#just havent been able to draw it in a way i liked
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Collateral Damage
#Ayy#been a sec since ive drawn mr goodtimes#which is very surprising for me#wknwnwmq#8 days with no scar is apparently a lot for me#anyways this wasn't what i was going to originally angst#but the other one just wasn't working out so yknow#goodtimeswithscar#gtws fanart#limited life smp#limited life#traffic smp#limited life spoilers#my art#cw eyestrain#also apologies long haired scar fans#just havent been able to draw it in a way i liked
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good morning sifloop nation
#loop is so fucking hard to draw bc I can never tell how I can center the face on their cookie cutter as head#its literally just a pair of eyes and yet it fucks with me every time 😭#idk what came over me bc suddenly im imagining these two freaks in the funniest scenarios for my own pleasure#im not even halfway thru the game yet im still on act 2 bc I havent been able to play it in a while#genuinely though I am curious as to how ppl would go about describing how u would kiss loop. this isnt even a jab at anyone#in fact I admire whoever pushed their imagination to the limits to find a way to make loop kissable in ways science cannot explain#and other fun activities#I think itd be funny for them to do 7 minutes in heaven bc normally 2 ppl go in to smooch or whatever in the closet#in their case two of them go in but only one of them comes out alive. bc theyre like that#are they fighting or are they fucking. the answer is up to you#sifloop#myart#my art#in stars and time#isat#isat fanart#isat loop#isat Siffrin#Siffrin#loop#doodles#shitpost
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,
#havent been able to draw/write bc of the break but still thinking abt xadri#first time xan offers to wash radri's hair for her (she mentions she hates doing it) radri's like >///< then i'll return the favor!!#and then theres a beat of silence. radri bc shes like wait oh no he must think thats logically inconsistent with what i just said earlier#and xan bc he's running through the logistics of the scenario and considering whether or not he can handle being undressed in her presence#other separate scene is radri being delighted by ordinary sights--like pausing to look at a frog or a dragonfly or dappled sunlight#she's like 'imoen look!!' and imoen doesnt really get what shes so taken by (i hc imoen as having come to candlekeep older than radri was-#-comparatively speaking. so radri was much much more sheltered)#anyway xan notes this idly and one day is like 'radri--' about to call her attention to the way the water reflects on the rock wall above i#and radri's immediately like 'oh the way the water reflects on the wall is so beautiful'#and then she pauses embarrassed and is like 'sorry--what were you going to say?'#and xan is like 'nothing' with a soft gaze and a hint of a smile on his face#xan x radri
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hello tadc community
low effort doodles be upon ye
#jax tadc#tadc#tadc jax#tadc kinger#kinger tadc#the amazing digital circus kinger#the amazing digital circus jax#the amazing digital circus#ok now that thats out oft he way#i havent been able to draw properly for a bit bc of low energy and shit and this show immediately fixed my artblocj hello?????#silly little guys on my screen making my brain happy#i am absolutely kinger fr like. lack of spacial awareness + dissociation? weird volume control? just straight up weird? check check and chec#i fucking love kinger#the part where hes just vibrating intensely is me when sensory overload#JAX. we found the zooble hole :)
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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im so disappointed in my art lately . im not a beginner artist, but i feel like everything i do looks like i am . i feel like it would only be acceptable for a beginner . i havent made any progress since i was 11 . today is not a good day
#artist problems? except i barely even count as an artist atp#non serious vent sorry#i dont usually textpost because i much prefer just sticking it in the tags and hoping i forget about it#but i dont have anything to post. i literally have not been able to make anything at all.#does any other artist feel like this?#i know everyone says they feel like this but i cant decide if its comforting or condescending#all the other artists say “oh i hate my art!” when their art is good because its just the artists eye or whatever its called#and on one hand its comforting because everyone hates their art#but on the other hand its so discouraging because if you hate your art so much#how does mine look? how bad is mine?#i dont like talking abt weed bc its kinda weird for a 14 year old but i feel like the only times i can draw without crying -#- is when im high#i dont know i need to take a break or something#might focus on writing but everything is just so frustrating to me lately#i cant promise literally anything anymore because everytime i get excited to create its just GONE so fast#becaus i cant like anything i make#i keep searching for some kind of art advice that will actually help but i never can figure out how to apply it#and most of it is just “keep practicing!” as if i havent been practicing since i was 8 years old#i feel like at this point i have to just start all the way over but i dont even know how#at this point i would rather art regress than keep churning out the same mediocre garbage ive been drawing since 2022#and its not even that im pressuring myself to draw. its that all my art has just looked the same for so long and im so frustrated#i literally cannot draw anything without crying anymore its really upsetting#anyway sorry for the negativity on main :( this blog has kinda become my diary and im just an overdramatic teenager or whatever i dont know
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General oc talkkkk
I feel like i have to Do something with al once i take him off the shelf again (when my brain lets go of talon for another few months), ive been motivated to draw talon because he sits in my brain and i imagine interactions but it's much harder with al since al has been around for 10 years or more...and Al has like. Less conflict? In the sense of him just being a nice kind guy with regular human issues in a normal human world (or cow with regular individual issues in a normal furry world lol) ykwim?
Like. Talon is exaggerated he's a caricature of feelings to play with he's got lots of internal contradictions... and outside of that the whole Setting is easy to play with too, like, he's a vampire and those elements are more fun to think about and incorporate and build up in a way that requires a bit more brainpower of the fun variety (can make shit up) than Just a Regular Guy (has to be nore realistic, less fun to research), but less brainpower than, say, my abandoned Space Ocs where it was way harder for me to just make shit up, and way more to make shit up about (not as fun for me)
Idk! Its easy to imagine Talon in interactions, including ones with Al, or just self exploring dialogue....
Other than cute interactions between al and smunker its a lot harder to find stuff with him...he's a guy living in our regular world... his life has been fairly normal and he's good and nice. And i wouldnt change any of those things just to change em but there's less conflict other than the usual internal stuff all humans experience. I think if he wasnt my imaginary bf I would have shelved him more permanently like the oc group he came with...
There's something about how i very rarely make ocs, he's technically my oldest oc and talon is my newest oc, talon is what i Feel making ocs should feel like. And he's only over a year old. And he's still not even what I would call a well written character in any capacity. And yet i dont think i could very easily replicate this again ykwim. Im so bad at writing, and ..... creating....! Idk how people do any of it....i just wanna extend my ocs lives and my interest in them forever...
#talkys#long post#thinking also about how my friend said maybe id fare better if i didnt wait for my ocs to sort of fester in my brain to write them#bc thats how i do it...ive only been getting talon ideas because i talk to him all day in different scenarios i havent been able to exhaust#bc he's brand new#al's like. set in stone theres not much to draw because i just replay scenarios now. stagnated#i fear talon will get to a point like that too#like my brain will Fix Him and Therapize him and it wont be able to go back to the conflict he had Before that#so i wont play with him anymore...ykwim?#but i dont KNOW how to just make a character without having them show themself around in my brain#i barely even know how to make one in the way i do it now#bc i dont make ocs...bc i dont understand how to do Good Concept‚ Conflict‚ AND flesh em out#cause i got concepts for my space ocs. not complete ones but they have blurbs#ive never been able to get them to interact with me or each other in my brain though so idk anything about them#nor have i cared enough to draw them more#nor would i be able to think of scenarios#ykwim...?#its weird#ugh. maybe i am meant to just be a commission artist‚ im no good at any other niche#i got the worst Roll....#wish i had a brain...okay well im going to sleep neow goodnite
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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im finally getting ads completely in spanish now including the close/exit/proceed/shop now buttons that are on them ^_^ gonna start a journal soon for it as well!
#not spiderstuff#small rambling and updates feel free to skip or read that#im still really scared to speak it in front of my friends and family bc they'll just make fun of me for trying to learn and being so quiet#BUT. ill get there or ill die#i have a lot of plans so i havent actually been posting much here or reblogging much but i come on here every now and then#and i deleted the app like ages ago to discipline myself anyway. not that u guys asked BUT i just wanted to share!#but yeah. doing work constantly and trying to have fun drawing again (working btw! yay) and writing in free time and exercise with my dog +#for his health and my skin and just overall being healthier ! and less online#in preparation for a shit ton of things about to be thrown my way and idk if ill ever really BE prepared but. yknow thats life#and im going back to counseling and seeing if i can get back on meds to help with issues. i don't think ill be able to tell them everything#bc thats so dangerous rn? i don't trust anybofy like that#but i gotta. fuck this stupid baka human experience <- reference.#i cant beliebve adulthood is so close. like what the hell#i can't use my llittle guy excuse for attacking politicians anymore omg nooo
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i don't feel like copying what i wrote, so take some screenshots of me having brainworms for the JDK villains again. primarily spurred by me going "hey wouldn't Nisha and Artemis and Apollo make cool rockstars instead"
#i really need to hurry up and finish organizing my writing blog so i can start posting these there instead#anyways i feel like this finally nails EXACTLY the kind of vibes that i wanted for the Acolytes and Solanace#and tbh.....even if i cant find a way to work JDK's original curse themed plot with these ideas#i feel like it would absolutely be worth changing the stories/motivations for the POV trio to fit this new set of ideas#kinda adds a lot more to the villains as a whole#and also sets it apart from a lot of my other stories that revolve around 'essentially a cult' as an opposing force#if i decide to be the most self indulgent that i possibly could be#i might even consider the idea of making it a story ABOUT Solanace and the acolytes in the POV sense#theyd still obviously be villains but the protags of the story instead of the antags#at which point jonas/lydia/hayes would have to be majorly reworked to then fit into the antagonist roles#could also theoretically work with the idea of jonas AND nisha being POVs#so the reader would be getting insight to the good guys and the villains at the same time#JDK(which STILL needs a better placeholder title) really is a story that ive had to majorly change multiple times#most of my stories i have the general idea + genre settled before anything else#but this one is more character driven#i have two groups of OCs ive thought about in depth and i just havent been able to build the story around them in the right way yet#i think once i can Actually get my brain focused long enough to draw#i wanna doodle more rockstar inspired designs/themes for nisha/artie/apollo#see if the idea continues to tickle the brainworms in such a great way + then have time to make polished refs b4 artfight#bc i really love my overdramatic artsy villains okay. i think they deserve to be extra as fuck ya know?#who doesnt love a villain whose primary goal is to put on a show and THEN to do the evil things?
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THEY'RE DOING FUCKING WHAT FOR A CROWN OF CANDY????
#literally pissing and shitting myself rn#yall dont even know ive never said on here but d20 aCoC is literally like#the entire reason i started being more confident in my D&D games and i actually started trying character voices#like you can see a notable shift in our session recordings from when i started watching it#i mean u cant bc i dont post them lmfao#but there is a very clear line#is my voice for sorbet 'good' ??? not really but you know what i got over my fears bc of d20#literally my favorite d&d thing i have ever watched and one of the only ones ive ever been able to get through all the way#like i was HOOKED#i'm going to lose it#i hope its just as good#but also worried because what draws me to d20 vs cr is the vibes the group brings and how it's very very good but not . 'cinematic'?#that may be the wrong word#i also havent watched cr since like season 2 besides clips so i admit i may be wrong dont come for me#but i am really looking forward to this amethar was my favorite#crying screaming frowing up#im going to be so normal about this#a crown of candy#dimension 20
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waitttttt a fucking second. how did Maruki know about Akechi and Akira.
the other thieves wishes n stuff comes from what they talk about during their counseling sessions and the general publics wishes are because of Maruki looking into Mementos. but at no point does Akira so much as mention Akechi to Maruki, Akechi and Maruki are never on screen at the same time before the third semester, n Akechi doesnt even Know the guy before then either. the thieves are the only ones who know about Akechi dying in the first place, and who knows how much even they know abt what went on between him and Akira, and Maruki has already left the school before we get CLOSE to that point..
that weird dream Akira has during the transition into the third semester was likely Marukis doing and couldve been written off as the point where Maruki like. tampered with his mind or something n saw All of That - but thats AFTER Akechi shows up out of nowhere!!!! what the hell!!!!!!
#has anyone figured this out i havent seen anyone mention this before but. theres no connection that i can draw here#or did i miss something.#Maruki is implied to only do things he knows or believes people want based on whats said to him or presumably what shadows say in mementos#theres just. no point at all where i can think of him being able to pull this off#Maruki Does get his persona on christmas eve and Akechi comes back shortly after all that weird shits done#but theres still nothing that couldve.. theres no way?? if anything thats weirder. did he dive into Akiras brain during that whole thing#i dont get it!!!!! whadda hell!!!!!!#Akira - literally NO ONE - even thinks abt Akechi that day#i remember passerby dialogue wondering where he went after disappearing but that couldntve been enough to draw conclusions like that#Maruki brought Akechi back because he thought or knew that he and Akira wanted to start over. they should have been friends for real#shaking him. how the fuck do you know that. you shouldnt know that.#p5#PLEASE for the love of fuck tell me if im missing something here . please
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im gonna draw something cringe rn
#i need to. to. to get this out of my fucking brain#or else i explode. like i havent been able to draw lately. i cant say things through my sculptures the way i learned to doo with drawing.#ITS CLOGGED UP!!! I NEED TO PUSH THIS GUNK OUT!!!#and it might not look pretty but hey. its gunk that was clogging up my brain pipes my creative tubes my inspiration ways#if i just get it out in one go i might go back to enjoying doing this#sg.txt
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aagh this sucks
#every time ive asked for reassurance from someone lately i havent gotten much in the way of comfort.#just one or two stock phrases telling me not to worry and nothing about asking me about my feelings#like you know what? looking back on it#im kind of drawing the short end of the stick!!#the only time ive ever truly liked someone and didnt rush into a relationship bc of infatuation#and that backfired becajse i was taking it too slow so like. how do you do this lmao#bc i was trying to do it right this time so i dont seem like a crazy ex ultimately#but i really think bc of how long it takes for me to actually start liking someone enough to want to be in a relationship#combined with the worse and worse depressive episodes ive been having that leaves me distant and constantly having to patch friendships up#and just not being able to mask all that much anymore#kind of dont think im gonna be able to get into any relationship till im like 40 if i survive that long#sorry to pour all this out on tumblr#trying to organize my thoughts so i dont have a breakdown in my dads car#my depression is really rhe most debilitating thing of everything i have because it leaves me unable tk do anything for others and#forces others to center whatever rverything else around me bc its always fucking all about me#and i KNOW how exhausting that can be to others#and ckmbine it with my fucking 'i am uncomfortable when we are not about me?' personality trait. how do i make friends like that again
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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everything is too much rn im so stressed
#i still have 3 more assignments to work on that are due next week#which are all group projects by the way which makes it so much more unecessarily annoying#its been so stressful at home. i havent been able to spend time with my partner at all. im out of my anxiety meds#my room is a mess i need to clean and organize things and also my computer files are a nightmare rn and ;___;#i want to draw for artfight but i just literally have not had the time and energy to do it#im thinking maybe i really should not be participating this year but like. i did anyway bc its mostly this week that im busy but. UGHHHH#and i really want to draw ive been having some ideas for attacks i rlly want to work on!!!! and i wanna get some ppl back!!!! im!!!!!#im feeling so guilty about it#but also. yeah.
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