#life is hard sometimes when i am very tired all the time forever and i have a very fritzy and weak social battery

[phagodyke]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[welcometogrouchland]

I'm guilty of a lot of things and sometimes I let life pass me by, but one thing they're never gonna get me for is being apathetic about living. No matter where I'm at or what I'm going through I can attest that I am excited to be alive!!! I love to be alive even when it's hard!!! One day I'm gonna make as many ppl as possible feel that way too because even when life gets awful, wanting to live is awesome!!! Forever and ever babeyyy!!!!!!

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

[mint-yooxgi]

{4} - Fight or Flight - Yandere!Redcap!Mingi X Tall!Chubby!Reader

Fae!AU & Yandere!AU - Part of the CoDN Thrill of the Hunt Collab

Genre: Fantasy, Mature, Horror, Angst, Fluff, Smut

Pairing: Mingi X Reader

Words: 8,188

Rating: Mature - 18+ MDNI

Warnings: Please read the warnings carefully, as this is a very heavy story dealing with many dark topics. This is also all of the warnings for this fic as it is one long one shot that I had to split into multiple parts, and I'm too tired right now to individually categorize all of these warnings to their respective parts. 8 ft tall Mingi. Slow burn. Violence: depiction of a massacre, a deer being slaughtered, as well as physical, verbal, sexual, and emotional, both alluded to and not. Blood and gore. Abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual, both alluded to and implied. Assault: physical, and sexual, both alluded to, implied, and attempted. OC has a really rough past, really this isn't for the faint of heart. Whipping, both alluded to, and done. Mentions of branding. Heavy themes of possession and ownership. Deception. Arson. Really, there's a lot of dark subject matter. Mingi falls hard and fast, thus, he simps a lot for the OC, but it's not a story written by me if Mingi doesn't simp for the OC. The reader is mentioned to be both tall and chubby, but it is not mentioned often, so it shouldn't disrupt the flow of the story when ready if you are not tall and/or chubby. I think that's everything, but if I missed something, please let me know! Smut: Biting/marking, outdoor sex, fingering (fem. rec), oral (fem. rec), hand job (male rec), come eating, overstimulation, Mingi has a dig bick, sex in a spring, really, it's very soft in comparison to the subject matter. This is a Yandere story, it will contain themes such as stalking, violence, obsession, possessive natures, and just general overall creepiness and swearing. You have been warned.

P.S. If there are any spelling or grammatical errors, please ignore them. I did my best through many rounds of editing, but some are liable to still slip through.

A/n: I am SO sorry this took me LITERALLY forever to complete. I meant to have this out so much earlier, and actually posted on time, but it turned out much, much longer than I ever anticipated it being. I'm really proud of how this story turned out, and I didn't want to split it into multiple parts because I felt it would take away from the story as a whole. I'm super excited for you all to read this one, as I had a tremendous amount of fun writing it, and I really hope you all love Mingi's and OC's journey as much as I do. Huge shoutout and thanks to @anyamaris and @kwanisms for listening to me ramble and rave about this story both before and during the writing process, and for always encouraging me while writing! Also, huge thank you to @sanjoongie for being so patient and understanding with me as I write this all out in full. I hope you all enjoy! As always feedback is greatly appreciated! Enjoy!~

Summary: Out of one horrible situation and into another, the cycle of abuse never stops. You've lived with monsters your whole life. So, what's one more?

P.P.S. Please don't let this flop guys. If you enjoyed it, please reblog!!!

Mini Masterlist - Part One - Part Two - Part Three

For the whole night, Mingi holds you in his arms. You manage to pass out sometime within the same hour it took for you to finally calm down, and Mingi cannot help but hold you tighter.

His gaze lingers on your features, taking note of every dip and curve of your face as you rest in his arms. He studies the slope of your nose, the softness of your cheek as your eyes dance behind your eyelids throughout the night. He keeps his one hand resting over your own over your stomach, noticing how your body relaxes the longer he soothes you.

Not once does Mingi dare move. He doesn’t want to disturb you, and besides, you’ve been through a lot this evening. Letting you rest is his top priority. Getting to feel your body wrapped around his own is simply a bonus. One that he never knew he wanted until the very first touch.

It’s odd to him, how one so different from him can open up a whole new world he never knew possible. There is something deep within him that revels at having you near, a feeling that settles deep within his bones and tells him that being with you like this is right. A side within him arguing against everything he once knew and felt towards your kind, urging him to accept his basic instincts and always protect you.

He’s starting to care, and he doesn’t know whether that fact thrills, or terrifies him. All he does know is that he will keep you safe, no matter the cost.

Gently, Mingi lifts the hand he had resting over your stomach to your face. Tentatively, his fingers trace over the skin of your cheek, shifting to caress you softly in the palm of his hand.

Almost instantly, you lean into his touch.

His breath hitches, and his heart begins to pound within his chest. He’s never felt this way before. About anyone, or anything. You make something within him come alive, and he actively enjoys spending time with you. Seeing you scared, knowing you’re in pain, only serves to make his instincts go into overdrive.

You are as delicate as that flower you clutch so dearly in your hand. A blossom which Mingi will help flourish, nourishing you until he can see you fully bloom into the person you are meant to be. 

He will keep you safe. He will see you smile, and make you laugh. He will do all these things and more, and he will do them to ensure your happiness. 

Mingi may know nothing about your past, but he guarantees your future will be a bright one. He will make it so, even if it’s the last thing that he ever does.

***

Morning comes. The light of the sun creeps through the window, and casts a warm glow throughout the room. Faintly, birds can be heard chirping in the distance, and their tender song is what begins to rouse you from your slumber.

Groggily, you blink your eyes open. You can tell your face is a bit swollen from all the crying you did last night, and as you lift your hands to your cheek, you realize two things.

One: you fell asleep while held in that redcap’s arms last night. You currently do not know where he is, for he doesn’t occupy the bed beside yours, nor is he in your immediate line of sight. You also do not know how long he decided to comfort you, but from the way your heart feels, you do not care. 

You actually got a decent rest last night, slumbering straight through until morning without a single night terror. For that, you are grateful, albeit surprised.

Two: you are currently laying down. A soft blanket is wrapped over your figure, and your body no longer aches. You seem to be resting on your side, facing the bedside table, a pillow tucked carefully beneath your head.

Resting upon the top of the table beside you is a fresh glass of water. You can see the condensation forming on the glass, informing you that the water is cool, and hasn’t been there for long. Though, that’s not what shocks you the most.

A single stem of red spider lilies lays beside the glass of water. The flower is in full bloom; vibrant and healthy. From the faint scent you can smell drifting through the air, you can tell that this plant has just been picked, too.

Your heart warms, and you cannot help the way you immediately reach for that flower. Very carefully, and with that stem held in your hand, you sit up in bed, noticing how your stomach doesn’t seem to ache anymore in the spot where that fae had been digging his knee into you. 

Leaning against the headboard, you stare down at that flower held in your hand. Softly, you begin twirling the stem between your fingers, the faintest of smiles causing the corner of your lips to tug upwards. It’s been a long time since you felt this rested, this at peace.

Maybe you are dead, after all.

A figure out of the corner of your eyes startles you, and you drop the flower in surprise. It lands softly on your lap, a bright red to contrast the light brown sheets.

Standing near the end of your bed with a neutral expression on his face is that redcap, his eyes locked on your figure. You swear you imagine it, but for a brief second, you thought you saw the corners of his lips quirked upwards softly while looking at you.

“Good morning.” The low timbre of his voice fills the room. For some reason unknown to you, it wraps itself like a blanket around your figure, warming you from the inside out.

Your eyes dart from his face to the flower in your lap, then back again. Words get caught in your throat, and you find yourself unable to speak for the moment, opting to incline your head slightly.

Why is it that you suddenly feel shy around him? Did he actually do something for you, or are you simply imagining things while in a state of delirium?

“You should eat something.” He keeps his tone soft, motioning to the bedside table with his chin.

Turning your head, you notice a small tray of food resting just behind the glass of water. From the angle you had while you had been laying down, it made it difficult to see.

You nod, fingers fiddling with that stem in your lap as you avert your gaze downwards. It is then that you realize that your wrists are also no longer hurting, nor are they swollen. The fae must have healed you overnight, just as he’s always been doing.

A small silence passes between the both of you, and you notice how he doesn’t move a single inch from his spot. Although he keeps his gaze fixed on you, it’s not uncomfortable in the slightest. In fact, it’s probably the softest look you’ve ever felt him give you since you’ve met. A look you have never experienced before, but the longer he stares at you, the longer you wish to bathe in the warmth this new feeling provides. 

You don’t know why, but you want him to keep looking at you like that. To always look at you like that.

You swallow lightly, lips parting as you take a small breath in. The dryness in your throat prevents you from speaking the words you wish to say.

“Here,” Slowly, he crosses the short distance to the bedside table, grabbing the glass of water in his hand. “Drink this.”

Every movement he makes is careful, so as not to frighten you. A fact which you appreciate more than even you realize at the moment.

Reaching your hand out, you take the glass from him. Lightly, your fingers brush over his own, and neither of you can prevent the way you both react to the other’s touch.

His breath hitches ever so slightly, but it’s so faint that you swear you imagine it.

You, on the other hand, swallow once more, a light shiver caressing your spine.

Neither of you comment on the other’s reaction, and for that, you’re both grateful. You’re not ready to acknowledge the sudden shift between you, certain that this is really only a temporary thing. The rug has been pulled out from under your feet too many times before, and you’d rather be prepared for the sudden shift in gravity than fall flat on your face again.

Bringing the glass to your lips, you take a sip of water. You don’t realize just how dehydrated you are until the first drop hits your tongue, downing the glass almost instantly. Once empty, you go to place the glass back onto the table, only for a gentle hand to reach out and prevent you from doing so.

Blinking your gaze upwards, you see the fae leaning forward lightly. A pitcher of water is in his one hand as he uses the other to steady your own. Without a word, or waiting for a response, he fills your glass once more.

Gently, he pulls away from you. Intently, you watch him place the pitcher onto the bedside table, shifting backwards soon after to sit on the bed across from your own.

You take another sip of water, letting a comfortable silence fill the room. Your back still rests against the headboard as you sit upon the mattress, gaze falling to your lap. In one hand, that glass rests, fingers curled around it as the crisp coolness of the water seeps into your palm. In your other hand, you hold that stem of red spider lilies, twirling the bloom softly between your fingers.

Your expression is the most relaxed it’s been in a long time, and for once your body doesn’t ache in pain. Breathing is the easiest it’s ever been for the moment, and filling your lungs feels refreshing for a change, rather than a chore. Your lips part slightly, and your tongue darts out to wet them.

You hesitate, before taking a deep breath in to steady your nerves.

“Thank you.” The admission is barely above a whisper, but from the way the fae seems to stop breathing across from you, you know that he’s heard you loud and clear. “General-“

“Mingi.” His tone is firm, but more so in an eager way than demanding.

Your gaze darts up in surprise to meet his own, and you notice him clear his throat. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, the faintest hue of pink dusting his cheeks as he averts his gaze to the side.

You didn’t realize fae could feel something as trivial as embarrassment.

Not even a moment later, his once sharp eyes are drifting back to your own with the softest look resting on his features. You’ve never experienced anyone look at you in such a way before, and to say it makes your heart race would be a complete understatement.

Please, don’t let it be a dream. Don’t let it be a cruel trick you have become so used to. This feeling may be foreign, and terrifying in it’s own right, but the possibilities the outcome holds has you looking towards the future with hope for once.

“I wish for you to call me Mingi.” He breathes, his hands gripping lightly at the edge of the mattress he sits on.

It’s faint, but you cannot help the way your breath catches in your throat. Your gaze softens as you stare at the fae before you, heart swelling inside of your chest. You doubt this is his true name, but the fact that he trusts you enough to share such a part of himself with you has you feeling a certain type of way. A certain type of happy way.

A soft incline of your head is the first response he gets. The second is a slight upturn of your lips, and you’re certain he can hear the way your heart is thundering away erratically inside of your chest.

“Alright.” Your reply is gentle as you hum. “Thank you, Mingi.”

Such a tender, almost giddy smile, pulls at his lips. Even the corners of his eyes crinkle slightly, and you are suddenly taken by the beauty of this creature in front of you. Gone is the brute of a fae you met only a short while ago, and instead, in his place, is an oversized kitten parading around as a lion. Yet, you know that that beast still lingers just beneath the surface, ready and willing to strike at a moment’s notice.

Slowly, tentatively, you tell him your own name. A name no one has called you in years.

If you thought his smile was vibrant before, the second your name slips passed your lips his smile becomes downright blinding. 

There’s something about the way he repeats your name slowly, as if testing the weight of it on his tongue to ensure he gets it right ever time, that has another warmth blooming in your chest. There is no malice in the way he grins at you once he’s perfected the way your name falls from his lips, and you find you can only smile faintly at him in response. A fact of which that only serves to make him more giddy.

“You should eat.” He repeats his words from earlier as he stands back to his feet. “Regain your strength for when we set out once more.”

You nod in response, reaching over to place the glass of water back onto the bedside table. Once your hand is free, you carefully slide the tray of food towards you, lifting it onto your lap to begin eating.

“Take your time,” he says casually over his shoulder. “We leave once you’re ready.”

Again, you simply nod in response. 

There’s a sense of calm that hasn’t left you since you woke up, and the longer the morning lasts, the more you settle into this new feeling. You know you probably shouldn’t let yourself get too comfortable. The wool’s been pulled over your eyes too many times to count. However, there’s something about this fae - Mingi - that urges you to trust him.

After all, no one else has ever come to your rescue like he did last night.

Glancing down at that stem of spider lilies resting in your one hand, you cannot help the small smile that graces your features once more. It surprises you, because for a time, you thought that you may have forgotten just how to do such a simple thing. Yet, with this redcap, you seem to be relearning how to live again.

A girl that you haven’t seen in years, that you could no longer recognize in the mirror, is finally becoming the woman she has always been meant to be.

***

An hour or so later, and you begin to make your way back down to the main area of the tavern. Mingi said he would meet you downstairs to let you finish getting ready for the day. He told you not to rush, but you know not to keep him waiting. Besides, it’s not like you want to, anyways.

The tavern is much quieter than last night, with far less patrons. Only a few fae can be seen sitting around the space as you walk out onto the main floor, but that doesn’t mean their eyes still aren’t locked on you as soon as you appear.

More whispers about a supposed missing claim mark reach your ears, but you ignore them for now. You purse your lips slightly, saying nothing. Not when you see Mingi seemingly arguing with the owner of the tavern off to your left.

“Then, where the fuck did they get the ward key in the first place?” The redcap’s sharp tone is kept low, yet deadly all the same.

“I didn’t give them the key, if that’s what you’re implying.” The owner frowns, standing his ground. “If you’re that concerned about a human, don’t bring them into a den full of unknown fae. You, of all creatures, should understand.”

Mingi scowls, nearly reaching across the counter to scruff the fae’s shirt. His eyes glance over to you briefly, and you notice the way he stops himself, his hands clenching into fists at his sides.

“You have to activate the wards before a key can be used, do you not?” He hisses, irritation marring his brow.

“I must have forgotten to deactivate it when it was returned the last time.” The tavern owner replies without missing a beat. “If it’s taken from the return counter, I cannot prevent that.”

“You let them take the key off the counter?” Mingi’s voice booms across the tavern, and all heads turn to look at the both of you.

“Watch your tone.” The owner snaps, eyes suddenly sharp. “Don’t forget, you’re a guest here.”

“Fine.” Mingi lets out a sharp, exasperated huff. 

Without another word, Mingi turns around to face you. Your eyes go wide as he places a hand onto your shoulder, turning you towards the exit. Though his body is tense, his touch is surprisingly gentle as he leads you out of the tavern and towards the edge of the forest, muttering under his breath.

“Stupid fucking creature left the key on the counter for them to take,” his voice is but a growl upon his lips, the stomping of his feet drawing attention from the few townsfolk outside enjoying the early morning air.

Your eyes dart every which way, glad that none of the other fae seem to be following after such an annoyed redcap. Of course, given the circumstances, you’re grateful. However, a chill still caresses your spine.

No one would have come to your aid should Mingi choose to take his annoyance out on you. Nor do they seem concerned that you do not belong with him, being a human and all. You’re in above your head, or at least, you would be, if you were in any immediate danger.

Walking through the woods, you remain silent for the time being. Given the morning you’ve had, you do not wish to upset the balance and make Mingi actually turn his anger towards you. You know he cannot lie, so his statement to protect you should hold true. However, you do not know how long that truth will last, or what might accidentally set him off.

This is completely new territory for you, and it both excites and terrifies you to no end. Someone felt that your life was worth saving, and not out of necessity.

It shouldn’t, but that means something to you. It means everything to you.

Passing by the stream you took that fateful bath in with Windfel as your ‘guard’ takes no time at all. In fact, you barely notice when you do, too caught up in your own mind for the moment. Still, there’s that familiar call from the water, beckoning you back towards its crisp coolness. A call which you rightfully ignore, just like the first time it sung to you.

You don’t have time for that, nor is bathing an option right now. Thus, you resist the streams’ call for another day.

Soon, hours pass with you traversing through the woods. No longer are you forced to follow after the redcap general. Instead, Mingi makes sure to walk right beside you. The only time he seems to speak is to alert you of a sudden root or rock in your path, or to let you know the direction you’ll be headed in.

Sometime later, and after he’s completely calmed down, you notice his arm starting to brush against your own. It’s gentle, and it could easily be passed off as his walking pattern, but after the third time he does it, you realize that maybe, just maybe, he wants to touch you.

His eyes are slightly out of focus, and you believe him to be walking purely on muscle memory alone. He must know the path to this keep of his like the back of his hand, for he doesn’t even blink when he steps over a few large roots you don’t even think he noticed.

“You’re lucky to be alive.” Mingi’s voice cutting through the silence of the woods has your eyes immediately darting over to him.

“So, you’ve said.” You reply lightly, cautiously.

This must be what’s on his mind. Hopefully, he’s not about to turn him saving you into a lecture about being in his debt. You’ve heard that one too many times to count.

“The stream you bathed in,” he begins, sparing a glance at you out of the corner of his vision as you walk beside him. “It should have killed you the minute you entered its waters.”

You breath catches in your throat, and you nearly trip over your own two feet.

“Well, that’s reassuring,” you exhale a long breath through your nose, frowning slightly.

Is that why Windfel…? No. It can’t be…

“I don’t know what drove you to dive into its waters, but the wild stream is enchanted so that once you enter, you can never leave.” He explains, keeping his head forward, gaze fixed on the path before your feet. “Or, well, it’s supposed to be."

“Windfel told me to bathe.” Comes your reply, staring down at the ground nervously. “He said I stunk.”

“Ah, so he pulled you out.” Mingi hums, as if the answer has suddenly been revealed to him.

“No, I got in and out myself.”

“That’s impossible.” Mingi frowns, turning to glance at you walking beside him. “The stream coaxes you into a sense of bliss, and the waters pull you deeper into its current the moment you set foot in it.”

“Well, I did hear a small voice encouraging me to stay.” You tilt your head slightly, almost in recollection.

“Yet, you still managed to pull yourself out?” Mingi asks, slight disbelief clinging to the edge of his words.

“We had to get back to camp,” you shrug, shoulders suddenly curling in on yourself. “There were things to be done.”

Almost immediately, Mingi stops walking. When he notices you get a few paces ahead, his hand reaches out to halt you in your tracks. Turning you to face him, you notice worry lining his brow.

“You escaped the waters of the wild stream because you felt a sense of duty?”

You purse your lips, eyes flitting everywhere around the area except to Mingi’s own.

“It’s not like that…”

“Then, how did you manage to escape Windfel?” He questions, both his hands resting on top of your shoulders now.

“I didn’t.” Comes your blunt reply, blinking up at the redcap before you.

You can feel your heart rate accelerate at the look in his eyes, fingers picking nervously at the end of your shirt. You know you should meet his gaze, it’s been drilled into since who knows when, but you fear the monster you’ll see looking back at you if you do.

“What do you mean you didn’t escape Windfel?” Mingi’s fingers tighten ever so slightly over your shoulders, frown marring his features. “It’s not like he would have just let you go.”

You say nothing, opting to purse your lips in response. You can feel your heart pounding inside of your chest as you continue to avert your gaze to the side. Given the way he’s currently reacting, you doubt he’d believe you anyways. Even if you tried.

Softly, he calls you name. His one hand gently cups you beneath your chin, turning your head to meet his gaze as he searches your own.

“If you believe I will get upset with you for telling me what happened, I will not.” His words are calm, yet firm, and there’s a certain look residing in his sharp eyes that makes you believe him.

So, you take a deep breath in.

“He told me to go survive on my own. That’s all.” Your body is tense beneath his hold as you tentatively brush his hands off of your shoulders.

He lets you.

Mingi purses his lips, clearly not satisfied with your answer. Only, despite the way you can visibly see his jaw twitch, he doesn’t push you.

“Come on,” he sighs, turning back to face the direction in which you’re travelling in. “There’s still a long ways to go.”

***

Two more days pass by like this, with you walking side by side with Mingi as you make the long trek back to his home. He’s a little more talkative than you’re used to, but not by much. He seems to be respecting your boundaries, for the most part. He doesn’t push you to answer him, nor is he as forceful with you as he was during the first few days you spent together.

Ever since that incident in the tavern, he’s been… nice. Well, as nice as a fae can be, all things considered.

In the evenings, when the sun begins to set and he notices your limp becoming more prominent, he purposely makes you stop to rest. He brings you food, and water, and if you get cold, he always makes sure to build a fire. He even goes so far as to sit near you, or against the tree beside your own, always making sure he’s close by in case you should need him.

The odd time, you even catch him glancing your way. Usually, he wears an unreadable expression on his features, but every so often, you catch that same soft look residing in his eyes as you did the morning you woke up in that tavern. It’s happened too often for you to just be imagining it anymore, and given the sudden way he’s been treating you, you find yourself relaxing more and more around him every day.

It’s beginning to look less and less like a false sense of security, and more and more like a genuine connection. Something which, now that you think about, you’ve never experienced before in your life.

The third day passes with no major events, but during the morning of the fourth, Mingi wakes you just before the sun rises.

“Come with me,” he says gently, keeping his voice low so as not to startle you from slumber. “There’s something I wish to show you.”

Mingi leads you up and around a small nearby hill, a beautiful pond stretching out before you. The water is as still as glass, and just as clear. You can see some wildlife faintly grazing around the edges, fish swimming beneath the surface of the pond. It makes you smile.

A few mountains can be seen rising in the distance, and the first rays of the morning sun begin to peek through their valleys. The tops of the surrounding trees begin to glow, the mist from the mountains rolling over the hills. Faintly, you can even hear birds beginning to sing their morning songs.

A small gasp of wonder escapes you as you see vibrant shades of pink, red, orange, and yellow light up the sky before you. The sun crests between the centre of the mountains, and you cannot help but to stare in awe at the beautiful sunrise spread out before your very eyes.

Blinking a few times, you can feel the familiar sting of tears beginning to line your vision. No one has ever done something like this for you, let alone shared in such a wonderful sight.

Standing here, you feel as if the whole world is spread out before you. A feeling you have never gotten to experience. Right now, you could be anything, do anything, or maybe even go anywhere.

For the first time in your life, you know what it feels like to be free.

Turning your head, you glance upwards to see Mingi already staring down at you. The same soft look rests on his features, his lips tugging upwards tenderly in a faint smile. His eyes shine with something you do not quite understand, but at the way the sunlight bathes his features in gold, you cannot help but feel that you do.

The hand you feel him place onto your back, right between your shoulder blades, is hesitant. Almost as if he expects you to pull away from him at any given moment. The fact that his touch is always so gentle now only makes your skin tingle pleasantly. For some reason, you just know that he’s also giving you the opportunity to pull away if need be.

Always, now, it is your choice. A choice you’ve never had in the past, nor ever been given the opportunity to take, even if you wanted to.

You swallow the sudden dryness in your throat, the tears that have welled in your eyes finally spilling over onto your cheeks. Though, for the first time in a long time, they aren’t out of pain or sadness. 

No, grief does not cling to your lashes this time. This time, only a seed of joy can be felt, feeling it cultivate within your chest and beginning to grow outwards until it reaches the very tips of your fingers. A seed of which is beginning to bloom, and all because of him.

Movement catches your attention, and you look down to see a fresh stem of red spider lilies held between the tips of his fingers. The old stem had started to wilt, the flowers dying as their petals fell from the once vibrant flowers given to you that morning at the tavern.

It is then that you realize that he was the one who gifted you that fresh stem all those mornings ago.

You cannot help it. Your heart skips a beat inside of your chest.

“Is this-“ you swallow the emotions building within your throat. “Is this for me?”

Mingi smiles softly, inclining his head gently as he holds the flower out to you.

Carefully, you reach out and take that brilliant flower from his hand. Your fingers curl around the stem, more tears falling over your cheeks as you hold it tightly against your chest, pressing it directly over your heart.

Pursing your lips to keep your chin from wobbling, you squeeze your eyes shut.

It’s real. This is real. You are choosing to believe that what is happening right now is all real. What’s even better is that it is for you. It’s all for you.

At the soft touch you feel caress your cheek, you know that you’ve made the right decision. The decision to believe, even if you’re still terrified of what it means to take that leap.

Blinking your eyes open, you glance upwards to see Mingi already staring down at you with the most tender look you’ve ever received from anybody resting on his features. You can feel his thumb gently stroking over the skin of your cheek, wiping at the trail of your tears in the process.

Slowly, and ever so gently, he pulls you in closer.

“I want to see you thrive,” his voice is barely above a whisper, but you still hear him loud and clear within the silence that the morning brings.

It’s as if the whole world has gone still around you, and all you can see in this moment is him.

“I want to nurture you, and make you the happiest you’ve ever been.” His gaze never leaves your own as he tilts your head upwards slightly. “You have the most captivating smile, and I wish to see it more often.”

Your lips part in a silent gasp, heart pounding erratically inside of your chest.

“I wish to be the cause of it, of your laughter, your joy,” he leans in closer, his eyes hooding over as he darts his gaze down to your lips. “For you, there is nothing I wouldn’t do.”

There’s a slight hitch to your breath as your free hand comes up to rest against his chest. You swear you feel a slight rumble beneath your fingertips in contentment, too.

Again, his gaze flits down to your lips, and your hand tightens over his shirt. You swallow the sudden dryness in your throat, clinging to him as he continues to hold you so tenderly in the palm of his hand.

“More than all of that, though,” he breathes, and you can feel the warmth of his body against your own, “I wish to see you bloom.”

The second those words escape him, he’s pressing his lips to your own. His one hand cups your face so gingerly, pulling you in even closer as his opposite arm wraps fully around your waist. You can feel his chest rumble beneath your fingers once more, and this time, there’s no denying the pleased growl that escapes him.

Your eyes flutter closed in bliss, breath catching as you hear his growl of content surround you. The kiss is sudden, but welcome, nonetheless, and you cannot help but lean into him slightly.

All too soon, he pulls away, resting his forehead against your own. The light of the morning sun surrounds you both, and only serves to make the other glow beneath the golden hue of the surrounding hills. A warmth that covers you both as you stare into each other’s eyes.

“I have grown to care for you, My Blossom,” his gaze holds nothing but tender fondness as he says this, his thumb gently stroking over the skin of your cheek. “I only hope you will grow to care for me, too.”

The hand you have resting on his chest slides upwards, carefully cupping the side of his face in your palm. You notice his eyes flutter shut almost immediately, leaning into your tentative touch.

“I know it won’t be easy,” he keeps his voice low as he revels in your touch, “but I will always keep you safe. Nothing will hurt you while I am here to protect you.”

Mingi blinks his eyes open, shifting the hand he had splayed over your back to rest over your own over his cheek. His dark eyes glint in the light of the morning sun, full of promise and hope. 

A look you’ve only ever dreamed of being on the receiving end of one day.

“Mingi,” the way you breathe out his name has his eyes fluttering closed in bliss once more. “I- I-“ you swallow the lump in your throat, “I think I’m starting to care for you, too.”

Your words have a brilliant smile tugging at his features. His eyes crinkle at the sides, and he stands back to his full height. Softly, he squeezes your hand in his own, intertwining your fingers together as he begins to lead you through the woods for the day.

“That’s good enough for me,” he hums, lightly swinging your hands back and forth between you. “The fact that you can come to care for a monster like me makes me the happiest creature in the world.”

Suddenly, you stop in your tracks, and Mingi turns to look at you with a furrowed brow.

“You are not a monster, Mingi.” Your voice is firm, albeit a little pained.

The furrow in his brow deepens, and he begins to speak, only for you to cut him off.

“I have lived with monsters my whole life, and you are the furthest thing from being one of them.”

The air around you goes still with tension, and you notice how dark the sudden look in Mingi’s eyes is. Not even the birds dare to speak as the sun dulls behind the canopy of trees.

“Who hurt you?” The words are but a low growl on his lips, his hand tightening subconsciously over your own.

You go to pull away, but Mingi tugs you back to him in an instant.

“Who. Hurt. You?” This time, he emphasizes each word carefully. 

His gaze is sharp, and he can barely control his breathing. Lips are pulled back over sharp teeth, and his claws threaten to unsheathe any second at the anger building within. Again, his hand tightens over your own and you end up crying out in pain, pulling yourself out of his grip as he recoils from the sound.

Remorse paints his features, but there is no hiding how dark his eyes still are. He attempts to step towards you, wanting to make sure that you’re okay, but you take a step back. The smell of fear fills the air, but not just any fear.

Your fear.

Mingi’s expression falls. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

You say nothing in response, cradling your hand protectively to your chest. That sprig of flowers acts like a beacon, and Mingi is suddenly hit with the memory of how he first found you leaning against that tree all those days ago.

He inhales sharply.

“Please,” his dark eyes are pained, and he reaches for you once more. “Forgive me. I do not know what came over me.”

You blink rapidly, reaching your hands up to rub at your eyes.

Lightly, you shake your head, taking a deep breath to calm your nerves. “That you could get angry for me, not even knowing what’s happened…”

“Much as I would like to know, I will not pry.” He replies, suddenly appearing much more calm than he was mere moments ago. “Know that I will always get upset at the thought of someone hurting you. It is in my nature to want to protect the things I care about. It will… take some getting used to to remind myself to control my strength around you, as well.”

Averting your gaze to the ground, a small warmth begins to bloom in your chest. The fact that he seems so earnest in his explanation has a tension releasing from your shoulders that you didn’t realize you had been holding onto. He is fae, after all. You know he is much stronger than you, and from what you’ve gathered, hasn’t been around humans all that often.

As terrifying as it is to admit, you trust him. He’s done nothing to deceive you from the start, and if his words are anything to go by, he never will.

Tentatively, he offers you his hand. “Shall we?”

Your eyes flit from his face to his open palm, taking a cautious step towards him. Not even a moment later, you place your hand softly in his own, and he laces your fingers together without a second thought. Though, this time, it feels as if he’s holding onto you even more carefully than before. A fact which both surprises and elates you at the same time.

“I didn’t know you could be this gentle.” The corners of your lips twitch upwards, admiring the warmth that radiates from his palm to yours.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” he hums, a slight grin tugging onto his features.

“As there are many things you do not know about me.” You agree lightly, trying, and failing, to hide your smile as he begins swinging your hands between the both of you again.

“And yet, I grow more curious about My Blossom every day,” he responds, his thumb beginning to rub softly over the back of your palm.

The heat that rises to your cheeks is involuntary, and you avert your gaze to the side shyly. Subconsciously, you squeeze his hand, and you hear him chuckle lowly in response.

“Well, then, General,” your voice is light, teasing. A tone you haven’t used with anyone in a long, long time. “What would you like to know?”

His grin widens, and he turns his head towards you. 

“Tell me everything.”

For the entirety of the day, the two of you talk. Conversation flows easily, and you get to know each other better. He tells you more about the keep, and why he chose that place to live. In return, you tell him a little bit about your hometown. However, as you talk about the field of red spider lilies that used to reside about two miles away from your house, you cannot prevent the sad smile that pulls onto your lips.

“It burned.” You recall with an expression akin to longing on your features.

“Then, I shall plant you a new one when we get home.”

His reply shocks you, and you cannot prevent the way your eyes go wide in response. The way that he says this so casually, too, has your heart swelling inside of your chest.

Mingi then goes on to tell you a little bit about his childhood. It’s gruesome, and wild. Everything you would expect for a redcap raised in this realm. Though, what surprises you the most is when he goes into detail about his moral code.

No wonder he is the way he is, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you wouldn’t want him any other way. It’s unexpected, but if you had to get stuck with any type of fae in this realm, you’re glad you got stuck with him.

It’s about an hour before the sun is supposed to set that your limp starts to become prominent again. You notice the way Mingi’s brow furrows in discontent, his gaze fixated on your right foot as he helps you sit down against a tree.

“Blossom, why is it that you have a limp?” His question is soft, his hands holding yours gently in his as he kneels beside you on the ground.

You stiffen, breath catching in your throat. Memories which you haven’t thought about since they happened flood your mind, and your chest tightens. Your lungs begin to ache as filling them with air suddenly becomes difficult, nearly beginning to hyperventilate.

Out of the corner of your eyes, you see that same monster covered in blood. Only this time, he’s holding a shovel.

Taking a deep breath in to ground yourself, you remind yourself that you are safe. Mingi will protect you from the monsters hidden in plain sight. He promised. 

You turn your gaze to meet his own, speaking softly, “That’s a story for another evening. Okay, Min?”

His eyebrows raise slightly, but he doesn’t press the matter. In fact, you believe he’s far too distracted by the name you’ve just called him, for you hear him let out a low giggle, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he smiles giddily.

“Wait right here,” he tells you as he stands back to his feet. “I’ll be back with some supplies in a little bit.”

“I can help, too,” you go to push yourself off of the ground and back to your feet.

“No.” Instantly, he’s crouched before you once more, hands placed gently on your shoulders to keep you seated in your spot. “You stay here and rest. Let me handle everything. I want to take care of you.”

“Okay,” you breathe out, looking up at him through your lashes.

You’ve never experienced this before. Always, it’s been you fending for yourself whenever you can. First came others, then if you had a rare moment to yourself, you would treat her to something. Though, as more and more time passed, those moments came few and far in-between, until even so much as thinking of doing something for yourself caused you to recoil back in horror.

“I’ll be back before you know it.” Mingi smiles in response, leaning in to press his lips to your forehead before standing back to his feet. “I promise.”

True to his word, Mingi isn’t gone for more than an hour. He brings back with him some food and fresh water, along with the materials to build a small fire. One which he sets up quickly after handing you the food he found.

Once the fire is lit, Mingi shifts to sit beside you against the trunk of the tree you’re resting on.

“I thought I told you to eat,” his voice is low, his arm brushing against your own as he settles deeper against the wood at your back.

“I wanted to wait for you.” Comes your soft reply, holding out some berries he had picked for the both of you in the palm of your hand.

Carefully, he plucks up a fruit in his fingers. Only, instead of bringing it to his lips, he holds it to your own. You meet his gaze, and he only smiles at you, pressing the berry a little firmer against your mouth.

“Eat.” His voice is firm in his command, yet still tender all the same. “I will not until you do."

Parting your lips, you allow him to feed you the berry. He places it ever so gently onto your tongue, his thumb tracing over your bottom lip as the dark juice smears against your skin.

The sweetness of the fruit explodes onto your tastebuds as you bite down, chewing softly. You swallow, maintaining eye contact with him the whole time. You can hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears, and an actual thrill of excitement shoots through you. Quite a new feeling that you wish to feel again, and again, and again. With him.

One that gives you the courage to dart your tongue out, swiping at the tip of his thumb.

Mingi’s lips part, his eyes hooding over as he stares down at the way your tongue darts out to brush against his thumb a second time. He nearly moans at the feeling, chest rumbling deeply in contentment as he reluctantly pulls his hand away from your mouth.

The last thing he wants is to not be able to control himself around you, and scare you aware. He’s already tasted your fear, and he never wants to experience that bitter, repulsive scent ever again. He’s had enough of it to last a lifetime already.

A small smile begins to pull at his features as he watches you take a berry into your free hand. He cannot prevent the way his heart swells as you bring the fruit up to his lips, which eagerly part for the offering you provide for him. His eyes shine with that familiar tenderness, gazing upon you as if you are the brightest star lighting up his night sky.

To him, you are.

Slowly, carefully, Mingi wraps an arm around your shoulders. He shifts the slightest bit closer to you, but even if he senses the mildest form of discomfort from you, he will move away. Luckily, he doesn’t have to worry for too long, for you shuffle closer to him, tucking yourself against his side as you lean your head onto his chest.

“Is this okay?” He asks softly, his hand settling against the side of your waist.

Gently, you nod your head.

“More than okay.” The words are but a low hum as they fall from your lips. “I don’t-“ You take a small breath in. “I don’t think I’ve ever been held like this before.”

A pleased rumble shakes his chest, and Mingi pulls you in slightly closer into his side.

“How happy I am, then, that we get to experience this together.” 

The rest of the night is spent curled up in Mingi’s arms, of which he is more than happy to hold you in. You take turns feeding each other berries, along with the other fruit he’s gathered, and by the time the moon has risen high in the sky, you are fast asleep against his side.

Like that fateful night not quite yet a week ago, Mingi absolutely revels in the feeling of you in his arms. There is no greater feeling for him than your body pressed against his own, and the fact that he gets to take this time to admire you while you sleep causes his heart to swell inside of his chest.

You are so peaceful like this. So calm. You fit perfectly with him, and just like the first night he got to hold you while you slept, he traces each and every contour of your features. Everything he sees, he commits to memory, letting his gaze linger almost longingly on your lips as he recalls the feeling of them pressed against his own.

Mingi smiles, tracing a knuckle softly against your cheek. The way you still seem to lean into his touch, curling deeper against his side subconsciously, only makes his heart race. A pleasant tingle erupts beneath his skin wherever he feels you pressed against him, and all he wants is more.

There is nothing he wouldn’t do for you, and as Mingi rests with you beneath the light of the stars, he vows to himself to figure out who these monsters are that you spoke of earlier that day. Anybody who brings you pain, who makes or has made you suffer, does not deserve to live any longer. Not if he has anything to say about it.

He’ll show these monsters what a true beast looks like, all while proving that a real monster fights for you.

[missakward123]

Can I get a kiss? (And can you make it last forever?)

Gojo Satoru x reader, kento nanami x reader, Sukuna x reader

Jjk men reacting to you asking for a kiss when they are inside you/ or eating you out.

Warnings: P in V, no protection (wrap it before you tap it guys), Oral (f recieving), edging, overstim, spitting, degradation kink

A/N: I was bored. Hope you liked it! I literally was just listening to the song when i got inspo!! this has been sitting in my drafts like foreverrrr. (Stealing and modification of work is prohibited.)

Gojo Satoru:

To be honest with his clingy ass the better question is when he does not want kisses? But the need is even more when he puts his inches inside you watching as you struggle to take him-his sweet girl. But it's you who asks first (for once) because you need him in a way if you don't you will die, sort of.

"Mmmm h-harder toru' " You moan as you finally adjust to his size.

"Harder? didn't you tell me to go easy this time?" He snickers as he starts thrusting- white hair messy with sweat resting on his forehead and blue eyes focused on you.

You moan in response, c'mon with a dick that big you let him have the last word sometimes.

"F-fvk that your best?" You say biting your lip. Over the years you have known Satoru riling him up is the best way to get what you wanted but in this case? - god you really love digging your own grave don't you?

Satoru narrows his eyes and puts your one leg over his shoulder.

Uh-oh.

There is nothing but the sound of skin slapping against one another, your pussy squelching so obscenely around him.

"Ya hear that doll?" He says whispering in your ear.

"So wet for me huh? it's almost like you wanna milk the life out of me." He says voice low and hoarse, god really has favourites.

As he pounds so filthily, obscenely and shamelessly into you, you can't help but stare at him- the strongest proving himself to you.

"Nggh w-want a kiss toru" You say, more moaning than speaking.

And what his girl wants, she gets.

He bends down to steal your lips in a feverish kiss.

So sweetly, so euphoric, so lovingly.... almost as if he wasn't rearranging your guts.

All you can hope is things last like this forever him being yours and you being his.

As he stares into your eyes and feels his dick harden again and falls in love again with you he promises himself to go with an actual date with you after the shibuya mission.

Kento Nanami:

Oh, he is the kind of guy who is the definition of focused. Before he met you, he was focused on his career (still is- gotta have money to spoil his girl, right?) and making sure he was not a problem to the Neighbours.......

Now, the Neighbours were SICK of you both and Nanami's favourite activity he did after coming home after a longgggg day of tiring work and his sweet wife all dolled up waiting for him.

"K-ken the neighbours are gonna c-complain-" You stutter trying to speak a proper sentence which Nanami makes hard to especially when his head is trapped between your plush thighs and arms holding your hip -he doesn't want you squirming or does he? especially the way he is eating you out? he isn't stopping till you cry (if you are lucky).

"Let them." He says, focused on you, his meal. You look at him- so -so pretty, you think.

"You think I am pretty?" He chuckles, oops did you say that out loud?

Now anyone would blush at the sight- you so shamelessly sprawled for him on the dining table (the very dining table you both entertain guests as they fawn over how lovely and suitable you are for each other), skirt hitched around your hips, mascara smudged- wait, weren't yall supposed to go on a date? -and Nanami still in his suit tie a bit loosened from his hobby he was indulging in at the moment.

You are lost in pleasure, your mind too dumb to think straight.

You grab at his strands as his tongue flicks out to tease your already swollen nub.

"C-can I come? Please please please please-" you say like a mantra feeling your orgasm dawn for the 4th- or was it 5th?

"Hmmm?" He says as if considering it- so mean.

"No let's try something else hmm?" He says smirking- on his knees like he won't do this again- but he will, and you would let him.

"C-can I get a kiss?" You say panting, eyes wide open staring at the love of your life.

"Of course, sweetheart." Nanami says smiling the facade he puts up when doing this cracking up a bit, as he catches your lips in a kiss- you could marry him again.

A bit.

He smacks your ass. "Now, darling you decide- do I let you come while you are on call with the guy who flirted with you earlier or........ I don't let you come at all?"

Uh oh.

Ryomen Sukuna:

Now, Sukuna is a menace, suprise suprise! A bit bratty and forget getting to come this curse man is not resting till you are going limp in his arms.

"Ah! I am s-so-sorry" You stutter trying to get words out of your mouth.

"S-so-sorry" He repeats in a mocking tone- so rude- and he enters into you- again- "What, brat? Can't get the words out?" He says in a concerned tone.

Oh, he is FAR from concerned if anything it's as if he is well intent on breaking you.

"P-please don't tease-" You try to say. Heavy implication on 'try' because as you open your mouths and barely get the words out, he is spitting on your clit drawing harsh circles on your bud.

He laughs as he watches you gasp and moan at his actions. "Knew you were nothing but a slvt- just hungry for some cvck huh? that's why you were being so rude earlier?" He whispers in your ear- words slowing down as his actions speed up- as he increases his thrusts so unforgivingly.

"K-kuna?" You say to him voice whiny and so high pitch- he would probably laugh it he wasn't as pent as you and with the way you were clenching around him....

"W-want a kiss" You ask- no demand lips puckering up and Sukuna chuckles before capturing your lips in a feverish kiss.

And he watches as you smile and moan into his mouth too smitten with you.

It was you after all.

Your breath hitches and fingers dig into his back- a tell-tale sign you were going to come which- "Come for me hmm?" He whispers voice all low and seductive.

And you do.

A/N: Hope you liked it! I am NOT very good at writing it for several characters at once.......but I tried my best- please provide feedback!

I was gonna write for others too but y'know it wasnt coming off nicely these are the only ones which vibed :P

[forrestbrine]

doing this finally (catching up on Auctober)

warning this is a super long post that isn’t really about Minecraft. It’s Auctober!!! I finally found some time to do this so I’m gonna do all of it then try to stay on the schedule:)

Day 1: Autism Plus

I have autism and adhd. I really like touching surfaces that are bumpy or running cloths on my face. It’s just something I’ve always done 💀 I never knew why it gave me such joy until I started researching autism. I’ve known I was ADHD since I was 12 but I always did things that didn’t exactly line up with ADHD, like literally screaming when my friends sung the “we all scream for ice cream” song when we were young and telling my friends obsessively about horses. I struggle a lot with working memory and executive function, but I am working on it every day. :)

Day 2: Infinite

I very much like the infinity symbol more than the puzzle piece. It represents that autism is a lifelong condition; forever and ever, I will always be autistic, not just in my childhood. I also like it because the infinity symbol loops back into itself, to me that represents autism affecting multiple parts of my life, not just in school or work.

day 3: Audhd

hey!!! That’s me !!!! I already talked about it in day 1 a lot :) but autism and adhd are very comorbid. I think the percentage is 30% of autistic people have adhd traits and vice versa. I think that’s neat that there’s a lot of other autistic people who also have adhd and can understand me.

day 4: music

i wear headphones with music playing a lot when im able to. Mostly it is a self-soothing measure for me and a way to block out outside noise. I like that I can control what music I listen to, whether it be sad or happy or loud or quiet.

day 5: verbose

im such a yapper when it comes to my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s weird because very very little people at my school/work want to hear me talk about minecraft lore and history 😭 I could honestly go on for hours. I would love to teach history lessons about stuff too. I love american history.

day 6: Individuals

every person with autism is different. Autism is a developmental disorder and every persons brain is different, hence it affects our brains differently. I really hate when people go “you don’t act like my autistic family member” or “you don’t (insert autistic stereotype here)” because it really shows how little people know about autism. I wish there was more social awareness around the fact that it’s a spectrum and not just totally different “types” of autism.

day 7: neuroscope

I have two friends and they’re both also neurodivergent. I also have online friends and we’re all neurodivergent. I think we attract each other like magnets at this point 😭

day 8: non-speaking

I experience this sometimes, where I have verbal shutdowns. it’s due to stress and overstimulation 😔 thankfully at work a lot of my coworkers know I’m autistic and are very accommodating and understanding :)

day 9: community

I have been in the neurodivergent community for a while, and it has been very nice! A lot of understanding people who just get me. :) I’ve met people with many different ideas, and learned a lot about myself and many other conditions I didn’t know about before. day 10: self advocacy

I’ve had to self advocate for myself in places like school and work to ensure I have an experience that doesn’t totally wipe me out. It’s a tiring process but definitely worth it. I have also advocated for myself online about my specific needs, like blocking things out that may upset or overwhelm me. I used to think that doing things like this was a sign of weakness, but now I understand that I should never be ashamed of doing something that keeps me safe and happy.

day 11: unlearning ableism

when I was about 9-10 years old I was really struggling in school. It was very hard for me to pay attention to topics and schoolwork. I didn’t know what adhd was and my teachers said that I was lazy and choosing not to pay attention. I was called sensitive and forgetful. I never knew why or how these things happened, they just did. It’s been a really hard journey for me to unlearn a lot of the stuff I was told in my childhood, that I was lazy, stupid, gullible, sensitive, a crybaby, etc. After researching things like autism and adhd I understood *why* these things happened, but it didn’t erase the subtle ableism that had been instilled in me. I have been getting better, and being kinder to myself.

day 12: wired differently

my brain is different than a neurotypical person’s brain. All of our brains are different! That’s why autism isn’t some “curable” disorder. It’s from birth and affects us throughout our entire lives. It’s not just one part of our brain, it’s all of the brain that is affected.

ummm that’s it! updates will be soon I think

[dandelion-blues]

Bittersweet Blood

About:

What if Loki was Sally Jackson? Thus, Percy is born a half-blood of two gods from differing patheons. It's time Loki and Percy took the Marvel Universe by storm.

First - Previous - Next Chapter

Chapter 2, Part 5: The Sea Protects

Triton looked deep in thought as he calmed down and finally looked up, “I don’t think the child needs to forgo their Norse heritage. The Greek and Norse worlds are vastly different, and knowing about the Norse side of things shouldn’t increase the child’s danger like it will if they know about the Greek side. Because even Greek gods' scent increases with their awareness, and there are plenty of monsters and gods who would take advantage of a young god.”

Triton adds, “In fact it would probably be more beneficial for the child to know about their Norse side sooner, so they can practice their powers and will be more than prepared to fight monsters and survive. Of course, only when they are old enough to properly handle a weapon.”

Loki smiles in awe. He wants his child to know their Norse heritage, for it to not just be some dirty secret. Loki is glad. It feels much better to just hide parts of his child’s heritage, not forever, just until they can learn to properly defend themselves, and later to learn their Greek heritage when it’s time to tell them when it’s time to accept their destiny.

Poseidon grins widely, “And that means I can still train our child how to use a trident and how to command the ocean and strategize. I’ll just have to pretend to be an Asgardian.”

‘That I can still be in their life.’ went unsaid, but Loki and Amphitrite heard it loud and clear.

“How will we explain our names, though, and powers? We can’t even risk any hint of Greek into the child’s life to keep them the safest? And will the child live on the surface?” Triton asks.

“Well, I think that would be for the best. I do quite want to continue living on the surface even if it is lovely down here.” Loki responds.

Loki continues, “Also, I am very familiar with changing names and appearance. In fact I have a current mortal identity known as Sally Jackson, and she, I, am quite proud of how well I was able to adjust to Mid-” Loki cuts himself on, remembering what Poseidon said about calling Earth Midgard, and clears his throat, “Human culture.”

Then, Loki’s face goes white. He just admitted that he was female sometimes, and oh Norns, would they be disgusted with him?

Except all he sees when he looks toward Amphitrite and Triton all he sees is interest, and is that adoration from Amphitrite.

Loki shakes his head, he knew he was overthinking, but still that fear of being judged doesn’t just go away. Even when he’s been accepted and supported by Poseidon and his friend Malia. It’s still hard to tell others and not assume the worst.

“Hmm, can you help us with that dear?” Amphitrite asks sweetly, her voice like honey.

Loki nods his head eagerly and confesses, “Sure, though the most important thing is to find appearances and names that you are comfortable with and connect to, especially if you’ll be using them for an unknown time. For instance, though I picked the name Sally and later the mortal last name Jackson on a whim, I connect with the name, and Sally is who I am when I’m female. Though I did recently add the middle name Sylvie, since she was the first name I chose when I was younger, and I still wanted her to be part of my name.”

Loki looks away, embarrassed and still a little scared.

But Amphitrite grabs Loki’s hand and smiles, “That sounds lovely dear, and I would love to see her sometime.”

Loki smiles back, ‘see her’, not ‘meet her’. Amphitrite distinguished that Loki was still the same person as Sally, but just female.

“Alright! We’ll have to talk some more later. It’s getting quite late, and I’m sure Loki wants to go to sleep in his own bed.” Poseidon states.

And wow, Loki is feeling quite tired now that he thinks about it, and nods in agreement.

Before they turn to leave, Amphitrite grabs Loki’s hand and asks, “Can I hug you?”

Loki looks bewildered, “Yes, but why?”

Amphitrite gently hugs Loki, her large mer body dwarfing Loki’s small frame, but it felt so nice and comforting.

“I just thought you needed one.” Amphitrite answers.

“Thanks.” Loki whispers to her.

“Goodbye Amphitrite and Triton, it was wonderful meeting you too, and we’ll meet again sometime soon.” Loki waves to his new friends? Family? Family, Loki decides.

“Goodbye my Βασίλισσα (“Queen”), and πολύτιμος γιος (“precious son”), I’ll see you again soon.” Poseidon tells his family.

“Goodbye father, and goodbye Loki.” Triton says, his face, bright gold in embarrassment.

“Goodbye my love, and make sure to keep Loki safe.” Amphitrite warns. “And see you soon υπέροχο σμαράγδι (“lovely emerald”).” Amphitrite whispers just to Loki.

Loki's face heats up bright red, and Amphitrite just grins sharply back.

Then, Loki grabs Poseidon’s hand, and he flashes them into Loki’s cabin.

Loki smiles, glad to be around back home. Home, huh, that feels right. And not too long afterward makes his way to bed, and drags Poseidon along and whispers in his ear, “Thank you for everything.”

“Of course my love.” Poseidon whispers back, just before the curtains of night fall upon Loki and he falls asleep.

Notes:

And that's the end of chapter 2! Hope you all enjoyed this fic and crossover. The rest will be posted on ao3 eventually.

Also, some things will be changed and edited before I post to ao3, so if you do eventually read it on there, please keep that in mind.

One such change I already made is that Percy will only be partially aware of his Norse heritage at first, not that Sally/Loki is a god.

First - Previous - Next Chapter

[betterthanburrow]

The Bengals’ Photographer - Instagram AU

(Bengals Quarterback! Joe Burrow x Photographer! OC)

liked by joeyb_9, and 100,890 more users

Bengals: Locker Room Shenanigans! #AFCNorthChampions 🔥🏆

(photography credits: @.yourinstagram)

view all 41,948 comments

NFL: #WHODEYNATION

username1: the new photographer that the Bengals hired for this season has never disappointed us!

username2: this photo should be framed in a museum!

yourinstagram: 🧡🧡🧡

liked by joeyb_9, yoursister, and 303,199 more users

yourinstagram: AFC North Champions 🧡🏆

view all 99,101 comments

sam_hubbard: the best photographer in the business!

↳ yourinstagram: i’m putting that on my résumé!

Bengals: #WHODEYNATION FOREVER!

lahjay10_: 🔥 (please text me all the photos you took that have me in them!)

↳ yourinstagram: i just texted all the pictures in a groupchat between you and Joey… i’m too impatient and lazy to text everyone individually.

joeyb_9: where was i when this photo was taken?!

↳ yourinstagram: aww… Joey’s upset that he wasn’t apart of 1 of the group photos, don’t worry i took plenty of photos where you are the center of attention ☺️

liked by: joeyb_9, and 89,101 more users

Bengals: the photographer for the Bengals, thank you for all the hard work that you’ve done this season @.yourinstagram

view all 22,978 comments

yourinstagram: WHOA?! i get my own promotional post from the Bengals, this wasn’t in my contract!

username1: the photographer for the Bengals is HOT!

username2: the photographer better not be leaving after this football season is over… we need her photography skills for every season.

↳ username3: if she leaves to go do photography for another NFL football team… i’ll throw up on the street.

yourinstagram: this was the best experience of my life, thank you so much for the opportunity of a lifetime 🧡

liked by the sam_hubbard, and 790,181 more users

joeyb_9: AFC NORTH CHAMPS 🏆

(picture credits: @.yourinstagram)

view all 300,757 comment

Bengals: 🔥the best duo🔥

yourinstagram: the best quarterback and the best defensive end in the business 🧡

↳ joeyb_9: say it louder baby!

sam_hubbard: BACK TO BACK AFC NORTH CHAMPS!

liked by joeyb_9, and 110,569 more users

lahjay10_: the best team on the planet! 🏈🖤

(pc: @.yourinstagram)

view all 55,897 comments

teehiggens: shout it from the rooftops!

Bengals: 🔥🔥🔥

joeyb_9: once again i am asking… WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS PHOTO WAS BEING TAKEN?!

↳ yourinstagram: you’re missing from less than 10 photos out of the 150 photos that i took… calm down.

liked by 90,755 users

J_BURROWUPDATES: Joe Burrow Instagram Stories.

view all 28,190 comments

username1: do we think the quarterback and the Bengal’s photographer are dating?!

↳ username2: is it normal for people who are living in Ohio to call someone they’re not dating baby?!

↳ username1: i don’t think it’s an Ohio thing… but people from Ohio can be kinda strange sometimes 😵‍💫

username3: i can’t believe tonight is the first time a majority of Bengals fans are seeing photos of the Bengal’s photographer for the season

↳ username4: it’s not that surprising that this is the first time a lot of us are seeing her… i just stalked her IG page and her last time she posted pictures of herself was many months ago.

liked by: joeyb_9, and 290,101 more users

yourinstagram: listening to the Backyardigans after a very long day at the Bengals football game >

view all 104,792 comments

sam_hubbard: for someone who is a photographer, you really don’t like taking photos of yourself… it’s been a minute since your face has been on the insta-feed.

↳ lahjay10_: you’re stalking her account Sam?! 🤣

↳ yourinstagram: there’s a reason why i’m a photographer and not a selfiegrapher.

yoursister: thank you for posting yourself on your instagram feed… i was tired of seeing football players.

joeyb_9: is this Y/N i see on instagram… what a pleasant surprise, it must be a special occasion!

↳ yourinstagram: the special occasion is the Bengals instagram account posting a photo of me and all football fans finding out that i’m a hot photographer!

Author’s Note:

do we consider this a Joe Burrow Instagram AU or a NFL Bengals Football Team Instagram AU?!

if you have any requests for an Instagram AU, please send the requests in my Inbox and i’ll try to get the Instagram AU published as soon as i can because these Instagram AUs are so fun to write!

thank you all for the love and support 🤍

[lady0ctavia]

As We Ponder Belief

(2p!Prussia x Reader) - Chapter 30

Note: This story is based vaguely during the mid 1200s in Eastern Europe where the Teutonic Knights fought the Northern Crusades to try and convert the native pagan population to Christianity. As a result, this story will have heavy religious themes all throughout. It should also be noted that, while referencing real-life events and locations, I am not striving for full historical accuracy. This is for the sake of the story I am telling.

Once again, this series will have heavy religious themes throughout, including discussions of bible stories, doctrine, and scripture verses, as well as critical analysis of Christian doctrine and beliefs. So, if you don't like that, you will want to skip out on this.

Still no answer. How long have I been praying?

(y/n) sat back in defeat, gazing up at the chapels ceiling. The curved beams stretched from the ground upward before crisscrossing up above. Side windows allowed light to cascade down into the room, heavenly rays of light illuminating the space. So much so that she could see little specks of dust float by here.

After her chat with Gilbert, she paced around the fortress, unsure of what to do. She eventually decided to retreat to the chapel and pray, hoping to figure things out. Or at the very least, obtain some kind of comfort. But no matter how much she prayed, answers seemed to forever be out of reach. And the anxiety in her chest refused to subside.

"God, I know you are there. Why will you not answer me?" (y/n) whispered to the heavens, tired and at her wits end. What do I do? Do I follow and do as Captain Nikolaus and Gilbert say? Do I tell Gillen how I feel? Do I even have the strength to go through with either option? Are there any other options I have neglected to realize?

(y/n) understood that time was running out. She felt as if she were standing in the gallows, with a noose tied loosely around her neck. A noose that was slowly beginning to tighten with every passing minute. Closing her eyes, she hoped to find some kind of solace in the silence of the chapel. She would have accidentally fallen asleep had it not been for a sweet, kindly voice from behind startling her.

"Are you having a hard time?" Albrecht asked from a pew behind (y/n). After she jumped, he waved a hand in the air before apologizing. "Oh, sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it," She mumbled, her mind clearly occupied by something else. Observing her semi-mournful state, Albrecht leaned forward, crossing his arms on the back of the pew before him, right beside her.

"Is something on your mind?" The young ward pressed.

"Always," (y/n) droned. "By the way, how's your shoulder doing?"

"It's doing well, all thanks to your help," He smiled warmly, sunlight bouncing off of his curly brown hair, giving the appearance of little gold spirals woven into the locks. "Say, are you feeling well?"

"Yes... Well, no. Not exactly," She tried to lie, but she couldn't. Not to that adorable, freckled face. A face that furrowed its brow in concern.

"Would talking about it make you feel better?"

"I suppose."

Albrecht responded by getting up from his seat and moving to sit beside her on the pew, the bench only creaking slightly underneath him. Quietly, he sat in attention, showing he was open to hear anything she had to say.

"Albrecht, have you ever felt like God isn't answering your prayers?"

He paused, looking to the side before answering. "Sometimes, yes."

"What do you make of that? When you ask God questions, and He doesn't answer?"

"Well, that's the funny thing about prayer, and about God," He leaned back in his seat, gazing upward as he spoke of Him. "My mother and father both had different points of view on the subject. My mother would tell me that God answers prayers in all kinds of different ways. For some people, they hear a voice in their heads. For others, He may send a sign, either in the material world or in a dream. And sometimes, He just doesn't answer them because it is not part of His plan. In short, look for signs of God's hand around you."

(y/n) nodded along with Albrecht's explanation. "I can understand that. I remember my father certainly believed that to be the case. What of your father?"

"My father had a more simplistic, albeit straightforward opinion on the subject. As far as he was concerned, if you felt you weren't receiving an answer to your prayer, it meant that God was trusting you to make your own decision. As if to say, 'Both options are good, so just pick one and work your way from there.'"

(y/n) was momentarily stunned, impressed by Albrecht's words. "I must say, I have never thought about it that way before. I never thought about the possibility of God simply telling someone to make up their mind."

Albrecht chuckled. "My father said that probably happens more often than we think. But I admit, it can be frustrating. Usually, when we go to God with a question, we're asking Him to tell us what to do. Not to be told to figure it out."

"Indeed. I suppose this is the Lord's way of trying to help us build some character," (y/n) laughed bitterly, but accepting of the answer Albrecht helped clarify. The two individuals took a moment to sit in silence, allowing the rays of sun to wash over them. Turning to the boy beside her, (y/n) smiled. "Albrecht?"

"Hm?" He turned to look at her, dark brown eyes shining.

"Thank you for being my friend. I am going to miss you."

"And I'll miss you, Miss (l/n)," He gave a sheepish grin. "I take it you're leaving soon."

"I am," She affirmed sadly, but made an effort to maintain her smile, refusing to bring melancholy into the conversation. But the effort appeared to be for naught when she saw Albrecht's grin falter for a moment.

"Well, then I will make it a point to be there at the gate. The last thing you will see is me waving goodbye!"

The two shared a brief spell of laughter before quieting down. After they did so, the two made their way out of the chapel for dinner. Upon exiting the hall of worship, however, (y/n) decided to bid Albrecht farewell and retire early for the night. He responded with a bow, before wishing her farewell in return.

Once she made it to her guest bedroom and opened the door, she had to stop. Her eyes danced around the room, taking in every last detail. The bed she slept in, and the window above where the light would shine in each morning. The curved ceiling descended to walls made of carved wood on the bottom half, with the opposing upper half a warm beige. Smooth planks of wood made up the floor, allowing one to walk around in bare feet without fear of getting splinters. And on the other side of the room, just across from her bed, sat two identical chairs, whereon one lay a nightgown.

Quietly, almost reverently, (y/n) moved across the room to sit upon her bed. Staring at the chairs before her, the memories of the past few months rotated through her mind.

This is the room I woke up in the day after my village was destroyed. After I lost my father. The room where I met Gillen and Gilbert. We would sit here and eat breakfast together each morning for several weeks. All before being treated by Gillen each day.

She felt her face burn when she thought of how he treated her wounds back then. Him having to gently press his fingers against her bare skin as he treated the stab wound on her abdomen. The talks they had, how they butted heads, how they drifted between acquaintances and becoming friends before she ultimately became his apprentice.

And now it's all coming to an end. My time here at the fortress. Spending time with Gilbert and Albrecht. Learning about medicine alongside Gillen... I likely won't see him every again now, will I?

Letting out a deep breath, (y/n) laid down on the bed and turned to her side, gazing at the chairs before her.

Regardless of what choice I make, whether I tell Gillen how I feel or not, one thing is for sure; tomorrow morning, I am leaving Malbork Fortress. And that's all there is to it. Come to think of it, did I really, truly ever have a choice in the first place? Or was I just tricking myself into thinking I did?

As she sunk into her thoughts, she felt her eyes getting heavy. As sleep ironically evaded her, a few, final thoughts trudged across her weary mind.

Perhaps I shouldn't tell Gillen I love him. It would make my departure all the more painful. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to bear it.

Gillen paced around the infirmary that evening, awaiting the dark of night. His mind was spinning, and his heart quaking. But regardless of how he felt, he knew what he had to do. Tonight would be his final and only chance. He couldn't waste it. When he looked out the window and saw the half-moon raise high above the heavens, he stopped. It was time.

After getting completely dressed in his uniform and throwing on his cloak and hood, he made his way for the door, moving as silently as he could through the empty halls.

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

Guysssss It's gonna get gooooooooooooooood! As always, let me know your thoughts!

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[bluenightcomedies]

uuuugh i keep procrastinating cuz i wanna make new refs n' arts n' all for us all but art slow so fuggit placeholder pinned abt the system better pinned with comm details, other accs, etc later :3 will reopen for commissions once arty verifies me! as a whole we're legally deaf and disabled! we can all draw but have diff styles/preferences :3 body is 30 (eugh i don't like admitting that) so am adult BUT we don't wanna be involved in nsfw art so pls respect that⭐ We can't get a formal diagnosis due to various real life issues, so we're not going to claim any particular diagnosis, but we can't exactly ignore the symptoms and stay masked forever. We're going to stay out of syscourse as much as possible, of course. 🌙 each alter has an assigned emoji so ppl can tell us apart easier if needed, use em as our tags too (when we remember) note- using they/them for any of us fine too!⭐

(doesn't include alters that rarely or never front) ⭐star emoji = Blue! she/her pls~ guess i'm the honorary host cuz i front most. uhhh... nothing rly too fancy i can say abt myself, i'm p affectionate and love y2k art and hanging out, i try to be as nice as i can >w< my art's usually sketchbooky, with thin lines and soft colors/shading!

💠this blue gem/flower emoji is Azure! she/her, she's kinda new to the system. looks n' acts a lot like me but uh... more childish i guess? very silly, very 'cringe culture is dead'. loves to rp, say silly things, n' cling to people. hyperfixates on Dot Hack (RIP) her art looks like mspaint x3 🌙 (Writing for myself since I'm available.) The name's Lune, hence moon emoji, and I use she/her pronouns as well. Formerly "Starry" but people kept confusing me with Blue due to her star symbolism. Used to be the designated mask, I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore... Sometimes I re-mask out of habit so if something sounds like me but wasn't marked as an alter, it probably is me. I have a flat tone and chronic paranoid anxiety so uh... Let me know if I come across as rude, I usually don't mean to. I enjoy doing research and organizing information, so I'm often the one to fact-check things or find guides and how-to's for the system. My art's very bold and colorful, and friends describe it as 'angular'. Clashes with my personality, huh? 🗝️key emoji = Sylverwynd! he uses he/him! he's super laid back and chill, i've never seen him upset or anything, but he's rly long-winded talks... kinda poet-y? he loves reading and talking abt lore and myths so he'll pop in if ur talking abt something he likes or if he has trivia 2 share! fave genres r horror n' fantasy he's still experimenting w/ style but likes drawing rly soft

❌cross emoji= Laceburner! it/its or they/them pronouns! tbh i'm not used to it/its pronouns but Lace wanted em; it's very uh... emotionally empty i guess? aroace, agender, can't socialize or empathize v well. it usually fronts when the rest of us are tired or in pain cuz it just ignores all that. likes 2000's scenemo aesthetics though which is surprising but ye idk how to describe its style, but it's trying to mimic emo art n' likes bright colored lines with dark bg/colors 🗡️the dagger is Kal! he/him pronouns, he gets angry and stressed abt things really easy but he gets too hostile abt it so he tries to not front too much; need to find him a way to de-stress n' chill out... when he's not mad at smth he's a good sympathetic listener imo, still swears and talks all rough tho hasn't drawn much yet but does rly harsh lines and fast/messy sketches when he does (and gets riled up by mistakes =w=;)

❤️heart is Weiss! genderfluid, goes by any pronouns, usually uses whatever they like at the time x3 has a hard time fronting but tries to. flirty, loves dumb jokes, overly confident... (we worry they'd get us in trouble sometimes cuz the shit they want to say) loves demon and monster-related stuff! still experimental style but uses bold colors and thick rough lines a lot, may get suggestive (forbidden from outright nsfw, don't ask >:c) btw ur always welcome to direct asks @ someone specific >w< we just might take a while to respond

[fallen-faerie]

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

I'd like something with Alois, but I'm not sure what?! So I'm letting you choose (just make it fluffy, pls)!

aaaaaaa the world definitely needs more Alois fluff~

The night is usually quiet within the walls of the Trancy Estate. You and ALOIS sleep soundly in the master bedroom, and the servants take care not to disturb either of you unless it’s important.

It’s never a surprise that your lover is affectionate with you. He loves being able to touch, hug, kiss, just lie there and let his hands wander wherever they feel like wandering. Tonight, though, he goes a step further; as soon as you lie down next to him, his arms are around you. He nestles his face against your neck and breathes in your scent like it’s the last memory he’ll ever have.

“Well, hello, beautiful,” you hum in amusement. You run a gentle hand through his hair, stopping with your fingers curled at the base of his neck. “Are you thinking hard about something?”

He nods with his face still against you, though it feels like he’s relaxed a bit. No longer as desperate as he was when he first grabbed at you. “Yes. I’m thinking about how much I love you. And how happy I am that I found you before someone else did.”

You chuckle, and your other hand comes down to rest on his back. His muscles relax under your touch, his whole self cuddling in at the reminder that he’s safe with you. “I think even if someone else found me first, you’d have found a way to steal me. You’re good like that. And I love you, too.”

“Mmmh. You smell so good.” His breathing is even, delicate. The rest of the world is so quiet, anything too loud or harsh could break this moment into a million pieces. His fingers, balled into half-fists, stroke up and down your spine. “(Name)… this isn’t going to end, is it? It’s not some kind of dream?”

Your head tilts despite knowing he can’t see it. “What’s not? Our life?”

“Mhm. You see, sometimes… sometimes I’m afraid that’s all it is. A dream that my mind’s made up to make myself feel less lonely.”

“Hm. Well, I think I would know if I were a dream, darling. I feel very real.”

He chuckles and it’s a warm puff of air that makes you shiver a little. “Good.”

Another few minutes pass. It’s dark outside, you know, even with the curtains drawn. Alois is usually fast asleep by now, snoring thirty seconds after he drops down into your arms. You have to wonder what’s keeping him awake tonight.

Finally, he murmurs against your skin, “… Do you promise you’ll love me forever? No matter what?”

“Forever? That’s a long time,” you tease, scratching lightly at his scalp. “Do you mean until we die, or even after that?”

He lets out a small noise of thought before deciding. “No, after that. Do you promise that even when we’re dead, you’re still going to love me? When we’re just souls without bodies… will you find me and stay with me? Will you choose me even then?”

The way he speaks, you think he wants to believe the answer you’ll give will be a yes… but that he’s tensing himself up, braced for a no. You know there is something inside him, something that aches heavy in his chest, that thinks you’ll eventually get tired of him. That thinks at some point, you’ll stop seeing him as worthy of your love.

You comb his hair back, and kiss the top of his head. “I suppose so. If we’re just souls after that, it might take me a while to find you, but I’ll do it.”

“You will?” His grip suddenly tightens. “But… but what about… it’s ‘till death do us part’, isn’t it?”

You tug the covers up over the two of you. “It’s precious that you think death is going to stop me from loving you, Alois. You should really be more concerned with what happens if I die first. Because if I do, I’ll haunt you every day until you join me.”

He lets out something that sounds like a cross between a laugh and a sob, then presses himself against you even more. “… Fine, then. If I die first, I’ll haunt you, too.”

“Oh, dear, it seems I’ll never be rid of you,” you chuckle. You offer another kiss, this time to his forehead as he peeks up just a little at you.

Ah, that smile he gives is wicked. “Just as planned.”

[thewriterwhowritesnot]

Alucard Music Headcannons - Mitski

A/N: Trying to get back into my being in love with Alucard Groove, folks. Don't mind me ;).

I am a firm believer that Alucard would be a slut for Mitski's music. Here's a list of songs I feel he'd love and why:

Francis Forever - I feel like this song would speak to him in so many different ways. It reminds him of how young he feels in life and love no matter how old he gets. His feelings of loneliness and isolation from the living and the dead.

Crack Baby - It's the slow progression of the song. To him, it feels like descending into the thoughts he often does his best to ignore in his daily life. The thoughts of how unfulfilled he feels sometimes. The constant longing for more, for something that he can't always possess. He often doesn't know what he wants but he knows that he had it once and he knows that he wants it back.

I Bet On Losing Dogs - This song reminds him of how he feels as if he's in a hopeless cycle of giving his energy to things that will inevitably fall apart by his hand or the hands of another. He's tired and exhausted with pain, being wrong, and being let down but, he can never get himself to stop trying or to stop seeking. It's bittersweet but he keeps drinking from the cup because, without his humanity and his desire for love, he'll have no reason to continue on.

Once More To See You - This song reminds him of where he's been and who he's known and who he's loved. The secrecy of new love and the sweetness of intimacy. It reminds him of innocence in love and the desire for closeness.

Your Best American Girl - It's the REGRET, my dudes. The suffocating feeling of knowing there are so many ways he feels robbed by life and by the greed and pride of others and the mistakes he's made. This song encapsulates his feelings of wishing things were different and how maybe in love he wishes he could come with less baggage.

Pink In The Night - Let's be real...Alucard is a very intense man and when he falls for someone he falls HARD. So hard that they infiltrate all parts of his mind. This song expresses the feelings he gets when he loves someone and how it resonates in his bones. Overcome with emotion and the drug of love.

Washing Machine Heart - Reminds him of how often he's felt like the odd one out and how in his experience it was rare that he felt chosen in love. Meaning, he's so multifaceted and in relationships, there have been imbalances that have led him to feel unwanted or simply misunderstood and rejected in that. He's a soft-hearted strong individual and this affects him deeply

Two Slow Dancers - This definitely speaks to him in regard to his feelings about time and how it passes. He's immortal and the knowledge of that weighs on him in happy times (and sad ones) because of the knowing that there are many he will have to say goodbye to as he goes on. Many memories will remain longer than the people who were a part of them. This song represents his grief, his love, and his hatred of time and memory.

[sinkingnotsoslowly]

yuan fen

Pairing: (f) Reader x Seungmin

Non idol au, slight soulmate au

Warnings: fire, death, one or two curses, little angst

DO NOT STEAL MY WORK. REBLOGS AND FEEDBACKS ARE APPRECIATED

moodboard I || moodboard II

masterlist

Autumn's sighs- little soft thoughts about our favourite boys

(n.) a relationship by fate or destiny; the binding force between two people

It was a very faint memory. So faint that one might think of it as a dream. But Seungmin knew it was a memory indeed. A grand palace, a huge pond in seclusion of the tall trees, and a girl- no a lady. A lady so beautiful Seungmin was tempted to believe she was a dream.

Seungmin had one word to describe his life, lifeless. Every day he woke up tired, had whatever was in the fridge and went to work. By the time he came home, he looked like a zombie. He was just trying to survive. The only thing he looked forward to was sleeping. He knew he would see her once he fell asleep. Eyes looking at him with pure love and a smile so dazzling it blinded him. But he could never recall the face of this lady after he woke up no matter how hard he thought about it. Seungmin could only wish to meet her in this life.

It was very odd how he just knew it was a memory of a previous life. Well, he was very confused when the dreams started three months ago, but something about it just felt right. For once he felt like he was in the right place, right where he belonged. He never thought of believing things about fate, soulmates and whatnot. But if his soulmate did exist, he knew it was the lady of his dreams.

It was mostly different dreams. Sometimes the lady was not there at all. But it was always the same setting. It was some time in ancient Korea. He often found himself by the pond, writing something that he couldn’t make out. Sometimes he was in a luxurious room, accompanied by a few maids, giggling as they watched him blush at something they said. Even though the visions were not clear, he felt every single emotion. A sense of admiration towards someone possibly his father whom Seungmin had seen in his dreams once or twice. The joy of friendship when he laughed along with the maids and pages. And immeasurable love when looking at that lady who smiled so sweetly at him. Seungmin wondered how anyone could hold such sweetness in their eyes. He would forever be grateful to ever have been on the receiving end. He always woke up feeling nostalgic and mournful as if he had lost everything he held dear.

❀ . * . *

“How has my Minnie been today?” a very loud voice of the Han Jisung came in ruining Seungmin’s attempt at focusing on his novel. He sighed, “If my father were to hear you talk in that manner, you’d sure be thrown out of here”. It was very daring of Han Jisung the page to talk to Seungmin so informally. His father had brought in Han when he was about fifteen. A good company for home-schooled Seungmin was what he said. And some company he was. After the initial shyness, Han got very comfortable with Seungmin. He learned all he had to do from the older pages. And when he had nothing but time on his hands, he accompanied Seungmin. And he would swear that not a minute went by when Han was not talking his ears off. But Han was the only one he knew of his age and so he found a friend in him. At least that was what Seungmin would say. But it was Han’s qualities that impressed him. Hard-working, kind, very friendly and a very good listener which was surprising to Seungmin since he only saw him talk. These qualities of his were revealed as the years went by and before he knew Han had built a comfortable place for himself in Seungmin’s heart. You would never catch him saying this but everyone in the palace knew how fond Seungmin was of him.

Ignoring Seungmin’s chastising, Han sprawled across from him with a mischievous look on his face, “So, you have been certainly busy milord”. Seungmin did not have to look up from his book to know that he was being mocked, “You know the last thing I am is busy these days my dear Hannie”.

“I beg to differ for I know that a certain lady friend has been keeping you busy”, he grinned as if he had finally managed to outwit Seungmin. Of course, it was about the ‘lady friend’, Seungmin was waiting for him to bring her up. He knew Han has been spying on him for a few days now. The ‘lady friend’ in question was the esteemed daughter of a noble from the inner circle of the King. Seungmin’s father being part of the council had introduced them to each other with eventual marriage in mind. It was obvious that the attraction was mutual so they kept meeting each other by this beautiful pond she knew of. Seungmin was sure that both of their fathers had gotten wind of this. It was only a matter of time before he had to ask for her hand in marriage.

❀ . * . *

“Guess who got tickets to Garage Junk’s concert?” a sing-song whisper brought back Seungmin from his daydreams. Jeongin, his colleague was leaning all the way over to his desk with a childlike smile on his face. How he managed to be so cheerful in the zombie corporation would forever be a mystery. “Oh I don’t know Yang let me guess, you?” Seungmin humoured. “Oh my god how’d you know are you a mind-reader?” a look from Seungmin shut him up. “You’re no fun. Anyways, so I’ve got two passes from this bet that I won and the passes allow two people each so I wanted to invite you-” “No”

Jeongin pouted, “What, why? I promise you’ll have fun”

“It’s not my thing Jeongin ask someone else”

“Why are you being so mean to the hubae, I’ll snitch on you about that coffee spill to Lee Know hyung if you don’t come with me”

“What coffee spill?” and there’s the devil himself, Lee Know, the team leader who has been making Seungmin’s life a living hell since he transferred here four months ago. He seemed to have a personal vendetta against him for some reason because all Seungmin has been doing for the past few weeks was staying overtime. And it was all Lee Know’s fault. But no one would believe it because apparently “Lee know is an angel in disguise he could never do that”, angel his ass. All those fuck ups and Seungmin had to be the one to clean up all the mess. Lee Know lost his oh-so-important work diary, “Seungmin can you please help me find it?”, his assistant fucked up some calls with clients, “Seungmin help”, Yang Jeongin the newbie needs to be shown around, “Seungmin show him the ropes around here”.

“Maybe he just trusts you more than anyone else”, Jeongin suggested one day after Seungmin’s weekly rambling sessions about Lee Know being an ass. Seungmin was quick to shut down that idea. He did ask Jeongin why he was so fond of him though, “He just reminds me of my hyung back home. And he is so inclusive, he even told me I can call him hyung, youngest privileges I guess”.

“It’s nothing sir, I was just telling Jeongin about how I really want to go to this concert with him”

“Ah, the one you were talking about Jeongin? And I think I’ve been telling you this since I came here Seungmin be casual with me, please. It already feels like a funeral in here the least we could do is be comfortable with each other”, Lee Know said while giving Seungmin’s back a pat.

It seemed like Seungmin had to go to this concert, now that he had lied about it. Maybe for once, he would have a good time.

❀ . * . *

“What are you writing about?” Seungmin looked up from the littering pages to find the owner of the honey voice. “About two lovers finding each other in every universe”, he said looking at her with awe as if he were seeing her for the first time.

“Why do you always look at me like that?”, she let out a shy giggle.

“Because you are art, and art needs to be awed at”.

It was always like this between them. Seungmin, the charmer who never lets an opportunity go to waste. Not that the lady needed to be charmed anymore but he couldn’t help it. She always looked so sweet when he made her blush.

It was after a lot of asking for permission and making arrangements was she allowed to visit him at his palace. They weren’t to be left alone before the marriage, of course, so Han Jisung was diligently sitting in a corner with a Cheshire grin. It was laughable how the elders were pretending to not know that the two lovers were sneaking out to be alone with each other. If the marriage was not arranged by them, then by now chaos would have ensued because of ‘illicit meetings’. Even though this meeting arrangement was almost a formal declaration of engagement, Seungmin did not bother to arrange his space. He was at a very crucial point in his novel, the lovers were on the brink of coming together in this universe which would conclude the end of the novel, and cleaning all the loose pages now meant losing track of everything, so he let it be. He was sure she would not mind a little bit of clutter. After all, she knew how much passion he was putting into this story.

❀ . * . *

The concert hall was five stops away from Seungmin’s place which made him debate about going even when he was putting his shoes on. At this point, the only thing that made him go was that he did not want to deal with an uncooperative Jeongin on Monday. Not to his surprise, Lee Know was waiting by the entrance with Jeongin and some other guy. Obviously, Jeongin had given the other pass to the team leader. He might as well get himself adopted by Lee Know. But Seungmin understood that Jeongin was very pure-hearted. He had a way of bringing people closer. He was young with a different and fresh outlook on society and never let anyone change his optimistic way of perceiving things. Even if it was annoying to Seungmin, he hoped that Jeongin would remain like this forever.

“Hyung you’re finally here, we have been waiting for you for so long”, Jeongin whined as he saw Seungmin approaching.

“What are you talking about I’m not late you guys are just early. Concert starts at 6 and it’s just 5:20 now”, Seungmin said as he checked his phone to look at the time.

“Okay okay, Seungmin meet Felix, my brother. Felix this is Seungmin from work”, Lee Know introduced the other guy who has been silently snickering at their exchange. Seungmin gave him a nod to which Felix smiled so brightly that Seungmin was blinded.

The concert hall was jam-packed and Seungmin felt suffocated. Was it really going to be worth it? And they were seated so far away that they could barely see the stage. He thought that the crowd was loud enough but he was clearly wrong. Nothing could have prepared him for the outburst of energy in the hall when the band members came on stage. They must be some good musicians for this hype, Seungmin thought. He looked to his side to see Jeongin looking at the stage with fascination. He wasn’t sure what Jeongin was staring at because they couldn’t even make out the faces of the performers properly from this far. Some cheap passes they were.

Not even halfway through the concert, Seungmin understood why there was so much hype. Garage Junk was phenomenal. Their music resonated with his soul. All of them were amazing performers. But by the end of the concert, everyone there knew that it was the guitarist’s day. He took it away with his solo and his energy. And Seungmin could say that after a very long time, he had fun. He was still having an adrenaline rush when Jeongin said that there would be a high-five event after. Seungmin surprised himself by accepting to stay. The ones staying for the event were made to walk in a line and pass by the band members who were standing behind a barricade with outstretched hands and big smiles. They too were still running on adrenaline, excited to interact with the fans. Seungmin thought it was silly, he was not even a fan yet. He only listened to their music for the first time today. But he had no way out anymore so he went along with Jeongin and Felix. Lee Know had left first thing saying he had no interest in this. He would be waiting for his brother outside the hall.

The event itself was not very time taking for an individual. They just ran along and high-fived all the members and they were done. So it did not take long before it was Seungmin’s turn. Well if anything he would at least be able to see the faces of the members clearly. He guessed it went in this order- vocalist, guitarist, bassist, pianist and then he stopped. Seungmin couldn’t move as he stared at the pianist. His hand was still touching hers. Her face mirrored Seungmin’s in surprise. And the world seemed to stop as they stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. And then she said something, so softly that Seungmin wasn’t sure if he heard her right. “I found you”.

❀ . * . *

No one had predicted an attack at such a time when the state was finally at peace. But when did anyone ever expect misfortune. It was not people from outside the borders, but conspirators from within the state. They targeted the houses of the council members. It might be with inside help that they could enter past the guards. They did not have to get far inside to set everything on fire. And they did not stop with the houses of the council members, they set fire to the houses of the people who supported the king which was majority. Within minutes almost the whole capital was burning down.

Seungmin’s father was unfortunately a member of the council. Times like these were when he wished he was not involved in anything, times when his family was put in danger. Seungmin and his lover were deep in the inner chambers. Han had gone to fetch two glasses of water for them and he was yet to come back when the fire started. Seungmin was thankful that at least he was out of there, possibly out of danger. He was stupid enough to come to look for them but the guards would stop him he knew.

It was a terrible sight, as far as one could see everything was on fire. Seungmin was trying to navigate them out through the fire and fumes. But no matter which direction they went every way was blocked. Left. Right. Through the kitchen. Across the garden. All along grasping her hand tightly. Seungmin was frantically looking for a way, he would save her, he had to. He couldn’t think clearly, his lungs were burning from smoke. He looked back when he felt her stop. “What is it? Why did you stop?”, he looked at her concerningly. She had a resigned look on her face, “It’s pointless, my love”.

“What? What are you talking-” “You know I’m right Seungmin. We’ve been going around in circles. There’s no way out left”.

Seungmin knew, the thought had come to the back of his head when they had tried going around the baths for the second time. But he was so desperate that he couldn’t accept it. The only thing going through his mind was getting her to safety.

“Give up my love”, she stepped closer and cradled his face in her hands.

“N-no it cannot be. There has to be a way-”, she kissed him. Soft lips enveloped his in an embrace while the fire drew closer. Seungmin’s delirious brain calmed down at her touch. At least they were together, he thought. “At least we die together”, she gave a teary smile. He did not want to know if the tears were from emotions or from the smoke. Seungmin brought her in his arms in a tight hold for the last time in this life, “I will find you, my love, I will always come for you”. The heat was increasing into searing pain. But she was smiling nonetheless, “I will wait for you”.

❀ . * . *

“I found you”

The world started moving again. Securities came barging to rush Seungmin along. But he wasn’t looking anywhere, he was entranced by her. He did not notice any of the pushing or the firm instructions to move along. He only snapped out of it when she jumped over the barricade to stop him from being dragged away. “No, no stop please I know him, let him go”, Seungmin heard the panic in her voice. He caught a glance of Felix and Jeongin at the side, confusion latched on their faces.

It was all so hazy. Even though Seungmin saw everything that was happening around him, he could not seem to comprehend anything. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. He was just watching everything happen to his physical form. He could only register that he was being dragged away somewhere by the pianist, her hand strongly grasping his as if he would fade away if she didn’t. Away from all the shocked and confused stares she brought him to the changing room, still holding his hand tightly. They stood there looking at each other longingly. No words were exchanged for a minute, just relishing in each other’s presence.

“I’ve been waiting for you, I knew you would come for me”, she spoke up first.

Seungmin stepped closer raising a hand to stroke her face, hesitatingly. He was not sure if she was real, “You are the lady from my dreams” he let out a laugh in disbelief.

He had been looking for her discreetly, everywhere he went. From the moment he stepped out of his house, on the train, scanning everyone’s face on the sidewalk, the convenience store he went to, everywhere, always, he had been keeping a lookout for her. But for some reason, he was not looking for her at this concert, so ironic. Seungmin felt his phone vibrate, Jeongin was probably bombing it with messages. He had half a heart to let him know that he was fine. But his eyes were fixed on her, unable to do anything else.

“I remembered nothing but those words, that you will find me, I-” a sob escaped her, “I’m so happy that you found me. I don’t even remember your name. I’m sorry I- do you remember anything?”

“Yeah, little things. I’m Seungmin, but you used to call me my love”.

“Seungmin”, she tried out saying it, it felt familiar. “My love”, she said looking directly into his eyes with adoration. A rush of emotions hit them both at that, bringing out fresh tears. But both of them were smiling now. It had been exhausting, living without each other. Now they were finally home.

“You found me, my love”, she wrapped her arms around him.

Seungmin brought her head to his chest, smiling in her hair,

“I found you”.

[mariska]

sad progressive disability ramble under the read more sorry for using this blog as a public health diary again it's just been. A Lot. and i don't currently have the body strength to physically write in my journal with a pen/pencil

been like three days in a row now i think where i have been forcibly woken up because my left leg, specifically my calf and thighs and toes but mostly calf, went into a sudden severe So Painful That You Can't Even Scream About It And Just Kind Of Sob And Groan Involuntarily dystonia attack while i was still asleep and then it just continues lingering as really bad super tight muscle pain for the rest of the day even with the help of multiple prescription meds i have that very slightly help prevent another full-on dystonia attack. im so tired. its been like this for a very large portion of my life but it used to happen like once or twice a year before this year and now i'm getting lucky if it doesn't happen more than once a week. on top of the reproductive organ system pain that has gotten so bad this whole year too that i essentially no longer have any days in a month where i am not experiencing Extreme debilitating pain and cramps and am pretty much just On My Period in some part of the whole cycle thing 24/7.

i am like. im just. im too tired dude. i really think i've reached a point so far beyond any kind of pain threshold limit of what i can deal/live with at this point it's absolutely terrifying. i'm trying so so so hard to "take it one day at a time" but i can't even take it one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time it feels like my body is legitimately completely failing on me. i wish i could remember what it felt like being somewhat less physically disabled when i was a kid thru my tweens and very early teens. that feels like a completely different person and life separated from my present day self now. i used to wake up without a nausea inducing headache sometimes. i can't even imagine what that must have been like.

genuinely sorry to be making bummer posts on here about my health decline, tried to tell myself yrs ago that i should probably not do that cause i truly do not want to make anyone else feel miserable reading my life updates that are very much not positive and filled with health related fear. it's just like. god, ok, im sorry again in advance i don't mean for this to sound at all defeatist or completely pessimistic, but in a purely logical This Is Just What Every Day Of Life Has Been For Me way i feel like i'm running out of time. in general. in life. very specifically because of how fast everything has declined with my health this whole year and the past few months specifically. i keep going to sleep whenever im able to in the middle of the night feeling absolutely terrified that my body will just suddenly fail on me totally while i'm sleeping and i'll just die. i cannot stress enough how much I Do Not Want That To Happen To Me At The Age Of 27 but like. wtf am i supposed to do. about all of this. im already doing the max of whatever i can, i have dr's appointments scheduled as scared as i am about actually going to them for multiple reasons, i have medications prescribed to me that do help a bit with my more muscle and connective tissue related pain problems, im trying so hard to keep it together (mostly for my moms honestly because they love me and care about me way more than i love or care about myself but thats just The Severe Clinical Depression speaking or whatever) but it doesn't matter because my body refuses to try with me anyways. i am. so. tired. i don't think any amount of rest or naps or sleep will ever improve how tired i feel all the time ever again truly. i think its just This Tired And Exhausted And Burned Out Forever Now. i am. indescribably sad.