#just because of a diagnosis but like equating all mentally ill people or specific mental illnesses with inherently abusive behaviors is not | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rabbitindisguise · 2 years ago

Text

I agree with that last line, but before anyone just stops putting energy into relationships they're scared of losing to ableism, let me just add some things that have been helping me these past couple months:

looking up the dsm entry for my specific diagnosis and keeping it in mind, because these thoughts are common with many mental illnesses and even chronic illnesses that are disconnected with reality. Your life could be perfect and you can feel like garbage anyways, I have done that plenty myself even in totally benign situations. That's what mental illness entails in a lot of cases

magnifying the bad ableist situations or constantly fearing them will not protect me from new ones at all, and in fact may leave me with only the terrible memories because I'm too busy being fearful of fostering good ones

the idea that hiding your problems will be better for others is the devil talking, it often makes them feel like crap when they find out. It's easy to associate the finding out about disabilities with the negative reactions; it's hard to face the fact that sometimes it hurts people's feelings when I'm carrying a heavy problem but don't trust them to not abandon them if I tell them or ever have an issue. (Not that they're owed that information- it's just that people don't often know how do deal with a huge bummer like "oh I didn't tell you every time I was suffering when we went to the mall together" is like "so I just ignored the fact that I lost my shoe because I didn't want to bother you" and it can be difficult to get over the wtf reaction.) Often disabilities amplify this feeling so it's not our fault when we feel this way, but it's worth doing it scared if the alternative is not trying to form connections at all

good relationships aren't always found, they're also made by working stuff out. If someone says something ableist I've stopped seeing it as the end and as the beginning of trying to work things out.

(more stuff under the cut)

and like, I used to think this way without reflecting on it, and it really held me back as a person and stopped me from seeing my valuable traits and seeing how well I fit into what I valued in a person. Now I can freak out and know I'm freaking out over nothing and it really makes all of the difference. Feeling like we're totally alone and isolated and everyone hates to deal with us is a common theme in all of media aimed at people in middle school, because it's relatable and there's plenty of people who are a joy to be around who feel this way. And if you feel like there is something specifically unpleasant about yourself, there's always the option to just . . . consider changing it, if you can, or the circumstances that make it happen more- even if the solution is unconventional. There are parts of myself that I thought were fixed but were just evidence of parts of my life that were just sandpaper to my ability to function, and the negative things people hated where the signs of the stress I was feeling bleeding through into my interactions with others (like being uncharitable, snapping, defensiveness, irritability, and overall unfriendliness). If that means I can't watch action movies, drink caffeine, or I end up reblogging a lot of pictures of mountains on tumblr, so be it!!! I'm making more friends who don't care if I cancel the nth time for movie night or if I can't do something easy in a way that's inconvenient because I'm treating myself well and treating others well as a result of the energy I get back from that.

Plus: Lots of the time, people just want someone who thinks they're fun to hang around, who likes stuff they like, who have similar life experiences, and who relate to the world in similar ways. "Being disabled" just means for me that equation looks a bit different- I make friends with folks who do similar hobbies that are more accessible to me, I talk about my favorite shows with people who are interested in those things. We are who we are because there's a kernel of something that drives us toward what we like, and leaning into that is what makes life fun (I say, white knuckled as I stare at myself in the mirror while I weather a mood disorder)

maybe i’m just projecting but i think there’s an inherent loneliness in living with a severe mental illness that makes you feel permanently estranged from others and long for the kind of connection where you feel completely understood and accepted, all while knowing other people have their own stuff to deal with or are just not equipped to ride out the worst of the illness with you. this leads to downplaying and/or hiding your symptoms as best you can, which takes even more of a psychological toll on you. this leads to not feeling loved as a complete person, and maybe not recognizing that love when it is present, or always fearing the day people have had enough and leave. even more so if this has already happened to you. it’s so exhausting and sad

#mental illness #neurodivergence #disability #this is long #but important that I say the things I think?#social justice is not a tool to justify and rationalize inherently irrational feelings like I used to do a lot #we deserve better than punishing ourselves with the idea that we have to take out systematic oppression #before we could allow ourselves a chance at happiness #and if it is true? well then it can't hurt to try anyways #what's the worst that can happen?? we make the world a better experience for ourselves and experience ableism anyways???#that's the epitome of getting threatened with a good time

17K notes · View notes

icewindandboringhorror · 7 years ago

Photo

*starts saying “say goodbye to your PDI” every time I have to leave a room or exit a conversation *

#me hanging up the phone: allright well have a good night I have to get off the phone now.. say goodbye to your PDI #and after everytime I say 'PDI' i whisper personality disordered individual #or like a shirt that on the front just says 'hello' and on the back says 'Say Goodbye To Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individual)'#bhbGBBbb #books like this literally dont even talk about all pds anyway so it's not even applicable to me lmao #they're like #all people with personality disorders are bad and inherently abusive #you know... all.. uh... two personality disorders... ASPD and BPD #and oh uhh *looks at smudged writing on hand* Necromantic Personality Disorder #but yeah thats it.. all 3 that exist... truly every PD #''uh.. but what about like OCPD or SZ-'' '' what? who is that? look i just want to generalize and demonize people with mental illnesses #in peace i dont need you reciting random letters to me this isnt alphabet class you fool'' ''oh well i was just wondering because there are #ther-'' ''why are you being so argumentative?? you must have a personality disorder don't you.. hmm whcih of the Three PDs do you have..#let me think back on the psychology today magazine article I read once which I base all of my knowledge off of ..''#not that people can't definitely be hamrful to others as a result of their symptoms or should be excused responsibility for their actions #just because of a diagnosis but like equating all mentally ill people or specific mental illnesses with inherently abusive behaviors is not #actually very helpful in understanding abuse and etc. liek always context matters and everyone exhibits and handles their symptoms different #ly and also generally setting people up to think abuse is something that only Crzy Mentally Ill people do means they're more likely #to excuse it when the person seems normal or etc. and its kind of like overlooking the fact that perfectly mentallyhealthy people CAN be #abusive and have abusive attitudes and behaviors. It's just like when people blame racism on people just being idiots or insane or something #youre overlooking how common and deeply rooted the issue actually is because you dont want to beleive that Normal People Like You are #capable of the same harmful shit which in turn prevents people from adressing the actual problems because they just blame it on the scapegoa #t of like 'the person was just crazy!!' or etc. rather than looking at what might have encouraged those behaviors or etc #like 'oh well they're just __ and that's why they're that way so i don't have to think about it any further than that' instead of actually #like learning about what abusive behaviors look like and where they can come from and etc. and making necessary distinctions #which is a bit different with abuse but if you overlooked cultural and societal influences on people building abusive attitudes towards othe #rs then you'd likely be missing some big details lol #ANYWAY though I doubt they even mention StPD in this book so pherbrhaps not really technically about me but.. out of the books context #i am an offical PDI so thus am allowed to wear the T-shirt that all PDIs are issued upon diagnosis #some complimentary 'say goodbye to your PDI' merch

19 notes · View notes

samtheflamingomain · 2 years ago

Text

sometimes our problems are caused by having problems

In society's haste to destigmatize disorders like anxiety and depression as a "chemical imbalance" one cannot control, I think we accidentally did ourselves a little dirty.

See, and hear me out, lots of people diagnosed with Medical Depression do not have Medical Depression. They have all the symptoms of someone with Medical Depression - but the cause is not a chemical one. It's a social one.

"Situational Depression" is a well-established phenomenon, yet rarely acknowledged or put into the mental illness conversation.

If you're miserable from living in abject poverty, no SSRI is going to make you less miserable. Y'know what would? MORE MONEY.

Between telling all the younger generations that if they're sad it's a medical problem and that money doesn't by happiness, it's the perfect equation for a generation of depressed poor people pissing through depression treatments and never getting better.

Of course Medical Depression is very much a real, proven thing. But I think pretending 100% of cases of Depression are actually Medical and can't be improved by an increase to one's quality of life actually lets people in power keep our quality of life shitty.

In my personal case, I'm depressed because I'm poor. I'm poor because I'm disabled and receive the "Ontario" "Disability" "Support" "Program". I mean, I guess Ontario is right. Calling a monthly $1100 payment "support" is very generous, unlike my monthly $1100 payment. That's $13200/yr. Show me a single person on earth making 13 grand a year that isn't depressed.

I got my first Medical Depression diagnosis at 13. After a few months of therapy not helping, I started my first SSRI at 13 and a half. That was 14 years ago.

Before my first manic episode that officially made me Bipolar, I tried well over 150 different Depression Drugs - not just SSRIs, but medications made to treat, specifically, Medical Depression.

Not only did none ever work, I never even experienced a single side effect (at least that was bad enough to notice). I gave each new drug the standard 6-8 weeks to start working, then onto the next one. For 8 years.

Then when I was rediagnosed with Bipolar 1, it all made sense why Depression Drugs didn't help - Bipolar Drugs are different. So then I tried all of those. I do have a pill that works on one thing - keeping me from getting manic. Y'know, the only part of my life when I'm not extremely depressed. Relax, I do take my meds, it's not worth it for me to not.

But here's the thing: I'm not Medically Depressed. I'm Situationally Depressed, and always have been. From abuse as a kid, and poverty as an adult.

I had chronically bad health as a kid in a lot of random ways. Migraines, strep throat every few months, heat intolerance. Many therapists have gotten me to the point where I consider those things caused by the stress of always being afraid for 18 years straight.

Then, when I was 19, on November 16th 2014, I woke up refreshed for the last time. Since then, I have not felt awake. I have not woken up feeling refreshed. Not. Once. I forget what wakefullness feels like.

After 8 long, frustrating years, I finally got diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia - literally, "too tired without explanation". As a rare, neurological, sleep-related disorder, it's possibly the least-understood problem your body can have.

The studies they have done - few and far between - are very, very hard to draw large conclusions from, but there's one thing that's pretty consistent: it never gets better.

Brain science is tough. Sleep science is the top 1% of hard sciences. We barely know anything about sleep itself and advances in knowledge are slow even by scientific standards.

This means a few things: firstly, there's little incentive and ability to study it and develop treatments for it. Secondly, even if they put every resarcher in the world on solving IH, it could take forever, or it could forever remain a mystery. Which brings me to what was the most horrifying thing I had ever concieved: Chances are very likely that I will never feel wakefulness ever again.

The reason I opened with Situational Depression is because I think IH, at least from the very few anecdotes I've read, is kind of like growing up abused and developing migraines as a stress response. Except, instead of being a result of abuse, it's a result of chronically bad sleep.

For example, one person on the tiny subreddit mentioned they have always had severe insomnia and never got it treated until they were in their 20s, then had their last refreshing sleep. When the sleep study and diagnosis was handed down, the doctor explained there's no definitive cause, but when she told him she would lay awake for up to 5h a night every night as long as she can remember, he said that could very well be the cause - but he can't say for sure.

I also had insomnia for a while, but never that bad and rarely that chronic. Instead, the thing that fucked up my sleep from the ages of 9 to 19 was my active effort to avoid sleep at all costs.

I woke up May 12th, 2004 to the sound of obnoxiously loud and dirty sex. Even headphones in, full volume on a shitty mp3 player, I could hear them.

While multiple therapists have validated this as a traumatic experience, I still feel a little silly saying that that one night completely ruined my childhood. But it did. And when I tell the story, unless it's to a professional, I always downplay just how awful it was.

After a few months of waking up to them fucking a few times a week, I started working my way through dozens of ways I could try and work around it. Because when I woke up, I felt paralyzed, absolutely convulsed, cried and would have to lay there listening for sometimes several hours.

The strategy I eventually had to use was as follows: stay awake till they go to the bedroom, taking a 1/4 risk that they'll just do it in the living room and I'll be trapped. The minute their door closes, mine opens and I tiptoe down to the basement, sit in the dark for 3 hours, then, praying they're done, go back upstairs. It was the only way to nearly-guarentee I wouldn't hear them.

I did this every night from the age of 11 to 16. For 5 years straight, I was lucky to get 4 hours a night. Anywhere from 0 to maximum 6 or 7 on a non-school-day. Then when I discovered over-the-counter sleeping pills at 16 I stopped.

While I didn't tell this to the sleep doctor, if I had to guess, this is probably the direct cause of my IH. Maybe a gene is wrong or I'm missing a chemical, but like my brand of depression, I'm starting to question the Medical-ness of my IH.

Which is a weird place for me mentally - cuz for 99% of my life, I've been desperate to convince any and all authorities that no, it's not my diet/meds/exercise/sleep hygiene and most-blamed, my depression, causing my endless fatigue. To get the diagnosis, I had to get doctors to take me seriously, and giving them any reason to blame my childhood for my problems and say "go to therapy" wasn't coming out of my mouth, and therefore, wasn't in my brain for a long time.

I became convinced that it's a medical mystery and my only hope would be a miraculous scientific breakthrogh or Dr. House himself leaping out of the TV.

The only recommended medical treatment, that might work maybe if you're lucky and Mercury is in retrograde, is Ritalin and its siblings.

I'm currently on a dose of Adderall recommended for severe ADHD, and just shy of a dose that could get a normal person high - like, cocaine-lite. I can and have taken my Adderall and then fallen asleep an hour later. When asked by the doctor if I had ever done coke and I said no, he said, "Good, because even cocaine would not make you feel awake."

So I did what I had to to get the diagnosis to get the okay to start Adderall. It helps with my brain fog that comes with the fatigue but it doesn't wake me up. Mostly I did all that so I can say that I've tried everything.

And for a while, I thought I had. Because I became so convinced that it's Medical IH when it could very well be Situational IH.

The way this came to me was when I saw on r/ELI5 "Why can we have sleep debt but not sleep surplus?" which I was like huh never thought about it. I did in fact guess the correct answer, but the way one ELI5 was worded particularly got me thinking.

Basically, your brain is a phone battery. When it gets low, it gives you a warning - fatigue, sleepiness, mental exhaustion. Then if it gets really low it slows down background applications and lags and can be buggy - you can't think straight, get a headache etc. Then when you recharge it to 100, it can't get any higher, thus no possibility for a "sleep surplus".

They go on with the metaphor by saying if you let the battery drain all the time, try to do complex tasks at 3%, run on 1% (stay up super late, bad sleep hygiene, pulling-all nighters, frequently getting just a few hours, insomnia) it can damage the battery. Sometimes irepairably, to the point it will never hit a full charge again. Sometimes you'll only be able to get a few hours of use before it drains again. It can struggle to turn off and on. I think you get the idea.

While I've actually used the metaphor myself to explain IH to others, I never got very deep to the point where I'd ask myself, "I can never charge my battery to 100 - why?" because it seemed, what with the unsolved nature of IH, there was no "why".

Obviously there has to be. If we keep the battery analogy, I kind of subconsciously assumed it was a phone that just had faulty wiring from the start - like a gene mutation causing IH. But instead, what if the phone is super old, and when you first used it, you abused the battery like crazy, then took it to a shop where a guy fixed it as best he could but after so long it just can't be brought back to the state it started in?

I'm unsure whether the "Situational not Medical" aspect of IH will change anything when it comes to my hope of ever waking up again. I've accepted that I haven't. In doing so, I've made the choice that my life isn't going to continue much longer.

But if you gave me an extra 10k/yr, I'd be less depressed. Situational Depression is treated by bettering the situation. But I don't know that I can correct the situation that may have caused my IH because it already happened.

However, when the situation is in the past, it's treated with therapy. I've been convinced for a while that I've gone as far as I can with therapy, but it's something I'm going to think about.

Thanks for reading if you did.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#ih #idiopathic hypersomnia #depression #mental illness #chronic illnesss #abuse tw

6 notes · View notes

purplefixations · 2 years ago

Text

I love TikTok, I love autistic TikTok, it's really fun and really helpful to learn things. And while there is some incorrect stuff out there, it's the internet, that's going to happen.

But I swear to God, if I see one more person use the word 'neurodivergent' when they are really just referencing ADHD or autism, I'm going to unspeakable atrocities to their kneecaps!!

Now I like the word neurodivergent. It's a good descriptor word, and if you have more than one mental illness/mental disability it can describe your mental state more simplistically than listing out all of your stuffs. But the problem occurs when people oversimplify the meaning, or apply it to situations where it does not fit.

The word neurodivergent means any neurotype that is different than what our society considers typical. Any mental illness, learning disability, or mental disability (I list both learning and mental as two different things because they are technically different categories) is encompassed by the word neurodivergent. This means that any person who has a mental illness or mental disability can be categorized as a neurodivergent, if they so choose. This is especially useful if you want to explain why you are acting differently than they expected without disclosing your diagnosis or whatnot.

However, when people apply this word to themselves or other people without context (or explanation) can lead to a variety of issues. There are people who will so diagnose themselves as neurodivergent, which is not helpful to anyone. I am all for self-diagnosis, I will talk about specifically autism because that is something I have most experience with as an autistic person (low support needs). Now no one is entitled to be told about someone's medical needs, mental or otherwise. However, when you just say that you are nerdivergent while self diagnosing, that doesn't help you or anyone around you. Being a divergent can mean having a myriad of different disabilities or mental illnesses. And because there are so many under that label, all with different traits and accommodation needs, just saying you were near divergent does not give anyone the context they need to help you, nor does it help you in figuring out what accommodations you need or in figuring out how your brain works.

The biggest issue I see currently is people using the word neurodivergent when they really are only referencing autism or ADHD. As someone who has both of these things, I hate it when people do this. Autistic is not a bad word, labeling yourself or calling somebody who is autistic "Autistic" is not mean or insensitive. And when people use the word neurodivergent as a synonym for autistic, that is leaving out a bunch of people. I see this happen a lot with people saying things like "neurodivergent traits", which is a phrase that is incorrect. Because there are so many different labels under the umbrella label neurodivergent, all that have their own traits, there cannot be one universal nerdivergent trait. Which leads to people saying autistic traits (which is also a phrase that can be used incorrectly, as autism is a spectrum and everyone has different traits and both presents and internalizes things differently, but that is a topic for another time) and putting it under the label nerdivergent. Which leads back to my other issue of people equating the word neurodivergent with only autism, or ADHD as I've seen.

All this to say, when you're using the word neurodivergent, to describe either yourself or others, do not use it at the synonym for another disability or mental illness. It's all well and good if you want to classify yourself as nerdivergent, just remember to be mindful of that word and what it means to you. I say that I'm neurodivergent because I have a small list of mental illnesses along with autism and ADHD. And I don't often feel like listing those off and putting them out for the world to see. And even if you only have one diagnosis, self or official, you can use that word. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't. I'm just asking people to please not equate it with just one mental illness or disability.

TLDR: please don't use the word nerdivergent as a synonym for a single mental disability or mental illness. Leaves out lots of people, and can lead to people thinking that the word you're referencing is bad.

#autism #actually autistic #adhd #audhd #autistic spectrum #neurodivergent #neurodiversesquad #not proofread

2 notes · View notes

kirksfattitties · 4 years ago

Text

asks you can smell the privilege and internalized ableism radiate from

(tw for ableism and other bigoted implications)

i’m bad at reading tone but even i understand that this is 100% you being condescending and trying to cover it up with smiley faces and false sincerity. and i don’t appreciate that.

before i get into deconstructing your shitty ableist argument, i want to explain the reasons i believe in self diagnosis (self-dx):

even professional diagnosis doesn’t start with a doctor diagnosing you. there has to be a reason for seeing the doctor. some people see a doctor in their adult life because they’re struggling, some people are taken by their parents, some people are referred or suggested that they see a specialist. whatever it is, you don’t just see a doctor and they magically give you a neurodivergency. people have neurodivergencies before they see doctors and even if they NEVER see a doctor.

the psychiatry system is flawed in MANY ways and to say that it isn’t means you’re denying the experiences of people with less privledge than yourself. also like psychiatry isn’t gonna suck your dick. you don’t have to be a bootlicker lol

in many places (hi hello i’m from america where our government tries to indirectly kill us by not providing us with adequate healthcare! i and many other people have many issues we can’t get fixed because simply our government cares more about the economy than us), seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist or going to a mental hospital or WHATEVER is INCREDIBLY expensive. and to assume that everyone has access and enough time/money/energy/transportation/whatever to do all of that is classist and elitist.

ANYTHING medical (including mental health) is biased towards white cis men. most studies are done on white cis men/boys. because of this, people who aren’t white cis men (or people who aren’t perceived as white cis men) are often not diagnosed. the system is racist. the system is sexist. the system is transphobic. people don’t know how to diagnose autism or adhd or personality disorders or other neurodivergencies or even mental illnesses in black people and other people of color, in women, in trans people, etc. and GOD FORBID someone be in multiple (or all) of those categories. saying “just go get diagnosed :)” is a privileged statement to make.

shocker! the psychiatry system is also ableist. if you’re already diasabled (whether it be mental or physical) and you see a doctor about ANOTHER disability? the doctor is most likely going to shoot you down. or at least be weary about someone having mutliple disabilities.

also most people who diagnose are neurotypical. they have never and will probably never experience neurodivergency so they can never fully understand it. they operate off of stereotypes of neurodivergent people and usually only stereotypical behavior of neurodivergent white cis men (which, as i mentioned before, is problematic for anyone who isn’t a white cis man). neurotypical diagnosers don’t know the neurodivergent culture and aren’t trained to recognize very common things (like masking for example).

a professional diagnosis can also be weaponized. not everyone can get a professional diagnosis because there are some neurodivergencies (such as autism and personality disorders) and mental illnesses (like depression) that can have legal and medical respercussions to have in your record. trans people can be denied medical and legal transition for being professionally diagnosed. people can lose custody battles for being professionally diagnosed. a professional diagnosis can be used as justification for taking away someone’s body autonomy (especially if that person is also physically disabled).

a LOT of neurodivergencies also have some type of symptom (or symptoms) that make it difficult to interact with people. troubles recognizing facial expressions, troubles understanding certain phrases and types of speech, paranoid about people, audio processing issues, being nonverbal in an environment that doesn’t accommodate for it, overstimulation, extreme social anxiety, discomfort in new situations, problems with eye contact, and a lot more. because like. for many nd people, interacting with people is very difficult and stressful. and hey. if you want to get a professional diagnosis? take a WILD guess what you have to do? FUCKING INTERACT with people! LIKE?? JEHDJJDKEKKDKDKDS. do you know how many professionally diagnosed nd people i know who made their appointment COMPLETELY on their own without help from a parent or family member or friend? LITERALLY ZERO! and i know A FEW nd people who have professional diagnoses! so if someone has social issues that prevent them from doing tasks like calling and making an appointment, showing up for an appointment, talking during the appointment, etc and ALSO doesn’t have familial or friend support (because newsflash! people who are friends/family of disabled people can still be ableist)? almost impossible to get a diagnosis! plus, the diagnosis process is TIME CONSUMING. not everyone can focus on a task for that long and not everyone can miss work/school for that long.

so those are the reasons i support self-dx. (although there’s probably more that i’m forgetting but i have adhd and it’s hard for me to remember things!)

so hopefully you now understand my reasons for believing in self-dx, and perhaps even you’re pro-self-dx now because before you were just uneducated on these issues and how they impact people who aren’t you.

but in case you’re still anti-self-dx and probably hate already-marginalized neurodivergent people, let’s talk about this horrendous ask (series of asks, actually) that i got sent. i feel like i can feel the self hatred and internalized ableism OOZING from this ask and into my inbox, so thanks for that i guess /s

“Sometimes people who self diagnose can take away from those who are actually nd, even sometimes from themselves.”

starting out strong with the ableism on this one by separating people into “self diagnosed” and “actually nd” people. self diagnosed people ARE actually nd

there’s not a limited number of nd resources. this isn’t a math equation of only x amount of people can be nd because there’s only y amount of resources. more people realizing they’re nd will actually MAKE more resources for nd people and will bring more awareness to being nd

even IF someone self diagnosed, and they go back on it later, what harm was done? they learned some coping mechanisms? they made some nd friends? neither of those are problematic and i think they’re both actually very helpful. i think nt people SHOULD learn more about nd people and stuff because i think that will lead to WAYYY less misunderstandings and WAYYYY less ableism

“There are many people who fake nds for attention,”

hey anon, what fucking world do you live in that nd’s are cool enough to fake having? because i would LOVE to live there. like, i literally had a post about my personality disorder (which i will not be specifying) i had to delete because people were sending my anons about how i was “scary” and “threatening” now that they knew i had the personality disorder i have. last year i left a discord server because the ableism i was recieving from not only the members of the server, but the mods as well. there are very few people i know irl who i tell about my personality disorder, but when i tell people about my adhd, they start treating me different. they infantalize me and make fun of me and use “jokes” about stereotypical adhd behaviors to alienate me and they even TELL OTHER PEOPLE without my permission. i was SEVERELY bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being nd. i have been refused job and educational opportunities as well as literal medical attention for being nd. people aren’t “faking” being nd, and if they were they probably wouldn’t be doing it for long because it’s not something that’s EASY to deal with.

kinda ironic that you’re saying people can’t diagnose themselves but that YOU can tell when someone is faking their diagnosis. that’s both hypocritical and a double standard.

masking exists. if you think someone isn’t “acting nd enough” they’re probably masking because they’ve been fucking bullied and harrassed. also you’re probably basing whatever you think nd is on stereotypes. not every nd person is sheldon cooper lol.

this is a side note but can we talk about how you’re literally just taking transmed rhetoric and molding it to fit nd people? like. you really come onto MY NONBINARY NEURODIVERGENT blog and expect me to validate your recycled “but what about the REAL [insert group] people?” ??? like grow up, elitist. you’re not better than anyone else just because you lick some boots 🥾 👅

“and claiming that self diagnosis (and this is just what I interpreted) is just as valid as professional diagnosis”

it is 😌

the only difference between self diagnosis and professional diagnosis is that a professional diagnosis can also get you medicine. not every neurodivergency needs meds and not every neurodivergency can be treated (at this time or even ever). for example, my pd (self diagnosed) doesn’t have a specific treatment but multiple symptoms of the pd (all professionally diagnosed) have specific treatments and medicines that work, so patients are given/diagnosed with/prescribed those instead. also, medicine doesn’t work for everyone! and sometimes people are allergic to or take medicines that will conflict with any new medicine.

“can really devalue the account of someone who actually has a disorder”

here we go again with that “self diagnosed” vs “actually nd” bullshit. literally just say you hate poor people n minorities and leave lol

someone having a different experience than you isn’t devaluing you, but if you’re the one who always has the spotlight maybe you should use your privledge uplift other marginalized people instead of feeling angry when everything isn’t all about you 100% of the time

“I have a second ask”

i don’t want it

“Plus it can be damaging for a person if they self diagnose wrong.”

how? what if they learn information that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise known like coping mechanisms that help them with their own neurodivergencies? that’s definitely not a bad thing

i think it’s funny that you bring up that people can self diagnose wrong and don’t even MENTION that doctors can diagnose wrong. like. you know. the people who GIVE OUT MEDICINE to people. i think it’s MUCH more dangerous when a PROFESSIONAL diagnosis is wrong. what are self-dx people with wrong diagnoses gonna do? read up on nd tips? maybe smoke some weed? drink some coffee? that’s about all they can do with a self-dx. but if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives you an INCORRECT diagnosis, they can ACTUALLY fuck you up.

“I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, a disorder which I would have never considered I’d have.”

that’s great about your professional diagnosis! i don’t know you but i’m glad you’re finding out about yourself and getting the help you want and/or need /srs

sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly i’m not surprised you never considered you could have PTSD. based on your asks, you sound like you have a lot of internalized ableism you need to work through and a lot more research about neurodiversity you need to do. being anti-self diagnosis is a common belief among a lot of people with internalized ableism and a lot of these same people are the ones who have no issue with and even SUPPORT auti$m $peaks. many nd organizations that are run BY nd people (like asan) actually support self-dx.

“If I had of diagnosed my own symptoms and then started treating myself or taking precautions based on my self diagnosed "condition", it could of really hurt me.”

how? taking precautions to preserve your mental health is NEVER a bad idea. i’m not ptsd, but someone i care deeply about DOES have ptsd and has shared a lot of the precautions and coping mechanisms for ptsd with me and honestly they’ve been incredibly helpful. it’s almost as if different neurodivergencies and/or mental illnesses have overlap and that’s why there’s a whole community for us to be able to share these resources and information with each other!

the same person was rejected a formal autism diagnosis because of their ptsd, plus the fact that they’re transgender and the fact they have symptoms of adhd. it’s not really my place to talk about their experience with professional diagnosis, but i’ll send this post to them and allow them to add on their experience in a rb if they’re comfortable with that. but it’s almost as if their experience with the professional diagnosis process was unhelpful, harmful, ableist, and transphobic 🧐 and unfortunately this is a pretty common experience

“Also, by self diagnosing, I devalue the account of a person with the disorder l assumed I had.”

how? if someone thinks they’re nd, they have a legitimate reason for thinking so. either they have another neurodivergency than the one they thought they had, or they’re neurotypical and need to figure themself out and have a need for support. either way, they learned more about the specific neurodivergency, more about the nd community, and more about themself. i don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

if you think self-diagnosed people’s experiences inherently have less value, that is straight up ableism. especially considering that other marginalized identities and minorities have trouble getting professional diagnoses, you might also be bigoted in some other way. or at the very least, refusing to acknowledge your privilege.

“only one more I promise”

i don’t want it

“I understand that doctors are expensive and professionals can get it wrong,”

okay. if you understand this, then dm me your information so i can bill you for the cost of my professional diagnoses, the cost for my therapy sessions, the cost for my medicine, and the cost for transportation to and from all these places. PLUS the cost of the work and school i’ll be missing for these sessions. 🤲

“but self diagnosis can be really harmful to yourself or others.”

nah, you’re just ableist and a gatekeeper lol

“If you feel like you have a disorder, go see a psychiatrist, you may have it.”

[remembers when i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with two major symptoms of a personality disorder and said i had other symptoms of the pd as well but refused to diagnose me with the actual personality disorder because i was a minor at the time and he told me “kids don’t have personalities so they can’t have personality disorders”. i understand being weary about diagnosing children with personality disorders because they aren’t fully developed but this dude straight up told me that i didn’t have a personality. this man literally only worked with children so that means he literally never diagnosed personality disorders. this man was literally just lazy and didn’t care about his patients. this man also refused to believe me when i told him the medicine he prescribed me made my symptoms worse and even made me hallucinate. he ignored me and refused to change my medicine so eventually i just changed psychiatrists and they put me on a new medicine that DIDNT make my symptoms worse and DIDNT make me hallucinate. also i looked it up after our session and apparently ONLY people with my pd and related ones experience hallucinations on that certain medication. it’s almost like his refusal to diagnose me and ignoring my symptoms/concerns harmed me. this man also constantly misgendered me and told me that homosexuality and transgenderism should’ve still been in the dsm. like golly, it’s almost as if being queer and neurodivergent in an extremely conservative state is harmful and dangerous. and that psychiatrists aren’t immune from being homophobic and transphobic and ableist.] but yes :) perhaps i should see another psychiatrist in this conservative state :)

“I don't want to undermine anyone's actual experiences, but it can be dangerous.”

then stop undermining people’s actual experiences :)

no ❤️

“If you feel like something's wrong, go see a professional.”

the whole point of the neurodiversity movement is that there IS no such thing as a “normal” brain, so saying that neurodivergent people have something “wrong” with them is ableist.

💰 🤲 hand it over

“I don't want to offend, I just don't want anyone to get mislead or hurt. :)”

you absolutely meant to offend. you literally said that self-diagnosed people’s experiences aren’t valid and have less value than people who have professional diagnoses

i know more people who have been (and personally have been) mislead and hurt by professionals than by simply existing as a self-diagnosed person

also i want to say that being pro-self dx is NOT being anti-professional/formal diagnosis. i think that people should absolutely get a professional diagnosis (if they are able to without negative repercussions)! being pro-self dx is more inclusive of marginalized people (like people of color, women, lgbtq+ people, people with multiple disabilities, etc). pro-self dx is simply just saying that professional diagnosis isn’t the only option

(neurotypical people and anti-self dx people don’t add anything; pro-self dx neurodivergent people are allowed to add with their experiences if they want)

#asks #long post #nd adventures #ableism tw #sexism tw #racism tw #transphobia tw #misgendering mention #medical abuse mention #not star trek #homophobia tw

61 notes · View notes

crstapor · 4 years ago

Text

Terror White

“You’re either with us or against us.” - George W. Bush 

On January 6th, 2021, domestic terrorists invaded the Capital Building in an act of political insurrection. Their intent was to overthrow the will of the people by preventing certification of a free and fair democratic election. They did so at the behest of their political leader (who was impeached a second time for inciting this gross transgression of his oath of office), other voices in their party - the so-called GOP - and talking head agitators inhabiting the far-right media echo chamber. Nearly to a man, a woman, a they, each of these terrorists were white.

Images of ‘good old boys’ traipsing down the halls of the people’s house waving confederate battle flags, kicking feet up on the Speaker’s desk, walking off with public property or smearing their shit on the floors pervaded the internet. These images provided by the villains themselves, posted shamelessly to social media profiles.

As a result of this treasonous, insulting, juvenile, despicable, and ultimately futile effort five people died. Even still, hours after the fact, a majority of members of the so-called GOP voted in accordance with the will of these terrorists. They voted to overturn the results of a free and fair election in the world’s oldest modern democracy. They did so because they believed there were serious ‘concerns’ (‘concerns’, let’s be clear, that started with them and like the Ouroboros, ended up with the confusing, if unhygienic, phenomenon of not knowing where their mouths or assholes ended or began) with the 2020 presidential election. After over 60 court cases arguing that point only one was ruled in their favor. None of the 50 States comprising our union found any evidence of wide-spread fraud. Indeed, a federal agency tasked with monitoring election security stated unequivocally that the presidential election of 2020 was one of the most secure in a generation.

And yet? There they were. Spouting conspiracy theories, assaulting police officers (those stalwart stewards of the ‘law & order’ they otherwise claim to love), brandishing spears and bearskins, stealing mail, leaving death threats to the Vice President, fundamentally acting the fool. A bunch of bullies let out of detention with rage and rebellion on their minds.

Let me be clear: each and every one of these terrorists should be hunted down by law enforcement and charged to the fullest extent of the law. They should then be prosecuted and the judges in each and every case should show or allow no mercy. These barbarians must never be allowed to storm the gates again.

Fine.

But that’s not the really interesting question here. The far-right has been producing assholes forever (one of the few things the ‘right’ is truly consistent at). What’s actually interesting is how these insurrectionists arrived at the conclusions they did. Which is to say; how did their ‘thinking’ bring them to this point.

While it might be tempting for some on the left to see that last sentence as a joke, let’s remember we’re sitting at the adult table. These terrorists, being human, sharing our genetic code, are people - real, live, eating, shitting, fucking, anxious, sleeping, scared, afraid, terrified people - just like you and me. As much as it would be easier if we could see them as Uruk-hai instead of our brothers and sisters, sadly? That’s what they are. Family. Part of the Human Condition.

Though humans that are clearly very, very, very sick. My diagnosis? Mind Cancer. Let me explain, under the assumption my readers understand the difference between mind and brain. As such, I am not asserting that the terrorists are physically sick. From their pics and videos it’s clear many are - obesity, hypertension, anal retention - though that isn’t the point. It’s their mental programming, their minds, that have been infected. Infected with what?

Put simply? A disjointed ontological phenomenology obscured, obfuscated, and accelerated by persistently chaotic epistemological aberrations. Said plainly? Their ability to process reality has been impaired.

Why? Racial resentment, poor economic opportunities, an aversion to books and learning? Yes. All that. Plus? The internet, which has created a new Dark Ages.

Paradoxically, one built on light.

Look. Self-interested demagogues intent on self-aggrandizement are nothing new. Nor are their ability to rally or rile a downtrodden populace. Sadly, demonizing the ‘other’ is also pretty par for the course in these scenarios. An old story, all told. What’s new this time is how it happens.

In a single second - count it out! One Mississippi - a beam, or photon of light moves 186,000 miles. Roughly seven times the circumference of the Earth. The new speed of hate. The internet, that modern marvel ushering in Humanity’s first truly post-scarcity resource, is built on light. Philosophers have for millennia wed knowledge with light. And now we all (well, those of us in the post-industrial world) carry a terminal connected to this internet in our pockets. A stunning marvel of human ingenuity. One would imagine that access to such a wellspring of knowledge and information would have a truly edifying affect on the Human Condition. Perhaps, in aggregate, or retrospect, it will. At the moment?

Yeah ...

At the moment it seems that the more access to information humans have the more they double down on tribal identities, wish fulfillment, instant gratification (read: porn), perceived slights, fantasy lands, Rick Astley videos, or the jibbering incoherent rantings of simple capitalists fomenting the fragile emotional states of low information individuals who feel they have no place in this world. This is a fundamentally devastating epistemological conundrum. Why? For centuries the barrier to the future was the amount of information, knowledge, you could access or process. Yet here and now? Here and now there might be too much access. Too much information. More so, the striking fact that our ability, as a species, writ large, to process or parse this information has not kept pace with the information at hand. A sad equation that inevitably leads to moments like 01/06/21.

The Trump Terrorists of January 6th, 2021, weaponized the internet to facilitate their attempted coup. As did their ‘dear leader’ throughout his humiliating single term in office. In fact, it was the geometrical acceleration of connectivity and interconnectedness enabled via the web and its insanely capitalist platforms that allowed for their ‘movement’ to incubate and evolve. While it is true that neo-liberal policies advocating globalist economics and monetary policy are at the current root cause of most ills genuinely affecting rural, or poor, or uneducated MAGA-heads, it’s also true that apart from an Independent from Vermont no one in the political economy of the last couple decades gave much of a shit about these poor and dispossessed inheritors of old racial mythemes and toxic narratives of self-reliance. No one that is, other than their ‘dear leader’. Never mind he didn’t intend to ease their suffering in any material, or structural way. He talked about it. He tweeted about it. And then he gave them a little song and dance at the rallies. Breathtaking stuff.

However, it wasn’t just the performative act of playing ‘authoritarian’ that got them hot and bothered. No, it was at the same time the eternal need to belong to a group, the legitimate feeling of economic obsolescence, coupled with these new tools of information transmission. Tools that at once gave them powers unheralded and seemingly ensconced them in a protective shell, a perpetually larval manifestation of all their baser inclinations. A reactionary ‘safe space’ from which they could launch a thousand ships of intolerance and hate. What good is truth if you can’t weaponize it? What good are facts if you share them with everyone else?

And so we find ourselves revising Plato. There isn’t just one cave in which we are chained, kept from reality. There are multiple tunnels, alcoves, deeper caverns in which we might dwell. Furthermore, if lucky, there are different days, vistas, egresses in which we can escape from the confines of ignorance. Much like the lucky Mormons, it would seem the far-right believes there are plenty of planets in which ‘Truth’ can dwell. Never mind that multiplying ‘Truth’ in such a way doesn’t actually produce more truth.

In fact, it reduces ‘Truth’. Impoverishes it. Hollows it out.

Which is sad, really. For the major harm caused by these rebels isn’t to our democratic institutions, nor our mythological vision of our nature, nor that ever-loving economy - but to the very fabric that binds the social contract on which all the preceding rely.

That fabric being, specifically, a shared objective reality.

How can we survive if we can’t agree on basic facts? Can a multi-racial, multi-cultural, representative democracy exist when a large percentage of the comprising citizens don’t believe in, or even acknowledge, that that’s actually what’s happening? Is White Supremacy so fundamentally a part of our nation’s DNA that the country can’t exist without it? If so, for those of us who vehemently oppose White Supremacy, the question might then be: is the country worth saving?

Most versions of Western Ethics indicate that violence is not the cure. Nor do I advocate such a position. At the same time I’m deeply troubled, because due their illness these actors are neither rational or coherent. Ergo, we can’t reason with them either. So what next?

To corral the revolutionary, if inchoate, spirit of these sick, fringe minds diseased as they are by hate, grievance, and digital oubliettes would any policy proposals be acceptable? Perhaps as fantastic an idea as the images from 01/06/21, what if the Federal Government decided to halt its obsequious sycophantry to corporate America and ‘elites’ and instead actually, seriously, emphatically reinvested in the heartland, in Main Street, in the working class? Wouldn’t it be ironic if a little more socialism was truly the cure these hatemongers require?

Maybe we should step back and listen to the wisdom of George W. Bush.

Confronting what was at the time the most disheartening terror attack on the homeland, Bush made clear not all who could otherwise be lumped in with the terrorists were terrorists. In the same way that, yes, not all Trump voters are Trump Terrorists.

Even so. Bush made it clear you needed to pick a side.

With us - toward a diverse future in which the promise of the Founders is emboldened and expanded for all who live between our shores. Or against us - back to your stunted hovels and holes with all the other low information troglodytes you like to cosplay revolution with.

Choose.

It’s your call. But choose quickly, because history is watching, and only one path moves toward the future.

C. R. Stapor Longmont, CO 01/16/21

#January 6th #terrorism #domestic terrorism #the internet #social media #revolution #insurrection #01/06/21 #low information #mind cancer #George W Bush #Trump #GOP #epistemology #white #essay #philosophers on tumblr

15 notes · View notes

helkiedustballs · 4 years ago

Text

Mental Illness and the Horror Genre

An exploratory essay by Emma L. Gilbert

The relationship between horror media and mental illness is messy, and on many occasions outright screwed up. Today, I’m going to take you through various examples of horror films that utilize mental illnesses and disabilities, often as a central theme, and examine how exactly mental illness is used to benefit the tone of each film, and how some of them may or may not use it in a distasteful fashion.

Without further ado, here we go!

“Psycho” is the earliest film I know of at the moment that utilizes mental illness explicitly as a sort of evil or “villain”. The big reveal is that the character Norman Bates’s late mother developed as another personality inside his head which, very clearly, resembles Dissociative Identity Disorder (we will actually be talking about DID more than once today, as it appears to be the most common mental condition used in horror movies next to psychosis or schizophrenia).

I can only assume in the time of “Psycho’s” release, this portrayal was considered anything but realistic to general audiences (The term “psycho” is even considered a slur nowadays by a fair few mental health experts and activists). Mentally ill individuals were but a disturbed fantasy in the minds of the public, and in many ways they still are.

In more modern times, mental illnesses on the “scarier” side (like DID) are seldom understood or spoken about, and this makes them a very easy target to use as driving scare factors in horror films. We fear what we don’t understand, we know this, we’re talking about it a lot nowadays, but movies similar to “Psycho” that use such things as plot material for their stories still get made so carelessly.

Let’s dive into another example more thoroughly:

“Midsommar” is a 2019 horror film directed by Ari Aster, the man behind “Hereditary” (which we will also be discussing). I know a lot of people love this movie, just like people love “Psycho”. It won just about every award from Fangoria’s 2020 “Chainsaw Awards”, which are completely fan influenced. But it completely missed the mark for me because of a couple instances involving disabilities. And while these instances are miniscule, it��s the fact that they are so miniscule, so “tossed in”, that bothers me.

My first problem begins at the start of the movie. We open with our lead fretting over an ominous email sent to her by her mentally ill sister, which is all well and good. But the ultimate result of this situation is that she was right to be worried, as her sister had hooked herself up to a car exhaust pipe which she used to poison herself and their parents, resulting in the death of all three.

This is… extreme. And while it’s absolutely okay to be extreme (I’m one of those horror fans that enjoys a little extremity), it’s peculiar, and yet not so peculiar, to have it alongside the aspect of the opening I’m about to explain.

The illness of the sister character is specifically labeled as bipolar disorder. Why is this specifically a problem for me? Mentally ill people can be dangerous, that’s an indisputable fact. But I’m gonna pause “Midsommar” here, because it’s a good time to shift over to a movie that I believe suffers the same problem.

“Split”, both in the title movie and in the ensemble “Glass”, refers to anti-hero Kevin Crumb’s disorder as Dissociative Identity Disorder (there it is again!). This was a problem since the very conception of the first film, because it’s doing that thing where a mental disorder is used explicitly to make the villain of a horror film scarier. And while the character of Kevin isn’t ultimately seen as evil, the film still misconstrues many things about DID in order to keep its creep factor (like, people don’t wind up with evil alter egos who kidnap and kill people in a cult-like fashion, and people with DID do not go through extreme physical altercations when different personalities take the front).

This was many folks’ first introduction to the very concept of DID, just like back in the 60s with “Psycho”, and the movie does little to deter the audience from taking what they are seeing as factual. It really drives home the fact that Kevin has this disorder that is real, using that perceived realism to enforce the horror of its story. It uses a lot of typical “professional” imagery and dialogue, such as namedropping the disorder and having the character attend a therapist regularly on-screen. These things in film tend to equate in the general ignorant public’s mind to something bordering on or outright factual. While I choose to believe most people recognize the easy potential for illegitimacy in fictional movies, I still notice, even in myself, how further research is seldom enacted, and the information granted by that movie remains present in the back of our minds.

I’m not trying to say this is entirely the fault of the team behind “Split”, because I believe people should be responsible for recognizing that not everything they see is true, no matter how legit it looks. But the fact is that people are stupid and do take stuff like this as fact whether they realize it or not, and I think that filmmakers and storytellers should hold a little responsibility for making sure their highly fictionalized portrayals of real things (especially real people) don’t get taken as hard fact. Easy resources for understanding complex mental conditions are not popular enough or offered enough to garner the public’s attention; I’m sure someone would rather watch “Split” instead of reading a textbook on DID studies.

All that being said, let’s go back to “Midsommar”. The mention of bipolar disorder is a one-time occurrence, but it still sticks out to me; both because I noticed a trend in Aster’s films of using mental illness explicitly (like I said, “Hereditary” comes later), and that this diagnosis is used at the ultimate expense of the sister.

Throughout the movie, Terri (the sister) is seen as a scary, taunting ghost through Dani (the lead)’s eyes. She is only ever depicted as that terrifying last picture of her, with tubes taped to her mouth and their parents beside her. She also seems to be looking right at Dani in these sequences, too, if I’m remembering correctly. It’s a fearful memory; her sister is a villain.

Using a disorder described as a “mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and ability to carry out daily tasks” to tie to a character that was unhinged enough to plug herself into a car exhaust pipe to kill herself and her family seems… like a reach, to me, at least. She would’ve had to plan that out- it takes serious dedication, supplies, thought, and time to pull that off. Bipolar people can be prone to sudden outbursts, not necessarily to planning and executing an intricate double homicide/suicide.

What I’m trying to say is that there’s no way bipolar disorder was the sole cause here. There were clearly more “things” she had going on, but the only thing they say is that she’s bipolar, therefore suggesting that is the reason behind what she did, and then treat her like a vengeful ghost the rest of the movie.

There is perfectly good reason for Dani to see her sister as something sinister, though. Literally the only aspect of this plot point that messes it up for me is that we have a “diagnosis”. It doesn’t feel right to me to use such a common and non-extreme illness for the sake of being like “ooh check this out, this is a real mental illness and mentally ill people do bad stuff sometimes, look at that! Look!” It’s lame, and unkind, and, like “Split”, borders on irresponsible. It’s times like this where a character’s mental condition could use a little more ambiguity, especially when it’s literally never brought up again. It’s so nonchalant, so careless, and that’s what bothers me.

Now, I’m gonna move away from mental illness alone for a hot second and explore how “Midsommar” treats its other disabled character.

“Midsommar” depicts an explicitly inbred character with a facial deformity named Ruben who lives with the Swedish cult and is treated like a sort of “higher being”. They are clearly treated with care, but through the gaze of the American characters, we see them as off-putting. And, again, this framing makes sense, as Ruben was purposefully conceived through incest because of some misguided religious belief that disabled people are closer to clarity.

But, stop; what is this portrayal doing, again? It is doing that thing where it uses a disabled character to give us the creeps. And this is made worse when Ruben goes on to kill and skin one of the American characters, and then wear his face as a mask.

Okay, listen. It’s wrong of the cult to purposefully bring a very physically and mentally challenged individual into the world for religious reasons, but that’s not relevant to my point. Yeah, it’s weird, but people like that character are real- and, no matter how they came to be, they’re here now. Why are we always looking at these people with pity or fear, and normalizing that reaction? It can be jarring to see someone who looks like that, sure, but they’re a person, and should be treated like one.

Oh, and not to mention having Ruben wear the skinned face of a “normal” person is absolutely representative of wanting to “look like everybody else”, which is a screwed-up narrative especially when you’re using the disabled person as a straight-up monster. I get the whole “skin the fool” thing, that was funny, but did we have to do that? This is Ruben’s “normal”, and that’s not an awful thing.

Before we reach “Hereditary”, I’d like to say that the utilization of deformed people as killers and monsters in horror is, I think, arguably more prevalent and inescapable than the use of mental illness by itself. It’s present to a point where we just have to deal with it and the amount of irreplaceably iconic villains with facial deformities, but I’d like to believe that we can do better and move past that. Make a monster, not a person.

Let’s get cracking on “Hereditary” now, which I think uses mental illness as a much more core aspect to its story than “Midsommar”. Again, Aster makes it clear out the gate that our evil character (the grandmother) was indeed mentally ill, and this is, again, used at the character’s expense.

Now, I wanna keep this short, because with how much I went off talking about “Split” and “Midsommar”, I think that what I find troublesome about a movie called “Hereditary” about a mentally ill cultist grandmother passing on her “lifestyle” to her family is rather obvious.

I mostly want to discuss the character of Charlie, because her portrayal is what bugs me the most. My gripe with her is that she is very obviously autistic, or something along those lines, which is framed as a creepy thing about her. She’s supposed to be some kind of “chosen one” that her grandmother wanted, and I guess this was grounds to have her be the “creepy one”. But this can be done without making the character blatantly mentally compromised (and before anyone comes for me, I’m autistic, and despite the many wonderful things about it, it also does hinder me from some basic things in life, so, yeah, it’s compromising). It’s just so tacky, uninspired, and tired.

In regards to other characters, we see Annie speak of how her grandmother suffered from mental conditions (I can’t recall whether or not one was specifically named), and then watch her exhibit various “scary” symptoms herself (trying to set her son on fire, etc.), which grow worse post-Charlie’s death as she is wracked with grief. Annie’s case isn’t quite as terrible as things such as “Split”, as she never actually does anything, only attempts and then snaps herself out of it (before the end of the movie where everything goes to hell, of course). My main problems, as mentioned, are with Charlie and the grandmother, mostly Charlie. I just wanted to attempt to cover all “Hereditary’s” portrayals at least briefly before moving on to my next subject.

Now that I’m done being mad, let’s explore another recent horror film that uses mental illness as a core aspect.

“Daniel Isn’t Real” is a 2019 film by Adam Egypt Mortimer about a boy (Luke) who experiences a traumatic event as a young child, which he copes with by manifesting an imaginary friend named Daniel. Daniel doesn’t stick around, though, as he tricks Luke into poisoning his mother, almost killing her, and resulting in the two locking Daniel away.

It’s incredibly easy to decipher the, once again, use of DID symptoms. One could easily push this movie aside due to this fact, as clearly, the mental illness is used as the spooky horror thing again. But I’m of the belief that this film handles itself a little better than the likes of “Split”, and here’s why.

It’s a bad thing to use mental illness as your villain, unless you do it right, and there is a way to do that. Luke (the mentally ill person) isn’t the villain, Daniel (the mental illness symptom) is, just like Kevin isn’t “Split’s” villain, but the important difference is that, in “Daniel Isn’t Real”, the audience sympathizes realistically with Luke, doesn’t turn his illness into something extremely outlandish. In “Split”, the audience is following the heroine, who is terrified of the outside force that is Kevin and his personalities. “Split’s” DID is otherworldly and threatening. “Daniel Isn’t Real’s” DID is threatening, but something the audience and Luke hold hands through and fight together.

Aside from some muddy metaphorical aspects (assuming I’m reading it right) and the use of some racial stereotypes common in horror films, “Daniel Isn’t Real” is on the upper end of horror featuring mental illness.

It is also worth noting that there is actually a specific mental illness brought to attention in the film, schizophrenia, as Luke is seen reading a book about it once he starts realizing he’s losing control of Daniel. But this is merely a suggestion, as he doesn’t actually know what is going on in his head and we never get an official declaration of his condition. This brief clip pretty much only helped in solidifying my perception of the story as about mental illness first, and a demonic imaginary friend second. If you ask me, I think dissociative identity disorder fits more with the film than schizophrenia, but my knowledge on both of these disorders is relatively “bare basics”, so take that with a grain of salt. And besides, from this point on I’m going to be looking at the portrayal mainly as an undefined trauma induced condition.

I view Daniel as a visual representation of Luke’s mental condition. He is rude, and childish, and malicious, nothing like who Luke is, who wants nothing more than to get rid of him. Mental illness can feel like there is some evil thing in your brain telling you awful things and threatening your existence, and Daniel represents this feeling perfectly.

Going even deeper, the movie opens with a shooter entering a small café and massacring multiple patrons and themself. One of the things that causes Daniel to manifest is Luke, having left his home where his parents are shouting at one another non-stop, coming face to face with the dead shooter. It is later revealed that Daniel, an ancient demonic “imaginary friend”, was inhabiting the shooter at the time, thus making him the cause of the massacre. And he chose Luke as his next host on that fateful day.

Pause now. We’ve got a blatant mental illness metaphor, and it’s the direct cause of a murder. Why am I more lenient on this and hard on things like “Midsommar”? It’s because this detail plays into what I view as a very interesting interpretation of mental conditions and their preceding trauma.

Looking past Daniel being a demon, I see this as the shooter struggling with the same or a similar type of mental condition caused by a past trauma. This person was sick, as all terrorists of this breed are. Again, this narrative is helped by the fact that we are following Luke and not someone on the outside of his problem, and therefor understand the real lack of control had by anyone Daniel (A.K.A. mental illness) has touched, and, more importantly, the helplessness they feel.

Am I saying people who enact gun violence are partially innocent and have no free will? No, that’s stupid. The real point of me bringing this up is simply that I find it interesting how the film looks at trauma as sort of a contagion. Hurt people can hurt people, and traumatized people can traumatize people. Whatever “demons” that killer hosted were passed on to Luke- and, if the film wanted to go for a broader subject and ditch the singular evil imaginary friend concept, passed onto many others, too. But, it didn’t, and I think that works best, as symptoms like Daniel typically only manifest in young children, assuming you wanna go with the DID/schizophrenia reading, which is what the film offers to us.

We see experiences and fears felt by everyone who has mental illnesses portrayed visually in “Daniel Isn’t Real”, sometimes feeling like a mixed bag of different symptoms from different mental conditions. I see myself and my own experiences in Luke, and it feels good to see the mentally ill person as the hero, and the mental illness being at least mainly a threat to the mentally ill person rather than the outside world, which is how it is more often than not.

And while the movie ends on a sad note, actually quite similar to Kevin’s end in “Glass”, what it does with its runtime is, for the most part, what I want to see more of in terms of mental illness in horror.

Like I said at the beginning, we’re an easy target. Autistic, obsessive compulsive, anxious, depressed people like me are scary when you have no idea what you’re looking at. Yes, we can be dangerous sometimes, but to nobody more than ourselves. But much more than dangerous, we’re scary to ourselves.

I’ve lived in terror for long periods of time before due to my mental illnesses, and I’ve had this thought; “why doesn’t someone make a horror movie where the mentally ill person is the protagonist, and the mental illness is the monster?” “Daniel Isn’t Real” executed this idea almost perfectly, if not for the fact that Daniel was out to hurt other people, because what’s scarier than a person with a realistic mental condition hurting other people? Ooooo.

Living with mental illness can feel like a horror movie all on its own. The horror is in my head, and I can’t kill it, only keep it at bay, control it. And I think that is scarier than any Norman Bates, than any Kevin Crumb, than any Ruben. To live with a force in your head that wants nothing more than you for to be in misery is a horrific reality worse than any killer.

And before I close, I want to comment on one more little detail. I’m much more critical on recent movies that work with this subject matter than I am on older movies; that’s why I had so much to say about the Aster films and “Split” and so little about “Psycho”. This is because I understand how invisible the very concept of mental illness was in everyday society in “Psycho’s” time. It wasn’t just an easy target, it was a given, and nobody writing these films had any idea of what they were doing or the seedling of thought to look into it. It was that alien.

Today, we are talking about mental illness so much, and yet we are still so careless with what we use it for in our media. It is blasphemous to me that directors and writers still insist on using mentally ill people as villains and creepy characters. Mental illness is such a complex experience that deserves to be explored from the viewpoint of those of us who live with it, not as a toy for the bigshot horror director of the hour to toss around like a hot potato.

There was an excuse in the 1960s. There is no excuse now. We can do better.

19 notes · View notes

themagnificentartofshipping · 5 years ago

Text

This is a Glee post about the Kurt and Quinn fight about Karofsky’s suicide attempt. It’s probably gonna get ranty, I watched the clip on youtube and I didn’t want to right my opinion in the comments because it will probably be long and it could possible end up turning into being about Quinn’s issue and how the show angers me with how they treat her and her clear problems. I haven’t written it yet, so we’ll see. And you know me on my bullshit especially about Quinn should be in the place where in the year 2020 I still have a Quinn icon.

I love Quinn Fabray , if you couldn’t tell so I'm definitely biased towards her, but I do understand what she said about suicide was insensitive and I don't agree with it. I still think Kurt is in the wrong, one because he shouldn't downplay what Quinn's been through, and also I don’t think it fair for him to act like he understands what Karofsky’s going through just because he’s also gay because Kurt’s coming out experience was positive and he didn’t lose people in that process and just Kurt relationship with his sexuality is very different from the way were shown Karofsky’s.

And to be honest(and this is where people may be pissed at me) I feel like Karofsky’s experience with being outed and his peers and friends reactions is closer to Quinn’s experience with her pregnancy then Kurt's coming out experience and I want to say I’m not equating Quinn’s pregnancy with being gay, I’m bringing this up because I think Kurt and Quinn have experienced different parts of what Karofsky’s was going through. Kurt obviously understands the mental and emotional struggle that figuring out and coming to terms with your sexuality is. Quinn understand the isolation and just awfulness when people you thought cared about you and were your friends turned on you and just dropped you and/or made fun of you( the glee girls in mash up said some not great things in reference to her and her pregnancy and Santana bringing up her having a baby in their fight and we never see a cheerio who’s not San or Britt speak to her in season 1 after her pregnancy news drops) This is going to sound shallow but, both Quinn and Karofsky care about where they are on the social hierarchy of high school and they both had their spot at the top ripped out from under them. They also both did not get to control when important life changing information about themselves was released to the world or their families. Quinn only got to tell Finn about her pregnancy her self every other time it was announced she didn’t get to do it or know it was going to happen, and that caused her to be blindsided by changes in her life and personally I think she should have been allowed to tell people when she was ready. I know that it is different from being outed but, I do think it has in common the feeling of being blindsided, and not being able to prepare for the worst/ peoples reactions and having people know a very personal thing about you without your permission. Writing this section made me realize i’d probably be significantly less pissed off if Santana would have called out Quinn instead, I still would have been upset about dismissing what Quinn has gone through, but since Santana has experienced being outed and having to tell family before she was ready and even family rejection over her sexuality as well as her fearing losing high school status, I think she does understand Karofsky’s experience so has higher ground to stand on.

So now this section will be about what Quinn has gone through, why I feel dismissing it is shitty and the way Kurt said specifically upset me, it might get into how season 3 treats her as a whole but we’ll see. So like i have an issue with the fact that he said the world never stopped loving her cause that’s just not true. Her father called her a disappointment and kicked her out of her house and as far as we are aware they still are not in contact(like he doesn’t show up at her HS graduation and she got into Yale) and that is parent who is suppose to love you unconditionally. And Sue a person she looked up to and respected publicly told her she was a disgrace. She lost her social standing and it seems like most of her friends and losing popularity might seem shallow but, it was important to Quinn. Also just the fact that she made the effort to rejoined the cheerios even though the culture of it is awful with the weigh ins and Sue’s shakes proves to me that she definitely didn’t feel like she was still loved by the world or the school. Back to the parent thing, I feel like its big part of why Kurt saying this is so frustrating to me because one of the stand things about Quinn’s pregnancy is the fact that her parents completely abandoned her and didn’t even try to support her because that is something Kurt could never get because he has the most supportive dad in the world. Like being a pregnant teen is hard, you have to make a lot of adult decisions and experience all the physical and hormonal changes while being this extreme outsider in your age group is difficult enough(which Kurt kind of dismissed)but, you add on not having familial support and having to worry about where your going to live and holy shit that’s hard and awful and emotional tasking. Also learning that your parents love for you is conditional can not be an easy thing to go through emotionally. And the world clearly didn’t love her at the beginning of season 3, when no major adult in her life made any attempts to help her, Sue used her breakdown for her own gain and Will just screams at her and tells her to grow up and says a bunch of mean things to her that are easily disapproved.

Moving on to dismissing her struggles at the beginning of season three as a bad dye job, its just very frustrating to me cause it very clear that that wasn’t it. And like I’m aware that Kurt as a character is likely unaware of all the shit going on with Quinn in season 3, but the person who wrote that line should be aware of what’s been going on with Quinn so I’m very confused about there intention. Because I think its clear even to people who don’t sympathize with Quinn that she was not in her a good mental state when Shelby was there, (i think that’s like until the 8th or 9th episode) and that clearly shows something else is going on and I believe that Quinn not being okay didn’t come out of nowhere, the last 3 episodes of season 2 had Quinn not being in the best place ending with her big meltdown in New York. Some people read/interpret Quinn as being depressed at least at the beginning of season 3, I kind of agree with that interpretation and definitely believe she had/has some sort of mental illness/disorder, I just don’t want to personally be like she definitely has this blank and diagnosis her in anyway. But I don’t think her issues just appeared they all go back to her pregnancy and giving up Beth and just don’t think she dealt with her feeling and was repressing them and living in a state of denial throughout most of season 2. This is going to become even longer if I allow myself to go on that tangent, (so maybe another post to explain that stuff and Quinn headcanons and stuff) but basically I have an issue with dismissing early season 3 Quinn as just rebellion and things like that because it clear that it alot more then that.

Kurt also basically said that Quinn doesn’t understand self- loathing and despair and I don’t think i need to give examples of Quinn not loving herself I feel like that’s pretty obvious, just like watch the show. But despair like her dad pretty much disowned her and giving up her baby clearly fucked her up, so I feel like she‘s felt despair. Kurt also acting like the fact that she’s going to Yale somehow eliminates her pain and I just don’t understand that.

Also just want to make it understood that the intentions of this post is not to hate on Kurt. I just don’t get why this scene exists, like it has always felt to me like its one of those scenes where the intention is just to make people hate Quinn and not empathize with her since it takes huge struggles that she had that caused empathy in viewers and dismissing them. And with the idea that existed at the time the show was on that, Ryan Murphy didn’t like that people liked Quinn, it’s one of the explanations that makes sense to me. Also that this is in the same episode as Quinn’s car accident is so fucking crazy and i don’t like it.

#glee #quinn fabray #kurt #david karofsky #rant #glee on my way #my opinion #pls don't hate me #i feel like this is something that happens in my brain everytime i've seen this scene #So I've some version of this in me since 2012 #I just needed to get out of my brain so here it is #might do more glee shit #been rewatching #and getting back into glee fanfic #writing some too #very quinn focused though #And sorry that this ended up being so long and so about Quinn #I didn't know what this would be when i started and I've been writing it for 2 hours

22 notes · View notes

studiash · 5 years ago

Photo

Or How to Survive School with Learning Difficulties

I recently got officially diagnosed with a significant specific learning difficulty (SpLD) in the area of mathematics or Dyscalculia after years of struggling with the most basic parts of mathematics, and I felt this was a suitable topic for a studyblr post.

My numeracy and maths fluency (addition) on the WIAT III both were in the 2nd percentile (Meaning I scored lower than 98% of people), and the highest percentile on any of the maths subtests was my problem solving, coming in at the 18th percentile, which is still disastrously low

And yet despite of all this, I’m currently in IB Higher Level maths, and actually doing somewhat alright, and I had to be pretty good at maths in school throughout the years in order to allow this to fly under the radar for so long, so how did I do it?

Showing. Every. Single. Step. Of. Your. Work.

I know for a lot of people it seems like just a waste of time to show everything you do, especially if it’s something supposedly as simple as “2-1″ when you could just write “1″ right away, but if you’re like me... it’s not as simple as that and as it gets to more and more complex “basic” bits your likelihood of messing it up is higher.

I can’t speak for any other curriculum but in the IB the majority of your marks in maths come not from the answer itself but the working, even if your answer is completely wrong if you’ve shown every step of your work you will get the majority of the marks, but sometimes they will only award the marks if they see where you went wrong, and if it’s not clear why you might’ve messed up you could lose a mark.

Proofread, proofread, go over your work, proofread

Whether it’s an essay, a lab report, or an exam, always proofread and check everything over again n again. You can never be too safe.

Your calculator is your best friend

You know all those memes that have a picture of a calculator with 1+1=2 and a caption like “just to be sure”, yea that’s been my entire life. The majority of my maths tests in IBMYP were with a calculator, and that’s a huge part of how I managed to actually be one of the star students, it wasn’t until the last year or so of MYP and then this past year of DP that I started struggling because things became non-calculator, and that’s how my dyscalculia finally got picked up on, and I’ve got accommodations now (which I will go over in the next section) that will help with that.

But when it comes to calculator exams like DP paper twos, you get your graphing calculator, and even for people who are great at mental maths, your calculator should still be your best friend because it saves so much time, and if your calculator can do something for you, don’t waste the time doing it by hand.

You need to graph a function? Put it in the calculator and use that as a reference. You need to solve an equation? Graph it. You’ve got an integral or some other long calculation needs doing? Don’t bother to simplify it heaps to do it on paper, just type it in.

Your graphing calculator saves you time and provided you type everything in properly your answer will be difficult to get wrong, just make sure you show some sort of “working” on your paper. If you graphed something to solve it, do a quick sketch with basic labels to how you got your answer paired with “GDC” written somewhere in the corner. Whatever you type into your calculator, make sure that’s written somewhere on your paper (and whatever steps you had to take to get to that point).

Access Arrangements (Accommodations)

If you have a diagnosed learning difficult or any other condition that may affect your performance (This includes stuff like ADHD and Autism and even most mental illnesses), you may be entitled to inclusive assessment arrangements, different schools will have different processes for different things but most school/exam boards, from the IBO to APs and the US college board, to AQA and Edexcel and all other GCSE/A Level exam boards have systems in place for inclusive assessment arrangements.

Whilst schools are supposed to have processes themselves in place so that you don’t have to be the one looking at all this, sometimes you have to be the one to self advocate. Remember that these arrangements exist for people who need them, not just because you want an extra advantage, do not abuse them if you don’t need them. If you’re doing IB your school’s IB coordinator is the one who has to submit the applications for any arrangements requiring authorisation, most schools will also have a dedicated special education or learning diversity team for these processes, approach any people involved about these arrangements if you believe you do need them.

I don’t know much about other systems but it should be fairly easy to locate information online (If you can’t, feel free to HMU and I might be able to help you with my googling prowess) but click here for IBO’s document detailing the possible arrangements and requirements to receive those arrangements

The most common arrangements that people get however are:

Separate exam venue, you don’t actually need authorisation from your exam board in order to receive this, your school may require certain things like a diagnosis or evidence that you would be better suited for it than others to consider it but ultimately this is usually one of the easiest accommodations to get. Additionally, or by itself, if you have difficulties with noise/your surroundings, even if you’re in the main exam venue you should be able to wear noise reduction earmuffs (they mustn’t have any sort of audio capability or electronic function, think construction earmuffs) and/or have mini “walls” placed around you on your desk to block external viewing.

Rest periods, similar to separate exam venues you don’t typically need authorisation for this either, in fact all students (at least in the IB) are technically entitled to a certain amount of break time per hour (for the IB it’s ten minutes per hour), your school may already provide all students with this option or it may reserve it only for people who’ve asked in advance, if you feel you’d need it, ask about it. It’s also possible to apply for additional rest period time if you need it but that does require some form of diagnosis or doctor’s note giving proper reasoning why and depends on exam board/school/why you want/need it.

Extra time, now this you need authorisation for pretty much no matter how much it is BUT the requirements are fairly lenient, with the IB as well as most other boards (I believe) you can easily get 10-25% extra time for the majority of conditions provided it can be shown you need it, so even if you only have a diagnosis of depression, if it’s shown that your depression interferes with your speed or quality of work you can very easily get 10% extra time and possibly even 25%. Once you’re looking at higher percentages like 50% or 100%+ it gets increasingly more difficult to qualify, 100%+ is incredibly rare and 50% is somewhat rare, but the process is similar. Either way: Talk to your school about it

Modified papers (large text, braile, coloured paper), a reader, a scribe, or the option to use technology to type written responses. There are specific requirements for obtaining these arrangements, and they differ from board to board and school to school, typically you will know if you require this sort of thing or not and it’s easiest to do your own research, and then get a doctor’s note or other medical certificate for these applications. Talk to your school about what you need for them to consider it.

And my personal favourite: four function calculator. This is possibly one of the hardest accommodations to get and you need to have a certain standard score on a mathematical related psych test (IB wants below 90 on a test of mathematical fluency), which means you need to get properly evaluated by an edpsych to even have a chance at receiving it.

And last but not least:

Do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it

17 notes · View notes

theteablogger · 6 years ago

Text

Bullshit

Two things:

First of all, I’ve heard through the grapevine that Andy is sharing screenshots that allegedly prove that mine are fake. For what it’s worth, I have never in my life faked a screenshot of anything, let alone a screenshot of one of Andy’s posts. The most editing that I’ve done to them is to crop out extraneous material that might identify the person who sent them to me, to join screenshots together when it takes more than one to capture an entire post, to censor other people’s names and pictures or Andy’s own contact info, and occasionally to highlight something. That’s it.

Second, I’ve recently received screenshots of a Facebook post that shows what Andy is telling his friends about what’s recently happened in LA, and how Andy awareness bloggers and tf-talk are entirely to blame for it. I’m going to share it here and respond point-by-point. I realize that Andy is talking about more people than just me, but a) there are very few of us (outside tf-talk) posting about him now, and b) I can only speak for myself anyway. This is going to be long. Sorry.

(If you’d like a quick preview of Andy’s post, he’s been saying almost exactly the same things since at least 2012, so here you go.)

One major problem with this is that the “30 second cocktail party bio” is often all that people get. His former host was very clear that he hadn’t told her about leading two cults, sexually abusing people, mentally and emotionally abusing and manipulating people, and more. What little he did tell her, he blamed entirely on mental illness and made it sound like a lot of stupid internet drama.

When he refers to “listing [his] birth name and literally every screen name [he’s] had or people have suspected was [him] since 1995,” that’s obviously about me. The reason that list is featured so prominently on my blog is that Andy has used so many aliases and screen names over the years that reading about his past can be very confusing for people. Many times, even recently, I’ve seen others express surprise that Thanfiction and Victoria Bitter (for example) are the same person, although they were familiar with most of the trouble that he’d caused under both of those names. I would never, ever mention Andy’s birth name if not for the fact that his earliest known online manipulation and lies were under that name.

Now, here’s the really big issue, for me: I have never said that Andy is a sociopathic narcissist abuser. I have never tried to label him with any specific diagnosis or even a DSM category.

Once in 2014 (before I even had a blog) I submitted a post to 1-purp0se that included something about emotional vs. cognitive empathy, positing that Andy had the latter, but not the former. I’ve regretted that part of the post ever since because I am not a mental health professional and that was only my opinion. In the years since then, I have made sure that I could substantiate everything with screenshots and I have not made anything approaching a diagnostic claim.

I have always been very clear that I have never met or personally interacted with Andy. It’s there for all to see in my FAQ. Also, I have never, ever so much as implied that Andy has abused me in any way. Anyone who thinks that I have either has not actually read my blog, or has a serious reading comprehension problem. I have never even suggested that X was anything like Andy, and have only shared those stories on my blog in hopes of being helpful to other survivors. I am disgusted by the implication that everything that I post is merely a projection of my own experiences of abuse...and at the same time, darkly amused that this is the best Andy can do to refute anything that I’ve said about him.

I have never rejected, harassed, or attacked anyone who’s contacted me about Andy. I have been attacked and harassed by people attempting to defend Andy, and I had a bit of a meltdown in 2015 when I was attempting to defend one of Andy’s friends in tf-talk.

When Andy posts social justice things, he does so in a way that shows that he has little more than a surface-level understanding of the issues, and that he’s more concerned with appearing to espouse a currently popular cause than with actually supporting it. For example, while “raising awareness” about Ferguson, he repeatedly made analogies equating black people with dogs and wild animals. He told people affected by the late-2014 wave of fake suicides in SPN fandom how they were “allowed” to feel and respond. In 2016 he made a number of posts that included misleading and false election statistics, and was very dismissive of people’s concerns about a Trump presidency. That’s the tip of the iceberg, and all that was just on Tumblr. Andy whitesplains and mansplains all the damned time.

There’s “making new friends”, and then there’s forcibly inserting yourself into a pre-existing social circle, acting like you know them all extremely well, and putting intense pressure on them to introduce you to other friends of theirs who are either connected to or actually part of the cast of the webseries on which you are currently fixated. The latter is what he did in LA, according to people who were actually there and were involved.

When Andy says good things about his friends, or other people, they are often backhanded compliments (e.g., his incredibly condescending liveblog of a friend’s SPN fic) or blatant negging (such as making extremely hurtful and gross comments about a woman’s body and following them up with over-the-top assurances that he thinks she’s beautiful). Does he do this every time he makes a positive comment about someone? I have no idea. But it happens often enough to be cause for concern.

"If people say I don’t hurt them, it’s proof that they’re brainwashed or afraid of me, etc. If friends stand up for me, that’s proof that I have created a cultish, us-against-them mentality.”

That first sentence is part of what set off my 2015 meltdown, so I’m not even touching it. I have never said anything even close to that. I have often talked about the fact that Andy has led two actual cults, and that he fosters “us-vs-them” thinking in his friends because he did and he does. Many, many former friends of Andy’s have spoken about the us-vs-them thing, and it’s evident in many of his posts over the years.

I have never said that Andy needs to tell everyone that he is “a sociopath who was intending to inflict pain.” What makes his “apology” posts fauxpologies is that he continually finds reasons to excuse or minimize acts of abuse he has committed, to explain things away as “misunderstandings”, and to deflect blame in a variety of ways. He also tends to make significant omissions and to bend the truth as far as he can unless/until he’s called out on it.

“We know the secret.” This is hilarious because that’s exactly what Andy used to tell the Bagenders and the DAYDians: “[XYZ everyday occurrence] seems insignificant to everyone else, but because we know the secret, we understand that it’s a message from Kali and Raz,” or what have you. I think there have been a handful of times that I’ve said that something Andy’s done would have sounded innocuous coming from anyone else, but takes on more sinister overtones when his history is taken into account. These things generally have to do with specific lies Andy has told, or with specific, documented ways that he has manipulated people in the past.

This is very misleading. No one has moved the goalposts; there never were any goalposts in the first place. Nobody said, “Andy, if you do these specific things, then we’ll believe that you’ve changed and we’ll never talk about you again.” I have said, and have seen other say, that maybe if he did this or that thing it might indicate that he was serious about changing, or that something that he was doing at the time was a reason to hope that he was honestly trying to change. I and many others have also said numerous times that part of the process of moving on for Andy would have to be leaving fandom for good. Andy is the one who decided that putting on a show of leaving fandom (but still sharing fanart and trying to get other fans’ and creators’ attention via mentions and fannish tweets) was the one and only thing he needed to do in order to convince everyone that he’s a different person.

And this next bit is the real crux of the issue: even if he really had “ticked all [the] boxes” on an imaginary list of criteria that Turimel, or tf-talk, or the Andy awareness blogs, or whoever had given him...it wouldn’t matter because he is still engaging in many problematic and abusive behaviors. He is “actively, presently committing abuse”, and I believe that he is still dangerous. I refer you again to Molly’s post about his recent stay with her. On the other hand, I have never made any claim that he is abusing Meg or the cats, or about “dozens of other current victims”. (Past victims that we don’t know about? Sure. Although I’m not very fond of the word “victim”.)

I won’t claim that I stand behind everything that’s said on tf-talk, or every post that every other blogger has made. But by all means, try to claim that there’s bias and twisting in my timeline, when it’s full of substantiating evidence in Andy’s own words and in the words of people who have been hurt by him.

I’m not sure where he’s getting “a dozen” from. There are maybe five of us blogging about him sporadically on Tumblr now (very sporadically, in most cases), and an unknown number of anons in tf-talk and fail-fandomanon. Our blogs and tf-talk often go quiet for long periods of time, and he isn’t mentioned that frequently on FFA anymore...until something like this happens.

I love the implication that no one who’s decided to stay away from Andy based on the many warning posts about him, the contents of tf-talk, Abbey’s blog, my blog, etc. has actually read any of it. They’ve all just made blind assumptions. But Andy’s not saying anything bad about them! Oh, no, they’re still smart, reasonable, good, empathetic, woke, and the kind of people that he wants to be friends with and work with. See what I mean about saying shitty things about people and then following up with lavish praise? This is also exactly what this anon on FFA was talking about. Anyway, based on my Statcounter and the fact that Google Docs will show me how many people are currently reading the timeline whenever I open it, I’m going to say that far more than .0002% of people actually read this stuff.

And here it is: it is ALL OUR FAULT that Andy hasn’t changed, even though he’s trying so hard. Comparing himself to a snake that’s had its venom sacs (not poison, Andy) removed is very disingenuous as it implies that it is now impossible for him to do significant harm. That isn’t true of anyone, let alone someone with a 20-year history of lies, manipulation, and abuse. And he actually did “bite” someone recently--again, read Molly’s post, and realize that all happened just a few days ago.

The truth does speak for itself. Those people in LA already had serious concerns about Andy before they read about him online, but they had been cutting him a lot of slack. Molly was already aware that Andy was, for example, trying to dredge up her memories of extremely abusive past relationships in order to manipulate her. She and his friends had already realized that he was constantly lying to all of them about pretty much everything. They’d already pegged him as a performative ally. They’d noticed that he negged the hell out of trans and plus-size people, specifically playing on issues of gender/body dysmorphia, and that he was competitive and condescending toward other men. All of this was based on their own direct observations of his behavior, before they had any idea about his history. And the person who filled them in wasn’t a blogger or someone from tf-talk; it was a close friend of theirs who realized who he was and felt the need to warn them.

(Also? Even if none of the LA people would say that Andy had actually harmed them--I don’t know because I haven’t talked to them all--it is evident that he at least tried to harm them psychologically and emotionally. None of the above behaviors can be waved away as accidents, especially given that they were happening regularly and frequently.)

So what is Andy to do? Maybe stop doing the things listed above, for a start. If what his friends read online (again, after spending time with him in person for a couple weeks) really hadn’t matched what they knew of him personally, the outcome would have been very different. But they’d already been comparing notes on his shitty behavior, and when they read the links they’d been sent, everything that had been happening suddenly made sense. That’s why they kicked him out. If you’re a manipulative asshole, people may be willing to let things slide for a while--but when they find out that you’ve been doing the same shit and worse for 20 years, yes, everything might just be snatched away from you. And that’s your own fucking fault.

Here’s a further comment from Andy:

This is fucking disgusting.

Other than the occasional tf-talk anon, the only person who has regularly (as in, more than an off-hand comment) compared specific words and behaviors of Andy’s to a past abuser of their own was Delwynmarch. And that was several years ago; it’s been a long time since he posted anything at all. Del had his fair share of insightful, on-point analytical posts, too--like his breakdown of Andy’s attempt to explain away his admission of having committed rape and sexual abuse. It’s incredibly disingenuous and dismissive to suggest that the volumes of information and analysis that others have written amount to nothing more than projection, and that we’re just a bunch of poor, ignorant babies who don’t realize how misguided we are. He feels sorry for us. Give me a fucking break.

I have been open about being a survivor of abuse and having lost people in my life to cults. While that is part of what inspired me to start blogging about Andy, that doesn’t mean that it is the entire basis for all of my opinions and analysis. Andy is fond of analogies, so I’ll use one here: This is like saying that because I was once bitten by a dog, any time that I feel the need to correct my own dog’s behavior, I’m obviously just projecting my past experience onto him, so I should just back off and let him keep shitting on the rug.

Furthermore, as much as he likes to say that we don’t know him and therefore shouldn’t act like we understand him...I know Andy a hell of a lot better than he knows me. I’ve been reading others’ words about him since 2003, and I have probably millions of his own words about his life, his mental health, fandom, and a host of other topics, dating back to 1998. All he knows of me is what little he sees on this blog.

Nice try, Andy, but I neither need nor want your sympathy. Nor do I accept any measure of blame for what happened last week. You did it to yourself.

#andythanfiction #thanfiction #andrew blake #andy blake #andrewmblake #psa #abuse #leaving fandom #andy blake defense squad

60 notes · View notes

theboardwalkbody · 2 years ago

Text

Chronic Illness Issues: Chapter One - The Problem with growing up in a healthcare-phobic household.

Background: both sides of my family (so these issues began in a pre-parents divorce home and continued post-divorce) have a very unhealthy Tough It Out and Get Over It mentality when it comes to, well, everything. This goes back literal generations on both sides as well. We also live in the US and healthcare is very expensive which I am sure played into this as well. In this Chapter we are specifically talking about my psoriasis - symptoms of which I developed in infancy.

The Issues, The Family Explanation and Treatment VS The Actual Problems:

Skin build-up on scalp and dandruff as an infant. Family: It's cradle-cap, babies get it all the time, she'll grow out of it. Actual Cause: possibly cradle-cap but can't rule out early psoriasis.

Skin build-up on scalp and dandruff as a child, teen, and an adult. Family: It's just dandruff, try different conditioner, or (as recommended by someone's hair stylist) over the counter Tar shampoo. Actual Cause: psoriasis.

Head and Shoulders and Tar shampoos making the dandruff and scalp skin build-up worse: Family: maybe you need to try a different brand. Actual Cause: psoriasis.

Red and sometimes Scaly patches of skin covering my elbows - developed in 1st-2nd grade and continued throughout to present. It would get worse in the winter and ease up, but never completely go away, during the summer when school was out: Family: its because you lean your elbows on your desk at school thats why it goes away in the summer and comes back during school. Just stop putting your elbows on your desk. Actual Cause: Definitely psoriasis - summer months I spent 80% or more of my time outside and UV helps reduce skin symptoms. Stress can cause flare-ups, school was always stressful. Winter means less sun. All these factors equate to reduction of skin issues during less-stressful summer months and flare-ups during stressful school months.

Red and scaly patches of skin spreading from my elbows down my forearms - developing in new areas such as knees, scalp patches spreading down to behind ears, eyebrow, forehead, and smaller spots covering stomach and lower back. Family: Change your diet, stop taking all those (psychiatric) medicines, stop stressing. Actual Problem and Formal Diagnosis (Diagnosis made by skin biopsy in ~2016): Yeah no, it's fucking Severe Psoriasis.

All the above issues PLUS chronic fatigue, toe swelling (initially left foot, currently both feet), knuckle swelling (left hand), limited mobility of affected toes (left), limited mobility in affected finger (left), activity limiting pain in knees (initially left, currently both), stiffness in all affected joints in the morning and after repeated use (as in, living). Body inflammation Lab Work Levels all fucked up. Family: IDK You need to loose weight and exercise more. Actual Problem: Congrats, babe, you've got Psoriatic Arthritis! Did you know Psoriasis can cause fatigue? Did you know Psoriasis is 4x as likely to turn into Psoriatic Arthritis in people who have scalp-psoriasis? Did you know that the inflammatory markers and chemicals involved in the disease can hinder serotonin absorption and other neurotransmitters with similar jobs and that plus the lower self-image issues that come along with having physical symptoms can feed depression? Did you know that depression can feed psoriasis because it absolutely fucks with your immune system and psoriasis is an auto-immune disease? So depression and psoriasis have this fucked up ouroboros-like relationship? Did you know that it can also lead to cardiac problems if left untreated? (side note: family history of cardiovascular issues and my CRP was fucking astronomical, though yes, psoriatic arthritis is not the only factor in this but does not help).

SO LIKE YEAH -

Psoriasis absolutely can become literally debilitating. There's no cure. Treatments help to slow progression but in the event of psoriatic arthritis once the joint damage is done there's no undoing it, you can only slow it down in terms of getting worse. But I was raised to Get Over It and then even when I could make my own medical decisions I was blocked by COST.

I'm still fighting to get approved for the medication (est 6,000 per dose) that will help treat it (topical ointments, which can also be expensive, have had no effect and also will not help the joint involvement).

Moral of the Story: 1. Maybe we shouldn't "Tough it Out" and should actually get things looked at.

0 notes

johneetries · 6 years ago

Text

To begin...

Hello. I’m bipolar and manic depressive. I discovered these things as a result of a suicide attempt. There. Now the hard part is out of the way. Let’s get into it.

Being diagnosed with a mental illness was one of the most normal and foreign events I’ve ever experienced. Was it a surprise? No. Was it easy to digest? Double no. Being diagnosed with bipolar was a very somber “aha” moment. But before that moment could happen, a misdiagnosis inevitably happened first.

I spent this past summer working in middle-of-nowhere, South Dakota. Classic one liners about small Midwestern towns couldn’t even do justice to how desolate this place was. There were no traffic lights. No easily recognizable grocery chains. And worst of all, no Taco Bell. The events of my summer consisted mostly of two things: working and drinking. I was working over seventy hours a week. The first month I was there, I had two days off. Total. My post shift activities started simply with a beer at the bar once the restaurant was closed. Then a six pack would find it’s way home. Six became twelve. Twelve became eighteen. Eighteen became thirty. Liquor started being added to the mix. If it came between buying food or booze, I chose booze every time. Sleep became less and less until almost nonexistent. Toward the end of my time there, I was averaging between thirty minutes to two hours of sleep a morning. And I stress morning. I would generally stay up drinking until the sun had long risen. Every single night. As I reach the end of this paragraph, I can see how clear the warning signs may have seemed. But they weren’t. I was riding the wave of a bipolar high.

For the unversed, bipolar disorder exists in a spectrum of highs and lows. During the highs, the symptoms are rarely seen as symptoms. In my case, I perceived that I was feeling good. Great, even. I was putting in long hours at work and doing a damn fine job, at that. So what if I wanted to stay up drinking all night? As long as I was still functioning at work, there’s no problem. You can see how easily I was able to sway myself. Hard work equated to hard drinking. Simple math from a complicated brain. The longer the highs go unchecked, it can lead to mania. Which it did for me. Occasionally drinking all night turned into every night. And quickly. I isolated. I self-harmed. I stopped eating. The crossover from my highs to my lows were blurred. But when the lows hit, they hit hard.

Keep in mind, at this point in time, bipolar disorder was not on my mind at all. I boiled it down to simple and incorrect equations like excessive booze equals better mental state. Being a warm and welcome individual in the workplace subdued the self-hate that was growing. The whole “fake it till you make it” mentality used inappropriately. You keep your demons waiting outside your gate long enough, a few things will happen. One: more demons will show up. Two: they will grow irritable from being ignored. And three: they’re going to eventually smash that gate down and flood your castle.

My demons demolished my castle and its outlying kingdom. In one perfect storm, I completely lost my footing. For a multitude of reasons I could never describe or put into words, I decided to kill myself. And that is where I would like to leave that. While I am thankful that my attempt was unsuccessful, I will never feel the desire to talk about those moments in great detail. I know why I did what I did. I know the headspace I was in. I know the abuse I put myself through to get to that place. That is all that matters for anyone else to know. The explicit details and play-by-play of that night are mine. And mine alone. For selfish reasons, I keep that frame of thinking to myself. But for even more selfless reasons, I don’t ever want anyone to know what I was fully thinking in that moment. No one should have to ever understand how it feels to be ready and willing to take your own life. No one. There is no lower feeling than falling asleep for what you believe to be the last time.

Scratch that.

There is no worse feeling than waking up after falling asleep for what you believed to be the last time. The moment my eyes opened and I awoke cold and alone on the street, I knew that everything would change. And it did. Through a series of darkly humorous events, I eventually landed in a mental facility in Sioux Falls. Where I was held for twenty-four hours and within that time diagnosed with very base depression. A diagnosis I could have made for myself years ago. The doctors answer? Medication. Prozac. Two-hundred milligrams.

Now, I’m not sure if this a common mistake or one that was specific for me. But Prozac made me worse. Noticeably worse. It wasn’t until I started going to therapy and was diagnosed with bipolar and ordered to immediately stop taking Prozac that I started to feel better. The way it has been explained to me is antidepressants can often increase bipolar symptoms. Now for me, I was on a serious run with the lows. And Prozac was making those lows plummet further than I was ready for. It was explained to me that bipolar requires a mood stabilizer to be treated effectively. Again, not sure if this common treatment or was specific for me. But after enough time on a mood stabilizer, I could see how it was helping. But I’m jumping ahead.

Upon my release from the mental hospital and my return to Phoenix, I did eventually find therapists to see. Where I was asked a series of questions. Questions that I knew would lead to bipolar diagnosis. So when my psychologist suggested I might have bipolar, I was pretty hesitant. The questions were too obvious and handpicked for such a diagnosis. It wasn’t until he had me meet with his colleague, a psychiatrist, that things came into focus. She asked me much more specific questions. And based on my answers, she started asking questions that seemed tailor made for me. The more I answered, the more she asked. Never once did she stop to tell me I definitely had bipolar. She asked so many questions that I eventually hit my “aha” moment. I sat there in silence as it all soaked in. I’m bipolar. This is for the rest of my life. I have to do something about this. When I looked up, she was just looking back at me. Seemingly dissecting my brain through whatever my eyes were telling her. And from there we started discussing medication.

After six weeks on proper medication, I started to notice a difference. The symptoms of bipolar weren’t completely gone. But they became mild. I was balancing out. I was thinking more clearly. In the midst of all this clarity, it became important to me to not hide my mental illness. I wasn’t planning on being brash by walking around with a megaphone shouting “I’M BIPOLAR” to every passerby. But I also wasn’t going to keep quiet about it like I had some dirty secret. Because the truth of the matter is this: There are so many others like me who live with the knowledge of their illness every day. People who carry the burden of orange bottles in medicine cabinets. People who pay professionals to declutter their brains. Then there are the people who have yet to be diagnosed. The walking wounded limping their way through life. Ignoring the signs and unknowingly self-destructing.

I’ve walked both paths. I know exactly how they both feel. To be honest, neither one is great. But the fact is plain: I dodged suicide. I got a second lease on life, and I don’t want to squander it. So I’m trying to better myself and my surroundings. Maybe I’m getting things right, maybe I’m not. But I’m trying. I’m not staying on the course my life was on that got me to suicidal ideation in the first place. I’m branching out and doing things differently. And I sure as hell will not be quiet about mental health. Anyone who stumbles across this that struggles with their own fight with mental health: you are not alone. While your illness is a part of who you are, it does not define who you are. You define who you are. No battle is ever won without a fight. So fight for yourself. Fight for a better tomorrow. Fight to stay alive. Accept your reality. Own it and move forward. No one makes a better you than you. In the face of all that haunts you, live your life. Even if it feels impossible. I assure you, it is not. I am thirty-two and completely starting over. In the wake of my attempt, everything in my life has changed. For better or worse, everything has changed. I’m taking what’s left of the time I was allotted on this planet and trying to enjoy it. I hope you do the same, friends.

Until next time,

#mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #bipolor #depression #anxiety #suicidal ideation #self harm #self medication #manic disorder

1 note · View note