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shackledkitty · 7 months ago

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Small (?) rant about Mob Psycho 100 and autism, because it's something I feel strongly about.

I just want to say before I say anything, this is just how I see MP100 in my personal view as an autistic person, and my experiences as an autistic person. So this is (obviously) very opinion based, something to keep in mind while reading.

I am someone with autism who, for the most part, used to feel a strong resentment towards myself being autistic. I was not diagnosed until my early high school years, so I just thought I was weird. No one really, ever, liked me in school at all, mostly because I kept to myself and aspired not to draw attention to myself. When watching MP100 a month or two ago, I could find myself really attached to the characters experiences. In my opinion, the psychic powers or telepathy is representative of a neurodiversity. This shows in how each person with ESP has powers which are different from eachother.

With Serizawa, it was the character in my first watch of MP100 that drew me in. He is a esper who found himself scared of how his powers would affect other people, especially people he loves like his Mother. Serizawa found himself staying inside and indulging in his interests all day. Even going as far as to never leave his room, because it's hinted at that he'd have breakdowns when leaving - finding his room to be his only safe place. Though he was easily manipulated into leaving his room by someone stronger than him, causing Serizawa to use an umbrella as sort of a comfort item. It's shown that he'd get extremely anxious without his umbrella during his initial 'fight' with Mob after he had it briefly knocked away from him.

Relating Serizawa's behaviors to my own experiences made me feel a lot more connected to the show in general. A lot of the time before being diagnosed, I knew a lot of people with autism, and a lot of these people were low functioning. In these people, I saw my own behaviors and, by how my friends at the time reacted to those behaviors, I'd associated them with negative things. Often times, so no one would see me exhibit these behaviors, I would keep myself in my room all day. Only leaving when absolutely necessary. Whenever someone would enter my room unannounced, and this is something I still somewhat do, I would make sure to put away anything I was doing as quickly as possible. Now going onto Serizawa's umbrella, when I first got diagnosed, I was using a similar thing when at school to help me focus. I would have to have a specific pair of fingerless gloves, or I wouldn't be able to focus. I got in trouble for this numerous times and no one ever defended me, eventually someone in my house threw them away without my knowledge. Serizawa as a character, in relation to my autism, I can see my own breakdowns and how they affect me in Serizawa's.

Mob is probably the most obvious character to discuss in relation to autism in MP100, and this is exhibited in the fandom beliefs of other autistic people as well. While describing Mob, I am going to seperate Mob from '???', because I feel that the '???' state can be used as a separate example for neurodiversity in this topic.

Shigeo as a character is presented as gullible, in this way you can see a similarity to Serizawa in vulnerability. Multiple times throughout MP100, Mob gets swindled by people; Reigen tricks him into thinking that he's a psychic (like Mob himself), the telepathy club -attempt- to convince him to join the club through multiple means, a girl tricks him into thinking that she has a crush on him (which he rejects), at one point - multiple people convince him that he's popular, a group of guys convince him that they're a girl writing a love note to him, e.t.c... I could go on and on. Due to Reigen, Mob is taught that he is to never use psychic powers against other people, a good message in itself: don't inflict violence against others. But this results in Mob bottling up all emotions (or times he could've used his psychic powers against others) causing his '100%' bar to steadily rise - always ending in some sort of emotional breakdown. Sometimes he acts in violence, but I think some of the easier to resonate with scenes are when he starts having an emotional overflow. For example, at the end of the first Teruki Hanazawa fight, Mob is not longer in the post 100% state and regrets using his powers against someone else: ending in him simply sobbing.

The way Mob shows a lack of emotions throughout the earlier sectors of the series is reminiscent of how I would behave. Mostly throughout my life, I would not start confrontations or show strong emotions. But whenever I would get overwhelmed or overstimulated, I would become easily violent and, like Mob, found myself unavailable to process what I was saying until it had already came out my mouth. I would only regret it much later, but even if I did regret it, I wouldn't let anyone know I did and the cycle would repeat.

To wrap up this post, I'm not saying that every character who is an esper has specifically autism. Some characters without ESP remind me of myself in elements like Reigen or Shinji Kamuro and there's some characters with ESP where I cannot relate any personal experiences with autism with, such as characters like Miyagawa in claw. MP100, as a show and manga, helped me realize that it doesn't really matter that I have autism. It's just kind of that thing that's just there and, yeah, it affects my life in important ways, but it also can have positive effects in some places. Like being able to survive down and write this post with the amount of dedication I had, because it's something I feel strongly about.

I fully welcome anyone to add on anything in relation to MP100 and neurodiversity, I would very much like to expand my opinions and hear other people's experiences with autism and parallels they can see.

#mp100 serizawa #mp100 #mp100 shigeo #mob psycho 100 #autism #neurodiversity

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roo-bastmoon · 2 years ago

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Incredibly lucky to even be here

I just realized, exactly one year ago today (May 11th) I was diagnosed with endometrial stromal sarcoma and given less than a 34% chance of survival. I'm incredibly, miraculously lucky to be well and cancer-free today. I owe that to my amazing doctors, and also in a small way to BTS.

The moment I got told I had cancer, I immediately decided to only entertain thoughts of complete health and victory. It was a pure and immediate defense mechanism and I stuck to it. So no sad songs or movies or TV shows. No online drama. No negative nellies or naysayers. No stressful projects at work. No arguments, no entanglements, no regrets.

For months, I would focus only on laughter and quality time with loved ones and things that brought me joy, even as I had to deal with practical stuff like creating a will and a pet trust and filling out life insurance forms and undergoing test and surgeries.

BTS (and Jimin, as my "recruiter") gave me moments of grace and beauty and art and warmth and giggles--and kind ARMYs gave me a sense of belonging and community, especially during a dark and terrifying time, when in the quiet of the early morning hours, the sense that my own body was my worst enemy would eat at all my mental defenses. I could switch on my phone, go to the timeline, and ARMY and BTS would be there.

If I seem to be very Pollyanna-ish or boringly polite these days, it's because I decided one year ago to focus on what I want instead of giving energy to what I don't. I know bad things are very real and they need to be confronted--of course! But I also know that depression, anger, and fear can erode the myelin sheath wrapped around our nerve endings and weaken the walls in the chambers of our hearts; that toxic emotions can bleach our hair of color and rob our nails and skin of suppleness; that negativity can lengthen our immuno-response times to bruises and cuts.

So if other folks get a thrill, a hit of adrenaline, from drama and trash talking in our fandom, more power to them, I guess. It must serve them in some way I don't understand. Me? I find meanness and pettiness draining and damaging. So I'll never do that. I'll never rudely call someone out in public or go on their blog to rant or snipe openly about members or fellow ARMY. I will just keep myself to myself and do my best to be authentic and kind and hard working.

Doesn't always work. I'm human. I will absolutely make mistakes (case in point--the campaign idea yesterday that could have really harmed Jimin. I didn't think about all the consequences and I'm so grateful to the people who patiently set me straight.) Please know that if you ever feel strongly I'm going in the wrong direction, you can always speak to me--I'll ask a million questions, I'll hear you out, and I'll try to be flexible in my mindset. You don't have to hide behind throw-away accounts or talk to others about me. I will do my best to always be kind and act in good faith with everyone. (But I'll likely still make some mistakes, because my intentions are good but I myself am not perfect.)

By and large, I feel I'm just really astronomically lucky to be here. I know the kind of cancer I had is very sneaky and could come back at any time. So how I spend my time left in this life matters to me. I want to be a source of good in the world, help other people, experience bliss and celebrate good things. I don't want to be selfish or destructive. If I start to go that way, I know good friends will gently call me back.

Like BTS, I want to connect with people and help build something worthy. So if you're on board with that, let's be friends. And if you're not, let's part amicably.

I just... figured I should probably say that... out loud. So that's that on that.

Love you guys,

Roo

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mbti-notes · 16 days ago

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Anon wrote: Hi, i had a question regarding my 19yo friend. She was typed as an INFP then ENFJ on 16p, although i had doubts because i don’t trust that website, i believe she’s an ENFJ with Fe issues and a undeveloped Ni.

She is strongly affected by what happens in the « external » world, like for exemple today someone was pushed on the railway when a train was coming and everyone was shocked, which is completely normal. But she had a huge meltdown, she bursted in tears when she started to think about how everyone must have felt, how the relatives of the victim will feel, how the victim himself will feel if he survives, and was heavily overwhelmed. As an ENFJ myself i thought the same, and i felt uneasy, but i was able to distance myself from the whole situation. She on the other hand, started to feel really sick and say things like « life isn’t worth living in a world where things like this happen » like very dark thoughts and a long rant about the world in general, about a massive fear of death due to previous experiences, about how she felt out of touch with reality.

Generally speaking, she has a huge problem with the concept of reality. She told me that she just couldn’t accept the fact that things were as they are although she was aware of it, that she felt as such she had two personalities : one who was really pessimistic and in tune with reality and another who was trapped in a bubble where she dismissed all of it. She couldn’t accept that we lived in a world were such atrocious stuffs were happening everywhere, and has an extreme ideal of saving the whole world on her own.

I told her that although she was aware of it she seemed to not accept it, and that it may be a huge part of the problem. I also told her that that ideal was just out of reach, and listed the reasons, and she told me that although she knew she just felt like she just had to try harder.

I also noticed that she could be really judgmental with people, while she was explaining to me that she was frustrated that they weren’t aware of the state of the world and couldn’t « use their brain properly » that they were « dumb ». She seems to hold unreasonable standards of people in general, a recent exemple is her last relationship where she basically made a contract with her ex, listing everything she was expecting from him and that he had to sign, and when he stopped to fulfill those conditions she dumped him. She only seeks him when she needs attention and when me and a friend explained to her that it was unhealthy because of the unreasonable standards and the fact that she wanted to him to constantly support her emotionally, but she just didn’t get what was wrong even if she recognized that she shouldn’t engage in a relationship in that state of mind.

So i wanted to know what could explain it in her stacks and how to help her to be more aware of it ? As i said i think acceptance plays a huge role, and that it could be related to an underdeveloped Ni (also with the fact that she seems too involved with the external world and not enough with her inner world + that she seems to judge people solely on external factors). She also showed signs of loops and grips (that perhaps could explain her « two personalities » and extreme high and lows in general).

I hope i provided enough infos, thanks for reading allat !

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I'm not entirely clear what you're asking. If this is a question about type assessment, all requests must follow the submission instructions on the contact page, otherwise, I can't do a proper analysis. The info you've provided isn't as relevant to type as you believe it is.

What you're mainly describing is emotional immaturity, which is a separate issue from type, and an issue that anyone of any type can suffer. And judgmentalness is a common symptom of emotional immaturity. Sure, different types may express emotional immaturity somewhat differently depending on the functions involved. However, if all you see/know about them is their emotional immaturity, I guarantee that you won't have enough info to do an accurate assessment. A lot of people mistype themselves because they equate emotional immaturity to this or that function, when the two need to be examined separately.

You've made a few points in an effort to convince me of ENFJ. My way of doing type assessment aims for certainty, I don't like to guess. I thoroughly argue for and against all 16 types in order to determine the right answer. I won't draw a conclusion unless I'm quite confident. The points you've presented aren't enough to arrive at confidence, let alone certainty, for example:

(1) "Not being able to accept reality" is usually a good indicator of N. But beware that this has to be a long-term recurring pattern, not just a one-off situational thing. Experiencing extreme circumstances or repeatedly encountering negative events can be difficult for anyone of any type to accept. There needs to be other evidence in support of N, especially the N method of processing info (i.e. the cognitive component).

(2) Being too involved with the external world to the detriment of one's inner world is a weak argument by itself because it's easy to rebut with common exceptions to the rule. For example, some introverts (such as ISFP or INFJ involved in politics) can care very deeply about what's going on in the external world, and anxiety about negative events can certainly make them appear as though they are too involved. Another example rebuttal: one could argue that extraverts should have a better time accepting/adapting to the external world, so the fact that she can't might indicate she's not E. I'm not saying she's E or I; I'm saying that this point alone isn't sufficient for being certain. You'll need much more evidence of E/I than this.

(3) Yes, it's generally true that a person suffering from chronic loop and grip problems can appear to have "two personalities". She mentioned "delusional" versus "pessimistic", but this isn't helpful for type assessment. Neither of these is healthy, so on what basis can we determine the functional axes? The "two personalities" should actually denote the healthy vs unhealthy sides of the personality. For the dominant and auxiliary functions, there must be some evidence of normal and healthy function use, which even the most emotionally immature people should still express at times. You haven't provided this info, so nothing more to do on this point.

(4) Perhaps you mean to say that her "worrying" and "savior complex", in part, counts as a healthy expression of Fe because it shows her care for others and society. That may or may not be true, but it doesn't guarantee ENFJ. While a savior complex is most often associated with xNFJ, there are other types who are known to exhibit it as well, e.g., ENFP, ENTP, ESTP, ESTJ, ENTJ, INTJ. You say she feels very deeply about the suffering of others, which indicates a high capacity for emotional empathy, but that isn't necessarily Fe. Some of the most empathetic people I've ever known were ENFP. I'm not saying she is any of these types; I'm saying that there's not enough info provided to rule out all the other types, which is a necessary step in the type assessment process.

Yes, you are right to not trust websites that only use simple tests. If you want to use tests properly, you must recognize and accept their limitations. They can only offer you an approximation at best. As you can see by the arguments I made above, typing people accurately is a complex matter because human psychology is far more complicated than any test can capture. It's also a cause for suspicion when you think she's the same type as you, since all people are prone to projection when evaluating others.

If your question is really about how to help your friend, I'm afraid there's not much I can say. First, you can't really do much to help someone who doesn't believe they need help or doesn't want help. You can't force people to change when they're not ready or willing.

Second, emotionally immature people are highly prone to faulty emotional reasoning. A person who isn't basing their judgments/beliefs on facts and logic isn't going to be responsive to facts and logic. In other words, you can't argue with people's feelings. You can't actually invalidate people's feelings. People feel what they feel and there's no stopping them from feeling.

If your friend were to come to me directly to express that they wanted to become more emotionally mature, that would be a different story. Being able to acknowledge a problem is the important first step for personal growth, but it sounds like she's not there yet. There are plenty of ways to improve one's emotional intelligence, which I've written about before and I've recommended books about it as well. It's a solvable problem, with some self-work.

This doesn't mean there's absolutely nothing you can do. I'm only warning that your help might not be very effective when it isn't wanted. The best thing you can do is continue to be a good friend. Being a good friend involves many things, and one of the most important tasks a friend can take on is to always tell the truth.

Telling the truth is a very tricky matter, in terms of communication. When the way you tell the truth is too blunt or injuring, it can backfire and make people double down on their faulty beliefs. However, if you're able to communicate the truth in an objective, impartial, matter-of-fact, and caring way, people will generally be more receptive. In other words, you can't come across as a threat or having any kind of ulterior motive.

If you are correct about ENFJ and the need for Ni development, then the cognitive ability she needs to develop involves learning how to adjust her perspective. Actually, learning how to reframe one's perspective is generally a good way to deal with many psychological maladies, including anxiety and depression. Her view of things is much too small and simple-minded due to the emotional immaturity. Anything you can do to encourage her to shift her perspective closer to objective truth would be helpful in the long run. (However, this assumes you are in greater possession of the truth than she is.)

Helping stubborn people is difficult. It involves repeatedly seeding helpful ideas to them in subtle ways, until they start to shift. It could take one or two conversations, or it could take years and years of conversations. If you want to keep having those conversations with her, then do so, but you have to manage your expectations. Be patient and don't expect immediate results.

#assessment #helping #emotional immaturity #ask

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cedarnommer · 8 months ago

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This is a small rant about my relationship with being ace.

For a long time, I've assumed that ace people must be ones that don't feel sexual and romantic attraction. I understood this in a very strict binary. And that's why I've always assumed that I'm not ace.

During my puberty and my adulthood pre-HRT, I was swamped with testosterone (my levels were almost above the expected amounts for males). As a result, I was incredibly horny all the time. I knew that I experienced some romantic feelings, though the way I experience them is more complicated.

When I took t-blockers last year, my libido was finally killed off. And with it, I realized that the way I experience and understand attraction is a lot more complicated. This is also the time that I finally started wondering what ace meant.

I figured out I'm autistic this year thanks to some wonderful friends. Those same friends I later asked about what it means to be ace, as I wasn't sure of it myself. Once they told me that this isn't a strongly defined binary of feeling attraction or not feeling attraction, I realized that I might be comfortable with saying I'm ace in some ways.

There's a few things that I know for certain. Because I'm autistic, I really struggle with processing and understanding emotions, both my own and those of others. With the partner I've been dating for many years now, it's taken me up until last year to finally understand I have intense feelings for him. My emotions weren't strong enough for me to be aware. In part thanks to the estrogen, my feelings have heightened up enough that I could finally realize this situation.

I also have a disconnect between what I can fantasize in my mind, versus how I experience it physically. My little sexual experience so far in my life has really shown me that. I do feel some emotions during that, but the emotions aren't related to the sexual act itself. It's difficult to explain, but I'm emotionally disconnected from the physical things themselves. Even things like kissing are complicated to me. Perhaps this is just the disconnect I have with my feelings and my body, but it means that I don't really experience physical sexuality in a typical way.

I'm also definitely demi. I'm very afraid of people and being touched can feel unpleasant for me. So I really need time to adjust to a person. I need to know they're safe. I need to memorize their scent. If I don't, I can feel outright repulsion and disgust and really big fear.

I'm not really sure how I'd define where I fall on the ace spectrum, but I understand better that I don't have a conventional understanding of sexuality. Lately, I've explored sexuality through pet play and have found it to both be easier and more fun for me. There's a lot of scary things about the physical, with all the senses and trust involved. I think having a means to erase the need to think about those things can be nice.

All of this is to say, I feel comfortable that I'm ace in some way. And I really hope that's okay.

#ace #asexual #actually autistic #transblr

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ethanhuntfemmefatale · 1 year ago

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I feel like you’re the only other person in the world who is as intrigued by the ethan/claire/jim dynamic as I am. It drives me crazy! I love that ethan, who is portrayed as a pretty flawless guy (he just cares TOO much) in the later movies gets this like crazy quirk of being in love with his father figure/boss’s wife and I love that you’re not always sure how much is manipulation and how much is genuine every time they interact. Severely underrated. Anyway loved the fic!

anon i am so so glad that you loved the fic and i am so glad to hear from another person fascinated by the ethan/claire/jim fuckery. (incidentally being a fellow ethan/claire/jim interested individual entitles you automatically to friend status should you so desire)

your ask touches on some things and it's giving me the urge to rant so please forgive me cause im probably about to get very off topic. I just love your point about the way that ethan (who is so steadfastly heroic in later movies!) starts out with this massive, like, to lean into the MI1 religious imagery, sin. And that sin isn't resolved in any satisfactory way--both of the people involved die, and no one is left alive who even knows what really happened, and this makes me feel rabid to think about. (Luther saw the cheek kiss, but has no context for it, and I feel strongly that Ethan has never told him anything else about that. I really think Ethan never breathes a word to anyone about Jim, Claire or Max. Kittridge is probably the closest to being able to infer some of the details, he knows Ethan loved Jim, he knows about Max's "entrapment," but he's too much of a self-absorbed bureaucrat to give a shit.)

But back to the point about the sin. For my money, Ethan's sin is the heart of MI1. The movie tells us that Ethan's sin is being in love with Claire--but in a queer reading of the movie, it's easy to read into Ethan's interactions with Claire and Jim and infer that his real sin is being in love with both of them, a sin that Jim will never openly acknowledge, but that all three of them are aware of to some degree. Ethan's sin is also portrayed as being...not actually his fault. He doesn't participate in any of Claire's "seduction moments," although from his expression after the cheek kiss IMO you can see that he has strong feelings about them. Ethan's sin is something that is done to him, and regardless of whether or not he wants it, regardless of whether initiates or even participates, he is corrupted by the experience. He's only (to some degree) cleansed by the death of claire, jim and krieger, the only people who knew about what happened.

(one of the reasons I drew from gawain and the green knight in the end of the fic is because--beyond the parallels of jim as the lord going hunting in the woods, claire as the lady going hunting for gawain, ethan as the knight just trying to make it out alive--that's a story that deals heavily in impossible moral tests and loss of agency. And Gawain emerges from it 'fey-touched', fundamentally changed despite the fact that most of what happened to him was unwanted and unavoidable. That's how i feel about ethan at the end of MI1)

It's important to note briefly that I actually don't think of the Claire/Jim/Ethan thing as his only sin in the movie. It's the only one that's remarked on directly, but the whole thing with Max feels like it's presented too similarly to ignore. It's another situation of power differences and emotional and sexual manipulation where Ethan is put in an impossible position and emerges morally corrupted (by the rules of the movie), but victorious.

In a lot of ways, I feel like the sin itself almost serves less as an indictment of Ethan and more as a worldbuilding device. MI1 establishes the world of the IMF really vividly without showing us hardly anything about it! we don't even know what the IMF is really, it doesn't have a headquarters, we don't get to know any other teams outside of the one that dies in the beginning, but the movie renders the world of the IMF through Ethan's relationship with Claire and Jim. I've talked before about the "sea of lies." The thing that made me love MI1 so much in the first place was the specific feeling that is so beautifully evoked, of gradually realizing that everyone you have ever loved wants to use you. That's the IMF! That's spywork, baby! Ethan doesn't realize it in the beginning, but he sure figures it out by the end. it's impossible for ethan to make it out of MI1 without becoming part of the corrupt world of the IMF, the real IMF that Claire and Jim and Kittridge are in, not the fantasy of the team in the opening. (to go back to the green knight metaphor--he has to take the sash in order to live--and even though that means compromising his morals, he's blameless. Corrupt, forever, but blameless.)

despite that--ethan is not the IMF. He believes in Claire. He believes in Luther. He avoids killing. he has an honor code that he sticks to even as he gets deeper and deeper into the sea of lies. that's what makes him the guy we see in the rest of the franchise, that at arguably his most vulnerable point, his most corrupt point, he believed in the people he loved and tried not to hurt anyone. The point of the sin, to me, is that Ethan is forced into the deep end of the murkiest grey moral waters and held underneath, and in the process he sacrifices moral purity for moral integrity and makes it out alive. and the movie doesn't hate him for it. He's a hero.

lots of thoughts for this ask lmfao thank you very much anon for indulging me. and thank you for reading the fic. i am so glad you liked it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#mission impossible #long post #mission impossible 1 #claire phelps #jim phelps #ethan hunt #max mitsopolis #jim phelps evil polycule

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asexual-society · 2 years ago

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tw: brief mentions of trauma related to sex and mentions of genitals (non gendered) , stay safe

hello! for context i realized i'm ace around 3 years ago, and while i definitely feel like the label is fit for me, i also feel like some of my sex-repulsed characteristics, to the point of feeling very scared or disgusted, are also due to my trauma- and i'm not sure how to navigate this. my repulsedness fluctuates, but i'm always scared of irl contact and even touching ~down there~, at least like most people, including some aces do. I'm not sure if this is just the way i'll always be or if there's some healing that can be done in order to be at least more stable, but it is kind of making life inconvenient because i'm trans (ftm) and i'd like to medically transition, if it wasn't for the fact that my parts changing their shape and the way they function sounds very overwhelming and scary, even though i know i'd like to have this and get happy at the thought of me being naturally born with those characteristics i desire. Sorry if it's a bit of a long rant, i'd just like to find some guidance, or perhaps shared experiences with whoever's willing. Have a nice day !

Hey anon!

Sex repulsion as a result of trauma is unfortunately common, regardless of sexuality, and it can suck, especially if it's very extreme and distressing. There are some ways of getting yourself more comfortable and used to sexual subjects, depending on what specific things you are repulsed by, but these things have to be handled delicately and might not be something you can do alone without professional help. Since for a lot of ace people our sex repulsion doesn't affect our day to day lives much if we don't plan on being sexually active, it can be easily avoided without causing too many issues, but with medical transition and surgery which I'm assuming you're talking about, people being in the vicinity of your bits can be harder to avoid.

I would strongly advise you to speak to a therapist about your concerns because they may be able to talk you through your options and solutions better than Unqualified Internet Stranger (who would walk across hot coals before letting another human near their genitals) (they might also be able to point you in the direction of other resources to help you with non-gender-related sex repulsion). It's totally normal to be worried about intimate medical procedures, that's so normal I promise, they can be scary and overwhelming regardless of sex repulsion, and regardless of how positively you feel about the end results. That being said, depending on where you are, I know expressing these concerns to a doctor in places without informed consent (like the UK), or otherwise where they are looking for any excuse to withhold treatment, can be difficult, so if you are able to, speaking to a therapist unrelated to your transition could be another option.

Other than this, speaking to other trans people about their experiences with medical transition will probably be beneficial to you because they can give you first hand advice as well as emotional support. Reddit might be a good place for this if you're looking for advice specific to your geographical region, but there are plenty of blogs on tumblr too ofc.

If anyone has any more advice please feel free to comment, ik this can be a pretty nuanced topic.

Best of luck with your transition though anon, I hope you're doing okay <3

- mod key

#asks #asexual #transgender #mod key #ftm #sex repulsion #genital mention

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bumblewarden · 2 years ago

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!!!!!!!!!! The doodles!!! Are too cute!!!! omg omg The blorbos and babies are all living happily together, and nothing will ever ruin their peace😊 (*stares daggers at the advancing plot*)

But i must hold in until i can properly enthuse about the reunited family. For now, i must respond vaguely in order (<- said while vibrating)

Novhen does in fact indulge in that little protagonist habit of looting everything he can fit into his pockets. Near everything. Okay, i have to admit, i use looting as a bit of a roleplay moment. As notoriously sticky as his fingers may be, he's generally not going to steal from refugees or other impovershed people. He knows what it's like

Also, i am now realizing that i have been neglecting to read Ilanlas's dialogue in a Dalish/Welsh accent 😔 This must be corrected. Oh boy, i am going to have a time flipping through so many different accents lol. There's so many English accents i can't actually tell apart, Brooklyn, Welsh, and because you associated so many country songs with Khêd in that one post, i've been imagining him with a bit of a southern drawl but idk how correct that is

Re: Ilanlas wondering which god the Maker could most likely be besides the one tatted on his face. Novhen is going to respond "Doesn't have to be Elgar'nan. Could be Sylaise for all I know. You're the expert." (Wow, for all the gaps in his knowledge, this city elf still knows a lot more than Ilanlas might expect about the Creators, but i'm sure that's irrelevant :3 )

When Cassandra comes barging in (uninvited might i add), do you think Feign Death would work there XDXDXD No? Oh well, it was worth a shot XD

And i mean, Morrigan learned Sleep in my playthrough. No reason she can't learn it here! I imagine having Sleep cast on you almost nightly for two whole months will continue to fuck with your sleep schedule after that for a while, but he'll surviiiive

If Khêd ever takes an opportunity to rant through his list of "Things I never want to fight again" Novhen is butting in to add "What about the Children?" That's what's at the top of his list. He'd rather fighter another archdemon than even one more of those Children, he'll claim. *This claim should not be taken at face value (lol Awakening banter idea?)

I certainly hope nobody is insinuating that Radka's old comrade and dear guest is stealing from the Divine's palace! Why, she might just have to whip up a storm of outrage in response! Nobody passing by will notice anything else and certainly not notice anyone slipping in or out of that room full of valuables two doors down the hall on the right with the marble statues on either side!

Also, the image of Khêd interrupting his own translation to remind Sulri that they can't tell anyone that Novhen is probably still alive XD

Warden Interrogator: Are you two having a side conversation? I would strongly prefer if you just interpret directly.

Khêd: It's obvious you don't have a ton of experience in this line of work, but some things take a little more effort to interpret. Let me conduct my business.

At least the Dark Wolf isn't confirmed to be working against the Wardens yet! In fact, his crimes in Denerim had a very pro-Warden slant to them if you're to believe this isn't some vulture claiming someone else's laurels. All we know is he's in the area fleeing royal justice (lol). It's all very suspicious, but he's not confirmed against them yet

Also, since Zev is away in Antiva for the duration of Awakening, i imagine there's going to be at least one night where Novhen knocks at Astala's doors and asks if they can have a sleepover. He's rarely ever had to sleep alone before: only when his tentmate had first watch (and even then, they'll be back before he wakes up) or in extenuating circumstances like his recovery from the archdemon. Maker knows that by the cramped standards of the alienage, these fancy noble beds could probably fit an army in them

And the kids!!!! I'm back to them! They're so cute!!!!!!

I love all the emotions in the first picture! I can really feel Kieran's apprehension! With his newfound loneliness, he could very well be feeling an unsureness that he's never quite had to grapple with at this scale before, and now he's supposed to be making all these important introductions! It's all a bit nerve-wracking, and it'd be nice to have some support

Novhen: It's alright, Kieran. They don't bite. *leans over to Astala* They don't bite, right?

Also, Carlo as the friendliest makes the most sense. A street rat has a bit more need for charisma than a Crow

Morrigan is absolutely returning Perinella's gaze. You stare, you get stared at. Thus is born a beautiful mentorship!

And Virel in the bushes XD XD XD XD XD Novhen totally has him spotted, but he's not going to expose him at quite this moment if it will cause more distance than it will cross. (If Virel is a street cat, then Novhen has a pouch of catnip in his pocket and is ready to pspsps him over at the first sign it might work XD)

At least in the real world, if you're nonverbal, that's often a very convenient excuse for people to ignore you in conversation while still allowing you in the space, so Carlo could probably pretty well attend these meetings and get everyone to believe he's a firm supporter without ever being forced to actually help or harm the movement if he doesn't want to! Ask not what you can do for ableism but what ableism can do for you! (source: am selectively mute)

And that drawing of Novhen with Virel and Perinella at the market is sososososoooooo cute!!!! I am going to die; look at them!!! I imagine Perinella there just spotted a delicious-looking treat, and Novhen's trying to figure out the math of how many plums he'll need to buy to apologize for spoiling her appetite! And yes, Virel can get something too since he was so nice as to help carry groceries

EDIT: I just remembered that Novhen had a speech delay and was nonverbal himself until around 3! That in addition to he generally prefers to not talk much in his personal time if he can get away with + it does hurt a little to speak too much on account of the scars inside his throat, he's more than willing to accommodate for a nonverbal nephew

Very slightly off-topic but do Carlo and Sulri have any overlapping time at Vigil's Keep? I would assume so, but maybe there's some very unfortunate timing in the works that i don't know about? Even if he doesn't yet know the sign languages she uses, i imagine once he does (or if what he already knows is similar enough) that it'll be a huge relief to her to finally have someone around whose default communication is visual lol. Does Tía Sulri play favorites? Will she play favorites once given auntie privileges?

Novhen would be far too excited by tío to be upset by Nobén. I know i did that expression meme once where he was reacting to his name being mispronounced but i think i really overstated how much it'd peeve him off (Expressions are hard :c ). He's used to it being mispronounced, particularly by humans. And it's entirely possible that (mostly for the older three) he might struggle with the pronunciations of their names, so it's only fair they get away with struggling with his. Although if they ever complain a little about struggling with the "vh", Novhen might get in a little joke bout "Is it really that hard? Carlo's never gotten it wrong"

Ooo for a quick nickname detour, Carlo and Virel are harder to organically chop, so they'll probably have to get the -ris treatment. Vir -> Virris is easy enough (Little Way?), but Carlo's "rl" may cause issues. I'm thinking Novhen would eventually settle on Colris? Carris? Idk, that nickname's going through quite a few steps I did not write down, and one of them sounds a little like cholera. That might need to go back to the workshop. Perinella to Peri is easy peasy though! The last three are also pretty intuitive to shorten Rinona -> Rin or Nona, Astolfo -> Asto, and Eidela -> Eida. Thoughts? Because Astala and the kids themselves are absolutely permitted to steer his direction in-universe as well (or if you have any preloaded headcanons on nicknames)

(Also, when i was checking if Astolfo had any other real life nicknames to reference, i saw one of the proposed etymologies included a word for wolf which is a funny coincidence! Or was it intentionally wolf for the unrelated reasons of Zevran being "singing wolf"?)

Novhen will also likely start making an effort to learn Antivan (or whichever languages the older children prefer in addition to Trade. I assume all Crow recruits are taught in Antivan, and if Carlo's preferred spoken language were something more alienage, that might be harder to find a way to learn. Not impossible, but certainly harder. Zevran probably speaks both at least. Language preference is a complicated beast that i am trying very hard to not go into a full essay explaining likelihoods for right here lol.) which he'll be very grateful for once they have to evacuate Amaranthine. It seems only fair that he speak to his new niece and nephews in their preferred language/s, but Trade will have to do in the mean time

Shortly after the first birth, after confirming everyone is healthy and getting the initial coos in:

Novhen: Wolf's maw, I'm so glad I can finally drink again.

Astala: Oh, didn't you hear :) I'm not supposed to drink while breastfeeding either :)

But Astala please be careful with that lettuce! What if you or the baby get hurt! No, don't bench press your rogues either!! That'll be even worse for you XD XD XD

But ohhh i forgot about that one Zevran line entirely ToT He's got so many big feelings that he couldn't allow himself to feel for so long. That paired with everything about poor Cyrai, he is definitely not a small amount of stressed. I'm sure the Cure eases some of his worries, but it cannot be easy

In Novhen's canon, Adaia had a difficult time giving birth. (Novhen, the rotten bugger, insisted on coming out feet first.) If kept, would Astala have ever told Zevran that piece of family history? The breech birth is a little amusing in a fucked up sort of way and probably could've come up as a fun little piece of trivia before there was ever a pregnancy. But even though there's not a strong genetic correlation (assuming Thedas has that knowledge) (besides apparently an increased risk for twins which i just found out!), it could still cause more anxiety once she becomes pregnant

Also that Morrigan is SO dead on "Hm yes I think I did make the right decision handling the pregnancy on my own actually. The innumerable blisters were worth avoiding this" XDXDxD

And oh no!!!!! Rinona!!!!!! Thank whichever deity that claims it first (Urthemiel probably) that Kieran was there! Novhen doesn't have his cane there, so at least it was probably a pretty good day painwise at least it was before he got jumpscared. She looked like she was having so much fun too 😢

He'll let Astala get her lectures in, but he's also going to establish his own terms before any blanket ban can become permanent

Novhen: Now, we're not saying sneaking above my line of sight is off-limits. I don't want some bad bones to get in the way of your learning. But we can't do it like that. What if instead, you toss a tiny pebble my way to announce yourself?

Astala: Are you encouraging them to stone you?

Novhen: I'm encouraging them not to break my back.

(RIP Astala, why is every single rogue she meets like this)

I imagine Novhen and Astala's tales of their old alienage games of hide and seek enrapture their young audience quite well. It probably inspired some of this, now that i think about it 😅 Those kids are gonna be so proud once one of them gets a whole train searching for them just like Novhen got when he was a kid XD

A cousin really is just a sibling with extra steps lol. Still, Kieran's so fancy and worldly 😮 He met the Empress Celene, you know. He's definitely curious and polite, you're right, but if you talk to a Kieran who never held the old god soul, you can see a bit of his good humor in there too 😊 I wonder if Rinona's little whirlwind might be a little overwhelming for Kieran some days lol

I think Kieran might be mostly successful at refusing to get wrapped around someone's finger… until that someone is his cousin who's a whole decade younger than him and so very sweet XD He'll put up a fight, but he's got his da's soft heart

While it might someday become important for his cousins to know about Kieran's relationship to the archdemon, that's going to stay a secret for as long as possible. If Kieran, Carlo, Perinella, and/or Carlo get wrapped up in some companion-type business with the Dreadwolf protag, it might be good to come clean then. And if Astala hasn't already told Zevran what she learned while studying the tome Morrigan left them in Witch Hunt, he's going to be told once they move in together. Novhen figures he has enough right to know if he's going to also be taking up a fairly permanent guardian role ("Uncle Zevran"… bet he never thought that one would happen)

And to close out: you've heard of stealing your boyfriend's clothes! Now it's time for stealing your brother-in-law's clothes! Zevran may be devoted family and a skilled assassin, but he is, first and foremost, an excellent shirt softener 😌

Twins AU (Round 2)

Since our original post exchange got a tad bit long, @bumblerhizal I’m starting a new one here ^^ First, a few things on the doodles: I’m still cackling XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD Especially about Amell (Pavle) going all “woe is me! 😩😩😩” over the dirt on his favorite robe while these two Alienage kids with probably multiple patches and mends on their clothes just look at each other like “can you believe this guy” XD XD XD XD XD XD XD It’s sooooooooo good and I am now imagining Pavle coming face to face with Sigrun’s particular brand of cheerful dead inside XD XD XD The official Grey Warden merch is amazing and our guys are great models. I really want that on a shirt now (and I could, now that I think of it. Ooooooh it’s tempting). I love Valendrian’s grey hair counter. The expression is on point XD XD XD The Plum of Peace should be a Feastday gift. And it’s very good to see reference for Radka, Pavle and Mr Andras (Who looks so kind!!!!!) Mousevhen is absolutely adorable. I want to give him all the pickled beets in the world

Keep reading

#novhen tabris #astala tabris #au: tabris twins #i have clips of all novhen's awakening interactions about the dark wolf #(he gets a couple exclusive lines for being the dark wolf)#but i had to uninstall my video editor so i can't stitch them together atm #if i find a way later i'll upload that but don't get your hopes up #also sorry if my thoughts seem a bit more scrambled than usual - too much pain to think straight past few days (nothing to worry about)

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tf2-hellhole · 3 years ago

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Could I request some headcanons for what the mercs would be like crying in front of their s/o? Or what it would take to get them to?

Scout:

It’d have to take him getting really, really angry or frustrated. Typically the only things that will push him this far are embarrassing himself really badly, losing a match, or somebody insulting him about something that he’s really sensitive about (like his lack of a dad, or if they tore him down about his appearance).

When he cries, he runs off somewhere to sit in a dark corner and bury his face in his knees, because he doesn’t want anyone to see him. When you come to see if he’s alright, he yells at you to leave, but makes no physical effort to force you. He still doesn’t do anything when you wrap your arms around him; in fact, after a while, the tension in his body leaves and he kinda slumps into your arms, burying his face in your chest or shoulder.

Soldier:

Solly is a person that you’d never expect to cry. Typically, he never does, because insults go over his head and he typically just demolishes a punching bag when he’s emotional. But he can come incredibly distraught when thinking about his early experiences in war.

When he feels like he’s about to cry, he locks himself in his room. He’d get angry at anyone who knocks on his door, except you, of course. When you knock, he opens the door wordlessly and captures you in a tight hug. He holds you close and buries his face in your shoulder, almost like an upset toddler. Usually, he’s never been able to talk about things that make him upset without getting brushed off, so getting held and being allowed to talk things out makes him feel a lot better.

Pyro:

I can’t really imagine Pyro as being much of a crier????? Like, maybe they’d cry if you were really upset with them, but that’s about it.

I guess that when they cry, they typically just sit by themselves, softly but audibly sniffling under the mask. If you ask them what’s wrong, they don’t answer, but if you come close, they’ll rest their head on your shoulder and tightly grip your hand. They’re back to normal in a few hours, but they don’t wanna talk about the crying and will disregard it if you bring it up.

Demo:

If he’s drunk, he constantly cries over things that are often random and unimportant. When he’s sober, he usually gets frustrated or angry rather than sad, so he’d only cry about something huge like losing his mom. Also, he’s quite touch and affection starved, so give him gentle affection when he’s upset or stressed- might make him get emotional and tear up a lot.

The way he gets emotional when he receives affection is actually quite cute. He’s big on affection and initiates it 99.9% of the time, so it’s a surprise to him that you would actively seek out affection from him and initiate it. He gets a little flustered and has the cutest nervous smile, but he melts into your arms and cuddles close like a happy cat, puts his head on your shoulder, and wipes his eye and cheek behind your back.

Heavy:

Heavy likes to present himself like he doesn’t get scared or sad or upset, but he does, he just hides it and uses healthy ways of coping or releasing emotion. So it’s very rare for him to cry, especially around other people, even his family. It’d have to take something extremely impactful, like the loss of a family member, to make him cry in front of other people.

When he cries, he does it quietly and by himself. When you find him by accident, he says nothing and just looks away, but he doesn’t try to stop you when you approach him. You reach up and touch his cheeks wordlessly, acknowledging that he clearly doesn’t want to talk. He only looks up at you for a moment before pulling you into a gentle hug, taking in the warmth and comfort of your body.

Engineer:

I don’t actually think Engineer is much of a crier either? His emotions probably come out as anger and frustration (which is obviously never taken out on you). I can imagine that he might cry after losing a loved one. And he’s a very patient and well-tempered person, but I think a very, very long string of failures with inventions might make him angry-cry.

When you find him crying, he wipes his eyes and hangs his head, refusing to look at you. But when you approach him and try to comfort him, he weakly complies and lets himself get wrapped in a hug. If you ask him to, he rants his heart out. Once he calms down, he pulls away, wipes his eyes again, and gives you a weak smile, clearly grateful for the comfort. “Look at me, moping and crying like a child,” he says with a soft, breathless chuckle.

Medic:

Saying that Medic’s childhood was rough is an understatement. He tends to ignore that part of his life and doesn’t talk about it/won’t ever elaborate, but sometimes he can’t avoid bad dreams and scary memories. They tend to stress him out a lot and take him back to the roughest events of his life, so of course he tends to cry after one of these flashbacks.

When he has these memories, he tends to hole up in his lab or his quarters, as it often comes with a bad mental crash. Another mercenaries had mentioned that he seemed out of it earlier, so you went to go check on him, and you found him an exhausted and miserable mess. He immediately crushed you in a hug, crying into your shoulder or cheek. Your body’s warmth and your voice really helps ground him and calm him down. Over a little while, he relaxes a bit and practically melts into you, maybe even falling asleep, but not before he manages to softly thank you for staying with him and comforting him.

Sniper:

Sniper doesn’t seem like much of a crier, and he’s typically not. But he spent a lot of time crying his eyes out until alcohol made him numb in the first few months after his parents’ death. And, like Demo, a lot of affection could easily make him emotional and cry a little because he’s so unbelievably touch starved.

One time, you find him in his quarters (no I don’t think he lives in the van), clearly having a bad day. You sit down next to him and stroke his back, asking him whats wrong. “Nothin’. Just a long day,” he responds weakly. When you reach up to touch his face and comfort him, he jumps a bit in surprise, being unused to people touching his face, but he leans into your hand and closes his eyes. For a moment, you didn’t even realize he was starting to cry, but he sniffles loudly and his eyes are wet when he opens them. He still gives you a soft smile, grateful for the comfort.

Spy:

Basically never cries because he’s excellent at bottling up every emotion he feels and acting like everything is okay. Even losing a loved one wouldn’t make him cry, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not absolutely traumatized and heartbroken; He just doesn’t show it externally. The only thing that could make him cry is a loved one trying to help him improve his mental state- of course, letting out his feelings is an incredibly important part. He strongly resists their attempts for a long time, but seeing how worried they are about him and how much they care makes him fall apart.

He just randomly starts crying in the middle of a conversation about you trying to help him mentally heal. Like, all of a sudden, he buries his face in his hand and sniffles softly. He lets you hug and comfort him, but he hides his face out of shame as he silently sobs into his hand.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 x reader #tf2 imagines #tf2 headcanons #tf2 x you #tf2 x s/o #tf2 x y/n #tf2 scout #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro #tf2 demoman #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #tf2 medic #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 2 years ago

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I feel lesbian adjacent

I know that doesn’t make much sense and goes against like everything I rant about on here about making a philosophical debate over your sexuality and your sexuality isn’t defined by the sub cultures you fit into

And I KNOW lesbianism is just my sexuality, it’s just my attraction to women and lack of attraction to men

But it seems now and always so much sub culture and internal political notions have been tied to lesbianism that it starts to feel like more then just a sexuality. Which is stupid because it’s not.

But I just don’t feel like I connect to other lesbians or our culture or just the lgbt community as a whole. I wouldn’t say there is a personality that comes along with people lgbt , but throughout each wave in time you can see common patterns that larger groups tend to flock to. Be it because they actually feel that way or because they just want community, I don’t know. But it’s so strongly ingrained into the “lesbian experience” that when you don’t fit that or experience it or relate to it’s hard to not bring your own sexuality into question. Or maybe that’s just me I don’t know.

Because in simple bare basic terms I’m a lesbian. I’m only attracted to women and I’m a woman. And I know that. But there just seems to be this inherent prominent mindset of being lgbt , or being a 20 something lgbt person.

It’s hard to not feel like I’m not part of the community because of that. I am. I’m the L. I’m in by default. But other then that I struggle to feel tied to it.

Especially when people DO make a philosophical beam out of their sexuality. Sometimes it just feels like the basics have gone - or rather based on things I’ve been reading they they never really existed.

Maybe that’s a symptom of being an oppressed minority.

Maybe that’s just the symptom of being human and it’s actually everywhere I just notice it more when it comes to my sexuality because that’s the largest part of my personhood that leads to socialising. I don’t really know.

But it makes me feel like I’m not “fulfilling” the whole truth of my sexuality. Which doesn’t even make full sense to me. Almost like I’m walking on a rope above them. I’m there. I can see them. And seeing them makes me happy. I want to share what I see with others. I know I can relate to them in some way. But I just can’t break those last few gaps. I don’t know how to get down and be in it. So I’m just on the outside feeling lost and confused in my own community through no ones fault but maybe my own.

It’s just a very sad and frustrating emotion honestly. And it doesn’t make full sense to me because it goes against what I fundamentally believe lol

#I’m probably making absolutely no sense whatsoever #so you can ignore me while I word vomit into the void lololol #I don’t know if I’ll delete this later I just needed to get it out #sorry again if I make no sense lol #tw homophobia #personal

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macabrecabra · 2 years ago

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Do you enjoy angst fanart/fanfiction/fancomic ?

I do....but only when it is done WELL and I have THOUGHTS on this, given I have read and written and Role-played a lot of angst in my days. *Rant incoming as I feel strongly about this 83*

To start: People who are just learning to write/are writing their first few fanfics and getting their feet wet on angst are not subject to this. They are young writers, and 9 times out of 10, I've seen all of them evolve and figure out how the dos and donts of angst writing. Encourage them, offer advice, but take age and experience into account, especially fanfic writers, as it is hard to get the brain in order when writing for a few years easily. Experimental phase! This rant applies to people who are veteran writers, script writers for media that makes it to big producers, people producing content that involves heavy script writing for several years, or who otherwise claim years of writing experience and lord it publicly. THE RANT... BEGINS Angst for the sake of angst, just for that "shock" from the audience and to make people sad through "Ohhhhhh! This person DEAD/SUFFERING TERRIBLY/ A PUNCHING BAG" is just really poor writing. Angst is not just feeling bad and finish reading something feeling awful and like you got gut-punched. It is also not characters dying for NO reason and being brought back because why not. It is not this character has to be made to look bad/suffer so your other character looks better by default. THAT is not good angst. That is poorly writem angst. Just as Aristotle has said and Shakespeare as well, you NEED the catharsis release! Angst is good to make people feel, but they must also feel it has been released, an understanding OF that feeling!

And the reason for that character death or that characters suffering MUST have a purpose to both the theme of the story, and to the readers. It has to make sense! Has the characters actions brought this on? Their situation? The society they have been brought into? What did they do to deserve this and why do I NEED to see this suffering? Take Avatar the Last Airbender for example. There are points where we really FEEL for these characters. We know them. It hurts us when they fail. We see them at their lowest, coping with emotions WE cope with...and we see them overcome it. There is release when they rise. Zuko shows this well with how he is brought to his lowest point, but we get to see him rebuild himself stronger. It helps us as people to cope with similiar emotions and help make us find ways to cope in a safer environment in case we are confronted with it later. It exposes us!

For a more aching sort of angst that hits home and takes no punches.... Devilman Crybaby. You FEEL for the characters, even minor characters as every moment with anyone on the screen is used to develop them. When the world falls apart and people react to what is going on, the heart-break of seeing people be killed, the inevitability of the end of the plot... it is HEAVY angst....but the ending is very catharsis. You understand how this ending came. Understand the loss, and it links together with the powerful line of "You are crying too". GOOD ANGST. I feel, I understand and look in at myself. I let it go. I may even cry which is a form of the release. Something touched us...and the tears are a way of letting go. I cried during the pixar movie Soul because the angst they used, the sense of finding yourself and your "spark" hit home. It affected me. I introspective and cried, but the ending made me feel so good, that I was able to ground myself and feel at peace. Bad angst? *Gestures to 80% of Hollywood movies* kill off character because Audience will be sad but have no good reason for it. (most mavel movies.... except Love and Thunder. That was actually handled well.) Characters are not developed enough to feel the sadness and ache involved with their plight. Character development makes no sense to the plot or theme and is just done for the sell or shock of it (looking at you Game of Thrones ending...) Character is just beaten up and put through hell and you feel bad for them but it NEVER gets better for him, and almost because laughable or a trope.... (a lot of female characters have this happen to them where they are there to either suffer, or have suffering that makes them more ideal to a male character. LGBTQA+ characters and other marginalized identities also tend to be made to suffer, as if the only part of our identity is SUFFERING in society, not thriving.. )

Character does not learn anything from the angst and if this character or event was removed from the story, it would not really change anything. The angst is just there for the cheap jumpscare of angst. Character's situation never is resolved, is forgotten, or just used as a "aren't we glad we aren't them? so much suffering!" CHARACTERS DON'T STAY DEAD. Oh my fecking GOD! If a character DIES and it had IMPACT, then you RUIN IT by just...magic bullshitting character back to life... DON'T. Read a webcomic that LOVED to just "murder" people and then bring them back, thus eliminating any impact their death could have or kill off characters just because eh... could. It was POORLY written. It was POORLY executed. Character death is good to have and can be used to give a punch...but give it MEANING! Even if a character dies in vain, they leave a legacy! They leave an impact on those they touch! They could have been an awful villain with no redeeming features and audience is happy to see them go, but GIVE IT MEANING, not shoe-horned bullshit at the very end that was never actually explored/brought up. UGH! But not saying don't bring back a character if it makes sense to the plot. Looking at Love and Thunder where the villain ends up bringing back his daughter.... that is done correctly. Make the return have purpose and aids in the feelings of release and acceptance, not "I brought them back because haha cute character!"

So in conclusion: ANGST IS GOOD when done RIGHT! Where it is catharsis in nature, aka the audience feels, but can feel a sense of release, are given time to sort the feelings through and find a sort of release inside themselves that leaves them feeling better for it. BAD ANGST is shoddy use of characters for perceived cheap thrills, shock in the audience, and 100% makes it feel like there are dollar signs on the story rather than a want to TELL a story. It is cheap. It is unimpressive, and cheapens the characters to stock footage brats, especially when done intentionally and not learning to improve.

My Rules of Writing Angst 1. There is a reason for the event happening and it affects the character's personality and how they interact. 2. Trauma is handled delicately, even if being used for angst. Respectfully and nuanced, not as a cheap cash "reason" for random changes or shoe-horning in a reason for them to be as they are 3. Character deaths have a purpose and bring a conclusion to the character's journey while impacting the journey of other characters and the cope of their lost is given time to expand (or lack of time and it lingers with another character, causing them to have to change/go on a journey where they can finally find closure...) 4. Everyone is free to be angsted and no one is safeguarded. Marginalized identities are not...just fodder for angst. Yeah people of all walks of life suffer.... but ALL walks of life. Suffering is not the defining trait of anyone one identity. 5. Let characters stay dead if their death is meant to have strong impact, unless bringing them back makes sense to the plot and delivers just as strong an impact. 6. Angst is not a character trait. Being depressed doesn't make you pure angst. Angst is a human reaction to the situation that invokes emotions, some negative, that we are allowed to feel. Sadness and anger are reactions, not natural states of beings. Something always causes the feeling.

7. A catharsis release is NOT a happy ending. It is a moment where the reader is given time to process the emotions, learn to cope, and can move forward. They can be moments of hope or moments of acceptance, but they are periods in the story where those enjoying the media can...process what happened and self-reflect some. Give your viewers/readers the time to take a breath and shed a few tears. (sometimes I take a whole chapter or five to do this, depending on how high the angst was. Sometimes just takes a few paragraphs. be the judge of the length!)

8. Remember hope. Even at the worse times, there must be a sense of hope that remains. Hope in the future, hope a character could change, an open window that readers can imagine. Just...crushing hope does nothing. Readers need to always feel there can be something, even if it isn't likely or hard to achieve. It is there.

9. Angst is to enhance a characters journey, not cheapen it. A character may go through their journey with minimal angst or a lot... but it enhances the character and allows them to grow and change. It is a tool to use, not a bat to beat a character over the head into the hole they need to go in. AND NUMBER 10! Don't feel like you HAVE to have angst in a story! Some people don't care for it or don't like it heavy, and that is perfectly fine! You do NOT have to make your characters have a bad time to have a good story! There are light-hearted popular stories out there too! If you feel the angst in a scene is being forced, may step back and take another look. It might not be a time when you need to use angst! But those are just my thoughts. *Rant concluded*

#Maca speaks #good angst is GOOD #bad angst makes Maca scream #when it is done by people who claim to know better 83 #aka most big blockbuster movies and shows #UGH can we just NOT SHOCK KILL CHARACTERS???#PLEASE!?

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thejolteonmastertjspoilers · 4 years ago

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The Monoma Meta Nobody Asked For

I don’t remember who it was on Reddit that said it makes sense for Monoma to be one of the most empathetic characters in BNHA cuz of his Quirk, (his quirk allows him to walk in the shoes of other people in ways most will never be able to even if for 5 minutes at a time), but let’s talk about it for a minute.

Monoma is a character full of contradictions but there’s a method to the madness.

Let’s take a real deep look at the manga shall we?

It’s pretty much canon that Monoma trash talks 1-A so much in-part b/c he cares that much... too much... about his own classmates. It’s implicitly obvious based on the way he interacts with his classmates and phrases his rants at class 1-A.

The fact that he’s obviously influenced by Vlad is just the cherry on top.

He’s prideful of not just himself but also his friends. Let’s break down the nuances there.

Ch196 above, Ch207 below.

Empathy

The kid has a way with words.

The kid has a weirdly poetic way with words.

He goes out of his way to encourage or reassure his classmates in a deeply thoughtful manner at every given opportunity.

He hyped up Setsuna Tokage before her battle with Bakugo and we saw him grin in pride when Komori took down Tokoyami.

Whenever Monoma does criticize his classmates, it’s always frank, honest, but constructive, with the intention to help them improve. He’s even contrasted with his own teacher for being relatively more kind in the delivery of his criticism (see the next screenshot). Given that Monoma’s shown to be strongly influenced by Vlad, this particular difference stands out.

You never see an anime/manga character get fancifully philosophical & genuinely helpful like this unless they are an adult, usually the MC’s mentor. Monoma’s legit acting more like an anime mentor than any of Deku’s multiple mentors. lmfaooo.

Realistically speaking, all of this, the philosophical speeches & level-headed advice, takes an incredible amount of emotional & mental labor. The kid’s practically doing half of Vlad’s job for him.

It’s during the joint training arc we begin to see why his classmates put up with him and are on friendly terms despite how obnoxious & cheesy he can be & how often they need to keep him in check.

It’s clear even as far back as the sports festival that his classmates don’t actually hate him, despite the smacks & tough love they also just shake their heads with a smile on their face as they say “sorry about him,” cuz that’s just the way he is. They love him anyways.

He’s an annoying little sh*t but he’s their annoying little sh*t. Perhaps they even realize why he acts the way he does towards class 1-A, it’s because he cares too much.

Sketch translated by @aitaikimochi

Putting Up An Act

I think there’s actually even more to it when it comes to his rowdy & brash behaviors.

Monoma is empathetic because of how his Quirk works. He needs to learn to use the Quirks of others in order to become a hero. In doing so he logically needs to become privy to all the Quirk’s weaknesses, not just their strengths. Not only does he need to become privy to these often deeply personal details of one’s lived life, he needs to experience them, even if for just five minutes at a time. It’s natural, even necessary, for Monoma to become exceptionally close to his classmates.

But he’s only like that because of how his Quirk works. It’s his naturally nurtured self. His conscious self, though, is notably different.

What we see when Monoma says he and Shinsou need to do unheroic things to get by is not his naturally nurtured self, but is a conscious decision.

At some point in his life, Monoma came to the conclusion that being too kindhearted all the time will be weakness. This is clearly implied, almost outright stated when we heard Monoma’s thoughts when faced with Deku’s Black Whip, “All of the hopes and dreams in my mind from when I was younger are gradually becoming these heavy burdens... like some sort of curse.” I am 99.999% sure it’s Monoma’s thoughts being shown there because the speech pattern & context don’t match up to Shinsou or Midoriya at all.

Basically, Monoma is a little sh*t because he saw his own empathy as a weakness, and overcompensates for it. He’s trained himself to be brash & mischievous, likely from a very young age given how consistently brash he is. We can see a little bit of this when interacting with his class-B classmates as well.

It was @thyandrawrites who first noticed this in this post, but here we see Monoma scolding Kendou after losing the beauty contest, giving perhaps too much tough love & TetsuTetsu steps in to Kendou’s defense.

Given how Monoma during the Joint Training arc clearly said everything he did to motivate his friends to do better, this is likely not an isolated occurrence. The dude cares way too goddamn much for anyone’s good.

Yet there’s something else up with the guy too, something else that contributes even more to his unhealthy obsession with the rivalry vs class-A. The dude has some serious self-esteem issues but is too prideful to seek real help.

Self-doubt

The fact that he’s the only member of class-B who failed the midterm despite having an intelligence stat of 5/5 speaks for itself.

Him failing the academic exam would be a sign of serious issues going on under the surface in itself, him failing the practical means he probably failed b/c he couldn’t hold his own and his teammate had to pick up the slack.

Him failing b/c he held back his teammate would have hit very close to home since we now know he was told “You can’t be a hero if you can’t do anything yourself” since he was a kid.

Basically, yet another reason he continues to antagonize class-A is a textbook example of someone pushing their insecurities onto someone or something else.

For something often played off as comedic relief there’s a lot of layers as to why Monoma does what he does.

But wait, there’s f*cking more. There’s actually a particular reason Monoma expresses his insecurities in this unhealthy manner, and that reason ties into what I’ve already begun to address about his empathy.

Another Act

I don’t think it’s accident that the first time we see him have a real heart-to-heart with someone is when he’s attempting to do it for the sake of someone else. Even if it is in a clumsy manner that ends up annoying Shinsou, it’s the intent I’m interested in here.

We almost never see Monoma receive or accept praise or reassurance, he’s always the one giving it. He always makes it a point to put himself in the position where he’s being the emotionally strong one.

He got over class 1-A securing their victory exceptionally fast, ready to put on a strong face for Tokage and the rest of his class.

The few times we do see him genuinely depressed, he’s distancing himself from others.

He’s afraid of holding others back not just as a hero, but emotionally as well. His instinct to be emotionally strong for the people he cares about stems not just from his strong empathy and caring nature nature itself, but also from his pride, insecurities and conscious decision to do everything he can do.

This is why he’s too prideful to seek or accept real emotional help & ends up venting his emotions in unhealthy & destructive ways.

His many depictions as an actor of sorts was intentional. He juggles many acts, he puts on an act of emotional strength for his classmates, and he puts on an act of cruelty to get by as a hero. To antagonize people in an attempt to throw them off their game. Sometimes... oftentimes even, he misapplies these charades & gets carried away. Oftentimes he fails entirely, he’s trying to do some hella complex things for a kid.

Finally, His Pride

Let’s not kid ourselves here, the dude has a major superiority/inferiority complex. He fails to see how needlessly cruel he’s being when saying class-A asked to be attacked by villains etc.

I’m willing to bet he’ll be in a phase denial for a while now that Class-B and Class-A have gotten more openly friendly in recent chapters. But because he cares so much about his classmates he’ll likely eventually come around to adjusting to a new frenemy relationship with 1-A... with much difficulty when we take his pride, insecurities & self-righteous envy into account.

He’ll probably end up being Tsundere about everything to protect his ego and so Horikoshi can keep using him for comedic relief lol. Even if he does realize a lot of what he’s done was f*ked up, he’s too brash of a prankster to ever go fully soft on them either.

TL;DR... Monoma is a piece of mf work. Not surprising really.

#I overanalyze the comedic relief character #Someone stop me #TJ overanalysis #bnha meta #neito monoma #monoma neito #monoma #bnha spoilers #bnha manga #bnha #My Hero Academia #boku no hero academia #class 1b #bnha class b #bnha class 1b #vlad king

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the-signs-of-two · 4 years ago

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Okay, people. I’m just going to go on a superlong rant about characterisations and how Sherlock and John are made for each other. I feel like we sometimes get a bit sidetracked discussing mirrors and subtext, references and symbolism, and we forget what is actually there in the text and in the characterisations of these characters.

If we start with John... John is brave and courageous and loyal: 'soldier' qualities. He's also very caring and nurturing and protective: 'doctor' qualities. And that's all well and good. But he also has a bunch of less socially acceptable sides: he's a man who can't stand mundanity, who needs excitement and danger and adrenaline to be content. In reality, he's actually just as poorly suited to conform to social norms as Sherlock, but, unlike Sherlock, he's chosen to suppress the less acceptable sides of himself to be accepted by others rather than be alone (Sherlock has chosen the opposite). So joining the army is a compromise: a socially acceptable way for him to live a life of excitement. And it works - until he's forced home from the war. So to describe John... he has all these strengths: courage, bravery, loyalty, caring and a very well-developed sense of right and wrong. On the other hand, he just... isn't normal. He doesn't fit in. But, unlike Sherlock, he shies away from it instead of embracing it. He's very self-aware and he tries to disguise his lack of being normal. In a way, that he's a soldier AND a doctor shows that dual nature. So his biggest flaw is how incredibly hard he fights to be something he's not, how much of himself he sacrifices to be 'normal' - or at least to be perceived that way by others. His bisexuality is one such aspect of himself that he tries to suppress: he finds it incredibly hard to face the idea that he's not 'just straight' because being straight would be more 'normal'.

Also, there’s that entire halfway subtextual idea that maybe he's so defensive about his sexuality because his father was a homophobe. He's shown at various times to have a very sensitive response to authoritative older men. His sister (Harry) is a lesbian, so it would make sense that maybe she came out and their father didn't approve and John saw that and it just made his own sexuality crisis all the more potent.

So Sherlock offers John what he needs: a life of excitement and adventure that is still morally sound. And I think John loves him not just because of the lifestyle he offers, not just because he's intelligent and John is in awe of that, but because Sherlock represents what John can't find in himself: Sherlock is his own man. He doesn't give a fuck what others think of him (from John’s POV at least). He's himself 100% and all the time and he isn't held back by societal norms in the slightest. And I think John admires and loves him for that. And then... well, then there are the, uhm, more problematic sides of Sherlock. Not just that he insults people and insults John and does stupid, dangerous things and clutters the flat and does experiments in the kitchen right next to their food. That's annoying, sure, but whatever. The real problem John has is that Sherlock is destructive. He's selfdestructive (for instance, dealing with stressful situations by smoking and doing drugs), but he is also just plain destructive. John is moral. For him, the most important thing is morals and doing the right thing and helping others. And Sherlock doesn't always live up to that standard. So there are times when John has to question if Sherlock is actually, you know, GOOD or if he's just motivated by the thrill of being clever. John is a soldier, and later a detective, because he wants to live a life of excitement - but it HAS to be a moral life of excitement. That means everything to him. And the uncertainty about whether Sherlock feels the same is a major problem for John.

Sherlock is... well, he's kind of the opposite. He's not normal, but he's embraced that. He's true to himself and he doesn't suppress who he is. But that's come with a price: he's alone. Few can stand him, no one can understand him. He's lonely, but he's also not interested in being with just anyone, because he takes pride in his intelligence and his difference and people who are just plain, simple and normal... well, he's arrogant enough to look down on them. Like, a lot. He has no respect for societal norms and no respect for authority because he believes he knows best himself. So you could say that both John and Sherlock have a very developed sense of right and wrong. The difference is that John's 'right and wrong' is a universal, socially accepted 'right and wrong', whereas Sherlock's 'right and wrong' is his own and not always in agreeance with the rest of the world.

Sherlock's real problem, though, is that... well, to put it simply: he's too intelligent to be normal and too emotional to be a calculating machine. And he hates himself for it. He isn't actually unemotional, quite the opposite. Only a man who feels very strongly would ever come up with 'All emotion is abhorrent to me', 'I am a brain, everything else is just transport' etc. Sherlock wishes he could be just a brain - he looks up to Mycroft and, indeed, to Moriarty because they manage to do that (at least to his mind). He feels very strongly, but he's too intelligent to be normal, so he's alone and it's lonely and painful. So he longs to not feel. But he can't do that. So he does drugs and shit like that because it dulls that pain.

So John offers Sherlock what he needs: acceptance for who he is. John likes him when he's being himself. And Sherlock loves John not just because John accepts and praises him, but also because Sherlock sees who John is. He sees that John is a soldier AND a doctor, he sees that John is kind of messed up, but he LIKES John's messed-up sides - Sherlock hates the normal and John Watson is not normal.

So in a way, Sherlock loves John for the exact things John hates about himself. And John loves Sherlock for the exact things Sherlock hates about himself - his emotions. I think there's real beauty in that dynamic. They both offer the other exactly what the other needs and they both love the other because of the things the other hates about themself.

And all of that is text and/or basic characterisation. And I think that’s really important to remember.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#Sherlock #BBC Sherlock #Johnlock #TJLC #characterisation #My Meta #Sherlock Meta #BBC Sherlock Meta #sort of

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slightlyrebelliouswriter23 · 4 years ago

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Hi Em✨

I absolutely love your writing and your posts and I’ve been following you for a while now💕

I’m not sure about you but I feel quite uneasy/conflicted with the current rhetoric on book tok. I understand people not liking certain books but it’s been hard to see people slander books and the people that like those books/characters/stories,etc. I get that criticism is needed for certain themes or values that appear in books but reading is loosing some of its escapism for me:(

Reading in context (fictionally and in the real world) is always needed but sometimes I just like a book because of the characters or it’s story and not necessarily that it checks all the boxes for being perfect.

Tbh, as much as I love certain books, some of them have become tainted for me and I genuinely wish I didn’t I read other people’s opinions on them.

Book tok is great for reccs but I can’t even filter it out of my feed at this point. I kinda wish toxic fandoms also looked inwardly because as much fun it is to engage with fans and people that are apart of that fandom, some people take it way too far such as sending hateful anons to creators (such as you🥺) or calling books trash when they’ve been super influential or important to people.

I guess my little rant is over but I was wondering if you had any opinions on this or have any sort of guidance. Is there a place I could get reccs or how can avoid all of this rhetoric that can affect my view of a book.”?

Stay safe and have a good day✨💐

hi there, nonnie! thank you so much for the kind words, i really appreciate you 🥺❤️❤️

first off, i want to say that i 100% understand this. i never really got into booktok specifically because i had a feeling it was basically going to be book twitter 2.0 where everyone is just ripping into each other constantly. i don't like being influenced by other people's opinions either, and the drama that seems to be obligatory baggage for most fandoms these days (with the exception of TFOTA, cos for some reason we are extraordinarily chill) just isn't for me.

it is, of course, essential that we continue to think critically when it comes to media. it's the only way we can affect change in a positive direction. but this also must be balanced with a willingness to be humble with our opinions, understand that they are just opinions, and accept that everyone consumes media for different reasons.

this also means we'll all hold different boundaries about what we're willing to consume, and where we draw the line for things we won't consume. granted, books might be the mirror through which we see life reflected, but they are not reality itself. to a certain extent, fiction is fiction. and different boundaries does not a bad person make.

speaking of drawing lines, i'm going to direct you to this post by @bookofmirth , which is mainly about ACOTAR/SJM/Palestine but some of what they have to say there is very applicable to this topic, and eloquently put:

"Some people can separate art from artist. Some can't. It's up to all of us as individuals to draw that line where we are comfortable."

i agree with this statement wholeheartedly. it is not up to randomgal4549 on tiktok/twitter to decide what eye should or should not read. the unmitigated gall of anyone to think their opinion should dictate other people's choices is highly presumptuous and quite frankly exhausting.

apart from maybe the bible/other religious texts, what a person reads is not a reflection of who they are or what beliefs they hold. we need to learn not to conflate the two, and start regarding each other once more as humans with complex thoughts and feelings, capable of introspection and growth, instead of little icons on our phone screens with immovable and absolute beliefs.

so that's my opinion on that. my main advice to you would be KEEP THINGS ORGANISED. what i mean by that is this:

curate your social media experience! it is YOUR responsibility as an owner of any social media account (including tumblr) to customise your space to fit YOUR needs. if you don't like someone's opinion/content? unfollow. if someone is rude/you don't like their vibe? block. if you find the things someone shares to their socials offensive? unfriend. this is setting boundaries, and the people who take any of these things as a personal offence are the exact people you want to keep a healthy distance away from. you decide who you follow and what you see on your dash. be protective of your space and who you allow to have access to your energy.

keep personal feelings separate from the public! i honestly can't stress this point enough. if you feel the need to rant about something that irks you about a specific book/author/person's opinion, keep these discussions in the DMs with a trusted circle of friends. it is psychologically proven that when someone feels attacked, they will double down on their og opinion, no matter if they realise they're wrong. thus, projecting high-strung emotions into public spaces such as twitter, while understandable in some cases, will only serve to further polarise people and hurt the very movement you're likely trying to bolster. blow off steam with people you can entrust with your emotions. NOT strangers on the internet.

designate time to learning about issues that are important to you! i strongly advise against turning to any fictional medium for moral lessons or life advice. if you can dedicate some time outside of your escapism to inform yourself about important subjects through educational resources that are specifically designed to Teach/Impart Knowledge, instead of giving an ounce of thought to Intrinsically Biased Information Received Second Hand, i promise you you'll feel a whole lot less obligated to other people's opinions.

if you're unsure about a particular book/author, consider borrowing from your local library, purchasing the book second hand, or finding an ePub copy.

for recs, consider booktube. i know it's probably seen as a bit old school by now, but the great thing about youtube is that you're not randomly/unexpectedly subjected to other people's shit opinions like on other social platforms. you have to click a link to watch the video, which gives you more autonomy in regards to what opinions you consume. my personal favourite youtuber is Khadija Mbowe. she's not a booktuber, per se, but her content focuses on in-depth critical analysis of media/society through the lense of WOC (specifically Black women), and i find her channel compelling as well as informative.

goodreads is also a great place to find book recs without the constant influx of opinions. if you can find yourself a circle of trusted friends to follow on there, you can't go wrong. my goodreads is linked in my bio under "connect" and you're welcome to follow me there. or not! it's your choice.

–Em 🖤🗡

#this is incredibly long i'm so sorry 🙈#on mobile so i can't add a cut #discoursey #like i realise it's probably gotten worse recently with the pandemic and more screen time #but i honestly wouldn't touch most fandoms with a 12 foot pole #it's too messy for me #of course i still read and enjoy books that have fandoms. i just don't get involved #TFOTA is my one exception and even we have our days lmao #you have to do what's healthy for you. and if that means leaving tiktok/twitter altogether? DO IT. you won't regret it i promise #i quit twitter facebook and instagram in 2018 and it's the best decision i ever made #i love you nonnie i hope this helped 🥺❤️#thanks for the ask!! 💜#asked and answered #em answers #nonnie #long post

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fiveisnumber1 · 4 years ago

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Timeless - Five Hargreeves x Reader

Word Count: 3828

Warnings: None

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23

_________________________

Pt 11 - Lost In The Past

You didn't know how long it had been since you started crying but there came a point where you could cry no more. The tears no longer fell and your screams were nothing more than gasps of air. You felt empty like every last bit of emotion inside you was just released into the hollow house. Wiping the tears from your eyes you felt a gentle hand stroke your hair.

"There there, why don't we go get you some food to eat? You must be hungry after all that crying." Grace says

You turn your head to look at her and give her a small nod. Grace extends her hand to help you stand from the floor and when you stand she wraps an arm around you, guiding you to the kitchen. Sitting you down at the kitchen table, Grace starts to cook while you try to come to terms with your new reality. You had so many questions and yet you weren't sure if you had the words to vocalize them.

"Grace?" You call

"Hm?" She replies

"What happened since I've been gone?" You question softly

"Well George W. Bush served as president until 2008 when Barack Obama was elected to the presidency. The company Apple invented the iPhone in 2007 which revolutionized technology by giving phones touch screens. Youtube, Facebook, and other social media platforms grew to international success during the time you were gone. The-" Grace replies but you cut her off

"No, I mean...what happened here?" You say

Grace stops cooking for a second and turns to you.

"Oh. Well, you and Five went missing on the same day eleven years ago and things were never quite the same. Your disappearances took a toll on both your family and ours. I remember that about three years after you left, your parents packed up and moved to wherever they went. They were so distraught and I don't blame them it's very difficult to lose a child. I recall that back then Diego really tried his best to track them down in case you ever came back."

"What happened to Diego? And the others?"

"Diego left the house right when he turned eighteen, and Vanya, Klaus, and Allison left shortly thereafter which happened about six or so years ago. Luther stayed but now he's up on the moon doing some important research for Mr. Hargreeves!"

"You forgot about Ben." You state

"Oh right...Ben. Ben died on a mission in 2006. I don't know if you saw in the courtyard but there's a memorial statue for him there."

"He died?" You reply shocked

Grace nods.

"Yes and that was the straw that broke the camel's back, after you and Five went missing, and Ben's death, the rest of the children had no desire to stay in the house. It's difficult having to lose all your children one by one..." Grace states before putting on a chipper voice "Anyway here's a grilled cheese sandwich!"

"Oh." You say surprised at her quick shift of emotion "Uh, thank you."

"No problem (Y/N). Feel free to walk around the house and if you need anything else just ask! I'll be in the laundry room." Grace says before leaving

As she exits the kitchen and heads upstairs to the laundry room, you stare at the grilled cheese before pushing the plate away and putting your face in your hands. Everything felt like it was moving at a million miles per hour and you couldn't make it stop. You needed to get your mind off of things. Lifting you head out of your hands you stand up and grab your sandwich off the plate and walk towards a calendar on the kitchen wall. It read November 22nd, 2013. You shook your head and decided to leave the room. Strolling out of the kitchen and around the Umbrella Academy, you look at paintings of the former academy members. With each painting, the number of kids grew less and less as if time was making them disappear. You continue to walk around as you eat your sandwich taking in the empty sights. Passing different rooms, memories replayed in your mind so strongly that it was like you were right there in them again. You could practically see and hear the Hargreeves kids running down the halls and fighting with each other in those dumb uniforms they used to wear but you knew those experiences were just in your mind. This building had become a haunted house filled with the ghosts of past memories that would never come back. Looking outside at the snowy scene you decide to brave the elements and head out to the courtyard. This time instead of frantically looking for signs of life you take in the sight of death. You make your way over to the statue of what looks to be an older version of Ben. The statue has a solemn look on its face as it looks down on you.

"I guess you're the only one left here." You comment to the statue

You got no response. You didn't expect one but it was worth a shot. You looked down at the pedestal the statue was on and read the epitaph.

May the darkness within you find peace in the light

You wrote that to him in the journal you gave him for all of your 13th birthdays. Things really had changed while you were gone. With the cold starting to set in, you head back inside and go stand in the parlor next to the fireplace. Looking up at the painting of Five once more, a mix of emotions started churning inside you. Anger, grief, confusion, hurt. All of them overwhelmed you.

"You know this is all your fault Five." You start to rant to the painting "If you hadn't gotten mad about whatever it was you were mad about neither of us would be in this situation."

You pace back and forth in front of the fireplace, your feelings of hurt and anger growing stronger like the flames before you. You continue to yell louder at the painting in front of you,

"Oh leave me alone (Y/N) you wouldn't get it. Bullshit! Do you see what you've done? Look at me! I have no family, no home, no friends, nothing because of you and your stupid superiority complex! All of it is gone! Do you hear me?"

By this point, you were actively staring down the painting, pointing and screaming at it,

"I HAVE NOTHING! NOTHING BECAUSE OF YOU! I LOST EVERYTHING AND THAT INCLUDES MY BEST FRIEND! HOW DARE YOU FIVE! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Child, yelling at the painting is not going to console your grief." You hear a voice say from behind you

Turning around you find Mr. Hargreeves to be standing there.

"Why do you keep the painting up then?" You retort crossing your arms

"I keep it up to remember the boy." he answers, "I told him not to mess with time travel but he refused to listen."

"He thought he was better than everyone." You comment

"He thought he was better than most people, not all, but most." Reginald replies "Now if you're going to be staying here there are going to be rules that you need to follow."

"Who said I was staying here?" You remark

"You have other accommodations?" He questions

You let out a huff.

"No." you reply annoyed

It was true, you had nowhere else to go and this was probably your only chance of having a home of sorts. You heard the stories of what it was like to live with Reginald and although you didn't want to, you knew that you had no other choice.

"Very well. I will have Pogo inform you of the daily schedule of eating, training, and studying."

"Slow your roll old man, training?" you question raising an eyebrow

"Of course. To develop your powers." He responds blankly

"Listen, if I'm going to live here and have to deal with your rules then I have some conditions. First, I will train my powers and let you research them but do NOT expect me to put on a little uniform and become the only member of the second class of the Umbrella Academy. That's not happening. Second, if you want me to learn something it will wait until the weekend because during the week I want to go to school. Third, I have autonomy of where I go both inside and outside this house. I am not going to live my life solely in one bedroom. Do I make myself clear?" You demand

"I see time hasn't dulled that sharp tongue and insolent attitude of yours." Reginald remarks

"Well what eleven years is to you has been like two hours to me." you retort

"Fine. I agree with your conditions and the schedule will be adjusted accordingly but you MUST stick to it and the house rules or I will not tolerate your requests further." Reginald replies

"Deal." You state curtly

"I'll have Grace deal with your living accommodations. Now keep quiet."

"One more thing. You got his eyes wrong, they're a brighter blue." You say gesturing to the painting of Five

Reginald turns to walk away and you flop down on the couch. This is not what you expected when you woke up that morning...eleven years ago. All of it was still so surreal and you didn't know what to do. So you did nothing, you just laid on the couch staring at the ceiling silently and let the world pass by as it had done already. You didn't notice how much time had gone by until you heard Grace call out,

"(Y/N)!"

"I'm here." You reply sitting up from the couch

"Mr. Hargreeves told me that you're going to be staying with us. I'm so happy to hear that! Now I have the pleasure of being able to take care of you too!" She says happily "Let's get you situated!"

Grace and you walk upstairs and into the hall that housed the former rooms of the children.

"You can pick whichever room you want!" Grace explains "Allison's room is all set up in terms of having girlier items, and Vanya's room is smaller but it's barren so you can decorate it however you want! Luther and Ben's rooms are super organized! We can always redo Klaus or Diego's rooms and there's always Fi-"

"I'll take a look at the rooms and let you know." You quickly shoot out

Grace gives you a slightly shocked look before smiling and saying,

"Oh alright, I'm going to make dinner then. Just let me know before bedtime so I can get some clean sheets for you."

You didn't mean to cut off Grace but Five's room was the only room you didn't check earlier. Going in there wasn't something you were prepared to do right now and it definitely wasn't the one you were going to stay in. It would hurt too much, not only because of all the memories made in there but because it looked right across at your old room which was now frozen in time. Passing the closed door of Five's room you walk down the hall and carefully examine all the other options. You saw that Allison and Luther had two of the largest rooms, and you were surprised you couldn't find a hole cut in their shared wall to secretly enter each others. Nevertheless, Luther had only left recently so you didn't want his room and Allison's room had too much of her stuff in it and you knew even with rearranging you couldn't make it feel like your own. Making your way down the hall you saw Vanya's barren room but decided against it because it was too small. Klaus' room was too messy even though he hadn't been there for years and you felt weird about staying in Ben's room since it was still his when he passed away. All that was left was Diego's room. It wasn't as large as Luther or Allison's but it wasn't as small as Vanya's. You still felt a little awkward about taking it but out of all the options it was the best choice. Hearing a bell ring you went down to the dining room for dinner. Mr. Hargreeves was already there standing behind his seat at the head of the table. You stood behind the seat at the opposite head.

"Sit." He commanded

You sat down and Grace dished out food for both you and Mr. Hargreeves. The dinner was silent, the only sounds were that of the silverware clanking against your plates. When finished you excused yourself from the table. As you were walking away Grace asked,

"Did you pick a room?"

"Ah yes, I'll be staying in Diego's room." You answer

"Well it's not Diego's room anymore silly, it's yours! I'll go get some fresh sheets for the bed."

As you head to Diego's room you quickly get an idea to try and make the room more of your own. Transporting yourself to your old room you grab three items before transporting yourself back to the academy. As you approach Diego's room with the items in your arms you see that Grace had finished making the bed. Entering, you place the items on the desk. The diary replica that your parents gave you, the music box, and the teddy bear that Five gave you. It wasn't much but the items comforted you. Putting on a pair of pajamas you got ready for bed. As you pulled the bedsheets down Grace appeared behind you in the doorway and said,

"Goodnight (Y/N), sleep well."

She started to walk away when you called out,

"Grace?"

"Yes (Y/N)?" she replies

"Do you- do you think you could tuck me in?"

You saw as her expression was both happy and sad in a way. Like there was a piece missing that you somehow filled with that question.

"Of course," She replied a smile coming on to her face

You got into the bed and Grace happily tucked you in. Pulling the covers a top of she couldn't help but feel a sense of completeness that she lost years ago. The house had been so empty since all the kids left, but now she had someone to take care of and although the circumstances were less than great for you she wanted to make sure that she could give you the best. Quietly, she turned the light off and closed the door so you could fall asleep.

After that day the Hargreeves house had become your home. Over the next month, you moved most of your stuff from your old room to your new one. Having your stuff helped to make the transition easier although it also made you miss your past. To pass the time, you religiously wrote in the replica diary about each day but instead of writing dear diary for each entry, you wrote Dear Five. You hoped that if he came back one day you could give him the diary to read about what you were up to so it was like he was always there with you. With some help, you got enrolled in school but wouldn't start until after winter break. Even as you settled into the routine of training and living, you still felt all the emotions that you had that first day. You knew you wouldn't get over them immediately but you wished you had a better outlet. Going to Grace one day you asked her,

"Grace, do you have any ideas on how to get these negative feelings out in a healthy way? I know they won't go away but I'm hoping I can make them less strong."

"Hmm. Well if you put the energy that you spend on those feelings into different activities it might help. You could play the piano again or you can take up a physical sport. I heard boxing is really good for taking negative energy out." Grace responds "Actually I think there is a boxing club in the area. How about you check it out tomorrow?"

"Alright, I can try that. Do you think they're open though, it is Christmas Eve." You reply

"If my knowledge is correct, this one is open 365 days a year." Grace replies

You nodded and once you had figured out where it was you put on exercise clothes. Grace bundled you up in a warm jacket and with that, you walked your way over to the boxing club. Entering you approached a desk where an old man sat.

"Hi, I'd like to learn to box." You say

"You're a little small to learn, don't you think?" He replies

"I have a hundred dollars that say I'm not too small." You state holding up the bill

"Can't argue with that." The old man says taking the cash

He escorts you over to a punching bag.

"Wait here, I'll get you someone to teach you." He says before turning his attention "Hey Kraken, get your ass over here. I need you to teach this kid."

Slowly a man steps out of the boxing ring where he was practicing and walks over to where you and the old man are. The old man walks away as the younger man takes off his gear. He says,

"Hey, I'm-"

But he stops abruptly. The man just stares at you blankly.

"Are you okay?" You ask

"Sorry, you look like someone I used to know." He says

Something about this man felt familiar but you couldn't place it. The man sticks out his hand to shake yours. You go to shake it but when you look down at his wrist he has an all too familiar marking there, a tattoo of an umbrella in a circle. You look at the tattoo before looking up again at the man and start to recognize the features of the boy you used to know, now all grown up.

"Diego?" you question softly

"H-h-how did you know my name?" He stutters

"I knew it because you do know me. It's me, (Y/N)," you reply softly

You can see the confusion on his face turn into a softer expression. Although it might not have been evident to his other siblings, Diego was a deeply emotional person and you saw that exact look you were seeing in his eyes many times before when you two were younger.

"No. It can't be. You look exactly the same, you should be my age" He questions, the emotion on his face becoming more evident

"Accidentally traveling through time will do that to you. Please you have to believe me Eggo." You begged

He was having doubts that it was truly you but that all went away when you called him that name. It was a dumb nickname you gave him when one time Luther refused to let go of him. You kept exclaiming "let go my eggo" as you tried to use your powers to get Luther off. No one else but you ever knew of that. Tears formed in Diego's eyes but quickly after he wrapped his arms around you and picked you up.

"Hey everyone! My sister is back! We thought she went missing but she's back!" Diego exclaims to the people in the boxing club

There are some cheers and congratulations shouted from across the gym as Diego puts you back down. For so long he hoped that you would come back and now here you were like a Christmas miracle. You were more like a sibling to him in the short amount of time he knew you than his own siblings were. Instead of learning to box the two of you talked. You explained everything that you had gone through and your current living situation. He didn't like that you were living in that house with his father but he knew that he didn't have the means to house you nor properly take care of you. One thing he did know is that he was going to make sure that after all this misery you could have a better life. Even though time had gone on and he was older now you were still like a sister to him but now you were his little sister and he was determined to protect you from any harm the world might throw your way. He was going to be the best older brother he could be to you and make sure that you would not have to face the life he did.

And so for the next five years, Diego was there for every important moment in your life, always trying to support you and make it better. He dropped you off on your first day of school when spring semester rolled around and every first day after. He went to every piano recital you had and sat front row. When there was a father-daughter dance fundraiser he went to make sure you weren't alone. He trained you and coached you in boxing and was there for every single match. He planned a huge sweet 16 birthday party using what money he had. He was the one who took you on your first college visits when you were 17. He took time out of his days to practice working on your powers. For everything, he was there and on top of that, he regularly took you out of the house to spend time with you. You were his little sister, his true sister and he wanted you to know it.

Along with everything Diego did for you, you were grateful for some of the things you had gotten in the Hargreeves house. After about a year or so you stopped calling Grace by her name and started to call her mom. If androids could cry tears of joy Grace would have the first time that word left your mouth. Pogo had convinced Reginald to get you a piano play and in an odd act of kindness, he did. Along with that, your powers developed greatly under the supervision of Reginald and Pogo. You were able to do more in terms of manipulating the molecules in the world around you and were able to start seeing disturbances in them as well. Life wasn't perfect but through the years it got easier. But although you were growing up and trying to move on with your life, even after all those years Five never left your mind for a second. You missed him greatly and hated that the last words the two of you shared were ones of anger. You wondered if he was still mad at you. Each moment of every day Five still consumed your mind and you hoped that wherever he was, in another time and place, that he was doing okay and that one day he would come back to you.

Check out the side story here:

The Missing Five Years - “Lost In The Past” Side story

Taglist: @xplrreylo @joebob15274 @insatiable-ivy @fruitsaladtree @angelpeachamber @academy-umbrella @lizziel1410 @ir3neeee @faith-quake @aliens-with-colas @eddiomyspaghettio @lady-celeste25 @im-dead-and-hurting @nerdypinupcrystal @cherry-ki-d @anapocalypseinmymind @vicassa @2cuteforyourlies @taylorsmakingfuckingmacandcheese @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson @shadowycreationcupcake @macaroni-mads @metor-showers1994 @fivehargreevesforthewin @rinko-san @supernovavision @cicilisthebest @flickbix @hi-v-juice @magykal-777 @zosiaduda

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maivalkov · 4 years ago

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I have seen not long ago a post about "spain's dark side" so...your opinion about that? (I kinda have a feeling of knowing why himaruya came up with that and, if I am right, I am not sure if I like it. It's not that I don't like the dark side thing, but if the reason is what I think, then I don't fancy it)

Great question! Please excuse the length of this response in advance, and if I go off on any tangents. To directly answer your question: I have a horrible feeling that Dark Spain is inspired by the Spanish Black Legend/La leyenda negra, and I don't like that at all. You've really hit on an important topic here, so I'm going to extend this discussion. I call this upcoming piece: Why I don't like Dark Spain and why we, as fans and creators, need to be mindful of how we enjoy our beloved series.

Side note before we begin: I'm going to be talking from a writer's perspective, since this is what I mostly do. My opinion is just that, nothing more. Some will agree with me, others won't, and that's okay. If you're happy with the terms, let's crack on.

Part 1: "Dark" characters I'm not against 2P or "dark" versions of a character if it's required for a particular setting. Let me show you what I mean, using some fic plots I just pulled from my head: Example one: You've got this gritty, fantasy gangster city plot. You use a real city as your location, but the characters are human. Antonio's the leader of a huge criminal organisation and therefore he will do incredibly bad things. It's trigger warnings ahoy. Is this portrayal okay? Sure. (read on before you hit that reply button) Example two: You're writing a horror fic. Antonio's a sexy merman who's more likely to decorate his cave with your entrails, than serenade you on a beach. Is this plot fine? Absolutely. It's dark af, but you're writing sexy merman horror. It kinda’ comes with the territory. Did you see how I wrote "fantasy" and "human" in bold? And did you see that I used Antonio, not Spain? There's a reason. I personally believe in this: When your story uses Hetalia characters in their human form (i.e: Antonio is just Antonio, he does not represent Spain), there's much more freedom and flexibility. I've read many excellent works with darker themes who use real locations alongside human versions of the characters, and do so brilliantly. They're wonderful stories, and they don't cause harm. They're fiction. Fantasy. Fiction. Did I mention fiction? On the flip side: When we are writing the characters as country personifications, who represent the people and the history, we must take proper precaution. The same applies to writing about historical events. (To be continued down below.)

Part 2: Dark Spain

As someone who's been in fandom 10+ years now, my problem with Dark Spain is this: a number of creators back in the old days seemed to agree with my Black Legend theory/concerns, and yet they willingly made content for it. Not everybody did this, but I certainly saw some who thought "wow dark crazy Spain because Inquisition", applied it to certain ships because "ohh angst leads to romance, what a plot" and that is wrong on so many levels. If you know the Spanish Black Legend, then you know how bad this is. It's an incredibly difficult topic because it is, in the simplest sense, massive propaganda designed to seriously damage a country's image. I welcome Spanish input on this, but personally I think using this as some edgy portrayal of Antonio in your fics is insulting. Don't bloody well do it.

(Please note that the fandom is MUCH better now, but it doesn't change the fact it has, and could still happen. I used past tense for a reason, as I do think things are improving.)

Russia is another character which suffers this treatment, and I do think we have a responsibility to be considerate. Many countries have done awful things, mine (the UK) included, and yet our characters have escaped receiving this Dark persona. It's not fair, it really isn't. It's a poor judgment call on Himaruya's behalf if my theory is true. If I'm wrong, then this argument is void. Either way I feel like Himaruya should've specified how and why Dark Spain came about. Part 3: Historical writing

Here's where it gets interesting. I'm not saying "don't write historical hetalia fanfiction", and I never will say it because historical fiction exists. You can go in your local bookshop and boom, people are making real money off it.

I'm not one of those lucky sorts, but I am contributing to that genre myself. Despite lots of magic, fantasy and general artistic license, my story Gatito can be considered historicaI.

It's set in England, 1569. Spain and the Netherlands are two of the main characters, and yes, their conflict is referenced. It coincides with the timeline, and all the while I write them as personifications, I can't pretend that tension between them doesn't exist. If I did, that'd probably be even more insulting to their history, and no doubt confusing for the reader.

The main plot is a daft mash of Arthur misusing his magic, a vile fictional man from Antonio's court who wants his head, and poor Netherlands and Portugal get wrapped up in the drama along the way.

The Dutch conflict is featured, but not the plot. The event is occurring right in the middle of a fictional disaster which Antonio is trying to overcome. It's acknowledged, but it's on the side, to put it simply.

I use human names (Antonio and Abel) and explore that situation from an emotional, human perspective. I do not claim that Abel is a victim, and no one thinks he is either. Personal HC time here: I don't think any of the characters look back at their history and think "wow, poor me". Everyone's made mistakes, and they've all played a role in hurting someone else. My history teacher once told me this: The more you look, the more you see. There's many sides to a story, and even to this day, I doubt historians have truly, faithfully documented events so that it's fair on every nation involved. That's why we need to try and learn history from multiple perspectives, and why when writing hetalia characters during a historical event, we should show the reader as many viewpoints as possible. If you don't, then... well. I frown at you. More on this in part 4.

Part 4: Conclusion/advice

I won't pretend to be a saintly figure in the fandom, and this rant is a bit of a mess, but I hope you get what I'm on about. Thank you if you're still reading.

I'm going to finish with a bit of advice that has helped me have a positive time, and allowed me to create works for a series I really love:

1- If your story is historical, and you purposely want to paint a country in a bad light, think before you do. Don't slander another country for the sake of your comfort character or ship. If your story is set during a battle then yes, they can moan about the opposition, but don’t go hardcore. You know what I mean.

2- Research, research, research.

3- You want to write a particular character. Their human name is unconfirmed, or you don't know a part of their history, but you want to write about it. What should you do? Talk. I had this very dilemma regarding Portugal's surnames, and I just asked Portuguese mutuals on Tumblr for help. I received numerous valid responses in under an hour, and I felt better for it. 10/10 highly recommend.

4- If you've gotta' write Dark Spain: Keep. It. Fictional. If you don't believe my theory behind it, cool, crack on. But if you agree with me, then yeah, I've said it enough. Respect the country.

5- DO explore history. It's fascinating.

6- If you write historical hetalia and you feel that something might be misunderstood: PLEASE USE DISCLAIMERS, END NOTES ETC. I write number 6 from experience. There is a scene in Gatito where a significantly stressed Antonio attempts to summarise the Dutch conflict. He's being blamed for countless fictional issues, and rather than think things through, he blames himself for Abel's pain as well. He does it on a purely emotional basis. Have you ever had that really bad day, and things keep getting worse? Someone comes along and says "you did x y z and I'm mad", and rather than argue your side, you accept it?

That's Antonio in that scene. I know it is, because that's how I intended it to be read. His answer is flawed, to say the least, but in his human heart, he can't help it. I used the end notes as a warning/apology/explanation for this scene. I don't want it to be misinterpreted, and I don't want to disrespect Spanish history.

7- If someone does comment/ask about a sensitive, historical part of your work: don't rant. And don't get offended. I believe we all need to talk more. Have conversations about HCs, how we would write/imagine different scenes, and use it to improve your work.

8- Have fun, and be sensible. Thank you again for reading, I hope this helps to some extent. I know I've thrown my opinion out here, but if you strongly disagree with me, don't @. Move on, embrace what you believe, and everyone's a winner. (This really should've been number 9 on the list haha.)

#ask #hws spain

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