#just struggling atm and this is what i was able to do today

[pufffinn]

i lied guys im not working on the requests in my inbox i’m fixing the world to make peace and love on planet earth ( i hate the httyd: the nine realms designs and the show in general so i edited thunder to actually look good )

( images used under the cut )

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[zeondraws]

Ok, Fellas, so today was wild

I'm at Gamescom atm and a week before this I tried to make a small plan for myself. Mostly because I had gotten such a big interest for the game, I wanted to see if I can meet anyone at the event.

After having had a big hurdle while trying to reenter the business area, I was able to go back and meet someone from the Chinese Room (I met two today). Which was wild for me, didn't think with this sudden interest in the game that I was able to meet someone from the team who worked on the game so soon.

I told them how I struggle to find interests in most games since those usually don't speak to me, but Still Wakes The Deep suddenly caught my attention. Where I ended up researching a bunch to find hidden details or eastereggs, looking through the game files and replaying the game to further understand the story.

I only had a small window to ask a bunch of questions, I sadly couldn't ask silly questions like "Does Muir look like a Bagpipe?" or ask some Questions about Caz.

Before the meeting I asked people on the discord server if they wanted to know anything. So I tried to take the questions I had for the moment and get through them XD

I did tell them how there is a small community on tumblr/discord where we gather. And that I asked some folk for questions I should ask.

Ok these are big spoilers, at least some suprised me, quite a bunch if them are of course about Muir and Innes.

I hope I remember everything properly that he told me, I immediately wrote everything down on discord for the others to read, but figured making a tumblr post will be good as well.

Innes:

Quite a lot of people asked about the VA of Innes, apparently they forgot to include him in the credits which made them feel extremely bad, even apologising to them. I can definitely understand how that must feel, I think I'd melt away. They'd fix it in the next patch, I can't check if it's already fixed atm.

At the very end of our chat, while shaking hands, I asked if Innes is bald. And the answer was "*laughs* yes".

Now I clearly asked this one as a joke, because I found it funny to tell the others on discord, however I very much support luscious hair Innes that many are drawing.

Muir:

I explained to them how I've been researching some stuff in the game. And figured out, that Muir must've died around the time when Caz flooded the Forward Pontoon in Marine Control. So I asked if that's possible to be the time when it actually happend- and they did confirm this! I was surprised that I got that on point.

But I got some further details about this, apparently they wanted to showcase how Muir would've died there.

Basically, once Caz flooded the Forward Pontoon, you would've seen Muir outside loosing his grip out in the deck and getting crushed under debris.

Which was so painful for me to imagine, to see Muir outside, walking on his tendrils and suddenly not being able to keep his balance.

I tried illustrating how I roughly imagine this scene, it ain't perfect, but maybe it helps everyone to visualise it.

The Flooding shifted the entire rig and debris fell onto him.

To have some sense where everything is, Accommodation Roof (where you find Roy) is on the left side, if you look at the rig from the Derrick entrance. And Marine Control should be on the right side.

The thing is Marine Control is facing the ocean (if I remember correctly, I hope I do, I'm currently not home to check), so you couldn't take a look at the derick while Caz does the thing. Which basically made them remove this and hid Muir nearby the Derrick for players to find. And I told him how I replayed the game and saw Muir lay there with Innes, it was 6AM and I just sat there like O-O

Muir & Innes:

A burning question for many was, what their relationship is. And they told me it's more like a father son relationship, saying how Innes is very strict to Muir.

Muir is the younger one of the two and also likes to tease Innes a bunch (so the pipe thing is one of his many shenanigans he'd do)

Here we see a wild Muir in his natural habitat about to prank his friend (caught in 4k) (I almost died) (look at him plotting).

Now, I could not forget to mention that the fandom decided to ship Muir and Innes and wanted to see their reaction. They took it with a smile and just talked about their complex relationship again. Which I found cool to hear.

I sadly don't remember every small detail of the convo, since I wanted to make sure that I was able to ask all the questions people wrote on discord.

Brodie & Raffs:

This was a surprise to hear, which also made me very sad. Brodie was also like a father for Raffs, he knew his mother too.

And apparently Brodie was supposed to tell Raffs mother incase anything happened to him. So that she can feel better knowing Raffs died quickly and without much pain. Which is just... I'm in shambles. sobbing

Gibbo:

Some folk wanted to know if he had an actual model, to which the person answered with yes. They planned to show him at some point, but decided that the player should see Trots firstly.

I also randomly asked if the Gibbo model ingame was a part of Addairs model (judging by the game files), if I remember correctly he nodded.

I hope we get to see it in the artbook, I preordered it but forgor to tell him that. But it's okay.

I sadly don't remember everything here, I had to check discord for the questions (I hope I don't say anything wrong), but with Gibbo they focused more on the sound design and the mystery. And I think in the end it worked out perfectly.

Other:

They implanted a bunch of eastern eggs into the game, the art director even said he's still finding new ones to this day.

He mentioned the pictures shown in various areas and mentioned that he inserted pictures of his family and cousins etc.

Also the Kid inside the TV in the Crew Lounge? That's the Art Director as a kid! Whaaaaaaaa- Didn't know this one for sure.

And another random thing, I showed him the meme that @cazrig made. Because I inserted it inside my piece of fanart. I sadly couldn't show him more memes of the community because I forgor/no time. The memes Robin made are also comedy gold.

It was this one (I keep dying of laughter)

He found it very funny, so did the other person I showed it to.

But he also talked about how worried he was how the game would be perceived in the end. Since it came out extremely close to the release date of the new Elden Ring DLC. And having worked on it for so long they didn't know how the reactions would be.

But were positively surprised how well it was perceived, people playing the game, tears being shed and so on.

Okay that took me ages to write, I just wanted to have it all inside a tumblr post. Otherwise I may forget stuff if it's scattered on discord.

The event day turned out well for me today. I was so worried, that my tiny plan wouldn't work yesterday. But somehow I had some luck on my side.

After I got home I added his signature to my physical copy. I also made myself a small card with my artwork for it. I also gave them a small card and a big printed version of the fanart as well.

Thank you John!

I go sleep now, tomorrow is another gamescom day

[laura1633]

I love your two latest bottom charles you've just posted so much. It brightens up my day unexpectedly from the disastrous race yesterday. If you'd like to share more about bottom charles (he's so cute i'm gonna melt) please don't hesitate! I'll be the one who always read and cheer for you ❤️ but if you don't have more things to share atm it's just fine. I just wanna say thank you to you 🥹

Aww thank you so much anon, that is lovely ♥️ I have some bottom Charles stories planned that will be written soon. For now I have written a very short little drabble below of sleepy Charles.

“What is wrong?” Max looks away from the television and towards Charles as he hears the Monegasque shuffling into the room. 

���You weren’t in bed” Charles pouts and rubs at his eyes. It’s still early, far earlier than Max would normally get up but his phone had gone off and he hadn’t been able to fall back asleep. He actually thought he was doing Charles a favour by leaving him alone to sleep, if he hadn’t have gotten up out of bed he would have struggled to keep his hands to himself. Especially when Charles was naked and all tangled up in the sheets looking adorable.

“Sorry baby” Max smiles as he sees how tired Charles still is, the Monegasque’s eyes are barely open and he’s trying to stretch his muscles out but his limbs don’t seem to be very coordinated, “Did you need me?”

“Yes” Charles breathes out as he clambers on to Max’s lap and immediately grinds down against the Dutchman’s cock, “I need more sleep but …” Charles trails off and doesn’t bother fully verbalising what he wants and in truth Max doesn’t need him to. The Dutch driver awkwardly tries to shimmy out his boxers whilst Charles clings hold of him tightly 

“I need to open you up first though” Max strokes his hand up and down Charles’ spine slowly. 

“Already did it” Charles smiles lazily, “You can check” 

Max’s hand wanders down to Charles' ass and he realises Charles definitely wasn’t lying. He’s covered in lubricant, clearly not concerned with getting a little messy in his haste to get himself all nice and prepared. 

“You did good” Max hums as he circles around Charles’ rim and feels the way the muscles have loosened off a little, just enough for him to feel the gape. It probably didn't take much work seen as they only had sex a few hours ago, “You want to get me ready too?”

Charles mumbles something incomprehensible in French but before Max can ask him to repeat himself Charles is reaching out and stroking the Dutchman’s cock to hardness. 

“Thank you” Max smiles and presses a kiss against Charles’ nose. The Monegasque can be quite feisty a lot of the time but when he’s sleepy he is content to do what Max asks and keens softly whenever the Dutchman praises him. 

“Come on then” Max grips one hand around Charles’ waist and the other hand around his own cock as he lines himself up. Charles wiggles his way down slowly, moaning happily as he does so until his ass is flush against Max’s thighs.

“Is that better baby? Is that what you needed to feel good?” Max soothes as he takes in the sight of Charles' rosy red cheeks and fluttering eyes.

“Yes” Charles gives a lopsided smile and and then breathes out a happy sigh as he settles down on Max’s cock and rests against the Dutchman’s body, “Thank you”

“You get some more rest then” Max coos as he grips hold of Charles’ hips and draws tiny little circles against the Monegasque’s skin with his thumbs. The nice rhythmic movement seems to settle Charles down quickly. 

Max has no idea how long Charles will be able to keep still. Sometimes the Monegasque won’t last more than a few minutes before he is overcome with the need to start rocking back and forth or bouncing up and down. Sometimes he shows more restraint, gets a little nap in whilst Max remains buried inside him. Today looks like a sleepy day so Max lowers the volume on the television and sits back and relaxes as Charles falls asleep with his boyfriend’s cock pushed up inside him keeping him nice and full.  

[the---hermit]

26|05|2023

21/50 days of productivity

Today was a bit chaotic. I am happy with everything I manged to do in the morning, because I was losing focus, but I still got a lot done. On the other hand, when I got to the hair salon to get my haircut I had to wait over 40 minutes because they were late, and that made me very unproductive in the afternoon. My goal was to write down notes for an entire chapter, and by the time I got home and everything I simply didnìt have enough time and energies to do so. I did a part, and I'll finish the rest on Monday morning. I am still planning on taking the weekend off from studying, because I really need a little break if I want to be able to work well in the next couple of weeks. I plan on doing a bit of work in the garden, and continue reading my book, and then who knows?

Productivity:

practiced Irish on duolingo (still on the bare minimum side of things but it's all my brain can handle atm)

posted this update of the 2023 genre bingo

set up the next weekly spread in my bullet journal

finished writing notes for the second chapter of M. Detienne's Creation Of Mythology

read the whole third chapter

started to write notes (and highlight them) for the third chapter

planned what I'll have to study next week to stay on track (and somehow got ink all over myself while doing that. no, I don't own a fountain pen, I am just a fool)

started downloading the recorded lectures of another class (I am downloading them just in case, I don't want to risk them being deleated. One of these days I'll download the rest)

Self care:

read first thing in the morning

got an haircut (I'm embracing the short hair for the summer, I even went a bit shorter in the back, and I am really feeling it atm)

📖:The Creation Of Mythology by Marcel Detienne, The Left Hand Of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (little update for those who have been asking. So far I am intrigued by the story, I knew very little before going into it. I am struggling a bit because it's not the lightest read and at the moment my mental energies are not at their best. I find myself struggling the most with longer chapters, so I am pretty sure this is a me problem rn. Anyway I am enjoying it so far, I particularly like those in-between chapters that tell short stories and legends or that simply give you a bit more insight on the world it takes place it)

🎵:Calm Down (A Little Bit Calmer Now) by All Time Low (there will come a day in which I won't be obsessed by something they release, but this is not that day)

[dick-helmet-magneto]

Prompt from @slagneto4life For Erik trying to teach the kids German but realizing he's forgetting the language after speaking English for so long. hope this is okay! I sort of just chose children to use

It sounded like a fun bonding activity for Erik and the children, something he could teach them and they could do together. After all, it wasn’t like he had anyone else around he could speak in his mother tongue with. If he taught Peter, Wanda and David then it would just be something for the four of them to share. 

Not to mention that Charles kept saying he needed to spend more time with David. Erik was just struggling to find something to do with him. But he did seem to enjoy learning knew things and so it was decided. 

Erik came into it prepared, a couple of worksheets he’d found in a book Charles had laying around, a game set up for the kids. He wanted to make it fun, something they would enjoy instead of just staring at him while he lectured. He wasn’t Charles, after all. 

The first couple of lessons went well enough. Counting was something he would never forget, at least the first three numbers were burned into his memory. Every time he said or heard eins, zwei, drei it was followed by a gunshot that seemed to echo through the years and find him no matter how long had passed. 

And Peter seemed to giggle every time someone said fünf, which gave Erik something to look forward to during the first three numbers. 

The third lesson, David insisted they go over the alphabet, no matter that Erik had assured him it was basically the same. He wanted to know the letters and how to pronounce them. Another thing that Erik was certain he could never forget. The number of times his mama had sang the little long to him, and then to his sister. Over and over until Erik still could get it stuck in his head today, if he wasn’t careful. This only led to the days of the week and the month of the year. Erik’s lesson plan was mostly useless that day, but he wasn’t complaining, they were still spending time together and the kids were learning—and what they wanted to learn. 

By the fourth lesson, however, Erik was beginning to regret the whole plan. 

“Auto…” He started to say and then stopped, “Automat…” His brows were drawn together as he looked at the picture on the page. An ATM, something he wasn’t as familiar with, something that wasn’t burned into his memory from when he was young. Yet, it was something he knew he had heard, something that he had said before, he was certain. 

“Do you not even know?” Peter asked, looking up at his dad, seeming amuse and Erik glanced at him. 

“It would make sense,” He said softly, unsure if he was talking to himself or Peter. “But automat is like a vending machine, not-“ He paused as it finally hit him. “Money, geld. Geldautomat. ATM. That’s what it is.” 

It was a terrifying idea, that he was forgetting things, things that made sense and he knew at one time. Until now, it hadn’t occurred to him that he could’ve been losing his ability to speak the language he knew so well, the first one he ever learned. He just assumed that since it was his mother tongue, muttersprache, then it would always be with him.

His eyes moved on down the page. Train station—bahnhof, subway—U-Bhan, restaurant—which he was glad to see was still restaurant. 

“You could’ve chosen and easier page if you don’t even know the answers to this one,” Wanda said, tapping her pencil against her desk and Erik let out a breath. He knew she was right but was he going to admit to that? 

“I can figure this out. Here, there’s some for food and drinks. Those should be simple enough,” He decided, passing them to the three children. 

“Are you going to be able to grade us on these?” David asked as he looked over the page. Erik wasn’t sure but he looked down at the one he had kept for himself. 

Most of it was matching, a word and a picture. Simple enough, brot and bread, wasser and water, tee and tea, kaffee and coffee. He nodded, “This one I will be able to,” He informed them as he went back to looking at the first page. 

Church was Kirche, theater he wanted to say could be the same, but it could be cinema. Somehow that still didn’t feel right though. It wasn’t somewhere he frequented as a child.

These worksheets should’ve come with a word bank. Pharmacy, Erik could identify as apotheke, bakery was bäckerei, but if he had to, he wasn’t certain he would be able to spell it. Links and rechts for left and right he could remember. It was really all a hit or miss. 

Before the next time he was going to meet up with the children for them to learn some more, he was going to need to do some learning of his own. When he decided they would all do this together, he didn’t expect to be learning right along with them.

[dreamingdarklyblog]

Soooo...

Okay soooo um... This is going to be difficult and awkward. But I'm going to do it.

So... Yesterday, when we were playing, my writing partner asked me to write a post for him. Actually he "suggested" I write a post for him.

I was... really out of it at the time. He'd made my breasts really large, and... It seems when he does that I get really foggy and suggestible >_<. Which just... So fucking hot >_<. But I digress.

He told me I would go and write a post for him, and I wouldn't feel embarrassed at all while I was writing it. But would normally after I was done. You get the idea.

Thing is. Shit happened, and I didn't get the chance to write it yesterday before the uh... suggestion wore off. So now I'm feeling pretty damn embarrassed writing this >_<. And let me tell you it's SUPER weird like, remembering suggestions. And remembering how it felt when they were working? And being aware that they aren't now, but, still knowing about it? It's really hard to explain. The pretzel that it kinda ties my head into >_<

And then today MORE shit happened. And apparently he hurt his back yesterday, and passed out feeling bad, today I mean. So I really want him to wake up with a nice post to read, that I know he wanted to read about...

So I'm just going to struggle through it trying not to die of terminal embarrassment.

So what he wanted me to post about was how addicted to rubbing my clit I am >_<. And about how much I love it... and how amazing it is, and some stories about uh... rubbing. Which is so weird >_<. and hot...

I mean... I know I'm addicted. But. I don't care? And. I mean. Being able to remember a lot of this, the suggestions and... The conditioning. I KNOW he's making it worse/better/stronger. But. I was already addicted, right? So. Was I? Or do I just remember being? Which is so confusing. But also so hot >_<

Speaking of rubbing... I need a break >_<

So yeah. Okay. That didn't help the embarrassment. Helped make it a bit easier to focus though. It's just so hard to go very long without rubbing. You have no idea. I probably edged three times in the car yesterday. In traffic. Stuck at lights. I know I probably shouldn't. I'm being safe though I promise. I'm just so horny all the time. It feels so good to be horny all the time. I just. I love how it feels >_<. I guess it's not ALL the time... But I wish it was. That's one reason I keep rubbing so much, like, whenever I don't feel so horny I start rubbing more just trying to stay horny all the time...

break time

Fuck. Really not helping the embarrassment at ALL. UUuuughh. He/you guys better appreciate this. You can tell me if it turns you on. Honestly. I just... I love making people horny >_<. I don't know why. It just makes me feel so... Um... I guess useful? Validated? that's so weird >_<. Ugh. But yeah. If reading this is turning you on please tell me? I'll probably rub myself silly reading it >_<. Fuck im horny >_<. And seriously, can you die from blushing? Lol...

So uh... Stories. Stories about rubbing myself >_<. That's what he said I think... I um. Well. Like i said. In the car... and um. Well. This morning, when I was talking to him, and in the shower. I got really distracted in the shower >_<. And kinda... at breakfast >_<. I was eating and realized I was rubbing too...

yesterday i caught myself pressing against the waahsing machine. had been there probably ten minutes before i realized. And when i was tryingt o do some excercises. Physiohas me doing like, pelvic thrusts? how can you NOT have sexy thoughts doing pelvic thrusts?

break time fuck

yesterday i waskinda rubbing watching tv, andat one point had to run off to the bathroom to rub when i was stuck around people >_< it had been hours and i just. It was too long. i cant go thrat long withotu rubbing my clit. or i dont want to. i dont know. cant/dontwannt to. KIndof a blurry line atm.

fuck im so horny breaks arent working im just typing and rubbing with my other hand or using both and grindignon a pillow ijust fuck i cantt im toohorny

i

igotta go and

rub

mroe

iohope this postwasgood for you and him and everyone and please tellme if it made you hornyor you came oh fuck i hope you came please tell me fuck i need to cum so bad

[gayhoediaz]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @shitouttabuck & @gracieryder 🙏✨

how many works do you have on ao3?

currently it’s at 60, but i have orphaned and deleted a lot of them over the years.

what’s your total ao3 wordcount?

1,046,863

what fandoms do you write for?

currently 9-1-1 & better call saul!

top 5 fics by kudos:

i like you so much (it’s kinda gross)

still

of bakesales and overdue realizations

epiphanies, soft words, and hushed moans at the brink of dawn

gettin’ bi

do you respond to comments?

depends on the fandom! on my lacho fics, i tend to respond a lot more, because it’s a much smaller fandom and it’s easier to keep up. i don’t respond as much on my buddie/bucktommy fics because the comments roll in faster and i feel bad responding to some but not all and then i feel like it’s been too long and just- ah. but i read each and every one and i’m twirling my hair and giggling, kicking my feet.

what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

for whom the bell tolls

what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i usually do happy endings, so i can’t quite pick one!

do you get hate on fics?

meh. at times. a couple times a year, if that.

do you write smut?

have we met

craziest crossover?

i’ve never posted a crossover but i have a lot of them in my head always. tommy kinard x jesse pinkman my beloved. someday.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

oh yes. not in a while though as far as i’m aware.

have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!! but i don’t remember which one it was and i can’t find it so i assume it’s one of the ones i deleted or orphaned.

have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes

all time favorite ship?

buddie and lacho tied, they’re completely different vibes. if i had to pick i think it would be lacho.

what’s a wip you want to finish but doubt that you will?

the buddie fic where they struggle to have sex for the first time cause there’s so much pressure and they both can’t get it up. it’s at 15k atm but i haven’t touched it in months.

what are your writing strength?

characterization, i’d say. it’s the most important thing to me, i work really hard on it and i think it pays off. if i write a line i need to be able to hear them say it in my head.

what’s your writing weakness?

i can’t be concise for shit. if they fuck for 2 hours you will sit there and read it for 2 hours i don’t know how to do anything differently.

thoughts on dialogue in a different language?

once again, since characterization is so important to me, if the character regularly speaks a different language in canon, my fics will reflect it. not only do i have lalo speaking a lot of spanish in my lacho fics, but i also try to research and ask my friends to make it as close to his actual vocabulary as possible.

first fandom you wrote for?

jack x ennis from brokeback mountain i believe?

favorite fic you have written?

for whom the bell tolls. still is good also but it’s older and i think i would have written it better if wrote it today. everyone should read for whom the bell tolls. it’s not that long, you don’t have to know anything about lalo or nacho, if you like my writing you’re gonna like that story i promise.

no pressure tags: @lesbiankinard @starkguzman @wh0re-behavi0r @eddiediazisascorpio @homerforsure @bucktommys @buckttommy @rewritetheending @like-the-rest-of-la

[moonspirit]

Hi Moon🌕

Hope you're doing fine :)

For the ask game: 5, 9, 11, 12, 13, 38, 69

Have a good *time zone* and don't forget to rest🫂

Hi anna T_________T I'm so sorry for getting around to this so late! I also couldn't find the ask game I reblogged #_#

5. what do you think others would consider your most distinguishable physical feature(s)?

I.... I'm not sure xD Probably my smile? I've been told I have a really bright smile. So maybe that. But wait, is that a feature or... just something I do? xD Okay this is confusing. I'm lost, welp.

9. who is your biggest inspiration?

Hmmm. There's many different people to be honest. Carl Sagan is one, Kagaya is another. When I come across people who seem to be at peace with themselves, I yearn to become like them one day. I think an life where there is time and energy to appreciate the world and existence in itself is a beautiful thing and something I hope to achieve, someday in future.

11. favorite myth?

Ooooooooohhh!! Less of a myth and more of a legend tbh xD But Tanabata! Something about those lovers in the heavens meeting once a year tugs at my sappy romantic heart T^T For this reason when I find time to stargaze, the first stars I always try to spot are Altair, Deneb and Vega.

12. when was the last time you were truly angry?

Hmm. Maybe... two weeks ago. Yeah. I was pretty angry then.

13. best compliment you've ever received?

._. Oh, well... recently I received an ask where an anon told me they weren't able to feel much, but that VBEOW helps them feel again, and that it comforts them and takes them to another world. To be honest that touched me so much; it is for the exact same reason that I write VBEOW at all, and to know that those feelings reached someone else struggling similarly, was really good to hear. I consider that a compliment haha, it brought me to tears xD

38. what is your love language?

I'd like to say, acts of giving, reassurance, and physical touch. I think I'm someone who likes to give--and given the opportunity and time, I give a lot, too--but I'm very big on the other two as well. They are important for me. :3

69. favorite song?

LMAO anna, the fact that this question is number 69 of all things cracked me up hahahahaha xD I had half a mind to inject a very very bedroom song here xD

But! I'll say, atm my favourite song is Fighter - Fay Wildhagen, for... reasons xD Been listening to it non-stop for a while now, for... reasons xD It's a very good song btw T^T Everything I like in a piece!

Thank you so much for asking, Anna, and I'm so sorry I got to this late, but I appreciate your interest, really I do T^T I wish you a productive day and good vibes today :3

[daisys-reality]

hello there daisy I hope that you are having a gooday so far today & is staying safe

I am giving you this little ask of mine because I wanted to ask of you to see if you could possbily show me in a lovely tarot reading of yours when & how I will enter the void state

bc I am currently trying to manifest myself to just randomly wake up in the void state & I am ngl I am having quite the trouble manifesting my desired scenario to come to fruition within the 3d

I just really want to enter it already & manifest my dream life & than after that just respawn to my wr & forever leave this disgusting universe

I am kinda getting sick & tired of dealing with these struggles rn & I would really prefer if I didn't have to deal with them at all

like the struggles that I am currently dealing with atm is just lack of trust, belief, faith, fear & doubts ect

I have many more problems that I'm dealing with that's just a few of them that I have pointed out

its just making things way more harder for me than it needs to be & I hate that so sm

i just wanna get things over with & just completely end my suffering

but I can't do that if I am dealing with this

so please tell me there is actually something good at the end of the tunnel for me bc I don't want to deal with these problems of mine anymore

also if you can you please add any random messages within the reading if there are any about me & my void state journey plz & thank you

btw I saw the angel number 1212 while I was making this ask for you

thought that I would tell you

Oh dear... I know its been already some time since I received this asked, so perhaps you already realized your plans. Even if not, I hope you're doing fine.

Regarding your tarot reading request, I will gladly do a reading for you. Perhaps it's not necessary anymore but I'll do it just in case. ^^

Is there something good at the end of the tunnel for you? How and when will you enter the void state? + Advice from beings who love you dearly :

. I see that your health, especially your mental health, will drastically improve. You will gain peace of mind through mental clarity. You will be able to give yourself the guidance you so desperately seek. You will set boundaries for yourself about what you allow to reach you. You decide what you believe and what doesn't serve you. You will be strict about it and it will keep you on your throne, unbothered and confident. You will be the sole ruler of your earthly experience.

. To be honest, I don't think you will necessarily enter 'the void state'. I feel like there is something else you will do.

. If your first reaction while reading this was to get extremely worried, don't. There is no need to worry. This message is coming in strongly. Someone is trying to assure you about that. What you need to do is to release the parts of your past that feel like heavy baggage that you still keep carrying. Your mind desperately needs release. That's where all the worries and confusion and desperation is stemming from. Forgive your past self and accept what lies in the past to move on to a new life free from (emotional) burdens.

. This might be a bit random but I had this vision of a girl who has a little bird who is still learning to fly but is seemingly too scared to try. The girl is stuck in a life threatening situation and only the bird can help her out but only if it flies. She doesn't want to let the bird know about here worries because she doesn't want to unnecessarily pressure the little one more than it already does itself. So, instead the girl tries to be strong and patient and puts on a smile despite her burdens; she gives the bird all the love and assurance that it needs so that it becomes stronger and stronger, day by day. Nurtured by this love and trust the bird starts believing in itself, feeling assured enough to leave its comfort space and successfully tries to fly. "Finally", the girl thinks while tears of joy and relief stream down her face. The girl has put her trust in the bird and kept going no matter how long it would take, no matter how dark her current situation was. In the end, the girl was so glad she did. Nothing could ever compare to the joy she felt in that moment. Finally freedom.

. You are the girl and the bird is your inner self. Learn to trust yourself and give yourself the love and time to be able to freely "to try to fly" regardless of fears and doubts. Pressure won't do you good, it will only paralyse you. Take care of yourself as you would with a baby bird. 🧡🌷

. Also, there is strong emphasis on how you have to choose your connections wisely. Only spend time with people that uplift you and bring you joy. Spending happy moments with others and spoiling yourself/fulfilling your needs is a key element in reaching your goal. Things are going in the right direction when you feel like the path you're on is making you happy. If it doesn't, you might have to rethink your decision/path. There are many options for you to be successful. Trust your instinct. You want to be happy, right? Like truly truly happy? Then, I'm sure you know exactly what to do to reach this state of bliss. 🐦🪹☀️

🚫 I DO NOT ACCEPT TAROT READING REQUESTS RIGHT NOW. 🚫

[ninasbooknook]

vent post 🫶🏼 (tw skin picking, ocd, anxiety, mention of blood)

2 weeks ago i started taking adhd medication. this is my first time on this type of medication so i expected some new side effects but i feel like my mental health has changed sort of drastically since i started taking them. i have had a past of OCD traits but i have never been tested. i have an anxiety disorder and i haven’t been fully diagnosed but i am taking medication for that and my depression.

so my anxiety has spiked since taking the adhd medication. before the medication i was actually doing really well with anxiety and depression. i hadn’t had that general anxiety feeling in a long time. and then it came back. yk that feeling where you feel anxious/worried but you don’t have anything in particular that you’re worried about? that’s what i mean by “general anxiety feeling”. so that was one of the first signs of my anxiety spiking bc it was just there. i could sense it. next was the nausea. i have different feelings of nausea and i have been able to label all of them over the years. the nausea i have been feeling is my well known anxiety nausea. again, there was nothing making me worried. although i was starting to get a little worried around this time because i was really struggling with communication so it was hard to tell people how i was feeling. it’s made my social life really hard. but i wasn’t necessarily overthinking this when i got that anxiety nausea. next was the obsession with my fingers. i could not stop picking the skin around my nails. i hate the little bits of skin that stick out. it looked bad and it made me uncomfortable somehow. so i’d pick it. and i’d pick it again and again until all my fingers had scabs/infection or were bleeding. i felt so bad. i didn’t want to keep picking but i couldn’t help it. even though it made me feel worse for picking my skin, it make me feel a bit better. it relieves some of the anxiety. that’s how i felt at least. it was a distraction from the things around me. i realised i actually liked the pain sometimes. this worried me. i’m not the type of person that hurts themselves as a coping mechanism. but the pain felt good. like i deserved it.

i started using the app “i am sober”. it’s been sort of helpful. so today i was so close to reaching the 3rd day milestone. i was so proud of myself. at school i planned with my bf to go to his house. one, because i love hanging out with him and two, i never feel anxious at his house and atm i’ve been opting for the ��stress-free” option ofc. turns out i couldn’t come over. i was really disappointed but i sucked it up and went home. me and my bf were kind of pissed and i felt like he was a bit annoyed at me which didn’t make me feel any better (he wasn’t annoyed at me btw). i get home and i remember that i broke a nail at school and my nails are uneven now. as much as i’ve been trying to avoid going anywhere near my finger nails, i realise my finger nails are getting in the way of my mouse pad giving my finger tips a weird feeling.

fast forward 3 hours. i spent 3 fucking hours, trimming, cutting and filing my nails. i picked at the sides of my fingers with the nail clippers trying to remove any dead skin that might show up later (which i hate). i attempted to remove my cuticles because i just couldn’t get them even. i picked at the side of one of my fingers so much it began to bleed. i hated myself. i realised then that i’d lost my streak of not picking my skin. i had been doing so well and then i ruin it all. which is untrue, i didn’t really ruin it all. but that’s how i felt. still, i kept picking. it had been around 2 hours and i hadn’t even finished a whole hand of fingers. by 3 hours i’d completed one hand. the only thing that stopped me from continuing my picking was the call that dinner was being served and after dinner my bf called me. he knew i wasn’t ok. i wanted to leave the call but he begged me to stay. i can’t say no to him. the feeling that i need to finish the other hand is still lingering in the back of my mind but i don’t want to upset or disappoint my bf.

tonight i felt like hurting myself. there were scissors on my bed i used on my nails earlier. i imagined what it would feel like on my skin. i hate myself for admitting that i was going to hurt myself if my bf wasn’t on the phone with me at the time. i pray i wouldn’t have been brave enough to do it anyway. i felt like i deserved it. to be in pain.

anyways my lovely bf made me feel better just be being there. we didn’t talk, he listened to me and when i stopped talking we sat in silence. but he was there and that’s what matters. if we wasn’t there i might have done something id extremely regret. i also think i might have had a panic attack if he wasn’t there to calm me down. i love him 🫶🏼

i realised later that when i wanted to go to my bf's house it was like my body was warning me that the anxiety was going to be bad. that the picking was going to be bad. it's not bad at his house so my brain wanted to go there. maybe i'm reading into this too much but the way i felt when i realised ii couldn't go to his house wasn't just disappointment. it was worry and stress. i felt like i needed to go to his house.

if you read all of this, bless your heart 😭🫶🏼 if you have any similar experiences or thoughts on this lmk!! could this be ocd or is it something else?

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 - nina's book nook 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

[melodybottles]

hello and happy holidays everypony!

i have nothing to do at work at the moment. let's talk about art bc i've been thinking about it a lot lately and particularly have been struggling! which is a shame bc i've had the drive to draw lately, but haven't been able to put things down on paper the way i've wanted to.

first and foremost i have still not finished sorting all my CSP assets. lol. lmao even. (i've even returned to downloading MORE, thus making the problem continuously worse for myself). when i finally do that the palette tests WILL get done.... someday.................... but unfortunately that day is not today. certainly i could already start using it, but unfortunately i'm a very organised person to the point of perhaps neurotic overorganisation so i NEED things very meticulously sorted into folders. relatedly on the topic of brushes i've also been really dissatisfied with any of my SAI ones so that's been A Struggle

SECOND OF ALL. actually this is primarily wanted to make this post about bc i wanted to lay this out and discuss it so that my friends don't have to hear me whining in dms anymore -- i've mentioned over the past several months my style has been kind of experimental, right? well. i'm at the point where i'm deeply unsatisfied with my style as a whole atm </3 and it's not even like my art style is bad by any means! i enjoy a lot of what i've put out over the past several months. but i'm really dissatisfied with my work because there are a lot of elements i want to include that i can't quite get a grasp on!

it's like.... i want something stylised. but i don't want something too stylised. but i don't want something realistic. but i want something with more realistic proportions. but also i do like doing the stylised limbs. but also. i want variety to my work but still enough consistency where you can tell it's mine. i want to figure something out that's able to integrate drawing fat people easily into it. i want to learn how to draw older characters and make sure i settle on a style that grants me the ability to do that too. i want to do art like this and like that and i have soooo many things i want to do with it that i see from other artists it just makes me kind of shut down and struggle LMAO

basically i want a lot of things! and some of them contradict each other </3 art is hard folks

[vro0m]

Hi! I think there's not actually much of a reason for the difference between lewis and george today in the sense that it doesn't seem to be a car/set-up etc issue and more of a lewis thing. he said he couldn't extract the performance from the car and he wasn't feeling confident (which there are probably reasons for but I feel like only lewis will know those) and also added that the set ups weren't that different for him and George and George being p3 meant that there is performance in the car which George did well to get out, so I think today was just a bad day at the office for him. He consistently lost time in sector 1 but matched George through the rest of the sectors I think but again I think it might just be a confidence issue. everyone has bad days and I really just think this was one of those for lewis. And I don't think its a permanent thing either, I feel its probably just a matter of time before he figures it out and gains the confidence that he needs and he seemed quite happy after the race last week (when he fought Fernando) so it might just be one of those human moments ygm?

I don't know if this made any sense or if it really answered the question (not that I am an expert on racing or lewis, this is just me extrapolating from what I saw in interviews)! Anyway hoping for a good race tomorrow and starting 7th doesn't necessarily spell doom for lewis, he might figure things out as the race goes on and end the weekend on a higher note than he did today, I think it'll depend on what he thinks of his own performance in the race

Yes but precisely! What is the Lewis thing. What's up. What's going on. Where's the lack of confidence coming from. I find it uncharacteristic.

(Well actually not that much, now that I think about it... He used to get in his head pretty easily... Maybe it is just down to that...? It would also make sense with George... Because even though they're not doing great it's still better than before for George, when it's worse than before for Lewis...)

Also, although I have precisely zero doubts that it's not permanent, it's realistically not a one time thing when we take last year into account. I know he tried more extreme things with his car than George but they also said he stopped after a while, and George still did better than him in the second half of the season, didn't he? (I was wrong about that, see this post for a fact-checking!)

It will get better, but I still would find it kinda strange if he couldn't get a better performance than that out of this particular car. Like if it took the car performing differently for him to perform better, I mean great, but mmmh 🤔 especially with him not being able to pinpoint what it is that he's struggling with when it comes to it compared to George. He knows what the issues are with the car generally aka why it's not a good car but he can't seem to figure out why George is still able to drive it faster than him. It's curious.

But yeah generally I was just saying it's puzzling, I don't think we'll ever get an actual answer about it. Even if he found it, it's really none of our business, I don't think he or Merc would ever explain it to the public.

(But yeah actually maybe the difference between them atm. Is just down to a mental block type of thing. Idk. I will keep it in mind.)

[system-of-a-feather]

Im doing a cool down bike to top off exercise today so Im kinda just gonna ramble about DID shit I am thinking about atm so feel free to sit down and chat or read or scroll or whatever cause flow of consciousness time

But honestly I sometimes forget how bizarre an unorthodox our choice of living with DID is cause we aren't aiming for functional multiplicity traditionally cause we very much do want to fuse but at this point we don't want to do final fusion cause Riku and I don't think we could evenly attend to the breath of our interests as a single unit cause we are so fucking opposing and both of us have so many interests that we already struggle to attend to independently and all

So we essentially are firmly aiming for living a functional double life. (open to more should other parts want a part of the permacake too but we've yet to see it) And its normalized for us cause weve been doing this for like two years now, but sometimes I just think about it as the unique situation and lifestyle it is and just go "Huh."

Cause what with all the changes im life going on, we haven't been able to set a proper rhythm so I've had much less time to properly be out and so while driving I was grumbling to myself about it in a like relieved manner cause we are starting to re-establish it and all

But an important thing about this whole dynamic is you really have to build an understanding that sometimes, particularly in times of change and transition, the whple balance is prone to getting totally offskew and thats just how it be

But the silverlining and base thing that supports that understanding and necessary tolerance is the general trust and understanding that your body partner and good other will 1) uphold your life and hobbies to the best of their ability and try to make for you and 2) that things will return to balance again when things hit a new normal

Cause honestly its been three months or so since Ive been able to properly think and make plans as to shit I want to implement in our life and I've been shoved into a more protector role than a host and I'm finally able to go "Hey Riku Im going to do this" cause I havent been out enough during free time to actually think on that crap

Its nice now that we are getting there but it really is part of how this shit works and so its a dynamic to say the least.

Call it gay or whatever but I appreciate Riku. They make a good other.

Now with that said *clicks pen* Data has asked me to make them a program to pick up dancing so I got that project to work on

-XIV

[didnt-hear-idsb-live-again]

Taylor's parasocialism is a rare-rity because most artists I have supported in my life I just love their music and their music got me through things and I don't have to know their mind to feel less alone. Maybe I'm weird. I appreciate Chappell drawing that boundary and reminding people of being fond of someone's music or story does not mean you know their mind and their personal life. As a creative person myself I can appreciate needing a boundary between what you created and you're private life. The lines may get blurry but having some things just for yourself is great.

Do you think this is due to her diaristic style of writing?

I think the statement “if you give an inch, they take a mile” is true in a lot of thing’s related to this. I’ve had a few other parasocial relationships with music. One was with Adam Lambert, and a large part of that was because he shared a lot about his life and friends and touring crew and, to a lonely loser of a 14 year old, it gave me something to feel like I was a part of, which was all reasonably normal if you remove the Lore of this that I’ve talked about on this blog before but not getting into that atm jdjjdjdksksj especially in the context of a 14 y/o discovering their identity.

The other was with a band called Paradise Fears, and like, similar to a reply on my initial post, they were REALLY open about mental health struggles. Like really really really. They did vlogs like Taylor and performed in fans houses and all stuff like that. And I REALLY thought I knew these people and, despite acting on it normally, it’s quite… odd… to think about in hindsight. Others did not act on it so normally, and I’ve never in my life seen or been able to comprehend anything like what surrounded them before: a band that would’ve had, by todays numbers, probably 70k instagram followers, being demanded things from the way that only the craziest Taylor fans do. And like, I don’t think that would’ve happened had they simply…. Shared less. Which sucks.

Don’t remember where I was going with this but yeah there’s some tangentially related anecdotes of mine to further the convo lmao I appreciate your input!

[oniononi2000]

first day back into art studies

i am very nervouxcited today!!! i could just SCREAM!

today is my first foray back into really committing myself to my art studies again. i took break from them because I became extremely overwhelmed with college and knew that I could not mentally focus on both. however, it has been 2 weeks since i have graduated and I feel thoroughly refreshed and ready!!

studying can be really hard for me cause i find myself wanting to design the most min-maxed ultimate schedule ever but that is just SO not realistic for me. for starters, it takes me a while to start tasks and it is really hard to stay on task, the old study schedules i would make were super idealistic and unrealistic. like 8-12 hours of studying a day level unrealistic(you don't even really pick up info as deeply after like 4 anyways so..literally wasting time so less efficient when you think about it?) not to mention since i'd schedule myself completely full, for weeks out in advance, i would inevitably not live up to these schedules and have to shift my whole schedule(also weeks out in advance) + feeling demotivated constantly having to re-arrange my schedule.

after A LOT of trial and error i have found myself able to chew through work slightly better by scheduling lots of varied things for smaller increments of time. i also set a limit so i dont spend all day trying to study(emphasis on trying, because i definitely won't ACTUALLY do that. just flip flop between studying and worrying about not studying) n e ways. i still find myself easily getting distracted and also spending a lot of time just choosing where to start, so i have been trying pomodoro timers to see if that helps. so far it has been helpful but i have only used it for a few days currently. something about the small small dedicated blocks of working helps me refocus(which helps prevent me from spending 5ever picking what to start).

so yea, i have made a weekly study guide that just goes over general things for the week, like things i'd like to practice each day and then a few projects. it's about a year long atm, i will update it with future studies when i get there lololol i use this week by week guide to help me with my daily calendar. which is just awesome for me, the less on the spot decision making i have to do the better. another thing i found that would make it hard for me to study consistently is trying to plan my studies out for the day just as i went along. i tried that after the 8+ hour study regimen (basically swinging too hard the other way) and found myself stuck in decision paralysis day after day. so i am now doing a slightly planned but much more flexible schedule now?? and so far it has been great. just again, struggle with staying focused. but that is what the pomodoro timer is for(and like i said so far so good)

i have a lot of high hopes, because even with my crazy studying journey and total inconsistency, i STILL SAW tons of personal progress and development. so i know once i get back into it and stick with it i will see the gainz again and since i dont have to worry about college i have way more free time now!!

i might post some of my old study work + new study work, but no guarantee, it highkey depends on how im feeling!! i dont want posting to become the focus of these studies either, i worry ill become perfectionist in my studies

so yeah!! the agenda today is some simple volume drawings + simplify from observation project with a sprinkle of blender donut tutorial study work later. being week 1 of this new study-venture i am keeping it easy and building up to more intense studies + exercises

i'm done rambling for now, i am looking forward to taking this step forward on my journey!!!