehead when he’s overwhelmed.

Health:

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — yeah he does not have good health lol probably gets winded like walking up the stairs Physical Ailments — uhhh none? Probably has a lot of scars from things EXPLODIGN wears glasses Neurological Conditions — depression, anxiety, tbh probably on the Autism spectrum? Allergies — none really Grooming Habits — ehhhhh not great especially if he gets hyperfocused on a project Sleeping Habits — terrible he kind of naps throughout the day, doesn’t have liek a set sleeping pattern. Eating Habits — also bad, can’t cook so he just makes himself like shit u heat up Exercise Habits —  the only time he exercises is climbing up into clocks to fix them Emotional Stability — uhhhhhhhh like a 3 lol it is Not Good Body Temperature — eh probably overheats easily lol Sociability — i mean he is super social, but like?? social cues are not his thing so i’ll give him a 6 Addictions — none except maybe caffeine Drug Use — none except his prescribed meds when he takes them, which is only, when he’s in the hospital, Alcohol Use — not really

Your Character’s Character:

Bad Habits — being inconsiderate, hyperfocusing, withdrawing when upset, flighty, cowardly Good Habits — loving, kind, he tries!!, really smart, enthusiastic, passionate Best Characteristic — kind and intelligent Worst Characteristic — just has no clue Worst Memory — losing Charisse Best Memory — meeting Charisse!! (Belle’s birth? I mean, yes, but it isn’t what would come to mind for him exactly.) Proud of — not a lot really? Embarrassed by — also not much tbh bc he just has no awareness, he v much just views the world the way he wants to view it, though he knows when people laugh at him and think he’s weird and that makes him sad. Driving Style — doesn’t drive Strong Points — intelligence, really a great clockmaster Temperament — chill af Attitude — optimistic, kind of stupidly so Weakness — over-enthusiasm Fears — doesn’t really dwell on fears Phobias — none Secrets — none Regrets — also none? Feels Vulnerable When — people laugh at him or make fun of him Pet Peeves — people laughing at him Conflicts — attempting to navigate his mental illness and living a good life. Motivation — uh he doesn’t really have motivations? Short Term Goals and Hopes — make up with belle Long Term Goals and Hopes — just keep on keeping on Sexuality — heterosexual tho rly p asexual Exercise Routine  — none existent Day or Night Person — night owl for sure Introvert or Extrovert — extrovert surprisingly he craves community and closeness Optimist or Pessimist — optimist!

Likes and Styles:

Music — not really super into music, but likes instrumental stuff if he does listen, or operas, though they just make him sad Books — he likes most books but he likes reading things like the Origin of Species the best Magazines — none Foods — all food is good food, except spicy stuff Drinks — really likes milk, Animals — cats and horses are his favorites. He likes most animals though, even spiders and snakes and stuff like that Sports — lol Social Issues — none?? Really?? He’s p magic-friendly but in his own problematic way, Favorite Saying — “If it’s not baroque, don’t fix it!” - nerd humor (yes i stole this from the movie but maurice would find it hilarious.) Color — blue probably Jewelry — does he still wear his wedding ring? probably Games — none Websites — none is hopeless at computers even tho he can take one apart and put it back together TV Shows — none Movies — eh none really Greatest Want — to fix things with belle, for charisse to be alive again D: Greatest Need — to stop living in the past and embrace what still is.

Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:

Home — he has a little flat that he probably shares with a friend let’s name him Daniel Household furnishings — plain just the bare minimum, very bachelor pad Favorite Possession — his wedding ring Most Cherished Possession — his wedding ring Neighborhood — somewhere in London idk Town or City Name — London Details of Town or City — it’s fuckin london Married Before — yes to the love of his life Significant Other Before — only ever loved/dated one woman Children — Belle! Relationship with Family — estranged Car — none Career — clockmaker/fixer Dream Career — famous inventor! Dream Life — a rich, successful famous inventor with his loving wife and daughter by his side though he’ll take a life where charisse is alive over anything else Love Life — none Talents or Skills — super smart, can p much build anything from scratch, really intuitive when it comes to problem solving Intelligence Level — so smart, just truly brilliant, but not super great with people so he doesn’t come off as intelligent Finances — low, low, lower middle classs

Your Character’s Life Before Your Story:

Past Careers — has always done the same job but for diff places/freelancing Past Lovers — none, just charisse Biggest Mistakes — fuckin leaving belle on her own smh Biggest Achievements — none? really?