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everythingsinred · 2 months ago

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heyy hello my natsumika expert, I wanted to ask you a question. I read the manga a long time ago and I didn't understand the translations very well at the time but now rereading it I'm realizing that Mikan was technically the first to confess (? In that chapter where they exchange bodies with their other classmates and Mikan handcuffs Natsume thinking that he was Bear, she vents to him and tells him her thoughts about Natsume and I think at one point she tells him that sometimes she thinks that she likes Natsume ( I don't know, the translation is really very confusing but I think in the end she made it clear that she had feelings for him and I wonder if this is what makes Natsume feel more confident about publicly confessing to her in front of everyone like that or what do you think? I'm very confused

Hi! I graciously accept the title of NM expert <3

I really don't blame you for struggling with the translations. Honestly, for a very long time, I only half understood what was going on in some chapters when the scans weren't the best quality and I am extremely fortunate to have 15 volumes of the TokyoPop English translation that make things a bit more clear. I also think things become a bit more clear to me with each reread, which is why I find rereading up to a certain point so fun!

To answer your question in short: yes and no and yes and no and yes and no. Mikan did and didn't confess first. That might be confusing, but lemme explain. This might get long-winded and unnecessarily convoluted, but here we go...

Short answer: Mikan did and didn't confess first but the confessions are minimally important and I don't think this potential confession changed or affected Natsume's later confession.

I talked about this throughout out my NM: Mikan essay, but Mikan is incredibly evasive regarding her feelings for Natsume in particular. This is interesting because of how vocally affectionate she is with Hotaru and Narumi and Tsubasa. Mikan is physically affectionate with friends, and loves to tell them that she loves them. Natsume stands as a unique exception to this because the love she has for him is just different. Frequently she might say "Natsume and everyone" or "my friends and Natsume" because Natsume is not a friend; he is in an entirely singular category that Mikan does not want to name, even when she does realize it.

So for a tortuously lengthy amount of the manga's run, Mikan will talk about her feelings for Natsume through the veil of everyone or people. "Saying PEOPLE'S names" or "everyone is worried." Mikan distances herself from her affection for Natsume by (even in her own thoughts) claiming that her feelings are universal, or a group opinion and not her own. Natsume has been gone for a while? Mikan will claim that everyone's been wondering where he is even though, pointedly, she is the only one asking about it. Natsume has been ignoring her lately? He's ignoring everyone, even though the only person he is dismissing is her.

Again, I do say this in the essay so I hope I'm not beating a dead horse here but Mikan avoids her feelings for Natsume in this way for a couple of reasons:

1. Their relationship begins as a hostile one and it becomes more openly friendly over the course of the manga in a really subtle way. Unless you're tracking it carefully like I do, it might not be easy to point a finger on when things change or shift. When did Natsume go from an enemy to a cool guy she likes hanging out with? When did he go from the absolute worst to someone who makes her cloudy sky go away? This gradual shift in the very nature of their bond complicates her feelings and makes her thoughts about him less fully positive or fully negative.

2. MOST IMPORTANTLY, Natsume has been at threat of "leaving" Mikan since the beginning of their relationship and she has been living in constant anxiety of that threat ever since. In some way, Mikan is cognizant vaguely of the fact that Natsume is not going to stick around because he is sick, reckless, and under constant threat by the school. More than anyone else, Mikan wants to protect him because he's the one person who most NEEDS her protection. As a result, fully admitting how much he means to her means acknowledging how much she would lose when he finally does leave her (and just as we expect, when he does leave her, she is DEVASTATED, something she knew she would be all along).

So, having made that aspect of Mikan's feelings clear, let's get into that chapter, (Chapter 91).

Mikan, thinking she's talking to Bear in Natsume's body, even though it really is just Natsume, talks about how Natsume's been worrying her lately by distancing himself from everyone in class, so she thinks maybe he might leave her. She notes that she isn't sure whether or not he likes her, and that's alluding to something pretty important:

My first "no" to this question is because Natsume confessed to Mikan during the Sports Festival Arc, during the Borrowing Race in 84. He does this with a mask on, assuming someone else's identity, and then when he's almost caught, Luna cleans up his mess by affirming he was with her at the time. However, Mikan is able to ascertain that Natsume is the one who did borrowed her, and since the mind-readers gave him full points before he was disqualified, she knows it was a genuine love confession.

Thus, in some way, he confessed first. And yet Mikan still doesn't fully trust his feelings now because of his current behavior, that she doesn't understand what he's doing and is worried that he will abandon her (die). She doesn't say she loves him here, in 91, but I think she alludes to it in her own repressed flavor, so in a way she is also confessing, thus, my first "yes" answer.

But neither of these confessions really achieves anything. Natsume and Mikan continue to be evasive and weird about their feelings and are incredibly indirect at every opportunity. Yes, maybe Natsume confesses "first," but he does it with a mask on with full intention of her NEVER figuring it out. I mean, considering that Natsume doesn't really ever know for sure that Mikan did indeed figure it out, counting it as a confession seems weak. We might as well count their Christmas kiss, where he releases affection in yet another indirect way, or when he snuggles her when they sleep together. His confession was not intended to really let her know he loved her, but rather to assuage the constant guilt and dissatisfaction he feels from repressing his love all the time.

And then we have Mikan's, where she once again and like always hides behind "us" and "people" and "everyone," making it indirect like Natsume's. It might be fair to assume that they both are aware that the other has feelings for them, but that's not really the problem. They're not together, not because they don't love each other, but because 1. Mikan is TERRIFIED of losing him, and 2. Natsume is TERRIFIED of hurting her.

I read an older fanfic recently and had to abandon it actually because it was canon-verse, in which Natsume refuses to accept that he loves Mikan even though EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD can see it. I think this characterization is kind of tired, to me, because it fundamentally misunderstands their canon romantic conflict as being one of miscommunication and ships in the night. They cannot acknowledge their feelings, or they can't spit it out, or that Natsume is embarrassed of his feelings, or that they keep falling into love triangle trappings--they tend to miss the real problem. Natsume is the "brooding bad boy" who refuses to acknowledge that he loves the stupid sunshine girl, and thus he ends up looking more emotionally immature than her, more repressed and stuffy, more interested in keeping up a macho image, in many fanfics.

But... that's not actually the case. Natsume knows pretty instantly that he loves Mikan, and fully accepts it, as soon as it happens. The lack of communication of those feelings is only minimally if at all about reciprocation or courtship or about how embarrassing it is to love Mikan and more than anything about the danger it puts Mikan in for Natsume to love her and the fact that he has no future to offer her.

Natsume's sickness is the basis for everything: why Natsume's confession is indirect and why Mikan's confession hides behind a group. The real unspoken element in this conversation is less about their feelings and more about the fact that Natsume is going to die very young.

I mean, lets track the confessions in this story, by the actual use of the words "love" or "like" or the conventions of love in the alice world:

Mikan is technically the first to give Natsume her alice stone and even though she denies the tie to the legend, that's a cover-up. Whether Mikan acknowledges it or not, that was a sign of her affections, one that he immediately returns, though anonymously. Thus, this first alice-stone exchange of theirs is a mutual confession of feelings and yet because they are both hiding their intentions, nothing changes. (Another "yes" to your question, because Mikan initiates this exchange.) (72)

Natsume confesses his feelings through the Borrowing Race with a mask on and an alibi supplied by Luna, like we discussed. Though Mikan figures it out really quickly, this is indirect and anonymous (84).

Mikan tries to talk about her feelings for Natsume and Natsume's feelings for her, through indirect language and hiding behind "everyone" and she thinks she's talking to Bear, and thus another indirect confession (91).

Natsume declares to the ESP and the DA class that he will protect Mikan at any cost because he loves her. He is not talking to Mikan even though she's in the room. It really doesn't feel like the goal is to inform Mikan, but to inform the adversaries that his feelings are so strong that they shouldn't underestimate him (97).

When they are being separated, and Mikan is about to leave for probably forever and--because Natsume is confirmed to be dying--she will likely never see him again, Mikan confesses to loving Natsume telepathically, something that devastates both of them (134).

Christmas... Mikan confesses her love to Natsume as her Christmas present to Natsume and he responds in kind. This is the first time either of them says it directly to the other without hiding behind pretense (144).

Actually, on Christmas, Mikan is the first to say the words "I love you" directly to Natsume, and thus she is--just as you said--the first to really confess. I'm sure there's more little moments of a similar but less apparent flavor to these, but I think I made my point. You see why this is a complicated question to answer?

I do think, in a couple ways, Mikan was first. I also think, even if none of the confessions counted before 97, that the unspoken feelings were somewhat felt by both before they were said out loud.

But to answer your second question: no, I don't think Mikan's feelings had any bearing on Natsume's confession in 97. Basically, Natsume's lack of confession before had nothing to do with reciprocation. He says in 51 that he had no intention of "winning" anyway, and his actions are of a boy who has already given up. Whether Mikan feels the same or not is irrelevant. His love for her is almost entirely selfless in nature; he is someone who believes that love is sacrifice and thus the best way he can think of to show someone he loves them is by giving up his own happiness or even his own life for them. I think Natsume would have confessed in 97 regardless of whether or not Mikan hinted to her own feelings and let me explain a little why I think so.

Natsume does not think Mikan really understands love the way he does. He underestimates her love for him, thinks of it as something that can change or fade or be given to someone else. He even considers that it might turn to hatred, but his love is unchangeable and fixed. Whatever feelings she has are really not, in his opinion, in the same league as his. Yes, this might be somewhat condescending but it is really just entirely self-deprecating.

Like I said earlier, Natsume's conflict is not about accepting his love for Mikan or even the idea of reciprocation, it's about the fact that he has no future to offer and because loving her openly would put her in danger. This conflict reaches an infuriating impasse during the Sports Festival Arc, but it reaches a fever pitch here. In the context of Chapter 97, Mikan is about to be forcibly placed in the DA class, which is pretty much the worst case scenario for Natsume. All of his actions so far have been in the effort of protecting her and if she is in the DA class, then it's all been for nothing. He has nothing to gain anymore by obeying the ESP or Persona and so he doesn't. His confession is less about telling Mikan and more about rebelling against these powers. His love for her is so strong that they no longer have power over him. They cannot control him anymore if their orders would put Mikan in danger as they have. Whether or not Mikan hears it is unimportant.

But in regards to Mikan and her hearing it and whether or not she reciprocates: it doesn't matter to him. Natsume is not in this for reciprocity or to get a girlfriend. His goal is only to protect Mikan. That is all. If Mikan ends up with Ruka or Hotaru or friggin Nonoko makes no real difference to him, as long as she is safe and happy. Would he be happy with that? No, but Natsume's happiness is not important to him, and is in fact the last priority on his list. Mikan could be cruel and spiteful and tell him this whole night that she hates him and his goals would not change. He would still dedicate everything he has to protecting her and he would probably still tell the whole room he loves her.

So in short, Natsume's confession that night was more of a "letting you know" resignation letter to the ESP and Persona than a real bona fide confession to Mikan. I mean, that same night, Hotaru and Ruka also confess but with, like, real direct words.

But this just further goes into my idea that their conflict and the reason why it takes them so long to get together is more about Natsume's life-shortening alice than anything else, even before Mikan knows for sure that he has it. Does Mikan struggle with accepting her feelings? Sure. Does Natsume hide his affections because of Persona for a pretty long time? Definitely. But the actual through line here is Natsume not having a future and both of them knowing that.

They both skirt around their feelings for a pretty long time and then they're both proven right. Their love IS devastating. It IS short-lived (they're only really together for one night). There IS no real future. He DOES leave her. He DOES end up hurting her. But it being so short-lived inspires not just justification of them avoiding the confessions, but also frustration that they didn't confess earlier--because if they had, maybe they would've been able to spend more time together. If they had, maybe Mikan would have had more time to convince Natsume his life had value outside of sacrifice. If they had, maybe things wouldn't have ended so tragically. But therein lies the issue: there is no way that would have ever happened.

They are starcrossed lovers, doomed by the narrative and they were always going to end the way they did. It's one of the most beautifully written parts of Gakuen Alice, and in my opinion is the beating heart of the story. starpeace on tumblr's quote fits this pretty well:

"i love when tragedies are like 'the love was there. it didnt change anything. it didnt save anyone. there were just too many forces against it. but it still matters that the love was there'”

After all, canonically, Mikan cannot save Natsume. Her love for him and his love for her are ineffective in action. They do not save each other despite their best efforts. It ended just as disastrously as they both feared it would, and yet they both eventually made the choice to pursue it anyway, to taste it, even if it was never going to last.

#anonymous #anon #ga #gakuen alice #natsumikan #ga meta: nm #ga meta #answered #im SO SORRY #im so grateful u asked this really really i am #i havent gotten a ga question in a while and i guess i went crazy abt it #idk why im incapable of being brief abt them but i am unhinged ig... so...#if this was a needlessly complicated answer to ur question im really genuinely sorry #i just have so many thoughts on this and probably always will bc i think abt them almost all the time #any followups or unrelated questions are also welcome tho expect me to be longwinded abt it

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