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daimonclub · 2 years ago

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100 magnificent quotes

100 Magnificent quotes 100 magnificent quotes, great aphorisms, ideas, maxims and quotations by various famous authors selected for the World of English by Carl William Brown, the literary avenger. Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure. Hermann Hesse Madness is something rare in individuals - but in groups, parties, peoples, and ages, it is the rule. Friedrich Nietzsche Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. Plato The mirror is my best friend because when I cry it never laughs. Charlie Chaplin Aphorisms are the true form of the Universal Philosophy and containe the greatest quantity of thought in the smallest space. Friedrich von Schlegel Educate the children and it won’t be necessary to punish the men. Pythagoras If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them. Isaac Asimov Without goals, the very concept of intelligence is meaningless. Steven Pinker I suppose that in no educational institution can one become an educated person. Mikhail Bulgakov No one's fate is of any interest to you except your own. Mikhail Bulgakov Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment. Sun Tzu The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin A fool contributes nothing worth hearing and takes offence at everything. Aristotle By now humanity has become so imbecile that we often tend to mortify intelligence, in order not to offend stupidity. Carl William Brown Show respect to people who don't even deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours. Dave Willis Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. Bertrand Russell It is far better to be silent than merely to increase the number of bad books. Voltaire The more real you get, the more unreal the world gets. John Lennon The more intelligence you have, the more you will suffer. Arthur Schopenhauer

Voltaire quote Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most. Abraham Lincoln The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. Bertrand Russell Love on one side is not enough, love is a dialogue, not a monologue. Oriana Fallaci Interacting with people that don't like you it's a fundamental process to study human stupidity. Carl William Brown The measure of a man is what he does with power. Plato No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up, and never give up. Regina Brett The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. Socrates Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Victor Hugo A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears. Montaigne From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs. Karl Marx There is nothing in the world so much admired as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage. Seneca The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. Isaac Asimov A man's manners are a mirror in which he shows his portrait. Goethe I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party and I attended with my real face. Franz Kafka Without love living is easy; but it's meaningless. Leo Tolstoy Nobody is going to pour truth into your brain. It's something you have to find out for yourself. Noam Chomsky Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds! Bob Marley Knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind. Plato Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it. Lincoln It is not the man who has too little, but ht eman who craves more, that is poor. Seneca

Nietzsche quote You can’t get much done in life if you only work on days when you feel good. Jerry West The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. Mark Twain In our society logics is intertwingled with nonsense, good things with evils ones, and most of the time you can't tell which is which, therefore there is nothing more truly realistic than stupidity. Carl William Brown Avoid doing what you would blame others for doing. Thales To destroy war, destroy patriotism. Leo Tolstoy I don’t trust anyone who’s nice to me, but rude to a waiter because they would treat me the same if I were in that position. Muhammad Ali Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. Pablo Picasso A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials. Seneca Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Alber Camus Non serve a niente essere vivi, se bisogna lavorare. André Breton All cruelty spring from weakness. Seneca Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you. Dr. Phil McGraw Better to die fighting for freedom then be a prisoner all the days of your life. Bob Marley For the Putrid President of Russia, remember Sun Tzu wise words, that is to say, the greatest victory is that which requires no battle. Carl William Brown Get busy with life's purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue. Marcus Aurelius All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values. Marshall McLuhan Life is such a great a teacher that when we don't learn a lesson, it will repeat it. Anonymous Fishes live in the sea, as men do on land: the great ones eat up the small one. Pericles A bad system will beat a good person every time. W. Edwards Deming Our life is what our thoughts make it, used to say Marcus Aurelius, but I would add that sometimes it is even worse! Carl William Brown

Chomsky quote You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche Simplicity is not a mere idea. To be simple demnds a great deal of intelligence and sensitivity. Jiddu Krishnamurti People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them. Epictetus Disturbance comes only from within, from our own perceptions. Marcus Aurelius All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously. Herman Hesse The longer I live, the more convinced I am that this planet is being used by other planets as a madhouse of the universe. George Bernard Shaw The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts. C.S. Lewis Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil. C.S. Lewis A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. Bruce Lee We have freedom of thought, now we need thought. Carl Kraus I may not have been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn't. Albert Camus No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. Charles Dickens Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large group. Geroge Carlin The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them knows anything about the subject. Marcus Aurelius Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall. William Shakespeare Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source. Epictetus The old world is dying, the new world is slow to appear and in this chiaroscuro the monsters arise. Antonio Gramsci In most men, intelligence is a field which remains uncultivated for most of life. Eugène Delacroix Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is. Albert Camus Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller

Karl Marx Wise men speak when they have something to say, fools speak because they have to say something. Aristotle What moves those of genius, what inspires their work is not new ideas, but their obsession with the idea that what has already been said is still not enough. Eugene Delacroix Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller An honest man is always a child. Socrates Open your mind before your mouth. Aristophanes Neither Christ nor Buddha nor Socrates wrote a book, for to do so is to exchange life for a logical process. William B. Yeats Why should we feel anger at the world? As if the world would notice. Marcus Aurelius Love is the state in which man sees things most decidedly as they are not. Friedrich Nietzsche Only during hard times do people come to understand how difficult it is to be master of their feelings and thoughts. Anton Chekhov Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility. Sigmund Freud I no longer know if I wish to drown myself in love, wodka or the sea. Franz Kafka The first thing that reading teaches us is how to be alone. Jonathan Franzen There is no greatness where simplicity, goodness and truth are absent. Leo Tolstoy Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. Sigmund Freud The love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man. Charles Darwin Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward. Oscar Wilde The most common form of despair is not being who you are. Soren Kierkegaard Each of us assumes everyone else knows what he is doing. They all assume we know what we are doing. We don’t. Philip K Dick Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late. Benjamin Franklin Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. Goethe

100 magnificent quotes to read He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions. Confucius Gentleness is stronger than severity, water is stronger than rock, love is stronger than force. Herman Hesse Better to die fighting for freedom then be a prisoner all the days of your life. Bob Marley Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known. I am inclined to say that it is the only real mode of individualism that the world has known. Oscar Wilde Everyday is like a fashion show and the whole world is the runway. Elegance is when the inside is as beautiful as the outside. Coco Chanel There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. Friedrich Nietzsche Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. Harry Emerson Fosdick If you wish another to keep your secret, first keep it to yourself. Seneca the Younger When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them. Confucius It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone... but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. Kahlil Gibran He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at. Epictetus L'amore è l'arte che non si impara mai e che si sa sempre. Benito Pérez Galdós The more we value things outside our control, the less control we have. Marcus Aurelius The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others. Vincent Van Gogh The greatest victory is that which requires no battle. Sun Tzu Facts or opinions which are to pass through the hands of so many, to be misconceived by folly in one, and ignorance in another, can hardly have much truth left. Jane Austen Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. Epicurus People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. Thomas Merton For we are all divorced from life, we are all cripples, every one of us, more or less. We are so divorced from it that we feel at once a sort of loathing for real life, and so cannot bear to be reminded of it. Fyodor Dostoevsky Don’t miss these other similar posts: 100 best quotes and aphorisms 100 magnificent quotes and aphorisms 100 brilliant quotes and aphorisms 100 famous quotes and aphorisms 100 memorable quotes and aphorisms 100 top great quotes and aphorisms 100 excellent quotes and aphorisms 100 great quotes and aphorisms on Love Great and famous philosophy quotes Quotes by authors Quotes by arguments Thoughts and reflections Read the full article

#100 #aphorisms #Brown #Lennon #Lincoln #magnificent #maxims #onehundred #quotes #Russell #voltaire

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postsforposting · 1 year ago

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If we are going to say "business protects its interests by using regulations and things like collusion" and call that a choice they make, then it is absolutely a choice individual people make to vote to change regulations too. It's not as simple as "vote with your wallet" OR "use regulations". Those aren't different kinds of choices, they are all choices. The invisible hand of the market is ruled by more "choices" than demand.

People aren't powerless, is the point. No one is helpless in the face of Cartoon Business, which is what the op is saying: you are not responsible, take all the oil barons out and kill them, voila paradise. That's what this meme is. That's why this is a screenshot of a headline and not a linked article.

The other obvious problem is that lots of people don't think climate change is a thing, lots of people don't believe there should be market controls or regulations, and those people vote too. Which is where the handy "you are helpless, it's the cartoon business at fault" comes in: when you lose at the polls, or when people refuse to vote because they say mine doesn't count, they get to whine about how nothing ever changes because Evil Corp rigged things and they are such tiny helpless babies and we're all doomed. It's liberal doomerism apocalypse cult belief. Same as evangelical rapture, just with a different guy coming to murder everyone.

There is a common thread of helplessness and refusal to actively do anything, refusal to actively acknowledge that things can be changed, that anything has ever changed, that anything could get better, in the mainstream left. It's a core belief. I think that comes from having converted from conservatism, or even just cultural osmosis, because this is exactly what they teach children: shut up and fear god. That lesson stays with people just as the idea of "cancelling" and punishment for deviation and challenging authority does, as does the idea that anyone who claims authority no matter how flimsy gets to threaten and speak over everyone else, meting out punishment no matter how egregious.

This is why protests block traffic instead of being planned even a little bit better, because being nasty and hateful to people is viewed as the best way to "accomplish" things--just as conservatives believe the best way to "change" people is to hurt them until they give in. Harass people and threaten them until they do what you want: the principles of torture. Even though putting in a tiny bit of thought towards what their goals are and how to do that better would get them better results and make them more effective at "raising awareness". No one 20 cars behind the front line knows why there's a bunch of assholes holding up traffic, for all they know there's an accident. Does that "raise awareness"? Would it be better, perhaps, to allow cars to pass so they can see your signs about whatever issue? But we can't have that, because that would make sense, and that would mean we aren't hurting people as much as possible, and that would mean when we fail we can't just blame shit on The Man/The System and we'd have to take responsibility ourselves to do more, and that would mean we would have to say hurting people doesn't work and we'd have to change tactics and blame ourselves for our own poor choices hurting our cause. We wouldn't be able to say we're helpless little babies and nothing will ever change.

Why does no one in these protests bring up that this is laughable bullshit and is hurting the cause? Do they bring it up, and get shouted down? Do people not care about the results they aren't getting? The only conclusion is that their goal, is not their stated goal. Doing anything to challenge the idea of helplessness means taking responsibility, and that means failure is our fault. And? Try again.

But they can't do that because they treat failure like the apocalypse. Anyone who fails gets cancelled, no appeal or context allowed. You fail, you deserve punishment, because if you had done everything right, then you wouldn't have failed, would you? Another conservative belief. And because you can't do anything right, why even try? Nothing will ever be enough.

The fact that this runs up against the belief that nothing will ever work isn't a problem, because two false things can be true when you don't examine your beliefs. You can keep doing things that don't work exactly because nothing will ever change.

It's like the left never grew out of the child mentality. "I can't do anything because Mommy forbid it". Folds arms and refuses to engage with anyone except to repeat their mantra.

"Hey so it turns out that the people of earth accidentally did a global experiment to see if every individual could course correct climate change through mass personal change of habits, and it turns out, no! We can't! It was massive corporate activity all along!"

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pharaalex1 · 1 year ago

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Pain to Resilence

Things happen for a reason, right? That there is a bigger picture than what we are shown that must take time for us to fully recognize and understand regardless of the impact it has on us. There must be a reason for the pain, the suffering, the loneliness, and the abandonment even if the answer isn’t there at some point it will reveal itself, won’t it? This secret mantra you say to yourself in hopes will fill some sense of anguish when it is just a temporary dressing on a gaping wound that continues to slowly bleed out in a never-ending cycle of doubts and what ifs. This cycle of self-loathing and destroying yourself for the hope of something that is now long gone, just as those who have come and gone you will be but a memory, a steppingstone for them become who they want to be without you to only reap the benefits of your presence. This is your punishment for giving yourself so easily, punishment for being careless and selfless. The world is unkind and unforgiving, it is based on survival and for one’s own gain.

Finally, in the mist of our darkening thoughts we must remind ourselves that though life is merciless there is a silver lining of hope that is a constant motivation that refuses to extinguish. This is something found in all of us, deep within that resilience which gives us the capabilities to grow, adapt and persevere. The punishment that is given to us should not be taken forsaken us but rather trials to overcome and learn our greatest lessons from. You are strong and resilient, there is a light that will never leave if that determination is there. The will to live and survive.

The path to finding oneself is long and treacherous, but it is a journey that we all must take to find ourselves and what purpose we have in this lifetime even if it doesn’t make sense now. We must come to realize that the pain and suffering we face is not in vain; they should be considering mentors, teachers, and guides pushing us towards a better understanding of not only ourselves but the world around us.

As time passes, we begin to mend the wounds that plague us, becoming more self-aware of our own needs, and becoming better at discerning who deserves our trust and care. There is a beauty in resilience, power in loving oneself, and placing healthy boundaries to protect what is sacred to you. The idea of giving yourself to someone is not a flaw but rather a gift because in a already unkind world kindness is a strength, not a weakness.

Yes, while the world can be unkind and unforgiving, it can also be a place where areas of kindness can be found, we are able to build genuine and lasting relationships. The scars of the past will remain and so will the memories but that should not diminish the potential for a better tomorrow. We may not know the reasons behind the pain and suffering, but we must persist on because your strong and nothing will diminish that because on this journey the reason will slowly reveal itself and provide wisdom for us to heal ourselves and become a better version of yourself.

#healing #self love #self care #relatable #writers on tumblr #writer things #creative writing #resilience #pain #love #growth #life lessons #reality

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cosmicjoke · 2 years ago

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What's your sentiment on the phrase "dont give fictional characters human rights" passing around the internet?

I feel, I am in between, reading Oyasumi Punpun and Saezuru. I can't stand still and just past the pages like nothing is happening because 'its just fiction. they're not real.' But in all honesty they affected me, emotionally and psychologically. What's happening to them is very real to me and I feel it deep within me, that at times I think about them before going to sleep rather than my homework, (ridiculous I know). Punpun deserves to be happy, Yashiro deserves to be happy, the people that hurt them deserves to be jailed.

Though, I do understand, being overly-protected to fictional characters doesnt give anyone the right to be Aholes towards real people in the chat.

I haven't heard that phrase. I'm pretty out of the loop when it comes to internet trends, I'm afraid, but maybe that's a good thing.

I don't think it's weird at all that you feel genuine compassion and emotion for fictional characters. I do too. Fiction is a hugely important part of every person's life, and to try and diminish that, or take away its impact on people is pointless and asinine. How we respond to fictional characters is indeed a reflection, I think, of how we would respond to real life scenarios, and to real life suffering. Art is meant to make us reflect, to practice introspection, and engender sympathy for people and situations and circumstances we might otherwise be unable to relate to. I also don't think it's wrong to judge fictional characters who have done something bad or egregious, or to want to see them punished for their behavior. Fiction and fictional characters are vital in helping us, ultimately, understand ourselves better. So this idea that we shouldn't apply the same level of compassion and sympathy and empathy toward fictional characters as we do real life people is, I think, indicative of a lack of compassion in and of itself.

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lady-griffin · 2 years ago

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This is why I think the Joker's philosophy of – all it takes is just “one bad day” - is such an interesting way to consider things; particularly when looking at certain stories and characters.

What if the only difference between the Joker and everyone else isn’t something inherently “wrong” with him?

What if he’s right, what if, all it takes, is just “one” bad day?

And lots of people miss the point when it’s brought up – because they’ll say, well the Joker is wrong because this person didn't break or didn’t become any crueler, even though they suffered. In fact, they became a kind and good person specifically because of all the pain and suffering they experienced, and no other reason at all.

And it’s like, sure...

I guess?

But if someone doesn’t break, is that really because they were so truly good their core? Or is it because Batman saved them in time and they were able to get help afterwards?

Also, what if you endure countless amounts of suffering and you simply don’t stay “strong” enough to last long enough to be saved? Is that on you then?

Does that just mean you’re a weak person? Evil? Were you always going to become like this? Did you deserve this, by not being enough? Is it your fault for “giving in”?

Personally, I like the idea that we aren’t inherently good or evil we’re just humans and it’s what we choose that can defy us.

But sometimes, life doesn’t give us many choices, let alone any good ones, and we’re simply screwed. Or when we did choose to do good, we were punished or hurt for it.

How many of us, could actually keep taking that again and again and again? For how long could we endure that?

If we break sooner than someone else, is that really our fault? Is the other person truly so much better than us?

Personally, I really loved in the Joker movie Arthur trudging up the stairs each and every day – it’s not easy and it was getting harder and harder.

Can we really fault someone, for being so exhausted that they just can’t keep going on? Or that they want the ease of gleefully dancing down the stairs, rather than the suffering it takes to climb them up another time?

The point isn’t to justify the Joker, but recognize something within ourselves.

We all have stairs we’re struggling to go, so, I think we should just realize that it’s a possibility for us too.

Again, it’s not about the Joker, not really; it’s more about all these questions I’m throwing out there, particularly these -

How many stairs to you have to go up each and every single day?

How much can you carry up those stairs?

How much do you actually end up carrying?

How many times can you go up those before you just can’t anymore?

Even if someone has less stairs then you, that doesn’t mean they’re weaker or simply have it better. It doesn’t.

You don’t know what everyone else is going through, only yourself.

And look, maybe for some people, they simply are such amazing, good people, that all the awful things they’ve suffered, can’t break them.

But is that really because of who they are, or more so, because what they’ve endured wasn’t actually up to their specific breaking point?

Can you even know what’s your breaking point or “bad day” is, if you’ve never come face to face with it?

I mean, we all have a different breaking point inside us, it’s certainly not one trauma fits all, kind of thing.

This is also why I think Harley Quinn and Jinx are such great representatives of this philosophy, even better than Joker himself (depending on the iteration); especially Jinx and what Arcane shows us with her journey from Powder to Jinx.

For both Harley and Jinx, their choices absolutely matter in the equation of how they went from who they use to be to who they became, but we also see that sometimes life just gives you awfulness and shit choices.

Or that we’re all flawed, breakable people trying are best.

Or that we honestly can’t even begin to think of ourselves as any kind of villain or monster, simply because we know we’re a good person. We know. Don’t we?

We see how with characters throughout different stories, that their fate is impacted by what they chose do to (intentional or a mistake), but also how so much was outside their control, and all they could do was just respond and react.

For me, the whole ‘bad day’ philosophy isn’t to justify villains or bad people doing bad things in the real world, but to make us (hopefully) stay sympathetic to others and keep in mind that for all we know, that could be us. We need to in some way acknowledge what we can become if we’re pushed past our breaking points.

It’s easy to say you would never become like that person or do something like this; it’s easy to just believe nothing bad can happen to you and even if it did, you couldn’t possibly change for the worse. Not you. Not me. Not any of us.

We know who we really and are all those other people, they chose to be bad and they did so willfully, and we don’t have to worry about that, because we all know that being kind and good are such easy, automatic things that are never ever inconvenient or uncomfortable or just difficult to do at times.

We always know what’s right and wrong, because we know ourselves and we would NEVER be a monstrous villain, simply because it can’t happen, not to us. Not ever.

#the joker #arcane #jinx #harley quinn #dr. harleen quinzel #the killing joke #joker 2019

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years ago

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The thing about abused kids is, we can’t tell when we’re not doing well. We could be shut alone in our room for days, wanting to harm ourselves, wanting to bang our head against the wall, refusing to eat, refusing to talk, sinking in dark thoughts and we wouldn’t have any idea this constitutes ‘not doing well’ because our parents will treat all of that like it’s normal. We’ll get told we’re just being whiny and spoiled and it’s our own fault so how could we know that we’re actually, spiraling and in a bad place?

We also don’t know what normal childhood constitutes of, so if we don’t have a friend group to go out with, if we’re not able to indulge in our interests and have fun and play, if we’re not carefree and excited and living every day like it’s an adventure, we don’t know that this is wrong! Our normal is feeling ashamed and on edge most of the time, having imaginary arguments with ourselves or others to prove that we’re not bad, we’re not evil. Sometimes it’s taking on adult responsibilities, caring for other family members, doing constant work or chores, having our time monopolized by family responsibilities, worrying that we’re not fun enough for friends, or we don’t even have time for them. Our normal can be just being afraid of what kind of a mood our parent will be in and whether we can safely eat that day. Or it will be about hiding, doing ‘forbidden’ things in corners, keeping secrets, worrying we’ll be found and punished. Lying in bed for hours while insults, threats, and guilt trips ring in our ears over and over, making us wish we didn’t exist.

We don’t know this is bad. We don’t know this doesn’t consistitute a normal childhood. We don’t know what we’re missing on, or what our day should be like. All we know is what we’re being told, and it’s that everything is our fault, and we have it better than we deserved, actually, and we should feel lucky it isn’t worse. It’s only years into the future we’ll be able to analyze our own state a bit more correctly, become aware of what suffering and spiraling is, and then look back to our childhood to say ‘Jesus, what a horrible state I was in.’

#child abuse #abusive parents #parental abuse #children can't self-diagnose #traumatic childhood

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eclipsednodes · 5 years ago

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SHADOW WORK SIMPLIFIED

What is shadow work?

If I had to describe shadow work in one word, it would be introspection. Introspection is the examination of your own mental state and is necessary in order to learn more about your fundamental nature. Although it may sound off-putting and even scary at first, shadow work is a necessary component in the process of healing. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’ve rejected and hidden away out of fear. Through shadow work, we’re able to reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and habits so that we can find the root cause of our suffering and heal ourselves. By reincorporating those aspects of ourselves that we’ve denied, we feel more fulfilled and can begin to love ourselves fully.

Where does shadow work come from?

The concept of the shadow self comes from Carl Jung who believed that our shadow self is the subconscious aspect, or “dark side”, of our personality that our conscious ego doesn’t identify with. However, I would like to clarify that “dark” does not imply or equate with bad. That which resides outside of our consciousness can be either good or bad, but aren’t inherently reflective of our value or “goodness” as a person.

Although these repressed aspects of ourselves can manifest negatively, it isn’t because those parts of us are “bad”, but that the process of repression is inherently painful and toxic. This is reflected by Jung when he states, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” He believed that until we’ve merged our conscious and subconscious selves, that our conscious would be “the slave of the autonomous shadow”. This is due to the shadow self overwhelming our conscious selves by falling victim to our own self-imposed traps.

Through assimilating this shadow self, not over-identifying with it, Jung believed we go through the process of enantiodromia, thereby integrating the subconscious by reincorporating our shadow selves into our personality and allowing us to solidify ourselves through wholeness. He best described this by stating "assimilation of the shadow gives a man body, so to speak.” However, don’t fall into the misconception that shadow work is a short-term practice. Shadow work is a continuous practice and integration of the shadow self is a will take place throughout your life.

How do I do shadow work?

In the last question, I identified that practicing self-reflection is a key component of shadow work, but what does that mean? What am I supposed to be reflecting on? Well, the first thing that you should focus on is being present throughout the day. Identify feelings that come up throughout the day and observe them objectively. What situation or interaction triggered these emotions? How did I react to those emotions? Were my emotions controlling me or was I in control of my emotions? Why did this situation or interaction cause me to feel this way? How did I cope with those feelings (self-harming, lashing out at others, communicating my feelings, journalling, etc.)? Did I punish myself for getting upset? If so, why?

There are numerous ways to reflect on your feelings and experiences in order to get a better understanding of yourself. Through evaluating how you react to situations, which situations upset you, and how you managed those feelings, you’re able to build the foundation to understanding your emotions and bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious mind.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll find that the emotions you feel in the present are reflective of unhealed emotions from your past. Perhaps the reason you feel that you’re unable to set boundaries as an adult is because as a child, your parents never respected your boundaries by going through your phone or diary, yelling at you when you said no to a request, forcing you into situations that made you feel you had no choice.

By identifying the root cause of your emotional pain, you’re able to address it in the present and heal from the trauma. The simplest way that I’ve found to address them is through journalling. You can purchase a physical journal or even use your notes app, either way, you’re writing out your feelings and reflections to gain deeper insight. It’s important to remember that this looks different for anyone and that the best way to approach shadow work is by doing what feels most natural! You can choose to stick to self-reflective journal prompts, vent about whatever is upsetting you, write letters to whoever has hurt you, etc. Ultimately, you can guide yourself based off of what you feel you need and where you are in your journey.

What parts of yourself do you find yourself rejecting the most? Many of us have experienced the pain of rejection in some aspects of our lives and sometimes, it’s incredibly painful and leaves us with long-lasting wounds. We end up going through our lives carrying baggage that we don’t even know we have! Many times, I’ve found myself wondering why I felt so repulsed by aspects of myself and why I felt so strongly that they needed to be locked away forever. I couldn’t allow myself or others to see my truest self, my whole self, out of fear. I was scared of being rejected, shamed, humiliated by the people around me. I was scared of hurting other people by being myself and of being hurt by others. That’s no way to live, is it? When we tell ourselves that aspects of ourselves aren’t good enough, we end up going through life devaluing ourself. We’ve broken our own trust by rejecting ourselves, we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t good enough or worthy of love. In shadow work, you’re called to go inward and unpack everything that we’ve kept hidden for years and sometimes even decades.

Bring the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to the surface and nourish them with love, allow yourself to see that ALL OF YOU is deserving of love and support. For you, that could mean unlearning your unhealthy beliefs about food or eating, allowing yourself to be emotional around the people you love (despite how much you were told that you were too emotional, a crybaby, too sensitive in the past), allowing yourself to relax without feeling guilty about not being productive because you recognize your needs (even though you feel your sense of worth is tied to being productive at the cost of your own health).

Common misconceptions about shadow work?

Shadow work is evil or bad, the shadow is evil or bad

The purpose of shadow work is healing through working with your subconscious to release repressed aspects of yourself and heal from painful, traumatic experiences. Your shadow side is simply your unconscious and to believe that it’s bad is to believe that you are bad. It’s merely the part of yourself that you aren’t aware of consciously and shouldn’t be feared.

Certain emotions are “bad”

When you let go of the idea that emotions are either good or bad, you’ll allow yourself to just be and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel “good” all of the time. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being so stop expecting to be all of the time, we have a range of emotions for a reason so stop being ashamed of them. Your feelings are natural and if you feel like they’re out of control and something to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s okay to feel like your emotions are controlling you because that isn’t permanent. Your feelings aren’t permanent and are completely manageable with proper guidance! The reason you feel like your emotions are controlling you is because you probably don’t have the knowledge to cope with them in an effective and healthy way. It’s helpful to sit with your emotions alone and look at them objectively without placing any judgement on them, this will help you calm down and assess your feelings. From there, you can identify what you need to relax and recover as well as acknowledge to yourself that your feelings are natural. When you stop categorizing your emotions as bad, they’re no longer shameful to experience and therefore you can see with better clarity how to cope with them and move on.

I’ve already released it so…

Why am I still upset?

Why does it still keep popping up in my head?

Why haven’t I moved on?

Why am I not making progress?

With the rise of self development and spirituality, I find that more and more people are rushing to complete their healing. Healing is a continuous, life-long cycle and not a destination. Putting the pressure on yourself to reach the place of ultimate healing is not only toxic, but it impedes your ability to actually heal anything. Healing is about love, compassion, and patience and it’s not going to happen according to a timeline. Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions, see them objectively, forgive yourself and others and move on without the pressure of expectations.

Another reason that you could be experiencing this is that despite the work you think you’ve done, it hasn’t been sufficient. I’ve found that a lot of journal prompts provided online are surface level at best and can be more pacifying than revealing. If you’re not feeling anything while doing your inner work, you’re not doing it correctly. Ultimately, this is about uncovering what makes us UNCOMFORTABLE and moving through those feelings. When you allow yourself to experience the sadness, hurt, anger, and/or frustration than you’re telling yourself that these feelings are okay and don’t need to be suppressed. The reality is that no matter what you’re feeling, you are allowed to experience those emotions and it’s only human! Unfortunately, many people associate lower vibrational emotions as bad, but this is a huge misconception! Telling yourself that anger, sadness, etc. are “bad” implies that you shouldn’t experience these emotions and that you have to get rid of them which is not only wrong, but unhealthy. There is no right or wrong emotions so don’t buy into the belief that you should feel a certain way, simply allow yourself to be and you’ll find that it’s much easier to navigate your emotions and needs. The only way to make it to the other side is by wading through the water, be patient and know that you’re feeling exactly what you should be. When you stop censoring yourself, you’ll discover a newfound sense of freedom and wholeness.

If you find yourself circling back to certain topics, for example, your ex-boyfriend than perhaps there are triggers in your environment that remind you of the situation, you have more that needs to be addressed that you may not have been ready for or aware of previously (hence why shadow work is a practice that is ongoing), or they’re representative of a deeper issue that you’re repressing. Whatever the cause is, the same methods as earlier will apply and can be discerned through your own intuition.

What are some basic journal prompts that I can do?

What feelings come up when you think of ____?

How did that experience make you feel emotionally? How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel about the other person or people?

Write a letter to yourself, your inner child, the people who’ve hurt you, and the people you’ve hurt. Express how you feel honestly, without holding back and then forgive yourself and the other person.

If you could say anything to yourself or another person for closure, what would it be?

How have these situations and experiences impacted your mental health? How have they affected your belief system about yourself, other people, and the world?

What about yourself are you ashamed of? What about yourself are you embarrassed of? What about yourself makes you angry? What do you regret? Why do you feel this way about yourself and where do these feelings stem from?

What makes you feel most alone? What makes you feel most loved? How can you incorporate that knowledge into your life to make it better?

What’s the most hurtful thing someone has said or done to you? Why did it hurt you so much? How does it still affect you now? How can you heal from it and allow yourself to move on?

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What do you need to forgive others for?

Where do you feel you lack security in your life? Why? How does this impact your life and your relationships?

This is a list of generic prompts for you to start with, but feel free to message me if you need help with more specific topics or I can make another post altogether for journal prompts.

#shadow work #spirituality #witchblr #carl jung #witchcraft #energy work #healing #shadow self

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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 years ago

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The "work ethic" is a dirty trick we play on ourselves

In Nebraska — and elsewhere — the forced-labor camps that some prisoners are sent to have been rebranded. They’re called “Work-Ethic Camps” now, and prisoners do 30–40h/week of hard labor for $1.21/day, interspersed with “intro to business” courses.

As Jamiek McCallum writes in Aeon: “If there was a formula for obliterating the work ethic, giving people undesirable jobs with long hours and barely paying them sounds exactly like it.”

https://aeon.co/essays/how-the-work-ethic-became-a-substitute-for-good-jobs

McCallum is reiterating the thesis of his 2020 book, “Worked Over: How Round-the-Clock Work Is Killing the American Dream,” which presents discourse about work-ethic as “a severe anxiety about a fundamental precept of the American civil religion.”

https://www.basicbooks.com/titles/jamie-k-mccallum/worked-over/9781541618343/

Americans fret that a failing work-ethic is symbolic of national decline. Which is weird: hours for all workers rose by 13% between 1975 and 2016, and millennials are more likely than their elders to say “hard work is important to getting ahead.”

https://oxford.universitypressscholarship.com/view/10.1093/oso/9780190685898.001.0001/oso-9780190685898-chapter-4

The white-collar workers who locked down for the pandemic increased their hours worked:

https://hbr.org/2020/07/microsoft-analyzed-data-on-its-newly-remote-workforce

The precarious “essential” workers who risked their lives and stayed on the job contended with irregular schedules and low pay.

We have a “work ethic” problem — but it’s not too little work ethic — it’s too much.

McCallum: “overwork, unstable schedules, and a lack of adequate hours define the paradoxical time signature of the work life today.”

But, McCallum argues, the work ethic doesn’t create the bad working conditions. Rather, we dream up the work ethic to resolve the cognitive dissonance of unsustainable, brutal working conditions.

That’s why surveys show workers who express a preference for shorter hours report satisfaction with their working conditions when their hours get longer — workers don’t “get what they want” so they “want what they get.”

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1162/1088198054084581

This rationalizing of the bruising effects of overwork as the virtuous expression of good morals is essential to capitalism. Capitalism requires that we prove ourselves “worthy” — of food, shelter, education, leisure — by succeeding in the market.

It’s not shocking that a Wisconsin school district is ending free school meals for young children in order to improve their work ethic. If you can’t afford food, you don’t deserve food.

https://www.businessinsider.com/waukesha-school-district-says-free-school-meals-spoil-students-2021-8

The cult of the work ethic is the flipside of the aristocrat’s leisure-as-status-symbol — the use of hobbies and “idleness” as a way to demonstrate your membership in the ruling class — think of preppie chic, with its emphasis on golf- and boating-clothes.

Early capitalists demanded leisure for themselves and hard work for the proletariat — but so did their enemies. Marxists valorized work and workers, creating the worker-hero.

But the left has also always had a pro-leisure/anti work ethic tendency, embodied by the likes of Woody Guthrie, whose “Talking Hard Luck Blues” is a smart and savage assault on the idea that overwork is a virtue.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/woodyguthrie/talkinghardluckblues.html

I held 125 head of wild horses, put saddles and bridles on more that that

Harnessed some of the craziest, wildest teams in the whole country

I rode 14 loco broncos to a dead standstill and let 42 hound dogs lick me all over

Seven times I was bit by hungry dogs and I was chewed all to pieces by

Water moccasins and rattlesnakes on two separate river bottoms

I chopped and I carried 314 armloads of stove wood, 100 buckets of coal

And I carried a gallon of kerosene 18 miles over the mountains, got lost

Lost a pair of shoes in a mud hole

And I chopped and I weeded 48 rows of short cotton, 13 acres of bad corn

And cut sticker weeds out of 11 back yards

“All on accounta’ cause I wanted to show her that I was a man a I liked to work.”

In “Talking Union,” Guthrie says the point is leisure:

You get shorter hours, better working conditions, vacations with pay, take the kids to the seaside.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C13JFv4JfH8

The work ethic hustle hasn’t just robbed us of time for leisure — it’s transformed leisure into a self-Taylorizing time-and-motion hustle. Conquering Disneyland requires a project manager, a spreadsheet and a stopwatch.

https://doctorow.medium.com/disneyland-at-a-stroll-part-vi-62934f35aac1

This is why we call it “late-stage capitalism.” It’s not just precarious workers logging destructively long shifts and losing the leisure time to imagine, dream, love and live — it’s also the 1%, who sometimes pay for the privilege. It’s a system that punishes the winners, albeit less severely than the losers.

McCallum closes his essay with some remarks from Andrew Russell, an inmate at a Nebraskan Work Ethic Camp. Russell worked a series of sub-survival jobs before finding a living wage selling meth, a gruelling job that he worked long hours at before his arrest.

Russell actually escaped from the WEC but was turned in by a friend who needed the reward money, and had to serve an extra year as punishment. He served three years and was released in 2019, having earned “enough money to buy a bus ticket to his parents’ house.”

“I know how to work just fine, been doing it as a kid. What are they trying to prove? I like to work hard, but there’s gotta be a point, so I don’t feel I completely wasted my time. I wanna do real work. What really matters is everything we do outside our jobs to strengthen our community — that’s the real work.”

#pluralistic

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enamouredfae · 4 years ago

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♡ Pick a Card ♡

What you need to know in order to be ready for the love you so longingly seek!

This reading is looking at anything you might need to heal or grow into in order to enter future relationships as your higher self. I am not looking at your future, but simply trying to guide you towards your highest good in the field of love. Many of us have internalized certain perceptions of love that we must unlearn, or have lived through difficult moments which have closed us off or made experiencing love more difficult. If you are in a toxic relationship/situation, please do not take any messages that might seem to tell you to stay in it. With this reading, I will hopefully open you up to some introspection and hopefully growth. You may very well be attracted to multiple piles and that is ok! Read all that attract you and take what resonates. Each pile has three pieces of advice, so mixing and matching is invited!

This reading is for entertainment purposes only.

This is a timeless reading for the collective, therefore it is likely that some messages will not resonate with you. Please only take the messages that do! The messages that do not, are meant for somebody else. Remember that the future is never set in stone and that you possess free will! Love you! ♡

Pile 1

Charm: Knot

1. Yang

Yang tells me that you need to learn to become more proactive in love. You cannot wait around. You must act! You need to manifest your desires into the material world by doing. It's perfectly fine to do the first move, no matter what society deems "acceptable", it is even invited with this card.

23. Peace

Radical acceptance is necessary for inner peace and in this case for a higher love. You must first love yourself fully, light and shadow self, before loving someone else in the way that you both deserve! And you deserve radical acceptance, we are all flawed and intricate people! As long as we are willing to change and grow and put in the work, past mistakes can be atoned for.

38. To be fair

This card tells me that you need to learn to be more balanced in relationships. Are you giving more than the other parties? Are you giving less? We must be fair to both others and ourselves. When someone in the relationship gives more, they may feel underappreciated which can become unmotivating, but they can also overwhelm the other person. You must learn balance.

Pile 2

Charm: Cactus

7. To the sea (reversed)

"When fishermen cannot go to sea, they stay at home and repair their nets." This is a quote from the guidebook that I had to rewrite here because it encapsulates the advice perfectly. You probably long for love like fishermen long for the sea. This card is telling me that the problem isn't coming from you, but the external world. An idea that just popped up in my head is a queer teen living in a homophobic area or with homophobic parents, so it is likely that this could be your situation. If it is, I love you, please take care of yourself, love and better days will come, don't worry! But you must wait a while longer until the external world matches your vibration, perhaps you'll have to move, wait until you're safe to go out to the sea. Until then, go with the flow.

50. No place like home (reversed)

This card seems to work perfectly with the previous one, it reminds us that what is familiar isn't always the best, because it keeps us from growing. If you want change, you can't keep going to the same things/people that haven't worked before, it's counterintuitive. It is natural to go back to what's familiar, but try something new. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Choose unfamiliar.

34. A leg up (reversed)

You are carrying the burden of your world all alone. You probably don't feel safe sharing what you feel, or are very uncomfortable with vulnerability. To be honest with you, right before writing this part of the reading, I started tearing up, you are holding in so much hurt... You need to voice your struggles, being vulnerable is proof of immense strength, believe me! I know it's hard! Start little by little with someone you really trust!

Pile 3

Charm: Star

35. Loyal Heart

Ok if one pile is ready for the beginning of a relationship it's this one. It is the perfect time for you to create loyal commitments. It is possible that you are already in a committed relationship, but at the very least you are surrounded by loyal, devoted people. Don't forget to be devoted and loyal in return!

4. Higher Power (reversed)

This card is inviting you to trust in whatever divine power you believe in, trust that the universe is divinely guiding you and protecting you. I feel like if a certain religion or spiritual path attracts or fascinates you, you should start looking into it, careful with being disrespectful or appropriating it, especially with closed practices, please do your research! But connecting to Source would be beneficial to you in the long run!

25. Round and Round

You are stuck in a cycle that you must break. Do not worry, you shouldn't feel bad, it's all part of the learning process. Remember: you've been through this before, think back on how that made you feel the previous times, are you sure you want to go through that again? Breaking this cycle is a form of self-care, and you need to care for yourself! You are subconsciously punishing yourself by staying in this cycle, try thinking about the root of why you're doing so! It could help you in breaking it!

Pile 4

Charm: "Love"

8. The tribe

You may want to find your tribe, or you have recently found it. You might feel like you finally belong, or are longing for that feeling. Whenever I get this card, I think of the astrology/witchcraft/tarot community here! It may be the same for you! You are welcome here, and hopefully, you feel like you belong! Contributing to any community that you are passionate about, whether online or in real life, will bring you great joy and satisfaction. Your tribe awaits and needs you! It's possible that that's where you'll find love as well!

6. Not for you (reversed)

Let them go. Whoever you first thought of, it's time to stop obsessing over them. "Don't chase after what flees you." I'm sure you realize this is not serving you, but how do you stop? This card is suggesting radical acceptance and surrender, that this is a sign that someone or something much better is waiting for you. I suggest reminding yourself that they aren't perfect and that you have just come to idealize them.

52. Mending (reversed)

You are very likely going through a grieving period right now. There is so much hurt and disappointment. "Heartbreak is a strange healer of souls." It may feel awful now, but trust that when you look back one day, you will see that the hurt you're feeling now, transformed you in a powerful way. This card is inviting you to accept the heartbreak and push through it, situations like this open us up to seeing the world in a new way, to growing. Better days are coming!

Pile 5

Charm: Angel

28. Building blocks (reversed)

Are you acting according to your belief system? Are you following the advice you give others? You must look carefully at your core foundation. It seems to me that you have done a lot of inner growth, but are still stuck in your old ways. Your outer self isn't matching your inner self. Start doing what you preach!

47. Go the distance

I feel like you're someone that wants love right now! For it to come fast and smoothly, like a sprint. You must learn to see love more realistically, as a long-distance race of endurance. You may be the type to immediately run at the sight of a problem. You must learn to be dedicated and work in love, it won't always be the idealized version you keep reading about or watching. Love demands work!

32. Here and Now (reversed)

You live in the past, don't you? So much regret and nostalgia... Or perhaps you live in the future? Daydreams and ambition. There is a need to learn to live in the here and now, you cannot change the past, and the future is infinite. They're both elusive, and unreliable; now is tangible, real, and full of immediate possibilities.

Pile 6

Charm: Mars Symbol

22. Blessed

This beautiful card talks about an unexpected and "unearned" wonderful event, that seems like divine intervention, a gift from the universe. The advice I take from this card is to practice gratitude because you seem to be blessed in the love department. Perhaps you already know who "the one" is for you. If you don't, trust that the universe has someone wonderful for you!

31. Why?

Ask yourself why you feel as you do about/in love? It is time for some introspection. You need to think and identify unhealthy patterns in your love life. Why do you act as you do in a relationship? Identify what in your past has caused this behavior. It won't solve the problem right away, but it's a good first step. Understanding the problem will be validating.

27. Exchanging gifts (reversed)

"Be careful what you pray for because you might just get it." You need to be ready for the energy exchange that will happen if this happens. This card talks about an imbalance between giving and receiving. You must learn that if you receive a lot, you must return a lot, love needs to be balanced. If you give more, you aren't actually in control, the other party could be consciously or unconsciously taking advantage of your generosity!

Pile 7

Charm: Eternally Open Heart Locket

17. The Fates

You must learn to accept that there are things and people you simply cannot control and change. You cannot blame yourself for things beyond your control, nor can you blame others for things they cannot control. Just be wise enough to tell the difference between things one can control and things one cannot!! If you have a tendency to mold people into your ideal, making them lose their essence, you must learn to accept people for who they are. It is not your job to change them: the desire to change must come from them, for them.

15. Message in a bottle

Try asking for specific signs from the universe, or start becoming more aware of them. Synchronicities are all around you, they're the way that the universe confirms that you're on the right path! Listen carefully to those you communicate with, they could be delivering a cledon to you. This card itself is a good sign, a favorable answer to the question occupying your mind.

9. Treasure Island

You might've already, but if you haven't, MANIFEST YOUR LOVE!! You will be greatly rewarded when you embrace the law of attraction and your intuition. Depending on your belief in how manifestation works, try being mindful of free will! If you believe that love spells on specific people are influencing their free will, then it is immoral to manifest a specific person. If you don't believe that that is how manifestation works, do as you will, just be in line with your beliefs! This card is also a great sign, you're on the right path, and have good fortune on your side. Very lucky pile!!

Pile 8

Charm: Boot

2. Yin (reversed)

You must learn to receive, only being the giver isn't good for you. You deserve to receive! Be open to embodying yin and yang equally. "You stop the flow of abundance when you constantly insist upon being the giver." Be the listener, the one that learns, the one that is being led.

33. Chaos and Conflict

You may be afraid of chaos and conflict, but you must remember that they can rid you of what's no longer serving you. Conflict also implies two sides, remember that yours isn't the only one, and conflict can lead to mutual understanding. Learn to put up boundaries, but also to respect those of others. When you finally see the potential of healing that conflict can cause, you'll be ready for mature communication in relationships.

20. Imagine

Remember that you can create what you imagine! Your imagination is powerful in manifesting your desires, but it can't do everything for you! Manifestation is work, when an opportunity arises, act! This card can also be a sign that the person you're manifesting will be entering your life soon. When they appear, don't just wait, and daydream! The imagination part of manifesting is done, now it's time to act.

Pile 9

Charm: Knife

21. Clean it up

It's time to let go and declutter your mind. Think about what is no longer serving you, about the things that only overwhelm you, and make you overthink, they aren't good for you. It might also help you to declutter in general, your house, your closet, your phone, your feed, etc. Make room for the new and the better.

48. Poised (reversed)

Think carefully, are you really ready for love right now? Because this card is telling me that you aren't. It's ok to be a "late bloomer", and it's important to be ready for love, as to not hurt the one you love, and yourself. Being single isn't a sign of "failure", it gives you the time and space to focus on yourself, on your growth, on your healing, on exploring and understanding yourself. Being single can seem like a curse, but it's a blessing, it's what you need right now.

16. All that glitters

Are you being yourself in love? Are they? Don't succumb to the power of superficiality. Either let go of the mask or look beyond theirs! "Imagine that all the glitter is gone. Would you still desire the object or person?" If one falls for the glitter, what will happen on the day they forgets to glue it on?

Thank you for reading! Love you all.♡

You can buy me a coffee if you feel called to do so! This is never necessary, but always appreciated! ♡

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sunlight-moonrise · 4 years ago

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Patience is a Virtue (Ralvez x Reader Imagine)

Summary: It’s all fun and games until Luke shows up, and he doesn’t like when his lovers mess around without him.

A/N: Hey heyyyy. We have here a PolyAm Ralvez x Reader fic. This is my first time writing a threesome and it was a lot harder than I thought. Once again, a big thank you to @imagining-in-the-margins for making this story nice and neat for everyone. This is my NSFW story dedicated to the lovely @httpnxtt Enjoy!

Category: Smut

Content Warnings: M/F/M Threesome, Oral Sex (Male & Female Receiving), Fingering, Penetrative Vaginal Sex, Unprotected Sex, Edging/Orgasm Denial, Spitting/Spit Swallowing, Degradation/Praise, Slight Marking

Word Count: 3.2K

Masterlist

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I stared at the grandfather clock by the wall, watching the larger hand tick as each second passed by at a slow and tortuous pace. I absolutely hated waiting. I wouldn’t consider myself to be an impatient person, I just didn’t appreciate my time being wasted. There are a bunch of things that I could be doing right now, such as making out with my boyfriend, but I had to wait. Why?

“Please stop tapping your foot,” Spencer said, “you’re making me nervous.”

Because our boyfriend said so.

Luke was back at Quantico, doing god knows what, while Spencer and I were instructed to wait for his return. This was not unusual, Luke regularly asked us to wait for him. He didn’t want to miss out on the fun. His excuse was that Spencer and I spent more than enough time without him already, since the both of us were in a relationship before he met us. However, it has been hours already, and I was terribly, utterly horny.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

I groaned loudly as I shifted my body towards my boyfriend. He glanced at me shortly before returning his attention back to whatever was on TV.

“Spencerrrr,” I whined, my hands making their way towards his legs. He gently caught them with one of his, placing them back on me.

“No, you know what would happen if we try anything.”

A shiver went down my spine as a flash of a memory resurfaced. Luke had us both on our knees, making us take turns sucking him off. His pleasure was the only priority for that evening. Of course, he made it up to us the following morning with breakfast in bed and an orgasm each.

That was a fun time, but the memory only made me crave Spencer even more right now.

“Please baby, I want you so badly. I promise I’ll make it worthwhile.” My hands slowly glided back to his pants and this time he didn’t push them away.

“We shoul-” a groan cut him off as I slightly squeezed his growing erection.

“How would he find out?” I moved my body closer to his, pressing my chest against his arm. “I’m so wet for you Spencer, please.”

“I-I don’t know. Luke would be really upset if he finds out.”

“Just one kiss. Or two. That’s all, I promise.”

I moved to sit on his lap, making sure his hard erection was against my clothed center. I pressed my lips against his throat, enjoying the sound of the small gasp he released from his mouth.

“I won’t tell him if you don’t.”

I continued to press small kisses against the column of his throat as I slowly grinded my hips against his. Spencer placed his hands on my waist, his grip still shy and hesitant. I had him almost where I wanted him, I just needed to push a little bit more.

“And what do we have here,” a low voice stated from behind me. I felt Spencer tense underneath me as we both locked our eyes on our boyfriend. Luke was leaning his weight against the wall, his face void of any emotions. But Spencer and I knew better.

“Hey there babe, we were just uhhhh warming up for you. Right, Spence?” I turned my attention back to Spencer, hoping he will help soothe the predicament we caught ourselves in. However, he stayed silent, his head facing downward in a state of guilt.

“I could’ve sworn I said no touching until I got back. Or was I mistaken?”

“Well, you see, what had happened wa—” My attempt to swindle our way out of any punishment was cut off.

“I don’t want to hear it. The both of you go to the bedroom. Now.”

Spencer stood up, with me practically having to jump off him to avoid falling on the floor. If I had to bet, I’d say he was more excited than scared. He would never admit it, but we all know he loved Luke’s punishments. I was just the more vocal one between the two of us.

I followed after Spencer, going through the usual protocol. Luke likes us to be stripped down to our underwear. We sat on the bed, a good amount of distance between us so that Luke wouldn’t try to add another penalty to whatever he was going to give us.

We waited a few minutes before the door opened with a creak. Thank the mighty above that he decided not to make us wait for many more hours.

I kept my eyes downwards, waiting for further instruction. I heard Luke make his way towards Spencer before a sharp gasp was heard. The lewd sounds of sucking and moaning almost made me turn my head. Luke knows I love watching them together, but I can’t lift my head without permission. I did my best to keep my eyes on my lap as I heard them make out with one another.

I don’t know how long I waited, it could have been a few minutes or a few hours, before I heard them finally pull apart. Between the deep intakes of breath from the both of them, I assume it was a lengthy amount of time.

“I am proud of you for at least following this one rule cariña,” Luke panted, his words coming out a bit husky as he still tried to catch his breath, “Look at me.”

With greedy eyes, I looked at his face and took him all in. His lips were red and puffy, the leftover saliva keeping them moist. His hair was wild, as if a certain genius ran his hands through it. His chest moved up and down, eventually dwindling to an even pace.

He came closer to me, tucking two of his thick fingers under my chin to lift my head up so that I can focus solely on his lustful dark brown eyes. “Spencer,” he called, eyes still on mine, “come here.”

Within milliseconds, Spencer stood up next to Luke, awaiting further instruction. He was always more of a doer than a talker when in this role. Luke grabbed his hands as they took a few steps away from me. “Let’s give our darling girl a little show. Take my clothes off me.”

With greedy and excited hands, Spencer removed Luke’s button-down and undershirt. His fingers traced the soft skin of Luke’s chest as he made his way toward the pants. He took his time taking off Luke’s jeans and socks, enjoying the few moments at being on his knees in front of our man.

Lucky son of a bitch.

When Luke was finally in his boxers, he told Spencer to take a seat on the bed again before coming back to me. He grabbed my waist, forcing me to stand and pulling me against his body. He was so cool, which help to calm my overheated skin.

“What should I do with you, cariña, hmmm?”

I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to give him any ideas. He rubbed small circles on my hips as he contemplated what to do with me. He hummed a small tune while his eyes displayed a playful mischief.

“Ahhh, I have an idea. Babe, lie down on your back for me. You deserve a treat,” he told Spencer while he removed my underwear.

As soon as he released me, I went straight to Spencer. I knew what Luke wanted us to do without him outright saying it. I straddled Spencer’s waist and shimmied up to his face until my core was level to his mouth.

“The other way,” Luke called out, “I want to see you.” I hastily switched position, almost falling to my side. If it wasn’t for Spencer’s hands on my thighs, I would have had a face full of blankets right now.

“Go on.”

And with that, Spencer started using his mouth on me. I gasped as he slowly left soft kisses before moving his tongue from slit to clit in a tantalizing motion. I was already wet from earlier, but I was practically a puddle now. If there was one thing that Spencer was amazing at, it was eating a girl out. Or well, giving oral in general. He is a giver and knows how to work that amazing mouth in multiple ways.

I cried out when he closed his mouth over my clit and started to gently suck. He groaned when I pressed my hands down on his chest, the vibration causing my body to shudder. His hands on my thighs kept my trembling body as steady as possible. This is going to be over quickly if he continued on like this. I picked my head up to look at Luke, watching as he took in the scene in front of him.

“Give her a little more Spencer.”

A thick, long digit slowly replaced the tongue that was inside me. Similar to his mouth, Spencer was talented with his hands. Those dexterous fingers were a gift, and I was a happy recipient. His mouth returned to my clit, his tongue flicking against it as he curled his finger in a come hither motion. I let out a whispered curse as my eyes closed.

“Put another finger in her, Spencer.”

Spencer did as he was told, sliding a second digit inside of me. My high pitch moans were in harmony with the boys’ heavy breathing. I tried to stay still, but couldn’t help but grind slowly against Spencer’s face. I focused my attention back at Luke, only to see him softly fisting himself behind his boxers. Damn, I want nothing more than to have a closer look at him.

As if he read my mind, Luke came closer, his fist still pumping his thick cock. My mouth salivated in an instant, craving the feel of salty skin gliding against my tongue. I stuck my tongue out, hoping he would be nice and give me what I wanted.

For a moment, I thought he would do just that as he released his dick, removed his boxers, and climbed on the bed, straddling Spencer’s lower waist. Instead, he grabbed my hair harshly, forcing me to look up at him. With my mouth still opened wide for him, Luke looked directly into my eyes as he spit in my mouth. Without prompt, I swallowed greedily, showcasing my tongue for him again.

“You’re such a dirty little bitch, cariña,” Luke laughed. The sweet pet name combined with the degrading title had me whimpering for more attention. I wanted more. I needed more. I moved my head, just enough to capture Luke’s lips with my own. Luke quickly pulled away to glare at me while I wore a coy smile on my face.

“You greedy little girl,” was all he said as he delved back down. His lips were always soft, which contrasted with the way he would roughly kiss me. His stubble rubbed harshly against my face, his tongue sliding greedily against my own. His hands still fisted in my hair held me in place as he controlled our intense kiss.

The feeling of two tongues inside of me had me rising closer and closer to my climax. My legs started to shake as a shiver went through my spine. I focused on the pleasure they were giving me. I moaned loudly into Luke’s mouth while Spencer continued the even pace of his fingers and tongue. I was so close to my release and just when I was about to let go, Luke pulled away from me and said the worst two words a person could hear at a moment like this.

“Spencer, stop.”

Spencer instantly paused his movements, my orgasm waning along with it. I glared at Luke, telepathically telling him how much I hated him at that moment.

You fucking smug haughty beautiful bastard.

“Fix that face before I change my mind about potentially rewarding you,” Luke stressed out.

I immediately pouted at his words, casting my eyes down so that he didn’t see the anger that still lingered within them.

“Cariña, move down. Spencer, stay just like that,” he said, his voice carrying a softer tone as he moved down a bit to make room for me.

Just like before, I shimmied my body down until I was at Spencer’s waist. With Luke’s help, Spencer’s boxers were tossed somewhere across the room and I was hovering over his length. Spencer and I both gasped once he entered me. I slowly moved my hips down until he was bottomed out inside of me. Luke placed his hands on my waist as he moved me up and down, controlling the pace.

Spencer’s fists were clutching the sheets beneath him as he tried his best not to buck his hips. We were both trying to be good to avoid further punishment. It was bad enough that we’d barely seen each other’s faces this whole time. Luke knew I was a sucker for Spencer’s orgasm face.

Luke pressed a kiss on my forehead and dipped his head to leave bites and kisses on my throat. I could feel my body heat up the more his plush lips pressed against me. He released my waist, silently telling me to go on as he continued his descent, nibbling and marking the skin on my chest and stomach.

I nearly screamed once I felt his lips and tongue on my sensitive clit. From the way Spencer’s hips staggered and moans increased in volume, it is safe to assume that Luke was avidly lapping the both of us. The sound of deep whines, heavy moans, and high squeals occupied the bedroom. The coil in my belly was getting tighter and tighter, a telltale sign that I was once again rising close to the edge. I just needed a few more thrusts, a bit more pressure.

I barely noticed when Luke pulled away, but I did register the deep timbre of his voice saying, “Stop.”

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, not again. Spencer’s hips stuttered, but didn’t fully stop until Luke smacked and harshly gripped his thigh.

“Luke, please,” Spencer begged, as if he was a wounded animal. I also shared my displeasure at being stopped for the second time in a matter of minutes. All Luke did was chuckle at us, amused by our antics.

“Good things come to those who wait,” was all he said as he stood up.

He instructed Spencer to sit up and lean his back against the headboard while I go on all fours facing him. We quickly followed suit, hoping to finally get some kind of release.

“Good, now cariña, I want you to be nice and let Spencer use your mouth.”

He didn’t have to say more. I happily open my mouth to allow him entry. The mixed taste of the both of us further invigorated me to take him deeper in my mouth.

“You can touch.” I heard Luke say to which Spencer eagerly accepted. He held strands of my hair in his large hands, but did nothing else. I glance up to see his face scrunched up in pleasure, mouth open while his head leaned back on the headboards. I loved looking at him like that, it was arousing and encouraging. I moved my head up, leaving just the tip in my mouth. I swirled my tongue around him and sucked a bit harder, relishing the way he tightened his grip on my hair.

I felt the bed dip as Luke got on it again. I knew he was behind me, feeling the heat he emitted on my skin. He rubbed two fingers against my already slippery folds, spreading the slick everywhere. I heard him sigh before once again placing his hands on my hips, the blunt head of his cock thumped against my clit. I raised my hips higher, presenting myself as an offering for his pleasure.

Luke entered me slowly, lazily, taking his time so that I could feel every inch of him inside me. I moaned and gurgled around the cock still in my mouth. Spencer’s hands yanked me off him as he took deep breaths. His eyes kept darting between Luke and me, pleading for someone to allow him to do something.

“Go ahead babe, you’ve been so good for me,” Luke praised.

Spencer looked at my face, silently asking permission. I nodded my head, opening my mouth again for him. Still being the soft sweet boy for the night, he gently entered my mouth, lightly moving my head up and down.

Luke started quickening his pace, smacking his hips against mine. His balls would slap my clit the harder he thrust in me. The contrast between the rough and hard from behind with the soft and gentle from the front had my mind spiraling.

“You like this don’t you,” Luke growled out, hunching his form so that his chest was pressed against my back, his words being hissed at my ear. “You like being filled up at both ends.”

All I could do was moan as they both used me. I maneuvered one hand to massage Spencer’s balls, sucking harder with every up stroke. The extra stimulation was just enough for him to cry out and release himself. He came like a freight train, heavy and fast and all too much all at once. I couldn’t hold it all in my mouth and Spencer slipped out of me with the leftover fluid landing on his lower stomach.

“It’s your turn now cariña,” Luke moaned. He hitched one of my legs up and the new angle had me seeing stars. I couldn’t hold in the cries and shrieks no matter how much I wanted to. I was wailing as I finally, finally, was given release. My arms were too weak to hold me up so I had my face pressed down on the sheets beneath me.

Luke continued to pound harder and faster inside of me, chasing after his own release. His grip on my hips got harder, his nails digging into my skin, as his pace stuttered to an uneven pace. A few more thrusts and he had my hips pressed against his as I felt him spasm inside of me while I continued to contract around him.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before he pulled out and went to the bathroom. I was still trying to catch my breath while Spencer was in a nearly comatose state. Luke returned with wipes in his hand as he cleaned the both of us from the sticky mess we made. He led me to the bathroom to relieve myself while giving Spencer some water. He also helped us put our pajamas on. Soon we were all cuddled up in bed, holding on to each other with happy, sleepy smiles gracing our faces.

“I love you guys,” I said, snuggling impossibly closer to them. Spencer giggled at my antics, his long limps wrapped around the both of us before drowsily mumbling he loves us too. We waited, peeking one eye open to see if Luke would say it back.

“I love you guys too, even if you’re both a couple of brats.”

We laughed with him, because we all know that he loved our bratty sides the most. I drifted to sleep, in the comfortable embrace of the men I love most in the world.

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thesunshinebunny · 3 years ago

Text

When the world falls apart, the only thing we can hold onto is ourselves (Part VII)

Series Master list

pairing: canon Eren Jaeger x reader

content: Angst, unstable relationship, breakup, smut/nswf+18, major character death, violence, blood (obviously), war (pretty obvious)

summary: War and hate. It’s what defined the world at this exact moment. You failed your comrades, and by failing them, you failed yourself. Your relationship is hanging by a thread and your enemies will not only be found on the other side of the sea, but also in the mind of the person you love the most. How will you take the reins in the face of so much destruction?

Chapter summary: Sometimes, to understand the present, it’s necessary to pay a visit to the past. While reader is in a deep sleep, their unconscious plays a trick on them by reminding the most important and catastrophic moments in their life.

Word Count: 9.1K

Year 847, a very hot and humid day.

First day of training in the 104° squad. Each of the hundreds of soldiers coming into the slaughterhouse gathered in lines, lined up, waiting for our first orders. Announcement of names and locations. Some serious who didn’t need an introduction, other clowns who didn’t take the training seriously. Instead, I...was waiting with an empty view towards the horizon, not seeing anything or anyone in particular.

First day, call and presentation; some came from cities, some from towns, but none from a filthy wealthy family of nobility, much less royalty. Most of us simple villagers, presented on a silver platter for the aristocracy, entering our graves on our own. Each one would have their reasons, some simpler than others, some more hypocritical than others, and others more selfish than all of us here.

First day, and there were already a couple on the ground and others being severely punished. Like the tall girl with a ponytail who had the brilliant idea to not only steal, but also cook a potato before training and eat it in the middle of line formation. A village girl, a hunter and faithful to her principles and culture; a girl who wasn’t ashamed to show her true colors on the first day, even if it gave her a punishment that would end up lasting for hours, until nightfall. An incredible example for the most stupid, but equally for the bravest. I think it was hearing where did she coming from that something inside me arose like a flower in the middle of spring, or maybe it was hearing her resound every minute around the training ground until the moon rose. I’m not very clear about it. Maybe I wanted to be nice to someone after a long time, and what better way to start with a person who was humiliated on the first day of what would be our next life.

I wasn’t quick enough to bring her something to eat when her punishment ended, a certain very short blonde beat me beforehand, but I was quick to save her a seat next to me the next night, while saving her a portion of bread. I assumed she would like it, and I wasn’t wrong. She devoured every last crumb along with her ration of dubiously sourced food on a metal plate. Hearing her eat with such enthusiasm brought a smile to my face, it reminded me of the little tadpole children who came and went in my town, asking for a piece of bread or an apple, even knowing that they had food at home. Those playful children who wandered through the small market, looking for some candy and returning disappointed at their doors when they hadn’t found any.

"I didn't hear yesterday where you came from"

Sasha, I think that's the name of the girl in front of me. Apparently she was talking when my mind wandered with nostalgia and melancholy. Her eyes were very fixed on mine, and as much as I looked away, I could still feel them penetrating my skull. I guess you can't dodge the past for long, right? At the very least, I tried to be as cautious as possible when giving my answer.

"I come from a village northeast of the wall Maria, far enough away from the wall to be warned of the fall before a titan reached our town"

She played with the poorly made metal spoon on a piece of carrot that came out of the poor soup, already cold, that this place delighted us for the second night in a row. I made me a mental note to go out hunting every now and then if I wanted to have a good meal and not end up anorexic and a failure.

“And what do you do in your village? In mine we are dedicated to hunting, but they’re taking away the land for the cattle” She took a huge bite of his bread, showing how angry she was. I couldn’t blame her, taking the land out of a hunting village was like taking away their essence, a part of their soul.

"We’re dedicated to raising horses and handicrafts" From our town came the fastest horses that the military police could ask for, some of them stayed for the field and keep the children busy.

Beautiful horses dedicated to the gambling of the nobility, others common for the plowing of the agricultural peoples. Horses dedicated to the race for the survey corps; what the government needed, we provided. It would be hypocritical of me to say now that the horse was my least favorite animal. It was not. For me they were the most beautiful, faithful and loyal creatures in this whole little world. My favorite animal without a doubt.

I wanted to talk about the various horses we managed to sell at a high price to the most authoritarian court on the Rose wall, but a noise from behind our table made my jaw drop.

A "Tsk" echoed throughout the dining room.

I turned my head, hoping to find an animal, or anything but a human like us. To my misfortune, I met the withering look of a brunette with bright green eyes, just as bright as those of the forest, and his hand holding the spoon tightly, as if my simple face angered him.

"Do you have a problem, Jaeger?" I remembered him from yesterday. Serious, tall, with a look that could kill you at any moment. Decisive and lethal. At the same time conceited and childish. He had won the ears and admiration of the majority here with well-used words and a touch of drama.

"Yes, I have a problem" his hand let the spoon escape on the plate, causing some drops to fly in all directions "I have a problem with people like you"

He got up from his seat, walking slowly but steadily toward my table, planting himself in front of me. The lap dog as a friend of his following behind him with a decomposed face, one hand half raised, perhaps to stop him if necessary. But let's face it, of the two, Eren was the one with the most strength, it was obvious to the naked eye.

"And what is that due to? Or do you wait for me to get into your little head and find some clue that can help me understand the cockroach you have for a brain?" At no time did I get up, I wasn’t going to lower myself to the same situation as him.

Half of my body had my back to him, so I was looking at him over the shoulder. He may not have liked that, ‘cause he immediately grabbed my shoulder and turned me around, waiting for me to look him in the eye.

"People like you, who come from villages far from the cities, who don’t know the real danger, are a problem" He looked so angry, angry with the world perhaps? I couldn't find an answer to that anger, nor the source of his feelings. But what I did know, was that he wasn't going to let me be trampled on by a fool who knew the world simply by seeing a titan within his short life.

"Excuse me, but you realize that many here come from villages far from the big cities and only very few saw a titan with their own eyes" And it was those same people who began to get up and look at him with bad eyes. The same ones who looked at him with wonder, as if he were an angel fallen from heaven to bring them the news of the world.

I fervently removed his hand from my shoulder and deigned to stand up, trying to gain some ground in this pathetic discussion. I wasn't going to raise my voice like I assumed the boy in front of me was going to do it at any moment, so my body did it instead.

"I don't understand what your complaints are about, but please, oh great Eren, the one who saw a titan bigger than the wall, explain to me" I could notice how his other friend was approaching towards his back, looking at me with caution. Now, of the group of three, with her I had to be the most careful.

"Are you making fun of me?" he took a dangerous step towards me.

“’course not” ‘Course yes, but I wasn't going to say it openly.

"People who don’t see the enemy in the face think they can come out of the walls to face it" did my ears hear that correctly? I looked at him as if a third eye had popped out on his forehead.

"Not having seen a titan in my short life doesn’t mean that I cannot go out to fight them"

"And yet you have no fucking idea what you're up against" the conversation was getting more and more heated, his feet were getting closer to mine and I could lightly feel his breath on my skin.

"That doesn't mean you can come and mistreat me" I instantly threw myself back, but ran into the legs of the table. Sasha's hand rested on my shoulder, unable to encourage me with words, but enough emotionally.

"Fucking villagers" he took a step back, turning on his heel and looking, without seeing, or so it seemed, the crowd around him "you don't know what it’s to see a relative of yours being eaten in front of your eyes!"

Ah, that's where so much hatred for the world came from. But I wasn’t his target. He must express his emotions, his anger, towards a common enemy, not towards a comrade who was going to help him in battle. Taking it with me wasn’t going to help him at all, and the fact I was from a small village didn’t mean I was naive and deserved the anger of the citizens. "I'm sorry that happened to you-"

"My mom was eaten in front of my eyes!"

"I'm sorry that happened to your mom! And I'm very sorry that you had to see it with your own eyes, but taking it out on me is not going to help you ”I pushed him back with my words, unfortunately they were not enough to stop his viper tongue.

"You can't know what it feels like to lose your mother like that" he turned his back on me, and before turning to his blond friend, he turned his head over his shoulder, looking at me again with contempt. "Go back to your village with your mommy and cries on her lap for being incapable of shit"

His comment blew me away.

He had left my mind blank and the only thing I managed to do was throw myself back, and sit down heavily on the hard wooden bench. My eyes stared into nothingness, unable to observe the multitude of eyes that settled on me with sadness, some with regret and support. Sasha sat down next to me on the left, while on the right a figure that I didn’t recognize crouched down to look me in the face. All I could make out of him, or her, were those big round blue eyes. A blue that reminded me of the rivers that flowed gracefully near my town. The same water that landed on a larger lake or river, and… perhaps, on the same sea.

"Hey, Eren-" I heard someone yell. From the tone of their voice I thought I distinguish Jean's annoyance.

I didn't have a second to reflect on what I was doing and before I could blink, a plate full of food was flying in the direction of the two boys, impacting on the wooden wall and scattering the pieces of vegetables on the floor and the people who unfortunately was close.

The two boys turned to see where the plate had come from, finding my hand half raised and smeared on the thumb of the cold soup. My body was euphoric, my breath hitched and my chest rose and fell quickly.

"You ... you don't know shit about me, or my family, or my people" I started slowly what would be the best speech I would have given in my 13 years, a speech that would bring me problems, as well as friends. “I’m so sorry about your mother, but in the same way, she was devoured by an enemy of which we still do not know exactly"

I came around the table and approached the brunette, meeting his friend halfway through. Without stopping, I hit her shoulder with mine, pushing my way over her.

"While mine was shot by the people who had to protect her" now my body was a few inches from him, taking Jean away from his side "my mother was killed for the simple fact of wanting to see the sea"

His blond friend, who hadn't been separated from him at any time, widened his eyes, even more than the person who bent down to comfort me. His eyes stared at me in amazement before turning to understanding and sadness.

"Judging by your friend's expression, he understand what I'm talking about" There was little space for me to move calmly, so I chose to get closer and closer to Eren, keeping my face a few inches from his. Even with the slight difference in height, I could manage to have an aura of warning and seriousness.

I raised my hand to his forehead slowly, preventing the girl from earlier from pouncing on me thinking I was going to hit him.

"The military police took her out of my house, placed her to the center of the village and with a pistol in the middle of her forehead" I closed my hand except for two fingers, simulating the muzzle of the rifle, and placed them in the same place as they did it with my mother "they shot her in front of her little child"

I detached my fingers from his forehead and with a "bang" I simulated the same shot that, to this day, continues to haunt me in dreams, after 6 years. My eyes observed his expression, the color had disappeared from his face, he was so pale that it seemed he was going to faint at any moment. There was no longer a trace of his anger towards me or towards the titans; An immature child had been left in front of me, from whom they had taken food for not knowing how to appreciate it.

I walked away carefully, noticing the trembling in my body, in my legs, and took small steps towards the door, leaving everyone who wanted to give me their condolences and emotional support behind.

"You are lucky that your mother was eaten by a spice stranger to her, mine didn’t have the same fate"

*** Weeks passed from that terrible night. The golden trio hadn't deigned to approach me, and for my part I longed for it to stay that way for the next three years. I didn't want people like Eren or his friends to get involved with me, I preferred the company of people like Sasha and Marco, Jean and Connie, as empty-headed as they were. I preferred to spend my free afternoons practicing archery, preventing some stupid from passing through the shooting range or next to the bullseye from getting a head shot.

"Here, I fixed your glove, now you are supposed to be able to put your thumb in without it opening" Marco had his hand extended, grabbing a leather glove, which I’d found in the storage bag of the training set.

The leaders had been very understanding when explaining the training I wanted to follow as free time. Although no faction was going to need a bow and arrow for sure, due to its inefficiency, I had given my point of view that it would end up being useful if an expedition needed more days than predicted and more food and provisions were needed, a bow was going to be of great help when hunting.

"Thanks Marco, you are an angel in this place" I proceeded to put on the worn glove and test its elasticity with the arrow and the bowstring.

"See you at night" and with that, the freckled man marked himself towards the canteen, greeting Jean in the distance who was waiting for him at the door.

The shooting area was not far from the entire training ground, close enough to observe everyone who came and went on the field, everyone who wandered without any direction or aim, and everyone who wanted to train. As well as being close enough to the training area with the movement equipment, equipment that was being used a lot recently by many colleagues in need of balance. One of them turning out to be the annoying brunette with bright green eyes, who was walking very dangerously with his friends on the target at the time I was about to release the arrow.

The small deadly weapon shot out and ended up hitting the red dot in the middle, grazing Eren's neck. He put a hand on his skin and when he saw the arrow stuck on the straw object he turned to look at me angrily.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? That almost hit me in the neck "

"If you saw where you walking you would realize you’re in the shooting zone, if an arrow hits you it’s not my fault" I yelled at him from a distance, preparing a new arrow to launch.

When I saw him take a couple of steps towards me, I stretched the arrow back as a warning, I wasn’t going to laid on a rose’s field while he went back to being a fucking asshole. Armin, I knew his name in these weeks when listening to a conversation he’d with another person, he grabbed his arm while Mikasa put herself as a shield. They both took him away from the target and I was able to shoot the arrow without taking my eyes off them.

I followed them until they positioned themselves on one of the balancing machines, helping Eren onto the equipment. I was about to accommodate a third arrow when I heard a scream coming from his direction. My head spun at the same speed an owl would, given countless hours of practice in the woods, and I watched the last second of Eren's fall, watching in broad daylight as his head hit the stone floor. The blow could be heard from a distance, even where I was located I could hear it as if it’s next to me.

Seeing him lying swaying on the floor, half hanging from the equipment made me burst out laughing. I couldn't stop the laughter from coming out of my mouth seeing him in such bad shape. He was going to have a safe bump and maybe some neurons would end up rearranged. My laughter didn’t go unnoticed, the commander Sheith passed on his way to the shooting area and stood in front of me, looking at me with that serious, expressionless gaze.

"Cadet (Y/S)!" I settled myself as best I could, putting the bow to one side and the arrow on the back sleeve before standing firmly "help young Jaeger heal his wound"

I was puzzled and my face reflected it.

"But, sir, why me?" I begged with my words to let me go, or at least give me a couple of hours of punishment, whatever it was before starting a conversation with that selfish man, much less heal his wound.

"Are you arguing with me, cadet?"

Every movement or prayer that I could make to try to accomplish my task vanished like a leaf in the wind. I lowered my head, avoiding his frivolous gaze and waited for him to leave, snorting. I reluctantly put down the bow and arrow sleeve next to a target and headed towards the three of them, Armin and Mikasa were trying to lift Eren off the floor as they took the equipment off his hips.

"Come on, I have to heal your wound" I didn’t stop to greet them, or to explain the situation. In the same way that I approached, I went towards the canteen, without looking back.

On the short drive I overheard Armin asking about my rare kindness, to which I replied dryly that if it weren't for the commander, I'd be breaking my asshole on the floor by laughing. We walked and walked, me in front and the other two physically stable, keeping the dark-haired boy as best they could, lifting his head so that he wouldn't hit himself again. Upon reaching the canteen stairs I yelled "Sasha, I need a bucket of cold water and a washcloth!"

I opened the door for them and pointed to a table near the kitchen door so they could seat Eren. I warned them to keep his head steady, to keep him from going forward or backward, and to keep him awake at all times.

"I didn't know you knew so much about medicine" Armin pointed out when Sasha came out with the bucket of water and a cloth floating in it.

I let out a slight "hmm" before positioning myself behind Eren, squeezing the hands of the other two and allowing them to let me do my job. I ran his hair back, trying to locate the wound and notice any cuts. Finding none, I proceeded to feel the area, finding the slight bump on the upper side of the forehead. I down the cloth in the cold water, letting it soak, and placed it on his head. The water was so, so cold, it had even made me shivered, but for some reason, Eren didn't seem to be fazed at all.

I didn’t give it much importance and I passed the cloth over the bump, waiting a few seconds for it to deflate a little before going through the sides, preventing the area from becoming inflamed as well. I soaked the cloth again and laid it on the side of his forehead, indicating to Armin to press down and not move his hand while I looked for a handkerchief or some bandage to cover the blow. In the same way, I explained to Mikasa to keep watching Eren, to talk to him, even if he wasn't waiting for an answer, to keep him awake for fear of having an accident in his brain.

I found what looked like a used bandage, quite disgusting for my taste, but I wasn’t going to take much longer of my time for "patient" who didn’t deserve my treatises. I stretched the bandage as far as I could over his head, giving it two full turns before pinning it around the back of his head.

"Try to find a better bandage for the blow" I washed my hands with cold water, hoping to get rid of all the irritation the situation had caused.

"Thank you" Armin sounded really grateful, with a hint of ... sympathy perhaps? With my hands clean, I grabbed the bucket and started to put it back in the kitchen when the blonde asked me again "where did you learn all this?"

I sighed not once, but twice, the kitchen door was open and I was about to enter when I threw a look over my shoulder "everything I know, I learned from my mother's books"

And with that I closed the door behind me a second time to the golden trio.

***

Year 850, a beautiful spring night.

The night before our graduation. A hectic night. Between the well-deserved nutritious food, meat and bread that we have longed for the past three years, and the shouts of encouragement for each of us who were present that night, a great party was put together. Many people defected and others didn’t have the ability to move on. Many were frustrated when they fell short of the top ten, fearing they would be sent to the survey corps, others claimingthey had contacts in the military police and had an assured position. Others fought for their point of view before such faction; and with others I mean the same suicidal brunette. Eren, finishing 5th out of the top ten, undoubtedly deigned to throw me in my face.

"Three years and I'm still better than you, your little village tactics were useless" he smiled wickedly and his eyes showed that characteristic glow when he won a fight. Although there wasn’t a fight here, therefore, there was nothing to be gained.

"Congratulations Eren" I turned around without waiting for an answer and walked briskly towards Marco and Jean, they were both heading towards the boys cabin and I followed them to the entrance, leaving a fuzzy Eren behind.

Now, tonight, with the years of training in the past, it was time to rest, have a night of peace before the real deal began. I never thought it would arrive the next morning.

From my position, far from the main entrance to the Trost district, a thunder crashed into the ground, followed by hot smoke covering our feet. The famous colossal titan stood imposing on the side of the wall, watching my companions who were a few meters from him. From where I was standing, I could see his arm rise and run the guns and the others, burning and blinding them with its smoke.

An calvary that started very early and had no intention of ending soon. Death and dismemberment in every corner, blood flying through the air, comrades being eaten. At each step we take, each turn a building took to dodge a Titan or go after one to kill it, a comrade fell in battle; with each step I took, it was one step closer to my own death. But, call it a miracle, call it divine grace, or simple luck, I managed to reach a roof of one of the many houses destroyed by the attack. From the roof, I could see the disaster more clearly, and I could examine my own disaster with great concern.

The pants were torn in the knee area, the tips of my boots brushed my bare skin and apparently bruised from some friction. I had a blood stain in the abdomen area, apparently from a person who was eaten near me and I didn’t have the dignity to see it. I didn’t have the strength or the courage to unbutton my shirt to see the disaster that surely my body had taken in the hours we were surviving in the city. I had enough of the bruises and cuts on my hands and cheeks thanks to some small rocks flying through the air from the impacts; I didn't need to see if my ribs were in place.

In the distance, perhaps three, four houses in from where I was, were a few comrades sitting on the rooftops of another house. It seemed a few had survived and came together to rest, there weren't many titans in sight and the few there were were wandering around without looking around. Those idiots gave me the chance to jump houses, without looking down. If I looked down I would’ve see the cobblestone streets stained red, I would’ve see limbs scattered right and left. I had a goal in mind and I wasn’t going to lose focus on the death around us.

I landed on the fireplace, hitting both knees when landing, I was running out of gas and it showed. The movement wasn’t being so fluid anymore. I scrambled down the stone wall of the fireplace, landing right next to Armin. My movement gear hit his, jerking my hips and torso on impact, nearly knocking me off the roof. Armin didn't flinch, he was just looking at the tiles, but given his expression, I think he wasn't looking at anything at all. He was just preparing to stare and lose himself in the terrors of his mind.

"Armin, what happened? Ar you alright?" stupid questions. Obviously he wasn’t alright, it was reflected in his empty and dark eyes, but my mind couldn’t process correctly.

It was in automatic mode, only thinking about survival, not the correct questions for each of those who were spread out on two rooftops. Of the many who had graduated, we were reduced to two dozen, maybe a little more without counting those who were in that huge building with the gas parts. Others may have taken refuge in a house, waiting for the right moment to move and reach us. But there was little hope, even if I didn’t say it out loud, unconsciously I knew there wasn’t much to do with the people who were not among us, because after all that was exactly what was happening ... they were not with us, they weren’t in the land of the living.

How pessimistic my thinking, right? I wasn’t wrong at all.

"Armin, where is Eren?" want to know the worst?, I already knew the answer before Armin could lift his head and scream the terrible news with his lungs.

In the end, the boy who so wanted to fight the world, succumbed to the terrors of him.

But what had impacted the most was that, minutes after hearing that news, minutes after arriving at the building for gas supplements and saving the comrades who had barricaded themselves, minutes after being saved by that fighting titan, we saw the same Eren, the same brunet with bright green eyes, appear. Alive.

The surprise we all get when we see him emerge from the nape of that eccentric titan. He was fine, his skin pink and hot from the smoke of the decaying body from his titan. His titan? There was no time to understand the situation. If that, how to understand it? We saw him resurface, like a phoenix, among the ashes of a dying body, fully alive. He had all of his limbs, even the ones that had been eaten; I could see the limits of his pants and the sleeve of his shirt torn, with perfect and huge bite marks.

I stood to the side watching the scene, Armin and Mikasa crying uncontrollably when they saw his heart beat. Scientifically and medically that was impossible. Technically speaking, nothing we were witnessing was possible; And yet there was the suicidal bastard, breathing normally. His eyes closed, his lashes drooping over his lids and his hands being held by his childhood friends. Jean couldn't believe the scene before his eyes, even the other trio was hesitant to say anything, with serious faces and completely stiff eyes at Eren. Each and every one of the reactions present entered what would be a normal reaction, missing one who wanted to kill him immediately.

And I think I rushed a couple of minutes.

***

Days after the expedition to the giant tree forest.

With Annie crystallized and guarded underground, a bit of tranquility arose within the walls; a calm that only attributed to the survey corps. Citizens panicked, not understanding, not comprehending even ten percent of what the latest information was being advertised in newspapers and billboards. The general did everything possible to give us time to resupply and rest from such a hard fight. The patrol had been divided in two, and I had remained as Jean's auxiliary escort, the poor man wanted to vomit all the trip when he had to suffer the terrible order of disguising himself as Eren.

And when the time for action came, we were both prepared to assist Eren in his titan form. I wasn’t still used to seeing him at a height of more than 15 meters, but his characteristics were still there: eyes, now huge, green and shiny, as if that shine never went away, no matter how violent or dark the situation turned upside down, and his dark haired, he looked silkier and smoother in this way that the originally he modeled.

Now we where here, Armin, Mikasa, Jean and I watching him and examining his vital signs. He had fallen into a coma for the second time. I couldn't blame him, I guess controlling a titan of that caliber used up a lot of physical energy, let alone the psychological, but to be honest… mental health had already leaked out the window.Each of us were standing in a corner of the room, sometimes Armin wandered between the door and the window, sitting close to his friend on the bed when he couldn't take it anymore from the anguish. Mikasa always sat next to him, holding his hand at all times, faithfully waiting for him to open his eyes. For my part, I was watching the sun set outside the window, as the sunset gave us its warm rays and prepared us for the cold night.

Every once in a while, whenever I heard a snort or movement coming from the bed, I would turn my head and come closer to feel his breathing. He was stable, and showed no signs of any disturbance. He was completely healthy, except that he was absolutely tired. Like all of us.

There was a couple of knocks on the door, pulling all of us out of trance. Jean and Armin were being needed to give testimony in front a small assembly, before the leaders continued speaking with Commander Erwin.

Silence reigned in the room. Mikasa was still willing to maintain her position in the chair, even if the sleep weakened her with each passing minute. I could see how her eyes were closing and her head fell from fatigue, it was obvious that she needed some rest. I put my hand on her shoulder, pulling the scarf out of her hands and trying to lift her up at the same time.

"Come on, you're very tired, you must get some sleep" I led her to a sofa that was doubtfully placed on the other side of the room. Normally our rooms were only furnished with a couple of beds, a desk and a closet, ah... and a paltry window. We couldn't bother with expensive decorations or furniture like a sofa. Above all, when we didn’t receive a decent salary.

"But Eren ..." I laid her on the few cushions, not very comfortable, brown and beige, that matched the small room. When her head touched the doubtful softness of the pillows her eyes closed completely and her breathing became calm, it was a matter of seconds before she fell completely asleep.

"I'm going to take care of him, you rest" I adjusted her hair before noticing she had entered the realm of dreams. Apparently my words were enough to give her that peace of mind to go to sleep.

I knelt to remove her boots and set her feet on the lap of the sofa. Notice her legs stained with dirt, I'd bet she'd have a couple of bruises around her knees and ankles, maybe even her feet. My body was moving heavily as I searched for a blanket among the few scraps of cloth lying in the closet. In the end, I ended up finding one a bit small for her body, but it perfectly covered her torso and stomach, that way she wouldn't take cold while she was in her defenseless state.

I wanted to look out the window again, but there was nothing to observe that I hadn’t seen before, a sad and dull orange sky. I settled into the chair, feeling that I was usurping Mikasa's place for some strange reason, and I kept analyzing the young man lying on the bed. His hair was matted and a bit dirty, a shower every now and then wouldn't hurt, although he smelled conveniently well, like freshly cut wood or dry grass. A scent that, while I was destined to smell more than necessary thanks to the expeditions, I felt no discomfort smelling it on Eren. It fit him very well indeed. I might even get used to being around him if it meant smelling such a sweet scent.

Seconds that seemed like minutes, and minutes that seemed like hours. Time seemed to play against me and I felt like my body began to weigh me more and more, and more, until I fell forward and lay my face on the hard mattress and the soft fabric of the sheet. Second-rate cotton, if you would let me say so, but it did the job. It was comfortable, too comfortable, enough to let me rest for a moment and close my eyes, making time flow more quickly.

I felt a hand gently rest on my head, moving and caressing me with a tenderness I hadn't felt in years. I opened my eyes immediately expecting to find my father in front of my eyes, but instead, I spotted a still asleep Eren, scratching himself and trying to wipe the sleep out of his eyes.

I pulled his hand out of my head quickly, but without being rude, and laid them on the bed. I rubbed my eyes and gave him a half smile "Good morning sleeping beauty"

It took a few seconds for his eyes to get used to the little light that filtered through the window and when they opened they surveyed the entire room, still drowsy.

"Where is Mikasa? Armin? " he coughed after feeling a little hawking in his throat.

I stretched out on the chair, accommodating the bones of my back and immediately moved to the side, letting him see a sleeping Mikasa, comfortable and warm under a blanket. Eren inspected her, perhaps trying to find any signs of injury or complaints, but finding none he turned his gaze from her to me.

"Mikasa is asleep" I settled back on the chair, this time stretching forward a bit and resting my elbows on the bed, holding my head on my hands "Armin and Jean had to go to give their testimony for the paperwork"

Ere didn't say anything, he just nodded and gave me a brief "hmm" before looking out the window. "How do you feel?" was the last thing I said before the room fell silent again and neither he nor I deigned to say anything else.

Years of hating each other weren't going to go away, just like that. It was going to be a long road now that we were in a much worse mess than when we were 13 years old. But at least, we could talk to each other without the need to jump on each other's jugular, that's progress, right?

***

Why couldn't this bastard have a little sense of preserving of his life? Why wasn't he a little more careful, and since we are, a little more common sense? Why couldn't he stay calm for a few seconds, analyze the situation and act according to his surroundings?

Now we had to do a search party to find the damned "last hope of mankind". Galloping as fast as the horses would allow us, avoiding on all sides dozens of titans, even when one fell, five more came out. It was an order that had become more and more dangerous. And to make matters worse, having to be behind two of the most dangerous titans we could have encountered was a suicide mission and most of us knew it. We were giving it our all for an idiot, who I don't think he knew the value of the lives that were being lost in battle.

Sighted in the distance, ranks breaking and each one trying to survive while we tried to have enough time to rescue him from the armored titan, large numbers of soldiers were being eaten or crushed. You know the terror I had in my eyes to see Captain Erwin being bitten on the arm and dragged towards God knows where? If a great man like him could be defeated so easily in the blink of an eye, what was in store for us? What was in store for me?

I kept galloping, begging Phillip to keep going as fast as he could, that he never stop and be careful of everything in his path. I was so scared that I didn't know exactly to who I was saying it, the horse or myself. For sure, I knew the horse wouldn’t understand me perfectly, but he was the only thing that I could grab to at that moment, the only one that could save me.

Both left and right, titans ran everywhere, the boys had managed to reach the battleship while the others did what they could to give them time, seeing Ymir was also a sight worthy of admiration if it wasn’t because I was givind my life at this moment. And surely she was helping the blonde of "girlfriend" instead of us.

In that sway between giant bodies and tiny soldiers, the ground rumbled, the earth fell away, even trees fell at our feet. When trying to reach Mikasa before she fell, a titan came out of nowhere in front of me, trying to dodge it would be a feat, especially when he had his immense mouth pointing almost completely in my direction. I will never be able to thank the soldier who cut his neck, for seconds later to be grabbed by another titan and break his spine in such a grip. With the body decomposing and the other titan out of focus, I was able to move on, circling the smoking mass, ready to support Mikasa when another mass fell very close to me, causing the horse to jump from the force of the impact. In that second of distraction I turned my head to look at what had fallen, the ground began to crack under Phillip's legs and it only took a footfall from the armor titan to completely break apart and pieces of earth and stone came out, shotting everywhere.

As I turned my head back forward, I saw clearly how a stone flew directly towards my head. Call it reflections, call it having a guardian angel on my shoulders, but I was able to move my head in time, causing the stone to impact the gap between my shoulder and neck. I shot backward, hitting my head against the hard ground. I felt my shoulder dislocate and I noticed how by leaps and bounds the shirt, previously white, was staining with blood, as well as the jacket and the floor. My head was probably bleeding from the back as well, but the pain in my shoulder kept me from focusing on anything else. It was impossible to move it, I tried to scream for help, but my words stuck in my throat, and even if I had been able to scream, it would have been overshadowed by the hundreds more screams that were begging for help. The grass around me felt a bit comforting, like a cold hug in the last minutes of life. Body pain prevented me from reacting to the sight of a five-meter titan approaching where I was lying. Tears began to flow, falling down my cheeks; I wanted to scream, say my last goodbye, but I was so petrified that I just closed my eyes.

If I was going to die, I would rather die without seeing the horrible face of that damned titan. I preferred to have the image of my family in mind one last time. The ground began to rumble, I thought more titans were going to come for me, that I was going to be smashed into pieces, but the longer it took to feel the huge hand or a pair of teeth, I opened my eyes, finding myself, not a pack of hungry titans, but with the clear evening sky.

I raised my head and to my surprise, a bizarre surprise, all the titans that were chasing us at the time, were now going towards one of the highest. I couldn't understand what was happening, I looked around trying to find someone, to see if someone else was seeing the same thing as me. In the distance I found Armin holding a figure, I couldn't quite see who, trying to breathe normally and stand up. I tried calling out to him, but my vision started to blur and it made me dizzy from trying to lift my head even higher. I brought my hand to my head and confirmed the blood that flowed behind it, I was completely soaked in my own blood and at any moment I would end up fainting if I didn't treat my wounds.

The grinding of a horse brought me back to a state of consciousness, Phillip was back next to me and he lowered his head towards my good shoulder, pushing it up and lifting me little by little. Standing back on both feet, I leaned on his stomach and in an attempt to walk towards Armin I heard Eren's terrified scream in the distance.

Both he and Mikasa were looking at the scene without understanding anything at all, and what bothered me the most was that those stupid were still sitting on the ground, without any intention of moving. As I could, I got on the horse's lap, lying on my stomach, both arms hanging at the side, and I told him to run as fast as possible towards the two figures in the most dangerous area that could be at that moment.

"Stop looking and start moving!" I yelled at them a few feet away. They both turned their heads in my direction, wanting to say something, but only managed to gasp a few times before I arrived.

I grabbed the collar of Eren's shirt and with what little strength I had left, I lifted him off the ground "NO TIME TO TALK, LET'S GO"

Seeing Mikasa being picked up by Eren and placed on his back, I indicated to Phillip to leave the area, to try to get to safety, along with the other soldiers. At our side ran the couple of stupid who almost devoured, wondering what had happened. Their words sounded more and more distant and the ride put me in a calm trance until I was unconscious.

***

Year 851, a beautiful summer day to go horseback riding without the hassle of a titan in the area. At the same time, a beautiful day to visit the forgotten and destroyed towns.

We took our time, observing the landscape. Trees that had fallen and left their tracks on the ground and on the trunk were beginning to show traces of vegetation in their wood. The grass crushed by large feet was beginning to heal and new shoots were coming to the surface, some flower buds could also be seen. The few stone paths were smashed, small cobblestones were smashed, and there was no possibility of repair unless they were remade. Today was the day; the day it was my village's turn to be toured. We leave early to the northwest, guiding us along the river, me in the lead. The night before I hadn’t been able to sleep, to close an eye, I was nervous, very nervous, I couldn’t even eat anything for breakfast. After four years, I returned to my home, or what was left of it.

Endless nights I dreamed of returning to my small village, touring the oldest houses and greeting its inhabitants, seeing the children run, now older, and helping them take an apple from the market. I dreamed of reassembling one of our horses, of stroking and caressing them, earning me one, perhaps two licks to the face. But what I most dreamed of was to see my father's face again, to see his eyes full of dark circles and sadness at having lost his wife, the woman he loved the most in the whole world; I wanted to hold hid hands again, see them splintered after carving a piece of wood and turning it into a beautiful work of art. I wanted to lie down by the communal fire, hear stories from the elderly, shameful stories, and love stories. I wanted to be able to repeat my childhood years, to see my mother one last time, to be able to say goodbye properly.

I wished my village had been intact, but at the entrance my heart shattered. There were no standing houses in sight, all had sagging roofs, broken windows, and dried blood marks from years painting the walls.

I got off the horse looking at the damage and I was leading him forward by the mooring. Slowly, being careful not to trip over any stone, I entered the town more and more, seeing the withered flowers and their dried petals lying on the floor. Children's cloth toys, a odd wooden horse broken in half. Some walls were burned, others full of holes, the clothes hanging outside the houses torn into pieces, the stable reduced to nothing. The center, where the market normally took place, full of rubble and garbage, on the left a path of dried blood, on the right as well. I approached a stall that had not been completed, a fruit and vegetable stall, now reduced to nothingness itself. I picked up the chunk of splintered wood and found underneath what scared me the most. An arm.

I didn't know who it was exactly, the clothes were almost the same for everyone, but I assumed it was a man's; It was in the process of decomposition, pieces of meat were half detached. Beside him, a porcelain doll broken on its head, its brown curls discarded, and only dirt and fiber remained. I picked it up with both hands and kept walking in the direction… in which direction? I couldn’t tell. Only my body was on autopilot looking around me for a sign, the slightest hope that someone had survived. But one look at the stables from the beginning was the only thing that put my hopes in the trash: there were pieces of horses lying all over the ground. Not even our pride had survived. My feet stopped walking, dragging on the ground, and stopped in front of the house that saddened me the most. Mine.

Of all, this was the one in the best condition, part of the roof had fallen to the side, not on the house, and a hole led directly to the living room. The walls were completely burned, not from the destruction of a horde of titans, no. Those burns were from years before, produced by the military police. Seeing that wreck brought me the vile memory of the day of her execution. The people were scared, they implored not to kill her, but those brutes turned a deaf ear and executed her without mercy. My mother was a very dear woman to everyone and no one denied her dreams of leaving the walls, my father loved her more than anyone ... but that love of his was not enough to save her.

"(Y / N)?" I heard Eren's voice behind me.

His voice echoed in my ears, but I couldn't fully register it, I was just looking straight ahead, towards the hole in my house, looking from the outside for fear of entering. "These were the borders of my life"

I took a step forward, then another, and then another, until I collided with the first stones of the house. From that place I could see how the fire from a small oil lamp had fallen on the floor and burned part of my father's favorite armchair. I took another step, fully entering what was left of my old home. I ran my hand over the dry, scratchy fabric, dust had collected over the weeks, maybe years. Given how advanced the bloodstains were, I couldn't exactly calculate the time that had elapsed. In front of the chair was still a small desk full of sheets, most of them ruined by rubble, but some survived. Some of these had broken tips, other were left with black spots, and others were flawless, as if they had been made yesterday. Beautiful drawings of people, others of nature, others of birds or city buildings.

I kept looking for more sheets, running those that were hopelessly damaged, and under my foot I came across a paper somewhat harder and thicker than the others, even framed. The glass was broken but it revealed perfectly a small family, a man, his wife and their child. "In this dusty and destroy little house, where an artist love his wife"

I took the drawing with me, holding it tight with both hands, until I reached the only standing door in the house. The door leading to the master bedroom. I stood there for a couple of seconds, wondering if it was right for my sanity, if it was right for my conscience to open it up and find whatever was on the other side. I inhaled and exhaled a couple of times before sliding the door open. Next to the bed, on the side where my mother used to sleep, was my father's top. I wasn't brave enough to turn around and see his face. I closed my eyes when I saw the scene and left what was left of the facade with my head lowered. "The house of my childhood is gone"

***

A couple of days after hitting the ocean.

We had settled next to the shore. Jean, Sasha and Connie were playing with the small waves that were breaking in the sand, Armin was inspecting small seashells and Mikasa was dedicated to dipping her feet in the cold water. We had made a small fire to cover ourselves from the cold of the coming night. Eren and I were in front of that same fire. He watched as the small sparks flew over the small sea of flames until they exploded and died in the blink of an eye. Some fell into the sand before exploding, others continued to rise until they rose higher and became part of the beginning of the starry sky.

My feet were barefoot in the sand, letting the little grains get between my toes and tickle every time I twisted them. I dropped my head on Eren's shoulder, giving me the chance to close my eyes and reopen them after a few seconds, admiring the sea towards the horizon.

After so many calamities, after so many deaths and losses, a moment of quiet was more than necessary. Maybe being this close to the bright green-eyed brunette wasn't so bad after all.

I could get used to this.

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linkspooky · 4 years ago

Text

Dabi the Villain, Touya the Victim

That no.1 title you’ve always wanted is a lot of pressure, huh? Has your heart been purified with all the praise you’ve received from the public? Does your newfound vigor as a father figure to your children, make you feel like you’re developing a ‘familial bond’ with them? You seriously thought if you could keep your eyes towards the future the past would forget itself would you? It’s time for someone to give you a life lesson - (RHA SCANS).

The past doesn’t forget. Dabi doesn’t forget. Scars may fade with time but Dabi’s won’t, they’ll only get worse and worse as he continues to burn himself using his quirk. Dabi arrives at literally the single worst time possible, to throw salt in old wounds, and stick his fingers in them for good measure. It’s clear, Dabi’s revenge is just going to make things worse for everyone, including his family, including Shoto.

However that begs the question, if not now, then when? This was always going to happen. I don’t mean ‘abusive families have to air their dirty laundry in live television’ I mean, there was always going to be some consequence to what Endeavor did to his family. Dabi is a monster, yes, but in-story he’s a monster of Endeavor’s creation. Dabi wouldn’t even exist without Endeavor’s direct actions. He’s a reflection of every bad thing Endeavor has done up until this point and everything he needs to face. The number one hero created the number one worst villain.

1. The Shadow

Dabi is more than just a murderer, he’s also a jungian archetype. The shadow is a jungian idea that states on the whole we are not as good as we think we are. In fact, we actually might be much worse.

The shadow is either an unconscious aspect of the personality that the conscious ego does not identify in itself; or the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the unknown side.

To put it into simple terms how we perceive ourselves, what we are aware of the light, is the conscious mind.

Everything else, everything we’re unaware of, what we’re ignoring, how we might come off to others, the unintended consequences of our actions is the shadow we cast. This isn’t something I”m making up it’s directly referenced in story.

The approach of the villains have multiple times been compared to shadows stretching and growing deeper, this is Jungian symbolism.

The emperor of Fallen Light, the villain that Dabi himself sent after Endeavor said word for word “His shining Light beckons the dark.” This is a story idea that’s been set up for awhile, Endeavor’s light is a false light. He is a good hero, the best there is currently, but calling him a hero requires ignoring everything he has done to his family. Most of the people who call Endeavor a hero have no idea what he did to his family, and even most of his family is just trying to forget and move on with their lives.

Endeavor’s redemption so far has been a false one, it hinges on everybody else wanting to just move on with their lives, and everyone else being forgiving towards his actions. I’m not saying that Endeavor’s wish to atone isn’t genuine, I’m saying the story has been setting up an arc of false light. We are shown the light of his actions, his desire to redeem himself, his desire to be a hero that Shoto can look up to, and we ignore the shadow.

There’s a duality to Endeavor. Technically there’s a duality to everyone. There’s the light, and the dark. To put it in less abstract terms, even within good intentions there can be hidden bad intentions. A person who gives to charity might just be doing it to make themselves feel like they’re a good person. There’s even an episode of friends about this, Phoebe gets in an argument with somebody that even “charitable” deeds like giving awaay money can be a little selfish because helping others makes you feel good about yourself, so she tries the whole episode to find a truly selfless action.

There’s a duality to Endeavor, there are two Endeavors, Endeavor the hero, and Endeavor the bad dad. They are both Endeavor in the end, he is all of his good actions and bad actions. Focusing only on his bad actions, or only on his good actions would be an incorrect reading of his character.

What I’m saying is, this idea has been building up in the story for a long time. This duality in Endeavro’s character. He is a hero capable of villainous things. However, the public, Endeavor’s own family, and characters like Midoriya and All Might only really ever see the good side to Endeavor’s actions. They all look at the light, at Endeavor the hero.

For the most part Endeavor has not been confronted by consequences for his actions. Yes, Endeavor tries to listen when Natsuo expresses his hurt feelins. Yes, Endeavor realizes his family might want to live without him in the house. However, as opposed to Dabi who has been hated as a villain by all of society for the crimes he has committed, Endeavor is still getting the hero treatment. The worst Endeavor has to come against is his own children’s hurt feelings at his actions. Even then, Natsuo has somebody like Fuyumi constantly pushing him to try to reconcile with his father. He has Endeavor violating his boundaries, and hugging him. Rather than criticizing Endeavor for what he did, most of the criticism falls on Natsuo for not moving on. Like, what Endeavor did is just something that happened in the past that they all have to move on from. He still has the respect of his peers, he still has his position in society, he still has the title of Number One Hero.

This happens because everybody looks at Endeavor, and they’re all blinded by the light, they only see his good deeds and not his bad ones. This isn’t a post debating whether or not Endeavor earned or deserves his punishment, or whether require punishment, it’s just an argument that there are consequences to your actions. That’s Dabi. He’s consequences. Everyone around Endeavor has been repressing their feelings. The Todorokis are asked to repress their personal hurt over the past for the sake of moving forward.

Dabi is the shadow that Endeavor casts. There is a villain in Endeavor’s actions. As long as Endeavor ignores that, as long as he keeps seeing himself in only a heroic life, that villain is only going to manifest elsewhere. In a story, repression does not work, simply ignoring your problems does not work. If a character ignores their shadow that shadow manifests and takes on a life of it’s own.

Dabi is a response to those repressed feelings. Not only is he a repsonse to them, he’s an inevitable result of them. No child abuse doesn’t usually turn abuse victims into murderers. That’s also, not the point. The point is this is a story, Endeavor tried to just bury the past, and Dabi, rose from the grave and said “No, I don’t think the past is better off buried. I think we should talk about it.”

2. The Monster

“People like to think their actions are free from guilt but they’re not-” This is once again more Jungian symbolism. People want to believe they are on the whole good and well-intentioned people. People want to believe they are better than they are.

Dabi has been hurt. Burned even. While Endeavor only looks at the best of himself, his heroic intentions, his ambition to become number one, Dabi sees not only the worst in himself, but the worst in his father, the worst in everyone.

The reason people identify with Dabi is not because they think murderers are sexy (but let’s admit it they are) it’s because Dabi as a character is made up of hurt feelings. He has been burned. He doesn’t forgive the people who burned him. He represents a darker, rawer side to human emotion. Sometimes abuse doesn’t make people poor innocent victims, it’s just pain, sometimes nothing constructive or good comes out of it. Sometimes it’s just damage, to you, and everybody around you.

Putting aside the fact that he’s a murderer (hey I acknowledged it, look at me acknowledging it), Dabi is also written as a character to embody the worst parts of abuse. The negative emotions that Dabi feels are real. Dabi’s hurt feelings are just as real, as the good intentions and desire to forgive that family members like Fuyumi and Shoto have. Neither is more valid, more real than the other.

However, everyone looks at the light, and the shadow is ignored. Dabi’s hurt feelings haven’t even been acknowledged. Not only that, but the feelings of all people hurt tend to get swept under the rug for the sake of “everyone else.”

When Shigaraki says Heroes have turned a blind-eye to the suffering of others, he doesn’t mean that heroes don’t try their hardest to save people, or that heroes never save people. He’s saying that the characters in the story are repressing their issues instead of confronting them, and repression makes people ignorant instead of being able to truly address the problem. Now, connect that back to Dabi, who is the shadow of his father’s actions.

Toya himself is someone in the story who has been “forgotten.” We see Fuyumi praying at his shrine, as well as Endeavor, Natsuo can’t bring himself to forgive Endeavor because of his feelings over Toya. Yes, yes, yes. However. One, the number one hero had his son die and nobody even investigated into those situation. Two, nobody even talks about it nowadays. Shoto brings up his older brother’s death at the dinner table like it’s just an awkward subject he’s uncomfortable talking about... not you know, a tragedy.

And I’m not saying that Shoto is in the wrong here. I don’t mean to demonize his response. I’m suggesting he’s repressed. He’s repressing his hurt feelings about the brother he never got a chance to meet, his two other siblings, his mother, all of that to continue to work with his father because he wants to move forward with his dream, and probably because if he tried facing all of that it would hurt a lot.

However, it’s still the tendency of all the characters on the heroic side to repress things, and look at that from Dabi’s point of view. His own family members don’t even recognize him because of a few scars on his face.

It’s lonely. At the very least it’s lonely and serves to isolate Dabi in his grief further. Push him to believing that he really did die alone and was going to get forgotten, that his survival is just a hindrance that prevents everything in his family from moving forward. Dabi is made up of hurt feelings, and Dabi without prejudgice takes out those feelings on other people. However, Dabi is still a person. The same way Endeavor is both hero and villain, Dabi is both villain and victim at the same time. Dabi was a ten year old who didn’t really do anything wrong who died, after being ignored by his father his whole life. Dabi is, a zombie that’s barely alive, and constantly killing himself with his own quirk. Dabi’s pain is impossible to ignore, and yet he feels ignored.

The difference between Dabi and Endeavor is that Dabi is living as a villain, he acknowledges that he is a villain. He’s the only one in the league to show genuine remorse for killing people, crying a tear of blood and trying to dissociate his own feelings of guilt and the past from himself to the point where he remarks he’s going ‘crazy’ thinking about it. (That doesn’t make it okay, but since when is anything ever okay with the Todorokis?) You have a character who knows exactly what he did wrong, confronting a character who for the most part still sees hismelf as a hero.

Endeavor still sees himself as a hero in this situation. Dabi lives confronting the worst parts of himself (well he’s barely alive but still), he’s stich together scar tissue, and is covered in wounds. He is everything bad that has happened to him. But still, Dabi is at least AWARE.

Beyond all the other plot details, what he’s doing right now is confrontation of something that Endeavor was previously ignorant of. It’s the crux of Dabi’s speech to Endeavor. What he’s saying is pointing out the dark side of each of Endeavor’s good actions.

Endeavor becomes the number one hero, which means he finally gets all the praise, acclaim and honor he always thought he was entitled to. This doesn’t mean that Endeavor’s wish to become strong to serve as a supporting pillar for the nation was a lie, but what Dabi says also isn’t a lie either. It’s the hidden dark side of Endeavor’s actions which Endeavor does not acknowledge.

Endeavor wants to move on and act like a father to his children like twenty years after the fact, and coincidentally this also happens right after being handed everything he wanted on a silver platter. Dabi is pointing out, the negative sides of Endeavor’s actions. Aren’t you just being nice because you’ve gotten everything you’ve wanted now? Don’t you just think you deserve to have your children love you too?

Dabi is confronting Endeavor with the dark sides of actions so he can no longer remain blind, and he is literally in story an agent of the cosnequences of Endeavor’s actions. Dabi became a villain because Endeavor had a son for the sake of his own selfish desire to get stronger, cast him aside, and then even let Toya die. Even if Endeavor wants to move past that, Toya doesn’t. Because for Toya that defines his whole life. Toya was burned by either Endeavor’s flames, or the fire of his own quirk that Endeavor trained him to use. The reason Toya doesn’t move on is because for him, he can’t move on. Toya is dead. Toya died. Toya is some kind of zombie. And if not a zombie, Toya is dying. All because of what his father did to him. And he gets to see his father move on with his life. Everybody else gets to “Get over” his death with Toya, who is left behind.

Toya is a frankenstein’s monster, created by Endeavor, abandoned by Endeavor, let loose by Endeavor on the world. In the real world this would be a far more complicated question, but in a story, especially one that references frankenstein directly, Dabi is quite literally “Endeavor’s Monster” running amok. Dabi would not even exist if not for Endeavor’s actions.

Dabi doesn’t even know why he existed, or why he was brought into this world, because for him, all there’s been is pain. Pain enough to turn his hair white, and burn half of his skin off.

The same way Endeavor only sees the best of himself, Dabi only sees the worst of himself, the shadow. However, the difference between them is Dabi has grown up mostly in the dark.

Dabi is a reaction to circumstances. You can say it’s a bad reaction. You can say it’s not justified. You can call him a monster. You’re probably right, but still Dabi did not create those circumstances, Endeavor did, Dabi can only react to them. Dabi is a consequence to everything Endeavor did to his own family. It might be entirely Dabi’s choice how he reacts, and true Dabi did not have to choose to be a murderer, but Dabi also never deserved to be put into this situation in the first place.

If Dabi is responsible for his reaction, then Endeavor is equally responsible for creating him. It’s something Endavor has to confront, because this ignorance, this represion, it hurts people. Think of Endeavor’s actions a few chapters ago.

Shigaraki is another victim of an abusive father, just like Dabi. Shigaraki is also lashing out, and trying to bring down the hero society, just like Dabi. Endeavor right up until Dabi arrived, and revealed himself thought he was completely justified in wanting to kill Shigaraki for the sake of everyone. Up until five minutes ago, Endeavor only saw himself as the hero, the light, meant to vanquish the king of evil.

Endeavor was perfectly willing to kill Shigaraki up until five minutes ago, because he only saw him as a villain.

And now suddenly Dabi showed up and it got all complicated and shit. However, it was always complicated and shit. The villains were never objectively bad. The heroes were never objectively good. The world wasn’t as black and white as Endeavor saw it.

Now Endeavor’s good action (saving all of hero society as number one hero), requires something most people would consider to be objectively bad (putting down his own son).

The personal investment that Enji has in both Toya being his own son, and also his guilt over what he’s done to his family in the past, now make it impossible for Dabi to be just another villain.

Except Dabi is Shigaraki. Dabi is Shigaraki, Himiko, Twice, Shuichi (not compress tho he’s just in it for the drama of it all). The villains in this story are trying to draw the attention of the heroes to problems within society, problems that have negatively affected them, so they can be fixed. You can’t fix something if you’re blind to it. You can’t deal with something by ignoring it. Dabi’s confrontation isn’t only inevitable, it’s necessary for moving forward.

The shadow isn’t destroyed or ignored, it’s accepted, because in the end it’s a part of you. You are both everything good about you, and all of your flaws at the same time. Living as a fully rounded person means acknowledging that.

Enji’s development is about putting his selfish sense of entitlement aside and learning how his actions have impacted others. Here is Dabi, dancing around going “Hey, Dad, this is how your actions have impacted me. Look at my burns.”

Confrontation is good. The hurt feelings that have been repressed should be expressed.

If Enji had continued on being ignorant, he would have unknowingly torched his own son, and just seen him as another one of the villains. Isn’t that the worst possible result? Beyond hero and villain, isn’t a father killing his own son tragic?

Dabi’s personal revenge is wrong. His decision to lash out is wrong. His obvious desire to kill himself, and then his own father isn’t just wrong, it’s unhealthy. Trying to burn yourself alive and be a martyr to a cause because you think there’s no good reason for you to be alive, and you’re going to die anyway no matter what you do - is in fact a bad coping mechanism.

Dabi is wrong, however, ignoring what happened to him is also wrong. It’s all wrong. Trying to repress those hurt feelings is just as unhealthy a coping mechanism, as lashing out with them.

Dabi is all hurt feelings, yes, he can’t forgive and he can’t forget, but maybe some things like the past shouldn’t be forgotten. Rather than ignoring the past you can acknowledge it, learn from it, reincorporate it into who you are now, because the past is just as much of a part of the present as Dabi’s burnt skin and scars are a part of who he is now.

#todoroki touya #dabi #bnha spoilers #bnha 290 #mha spoilers #mha 290 #i love that i can use that tag now #touya todoroki #todoroki toya #toya todoroki #league of villains #mha meta #my hero academia theory #dabi is a todoroki #todoroki family drama

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