#just weird thoughts tonight
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1:43am 10/26/24
Lmao it has been the longest year of my life and it feels like I’ve learned nothing and everything at the same time. I don’t even know what to say anymore. However I do know that I’m stressed, I have no money and no job. Idk lol the universe just keeps testing me!!!!! My friends keep dying or relapsing and I’m doing the one thing Marisa told me not to do lmao oops
Speaking of Marisa, I might get to see her when I pick up my one year and idk if I’d cry or throw up from anxiety lol. I will have a fuckin year completely clean and sober next month. And I’m still homeless and I lost my job lmao and have no savings, and I still live in a very toxic halfway. But I have my cat, and he saves me every day.
There’s a lot in my head. Too much. Also I went on an old tag here on this blue dot. I didn’t think the tag still worked, well, it does. And I fell right back into some version of seventeen year old me.
#faiths posts#recovery#just weird thoughts tonight#do people still talk in the tags#haven’t slept much in two days#I saw something triggering on this website but I purposefully did that#bc I wanted to see if the triggers didn’t bother me#they do lmaooooo#ooh boy my heart rate jumped#lmao also I really do have no money#people are telling me to start a go fund me and I laugh#seeing one of my best friends from tx tomorrow first time in eleven months#I don’t know how to set boundaries lol my therapist said I’m doing problematic behavior#idk lmao
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Okay so I've been wanting to tell you that you're literally my favourite twst artist 😭🩷
So my question is, how do you manage to come up with these funny comics? CUZ I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
(P.s: Lovin' the art style ✨)
oh geeze, thanks! 💚💚💚 I'm really glad people enjoy my stupid sense of humor; mostly I just draw things to make myself laugh, and if it makes other people laugh too, then bonus points! usually it's just one joke or mental image that gets stuck in my head (every time I saw Fellow spin his cane, all I could think about was him go-go-gadgeting away on it...) and in my quest to justify it, it picks up other jokes and bits along the way and usually doesn't even end up as the main focus anymore. entire narrative arcs have spun out just so I could use a single bad pun in a throwaway line. this is a terrible way to explain it but I'm not sure how else to put it into words!
and sometimes it's just "weird things my sister has said that I make fun of her for"
#twisted wonderland#reposting old art but i will never not make fun of her for her incredibly pretentious opinions about the local mall's architectural design#yuu listening to malleus be weird about buildings is supposed to be relateable right#that said this is also the only place i get to talk about twst so it is also just...a lot of my thoughts spilling out everywhere#(sorry other fandoms)#(i have spaces where i can debate the various merits of himeno/rita versus morfonia/rita)#(the correct answer is that rita has two hands but i digress)#but where else can i talk at length about these anime disney dipshits who have flawless eyeliner and zero emotional intelligence#me at the top of my lungs: you don't understand that's his DAD#the group dm: w...what are you talking about#there's gonna be a few posts today sorry#gotta get some stuff out before the update tonight/tomorrow morning/whatever happens and becomes all i think about for the next week
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I think that there’s a fundamental misunderstanding of what exactly is…happening with Izuku’s character. Specifically in regards to chapter 425.
I’m glad that a lot more people generally recognize that Izuku is not a character that can be read at a surface level, given that he’s both a repressed person with built up emotion of basically everything and also a very glaringly HUGELY unreliable narrator, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I agree with the ways I’ve seen this most recent chapter spoken about.
I see posts, comments, etc with ideas like “Izuku don’t suppress your emotions! Open up with people! It’ll be okay I promise!” When that’s fundamentally not what is happening here.
There’s always always ALWAYS been a distinct difference in character throughout horikoshi’s writing when he is showing that a character is:
A—Avoiding emotions, thoughts, ideas less than ideal for them. Not opening up when they probably should about their problems given that they’ve been handed the space to do so. Just genuinely not acknowledging, feeling, or expressing emotions that they don’t want.
B—Reflecting on the ways they feel about the world, themselves, or other people given their new perspective on a situation. Not outright reaching out to others to talk about these problems/feelings, but instead waiting until the moment they feel they have the most confidence to do so with their new outlook on their own life.
And genuinely, guys, to grab your BkDk attention rn, this is the exact reason why Ochako’s reflection on her feelings for Izuku and thereafter decision to pull away from them WAS NEVER GOING TO END IN OCHAKO EXPLODING WITH HER LOVE FOR HIM.
This was another common interpretation I saw of Ochako and Izuocha for a long time. That because she pushed these feelings away, they were somehow going to explode in this unbelievable way and she would “get the boy” because of it. That her arc would surround accepting her romantic feelings and that she can’t just push away how she feels for a career.
But yk. That didn’t happen. At all. Nowhere close even.
The same kind of goes for Katsuki, allmight, etc. They all had moments in their arc where it was spent genuinely reflecting, and the only reason we as the audience never connected it in the same ways we do ochako or Izuku was ALWAYS BECAUSE the narrative showed their inner thoughts while doing so (mostly because Allmight’s arc after losing OFA and Katsuki’s arc on what it means to be a hero were so intrinsically tied, both starting at the same time and ending at the same time during the final war. And because they were so tied this caused their own reflections, development, and thought process to be broadcasted to us frequently throughout their arcs… to each other. They also somewhat shared aspects with Izuku, but these were cherry picked more often than not, like dvk2 for example).
To us Katsuki never seemed to be.. idk, suppressing his anger in any way because we were always told what he was doing and why (side note: this is why I’ve always thought arguments against Katsuki were so weird, bc unlike characters like endeavor or Ochako he wasn’t like… hiding who he was and how he was changing. Ever. Like the audience knows at all times past basically season 3 what Katsuki is thinking and doing. Like how do you watch this happen, stare me dead in the eye, and tell me how much of a terrible and awful teenage boy he is. Like damn I didn’t think we were this dumb. This is also my theory as to why he’s most popular, his arc is very… in your face if that makes sense). Katsuki’s entire mini arc on reflecting his mistakes and his childhood and his future is spent TELLING YOU that it’s what he’s doing. (I’m referring mostly to the endeavor internship arc, the provisional license exam makeup, and basically everything in the war arc related to him leading up to bakugou Katsuki rising here)
And see, Horikoshi will stare you dead in the eye, tell you “this girl has taken into consideration that she doesn’t want to waste her time training her career focusing on a boy because he kinda caught her fancy”, and y’all will still say that this will explode in her face.
Y’all this is a series about learning how to manage emotions, maturity in relationship to one’s emotions, how to feel an emotion, but in a way that is helpful. Horikoshi isn’t telling you “go buck wild, feel everything all the time and always express it”, in fact he explores why you DONT do that! Through Toga or Shigaraki, they show how grief and anger can genuinely consume you. But he also shows why you shouldn’t just put everything in a box to never look at or acknowledge, or why you shouldn’t just let your grief destroy the world around you, or pretending that some emotions simply don’t exist.
I can’t say this enough, so let me say it now, mha is about the extremes of your psyche. That you should control something, but not too much. Everything can be harmful. Everything can be good.
Izuku is not controlling too much, he’s expressing just enough.
I LOVE shaming this dickhead at all times in all my posts. I love saying he’s an ignorant dipshit with a weird amount of distaste for a girl who just confessed to him. I’ve joked that chapter 348 is basically an entire chapter spent on Izuku calling Himiko a mean dyke. And yet I also believe he’s doing nothing WRONG here.
In fact, I’ll even say that this moment right here?
ISNT EVEN IZUKU DOING THE SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE THING ABOUT IT! But he’s still TRYING to reach out to someone he thinks MIGHT be able to understand. (And frankly, this moment is far deeper than what it’s being made out to be, to me it reads more like an unrequited friendship that Izuku both desires and has thought of them to have, while simultaneously showing the distance Ochako has successfully wedged between them for her own sake. Maybe it was always there though, maybe in weird, miscommunicated Horikoshi fashion, this is a representation of how Ochako always read all those “fun friend hangouts” as a little more than that, and without those feelings the friendship never really held any substance to her in the first place. Where Izuku saw his first real friend at UA, she saw little more than acquaintance)
Simultaneously, Izuku is genuinely reflecting on what it means for the world to change, to be a hero, to live after loss—and trying and failing to gain the connection he desires from individuals who can not and will not afford him that.
Izuku is ready for the world to change, a few select characters are also ready for the world to change (mirio, for example), but not nearly enough are. So maybe I’ll have to take this back if I’m proven wrong and I accidentally looked into this far past what everyone else did for no reason, but I genuinely believe with moments like this
And this
Aand this
That Izuku has come forward with that aspect of his character development. He’s reflecting on his new beliefs, not repressing his emotions for them.
#bkdk#I will also say that while Izuku did do a bit of a fake smile and attitude for Katsuki’s breakdown last chapter#he gets a bit of an excuse for that suppression. theres a time and place to be strong for a friend. and while izuku didn’t exactly say ALL-#the right things or think the right thoughts… he still imo fits into control your heart within that moment#you can ‘be strong’ for someone who’s sad or anxious without you being out to be an ultra suppressive self hating boy man#in that moment katsuki probably would’ve needed that if izuku had said literally anything else but ‘I’m glad I had this dream while it-#lasted!’ and ‘your probably just feeling very weird right now’… DUDE I CANNOT KEEP DEFENDING YOUR ASS#midoriya izuku#mha deku#bakudeku#bkdk brainrot#bnha deku#bakugou katsuki#mha analysis#deku midoriya#last side note lmao: I’ve done like five drafts for this and if this one isn’t good enough hopefully someone better than me can remake this#or I’ll make this at a later time when more things come out#I just knew I wanted this out before the next chapter leaks#which are probably tonight lolllll#oh and I proof read like 80% of this so y’all are getting what you fucking get
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Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,
#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight#but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier#and i mean yeah#.....#i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw#so funny how i thought i was bi#I'm just really into women...#my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment”#we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we#can really understand#im not into men because you know#im a lesbian#had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared#turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things#i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :)#i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again#but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol#funny how love can be so complicated sometimes#i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh#it was better for us#hehe
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I’ve been working on an essay all day but I wanna write a iwatex fic so baaad. Something about being busy with real schoolwork makes fic writing soooo tempting.
#i’m gonna do it probably tonight#i wanna write about vace……. i’m doing a vace run bc i was pretty sure i’d never get a high friendship with him in a normal run lol#and his run is! so weird!! idk i have so many thoughts#but also! so many thoughts about the fact that his arm is just never really brought up outside flavour text??#never explained……#anyways big Vace Thoughts rn#i was a teenage exocolonist#iwatex#kk talks about stuff
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Love is so freaky and messed up to the point that sometimes i do wish and hope SO badly that no one ever has to suffer being in love with me specifically because it honestly sounds absolutely unbearable
#my brain sure is braining lately#ignore me ive been having a Few Days for sure#and there aren’t enough words or enough time in the world to express the full context of this thought#like#the love story doesn’t happen in the epilogue#and the epilogue can’t fix an ending that failed to satisfy the reader#and an authentic and satisfactory sequel is impossible when the ending killed off too much of the plot#does any of this make sense#do i even know what i mean#just ignore me im overthinking#and of the like five different crazed rants i drafted tonight this one is like the shortest#and least weird i think#and i wanted to shout my nonsense into the void to shut my brain up for a minute#apologies for that#pls continue as you were and i hope your brain is quiet and your day is good <3#wait also im all good im just thinking no need to worry!#this is just my nonsense that wanted to be set free from rattling in my brain just let her be and she’ll go away on her own eventually😪
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i have done...an absolute deep dive into blues and folk music tonight. it was 100% one of those blink and three hours have passed type of deals. worth it though.
#be warned if you go into the tags i will explain how this all came up. educational but long!#so it started with two questions. mostly because i live in the ozarks i wanted to know and secondly i like music if you haven't caught on#(btw i am so giving you guys the quick and easy version if you are reading this at all)#anyway. the first question was 'why does the ozarks have such a country influence but also bluegrass but also blues but also folk but al-'#because while i grew up in stl i am now like. living living in the ozarks right? right. and i for sure can see how we are the like...#the little sibling of the appalachian mountains. and i thought it was just cause aw cute mini mountains (highlands people)#but instead its cause there were settlers from appalachia! which makes a ton of sense now seeing influences and culture etc etc#so we cleared up that. we know why the ozarks is the way it is (or at least part of it)#btw anyone who says branson is a “true reflection” of the ozarks is out of their damn minds.#that shit is tourist central and just drives me up the wall. they are playing a parody of themselves is the best way to describe it#caricature maybe??? point is. “h'yuck h'yuck we're the country jubilee!” is not uhhhh ozarks and never was?#like it was but they took it a step further. so. anyway#can you tell i'm fixated on this right now? moving on! question 2 was quite literally 'what genre is this song'#it's 'fault line' by black rebel motorcycle club (which i highly suggest everyone listen to)#but i was like hmmm very bluesy harmonica but just fingerpicking guitar so that's more folksy#so! i went on a deep dive of what technically considers blues blues and what folk is. and guess what! the ozarks play into this too#because! the thing is that the ozarks is weird. st louis is technically not in the ozarks but on the outskirts. and stl is influenced by...#the mississippi delta! therefore blues music which led to rock and roll etc#(that's a whole other tangent for another day on stl and blues and rock and roll)#but anyway it makes sense that once you have folks from stl area coming down to the ozarks then you also have that combo of...#mississippi delta and appalachia music. so then we go back to “fault line” right?#i have declared it folk mostly because it definitely doesn't follow traditional blues progression or call and response.#so anyway. deep dive tonight was basically what is this song's genre and how does that wrap into where i live!#which also. brmc is like...usually listed as a “rock” band from san francisco which hey! awesome.#but like. from the songs i've heard and especially causing me to do this deep dive...they do not strike me as a californian band#music is cool! regions are cool! culture is cool! i just like to see how it's all spread out ya know?#if you've read this far gold star! i hope you've learned something tonight from reading the ramblings of a fixated person#i'm rambling again aren't i
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guy who's 5 minutes away from finding they've been bitten by a tick
#i had just happened to be taking selfies right before i went to like.#strip down and shave. and just by pure chance i found a tick on me#ive never had one. it was so small and recent it hadn't even begun feeding#i went to the ER to get it removed because i was afraid of its head ripping off or it vomming into the wound#and the medic still decapitated it on accident so 🫠#and so then they had to surgically cut into the skin to remove the mandibles left behind#so that was my night tonight#soooo awsome#freaked me the fucketh out though lyme disease is so scary to think about#anyway i rarely post a selfie unprompted these days#and im not really even a fan of this pic im kinda tired and my hair is weird#but i thought it funny and appropriate to share
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there’s something about the difference in sour ending with hope ur ok and guts ending in teenage dream. in sour she closes on a sweet note, closing up her chapter of sour and bitterness wishing people from her past her best, hoping that they’re all okay in the end. but in guts, she’s stuck in this gut wrenching feeling, this world encompassing feeling of what the fuck is the world what am i supposed to do i’m never going to be enough for them or myself, what if this is it for me?
sour was a bitter little breakup album, and while guts shares similar themes expressed in sour, it’s much more raw and tears into you in an uncomfortable way. its no longer just an odd flavor left in your mouth, but it’s taking over your whole insides and it’s just so much more intense than anything ever has been.
to end guts with such an honestly sad and almost hopeless song is so interesting to me. she sends us on this rollercoaster of emotions and we end on a low note. I think it honestly sums up teenage girlhoods transition into adult girlhood in such a specific way. Going from being 19 to 20 feels like you’re teetering on the precipice of something so terribly important that you can’t even comprehend it. But the truth is honestly that there’s no jump, there’s no fall, you step and the earth is still underneath you. But you don’t know that, all you know is what ifs. What if I’m the exception, what if i don’t get better, what if i get stuck living through pictures, what if I’ve hit my peak and i’ll forever crave to go back to it.
i’m not sure if i even came close to explaining any of my thoughts in a way that makes sense but nonetheless, i am excited to see how she grows and what she does in the future, and right now as a 19 year old girl turning 20 soon, i am going to sob and listen to teenage dream (and the rest of guts) on repeat.
#idk i’m honestly just in a weird ass mood tonight#but the last track choice is very interesting to me it was since my first listen#bonk thoughts#olivia rodrigo#guts olivia rodrigo
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me remembering that i used to write the two supernatural muses is like uncovering trauma i forgot about i stg
#yes supernatural as in the show. i used to be p into it.#somehow i always forget abt it. I stg I've just wiped years from my own memory for how foreign a lot of it feels to me adjgksg#but if ur curious....... the muses were samandriel & cas. which tbh both probs make sense of u know my type lmfaooooo#idk it just came back to me in a fucking flash tonight and thought I'd share bc I didn't really write them on tumblr so#I think most ppl who HAVE known me for years may not even know?? bc i wrote them mostly on dreamwidth when I was big in to panfandom games#BUT YEAH. idk. fucking. it's weird to me sometimes to remember I used to write nothing but canons#and a lot of those canons I've moved on from at this point :(#━━ ˟ ��� ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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interesting that all of the cavia are animals from earth
#thought of this when brainstorming tennotober ideas while i take a little break from drawing#well i had meant to draw tonight but i got lazy and lost track of time lmao#just gonna outright skip day 9 and hopefully get working on either day 10 or 11 as soon as i can#anyways uh yeah weird that albrecht only chose animals from earth to throw into the void#i kinda doubt that was intentional by DE but makes me wonder if there could be a significance there#he disappeared at like the height of the orokin empire so animals from venus or wherever must have also been available#i mean the guy was on deimos ffs it would've been easier to grab some desert skates from mars lmao#i mean the idea was that he wanted the animals to be significant for the void to take greater interest#but i would think that some super rare animals from other planets would be more interesting than from the origin planet of all life#maybe something to do with his or wally's interest in 1999 earth#or maybe earth in general#idk#is this anything#warframe#rambling#imagine if one of the cavia was like a bolarola or something lol#imagine a talking desert skate#actually no don't imagine that#that's just disturbing#what am i doing all the way down here oh god
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#idk how many people actually go to protests and marches and vigils on this site#but i think tonights was the first time ive ever felt kind of dissapointed by one#not because of the vigil itself#i guess i was just hoping a vigil in front of the local israeli conculate for ALL martyrs would've drawn more than like 50 -75 people#yes it was below freezing yes it was windy#but were all people who live in a cold city#and can dress warm for it#and know how to tough it out#and even if we werent its such a tiny discomfort for such a short amount of time to act like its a reason to not go to something#idk i guess i thought more people were deeply enough affected by Refaat and Hind and Aaron and every other martyr we know by name#and the thousands and thousands and thousands we dont#to show up and stand in the cold for a little while#to feel like we can honour them in some way#to hear Refaat's words read allowed (which has hurt consistently but is so important to feel)#idk where im going with it i think i just need to get it all out#its been a very weird day
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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netflix shadow and bone cast looked so good and for What. why'd they do that
#every thought I have is going on this blog tonight because this cat won't get off me#I still never finished s2 it just felt so weird#shadow and bone
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there comes a time when you ask yourself if charles leclerc is an outlier or you might be bi after all
#OR maybe it's just the weird hormones around my period#teehee#e#not feeling body dysmorphia in this chillis tonight at all#completely normal thoughts#completely normal feelings#this is all ferrari's fault somehow btw
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