#late night word vomit

[lackadaisicallizard]

James was the fun one. He was the larger than life one, the one who squirted water on his classmates and ran down the halls laughing when a teacher appeared. He was the one everyone could count on to bring life to a room, bring laughter to a party, and bring food to his friends when they were sad.

James loved as he lived: loudly and boldly and with the whole world watching.

Regulus on the other hand was the quiet one. The moody one. The one that no one could ever tell if he was angry or joking because his humour was just as dry as everything else he said. He was the one that only let a few people into his life, and he would protect those people with absolutely everything he had.

He was the one who would burn the world down for the ones he loved, but would never get let himself get caught doing it.

And yet when they were together, when they were alone, neither of them fell into these roles that they had carved out for themselves; they didn’t play the parts that the world saw.

Because James didn’t need to be the funny or outgoing one, and when he had the days where he couldn’t hold himself up, let alone anyone else, he let himself quietly exist in Regulus’ arms because in those arms he didn’t need to be anyone at all.

On those days he also didn’t need to shout his love for the boy with the misty grey eyes and perfect midnight waves from the rooftops, because the only person that he wanted to see his deep and incredible and all-encompassing love was right there feeling it too.

And although Regulus would burn the world down for his friends and his brother, he would save it for James. Because James loved the world, even when it hurt him, and therefore Regulus loved it too.

How could he not, when James Potter existed in it?

And so they existed together in the loud and the quiet and all of the in between.

And sometimes, when they both needed to, they existed solely in each other, in their own world without explanations or grand gestures, only the quiet, beautiful moments they found in one another.

[partyoffourplusfur]

I’ve slept so much the past few days it’s unreal. Covid hit me like a train. I’ve had it a few times but never like this. Granted my chronic illness/pain/autoimmune shit is way worse now than it was the first times. (Round 1 I lost hearing though so 🙃) but gosh. Husband being the tea mvp and not being a dick about me sleeping. (He was a turd about my day 3 being awful after day two wasn’t so bad. Chronic illness whatmorecanisay) Forced me to get some much needed rest after working tirelessly since getting two jobs. Upset I lost so many days of work. But this week I get 8 hours of overtime so hopefully that makes up for it in some way.

I work the next 7 days so that won’t be great for me to get full recovery. But I don’t have to work at the clinic this week. So that’s good. Then again maybe I should pick up a day or two. After all it’s just 2 hours a day. Meh.

Got most of Christmas shopping done. What I can afford at least. Hoping to still snag a Lego table if Walmart online stops giving me a hard time. Fingers crossed.

I got nothing for my husband. I really only had two ideas in mind. But bleh. Money. Maybe I’ll just get him a bigger bday present this year.

Dental school reached out to me today to ask if I still wanted to enroll. Which means I need to ask parents if they can still help me like they said they would.

I really didn’t think this term would feel right for me. Timeline wise. Everything just felt so stressful. I’d already be graduated by now if I did the last course term. But now I’m at the cafe and I don’t plan on renewing my Rbt cert at the end of jan. So I’d be done with that and can just do cafe and school on saturdays. 🤷‍♀️ I’d be done before the end of March (which is when my lease is up) maybe I’d put us in a better situation to renew our lease or find something better. Internship would be easy peasy to find being that I’m done with cafe at 2 on weekdays. Hmm now that I’ve written all that out, maybe this is a great time for it. I would miss the cafe though. I’m having a lot of fun there and my stress levels have plummeted.

Trying to read more. Maybe that can be my ~resolution~ easy enough

I have a lot of big feelings about leaving aba. I miss my texas client dearly. I was so proud of the work I did with them. I made a difference. Ya know? I feel like I’ve done nothing the past year here. It’s definitely the bcbas. And the therapists. And the clinic in general. I miss inhome therapy. I’m not sure I’ll go back to aba. It’s just not the same. I just miss my baby bird.

If you made it this far..damn I should buy you a snack or something. Thanks this has been Brianna’s midnight word vomit.

Coming back an hour later to state that I can’t fucking sleep and I’m very annoyed by it. Just laying here with my eyes closed and nothin is happening.

Maybe I’ll go get a snack. Put on some YouTube sleep video in the living room. Of course my husbands slept on the couch the whole time we were sick and now that he’s actually in bed with me I can’t sleep and wanna go to the couch 🙃

[mezzy303]

So I've been rereading skip beat from the beginning for the first time in uhhhhh almost 10 years and I'm going inSaNE over characterizations and development that I have to write it down

At this point I'm only at the Heel siblings arc so I haven't gotten to the Guam or Saena arcs which are very big for Kyoko and Ren's character development and healing which I haven't reread since those chapters came out

Can we just take a moment to appreciate Nakamura for basing Kyoko and Ren's childhood struggles and trauma on very real things that aren't often, if at all, dealt with in anime/manga and also writing them with utmost care (Not only do the traumas inform their personalities, but their healing arcs aren't just a one and done thing!! It's a very slow process) Like starting with Kyoko, her single mother neglected her so much that she was raised by a family friend. On top of that, nothing Kyoko did was ever good enough for her mother, and both of these things are so apparent in Kyoko's character. She attaches herself to fairytales and magic as an escapism and because she relates to stories like Cinderella. She literally cannot function if she messes up and no one criticizes her. She can't properly acknowledge her own talents and beauty without it being attached somehow to fairytales; she never quite believes shes good enough. Similarly, she didn't want to bother anyone with her troubles, so she always dealt with them alone/in private spaces. Pretty sure she also has lowkey abandonment issues. And this is all parental trauma!! Things she already has before the series starts and she gets so utterly heartbroken she swears off romantic love entirely so she can never get hurt the same way again.

(I don't think I'll ever get over how Kyoko told all this to Kuu and he was literally like I'm adopting you. Your mine now. Sorry I don't make the rules ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And Kuu going home to his wife like hey we got a new kid 😂 Like Kyoko freezing up when she made mistakes and then Kuu showing her love instead of reprimanding her makes me go 🥹😩💖✨😭💝 Kyoko getting all fluffy from head pats🥹🥹 But on the downside she literally can't bring herself to call him dad unless she's in acting mode sjdfhsf)

When I really consider it, I wonder if Kyoko really loved Sho as a person or like.... the idea of him. Like he was just a convenient guy via proximity bc Kyoko needed someone to be her "prince". We haven't been shown exactly why she fell in love, but it would explain why she stuck with dedicating herself to him despite his terrible personality and knowing he never saw her the same way. It's portrayed like the concept of hatsukoi in anime where its ✨pure✨and innocent✨It seems very idealistic. Whereas Kyoko's love for Ren is more mature. She sees every aspect of Ren and doesn't sugarcoat it, she sees him as he is (she does him up on a pedestal but partially bc she admires him but also as an extreme measure to protect her heart and hide her feelings imo)

And REN. trauma to the max. He had to deal with the hardships of making a name for himself when his parents are already famous, extreme racism from being biracial, his friend/mentor dying from an accident he unintentionally caused???? Like boy hates himself so much he's literally disassociating 24/7 he needs a fucking therapist. I get how being Ren has helped him in some capacity but he needs a professional asap. Though deep diving into this is so interesting because Ren/Kuon compartmentalized his issues and the parts that he hates about himself so much he created its own persona ("Dark Kuon"), to the point he's rarely ever just himself. And he buried it so deep that as soon as he cracked the lid open, those emotions just spilled out. He can't even allow himself to be happy, and when he does feel truly happy, his automatic response is acting nonchalant,,,,,,,,,,,, he didn't even realize he was doing it at first 😢

Also the symbolism with Ren's watch makes me go a little feral. I don't remember if it's originally his or Rick's but it obviously stopped when the latter died and Ren keeps it as a reminder of what happened and why he went to Japan. It's a weird item since it grounds him but also represents his heavy trauma, and I think having those two things in one kinda showcases Ren's unhealthy coping mechanisms (like grounding himself to something traumatic isn't... great...). But that scene where he realizes he took it off and he has a moment of whether it to keep it on as Cain Heel or not??? *clenches fist* it was so good. (To recap it, he had his watch so he wouldn't lose himself in the role of BJ and then forgot it in the bathroom after an unexpected trauma response) Ren narrates his thoughts as choosing between Rick or Kyoko but interpreting this, he's choosing whether to keep himself stuck in his past trauma or move forward and let himself be happy AKA stick with unhealthy coping mechanisms vs try something healthy and rely on people he trusts. Kyoko essentially becomes someone Ren grounds himself to 🥺 He still needs therapy though lmao. He's so mentally unstable in this arc,,,

As I'm writing this I'm seeing a parallel between Kyoko and Ren and how they both had an experience that completely and utterly broke them, and it was this that pushed them onto their current paths in showbiz. And they likely would never have met each other again if those things never happened (they had to lose themselves to find each other?? 😭). It's so funny to me that Ren is all like ThEiR fAtEs ArE iNtErTwInEd with Kyoko and Sho when you have to consider the fact that him and Kyoko meeting again was like. a chance in a billion. It was fate 😂

KyoRen is such a poetic ship to me. The fact that they're different people when they meet and don't recognize the other. How Ren starts falling in love AS SOON AS HE REALIZES KYOKO IS THE SAME GIRL HE MET (Ren being gray/demiromantic.... more at 5). Kyoko lowkey starting to crush on Ren when she witnesses a bit of his real personality. These two things happening around the same time??????? And Ren being SO afraid of being Kuon, his true self, because of his bad qualities, but Kyoko pulling out the good qualities without him fully realizing it?? (I'm 100% referring to Kuon being a mischievous little shit and I live for how he teases Kyoko) tbh they treat each other differently from other people without even realizing it lol. And Kyoko being surrounded by toxic and possessive men pursuing her, and Ren being anything BUT. Like my man is a gigantic green flag. He recognizes that he can't seriously pursue Kyoko bc she's a minor and he really tries his best to only be a friend and mentor in her life and keeping her trust and never crossing her boundaries despite the stereotypes of men being "unable to control themselves." Y'all take point this should be the standard at minimum☝️

I have to talk about Sho bc this boy is so fucking toxic but he makes such a fascinating character. As much as I hate how Kyoko got heartbroken in the way she did, I think it was necessary so that she could leave Sho's sorry ass and cut him out of her life. Seriously,,,, he took advantage of her and used her as a servant. she literally dropped out of school, moved to a different city, and took on two jobs for the sole purpose of helping his career and then he threw her away like a used rag (JUST THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY). And then he has the audacity to fall in love with her smh. Anyway the fascinating part about him to analyze is how he's so possessive of Kyoko. Like she was a mere fly in his life, but she was always his. Until she wasn't. And I think those twisted thoughts kinda morphed into feelings for Kyoko. Ig in a way he still cares about her, but it could never hide how toxic he is. Anyone who's like I don't care how this person thinks of me as long as I take up the biggest space in their heart is egotistical and narcissistic. BUT he and Kyoko bickering like siblings will always be funny. Like epitome of two people who've lived with each other for way too long so they know how the other ticks and also get on each other's nerves 😂😂Sho does makes a good foil for Ren though. Like he's basically everything Ren is not: immature, temperamental, possessive, vain, the list goes on. His only redeeming qualities as a character is providing good drama and humor and being an example of what Ren isn't.

Skip Beat is really a story about healing and learning to love yourself and letting others love you and Nakamura is such a good story teller 🥺

[odraziduse]

the endless spiral of sleep takes its hold on me once more, ignorant of the way my nails claw to cling to the remnants of daylight.

how often has this happened, i wonder? how often did I wake up only to fall again, to lose myself in a darkness so deep it feels like everything I've ever known all at once?

it feels warm, comforting. it holds memories, dreams, futures. but it's dangerous, haunting, wanting to take and take until there's nothing left.

for how long has my bed been the only place I call home?

the darkness is an old friend I've grown accustomed to. the depth of its embrace is familiar, the rustling leaves whispering for me to return.

but still, I need daylight – the morning, the sun, the flowers. the clouds cast shadows over the road and I count how many seconds it takes until they clear again.

my hand is outstretched, open palm and blurred fingers reaching for something, something.

but I never find it. instead, the leaves rustle again, the flowers wilt, the clouds darken.

the whirlpool of stars opens, and I descend.

[higuchisora]

AU where the Firelights actually operated as a rival power in Zaun to Silco, and actually had their own "turf"/territory in the way the Chem barons (and Silco) seemed to.

This can go two ways.

In both versions they're the "friendlier" group, but in version 1, they're still dangerous. Chances are, they commit their own kinds of crimes, likely of the organized variety. Perhaps where Silco produces/traffics shimmer, the Firelights produce/traffic arms, or sell pirated goods. Or perhaps they're mercenaries of a sort. On a more humorous note, it'd be hilarious if Ekko ran a casino.

Version 2, they're a "nonprofit/Robin Hood" type. Steal from the rich, give to the poor, and all that. They'd largely be similar to my current headcanon of them.

In both versions, they're elusive and evasive. Their presence is felt throughout Zaun, but it's rare to actually spot a member. In fact, no one knows who the members actually are: they wear masks at all times during public operations. But it's rare even to witness the masks: to see them is to be a target- or a loose end.

[alohaasaloevera]

Oh boy do I love it when I see two characters with vastly different personalities and wow their backstory and motivations and developments are in some proximity tied to each other? Wow how I do love that! What’s that? They have a rival-esque dynamic? Which stems from one characters insecurities? How interesting! I can’t wait to see how the pair’s relationship progresses throughout the span of the entire show! Hopefully they will be granted with a blossoming relationship from rivals to friends to an unbreakable bond that not even the insurmountable obstacle that is time and distance can wither! Hopefully the show displays poignant moments between the two that can act as lessons the audience can learn from such as battling your insecurities and being able to rely and trust people etc.!!!!

I do love both of these characters dearly. 😈 HAHAHAHAHA SHIPPING TIME!!!

Ok, let me just binge the whole thing—

[h0rnyshakespeare]

It’s 00:00, and I feel 15 again.

I’m back on tumblr, I’m reading fanfiction on ao3, I’m watching anime.

Alone, but not lonely.

Surfing the web.

Reading manga and webtoons.

It’s 01:00, and I feel 15 again.

It feels nice to reconnect with these sides of myself I’ve neglected over the years, gathering dust.

I miss those days, but I would never go back. Watching from afar is preferable.

1:11

Tired eyes.

Freeing thoughts.

I can’t wait to grow up. Even though it’s been years since I was just 15.

[witofretard28]

So what will I say to you if we ever meet again?

I love you. Even after so many years I love you. And if you ever feel lonely, know that there is atleast one person who loves you with all their heart in this life.

But this life is all you get from me. I don't wish to meet you or know you in another lifetime. I don't want to be a fool for you. One lifetime is enough.

[enxuement]

love me adore me call me angel tell me you couldn’t live without me and that i light up your life stroke my hair lay your head in my lap wrap your arms around me and pick me up tell me you want to grow old with me and that you will love me however i may evolve

[moonlightregret]

I used to have nightmares as a kid—strangers slipping underwear onto me. I never understood why, but those static memories have always lingered. I’ve wanted to write about my childhood, about the pieces of my past that don’t quite fit together. Not in a book—I’m too lazy for that. But here, in stories, bit by bit, trying to make sense of it all.

Some of it is shameful. Some of it is embarrassing. But I need to get it out. I have no one to tell, so why not throw it into the void of the internet? It feels as safe as whispering secrets into the night, unheard and unnoticed.

I’ll try to keep things in order. This is where it begins.

When I was four, my dad left my mom to join a cult called The Way International. She refused to let him take us there, so she packed up our lives and moved us from New Hampshire to Florida. It was just the three of us—my mother, my older brother Matt, and me. Matt was only a year older than me, but in many ways, he became my protector.

We lived in my grandparents' trailer until my mom got a job as a bank teller and saved enough to get a small house. She started drinking a lot, but back then, I didn’t understand what that meant. I have fragmented memories of her from that time—some good, some terrifying.

She loved to dance, spinning around the living room to Helen Reddy. Sometimes, she would wrap her arms around herself and turn to me with a smile. "Look! Doesn't it look like I’m dancing with someone?" she'd say. And for a moment, she seemed happy.

She could be fun. We had junk food nights where we ate nothing but chips. I didn’t know it was because we couldn’t afford anything else—she made it feel like a treat. I remember her being strong enough to pull herself into the attic without a ladder just to get our Christmas decorations.

But she could also be terrifying.

She would scream at us, hit us, unleash a rage so sudden and unpredictable that it left me constantly on edge. Once, I was sitting on a bench, rocking back and forth, making it squeak. She snapped. She grabbed me by the arm, ripped me off the chair, and beat me.

She did things that, even as a child, I knew weren’t normal. She would climb out the window in lingerie, pretending to be a pizza man knocking on the door. She got us a black Lab once, a dog we named Sammy. But then, in one of her fits of anger, she screamed at the dog, terrorizing it, trying to scare it so badly that it would run away—just to punish us.

And then there were the fleeting moments of kindness. She built us a fort out of palm leaves, and Matt and I spent hours inside, sneaking candy, pretending we had our own little world. She bought us two small chairs that we loved more than anything. But when she got mad, she destroyed them—shattering them into pieces before our eyes.

She threw empty liquor bottles into the woods next door. I used to wonder what people thought when they cleared the land and found all those rum bottles hidden in the brush.

One night, she told us that someone was trying to break in. She shoved Matt and me into a closet, handed my five-year-old brother a knife, and told him to protect us. I remember him standing in front of me, gripping the knife with tiny hands, his little body shielding me. "Get down in the corner," he whispered. "I'll keep you safe."

But there was no intruder. She made it up just to scare us.

I wanted her to love me so badly.

The scariest memory I have from those early years happened one night when she was drinking heavily. The music was blasting, and for once, we were having fun, dancing together. Then she took the dog outside, and I followed her. When the dog finished, he ran back inside. She went in, too—without realizing I was still behind her.

And then she shut the door.

I reached for the handle, but it was locked.

It was dark outside. I was four years old. Terrified.

I banged on the door with my tiny fists. "Mom! Mom, please! Let me in!"

I screamed. I sobbed. But the music was too loud. She couldn’t hear me.

I don’t know how long I was out there, but it felt like forever. My stomach twisted in knots, and I felt sick with fear. Had she locked me out for good? Was this the moment she decided she didn’t want me anymore?

I used to beg her to tickle my arm, to let me lay my head in her lap. When she was kind, I felt like the luckiest little girl in the world. But when she was angry, it was like my entire world was crumbling around me.

I always felt like she didn’t like me.

But when she did, even for a moment—it meant everything.

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

[relivethisdream]

I haven’t been feeling like myself in days but my funnyman charisma makes up for it. I think. Hopefully

[moiled-spilk]

the cosmos and all of time is a painting and I am a happy little tree. existence is a story and I am a lore relevant side plot contributing to the butterfly effect through which every mere act of simply existing is intrinsic to the fabric of our very being. I am a star in an endless ocean of celestial bodies making up a nebula of other stars just like me beside which I shine just as brilliantly. I am a note in a melody that sounds wrong without it. I am one of the many drops making up the ocean and its vast thriving ecosystem. I am a leaf on the tallest maple. I am an atom. I am the firm link of an endless chain. I am important. so are you. you matter. you are the clasped hands that hold this universe together. you are at the center of a story bigger than yourself. you are a foundational piece in our perpetual tower of babel. you matter. you. yes you. you are a part of something incredible. celebrate. be joyous. live because it is a privilege to even question your existence. live because a dying star billions of years ago made you what you are now. live because there is stardust in your veins and light in your eyes and the light of the world is dimmer without you in it. live because it’s what you were created to do.

[funnywormz]

"Thanks, now leave." w/ the auditor/the hotel please and thank

The void pulses darkly. Nervously tugging at her shirt sleeves, the Auditor delivers her audit, orating it to the nothingness. All around her is darkness, but she knows that the Hotel's gaze is upon her. She trembles. Her voice stays steady.

"-and they've both been performing excellently lately. Sometimes Hop gets... a little too excited, but she still does her job well, and I can't fault her for being enthusiastic! And Cierge, he keeps her in line and does his own work with poise and elegance. I have no complaints about either of them."

The void is silent. The Auditor wonders if the Hotel is actually listening to her. She clears her throat.

"I, well... You can look at my notes for a more detailed recount. Is there... Is there anything else you needed me for? Ma'am?"

Silence. Then a voice rumbles up from nowhere, gurgling and bubbling into sound. It sounds like the entire void is speaking, like each particle is emitting speech. It's a woman's voice. Purring dispassionately.

"That will be all, thanks. Now leave."

There is a long, pained pause. The Auditor's face twitches, the stretched skin around her mouth sagging into a frown.

"What?"

"Don't make me repeat myself, little midge. Run along and do... Whatever it is that you do."

The Auditor flutters upwards instinctively, looking for something to respond to. Nothing changes. It's like she had stayed in the same place. Like she had never even moved.

"A-are you sure I can't be of more use to you? This is the first time we've... Talked, surely there's something I can-"

"Midge, midge, midge..." The Hotel tuts. "We've talked umpteen times before."

"We have...? I don't..." The Auditor feels dizzy, suddenly aware of the void stretching in every direction, dropping into infinity below her feet. "I don't remember, ma'am. My apologies, I-"

"Yes, well, things work differently for you. I don't really want to explain this again. Anyways..." The Hotel's voice darkens. "Didn't you hear what I said, midge? I told you to leave."

The palms of her hands feel sweaty under her gloves. The Auditor tries to smile again, but all she can think about now is the infinity around her, how she could fly forever and never move at all. Her professionalism begins to desert her completely.

"M-ma'am, please, you don't..." Her voice cracks. "You don't understand, I... The others, they can't see me, can't talk to me, and it's alright, because I serve you, but I thought maybe that I could do more for you, that I could... That we could... That I could play a more active role, in, in..."

"I told you to LEAVE, midge. What is it about that that you don't understand?"

"Please!" Something is wrong. The void is nothing and everything, and yet it's slipping out from under her feet. "Please, I want to stay with you, I want to help you, I don't want to be alone aga-"

The Auditor cuts herself off with a gasp as she falls. She doesn't know how she's falling, because there is nothing here to fall from and nothing to fall into, and no gravity to pull her down, but she's still falling. She tries to unfurl her wings, but the force of her descent keeps them flat on her back. All she can do is wriggle helplessly, like a beetle on its back, legs flailing in the air.

If she fell, there must be somewhere to fall to, something to stop her. But she waits, and nothing comes to meet her. It's hard to tell where she even fell from. She might be falling sideways, or backwards, or upwards, or maybe she isn't falling at all, but she can't breathe.

She can't breathe and her head pounds. Something is pushing in on her, crushing her, squeezing her skull like a vice.

She's falling. She's falling. She can't stop.

Her eyes feel like they're going to pop out of their sockets. Trying to think, to do something, she grips her head but only finds swirling terror within.

She's falling, she's falling, she's falling. She can't stop.

-

Madam Hotel chuckles quietly, watching the Auditor curl up into a twitching, drooling ball. "Poor midge. I did tell you to leave." She clicks her tongue in mock pity. "Maybe you'll think before you get to clingy next time, OK? I'm a busy woman, I can't just throw my schedule out the window to make small talk, as much as I'd love to."

She waits for a response, giggling to herself when it doesn't come. "That's better! You've got to be more independent! You know, girl power, and all that?"

A guest demands her attention, their screams punctuated by a cackle from the Bellhop. "Ooh, sounds like I'm going to miss out on the fun..."

She grins, a smile that nobody else can see. "I'll give you some time to think things through, OK, midge?"

The void is silent in response.

[kekeroroppi]

to be young is to wear one’s heart on their sleeve, be yourself and trust anyone with a beautiful smile.

lesson 1: never wear your heart out, humans are greedy. the more love you show, the more they want it for themselves and themselves only.

lesson 2: being yourself often backfired in many ways because, you’ll never truly be yourself. you had to be the cool one. you had to be understanding, patient, calm, caring, forgiving, kind, loving - against your own will.

lesson 3: “the person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger” - never trust anyone.

in this world, you only have yourself for yourself.

[words-poetry-brain-rot]

Memories from the notes app

What am I experiencing, if not a car pulling away at 1:30am, the chill of the breeze through your wide window. I wanna be remembered, I wanna be adored. Sell your fingers, sell your soul. Mosqito humming, or is it the pipes? Pumping water through the walls, falling from your shower as you stand wet. Dripping. Lusting. Lamenting a past you no longer want, but don't want to forget. Noises of happiness that you once had, through the walls of this now spare room. Paper thin, seeping into the bed.

Bliss and laughter, a drunken ex, beauty and sweetness, chaos and storm. 2 worlds that should never meet, creating moments of connection, panging and peace.