#just fyi in case it triggers anyone

[jasontoddspussy]

oooh, fun::]

What I look like IRL. Well, as close I could get.

What I wish I looked like, or at least, with this picrew.

Basically just longer hair, more ink, fangs, Not green eyes, horns and animal ears would be fun to try::]

No pressure tagging:

@godmodebeginswithlesbians @xamaxenta @autpunk-arsonist @bravaaado @ffcow @cheetahleopard @ragnarokhound @nightowl343

And anyone else who wants to do it!

starting a tag game cause i'm bored and i hate my notifications :D

WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IRL

WHAT U WANNA LOOK LIKE

picrew: here!

tagging @random-doctor-on-the-internet @cataperat @discoveredreality @ladykiller-yt and @midnights-dragon

[soldearestsoulmate]

https://www.tumblr.com/soldearestsoulmate/766529388403720192/wonder-how-many-dont-realize-just-how-fucked-up?source=share

I certainly do not, please elaborate

For science of course,no other reason at all

⚠️ Trigger warning for mention of rape ⚠️

Well it involves major spoilers, so I will try to not put too much details out on what occurs.

Read more added for anyone to better avoid this just in case.

But the warning for somnophilia in the game warnings, comes into major play here. Which is very nonconsensual (rape pretty much) from Sol with MC.

If you don't know what somnophilia means, here ya go:

It's honestly super fucked up what Sol did to MC, and this isn't the first time he's done something like this with/around MC as they are asleep fyi.

But this update really upped the level on just how intense the somnophilia is when it comes to him.

[darklinaforever]

I hope you're proud of yourself by driving my friend off-site and making her delete her blog. She has mental health issues and returned literally here to the Bridgerton fandom when the last part of Season 2 aired there because she was in a better place. FYI, she received a number of messages from presumably your friends including death threats, alleging she is crazy, deluded, a liar etc. They triggered a relapse and she ended up self harming. I contacted her brother who has taken her to hospital. She should be okay.

I don't really care about the logistics of what happened but reading between the lines we all know what you did. A six year old could see you copied that dumb post. 🤣 The difference is I don't let fandom drama affect me. Apparently you're unhinged and people should block you is the word going round. Which is what my friend should have done in the first place instead of relapsing and taking a razor to her arms. You want to make whackjob posts and steal other people's work, I don't care. You do you. Maybe you need psychological help too. Or maybe you're just a bastard chasing notes and attention for your posts and you don't care how you get it. I just sincerely hope you find a life beyond harassing people online to fill that empty void inside you.

Um... are you crazy ?

I didn't do anything to your "friend", at least if she really is, and if what you say is true.

She has not received any messages from my community that I am aware of and I certainly did not encourage such a thing to happen if that is the case.

Literally there was only one person who stood up for me from what I know, and she was in no way disrespectful.

And this after I said that I didn't copy paste his post. And that's the case. I have nothing to reproach myself.

She talk and I answer :

She talk and I answer :

She talk and @theweeklydiscourse answer :

She talk and I answer :

If what you say is true I am sorry, but I am not responsible for this situation.

I repeat, I did not plagiarize her post. I didn't encourage anyone to harass her and as far as I know, only one person politely defended me.

After a while you have to stop the bullshit.

[desolateice]

🥤

recommend an author or fanfic you love.

This is going to be a bit long, so I'm going to start with a note. If you have any recommendations of something you'd think I may like please shoot them my way. I'm afraid my general way of hearing about new fics has gotten a little rusty. 😅

I'm trying to figure out a good way to organize this. 🤔 I guess ship alphabetical order? 😂 Note this isn't a complete list. I'm sure I'll have missed many. (Tell me your favorites in the comments so I can go oh I forgot about that one or have a new thing to read, because I for sure need recommendations) Binary Bros

let's do the time warp again! by unsaid_eddie Rating: T Complete Time loop story where I learned that the lights you see when you close your eyes real tight are called: Phosphenes. I enjoy a good time loop and kinda want to write one eventually but there's just something so fun that unsaid_eddie did with like chaos and stress and how frustrating repeating the same mistakes over and over and being unable to figure things out can cause. Binary Bros and Cobra Husbands

The Dearest Things I Know series by bat_country Rating: T Complete (There are two multi-chapter fics in this series)

There was for a while this headcanon that Demetri was secretly Silver's child and bat_country created this series where Demetri truly was secretly Silver's child. But via Dynatox experimentation he's Silver's and Daniel's. It's got cobra husbands and binary bros and angst and Demetri bullying his biological dad's who trip over themselves to try and each fight for his affection. The sass levels are high and I love that for him. Lawrusso

Just Another Heart in Need of Rescue by astla_ever Rating: T Complete

Okay so Johnny get's a mixed tape in his locker, falls in love with it during like the worst time of his life, realizes who sent it (Daniel, duh this is Lawrusso) only to realize that Daniel hadn't meant it for him. Someone put it in the wrong locker. But omg the angst in this was so evil (affectionate) and delicious.

Stunting by GoldStarGrl Rating: M Complete Cheerleader AU. It's got a non-linear time line and lots of angst but also cheerleading au both boys are cheerleaders do I have to say more? Memories Never Fade by lostmagician Rating: E Complete Amnesia fic. Set in CK, Daniel gets amnesia and doesn't remember like anyone but Johnny and Johnny's keeping secrets from him. This one is like another very angsty one but also so good. I'm realizing I read a lot of angst. 😅 Polyam Doubt series by an-sceal Rating: mixed but general E as it deals with triggering content Complete (maybe, there's a lot of multi-chapter and oneshots within this series) You will need an account to read it Both Johnny and Daniel are survivors of SA (Terry Silver) and end up finding out about what happened to the other and who else it happened to and previous students who were abused by Silver. Amanda and Daniel have an open marriage and take Johnny in and then slowly add him into their relationship. Johnny also is in a relationship in some of them with Dutch. Content is super heavy just fyi.

There are more, I know there are more but I was going through my history and hit a bunch of "deleted" which kinda bummed me out, so I'm going to stop here rather than try and find all the ones I'm thinking of in case they too are gone. Like there was a mer-Johnny fic I enjoyed where he was an octopus mer-creature that was in-progress and an a/b/o in-progress I was also reading. So I'm going to swap over real quick to writers, like real fast top of my head. Again not a complete list and I'm know for sure I'm going to go oh no I forgot ____. (Maybe rec a few writers I didn't mention in the comments?) WickedJade, Phoomwoosh, ZappedbyZabka, SecretSecret, mostpeculiarmademoiselle

from this ask list

[randomactsofpigeon]

A Small Update

to whom it may concern or why i’ve fallen off the face of the earth

so most people who’ve followed this blog awhile know my husband and i are being treated for infertility. i had my second round of ivf in december, which was followed by a semi-rare complication called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. i wouldn’t wish either of these things on anyone. i was basically knocked on my ass the entire month.

then we found it out it had all been for nothing. both of the embryos we got out of the ivf round are abnormal. so that’s 3/3 abnormal embryos in total.

there’s a lot of reasons why this is the case. and some reasons we don’t know why. and some just plain rotten fucking luck. but long story short. we’re going to need a donor egg. even though the only thing wrong with me reproductively is an incompatibility with the ivf process, eggs are still the limiting reagent here.

and something about this has triggered all the stress i’ve been doing my level best to hold back over the past two years. yes, indeed, all the inability to cope over that time period has been the shit that leaked past my attempts to carry on. now i’m getting the full brunt of it.

fyi, people have done studies concluding that the stress associated with infertility is equivalent to the stress associated with cancer.  mentioning not for the sake of suffering olympics but to give other people some reference point for how intense and awful and life-altering living with this is.

anyway for the past 3-4 weeks since we found out i’ve had a rough time just...getting out of bed. feeding myself. showering. i have a combination of the world’s most understanding boss and a cushy as hell job or i’d be fired at this point. 

this has unfortunately coincided with a lot of people i consider friends being like, “we’re past the holidays now! let’s do stuffs!”

and i just...can’t

i really, really can’t

i can’t do anything right now but do my level best to take care of myself well enough to make it to better. all i can do right now is the bare minimum necessary to survive. (my husband is a saint, btw. probably the only reason i haven’t literally starved to death in my own filth this past month.)

i feel bad about all this, but i don’t feel guilty tbh. maybe i should. but i just don’t have the energy to hate myself for not being able to scrape together enough spoons to be a better friend or fake being more ok right now.

so this has been a psa to those wondering what on god’s green earth has happened to pigeon.

[jellymeduza]

Replies

@tammyhybrid21 asked:

Do you have any plans to make your Bigfoot family mod compatible with something like picknmix's age transition messages mod, It's unfortunately a requirement for their toddler memories mod, and I don't want to give up the bigfoot fam so was just wondering if there's any plans for compatibility or not.

Hi! I’m working on compatibility plug-ins!

@kitteninthewindow asked:

Ohhhh, I've got a curiosity! Do you think it would be possible to get rid of Ideal Plantsims all together and instead replace it with a random pollination system? As in production of a plantbaby will grab the DNA of a completely random plantsim in the neighborhood that's not an unplayable, similar in fashion to how plants sometimes pollinate in real life? I don't know enough about modding to know if this is achievable or not, so I was hoping someone with more expertise in that area could provide their input.

That’s an interesting thought. Yeah, it could be probably done. There are mods that look for specific kind of Sims, for example Cyjon’s Vampire Walkbys.

The problem is, growning plantbaby requires both Sim’s object ID and Sim’s neighbour ID. I know you can check entire neighbourhood looking for neighbour ID (Cyjon’s mod does that), but I don’t know whether it is possible to look for Sims by their object ID. You can easily get neighbour ID when you have object ID, but I don’t know if it works the other way around, I’ve never tried to.

All in all, if anyone knows how to deal with these issues and feels like taking kitteninthewindow’s suggestion, go ahead! :D

ETA: I figured out how to get Sim’s object ID from Sim’s neighbour ID: put NID into Stack Object, then use prim 2 and set it to Stack Object ID 0x0000 := Neighbor in stack object 0x0000 (person instance id). That way you’ll have Sim OID in Stack Object (you can also use locals instead of Stack Object). Just FYI in case anyone is interested.

lenarosic88 asked:

Out of curiosity,...do you intent/plan to make any new TRAIT based/related mod?

Hi!

I don’t have plans for new trait-based mod. In the fact, I rarely plan my mods ahead. I usually create on a whim. Most likely I will create sooner or later a mod that uses traits, because they really come in handy.

redshark11 asked:

Hi. I want to thank you for creating the Joker and Ivy mods. It's not everyday you get to have your favorite hero or villain's powers in the game lol. I have a question though. I don't know much about the personality trait mods. How do you trigger the Poison Ivy mods? Do I have to become a plant sim for this to work? Do I have to set the trait in create-a-family?

Hi!

The trait can be found in the buy mode in the general/misc category. Buy it and then put into Poison Ivy’s inventory. I’ve been considering making plantsimism as a trigger for Poison Ivy, but then I decided that I prefer separating these. You can always have a plantsim with Poison Ivy trait, after all.

I hope you’re going to enjoy these mods!

[diaryofasuperstar]

Here we go again

TW: ED

Hey there!

I don't even know where to start.

I am 20 yo and based in Paris and this is not my first time on tumblr. (I go by she/her)

I don't know if I have an ed, or if I'm just mentally unstable, but let me tell you, my eating and my mind feels pretty disordered to me.

I have been struggling for the past 7 years, with long lapses of time where I would force myself to feel good in my body, and find 101 excuses of why I will never truly look like I want and that I am beautiful the way I am, but also a lot of "relapses" where I would just stop existing for a while and starve myself.

I also have no idea what I actually look like lmao.

I have never been underweight and I have also never attained my ugw, which I think is the reason why I have never actually gotten better, and why I will keep coming back.

If I am here, you might have perspicaciouly understood that I relapsed again.

I am absolutely not here to encourage anyone to follow my bad habits nor to harm themselves. I just need a space where I can freely express my struggles without anyone close to me knowing.

I know that I will be posting some f up stuff but please understand that tumblr is literally the only safe space out there for us.

fyi I haven't weighed myself in a couple of years because it would trigger me too much, and I am still not aware of my weight. I am planning on weighing myself when my weightloss will be noticeable enough.

I convinced myself that I weigh somewhere between 75 and 85 kg (165lbs and 187lbs). I am 1,68m (around 5'6). My goal is to be in the 50s by the end of this year.

I know that I will probably fail again but like they say, qui ne tente rien n'a rien, so might as well try again. Worst case scenario I will hate myself a little more.

more fun facts about me: I am an absolute history nerd, really into politics and human rights issues and I am also bi.

[rosyviews]

so the past few weeks i’ve thought a lot about what my return to rpc dash is going to look like when it happens, and i think it’s going to revolve around changes in how/what i write. the main aspect being a heavy overhaul of my rules/banned topics… i’ve spent most of my 10ish years on the rpc writing things and initiating plots to either be more likeable by others (despite the fact that they’re things i’m not comfortable with writing), or to trigger myself with these caricatures of the antagonists from my own traumas. it is in no way, shape, or form the fault of anyone but myself that this has been the case… tbh i have been slowly distancing myself from the plots that meet this criteria, and unfortunately with it a few rp partners. i’ll probably make a better post about this when i do revamp everything, but this is just like a lil fyi as to why i’ve been strugglin to come back for the past few months <3 ily all sm

[aircommndr]

HEADCANONS 💥

Starscream's mental state | After the War/Windblade verses | cw mental health issues, ptsd issues

Ok, so. Starscream after the war has a number of mental issues and left over trauma which is to be expected. Just as an fyi, my Starscream has never been through therapy or anything, so most of what I'm about to go into is unfortunately left untreated, and some of it he's either in denial of (thinking he has nothing wrong with him) or just genuinely doesn't know he has. This causes a lot of problems for himself since he is often left confused about why he acts a certain way especially towards certain stimuli.

Starscream (much like I figure most transformers from the war would have) has PTSD. PTSD works in many ways, and isn't always just flashbacks, though he does get those (a good sign he is in one is if he has been zoned out for a period of time, sometimes he gasps or screams as he comes back out of it, but sometimes it's silent). His triggers are a bit more randomized, making it harder for him to avoid a meltdown. Often, just people raising their voice or running towards him is enough to either put him in high defense or have a flashback. Other effects from his PTSD include a very very severe case of Paranoia. Starscream was a paranoid individual prior to the war, but after it it became so present in his life that he can hardly live around it anymore. He is constantly on high alert, unsure how to relax himself fully. With the amount of time's hes died (yes, i play him as immortal but like he still feels every death he's gone through) he is very very scared of potential assassination attempts. He is painfully aware of his ever growing list of enemies. He will not drink from a glass he hasn't poured himself, for fear of poison. If he is given a gift, he will not open or accept it unless he can fully see what the item is- wrapped gifts could be bombs, for all he knows. Even if it is translucent, he often won't accept anyways, trying to figure out what the hidden motive behind it is.

Starscream also deals with psychosis. I headcanon he has always had psychosis, but the war triggered it out and worsened it. For him, his psychosis causes a lot of hallucinations for starscream, which he tries very hard to ignore best he can. He has never mentioned it to ANYONE, for fear that people will just disregard him or deem him "insane" and not respect him. His hallucinations are often audio-based, but sometimes are also physical (similar to whatever tf was happening with bumblebee ghost thing). Most of his audio based ones include: hearing people call his name (sometimes voices he recognizes, sometimes not), hearing gunshots or other weaponry noises, hearing screaming or crying but not sure where from, hearing music or conversations from old memories as if someone is right there. Sometimes when hes alone, starscream will allow himself to reply to the hallucinations, visual or audio. If you ever catch him doing so, he will just deny it.

Between unchecked paranoia and hallucinations which makes it hard for him to even trust his own eyes and ears, his trust issues are off the charts. He already has a hard time trusting people due to the nature of war and once again his less than sterling "friend" making skills- but when you cant even trust yourself how do you begin to trust ANYONE else?

[mystictarotcafe]

COD 10.31.2024

New Deck, chatty as hell, (I'm a collector in case you haven't noticed) called Stained Glass Tarot, no creator listed, Chinese and cheaply made deck with beautiful picks. FYI there is no instruction book and symbolism is iffy so you need to know your tarot.

**If you are starting out and want a cheap deck Temu may be a place to look. I also go to local shops and other online sites but Temu sells unauthorized decks cheap. Might be a way to see if Tarot is for you. I'm not endorsing Temu. Again...I'm not endorsing the site called TEMU. Use at your own risk and at your own decision.

Deck: Stained Glass Tarot

Query: A lot is going on in my mind. Please be honest and tell me what I need to know or hear.

Jumpers in order:

Two of swords: Uncertainty, indecision, avoidance, and reluctance. There is something the fool is avoiding, but knows they need to deal with. They know this but are hesitating and not sure which is the right path. Should they or shouldn't they? Research, talking it over with someone the fool trusts, using instincts and looking within will help the fool find their way.

Ten of cups: Family, home, fulfillment, emotional security. The fool is craving these things and is about to find them on their journey. Home is a place of comfort, but it's not always the place we reside. Home is inclusive of things like comfort, safety, emotional security, acceptance, and peace. Maybe it means being among nature, a social setting that's a familiar hangout with people who accept the fool without judgement, or it may be a kitchen, house, or porch. This is unique to every fool and their journey. Today, will be full of comfort, acceptance, and safety.

Back to front in deck: Four of pentacles; fear of risk, conservatism, ownership, accumulation, stability. This card brings confusion to some and clarification to others. While fearing risk the fool desires stability. Hoarding or holding on to items or thoughts may be one way to feel stability. Though the fool needs to find a way to face the risks in life and find other alternatives. Buying, gathering, keeping, items can make one feel safe from scarcity, but these are just temporary fixes that will never bring what the fool yearns for. Find what you are scared of, look inside and see what you can do to take control of the situation. Abundance does not mean security or happiness so look for other options.

COD: 6 of pentacles: Gifts, generosity, support, charity. This card tells the Fool to look at how giving and receiving affect them. Have they found that during a time of need it only takes one person to help them. Or have they noticed that giving to those in need is appreciated and can help someone who is truly having a rough time. Give and take can be in the forms of emotional support, money, physical items like food or clothing, and more. Receiving can make the fool feel useless and shamed. They feel they shouldn't ask or need help from anyone. If this is true then they need to find out what lays at the root of this way of thinking and work at reversing them. Asking for help when really needed is a sign of personal strength and awareness. Nothing to be ashamed of. If the Fool is giving then they need to establish boundaries. Not all who seek help actually need as much as they ask for. Boundaries and limits can trigger a feeling of balance for the Fool.

My take for me... (Deck was chatty today)

To sum up the entirety of the cards in this reading...I need to get my head on straight and my shit together. I've never hid my battle with health issues and I have decisions to make regarding them which I'm avoiding and need to face. Instead of taking on all the responsibility I'll talk to my PCP and see what she thinks.

I've not felt like I'm "home" for a while and not sure if it's med changes or what but I want that feeling back. So, I need to take control and find out what it is that makes me feel safe, comfortable, happy, and accepted. Doing work inside the house, working on my room which is my sanctuary, caused an imbalance in my comfort zone. I don't like chaos in my surroundings so I'm going to have to push myself a bit, not overdo it like when involved in the redecorating project, to organize and bring order to my surroundings.

This card 4oP is me in a nutshell to a point. This can be seen in all the metaphysical stuff I have around me. Do I need all of these items? No, but I like them, connect with them, and they bring me comfort. I tend to overspend at the holidays which ties the 6oP into this portion. I need to find balance and an alternative to gathering things around me. I, actually, prefer a somewhat minimalist surrounding. Neat, organized, limited meaningful items, and lack of clutter...this is what I prefer and am trying to find a way to obtain. There must be a way to do updates (painting, replacing fixtures, taking back yard, etc.) around the place without making a huge mess in the meantime. Trying to find that balance of dealing with disorder and the giving/taking is important to tying the 4 cards together.

Enjoy your spooky holiday,

MV

[setsumushou]

Why are you so self hating? You do realize your reaction to things that trigger you is perfectly valid? You're allowed to be upset by things, even fictional, because that's how the brain works. It holds onto trauma and hurt and tries to protect itself and you.

I've come to realize that I would rather have been brave, sucked it up, and engaged in "sexual predator!Mav" content than never again be able to engage meaningfully in the only thing I still have a lot of passion for, if you know what I mean? The Roosmav fandom was not one for the weak of heart, and I admit that I had been one weak of heart. I just didn't know at the time that we would be going from AortaArgent's "Seventy Minutes" to [insert 14-year old fucking]. Again, I just didn't have to interact with it, but I was stupid as hell for having to say anything about it, and I can see how that was construed as anti behavior.

(FYI, I did not know anything about "proship discourse" before the Roosmav fandom. I genuinely did not believe it would be controversial to ship Roosmav - I just saw two attractive men that I wanted to see bang, and I was very confused that anyone had any opposition to that concept.)

I don't mind any of the stuff that had once triggered me now - like I've said, it's just funny to me that it's such a popular take because it was just personally something that never would have occurred to me. But I get that a lot of people in the Roosmav fandom are from, hmmm...the Stranger Things fandom? (I have never watched that show, myself.) So they impart a lot of the dynamics they've been used to to this, and it isn't a big deal for them. I was an innocent cowardly baby, and I was in it for the military propaganda and two hunky men fucking ngl, lol. I've always been open about the fact that I am a simpleton.

Thank you for the message!!! This has been one of the maybe three pieces of interaction I've gotten outside of a very condensed group of friends this year, and I appreciate it! (Unless you are one of those friends...and in that case, thank you for the message, still!) <3

[aggold15hi01]

Life update-24th February 2023 (Updated and edited on 27th February 2023) [Part 2]

Author's note: This life update is entirely based on the writer's own personal point of views in life plus the views in this post here are entirely reflected based on the writer's own personal experience in real life.

Trigger warning: Mentions of abuse and depression

My personal blog: https://realpaulaleah4everwrites05.blogspot.com/

My Twitter: https://twitter.com/Goallisha

Part 1: https://aggold15hi01.tumblr.com/post/710375084394708992/life-update-24th-february-2023-updated-and-edited

Plus speaking of verbal abuse; you know I have been through an intense amount of countless emotional abuse as I didn't feel way too good about the emotional abuse that I have to very much go through in my very own life additionally I just don't feel truthfully okay at all as you know I have been through an intense amount of an endless amount of emotional abuse throughout my whole life plus at first I may not truthfully pay too much attention to the whole experience of verbal abuse at first when I was younger but now as I got authentically older; I do know that any forms of abuse does seems to be authentically/ truthfully/ truly and greatly/ intensely inexcusably dangerous/ perilous/ hazardous yet they are truthfully nasty and awful as they do felt mentally traumatizing for  anyone and yet they are authentically (And completely) unacceptable in any different types of forms to be honest FYI.

Sorry, it is just that I am feeling truthfully upset additionally it is just so hard for me to realistically be happy and upbeat yet having to be so positive all the time as already this is the personal reason why I am very seldom at Pinterest most of the time in general because of their "Toxic positivity" type of energy and this is the reason why I sometimes I don't truthfully like Pinterest at all.

Additionally let's just say that I am feeling deeply and genuinely upset at the two people who are greatly responsible for both the yelling towards me but also intensely and equally responsible for having to make a verbal threat on both taking away the technology devices that I have with me and having to smash all of it with the full-force of their energy into trillions of tiny pieces of fragments plus having to throw all of the remains of the tiny fragments into the trash plus already: I am deeply feeling traumatized by what they had spoke to me and if they did truly; I am going to cut all ties with them and having to save all of the money which means no more takeaways; no more buying books and no more living in a permanent home as I am sleeping from one place to another as a homeless person whilst having to be on the run authentically.

Also; let's just say I am feeling a lot more upset these days more so than you realistically/ actually think.

Plus if you ever do get abused in either one of the methods of the abuse; two or more; in the words of the late *Michael Jackson on one of his famous song "You are not alone": I am going to truthfully share this again just in case if you are not feeling authentically okay to be honest:

"That you are not alone:

I am here with you;

Though you're far away,

I'm here to stay:

But you are not alone,

I am here with you:

Though you're far apart,

You're always in my heart;

You are not alone"

(*Note of disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the song as I give credits to the people (including the late Michael Jackson himself) who did worked on their magic behind the scene to create this magical piece of creation whilst having to enjoy this song universally and equally.)

As you can tell; I did feel authentically sorry for the people who did have to truthfully suffer in the hands of the people who is truly and deeply responsible not only for the way that they did abuse them (Not just emotionally but in any different types of forms FYI--including both physical and ****** abuse as well.) except to also simply force them to have a relationship with them when there isn't a genuine chemistry/ attraction between the both of them/ both parties.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[lazybug16]

Books I read/reread in the last 3 months of 2022 and recommend (and yes, all apart from two are queer)

Also recommend to check for trigger warnings just in case, this website for books is the one I use, or you can ask!

Act Your Age, Eve Brown by Talia Hibbert

Eve Brown is 26 and still hasn't found her passion, so after an argument with her parents she drives off and finds a cute B&B that is hiring a cook, so she takes her chance, not expecting to find out new things about herself along the way

I read this book because there are autistic characters in it and I felt so fucking seen when reading this book (especially by Eve), very very good book and the dialogue is AMAZING, you will definetly laugh! Also just fyi two very explicit scenes and very graphic (all consensual and lovey dovey) but wanted to say it just in case because they use more explicit language than what I'm used to lol 9/10

All That's Left in the World by Erik J. brown

Almost a year after a flu pandemic two boys find each other and help one another on their journey to find help, and feelings might start up on the way to their destination

Started reading it because I love The Last of Us and knew this was going to be sort of that style and I ABSOLUTELY LOVED it, I couldn't put it down like... I have no words... wow, one of the best stories I've read! Jamie and Andrew my beloved 10/10

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Two 15 year old boys meet in the summer of 1987 in El Paso, Texas, at the swimming pool where Dante teaches Aristotle how to swim, which marks the start of their friendship and adventures together, and maybe more...

An absolute delight to read and these two boys are just adorable (their parents are also super nice), very easy to read and keeps you wanting to know more about the story 9/10

Aristotle and Dante Dive into the Waters of the World by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Continues right where the previous story ends, we see how Ari and Dante's relationship moves forward while also touching the topic about the AIDS epidemic, internalised homophobia, family and friendship

I really liked the sequel, you get to delve deeper into Aristotle and the people around him, and the ending was just as beautiful as the first one, Aristotle and Dante must be protected at all costs 9/10

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire

Some children find a door/portal to another world which they eventually consider home, but they eventually end up back in the real world again. It might have felt like years since they left, but it's only been days for their parents/siblings who were in the real world waiting for their return, so they send them to a special school to get better (and also meet others like them who have been through the same experience)

Fantasy and mystery book (a bit of gore too because of murder), very very interesting and fast read, and if anyone deadnames Kade I will deck them 9/10

Heartstopper (volume 1-4) by Alice Oseman

A graphic novel showing the journey of young lgbtq+ teenagers showing their life through high school in the UK, the main characters are Nick and Charlie and we see them grow and fall in love

Just an amazingly adorable lgbtq+ story and beautiful illustrations, you will fall in love with the characters instantly, definetly recommend, especially for someone who might not be a "book" person since it's like a comic/graphic novel 10/10

Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawkins

An American girl goes to a school in Scottland for her final year in high school and gets to be roommates with a princess, what could possibly happen...

The slowest of slow-burns, enemies to friends to lovers, and roommates, what more could you ask for? Sort of a mix between Red, White and Royal Blue and Young Royals but wlw. Also Perry my chaotic beloved 7/10

I Was Born for This by Alice Oseman

Angel is a massive fan of the boy band The Ark and meets up with an internet friend to meet them and go to their concert, all the while we also see how Jimmy and his other two band mates cope with fame and fangirls

You think famous people are perfect? You put them on a pedestal? Feel possessive? Ship them together? Then read this book to learn the reality of it all and maybe you can grow tf up 8/10

Lost Christmas by David Logan

A child called Goose lives with his nan in Manchester and does petty thefts for a bit of cash, alongside his dog Mutt, but what he doesn't know is that stealing a certain jewellery will be the first domino to unravel certain events that might just change his life, and possibly a second chance

This book will break your heart and mend it in the most marvelous way, you can connect with every single main character in one way or another, the story is fascinating and the twist is just so unexpected, one of my favourite books that I read as a kid and reread now 9/10

Loveless by Alice Oseman

Georgia and her two best friends just finished high school and are going to the same university, but things start to unravel when Georgia thinks that she has wasted her teens by not having her first kiss yet at the ripe age of eighteen, but soon finds out why she has never had a crush (and wonders why society is so obsessed with sex and love)

I am Georgia and Georgia is me, I felt so seen in this book and I could understand almost all of the main characters thought process and struggles, thank you Alice for writing this book, it means the world to me 9/10

Nick & Charlie novella by Alice Oseman

Takes place about a year after the 4th volume of Heartstopper, Nick is a few months away from going to university and Charlie is worried that a long distance relationship might not be the best idea... But of course, they are Nick and Charlie, so not even that can stop them

Very quick read, angsty and spicy at the same time lol 9/10

Our Favorite Songs by Anita Kelly

Aiden and Kai haven't seen each other since high school five years ago, and running into each other in a queer karaoke bar might be just what they needed to reconnect and get to know each other

If you liked Alex and Henry from RWRB then you will love this, it's fluffy, smutty and angsty and it's just an amazing story, very fast read too and it will get you hooked from the very beginning 10/10

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Takes place about a year or two after Solitaire, following the life of Frances Janvier and Aled Last. They need to start thinking about their future and university options, but before anything is decided, a YouTube podcast called Universe City might be the answer they needed

Oof okay, this was darker than I thought it was going to be, had to take a few breaks because of intense scenes and personal trigger warnings, that's why I lowered the rating by a point, but just like any other Alice's books, very well written 8/10

Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

FSOTUS Alex and Prince of Wales Henry have to pretend to be friends, and in doing so actually become friends, and something more (shenanigans ensue)

One of my favourite books EVER! (If not my favourite book that I've read so far) Amazing characters, amazing writing and you feel the emotions so deeply, and Alex is a little shit (affectionate) throughout all of it 10/10

Solitaire by Alice Oseman

Takes place in the universe of Heartstopper (around volume 3-4), but this time the protagonist is Victoria "Tori" Spring, Charlie's sister. We get to see her life at school and at home, and how a blog named "Solitaire" changes everything

Much darker that Heartstopper but still an amazing story, you really just want to give Tori a hug 9/10

They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera

People recieve a phone call on the day they are going to die to inform them of the tragic news, two boys in their late teens recieve the call and spend the last day together, forming an unlikely friendship and something more

I'm so much like Mateo it's INSANE, also very interesting how some of the characters were connected with one another, very interesting concept and part four was my favourite, but also get your tissues ready because you will CRY 8/10

This Winter by Alice Oseman

Takes place about 1-2 weeks before Solitaire, during Christmas day. Written in Tori, Charlie and Oliver's POV

Very quick read, and you get to know the extended Spring family a bit more, also Nick's family a bit 9/10

Volverán a por mí by Josan Hatero & Use Lahoz

"Disobedient" teenagers are sent to an academy in scotland over the summer so that they learn how to be good and disciplined, meanwhile three strangers become friends and find out what really happens in that grey mansion and try to escape

This book is in spanish, I read it for the first time when I was in high school (like 10 years ago when it first came out lol) and instantly fell in love with it, it has the same vibes as Every Heart a Doorway but more dramatic, very cool and easy to read 9/10

Queer rep:

Act Your Age, Eve Brown (pansexual character)

All That's Left in the World (gay and bisexual characters)

Aristotle and Dante (gay characters)

Every Heart a Doorway (asexual and transgender characters)

Heartstopper (gay, bisexual, lesbian and transgender characters)

Her Royal Highness (bisexual and lesbian characters)

I Was Born for This (transgender, gay and bisexual characters)

Loveless (asexual, aromantic, gay, lesbian, pansexual and non binary characters)

Nick and Charlie (bisexual and gay characters)

Our Favorite Songs (bisexual, queer and non binary characters)

Radio Silence (bisexual, gay, demisexual and agender characters)

Red, White and Royal Blue (gay, bisexual, pansexual and transgender characters)

Solitaire (bisexual and gay characters)

They Both Die at The End (gay and bisexual characters)

This Winter (bisexual and gay characters)

[npcdeath]

fyi to yall in quarantine whos grasp on reality is getting a little slippery: isolation, intense boredom, stress and lack of positive routine are absolutely contributing factors to exacerbating psychosis and psychosis-adjacent disorders, even latent ones. im not saying this to fearmonger im saying it so u can recognise it and take steps to handle it especially if it induces your first ever episode.

some warning signs can include

starting to believe unusual things that you previously did not believe (e.g. living in a simulation / you or others around you not being real / secretly being in hell or dead / otherworldly beings communicating with you somehow / government conspiracies / everyone around you is out to get you and harboring ill intent)

seeing things youre pretty sure arent there (e.g. shadow people, floating lights, stationary objects moving on their own, animals in a house that doesnt have pets)

hearing things (e.g. murmured voices, occasional clear and loud voices, faint music, scratching sounds, any without a source)

feeling a sense of dread or generalised paranoia, a sense that you are being watched or that something terrible is looming on the horizon but you dont know what

having extra trouble putting your thoughts in order and speaking coherently, cannot concentrate, space out to the point of feeling slightly catatonic

those most at risk are anyone with a family history of this vein of mental illness as well as those using certain drugs to get through the tedium of quarantine - if this is you, its best to research whether the substances youre using have documented links to triggering episodes of psychosis in users. weed is included in this, not just psychoactive drugs.

here are some steps you can take to get a handle on the situation if your grasp on reality is slipping like this and you cant access irl mental health resources.

have a routine. this is vitally important - you need structure. set an alarm for a specific time every day, even though you have nowhere to be. give yourself a bedtime. eat 2 meals a day, at least, at regular times.

leave the house. no, i dont mean Go Out, just be outside for a while every day or two. go for a walk if you can. stand outside your house for 15 minutes paying attention to the cars and the birds and the breeze and the clouds if you cant. really observe your surroundings. get sunlight.

on that note - let as much natural light into your house as possible during waking hours. your circadian rhythm needs it.

take up some form of hobby that requires physical engagement - whether thats journaling, drawing, making origami, gardening, cooking. the point of this is to ground yourself in your body and the world around you, have an affect on your surroundings, and stimulate your brain.

dont dwell on your delusions, hallucinations or distressing trains of thought if you can help it. that isnt to say "snap out of it and just dont have symptoms", but rather accept them without either judging them or overindulging in them. observe them as they happen, accept that they happen, and let it go, if you can. you may not be able to control the experiences, but you can control how you react to them, and the best case scenario is not allowing them to overwhelm your thoughts and your days. this is much easier said than done, especially if the experiences are distressing in nature, but the aim is to sever the feedback loop that causes further stress and thus further bad extrasensory experiences.

this is honestly just a basic surface scratch of advice though bc im by no means an expert, just someone w latent psychosis who used to work in the field for a while. there are tons of resources online by others who have experienced psychosis that can be a huge help if u think you might be at risk due to the stress, boredom and uncertainty of quarantine

[make-me-imagine]

Prompts: “Why are you staring at me?” “Because I think you’re beautiful.” and "Fingertips brushing hair from your face" Requested by: @russianbutchcrushing

Pairing: Cain x Gen!Neutral Reader

Triggers: Brief mentions of blood/injuries (not graphic)

Words: 2.7k

General Taglist: @criminaly-supernatural, @caswinchester2000 Supernatural Taglist: @kaashi

*This is a total au insert from the show and does not really take place in any episode that actually happened. Because I haven't seen season 10, (Though I do know roughly what happens; I'm ignoring it lol) **I also don't know if he has the power of healing, so lets just go with it lol. ***This is my first time writing for Cain, just an fyi,

-

After what you had heard about Cain from Dean, the last thing you expected was for him to show up at the bunker. But apparently that was exactly what happened according to Sam, who you just talked to on the phone.

You felt anxiety growing in your chest as you continued to head back to the bunker. Wondering what the Father of Murder was really like. From what Dean had said, he was soft spoken, but clearly powerful and could kill you in a second if he wanted.

The last anyone had heard from him was that after he killed all of Abaddon's demons at his home, he disappeared. You thought you wouldn't hear from him again until he called for Dean to use the blade on him. But the blade had not been found yet, so you weren't sure what he could possibly want.

After getting to the bunker, you entered slowly. You saw Sam and Dean leaning against the wall, Castiel standing on the other side of the room, and in the center was a tall man, somewhat long graying hair, whose eyes landed on you as you entered.

You could tell the air was thick with intensity and discomfort. Walking down the steps, you met his eyes briefly before looking over at the others. As you got to the ground floor and walked towards Sam and Dean, Dean cleared his throat "Cain, this is Y/n. Y/n, Cain."

You stopped and turned to the man, who was still staring at you. He seemed to be studying you quite closely as you took a step closer.

Your heart was pounding as you reached out your hand, he looked to your hand briefly and he seemed almost amused as he reached out as well. Shaking your hand "Pleasure to meet you, Y/n" He said your name slowly, making chills rise up your neck.

"And you. I've heard quite a lot." After pausing for a moment and sharing a glance with Sam and Dean you looked back at Cain "To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?"

Cain looked around the bunker for a few moments before sitting down in one of the chairs at the table "I got tired of wandering. And figured since Dean here, along with Crowley, robbed me of my home when he brought demons down on me, that the least he could do is offer me a place to stay for a while." He spoke with a casual tone but a hint of annoyance was under the surface.

"That seems fair to me." You blurted out, as Sam, Cass and Dean looked at you like you were crazy. You shrugged at them "It's better than him having come here to kill us all." You spoke honestly, but were surprised when you heard Cain chuckle.

You looked over at him to see him staring intently at you again, with a smile "I like you." He commented, and you felt yet another chill crawl up your spine, though, what you felt was not fear.

- - - - -

It had been a few days since Cain was in the bunker. You had gone in and out, and mostly stayed out of his way as you worked on a local case. He explored the bunker, reading and looked through the documents of the Men of Letters. And anytime you were in the same room, he would watch you closely. You were never sure how to act around him, so you tended to avoid him, occasionally giving him polite smile and small talk before you fled the room.

"I can't believe you are leaving me alone in the bunker with him!" You said with frustration into your phone as you pulled up to the bunker.

"It'll only be for a couple of days relax, just finish up your case and when you are at the bunker, hang out in your room, avoid him." Sam said, though you could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

You scoffed into the phone "Yeah, right, then I'll feel rude for purposefully avoiding him." You complained as you got out of your car and entered into the bunker. You looked around, and as you didn't see him, you felt a small sense of relief "I still don't forgive you for stealing my case either, I should be there too."

You could hear Sam let out a chuckle "You know it's not serious enough to require more than two people, and you were already on a case sooo."

"Soo, you stole it. So you better not screw it up. And! You better bring me back something from that bakery I told you about, since I don't get to go."

"Alright, alight, I will." Sam said amused on the other side "Bye."

"Bye." You said as you hung up. Throwing your bag on the table, you turned around, jumping back as you saw Cain standing behind you "Shit." You whispered out, as you tried to catch your breath.

Cain smiled lightly "I apologize for startling you."

You let out a breath as you straightened up "That's okay, it's fine." You could feel your awkwardness, so you turned and headed for the kitchen. Aware that he was still watching you. "Do you want some water while I'm getting some?" You called out, trying to be civil between your awkwardness.

"No, thank you." He replied as he entered into the kitchen "What was that I heard about Sam and Dean stealing something?"

You turned around and saw him watching you curiously "Uh, my case. I found a case a few towns over that I was going to take, but they went instead."

"Ah." He exclaimed quietly "A peculiar job, being a hunter. Always thought it was quite noble, yet also..." he trailed off.

"Stupid. Reckless. Crazy?" You filled in.

He smiled at you and nodded "Yes, more or less."

You smiled in amusement "Believe me, most of us are aware." You walked past him and headed back towards the dining room, as Cain followed not far behind.

"What was it that made you a hunter Y/n?" he asked curiously.

You paused and set down your water, thinking for a moment before you turned back towards him "The same thing that makes most people into hunters." He tilted his head slightly in silent wonder, you continued "We lose someone we love and we don't stop until we find out what did it. And then we learn that the monsters under our bed, and in our closets, are real. And our need for revenge turns into curiosity, and then once we get a taste of saving someone from the same fate, we can't stop."

Cain stared at you as you spoke, seeing the courage, pain and determination behind your eyes and in your words. He felt a familiar fondness growing that he thought he would never feel again. "You do it because it feels good to save people?"

"I do it because-" you paused for a moment before meeting his eyes "I do it because I know how much worse it feels doing nothing, to save people."

You and Cain kept eye contact for a moment before you looked away and cleared your throat "I'm going to make some food." You walked past him before turning back "Do you-" You hesitated "...Eat?"

He chuckled as he turned to meet you "Yes. I eat."

As you made a simple pasta dish, your every move was watched by Cain. You felt insecure and see-through at the same time. And as you ate, and made small talk with the Father of Murder, his eyes never seemed to leave your face. You tried to ignore it, but it started to weigh on you.

After putting the dishes away, you glanced at Cain, who was now flipping through your case file, that you had shown him after he asked about your most recent hunt.

"Quite interesting this." He said, as you walked back over "I would not have connected these unusual accidents to a supernatural being."

"Yeah, well, once you've seen it enough times, it's hard not too make the connection." You commented as you looked through your notebook.

Feeling a pair of eyes burning into you again, you looked up, meeting his blue eyes as he stared intently at you. And your curiosity finally won out "Why are you staring at me?"

You saw his lips twitch into an almost smile "Because I think you're beautiful." You felt as though your mouth froze shut as you were speechless. He continued "Does that surprise you?"

You managed to open your mouth and stutter out "W-well, yes. I- You've been staring at me constantly, but I, didn't know why, that's not the real reason, is it?." You seemed to refuse the idea and he chuckled.

"I was not aware it was so obvious, I apologize. But I assure you, I am no liar." He stared into your eyes as he smiled lightly at you.

You felt a slight panic flow through you as you were unsure of what to say or do. And as your phone rang, you quickly grabbed it, answering it and walking away, aware that Cain watched as you went. But not aware of the amused grin on his face as you did so.

- - - - -

After your phone call, you stayed cooped up in your room, afraid to face Cain. You hated that you were surely being rude, but you were too afraid to face him again. The Father of Murder, the most powerful and dangerous man you've met since Lucifer, called you beautiful. Granted, you thought him very attractive as well, but to think he thought it back was astounding.

Early the next morning, after a very restless night's sleep, you snuck out of the bunker to finish your case. You finally got a lead on who it was you were hunting. A ghost desperate for revenge on those who had betrayed her.

And of course, like many cases go, you got hurt while finishing the job. The ghost had found you at her old house, burned to the ground, where you needed to find what was keeping her here. An old locket her parents buried on the property.

She had thrown you around, and nearly decapitated you with a pane of falling glass But, you managed to put her to rest. And as you painfully walked back into the bunker, you had forgotten about Cains presence all together until you spotted him as you entered.

Cain turned to look at you from his seat, and his eyes immediately noticed your disheveled appearance. The blood on your hands, the cut along your face, and the dirty clothes you donned, as well as the clear discomfort in your walk.

As he met your eyes, you hesitated for a second "Hello." You said awkwardly before heading towards your room.

Cain stood up "Wait." You paused and turned back to him "What happened to you?" He asked with concern that caught both of you off guard.

"Ghost." You answered quickly. "Uh, my case. I finished it, but not before I had a run in with her."

Cain stopped right in front of you as he looked down at your appearance, your hand gripped your side, meaning you must have hurt something internally, your ribs most likely. He felt his gut clench in an unfamiliar way as he seemed to feel a protective anger take over.

You stood still as you watched him slowly bring his hand up towards your face. Your breath seemed to hitch in your throat as he gingerly moved a strand of hair away from your face. His fingertips brushing ever so gently across your face as he tucked your hair behind your ear.

You met his eyes as he paused for a moment, before he gently touched your face, just beside your lips, where a cut was. You felt a small pulse as the cut healed under his touch.

"You don't have to do that." You said quietly as he began to reach for your bloodied hand.

Taking your hand in his, he held it in between both of his hands as he met your eyes "No, I don't. But I want too." He said simply as he healed your hand as well. His eyes flicked to your waist, still being held by your other arm. "Let me." He said simply as he grabbed your arm, pulling it away from your stomach.

You felt your heart racing as he gently rested his hand against your stomach. You felt the pain in your side disappear as he healed you again.

You shyly met his eyes and he smiled at you "It's the least I can do for the pleasant company you've provided."

Feeling a small wave of guilt pass through you, you gave him a shy smile "Including running away from you?"

He smiled lightly at you, knowing you were talking of he previous night when you left for a phone call, and never came back. "I did not blame you for fleeing Y/n. I could tell I caught you off guard with my comments. I apologize for making you uncomfortable."

"You didn't make me uncomfortable." You responded quickly "I just...wasn't expecting it, I guess. And I panicked."

He took a few steps away from you, turning away "You are afraid of me." He said, with obvious disappointment in his voice.

"What? No, I'm not afraid of you." You said with confusion.

He turned back to you with confusion lacing his own face "Why not?"

You let out a soft, yet sad chuckle "Do you want me to be afraid of you?"

"I do not want you to be. But you should be. I am the 'father of murder', the first murderer, the most dangerous demon in existence." He spoke with disdain in his voice as he ridiculed his own reputation.

"And I've met Lucifer himself." You spoke bluntly, as he turned to you with a look of mild surprise. "He killed my friends, tried to kill me more than once. I was afraid of him at first, but that fear turned to hatred. And You. You've never hurt me. You've even helped my friends. You've given me no reason to be afraid of you. So I'm not."

Cain stared at you with mild surprise before he felt a strong urge he hadn't felt in such a long time took over as he stared into your eyes. You stared at him with nothing but a familiar and kind gaze. No fear or apprehension, just kindness and acceptance.

Walking quickly towards you, he grabbed your face as he pulled you into a kiss, catching you off guard. Your hands raised, as you set them against his chest. Feeling yourself give in to the kiss, your hands slowly grabbed onto his shirt as he pulled you closer to him.

Pulling away from you, your eyes fluttered open and met his bright blue ones. "I apologize" he spoke in a soft whisper "I don't know what came over me. You just...you make me feel something I have not felt in a long time. Something I thought I would never feel again." He brought his hand up and gently pressed it against your cheek "I missed it."

You spoke quietly, still shocked from what had just happened, your hand still rested gently on his chest "It's alright. Though...I'm not really sure what to do now."

Cain smiled lightly, amused as he brought his hand up and grazed it along your face again as he seemed to admire your features before meeting your eyes again "That's alright. I do."

You watched him as he smiled before slowly leaning in again, and pressing his lips softly to your, hesitantly this time, and much gentler than before. As though, this time, he was asking.

For a moment your thoughts became crazed with what was really happening. And you couldn't help but wonder what Sam, Dean and Cass would do if they found out. Or surely, when, they found out. But when Cains arm gently wrapped around you, you felt those thoughts disappear, as you leaned into the gentle kiss, deepening it. Your mind was blank as you gave in to Cain's embrace.

xx End xx

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