#era talks about 5sos saving her life for the second time

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

[mad1calrad1cal-blog]

lol 5sos...

When i was 14 i found the song Heartache on the Big Screen by 5 seconds of Summer. For a while it was just that one song, it took me until the beginning of 2015 to really get hooked. I found some video of a compilation of clips of Luke Hemmings, doing whatever it was that he did, and i was hooked. I invested the following two years of my life into that band, i loved them with my whole heart. They were the first band where i didn't only appreciate their music but their personalities, and the way they interacted with their fans. I fell in love with the band that always thanked their fans for all they did to allow to do what they loved. I was able to snag some shitty ass lawn seats at ROWYSO with my own money that i had saved from babysitting, and it was the best night ever. My favorite band was there in front of me, i couldn’t believe they were real!! I got to hear Heartache on the Big screen live, even though i loved all of their songs at this point. 

i was a Luke fan from the beginning, I absolutely adored him, so when Arzaylea came along i was PISSED, but she eventually grew on me and looking back i see my dislike of her as a huge waste of unnecessary negative energy. Once Arzaylea came along though, it was the beginning of the end. i could feel my love for Luke weakening, along with 5sos as a whole. This was because i was desperately trying to hold on to 2014 5sos, but that wasn’t who they were anymore, they were getting older and so was i. When SGFG came out i was absolutely convinced it was the best album i had ever heard.i was lucky enough to go to SLFL at msg, the show was amazing. They were so excited that they were playing madison square garden, and i was full of pride that my favorite band was playing the most famous arena in the world. After SLFL, i started to broaden my horizons to other bands. I would listen to 5sos less and less, until i wasn't listening to them at all. After a few months i came to the conclusion that they were no longer my favorite band, and when they put things online i didn’t really care. The strong connection that 5sos had with their fans thought social media isn’t what it once was, now they rarely talk about their music and they post about their social lives, but in reality it seems that they value their privacy. I slowly have begun to realize that they don't appreciate their fans as much as they once did because they have not done anything related to music in a whole year. They aren't using their strong social media ties to hold on to the people that gave them everything they have like they should be doing. 

i will always love 5sos for everything that loving them created for me, it introduced me to many of the bands that i know and love now. They brought me to this whole world of music and people that i probably would never have found without going through that period of time liking them.A part of me will always stay that 14 year old who was convinced she was gonna marry Luke Hemmings, but this is the end of an era.