#just don't have the energy to fight to get a diagnosis

[running-in-the-dark]

well I can already tell this is gonna be a bad night

today has just been fucking weird and hard. I'm in a bad mood. everything feels bad. (probably not helped by me not taking the new antidepressant last night so I wouldn't sleep all day)

the plan was for my friend to come over this weekend to help me pack. she did that last time and it helped a lot. (my husband could help, obviously, but he's in charge of other things that also need to get done. plus he's very bad at putting things into boxes.)

but the rail strike is still going on so it's likely that she won't be able to get here (or get back in time). so now that's suddenly a lot more stressful and the one thing that I thought would make it go okay is gone.

and I also have to like. at least reread my thesis a few times or whatever to study for the oral exam on Friday. which will make me want to die. because it is bad. so. that will be bad. and the thought of being asked questions about that piece of garbage for 30 fucking minutes is so horrifying that I genuinely do not know if I will be able to get through it without taking my Lorazepam beforehand (which I know is a horrible idea, and my psychiatrist told me twice that it's a bad idea, and I know it would just make me unbelievably stupid. but holy shit that is the scariest thing I can imagine.)

and of course instead of doing anything useful I'm now just sitting here feeling like shit (like last night, only worse)

[thebibliosphere]

I probably have hEDS, have had tense muscles since I was 8 and more and more of my joints started to be in constant pain, 10 years spine, 14 years hips, then hands at 19 and now all of them. And though I'm over 40 and don't practice any stretching, I still can contort myself in any direction.

But I don't know if it's worth the energy to fight for a diagnosis? Because it doesn't seem like there is any help, other than mild painkillers and physiotherapy, and I already get that. It is so much work to convince doctors to look into the source of joint pain, as soon as they can rule out rheumatoid arthritis they stop caring. And I don't belive I will get stronger painkillers even with a diagnosis anyway.

Do you think a diagnosis is woth the hassel?

For me, diagnosis was worth it because it meant getting the correct kind of physical therapy, which is often very different from the regular kind you usually get if the physical therapist is good at their job.

Regular PT used to damage my joints more. PT designed to target hypermobility has actually helped build joint stability, retrain my muscles, and reduce some of my pain by lessening the frequency of injuries.

It’s also good to know because hEDS affects more than just your joints.

I have a lot of problems with my internal organs due to how my connective tissue is affected, and my brother, who is undiagnosed but likely affected, suffered from spontaneous retina detachment twice. When I mentioned it to my eye doctor he said, “yeah, that happens to you zebras” and now I get my retinal health assessed every six months because fuck that.

It can also be good to know because of how it affects your care during things like surgery, ranging from which anesthesia they use to the type of sutures required.

When my mother had a mastectomy, she experienced several surgical complications, including not being able to get the wound site to close, so they kept dragging her back into surgery.

When I found out, I told my dad the surgical team needed to know my mother likely had hEDS because I did, and my mother and I are carbon copies of each other. When my dad told the surgeon, he apparently said, ���Well, if I’d known that, I’d have done the whole thing differently!” and finally got my mother stitched up properly and into recovery.

In that regard, my diagnosis helped not just me but a family member, but also indicated the type of care I’ll likely need if I’m ever in the same situation.

So, yes, it's a hassle to get diagnosed and some (bad) doctors will frame it in terms of “there’s no cure so there’s no point.”

But for me, it’s not only been worth it but also vital to the management of the rest of my care. And let me be clear, there are some people for whom this is just a crappy joint disorder, and they are otherwise fine. But for many of us, we’re more than just our fucky joints. We’re an entire plethora of health problems that all cascade from our weak connective tissue, and it's important more people recognize that.

So is it worth it for you? That's a you decision. But it was very much worth it for me.

I wish you luck and fewer days of pain. This shit sucks.

[a-loose-collection-of-ants]

Ok. Shit.

I get the feeling I'm not gonna sleep tonight, and who knows, I might regret this tomorrow but I need to get some thoughts out.

I've tried to retain this idea that most people are inherently good. Some of this is the remnants of whatever religious faith I was brought up in, and some of it is just what I tell myself to stay sane. It's getting harder to think that way, but I am trying to hold on to it.

There's this image I keep replaying in my head. My dad and I were visiting family down south shortly after he had wrapped up his cancer treatment. We stopped by my aunt's house in South Carolina, and she told me with tears in her eyes about how she had started gardening again after my dad's diagnosis. There was a Trump flag flying from her roof.

On another visit to the same family members, we were visiting a college and walked by a gender neutral bathroom. My uncle made some off-color joke about it and then quickly moved on when nobody laughed. My sister (a sort of closeted trans woman) looked at me with an expression of both deep sadness, and whatever face you make when you watch a bird fly head-first into a window.

My point is, I know these people aren't filled with hatred and malice. It's not constructive to waste your energy hating them when their greatest sin is ignorance.

I barely remember the Obergerfell decision, but I remember being in middle school around the time it happened. Attitudes towards queer people weren't great, but they changed so rapidly that I barely noticed. Maybe the fact that this was when I realized I was queer gave me a false sense of security when it came to the "moral arc of the universe", or maybe it's the example I have to hold onto about how fast things can change.

It's easy for people to fall into patterns of hate when they lack exposure, and the media landscape right now is making easier to avoid that sort of exposure. The basis of the fight against extremism is education, and I think it has to also be compassion.

Don't get me wrong, I also have family that are more than likely not worth the effort ("they" control the weather and all that), but those aren't most people. Most people are exhausted by politics. They see the price of groceries and vote for the other guy regardless of who's name is on the ballot. Or they're like a classmate of mine, who didn't really like either candidate and was having trouble just voting for the "better" one.

If anything, I guess this is a reminder to myself to hold on to empathy despite everything. It's fine to feel angry. Hell, it's probably good if it gets you moving. But we cannot respond to dehumanization with more dehumanization.

I'm not really all that religious anymore, but I hold on to some things. One of them is this: All things, by virtue of being crafted by God's hands, have value. Or, as my dad said it "God don't make no shit". This goes for yourself, as well as everyone else. I can't let myself lose that right now.

I don't want to belabor my point too much, but I do want to say that I saw people saying things like "it's all over if trump wins". I'm not going to lie, it's bad and people are going to get hurt and die because of this. America was waiting for the results of it's biopsy and we found out it's cancer... but we're not dead yet. I don't have a specific action I can advocate for, but please, don't give up. Authoritarianism is a longstanding wound on this country and it festers in apathy.

Take a deep breath. Regardless of what happens, time moves forward and the sun will rise in the morning. I am going to go to work, make some dinner, and hopefully find some way to work volunteering into my schedule.

Recommended listening if you want to cry right now

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 13th of March, 2024

This is speculation only

Cards drawn on the 13th of March, 2024

Question: How is King Charles responding to his cancer treatments? How is his health?

Interpretation: A mental storm, then the calm of exhaustion. Struggles with acceptance. Feeling trapped by his disease.

Card One: The Nine of Swords

This is a card of stress and worry, of being so stressed you can't sleep at night, of nightmares, anxiety, despair, and being at breaking point.

The energy of this card is of stress and worry. It is a cold, hard energy that knots up my stomach and lays itself along my bones. Someone is very worried about how King Charles is responding or not responding to his cancer treatments, and/or about the toll the treatments are taking on his health.

The figure on the card - Orestes facing the furies - looks to me like someone who is screaming with anxiety/worry/fear - someone who can't get away from the worry and the fear - wherever they turn, the fear is there, staring them in the face and reaching for them.

Stress. Worry. Anxiety. The pounding of doom coming closer and closer. Nightmares becoming true. Being at breaking point. This is the energy that is pouring off this card. It is so strong that I can't get the why or the who - the flood of fear/stress/worry emotions is overwhelming.

Health wise, this is a card of suffering - insomnia, loneliness, mental torment, being literally sick with worry, dread about test results, bad diagnosis, trying to cope on your own etc.

This card is telling me, firstly and overwhelmingly, that someone or someones are really worried about The King, secondly (a much smaller energy) that there is concern that the news is not good or not as good as expected, and thirdly (which I have been worried about myself) that The King is trying to cope with this on his own and is not asking for help when he needs it.

I think The King is near breaking point. He has to ease up on himself and ask other people to help him.

Card Two: The Ace of Cups

Aces are new beginnings, Cups are emotions. This is about a new emotional beginning, a birthing (this is the card of pregnancy and birth) of a new emotional state. It could be turning to the spiritual for comfort, it could be struggling to accept that life has to go on in a different way, but it is something that is new to King Charles. I keep hearing the word 'acceptance', so maybe he has to accept that he can't control his disease or the progress of the disease, so he just has to 'let go and let god', as people say. I'm hearing again, this time the same voice is saying 'acceptance brings peace'. I think that once King Charles has reached this new emotional state of acceptance, then he will feel a lot more peaceful and more relaxed. I don't know what he has to accept, but that it the message I am getting from this card - stop fighting, let go of control or trying to control everything (that bit is emphasised) and just accept what is happening to you.

This card is very strongly linked energetically to the underlying energy, the Queen of Cups. They both have an energy of care and nurturing about them. There are people who want to look after The King, ease his burdens, give him a space where he can relax and focus on getting well. He just has to let them in and let them do that for him.

Card Three: The Eight of Swords

This card and the Nine of Swords form a could of worry and anxiety and stress around the nurturing and maternal energy of the Ace of Cups and the Queen of Cups. We go from a nine to an eight, which is good and bad news. Good news, because is it a regression, and that is what the cancer is supposed to do - regress back, shrink and disappear. It's bad news for The King's mental state, as he is going backwards (Swords are mental ability). Swords can also be doctors, in which case the King is going back to a doctor he has seen on the past or the treatment is regressing to what it was in the past. Something medical is going backwards (hopefully the cancer), and The King's mental state is also going backwards/regressing.

The Eight of Swords is also a card of worry and stress. Here the person feels trapped by circumstances and they can't see a way out. Energetically, this card is a lot calmer than the Nine of Swords, with an exhaustion that feels like the emotional storm of the Nine has simply worn itself out. The energy is of the calm of exhaustion, coupled with a feeling of "So I am stuck with this (trapped). Now what?" It is not the energy of despair but rather the calm thinking of when you have worn out your emotions and just do not have any energy left to really care about things anymore.

The energy here is of someone who feels trapped and/or restricted, but who is too tired to care very much about it.

Healthwise, the Eight of Swords focuses on the mental realm, indicating depression, confinement, hospitalisation, chronic pain, anxiety, fear, not being able to see a way out of your illness, feeling trapped by your diagnosis, a tightly controlled life and so on.

What stands out to me is the sense of feeling helpless, being slightly depressed because you feel helpless, having trouble accepting that you can't control your disease or your diagnosis, and the possibility of hospitalisation. I think that The King is far more worried about his diagnosis than he has let on. There may also be the possibility of another hospital stay in the future, and my stomach dropped like a stone when I typed that, so I hope that one does not manifest.

It could be that after a series of good results the King has had some not-so-good results, and that has upset him and is causing him anxiety and worry. Progress is not linear, but it is hard to remember that when you are ill and want to be better right now, this instant, or at least in a few days time. If that is the case then the emotional storm will pass and the King will continue hos treatments, hopefully with better results in the future.

Underlying Energy: The Queen of Cups.

This is coming across as a very loving, caring, and nurturing energy, as per the motherhood meaning of the Queen of Cups. This is the card of Cancer, so it could be the Queen or Prince William or both, but in all honesty I am not getting any one person attached to this feeling. It is a general sense of being surrounded by a loving, caring, nurturing energy, like when you go to sleep as a child and all is well in your world because your parents are near and you trust them to protect you. I think this card represents the family around King Charles and the many people who care for him and want him to get better. He is surrounded by loving and nurturing energy; he just has to open up and let it in and let it and his family support him.

Conclusion:

Something has gone wrong. Tests have come back with less than good results, something has gone backwards that shouldn't have, just something has happened that has set off a storm of worry and fear and anxiety in the King and in those surrounding him.

The energy that starts the reading is turbulent - very stressed, fearful, anxious, worried, not sleeping, seeing fear everywhere, to the point of having a nervous breakdown. If this is the King then he was in a very bad way.

The energy ends the reading with the calm of exhaustion and and a sense of being trapped, but not having the energy to care very much. If this is the King, then he has exhausted himself with his worries, and now he is too tired to care very much about anything.

The message from the cards is that the King is not letting go and letting other people help him. He is insisting on carrying this burden by himself. This is causing stress and worry for everyone around him. The cards are telling the King that he needs to let go of control. He needs to let go of everything and just focus on getting well. There are people around him who will help him and he needs to let them do that.

There is a loving, caring, maternal energy that surrounds the King. He needs to let it in and to lean on it for a while. I believe this is the united concern of all members of his family. He needs to let them help.

The last message from the cards is that the King is struggling with emotionally accepting something. When he reaches the stage of acceptance, he will have peace, but for now the birth of this acceptance is very difficult for him.

On the medical side, it looks as if the cancer may be regressing overall. The treatment is taking a huge mental toll on the King. He may need to go back into hospital for some treatment or repeat a course of treatment (go back to old treatment).

[bunny-hoodlum]

not tryna start fights lol. i really enjoy the descriptions of your story’s (they’re really different than most nh stories) but i hate reading unfinished works 😭 ive read wayyyy too many nh stories that end up with cliffhangers so i just wanted to know if there’s any reason why they all seem unfinished before i start getting invested

It's just an odd question to ask, is all, and you could've started your ask with this. Think about how your question came off. I had zero context behind your question and it just sounded bad. Like, most fics online are unfinished. Or they don't get updated for a long ass time. Or the writers just update when they feel like it, as opposed to most who update whenever they can.

Some people have family obligations, physical and or mental health issues.

Me? I probably have ADHD-Primarily Inattentive, I can't afford a diagnosis just yet, but I've always struggled with motivation, organizing myself, energy issues, headspace/focus issues.

Does having multiple ongoing fics seem counterintuitive? Yes, absolutely. But also, no, not at all. Because I'm having fun having multiple things to jump between.

I didn't plan to start multiple things in such a short amount of time. I participated in NHMonth2023 to the best of my ability and found out I understood how to write and thus rly enjoyed short stories, after kind of avoiding and not trying for the entirety of my fandom activity. Being in the discord has inspired most of these new ideas and instead of letting then stay ideas that I might forget about, I decided to make them a reality.

It's really all circumstantial how my Ao3 got to the way that it is. None of this planned or on purpose or all that easy to explain. Look at how long this reply has gotten already.

If you're intrigued but can't get invested, there's nothing I can do about that. If you don't like waiting for something to finish, then you don't. You already know what you like, how you want to handle your reading experience, etc.

Writing takes time. Like a lot of fucking time. When I get in a groove, it takes me all day or all week if I'm lucky. I'm more motivated to finish a chapter in single sitting than I am getting up to eat on those kinds of days, and I wish they'd happen more but I can't be neglectful like that. There's chores, there's spending time with certain people, there's my job, etc.

I actually do gotta slow my roll because my husband is feeling kinda down lately, so I'm going to try and be more available for him and work on my fics at a more casual pace.

Maybe by the end of the year you'll be able to finally read a handful of my new short stories, cuz lord knows when I'll get around to completing my slowburns and doing them justice. 😅

But yeah, just don't read them if you only read completed works? What am I supposed to do about that? 😂 Check in again in a year, see if there's any completed works. That's rly all you can do.

[xfang-is-deadx]

I need people to understand when I say I forgot something I really did forget. I forget things a lot. I don't show it very well due to flat affect sometimes, but it really does distress me a whole lot when I can't remember to do important things or even things I enjoy.

I'm sorry I forgot about that homework. Yes I have tried a planner, no it didn't work.

"You should just check it when you get home from school to help remember!" Thanks that just requires more remembering to keep it on me, write down my assignments, write down my due dates, put it in my backpack instead of leave it in my locker, look at it when I get home, and actually do the thing, let alone the steps required to do the thing, since my brain processes every step as a completely different task.

"Having adhd isn't an excuse" yes it fucking is I understand it is a problem and I don't like it either but memory issues are not only a huge symptom but also the entire reason my therapist realized I had innatentive adhd. I can't remember important things for shit. I don't decide which arbitrary things my brain chooses to keep or discard. I am constantly fighting battle after battle with my mind to do basic tasks down to things I need to do to stay alive, and a lot of the time that means all my energy goes to being a person instead of things I need to do for school.

I'm really sorry if I struggle, this (unofficial, as I haven't gone through the full process) diagnosis is completely new to me, and I am still looking for things that work. I have no clue what I'm doing, and if that affects you, I'm sorry. I'm really trying.

[neurotheascars]

First of all, no idea why this post had reblogs turned off but Ill respond here. Original post this for those who need context is here.

@fawna-lariat

First lemme get something out of the way:

You don't HAVE to do anything. You saying that just gives me the impression that you're a negativity chasing alter because that's exactly what I say when I'm thirsty for a fight.

Just because you know already that I probably won't agree with you doesn't mean I'm not listening. Word of advice- Get it out on your own blog. I'm only going to respond to you because you are being civil. But your attitude is grating to me because it feels like you didn't read a lick of the post you're commenting on.

I'm not a fragmented piece of a whole. I am a complete entity. It is extremely upsetting and triggering to keep hearing people insist that being an alter means you broke off of something. That's certainly a way for alters to form but it's not the only way and I'm tired of having "parts language" forced on to me. I know what I fucking am. I am a separate person. If you don't think I am you are denying my lived experience and ignoring the way a trauma victim literally exists. Parts language actually kept my system from healing so please fucking stop carrying that outdated claim about "shattered self" around like it's fact. It's not a reality for every system and I know more than one therapist that believes it is harmful to just assume a system is just one person broken into parts.

I'm pretty sure I've seen the sources you're talking about but there are other sources that contradict what you're saying too. My therapist honestly thinks being anti endo is a really misinformed stance in general if you need to hear that. You could really have your pick of information that proves your position is extremely narrow minded but I think you're comfortable and not going to do anymore research until you stumble upon it. You also don't seem to understand the real life context of what these studies actually prove or don't prove either.

You can send me that source, but I don't have the mental capability to comb through and properly refute claims in the manner that people like sophie and SAS do. I'm on mobile and I can't use tabs.

I've also already read a lot. I made a post a while back saying I was done with syscourse. I've also done a lot of research on entity creation techniques and parapsychology. I have 13ish years of experience on the topic and I know that mainstream psychology is only just now catching up to the reality of it all. I don't have the energy to entertain people who get dogmatic about mental health because I've deep dived in a way I can bet you haven't.

You aren't going to change my mind simply because you demonstrably don't know what I know.

Bottom line, you're talking to an alien who knows too much about this. And as a system who deals with all the dissociation and BS that comes with a did diagnosis, who was helped by created entities when we finally learned about the trauma, I frankly don't care if endos are in my community because it really really doesn't fucking matter.

Ive met cringey endos I don't like, but they don't "flood in to ruin my community" because I can block them without making them feel unwelcome and I want them to feel welcome because I don't know who they are or what they've been through. I don't know who might see me treating them poorly, and every system I'm ever met has been afraid of not feeling "valid" enough and gee I wonder why that could be when anti endos are drawing hard lines about how a system can form and behave.

And the thing is endos do know what being plural is like. Your belief that they don't isn't even a claim that can be backed with science. You're just making a sweeping generalization about what you think strangers understand. That's why I really dislike anti endos. The constant assumptions make my blood boil. I can't deal with that on the regular.

But regardless of anything you're saying about the distinction between tulpas and alters, endos are actually safer in the event of trauma occurring because their system hasn't had to deal with trauma to become organized. They have the option to be an organized system before trauma hits and are better for it because of their multiple consciousnesses.

That is just one unique way for a system to present and it's completely valid. If you think tulpas are real, but not alters then you should know that it's pretty easy for them to become alters. This is what happened to my IRL partner system. I'm not going to share their trauma story, but they are a group of tulpas that came from a paracosm that experienced trauma and now have to deal with all that extra stuff.

See you don't even realize it, but you're claiming my partner both doesn't understand what being plural is really like and that his alters aren't actually alters because he made them. Which, based on my lived experience with them, just isn't true. I don't need a peer reviewed paper to believe the lived experience of people right in front of me and that's why I don't agree with you. These studies never really concretely prove total absolutes and they don't claim to.

In fact its so easy for created alters to get all that extra trauma related dissociation with how stressful this shit world is that this distinction you're making really doesn't fucking matter in the end and only alienates people who are indeed trauma victims who might need support either now or in the future.

If you guys care so much about trauma victims why are you so hellbent on getting upset at and insulted by people who you literally don't know could be trauma victims. And if they aren't, a split consciousness configuration literally is the brain's way of dealing with trauma so tell me why it's so bad to be metaphorically holding the fire extinguisher in hand when the fire happens instead of having to run and break glass to get to it when you actually need it.

I truly don't think you know what you're talking about and saying that tulpas are real but they don't "count" as alters sounds like some highschool shit. I don't think you grasp that endos can have trauma separate from the origin of their alters and it's actually not your business if they do or not. It's only that their trauma isn't the cause of their alters. They may still have trauma that their alters help out with. I would agree that having a fragmented sense of self definitely makes it easier to create alters, but it doesn't mean you can't without the trauma.

I remember reading in a lot of grimoires and books on spirituality that anything that involves things like lucid dreaming, hedge crossing, and entity conjuration is easier for those who have been through an "ordeal". "Magic" and tulpamancy is easier if you've been through some life ruining shit. Thats all this claim that "created entities don't stick around in an unfragmented mind" means to me

Like yeah duh it's gonna take more effort to keep them there if you don't have your "head cracked open" as some spirit workers used to say.

The fact that I have witnessed with my own eyes what you say is impossible means to me that your science is incomplete.

Again, nobody is insulting you by simply existing and a lot of them do know what it's like to be plural.

[stonecrusherdrawsthearts]

World of Heroes R - X-Force

Ohaiyo, Dudes, Dudettes, and Genders that don't identify with Dude! The name's Deadpool, and this is X-Force. We're a group of highly trained mercenaries dedicated to getting the job done by any means necessary. Don't be surprised if the situation gets crazy, because that's where we get shit done!

MEMBERS

Deadpool - The team leader and the Merc with the Mouth! I used to be just another troublemaker on the street until I got my cancer diagnosis, and my dear old brother Slade (or are we calling him Deathstroke here) chipped in to give me an experimental treatment. The treatment didn't just make it so I could survive the cancer or whatever else life threw my way (mostly knives and guns) but it opened my mind to the secrets of the universe. And I'll admit, I got a little... nutty as a result. But hey, these guys trust me enough!

Domino - One of the first to join X-Force, a girl with a bit of vitilago going on that is extremely lucky. While I personally don't believe in luck as a superpower or even a concept, she does have a habit of surviving the odds with barely a scratch, and things do tend to work out her way. So maybe... yeah, no, Luck's a myth made by society to cope with the fact that sometimes you screw up.

Wolverine - Okay, I can explain. This guy ISN'T the same Wolverine that works with the X-Men, but rather a transdimensional duplicate brought here from a universe where the missions of the X-Men didn't have quite the positive impact they did here. He's been through some shit as a result, but the fact that he's here means he has a chance to remake a name for himself. Of course there is the complication that there are now two Wolverines running around, but hey. At least this one doesn't have to worry about taxes.

Shatterstar - Another of the first to join X-Force, Shatterstar claims to have come from an alien world and was one of its greatest warriors. Personally, I think this guy heard about the Kryptonians or Tamaraneans and decided to ape their choices to stand out. No judgement, just... what kind of a name is "Mojoworld"?

Colossus - Technically an X-Man I had regular encounters with, Colossus and I have become friends through the classic method of "we fight each other enough that we just kinda stumbled into a casual relationship." Sure, you look at the guy, you see a big hulking mass of metal in the shape of a man, and think "Oh, this guy must be brutal." And he is, but he often tries to excuse his own shortcomings by going on about what makes people heroes.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead - The one X-Man I can say is cooler than Wolverine on name brand alone. Sure, it's attached to a college student who never quite grew out of her emo punk-rock phase, but her energy manipulation powers make it fit like nobody's business. Y'gotta respect a girl who fits her brand no matter how little she respects you back.

Yukio - Negasonic's girlfriend, electrokinetic extraordinaire, and all-around sweetheart. I think she's probably the most chill person I have ever met, always facing everything, even my bullshit, with a smile on her face and a pep in her step. She's the kind of girl I know I'll always appreciate on my side, even if she dresses like a substitute soul reaper on the mission. Wolverine's a little more cautious of her for some reason, but I don't wanna pry.

[youuuimeanmee]

RWTGI 34 Thoughts

😆🥰🤗 I've been waiting for Kirishima's past to be translated since forever 😭😭Now I can FINALLY talk about this chapter wkdbjsnsjsjk

Out of all the mysteries presented in this series (the hell's up with Suo Azami, Renji, Yoshino's parents, the brewing yakuza civil war), Kirishima's past is one thing that hyped me up the most; mostly because I've been dying to know the background this insane yet lovable(?) ML lololol.

⚠️ Though the title is Ch 34's Thoughts, I actually started it from ch 33. If you haven't read it then what are you doing here, go to MangaDex if you don't wanna get spoiled here.

⚠️⚠️TW; Bullying, Abuse, Self H4rm, yk how Kirishima is.

👏 Okay! So!

We FINALLY get to see Kirishima's rich ass mommy and daddy 🥳🥳🥳

(tho they don't have a face, I'll take it)

Looks like the parents are busy people, they missed the fact that their son is not normal since birth. That, or Kirishima is just damn good at hiding it. Maybe both.

"My 2 classmates are fighting over irrelevant things. Solution? Erase the thing without anyone knowing. No more things to fight, problem solved 🙂"

He has a shrewd moral compass, I have a feeling he was being genuine when he "helped" his classmates. Aww my cute baby gremlin.

Or if he wasn't being 100% genuine, maybe he tore up the cards to surpress his urges for violence, to ease the boredom he felt because he couldn't feel anything while living in a normal, peaceful life.

The parents slowly realize the abnormal blood that's been there since Gaku era has never disappear from their family.

Since Gaku is the black sheep of the family, Kirishima's dad prob thought: 'Oh fuck this is uncle all over again. No wait I can do this. He already released his energy using a good outlet (karate), he just needs to surround himself with good people. Friends, yeah. The school we picked is the best; surely there's no bad influence that's gonna taint my son. No more psycho #2.' Umm, I hate to break it to you, but daddy-

Ironically, the dad might be the first person who gave him insight about the feeling of having fun by being with a friend. Up until that point, he probably didn't know the feeling he felt when he did the karate. He did it many times, and the dad claimed he liked it, but he never registered it as 'liking something' until it was pointed out to him.

(just like when kirishima threw daggers at yoshino's back until she pointed out he might be jealous of Shoma and he got a little 'ahh that explains it' moment.)

Aww look at that probing eyes, trying to search the answer of his boredom from his dad 🥺

Let's be real Kirishima could really use a proper diagnosis and therapy back then, even right now.

The smile of a child who has found the spark of his life:

LMAO seriously, he smiles because Kodaka can kick hard. The more pleasure (read: pain) he gets from other people, the more he's gonna seek it.

But Kodaka is still weaker than him, so the pleasure ends quickly.

Enter Otogawa.

She's cute. Sweet. More importantly, she's important enough to trigger Kodaka.

She told him all he needed to know about Kodaka. Great in academics, gyms, and karate. Secretly violent too. Just like himself.

"He's just like me, so we matched right? We can be friends! 😃"

Kirishima be like: FUCK YES MORE FRIENDS TO FUCK.

Remember in ch 25.2 when Kirishima told Yoshino he once formed a "friendship plan" that went down the drain?

Whelp, looks like Kodaka is that "friend." We all know how that ends, tho.

Anyways.

Thus, began Kirishima's scheme to ��️nurture✨️ Kodaka into a person who could kick him harder & also strong enough to not break easily. He befriended (read: flirted) with his crush, lured him into a desolate place, provoked him, stayed docile & easy to kick, yadda yadda.

Really an elaborate plan for someone his age, it's almost cute.

This moment of Kirishima and concealer really highlights his cleverness since he was a kid. If he buys a concealer for his bruise, it's too pricey for his budget. Parents will question unnecessarily if he were caught buying it. Solution? Pretend to return the high schooler's money (even though it's his own) so they'd do the makeup for him. Bruise covered, money covered, no one's gonna know ☺️ Little manipulative shit.

I was gonna feel sorry for him for getting beaten up, but then his innocent, excited smile turned me off so quick. Ugh.

(This is prob the beginning of his exploration to find new "fun" stuff to try. Like choking himself, for example.)

Kirishima is a pathological liar huh. Saying his birthday is in September even though it's in November. This really adds weight to his words earlier that he only revealed his true birthday to Yoshino 🥺🥲

Kirishima's plan to nurture Kodaka is going smoothly in this chapter. Maintaining good relationship with Otogawa, making him jealous and all that.

I bet bringing a 10,000 yen bill is part of the plan too, because kids need the motivation to keep coming back to him. Extorting a broke student is boring afterall.

It's been 300 days since Kodaka had beaten him up? Um. Excuse me what the fuck. With that many injuries, Where are his parents??? Did he ever get questioned at all?? Is Kirishima just that good at lying?? I'm sorry, but I also smell neglection. Intentionally or not.

Moving on, Kirishima is damn good huh. His fights like an adult, prob even better than some yakuza. He's 12. Let that sink in.

(should've seen it coming tbh, but it still surprises me.)

I wanna say he's so disgusting when he ripped the poor dude's ear (where on earth did he learn that?), but he's also my son, so...

Also, the art is so clean. My eyes is blessed, thank you Konishi.

I'm running out of gas. Yeah that's all for today! See you next time 👋

[ourghoststories]

I was losing my mind, I couldn't cope with the loud noises of the crew drill outside and around the ship going on.

I was on a carrier ship and it made me feel anxious, I thought I started hearing the voices of everyone in my past who had kept me control under HYDRA.

The avengers carrier was what I was on and it was in the ocean, I was with Bucky on the Ship and I needed to find him before I had a panic attack.

Sweat beaded my forehead as it intensified, he was on the same floor as me, I just had to make it down to his room.

Finally I made it down the ship to his room, but he hadn't answered, dang it, he would've been in the training room, working on his form for fighting, the drill was probably getting to him too.

I walked to the lift and took it up two floors, with the sirens still blaring so I felt woozy, I took a minute, before I got off the lift, but by that time it started to head up to the cafeteria.

Lucky it did because Bucky walked in and saw me "hey y/n what are you- oh shit doll you aren't doing too well and look like you're struggling with the drill" he said with a concerned tone.

"Hey, look at me, you're doing fine, you just need to look at me and breathe" he said softly, pulling me into a hug.

"I- i- Bucky, I'm having a panic attack" I breathed rapidly, feeling the panic take over.

I blanked out.

--

"It's gonna be okay, it usually happens to me but I've learnt to get used to it. I know what you're going through Doll, just trust me and try to breathe. In... And out... See like this" he explained, motioning to his chest when he was breathing.

I tried breathing in and out but the panic was still overtaking me, my eyes filled with tears and I hugged him but pulled back "I'm sorry Buck" I cried.

"Hey, calm down... I know it's hard but you can do this. If I can, you can. I promise. Cross my fingers and pinky swear" he smiled softly.

My breath hitched in my throat, the alarm subsided and I felt like I could calm down, it had me exhausted as I used up so much energy having the panic attack, Bucky knew how to help me.

"Let's go to your room, how are you feeling?" He ushered before taking me to my room.

"Don't worry, we'll be docking soon and we can get off for some quiet time, before they send us on our upcoming mission. I think you should take it easy for the next day, keep a low profile" he smiled, patting me on the back.

I planted a kiss on his cheek, he looked a bit shocked but overall grateful "thanks Bucky, I really appreciate your help. You know how hard it's been lately... I've been struggling to sleep, been hearing voices, having flashbacks. It's been awful. But you've been helping me through" I smiled.

"Hey it's gonna be okay, I'm going through the same stuff, I can barely get through a night without having a night terror, I wake up sweating and struggle. You've seen me up at ridiculous hours of the night, I can't stop shaking." He gulped, looking at the group and shaking his head solemnly.

"Hey Bucky, stop being so hard on yourself" I reassured, I cupped his chin with my hands, before slowly and deeply kissing him, trying to make him feel better like he made me feel.

"I didn't know that's what you were going to do, please do it again. I love the feeling of your lips on mine y/n" he smiled, I hadn't seen him smile like that before.

"Wow, I didn't actually think you liked me back like that" I said, unknowingly.

"You bet I do, I have for a while y/n, I just didn't expect you to feel the same about an old guy like me" he said in a more serious tone.

"Old guy, please Bucky- I like you for you" I quipped back.

He cocked his eyebrow up, as if to say he didn't believe me "do I have to prove it to you super soldier?" I laughed, reminiscing about old times.

"Hmm I'll get back to you on that one" he laughed, pulling me into another hug and returning a kiss on the cheek.

A/N----

Hey guys here's another story, one that I've written due to my recent Bipolar diagnosis which has been making things hard with my CPTSD lately, thanks for reading and being supportive

[sophieinwonderland]

I’ve noticed a desire for “othering” oneself, I think especially in people who have difficulty fitting in. It can be a way of coping with being ostracized or isolated at some point in time. For those with DID, I wonder if it may feel like the idea of plurality can only belong to them. Like if it belongs to others, it takes away some kind of specialness. It’s a shame really, because this kind of view is hurtful to everyone involved, but especially to the person who holds it. But clearly, if a person has a diagnosis of DID, they are already experiencing a lot of pain due at the hand of others. I like what you have to say about how they’re lashing out at the wrong community. It may be that the plural community, because it is a “little guy”, is an easier target.

Admittedly, I at first felt an aversion to the plural community. The thing is plurality is a concept that has existed for a long while. I think the general population just understands it with different language.

This is a solid take.

I will add that trauma is only part of it. The thing is, we see this mentality in a lot of other places.

For a long time, TERFs have had this same mentality. That the only way to be a "real woman" is to have grown up a girl experiencing sexism.

It's an interesting contrast to right-wing transphobes who will argue that being transgender is unnatural or even against God.

But listening to TERFs, you get the sense that their idea of womanhood is defined entirely by pain. And you can't possibly claim that identity if you haven't gown up suffering their same pain.

The same is true of how transmeds treat being transgender.

Ans so in all of these cases, you have groupsgoing out and hurting others because they don't think those people have been hurt enough.

All energy that could be used on fighting back against the society that hurt in the first place. But as you say, smaller communities are easier targets.

[rotblume]

24. November is Non24 Awareness Day

Non24 is a chronic neurological 'circadian rhythm' disorder (like Advanced, Delayed and Irregular Sleep) - primarily affecting the sleep rhythm, but also many other bodily functions, which are all inter-connected, such as appetite and digestion, temperature and immune system, energy and concentration or mood & mental health.

It is a very rare disease and therefore not much is known about it. As a matter of fact, and quite unfortunately, many of the medical professionals still believe it only affects blind people without light perception as the sun is the most important 'zeitgeber', when all evidence proves sighted people can suffer from it as well.

It can also be easily misdiagnosed (e.g. idiopathic insomnia/ hypersomnia or depression etc.), if there is a diagnosis at all and not only prejudiced social judgement, so that you don't even get to a sleep expert. It must be assumed that there is a high number of undetected or unreported cases, especially among sighted people.

There are very few and very limited treatment options. Those available to me, I have tried without success.

At best, they don't really work, at worst, they make me feel worse. Personally, and like most others I know of thanks to our facebook support group, I feel most healthy when free-running (meaning I follow my body's inherent rhythm and sleep when I'm tired), instead of forcing myself to day-walk and try to entrain to a more normal (= the modern average) sleep pattern (sleeping only at night, staying awake throughout the daytimes), which at some point is simply impossible for me either way - after some time of (good or any at all) sleep deprivation, my body crashes due to the lack of sleep.

I have Sighted Non24. My day is about 25 hours long.

This means that instead of having stable wake and sleep times (e.g. a 24 hour day with 8 hours of sleep between 22 and 6 o'clock and 16 hours spent awake), one day I become tired at 22 o'clock, the next at 23, the day after that at 24. If I have to get up at a certain point in time for work or university, it ultimately results in less and less sleep.

I am unable to sleep when my body is not sleepy, I literally just roll around in bed doing nothing, tired but awake. Even after a week or more of this, with the hours of missed sleep adding up, my exhaustion does not put me to sleep.

When it comes to the point where I become sleepy just as I have to get up, for a few days I might even be able to "just work through" my night, until in the end the sleep deprivation - basically the complete lack of healthy rest - literally forces my body to shut down and I fall asleep in my seat during lectures or standing in the bus.

It is an invisible disability. It's well on its way to completely destroy my life, because I am unable to even finish the education needed for jobs I could do at home on my own time.

It was a war, battle after battle to even get this diagnosis. I am still fighting to get actual disability accomoditions.

[chronicallyuniconic]

Prep for appointments🌼

~

I've got a writeup in my notes that I've been working on for my Neurology appointment so I don't forget anything & I really want them to read it or let me read it out before they chip in and interrupt my flow.

It's quite hard seeing all the symptoms I'm dealing with and how they affect me, written across 6000 words, like some sort of sad statistic. Yet if i was reading this about someone else I'd feel so sorry for them & wanna give them a hug. If I was a doctor, I'd definitely want to know what's going on (yet they never seem to?).

I feel that saying all these symptoms out loud, still won't be believed. It's as if the words I say mean something else to them.

"That's a shovel"

"No, it's a spoon actually"

A headache means a headache, you'd think. I'm not ready for any second guessing of what I'm going through.

There's about half of me, tingling, worried that the consultant will be dismissive and brush everything off, as has happened many times before. I'm worried about them talking over me, getting stressed that they will mince my words because they think I'm just listing things off a med page to get a specific diagnosis, when no, this is actually happening to me. What if again, I've waited all this time, for nothing?

I'm trying to ask myself what I want and need out of the appointment and whether I directly request something or not, like an EEG or an MRI. (I am sick of going for bloods for the same shit to show up that they never treat, i.e anaemia).

Are they just going to question me if I ask for some sort of intervention, thinking I have no clue what I'm talking about? Again, I've not got the energy to fight this anymore, even though it's for myself. I can't will that energy out of anywhere, it doesn't exist.

The anticipation is stressing me out.

[skidqrow]

🐦‍⬛Work wasn't kind, but I did what I said I'd do! I made it through the shift! And in good news, while double-checking the schedule, my vacation starts a day early! Which means that next Friday will be free and devoted to packing, setting up threads, and relaxing.

I'll be gushing a lil' over some of my writing friends below, as well as going into a bit more detail about my IRL stuff. It's a lot, but I believe most of my mutuals have earned the right to know more about me and my personal life.

(If you don't wanna read it, no biggie! Some of it's gonna be kinda' heavy and I'm sure it'll be long.)

For anyone who has checked in on me (and/or been worried), I'm both sorry and grateful. ;u; You guys are really kind. I'd hardly expected to find such a wonderful group of writers when I rejoined. From @wintereign and a few others helping me reacclimate to writing on Tumblr and @caeloservare going out of their way to consistently chat and check on me, you lot have been among the best co-writers I could ask for. Definitely the best I've had in a long while, outside of my darling wife.

But I promise: I'm okay. I'm doing my best with support from my wife and occasionally the friends I've made as I write. I also go to therapy as often as I can afford to, I take my antidepressants, and (when the paperwork is working for me) I try to stay stocked up on my ADHD meds. I just constantly struggle with working a late-night shift in an overstimulating environment on overnight shift and within a system that doesn't want to accommodate my needs as a neurodivergent individual. And on bad days at work, it can really cause my energy, motivation, and focus to dip. Certainly doesn't help my depression and anxiety, I'll tell ya. I only discovered last year I officially had these issues via professional diagnosis sessions, and I've been fighting with work ever since to get onto an easier assignment. Yet therapy has really helped me learn about my needs and coping mechanisms, and now I can proudly say that I'm improving as a person. It really helps to look back at all the progress I've made at times.

Whenever I get my mood dips, it's always temporary. I might disappear for a day or two at times, but I can't stay away too long. :p The threads I read here and the passion people share over their characters/stories keep bringing me back! You guys are really good for my mental health, I think.

Anyway, I gabbed on long enough! I need to get to bed soon!

[contentwithit]

Crohn's disease. My story.

I'm 42 and was diagnosed at 8 years old. The time up until diagnosis was troubling as an 8 year old I would eat something and in ten minutes it would have moved through me; I lost 20 pounds. At 8 years old you lose 20 pounds and you can see most of your bones, you look like the starving kids the show on the tv when they ask for money. My parents were grasping for anything to help all along, natural path experts did allergy tests, doctor said "oh he's just lactose intolerant" finally threatening lawsuit they referred me to the children's hospital, after tests and more tests they decided on crohn's and started with pednizone.

Pednizone is a steroid, it has side effects aggression, increased appetite, and healing. I remember coming home from school one day and eating 5 Hotdogs with buns and everything, and I clearly remember still being hungry but we were just out and that was an after school snack not dinner which I also ate. I remember just wanting to wrestle and fight which was a new energy for me after being so sick that all I was doing was laying down and thinking I'd eventually die. Harsh thoughts for an 8 year old.

At the time I was also taking Sulfasalazine a 5mg folic acid supplement as Sulfasalazine robs your body of folic acid or so I remember them telling me. Sulfur drugs were the goto treatment at the time early 1990's

About 8 years of treatment later things went south again, though having diagnosis mean it didn't go so drastic before they switched things up, immuran or Azathioprine and I believe Mesalamine was my second treatment. It held me until 19/20 when I had my first and so far only resection done. Taking about a foot or so totally between my large and small intestine they also took my appendix because they were in there might as well. I have a 10 inch scar up my stomach.

That was my first true remission I felt right, I pooped solid, I was a real person for a good 2 or 3 years it was magical. Then the back slide happened, as time went on things got worse again but still manageable.

I went vegetarian and it helped to, it was good for me as I kind of was a picky eater as a kid so the only thing I don't eat now for the most part is tomatoes osyters and olives.

Things started getting bad again but humira was something that started it didn't feel like it helped much but it probably kept me from backsliding more and then I developed immunities.

Started remicade and was a couple years not much help then immunities developed, after going off that my joints all seized for 6 months by the end of a day I couldn't close my hands everyday and I was hardly able to walk normally but I powered through.

Currently stelara. It's been a rough year and as you may see I'm trying restrictive diet of less meals to hopefully turn things around, which is helping me enjoy my days but is not really sustainable but fasting isn't meant to be permanent but it's still helpful.

That's most of my crohn's story 34 years and still alive, still working a full time job, still waking up everyday, I have a family of my own.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

So I hope you don’t mind my rant 🪻

Basically Ive been fighting my undiagnosed issue for years. I dont feel valid enough to call it an ED. But basically I went through a very stressful time years ago leading me to severely restrict my intake and only eat one meal a day which obviously lead to weekly binges. I purged everyday for several months. Lost a significant amount of weight. When the stressor left I maintained my new lower weight . the behavior persisted for years albeit to a lesser extent.

I had come to a place where while self conscious i was somewhat healthy. I ate well and enjoyed cooking and baking. I had treats without worries. I loved dancing and actually had energy to exercise and adored it. I did struggle with a constant urge to exercise though. Id been purge free for an entire year and I have been binge free for a few years

April comes and the stress of that time throws me back into restriction. At first I tell myself its okay. I make an effort to harm reduce and I eat three meals a day. Even with taking vitamins and exercising and losing weight the so called healthy way I have stomach pains and bloating, Im exhausted.

It continues and worsens and I restrict lower and lower. Often skipping a meal or only having one. My fatigue is terrible, I struggle to sleep and my anxiety is out of control. My skin is dry. My stomach gets painfully full easily. I am emotional. I cry all the time. I have sharp chest pains and I am cold. I an constantly dizzy and it is hard to breath when I stand up.

I am barely underweight. But I want to feel better.

Ive already been to the doctor twice but was too afraid to come forward about the restriction. Im going to a cardiologist soon.

Here is the real issue. I lied on the mental helath screening bcs I was afraid of being committted into a psych ward and My pcp recommended therapy. I made an appt and then cancelled. Since my anxiety is now so bad i cant manage i call to reschedule and try it and give it an honest effort.

Just the thought of going made me so upset I began purging again half of me wants to hide my issue from my therapist or cancel and the other half wants to come forward and see about getting help. This is also encouraging me to lose more because i feel i have to be sicker in order to get a diagnosis or be deserving of help. Im also so afraid of being committed or going to inpatient. It is my biggest fear. What do I do ?

I don't mind your rant, anon. It sounds like you're dealing with something really difficult and I think you are indeed allowed to call it an eating disorder.

I can understand your fear around being diagnosed, as it can change your life significantly. At the same time, anon, you will not be able to get help unless you take the steps to reach out for it (and follow through on them!) I know it's really hard and really scary, especially the thought of going to inpatient.

I get a lot of people saying "I feel like I need to be sicker." However, on the flipside, imagine all the people who've done lasting health damage to themselves, who may wish they'd gotten help before they'd gotten as sick as they did! An eating disorder is an eating disorder, and all sufferers deserve the opportunity to get help for the underlying cause of their disorder no matter what stage of ED they're in. You don't have to get "sick enough" to validate the fact that you're suffering. You can validate it to yourself. In fact, let me say it to you, anon. I see you. I see that you're suffering. You are worthy and deserving of help and support. I wish you healing.

(I'd like to add a sidenote here that just because you don't feel you look emaciated doesn't mean you aren't sick. Most human bodies have a LOT of safeguards against weight loss, especially in individuals who have a pattern of restricting, eating again, restricting, eating again...your body can still be struggling and deprived of nutrients even if it's stubbornly refusing to let go of pounds to try and keep you alive. It sounds as though your body is trying to express its distress to you in other ways, but are you ready to listen to it? That's up to you.)

I think you need to ask yourself what self-care steps you need to take in order to schedule a therapy appointment and stick to it. I think you know that the urge to comfort yourself by purging is counterproductive. What other things can you do to self-soothe in a healthy way? What are some small comforts you can use to show your body that you believe it deserves comfort and compassion while you work up the nerve to re-schedule?

When you do go to therapy, perhaps you could write down a script of stuff you're ready to talk about and stick to that script. A good therapist will gently push you but will also let you go at your pace and will not force you to talk about things that you're not ready to talk about. If you don't feel that connection with the therapist you meet, you can always search for another one. Yeah, I know, it's really hard to go through those steps AGAIN when you're already struggling so much. It's important, though. And when you're done, perhaps you can reward yourself with a treat. It doesn't have to be a food treat, if you are not at a point where you can effortlessly enjoy food. It can be any little thing that makes your body or soul feel rewarded, a fancy soap or a bath bomb, some art supplies or a little home decoration. Anything that helps you focus on giving yourself some love without engaging in ED behaviors.

You can go to cardiology, but until you're honest about what's straining your body, you'll only be putting band-aids on a much bigger gaping wound. I mean, still go to cardiology. But I think you know that you need to start treating the disorder, and finding ways to stay out of the disorder when stressful times come around.

I also want to address your fears around inpatient treatment. A lot of doctors and counselors will be willing to work with you around an outpatient treatment plan if you show that you want to heal and feel better and are willing to keep working toward that end. However, some people do end up in inpatient and I know it's scary to end up in a new environment and feel like all your control is being taken from you. But remember, while being able to engage in ED behaviors feels like you're controlling your life, every time you do it, the eating disorder takes more control of YOU. Think about it. You're already struggling. You're engaging in behaviors that take away the energy and time you had for the true joys in your life. You want medical professionals to help you, but you're not giving them the full range of information to help you. Do you feel like you're really in control of your life right now?

If you show willingness to work outpatient, I think your supports will probably work with you on this. However, I cannot 100% promise you will not end up needing to do inpatient. I know that's scary. You're allowed to be scared! I invite you to sit with that feeling and hold compassion for yourself and know that you're not the first person to ever be scared of going into inpatient. You also may have to talk about the possibility while seeking treatment. It's okay to be scared, I hope you know that. That's why I suggested bringing a script to therapy, so you can give your therapist a baseline for what you're able to confront right now. A good therapist will develop a rapport with you so that you feel safe working through scary topics. Healing is not the absence of fear, but knowing you have a safe person equipped with tools to help you cope with fear. Someone who will meet you with compassion, not judgment, and lay out your options for you in a way that you understand.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult journey, anon. I hope you find healing.