#no/extremely low empathy comes with struggles yes

[anti-transphobia]

I really REALLY wish people would start saying "have some sympathy/compassion" instead of "have some empathy". Feelings do often impact actions but....they don't have to. And a lot of problems arise when actions are taken solely based on emotions. The type of empathy I'm best at is cognitive empathy - recognizing and understanding how someone might be feeling - and that's a skill that's shaky at best. Emotional empathy I nearly completely lack. I can count the amount of times someone had made me feel their emotions on one hand (I think about three times in my entire life).

But then there's compassion. Compassion you can do regardless of empathy level. Compassion you can do regardless of how something makes you feel. People can have extreme levels of empathy and choose not to try to help someone that they could. Likewise, people can have zero empathy and choose to help someone. Emotions can influence actions but it's not the only thing that matters

I am technically not no empathy, but I'm so low and so bad at empathy and trying to apply it that I'm virtually no empathy. Moments of true empathy are mostly flukes for me. But I'm a very compassionate person! An example is when someone vents or is sad in a discord server that's really not about that/doesn't have a vent channel for a reason. Do you know how that makes me FEEL? Irritated. Irked. If it's a small line or two, fine, it slips out, especially when your reality sucks. Entire unprompted rants? Trauma dumping in the middle of other people's normal conversations? That pisses me off. But you know what I'll often do? I'll say a few words. Generally my policy is that I'm not going to devote a ton of my own energy at my own detriment for a stranger (had an issue with that online as a teen), but if it doesn't hurt me physically or emotionally to give a few kind words to someone hurting, then I see no reason not to do it. It doesn't take much time from me and it makes someone clearly struggling feel a little bit better. There's zero empathy or any kind of "I feel so bad for you" emotions there, and yet, because I generally believe in trying to make things better if you can, I comfort them. I acknowledge that someone is hurting and play my part to remedy the situation

This is why people need to decouple actions from emotions. You don't have to feel ANYTHING to do the right thing. Something isn't "less good" because their heart wasn't in it. If someone drops their wallet and you return it to them solely out of social obligation, guess what? A wallet has still been returned. Someone's money, debit/credit cards, and entire identity, was not lost. Someone was just saved a ton of grief by a simple act carried out by a person who doesn't give a fuck. The results of your actions is, for most every day circumstances, more important than how you actually feel doing them

[blade-that-was-broken]

Clay wasn’t sure what held him back. Upon the evacuation of the Golf Course, he had taken the rear of the group and although he knew Viva had found some help to get them to some place of relative safety, he had no idea who they were. Or even where they were going. It wasn’t until everyone had gotten away from the course, hours later and the world getting darker, that he started to find out things. He helped his people get settled down for the night, creating makeshift tents and shelters for the night. Everyone was scared. Of course everyone was scared.

They had lost their home.

They had no idea where they were going, what was going to happen, how their future was going to change yet again. First the escape of the Troll Tree and now the evacuation of the Golf Course, everything and anything was uncertain.

Everyone was well settled into a well-defensible clearing. He had heard Viva let a few scouts go around the edges to make sure things were okay and keep an eye out. He eventually found Viva settling in next to a fire with a couple other trolls - both familiar and unfamiliar - huddled around on logs dragged from the forest. He took a breath and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to collect himself, letting the smell of the fire and the crackling of the flames fill his senses.

“And here we thought Johnny here was the last pop troll around,” one of their guides cackled. He had some sort of strange accent Clay couldn’t identify and he couldn’t quite make out the form of the troll from the shadows, despite the illumination of the fire.

He could see Viva rather clearly. She looked a little confused but also curious. “What do you mean?”

“Well… Johnny left home for a bit and when he came back? Everyone was destroyed,” the troll responded. Another troll draped in shadows tensed. It was all Clay could make out from him. “Some of us saw a bit of it… it was… yikes. And after what he told us about… those giants? He thought that everyone had been eaten.”

Viva looked nervous. “The tree looks that bad?”

There was a hesitation. Another troll, who hadn’t spoken yet, let out a quiet, low, “Yes.”

“It was rough there for a while,” the first troll said, continuing to speak. “For him, I mean. Spent years with the gray and you know what comes with that…”

“I do?” Viva echoed.

Grayness wasn’t exactly a very common phenomenon around Pop trolls. They were naturally optimistic and happy, easy to forgive and extremely adaptable. Not everyone knew much about grayness and it was hardly mentioned in school work. Clay knew a bit about it, with some of the sad novels he read, but even he didn’t quite understand it all. He supposed, he had never really quite tried either.

“Hopelessness,” the troll said. “It’s only in the last few years, he’s gotten some of his color back.”

If the subject of their conversation seemed to have any objection to being talked about - and his struggles - he didn’t say anything. Viva looked between the group, the other Putt Putt trolls exchanging uneasy glances. “How… long-?”

“Uh,” the second troll - Johnny, Clay thought he remembered him being called - trailed off, uncertainly. “Over ten years? Maybe thirteen?”

“That…” Viva frowned worriedly. “We escaped about 14 years ago.”

“I wasn’t gone long.”

“And you thought your family was dead this entire time?” One of the Putt Putt Trolls - Flora - looked something akin to horrified with a touch of understanding and empathy. No one was entirely sure if anyone else escaped. They all suspected but no one knew who had survived and who had not. And no one was quite brave enough to go out and try to find them.

“If… If you survived, perhaps my brothers did as well,” the voice was barely a whisper and had a flicker of hesitant hope. “But I don’t want to count on it.”

“Why not?”

“He doesn’t want to be struck down again,” the first troll answered for him, understanding. “False hope can be devastating.”

“Other pop trolls survived,” Viva said, strongly. “The escapees. We were caught by Bergens and then escaped. There are others but we just don’t know where they are.”

“If they’re out there, they are exceptionally difficult to find.”

****

Clay followed John into the woods, his big brother humming a slow, unfamiliar tune. It sounded almost sad but that didn’t make any sense. He had never known his brother to listen to any sad music. John just started piling sticks next to a tree.

He had waited, momentarily, when John left the fire. Viva had glanced at him, a little confused but she trusted him. They talked about John almost like he wasn’t even there and although they talked in abstract riddles, Clay tried to piece together some things. Like his brother came back to the tree - for them - and thought his entire family was dead. Had for well over a decade. Just the thought made Clay sick to his stomach.

“John Dory.”

His brother turned around but his face just fell into a disappointed but almost concerned frown. Okay, so Clay wasn’t sure what he was expecting but he wasn’t expecting that for sure. It was like John was unhappy to see him. Perhaps he just should have known better. They had separated on terrible terms and John had said goodbye forever. The talk around the fire made it seem like he wanted his brothers back, to be alive. The look on his face told a different story.

“Oh. I guess I should have seen this coming.”

That was really not what he was expecting. “What?”

“One mention of my dead brothers and my brain decides yeah, lets hallucinate again,” John’s chuckle was hollow and without humor and it made Clay’s stomach turn over at least a dozen times.

“What?”

John squinted at him, slightly confused. “You don’t have to sound so shocked. I know you know.”

“I know?” Clay echoed, far more confused.

“Well, get on with it.”

“Get on… with?”

“I'd rather you leave quickly so I don’t have to take hallucination medication again. It messes with my memory and I’d like to keep whatever memories I do have at this point.”

“Get on with what?”

John tilted his head. “You’ve never acted this way before.”

“In your hallucinations?” Clay asked for clarification. “How does it usually go?”

“Lots of yelling, upset remarks, blame anger, etc. Guilt. Not you but me, obviously.”

That wasn’t obvious to Clay.

“Then you usually spout out how much you hate me and I just laugh.”

Clay’s stomach dropped. “Laugh?”

“Of course.”

“Why would you laugh?”

“Because you could never hate me as much as I hate myself.”

Clay sucked in a breath. “I don’t hate you.”

John looked mildly surprised, like he wasn’t expecting that answer. Clay wondered how many times John’s mind had told him that, using Clay’s face.

“Do you miss me?”

John snorted again. “That is a dumb question.”

Clay tried not to look hurt. “You used to tell me there was no such thing as dumb questions.”

“There isn’t. Except for that one. Well… except another one too but you haven’t asked me that one. I’m grateful for that.”

“What is the other dumb question?”

“Asking if I love you.”

Clay blinked. He had never really thought to ask that. No matter how much answer and resentment he held onto, for no matter how long, that never crossed his mind. And he was grateful for that. “I don’t need to ask a question I already know the answer to.”

He was pretty sure John was holding his breath. He was scared.

“I know you love me.”

And he let it out. “I do. Although I am a little surprised my brain is trying to assure me of that. That you know.”

“Do you think you have enough sticks?”

“Are you sticking along? Sometimes Pete is an ass about it.”

“About what?”

“The hallucinations.”

Oh right. John didn’t know he was real. “I won’t be obnoxious.”

He sighed. “Well, I can’t get rid of my guilty conscious so whatever.”

[leonardoeatscarrots]

I agree with you about all the issues of The Chosen, but i didn't understand the mislabeling mental ilnesses, were you referring to Mary Magdalene?

Ehhh kind of? Moreso the way they picture possessed characters in general.

While I understand that demons, and more specifically possession, are a part of biblical Canon, the way they are tackled in The Chosen is distasteful in my personal opinion.

The primary reason being that the symptoms used to indicate possession have a heavy overlap with symptoms of real life mental health issues and physical conditions.

Such as:

Seizure

Strokes

Tourretes/other involuntary movements

Meltdowns/outbursts/anger issues

Panick attacks

Hypermobilty

Schizophrenia or similar disorders

Drug use disorders

Self injury

Really anything that may cause unpredictable behavior, distorted sense of self, ""unnatural movements"", low/no empathy and bad understanding of social cues (actually happened to me once, weird story), and WAY more. This is in no way a conclusive list.

This actually has a sort of explanation. Because back in Ye Olde Times of Jesus Christ they didn't have these kinds of diagnoses. So, they would have come up with something to explain these undesirable behaviors. This is exactly why early civilizations have mythology and religion to begin with, in order to explain what they don't understand.

In Mary Magdaline's case specifically, she showed a lot of symptoms of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, etc. And for a moment, I was actually really excited to see where they would take this narrative. To me, it seemed very clear that they were intending to have serious discussions of mental health. Until later in the show, it was revealed that it was, in fact, SERIES CANON that a demon possession was the thing that cast her into the initial situation.

Added with every other demon possession in the show....

I think it's pretty self-explanatory why this is bad, but for those who need it: this only isolates disabled people from the church, dehumanizes them, teaches people they are scary, unnatural, undesirable, and in extreme cases corrupt. It makes the religion as a whole look... quite unsavory.

And while it might seem absurd or irrelevant now, I am very sorry to tell you that there is a crowd of people out there who still genuinely believe in demon possessions. I myself have been accused (once again, complicated), and I have a family member who was also accused. I know that's only two cases, but that's two too many in one lifetime if you ask me. And even if people don't believe that, there is still a very real stigma that follows it.

Now, I understand that with those sorts of events happening in the Bible, the show writers probably didn't want to cut them out. BUT with a semi-omnitient son-of-God character in their toolbelt, they could just say that while the main cast assumes it's a demon, Jesus knows its not really (maybe plays along just for the sake of not confusing anyone) and helps the individual and their problem.

This fix would not only help humanize people with these struggles, instead of LITERALLY demonizing them, but it would also add a little more intrigue to Jesus as a character, especially in a place where disabled folks previously felt unwelcome.

[worldwhampion]

APOLLO NMS IS AUTISTIC-CODED 2/2

here's the google doc for much better reading! (also contains a small epilogue)

Now comes the psychological characteristics.

6. Alexithymia

 Apollo struggles with expressing both personal matters and feelings . Null had this to say concerning that: “Two lost souls… one who cared too much, and one who cared too little.“ As you can guess, the ‘one who cared too little’ was referring to apollo. They do in fact have the capacity for caring - however little it is - though not the capacity for clearly expressing it. I feel like they are reluctant to do so (perhaps out of fear?), along with that they just simply don’t know how. This falls in with alexithymia, or low empathy: to sum up, a lack of emotional awareness, difficulty articulating feelings and identifying them from both themself and others - another common autistic trait. One example of their lack of emotional awareness is when they seemed to attach more importance to making money rather than the safety of artemis - they didn’t sense the psychological gravity of the situation and how artemis was in deep distress. In addition to that, they couldn’t bring themself to connect with Artemis and their passionate dream of meeting up, which they do seem to genuinely regret later on. Another example is their reluctance to share more about their farm: “Yes, I have a farm. What of it? It’s not much, mostly fruit I've found in my travels, but I'm hoping to expand… anyway this is no concern of yours.“ They replied notably dismissively when asked. I think there is a certain group of autistic people who converse on a need-to-know basis, meaning that they’ll share certain things (e.g. talk) only when they have to, even holding back on small trivial topics - especially if it’s personal. I’m again talking out of personal experience here, this used to be the case when i was younger. I’m not sure why I was like that, though I think there was a certain amount of ‘logic’ behind it. For some reason it just made sense to me to talk only when needed. Moreover I somehow had a tendency to avoid getting personal (i actually still do to some extent). Like Apollo, younger me too was rather standoffish due to this. 

There are two quotes i found on the wikipedia page about the ‘apollo archetype’, a kind of psychological personality type, which somehow describes our apollo nms uncannily well: 

“Individuals who resemble Apollo have difficulties that are related to emotional distance, such as communication problems, and the inability to be intimate… Rapport with another person is hard for the Apollo man. He prefers to access (or judge) the situation or the person from a distance, not knowing that he must "get close up" – be vulnerable and empathic – in order to truly know someone else….”

And:

“The introvert is likened to Apollo, who shines a light on understanding. The introvert is focused on the internal world of reflection, dreaming, and vision. Thoughtful and insightful, the introvert can sometimes be uninterested in joining the activities of others.”

 These here sum them right up, from top to bottom.

7. Hyperfixation on money

They were quite literally hyperfixated on making money. It was just about the only thing that mattered to them in life, to the point of bringing more detriment rather than benefit in terms of emotional comfort. Hyperfixations usually bring profound joy, but when to the extreme they can interfere with daily life. It can cause individuals to neglect their basic needs, such as self-care, as well as their social life, like fostering healthy relationships. The intense focus on one thing leads to the exclusion of everything else. Outside of money, they didn’t seem to have any other sources of happiness (outside of farming fruit, though that seemed to be only a minor detail); limited interests are one of the main autism diagnostic criteria. The reason they likely disregarded artemis was due to this - artemis had nothing in common with their interest. Though it’s interesting how Apollo still showed a good amount of concern about them despite that. It makes you wonder what kind of attitude they exactly had to each other. When they helped the traveler with saving artemis, they initially only did so in order to make money - they had to shift the goal of the undertaking to commit themself to it. And when they started to reconsider what place money truly had in the world, they had an identity crisis - from which they could die depending on dialogue choices. They had an interesting line if you say money is indeed what matters the most: “I have learned to love my chains.“ I’m not so sure on how to interpret this, but one thing’s for sure that their hyperfixation with money is not healthy at all.

8. Potential masking

This one’s rather more of a headcanon based on what is told: Apollo is masking. Autism masking can be described as a social strategy used to mimic neurotypical behavior, which requires conscious effort to carry out. Usually this is done in order to feel a sense of belonging and to avoid bullying, and it can take a toll on your mental health if kept over the long term. It could also be used to succeed at work environments, which seems to be largely the case for Apollo, since they’re implied to often deal with negotiating contracts. This line of work demands strong conversational skills, as parties try to successfully convince each other into reaching a desired outcome. Though Apollo's definitely more on the side of introversion. One line that’s stuck with me is this: “I'll send you to a contact of mine, they'll supply you with what you need. just remember to be polite.“ I get the impression that Apollo has to consciously monitor their own body language and words during such negotiations. However unpleasant this may be for them, I feel like their strong desire for money compensates just enough for them to endure it.

9. Unusual vocabulary

In conversation, Apollo uses a rather unusual vocabulary. (This could be partly due to the influence of their work’s economical jargon). This line is an example: “Consider it a gift, my little investment into our partnership.” And probably their most well-known line: “what are units for if not to assert dominance over your fellow lifeforms?“ One thing that’s less widely mentioned is that autistics sometimes tend to use odd verbose sentence constructions - which are more like literary expressions - in order to get their point across. I gotta say, this way you can indeed carry your thoughts over precisely as they are in your head. And some tend to stick with grammatically correct sentences too. Apollo does seem to be like such a person to me.

10. Monotonous speech

Odd voice tones are also a part of some autistic speech patterns. Examples are unusual articulations of words while speaking - or monotonous speech, wherein few tone variations are expressed indicating emotion. Considering Apollo is synthetic, their speaking voice would indeed be quite monotonous. That’s why they have to rely more on body language to make their feelings clear (consciously or unconsciously), like I said before. 

So yeah! In this essay I conclude that apollo nms is autistic-coded.

---

Pt. 1 < pt.2

[dmtech30]

Ending 2023 and Navigating the Tech Terrain

As the year draws to a close, I want to look back at my software development journey and how it has been truly a mix of highs and lows. Completing a software engineering bootcamp was a significant milestone, and the experience has been both challenging and rewarding. I've gained valuable hands-on experience by collaborating in cross-functional teams, contributing to various projects, and dedicating countless hours to a hackathon. The sense of accomplishment that comes from seeing a project through, especially within tight timeframes, has truly made the journey memorable. Working alongside fellow developers and designers has not only honed my technical skills but also provided a taste of the collaborative and fast-paced nature of the software development field. I loved learning alongside people who came from different backgrounds and experiences and I look forward to more teamwork in my future.

Throughout this year, I've undergone a significant learning curve, experiencing moments of both joy and tears, and bursts of anxiety I am managing to overcome. Despite the challenges, I persevered, recognizing that my passion for integrating myself into the tech field was more profound than ever. I realized I owe it to myself to truly explore my potential and see what I can accomplish and create despite the lingering difficulties of getting my foot in the door.

I am not alone in this journey. I understand that there are thousands of us that are experiencing this extremely competitive job market as a junior software developer, whether you just recently graduated from a traditional university, a bootcamp, or coming from a self taught path. Grappling with imposter syndrome, self doubt, and feeling the weight of expectations and pressure is a commonality that I know a lot of people share at this time. It's understandable that during the job application process, everyone becomes a competitor, but I hold a great deal of empathy for those navigating this journey. It's undeniably challenging, and rejections are a universal struggle for everyone involved. I aim to add on to the plethora of resources available that helps other developers and people in general navigate the challenges of job hunting and helping people remember that their worth is not diminished by the rejections and ghosting they may encounter. In this competitive field, you are worth something.

Securing a job in software engineering or the tech industry is not a straightforward or effortless endeavor for most people right now. You need to know exactly what you're getting yourself into and truly really want this to keep pushing through and elevating yourself despite the odds.

These days I'm still learning new frameworks, algorithms, deepening my knowledge on what I have already learned, and working on a mobile development project for a client as a freelancer. Although I don't necessarily have the security of a job with benefits at the moment, what I do have is time to work on my experience. I'm learning to be grateful for the time granted to me. I'm not going to let rejections stop me from doing what I want to do and will continue to push the limits of what I'm capable of. Resilience is the audacity to keep telling yourself "Yes, I can!" even in the face of countless "No, we found someone better." There may be people who are better fit for certain positions than you for whatever reason, but you can make something out of yourself despite these rejections. It takes restructuring, re-strategizing, and resilience. I wanted to start this blog to really start sharing my experiences, resources, projects, and really a channel for me to open myself up with hopes that it may help someone who comes across this blog. If you made it this far in reading, thank you for your time and I hope you reach your goals in life and enjoyed the journey along the way :)

[the80srewinders]

We share some of those experiences above, so I'll add which ones I experience and add my own that haven't been listed.

- Alters with low empathy and no empathy (not many of those)

- Alters with extreme anger issues (they rarely ever break our things but they do harm the body a lot)

- Alters with extreme suicidal and homicidal urges (and the worst part is, I can't tell which alter these come from, all I know is it's from one or more of the hidden alters.)

-Alters that tell me to or make me feel like reenacting past trauma, sometimes they do reenact it themselves

-I have seconds where I can't move or do anything when I'm heavily dissociated. I hope I never have it last into long periods. Adding to this, I feel overstimulated and disconnected from the world during the paralysis from dissociation.

-We only have seconds where we're dizzy and uncoordinated from dissociation. We get... confused and don't know what to do next or forget what we're supposed to do and get uncoordinated.

-We already have bad depth perception and really bad environmental perception anyway, especially with where sounds are coming from. If we're too detached from the environment we'll have trouble with all of that.

-Most of the time, we are numb physically. We can feel but ignore physical sensations, or completely have no physical sensations at all.

- We only feel like passing out from dissociation when we're derealized but yes, we have this sometimes.

-Most of our amnesia is blackout amnesia, and the worst part is I don't even notice it until I find something I did but don't even remember doing. My consciousness doesn't even feel like it cuts out or going to sleep, I have a sense of continuous consciousness, but the events I think happened really didn't. I remember nothing correctly at all and nothing at all during amnesic switches.

-A lack of perception of time. For us, it feels like time is longer than it really is and like days mishmash into each other. We can't remember who did what on what day and get it wrong when we try to remember. And we feel like things that happened today happened yesterday and if we take a nap that fucks up our perception of time especially with memories.

-Rapidly revolving interests and care about people. Growing up this was my main struggle and is why I called myself having an "identity crisis" at 13 (didn't know what DID was yet tho) i had several different set phases id go thru that got "triggered" by seeing/hearing something from those phases and none of them really felt like "me" and i feel uncomfortable and not in control of myself during all of them. id also care about and wanna be friends with some people then a week or so later not care as much just to wanna be their friends and care about them again (mostly w toxic ppl)

-A persecutor who is also an internal handler, they have no or a masked internal appearance, they don't have a name or won't share it, nothing is known about them except they torture us every second we don't fall into the beliefs we were programmed to have or our abusers have. They tell me to kill myself and cut myself or other self harm, and hate the alters I love.

-Little to no internal communication most of the time. Having to call out "mentally loudly" to most alters to get them to respond. Then it's not clear or feels simulated which makes me feel like I'm faking and delusional.

-Mostly fragments who have little to no identity, never front, might not even be able to control the body, they're just... there and useless. The only thing they do is make more identity issues and probably other dissociation by existing.

-Most of the time, I don't hear from alters without me instigating communication and I rarely switch especially amensic switching. Its just me, being spacey and having to mentally yell at myself to pull myself together and struggle to do so, unable to feel most emotions except heavy negative ones, getting stuck daydreaming or just in general not fully "there" I don't even see myself outside my body that much (besides memories) or derealize that much, dp and dr are episodic and last a week or a little longer. I don't dissociate stereotypically, so I feel like I don't dissociate at all or even have DID or trauma. I have to be constantly reassured what I experience is dissociation, but that's bc people online exaggerate and act like they dissociate worse than they really do or like you can't have did unless you depersonalize and or derealize all the time when that's literally just depersonalization derealization disorder.

- Feeling like an imposter to everything. I don't even feel like I really feel my feelings and like I secretly feel something else, like I am pretending to be human, like I am simulating trauma and my alters, etc. Which the more I feel like I'm simulating things the more I get dpdr triggered.

-I can't even go into any place with a warehouse ceiling (home depot for example) or extremely bright lights without getting so overstimulated and disconnected from my environment I get disoriented. I get noticeably spaced out. I have worse memory issues. If any alters are co fronting, they forget who they are or get blurry. I feel sweaty, like passing out, and too overwhelmed when I try to "connect to the real world" I also develop headaches and there's been many times I've been in warehouse ceilings or bright lights and split an alter after and the headache seems to be worse when bright lights are involved

-Headaches from splitting! These are worse than ordinary headaches, I have other health issues that cause headaches, and splitting headaches feel nothing like a "normal" headache. These are way more intense and are still there after naps and even a full night's sleep. There's also more dissociation when I'm splitting.

-Having to keep your condition secret because people irl would use it against you somehow. I've been told I did things I didn't by someone irl who found out I have DID. I have to keep my disorder secret for fear of it being used to gaslight me or frame me.

-Flashbacks that don't feel real, make you think you're making it all up, or are so disorienting because they're so sudden and come with bad physical sensations. I have this a lot. And being triggered into those flashbacks easily. For me, just looking under a bed causes them, and I have other triggers I'm not gonna list here because they're too graphic.

Sorry if I added too much, I just figured I'd add most things I felt comfortable sharing about our experiences.

Things our system has that people would treat us like a monster/horror trope over:

- Not only alters with low empathy, alters with no empathy at all

- Alters with extreme anger issues that break our things and litter our body with cuts and bruises

- Alters with extreme suicidal and/or homicidal urges

- Alters who try to reenact our past traumas

- Alters who cannot recognize our own apartment or partner and try to run away (without keys or our phone or even shoes, not recognizing those objects as ours)

- Periods of dissociation so intense we cannot move no matter how serious the consequences

- Periods of dissociation so intense we become dizzy and uncoordinated

- Periods of dissociation so intense our depth perception fails

- Periods of dissociation so intense we have trouble feeling physical sensations

- Dissociation so heavy we become pale and in danger of passing out

- Amnesia to the point it hampers any social life we try to have

This disorder is a traumatic one. Feel free to add on with your experiences.

[trauma-aquarium]

Okay brace yourselves, folks, this is the story of how I discovered owls living in my stove exhaust thingy on the upper floor and how I saved them from death by the hands (claws) of crows, and they became my guardians.

It all started when I was in my backyard and by chance, saw an owl peeking at me from the exhaust outlet on the upper floor.

Sorry for the low quality I had to zoom a lot from my sorry excuse of a phone. 

Anyways, this is mommy owl and she had given birth to a lot of noisy kids which we could hear and smell (fowl smell) from the kitchen, and it was really hard to go to the upper floor without wanting to throw up. My father insisted we call someone and get the owls out and leave them in a yard or something.

What my father didn’t know was that me and my elder brother are softies when it comes to birds (he’s a softie for birds, i’m a softie for all animal-kind). So this man comes and after much struggle and a screeching mother (and a possible father), we manage to take out the owls.

And as you can see, they were very angry. These are the kids, mind you.

Anyways, me, the only one in the family with actual empathy for animals (and less empathy for humans bc why) and a brain that works when it comes to their care, I took these little owls to the balcony, quite close to the exhaust outlet you just saw, hoping their parents would come and maybe take them or whatever. Only then I realized that the parents themselves were smol, and couldn’t quite possibly take them anywhere. So here they are, in my balcony, defenseless, especially during the day.

And they were FIVE OWL BABIES. I was suddenly a single mother at the age of 20. 

Anyways, I pet them, they try to bite me and I’m okay with that, my softie brother also gets scared easily so he just watches me do my thing- that being making them feel comfortable and safe, providing food which they didn’t quite eat bc babies. 

But then I had to be on guard duty because of the damned crows who came in groups (freaking murder of crows) and tried to attack/literally murder or eat alive the poor babies. And I was having none of that.

In the hot month of May, I was on day duty scaring off crows and praying the mother would return at night. Oh, and she did. Probably cursed at me for wrecking her home (sorry but it was inevitable) and shouted at me to leave, and I did, fearing what tomorrow held.

But tomorrow was the same.

So the mother and the possible dad disappeared during the days, but the babies were active (somewhat) probably because of all the noise me and the crows made. I did my thing- petted them, gave them water, played with them if they felt like it. They gave me rashes but I was okay.

Days passed, and the owls were entering pre-teens (judging by how they started rebelling and fighting with each other) and finally came out of the little tub on their own. I felt so proud. Now they had the whole balcony all to themselves (and me, of course). And they were scared of me no more. I would help them in and out of the tub if they wanted. 

They would sleep near the stairs and I’d caress their heads and they’d give me a smile (no i didn’t imagine that). And the crows would come and they would get scared for a second and look like this:

Yellow eyes. So cute.

Anyways, the mother owl and I had an understanding now too. Where she previously used to scare me when sunset approached and screech at me, she would now simply come and sit at one of the wires in front of my house and watch me pet her children and say NOTHING. And then I would wave at her and go inside and she would come and feed her children. She wasn’t all that bad. And the possible father would guard or something- I could see them from downstairs if I walked in front of my house.

This whole ordeal lasted for two months before the kids were finally old enough to fly, and I may have cried happy tears. I thought it was over now- they would move away and we’d never see each other again. But then-

I saw this from my window, my room being downstairs (don’t mind the wires, it was to keep robbers out bc robbers suddenly decided our housing society was a good place to collect money from). So everyday sunset, I’d draw my curtains apart and they would come and sit right outside my window (look at how grown they are!) and we’d screech at each other which was our love language.

So whenever I went out for a walk, there would be 5 kids and sometimes, their mommy, my guardians now. They would walk with me (fly with me, actually.) They would jump from wire to wire and occasionally, when they didn’t feel shy, they would scoop really low, circle around me and go back.

Yes. I was their Disney Princess, and I fucking felt like it too.

I called them ‘my owl friends’. I’d go out at night, look around and say ‘my owl friends, where y’all at?’ and they would come, making weird owl noises, circle around me and walk with me.

It was truly magical, and though I’m a huge cat person, I wouldn’t mind living with owls (even though they’re extremely smelly sometimes and want to eat me sometimes bc meat).

Here’s a last cute picture of my owl besties

I love them so much. I moved houses (only like three streets away but the owls couldn’t have known... could they?) and had to leave them behind, but here’s where a plot twist happens.

I think they might have put in a good word about me in the owl community, because the owls- different ones- occasionally come by. And they only come to ME.

Like this one time I was in the front yard of my house and two owls paid a visit.

Or this one time I was walking in the park in front of my house and two owls circled around me, ignoring my mom and little brother, and sat on a tree, watching me the whole time.

Either I’m a Disney Princess or these owls are planning some weird shit. Whatever it is, I’m in for it.

[astaroth1357]

(Yes, I still have more requests but I need a creativity break. This has been in my drafts for a while so I share it with you now)

How to Comfort Your Demon Boyfriend

Have Some Sympathy for the Devil...

Demons are amoral beings by nature. This lack of natural empathy and ethical restraint can make them appear to be heartless, but nothing is farther from the truth. In fact, your beloved hellspawn can feel happiness and love just as well as you can but that also means they can experience sadness too... When this happens it’s only natural to want to cajole your lover back to high spirits, but this task can be easier said than done. For cases when your demon has taken up sorrow, our guide How to Comfort Your Demon Boyfriend is here to help! This volume will offer you some of the best advice on the market for how to bring your demon back to happiness as any lover would want to do. With our help, you should see that frown lift right off your partner’s face just like when they torment the beings left for eternal damnation, guaranteed!

Lucifer

Lucifer will not want to make his sorrow known to you at first. He prefers to present an image of power and composure which in his mind goes against the vulnerability sadness can bring. You will have to be mindful and watch out for changes in his behavior.

If he is: avoiding your presence, working even more than usual, being stricter on others, emotionally distant, isolating himself, or listening to an inordinate amount of classical music it may be time to intervene.

Engage Lucifer on this only when he is alone. This won’t be too difficult as he will likely be avoiding people anyway.

Approaching Lucifer on a matter this sensitive should be done with caution and great care. You have very little room for error. If you make a gaff or try to speak to him in a way he deems belittling, then he may shut you out further and then you’re back at square one.

Do you best to convey concern, compassion, and sincerity. In your mind you should not be speaking to the Avatar of Pride right now. You should be approaching someone very dear to you whom you can tell is hurting.

If Lucifer is not ready to speak, he will try to console you but give you no concrete answers for his behavior. This is normal, and a tad frustrating, but not a complete shutdown. You can wait for a time (at least overnight) and then try again.

Do not interrogate him. He may not feel comfortable divulging why he's upset just yet. Simply tell him what you’ve noticed about his behavior and express concern.

When Lucifer is finally ready to tell you what has him so gloomy, take care to listen intently. He may only admit this once. 

Once the information is out in the open, assess what can be done and what advice you can offer. Lucifer isn’t one to speak idly about his problems, he will likely be seeking some kind of actionable guidance more than a willing ear. Offer all suggestions empathetically, with the understanding that he values your opinion even if he doesn't take your advise.

A new plan of action will likely soothe him the most, but if he still appears to be troubled after your discussion you can offer him further relaxation options: tea, a hot bath, more classical music, pleasant conversation, etc. 

Now that he’s let you in, he shouldn’t begrudge your presence anymore so remain with him for as long as you feel is necessary. To some extent, Lucifer needs solitude to sort out his thoughts but he’s not the best at doing the same for his emotions. Remind him, gently, that some battles take two to win.

Mammon

If Mammon is upset, you’re probably going to know about it. Where Lucifer is reserved and secretive, Mammon is overt and transparent. He may not mean to be but it is what it is. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

Signs that Mammon may be in distress include: avoidance to particular topics, unconvincing denial, crying, clinginess, impulsivity, and, in extremes, desperation.

If Mammon is upset he will naturally gravitate to you for comfort. This certainly makes your task easier so long as you pick up on the signs quickly.

Physical closeness will do wonders for easing his mood. If you’re alone, I’d suggest holding him in some way but doing so in public may make him too embarrassed to actually enjoy your comfort. If you’re with others, allow him to hold you.

Get him talking. It won’t be very difficult, so just let him air out what the problem is. He may just need to complain about a bad day or some unfair treatment and that’s totally fine. Offer him a sympathetic ear.

After he’s done speaking, assess where his mood is now. If he still seems particularly gloomy, it may be the time to deploy other measures to bring him back to happiness.

Affection and humor are the best methods to use when dealing with a sad Mammon. Make a joke at the expense of whoever/whatever is troubling him then take the time to remind him of something positive about himself or your bond. He won’t accept these compliments verbally (but he won’t want you to stop them either).

If even this is not enough (and you’re feeling generous), you can offer to take him shopping or out to eat on your expense. Be warned that he will NEVER refuse this offer and you best have the funds to cover his (immense) expenses. Grimm can’t buy you happiness, but if you’re Mammon it comes very, very close.

Leviathan

Chances are if Levi is sad it’s due to an insecurity of some kind nagging at him. Like Mammon, he generally won’t be very subtle about it.

Look for these signs: melancholy, self-deprecation, envious statements, the phrase “It’s not fair!,” increased anime/game usage, crying, loss of appetite, lack of sleep, increased possessiveness.

Leviathan will periodically go through moods of self-doubt that will cause him to deflate and draw inward. He will not be able of pull himself out of these recurring regressions so it will be up to you to take notice of when he’s struggling.

If you see signs that he is falling victim to his thoughts, it's best to comfort him some before getting to the bottom of what’s wrong.

Find a way to hold him, if he’s currently playing a game then either wait for him to reach a stopping point or ask politely if he will pause so you can give him some affection. He will likely cling onto you in some way once he’s ready to speak. This is normal behavior, allow him to be as close as he needs and pat his head. He will find this soothing. 

Now gently ask him what has him so upset and assess the situation. Levi may have several insecurities but always remember that he also has many strengths. Downplay his weaknesses and bolster those strengths when necessary.

He may not appear to believe your compliments at first, but this initial denial is normal. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. Your words mean more to him than anyone else’s, even his own. There will be a point where he stops attempting to refute your claims, that is a sign that they have reached him.

With his self-esteem bolstered, seal the deal with more affection. Kisses, hugs, and other forms of intimacy are all acceptable as he is in sore need of all options. Monitoring Levi’s emotional wellbeing is not a task for the faint of heart, yet it can still be a rewarding experience to those who wish to love this awkward otaku.

Satan

Satan takes a little after Lucifer in that he won’t be very obvious when he’s upset, but even more so because he’s already very used to acting against what he may be feeling.

Signs that Satan is in need of comfort will be subtle, but not impossible to spot. Look for if: he’s reading at nearly all times or gravitating especially toward one particular topic (this will be in response to a problem he may be facing), irritability, impatience, melancholy, or he’s more quiet/withdrawn than usual.

It is best to approach Satan about this in solitude but you need not be in private.

There is little need to walk on eggshells when asking him about his mood. Simply present your concerns in an honest and compassionate manner. Chances are, he was only hiding his problems so not to trouble you. Being direct in telling him that he doesn’t burden you will likely get him to open up just fine.

Again, like Lucifer, he will probably be seeking a solution to what’s bothering him more than he will need to vent. It’s alright if you don’t have an answer for him right away, if he’s looking for one himself it may not be a very simple problem.

Offer your support and maybe help him brainstorm what sort of steps he can take. Knowing that you’ve noticed his emotional state and are behind him fully will reassure him greatly.

If this problem has him particularly downtrodden, offer him a good book or some sort of cat-related activity/item. This should perk him up considerably because the thing he loves second to only you, is cats.

Asmodeus

If Asmodeus is upset, you WILL know.

He is not subtle in the slightest so finding signs won’t be much of a challenge. If he is: crying, moping, acting uncharacteristically withdrawn, shying away from partying, buying excessive amounts of makeup/clothing/jewelry, etc. then he is likely in need of comfort.

Approach Asmo anywhere that you can find him and ask him why he what's wrong. There isn’t any need to hide his feelings from others, he’s very open about his emotions.

He will probably tell you immediately and may need to vent in the process. Listen patiently to what he has to say with a sympathetic ear. This is a therapeutic release for him and a very important step towards making him feel better.

Once he’s done, offer him physical comfort. A hug or kisses should suffice, but it can be taken farther to whatever level you are most comfortable with. He will appreciate any contact that’s offered regardless.

If time passes and he still seems unusually somber, offer to take him shopping or to go to a spa of some kind. This may not completely rid him of his sadness, but it will help bring him back to higher spirits. 

Asmodeus’ emotions run deep and can be very intense, both in highs and lows. Do not feel inadequate if it takes a few days to fully rid him of a bad mood. Just be there for him as best you can and he will love and be grateful to you for every minute of it, regardless.

Beelzebub

Beelzebub is not likely to voice his sadness, but it can still be picked up on pretty quickly if you know what to look for.

Look for these signs: he’s eating less/smaller portions than usual, unfinished plates, general looks of sorrow or unhappiness, exercising more/in excess of what's healthy, and gravitation towards comfort foods.

The first thing to note is there’s a chance that his sadness isn’t his own, but Belphegor’s just carrying over to him due their twin connection. It may be advantageous to check on Belphie before approaching Beel just in case. (For more on cheering up Belphegor, consult the next section).

If Belphie is fine, then go to Beel and gently ask him what’s wrong. Again, there is little need to beat around the bush here. Like Satan, he probably just didn’t want to trouble you.

The chances are that he’s upset about a family matter or he’s having nightmares again. If it’s a problem within the family, first ascertain if there’s an upset between him and Belphie. If the twins are having a spat, the best way to cheer him up would be to help resolve it.

For other family related issues, please seek out our supplementary material: On Demonic Family Relations & How to Resolve Demonic Family Squabbles

If he’s having nightmares, then you should consider monitoring what food he eats before bed and stay with him while he sleeps if you are not already. It will comfort him to have you close. The nightmares should pass eventually, but be there to give him love and support until they do. 

Beel may look big and intimidating, but he has the most heart of any demon out there. If he has gifted it to you, it’s only natural for you to feel distressed if he’s not acting like his usual self. Just remember that a downcast Beel is not the end of the world, nor something that can’t be righted with a bit of love and effort to reach out.

Belphegor

In truth, Belphegor is more prone than the rest to suffer from bouts of sadness regularly. There may not be an obvious cause for these dips in mood, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to help.

Belphie is very hard to read at times so physical indicators of sadness won’t be easy to catch. It may take some added familiarity with him to know when he’s acting differently than usual. Stay patient, vigilant, and empathetic. You will pick up on it eventually.

Look for these signs: increased apathy, melancholy, excessive sleepiness (yes, even more sleepy somehow), irritability, lack of appetite, and general withdrawal from the world around him.

It may be best just to ask Belphie how he’s feeling on a somewhat regular basis, but be careful not to frame your questions as if they’re coming from a place of excessive worry. He won’t want to feel as if you pity him or find him to be overly fragile, this is just a part of his daily life after all.

Beel can also be used as an indicator of Belphie’s emotional state. If Beel is looking particularly sad, it might be good to check on his twin just in case.

If it’s not a good day for him, he may not tell you outright. You will need to read between the lines. Watch where his eyes go as he answers and how long it takes him to respond. If he refuses to look at you or takes a little longer than he should to say he's alright, he may be struggling even if he claims to be fine.

Thankfully, there are very easy ways to bring Belphie a bit of comfort. Offering to nap together or cuddle is by far the easiest method and he will rarely refuse the opportunity. You can also make plans to go some place with him and Beel. Spending time with his twin will significantly improve his mood, at least under most circumstances.

If he and Beel are not currently on speaking terms, this could be another reason he's upset. Helping to resolve the issue should bring him back to good spirits, so do so post-haste.

Belphegor is a melancholic individual on principle. Though you may want to see him be cheerful more often, to some extent that’s just not a part of his nature. Don’t blame yourself if you can’t seem to get him to appear happy most days, the chances are that just having you there is doing more for him than you could ever know. Just remember that when he says he loves you he does, in fact, mean it.

[nureposts]

No, "interpersonally exploitative" is not a part of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM 5. It used to be in the DSM 4 but got struck out in the DSM 5 because it was inaccurate.

The DSM 5's diagnostic criteria from NPD, using screenshots of my own copy of the DSM 5 is as follows:

A1 (both A1a and A1b) addresses self esteem dysregulation and the reliance on external sources to infer one's sense of self esteem, self worth and identity.

A2a Empathy — there's a strict definition of empathy in psychology, here it mainly refers to affective empathy (mirroring other's emotions) but also to a degree cognitive empathy (being able to tell the emotions of others or why they may be feeling emotion); a lack of empathy is a morally neutral trait and common amongst several mental illnesses such as autism where it's much less villified in that context. A lack of empathy has no baring on kindness or compassion. Most people, when colloquially referring to empathy, actually mean compassion. Empathy is not the state of caring about others, it is the ability to feel other's emotions as one's own (affective) and the ability to recognize what other people may be feeling (cognitive).

Once again, a lack of empathy is a symptom of many mental illnesses, including autism and depression. So no, depression here isn't a false equivalency on that basis.

A2b Intimacy is the only criteria that can be interpreted as being manipulative or "interpersonally exploitative". What that means however is that narcissists form relationships in order to maintain their self esteem, because the internal base state of self worth is zero. While that means many relationships are shallow, that does not mean they are interpersonally harmful — Humans are social creatures who need contact, support and validation, narcissists act on that without forming a deeper connection. This, again, is not synonymous with an interpersonally harmful relationship, interpersonally harmful actions are not rewarded and narcissists need to actually be able to sustain a relationship in order to be able to affirm their own sense of self worth and identity. What this means is that narcissists struggle with forming relationships that go beyond the initial stage (you know, like an acquaintanceship), when the time comes to progress a relationship and form a deeper, more solid and more intimate connection, that's where they struggle, and are usually unable to maintain these relationships and form these connections (that every human needs to lead a fulfilling life, as we are again, social creatures).

B1a Grandiosity referrers to cognitive dissonance, that's why it specifies feelings and 'beliefs'. Narcissists intellectually know that they aren't better / superior to everybody else and are well-aware of the fact, despite this intellectual awareness they feel superior to others. It's cognitive dissonance. This is what plays into perfectionism and the standards a narcissist holds themselves to discussed in A1b.

(While not the same, there's something of a similar effect in a lot of people with ADHD. "I should be better than this" "I should be able to handle this / do this" it's the juxtaposition of the perceived limitless potential and executive dysfunction, paired with RSD it gives an extremely similar effect to NPD grandiosity.)

B1b Attention seeking just means... talking about yourself a lot, 'fishing' for compliments, going out of your way to do certain things that you know will bring you positive attention — which while can be constructed as manipulative, doesn't exactly hurt anybody. It's mostly annoying, but relatively harmless (to other people. It does mean a narcissist might put themselves in harmful situations when low on supply in order to receive positive affirmation).

Moreover, yes, "narcissistic abuse" does imply narcissists are inherently abusive and incurable. That's what it was coined to say. A not so quick crash course about the term "narcissistic abuse" incoming. "Narcissistic abuse" was coined by Sam Vaknin who's written several books on the topic, his most popular being "Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited" and remains one of the foremost people reviewed on the topic. Sam Vaknin is not a certified mental health professional in any capacity and lies about being a "professor of psychology" to increase his book sales and further his career. None of his work is psychologically supported, some of the things he's written directly contradict the DSM. He's also the one that started the "Obama is a narcissist" craze (A paper he's written on it, another article and a YouTube video uploaded by him in which he again talks about Obama being a narcissist).

Vaknin believes that narcissists are a shell of themselves. He asserts that narcissists are people who have lost their true selves and replaced it with a 'false self' and as such cannot be healed because they do not truly 'exist' and are only reflections.

(His website alone shows you how sketchy he is...)

Despite claiming that narcissists cannot be healed, Sam Vaknin developed "cold therapy" as a theraputic modality in which NPD can be treated, to quote, "Cold therapy consists of the re-traumatization of the narcissistic client in a hostile, non-holding environment which resembles the ambience of the original trauma." As well as, "Cold therapy makes use of proprietary techniques such as erasure (suppressing the client's speech and free expression and gaining clinical information and insights from his reactions to being so stifled)."

(The suggested therapy modality is... extremely bad for the reasons outlined above, and is also just... abuse. Cold Therapy is abuse.)

He also believes that all narcissists are abusive. As he very explicitly and with detail wrote in his book, "Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revised". (Link to a pdf of the book to download. Sam Vaknin quotes from his books on Goodreads if reading the book is too much).

An article in The Sunday Times, "The Monster in the Mirror", 2007, explicitly says the following, "Shmuel “Sam” Vaknin, 46, has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder twice." With all his assertions about NPD, isn't that interesting? In that same article, quotations by Sam Vaknin are included in which he says about his relationship to his second wife “"For Lidija, our relationship is a constant war of attrition," Vaknin says. "I think she is very tired. She says sometimes she is being erased. But she stays, so I must respond to some of her emotional needs. A narcissist infiltrates his partners like acid," he explains. "If she fails to erect strong defences, the narcissist takes over, forcing the eviction of the person’s original self."” I don't know how more openly you can admit to abusing your second wife.

A screenshot from Wikipedia (taken 26/1/2023) — these "difficulties" in the relationship mentioned, is not-so-subtle code for he was abusing his fiancè. As you can tell from his own assertions on NPD and his description of his own behavior as a narcissist (see: his website on NPD and his YouTube channel in which he gets into both of these things.)

Sam Vaknin is a domestic abuser and coined "narcissistic abuse" specifically to avoid responsibility for his abusive actions by claiming that it's inherent to his disorder (and therefore not his fault) — when any validity is lent to "narcissistic abuse" as either as a term or concept, it's prepetuating this man's bullshit. Not only in his attempt to avoid accountability for his own actions, but in his exploitation of vulnerable victims for profit and all his pseudoscientific bullshit.

Said bullshit like the synopsis of his book claiming that, "It is my contention that Narcissism is the mental epidemic of the twentieth century, a plague to be fought by all means."

Or his belief that a disproportionate amount of pathological narcissists hold positions of influence in politics, medicine and finance. If this sounds too close to antisemitic conspiracy theories, congratulations! You found the link. Despite being Jewish himself Sam Vaknin affirms several antisemitic stereotypes in a work where he aims to address antisemitism, quite literally saying "This age-old narcissistic defence - the Jewish superiority complex - was only exacerbated by the Holocaust." It is... interesting to say the least that he connects Hitler and Aryan Supremacy to Narcissism and also connects the Jewish people, their victims, to Narcissism in that same article.

He's also misogynistic, a rape apologist, queerphobic (and much more tbh) which he somehow also manges to link to NPD but this tumblr post gets into that pretty well and links his own work as sources. So I'm not going to get into it myself.

The Conversation Surrounding Narcissism and "Narcissistic Abuse"

I think the first question to ask ourselves here would be "what is narcissistic abuse?" What constitutes that specific type of abuse? In which the answer we usually get is: controlling behaviour, uneven power dynamics, blame shifting, guilting, gaslighting, rejection and degradation and occasionally some aspects of physical abuse. This is where we go, "but are those exclusive to 'narcissistic abuse'?" In which the answer is a simple no. So let's unpack that, why do we use the term "narcissistic abuse"? What does it imply?

The usage of the term narcissistic abuse has many reasons, but one of the most prominent and prevalent ones is 'othering'. If abuse is inherent to narcissists, then we can't possibly be abusers — and any 'toxic' traits we may have in regards to how we deal with relationships (say, being overly dismissive) can be ignored, because we're not narcissists and therefore not abusers and cannot hold what we label "narcissistic traits" that would be indicative to abuse.

Another is that by othering the narcissist, we can have specific 'traits' that can indicate that a person is a narcissist, and therefore an abuser, in which you now clearly identify the 'hidden evil person' in the crowd. Based on which, you can avoid the narcissist and any subsequent abuse. Here, we find some problematic implications that having gone through abuse is the victim's fault for failing to notice the 'evil scheming narcissist" first.

When narcissism is successfully alienated and othered, then intrinsically tied to abuse, abusers get described as narcissists and armchair-diagnosed with narcissism. Where certain victims of abuse will claim that their abuse is unique and special, and that the only people who could understand them is people who went through the same unique and special abuse (because their abusers were unique and special).

Ultimately, this serves to demonise narcissists and narcissism. There is nothing that is 'unique' or exclusive to "narcissistic abuse" which justifies the existence of the term beyond ableism. The traits ascribed to narcissistic abuse are simply what constitutes emotional abuse, and in much more rare cases complex/sophisticated abuse.

The term "narcissistic abuse" as such only ever dehumanises and demonises narcissists. It does not allowing them their humanity or complex experiences, instead shoving them into boxes where their existence is equated to abuse, and their disorder to being an abuser.

It only further stigmatises an already heavily stigmatised disorder, and cuts them off from societal, social, and professional support.

Narcissists are "abusers", "lost causes", they "cannot be treated". They are not human. They are sub-human. They are "sadistic" and "cruel" and "do not care for others." If all a narcissist does is bring suffering and 'be evil' — the world is better off without narcissists.

This is what a narcissist has to deal with day-to-day. From friends, family, mental health professionals. That they are lost causes and cannot be treated, that they are deep-down, inherently evil. Nevermind that all these opinions are informed by stereotypes and the stigma surrounding narcissism, and that none of that is true.

Nevermind the fact that narcissistic personality disorder forms as a result of abuse and associated trauma (in Ireland, it was once contemplated to change the categorical name from 'personality disorder' to 'complex trauma responses') or that narcissists are more suspectable to abuse.

Narcissism doesn't make an abuser. Abuse makes an abuser.

Then comes the question, "but wouldn't being a narcissist influence the abuse?" The short answer is yes. The long one is that mental illness influences how you perceive and interact with the world, it influences all things including 'abuse' were the mentally ill person an abuser. However, it does not make them an abuser. If a depressed parent abused their child, say as influenced by their depression, with no energy and little to no motivation to care for their child and high irritability should they ask for that care or any energy-inducing things (so in here, through neglect) we wouldn't call it "depressive abuse" or say they abused the child because they're depressed in a 1:1 connection between depression and abuse where all depressed people are abusive or 'more likely' to be abusive.

That simply wouldn't be true, and not to mention extremely ableist. And yet, we do that exact same thing with narcissism to alarming degrees where the word "narcissist" has become synonymous with "abuser".

[drivingsideways]

Hey talk to me about your top three favourite kdrama women. What makes them special? What's a fic you would like to write about any one of them?

Mystery anon! :D What a lovely ask. 

I’m going to cheat a bit and divide my answer into characters I loved a lot, but do not want to write fic about, because I think the canon gives me what I need; and characters that I loved a lot but NEED TO BE RESCUED ZOMG.  (My fic writing impulses are 50% spite and 50% fix-it )

Caveat being that I’ve still watched only maybe a dozen kdramas, so I’m pretty limited in my knowledge!

Characters that I love a lot, but have very zero fic impulses toward:

Han Yeo-jin from Stranger/Secret Forest: What a delight! What an iconique character! Is there anyone like her? NO. LSY-nim gives us a delightfully complex character, and Bae Doona knocks it out of the park in every single scene, so I’m just happy to be along for the ride. I think what makes Yeo-jin special for me is the intrinsic place of empathy that she operates from.  I think “righteous” is a word that often comes with negative connotations (self-righteous, for eg), but I do think she’s one of the most righteous-in-the-good-way characters I’ve watched in kdrama or any drama. I’m tired of stories that portray goodness as “boring” , as unworthy of narrative breadth or depth, and I love that Han Yeo-jin comes to us like a breath of fresh air in our particular dystopian narratives hellscape. She’s good, but never naive. She’s righteous but never cruel in her moral certainties.  I think that LSY nim, in the second season especially, gave Yeo-jin the kind of arc that character deserved when she’s forced to really dig deep into herself to figure out how she’s going to live in the world in the face of a deeply cutting, deeply personal disillusionment, and I’m really hoping for an S3 to see how that plays out further. 

Goo Hae-ryung from Rookie Historian: Ok, I will admit this may be rose tinted glasses view due to this show being my gateway drug into kdrama, but c’mon! She’s a reader! and a Thinker! And loves her wine! She’s plucky! She’s cute! She’s got a wry sense of humour! She’s got principles! She’s got a solid common sense to her that somehow doesn’t get in the way of her dreaming BIG! Oh dear, doesn’t she sound like the Mary-est of Mary Sues? Good for her.gif,  I say! Anyways, Shin Se-kyung is unutterably charming in this (AS IN EVERY SHOW OMG GIRL) and I just have a huge fondness for free-spirited heroines who get to tramp through the narrative changing the world as they do! 

Lee Ji-an from My Ahjussi: I’ve never had my heart broken more OR restored by any single character. IU is *phenomenal * in this, I think she really stepped up to what the script demanded from her. Ji-an’s weariness, her fear and vulnerability, her prickliness, her anger and her bitterness, and how, despite everything, she fights : GOD. Just. Again, what I love about the writing in this show is that it’s deeply empathetic without being cloyingly sentimental. I think a less, hmm, imaginative writer/PD might have focused on the Lee Ji-an the victim, and while the show definitely tells you in no uncertain terms that she is one,  of both circumstances and a cruel society, I think it refuses to take away her agency over her own life.(Lee Ji-an when we meet her is too busy hanging onto life by tooth and claw to indulge in self-pity, but we also see the toll it takes on her not to be able to say “this is too heavy a burden for me to carry myself and it isn’t my fault”; the show I think approaches Dong-hoon from the opposite side- his emotional isolation is partly a result of his own choices, but he doesn’t see it yet, and so his journey is also about letting people in and sharing the burden, but also recovering his own agency over his life. It’s an interestingly gender-bent arc, which is one of the things I love about this show. )

Ok, can I please add one more?

Hwang Han-joo from Melo is my Nature: She just felt SO real to me. She’s someone who doesn’t have the spectacular brilliance of either Jin-joo or Eun-jung, and struggles with accepting her limitations but not allowing herself to be defeated by them? I love her struggles as a mother, as a working woman in a sexist industry, a woman who’s perhaps having to rethink and reimagine what she wants from romance. I love that she’s a little silly, a lot kind, and an optimist, and just. I just think she’s the bravest of the three, tbh, and I LOVE HER AND I WOULD WATCH A SPIN OFF ABOUT JUST HER (i shouldn’t have faves among the three i know, BUT I DO, IT’S HER, IT’S HER.)

Ok! On to the next section! And I’m going to cheat again because I can’t stop at three. SORRY. NOT SORRY. 

Characters I love and SHOULD write fic for if I weren’t such a tired and lazy bunny:  

Song Sa-hui from Rookie Historian: Oh, girl, girl, GIRL. I love how she fights to snatch her freedom from the jaws of the patriarchy. I love that she unapologetically centers herself while doing that, because she knows that nobody else will.  I love that she’s prickly and calculating. I love that she’s smart and knowledgeable. I am SO HAPPY that she got to carve out a little bit of freedom for herself, even if it also is exile to some degree. She *should * be Emperor Jin’s Prime Minister and steering the ship of state, while also carrying on a tumultous affair with Queen Min Woo-hee, while ALSO commiserating with Emperor Jin about his boyfriend Historian Min Woo-won’s regrettable tendency towards Principles (TM) and masochism-but-not-in-the-fun-way. (This takes up much of his time which is why Song Sa-hui is running the country, of course. It works out well for all concerned, well, except her dad, of course.)

Song Ga-gyeong from Search:WWW: What’s NOT to love about our brilliant, beautiful, emotionally tortured gay icon? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I loved how the show allowed her to be flawed and make bad decisions, and then allowed her to make better decisions and regain control of her life. What I do need to do, of course, is see the CANON LOVE STORY between her and Cha Hyeon through to the end. It must, of course, include at least one baseball game, a lot of tequila and messy beach kisses. 

Oh Ji-hwa from Beyond Evil: Oh boy, this year’s runaway hit cleared the extremely low bar for standard crime/ thriller shows by leaving more than one of its female characters breathing and with all limbs intact, and got called feminist for it BUT it didn’t do justice to any of them in any meaningful way and that never hurt more than in the way they sidelined Kim Shin-rok’s talent by not giving Oh Ji-hwa anything much to do. She’s a tough as nails cop, a loving sister, a devoted but unsentimental friend-and by rights SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE HEROINE OF THIS SHOW. My secret fic fantasy is to rewrite the show entirely by making her , and the two other female characters in non-antagonist roles- Yoo Jae-yi and Im Sun-nyeo- as the central characters, as they investigate a serial killer who targets women.  It’s the only acceptable version of this done-to-death (ha!) genre, I have no idea what the Baeksang jury and tumblr fandom is smoking when they hype the show so much, I want none of it. 

Jung Sun-ah from The Devil Judge: I love her rage, her spite, her passionate defense of women, her style, her sexiness, her rage, her rage, her brilliance, her tenaciousness, her smartness, her clothes, her refusal to hate herself for everything she is and chooses to be, her ambition, her comfort wielding power, her EVERYTHING. Dead, her? NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT. Here’s what *really * happened at the end of canon- she gets out of the building by planting that lady-like but still deadly gun against Kang Yo-han’s temple and making him lead her through his own “secret escape route” or whatever the fuck it was the show wanted us to believe. From there on out, it’s all sunshine and beaches, and scheming and waiting for the right moment to strike again-though of course, this time around, she also has to reckon with vigilant, tenacious cop Soo-hyun -another character who REALLY didn’t die for manpain reasons and had the good sense to leave her gay best friend to follow his psychopath boyfriend to Switzerland or wherever it is that star crossed lovers in kdrama land meet up on the regs these days- anyways, Soo-hyun and her are in this catch-me-if-you-can epic transnational honest and cute cop-and-beautiful sexy villain chase and yes, they WILL kiss (and more) AND IT WILL BE GLORIOUS. 

*whew *

Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.

[eyecicles]

@longagoitwastuesday

I actually thought, unlike sympathy, empathy could be logic based and didn't require necessarily  an overly emotional response to a fact, or even an emotional response at all. I thought it was not about relating to the feeling, but understanding it, being able to "get" how the person may feel from that understanding and how it may influence them. In that sense, it can operate in a logical sense as much or even more so than in an emotional sense.

I do get where you’re coming from

There’s the concept of “cognitive empathy”, which is something every rational person could (theoretically) use, yes. But that’s something L or Light are quite good at too, otherwise they wouldn’t be able to manipulate others so well. Just think about how well L “understood” Misa when he manipulated her into helping him during the Yotsuba arc. Or how quick he was to understand what kind of person Kira is, what must be going through Kira’s mind + what he’s trying to do, and that Light fits his profile perfectly.

If we define empathy as the simple ability to understand why people are doing what they’re doing, then most main characters in DN have lots of it.

I’ve used the word how I learned it in therapy. They always told me it meant to “emotionally understand what someone else is feeling”. I took several empathy tests in my life and always scored low, and yet my therapists complimented me on how well I can logically understand other people (although with a distance). They also told me that there are several ways to understand other people, with different starting points. Empathy and logic would be two separate points. I suppose the term has a more specific meaning in psychology, because you use it to diagnose someone. So maybe that was my mistake? I should have defined it better right from the beginning

I usually make a distinction between "empathy" and "sympathy" when talking in this kind of context, and "sympathy" etymologically might be more what you're talking about (an emotional response to someone else's feelings? Even something akin to sharing the feeling to some extent? I guess empathy can be that as well, but I thought it was more an abstract understanding of that feeling). 

From my understanding, sympathy is feeling something like sorrow or pity for someone’s pain/sorrow/distress. It can be related to empathy, but it’s not the same for me either!

The main reason I don’t see Near as especially empathetic, is because he isn’t swayed or even influenced by other people’s emotions and is instead very good at doing what must be done, even if it’s difficult, even if it hurts others. He’s quite young (17/18) but still cool-headed enough to successfully lead an enitre investigation. I imagine this would take a greater toll on someone with higher empathy (especially since the case is about murder), but of course it all depends. It’s not like we see Near taking an empathy test in the manga, haha. It’s just the way I interpret him, how he makes sense to me.

It’s also interesting to consider that HTR13 gave both Near and L a 1/10 on the social knowledge scale. Which is at least linked to empathy, although not the exact same thing. Low empathy is one of the main reasons why autistic people struggle with social norms, or so I‘ve been told.

Of course I’m aware that Near is pretty good at understanding, for example, Mello or Kira (or people on a psychological level in general). He knows the former well and has worked on the Kira case during the second arc for long enough to have a clear picture of who Kira is as a person, too. We definitely agree here! But, to me, empathising with someone is to know and share someone’s emotions (maybe not to the same extent, but I see it as a form of conformity) ...Or at all least this is how I used when I said Near has low empathy. I know the word can have a pretty broad meaning, so again, I get what you mean.

...Though I also think that Near can be extremely blunt, quite dismissive and certainly cheeky. And it’s also true that we see him being mindful and polite at other times. It shows yet again that he’s way more complex than most people give him credit for!

(Also, I read everything you wrote and appreciate it - I only copied the parts that seemed relevant to my response, to shorten this post a bit~)

[silenthillmutual]

daniil dankovsky is autistic and here’s why:

because i’m autistic and i said so

i kid, obviously. what sort of autistic person would i be if i wasn’t read to back up my silly little claim with an overly long post of evidence a total of three people will read? (hi ned hi jordan hi raven :))

i’m aware that this is cringey because adults aren’t supposed to have autism or interests or talk about either of those things, but this is my blog and you are free to block me if the cringe is too much for you.

these are some things i picked out from the DSMV’s diagnostic criteria, found on the CDC website:

deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect

abnormal social approach

abnormalities in eye contact and body language

defecits in […] understand[ing] relationships

difficults adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts

repetitive motor movements or speech

rigid thinking patterns

highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input

there’s also some misc. stuff not in the diagnostic criteria (though it may be in the adir or gars-3) i thought was worth noting.

important note from the diagnostic criteria: “symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning”. i’d say that in his case, they do.

spoilers for pathologic classic, pathologic 2, and the marble nest

deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

in bachelor route of classic, daniil

seems completely oblivious to eva making advances toward him, to the point where she complains to him that he’s ignoring her in favor of asking questions about simon.

seems surprised when people mention maria being in love with him, despite outright asking her a couple of times if she’s flirting with him.

not to mention the fact that he asks her that at all.

his inability or resistence to making connections with others is typically considered one of his character flaws. although it is not outright stated in the dsmv criteria, one trait of autism and other neurodivergencies is “having extremely high or extremely low empathy” - and daniil, despite being a doctor, lacks empathy. which is not to say he doesn’t care at all. i think that he does, but is terrible at showing it.

for example, this scene from marble nest:

Sticky: You must feel terrible… right? That’s fine. I forgive you. You just got confused… Adults always do. Daniil: Oh yes, adults are always occupied with the most asinine nonsense. Like feeling anxious that a bunch of urchins keep roaming the streets, putting themselves in mortal danger!

daniil clearly cares about sticky’s wellbeing (and the wellbeing of the kids looking after him, though he’s not cognizant that he’s in a coma), but his way of showing it is… kind of by being a jerk. all of which bleeds into the next item on the list

reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect

he has no problem sharing his interests, but in both pathologic classic & pathologic 2, daniil speaks with a flat affect - which is to say that he lacks intonation. the words we read him saying may be dramatic or come across as passionate, but the actual voice reading his lines is very monotone, which may contribute to being read as lacking emotion.

and in pathologic 2, he has a voiceline lamenting not telling “her” (eva?) how he felt

in marble nest, he’s teased by the tragedians for being “heartless”:

Tragedian: Maybe. Possibly. But it’s useless to explain to a heartless man. …Take heart, Excellency! If you ever find it, that is. And then come back to us… Even though it all sounds like a rather implausible turn of events.

abnormal social approach

daniil has a tendency to say things that are tactless, odd, or just socially inappropriate. i probably don’t need to point out too many examples, as i think it’s fairly obvious - these are the things people love to pick at when it comes to him, but i do have a few in mind. like, for example, from haruspex route in classic:

Haruspex: What of the antibodies essential for making a serum? Bachelor: I don’t know for sure yet, I’ll send you a report in a few hours. Don’t go about cutting people’s hearts out for your panacea until then. It’s a… controversial solution, you know… Haruspex: What?! Do you even hear yourself? Bachelor: Sorry! I meant no offence… it was just a momentary lapse of… well, you know. Haruspex: None taken.

until artemy points out, daniil doesn’t seem to be aware he just said something rude. even with therapy, picking up on social cues doesn’t come naturally to people with autism, so we tend to say things that come across as rude or strange to others without realizing we’ve put them off. we tend to lack a “filter” that tells us when things are or are not appropriate to say. even when we may recognize it, the rules may not make any sense to us. for example, it makes very little sense that allistics favor politeness over honesty.

i think the glaringly obvious abnormal social approach in pathologic 2 is him threatening to hold artemy at gunpoint to get in the house, which is just overkill, but my personal favorite comes on day 7, when he’s complaining about the orders aglaya has given him. artemy stops him to say he doesn’t understand what daniil wants from him, to which daniil replies:

From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

to daniil, they were just having a normal conversation. but some part of this - his tone or his words or maybe even his body language - didn’t give artemy the impression that this was supposed to be a regular conversation. (we could, in fact, attribute the same idea to artemy here; why didn’t artemy pick up that this was a normal conversation? the reason i count it towards daniil is because artemy doesn’t seem to have this problem with anybody else. for the record: i don’t think artemy is neurotypical either.)

abnormalities in eye contact and body language

it’s hard to get proof of this in video games, but i will say i think it’s very funny that in pathologic 2 daniil’s idle animations are “pacing”, “sitting like he desperately wants to start bouncing his knees but is stopping himself from doing it”, and “standing unnaturally still” - but there you go. i don’t know anything about making gifs, or i’d gif this one specific talk menu idle he does where he holds eye contact for about three seconds, looks away uncomfortably, and then looks back out of the corner of his eyes.

deficits in […] understand[ing] relationships

mostly examples from his route in classic:

when the army arrives, he can claim to block that aglaya, whom he’s known for two days, is his best friend

he seems baffled by the fact that everone is smitten with maria and working with her, and seems equally baffled by the idea that she’s smitten with him

despite eva implying on day two that she is in a relationship with andrey, is completely blindsided by the revelation on day 6, asking him, “How in the world is she ‘your woman’?”

i’d also like to use his sign-off on his letter to artemy, day 2 of the haruspex route - he signs it as “Your friend (hopefully)”. i know i’m not the only autistic person who used to ask people if we were friends or not. pro tip, if you’ve never done this: don’t. it really weirds people out.

difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts

the fact that he stands out is blatantly obvious even in pathologic 2 and in the haruspex route of classic. people will comment on him being an outsider and mention that they don’t trust him. but you can watch it happen in real time in his route, because he never fully acclimates to the town. he says something about this to aglaya on day 7:

Bachelor: Was there any particularly notable backstory? I’m deadly tired of all these people. They’re inhuman. They tell the future, believe in walking zombies, and die in all manners of painfully abnormal ways. Inquisitor: Your line of t hinking is obviously falacious - and I was implying something rather mundane. I promise you, no one can really tell the future around here: and neither are deaths inspired by third parties uncommon. Mysterious phenomenons do occur here sometimes… but hardly more often than anywhere else.

actually, there’s an example of him saying something similar to artemy on day 5 in pathologic 2:

Damn this town… I feel I’m trapped in a nightmare. The absurdity of it all… There’s no one to talk to. Everyone’s so volatile. They all seem to want to help, but… their help is worse than hostility.

some of this can be explained by the town’s strangeness, but keep in mind that the first instance happens after he’s been there and involved in the ongoing for an entire week, and the second at nearly a week in. clearly he’s struggling to adjust to the changes.

it’s also worth noting that his reason for fleeing the town in the nocturnal ending?

I have no place here anymore.

This town is no longer mine. No longer human. No longer rational. It doesn’t… accept the likes of me anymore.

repetitive motor movements or speech

it’s harder to see the motor movements in classic, but remember how i pointed out earlier that he paces? pacing is a form of stimming. murky, who is canonically autistic, can also be found pacing as one of her idle animations. having stock phrases for characters to speak when you come near them already ticks off the box on “repetitive speech”, but that by itself doesn’t really cover what they’re talking about - echolalia.

but you know what this does fit with? “‘quoting’ things(communication is HARD! sometimes we need to take shortcuts and use someone else’s words)“

i’ll get to the more obvious example in a minute - i want to point out something that happens very early in pathologic 2 first. you know how you first meet him and artemy accuses daniil of trying to guilt-trip him by asking if it’s true that isidor would still be alive if artemy had come sooner? keep in mind that he spoke to rubin first. and this is what rubin says, when you get a chance to talk to him:

Yesterday, I was told you had killed your father.

That’s not far from the truth, Burakh.

You betrayed him. You left when he needed you most. He cried out for your help, but you didn’t care. He was in peril, and you were too busy elsewhere, He believed, truly believed, that your arrival would put an end to his troubles. And, as always, he was right.

i’m not saying this was necessarily the game’s intent, but it’s entirely possible daniil is parroting back to artemy exactly what rubin said to him.

now, for what you’re probably expecting in this section: the latin. people love to refer to his use of latin as “random”, so let’s clear that up:

it is not latin daniil has made up. with the exception of latin that is mispelled in the game’s texts, all of them are proverbs or otherwise common sayings. you can find most of them on the wikipedia list of latin phrases, or through a 3-second google search.

he’s a doctor. him having taken latin isn’t anymore strange than a lawyer taking latin. in fact, if you pay attention, artemy also took latin; this is implied when artemy tells him he’s always sucked at it.

his uses of latin actually aren’t random at all. what he says fits the situation, and sometimes is used in place of him having to come up with something to say on his own.

prime example:

Forget it, Burakh. I have a splitting headache. If you have no urgent business, then we’ll talk later. Later, later… Qui non proficit, deficit.

qui non proficit, deficit - he who does not advance, loses ground. in other words, “i’m sorry, but i really do need to keep working.” one of his voice lines.

as for why he doesn’t translate the latin: it probably wouldn’t even occur to him to. these are not obscure sayings. the utopians all have a certain degree of education - what would he need to translate them for?

this bleeds into something that isn’t really mentioned, but that i’ve found i have a lot of trouble with in everyday life. autistic people have a tendency to either overexplain (and then have everyone get mad at you because they feel you’re being condescending) or underexplain (and have everyone get mad at you because you haven’t explained anything). the latin would be a case where it feels like a justified underexplanation. you’ll notice that when it comes to anything scientific, he tends to do the reverse, and overexplain. this also happens in classic, whether artemy has asked him to clarify or not.

rigid thinking patterns

the thing i had marked for this was simply his strict adherence to western medical practices and refusal to acknowledge the supernatural, even when it seems obvious - he has a conversation in his route in classic with yulia about this, and that is in fact how he manages to get to her: by asking saburov if there are any other logical skeptics in town. it should be noted they seem to be breaking with this in pathologic 2, where one of his voicelines is “I’m no positivist. There are things in this world beyond our mundane perception.” i have no idea where they’re planning on going with that.

there’s also a quote floating somewhere around twitter about him having been raised by a military man, and militaries tend to enforce very rigid routines. you could say the same thing of block - who (in classic at least) i also have my suspicions about.

highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus

special interests. the one that should obviously come to mind is thanatology, though i would argue latin if not classics in general is a special interest of his as well - in addition to his usage of latin, he also references pericles in the marble nest and was probably refering to the roman occupation of haruspicy in addition to augurs in the same text. he also makes references to shakespeare more than once in both marble nest and pathologic 2.

hyper- or hyperoreactivity to sensory input

i don’t have much written down for this one but there seem to be several places in classic especially where he asks npcs to stop shouting at him. we don’t really have the privilege to know their volume or how they’re interacting with him, but i think it’s also worth noting that he’s the only one of the healers who wears gloves. in pathologic 2 he’s the only named character i can think of who wears them at all. his thing in the lucid dream about the brain being “a border”? gloves are his border, as is his jacket, which may be worn to cut down on sensory issues.

he will also sometimes seem to “overreact” to the situation at hand - such as in classic, when some dogheads mispeak and say that daniil is going to “sterilize” them, and instead of understanding that they must have mispoken, freaks out over the idea that they think they’re going to be… well… sterilized. or in haruspex route, when his reaction to the inquisitor arriving is to threaten suicide.

miscellaneous

he never goes anywhere without that carpet bag. we don’t see it in pathologic 2, but we do hear about it and he doesn’t let it go for a second in classic - not even in the cutscenes where he’s using the microscope. his bag could be a comfort item.

“getting very attached to things like inanimate objects” could work for the bag - but you know what it actually fits the bill much more obviously? the polyhedron. in the haruspex route he recognizes that it’s a lost cause, but he’s still too attached to it to let it go.

in classic at least, daniil is absolutely terrible at lying. most autistic people either are not good at lying, or feel uncomfortable or anxious with having to lie. when he’s asked by yulia and the kids in the polyhedron to lie to block (for different reasons) he’s clearly uncomfortable with the idea that it’ll work. and when it actually comes time to come up with a way to lie to block about why he needs five rifles, your options are to either buckle and tell him the truth, or simply say that you need them for “self-defense”. block believes that you’re not lying to him, but daniil can’t come up with any embeleshments to explain why he needs what he’s asking for.

Commander: Are you hiding something from me? Bachelor: No.

he comes across as naive to other characters. in classic, capella has a voiceline saying, “The Bachelor is not smart. Intelligent, yes… but not smart.” in Pathologic 2, Daniil complains that Aglaya takes him for “a useless dreamer”. he’s also easily used by the Kains to fulfill their endgame in classic.

my final, and absolute favorite: he takes things way too literally. autistic people (and adhd people, from my understanding) have a hard time differentiating jokes and sarcasm. so my favorite moment in marble nest is a case of him taking that earlier advice - to “take heart” literally, by bringing the tragedians a literal human heart:

Tragedian: Oh… Excellency. What a sordid sight! Sorry for underestimating you. You definitely do have… how shall I put it… a creative touch. But this is pure madness. You can’t take things so literally! Daniil: You wanted me to come back to you with an open heart. Well, here I am. …It looked too fitting to be a coincidence.

your mind map, after this, updates to say “I misunderstood the tragedians.”

conclusion

people don’t stop being autistic with age and i think he’s a good example of what it’s like to be in your late 20s and be autistic. i’m sure i missed things as i haven’t finished haruspex route of classic yet and there may just be some other things he does or says that i missed! if anyone has anything to add they think fits i would love to know, thank you for your time :)

[worldwhampion]

Now comes the psychological characteristics.

6. Alexithymia

 Apollo struggles with expressing both personal matters and feelings . Null had this to say concerning that: “Two lost souls… one who cared too much, and one who cared too little.“ As you can guess, the ‘one who cared too little’ was referring to apollo. They do in fact have the capacity for caring - however little it is - though not the capacity for clearly expressing it. I feel like they are reluctant to do so (perhaps out of fear?), along with that they just simply don’t know how. This falls in with alexithymia, or low empathy: to sum up, a lack of emotional awareness, difficulty articulating feelings and identifying them from both themself and others - another common autistic trait. One example of their lack of emotional awareness is when they seemed to attach more importance to making money rather than the safety of artemis - they didn’t sense the psychological gravity of the situation and how artemis was in deep distress. In addition to that, they couldn’t bring themself to connect with Artemis and their passionate dream of meeting up, which they do seem to genuinely regret later on. Another example is their reluctance to share more about their farm: “Yes, I have a farm. What of it? It’s not much, mostly fruit I've found in my travels, but I'm hoping to expand… anyway this is no concern of yours.“ They replied notably dismissively when asked. I think there is a certain group of autistic people who converse on a need-to-know basis, meaning that they’ll share certain things (e.g. talk) only when they have to, even holding back on small trivial topics - especially if it’s personal. I’m again talking out of personal experience here, this used to be the case when i was younger. I’m not sure why I was like that, though I think there was a certain amount of ‘logic’ behind it. For some reason it just made sense to me to talk only when needed. Moreover I somehow had a tendency to avoid getting personal (i actually still do to some extent). Like Apollo, younger me too was rather standoffish due to this. 

There are two quotes i found on the wikipedia page about the ‘apollo archetype’, a kind of psychological personality type, which somehow describes our apollo nms uncannily well: 

“Individuals who resemble Apollo have difficulties that are related to emotional distance, such as communication problems, and the inability to be intimate… Rapport with another person is hard for the Apollo man. He prefers to access (or judge) the situation or the person from a distance, not knowing that he must "get close up" – be vulnerable and empathic – in order to truly know someone else….”

And:

“The introvert is likened to Apollo, who shines a light on understanding. The introvert is focused on the internal world of reflection, dreaming, and vision. Thoughtful and insightful, the introvert can sometimes be uninterested in joining the activities of others.”

 These here sum them right up, from top to bottom.

7. Hyperfixation on money

They were quite literally hyperfixated on making money. It was just about the only thing that mattered to them in life, to the point of bringing more detriment rather than benefit in terms of emotional comfort. Hyperfixations usually bring profound joy, but when to the extreme they can interfere with daily life. It can cause individuals to neglect their basic needs, such as self-care, as well as their social life, like fostering healthy relationships. The intense focus on one thing leads to the exclusion of everything else. Outside of money, they didn’t seem to have any other sources of happiness (outside of farming fruit, though that seemed to be only a minor detail); limited interests are one of the main autism diagnostic criteria. The reason they likely disregarded artemis was due to this - artemis had nothing in common with their interest. Though it’s interesting how Apollo still showed a good amount of concern about them despite that. It makes you wonder what kind of attitude they exactly had to each other. When they helped the traveler with saving artemis, they initially only did so in order to make money - they had to shift the goal of the undertaking to commit themself to it. And when they started to reconsider what place money truly had in the world, they had an identity crisis - from which they could die depending on dialogue choices. They had an interesting line if you say money is indeed what matters the most: “I have learned to love my chains.“ I’m not so sure on how to interpret this, but one thing’s for sure that their hyperfixation with money is not healthy at all.

8. Potential masking

This one’s rather more of a headcanon based on what is told: Apollo is masking. Autism masking can be described as a social strategy used to mimic neurotypical behavior, which requires conscious effort to carry out. Usually this is done in order to feel a sense of belonging and to avoid bullying, and it can take a toll on your mental health if kept over the long term. It could also be used to succeed at work environments, which seems to be largely the case for Apollo, since they’re implied to often deal with negotiating contracts. This line of work demands strong conversational skills, as parties try to successfully convince each other into reaching a desired outcome. Though Apollo's definitely more on the side of introversion. One line that’s stuck with me is this: “I'll send you to a contact of mine, they'll supply you with what you need. just remember to be polite.“ I get the impression that Apollo has to consciously monitor their own body language and words during such negotiations. However unpleasant this may be for them, I feel like their strong desire for money compensates just enough for them to endure it.

9. Unusual vocabulary

In conversation, Apollo uses a rather unusual vocabulary. (This could be partly due to the influence of their work’s economical jargon). This line is an example: “Consider it a gift, my little investment into our partnership.” And probably their most well-known line: “what are units for if not to assert dominance over your fellow lifeforms?“ One thing that’s less widely mentioned is that autistics sometimes tend to use odd verbose sentence constructions - which are more like literary expressions - in order to get their point across. I gotta say, this way you can indeed carry your thoughts over precisely as they are in your head. And some tend to stick with grammatically correct sentences too. Apollo does seem to be like such a person to me.

10. Monotonous speech

Odd voice tones are also a part of some autistic speech patterns. Examples are unusual articulations of words while speaking - or monotonous speech, wherein few tone variations are expressed indicating emotion. Considering Apollo is synthetic, their speaking voice would indeed be quite monotonous. That’s why they have to rely more on body language to make their feelings clear (consciously or unconsciously), like I said before. 

So yeah! In this essay I conclude that apollo nms is autistic-coded.

APOLLO NMS IS AUTISTIC-CODED 1/2

here's the google doc for much better reading! (also contains a small epilogue)

Let's look at their physical characteristics first. 

1. Stimming

Everyone who’s seen Apollo at a holo terminus knows the thing they do with their fingers: a repetitive movement that never ceases. They are literally STIMMING! For those who don’t know, stimming (aka self-stimulating behavior) involves engaging in repetitive movements, which helps with improving concentration and alleviating anxiety, and often it is done unconsciously. Now don’t tell me that’s just their idle animation. They could’ve chosen any other thing for them to do that does not straight up look like hand flapping, one of the most prevalent stims out there - as well as not making it repetitive and constant.

2. Footing (toe walking)

Another characteristic is a small, but very special detail: their footing.  

(picture credit to @speci-society - they were the first to point this out! annotations by me)

Their ‘heels’ are off the ground, and the two plates which do make contact with the ground are more like shoe soles - think of tiptoeing while wearing slippers. This is very reminiscent of toe walking, another trait associated with autism. The name is pretty straightforward: walking on toes without the heels touching the ground, which is thought to be due to sensory processing and motor issues.

3. Sensory processing issues

Interestingly, Apollo's body is synthetic - meaning that they cannot sense the world around them through touch. In terms of physical sensitivity, they must be quite detached from the world. Usually when talking about sensory processing issues, it is about an overload of senses to the point of discomfort. Though in Apollo's case, I think it is rather the opposite of that; their senses are void. Because well, There’s no way you could possibly have nerves in metal. They’d have to rely on something else entirely in order to sense every time they come into contact with an object (including their footfalls on solid ground). Likely they have other means of sensing things - different from the usual organic way. I’m not sure how their body exactly works, but since they still possess an organic brain, neuroplasticity must’ve done loads to it so that they could properly adjust to their body. Can’t imagine how the first days must’ve been like for them.

4. Motor issues

And possibly, they may still have issues in controlling their mechanical limbs (motor issues) despite the neuroplasticity - or rather, carrying out complex tasks with them - especially their hands, they don’t look dexterous at all but rather very cumbersome. As well as their arms and shoulders, all seem to be very inflexible. In my opinion, Apollo is (borderline) disabled, as they likely do not have the same capabilities as an abled person.

5. No facial expressions

They have no ‘face’ - so no facial expressions either. They also can’t make eye contact. Autistics are known to struggle with facial expressions - and especially eye contact - in conversations. I’m not sure whether it’s a blessing or not for Apollo to be unable to make eye contact with anyone, because that’s just about the most uncomfortable thing to do (for me at least), and yet it’s so weirdly important in face-to-face communication at the same time. To physically express emotions must be quite hard for them, therefore they likely have to compensate through body language. A notable one is a certain tendency to tilt their head: “as the hologram recedes, Apollo's head turns to the side ever so slightly, as if sighing, saddened.” Due to them having no facial expressions, I think it could be pretty hard for anyone to tell if they’re listening to them or not. I am saying this out of my own personal experience. Okay story time! When I was younger it was kind of unclear to others whether I was paying attention to them or not due to my lack of eye contact. This led to me finding an alternative to that: head nodding! I tend to nod my head along as people talk to me. This way it’s clear to people that I am in fact listening without having to directly make eye contact with them. Perhaps Apollo does a similar thing to indicate that they’re paying attention. 

---

Pt. 1 < pt.2

[shxwmaster]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐭

Tagged by: @nightscng Tagging: @ilianchant @shadowsblades @lightsblade @sunrunnerrs @ladywindrunner

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

FULL NAME. Mathias Shaw

NICKNAME. Mat, Mattie don’t call him nicknames

GENDER. Cis Male

HEIGHT. 5′8″

AGE. ~45

ZODIAC. Virgo

SPOKEN LANGUAGES.  Common (fluent), Orcish (fluent), Thalassian (moderate), Dwarven (slow), Gnomish (passable), Zandali (slow), Goblin (passable), Azerothian Sign Language (fluent)

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

HAIR COLOR. Paprika red

EYE COLOR. Emerald green

SKIN TONE. Pale

BODY TYPE. Lithe, pulled taut like a wire, built like a ballerino

VOICE. Coarse, tired, like he gargles sawdust, but surprisingly gentle

DOMINANT HAND. Right handed (learned ambidexterity)

POSTURE. Straight, prim, posh, proper

SCARS. All sorts: blade gashes, arrows, gunshot wounds, bites and claws, broken bones, magical, surgical — most he doesn’t remember the story for.

TATTOOS. None

BIRTHMARKS. Left elbow bears a slight discoloration in the shape of a bean

MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). The handlebar mustache and hardened look. Scarcely blinks. Sees everything, blends and hides in everything. 

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝

PLACE OF BIRTH. Stormwind City

HOMETOWN. Old Town, Stormwind

SIBLINGS. None

PARENTS. Charlene Shaw & Jorach Ravenholdt (connection to father unknown to shaw)

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

OCCUPATION. Spymaster, Assassin, Royal Bodyguard

CURRENT RESIDENCE. Stormwind City

CLOSE FRIENDS. Renzik, Fairwind, Valeera. Every other friend he’s had is dead now.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Verse dependent

FINANCIAL STATUS. Comfortable

DRIVER’S LICENSE. Yes

CRIMINAL RECORD. Shaw is above the law.

VICES. Pride, Wrath

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Gay

PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch

PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch

LIBIDO. Average

TURN ON’S. Anyone who can take command, bark orders, take the reigns over something, get a little mean. Leaders, mostly. Efficiency. Blade proficiency. Passion.

TURN OFF’S. Spinelessness, paladins/priests/religious tendencies, slobs, magical tendencies

LOVE LANGUAGE. Quality time & Words of affirmation

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  Shaw is not accustomed to them, nor does he partake in them. Everyone is held at an arms length or further if he can help it, but if he finds someone he’s comfortable with, he’ll take the time to learn all of their habits, quirks and patterns, mirror their behavior when around them (either intentionally or by accident), and find confidence to share things he likes with them. For the most part though, he’s extremely guarded, and tends to forget to emote. He doesn’t believe he can ever really have a solid relationship again, or at least not one that’s fair to his partner, but my god does his touch-starved lonely gay ass want one. the yearning is strong. everything always ends up coming down to a landslide because of how pent up he gets

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. Footsteps by Caught a Ghost // Here’s my playlist for Shaw though!

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. Whittling bird figures, watching the birds, mimicking birdcalls, drawing

LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. Right

PHOBIAS. Thalassophobia (fear of the ocean)

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Extremely high

VULNERABILITIES. Emotionally stunted, low empathy, socially inept at times, struggles to read genuine emotion, fearful of close contact, paranoid and can’t trust anyone, views every new place and person as a potential threat, insomniac, anxious, duty-bound

[digitaldreams0801]

Digimon Adventure x Fire Emblem Three Houses AU

AKA the AU in which I plop the cast of Digimon Adventure in to Three Houses and watch what happens. Neat. 

First of all, shoutout to my pal Ashley who schemed this whole thing up with me one night when we got bored. She proceeded to watch the entirety of Tri. with me in under twenty-six hours, so she’s one of the real ones. 

Second of all, none of the parents are in this. Why? Three Houses relies on parental angst, and all of the Digimon parents are too good to be involved with shit like that (yes I know we don’t know Jou, Daisuke, or Miyako’s parents shh it still applies). The exception to this rule is Hiroki (Iori’s father). 

Third of all, I’m adding daggers to this AU. Why? Because I said so. 

With that said, let’s get into this. 

First House: Crimson Lizards

The first house of this universe replaces the Black Eagles. It covers the region on the southern area of the continent known as the Adrestian Empire. Its leading family is the Yagami line. 

Taichi Yagami - House Leader - Minor Crest of Seiros Taichi is an axe fighter with a Crest of Seiros. He’s the leader of the Crimson Leaders and the future ruler of the Empire. He’s confident and optimistic, easily earning the respect of those around him thanks to his natural charm. However, this hides a few dark secrets involving the Yagami line.  Taichi’s courage is unmatched, and he fights with a bold battle style to prove this. He relies on axes and gauntlets as his main weapons. He has an advantage in both as well as authority. Meanwhile, his skills with faith and reason magic are poor, and he’s not great when it comes to flying either. He has the potential to be good at armor as well when trained. Taichi is fast with high strength, able to obliterate most of his foes easily, though he suffers from poor magical resistance.  Taichi was one of many children born between the emperor and his many consorts. He had a variety of older and younger siblings, but he was the only one born with a Crest, prompting him to be named as heir to the house. One by one, the rest of his siblings disappeared, and none of them resurfaced saved for his younger half sister, Hikari. He has grown incredibly protective of her as a result. Taichi also grew up as a close companion of Sora, and the two are close friends even years later. 

Sora Takenouchi - Noble Student - Minor Crest of Cichol Sora is Taichi’s childhood friend and heir to House Takenouchi, a powerful house within the Empire. One day, she will grow up to become the prime minister of the Empire, but she is far from being a typical noble given her personality. She’s Taichi’s primary confidant as well since they grew up together. Sora is a mercenary, fighting with swords and gauntlets a good chunk of the time. She is also good with lances, and she has a budding talent in both faith magic and flying. However, Sora struggles when it comes to heavy armor or horseback riding, and she’s poor with daggers as well. She relies primarily on skill and speed when fighting, though her strength and defense are also strong. She’s well-rounded, but she fails to excel in a given area.  Sora grew up with the expectations of the world on her shoulders, and she grew to loathe the way others ignored her feelings in favor of their own opinions. Taichi was the main person to listen to her when they were growing up, and the two became mutually supportive of one another. Despite this, Sora could sense that Taichi was struggling with other things, prompting her to start bottling her emotions from a young age. She has become so numb to her own suffering that she believes herself to be incapable of love. 

Koushiro Izumi - Commoner Student - No Crest Koushiro is the adopted son of two merchants within Adrestia, and he is the only commoner student in the Black Eagles this year. He is known for being incredibly inquisitive and curious when it comes to Crests. Koushiro admires all of his classmates, wanting to become closer to them after years of struggling to reach out to others.  Koushiro’s class is wyvern rider, meaning he has strengths in lances, axes, and flying. He’s not as strong in dagger, gauntlet, or horseback riding, but he does have potential in archery. Koushiro is a tankier member of the group, maintaining strong defenses and incredible strength. He is on the slower side though, and he is far from being strong in magic.  Koushiro’s birth parents were Crest researchers who stumbled upon a few things they shouldn’t have shortly after his birth. As such, they were killed by unknown figures who would later be revealed to have ties to the church. Koushiro was taken in by a few distant relatives, too young to remember his birth parents. He remained curious on the subject of Crests like his parents were, and he still tries to find out more about them despite not knowing of his true heritage. 

Hikari Yagami - Noble Student - Major Crest of Fraldarius Hikari is the younger of the two surviving Yagami children, though she is not set to inherit the Empire like her brother. She is on the shy side, but she is still known for her empathy and kindness. Hikari lived a rather sheltered life, so she is simultaneously curious about and afraid of the world at large. She hates the dark greatly due to her past.  Hikari acts as the healer of the class, specializing in faith and reason magic. Her skills with a bow aren’t bad either. However, she is poor in the categories of heavy armor, axes, and gauntlets, leaving her as the opposite of her brother. Hikari’s weaker constitution contributes to her being stronger in the magical fields, and she’s highly lucky as well, but her defense from physical attacks is very low.  Hikari was born without a Crest as a child of the emperor and one of his consorts. As the years passed by, her siblings started to go missing, and Hikari was one victim of such. She was taken away from the palace where she was experimented on by Crest researchers involved with the Church of Seiros. Hikari was the only person to survive the horrors, and she wound up with a Major Crest of Fraldarius despite not being great with physical weapons. Only Taichi is aware of the truth behind what happened to her, as he was the only one she told after returning from the experimentation. Hikari tends to avoid using physical weapons most of the time, claiming instead that she doesn’t have a Crest unless she is forced to reveal the truth. 

Second House: Azure Wolves

The second house is known as the Azure Wolves, and it consists of students from the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus. The ruling family of Faerghus is the Ishida line. 

Yamato Ishida - House Leader - Minor Crest of Blaiddyd Yamato is the somewhat stony and closed-off leader of the Azure Wolves. He isn’t a bad person in the slightest, instead being an incredible person to rely on when he gets to know someone, but he fears reaching out to others. Yamato is very defensive of his younger brother, Takeru, and such can drive him to extreme lengths at times.  Yamato’s class is soldier, meaning he is skilled with lances. He is strong with swords and authority as well, but he is far from being a mage, possessing poor skills in faith and reason magic. Yamato also suffers when it comes to flying, but he does show potential with daggers. He has high strength, speed, skill, and defense, but his luck and resistance are far from being the best.  Yamato’s life began with him living alongside his brother, Takeru, in the palace of Faerghus. This all came crashing down when his parents split in a bloody divide. His mother and Takeru moved away, and the two brothers didn’t see each other again for years. Yamato made friends with one of his guards, a young man named Kyukichi. Yamato found himself falling in love with Kyukichi, and the two became incredibly close over the years. However, Kyukichi was defeated in battle, leaving Yamato paranoid about reaching out to others in case they died as a result. Shortly after Kyukichi’s death, news reached the Ishida household of a tragedy in a nearby territory: Yamato’s mother had been assassinated, and Takeru was gravely injured in the attack. This was the first time the brothers saw each other after their family split, and Yamato was far from being happy. Yamato was dragged back to the palace without Takeru, but his concern for his brother only grew. The two were apart until they came to attend classes at the Officers Academy together a few months later. 

Mimi Tachikawa - Noble Student - Minor Crest of Daphnel Mimi is a kind, empathetic young woman with a strong distaste for violence. She is a firm pacifist even in the face of bloodshed, never wanting anyone around her to get hurt. She is prone to being overwhelmed by her emotions, causing occasional outbursts on her end, but she has good intentions. She is set to lead a noble family upon coming of age.  Mimi’s class is the pegasus knight. She is strong in lances, flying, and faith magic with a budding talent in reason magic. She isn’t anywhere near as strong where axes, horseback riding, or armor are concerned though. Her fighting style is reliant on skill and speed in particular, but she is otherwise rather well-rounded.  Mimi grew up in a life of danger, always fearing what could lurk around the corner. She knew that she was set to inherit a noble house, and the dangers of such became apparent to her from a young age. Many guards of her family’s estate were forced to sacrifice their lives for Mimi, and in some cases, she witnessed their demises. She grew to detest violence, wishing that she could give up her status if it would stop people from giving up their lives for her. She only fights because she knows that there is no other option. Unlike how Sora grew up as friends with Taichi, Mimi and Yamato were separated throughout their early lives since neither wished to reach out. 

Jou Kido - Commoner Student - No Crest Jou acts as the somewhat anxious over thinker of the Azure Wolves, always trying to think seven steps ahead. He can get panicky at times, allowing his fear to control him, and he is far from being a social butterfly. Jou still attempts to take responsibility as the oldest member of the house despite this. He comes from a family of merchants.  Jou is an archer. He has strengths in bows, faith magic, and daggers. He lacks prowess in heavy armor, flying, and authority, though he does have potential in lances. Jou is a bit of a glass cannon, relying on high critical chances and speed rather than his defenses. In particular, he is vulnerable to attacks from enemy mages.  Jou’s family is known for being a prominent line of merchants in Faerghus, but since Jou has older siblings (Shin and Shuu) to take up the family business, his parents wanted him to become a knight. Jou didn’t want this path for himself in the slightest though, instead wanting to heal others. He kept this idea private though, not wanting to let anyone down if he diverged from the path set before him. Jou takes up faith magic in private, and he secretly brews medical potions, though not even his fellow classmates are aware of such. Mimi is the first one to find out, but he swears her to secrecy. 

Takeru Takaishi - Noble Student - Major Crest of Dominic Takeru is Yamato’s younger brother and a noble of Faerghus. He grew up apart from his brother, explaining the difference between them. Where Yamato is dark and quiet, Takeru is optimistic and hopeful, making friends easily. He’s a bit of a flirt as well, though he primarily uses his skills on Hikari, Daisuke, and Ken. Much like Sora though, he has a nasty habit of bottling his emotions.  Takeru is a mage, and he has strengths in faith magic, reason magic, and lances. He’s weaker in the departments of heavy armor, gauntlets, and axes. He has budding talents in both bows and daggers. He has high magic, skill, speed, and resistance, but his physical strength, defense, and luck are rather poor to contrast such.  Takeru, much like Yamato, was born to the king of Faerghus and a noble of a nearby house. Following a sudden divorce, Takeru went to live with his mother, who chose to use her maiden surname. He began to develop attachment issues, not wanting to lose anybody the way that he lost contact with his father and brother. These came to a head shortly after the death of Kyukichi when an assassin snuck into the Takaishi estate. Takeru witnessed the murder of his mother before being attacked himself. He received an awful wound to his stomach, leaving him struggling to get by for quite some time. Yamato visited briefly, and the two vowed to become close since they never had the chance to beforehand. Yamato was forced to return to Ishida lands, leaving Takeru alone to recover for the next few weeks. When the two met up at the Officers Academy a few months after the assassination, they were practically inseparable. Takeru’s unhealthy issues with losing people have remained though, and he would do anything to defend the newfound connections he has formed with both Yamato and the other ten students. 

Third House: Golden Dragons

The third and final house is the Golden Dragons. It consists of students from the Leicester Alliance. The Alliance itself is led by the Motomiya family, and the house’s leader is Daisuke. 

Daisuke Motomiya - House Leader - Minor Crest of Riegan Daisuke acts as the eternally loyal and upbeat house leader of the Golden Dragons. He is kind almost to a fault, believing everyone has good within them somewhere. He has a special way of drawing people out of their shells with his infectious nature. Daisuke greatly admires Taichi and Yamato from afar, though the former is the primary subject of his affection. Daisuke is a brawler, fighting primarily with gauntlets and axes. He is strong with authority as well, and he has a budding talent in sword usage. On the other hand, he is poor with lances, reason magic, and faith magic. Daisuke relies on high critical chances and his overwhelming natural strength, but his defenses are poor, especially where magic is concerned.  Daisuke is the younger of two siblings within the Motomiya household. His older sister, Jun, was not born with a Crest, meaning he was left as the heir to the family. Jun married another nobleman within the Alliance, so the two didn’t interact much and as such have a rather rocky relationship. Daisuke’s father was from Almyra, so both Daisuke and Jun are half Almyran. Daisuke has suffered under common misconceptions regarding Almyran people throughout his life, leading to him hiding his heritage. He doesn’t wish to be abandoned or left alone by those who he would otherwise be friends with, so he keeps the secret close to his chest always. 

Miyako Inoue - Commoner Student - No Crest Miyako is a passionate spirit from Leicester, one of the few commoners at the academy for the year. She is talkative and open, always loyal to herself above all else. She can get a bit carried away at times, not thinking before she speaks in her worst of moments. Miyako comes from a prominent merchant family within the Alliance, but much like Jou, she is not set to inherit much of anything.  Miyako’s class is the thief, leaving her strong with swords and daggers. However, she has a strength in reason magic as well, contributing to her ability to become a dancer further down the line. She isn’t the best in faith magic, horseback riding, or axes, but she does have potential to get better in faith. Miyako has high resistance, skill, and speed, but she suffers from poor defense and being squishy where HP is concerned.  Miyako is the youngest of four children within her family, and she has always been regarded as the black sheep of the group, never quite living up to the expectations of others. Since there was never enough inherent trust for her to decide her future on her own, she was pushed into becoming a knight for the Motomiya family against her will. Miyako hates that her future has already been determined for her and longs to take back a sense of agency. Some find her to be abrasive and blunt, but this is truly a defense mechanism she uses to keep people from controlling her. Luckily for her, Daisuke has no wishes to completely manipulate her, leaving Miyako feeling most open and home around the other Golden Dragons. 

Iori Hida - Commoner Student - No Crest Iori is the quiet, introverted son of a knight from Leicester. His father was a fighter for the Motomiya family, but following his death, the Hida family was left feeling somewhat empty. Iori is distant and perceives most situations to be black and white. He is rather stoic as well, keeping to himself unless he is otherwise called upon.  Iori is a cavalier with strengths in lances, swords, and horseback riding. He has a budding talent in axes, but he lacks aptitude in daggers, faith magic, and flying. Iori is well-rounded with an inclination towards skill and strength. He never misses his target and is known to critical hit rather often, but his luck is somewhat on the lacking side.  Iori’s father was once a renowned knight for Daisuke’s father, but he lost his life when defending the archduke of the Alliance. Grief came to be too much for the family, and Iori’s mother and grandfather moved far from the capital as a result. This string of events caused Iori to become somewhat distanced from his emotions for better or for worse. Daisuke’s family offered Iori a place at the Officers Academy as a way of paying back the Hida family for the sacrifice of Iori’s father, and he accepted it. He wishes to become a fighter for the sake of defending the weak. Iori can unfortunately be prone to polarized thinking, believing that all things are either good or bad with no middle ground. 

Ken Ichijouji - Noble Student - Major Crest of Gloucester Ken is the son of a prominent family within Leicester, and his line is second only to the Motomiya family as far as power is concerned. Ken is kind and caring, putting the wellbeing of all others above himself. He is endlessly empathetic, but he can tend to keep his feelings inside at times. Ken is shy and requires patience to get to know, but he is a great supportive voice when he gets close with others. Ken is a dark mage, possessing primarily dark magic spells rather than elemental ones. He’s talented with daggers, reason magic, and authority with a budding talent in faith. He struggles with horseback riding and heavy armor, and he’s not great with gauntlets either. Ken is a glass cannon with high offensive stats, but he can easily be defeated between his lack of evasion and low defenses.  Ken is in truth the younger of two children within the Ichijouji family. His older brother, Osamu, had a Minor Crest of Gloucester and was regarded as a genius by many. Ken felt neglected when compared to Osamu, and the only thing he really had over his brother was having a Major Crest. Osamu gained renown as a knight, but he was defeated in battle after an unfortunate accident. Ken blamed himself immediately, feeling that somehow his inferiority issues had manifested in Osamu’s fall. When his parents were overcome with grief, Ken began to mold himself to be more like Osamu as a way of becoming the person his parents truly longed for. They didn’t notice a difference in his behavior, instead applauding the shift. Ken began to feel insecure in his true nature since he thought it wasn’t enough to be thought of as worthy by his family and people, and until he went to the academy, he made attempts to shove his true personality aside on multiple occasions. 

Church of Seiros

The church is the primary religious institution of the continent, and it is led by an archbishop. There are teachers at the church as well, and they are meant to preside over each individual class. 

Homeostasis - Archbishop - Major Crest of Seiros Homeostasis is the archbishop of the church, and she is known for being a kind, benevolent figure cared for by all. Her sweet nature is beloved by everyone. In truth, she is a child of Sothis and partially a dragon as a result. Homeostasis has ruled over the continent from afar for generations and has gained a perfect reputation over the decades. She has changed in recent years, becoming far darker because of the influences of...

Yggdrasil - ??? - Major Crest of Seiros Yggdrasil was once the ruler of the continent through the church, but he was forcefully usurped by Homeostasis nearly a thousand years before the current year at the academy. He spent countless decades attempting to regain his footing before getting rid of Homeostasis entirely. Thanks to his special abilities, he was able to seamlessly place himself in Homeostasis’ position, changing his appearance to match hers. In truth, Yggdrasil is Homeostasis’ sibling and one of the children of the goddess, Sothis. Yggdrasil took over after the death of the goddess, but he was a corrupt ruler. Homeostasis took over after usurping him from power, leaving him alive as an act of mercy. Yggdrasil took this as a chance to scheme for the future when he would return, and that time has finally come. 

Gennai - Archbishop’s Assistant - Major Crest of Seiros Gennai is an artificial being who was created by Homeostasis to act as her assistant in keeping the peace. He shares her blood since she crafted him. Gennai has kept the truth of his heritage secret for countless years, and as far as any history books are aware, he simply appeared from nowhere one day and has been serving Homeostasis ever since. He has grown nervous around Homeostasis as of late though, recognizing that something is wrong but not realizing it is Yggdrasil. 

Daigo Nishijima - Crimson Lizards Teacher - Minor Crest of Indech Daigo is the teacher of the Crimson Leaders. He was once a noble of a house within the Empire, but he stepped down after seeing how corrupted the system of nobles had become over the years. He is relaxed and laid back, caring greatly for his students. In particular, he has a close relationship with Taichi, who comes to him for advice whenever he is feeling nervous or unsteady.  Daigo is an armored knight with strengths in axes, gauntlets, and heavy armor. He has a budding talent in authority while he struggles in flying, horseback riding, and faith magic. He isn’t too fast, but his strength, skill, and defense more than make up for such a weakness.  Daigo was raised to be a noble for most of his life, but all of that came crumbling down shortly after he graduated from the Officers Academy himself. He realized after entering the world of nobility how corrupt the system was and knew that he couldn’t contribute to such in good conscience. He stepped away from his post and became a teacher. Daigo has grown increasingly suspicious of Homeostasis (now replaced by Yggdrasil), knowing that something has changed within her. 

Maki Himekawa - Azure Wolves Teacher - Minor Crest of Lamine Maki is the Azure Wolves teacher who hails from Faerghus. She was born as the youngest of many children, and she was not given the chance to rule over her house. She went to the academy alongside Daigo and wound up following him in becoming a professor at the monastery. She is known for being blunt and somewhat harsh, but Maki does ultimately care for those around her in her own way. Maki is a myrmidon, known for her speed and skill. She has immense strength with swords and daggers along with authority. However, she is lacking in faith magic, axes, and heavy armor. Maki has potential in gauntlets. She is difficult to hit and often criticals between her high strength and evasion, but she suffers from poor defenses as well.  Maki was once Daigo’s classmate at the Officers Academy, but seeing the horrors of war firsthand caused her to grow dark and pragmatic. She wasn’t sure of what to do with her life, not wanting to fight but not having a noble title to take up either. In the end, she followed Daigo back to the monastery to become a teacher. She and Daigo have a positive relationship, though the true depths of how close they are remains unknown. 

Yukio Oikawa - Golden Dragons Teacher - No Crest Yukio acts as the teacher of the Golden Dragons. He is a longtime friend of the Hida family, having once acted as a knight alongside Hiroki. He comes off as rather kind and positive, but he hides a secret dark side. All others know Yukio as a rather bright individual looking to the future in the name of progress, unaware of how scarily accurate this is.  Yukio is a dark mage much like Ken, having benefits in reason magic, daggers, and bows while struggling in heavy armor, axes, and swords. He has potential to get better in swords. He deals heavy damage but is rather slow and at risk of dying if he takes too many hits, especially from physical weapons.  Yukio was close with Hiroki leading up to his death, as the two attended classes at the Officers Academy years before Maki and Daigo did the same. They became knights for the Motomiya line together, but Hiroki fell while doing his job. This started to push Yukio off the edge when he couldn’t move past his grief, and he became obsessed with the idea of resurrecting Hiroki somehow. Yukio turned to dark magic, and he was eventually noticed by Yggdrasil, who said that such was possible if Yukio joined forces with him. Out of desperation, Yukio followed him, unaware that Yggdrasil had lied in order to manipulate him. Yggdrasil promoted Yukio to professor of the Golden Dragons as soon as he managed to take the place of Homeostasis. 

Meiko Mochizuki - Monastery Assistant - Minor Crest of Cethleann Meiko is an assistant at the monastery who has taken shelter at Garreg Mach ever since a tragic incident left her an orphan. She is introverted and shy, hesitating to reach out to others due to her own awkwardness and paranoia. Meiko hates feeling alone despite her aversion to reaching out to others, leaving her a bit of an anxious wreck a strong majority of the time.  Meiko’s class is the dark knight. She has strengths with reason magic, faith magic, and horseback riding with budding talents in lances and swords. She is weaker in authority, heavy armor, and dagger usage. Meiko boasts high resistance, skill, and magic, but she can be rather slow and suffers from poor physical stats.  Meiko’s parents were killed in what seems to be a tragic accident at face value. In truth, they were killed by agents of Yggdrasil who were trying to get at her. Meiko was taken in by the church after the incident with Homeostasis treating her kindly. However, this was all a mask, as Yggdrasil had already replaced his sister as the archbishop. Meiko was essentially gaslit into staying at the monastery by Yggdrasil, who said that nobody would believe her if she spoke out. Gennai took particular interest in her, taking her under his wing unofficially. In truth, Yggdrasil was planning on using her for her skills with magic. She showed signs of being a prodigy from a young age, and Yggdrasil was planning on shifting such to fit his plans. However, Meiko wound up turning against Yggdrasil at the encouragement of Gennai when the moment of fate came. 

Other

Yggdrasil’s Crimes Yggdrasil was responsible for the deaths of Koushiro’s parents. They were getting too close to realizing the truth behind his plans, so he had them killed and covered it up as an accident. In that way, Koushiro is rather similar to Meiko. Yggdrasil was also the one who sent the assassin to kill Yamato and Takeru’s mother. The plan was also to kill Takeru along the way, but he never got the chance to do so when Takeru unexpectedly survived the attack. Security was too high in the months afterwards for him to make any further attempts.  He also had the Crest experimentation performed on the Yagami children aside from Taichi. He spared Taichi only since he already had a Crest. Hikari was never meant to be rescued, and she was instead planned to be yet another powerful soldier as Meiko was. Empire soldiers saved her before she could fall to such a fate though.  Osamu did not die in battle as was explained initially. Instead, Yggdrasil kidnapped him and reached out, intending to use Osamu for his own purposes. However, Osamu lashed out and attempted to escape, prompting Yukio to kill him. At the time, Yukio was already under Yggdrasil’s thumb and willing to do his bidding. The truth behind Osamu’s death was covered up immediately under the guise of an accident during combat. 

Kyukichi Kyukichi did not die as was once expected. In truth, he was born to a few firm followers of Yggdrasil, causing him to be raised under the idea that Yggdrasil had to rule the world. He was told to become Yamato’s friend to eventually stab him in the back, but Kyukichi was given orders to retreat before the full betrayal could play out, prompting his death to be faked as Yamato fell into despair. Kyukichi continued to work for Yggdrasil afterwards, though his faith began to waver after his next mission. He was told to infiltrate the Takaishi household as an assassin, meaning he was the one who killed Yamato and Takeru’s mother. After he nearly killed Takeru, he began to grow unsteady in his confidence, but he hid such for a while longer.  Kyukichi acts as a figure similar to the Flame Emperor, appearing somewhat often throughout the Academy Phase as an enemy before being unmasked shortly before the War Phase begins. He escapes only to return after time skip. 

Plot

Academy Phase

Throughout the Academy Phase, the students do things that walk the fine line between helpful and harmful to Yggdrasil, not doing any serious harm to either Homeostasis or Yggdrasil to not draw too much attention to Yggdrasil while not damaging his schemes. Kyukichi appears a few times as a masked figure who seems to be neither friend nor foe, but he does cause some serious harm later on when given instructions to finish his previous mission of killing Takeru. While he doesn’t succeed in killing Takeru, the boy is once again horribly hurt. Yamato finds him soon after, and Kyukichi is unmasked in the struggle. Yamato goes into shock as Kyukichi escapes and Hikari heals Takeru’s injuries. Taichi wonders how Kyukichi was able to invade the monastery, and Yukio reveals his betrayal as well. Soon after, Yggdrasil arrives and reveals his true plans to the group, prompting them to scatter and go into hiding. The three nations are told their heirs are dead shortly before Yggdrasil’s forces lead a widespread invasion of the continent. 

War Phase It isn’t until five years later that Daigo and Maki bring the students back together alongside Gennai and Meiko with plans of defeating Yggdrasil once and for all. The twelve students come together after spending years running from Yggdrasil’s forces and decide to help Homeostasis. In the end, they succeed, and Homeostasis is once again honored as the archbishop. Yggdrasil and Yukio are killed in battle, and Kyukichi is defeated at Yamato’s hands as well. Peace reigns over Fodlan at long last, and the lost heirs take over their thrones at long last. The rest of the students stand by them as well. Meiko and Gennai work with Homeostasis to properly reform the church with the former becoming the professor of the Golden Dragons in Yukio’s stead. 

Ending Thoughts

I hope you enjoyed this big old tangent from me! If you’d like more from this AU, feel free to say so, and I can try to whip up a solid plot structure for it in the future! Now, I’m going to sleep since it’s 4:30 AM. I hope you liked this mess of a rant!

[lastsonlost]

This is what it looks like when you can't see past your own bias.

Aka: what happens when your lived experience is inconvenient to the narrative.

By Andrea Thompson

Watching the movie “Brian Banks” is...awkward. To some extent, it's a classic sports underdog movie, but the struggles Brian Banks had to overcome are anything but conventional. As the movie continually points out, he's exceptional. And he is, in more ways that this movie is aware of.

Based on a true story, which the movie is quick to point out with dramatic music (uh oh), the title character, played by Aldis Hodge, muses on his great love for football, which he was on track to play professionally until he was stopped in his tracks at 16 years old. It's how he was stopped that would make anyone pause; Banks was falsely accused of rape by a classmate.

After some bad legal advice leads to jail time and some years struggling to navigate the conditions of his parole (and having to register as a sex offender), Banks struggles to simply find a job while simultaneously fighting to clear his name and reclaim his life. He also repeatedly writes the Innocence Project and asks them to take his case. Refusing to give up even after they reject him, Banks goes to meet with the lawyers on the project in person, first convincing them to give him advice, then take him on, and finally, actively fight for him.

It's impossible not to get invested in just how much Banks had to overcome, from his poverty-stricken childhood and the various legal road blocks that threaten to end his fight before it even begins. Banks wasn't imprisoned, so he was not a priority for the Innocence Project, and since he took a plea rather than going to trial, he needs completely new evidence rather than simply using what was already discovered. He also has to stay sane in jail, especially when he's put in solitary. Banks even took the initiative and managed to record his accuser recanting her confession.

Except. Except. Well, there was going to be misgivings about this film being released during the #MeToo Era, wasn't there? That the film would fully embrace Brian's perspective and his struggles is natural, even admirable. However, this type of story demands more, and what the movie doesn't say is far more noteworthy than what it does. It doesn't mention that the percentage of false rape accusations are not only incredibly low, the conviction rate for them is even lower. It limits its empathy for what many women have gone through to one scene, where Banks's love interest Karina (Melanie Liburd) reveals she was raped in college, and how devastating the aftermath was for her.

Even if there's little to no doubt of Brian's innocence, it's hard not to wince as his accuser is subjected to the kinds of questions which are used to discredit actual victims, as the men questioning her ask just what she expected to happen when she went off alone with Brian, why she didn't shout, etc. It also doesn't help that Brian and the people assisting him are all easily identifiable as various levels of middle class while his accuser and his family are...not so much, let's just say.

Yes, Brian Banks suffered a terrible injustice, and he proved himself to be exceptional not just for his athletic prowess, but the strength of character it took to fight for the truth over a period of years. The performances are also incredible, and help to elevate this movie above the simplistic melodrama it would otherwise be, although it also depicts faith and how it can be a bedrock for those in pain more respectfully than most mainstream films are typically capable of. It's all in service of someone who deserves to be vindicated, but it shouldn't have to come at the expense of so many other victims.

Rating: C-

Fortunately I wasn't the only one who took issue with this "review".

Cassandra3

This is a disgusting review of a great film. I can not believe that I read what I just read. And also why did you put "(duh duh)" after saying it was a true story. You give Feminism a bad name and I am embarrassed to even have someone like you even pretend to fight for women's rights. SMH

Andree4

This is a wretched review, that quite possibly reveals deep-seated implicit biases, on your part. You didn't review the movie, you made a political statement, rooted in radical feminist, and male-hating rhetoric. This man, along with other men of similar misfortunes, is the victim-not the woman who accused him. He is a human being, that has every right to have his story told, unmolested by contrived issues that would shift the focus off of him, onto a non-victim. And so what if his economic status is above his false accusers status: does it then justify her lies against this man, that resulted in his imprisonment? Nice attempt at a fake out, but I'm sorry-you miserably failed. At the core it appears as if you feel more sorry for false accusers of men, than the men who are falsely accused by these liars. It appears that way, in light of you inserting that jab. This pitiful analysis betrays your binary agenda: all women are truthful and good, in spite of potential liars and deceivers amongst them, whereas all men are just BAD-because they're men. And God help the men if they are assertive, confident and forthright, for then they'll be accused of having TOXIC MASCULINITY, whereas a woman with those same qualities will be labeled a BOSS. Look at the woman in the mirror...

Crystal4

This is a horrible review of the movie. It doesn’t even review the movie. It more about your perspective in the Brian Banks case. I have never seen so much bias. You make it sound like the movie forces you to see Brian Banks as a victim. When in all reality he IS the victim. He was accused of raping his girlfriend and it was completely false. It was prisoned and register as a sex offender. His whole life changed on a lie from a girl who’s family wanted money. What other victims did it come at the cost of ? He just telling his story. SHOULD HE LIE OR WATER IT DOWN, BECAUSE IT HURTS YOUR SENSITIVE IDEALS ? Should he not get justice? Please explain to me what you are trying to say.

Jesse4

Even in the face of a story that proves there are two sides to this extremely challenging issue, you demonstrate that you have no regard for men who can see their lives completely destroyed when false allegations happen. This review is equivalent to me watching The Accused then writing about how it was important to shine a light on violent gang rape, but not if the movie didn’t properly explore situations where men were jailed over false allegations. I also love how you threw in the problem with WHITE MEN when the movie is about a BLACK WOMAN FALSELY ACCUSING A BLACK MAN OF RAPE. Your ideology clouds your vision to where the hierarchy of victimhood drives all understanding of right/wrong and how any narrative should be interpreted. It’s transparent to 90% of us, but your kind lives in an echo chamber. You aren’t more educated...you’re more indoctrinated and I’m looking forward to the cultural shift that sees your viewpoints thrown in the dustpan of history.

Gordon Shumway4

At no point in this cinematic review did you review the movie on its story-telling, 'watchability', acting, or general movie presentation. You took your biased, personal opinion about the story, and decided that it does not fit your false narrative that the female is always the victim.