#just for the sake of maybe being able to have a somewhat pain free day once in a while if lucky

[nabaath-areng]

Right now is the first time since we did the last things with mormors apartment that I'm sort of starting to get physically restored. Which means it's taken me 5 days to recover from what should be easy to do but no I have to be cursed health wise. Yesterday I went 24 hours without eating because I spent most of that time in bed unable to move a single muscle. Didn't drink that much either but at least I had very brief bursts of energy that was enough for me to carry a glass of water without dropping it. Trying to cook some sort of proper food now despite barely being able to hold the pans (drained what little energy I had to do dishes). I feel like everyday is just spent anxiously wallowing in how I'm likely never going to get better than this, that I'll require even more outside support than I already do, and that I won't be able to properly support my parents when they reach the age of needing it.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #179

I tried to play Dead Cells again today. And once again, it didn't work out. My attention felt pulled in several different directions, for the sake of trying to tend the people around me; J was reeling from his first overnight at Br's house (changes in routine are hard for him), and there was a friend on the internet who was having a hard time what needed tending, and then there were feelings of being disconnected from me that some folks around me were contending with. Lots of stuff happening at once.

Well. That's okay. It happens like this sometimes. It's the way of things. So we tend the things as best we can. I tended myself with a tea. Today's was an Earl Grey, which is a black tea with bergamot oil. Bergamot is just a fancy kind of orange, I guess. It was really good. I used the last of the orange simple syrup to flavor it; it really was a stellar combination, and I wish I could have given you some to try. But I suppose I'll just have to settle for showing you today's swirls:

J wanted pizza after he returned home from Br's house. So we got pizza. It was just delivery, so it didn't feel like anything earth-shattering to take a picture of for you. But it was pretty good. Pretty good…

I did a lot of leisure writing today. It's usually the thing I default to when I feel like I need to feel somewhat alert to my surroundings. If I play a game, it's a bit too easy for my current reality to fall away such that I fail to notice the things in my immediate vicinity (up to and including my own body cues like hunger and thirst and all that...), and I can't afford for that to happen when there are folks who are in need of my time and attention.

Maybe tomorrow.

Today feels like one of those days in which you wake up and then you blink and suddenly it's 8PM. Time blindness is definitely something I struggle with on a regular basis; it's hard to get anything done when your concept of how time is moving varies from lightning fast to a total standstill and anything in between on a whim. I still haven't figured out a pattern to it. And sometimes it's endlessly frustrating to me that I can't simply zip forward or backwards in time short distances, like for example to do a day over again if I don't feel like I did all the things I wanted to do.

I wonder if you have days like this. This "linear time" stuff, man… I'm not really sure I'll ever get used to it.

Towards the end of Br's visit, we went out for ice cream at a local place that makes homemade ice cream from scratch. We thought that if it's homemade, then surely, Br will be able to eat there. But sadly, somehow their ice cream is not gluten-free (probably as a result of cross-contamination with the pie-flavored ones...), so Br got the soft-serve, which was gluten-free. And that's good.

They have weird flavors like "summer berries" and "banana cream pie" and "s'mores". I tried these ones today. But I have mixed feelings about ice cream; on the one hand, it's very delicious. But on the other hand, I've got a weird body glitch, likely from the autism, that causes my nerves to confuse the sensation of cold for intense physical pain; it takes a damn good ice cream for it to be worth withstanding the cold for.

Hey, Sephiroth? Do you like ice cream? And if you do, which flavors do you like best?

On the way to the place, I got a picture of today's sunset. It wasn't as spectacular as yesterday's, but maybe you'll like it nonetheless; the moon was especially sparkly in the sky today:

Today's letter is kinda short. I didn't do much, and I feel kinda empty-brained.

I wanna ask how you're doing. If you're safe. If you're fed. If you're warm. But I know that you... or the versions of you who are still lost... or what have you... probably won't answer me. But that's okay. Maybe somehow, my question will reach the versions of you who need to be asked. Maybe it'll prompt them to think about it. Maybe if they think about it enough, they'll start trying to make different choices. And if they start trying to make different choices, maybe they can find their way to a more wholesome outcome...

Well. Suppose I'll stop rambling for now, haha.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? I'll write to you again tomorrow; maybe by then I'll have something more substantial to tell you about.

Your friend, Lumine

[some-dr-writings]

Kokichi, Ryoma, Kaito, and Kiibo get Reader’s motive video, revealing no one in the outside world cares about them

Kokichi Oma:

·       Well this was certainly an interesting turn of events, he received two motive videos, and it seems no one else received multiple. But who’s in the world did he receive and more importantly, which should he watch first?

·       …

·       He slid the first pad under his pillow after seeing it.

·       Now what about this other one? Who’s loved one or ones would he see, a person who would be twisted into making a person to want to kill.

·       No one. He just saw a lone picture of Monokuma, apologizing that even after searching and searching there was not a soul to be in the outside world who cared for you.

·       Huh…

·       Kokichi watched the video once more absent mindedly.

·       Even if there was no one in the outside world, that didn’t mean there was no one, after all, he cared, and surely your new friends here did too.

·       Wait, No, no he didn’t! He didn’t care at all! He had to keep repeating that lie to himself so he wouldn’t do anything rash. He needs to be the antagonist, it’s the only way to protect the others without Monokuma getting in the way. It seems his plan to get everyone to watch all the motive videos was all the more important now. In Kokichi’s it stated D.I.C.E. was in danger, people he knew, but if the video said you had no one, surely you… you’d already know you had no one, right? Perhaps there was more of a story behind your becoming the Super High School Level Survivalist than what you had lead others to believe. You lived in the wild because there was no one in human society for you to return to… Was that it?

·       The others were kind folks, surely upon seeing this, they’d all clamor around you, saying they cared about you, Kokichi could even remind them of that promise they made with Kaede, make them think he was antagonizing you in the process, so they’d be extra protective of you, and hopefully making you feel cared for with them all the while saying you WERE friends. You’d have a reason to survive for others and not only yourself. As much as Kokich wished he could be a part of that reason, he could not. But… perhaps he could be a part of the reason you keep surviving for others and not only because it’s all you know how to do after you have escaped… All the more reason to get the others to cooperate discreetly and end this killing as soon as possible.

   Ryoma Hoshi:

·       Ryoma found you to be a rather interesting individual the moment you had met, the Super High School Level Survivalist. You were not fearful of death, yet still did all you could to avoid it. You’d say just waiting to die is an insult to life itself. Once Ryoma had asked you if you had no reason to live. “Why do I need a reason? Isn’t being born enough of a reason? If you’re dead you can’t find this so called ‘reason’ so… you just have to keep living till you find one I guess. Most all creatures do ANYTHING to live, the only exception to that are humans, we humans are arrogant enough to think we’re above life, so we take advantage of our apathy and die for the sake of being too scared to face ourselves, our inner voices and pains. Humans who have the gaul to just give up and die are the worst scum of the world. Their life would have been better off given to a virus, at least that would appreciate the gift and do whatever it could to keep it.” Living for the sake of life and nothing more… an interesting concept Ryoma could simply not wrap his mind around. “Heh, I suppose I still got a ways to go.”

·       Then seeing your motive video… Ryoma knew if he had received a video like this… he’d maybe… Ryoma thought you were much stronger than him, to want to and be able to keep going for your own sake, not needing to cling to anyone or anything else. Still though, he was glad he had gotten this instead of you. Even if you truly fine completely on your own… surely this would still hurt. After all, “Survival is not just about the individual. Sometimes survival means to sacrifice your own life so others may live. This killing game is testing that. The majority surviving is one of the main goals of life, so life can keep creating itself in an endless cycle for the sake of itself and nothing more.” Survival is not just about living, it’s protecting so many, so knowing no one cared, no one to protect…

·       What was Ryoma thinking? Everyone here is those who you were trying to protect, even if you had someone on the outside world you cared for, you’d likely say something like ‘if they are hurt or dead they are already hurt or dead the only thing that would change is my knowledge of it.’ Your first priority right now is saving as many as you could from this killing game.

·       The next time Ryoma saw you he told you, you were an admirable individual, and that Ryoma wanted to protect as many people as he could, like you, no matter what it took, that would be survival according to you, right?

   Kaito Momota:

·       Kaito didn’t bother looking at the video he had gotten at first, just heading straight for the dining hall for breakfast. There he had learned it was a motive to kill! He was not going to play along in this killing game! That’s just stupid! As they say great minds think alike for you didn’t watch the video you got either. “Seeing the motive would only be useful if A. we all watched each other’s videos so we could all keep each other calm and all mourn our loved ones together, or B. since they all seem to be mixed up, learn more about the others around us so we may help them through this. You can learn a lot about a person through their loved ones.” Now… that was in interesting thought to Kaito. Maybe by watching all your videos together it’d build comradery between you all and strengthen your resolve to defeat Monokuma and his cubs. Or if not, he could get to know one individual so he could help them through this madness better. Teamwork and communication were the most important things needed to get out of here. That was what he thought about as he sat on his bed, holding the pad in his lap.

·       Then Kaito abruptly stood up, tossing the pad aside, thinking this was stupid and to just leave the thing be. Though in the process, the video began to play and before he could stop it, he had learned of it’s owner and how supposedly, no one on the outside cared about you… Whatever, that wouldn’t be the case for long. You’d all be on the outside soon enough so soon you would have people out there who cared about you!

·       After that Kaito changed a little. He became more attentive and spent more time with you. He’d occasionally join you in your training or just chat with you about whatever on your breaks. He soon started insisting on joining you during your meal breaks, rather enjoying seeing you gush over Kirumi’s cooking, explaining how it was so much better tasting than what you had often scavenged for yourself. You even ended up starting to teach Kaito some survival techniques, this was rather fun since Kaito was already somewhat educated on the subject, being introduced to it through astronaut training, he was able to easily understand some of your more complicated techniques.

·       You were not sure why Kaito had started this, but when he invited you to join him, Shuichi, and Maki for more training in the evenings… it warmed your heart. If only one good thing came of this mess, you at least got the chance to connect with others again. This… was rather rarer and special for you.

   Kiibo:

·       The motive video. Kiibo was rather hesitant to look at it, but in the end, he decided to watch it. Knowledge is power, so knowing what was on it would surely be better than not, right? Perhaps this could help him in some way to escape or help the others. All he knew for sure was that he would never know unless he tried. And so he watched.

·       What he saw… it broke his metaphorical heart. You had no one. You were just completely alone… That was a sentiment Kiibo was rather familiar with, though there was a difference. Kiibo, even if he felt lonely so much of the time especially so here, like the others reject him and don’t see him as a person, he at least had Dr. Idabashi and memories of him to hold close, but you… He wondered if you ever felt lonely out in the wild or if it was the only place where you could feel at home because there was no one in society for you.

·       “Hey, Y/N, want to do something together?” That was a phrase you had become so familiar with. At first Kiibo would approach you once in a while which quickly turned to him seemingly spending all his free time with you and no one else. Since he was a robot and training held no purpose for him Kiibo kept count for you. Soon though you felt guilty for him just counting all day so you offered to do other things. “After all, you never know what knowledge will come in handy. Who knows, maybe knowing how to do underwater basket weaving could save our lives one day!” “… Y/N, I can see no scenario where that could ever be a possibility.” “Oh, Kiibo, my friend, you’re too closed minded. Skills can be applied to many situations, knowing how to underwater basket weave can have applications in other places, like knowing how to hold one’s breath for a long time, how to see or at least get a feel for the area around you while underwater, or the obvious, just weaving baskets.” Though your example was silly Kiibo found your argument logical and went along with it.

·       Sometimes you’d go read in the library, sometimes you’d cook together, others you’d search through the storage room and see whatever for the sake of seeing if Monokuma had hidden anything dangerous there, other times… you just go for a walk around the grounds, talk like you were some place else, perhaps a school and you were just two teens at break time, pretend you were in a better world and forget about your reality for a moment. Those were both your and Kiibo’s favorite moments. There was no fear, there was no suspicion, there was no just trying to survive, you could just live peacefully. Kiibo hoped he could have years worth of moments like this with you, were this ‘game’ was but a long-forgotten memory.

[ask-hunterxhunter]

Illumi

If you think Illumi can already be creepy or scary now, then you don’t want to see him in a situation like this. Remember when he first saw Nanika’s power and laughed? This would be worse. Obsession can make people unbalanced, and I don’t think we can say Illumi doesn’t have enough issues as it is.

 To put it simply, he would become a lot more deranged than he already is.

 It would be a frightening sight (even to his parents). Once he got over the initial shock, Illumi would mourn you, keep thinking about the past, missing you while wondering why you were so stubborn, why you kept trying to escape, perhaps romanticizing the few moments of peace between you two as a sign that you were falling for him (he will never let go of the delusion that you did love him)… Those thoughts and memories would twist inside him day after day.

It wouldn’t be that obvious when he is away from home. Despite everything, Illumi would be able to pretend that he has everything under control, still keeping that emotionless stance of his, while in truth he would alter between fits of psychotic rage and deep silence (different from his usual quietness, this would be a mourning, dark sort of silence that just screams of insanity). We can’t say there wouldn’t be any sorrow involved, but it’s anyone’s guess whether this would come from his belief that he loved you, the loss of his possession, or everything mixed and more. It’s not easy to be exact with those matters, after all.

 Illumi would become even worse than he already is, which might be expressed by him becoming more obsessed with controlling Killua (he already lost you, he won’t lose anyone or anything more in his life). It’s also possible he would dedicate himself to somehow control Alluka, so he could use Nanika’s power to bring you back (don’t try telling him it wouldn’t work, for your own sake). If he had to kill the entire damn world to get you back, he would.

 Hisoka

In a normal state, Hisoka would grieve and learn how to deal with the pain of losing you. It’s hard to say if he would ever “move on” (since he almost never forms emotional attachments to anyone). Even on the chance of his reaction being intense, it would still be at least normal. With the Yandere level of obsession? Not so much.

 There would be almost no chance of him just accepting that you’ve died and, as a result, Hisoka might become even more violent and full of bloodthirst. Oh, he might hide it, but some people would be able to feel he is way worse now than he used to be. He wouldn’t become reckless during his fights, but he would become a lot more vicious and sadistic.

 This, however, would not be out of some “seeking death” sense as one might think: It’s his obsession getting out of control, as he lost you forever, now being channeled into the only thing that brings him pleasure. And the more time passes, the worst it would be.

 It’s not that he would become an insane person with no control whatsoever over his impulses, but depending on how obsessed he was with you and how much this is affecting him, Hisoka may let go of the few principles he had.  

 Chrollo

If Senritsu ever heard Chrollo’s heartbeat after your death, she would be even more terrified than she was the first time she heard it… There is sorrow in it, yes, but it’s also as if something has snapped, setting free a new sort of darkness from deep inside him. You have to remember that this isn’t about people losing a loved one, this is about deeply obsessed people losing the target of their obsession forever.

 Chrollo way of mourning you would be… Disturbing. Remember the “requiem” he offered Uvogin? It would be similar, only he wouldn’t care for who he is killing. Burn a library you loved or a park? Kill everyone who was inside your favorite café? Anything goes. He would even burn a church with people inside, all while considering those to be pyres he’s making in your name.

 After that, Chrollo would become… Somewhat unstable. No one would be able to realize it except maybe, maaaybe Machi, due to her intuition and that she knows Chrollo quite well (even she would be a little disturbed by what she is getting from Chrollo’s behavior). It wouldn’t be obvious, but there would be signs of times of how much obsession can screw someone’s mind.

 He wouldn’t forget his goals or the Spider, but in a really messed up sense, your memory would become part of it. It's not that he would start to consider your arguments against what he is doing or start thinking about what you would have liked him to do, far from it. It’s a bit as if Chrollo associates his goals to ways that would have made you accept him, more or less.

 If he ever, ever, suspected there might be a way of bringing you back… He would seek it. And may God have mercy of whoever got in the way.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 27)

The closer we get to the end, the more nervous I am, and maybe you are too, because things are going to go horribly awry and only suffering is to come. Fate is adamant that a specific twelve year old must die, and we really have no choice but to watch it all unfold.

In this part, we will discuss the chapters building up to the New Year's Concert, where Reo will attempt to assassinate the ESP.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Six

Ruka finds Natsume in the snow. He asks where he’s been, and Natsume responds that he went to see Mikan. Natsume imagines that Ruka will be jealous, because he feels guilty. He’d been putting his own wants first this whole night, and he hadn’t even considered Ruka.

Expectation vs. Reality. Ruka, best boy.

But Ruka is not jealous, or he’s very good at hiding it. He beams at Natsume, offering only congratulations and support. He’s happy for them, that both of their wishes came true. In fact, Ruka was also wishing for it, that Mikan and Natsume could find each other.

Natsume apologizes, because Ruka’s cheerful support only makes him feel more guilty, but he doesn’t tell him for what. He will not recount the details of the night, particularly of the many kisses shared between him and Mikan.

There’s a happy moment between Natsume and Ruka until, of course, Natsume starts coughing violently. He coughs up blood again, and when Ruka asks him if he’s okay, he’s ready to downplay it, already hiding his hand so that his best friend won’t worry. But Ruka grabs his hand and looks at the blood on the glove, and there’s a somber moment between them. Natsume tries to talk, but Ruka knows he’s just going to try and downplay it again, so he interrupts.

The best friendship in all of fiction. I stand by this forever. You can't change my mind.

Ruka has watched Natsume suffer the whole time they’ve been at the academy, even before then. He might not have had all the details, but he’s known that Natsume’s life was agony. He was helpless, and even became a burden (in his own view, not Natsume’s). He pleads with Natsume not to hide from him anymore. They’re meant to be best friends, and all Ruka has ever wanted was to be Natsume’s support system, but Natsume shut him out in the guise of protecting him. He keeps all his pain locked away and deals with it on his own.

Watching someone you love suffer and not being able to do anything about it is a tremendous pain, Ruka says. Natsume must sympathize. He will say something similar later on about Mikan’s situation.

Ruka loves Natsume. Natsume might have thought that he dragged his only friend into a bottomless pit of despair but Ruka asserts he’s never once regretted following him to the academy, not even for a second.

Ruka is confessing now. Natsume must know now that his existence is important to at least two people who love him unconditionally, but he doesn’t internalize it. Maybe he can’t. He’s too stuck in the role of martyr that straying from it would go against the very fabric of his own identity. He exists and has always existed to protect others. Protecting himself or even considering himself doesn’t align with that identity. No matter how much Mikan and Ruka plead with him to keep himself safe, he can’t abide. They’re more important than he is. He fails to see how much heartbreak and sorrow he will leave in his wake of self-destruction.

Natsume can’t internalize it. He can’t take it in and change course. It’s too late for that, in his mind. But he can tell Ruka the truth, because supporting Natsume is all Ruka wants.

He confesses too. He’s afraid. He doesn’t like thinking about the future, not even a year from now, because he’s scared he’ll be dead by then.

He says his secret fear out loud, that he won’t be able to protect her, and it’s still so heart-breaking that he still only sees his own value in how much he can protect people. He will shorten his own life to get her out of the darkness she’s ended up in. He doesn’t see worth in his existence just for the sake of living, of breathing, of smiling and laughing and crying and existing. Instead, his value is conditional. He is only so good as he is able to protect others and when he can’t anymore, then he is no longer valuable. It’s a glaring sign of a ridiculously low self-esteem.

He wants to choose life! He wants to live! Oh, this makes it worse...

But something has changed. He doesn’t want to die. He wants to live and be with her forever. He can’t be with her if he’s dead. It’s a selfish thought, and as I’ve been saying, that’s a wonderful thing. If only that selfish impulse were stronger, than maybe things wouldn’t be so doomed in the coming week. But Natsume’s ingrained martyr complex is stronger than anything, and his new flicker of selfishness doesn’t stand a chance.

Ruka promises he’ll do anything to support Natsume and Mikan’s future together. And so Natsume asks Ruka to protect Mikan if he’s no longer able to.

I personally don’t think he’s handing Mikan over here. This whole conversation’s context is specifically about protecting Mikan, and how Natsume wants only to keep her safe, even at the expense of his own life (though he’s actually more cavalier with that than he lets on, so it’s not much of an “even”, is it?). If Natsume is dead, he wants somebody he trusts to watch over her and prioritize her as he has. Who better than Ruka, who loves Mikan too and will want to keep her safe as well?

Or. You could just. Not die. Just a thought.

Natsume has never treated Mikan as an object to be won. He’s in fact made several comments about not “competing” at all. If he was able to give Mikan to Ruka, those two would be together now already and Natsume wouldn’t be the one holding Mikan’s alice stone. He is not any more capable of giving her away then he’s been before, and he’s less motivated to now than he’s ever been. Mikan is his, after all. Why would he “give her away” so soon after promising to be together forever?

He’s only concerned with Mikan’s safety and freedom here. If he dies in the pursuit of that, which he will, then someone else needs to make sure she’s safe and free. What she does with that safety and freedom is not in his or Ruka’s or anyone’s hands. I imagine Natsume, who got jealous of Mikan thinking of all her important people when making her alice stone would also get jealous at the thought of Mikan falling in love with somebody after his death. It might occur in the distant future, but it probably wouldn’t be any fun to imagine.

You may disagree with me, but I just can’t see it that way. I just don’t see it.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Seven

It’s New Year’s. Mikan’s birthday. There’s a celebration happening in the dorms, just like last year, but Natsume isn’t dressed in traditional garb to welcome the new year and feast like all the other students.

Instead, he’s waiting for Narumi in a hallway.

He wants all the information he can get, so he can get Mikan out of her cage sooner. Narumi isn’t talking, always willing to act dumb to get out of things. But Natsume knows better. He saw Narumi in the flashbacks, and knows how much Narumi loved Yuka. He would’ve done anything for her, even if it resulted in his own death. Narumi should understand how Natsume feels, then. He knows Mikan is suffering and in danger, but he can’t do anything about it. He says something to the effect that he shouldn’t even be living at this point, again reiterating that his life only has value if he’s able to protect people, particularly Mikan. If he’s unable to do that, then he might as well die. There’s really no difference, he says.

Jeez, kid, relax.

Narumi tries to point out that Natsume is dying, as if perhaps the kid is unaware of this, but Natsume grabs him and declares that he will not end up like him. Natsume seems to understand Narumi (probably more than I can! Haha) and that his life has been empty and soulless for a long time. Narumi is full of regret and has been for years, but Natsume won’t be like that. He won’t live with regret. He’ll do anything he can to save Mikan, and he’ll die without a single regret. He also claims he won’t give up on the idea of sharing a future with Mikan, and that makes the inevitable doom of their romance all the more tragic. Natsume isn’t planning on dying. He’s not imagining that he doesn’t even have a full two days left to live. He’s thinking he’ll push himself to the end of his rope, save Mikan, and then live happily ever after. It’s naive and childish and ridiculous that he really believes he can have his cake and eat it too, but he does with his whole heart.

"I want to live," is enough for me. I stopped reading after that. LET THIS KID LIVE.

Natsume tells Narumi to stop underestimating him for his age. But Narumi agrees: he doesn’t want Natsume or any of the other kids to end up like him and his generation did. He wants things to be better, for the new generation to have a happy and hopeful future to look forward to instead of surrendering to a life of misery and regret.

Chapter One Hundred and Forty-Nine

Natsume and Ruka are something like partners-in-crime now. They both know that taking out the ESP is the only way to free Mikan. They are spying on Reo, who has come under the guise of performing for the New Year’s concert, who spills that Z wants to assassinate the ESP.

Tsubasa and Tono quickly join the conversation, although they’re somewhat unwanted.

Reo keeps talking, and now all four of them are privy to his plan. Tono scolds Natsume for trying to get involved when it’s obvious Z is already on the case. Let them do it, he says. Keep yourself safe instead of putting everything on your own shoulders. Naturally, this is Natsume we’re talking about, so no amount of logic will get into his head, but it was worth a try, Tono.

Natsume's little face here is my favorite. His little angry expressions are always the highlight of any page.

Hearing this warning, Natsume can see the sense in it. He doesn’t want to leave his fiancee alone and heart-broken by his loss (more proof that he doesn’t really believe he’ll die) tomorrow, but to his horror, Koko was reading his thoughts aloud.

Natsume is embarrassed to be put on the spot, and he didn’t want to hurt Ruka’s feelings, so he takes out his anger on Koko. Then he punishes Tsubasa for teasing him about how fast he’s going with Mikan when Tsubasa is actually just slow with Misaki. Then it’s revealed that Tsubasa did finally confess to Misaki and got the answer he wanted, which only pisses Natsume off more, inexplicably. He’d be angry either way, just because it’s Tsubasa. He probably just wants to take the focus off himself and the fact that he’s already proposed to Mikan.

Tsubasa was in fact inspired by Natsume’s commitment to protecting Mikan. He confessed because his kouhai was so determined. But he also expresses concern for Natsume’s recklessness. Protecting people is a worthwhile pursuit, but so is valuing your own life. Other people depend on him and love him, and losing would hurt. He doesn’t have to do everything on his own. Working as a team can ensure his safety and keep him living longer. They’re all on the same page, after all, so why not join forces and get it done more efficiently without Natsume being the martyr again?

Yeah, Natsume, go to therapy. Like, yesterday.

But as the group splits up, Ruka holds Natsume still. He wants to talk about what happened on Christmas, but Natsume doesn’t. He’d rather keep that to himself, not at all willing to hurt Ruka’s feelings after he’s been nothing but supportive.

But he can’t lie, and Ruka has expressed interest in hearing all the truthbombs Natsume can dish out, so he comes clean. They exchanged alice stones. It looks like it pains Natsume to admit it. He’s consumed by guilt for the role he’s played in hurting Ruka. But Ruka is still just happy for him. He again offers congratulations, and all is well until Koko announces that Natsume and Mikan kissed a lot too. Apparently, Natsume has been thinking about the kisses so often and shamelessly to the point that Koko is concerned.

Ruka gets upset, but not out of jealousy. He hits Natsume rather pathetically, adamantly demanding that he be honest and tell him everything instead of keeping secrets all the time. Ruka doesn’t care that Natsume has been “selfish” and has kissed Mikan and gotten engaged with her and met with her. He is a fan! He’s Team NatsuMikan now too! He just wants Natsume to stop lying to him, not even to spare his feelings. If Natsume can’t be honest, then Ruka can’t do his job of supporting him. Friendship is a two-way street and can’t work if the friends can’t rely on each other for help and support. Going through good and tough times together is the key to any lasting relationship, and for that to work Natsume needs to talk to him instead of holding back.

Ruka is so cute here. Absolutely adorable. I shall adopt.

Natsume apologizes and the chapter ends on a light note, with the four of them teasing each other and laughing.

But tomorrow will be a different story. Many horrible things will happen tomorrow night, and the bright future Natsume has finally allowed himself to consider will burn up and die.

Conclusion

In the Rapunzel story, the prince was blinded and forced to walk around the forest unable to look for his lost love. I imagine that's why the chapter title image for Chapter 147 has his face covered in bandages. The story of Rapunzel is a tragic one, but it ends in a happily-ever-after. The consolation we have is that the story of NatsuMikan is more like the story of Rapunzel than of Romeo and Juliet, though it certainly doesn't feel like it for the next thirty-something chapters.

I didn't reread this at all before posting because I'm really tired. Thus, I claim no ownership over any mistakes. They can't be helped.

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[hold-our-destiny]

5 times tony comforted Peter and the one time Peter comforted Tony

This is for @bluesweatshirt for the friendly neighborhood exchange!

(also i’m really sorry i couldn’t add in a cut off on mobile)

________________

1.

Peter wasn't a sad person.

He wasn't too sad when his parents didn't come home from their business trip. Yeah, he was sad when Ben died- he died in front of him for god’s sake- but he didn’t show it, he sucked it up and helped May with the new struggles with money.

Peter wasn't sad, no. He was tired though.

God, he was so tired.

It had been two weeks since homecoming night and Peter was catering between not being able to sleep at all and waking up every night from nightmares.

This night was different, though.

Because for some reason… Mr Stark was in his nightmare.

It was never anyone but peter. Always Peter stuck under rubble, falling from a plane, stuck in the fire. Never anyone else so why now would it be Mr Stark?

That wasn’t exactly the first thought on his mind when he woke up.

___________

Peter woke up with a start, breath stuck in his chest, tears already escaping his eyes.

He threw the covers off him, needing to be free from the confines, before reaching for his phone.

He’s hurt, mr stark’s hurt and he can't help him- oh god he can't save him-

“Hello?” Mr Stark’s groggy voice shook him out of his thoughts.

“Mr Stark?” Peter asked, almost scared for any reply.

“Pete? You okay?” His mentor’s voice took on a new tone. Worry mixed with… something.

“Yeah, sorry, i just- I’m sorry for waking you- I’ll hang up now-”

“Peter. Are you okay?” The question made him want to cry, made him want to curl up and let it all out with how safe it made Peter feel.

“Yeah I’m-” he took a breath, “I’m fine,”

He could tell the billionaire knew he wasn’t, “Okay, well you might as well help me anyway,”

“Help you?”

“Yeah, i've been up for hours trying to figure this problem out,” He lied.

“O-okay”

The mechanic explained the problem to him, Peter letting the words wash over him, breathing through the explanation. He pretended not to notice when Mr Stark didn't ask for his thoughts, when he reminded him to breathe every now and then, just letting his words soothe the kid from the evident panic attack he’d just gone through.

God, he was so out of his element.

Maybe this was a good thing- maybe it was good for him to comfort this kid- this kid who he barely knew. Just for tonight, only tonight.

2. 

Tony was tired. No, scratch that- he was fucking exhausted.

He was pretty much ready to drop on that wednesday, ready to curl up in his king size bed and sleep for 16 hours straight.

And yeah, maybe he forgot it was lab day.

Peter walked- more like stumbled- through the lab doors, somehow racing and also shuffling to his seat, dropping his bag with a thud and sitting in his chair in almost the same manner.

Peter’s hair was messy, curls more unruly than usual, and Tony would bet that if he could see the kid’s eyes, they wouldn’t look healthy. 

“Hey kid,”

No answer.

“You okay?”

A delay, then a slight nod. Peter still hadn’t put anything in front of him, just simply sitting at the desk.

“You wanna skip lab day today?” 

Peter’s head shot up, eyes wide and concerned. And yeah, Tony was right, he had dark bags under his eyes.

“What? Is something wrong? Do you need me to leave?” Tony raised a hand to stop him.

“No- no- I mean more like…” He didn’t know how he was going to say this, “I’m pretty tired right now, do you wanna just order a pizza and chill out on the couch?”

Peter looked at him suspiciously, before nodding, already getting up and heading to the other room.

Yeah, tony thought to himself, you’re doing okay

.

______--

Peter was passed out on the couch within 5 minutes, remote laying in his limp hand and head lolled to the side awkwardly.

Tony brought the pizza in, setting the boxes down on the coffee table and gently shook Peter awake.

“Hey, kid,” He whispered as Peter woke up, matching the tone to the dark room, “You wanna have something to eat? Or at least get into more of a comfortable position,”

Peter nodded groggily, sitting up so Tony could sit next to him, legs touching as Peter moved closer. Tony raised his arm up and around the back of the couch, resting on the teenager’s shoulders and allowing him to relax into the billionaire.

Tony put a random star wars film on the tv, letting it drift into background noise as the kid fell asleep next to him.

For years, Tony had been scared of fucking a future kid up, becoming his father and eventually pushing everyone away. Somehow, now, his fears have receded, his mind reassuring him repeatedly.

He trusts you. You’re doing okay.

3.

Peter woke up under rubble.

No, no, this wasn’t a nightmare. The air was too thick, dust invading his airways. He choked on it as he took a breath. It was too dark, way too dark, the rocks were crushing him, piercing his skin in multiple places. He groaned with the weight, reaching for his watch instinctively. 

He pressed the side button three times, letting red light illuminate his surroundings and trying to breathe with the rubble pushing down on his chest.

His watch lit up blue, and Tony’s voice started speaking through it. 

“Peter? Pete- you there?”

“Y-yeah I’m here” He choked out, a waver in his voice.

“Okay, how are you feeling, kid?” 

“I- The rubble- it’s crushing me- i can’t-” His breath started to speed up at the reminder, panic invading his senses.

“Kid- kid! You gotta calm down, okay? We’re getting you out now, i promise- we’re gunna get you out real soon- but you gotta calm down for us to do that, okay?”

Peter made an affirmative noise, closing his eyes and trying to even out his breaths. His memories were resurfacing much quicker than he could cope with and Tony’s voice was only helping slightly. Peter didn’t know what he was saying, letting the noises meld together in his mind as he calmed himself.

After a few minutes- or hours, he didn’t know- he’d calmed down somewhat, finally able to focus on the voice coming out of his watch. 

“We’re getting you out of there now, kid. You’re doing so good for me, Pete- just keep breathing for me, okay?”

With the panic receding now, Peter was much more aware of his surroundings. He was also aware of the fact that his brain was slowing down, unable to process things as quickly as he normally could. There was a reason for that in the back of his mind but he couldn’t reach it. 

There was something wet underneath him, soaking up into his clothes, he didn’t like that. He wanted to move away from it but only made it hurt worse when he tried- he cried out in pain.

“T-tony!” 

There was a scuffle on the other end of the line- “Yeah, pete? You okay?- what’s happening?”

“T’ny- t- tony! T’y please- g’t me out- please- please- i- i can’t-” 

“Peter- what’s happening?”

“H’rts- my- my chest- there’s- it’s-” The panic was back now, confusing him even more than before, “S’mthing- und’r- something wet- under me- t’ny please-”

“Shit- Peter- Pete- breathe, okay kid? Breathe for me. We’re gunna help you,”

Peter took a breath, then another, and another, steadying his heart before whimpering when the rubble shifted, “Kid, we’ve almost got you. I need you to stay awake, okay? We’re gonna get to you soon but you gotta stay awake so you can tell us if we move the wrong thing, okay?”

Peter made an affirmative noise again, wanting nothing more than to move away from the pain, but listening to Tony.

Tony talked again a while later, surprising Peter when he did. 

“Pete? You still awake for me, bud?”

“Y-yeah im- im here,” 

He heard Tony breathe out slowly, “That’s good, Pete. We’re only a few feet away from you, but the next thing we’re going to move is gunna shift some stuff, okay? Tell us if it hurts you, okay, kid?”

“Okay- I’ll tell y’u”

He waited a few seconds, hearing some movement to his side, before the rubble shifted and his legs screamed in pain. He only let out a grunt, not wanting to stop the team’s efforts, and only a moment passed before he saw his father figure knelt down beside his head, cradling it with one hand. He smiled up at him.

“T-tony-” He sobbed.

Tony nodded, “Yeah, yeah, kid, i’m here now. Sorry we couldn’t get to you sooner but I got you now, i promise. You did so good for me, bud,”

“Good?” Peter’s eyes were closing now, relishing in the relief of pain after hours of panic.

“So good, kid. I’m so proud of you for staying calm. You can sleep now, okay? Let us do the rest.”

He smiled up at his mentor again, letting his eyes close and his body relaxed as his mind gave in to the not-so-distant pull of sleep.

4. 

Tony woke up that morning to a call from midtown tech.

Of course, he was confused as to why Peter’s school would call him at midday on a random tuesday.

“Is this Tony Stark?” The caller sounded dubious- doubtful.

“Yes, it is,”

“This is Julia calling from midtown tech. Are you the emergency contact for Peter Parker?”

“One of them, yes,”

“Would you be able to pick Peter up soon?” Tony was already getting some more presentable clothes on, worried as hell.

“Yes, of course. Can I ask why?”

“To be completely honest with you, Mr Stark, I don't even know. There’s a police officer in there with him right now, and that’s all i know.”

Tony froze. A police officer could only mean two things, and Tony didn’t like either option.

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” And with that, he hung up.

Peter practically fell into his arms when he walked into the office. Tony instinctively went to cradle the back of his head as he processed everything that was happening. One of those things being that Peter was crying.

Peter was crying.

He wrapped his arms around the teenager more firmly as the police officer stepped toward them.

“Mr Stark, I’m officer Langford,” Tony nodded curtly towards him, waiting for an explanation.

“You may want to sit down for this,” 

It took some time for Tony to maneuver Peter into a more comfortable position on the couch in the corner, the kid not wanting his mentor to see his face- in fear?- but they got there in the end.

The officer sat down in a chair opposite them, “I’m sorry to tell you this but this morning May Parker was involved in a car accident, she was rushed to the hospital but unfortunately, she was pronounced dead on arrival-” Peter held him slightly tighter, “We called you here because you were Peter’s second emergency contact, and in situations like these, we need a temporary home for him. If you agree, you can take him home now, and if not we can move him to a separate-” Tony held a hand up to cut him off.

He moved the hand back down to rub across Peter’s back, meant to be a soothing gesture but somehow made him more tense. 

“I’ll take him now, and i can sort out the paperwork for a… longer arrangement soon,” Officer Langford nodded before wishing them well and leaving, but Tony didn’t pay any notice, his mind too caught up in what just happened.

It wasn’t caught up in May’s death, somehow in the back of his mind, he knew, he knew that police officers didn’t just show up at a kid’s school for no reason. He wouldn’t have been called if it was anything else.

No, it wasn’t caught up with that.

It was caught up with the fact that Peter- his kid, his Peter- upon hearing Tony’s agreement to take him in- he lost all tension in his body. As if he was relieved, as if he feared Tony would leave him, as if he would abandon the kid he’s grown so close to lately.

Tony couldn’t process it.

“Hey, kiddo, can you look at me please?” Peter minutely shook his head, burrowing into Tony’s shirt even closer than before. His tears had long since stopped, now just seeking comfort from the billionaire.

“We’ve gotta be clear about some stuff, okay, bud? Just a few minutes and then we can go back to whatever this is,” Tony wasn’t good at this.

But, still, Peter pulled back from their embrace, head turned down towards his legs. 

“Kid-” Tony was stuck for words, “i want you to know that you can stay with me for as long as you like, okay? If it’s just for this week, for a while or if it’s for the rest of your life, okay? I need you to understand that i’m going to stick with you through all of it, anything you need from me, I’ll get it for you,” He took a breath, “You’re not alone in this,”

Peter crumpled.

As if against his own command, his body surged forward, arms clumsily reaching for his father figure, breaths coming through as gasps, head still downturned. 

But still, Tony caught him.

__________

Tony took Peter back to the tower, he set him up in his room, gave him food and sent him to bed. He figured they’d deal with talking about it tomorrow, after some good sleep and a long fucking think about how Tony feels about this kid.

That went to shit at around 4am.

Tony was up on his feet before he could process the scream, legs rushing him to the only inhabited room on his floor. Pushing the door open and hoping for the worst.

He really didn’t expect to see Peter in the corner, bed sheets crumpled around his feet, breaths barely present.

He kneeled down a few feet away, unsure about whether Peter needed him close or not. But upon seeing the kid reach out a trembling hand towards him, he surged forward, pulling the teenager into his arms.

“It’s okay, whatever it is, it’s okay, we’re safe. I’ve got you.” He repeated in hushed whispers, rocking the two of them back and forth.

It was only a few minutes later when Peter responded to him, breathing normally now, hand clutching his mentor’s shirt as he mumbled into his chest.

“Couldn’t- couldn’t save y’u- i- i can’- can’t do i’- pl’se t’ny-”

Tony hushed him. 

Peter repeated the mantra for another- god, tony didn’t know how long- until tony was finally able to hush him. The billionaire carefully picked him up, walking him the few feet over to the bed and laying him down in it. 

Tony hesitated by the door, before hushing his brain of all negative thoughts, turning off the light and retreating back into the teenager’s bedroom. He climbed into the bed with the kid, curling up next to him- relieved when Peter immediately turned to cling to his chest.

Slowly, he fell asleep.

5.

To say Peter was worried about this mission was an understatement. Him and Tony were going undercover together and honestly… it was already awkward. 

The thing is, Peter wouldn’t have any trouble going undercover normally but now, they were going in as father and son. 

There was this guy- this villain they’d started calling the ‘poisoner’- who was targeting father and son couples, poisoning the son and leaving the father with the body until they were found. They’d tried everything to arrest the guy but… he kept getting away- going undercover was the only option- the last ditch attempt before the avengers started knocking on doors.

It was weird how Peter was more scared to act like Toy was his dad, when he could actually die if the other guy got the upper hand.

_______________

They were sat in the hotel room, waiting. 

They saw the guy- the poisoner- earlier at the bar. He’d followed them all night, back to their room but… he hadn’t pushed his way in, always staying just too far away to be apprehended by Tony.

It took a few hours for there to be a knock at the door, Tony standing up and casting a quick look at Peter before going to answer it.

He opened the door to see him- the guy- the poisoner- dressed up as a waiter or something, pushing a cart in front of him.

“Can i help you?”

He smiled, “Room service, sir,” He started pushing his way past Tony.

“I’m sorry, but we didn’t order room service,”

The poisoner turned around quickly as he heard the door blow shut, quickly pulling Tony into a headlock and facing Peter, who was frozen in the shock of it all.

“Now I’m going to say this one time only,” He ignored Tony struggling in his hold, pulling out a gun from his waistband, “There’s handcuffs under the cart. You’re going to cuff yourself to the bed or I’ll blow your dad’s brains out,” 

Peter moved slowly, sliding off the bed and keeping his hands visible. The man was the same height as Tony and didn’t look much bigger than him. Tony should be able to get out of his hold easily- there was a reason he couldn’t- and now he had a gun to his head.

He reached under the tablecloth, feeling the cold metal and pulling out three sets of handcuffs. He moved over to the bed again, cursing the hotel for having actual bed posts, and cuffed his left wrist to the bed, laying down on it to make himself more comfortable. 

The man then pushed Tony away from him, pointing the gun at Peter this time and making fear rush through him, “Now you- cuff his other hand to the bed,” 

Tony hesitated, making the man cock the gun, and Tony then quickly moved towards Peter, efficiently cuffing the teenager’s wrist, giving it a small squeeze of reassurance that didn’t do much to reassure him.

“Pull the chair away from the desk,” The poisoner commanded, “And cuff your hands behind it,”

Tony did so immediately, not risking Peter’s safety again. Only once he was situated did he start talking.

“You know you’re going to regret this,” The poisoner laughed.

“You really think so, do you? I know you’ve got this room bugged, i know the avengers are probably on their way here. But I’m here to send a message,”

“And what message is that?” 

He paused, pulling the lid off the metal plate he brought in on the cart, it revealed a neat line of six vials, all full of a blue liquid.

“You need to pay for what you did,”

__________

As it turns out, the poisoner doesn't actually inject the poison.

No, that would be too merciful.

Tony’s handcuffed to the chair he’s sat in, facing the bed. The same bed of which Peter, his kid, the teenager who he’d grown to care for so much in the past year or two, was handcuffed to in an ironic parallel. Father and son. Mentor and mentee. Tony, the merchant of death, destined to lead anyone he comes into contact with to a gruesome fate.

Peter happened to be that person.

Tony remembered the first few days after the fight with the rogues, how he regretted taking Peter with him, knowing he was going to ruin the kid. The few months after had only solidified that claim, and so he’d taken the suit.

There was no way he was getting out of the situation now.

The poisoner- that son of a bitch tony was going to kill as soon as he could get out of this damn chair-

The poisoner, had strapped a mask to the teenager’s head, slowly screwing in a vial of that fucking liquid on either side.

And now he was breathing it in- the gas- the poison that Tony just sat there as he’d been strapped down.

Now, Tony thought it was bad enough when he’d had all those thoughts running through his head, memories of Peter before they’d gotten to know each other, before Tony had taken him in. He thought that had been bad enough.

But no, it was so much worse when all those thoughts suddenly screeched to a halt.

Because Peter had just turned his head, linking eyes with Tony, a desperate plea moving between them.

Because Peter was scared- he looked terrified. 

There were unshed tears laying in his tear ducts, enough to easily see as you looked at the kid. His lips barely visible within the mask but from what Tony could see, they were held in a strained frown, lips being bitten.

Peter moved his head towards his mentor, linking eyes with the man. And that, right there in that moment, was when the teenager let go.

“T-tony-” A sob cut him off, choked out between his lips.

“T-tony please- i can’t- i don’t-” Tony shushed him from where he was sitting.

“Kid- Pete- I-” Tony was speechless, all known reassurances dying in his throat as soon as he’d thought of them, what were you supposed to say to a kid who was dying and you couldn’t do anything about it?

“Tony- please- dad- i can’t-” that kicked his instincts into gear.

“Kid, you need to stop talking, okay? The team’s going to get here soon, they’ll get this shit out of you and you’ll be okay, then you can tell me whatever you need to when you’re better, okay?”

Peter nodded, eyes still wide with tears but he listened to the billionaire. and somehow, that made it so much worse, the kid would follow him into fire if he asked him to, and now Tony got him into this situation.

Tony wanted nothing more than to look away from what was happening, as Peter breathed in the poison, helpless to do anything, but he couldn’t not be there for the kid. He needed his father figures comfort.

“he’s right, the teams gunna get here soon, i don’t know when but we’ll get you out of this as soon as we can, and then we can spend a week watching all of the star wars movies, and the clone wars if you want, anything you want kid” 

The poisoner was sat in the corner of the room, on the other bed. He was watching them, watching Tony desperately give his kid comfort without being able to touch him. 

Tony looked at him, “you’re a fucking psychopath, you know that, right? he’s 16, he’s just a kid. why don’t you kill me instead if you want me to pay so much, huh?”

The poisoner chuckled, standing up to walk over to them, “If you die, you wouldn’t feel the pain i did as my kid died in front of me, i’m going to make you watch as your kid suffocates in front of you”

He got two new vials, replacing the almost empty ones. Peter’s wheezing had gotten a lot more prominent now, trying desperately to bring in air. 

Tony’s always been around death, it greets him at every corner. but every time, someone else dies instead of him, or at least, they come close to it. 

He doesn’t know what he’d do if Peter dies.

______________

He’d already changed to the last set of vials now, Peter's breath was barely there. 

Tony was fucking terrified, obviously.

The team was close, he was sure of it, but that had been what he’d been telling himself the whole time. 

They were barely minutes out by his assumptions, but he didn’t know if Peter had minutes, vials nearly empty as the liquid in them turned to gas for the teenager to breathe in, slowly suffocating him.

He was still facing Tony, eve after this long, still trusting him to save him. Even as his body could barely pull in breaths, eyes drooping, they didnt stray from his face.

“Peter, you gotta keep your eyes open, i know it’s hard, i know- but you’ve gotta stay awake for just a few more minutes. We’re gunna help you, but you just gotta stay awake,” 

Peter looked at him sadly, but his eyes stayed open and Tony counted that as a win. He started to say something but Tony shushed him quickly.

“It’s okay, kid. Don’t try to talk. We’ve been over this already, you can talk to me after the team gets here- star wars marathon and everything, remember?”

Peter’s eyebrows creased inwards, and Tony’s heart dropped. Either he just forgot about that whole part of their conversation or… or… 

“You just gotta stay awake for me, okay? I believe in you kid, dont let me down,”

_______________

The door seemed to explode inwards when the team got there, Tony didn’t look up.

He didn’t look up as they arrested the poisoner, Bruce and sam moving to Peter, while two others moved to get Tony out of the seat he was in.

As soon as the handcuffs were undone, he surged forward, one hand reaching for the kid’s- which now rested on the bed after being released- and the other going to rest in his curls. Tony quickly wiped the tears off the kid’s face, staying away from his mouth as the others tried to give him as much oxygen as he needed.

Peter choked on a sob when he realised Tony was there, mouth slightly upturning even as another oxygen mask was placed over his face.

“I’m here kid. I’m so proud of you for staying awake, okay?” He looked to bruce, as the man looked away from Peter’s vitals, nodding to Tony now, “You can go to sleep now, I’m so proud of you kid, it’s okay,”

Peter’s eyes didn’t leave him, even as he fell asleep.

Tony cried as he was carried away.

__________________

Peter woke up in the medbay. That was his first sign that something bad happened.

The next sign was his mentor-father-figure-dad asleep on the side of his bed. 

Peter’s eyes widened as he saw the tear tracks lining his cheeks. Tony never cried, not even when he dropped an engine on his foot that one time. If Tony was crying now, this- whatever it was that happened- it was bad bad.

“Tony?” 

Tony startled awake, as if he meant to be on guard, and took one look at the kid in front of him before reaching for Peter and bringing him into his arms.

“Oh my fucking god, kid. Holy shit, you’re okay. Oh my god-”

“Tony what happened?” Was the teenager’s muffled answer, not complaining about being smothered in his da- Tony’s shirt.

“There was this- this guy we went after- had to go undercover and he got to us and he poisoned you, kid- and i couldn't- i couldn't do anything about it- i just sat there and you- you did so good-”

Peter shushed him as the memories arose in his mind, “Tony, can i talk for a second?” He received a nod in reply, “You called the team, Tony. I didn’t, you did. They got there in time and now I’m okay, aren’t I? You did everything that you could, if anything i should've done something, I’m the one with powers here. No- i know- i couldn’t have done anything but you were there the whole time telling me to stay awake and i did, Tony, because of you.”

Tony didn’t say anything, seemingly processing what the kid said. He looked up slowly, tears falling down his cheeks, leaning forward and pulling the kid into a hug again.

Slowly, Peter got tired, nearly falling asleep in Tony’s arms. So, of course, Tony moved into the bed with him, pulling the kid to rest his head against the man’s chest.

“I got you, kid, don’t worry. You can go to sleep,” Peter didn’t know if Tony was reassuring himself or the kid.

Stil, nonetheless, Peter seemingly couldn’t hold back from murmuring a last thought as he fell asleep.

“Love you, dad”

Tony froze for a moment before replying, “Yeah, i love you too, kid,”

[ruzek-halstead]

keep telling me that it gets better (does it ever?)

julie doesn't expect one of the worst days of her life to lead to the best.

an alternate universe where julie is a talented tattoo artist, battling her demons and luke occasionally helps out at a flower shop because recording a demo isn't cheap. their meeting isn't the most glamorous, but it's one for the books.

masterlist || ao3 

It’s only when she turns her head to the side and her curls follow, that he notices the black outline of a butterfly tattoo on her shoulder. It’s unbelievably simple and void of any colour, but Luke finds it suits her. Her arm reaches out as she playfully hits the shoulder of someone she’s with and Luke catches more of the ink on her skin. He spots the dahlia first, and her reaction at the flower shop when he thought they didn’t have any makes a lot more sense; it must have a deep meaning to her.

The urge he feels to know everything and anything about her overwhelms him.

The moment Julie's alarm clock starts ringing that rainy Wednesday morning, she knows it can only go further downhill from there.

She has been dreading this day for the entire month, and now that it's finally here, she isn't sure how to feel. She knows how she feels; her insides are turning themselves inside out and the pinch at the front of her forehead signals the start of a headache that will most likely be there for the remainder of the day.

It's only seven-thirty in the morning and her phone is already flooding with messages. They're mostly from her dad, reminding her what today is. It isn't as if she needs a reminder; this day will stick with her for as long as she walks this earth. Other messages are from her Tía Victoria, a bit more aggressive, trying to ensure Julie's presence later tonight.

Julie understands it's all in good faith; she knows that. It doesn't help lessen the pain though.

She's has never found it anything less than difficult to visit her mother's grave. The image of Rose being lowered in her coffin will forever stay burned in Julie's mind, and that was all she could picture whenever she went back. However, the standing tradition was that they all would visit her mother's grave on the anniversary of her death.

Julie visited on the first anniversary. She was only able to stay the entirety of four minutes before she ran to the nearest trashcan to empty out her insides.

She stopped by the second year but couldn't find the strength to leave the car.

By the third year, the mere thought of visiting the cemetery was enough to send Julie into a whirlwind of panic attacks; they were so debilitating that she couldn't even leave her apartment.

At the fourth anniversary, Julie simply opted to not go. Her father was disappointed, her Tía was angry (even though she tried to hide it) and her brother said nothing at all.

Today marks the fifth anniversary of Rose's death, and once again, she's expected to show up. Even if the pain is just as fresh as the day it happened, the expectation is that she'll show up anyway with flowers and say something nice and meaningful.

Julie doesn't have anything nice or meaningful to say because she's still so angry that something like this even happened in the first place. She doesn't see why she has to hide her anger, why she has to hide it for the sake of her family. It should be okay that she's still grieving; it isn't something you just get over.

Julie clears the messages from her phone without responding. She has work to get to, and she can't be anymore distracted than she already is. She jumps in for a quick shower, not bothering to style her hair since it was a dreary, rainy day anyway. She chooses a pair of black ripped jeans, a matching black cropped band t-shirt and her red and black plaid shirt to complete the outfit. Grabbing an apple for the road, she picks up her army green jacket, an umbrella and quickly weaves through the crowds of people on the street until she reaches her destination.

The 'OPEN' sign is still turned off, but she spots lights flickering in the back. Balancing her umbrella and the apple she shoved in her mouth due to lack of hands, she uses her key to let herself in.

Willie is already in the back, setting up his station for a full day of appointments. Somehow people were always willing to get pricked with a needle, no matter how much it hurt.

Their other co-workers, Flynn and Carrie haven't arrived yet.

Julie is grateful for that. After working with these people for so many years, they know a lot about her and most of them were even there when her mother's health severely started deteriorating out of nowhere.

They know exactly what today is.

She doesn't want to be coddled in the way she knows they'll want to.

Luckily, she doesn't have to worry about that with Willie. He somehow just understands exactly what everyone needs, no words necessary.

"Morning Jules," he murmurs, motioning behind him to the break room. "I set the coffee a bit ago. Can you check on that?"

Julie, ever grateful for the distraction, drops her things at her station and rushes into the break room. Coffee is a must every morning, and it's best to always have a fresh pot. You never know when you'll need a fix. After so many years of working together, they've all memorized each other's coffee orders and so, Julie takes it upon herself to prepare everyone's coffee.

It's mostly for a distraction. But every time she thinks of things as distractions, it only reminds her of what she's trying to distract herself from. It's a lose-lose situation.

"Good morning Julie!"

Julie turns to glance over her shoulder at where Carrie is walking in, hooking her jacket on the coat rack and shaking out the raindrops from her loose waves. She immediately dives for her coffee, taking a deep gulp with a sigh of pleasure.

Her blue eyes meet Julie's surprised brown ones. Carrie merely sends her a small smile and doesn't say anything else. Julie sends one back.

"Is Nick coming in today?" Julie asks, turning back to the four coffees.

Nick is their apprentice, currently working with Carrie. He doesn't come in everyday and Julie doesn't want to waste a perfectly good coffee if he isn't coming in.

"No, not today. He gets days off. Anyone know what those are?"

Julie lets out a snort. She spots the pleased smile on Carrie's lips from the corner of her eye. She understands her co-workers are trying to make this day as pain-free as possible and she really appreciates it.

"Jules, your phone's going off again!" Willie yells from the other room. Julie frowns, knowing exactly who it is and what it's for. She glances at her watch, noting it's time to open. She grabs her coffee along with Willie's and drops it off along the way.

Julie once again presses decline, silences it, and shoves it into one of her drawers. She ignores the somewhat knowing look from Willie; she knows he won't say anything.

She can feel it in the aggressive manner of her movements; she's just so frustrated. She's frustrated with her emotions and what she's feeling. A part of her thinks she should be over it by now, so she wouldn't have to suffer through this every year. But she knows that's ridiculous; this kind of pain doesn't just disappear overnight. She's also frustrated with her family. They don't seem to care about what she's feeling and instead solely on what they want her to do.

But then, she's also frustrated with herself.

Why is it so difficult for her to visit her mother? Maybe it would be therapeutic and bring Julie some closure. She knows this, but her body rejects the idea at every attempt.

It's frustrating all around and Julie can feel herself growing sour as the day goes on.

Julie never pictured herself going into tattooing. To be perfectly honest, blood used to freak the hell out of her and in large quantities, it still does. But she always had an interest in drawing. It started with little doodles on the corners of her notebooks, then when she was gifted her first proper drawing pad, she filled it up within days. It was the one thing that brought her joy, so she decided to make something out of it.

Tattooing was still never on her radar. It wasn't until Julie met up with some of her cousins at a family get together that the idea was proposed. After that, Julie furthered her education on drawing and applied for an apprenticeship with an experienced tattoo artist. She wanted to see if it was the right profession for her, and she was amazed by how much she loved it.

Her mentor thought she was adorable at first. She was so tiny, and so bare of any tattoos, but when she started showcasing her talent, both knew this was the right place for Julie. She stayed there for a few months and eventually started venturing elsewhere. That's when she discovered Willie and his tattoo parlour Powerhouse.

He's absolutely the chillest boss Julie has ever encountered. He cares that you do your job and you do it properly. She also met some pretty amazing coworkers along the way, so it was quite possibly one of the best decisions she ever made.

Sitting in the break room during a gap in appointments, Julie idly stares at the ink littering her forearms. She never saw the appeal to ink her skin before her mom passed away. After that, she was desperate to keep her memory alive, and as close to her as possible.

The black outline of a dahlia on her wrist reminds Julie of her mother's favourite flower; she always made sure to have them in the house, even if they were out of season. There was a flower shop nearby that always managed to get them in, and coincidentally, it ended up being the shop across the street from where she worked now. Julie is familiar with the elderly lady who owned the shop, Beverly; she's the absolute sweetest, and continued to get dahlias even after Rose had passed away.

Julie likes to keep some in her apartment as well, so she continues stopping by.

She kept adding designs to her skin as time went on.

Her style is mostly black ink, thin lines. She understands most people get tattoos without a specific meaning behind it, as getting a tattoo is already meaningful enough. But Julie has always been dead set on having all her tattoos mean something to her.

She has her mother's signature on the underside of her other wrist. This one, Carlos and she got together. It's the only time Carlos ever let her come close to him with a needle, even though she has begged him multiple times.

Julie also has a black butterfly on the back of her shoulder. She loves butterflies and everything they represent; rebirth, change, hope, transformation, everything she wishes she could do.

She has a few more littering the skin on her arms, all personal designs, and all done by her ridiculously talented co-workers; Julie wouldn't trust anyone else.

Julie's day has dragged on, and she's still dodging calls from her family. It hurt, deep down in her chest that she's ignoring them, but it hurt so much more thinking about her mom and where she is.

When her phone rings again as she's cleaning up her station after the last client of the evening, Julie moves to decline the call. She stops short when she notices the screensaver is a dorky photo she took of Carlos many years ago; it's her brother calling, and he hasn't bothered to do so in quite a while.

Julie, with hesitation, decides to pick up the phone anyway. She hasn't talked to her brother in months, and she can't decline his call; it would hurt too much.

"Julie," he greets, seemingly surprised she even picked up; he knows what she's like on his particular day. It's like a breath of fresh air hearing his voice, and it makes Julie feel even worse for ignoring her father and Tía's calls earlier.

"Hey Carlos," Julie replies softly. "How are you?

It's a dumb question, but it was instinct more than anything else.

"I'm okay, considering," Carlos responds honestly, and Julie's heart nearly bursts from how much it hurts. To know her little brother is hurting and she has been avoiding him like the plague, it makes her feel like a terrible sister. And that wouldn't be far from the truth, considering how MIA she has been with her entire family. "Are you coming tonight?"

Julie inhales sharply. It's easier to just decline calls to let them know she isn't coming rather than actually having to tell them. "I'm sorry Carlos, I don't think I can make it tonight."

There's an ominous silence from the other end. They both know Julie's full of shit.

"Okay," he replies solemnly. "I just —" When Julie hears what she thinks is a quiet sob, her eyes immediately well up with tears. For a second, it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room and she can't figure out how to breathe. "I would really like it if you came. I need you."

Carlos is so obviously in pain and Julie doesn't have it in her to deny it anymore. She's in pain too, but it isn't just about her.

"I'll be there," Julie tells him, voice breaking on the last word. "I'm just finishing work, but I'll meet you all there."

"Thanks Jules," he thanks her, but honestly, there's no need. "I love you."

Julie hastily wipes at the tears that have escaped. "I love you too. See you soon."

Julie immediately ends the phone call and ducks her head into her arms to silence the sobs wracking her body.

God, it hurt so much.

Everything hurt.

Julie only allows herself to fall apart for a single minute. After that, she composes herself and wipes away her tears. She had promised Beverly she would stop by today, as she always sent Julie some dahlias on the anniversary of her mother's death. She figures she may as well bring them to her mother's grave; her father would appreciate it.

Julie hastily grabs her jacket from the back and storms to the front door. Her co-workers are still in, so she mumbles a quick goodbye but doesn't stay long enough to receive any questions. In her rush, she forgets to grab her umbrella and of course, it's still raining out.

She growls in frustration under her breath. She isn't usually an angry person, but today she's completely out of it.

The flower shop is only across the street, so she quickly makes a run for it and ducks into the shop.

Julie is expecting to see Beverly behind the counter, so she's unpleasantly surprised to see a floppy-haired, sleeveless man sitting behind it instead. She was truly hoping to see Beverly; she always made Julie feel better, especially on days like this.

So, she can't exactly explain the overwhelming feeling of rage that overtakes her.

Luke is sitting behind the counter on a stool, pencil between his lips, brows furrowed together as he reviews his latest lyrics. His head is bopping up and down as he murmurs the words from the notebook splayed on his lap.

He's been in a bit of a rut lately and everything he seems to write makes him want to bang his head against the wall.

The flower shop is quiet and slow, and it's the perfect place for Luke to write out his latest song ideas. They are still three songs short for the demo album they're currently recording and Luke is on a bit of a time crunch. It's a miracle they found a studio willing to let them record their demo album at all, but that's the price of knowing people (or Reggie knowing people; he meets a lot of random people).

Unfortunately, recording a demo doesn't pay much, so Luke helps out in the flower shop occasionally. Beverly is a family friend of his mom's and she's more than happy to have Luke help out so she can spend some more time with her grandkids.

When he hears the bell of the door go off, signalling there's a new customer, he glances up, pencil dropping into his lap. Her back is to him so he can only spot her unruly curls and army green jacket littered with raindrops.

He watches her silently; it isn't like he's trying to be creepy or anything, but usually he can tell by their expressions if they need his help or not. When she turns in his direction to glance at the row of flowers, he offers a friendly smile.

Luke is momentarily distracted by her effortless beauty, but his brows furrow at the obvious distress written on her features. Her eyes are slightly rimmed red, and he doesn't want to make any assumptions, but coupled with her rosy nose, it seems as if she has been crying. There's a pinch in her brow, and Luke can't tell if she's angry or just severely upset.

Neither are his specialty, and truth be told, he figures he'll only make things worse if he tries to talk to her. But she looks so sad, and it is technically his job. How horribly could he mess this up?

With hesitation, he slips out from behind the counter and approaches her cautiously, bouncing on his heels.

"Hey!" Luke greets, his right hand automatically reaching towards the back of his head to scratch his scalp. He has been told it's his nervous tick, though he can't really help it at this point. His voice sounds so loud in the quiet shop; only the sounds of buzzing from the coolers can be heard. "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Julie is still gazing over the flowers, growing irritated that there are no dahlias in sight. She spares a single look at his curious expression. His green eyes are searching her face, and she can only imagine how terrible she looks right now. His gaze is oddly intense and Julie breaks away like she's been burned.

Shaking her head to break out of her reverie, she looks back at the flowers. "I'm looking for dahlias."

"Oh!" Luke frowns, even more so when Julie doesn't make further eye contact. "Sorry, we don't have any in stock right now. Not the season."

Luke has dealt with crabby customers before, normally upset because they don't have what they're looking for. He's used to that, and he has a pretty upbeat demeanour that helps him whenever he has to talk down customers. And though Julie looks upset, he doesn't expect her to snap the way she does.

She turns to face him with such ferocity that the ends of her jacket flap against his thigh. There’s a wild gleam in her eye as it twitches. “What?” Though the single word is packed with animosity and venom, Luke spots the hint of desperation beneath. “That’s not possible. This place always has dahlias! They have to be here somewhere!" Her voice lowers into a soft whine when she says, "I need them."

Julie’s eyes flood with tears the more she speaks, and though she realizes he probably has no idea that Beverly always makes sure there are dahlias for her, she can’t help but let her frustrations out somewhere. Plus, she doesn't know him, so it's fine, right?

At the prospect of Julie bursting into tears right there and then in front of him, Luke jumps right into panic mode.

If Beverly’s shop receives a terrible review because of him, she will absolutely have his head.

(Beverly is a sweet lady but the sass.)

“Uh — hold on, just give me a second,” Luke stutters, reaching his hand out as if to comfort her. Julie’s eyes drop down to his hand and he snaps it back and tangles it into the back of his head with a sheepish smile. He’s always been very touch-oriented; it’s a problem sometimes, especially with people he doesn’t know very well. He just can't help it; if he sees someone in pain and suffering, he'll want jump in and help. However, it seems like the only way to help this particular distraught customer is to find some dahlias. “Hey, okay — listen, why don’t I check in the back? I could definitely be wrong.”

Julie’s eyes meet his and he becomes increasingly aware that she’s about ready to lose her bearings and cry right there in front of him. It makes his heart turn in his chest, and he doesn’t even know her that well. He takes a step back to head to the cooler but his hesitation is at an all-time high; Julie looks so ready to explode and it rubs him the wrong way to leave her on her own.

But he figures it’ll be for the best if he can find the dahlias, so he awkwardly steps back to enter the cooler. The cooler is relatively empty, only vases with long-stemmed roses, some ready-to-go arrangements and a few orders waiting to be picked up. He walks through the cooler quickly, checking any crevice for hidden dahlias. It’s only when he spots a bouquet of dahlias with baby’s breath, neatly wrapped in cellophane that he stops in his tracks. There’s a note attached and Luke recognizes Beverly’s loopy hand-writing.

A pretty, curly-haired brunette will be by to pick these up later. No charge. Please be nice, Luke.

Luke nearly snorts at the addition of the note, but quickly realizes it was probably added because of the brunette’s emotional state that he just witnessed. He would otherwise argue he’s a very kind person.

(He isn’t usually wrong about what they have in stock either, but it seems today is a day for firsts.)

Luke grabs the bouquet and gently brings it back out. Luckily, the brunette hasn’t burst into tears; in fact, she seems more composed than earlier (he can’t help but think that maybe it was because his bothersome presence was gone).

“Ah — I’m sorry about that,” Luke apologizes, holding out the bouquet. He realizes the note Beverly left is still stuck onto the cellophane when he catches Julie’s eyes very obviously reading it. He awkwardly snatches the note back and shoves it into his pocket, but when he notices the right side of her lip quirk into a small smirk, he can’t help but feel a swell of pride. “Turns out Bev had this ready for you in the back.”

Julie accepts the bouquet, glancing up to send him a small, thankful smile. She recognizes she was quite snappy with him, and truthfully, he handled it considerably well as opposed to how he could have. But she also knows she isn’t mad at him and he didn’t deserve to be her punching bag today. Whoever he is.

Julie doesn’t recognize him, but he seems to know Beverly just as well as she does. He has a decently cute smile and Julie seems to be drawn to his mannerisms; the way he constantly scratches the back of his scalp or bites his lip when he’s awaiting replies.

She only notices that she’s been staring at him for the last few seconds when he clears his throat and his hand dives towards the back of his neck. She would be embarrassed if this wasn’t already one of the worst days of her life; it truly can’t get any worse.

Instead, she pulls out her wallet with her free hand, but Luke shakes his head. She saw the note that said no charge, but she had been a nightmare, it was the least she could do. “No charge,” Luke murmurs, eyes latching to the delicately wrapped dahlias. “Boss’s orders.”

Julie forces another smile onto her lips. “Thank you,” she says. She debates saying anything else, maybe apologizing but she’s already running late and she doesn’t want her family to think she’s bailing on them again.

So, she turns to leave. Immediately, dread starts pooling at the bottom of her belly and she just knows getting to the cemetery will be one of the hardest things she'll have to face.

At watching her leave after a painfully obvious fake smile, Luke hesitates. He’s a curious person, and he doesn’t like to see people hurt. He always needs to make things better; it's part of who he is. So, he bites his lip and launches forward, blurting loudly, “Are you alright?”

Julie nearly snorts because she most definitely is not alright and that much is obvious, but it’s nice of him to ask anyway. She stops in her tracks and turns to him with soft eyes. “I’m not, but thank you anyway,” she replies honestly.

Her eyes drop down to search for a name tag, but he doesn’t have one. She then remembers the name scribbled on the note at the same time he supplies, “Luke.”

“Thank you anyway, Luke,” Julie repeats. Her eyes quickly roam over his features once again. She hadn’t noticed his sleeveless tank was an old band t-shirt, but at this close range, she could tell it had been purposely ripped and destroyed. The shirt, coupled with his distressed denim pants and outdated jean-chain gives her serious 90s vibes. She decides she likes it.

Luke nods in response, folding his lips in an awkward smile. Her warm brown eyes are softer now as they gaze at him and for some reason, he can feel his heartbeat start to pick up. She turns to walk away again and this time he doesn’t interrupt.

He would absolutely deny that he was creeping on her (he just happened to be looking in that direction) but he watches as she ducks into the tattoo parlour across the street. He finds it a bit odd; it seems like a weird place to go after a flower shop, especially given how upset she looked.

One thing he does know: it seems as if Beverly is quite familiar with this mysterious brunette, and he would be lying if he said he doesn't want to know more about her.

x

It's a fair assumption to say Luke’s life is a tad bit complicated at the moment.

His band, Sunset Curve, was graced with the amazing opportunity to record their demo in a borrowed studio. It was a truly unbelievable experience, and Luke was eating up every second. But as the resident songwriter, it was up to him to make sure they had enough original songs to even record.

It’s no secret that Luke has been having trouble in the inspiration department.

The lyrics just weren’t flowing to him like they usually did. He wasn’t really sure of the reason; he originally just assumed writer’s block. But then a certain event occurred and he started to see everything in a different light.

It sounds ridiculous, he knows that.

He doesn’t even know her name.

But her effortless beauty compelled him, and there was something about the sadness in her eyes that drew him in. There were many things about their encounter that were completely out of the ordinary. Her vulnerability and obvious desperation drove his curiosities wild and even though he’d only been in her presence for a few minutes, he was itching to know more.

So, he isn’t the least bit surprised when he starts adding words to his notebook as potential lyrics start spilling out of him.

Specifically, he focuses on her emotions and the obvious distress she seemed to be feeling. It’s out of the realm of his usual type of song, and maybe it isn’t something he’d pitch for the band, but a smile comes to his lips as he thinks of these passages just for himself.

she closed the door

she hides behind a face nobody knows

she feels her skin touch the floor

she wants to fight

but her eyes are tired, nobody’s on her side

she wants to feel like she did before

she looks into her mirror

wishing someone could hear her, so loud

It's definitely not his usual, but her presence in his life gets the ball rolling.

He needs to know more.

Luke finds himself a week later back in Beverly’s flower shop, this time with her by his side. They receive deliveries on Thursday evenings, so Luke usually stops in to help. He hadn’t gotten a chance to pick up another shift since he met the mysterious brunette last week due to back-to-back sessions at the studio, but this was finally his opportunity.

He hasn’t found the right opportunity to ask; he isn’t even sure what to say, but apparently his actions are a bit more obvious than he's intending them to be.

“Am I about to get robbed?”

At Beverly’s odd, but capturing question, Luke turns to her with furrowed brows. She’s sitting behind the counter, checking off their invoices one by one. He’s unloading boxes into the cooler, albeit slower than necessary. He’s a tad bit distracted by the glass windows.

“What?” He mumbles, stopping for a moment to focus on her words. He wipes a hint of sweat off his brow. For someone with a high level of stamina due to the countless hours on stage, he's quite embarrassed at how out of shape he seems to be from a few boxes.

Beverly peeks up at him over the rim of her glasses. “Well, you keep looking out the window, almost as if one of your dorky bandmates is about to run in and break into my register."

Luke snorts at the mention of his dorky bandmates; she definitely isn't wrong. But that isn't the reason why he continues to glance out the window.

“No. It’s just — that girl from last week, with the dahlias. Uh — what’s her name?”

Beverly's smirk is evident and he nearly shies away from the knowing look in her eye. “You didn’t ask for her name?”

His eyes roll back at the obvious judgment in her tone and he wants to laugh, but she's already beat him to it. “I was kind of distracted trying to make sure she didn't cry at the sight of my face."

"Right, I could've warned you about that."

Luke's eyes latch onto her smirk. "You could've."

“She’s a sweet girl,” Beverly sighed, filing another completed invoice. “She’s had a hard life, sad story, really.”

That certainly piqued Luke’s interest.

“What happened?”

But he should’ve figured Beverly wasn’t going to make it that easy for him.

“Not my story to tell,” she says simply. “But I can tell you her name is Julie and she works at the tattoo parlour across the street.”

Realization dawns on Luke at once. He saw her ducking into the parlour after buying flowers but he never imagined she actually worked there. It didn’t seem like her thing, but he should know better than anyone not to judge a book by its cover.

“Are you going to go talk to her?”

At Beverly’s absurd suggestion, he scoffs. “What? No. I was just curious; I don’t even know her.”

Beverly rolls her eyes. “How is it possible that the male species have gotten even stupider since my time?”

Luke drops his jaw in offence, but she's already slid her glasses back on and started studying the next invoice.

Did the thought of casually dropping by the tattoo parlour cross his mind? Yes, of course. But he doesn't want to do that. He isn't used to that. He's never the one that had to chase; it sounds stupid, especially because he hardly knows her, but sometimes there's just a feeling. A feeling that might not make any sense at all, but it's there and it's impossible to ignore.

Luke did his best to ignore the feeling, but only a mere week later, he would find that it wasn't that easy.

x

"Alright, boys. You all understand how important tonight is, right?"

Alex rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time, as if Luke hasn't drilled the thought into their minds a million times by now. Ever since they secured this gig, it was all Luke could talk about. They each knew how important it was. Yes, their demo was currently in the making but one amazing performance in front of some killer producers, and their demo may not even be necessary to get signed.

It's exciting and anxious as hell.

"I know, I know," Luke sighs, running his hands nervously through his hair. He can't stay still and he can't stop moving or his anxiety will eat him alive. "I'm just so nervous."

Reggie nods his head from the snack table. They each have their own ways of dealing with pre-stage jitters and nerves; Reggie's happens to be stress-eating, and his food of choice? Hot dogs. How he manages to not upchuck everything when onstage is a question they've all asked themselves multiple times.

"I get it dude," he says through a mouthful. "But we're going to rock this like we always do. It'll be awesome."

Reggie's words are comforting but they do little to ease Luke's nerves. This is a big deal for him, for all of them. After so many years of following their passions and trying to accomplish their dreams, a real chance is finally awaiting them just outside these doors.

It's enough to make him nearly puke twice before he makes it on stage, and it only frustrates him further because he never gets this panicky.

He works himself up before he takes the final plunge and finds his way to the one place in the world he's ever felt truly comfortable; centre-stage in front of a microphone with his guitar slung around his neck.

The lights are bright, but he's used to it. His connection to the crowd is instant; that's never been a problem for Luke. He reaches the crowd in the way he sings passionately, surrendering every emotion each song elicits.

He's trying not to think too much; he doesn't want to get too far into his head because he does his best work musically when he isn't thinking, only feeling the music coursing through his veins. He can easily spot the producers in the corporate pantsuits sitting in the far back corner and his eyes try to avoid them as best as possible.

He focuses on the music, on his boys and on giving the performance of a lifetime.

Luke is so focused, he momentarily misses the sight of his flower shop mystery girl smack-dab in the middle of the crowd. His eyes immediately snap back, catching her polite smile as she nods her head along with the music. Though she isn't jumping along like some fans in the front row, she is offering some acknowledgement that she's enjoying his music.

And he isn't sure why, but it sends a fire through his chest that animates him for the rest of the show.

They don't take any breaks during the set; their dedication is endless.

Luke can physically feel how animated the club is, how unbelievably well their show is going. He shouldn't be surprised but the nerves were too much for him earlier. By the time they're winding down for their last performance of the night, Luke doesn't want it to end.

But he's also perfectly aware of the incredibly important people sitting near the back and he knows he has to face them eventually.

They end their stellar performance with their favourite song to perform, so near and dear to their hearts, and also energetic as hell, Now or Never. It's the perfect oath to live their lives to the fullest, as Luke and the boys try to do every day. Today is no different; an opportunity came knocking and Luke plans to take full advantage.

When Luke finally makes his way off stage, everything seems to happen in slow motion.

He can idly feel Alex pulling on his tank and Reggie wrapping an arm around his shoulders, messing up his sweaty hair even more than it already was.

Even when a woman wearing a salmon coloured pantsuit sneaks into their makeshift dressing room to have a quick word, he feels like he's frozen in time, watching from outside his body.

Alex does all the talking (mostly nervous rambling) but the lady, who later introduces herself as Lucy Fields, happens to think it's adorably hilarious.

She tells them she absolutely loved their performance and sees some real, authentic potential; they're young, have a defined sound and a clear talent for writing their own music. Lucy hands them her card, asks for a phone number for reference and promises to call.

When Reggie confusedly asks what this means, Lucy offers them a small smirk.

"I'm going to set up a meeting with my boss. If he likes what he sees, maybe you guys will be signing some paperwork." At their obvious disbelief, she continues, "You guys will definitely be signing some paperwork."

The silence that follows is palpable, but understandable.

Luke hasn't been able to utter a single word since getting off stage, which is highly unusual for him. This news doesn't help his predicament. Reggie starts coughing violently when he chokes on his water, and Alex is nearly about to drop to the ground because what even is air anymore?

Lucy isn't really sure what reaction she would get, but she isn't expecting complete silence. This is rectified when three, fully-grown man-children launch themselves at her, thanking profusely; Reggie even goes so far to plant a sloppy kiss on her forehead.

"We are so sorry," Alex apologizes breathlessly, yanking Reggie back towards his side. "We've just been wait — this is really huge for us."

But Lucy is laughing, so they know they haven't totally ruined their opportunity before it's even begun. "It's alright, boys. This is exciting, I get it. I'll be in touch," she promises before leaving the way she came in.

It's only fitting that the boys can't find any words for a solid five minutes. How does one sum this up into words? Luke certainly can't; in fact, he's pretty certain his brain is short-circuiting because his mind is completely blank.

"What the actual hell?" Alex mutters, quite literally sitting down on the floor where he stood. "Did that just happen? Am I dreaming?"

In response, Reggie whacks Alex on the back of the head; the blonde whines in pain. "Not dreaming," Reggie replies positively. He turns to Luke, nodding, "Dude, you haven't said a word. You good?"

"I don't know what to say," Luke finally says. "This is fucking wild. I mean — I knew it was a possibility, I know this is what we were hoping for but, it's actually happening."

Alex shoots Luke a toothy grin, eyes involuntarily watering with happy tears. "It's finally happening," he repeats. He braces himself when Reggie suddenly launches himself onto him, then groans when Luke hops on as well, laughing heartily.

"It's finally happening!"

It's only when he's distracted, laughing with his brothers on what is quite possibly one of the best days of his life that he remembers just exactly who is currently outside. Untangling himself, he scrambles off the dog pile and nervously tries to fix his messy hair.

"Shit, I have to go."

Alex furrows his eyebrows. "What? Where?"

"We have to celebrate!" Reggie pouts, grunting when Alex pushes him off.

Luke is busy rummaging through all their belongings, looking for some breath mints or even gum. Alex peeks at his actions with curiosity. "What are you — Lucas Patterson! Who is the girl?"

"Shh!" Luke fires back. He isn't totally sure why he does, because it isn't like she can hear them, but it's automatic. "It's the flower shop girl, Julie. I saw her in the crowd."

Reggie shares an incredibly suggestive look with Alex, and Luke can't help but roll his eyes. He finally locates his emergency pack of breath mints and pops three into his mouth. "The tattoo artist? Oh, dude, get your ass out there."

"Good luck Luke! Don't mess it up!" Alex yells after him.

Luke slams the door shut behind him and chuckles; he really should get some new friends. But if things go as expected at this meeting, he'll be stuck with them for life.

He is keenly aware of the fact that Julie might not even be around anymore. It's more than probable, but Luke hopes luck is on his side tonight.

After all, he owes her somewhat of a thank you.

He was in a musical rut before she stormed into his flower shop and nearly bit his head off. He can't explain it, but their encounter sparked something within him and he found himself writing more lyrics than he could keep up with.

Plus, she seemed to recognize him when they made brief eye contact, so it couldn't be a bad idea, right?

(Tell that to his palms that are obsessively sweating as his bright eyes rake through the hoards of people looking for her.)

Luke finds her relatively quickly; she's perched a top of a stool directly in front of the bar. Even though he can only see her back, he recognizes the cascade of curls down her back.

Maybe luck is on his side.

It’s only when she turns her head to the side and her curls follow, that he notices the black outline of a butterfly tattoo on her shoulder. It’s unbelievably simple and void of any colour, but Luke finds it suits her. Her arm reaches out as she playfully hits the shoulder of someone she’s with and Luke catches more of the ink on her skin. He spots the dahlia first, and her reaction at the flower shop when he thought they didn’t have any makes a lot more sense; it must have a deep meaning to her. The urge he feels to know everything and anything about her overwhelms him. He notices some more black ink colouring the entirety of her arm, though he can’t tell what they are from this far away.

He can’t even put into words how good it looks on her, and maybe that’s a little shallow of him to think, but he’s truly floored by her appearance.

He knew she was beautiful when he saw her that first time, but seeing this side of her, this personal side of her; she’s simply gorgeous and he can’t wait to tell her.

He takes a deep breath and fixes his shirt; it's old and ratty and ripped, but it hasn't failed him yet. He has absolutely no idea what he even plans on saying; he never has to think about it, it usually just comes to him.

Luke slides in next to her, flagging down the bartender immediately.

He really needs a drink.

“Rum and coke, please.”

The tone of his voice must render familiar because Julie pivots on her stool with curious eyes and a lazy smile.

“Well, if it isn’t flower shop boy.”

In another world, he might’ve been offended that the only memorable thing about him was that he worked in a flower shop (he would argue his devilishly good looks or sparkling eyes were absolutely unforgettable). But with one look at her tilted head and amused eyes, he's just glad she remembers him at all.

“In the flesh,” he replies, tongue pressed against his teeth to keep from smiling too excitedly. “Though I do think I proved myself on stage; rockstar is a much more badass nickname."

Julie’s eyes twinkle mischievously as she clicks her tongue before pulling the straw of her drink between her lips. Luke’s eyes immediately follow absentmindedly. “I don’t know,” she drawls with a hint of sarcasm, “I think flowers suit you somehow.”

He wouldn't normally associate himself with flowers.

He's all about ripped jeans and band tees; bottomless coffee pots and dark splashes of colour. Flowers don't normally come to mind, but for some reason, the thought that she does associate him with flowers brings a smile to his lip. Clearly flowers mean a lot to her, if the dahlia tattoo is anything to go by.

It also isn't the wildest thought; he does occasionally work in a flower shop, after all.

The bartender slides his drink across the counter and Luke digs into his back pocket for his wallet. His emerald eyes glance at Julie's nearly empty glass and he leans forward to ask for a refill before throwing a few bills onto the counter.

Julie's eyes glance at the new drink and she shoots a shy smile in his direction.

He doesn't know her very well, but from what he's seen, shy doesn't really seem to fit her.

"You're in a band."

It almost seems like a question, but it very obviously isn't. Luke still feels the need to reply.

"Yeah. We do alright," he replies, hiding a chuckle.

If there is one thing that Luke Patterson is one-hundred percent certain of is that Sunset Curve rocks. Record deal or not, he knows it and he'll never give it up.

However, it doesn't seem like he'll have to and the thought brings a smile to his lips.

"You guys are more than alright!" Julie's face brightens as she turns to speak more animatedly. "I have to be honest, I wasn't really for going out tonight, but I was pleasantly surprised."

"Pleasantly surprised because you saw a familiar face or —?"

Julie's head tilts again and his eyes absentmindedly trace her jaw. "Pleasantly surprised because you guys were good and I was having fun." As an afterthought, she smirks and adds, "Plus, the drummer was cute."

Luke's smile immediately drops and he returns his focus to his drink with a pout. "He's unavailable," he mutters grumpily.

But then she laughs and with one quick glance at her amused expression, it's clear she's only messing with him.

"I like your ink," he says with a nod. "Are they your designs?"

At the comment, Julie's eyebrows rise beneath her curls. "They are, yeah," she replies with a hint of confusion in her voice.

"Beverly told me you work at the tattoo parlour across the street," Luke explains with a shrug of his shoulders.

While Luke doesn't realize the gravity of his words, Julie is filled with a rush of excitement. Clearly, he's been talking about her or at least thinking about her. It's especially surprising considering how their first meeting actually went.

But the truth is, she's thought about him too.

It was hard not to, given his kind smile and friendly nature. Though she was stressed at the time, she couldn't help but think back afterwards. She was of the type to think about things constantly, even after it was all said and done. Awkward encounters, stupid things she's said, you name it.

So, nearly crying in front of a cute stranger definitely made the list.

"You talked about me?" Julie asks, revelling in the quick bloom of red that spreads across Luke's cheeks.

Though he's blushing, he seems completely at ease. "I actually asked about you," he admits, taking another large gulp of his glass. He senses the burn of the alcohol passing through his system. "I was curious."

Julie nods, stirring her glass with the black straw. "Not curious enough to stop by?"

This time, his eyebrows rose in surprise. "I would've stood out too much."

At this, Julie's dark eyes roam over Luke's bare arms, subtlety forgotten. She's surprised she even held out this long, given how loose his shirt is. The cutoff sleeves droop low on his sides and she has a decently clear view of his chest at the angle he's sitting. Her eyes automatically snap back up to his face where he's smirking through another sip from his glass.

His arms are still glistening with sweat, but they're bare of any ink.

"I mean, we can always change that," Julie suggests. She hasn't taken notice of how her body has absentmindedly leaned closer to him, but Luke has. If his racing pulse is anything to go by, he's definitely noticed.

Luke lets out a breathy chuckle, gaze dropping to appreciate the tattoos littering her caramel skin (don't even get him started on what her tattoos are doing to him). "Needles and I don't get along too well and I'm sure as hell not about to cry in front of you before we've even had a first date."

Julie's eyes widen at his forwardness and Luke's breath catches in his throat.

But only seconds later, a pleased smile spreads across Julie's mouth slowly and his gaze automatically drops.

"We can change that too."

Luke has mysteriously forgotten how to breathe, but luckily, Julie is making all the first moves. She pulls her phone out of her purse, unlocks it and brings up a new contact page. She hands him the phone with bright, hopeful eyes and he can only take the phone numbly because he's pretty sure his brain is starting to shutdown.

He doesn't ever freeze up. He doesn't panic when it comes to girls.

In any other scenario, he would had had her number minutes ago.

But this. This is different.

It feels odd for him not to be in control but he's weirdly okay with it? He can't explain it, but he'll sure as hell enjoy it.

Julie glances over her shoulder towards the door as Luke finishes up with her phone. He hands it back to her, expertly making sure their fingers brush as she takes it back (see? His game isn't completely gone).

"I have to go," Julie explains, and is that a breathy tone Luke detects? "My friends are waiting, but it was nice to see you again, Luke." Her eyes seem to go blank for a moment and she shakes her head. "Oh — my name is Julie, by the way. Julie Molina."

A grin blooms across his lips. He already knew her name, but he isn't trying to freak her out with that information. "It's nice to see you again, Julie."

Julie slides off her stool and tucks a few wayward curls behind her ear.

Luke knows he shouldn't, but his gaze roams over her figure. But she did oogle his biceps, so they were even, right?

"By the way," he mumbles and curses his mouth that moves faster than his brain. He's up and out of his seat before he notices. "This might be totally out of place for me to say, but I hope you're doing alright. You know — from that day and all."

He's wincing, preparing himself for when she tells him to go to hell or where he can shove his sentiments, but she surprises him. He shouldn't be surprised because she seems full of surprises, but he still is.

It had only been a week since the fifth anniversary of Rose's death but the wound is still just as fresh. She appreciated when he asked her if she was okay back then, and she appreciated it just as much now.

It's quite comical. She actively avoided her co-workers and friends just so they wouldn't ask her if she was okay, because clearly she wasn't. But she didn't mind a complete stranger asking her; in fact, she welcomed and appreciated it.

Obviously Luke wants to know what had her so upset that day. And it wasn't just that day; he can see the sadness that follows as soon as he mentions it now. It's clearly something she struggles with everyday and that kills him. He wants to know how he can help, how he can make it go away.

Hopefully, he'll get that chance one day, but for now, he's still waiting on that first date.

Julie's sad eyes sweep across his crestfallen features and she steps forward. Her delicate hand presses down on his shoulder to bring him closer and she gently presses her lips to the apple of his cheek. She lingers, because she can and even though he just played an entire set under hot, gleaming lights, he still smells amazing.

"I'm doing better, thank you," Julie murmurs, stepping back. Her eyes roam Luke's face; his blown pupils, lips parted in surprise. "I'll message you," she promises, taking a few steps back towards her friends who are staring very obviously.

She has all the power; he doesn't even have her number. But he's alright with it.

It was small and it felt like nothing, but hearing that she was doing better made his heart flutter.

Luke realizes with a start that she's waiting on a final reply from him before she turns around and joins her friends. So, he offers her a smile and watches in mild horror as his arm comes up through its own volition to grace her with a goofy wave.

But she merely laughs before turning back to her friends.

Luke decides he wants to hear that sound as often as possible.

All in all, his night turned out pretty successful. He can't wait to go tell his boys.

x

To say that Luke, Reggie and Alex weren't glued to Alex's phone for the entire next week would be the biggest lie of any of their lives.

Alex had given his number to producer Lucy Fields; she promised to call and now they were waiting hand and foot. They each know there's a chance she may not call at all and any opportunity they thought they got, disappears forever. But they were all choosing to be optimistic.

The anxiety is overwhelming.

Luke thought pre-gig was bad, but post-gig is so much worse.

He has to keep himself busy or he'll go insane. So, he focuses on his writing and offers to take a few more shifts at Beverly's.

And he has no ulterior motive to pick up some more shifts. None at all.

It isn't like he can hide it from Beverly anyway. Not when he has his nose pressed to the glass window every hour to stare at the tattoo parlour across the street.

"Good Lord," Beverly mutters after the fifth hour. "If you don't get over there within the next five minutes, I'm firing you."

Luke whips around to face her, hiding his laughter. "You wouldn't."

"Honey, watch me."

Luke chuckles, detaching himself from the window. He's being extra, he knows. But it's mostly because Beverly's sighs and reactions are priceless. He doesn't need to stare through a window to get a date; not when he's already gotten it.

"No need, Bev," he sasses, grabbing some window cleaner (it's the least he can do). "I'm going out with her later today."

Beverly's eyebrows rise so high, they disappear under her hair. She looks so surprised, Luke wants to laugh. "How did you manage that?"

"Saw her at my last gig," he shrugs, hiding a smile. "You know how charming I am, Bev, it was only a matter of time."

Beverly rolls her blue eyes. "Do you need to leave early to change into a date-worthy outfit?"

Luke glances down at his outfit; his signature black ripped jeans, a distressed white band t-shirt and his plaid jacket hanging across the counter. It's normal Luke attire so he isn't sure what brought on the question. "I was just going to wear this?"

Beverly stares at him for a moment before folding her lips to hide a smirk. "Well, you may as well show her what she's getting."

Clearly Beverly woke up today on attack mode.

Earlier this morning, Julie shot Luke a quick text message. They had been texting ever since the day after Luke's gig, but they were solely feeling each other out, and hadn't made any concrete plans. But it had been a week now, and Julie figured it was time.

Luke awoke to a simple text message from Julie, asking if he wanted to grab a coffee after she was done work. It was the best wakeup call, better than a splash of water across his face. He promised to meet her outside of work since he'd be helping out today too and now he was counting down the minutes.

Coffee was a good start.

It's simple, close to their comfort zones and who doesn't love coffee?

Luke still hasn't heard from Lucy so he's grateful for any distraction.

When the time came, he grabs his jacket, places a sloppy kiss on Beverly's cheek and crosses the street with a grin on his features. He leans against one of the light posts, waiting diligently.

When a man with jet black hair piled on top of his head exits, he hears him yell, "Night Jules! Don't forget to lock up!" He makes brief eye contact with Luke and he seems to recognize him from his gig the other night. He nods his head at Luke, glancing back at Julie before walking off.

Luke swears he watches him smirk before he walks away.

But then Julie exits the building and all focus is immediately on her and only her.

She's once again wearing that army green jacket from their first meeting and when she turns to face him, he realizes she's wearing a distressed denim black mini-skirt. She's also wearing a black crop-top and matching black converse. All he wants to think is if all tattoo artists have a black only dress code, but his brain is currently short-circuiting at all the soft skin he wasn't expecting to see.

It's only when he spots the tattoo located on her upper thigh that he realizes he might have to hold onto the light post for support.

"Hey!" Julie greets with the softest smile. She turns around again to lock the front door and Luke lets out an embarrassing puff of air. Get your shit together, Luke, he thinks to himself. "It's nice to see you again."

Julie debates for a moment if she should hug him but ultimately decides against it. He already seems a little pale, so she opts to nod her head in the direction of the coffee shop.

"How are you?" The words Luke has been chanting in his brain finally make it out past his lips, and he turns to gouge her reaction. His hands are stuffed into the front pockets of his jeans as they walk. The itch to hold her hand is strong but, not yet.

Julie nods her head, smiling. That's always a good sign. "It was a good week. Really busy." She eyes his covered arms. "You sure you don't want some ink?"

"Pretty sure we decided after the first date only."

Julie's intrigued eyes turn to him, amusement lighting them up. "Right. I think we did."

Luke stops to open the door to the coffee shop and waits for Julie to enter before he goes in after her. It's surprisingly not busy, considering the usual post-work buzz, but he likes it better like this. It's a full service shop and by the time Luke and Julie take a seat and pull off their jackets, a friendly waitress is already waiting to take their order.

His gaze is automatically drawn to her displayed tattoos and he nearly forgets to relay his order to the waitress.

"Hey, so, before we get into the first date small talk, I just want to be completely transparent with you."

Luke's smile dims just a smidge. It isn't the greatest way to start a conversation, but he's obviously going to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"That day we first met," Julie takes a full breath, actively avoiding eye contact. She doesn't have to tell him this, but she feels as if he deserves to know. "It wasn't my finest hour. I don't normally snap at employees who are just doing their job, I promise."

Luke nods in accordance.

"That day happened to be the fifth anniversary of the death of my mom."

All the colour from Luke's face drains. He planned to let her finish speaking before he said anything, but he just had to jump in with an, "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you," Julie replies with a sad smile. "I've never been good at dealing with that day and I haven't been able to visit her grave properly ever since but my family was hounding me to visit, and she loves dahlias —" Julie's eyes glaze over, so caught up in her own thoughts. "She loved dahlias and I always try to keep some in the house. Beverly helps with that. I just wanted you to know it was an off-day for me, but I do have some baggage I don't totally know how to handle and I think it's fair you know that before you get overly invested."

Oh, but he already is.

Instead of saying something right away, Luke places his hand on the table, palm up. An invitation if she wants it.

"You didn't have to tell me any of that, but I appreciate it," Luke says softly. His pulse quickens when she intertwines their fingers together. "That's not enough to scare me off. If you don't want to move this forward, that's okay, I understand. But it won't be on my account."

Julie solely stares at their intertwined hands before a smile breaks out onto her features.

As if on cue, their waitress appears with their drinks and they begrudgingly let go of each other.

Now that the hard stuff was out in the open, conversation flows comfortably. Julie is having the time of her life, nearly laughing at every other word that comes out of Luke's mouth. He revels in it; making her laugh is the highlight of his days.

Over an hour passes by and they hardly even notice. They're too busy engrossed in each other. Eventually they decide to take a walk; the conversation is too good to stop, but sitting was becoming exhausting.

It's only when Luke's phone buzzes in his pocket that he realizes how much time has passed. He doesn't reach for his phone because that's rude, but it continues to vibrate incessantly and he has no choice.

He quickly apologizes to Julie, who waves him off.

Luke pulls off to the side and Julie busies herself with checking her own phone. The many vibrations are coming from their Sunset Curve group chat, namely from Alex. Luke's heartbeat picks up before he even opens the messages. His eyes scan the screen quickly. Alex's messages are nearly incoherent, a jumble of words and random letters but Luke quickly understands.

ADFAGDJFSHFNG SFFSVVBAAKG

THEY GOOGLEBS US

WE SIGNGG CONTRATS TOMORROWS

They googled us.

We sign a contract tomorrow.

Luke doesn't mean to stop breathing, but he does. He only dials back into planet Earth when Julie gently touches a hand to his arm. "Luke? Are you okay?" She pulls him closer to the wall.

"I —" He doesn't even know how to explain it. His jaw can't seem to close. "We, um  — we met with a producer after our gig. She said she was going to talk to her boss and then call us."

Julie's face immediately lights up.

"That was Alex," Luke continues numbly. "They said they googled us. They want us to sign a contract tomorrow."

Julie's jaw drops in solidarity. "A contract? Like a record deal?"

Luke's neck snaps up to look at her, a smile breaking out over his features.

Holy fucking shit, it's really happening.

"Luke! Congratulations!" Julie immediately launches herself into his arms, boundaries be damned. Luke doesn't mind a single bit, arching his back to lift her off her feet.

He's so happy; he throws all caution out to the wind.

"I've wanted to kiss you since I saw you in the crowd of my show."

Julie's arms lower and her lips split in shock.

The hesitation in her eyes only lasts for a moment.

"I think I have too."

It's all the acknowledgment he needs before he sneaks a hand to cradle her cheek. The sun is slowly setting, but the rays are hitting her cheeks just right. Her dark eyes drop to his lips before they fan closed across her cheeks. Luke sucks in a deep breath, then gently presses his lips against hers, slotting his lips perfectly in between.

It's short, simple, sweet and chaste.

Luke isn't trying to overdo it on their first date. He wasn't even planning on kissing her today, to be perfectly honest. But inspiration and opportunity struck, and he couldn't help himself.

He's pleasantly surprised when Julie secures his head with both hands and surges forward to capture his lips once again. This kiss is nothing like the first; Julie is completely in control, and when her tongue slips into his mouth, chaste isn't really the word he'd use to describe it.

His eyes are easily hooded when she pulls away with a smirk.

And she believed he wasn't invested yet?

"Thought you deserved a proper congratulations. It's not everyday you score a record deal."

Luke swallows harshly, hand crawling into the hair on the back of his head. "Appreciate that," he coughs out.

God, he really needs to learn to be much smoother around her.

As much as Julie enjoys his company and would like to spend even more time with him, this is a special moment for him and it wasn't her he should be with.

Julie lets her hand slide down his arm, squeezing his wrist gently. "I had fun today. But I think you should go be with your band."

An excited grin spreads across his face as he leans down and presses a sloppy kiss to her cheek; Julie can only giggle. "Thank you!" He excitedly taps her nose before starting to run away. He turns momentarily and shouts, "I'll call you!" Then he runs off, leaving Julie laughing.

x

Julie doesn't expect one of the worst days of her life to lead to the best.

But it does.

Luke is infectious. He invades her life so easily and he fits, regardless of the differences.

He understands her baggage and he gives her the time and space necessary to heal. She learns his triggers and recognizes when he needs her and when he needs space. They're respectful of each other's boundaries and it's what makes their relationship work.

Luke surprises her every day.

Sometimes he'll crawl into bed late at night, when Julie has already snoozed off from a long day at work. He'll do his best not to wake her but he misses her all day and can't wait to tell her he wrote a new song. About her. Because all his songs are about her.

When he finds himself in a writing mood, Julie will sit next to him, binging the latest tv show or playing BuzzFeed quizzes on her phone. It doesn't matter what she does, he just needs her there next to him as his inspiration. Sometimes her presence is a distraction more than anything and he'll throw his songbook to the side, pressing his lips to her neck as she loses herself in a fit of giggles.

She's there when their first album is officially released. She's there at their first official show under the new label. She's always cheering him on backstage, his good luck charm.

When they go on their first official tour, she can't attend because she can't leave her work for that long (not that he would want her to anyway, he understands how much she loves her job). It's the first time they're apart for that long, and it hurts but they're mature about it. Instead, they fill the time with late-night phone calls and FaceTime sessions. When he surprises her at home a day early, she nearly throws the bowl she wiping down at his face, then hurriedly jumps into his awaiting arms.

And it isn't often, but sometimes they fight. They're both especially opinionated and like to get in the last word. When it comes to each other, it can sometimes get heated and often they may say something they don't actually mean. Julie loves to sneak out onto the balcony after a fight; the breeze helps her cool down and look at things with more clarity. Luke can't stand the thought of Julie being angry with him, so it never took long before he followed her out onto the balcony. She would quickly crawl into his inviting lap, they would apologize to each other and talk about things more rationally. Sometimes, all it took was the cold breeze and Luke's soft lips against Julie's temple to calm them down.

It's the relationship they've both always dreamed about but never thought they could actually have.

Sure, Luke's fame sometimes comes with a price, but their love for each other trumps everything else.

He eventually allows Julie to ink his skin like she's expressed so many times she would love to do. He gets a matching Sunset Curve tattoo on his bicep with Alex and Reggie; it's simple, just their logo. He trusts Julie and only Julie to do it; he doesn't need anyone witnessing his pain and she's already too far gone to leave him solely because he nearly passes out from a tattoo.

(She also distracts him with soft kisses and no one else could do that.)

When he walks by a jewellery store one day and the pull is too strong to ignore, he knows with one-hundred percent certainty that this is the path he wants to take.

And when he drops to one knee at the most inconvenient of times because she found the velvet box hidden at the bottom of his sock drawer, his plans for a fancy proposal escape his mind immediately. Her hands fly to cover the gasp escaping her mouth, eyes clouding with tears.

Her answer is yes, always yes.

And every year when the anniversary of Rose's death comes around, Luke looks to Julie for guidance on what she needs. It takes time and strength, but with Luke's help, she's able to visit her mother's grave, drop off some dahlias and tell Luke all about the goddess that used to be her mother.

He often wishes he got the chance to meet her because he knows he would have loved her. Every time he visits Rose's grave, he silently promises to love and honour her daughter for as long as he lives. He hopes that's enough to help her soul continue to rest in peace.

At every visit, Julie would wrap her arm around Luke's and lean her head against his shoulder.

He never realizes it originally, but Julie believes her mom is responsible for their meeting, and she makes sure to thank her every visit.

"Thank you, mom," she murmurs quietly. "Thank you for bringing Luke to me."

[kingreywrites]

The Smolder Tragedy

Fandom: Tangled

Word Count: 3314

Summary: A very concussed and very out of it Eugene Fitzherbert comes to a devastating conclusion about his smolder. His kidnappers are not all that sympathetic about it.

Note: that title is so corny god asgfdgh anyway, this is a self-indulgent hurt/comfort fic, but there’s quite a bit of hurt!! So be warned that there is talk of a concussion, some violence (because he’s kidnapped), and also a mention of spiked water (he’s mostly fine though but I’d rather be safe)

Read on ao3

Now that he was thinking about it, Eugene realised that the smolder never... truly worked on anyone. Well, when he was younger, adults tended to go easier on him if he made a somewhat cute face at them, and in the following years, doing it never hurt his chances with the people who were already attracted to him. But neither of these facts actually attested of the efficiency of the smolder in itself, and if Rapunzel was left particularly unimpressed, Eugene wasn't sure anyone had ever really swooned because of it.

Oh, the demon Rapunzel from the weird mirror dimension did swoon that one time. Was that a good sign, or a bad one?

"The hell are you talking about?" someone growled, entering the room loudly and making Eugene's headache worse, if that was even possible.

That guy was one of the reasons Eugene was thinking about his smolder's actual abilities - or lack thereof. Because see, if the smolder worked, which he was now doubting, he could simply use it on this guy, and that would make him swoon, and Eugene would use the distraction to get free from the chair he was tied on, and get out of here quickly. But Eugene didn't think the smolder would work. Not because Mr Beetle here (lovingly named after the bug which landed on his head during Eugene's kidnapping - he'll get to that part later) was immune to his charms, but because maybe... perhaps... the smolder had never been effective?

This was devastating news. Truth really was the heaviest burden a man could bear.

Beetle grabbed his hair and pulled his head back roughly, making Eugene see stars and forget, for a moment, the whole smolder dilemma. But then he was being yelled at things he could barely understand between the buzzing in his ears and the concussion he got earlier - without forgetting the stuff they made him drink that made his head all fuzzy and his thoughts completely muddled - and he couldn't help but wonder if he could smolder his way out of here. That'd be nice. It had been what, four days since they got their hands on him? Five? Eugene was bored now.

"If-," he coughed, feeling like the hoarse voice he could hear wasn't his own, "if I tried to seduce you, would you break my nose?"

Going by the way his head was slammed back again, Eugene took it as a yes. That was a shame, truly. He knew that his life was different today, that he had changed for the better and was now the Captain of Corona's Guard, so really, he didn't need the smolder - but he loved that silly little trick. It felt like discovering that Santa wasn't real all over again. Not that he ever believed in Santa, since the matrons didn't see fit to talk about that particular tradition when everyone knew that orphans wouldn't get Christmas gifts, but that's what Eugene thought it must feel like.

His head hurt a lot.

A big hand tipped his chin up, since he had been looking at his pants and the stains on them (would he be able to get the blood out?), and he realised that Beetle was trying to make him drink that weird stuff again. The one that made his head feel like it was floating above his shoulders, and made him feel warm in the most disgustingly sweaty way. Eugene hated it. So he kept his lips as tightly closed as he could, and trashed in the chair to make it more difficult on that goon.

This was becoming ridiculous. The fact that he even got kidnapped already hurt enough as it was - they got the best of him after a very exhausting day, and pointed a crossbow at his heart before hitting him so hard over the head he was pretty sure he stayed unconscious for a few hours straight... which Rapunzel would probably think was pretty concerning. For his part, he was more annoyed about the constant headache than anything. Mostly, he couldn't believe he got kidnapped.

He didn't even remember if anyone had seen him, and hoped no one had gotten hurt during the whole ordeal. In any case, he was pretty embarrassed and, to add insult to injury, they didn't even care about him. He was Captain of the Guard for god's sake, you'd think that would make him interesting enough, but no, they only wanted him to pressure the royal family.

Being used as leverage sucked. Thinking that they might hurt the people he loved by using him made him feel sick, even more than their weird drugged water did.

"If you keep being difficult you're gonna regret it," Beetle threatened, and Eugene would have told him that he was the one who would regret stuff soon, if he hadn't been also preoccupied with keeping his mouth shut. Which, ironically, was something people had asked of him a lot in his life, and that he had always refused to do - until someone tried to force him to keep it open. He never did like authority, after all. The matrons would always tell him that he was a troublemaker of the worst kind, and that someday, life would get back at him for the chaos he created. They were yet to be proved right about that one but-

Beetle punched him in the gut, making Eugene gasp and cough in pain, before his nose was pinched and he was forced to swallow the water, nearly choking on it.

"Rude," he noted weakly when it was over, his throat on fire as he heaved. Already, he could feel the fuzziness coming back with a vengeance, his vision blurring at the edges because of whatever mysterious compound they forced him to drink. He'd have to ask Varian about it. The kid would know, certainly, or would at least be excited to research it, and it was fun when Varian was excited. He still had that weird maniacal villain vibe mixed with his genuine and adorable love for sciency things, and that was an interesting combination to see in action.

The door to Eugene's cell was slammed shut and, in the dim light, he understood that he was alone once again. Beetle didn't even say goodbye. It was okay, though, because Eugene didn't think he could have answered without puking - the entire world was swimming in front of his eyes. Closing them only made everything even more unsteady, and now Eugene wondered if he could even try to do a good smolder in that state. He couldn’t feel his face.

His eyes were heavy, and it didn't take long before he passed out again.

------

Next time Eugene woke up, it was to the sound of yelling outside the door of his cell, loud and definitely not the kind of voices he wanted to hear. Maybe it was stupid, but each time he opened his eyes, he hoped to find Rapunzel here, ready to rescue him, but it hadn't happened… yet.

Trying to raise his head only awakened the ache in his neck and back from the terrible position he was in - he hated sleeping on chairs. Being homeless for a good part of his life had taught him that the bare ground was always preferable, but he didn't think he could argue about his sleeping conditions with his kidnappers. He pulled on the rope that was keeping his hands tied behind his back, and noticed that it was giving a little. If he could just-

"Your plan better work!" someone yelled, startling him - but it was still coming from behind the door. "You don't realise what we're risking with this!"

"Of course it'll work! Do you really think that the son-in-law of the King and the husband of the Princess is worthless? They're gonna listen to us because they'll want him back."

That was… touching, in a strange way. Not that Eugene enjoyed being taken for ransom, or whatever it was they wanted to do, but it did remind him that he had a family, and that they would fight to get him back. Rapunzel was probably worried out of her mind, right now, and this was enough to spur him into action again, because he didn't want to simply wait here for rescue like an idiot.

"What if they attack us?" the scared guy yelled again, as Eugene pulled on his bounds again, ignoring the sharp sting of the rope cutting into his skin, and his ever-present nausea. "What if- what if instead of paying, the guards find us and destroy our base?"

In Eugene's opinion, the guards weren't really the threat here - this guy didn't want to know what Rapunzel would do to him if she found them. The thought was enough to make him chuckle, which in turn made him realise that the weird water might still be having an effect on him, because he hadn't managed to keep himself quiet. Not great.

His fingers fumbled with the knot he could feel, trying to get it to loosen even more. Unfortunately, the door of his cell -more like a closet than a cell to be honest- was thrown open, and he had to act as innocent as possible.

Going by the glare he received, he was doing a poor job of it.

The new guy (he'd call him Martin, because he had a Martin face) seemed to enjoy kicking him around a bit more. The only silver lining was that he seemed intent on kicking his ribs, and consequently left his poor head alone. Still not the best, but Eugene would take it. He didn't have much choice anyway, since Martin decided to greet him with his fists today.

"Feeling better yet?" Eugene breathed when he thought it was over. He earned another kick for the trouble.

"You better hope they pay what we ask of them," Martin snarled, way too close for Eugene's comfort. "Because I can't say that I won't enjoy killing you if it comes to that."

"Aww, I'm touched, truly," was all Eugene could say, before a hand ended up around his throat, and he couldn't talk anymore. He vaguely heard Martin threatening him again, but honestly, the guy should realise that it was difficult to be afraid of him when Eugene was barely conscious enough to understand him.

It went down the same way as it always did, these days. Eugene was forced to drink that damned drugged water -it was getting more disgusting each time-, and he couldn't breathe, and the Martin guy said something about hurting Rapunzel, and if you think you're gonna be able to touch her you've got another thing coming you assho-

And Eugene lost consciousness. Again.

------

When he woke up again, Eugene couldn’t breathe. The world was loud, too loud, his vision was swimming and the room spinning under him, and he couldn't- it was as if his breaths were getting stuck in his ribcage, and was he still being choked, what-

"Hey, Eugene, it's okay, look at me-"

Dragging in air painfully, he opened his eyes to a slit, meeting the frantic and oh so green ones of- Rapunzel?

"Come on, it's okay, breathe with me," she said, voice low, and he listened to her - how could he not? For a moment, when it felt like he was still dangerously tethering on the edge of choking, he wondered if she was even real, or if it was all a dream conjured by the lack of oxygen. Then, she brushed his hair back, her palm warm and tangible on his cheek, and it felt real enough that he melted into it.

"That's it," she encouraged him gently, one hand resting lightly on his heaving chest. "That's it, breathe. I won't let them hurt you anymore."

He couldn't hold back a nervous chuckle at that, but going by the pinch of her eyebrows, that wasn't the right reaction. After a few seconds, when he finally felt like his lungs weren't about to explode, he tried to smile at her. It only seemed to worry her more.

Her fingers trailed along his jaw, tracing what he knew were dark bruises on his skin. She went higher, to his hair, and touched something that immediately made him flinch.

"Sorry, sorry, I-" she exclaimed quickly, pushing his hair away again. "I'm gonna get you out of here."

His perceptions were still blurred, as if he was underwater, but he could hear now the sounds of fighting and chaos coming from behind the door. Rescue. He was being rescued - Rapunzel was rescuing him. He knew she would do it.

"Well, I wish I had been a little quicker," Rapunzel said, her voice wobbly.

"You're just in time Sunshine," he whispered, his throat raw.

"Am I?"

He didn't like the self-deprecation in her tone, nor the worry that didn't seem able to leave her features, and he felt guilty for being the cause of it. If he hadn't been kidnapped-

"Eugene? Eugene, stay with me," Rapunzel asked, with an urgency that made him realise he had closed his eyes. Huh. He was dizzy. "I know, I'm sorry, just- I'm gonna free you, okay?"

He blinked, trying to look at her so she would stop sounding so… scared. She was fumbling with the ropes holding his left hand in place. There was the sound of an explosion outside, right as she got rid of the first one, and she threw an indecipherable look at the door.

He wanted… He wanted her to stop looking so sad. He didn't like it when she was sad. Could he do something about it? Well-

"The smolder doesn't work," he mumbled dejectedly. Rapunzel was taking care of his bound legs now, though he didn't remember her freeing his right hand. He moved it slowly, feeling as if the limb wasn't his own, and wondered how much the weird water was still affecting him.

"Weird water?" Rapunzel repeated. He wasn't sure how to not voice all his thoughts aloud, apparently, which he's sure his dad would find amusing.

Since Rapunzel was still looking at him, Eugene took a few seconds to remember her question and simply hummed, head swimming. That seemed to make her even more unhappy, and he could get disliking the water, but he didn't like when Rapunzel was unhappy. "Do you... think the smolder ever, uh... worked?" he asked, trying to distract her.

"I'm sure it did," she answered, in the same gentle tone she used on people she disagreed with.

"It- it never worked on you, though. And it wouldn't have worked on Beetle, or- or- Martin," he pressed. His tongue was heavy in his mouth, and now his feet were free but he really didn't have the energy to try and get up. He didn't want to puke on Rapunzel, too.

She didn't reply. Instead, she looped one of his arms around her neck, and braced her hand against his ribs. He winced, and she apologised quietly, but before he could try to argue that he didn't think he could do it, she made him stand up swiftly, grip tightening around him when his knees inevitably buckled. He closed his eyes tightly, ears ringing painfully and stomach churning, and he was grateful that he could count on Rapunzel to not let him fall on his face.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she kept repeating, adjusting his weight to stop him from sliding down further. "I know it's hard, but I'll get you to safety, I promise, just hang on-"

Eugene could guess that he really didn't look great if she was that desperate to comfort him. To be fair, he didn't feel great either. He could barely follow her words, couldn't stand up on his own, and had to focus all his energy into not being sick as Rapunzel helped him walk. It clearly wasn't his best day.

He tried to regain his footing, so she didn't have to drag him with her, but his legs were shaky and he nearly fell again. He thought Rapunzel was going to toss him over her shoulder and run, which he knew she could do, and he also knew his body wouldn't appreciate as much as usual given his current dizziness, but that was exactly the moment Maximus arrived to the rescue. Or maybe they arrived to Maximus? There were more people around them, more noises and voices too, and Eugene couldn’t follow anything of what was happening. He thought he heard Lance, and felt another hand holding him up, but all he could focus on was Rapunzel being here, and Rapunzel talking to him, and calling his name, his one beacon of light when the pain in his head grew to be too much to bear.

He felt her hand in his, and realised that he had been laid down somewhere. He wanted to reassure her, but couldn’t do much more but feebly squeeze her fingers, hoping she would understand. And then, because he was tired and in pain, and because he knew that, now that she was here, he was going to be okay, Eugene passed out.

------

“You are evil,” Eugene moaned, hiding his face under his pillow while Rapunzel laughed innocently.

"What, I'm trying to help!" she smiled, coming to sit next to him on the bed. He felt the mattress dip under her weight, and took a peek at her, groaning again when he saw how smug she seemed. "I even made flyers and everything!"

She didn't seem to care about the annoyed look he threw her way, instead putting a bunch of papers in his hands. On it, his face, lips pursued and eyebrows raised, with the text asking the people of Corona to come test his “infamous smolder” by themselves. At this moment, Eugene would have preferred to have his old wanted posters thrown in his face - it would be way less embarrassing than… this.

“Come on Eugene, what better way to know for certain than to experiment? You seemed really bummed out about your smolder!”

“I wasn’t in my right mind,” he grumbled. “You can’t hold me accountable for my concussed ramblings!”

Her expression softened at that, and her hand came to caress his cheek, gently trailing up to the bandages still around his wound. Her touch was soft enough to not sting, and he couldn’t keep up his facade of annoyance when it was so obvious she simply wanted to make him laugh.

“I love you, you know?” he breathed, and she had a second to look pleasantly surprised before she leant down and kissed him.

“I love you too, Eugene,” she smiled fondly.

“You’re the only person I care to seduce anyway,” he laughed. “I guess I’ll have to live with the smolder being ineffective.”

“If that helps,” she murmured, climbing fully on the bed to lie down next to him, “I feel pretty seduced by you already.”

“Ah yeah?” he grinned. “Well, I’m pretty seduced by you too, Sunshine. You’re my hero after all,” he said, and though he had intended it as a joke, his tone was too earnest to be mistaken as anything but the truth. He could still see glimpses of guilt in Rapunzel’s expression, when he knew she had done everything in her power to find him as quickly as she could - he’d repeat it as much as she needed to finally see it too.

Rapunzel watched him, before cupping his cheek and bringing their lips together once again. He knew he would need to rest again soon, and that his constant headache would probably spike if he didn’t, but for now, he kissed her back, and it felt like everything was alright again. Because it was, in all the ways that mattered.

She saved him, and they were together - he wouldn’t ask for anything more.

[heytherejulietx]

Haunted ~ Jughead Jones

Masterlists

Requests are OPEN

Notes - Hi so I’m seriously proud of this fic, and even though I feel like all of my Riverdale fics flop I’m super happy with this, so if you could reblog this and get it more reach that’s be amazing. (Also, on a note not related to this, I am working on the requests and I’m so sorry about the wait for them, but I was having trouble writing them so that’s why I wrote this fic. Sorry everyone they’re coming soon!)

Warnings - Pure angst and hurt. Be warned.

Word count - 5.6k.

Riverdale tag list - @idont-knowrn

If you’d like to be added to any tag list please just tell me!

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

~

Everything changed when Jughead moved to the South Side. Of course, she couldn't blame him for moving, she knew he had to. With his dad behind bars for a murder he didn't even commit and not being able to stay at the Andrews household any longer, he didn't have a choice in moving. Living in his dad's trailer was better than staying with a foster family whom he didn't know, though living on opposite sides of town and now attending different schools meant they saw less and less of each other. And to be completely honest, Y/N missed him so much. She missed having him stay over at her house before school since her house wasn't far from Archie's. She missed waking up with him in the mornings, being greeted with lazy kisses and warm hugs. She missed sitting with him in class, helping him in math and getting his help in English literature. She missed after school dates at Pop's; sharing each other's milkshakes and helping him write his novel.

But once he'd moved, the cracks in their relationship started to appear. At first it was just missed phone calls and being left on read, though soon it developed to frequent arguments, being stood up on dates for the Serpents, and just not seeing each other much anymore. It hurt her, because she missed her once perfect boyfriend, who was now so caught up with his new school and his imprisoned father's gang to give any sort of time or attention to her. Maybe it was selfish, but Y/N wanted him to focus on her, and not anybody else, even if just for one night. She could tell that their relationship was headed downhill, though she thought that it would be fixable. They had been through so much already, surely this wouldn't break them apart, right?

~

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's comin' over you like it's all a big mistake

~

Y/N frowned down at the Pop's menu sat on the table in front of her, scowling at the small printed words there. This was the third time he'd missed one of their dates, or just forgotten about it all together. She was guessing it was the latter, as Jughead had been too wrapped up in the Serpents and with Toni Topaz to think of anything else. She was certain that he was getting bored of her, or tired of her company. He was hanging around with a gang now, his people, so surely his plain old north-side girlfriend was getting tiresome? She took a glance out of the window beside her seat, seeing that the sky was darkening into evening - dark oranges and blues swirled together as the sun went down like an artist mixing paint on a canvas. When she'd gotten to Pop's it was still daylight, but he had taken so long to show that now it was getting dark.

Before she knew it, disappointed tears were brimming in her eyes, and a lump was forming in her throat. Why couldn't he just spare a few hours to go and see her? At first, she had given him the time he quite clearly needed, and the benefit of the doubt. He had just moved and he was adjusting, and she got that, but now it had been weeks and there was still no effort put in from his end. It wasn't like he was even a proper member of the Serpents, so she just didn't get it. 

After another few minutes she had paid for the one milkshake she had drank and the one that had been left sitting on the table untouched, that was meant for Jughead, and then left the diner. It was cold outside, the kind of cold that seeped through your clothes and gave you goosebumps. Though she already felt the cold disappointment that had been sticking with her for weeks, now. On the colder days before Jughead had moved, he would give her his denim jacket as they walked to Pop's after school, but just the thought of that now made her want to start crying. She couldn't remember the last time she had been wrapped in his jacket, or even his arms for that matter.

Before she knew what she was doing, Y/N had pulled her phone out and called him, anger washing over her and replacing the sadness she felt. He picked up after six rings. Usually it would only take one.

"Y/N?" He asked, no 'love' or 'baby'. "Can I call you back later? I'm with the Serpents."

"Couldn't you have spared one night from the Serpents to show up to our date?" She scoffed, lifting her free hand to wipe her eyes which were now streaming with tears. 

"What?" Jughead asked, sounding confused. "We didn't have a date today."

"Yes we did." Y/N sniffled, her lip quivering when realising he'd forgotten. "This is the third one you've missed for Christ's sake, Jug. I shouldn't trust anything you even say, anymore."

"I'm sorry I've been busy." He huffed, sounding more irritated than anything.

"Yeah, you're always busy now." She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat. "Too busy to come and see your girlfriend anymore."

"Y/N, come on-" 

Before he could say anymore she cut the call off, not ready to hear it. Once her phone was back in her pocket she covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying, her chest heaving with each choked sob that passed her lips. Soon it hurt, though nothing hurt as bad as the sadness consuming her from realising he didn't love her like he used to.

~

Holding my breath, won't lose you again

Something's made your eyes go cold

~

It was almost midnight when Y/N heard the rumble of a motorbike turning into her street corner, before she heard the noise cut off right outside her house. It wasn't unusual for Jughead to come and see her after a fight, though it was unusual for them to fight so often. The most they had ever argued before the move was when his father had first been arrested, but she understood that he was just so stressed with everything that he was lashing out at people. Though this was different.

Y/N hadn't moved from her bed since she had gotten home. She hadn't even changed out of her clothes, she had just gotten into her bed and cried. She was still crying by the time she heard her window being pushed open further and someone stepping into her room. Y/N had the covers over her head so she couldn't see him approaching, though she felt the bed dip when he sat down beside her, and felt his hand rubbing her back through the covers. She sat up just enough to turn and move her arms around him, pressing her face into his chest as she started crying again, holding onto him tightly.

"I'm sorry." She heard him whisper into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body, which only made her cry harder. Did he really mean that? She couldn't be sure.

"Do- do you still love me?" Y/N couldn't help but ask through the tears, needing to know. It felt like he didn't, or that he was loving her less and less every day.

"Of course I still love you." Jughead sighed, his hand lifting to gently run his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry I've been so distant lately, I've been busy sorting out stuff at South Side High and with the Serpents. I really didn't mean to forget about meeting up with you, okay?"

Y/N sniffled a little as she nodded, just holding onto him a little tighter. Whether she completely forgave him or not was a different question, though she was willing to give him another chance to prove that he really did mean what he said. 

"Hey." He said softly, moving his hand underneath her chin to tilt her head upwards. Her red-rimmed eyes locked with his and she watched his expression soften somewhat when he took in her features, though there was something about his eyes that made her stomach swirl with uneasiness. They were just so cold and unlike him. Maybe he didn't really mean what he had said.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

After that night, Jughead had promised to make it up to her and come and see her the following weekend at Pop's. And to be honest, she really needed it. Her week had gone absolutely horribly, with Betty suddenly becoming cold and distant towards her. Y/N couldn't fathom why Betty had become so cruel to her; she just knew that the last time herself and the Cooper girl had spoken, it had ended in a long string of insults from Betty then her walking off. So she could really do with her boyfriend's comfort, after her best friend clearly didn't want to be around her anymore.

Y/N sipped on her milkshake at Pop's as she waited for Jughead to show up, his drink sat untouched opposite her on the other side of the table. Once she had hit the ten minute mark she began to grow worried that he wasn't going to show, but thankfully she spotted him pulling into the parking lot of Pop's after she had heard the rumble of his motorcycle outside. A smile was painted over her lips as she waited for him to walk inside, though it quickly faded once she had caught sight of him.

His face was full of cuts and bruises, most of them looking extremely painful. At first she had been worried that he had been in a fight with somebody at his school, though her stomach sank when seeing the leather jacket he was wearing. The leather Serpents jacket.

He had clearly caught sight of her expression, as Jughead sighed as he slipped into the seat opposite her own. "Y/N, I meant to tell you-"

"That you'd joined the gang you told me you wouldn't?" She whispered, her eyebrows furrowed with disbelief. "Why would you do that? They're dangerous, Jug, they're a biker gang. Are you kidding me?"

"They aren't dangerous." He frowned. "They're like family."

"They're like family?" She scoffed. "Oh, and I'm not anymore?"

"Hey, I didn't say that." Jughead frowned a little more.

"Maybe you didn't say it, but you've been meaning it for weeks!" She practically exploded, sitting up in her seat as her waterline burned with the build up of tears again. "When was the last time we both properly hung out together, hm? Or ate dinner together? Or even spoke to each other without arguing?"

"I told you I've been busy, with-"

"With the Serpents, yeah I know." Y/N scoffed. "You never have time for me anymore, and that's all I'm asking for. I miss you, Jug. You could have at least told me that the reason you were too busy to spare a few hours for me is because you were joining a fucking gang."

"What is your issue with the Serpents?" He snapped defensively, making her flinch at the harshness of his voice.

"You said you wouldn't join them, you promised me, remember that?" She asked. "Oh, but maybe you don't, since you seem to be forgetting a lot recently." She huffed, lifting a hand to wipe away the tears that had started falling. "They are dangerous, Jughead, have you even looked in the mirror recently? If you had to do that to join then what else might you have to do now that you're involved?"

"Will you give it a rest?" Jughead snapped, causing her to flinch once more. "Like it or not, I'm a Serpent now, okay? And I'm sorry that since I have this thing called responsibilities now that I can't spend every minute of the day with you." 

"I didn't say that, Jug." She whispered, more tears falling. "I just miss you, we never see each other anymore and when we do it's... it's like you're a different person."

"Yeah? Well if I'm so different then why don't you just find yourself a new boyfriend, then. One that fits the criteria." Jughead scowled as he got out of his seat, shaking his head as he looked at her.

"Hey, wait." Y/N whispered, also getting out of her seat. "Don't go, Jug, I'm sorry." She whispered, reaching out to touch his arm.

Jughead was still frowning as he pulled away from her touch immediately, shaking his head as he just turned away and walked out of the diner, leaving her stood crying as she watched him leave.

~

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

~

Despite everything Jughead had said, they didn't break up. A few days later Jughead had stopped by her house to apologise, and for once it looked like he meant it. He had been close to tears himself as he ranted to her about everything, but mostly about how sorry he was and how he couldn't stand to lose her. By the end of the conversation she was crying too, and she had agreed to give him another chance. Maybe by this point she should have noticed just how many chances she had given him recently, and saved herself from any future hurt by breaking up with him, though she couldn't do it. She physically couldn't be without him, it pained her to even think about it.

Everything was good for a while. Betty had given her an explanation as to why she had been acting so funny, and definitely one she hadn't been expecting at that - as she had been getting phone calls from the Black Hood - the infamous serial killer who had taken up occupation in Riverdale over the past however many weeks. Whilst it was a complete and utter shock, she had immediately forgiven Betty, as she understood that she had become distant from Y/N so that the Black Hood wouldn't kill her. And things with Jughead had gotten better. Whilst he was still different to the soft and loving boy she had known before the move, he was clearly making an effort, and that mattered a lot to her.

Jughead had been especially better once his father was out of jail. It was a huge relief for everybody to have FP out, and whilst his return meant Jughead having to step up as Serpent King, Y/N was making an effort to try and understand the Serpents more, so she had been helping Jughead plan FP's retirement party in the Whyte Worm.

Though she had also been meeting up with Toni Topaz there, who was helping her learn the Serpent dance for her own initiation. 

Whilst she still wasn't too fond of the Serpents, she wanted to be there for Jughead to make sure he didn't end up getting hurt or imprisoned like his father, so she had agreed to do the extremely sexist 'Serpent dance' and partially join the gang to keep an eye on her boyfriend.

Even though she wanted to keep him safe, on the night of the party she felt horrible. On her way to the bar she felt nauseated at even just the thought of stripping into lingerie and dancing in front of a whole bar of gang members, but once she was there she felt even worse. The smell of alcohol once she had walked into the building was sickening, and it only made her worse. She was almost convinced enough to leave altogether, though once she saw her boyfriend approaching she knew there was no way of getting out of it now.

"Hey." He smiled once he had reached her, planting his hands at her waist as he leaned down to give her a kiss - thankfully the action helped calm her a little. "You look amazing."

The compliment made her blush a little, as she was only wearing a peach skirt and white blouse, though she couldn't help but wonder what he would be thinking later once she had revealed what she was dressed in underneath the good-girl outfit.

Soon the party was in full swing, and somehow she had managed to lose Jughead in the crowd, though she had managed to find Toni sat at the bar instead. Whilst she wasn't extremely fond of the Topaz girl, she was grateful that she had wanted to help her out with the dance.

"Hey north-sider." Toni greeted once she had sat at the bar, stood on the other side of it. "How're you feeling?"

"Like I'm about to throw up or pass out." Y/N told her, scanning the room for a moment before looking back at the pink-haired girl. "Give me something." She tapped the bar, hoping a drink would help. She didn't even drink - but Y/N was hoping that some alcohol would help calm her nerves.

"Are you sure?" Toni asked as she started pouring a liquor into a shot glass for her. "You don't exactly look like you can hold your drink."

"Please, I need some confidence right now, and if that means drinking to get some then so be it." She sighed.

"Alright then." Toni placed the glass on the bar in front of her, looking a little concerned.

Y/N lifted the glass and eyed the liquid for a moment before lifting it to her lips and knocking back the whole drink in one. It burned it's way down her throat and made her start to cough at the horrible feeling, though despite that she put the glass back on the bar and tapped it, signalling that she wanted another.

"Another?" Toni asked. "Are you sure? Maybe that's not the best idea."

"Please, Toni. I won't be able to do this completely sober." She sighed.

Toni just nodded and started to pour her another one, though as she did Y/N's attention was soon locked on the stage a little away from the bar, seeing Veronica and Archie stood there with the Karaoke machine that Y/N had managed to hire for the party earlier in the week. Tearing her gaze away she took the second shot pretty quickly. It still burned horribly on the way down, though she didn't start coughing again. By the time she had taken her third shot, Veronica and Archie had ran off of the stage mid-song, and Y/N had left the bar to quickly move onto the stage, once Toni had said that it was now or never.

Once she was up on the stage she had managed to meet Jughead's confused eyes in the sea of people, and somehow she didn't tear her gaze as she started singing the rest of the song as she unbuttoned her blouse. Y/N tried her best to look seductive and confident as she stripped herself of her clothes and started dancing, and the alcohol did help a lot with that. She was able to focus solely on the dancing as she moved over to the pole on the middle of the stage and spun around it twice, before lowering herself down onto the floor in front of it. The mass amount of people watching her didn't even phase her as she had moved back to the microphone to sing the last few notes of the song, though once she met Jughead's eyes again she felt her stomach sink with nausea. He had that same cold look in his eye again, the one that looked like he had lost all of his love for her.

After the dance was over Y/N had left with her clothes to change in the bathroom of the Wyrm, missing the speech that FP had started as afterwards she went to stand outside by Jughead's motorbike to cool off. It wasn't long before she spotted Jughead walking out of the back entrance of the bar to come and join her, his expression one she couldn't even read. She could just see that he was not happy, not at all.

"Hey," She said softly as he approached, though was met with no reply once he was stood in front of her. "What's wrong? Was it the dance?"

"It's everything." His voice broke as he shook his head. "And yeah. Why would you do that?"

"I wanted to be a part of this." She told him. "The Serpents, your world."

"Why?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he frowned at her. The expression made her uneasy, as it was one she was all too familiar with recently. "Archie knew to cut bait. Now I'm dragging you down. I'm dragging my dad down."

"He's still figuring it out." She told him softly, trying to muster up a genuine sympathetic smile. "And it's gonna be okay, we'll figure out whatever we have to do together." Y/N reached out to place her hands on his chest, though frowned when he had immediately stepped backwards.

"No, Y/N. Mm-Mm." He shook his head. "Not together."

The words struck her like he had just slapped her around the face. Her head tilted a little as a sudden coldness rushed over her body, nausea swirling around her stomach once again. Was he really about to break up with her?

"Y/N, if you stay, I don't know if I can protect you anymore. You might get-" Jughead paused as he ran a hand over his mouth, before planting both of them on her shoulders. "You probably will get hurt. I can't let that happen to you."

Y/N felt her waterline burning with a build up of tears as she stared back at him, starting to shake her head. "That's not your decision to make." She practically whispered.

"Actually, yeah it is." He stepped backwards as he spoke, the painful cold gaze returning to his eyes. 

"How many times, Jug?" Y/N asked as the tears started falling down her cheeks, her voice becoming wobbly with emotion. "How many times are we going to push each other away?" She gave a light push to his chest as she spoke, taking in a light breath as she tried to stop the tears. 

"Until it sticks." The harshness in his voice just made more tears fall as her expression crumpled. "This was my dad's one chance at going straight, and I wrecked it. I'm not going to destroy you, too." He moved to turn and walk away, though Y/N started following instead.

"Just tell me what happened, Jug." Her voice broke as she moved to grab his jacket and turn him around, tears cascading down her face faster as she reached up to cup his face in her hands. "Tell me."

"Please," His voice was weak, and she could see that he was holding back tears, too. "Go home."

Jughead stared at her for another moment before pulling away from her hold, and turning away to walk back into the bar. Y/N couldn't stop the oncoming wave of sobs as she watched him walk away and head back into the bar, her heart aching as she covered her face with her hands. She felt like somebody had just ripped out her chest. He wasn't her's anymore, and she wasn't his.

~

He will try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishin' he was you instead

~

The next day, Y/N had found out on the same night that Veronica had broken up with Archie too. She had been at Pop's trying to fight back a fresh wave of tears, when Archie had taken a seat beside her and started up a conversation with her. She eventually just broke into a fresh wave of tears as she tried explaining to Archie what had happened, and he had moved his arms around her to hug her, trying to comfort her in the best way he could. Though it felt wrong - his arms felt different to Jughead's, they were more muscular and harder. That fact alone just made her cry harder as she held onto Archie, as she wished it was Jughead sat with her instead. But she couldn't seem to let go of Archie - needing the reassuring contact even if it wasn't from the right person. So she just held onto him tightly as she cried, silently wishing it was Jughead instead.

~

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

~

Y/N returned to Pop's the day after, hoping to catch Archie there again. Though as she had walked though the doors of the diner, instead of seeing her red-haired friend, she saw Toni sat at the table beside her usual one instead. She frowned as she looked at her, knowing she probably knew about what her gone down between herself and Jughead at FP’s retirement party. She had tried to walk part Toni without being noticed, though just sighed when she heard her call her name.

“Y/N?” She asked, causing the girl to force a smile as she turned to face her. “Listen, I’m sorry about what happened between you and Jug at the party.”

“It’s fine.” Y/N shook her head. It wasn’t fine, far from it, but she wasn’t about to stand and talk to Toni Topaz about her feelings, of all people. “It’s probably been a long-time coming.” She sighed.

“Listen, I-“

“Y/N?” Another voice came from behind her, an all too familiar voice, causing Y/N to frown as she turned around and saw Jughead stood there. She hadn’t seen him since the night he’d broken up with her, and hadn’t planned on seeing him for a long while, knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Though instead of tears of sadness filling her eyes like she thought would happen, angry tears filled them together as she put two and two together. She glanced between him and Toni, and just shook her head as the tears started falling. He was meeting up with her, not even three days after they had broken up.

“Nice.” She whispered. “Rub salt in the wound, why don’t you?”

“What?” Jughead asked, before his eyes widened as he looked at Toni before back at her. “Y/N-“

“I don’t want to hear it, Jughead.” Y/N shook her head as the tears fell faster, quickly stepping past him and towards the exit of the diner to head outside. Her vision quickly became blurred with tears as she walked, breathing becoming a difficult task as she pushed back any verbal cries trying to escape.

“Y/N wait!” Jughead called after her. “It’s not what you think, please.”

Y/N turned around to face him as she started full-on crying, despite trying not to. “No, Jughead, I don’t care!” She shouted through her tears, her whole body starting to shake. “Just leave me alone, okay? I can’t be around you right now.”

Whilst Jughead stumbled over his words trying to say something, Y/N just turned around and walked away as she started sobbing freely.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

By the time Y/N had gotten home, she was a mess. Her chest hurt with each rough cry that passed her lips but she couldn’t stop. Weeks of emotional torture she’d endured, watching Jughead fall out of love with her, and just as things had started to seem okay he’d broken up with her. He had said it was to protect her, because he couldn’t let her get hurt, but was that really the reason? Or was he really just not in love with her? And wanted to be with Toni instead?

Once she had managed to get to her room she just slammed the door and fell to her floor, her hands covering her face as she hunched over. Everywhere hurt; her chest, her throat, her eyes, her heart. She felt like screaming, screaming for hours until her throat was raw and she couldn’t make anymore noise. Though she couldn’t physically stop the sobs long enough to even try to scream.

Her hands were shaking once she’d moved them from her face to plant them on her bedroom floor to stable herself, the shakes travelling up her arms and through her body until her entire frame was quivering with the agonising pain she felt. The tears couldn’t seem to stop, either. It felt like she had been crying ever since the break up, and for the most part she had.

“You’re not gone.“ She sobbed, hitting the floor with her palms before hunching over again as she continued crying. “You can’t be gone!“ The words mixed in with her crying to the point where she sounded like a wounded animal, begging for death. And in a way, she felt like it. Y/N didn’t think she could survive without Jughead by her side.

~

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Never ever thought I'd see it break

Never thought I'd see it

~

Another week passed before she saw Jughead again. The first time she had seen him after the break up it had been an accident, though this time he had asked to meet up with her, and for some reason said yes. Y/N tried telling herself that she had agreed to go simply because she was curious about what he had to say, though the real reason was because she was hoping he wanted to meet up with her to get back together.

For once, Jughead was there before her, though the scene looked so odd. For a start, he wasn’t even wearing his signature beanie - just the Serpent jacket that looked so foreign to her. And there was nothing on the table. Usually when they met up, whoever got there first would get each other’s favourite milkshakes. Though the only thing there was an untouched Pop’s menu.

“Hey.” Jughead said softly once she had sat in the seat opposite him, not beside him as usual. “I’m glad you came. I wouldn’t have put it past you if you didn’t.”

“What did you want to talk about?” She asked, just wanting to get it over and done with. Whilst she wasn’t crying herself to sleep every night anymore or tearing up at the mention of his name, she still didn’t trust herself to be with him for too long, in fear of setting off her uncontrollable flow of emotions.

“I just...” Jughead sighed. “I wanted to say I was sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you about it. I probably could have done it all in a nicer way to make it easier for the both of us. And, I just wanted to say that I wasn’t meeting up with Toni last week in the way that you thought. Really, Y/N, she just wanted to make sure I was okay.”

Y/N scoffed quietly as she shook her head, a sad smile making it’s way to her face. “And I was thinking you wanted to get back together.” She whispered, though he heard her.

Seeing his eyebrows furrow and the shake of his head was enough to make her eyes brim with tears again as a lump formed in her throat.

“Y/N, I can’t do that.” He whispered, reaching across the table to take her hands in his. “You’re in too much danger with me, I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“I can handle it, Jug.” She tried telling him, though her throat was clogged up with tears and it made talking an extremely difficult task. “I can handle it, please can we just try.” Tears starter falling as her voice broke, her hands tearing from his as they flew to cover her face. After a moment she felt the seat dip beside her as he sat down, his arms winding around her and pulling her into him as she started crying.

“Please don’t leave me.” She started crying, the sound of her heart breaking almost louder than her cries. Almost. “Please, Jug, this can’t be over, I never thought I’d see this break, please.”

Jughead was stiff as he rubbed her arm gently, letting his lips linger on her forehead as a way of trying to comfort her. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his own voice thick. “I have to. Y/N.”

At that she just started crying harder as she held onto him, trying to soak up his hold, his touch, everything, as she knew once he left she wouldn’t ever get it again. She turned to be completely pressed into him as she sobbed into the cold uncomfortable leather of his jacket, trying to hold onto him for as long as possible. Though she knew everything was over, and she couldn’t even take the thought. She couldn’t stand to live without Jughead in her life, she just didn’t want to.

She was haunted.

[dyaz-stories]

Comfortember Day one: Rescue — Izayoi x Toga

My first entry for @comfortember​! I’ll be (trying to) follow their prompts for the month. I’m also counting this for Inuvember because it is still Inuyasha content  ^-^ Hope you enjoy this!

(I’m totally blaming this one on @heavenin--hell​ for getting me and everyone else so on board with this ship eheh)

It was fascinating to Izayoi, how some events were entirely due to chance. She didn’t have to be out that day, and in fact, it was almost a miracle that she was, because her father usually didn’t let her leave the palace, unless she was under heavy guard. She didn’t have to wander away from the path, and in fact, when her maids had called after her in panic, she had almost turned around, because she didn’t want to cause them any trouble. She didn’t have to hear the brief groan of pain coming from somewhere on her right, could have missed it very easily in the noises of the forest, nor did she have to go check it out, hoping to provide help to whoever or whatever was responsible for it.

And yet she had.

Someone else would have said something about fate, about destiny, but Izayoi had never cared much for such stories. The only guiding hand in her life, the one who had decided what her ‘destiny’ would be, was no divinity. He was her father, and he would be the one ruling over her choices, whether she liked it or not. There was nothing even remotely mystical about that.

Still, even she would begrudgingly admit that when she had climbed onto that mound and met Toga’s eyes for the first time, there had been something magical in the air. His eyes were golden and defiant. Instead of being horrified, scared, or disgusted, as she should have, she’d been intrigued.

Izayoi looked at him carefully. She took in his white hair, held up in a ponytail, his armor, his golden eyes, the blue stripes that marked his cheeks, the slightly pointy ears, and most importantly, the string of ofudas tied around him. All of this indicated a powerful demon, someone who she should be staying away from at all costs, and on whom she should probably call guards. In fact, she thought as her eyes fell down onto the sword he wore at his side, if she killed him right now, she might be able to forever change the way her father intended to write her destiny.

She reached out for the pommel, and the man groaned louder, trying to prevent her from taking it out, but he was unable to move. She frowned when she saw how blunt the blade was.

“How can you fight with that?” she asked, mostly for herself.

“A great fighter can make do with everything,” the demon replied, and his voice was deep and pleasant.

“And you’re a great fighter?”

He nodded, and managed to lift a corner of his lips to form a half-smirk, despite the pain. His eyes never left the blade.

“The best.”

Izayoi smiled back, not particularly impressed by the declaration. If there was one thing she had learned about men in her years of existence, it was that they had a tendency to brag about their abilities.

“You’re a dangerous man, then”

It wasn’t a question.

“I am.”

“So should I call my men on you?”

He rose an eyebrow.

“You are only followed by three women who are looking for you as we speak. By the time you can get anyone here, I will be free.”

At least he hoped so. The ofudas were surprisingly powerful — it had been years since the last time such a trick had had any effect on him — and he wasn’t sure if he would exhaust himself before they lost their ability, but she had no way of knowing that.

“Should I kill you myself, then?” Izayoi asked.

The blade came to press against his neck, and Toga was very careful not to bat an eye. Her smell wasn’t telling him half as much as he wanted to know. The woman didn’t seem murderous, as far as he could tell, but he knew that didn’t mean much. Kimi, his former partner, never smelled murderous until after her hands were already coated in your blood.

“You shouldn’t,” he said. “It would be as regrettable for my people as it would be for yours. I have no interest in conflicts with humans. The same cannot be said about many others of my kind.”

The blade fell from his neck to come rest on his shoulder.

“Then how did you find yourself covered in ofudas?”

He tilted his head to the side.

“I’m afraid that story is not quite suitable for a young woman like you.”

Izayoi scoffed and rolled her eyes, but there was a smile dancing on her mouth, almost despite herself.

“Please tell me you did not sleep with a monk’s woman.”

“Then I will not tell you, but I do feel I should say that she did not mention that until he was already walking in the room.”

This time, it was a small laugh that fell from her lips, and it mesmerized Toga, in a way he could not quite explain. There was nothing special about it, and yet— and yet he could not look away.

“That’s just grand,” she said. “Such a great demon and fighter, falling prey to something that simple.”

Behind her, one of her maid’s worried voice called out her name, and she looked over her shoulder. Toga felt somewhat insulted by the movement. She had to have known never to turn her back on a predator, and the fact that she felt she could do that was a very unpleasant reminder of his current condition.

“I would appreciate if you could at least give me back my sword before you go fetch your guards. For the sake of fairness.”

Izayoi looked back at him, and again, Toga completely failed to read her. Maybe it was the ofudas that incapacitated him, but regardless, he had no idea what she has about to do until she lifted the sword. His eyes went wide, and he tried to push on his legs to move out of the way, but they just weren’t responding, and it was already too late to—

In one swift, precise move, the blade cut the rope. Toga was on his feet before the ofudas had even touched the floor.

“I would advise against staying in those woods for the night,” Izayoi said, handing him back his sword. “My men will be looking for a far more definitive result.”

All Toga could do was stare at her. He was truly fascinated now. Slowly, he reached out for the sword, brushing against her fingers for just an instant.

“Thank you,” he said, bowing his head.

Izayoi just nodded, already taking a step back. Now, with him towering over her, armed, she didn’t feel as brave as she had before.

“My name is Toga,” he called out. “If we are ever to meet again…”

“I’ll remember,” she promised, with no doubt in her mind that that would not happen.

With that, she was gone, and Toga watched as her scent lingered in the air behind her and on his sword. From that moment, he knew.

That woman would not be an easy one to forget.

[hitsuackerman]

Feelings...? (Kageyama x Reader)

A/n: its pretty clear that my Kageyama-simping was strong. So w/o further ado, here is a one shot with self indulgent fluff for our blueberry setter 💙🏐

Word count: 4.6k (thats a lot for me xD...)

Prompt: Kageyama has a bit of trouble relaying his feelings. Y/N is somehow oblivious. With the small help from the Karasuno Volleyball Team, Kags now faces the ultimate challenge of confessing these so called... feelings.

It was a miracle.

Sure, he had the help of ALL the Karasuno Volleyball Team members (Coach Ukai included), reality still had not sunk in his system. How was he supposed to function when your flustered wide-eyed face was right in front of him? He could feel his eye twitching and mouth forming a rather awkward (sinister, as Hinata would label it) grin.

“I-I have s-something to tell y-you!” Those were the words that he stuttered out. Never in his life did he feel this drained of energy. In the corner of his eyes, he could see everyone snickering at his demeanor. He couldn’t help it. In an attempt to hide his red face, he bowed a perfect 45 degree angle. His sports bag hitting him right in the face.

“Tch. Looks like The King fears rejection…” Tsukki snickered, earning a knife chop to the head by Suga. The rest of the team hushed them in hopes that they would not be exposed. Somehow, the banters they made had not been noticed.

The mutual pinning had been going on for months. It was rather painful to watch as he would become an awkward baby crow each time you would step inside the gym to help out Kiyoko and Yachi. Though you were not an official manager, it was just something that you did during your free time.

If you put it into thought, your little feelings towards the setter was all because of those 2 women. You never intended to join or let alone assist, but your blonde friend had managed to pull you into her scheme. There was only room for one, but Kiyoko saw it as alright for you to observe.

Did you know anything about Volleyball? Nope. With two left feet, the only thing you could excel in were the arts. Sketching, Painting, and even the occasional Digital Art was your forte. The only calloused part your finger had was where your pen would rest.

Were you popular with the boys? Somewhat. You were oblivious enough not to notice how a handful of boys, senpai’s included, would linger their stares towards you. The way you bowed your head and tucked stray hairs behind your ear always made them feel jittery in their stomachs. The only thing stopping them was Yachi herself. She knew you had no interest in crushes, so she thought at least.

When the three of you entered the gym, the familiar scent of Salonpas and man sweat filled your nostrils.

“So, you’ve found a new person!” The boy with bright orange hair said. His smile radiated the entire gym.

Looking at Yachi, you couldn’t help but giggle at how much her body was quivering. Knowing she lived with her mother, it was no surprise that she would be terrified at the sight of such tall sweaty men. Thank goodness you had 3 older brothers who played basketball. Still, it would be an understatement if you didn’t find them intimidating.

“What’s up?”

“What’s going on?”

“These two girls will be joining the club on a trial basis as the new managers.” Kiyoko stated.

“I’m Hitoka Yachi!” She managed to introduce herself without being a complete mess.

“(Y/N) (L/N).” It was a bit strange, being the center of attention among all these teenage boys.

“S-so, you two are first-years?” A rather tall boy who resembled… Jesus(?) asked.

“Yeah. We’re in class 1-5.” You replied for Yachi’s sake.

The Jesus-man, whom you now know as Asahi was made to back up a bit. Shifting your gaze, you were met with 3 boys. All of them staring down at you. The one in front seemed to notice and immediately turned and slapped them in the face saying that it was not good to stare. A small smile began to form on your face.

Did it start there? No.

You didn’t even realize his presence.

It was during the next day. The day they had the practice match with Ouginishi. You were helping set up the chairs with the two girls. You watched as Yachi was conversing with the orange haired boy named HInata. You knew that she had been tutoring him and his friend, whose name you forgot, in order for them to go to Tokyo. Due to your schedule, you weren’t able to help out, but she said it was alright.

A few moments later, the opposing team had arrived. The practice match was now about to begin. You had been tasked to score Karasuno while Yachi scored the opposing team. Kiyoko took the empty seat beside you to aid in whatever was needed.

That’s when you saw him.

The way he tossed the ball high into the air, ran a few steps forward, and hit it perfectly causing a service ace made you catch your breath. Of course, you’ve seen your brothers’ friends focused faces but this one was different. It was as if volleyball was his everything. Remembering that this was the same person who asked for help in his grades, perhaps your thoughts were right.

“That’s Kageyama-kun.” Kiyoko stated. Her eyes still fixed on the match.

It all escalated from there. The moment you saw them about to perform an attack, your eyes followed as Hinata dashed towards the net. It was no joke that he really was fast. Though you were used to seeing basketball players running, this shrimp was different. Perhaps it was his height that made it possible. Or maybe that’s just how talented he was.

The ball landed on Kageyama's hands and you observed as he expertly tossed it to Hinata. It was almost as if he knew the perfect amount of pressure to put onto his fingertips for them to execute the said attack. Unbeknownst to you, your jaw dropped.

“That’s not all they can do.” Kiyoko said with a teasing smile on her pretty face. “I doubt they’ll use it today but in the future, you’ll witness it firsthand. Their Weirdo Combo.”

Closing your mouth, you admired the two boys from afar. But, your sight lingered on the setter.

So, when did the butterflies start?

It happened after the game.

The sun had now set and you were facing the vending machine. The bright lights blinding to your eyes. You were not sure which milk to choose from. Index finger gliding on one button to the other. Were you in the mood for classic milk or the flavored one. You were so deep in your thoughts that you had not noticed the blueberry-haired player staring at you with confusion.

“You can’t decide with milk to get?” He said casually.

Jumping a bit at his voice, he immediately apologized for startling you.

“No no. It’s my fault. But, yeah. You’re right.” You scratched your nape. “I can’t decide which one to get.”

“Do you have any preferences?”

“For milk? Not really.”

“So, you can do this.” He placed his middle and index finger on each button. Pushing them simultaneously, you watched as the winning milk carton fell to the dispenser box. “That’s what I do if I can’t choose.”

Bending down to get the milk, he was a bit shocked when the machine purred to life and another carton fell. Looking up at you, he saw how you were smiling at him. Your fingers still resting on the two buttons. Grabbing the beverages, he hands one to you.

“A thank you gift.” You punched the straw onto the hole. “That would definitely save me a lot of time.”

He wasn’t sure what was going on but he felt a little tingly inside. That same feeling where he’s able to make a perfect toss for Hinata, yet here he was. Not playing or holding onto a volleyball. Instead he was holding onto a small carton of milk . Feeling heat creeping into his cheeks, he cleared his throat and gestured for you and him to go back to the gym.

Ever since that day, it became a habit. The two of you would take turns in choosing each other’s beverage. Though there were times where none of you liked the results, the two of you would just shrug and cheers your small cartons of milk.

Yachi and Kiyoko slowly caught up. The two would usually watch as Kageyama would call you to follow him towards the vending machine. They shrugged it off at first till they noticed how it had become a ritual. Whether Kageyama was neutral, upset, or awkwardly happy, the two would always wait for him to call you.

“Oi.(L/N). Let’s go.” That’s what he’d always say. And when both of you would re-enter the gym, flustered cheeks and silent smiles were for all to feast on.

It wasn’t long before the rest of the team noticed. Save for Hinata who noticed last, though it’s not really a surprise.

The time came when Yachi, Kiyoko, and you were now changing in the girls lockerroom. You were rummaging for your hair band. You had not noticed that the strap of your bag had somehow wrapped around your ankle. By the time you took a step back, your bag got pulled and all of the contents spilled on to the floor.

“Are you okay, (Y/N)-san?” Kiyoko said as she went down on the floor with the two of you. Gathering your notebooks and pens.

You gasped when Yachi took a hold of your sketchpad. A few stray papers fell and landed on the floor. Quickly gathering them, you failed to pick up 3 pieces. When Kiyoko and Yachi turned the paper, they were met with a perfect sketch of Kageyama. One where he was holding a ball, the other one where he was drinking his milk, and the last one where his features were clearly angry at Hinata.

“I-it’s not what it looks like!” You tried to defend yourself.

“It’s okay, (Y/N).” Yachi giggled. Kiyoko as well as she handed your sketches back. “It’s not exactly unknown at this point.”

“He’s just so perfect to illustrate. That’s all.” You stuffed the papers and sketchpad back into your bag. Cheeks and ears red from the exposure of your secret.

“Do you always look forward to your vending machine trips with Kageyama-kun?” Kiyoko asked as she tied the knot to her sweatpants. Yachi was all ears for your answer. When you gave a defeated nod. The two of them shared a high five. “Are you aware that you tend to stare a bit longer at him as compared with the others?”

“Oi… Aren’t you supposed to be watching them, not me?” You retorted in an attempt to save whatever dignity you had left.

“I wouldn’t be a good manager if I didn’t pick it up, right?” There was no argument to her statement. She was hella good at her tasks. Sighing in defeat, you hid your face in your palms. “Please don’t tell him.”

“Of course not~” Yachi reassured you. “But but but, tell us when it all started! We still have 20 minutes before practice starts!”

“I’m not really sure. But, each time I look back, it was when he served an ace during our first day as manager trainees.”

The two girls felt flowers floating above them as they flooded you with questions.

Meanwhile in the club room, Kageyama was not safe. He was just minding his own business till he heard a loud thump coming from behind him. One of the extra foams had fallen on top of Noya. The collision caused his bag to land on the floor, contents sprawled out as well.

Suga, Tanaka, and Daichi began to clean up the mess as he picked up his belongings. Everything was going well till Asahi’s eyes caught on to two milk cartons. One of them had a note taped to them. Just as he was about to pick them up, Kageyama was quick to grab them and dashed to his bag to safely tuck it away.

Noya and Tanaka stared at each other. Devilish grins growing on their faces.

“Oi oi Ryu~” Noya began. He leaned on to the wall with his arms behind his head. “(Y/N)-chan’s pretty cute right?”

Daichi and Suga sent death glares at their liberio but all he did was wink. The parental figures of the Karasuno Crows stared at their setter. He had not moved an inch from where he was standing. Almost as if he was anticipating what his senpai had to say.

“That’s right, that’s right Noya!” He answered. A smug grin on his face as he observed Kageyama. Heck, all of them were staring at Kageyama. “Ya know~ I think she stares at you sometimes!”

“OOHHH?! Really?!” Noya stood up and skipped his way towards his mate. “You think I should ask her out? Besides! Who could resist this face?!”

“Now now, you two~” Daichi tried to calm the two and their scheme. Though, he would be deemed a liar if he wasn’t interested as to how the calm and usually silent setter would react.

Kageyama zipped his bag rather harshly. Jolting to his feet, he turned to face his two senpai’s. The aura of death surrounding him and affecting the whole room, save for Tsukki of course who merely snickered at the sight of a jealous king. The two senpai’s were rather happy that their kohai had taken the bait.

“Kageyama~ Don’t get affected by these two.” Suga inserted and immediately diffused the growing tension. “Though, it’s not like you're actually affected right?”

“O-of course not.” He muttered and stared at the ground.

“See? There’s nothing to worry about.” He motioned for Asahi to come towards him. “Let’s go Asahi. (Y/N)-chan should be in the gym already. You did plan on asking her out, after all~”

“OY! What the heck, Asahi?!” Noya exclaimed as he dashed towards his two upperclassmen. “If there’s one person who gets to ask her that would be me! Now out of my way!”

“What’s going on?” Hinata whispered to Yamaguchi who stared at the growing chaos in the room.

“They’re trying to get Kagayama to come through with his feelings.”

“Ha? Kageyama? Feelings?”

“Towards (L/N), you idiot.” Tsukki commented. He adjusted his glasses as he watched the liberio, setter, and wing spiker fighting for the door. His eyes landed on their target who was just standing with his fists tightly closed.

“Kageyama… has feelings for (Y/N)?” Hinata thought out loud. “Hoo~ That explains why he stares at her during breaks.”

Slapping his cheeks, he jumped to his feet and inhaled.

“ALL OF YOU ARE HOPELESS!” He yelled, gathering everyone's attention. The sudden outburst was not expected. His face now held a cheeky smile. Slamming his chest, he held his chin high in the air. “If there’s anyone who can get her attention…”

Kageyama let out a silent thank you to his ally. For once, they shared the same thoughts.

“IS ME!”

Everyone felt the silence erupting from the floors to the walls and all the way to the ceiling. Noya and Tanaka still held on to their devilish smirks as they saw the anger oozing from their prey.

“HINATA! YOU DUMBASS!”

Using that as leverage, Hinata dashed towards the door and began to run towards the gym. Poking his tongue out, Kageyama sprinted towards the aspiring ace and bolted in the same direction. Though Hinata had already planned on what to do, he somehow lost his concentration till he saw the gym closing in. Remembering that this was for his rival/ally, he deliberately slowed his pace.

The doors to the gym slammed open causing you to drop the volleyballs you had been holding. Turning around to face who had arrived, your breath hitched as you saw a panting blueberry catching his breath. When his eyes met yours, he froze and somehow was not sure as to what to do next.

Scanning the area, it was only you inside as of the moment.

“A-are you okay, Kageyama?” You asked. Heart beat banging on your chest knowing you had come clean with your feelings. Somehow you were hoping that one member would barge in and save you from any impending dooms to happen.

“It’s nothing.” He wiped the sweat off his forehead and walked towards the bench near you. Putting his bag down, he unzipped it and looked for the two beverages. Straightening his back rather sharply, you were startled when he suddenly extended his arm. A milk carton trembling in his tightly clenched fist. “I-I got you some milk. The vending machine we have here doesn’t have this particular flavor.”

Taking it from his hand, you felt heat creeping to your cheeks. Tucking some hair strands behind your ear, you thanked him and punched the straw into the hole. The taste sweet and delicious. You tilted your head when you saw his face had his eye twitching with annoyance.

He was an idiot. He may be a prodigy on the courts but he was hella idiotic when it came to these things. Being caught up in the small wave of adrenaline, he gave you the wrong carton. The one that held the note was in his hand. This was not his day, he could feel it.

The rest of the group had managed to catch up and witnessed the turn of events. All of them face palming at the failure of his actions.

“Well,” Daichi consoled them. “At least he’s aware of his feelings now.”

Ushering the team to get ready for practice, each of them entered the gym. Minds ticking as to how they could help their socially inept first year and his feelings. Suga kept staring back and forth at the both of you till a random idea popped into his head. Recalling the time Hinata had saved Yachi from a ball, perhaps the same can happen for Kageyama.

Waiting till they were in the right rotation, he managed to make eye contact with Tanaka, Noya, and Hinata (who was on the opposite court) to somehow direct the ball towards you. The three boys gave a thumbs up and Daichi immediately caught up. Squinting at them, he too prepared just in case the plan would backfire.

The ball was now served and Tanaka managed to receive it. Asahi got to pass the ball to the opposite side, his jaw dropped when he saw Hinata moving rather slow. As he observed Noya diving to the floor, Hinata asked for the ball and the plan was now set in motion. Purposely hitting his body with net, his forearm hit the ball rather forcefully.

Kageyama’s eyes immediately calculated the direction of the ball. His breath hitched when he processed it would lead straight to you. Not wasting a second, he turned around and ran to receive the ball. If he could just catch up, the ball would still be in play and no harm would come your way.

Everything happened so fast through your perspective. One second, the ball was heading towards you. More than ready to block it, you were caught off guard when a blurry silhouette of white passed your vision. The ball now far from your face. Everyone heard the ball hitting the net and bouncing to the floor.

“HINATA!” Kageyama stormed towards the small boy. “WATCH WHERE YOU AIM THE BALL, DUMBASS! YOU ALMOST HIT (Y/N)!”

You felt your cheeks burn as you heard him say your name. That would have to be a first. Rather unconventional but it was enough to turn the butterflies in your stomach on. Still, as you watched the two boys bickering back and forth, a soft giggle escaped your lips. Feeling the stares of two other people, you turned only to be met by teasing faces.

“Shut up, the both of you!” You hissed at the two girls who merely kept giving you playful looks.

The game now resumed but despite keeping track of their progress, your fingers would move on their own and doodle small Kageyama-chibi’s on the corner of the page. Realizing what you were doing, you were thankful that you had used your own record journal and not the official one. With the first set over, you set aside the notebook and began to distribute their water bottles and towels.

“Thank you for saving my ass back there.” You whispered as he accepted the bottle.

“No problem. Are you okay?” He took a long sip and finally felt rehydrated. The small nod you gave him was enough. At least he managed to save you and did not screw things up. However it was all short lived. The water beads from his bottle had steadily formed a puddle next to his shoe. The floor was already as slippery as it was with sweat, how much more for water.

Gasps now echoed the gym as your body fell towards the floor. Groaning at the pain, you tried standing up but a heavy weight was preventing you from doing so. Feeling strands of hair tickling your cheeks, you let out a silent prayer to any volleyball gods out there to keep your rapidly beating heart still.

Just how bad was his day going to be? First the note and now he made himself look like an idiot and slipped. Though he was confused as to why the gym floors somehow smelled like flowers instead of sweat. Resting on his elbows, his eyes met yours and he forgot how to breath. None of you could say a word to each other.

‘Say something, Kageyama!’ Every single person in the room thought as they watched the events unfold.

Both of you were too fazed to even speak. When your thoughts were now clear, you took in each and every inch his face had to offer. This would have to be the closest you would ever see him. Miraculously clear skin, tiny beads of sweat sticking to his face, lips that were borderline moisturized and chappy, but it was his eyes that you had to admire the most. They were much bluer from this angle. The light bouncing off from the floor made them shift from a silver-blue to light brown. You could see yourself as his pupils were dilated to its limit. For sure, you would draw this when you get home.

“K-Kageyama?” You snapped him out of his daze. He blinked twice before turning red and standing up. Offering a hand, you accepted it and now found yourself on your feet once more. “I guess you're not as quick with balance as I thought~”

“Are… y… doing s… l..er…” He mumbled something but you couldn’t quite catch it.

“What?”

Before he could repeat his sentence, the whistle broke the tension and he let out a defeated sigh. An annoyed pout on his face. Handing you the water bottle, he knew that he was hopeless and it was time for reinforcements. When he entered the court, each player gave him disappointed looks. Dangerous and judgemental auras surrounded them all except for one. The same senpai who always made him feel at ease.

“Uh… Senpai…” His eyes were glued to his shoes. Feeling a pat on his shoulder, he felt relieved when Suga told him to leave it to him.

And all that led to where he was now. Suga had whispered to the team to slowly leave the gym one by one to make sure that the both of you would be able to talk in private. The plan was once everyone was busy in the stock room, Kageyama would bring you for your daily milk adventure and take it from there. To ensure that no one would ruin the moment, Suga managed to involve Coach Ukai as well.

Now that the sun was setting and painted the skies with orange and red hues, he had to admit that this was the perfect time to pour his feelings. In whatever way he could utter, of course.

“What is it, Kageyama?” You were feeling anxious as to what he wanted to say. Was he getting sick and tired of your vending machine routines? Or was he going to tell you that he was not liking the extra stares you two would share? Gesturing him to stop bowing, you were met with his eyes once more. Uncertainty written in them.

“To-T-Tobio.” His eye was badly twitching and his posture was definitely the epitome of lame. He could hear Tsukki shaking his head. Why did he have to be so awkward when it came to you. “You can call me T-Tobio!”

“Are you sure?” You had grown used to his expressions but this one was foreign.

“Yes!” He stood straight and all he needed to do was to salute.

“Do you want to press the buttons today, Tobio?” You asked as you were about to walk towards the vending machine. His large hands grabbed on to your wrist and pulled you towards him. The actions he was giving you was not helping your fragile heart. If anything, you were positive he could hear how loud it was beating through your chest.

“I’m not good with words… So listen carefully cause I’ll only say this once. Especially with those people watching us from behind those bushes and trees.” Now that he mentioned it, you could make all small tufts of hair peeking out from the mentioned objects. Did he plan this from the start? Your mind was now expecting a lot and you were not sure how to feel. All you could do was hope.

Once again, he was at a loss for words. Seeing that his team member was in a pinch, Daichi tried to whisper-shout.

“Like!”

Understanding what the captain was doing, the others pitched in as well.

“Adore!” Suga chipped in.

“Admire!” Asahi mentioned.

“Fancy!” Noya piped in as well.

“Nishinoya!” Daichi and Suga condemned the small man for his choice of words.

Deciding that all those words were enough to describe his feelings, Kageyama inhaled and blurted out…

“I like, adore, admire, and fancy you, (Y/N)!" Goodness that felt so good for Kageyama. To put into words what he had been meaning to tell you for the past few months now. Looking into your (e/c) orbs, he was searching for signs of reciprocation. You were clearly in shock but he knew well that he had to give you space to absorb what had just transpired before your eyes.

Not sure if this was a dream, you harshly bit your tongue and realized that this was all too real. THE Tobio Kageyama had just reciprocated your feelings. Your breathing began to pick up as you felt the familiar numbingness of your red tainted cheeks. He was clearly waiting for a response.

Standing on your tippy-toes, you managed to place a quick peck on his cheek. A bright toothy smile resting on your face as you watched his face slowly turning into the shade of beetroots.

"So… This means… You like me back?" His arms were now holding you into a loose embrace. He had to be sure before using the new found confidence to make a move on you.

"As much of a volleyball genius you are, you can be rather clueless." Though in your mind you labeled yourself as a hypocrite because you too had been oblivious of his milk carton advances. "Yes. Dummy. I like you back."

Tightening his hold, you were met with his toned chest. He smelled of a variety of scents. Mostly sweat and a bit of his shampoo when he had landed on top of you a while ago.

"THAT'S IT, KAGEYAMA!" Hinata as he exposed himself from the bush. Rolling his eyes, the King of the court paid him no attention. "GAME SET MATCH!"

"HINATA DUMBASS! THAT’S TENNIS NOT VOLLEYBALL!"

This was the duo you would have to spend the rest of your years with but in all honesty, you wouldn’t have it any other way~

[kylo-hen]

Super Bloom Part 2

A/N: A lot of you guys seemed to like the first part and I don’t think I ever really intended on it being just a one-shot! Here’s part 2, let me know what you guys think and if you have any feedback! I would love to talk to you about Kylo, or any Adam character in general. Thanks!

Kylo Ren X Reader (Intergalactic Soulmate Au)

Summary: So Kylo Ren is your soulmate, but there is so much you don’t know about him yet.

Warnings: Still mostly Fluffy, a little angst if you look hard enough. Soulmate irrationality. Hopefully in the next installment we start to find smut!

    The soft sweet breeze that blew just for the blossoms in the temple lulled me into a calm, and eventually between the sound of Kylo’s heartbeat reverberating in his chest and the comforting lull in the conversation, I fell asleep. I was only awoken by the subtle movements of the man that lay beneath me. Refuting his movements from the comforting position I burrowed into his chest for comfort.

  “My apologies sweet girl,” His rich voice swept over my senses with the name that bubbled deep inside me, in places I’ve never before felt, “I can’t feel my arm anymore.” He muttered.

   “We can’t have that, now can we?” I teased, sitting up to get another look at him, “How would you be able to protect me with one arm?” I goaded at his ego, anticipating a remark back on his skill, or maybe a jest on his health. Neither prepared me for the sweet rush of red that flooded his cheeks at my remark.

  “We can’t,” He adjusted his position, “but I will always protect you.” He looked so intensely into my eyes and I could feel the truth in the statement. For the first time in my life, I felt absolutely safe, there was someone there for my well-being. For the first time. A small smile appeared on his face which brought me out of my thoughts, “what going on in your head sweet girl?” He tucked my hair back once again.

  I hesitated to tell him my feelings, not wanting to show how inexperienced I was in the world of romance, or even just vulnerability. The only problem being him, his soft, expressive eyes make me want to spill my darkest secrets. They make me want to be better for him, to soften the exterior that had calloused from my loneliness. Divulge all of the melodic thoughts that danced in my brain while I locked myself away in the library, or all of the dark intruders late at night after everyone was asleep, or the private profound paradoxes that meddled into my consciousness. He was the other piece of my soul that found me in the vast galaxy, there should be no secrets, nor would there be.

  “I have been alone for all my life,” I confessed to him, he looked surprised, yet pleased, “I have spent every year in the company of others, but been completely alone, and now?” I placed both my hands on his cheeks, cradling his face. His eyes shut, comfort washing over his features as I spoke, “Now I am whole, and I have never felt safer in my life.”

  His eyes crept open, blinking back a mystery that lurked, “I would never let anything happen to you.” He connected our lips tentatively. I pushed back, allowing for the passion to tickle into our bones with every fervent push forward. His hands roamed once more and one landed in my hair, which locked us together, the other made its home on my back. The heat between us grew, his tongue prodding at my lip, which startled me. He pulled away again with a smirk, knowing my experience couldn’t allow me to go farther right now, at least not in the sacred grove that is.

  “I wish we could lay beneath these trees forever,” He murmured softly below the wind, “But you wanted to change before dinner, and I have to finish my duties here.” He sat us up slowly, not to startle our senses by disrupting our blood flow. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his torso in protest.

  “I thought you were in charge of everything, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” I pointed out in hopes he would let us lay under the sweet billowing trees for just a while longer. He merely chuckled at my thinly veiled attempts to stay.

  “The only way to stay the supreme leader of the galaxy is by respecting the other planets when they’re complying.” He explained to me, and I only pouted, knowing he was right. “I can only use force and fear for so long before the galaxy sours.”

  “Are you a benevolent leader?” I asked coyly.

  “No,” he answered immediately, “Benevolence is for fools.” He explained, retreating into his shell somewhat. His features hardened and his eyes glazed to the past, his past, once more. I retreated, like him, away from the subject in hopes I didn’t make him too uncomfortable with the question.

  I would like to know the man my soul has wound itself around a million times over, but simply that may lie waiting for the sake of our trust. I trust that he would not hurt me, I trust his ability of self-control that he has shown me, and I trust our souls to communicate that may not be visible to those around us. There is a storm brewing in this man’s chest, a dark windy cyclone circling his heart and I am now at the very center of it. Yet, I wish to be nowhere else than right here with him.

  “Let us go then,” I said after some time still spent lounging in the light of our connection. “You’re right, I need to make myself presentable.” I groaned, not wanting to delve into the wide world of appropriate fashion. Some women studied the arts of fashion and exciting dress wear. I have spent most of my life in dresses for my sisters, and the other portion dressed like my father. There was the only security that I would not worry about what Kylo expects me to wear, as I am dressed casually today. I only hope he doesn’t expect me to own long lavish garments that took hours to construct in a distant galaxy. I am a woman of simple means.

  “You would look presentable in anything sweet girl,” He murmured comfortingly, “For you, set the tone of every room you enter.” His words washed over me like a light warm blanket fresh from the sun. He knew exactly the worries that troubled my head and how to quell them. But I couldn’t relish in it for too long as Kylo wrapped his arms tightly around me to bring us both to standing.

  Once I was on the ground, with my footing even and back to normal I gazed up at him. The sun shone from behind him and the trees, which he was slightly crouched under because of his towering height. His eyes searched for mine and when they met, he smiled lightly, allowing for his cheeks to wrinkle up endearingly. His face had such a capacity for pain for anguish, but also the bright burn of happiness. I smiled in return, reaching up to him to kiss the smile off his face. He allowed it, returning it even, with no hesitation or remorse.

  Only then did he take my hand in his, guiding me from the sacred grove and into the temple once again. We were met with the sight of his six brooding guards, standing stock still ready at any moment to take down a threat. There were also two elders sitting on the far side of the room in meditation, calmly awaiting what I can only imagine was divine intervention. I had never been one for meditation, nor one for the stillness of the mind. I allowed the free flow of thoughts to come and go as the pleased ripping through my mind at imaginary lightspeed.

  “Vicrul, Cardo,” Kylo commanded in ease of menacing power over his men, “Accompany her to her home.” He ordered once the two guards stood before him. He took a step closer, “If anything is to happen to her, it will be on your heads.” He instructed with the precision of a thousand knives slicing through the air and into their target. “Return her here before sundown for the feast.”

  With his last instruction directed at the guards, he swiftly turned to me. His hands at my shoulders endearingly as he took in the sight of me once more. “Go get ready, and bring your things for an overnight stay on my ship.” He all but asked. “I would like to begin acquainting you with my lifestyle.” His hands tilting my head up to make it easier for him to kiss me again. Once that moment had passed, however, it was back to the chaos of the market streets accompanied by the two other strangers protecting me.

  I learned very quickly that they were not talkative people. They were silent killers, intimidating in every sense of the word, and never in my life had a walk from the center of town been so quick. People moved away and stared, most of them knowing me my whole life, horrified for what the possible consequences I had created for myself. But no one dared to stop us or ask if I was alright, and if they did, I do not doubt that the two guards would slaughter them onsite per Kylo’s request.

  So, with my head held high, I diligently swept the streets towards the home I had lived in all my life.

  Once I arrived, Cardo and Vicrul of which I did not yet know the difference, murmured between themselves. The guard that carried the thick blaster attached to his left arm remained outside the door, and the other, the one from before with the long-curved blade, stayed by my side as I walked through the threshold.

  My mother, who sat sewing in our sitting area shot up anxiously at the sound of approaching footsteps. Her small plump frame was somewhat relieved to see me but it was short-lived when she saw the guard tailing me from behind. She abandoned her small sewing project and wiped her hand on her small apron, anxiously pushing away her fizzed-out hair.

  “Oh Hatchlette,” she sighed out as she rushed to give me a big hug, “Your father and I have been worried sick all day.” She swayed me side to side, fending off an onslaught of tears. There was a gruff noise from behind me, the guard was not amused. “Are you alright?” she held my face in her hands looking for signs of distress.

  “No, mama.” I said bashfully, “I’m perfectly safe and healthy.” I reassured her moving into the sitting room farther, the guard shadowing me as I moved deeper into my home. “Where’s father?”

  My mother only sighed as she moved into the kitchen to fill up a kettle with water, beginning to make tea for the guard in our presence. I found it quite endearing, the thought of a big brooding lethal guard like this having tea with my mother. “He is in the back, tending to the garden.” My mother said somberly, as my father only weeds the gardens when he is under great stress. I can’t even imagine what he has been thinking about as I lounge in bliss with Kylo. A rush of guilt began to eat at my heart from the inside out at the thought of making my father worry.

  “I should let him know I’m alright but,” I turned to the guard behind me, “you should probably stay in here.” I felt bad for telling him what to do, but I don’t think my father would be more reassured by the brooding presence of Kylo’s men. My mother returned to the room looking between myself and the man shadowing me. “While I speak with father, do you still have Sennica’s nice dress?” I asked, knowing well Sennica had left it for me once I found my soulmate. It was the of the few dresses Anya was never allowed to touch. It was made for Sennica but now it was just mine, and for the first time in years the dusty thing would have its use.

  “Of course, Hatchlette,” she spoke confidently with her endearment slipping off the tongue easily as it had since I was a child, “Go tend to your father, I’ll make tea for our guest.” Ever the host my mother moved to the kitchen once more to make tea for the guard to have him comfortable. I moved outside, half expecting the shadow to continue his protection there, but surprised when I saw him politely sitting in a chair near the middle of the room. I knew Kylo would have probably been angry for his new relaxation, but it was something I appreciated, as I knew this would be the most peaceful route.

  I opened the door that leads me outside, and as soon as I had stepped out, I could hear the frustrated sounds of my father weeding in the garden. He was too entranced to notice my newfound presence, only focused on the task he adopted to ease his mind.

  “If you’re not careful, you’ll pull up the entire garden.” At the sound of my teasing, he shot his gaze to me, ceasing his activity immediately. He stood rushing to pull me into a hug, similarly to my mother only a few minutes earlier.

  “Oh, my little bud,” He comforted himself with my presence and his hands tremored as the hug faded, “I’m so sorry.” At his apology I stilled, becoming unnerved.

  “What could you have to be sorry about father?” I asked plainly, as I had no foreseeable cause of his guilt. I found my soulmate, I have been having a wonderful day, it’s been incredible.

  “I should have never let you go with that awful man,” His hands gripped at my arms tightly, and I became uncomfortable under his gaze. I moved away from him allowing the metaphoric and physical distance to grow heavy, “I cannot imagine the horrors you have witnessed.” He assumed so much, so much about the man who possessed a tenderness that I had never seen displayed on this planet. No soul had existed as deep and as wide as Kylo’s soul, and it was mine to keep, mine to protect.

  “No, don’t say that,” I defended against his accusations, “I have had the most wonderful day father.” The light in my chest returned as I recounted the tender kisses and soft words exchanged under the sway of the blossoms overhead. “Please, don’t say that,” I begged softly for his approval.

  “You don’t know, little bud, I have kept the darkness from you for so long.” He persisted moving towards me once again, trying and failing to have me see his views. He didn’t need to understand why my soul was made for Kylo, why we belonged side by side, but he could never make me change my mind.  “There is so much you do not know, about him, the empires, the wars!” he emphasized.

  “Then let me learn it from him!” I interrupted, no longer allowing him to decide for me. “I have been chosen for him, father! For this life, I will live at his side.” I began to retreat inside, not wanting to indulge him in more fruitless arguments, “I chose that willingly now, and no one else can make that choice for me.” I hoped that would help him, I hoped he wouldn’t hate me, or judge me, or think I was just some stupid girl following him blindly. I am not blinded by love, but love has allowed me to remove my blinders. I can see him truly for more than just what he shows others. I don’t know why he has been chosen for me yet but I am thankful. My father’s disappointment would break my heart, but Kylo’s absence would crush my soul. I reached the door back inside and turned back to look at my father, “Do not make me choose between my family and my soul.” Then I went inside and left my father to think of his words with the weeds pulled from the garden.

  Inside the house, I found my mother laying out the dress I had requested while speaking with the guard, that was sat, quite prettily, in a seat drinking tea. I would have to applaud Kylo on the manners instilled in this man. It was not expected of him to entertain my mother in the way he has. 

  “Hatchlette?” My mother called out for me when she heard the door shut, “Is that you?”

  “Yes Mama, it’s me,” I spoke softly, walking into the room and focusing on the dress she had hanging near the small staircase. It was a cream color with blue vines of flowers on it. There was soft lace on some of the edges and it made me feel soft, dainty. I can still remember when my mother brought it home for Sennica to wear to meet Patrik’s family. It was such a good luck charm that she hadn’t the heart to take it with her when she left. She saw the way my eyes widened like the moon and sparkled like the stars when I saw it. She knew that if anyone would do the dress it’s justice it was me, and for the first time since leaving her body it would be put to use again.

  “Sennica will be thrilled.” My mother came from behind me and spoke soothingly. Her chin rested easily on my shoulder, looking over at the dress. “Shall we braid some of the wildflowers in your hair?” She offered, knowing I used to ask for it on every special occasion I could find as a child. “I think it would be a nice homage to your home as you leave it behind.” She said without making me feel guilty. She knew this was the natural way of my life, the way it’s meant to be. Yet, she couldn’t find it in herself to be anything but kind, to be anything but her true self.

  “Yes, yes we should,” I confirmed, turning to face her once again. She suddenly looked much wiser than her years before her as she took in my features with pride, “What are you doing Mama?”

  “I’m admiring my work,” its an old joke she had made maybe a thousand times, and yet she managed a chuckled from both of us, “We will miss you when you are gone, but you have always been too large for this tiny planet.” Her encouraging words quelled the fire of fear and doubt that my father had lit outside. I knew at that moment that I needed to blaze ahead, no doubts, no fears, only love and light. There is beauty in the new chapter, there is love, there is respect. With that, I climbed the stairs to a bedroom I had lived in my whole life. A room once home to three, then only two, down to one, and soon it will be empty. It will be ready to start anew, as I am.

  My mother and I had to work diligently to get me ready, having squandered most of my day with Kylo, the sunset was fast approaching. The braids my mother made had small bits of white and blue wildflowers, that matched the dress, woven into it for effect. She helped me gather some things to stay with Kylo for the night, and she even smeared some colored creams of her own on my face to fix some of my blemishes.

  When fighting against the time was nearly up, and my appearance much more graceful than before, I could hardly recognize myself. I was beautiful, and I could hardly wait for Kylo to see me like this, finally presentable for the man I wanted. As I descended the stairwell with my mother the living room was tense, as my father sat opposite the guard that had now abandoned the teacup in place for his blade. My mother only sighed and I made my way towards the side of the room with the exit.

  “Wait!” My father called out, “No goodbyes?” He asked solemnly and for some reason, it sparked an irritable fire in me.

   “I will see you tomorrow, I am only gone for the night.” I snapped back, harsher than I intended. “I only hope this time will help you see things from my point of view,” I suggested at the man, stubborn like myself, sitting across the room. The guard now stationed to my right began to move me out the door.

  “I could only suggest the same for you little bud.” My father bit back, always one to get the last word. It only spurred me further out the door, where the second guard stood watch. The satchel I carried was taken from me by the one stationed outside, to alleviate the stress put on my shoulders. I wondered if that was part of the training, or if he had been trying to suck up to Kylo through me. It didn’t matter, because I was glad to have them flank me on either side, intimidating the masses out of the way of us. The walk was just as fast, if not faster, than the one earlier in the evening.

  Once we made it to the temple, the large doors opened and the smell of the feast lingered on each of our senses. The men diligently helped me up the small steps as I adjusted to the small heel on my shoes that had slowed my pace. I would have to notify Kylo of their dedication to not only my comfort but my wellbeing. I hoped they were handsomely compensated for their troubles.

  The guard’s dedication mattered until the sight of the guest of honor came into view. He was faced away from me, speaking with an elder about an old portrait that hung in the large room where the feast was held. He was pensive, stiff, commanding, everything about him sent a shiver up my spine. He had kept his helmet removed out of respect for the temple. He only turned when the sound of the door shutting behind us reverberated throughout the room.

   When Kylo did turn, his eyes landed on me first, all trepidation and anger from my father’s actions, or my own insecurities melted away. His brown eyes softened, his normally pouted lips upturned in glee, his hands immediately unclenched from his side. All conversations he had ceased, as the guards and elders found entertainment with one another and Kylo moved towards me. His hand outstretched reaching for mine, as he asked the silent question, Will you come with me?

  And there is no hesitation as I lay my hand in his palm. I met his gaze head-on and answered the unasked question the only way I knew possible, Yes.

[saylors-universe]

All Hands on Deck, one

Rowaelin Cruise Vacation AU

Masterlist here

rowaelin cruise ship vacation AU

word count: 1661

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You did WHAT!" Aelin screams over the phone. If she wasnʻt currently visiting her cousin in Terrasen, she would be in Elide and Manonʻs apartment, conducting this band meeting. But of course the Gods deemed her worthy of divine punishment – for what, she has no clue.

"Come on Ae,” Elide pleads over the call, "think of it as an engagement gift for Lorcan and I."

"Okay one, I planned on getting YOU something, not that dick boyfriend of yours. And two, this is a job, not a present,” Aelin hisses. Remembering that she hadnʻt yet congratulated Elide on the very recent news.

Elide had grown up with Aelin and Aedion, pretty much being adopted into the family as another cousin. Aelin had witnessed all of the trials Elide had endured – maybe she was cursed by the Gods too.

"Fiance. Heʻs my dick fiance now,” Elide interrupts her train of thought, "and I donʻt know what happened with you two but heʻs honestly the sweetest and most caring guy ever,” getting cut off by Aelinʻs cackle on the other end of the line.

"To you maybe,” Aelin snorts, “god, if only you had gone to our high school Elide. Lorcan was such an ass to me and -," she caught herself, choking on his name.

"Rowan?" Elide blurts out, trying to fill the awkward silence.

"Ye- how did y-," Aelin snaps, somewhat defensive. She knew Elide didnʻt understand the painful memories that came with that certain name.

"Lorcan told me about you guys,” Elide corroborates, “you know he resented you two for what you guys had,”

Ha! Aelin thought to herself, Lorcan, jealous? That doesnʻt excuse the asshole personality of his.

“he told me he had finally found that kind of love with me, and thatʻs when he knew I was the one and started planning the proposal." Aelin was happy for Elide, genuinely, and it is because of her love for the plainly beautiful brunette that she tolerates the prick.

Lorcan envied our relationship?

Quick memories of a silver head past love of hers crossed her mind without permission. Midnight drives where theyʻd sing songs theyʻd wrote for each other, a summer class trip across Europe where they shared their first "I love youʻs" in the late, romanticly lantern-lit streets of Rome. As quickly as they came, she banished them once again.

"Anyways," Elide continues, "itʻs a vacation, with only a few gigs. I mean weʻd only need to perform a couple of nights and the rest of the time is ours...

Plus, I managed to get the cruise director to upgrade our rooms for a small cut in our pay.”

She was met with silence, "Come on Aelin, Lys and Manon have already started packing,” Elide begs.

It was a great deal Aelin had to admit. A 21-day cruise trip, not only was it technically free for them, but they would actually be paid doing what they love - performing. She could see it now - Queenʻs Court live from the Great Seas.

They were a fairly new band but had already made some traction, making a name for themselves and enjoying the love from their wild fanbase. It would be nice to get away for a little while, Aelin contemplates. She canʻt remember the last time she did something crazy fun with her girls, besides their small concerts. It couldnʻt hurt.

"Alright, fine," she concedes. She doesnʻt quite know why she had been so hostile and reluctant to this great opportunity. It may have something to do with how she had always been the one to spring the surprise master plan on her friends, finally on the receiving end of it felt weird. "but you know I get seasick."

"Weʻll get you some of those seasickness patches,” Elide counters just as Lysandra snags the phone.

“Hey bitch,” their term of endearment, “is my hot ass boyfriend there with you?”

“Yeah one sec,” Aelin answers then pulls the phone away from her face to yell to her cousin in the other room. “AEDION, LYS AND I ARE HAVING PHONE SEX!”

Her twin of a cousin suddenly appears, putting the phone on speaker and taking a seat next to her on his living room couch. “Trying to steal my girlfriend are you?” He teases, sticking out his tongue to Aelin. “Whatʻs up baby?”

“Aedion weʻre going on a trip, a romantic cruise vacation, and before you say no, I already talked to Darrow and blackmailed him into giving you a month on leave,” Lysandra reveals over the phone. Aelinʻs fairly handsome cousin raises a brow in question to her, “so I expect to see both of you packed and ready at Wendlyn port at the end of the week,” Lys demands.

“Yes maʻam,” Aedion complies. The poor man was so whipped by the dazzling woman, he would follow her to the depths of hell. Aelin was glad they found eachother, they both deserve to be happy.

“Good. I just got new thongs today that I want to show you. Ooh! And we can try those new posit-,” Lys continues not realizing that she is on speaker. Aelin, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, looks over to see Aedionʻs reddened cheeks and wide eyes.

“HERE. Iʻm still here!” Aelin gawks before she overhears any more of this intimate and awkward conversation. “Get a room you two.”

Lysandra chuckles, “how about a romantic cabin suite. Gosh Iʻm so excited, this is going to be so much fun,” Lysandra beams. And just like that Queenʻs Court packed their bags and instruments, preparing to embark on this new adventure.

——————————————————————————

Something had to be wrong, Lorcan never calls band meetings. Rowan internally reviewed every conversation heʻs had with the rigid bandmate of his to determine a possible source of this abrupt meeting. He recalled that Lorcan had just recently proposed to his girlfriend that he never talks about, is it possible for it to have gone awry? If so, why would he feel the need to share it with the band, heʻs normally super private? No, something else had to be wrong. Rowan got situated on the couch, across from the twins, Fenrys and Connal, perplexed by the expression on the standing drumerʻs face.

Was that a smirk? Rowan had never seen Lorcanʻs genuine smile in all the years he had known him. It had been hard enough to get the man to talk about his personal life, let alone express his feelings. Itʻs a miracle that somehow this girlfriend of his had cracked through his thick walls.

"Alright boys," Lorcan opens, "I got us a gig."

"Uh- isnʻt that Gavrielʻs job" the normally quiet Connal pitches in.

And from the rare, conspicuous grin on Lorcanʻs face, Rowan deduced that their booking agent Gavriel was just recently informed of this sudden plan of Lorcan's and took care of all the details himself.

"What is it?" the other twin, Fenrys, chimes in.

"A tour ... overseas. Really itʻs actually 3 weeks of vacation, on a cruise, and a few nights of shows,” Lorcan tells the group, “the cruise line hasnʻt been getting as much traffic as they normally do so they thought a popular band for entertainment would bring in some audience."

For Lorcan, not only was this input very abnormal, but also pretty genius. Not only would it be like their normal concerts with the generous pay, ambitious audience, and regular groupies that followed them anywhere - but they also would get a few weeks of vacation and free food. It would be nice to travel again and get out of Doranelle for a little bit, Rowan imagined.

"3 weeks of hot chicks in bikinis, music, AND alcohol,” Fenrys smiled, “thatʻs all you had to say,” as he looks to the remaining bandmates, “weʻre in.”

"Well hold on a minute,” Rowan interjects, “whatʻs the catch?"

"No catch really, except weʻre not the only entertainment. We trade off nights with Elideʻs band. You see, weʻre planning this whole thing as an engagement/honeymoon trip because of both our tour schedules."

Rowan has never seen Lorcan this content and happy in all their years of friendship. Itʻs nice to see how much heʻs changed from their high school days. Godʻs Lorcan used to be such an ass to him and -. Before he knew what was happening images of her perfect blonde hair, strikingly beautiful turquoise gold eyes flashed across his mind. The sound of her laugh rung through his brain - the first time he heard that laugh he completely lost himself to her. Catching himself – he buried those memories deep down and focused his attention back on their current band meeting.

“Elideʻs in a band?” Fenrys inquired. Lorcan didnʻt share much about his girlfriend – now fiance I guess – he had always been very private about his life, even back during high school.

“Yeah, the Queenʻs Court, theyʻre pretty good, from what Iʻve heard so far – itʻs just El and a couple of her girlfriends” – like Aelin Galanthynius, Lorcan thought to himself.

Lorcan had worked hard to block his youth from memory, completely forgetting about his high school years. That was until Elide introduced him to her bandmates, and he was confronted by the very Aelin Galanthynius he bullied during school. He regrets all of his torment towards her now, but while not knowing if Aelin would be able to forgive him, he makes an effort to be civil towards the blonde nusiance, for Elideʻs sake.

“Sweet, a battle of the bands, you boys up for a little competition?” Fenrys proposes to the group, the three men just shrug. Taking the hint, Fenrys continues, “So what do you say boys? Will The Cadre take stage on the open seas? All in favor say ʻayʻ”

“Ay” “Ay” “I planned this fucking thing so obviously,”

After a few soft chuckles, Lorcan nods, “Then itʻs settled. See you boys at the docks,” as he ushers off quickly to his fiance in Wendlyn.

.......................

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All Hands on Deck taglist:

@smalltddygothgf @booksbqueen @underworldboxers @live-the-fangirl-life​ @booknerdproblems​ @rowaelinismyotp​ 

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt.7)

Well, Natsume's really in it now! Today we'll be talking about what lengths Natsume will go to in order to protect the people he loves. He's not a normal boy with a normal first crush, after all. He has no intention of wooing her or flirting. In fact, his instinct is to distance himself, and going forward we'll see that instinct is motivated by more than just a low self-esteem.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Natsume has some major character flaws. He’s kinda a jerk in general and is rude and abrasive. He’s chronically selfless and seems to be drawn to situations where he can sacrifice himself for others, which is a very unhealthy way to be. He’s also terrible at keeping his word.

Natsume only made this decision on his own, but he’s pretty bad at carrying through with it. He’s the one who told her to stay away, but Natsume will have more and more trouble staying true to such an agreement.

At first, he makes an effort: Mikan is being bullied for her stupidity and sees Natsume. He glares at her, another discouragement from coming any closer. He doesn’t argue with her or join in on the bullying.

But in no time at all, the whole class is riled up in study mode because of Mikan’s example, and for many kids in Class B, the best person to turn to for tutoring help is Natsume, who is actually quite smart when he actually does the work--though he’d prefer not to. And he does help, though not with any kind or supportive words. He’ll leave that to Mikan. Maybe to him it feels a bit like a cheat, like he can afford to give in a little bit. He later walks alongside her after an exam, like he’s part of her circle, and although he’s not really engaging with her like the rest of the kids are, it’s enough that he’s near her.

And it’s enough for the ESP and Persona to notice.

We can see the ESP looking down on them from his headquarters room, still covered in shadows to maintain his mystery, but his figure is familiar enough for a reread. Natsume has been caught and he will have to face the consequences.

Persona subs in for Makihara-sensei (and we must wonder if Makihara was really unable to proctor his exam or if he was ordered to stay away so that a point could be made to Natsume), and despite his disguise, Natsume can tell it’s him instantly. After all, he was supposed to recognize him. Natsume looks horrified.

So far, Natsume has had to more or less balance two very different parts of his life: a more light-hearted life in Class B and his life as a spy and black ops agent. They’ve been difficult to juggle because of how different they are, but they’ve been pretty separated. Here, the lines are blurring. Was there really any divide at all or was that just an illusion? Persona can invade on his happiness any time he wants, on a whim, and nobody else will notice that anything is amiss. Only Natsume will be bothered, and that’s enough.

Natsume later catches up to Persona, asking him what the hell all that was about.

Permy and his fans aren’t the only ones to notice that Natsume has been softer lately--he and the ESP have noticed as well, and he’s been ordered to put a stop to it. He mentions a “kitten of a different color” who has been of interest to the ESP too, and Natsume plays dumb, his last-ditch attempt to protect Mikan from being drawn into this.

Persona comments on the strangeness of seeing the infamous Black Cat that he trained himself, who he’s supposedly only ever seen in action, sitting and taking a test like a normal kid. He reminds him that he’s not a normal kid. There’s no point in trying so hard. He won’t make it to ever see his family again, so why even bother?

And then Persona makes a point to discourage Natsume from getting close to that “kitten of a different color”. Natsume argues that they’re the ones who made them partners in the first place! And he might as well be giving himself away. Again, Natsume seems convinced that the partners thing was a decision from pretty high up, but I don’t think it was. Here, it seems like Persona is trying to clean up the mess Narumi made before it gets too out of hand. Natsume is a perfect tool and anything messing with that is inconvenient. They can’t unmake them partners (yet) so the most they can do is threaten Natsume.

And now we can see what kind of alice Persona has. It's a real threat, killing that plant. It's a reminder to Natsume what he's capable of, that his friends and loved ones could end up just like that plant.

And so Persona does.

Natsume is anguished here, because he’s been trying his very best to avoid this situation, but he should have known that Mikan was already in the academy spotlight and his feelings would be quickly caught. It was too late from the start and he was doomed all along to add Mikan to the list of people he will do anything to protect.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next chapter opens with Mikan being confused and hurt by Natsume’s sudden new coldness. She has no idea what’s brought this all on, but we do. Natsume has no choice now but to completely try and cut her off. It’s for her own good, after all. If he’s not careful, she could get hurt. Protecting her is worth it, even if it means he has to be even more of a villain than usual.

We don’t see a lot of Natsume in this chapter, actually, because he’s trying really hard to stick by his word this time. We see him trip up a little, staring at her in class. When she catches him, he turns away coldly, but from this we can see that Natsume really doesn’t want to be leaving her alone like this. If he had it his way, in an ideal world, he’d be much nicer to her. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t waste his time thinking about his ideals, so he keeps at it, pushing her away.

The next time we see Natsume, it’s after we’ve been thoroughly introduced to the concept of the life-shortening alice. This is one hint of many that he has such an alice, several chapters before we get a real confirmation.

The scene where Natsume struggles on a bed full of pills is perhaps more dramatic in the anime, but it’s no less potent here. It’s like a sucker punch. You don’t want it to be true. He’s ten years old, for heaven’s sake! TEN YEARS OLD! And he’s suffering, hunched over, face red, gasping for air, clutching his chest, next to the biggest bag of medicine I’ve ever seen. It’s the biggest hint we’ve gotten so far, especially in the context of Kaname’s illness.

It's heart-breaking to imagine that most of the time, Natsume is simply pretending like he's not in absolute physical agony.

Kaname stays at the hospital for long stretches of time, staying for weeks and sometimes months at a time. He’s hospitalized more than he’s able to walk around free. There’s a lot to consider when that treatment is compared to Natsume’s. Natsume is the DA favorite and is sent on many missions. His trips to the hospital are never for weeks or months at a time, not because he doesn’t need the rest, but because the school can’t stand to go so long without their prize fighter. Natsume might be in even worse condition than Kaname, but there’d be no real way to tell unless we got it from him, because he has no choice but to put up with it and pretend like he’s not living in constant agony. And on top of being terribly and terminally ill, he gets physically beaten somewhat regularly… this school beats sick children and then threatens them when they find any inkling of happiness.

There is a bittersweet tone about Kaname’s story. He’s already sick anyway but he will probably die if he keeps using his alice, but he wants to, because he wants to bring people the same happiness that making Bear brought him. It’s tragic and heart-breaking, but it’s touching too. That sweetness is missing from Natsume’s appearance. His situation feels miserable and helpless in comparison, because not only does he have no way out, but nobody even knows the extent of his struggles.

He only lets himself feel this level of pain when he’s all alone in his bedroom. He’s been having a horrible past few days, having to ignore Mikan when she’s all that’s made him happy in recent memory. All that together, and we know that this night was a rough one for him.

The next day, we see everyone saying good-bye to Kaname. Once again, Natsume is completely separated from the rest of them, all alone in the classroom, sitting and looking as miserable as one can expect. It’s strange seeing him now after we’ve seen what his nights look like and just how painful they can get.

I just want him to be okay. Why is that too much to ask?

There’s some text on his panel: “I want the future I spend with the ones I love to last just a little longer.” Yet another hint that maybe his illness is more than just that. He has very little time left, and very little time to spend with his loved ones, but even worse: he can’t even spend time with Mikan because doing so would put her in danger. Even with Youichi and Ruka the amount of time he can spend with them is limited. They have their own lives and he doesn’t want to hold them back or hint in the slightest that there’s something up with him. He doesn’t want to worry or burden them. And so he sits alone in the classroom, looking despondent and lonely.

And now we know more than ever that this was never his choice: he has to be like this.

No, he’s not the asshole he makes himself out to be, somebody who doesn’t care about others and cuts others off because he thinks himself above them. All he wants is to protect people from getting too entrenched in his dark life. Natsume being this level of a jerk is a method to protect people, a method an adult would have to take.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I’m quite relieved to have finally passed the point where the anime adapts the manga. From now on, I can focus entirely on the manga. I passed 22k words on this essay too! This whole thing will be sooooo long. I hope it’s an enjoyable read so far. It’s quite fun for me to write.

This chapter is the beginning of a long and dramatic arc. There’s been incidents of people losing their alices. The academy is withholding information about the gravity of the situation, lying that the students have not been affected so far.

But even with the little information the kids have, Class B is full of concern. Everyone is discussing these incidents, debating whether losing one’s alice would even be a bad thing. After all, they’d be able to go back home and see their families. Nonoko brings up a great point, that her alice is a part of her identity, something she loves about herself. It’s not something she’d ever willingly part with. Furthermore, she doesn’t want to leave all her friends at the academy either. Ultimately, the kids all agree that they wouldn’t want to lose their alices.

At this, Natsume stands up and leaves the room. He’s heard enough.

Natsume doesn’t just have complicated feelings about his alice--he feels hatred for it. After all, if it weren’t for his alice, he could live to a ripe old age. He could still be with his family. He could be happy, not used as a weapon by the academy to fight until he dies. He can’t relate much to the conversations about fondness for an alice. From what we can see, he’d be over the moon to be rid of it for good. This is a concept brought up now, because it will be incredibly important later on.

Not to spill about my personal life or anything, but I’m an English major (in an anglophone country so my focus is literary analysis and writing). Writing literature papers in school was a love of mine that I translated to my other interests. I’m writing what I can here about general themes and even visual parallels. I want to write as thorough an analysis as I can. Unfortunately, I can’t effectively pick apart word choices and phrases when they’re translated from another language and when so many conflicting translations may exist.

I’m saying all this as a disclaimer because I want to analyze word choice now and I am aware that this might not carry to the original Japanese or even to other versions of the English translation. (For reference, I’m using the TokyoPop versions for my analysis for the first 15 volumes and then I’ll be using whatever I get my hands on for the rest. The pics I use are from scans, but the main source I use for now is TokyoPop.)

"Nowhere!".... hmm let me read way too much into this.

Natsume leaves the room and Ruka chases after him, asking where he’s headed. Natsume responds, “Nowhere.” This might be a nothing point to make, but it stands out to me whenever I read this part. It’s a reassurance to Ruka, sure, but there seems to be more to it. On the surface, we can tell that Natsume doesn’t have a destination in mind; he just doesn’t want to be in the classroom anymore, listening to all that upsetting talk. Deeper than that, he really is heading nowhere. He’s stuck there, at the academy, unlike the rest of them who will eventually leave to go back home once they’ve graduated. Natsume will probably die at the school, trapped within its gates. He will probably never see his family again. He is, in that sense as well, going nowhere.

The rest of their conversation is just as packed with meaning. Ruka can tell something is up and he wants Natsume to talk to him, to let him in, but Natsume knows that Ruka has made a pact not to smile if he’s not smiling. So even though Ruka is asking and wants to know what’s wrong, Natsume won’t give anything away. Being miserable is one thing, but letting Ruka know that something is worse than usual would only make Ruka miserable too, and he can’t have that. The bottom of one page has him frowning, maybe steeling himself, and then at the top of the next page, he turns around with a grin to tousle Ruka’s hair.

Don't mind me. I am simply crying.

“It’s nothing,” he says with his smile, looking so gentle, and Ruka still looks concerned, but he can’t argue anymore.

In reality there’s a lot going on with Natsume. Later, when we are introduced to Tono, he mentions being concerned about Natsume’s health, having heard that he was making frequent visits to the hospital. We already know he’s sick and going on ceaseless missions, and on top of all that he has to ignore and be cruel to the girl he likes. It’s a terrible situation. But Natsume can’t tell Ruka any of this without worrying him, so instead he will keep it to himself. After all, it’s nothing that can be helped or changed. It’s something he feels he has to cope with on his own. To him, spilling his secrets would be selfish and only cause suffering.

Chapter Thirty

Iinchou has finally returned from his visit to his hometown. He’s brought gifts and anecdotes and everyone is quite happy to see him, until Iinchou attempts to use his alice and finds himself unable to.

It’s a shock to the whole class that a kid at their school has lost his alice. They had been so relieved that at least it wouldn’t affect kids like them, but now one of them is a victim too. It makes the fear much more real. If it could happen to Iinchou, it could happen to any of them.

Things get tense when Iinchou returns to class and says that this might have been the fault of a woman he encountered outside of the school, someone who was probably affiliated with Z. Everyone who was involved with saving Natsume when he was kidnapped is shocked to hear about Z again, but none more than Natsume himself. He gets up and leaves, just like he did last chapter.

He’s thinking about the proposal Reo gave, that Natsume should join Z and fight against the academy he despises. But he’s not alone with his thoughts, because Ruka followed him again, and so did Mikan this time.

She tries to ask him about Z, see if he has any more idea about what’s going on. She’s confused and he knows more than anyone what happened during that incident, but he’s refusing to acknowledge her presence, let alone answer any of her questions. He’s keeping up his charade of cruelty to keep her safe, but it’s driving Mikan crazy. She finally breaks, screaming at him that he should pay attention when people are talking to him, and further that if he has any issues with her he should just say it to her face.

Just like last chapter, we see a panel of Natsume steeling himself, ready to do the selfless thing to protect the other person. Only this time the next panel has him glaring at her, saying he doesn’t like anything about her. He hates everything about her.

Natsume has no choice but to lie all the time about how he's feeling, because everyone else must always come first.

It feels different, but in reality this is the same thing he did to Ruka last chapter. He can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s feeling upset, and he can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s actually starting to fall for a girl. He always has to hide his true feelings, repress and bury them, lie about them in order to protect everyone around him. It’s hard for him to do, but he thinks it hurts him more than it could hurt her, so he manages it.

What adds even more layers to this is that Ruka is observing the whole thing. He sees Natsume’s actions as selfless but misfires on the motive a little--but only a little.

He recalls eating strawberries with Natsume and Aoi, with Aoi cheerfully discussing her newfound love for the fruits. And so Natsume gives his to her. Aoi is surprised, because strawberries are his favorites. He responds easily, “I hate them now.”

"For you," Natsume says.

Ruka knows what kind of person Natsume is, that Natsume would reject something he loves so that his loved ones can be happy. They’re both aware that they like the same girl, and Ruka can’t help but put the math together and assume that perhaps Natsume is doing this for him, hurting himself and bringing himself pain so that Ruka can be happy and pursue a girl he has a crush on guilt-free.

He’s even more convinced of the theory with the tiny panel that reminds us of when Natsume shoved Ruka into Mikan so they could dance. Natsume loves Mikan too, but he wants Ruka to be happy, so he will give up and even ruin his own chances to help out his best friend over himself.

When I say it’s a misfire, I mean that Natsume has a lot of other things going on, including Persona and his imminent death. It’s not that he definitely isn’t doing this for Ruka, it’s just that it’s not as major a factor as other things. He’s mainly doing it because of the threats from Persona. If Ruka is involved in his thought process, it’s mainly a bonus. Ruka’s theory is definitely not unfounded; just not completely accurate.

In any case, it does add extra substance to the dynamic between the three of them, where they all walk away from the moment with completely different kinds of misery.

Before any of them can sit with their sadness, though, they receive word that an intruder from Z is at the school.

Conclusion

In this section, we explored how Natsume has no choice but to distance himself from everybody, and even how the methods he uses to distance himself look different depending on the person. Ultimately, despite the fact that he isn't the sweetest kid you'll ever meet, Natsume being cruel to this extent isn't a quirk of his personality: it's what he has to do. If he didn't have so many things being held against him, he might be much kinder to Mikan, or more honest with Ruka, but he has no choice in the matter.

In the next edition, we're getting more involved in the Z Arc and going into how come Natsume goes from telling Mikan he hates her to backing her cause and going on a dangerous mission with her.

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[prismatales]

Reunion

Word Count: 1.8k

Bingo slot: Saying goodbye

Pairings: None

Tag/Warnings: Angst, Vague body horror, swearing

Synopsis: You've always been there for each other, this time was no different.

Introducing yet another entry for @bnhabookclub 's bingo event as well as a new sibling request! This time with the "Saying goodbye" slot. 

Thank you so much @pixxiesdust and @hawks-senseis for beta reading this for me! ❤

It was already hard enough when one has to witness their whole family falling apart and being unable to do anything about it, but it’s even harder when the reason is all because of the actions of someone who should be caring for that very same family in the first place.

But what could you expect when you consider this ‘family’ is nothing but a repulsive lie? A disgusting facade meant to hide the only reason you were even brought into this world in the first place?

It wasn’t fair to be forced to pretend to be a normal family outside this place that could easily be compared to a prison. A place that others had the luck to call 'home'.

But for your siblings and your poor mother? This was hell of earth itself.

Those thoughts fill your mind with venom, corrupting everything related to hero society and everyone serving under their corrupted principles, at the same time that your hands are busy applying ointment to one of the few who’s suffered just as much because of this corrupted system.

Your little brother shifts in place, trying to fight back unshed tears as the medicine touches the sensitive skin around his left eye. The physical proof of the pain your family had to endure on a daily basis, a consequence from the ambition of one man that you have the unfortunate luck of sharing blood ties with.

“Nee-san, it hurts.” Shouto’s whimpers pull you back from the horrendous thoughts that linger deep inside, tainting everything remotely connected to heroes.

“I’m sorry snowflake, but please bear with it just a little bit longer, this medicine is going to heal your burn in no time!” You reassure the little boy sitting on his futon, who doesn’t stop squirming in place as the skin around his left eye is being carefully covered with ointment, before being wrapped with bandages to prevent the risk of infection.

“There, all done!” He lets out a small sniffle when your hand pats his head softly, caressing the locks of hair underneath with a touch full of love and affection towards the youngest sibling “Just you wait, it should stop hurting so much in a couple of days, can my little snowflake hold on?” 

He looks up at you, nodding weakly with sad, tired eyes that make the pain inside increase dramatically, nearly to the point of tears when you think about everything Shouto has to go through because of him. 

“Mhm.” It’s the only answer you get from the small child nodding off tiredly. He wraps his little arms around you, clinging to your neck just like a little koala as the sheets of his bed are pulled back for him to climb into bed, once he’s lying down on the soft mattress, the blankets are pulled over until they cover him all the way to his soft, chubby cheeks. 

It takes less than five minutes for Shouto to start falling asleep, but not without him giving you a sweet smile and a whisper that breaks your heart into a million pieces before he slips away into a deep slumber. 

“Can we go to the summer festival next week?”

You have to fight back unshed tears, smiling softly at the little boy before nodding in approval.

“...Of course.”

Your hands instantly fly to cover your mouth, it’s but a sorry attempt to fight back the sobs threatening to turn into painful, heart-breaking cries when his words are repeated in your head over and over again, almost like a painful mockery as you stare at the little boy sound asleep.

“I’m sorry, snowflake…”

Your hands caress his mixed strands one last time, before leaning down to give him a soft peck on his forehead. While he sleeps, an envelope is pulled from behind the back pocket of your shorts, that is quickly placed down underneath the boy’s pillow. 

Quickly, you stand up to walk out of the room, closing the door as quietly as possible to avoid disturbing Shouto, and make a dash for your own room where there’s a bag waiting on the bed.

Tears run down your face, combined with a pathetic mixture of pain and grief by the idea of everything, and everyone that would be left behind because of your selfish actions. But even if you choose to stay home, there would be no difference. 

After all, Touya told you what he overheard your dear father was planning to do; Setting you up for a quirk marriage with the son of a family that lived overseas.

When you heard the news, the anger was such that it made the whole garden fall victim to your quirk. Leaving a frozen wasteland all across its path.

As if you’d ever accept that fate without fighting back, but knowing Endeavor, he won’t take no for an answer. You know it’s selfish, that running away would leave nothing but a heavy burden on all of your siblings, one that you’ve been enduring for years if it meant at least they’d be the ones capable of having a somewhat normal life. 

But with this dreaded antict your father was willing to pull for the sake of his ambitions, the outcome would be the same. Either way, you’d never be able to see your family again...

Wiping the liquid embodiment of the doubts and fears, your eyes turn stone cold. Determined to break free from this nightmare, you quickly grab the bag to swing it over your shoulder and walk out of your bedroom. 

Thank god Natsuo and Fuyumi were already asleep, and your father wasn’t around, too busy with a mission to realize there would be someone else missing at home by the time he came back.

Heading to the backdoor, nothing can change your mind about this decision, not even the pain that threatens to consume you thinking about how much this will hurt your little snowflake.

But when you think about the circumstances, all that pain quickly disappears and eventually. In a matter of hours, you finally leave behind the life bound to an endless cycle of abuse. 

All you can do is pray that your siblings will be able to understand the reason why you have to leave them behind. If only they knew that you wouldn’t be alone in this journey, maybe then it would be easier for them to understand…

“You’re spacing out again, focus on the mission.” 

You look up towards the man standing beside you with a look of pure indifference on his features. Dabi’s stare doesn’t change when he makes eye contact with your bored self, too busy looking around the burning forest to pay attention to anything else.

“I was just thinking.” Instead of giving him a clear answer, your attention focuses on Toga, who couldn’t stop rambling in glee about these new friends she made, as well as the guy she ‘fell in love with.’ Sometimes, her demeanor kind of reminded you of Fuyumi when she mentioned her very first crush. 

“Do you think they’re doing okay?” You look back at the waves of blue destruction that flicker rampant across the forest “Sometimes I can’t help thinking about them, you know?” 

Breathing deeply, you don’t pay attention to the way Dabi looks at you. Knowing exactly what’s going through your head, but he’s always been better suppressing his feelings, which is why he doesn’t say anything.

He doesn’t get the chance to answer when Mr. Compress comes crashing down before your group, along with another three people restraining him. When you see a familiar face between the teenagers, time seems to stop once you recognize the face of one of them.

It’s Shouto, the little boy that used to cling to your neck for dear life, the same kid that would always run straight into your arms after a particularly harsh training session was right there, holding down one of your comrades so he could rescue his classmate.

“...Snowflake?” 

Dabi sees the look of surprise all over your face and is quick to react when he sees you taking a step forward, trying to approach the youngest of your siblings without thinking twice about it.

You’re pulled back harshly to your brother’s side, despite the initial struggle against his hold. But when he gives you a small glare that hides a slight sense of panic, it’s when you realize that the little stunt could have blown your covers with the League.

You were lucky to be wearing a disguise, otherwise, Shouto could have easily recognized you. But it did nothing to help when you threw a signature attack; a wall of light blue fire that froze everything it touched.

The moment those flames came to life, Shouto’s eyes became wide open as he made sure none of his friends were afflicted. He knew just one person capable of using an attack like this one. But there was little he could do when all the villains disappeared through the warp gate, including Dabi, who was too busy holding Bakugou hostage.

 As soon as you’re back through the warp gate, both you and Dabi walk away from the group and stand outside the bar all by yourselves. 

You can’t help looking down at the floor and hug yourself. Just coming face to face with your little brother brought back all the memories. Like the time Shouto got that burn on his face, and the last time you were able to see your mother after she was sent away.

“You know that little stunt could have cost us everything, right?” he asks, aware of just how blunt he’s being. One hand rests over your head, a futile attempt to comfort you.

“I know, but I couldn’t help it. When I saw Shouto, all I could think about was the little kid that would follow me around like a lost puppy.” The chuckle you give him is almost pathetic, almost as much as the sad smile all over your face. “Sorry for not being as tough as you…”

He pokes your sides hard enough to make you yelp in surprise. Rubbing on the abused ribs, you send a glare in his direction, and Dabi can’t fight back that grin that crawls into his face. 

Jerk.

“Do I need to remind you who helped me that one time I got hurt? Who was the one who froze off that fucker’s arms like they were nothing?” His fingers dig into your sides again just to be pushed away “It was you, idiot. And you had this murderous look on your face the whole time. You’re tougher than you think.”

With a bashful look, you punch Dabi on the shoulder before laughing slightly. It’s been like this since the time you ran away from home, taking care of each other no matter what.

“Let’s go back. The boss is going to throw a fit if we’re not there to greet the newbie.” 

“Alright, alright. After you, overcooked bastard.”

“Bitch.”

@bnha-ra @bnhabookclub @gallickingun @godtieruwu @hanniejji @mysticalite @savagetrickster @shoobirino @songsforbnha @sugacookiies @unbreakableeiji @wesparklebitch

[waterrunstogether]

Rites of Passage in the Fifth World

I’ve been thinking lately about the absence of real rites of passage in modern “western culture”. A rite of passage is a sort of ritualized event (that may or may not be endorsed/organized by a community) in which a person is believed to exit from one stage of life and enter the next, usually from childhood to adulthood. Other than the humiliation of high school proms/frat hazing, or getting your driver’s license, or turning 21 and getting shitfaced, my culture in the United States has little to offer in the way of true rites of passage. 

The result is a population of confused, somewhat disillusioned children driving around and going to work or university and pretending to be adults while hopelessly stuck in the liminal space between youth and adulthood.

~ 20 year old me pretending to know what’s going on ~

I have thought about quinceañeras and baptisms, religious rites of passage commonly practiced still, but considering the traumatic experience that my parents’ organized religion was for me, I don’t believe now that my baptism was a helpful event facilitating my transition into maturity. I think it was a blindingly painful event whose toxicity I needed to overcome in what I now believe was the true rite of passage. 

I first dropped acid when I was traveling in Bulgaria. My partner was in her hometown across the country and I was visiting Plovdiv with a friend. We had just finished traveling the world, or at least Eurasia, meeting new faces and trying new things and taking wild risks in Thailand and Turkey and India and Malaysia, to name a few. I had also just escaped the cult I was born and raised in which had hammered into me from birth that my sexual and romantic orientation was an abomination, as a woman I was to obey men, God loved me and wanted me to fear him (that is to say, love = fear), the leaders of the church were to be obeyed and respected all the time (even if they were obviously wrong) and so on and so forth. It was an insane transition between being trapped in these religious handcuffs and learning that I could break free all along. In fact, I carried so much self hatred and internalized homophobia with me into my supposed new life that I didn’t know what to do with myself. Despite being outwardly happier than I had ever been before with a wonderful partner and community who truly loved and supported me for who I was, inwardly I was constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown due to all of the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was carrying and creating within myself.

The experience of that first trip was an interesting one. Every step of the way my body seemed to pull me towards the letting go of all of the toxicity that was so thick and had built up like plaque in the arteries of my energetic being--yet, I remained me throughout the trip, at the end feeling somewhat empowered but not yet finished with the transformation.

A few months later I took psilocybin, AKA magic mushrooms, with my little brother on a rainy Summer day in D.C. The whole come up of the trip was talking to trees and observing the movements of leaves, running my fingers over the moss growing on the exposed, knotty roots of tree in front of our house. But at the end of the trip, something changed. Once again my body requested, begged me, to let go of the still-prevalent toxicity inside of me. My health was in rough shape, mentally and physically, and my body knew the culprit. But once more I felt I couldn’t let go just yet, it would be too much for me, I wasn’t ready. So I spent the entire come down and then some, maybe four hours, weeping uncontrollably on the basement floor.

The second time I dropped acid was yesterday, with my partner, here in Berlin. It changed everything.

During the come up I was taken aback by how strong the effect it had on me was. My partner, bless her heart, had taken a larger dose than me, yet felt no effect the entire time. Her tolerance has always been naturally higher than mine for every kind of intoxicating substance, and LSD was no exception. 

As time went on I came to realize that her high tolerance was incredibly fortunate for me and my trip. The initial come up was amusing, as flashes of white light began to fill up my eyes, closed and open; but very quickly I began to get paranoid, strange little thoughts about being set up and targeted running through my mind as my sense of self slowly began to dissipate, just nonsense that the ego conjures up to protect itself. But my partner’s calming reassurances that she loved me and that I was safe effectively calmed me down.

Once I began to enjoy the ride up, holding a half of a pomegranate and appreciating its beauty, touching a slice of orange and loving how soft it felt in my hands, admiring the fractals of color creating all kinds of geometric shapes on the walls and snow outside the window, I became comfortable with my loss of identity. At some point I realized that I didn’t even know my name, and I didn’t care, because it was irrelevant. All that was relevant was experience. 

Imagine experiencing and interacting with the world around you without the barrier of the thing that we are so used to that it’s difficult to think of it as a barrier at all: your concept of self. Ideas about names and races and gender and desire and anger and malice and hatred just made absolutely no sense whatsoever. In this state, all that made sense was goodness and beauty and love. All that I understood was harmony and mutually beneficial behavior. My preconceived notions about who I was and what that meant were being shattered and shredded before my very eyes, exposed for what they were: nonsense.

Once I plateaued and began to slowly come down after about four or five hours I was able to contemplate what these things meant, what they would mean for me going forward. I went into the bathroom around hour 7 and decided that it was time to look into the mirror.

Many people will tell you not to look into the mirror during an acid trip, that it’ll give you the dreaded “bad trip” and you’ll have a shit time. I completely disagree. If you are like me and need to come to terms with yourself through the wonderful, horrific, beautiful, terrifying experience that is an “ego death”, I’m afraid that you’ll have no choice but to look into the mirror at some point. 

So, I stared myself down in the mirror and admitted what I couldn’t admit for so long, due to being taught that I was essentially evil since the day I was born. I’d called myself a sinner, wicked, worthless, ugly, an abomination and just about every other mean word in the evangelical dictionary. But as I stood there looking at my body in the mirror, egoless and impartial, I said, “You have done and thought some cruel things to yourself for some time now. But you know what? You are a kind person. You are a wonderful person. You treat people with respect and love, you treat everyone you’ve ever met with so much empathy, so much caring. You love the truth, you love to be generous, you love to be a good friend. You must begin to treat yourself the same way. I know you’ve had so much hatred in your heart contaminating your energy for so long, but that is enough. That is enough. No more. I am a kind person. I am a kind person. I love you. Remember that night so long ago? Beneath the stars, where they submerged you in the baptismal water and tried to destroy you, saying these sacred waters would wash all your sins away, along with your fragile, meaningless identity? Well, they simply added more to your ego, a darker side. You built up so much negativity for so long. Well, look at you now. Your identity, all of the ideas and concepts that you’ve built up around who you really are to protect you from the hurt of Life, it’s all gone. Now you’re going to baptize yourself again. You’ll be truly reborn, this time dedicated not to destroying yourself for the sake of a religion, but dedicated to renewing and becoming and becoming and becoming.” As I looking into the mirror my silhouette became filled in with the velvet black of the night sky, full of bright stars.

I turned on the water and was baptized once again, by my own hands.

When I returned to the room I felt happier than I had ever felt in my life, light as air, free. I told several people about how much I love them and described my love for them in detail, not as this thing that’s an extension of my own ego, but my love for them was a little bit of energy that I had the honor of holding in me, in this body, and sharing between us for a time, for the wonderful events that we call our lives. I could actually see love. I understood that I was not all of the concepts I’ve built around myself, but an expression of energy in this space and time, connected to every other expression of energy in all of history, from the beginning and until the end. My matter, my body, was simply a vehicle for the energy, and would be recycled into new vehicles after I die. My energy would be transferred into new vehicles as well. That’s what we perceive as death: just a simple transfer of energy and recycling of matter. My ego would not live on, thankfully. My consciousness as conflated with ego would cease to exist with me. But the underlying animating force behind all things in the universe, the true source of consciousness, would never be destroyed or created, simply recycled again and again and again and again. Becoming and becoming and becoming and becoming.

The hilarious and bizarre world of reality is hilarious and bizarre. It’s so beautiful and mystical and wonderful and honestly, nothing I write here could ever explain how I experienced being alive in that sixteen hour trip. Words don’t convey it, words can’t convey it. Reality is visceral, experiential, impartial and impossible to quantify in something as crude as human language. 

All I know is that, today, I am a fundamentally changed person. I’d feared ego death for so long, feared that it would be too much, too painful. And it was so, so painful--but it was so worth it. I am happy and proud to exist, grateful for everything I have accomplished and can accomplish in this miraculous, tiny little vessel during this ephemeral event that is my life. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow if tomorrow exists, and unleash all of my love on everyone who’ll have it. Love is the energy that unites us with our own bodies and the entire world around us. How lucky and strange it is to be anything at all.

May you have a peaceful day. The universe smiles upon you.