#life is just in the way atm
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#the Nowhere Man who waits and the God of Stories who watches
#mobius#loki#lokius#mcuedit#lokiedit#marveledit#loki spoilers#owen wilson#tom hiddleston#owenwilsonedit#marvel#dianagifs#😩😭#what... in the most tragic of romances did i just witness#gotta rewatch tomorrow but cannot BELIEVE how okay i am with everything atm???#their story clearly isn't done their burden is obviously going on without each other and they exist fundamentally connected#they've lost everything but being able to see mobius every step of the way is enough for loki to make the sacrifice#and mobius left for his timeline with no other purpose than to make sure loki could do just that#now they're lost without each other?? the only thing mobius can do is exist for a moment in loki's creation i'm UNWELL#god this is the star crossed angst that's gonna keep me going for the rest of my LIFE they're my everything#loki s2 spoilers
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#120
When the villains caught wind of a new hero on the team, they’d all taken interest. When someone came back claiming he’s blind, it’d sparked a whole new debate.
Straightforward, they’d all said. He won’t even see us coming. They’d laughed at how easy it’d seemed.
The villain feels like they’ve stumbled on a pile of gold when they come across the hero. He’s running his hand along something on the fence in front of him, something that the villain will later realise is a braille description of the view ahead of him. A white cape drifts around his ankles, an equally white suit flattering against his typical heroic body, the lightest of smiles on his face as his fingers trace the patterns of dots along the railing.
The villain can’t help but grin as they slowly make their way towards the poor hero, so oblivious, so stupid. They’re barely a hair breadth away, their dagger practically unsheathing itself, when the hero spins towards them with a swish of his cape and a flick of a blade.
The villain barely reels back in time. Staying quiet doesn’t occur to them when they’re startled. The hero looks like he’s staring right through them, an arrogant smirk on his face.
“Ah,” he says brightly, “you’re one of those criminals I’m meant to be looking out for?”
The villain sidesteps, careful to keep their footing quiet, but it doesn’t matter. The hero’s head cocks towards them as they try to step out of his blade’s path.
“You’re almost silent,” the hero continues. A smirk adorns his face, intrigued. “Incredible.”
The villain is close enough to strike, the hero looking slightly too far beyond them to be right in his assumptions. The villain shifts in fast, their dagger poised. The hero dodges back and retaliates with a swing of his own.
The villain stumbles out of reach and the hero follows. The villain’s unprepared; they were expecting a hero who’s unsure who they’re looking for, where the villain is. They were expecting an easy plaything that they could stab when they got bored.
But this—the hero is nothing but brazen confidence.
The villain shoves their dagger up to meet his blade, throwing his arm out. They move in for another strike but the hero’s already recovered. His blade easily tucks under their arm and slices into their side.
Something of a strangled gasp escapes the villain before they can stop it. They stagger back, a hand touched timidly to the wound, their eyes flitting back up to the hero. He simply waits, his blade crimson and his eyes blank. How? How?
“Would you do me the honour of telling me who I’ve met?” he asks, as if this is nothing more than a casual meeting between friends of friends. The villain wants to snap him in half for the audacity.
“That’s none of your fuckin’ business.”
“Aha,” the hero says, almost a laugh, “You’re [Villain].”
The villain can only stare at him in horror. The hero seems to feel the tension in the silence, because he continues. “You’ve a bad mouth, favour in the blade, light on your feet.” A teasing smile. “And you’ve a smooth, caramel voice I haven’t heard in many like you.”
“Wh— Excuse me— You—”
The hero just smirks, the stupid smirk of someone who knows he’s untouchable in every sense of the word. “Flustered by compliments, too,” the hero finishes with a laugh. “Good to remember for next time.”
“I’m not flustered!” the villain finally manages, “and my voice isn’t caramel. That isn’t a thing. You sound stupid.”
“I’m happy to be stupid if it means I can recognise you as the villain who speaks in caramel.”
The villain’s side is beginning to really ache. They need to be somewhere that’s not here when it inevitably gets worse. “Do what you want. I’m going home.”
“May I escort you to a prison cell?”
The villain barks a laugh, their side practically splitting with the forced fakeness of it. “As if you know where the agency is from here.”
“I always know where I am, [Villain].” A smile again, softer this time. Knowing. “You underestimate me for a characteristic I think makes me as interesting to you as you are to me.”
The burn in the villain’s skin is an ode to that. “Sure.” The villain turns on their heel before a thought occurs to them. “I’m going to walk away, loudly. Do me a favour and don’t fucking shank me when I do.”
The hero’s face twists back into a smirk. “As long as I hear you moving away. Until next time, [Villain].”
A blind hero! everyone had cried. It’s almost too easy!
The villain scurries away with a gash to the side and a slam to their ego, and they know now to know better than that.
#creative writing#writblr#writers on tumblr#writing#writing community#heroes and villains#hero x villain#im offically freeeeeeeeeeee#im so excited to reset my sleep schedule cause why am i in bed by 9pm#that being said life has been hectic recently! posts may slow down a bit while i get my shit together#theres been a lot goin on atm and i probably need a lil time to get back into the swing of things to get my creativity back#ill make a post about it for yall who dont see this so i dont just disappear off the face of the earth one day lmao#love yall either way <3
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Favorite Trigun character?
teehee..... can u guess 🤪🙈
#have to work on hw again so will be answering more qs 👍#this aint even CLOSE to half of all my drawings of him 🤣💀#also fellas. we are nearing 1 whole year of drawing wolfwood.💀#safe to say ive never drawn a single character this many times in my life before 🤣 I'M SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED BY IT#IT'S MY FIRST TIME HAVING A FAV CHARACTER THAT I CAN BOTH RELATE TO AND THAT'S. LIKE. ACTUALLY DEEP AND INTERESTINGLY WRITTEN LMFAO💀#like i remember rly being hit by his worldview while reading trimax... i was like whoa........ he thinks just like me fr T_T#and on top of that he also has a really beautiful arc T_T trigun/trimax fr is set up in a way that's like. how could u NOT love this guy!!!#so yeah that's the super short version of why i lawvvv him so much SDJFGHAHA#i dont have a ton of time to get into it atm but i could literally talk about this guy for hours. oh my lord. my little pookie-boo.
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yk how in veres likes on his character sheet it says he like cooking (badly)…… WHY HAS NO ONE DONE A FIC ABOUT THAT YET‼️⁉️⁉️ THAT SHOULD NOTTT BE A WASTED OPPORTUNITY. i’m not even joking im ab to send this to so many people because i can’t let this go to waste 😞
Here u are anon! For the record, you are completely free to send this prompt around wherever you’d like! It was such a fun idea, I’d love to see more takes on it. ^^
Warnings: Vere talking Innuendos? Innuendos. So many, and I don’t guarantee that they are funny lol. Just a general silly vibe and imo: absolutely tooth rotting fluff.
‧₊˚ ⋅ 𓐐𓎩 ‧₊˚ ⋅SOUS CHEF ‧₊˚♡₊˚
You find yourself wandering through Lowtown during the lunch hour, trying to decide what sounds like a good meal.
Your mouth waters at the scents being carried on the breeze, a plethora of pleasant aromas wafting out of the eateries nestled inside the Amaryllis District, so fragrant that you can smell them all the way down on the bustling streets of Lowtown as long as you stay downwind.
However, if there’s one nice thing about knowing Leander it's that you also know you don’t have to go that far (or spend that much) for a delicious lunch.
Near enough to the Wet Wick, there’s a series of side streets that make up an eclectic amalgamation of Lowtown and the Amaryllis District, and in it: a small and inconspicuous eatery. The menu changes often, though you aren’t sure if that’s out of innovation or necessity, but the food is always filling and reasonably priced.
You follow the winding streets, getting lost for a brief moment before correcting your course, traveling until you see colorful chipped girih tiles and wide, clean windows. You let yourself into the shop, the now familiar sound of hinges in need of an oiling welcoming you.
There’s an assortment of goods on display–jars of honey and spiced fruit and loaves of braided bread with seeds–all kept safely locked away beneath an enchanted pane of glass.
Looking around, though, you don’t see anyone selling said fantastic wares.
You call out, expecting the shop keep or her wife to come running but instead you hear…silence.
Followed by a loud metallic clatter.
You freeze, unsure what to do, what the threat is–if there’s even a threat?–but before you can make up your mind, you’re greeted by a most unexpected sight.
Vere comes out of the kitchen area, his hair swept into an artfully stunning up-do that reveals the long line of his neck and clavicle, blemished only by the heavy collar locked around his throat.
He’s wearing a weighty linen apron over his clothing, presumably to protect his outfit, though–his long gossamer sleeves are completely discordant with the notion, making you think that maybe the apron is more of an aesthetic choice.
“What’s this–? A mouse? In my kitchen?” Vere asks playfully as you continue to stare, dumbfounded. He wields a spatula in his hand like a weapon–swatching it into his off-hand like a riding crop with a decisive snap.
“Where is–?”
“–The shop keep? Wherever she pleases–the shop’s closed on Mondays.”
(You really don’t like the way he’s watching you… Or the way he keeps inching closer…)
You take a step backwards, your eyes never leaving his. “Oh,” you say, bandaged hands reaching blindly behind you. “I didn’t realize. The door was unlocked, so…” You trail off.
You find the doorknob at last. You attempt to turn it only to find that it won’t budge.
“Was it?”
Vere saunters up to you, tail swaying behind him. You manage to tear your eyes away from his predator stare to search for possible exits, though you know for a fact you won’t be fast enough. You look back and he’s already in your space, crowding you against the entryway.
(He smells really good, actually. Like leather and spice and the subtle cling of perfume and incense. And beneath that, something–earthy–animalistic, but in a way that’s intoxicating as opposed to unpleasant.)
“I was just about to make myself a snack–how nice that a snack came to me.”
“Stop playing around.” You try to steel yourself and inject the perfect amount of scolding into your voice while combating his heated stare. “I know you’re just fucking with me to try and get a reaction; you and I both know you’re not going to eat me.”
If he was, he would have done it by now. Sometime within the weeks you’ve known him. …Probably.
Unless he just likes to play with his food.
“I didn’t realize you knew me so well,” he says, looking amused. “Perhaps I didn’t plan to, but now I simply can’t resist. You look so absolutely delectable, how could I possibly contain myself?”
You don’t get the chance to reply. Vere’s countenance changes suddenly–you watch his ears flatten a second before you hear the screaming whistle of a teapot. His ears twitch in annoyance at the sound, his perfectly sculpted face showing a sour sneer. He gives you a sideways glance, calculating.
“Then again. I find myself in need of a sous chef. Congratulations on your promotion. Come along now.” He hooks a finger into your cloak and pulls you easily into the kitchen. (To be fair, you don’t struggle. Anyone would want to see where this is going, right?)
He releases you once you’ve crossed over the threshold, waving his fingers uncaringly towards a second apron affixed to a hook on the wall as he beelines to remove a glass teapot from the stove and stifle the noise. He moves quickly as you watch, casually throwing aside the spatula in his hand in favor of an ornate silver teaspoon. He measures a vibrantly colored tea into the inlaid steeping container of the equally ornate teapot and takes a pleased inhale as the tea’s fragrance blooms, humming as he flips over a delicate hourglass to keep track of the steeping time.
There’s silence for a moment–
Him watching the teapot and you watching him.
“Well?” He asks, without looking up. You’ve seen this look before, you think – this pensive, almost lonesome look that makes your heart ache against all better judgment. “Staying or going?”
He grins when you put on the apron. You search his face for some sincerity, but he’s all sharp teeth and tall ears, covering any glimpses of deeper emotion with a sheen of smugness. He circles you once you have the apron on, taking in the image.
“Mm, don’t you just look adorable. Very domesticated.”
You’re pretty sure that the word he’s looking for is domestic. But of course, he knows what he said and he meant to say it. You decide that he’s probably betting on your correction, already armed with a witty retort. You smooth the apron down while pointedly looking away, deciding that you won’t give him the satisfaction. You hear him chuckle.
Since you’re avoiding looking at Vere, you look around the kitchen for the first time.
It’s a spacious workspace–moreso than the storefront, even. There’s a large iron stove unlike anything you’ve ever seen, covered with magical runes and dials, with a large hearth built into the belly of it. A plethora of pots and pans have been placed on the burners, left to sizzle and pop in the red hot heat.
Oil is singing from the heated, shallow basins but you don’t see anything cooking inside.
There’s a slab of meat diced into neat squares and a heaping bowl of lumpy batter set to the side of the stove top.
“What are you making?” You ask, trying to make sense of the scene.
“Panko crusted fish filet. And there’s a pasta in the oven. For dessert, I was thinking–” he gives you a sly look, one that makes your ears feel warm, “hmm, well. I just had a much better idea in regards to dessert.” He makes a show of licking his fangs, the movements of his tongue slow and sensual.
You think you tied your apron too tight; your airway is feeling a little constricted. It seems to be getting worse the longer you watch.
You clear your throat, tearing your eyes away. More ingredients, most partially prepared, and a host of dirtied pots and pans greet you. You turn your back to him as you explore, fully engrossed in all of the views that the mess of a kitchen has to offer. You’re almost afraid to ask: “So, what am I here to help with?”
“Oh?” You don’t hear Vere come up next to you, but you feel him brushing up against you. “Does my darling sous chef require…instruction? A guiding hand, so to speak?” You freeze, feeling his breath against your ear, shivers running down your spine at his light and teasing chuckle.
But then he’s breezing past you, making a wide dramatic gesture toward the large tome perched surreptitiously on the counter. “Lucky for you, I’ve a recipe.” His tail wags swishes elegantly behind him as he beams with pride.
His tail knocks the whisk out of the mystery batter beside the fish filet but he takes no notice.
Vere hops gracefully up onto the counter, reaching for the batter. He does an impressive twist in order to grab hold of another whisk and you take the time to appreciate that. Then, with Vere occupied and seemingly ignoring you, you take a look at the recipe book.
The text is old and withered with the occasional dash of sprawling spidery script painting the margins. (Said writing is utterly illegible–you’re actually not sure if it’s in a language you can read, though if you squint you think you can see something that looks like the word ‘cake’.) The page it’s opened to is ripped in half, rendering precious steps of the recipe lost to time. You spot a mysterious bite mark piercing through the corner of the leather cover.
And can’t stop yourself from surreptitiously glancing over at Vere. He’s moved on from the batter (which looks as lumpy as it did a minute ago) and is now eating skewers of raw fish with his nails.
“You’re not supposed to eat while you cook,” you say, the time worn words out of your mouth before you can examine your personal stance on them.
“Says who? Some limp dick? No shame in indulging, pet.”
“You’re not even gonna have anything left to cook,” you warn.
“Hum, sounds like my sous chef should get to work covering them in batter instead of just standing there before I eat them all.”
You roll your eyes, but follow through with instructions. The space is unfamiliar and your movements are slow and unsure with Vere looming over you from his perch on high, watching.
One of the pans of oil gives an ominous pop. “Hmm, sounds like it’s hot enough,” says Vere. “Move over.”
“Is that safe?”
“For me,” Vere says simply. “And it’s faster. Now stand further back or you'll get splattered–and not in the fun way.” Idly, he tosses a batter covered filet into the shallow pan. The resulting hiss makes you both cringe.
As if on queue, the hourglass for the tea gives a gentle chime, lighting up with a golden glow. (You’re beginning to wonder how this humble shop can afford all these magical items, but then again this is the city of secrets. You’re probably better off not knowing.) Vere’s ears perk up, pleased. He tosses the remaining fillets in the pan without a fuss, setting lids on top of each to contain the oil, acting as if doing so is going to stop any potential disaster.
Main course forgotten, he moves on to digging something out from inside one of the many cupboards. “Be a dear and cut this for me, will you?” He hands you a delicate peach before heading to the tea pot, stirring the contents and adding what must be a priceless amount of honey.
The peach in your hand is overripe but still vibrant–amazing, as you haven’t seen fresh fruit at all since you came to Eridia. Your mouth waters anew as you remember what led you here in the first place–your quest for a meal–and you’re almost tempted to take a bite, follow Vere’s advice and sink your teeth in.
“My, my. I’m almost jealous. I thought you only looked at me like that.”
Vere shushes the denial from your lips, bossing you around regarding how he wants the peach sliced before shooing you out of his way and finishing his remaining tea preparations,with the look of an artist at work. The tea is a warm oolong color, made only more alluring once the infusion of peach is complete.
It’s refreshing, too, once Vere serves it to you over ice.
You can almost ignore the great plumes of smoke coming from the oven.
Vere cooks how others might enjoy a leisurely stroll.
Which is to say, he seems to be having fun, but you’re not convinced he intends on really going anywhere. Still, there’s a rhythm to it–a dance, though he leads you in expected loops and turns, changes the tune at a moment's notice. He’ll get bored of the task at hand and find some new spice to peruse, demand you taste test an ingredient or give your opinion on a dizzying new flavor he’s concocted.
(He manages to convince you to sample a bit of cucumber soup from the cold box. You retch, proclaiming it salty, downing another glass of delicious peach oolong–
“I can still taste it in the back of my throat…!”–and he cackles wildly.)
Thick locks of hair are falling out of his up-do by the time he’s satisfied, framing his face and bringing your attention, again to the inviting line of his clavicle. He tosses his loose hair over his shoulder, preening.
The recipe book is basically ruined, and the pasta is null and void, but some of the fillets look mildly edible. The artful garnish is beautiful, at least. The kale and orange slices really bring out the crispy burnt bits. Vere seems to enjoy plating the food a great deal, humming and rearranging and circling the display until he deems it arranged to perfection.
He’s elegant when he takes a bite, biting down with a crunch. His tail goes very still for a moment, then shivers microscopically as he chews. He swallows in a manner that you can only describe as dignified, dabbing his lips with a napkin. You wait in anticipation, but Vere says nothing for a long time. Then, he quietly takes the old recipe book and throws it away.
Thankfully, he doesn’t insist on you trying it too.
You end up snacking on some of the pre-made goods, drinking the remaining tea and lounging at one of the shop’s cozy little tables. The mood is light and easy, and the view is magnificent. Outside, there’s nothing but trash littered streets and urchins, but inside…the afternoon glow coming from the window illuminates Vere like a sunset, painting him in dazzling shades of gold and red and bronze.
Vere hums, peering at you pointedly through his sooty lashes. “So, dessert?”
You can’t imagine the look that comes across your face–whatever it is, it makes Vere laugh.
“What are you giving me that look for? My intentions are pure.” His voice is a masterclass in syrupy false-innocence. “As clean as Leander’s bed sheets after–”
“Please don’t finish that sentence and give me any mental images,” you beg. “I have to sleep there tonight, I’d rather not know.”
“Ignorance is bliss.” Vere agrees, closing his eyes and appearing to bask in the sun for a moment. His face does something that you don’t quite catch–some hidden expression–but then, he’s smiling easily. He must really be relaxed if he can still smile seconds after thinking about Leander. You’re still admiring him when the shadows against the walls flicker, and suddenly he isn’t sitting next to you any more.
Instead, he’s returning from the kitchen, a tray in hand.
He sets it down in front of you, revealing an assortment of strawberries and an ornate silver porringer of what appears to be melted chocolate. Vere sets it down on the table, plucking the small dessert spoon from the chocolate once he’s seated across from you again.
“Occasionally, life does offer up something sweet to savor–only for those willing to go out and take it.” His tongue darts out to lick the chocolate off the spoon in his hand. He maintains eye contact as his tongue laves across the basin and–embarrassingly–you think you get a little lightheaded from the intensity with which your blood rushes to your face. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes tell you that he know exactly where your mind has gone.
Setting the spoon down, Vere instead picks up a bare strawberry, leaning in closer to press it gently to your mouth.
The chocolate is overly bitter–a little burnt, perhaps, but you can’t find it in yourself to care when you’re tasting the remnants of it on Vere’s lips.
(Before leaving, you plop a few coins down on the counter as payment. You brought enough to cover your food…but definitely not enough to cover the mess in the kitchen. There’s really nothing you can do about that.
You hope you don’t get blacklisted. You’d like to come back next Monday.)
Hope you enjoyed if you made it this far! ⸜(。˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
#Hmm! I think they should become cooking buddies I say; I think they should make this a weekly thing#which is my way of saying ‘my bad if this was too much time spent on the set up etc and not enough on the cooking oops ahaha’#this is not how u make panko btw this is some amalgamation of panko and tempura batter don’t ask#The owner & her wife know that Vere does this btw there is a whole thing happening behind the scenes#the number of grease fires Vere has started. Is not zero.#SLICE OF LIFE IS SO HARD TO WRITE FOR ME ATM OMG??#but I hope it was a fun time#i now crave…angst lmao#touchstarved game fanfic#vere x mc#vere x reader#toxintouch: {pick} prompt {your poison}#i feel so caught up on writing now wow time to SLEEP#no good title for this one i will keep thinking?? i;ll just name it whatever in the morning lol#not that ppl need my permission to share prompts#we are all living in the same fandom biome we must share our resources to thrive#i messed around with the formatting a little :) i think it is kinda cute#toxintouch writing
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Hard launching my current obsession that just started as an innocent discussion with @sarxzu (dangerous)
So now we have a figure skater Regulus and the stupid twink keeps twirling in my brain and won’t leave me alone (not complaining)
#I remembered how much I love figure skating and been just staring at Yuzuru for days#Also don’t worry I haven’t abandoned drarry I will continue yapping and making art of my baby girls until I die#I’m just in a very deep jegulus brain rot hole right now and the light of the end of the tunnel is train#this au is my life atm#and I have way too many plans for this#also imagine skateboarder James#🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻😮💨😮💨😮💨#hp#harry potter fanart#fan art#vee art#regulus black#jegulus#starchaser#marauders#marauders era#figure skater au#my beloved
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eh..random pokemon scribbles i found..I LOVE RIKA
#pokemon tag#RIKA IM FROM HOENN..IM AVAILABLE😭 nah i know she's raising a daughter with geeta#in a WEIRD MOOD so i cant draw atm. but i want to before the next witch hat chapter (way too extreme that it's my birthday =_=)#(well it will be in japan time at least when i read it. but still .)#if orufrey genuinely reunite on that day of mine i wont call myself an aries any more. orufrey star sign. things aligned.#Well. ive never felt so depressed about my birthday before and for my services to orufreyism i think i deserve that but its fine.#even if they just look into each others eyes again i swear i will face this next year ahead in life (sigh) (strained smile) with faith#i swear i will genuinely try to believe in life and this world if orufrey exchange words once more this thursday i swear to my soul.
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Life is wild,,, I'm likely gonna say no to what has been my dream job for like 10 years or something,,,???
#Dream job as in a art job in the game industry#Like the actual job is kinda eehhh...#It's a cute game n would get my foot in the door of the game industry n shit#Issues being... my hand is still bad(am in physical therapy for it now tho!) n this would put presusre on it#Its also a bit 2 much responsibility#(i would be the entire art department💀Which Does give me more freedom and control but also is... way more stress )#Pays not great(but it'd be a start and atm I have 0 pay so... lol)#And I kinda realized that idk if I even wanna do game art anymore?? The stories of artists getting burnout and not having the time or energ#To work on their own art.. like :/ I could instead just get a better paying job n do art in my own time n make my own stuff#Gghhhghhhh CHOICES#Big life changes n shit... scary and stressful#Rambles#Had to rambles about this somewhere...
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Realised that since I've been on mental health leave from uni that I've moved into doing my comms as a full time thing instead, which has started to bring me just as much stress as uni did, with even less of the routine lol. So I've decided that I need to take a work week type schedule rather than forcing myself to do something every day and punishing myself when I feel too tired. So three days a week will be commission days, and the rest is rest or personal project days. This shouldn't really effect the pace I finish comms (if anything it might speed me up since I won't be burnt out) but just a heads up!
Comm spaces still available this month too :)
#So much about this year so far has been rescheduling myself#Cuz the way I live is just far too much pressure and stress and it's been killing me my whole life so far#Like comms and art should be fun (and is fun) and I'm very lucky to do it as a job#I gotta chill and fill my time with other stuff too. All the days blur into one atm#Anyway just voicing this to make it more final to myself
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and they lived happily ever after, the end!
#gk#golden kamuy#koitsuki#koito otonoshin#hajime tsukishima#im actually reusing this piece i used last year on the exact date of the older koitsuki event day (?) of the jp fandom#and just changed the bg cos it was sooo ugly before LOL#lionhe(art)#im super busy with irl things at the moment and its really sucking the life out of me#very sorry for the inactivity !!!!! IM EXTREMELY OFFLINE ATM#real life is very much needing my attention time and energy#kind of in a bad way but unfortunately there is no way out for me rn so im gna have tooooo sorta kinda deal with it!! ANYWAY SORRY FOR THE#RANDOM RANT BUT YEAH ENJOY SOME OLD KOITSUKI
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the bs going on in my life is so horrendously terrible im going to (remembers suicide jokes just serve to help make me more suicidal) kill the authoritarial figures that i once truly knew and loved and trusted that i can no longer offer my true love and trust to due to the harm that they have dealt to me and those that surround us, ultimately allowing those that have been affected by their prejudice and oppression to be free even at the cost of willingly trapping myself in a death timer.
#i couldnt remember how the original joke went word-for-word so heres a shitty paraphrasing of it#ultrakill#yeah this is about gabriel#mel/tav/fugo/marcy rambles#suicide tw#long tags#vent#its also (in a joking way) about how shit my life is atm#i might be physically seperated from my mother but she still demands i stay in contact with her and i just. i cant do that#i hate her. i really hate her.#and i feel like if im going to really get anywhere in life i need to drop out of college and get *Away* from her#because she's too much of a controlling force in my life and she refuses completely to relinquish any of that control#so that i might have any of my own independence#i feel like i need to do something drastic and sudden if i want to live the way ive been longing to for so long now.#which. in my case. id be moving in with one of my online friends across the country#taking as much as i can with me and heading over#ik that might sound bad but ive known them since i was literately 12 and they were like 15 when i met them and i dont trust anyone else#as much as i trust them#and they could wait for me but i Can Not Fucking Wait. i need to get out of here#im sick of waiting for year upon year to get out of this hellhole and get away from my parents#only for me to be unable to really do that.#i just need to break the connection in its entirety.#god. ugh. sisyphus and mirage and gabriel ultrakill please grant me the strength to do this.
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I change my vision depending on the selfship tbh
#riv rambles#I know some people have a set one but#I really do think depending on the selfship and the setting#the vision and the archon/message of said vision#would vary#like for example with alhaitham it’s electro because#I interpret electro vision wielders to be people of a specific ambition or goal#raiden and eternity or yae and freeing ei or dori and mora or kujo sara and being loyal to the shogun or cyno and upholding justice#there’s a hyper specific goal that all electro vision wielders are very centered and focused around that they are canonically vry ambitious#about achieving/maintaining#with alhaitham my selfship insert is very ambitious and dedicated to integration of desert children to the akademiya and just better#integration of the desert folks in the political system in general in sumeru#and with Wriothesley and Kinich it would be pyro because#I interpret pyro vision wielders to have one specific passion that they are very attached to#it’s not more so an ambition but more so a constant that they hold very dear and are passionate about#amber with the knights and klee with her explosives and lyney with magic and xiangling with cooking and yoimiya w fireworks + yanfei w law#bennett with adventuring and Hu Tao with business and xinyan with music and again the list goes on#anyway I think in the case of my selfship with wrio my insert is rather passionate about prison reform and in my selfship with Kinich it#centers around being passionate about the nation itself and natlan’s wellbeing/safety in an ongoing war with the abyss#and with ayato its cryo bc i think cryo vision wielders are people who have two sides of themselves constantly at battle#diona hates alcohol but makes fantastic drinks. kaeya conflicted with loyalty to his ancestry vs his nation atm. Eula conflicted with her#clan identity vs being a knight. Ayaka conflicted with duty vs living life as she pleases. shenhe and ganyu struggle between the adeptal#and human worlds since they’re involved with both#qiqi is alive but dead. freminet is loyal to the house of the hearth but wishes to also be free. and wrio ofc is in some ways a hero and#in some ways a criminal and those conflicting natures of his actions are at odds with each other very complexly so#ANYWAY#ofc again the list goes on but#for ayato I would consider my insert a cryo wielder because I think that being an arranged marriage#there’s conflict of duty vs personal choice and freedom but also not wanting to hold affection for him at first vs developing it anyway#labeling myself to one vision element for my insert all across the board I suppose leaves no room for the nuances of visions themselves
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I don't think I've talked about this here before, other than some rly vague posts, but the reason why I dropped off on BG3 so suddenly was bc it played an active part in my worsening mental health.
As my (possibly OCD induced) intrusive thoughts and compulsions got worse, my BG3 obsession kinda got mixed into it, and eventually the whole thing became so tainted and triggering that I had to push it aside before it made things worse both for my mental health and my love of the game. I honestly held onto it for way too long, and it probably worsened things a lot more than if I had just cut things off earlier, but I just didn't want to let go of something that meant so much to me. Fandom got mixed into it too, so I just had to distance myself from the whole thing (if I unfollowed your BG3 blog or stopped interacting with most of your BG3 stuff this is probably why).
I can interact with it on my better days, but they're few and far between atm, and so I mostly stay away from now in hopes that I can go back to it once my brain is no longer a plate of scrambled eggs.
#Sunny Life#2024 has been my roughest year in a long time 😣#BG3 is still one of my favorite games of all time and I'd like to keep it that way despite my shitty brain's worst efforts to the contrary#I rly miss Jay and Rory and I still have so much I want to talk about but it just feels like a risky brain trigger bait atm#nonsensical brain shit is so stupid like bitch leave me alone
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Some mild existential dread in the house today
#im just feeling reeeeally really drained#works taking a LOT out of me#like. it feels less intense day to day? or maybe im reacting less? but its still very much piling up#and im just feeling very...idk. like im still waiting for permission to live my life#except now the permission osnt coming from any one person its. having the money to docit#and the time and the energy#and i guess thats just what adult life is? waiting#and hoping#and along the way losing sight of what i even wanted in the first place because im so *tired*#idk. i definitely need a project of some kind but im struggling to settle on something and then organise it#i have stuff to do today anyway. alfie had a lil bit of emergency cash saved so i need to go shopping#and i need to tidy the kitchen and do some dishes#and have a bath and shave at some point#i also want to draw but again. struggling ti pick something and idk if ill have the executive function spare#AND i want to try and be more social and talk to folks but thats its own kind of difficult#part of me would like a disc server that just has all of my friends in it bc i find it easier to dip in and out of conversarions#but i imagine that would be weird for folks who dont know each other#idk. lot goin through my mind when all i really want is sleep#which also hasnt been...greeeeat lately#mainly because Alfie wakes me up in the mornings bc they dont like being alone but also have a very different sleep schedule to me#and can take multiple smaller naps over a day whereas i really need a solid 8 or so hours or i just. dont fully switch on#but theyre also struggling atm (mentally and also they got an injury at work AND seperately broke their foot ffs)#so they need me more and its just#this never ending cycle of SOMETHING needs my attention#and its fucking exhausting asfghfkd#but!!! we keep goin!!!!! been applying for a bunch of jobs and havent heard anything positive yet but. we keep tryin huh
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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t*lvas basically saying he'd rather be abused if it means he's learning more is kinda crazy. Chill before you get mora tentacle surprise'd in the mail
#text#the way he mentions the college makes it seem like he gets that mentioned to him so often to the point where it actually makes him mad LOL#why is he so knowledge hungry...🤕 Stop it. this is how u know he has no other interests or friends or anything#just saying that cus n*loth has a bigger chance of ruining his love life by being his first bc t*lvas doesn't rly gaf about alldat atm#but anyways...#t*lvas leave that hideous beast and just hit the books in the college i'm sure there are men there that are Eager to mentor you#very personally.....#t*lvas/mora is so cute though i wunna draw that. i did a year ago but didn't rly like the drawing#mora-sama is looking to wife someone new after murdering his last one in cold blood . altho t*lvas is too wussy for that really -#- but if he's willing to suffer just to be educated aren't they a match#i like him so bad he's so ygly but he's my Bae ... t*lvas date a girl that will keep you around just bc you do her homework for her -#- even tho u have no hobbies outisde of that and aren't very interesting to her as a person
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