#just bc their pain is worse doesn’t mean I don’t have chronic pain

[onlythebravest]

me: I don’t have chronic pain

also me: *can’t remember what it’s like to live with a fully functioning pain-free shoulder*

[xzaddyzanakinx]

So like i'm chronically ill and i suffer a lot from pain and fatigue and it can get really disheartening and demotivating at times.

How do you think Anakin would act with a chronically ill partner?

I’m not too well versed on any chronic illnesses other than POTS (family member has it)

But thinking of her/her symptoms/issues here’s what I came up with:

You wake up stiff and and your joints just don’t seem to work properly? Anakin will be late to work just so he can get your heating pad, your coffee and breakfast, along with some snacks for later. He’ll be so sweet and give extra cuddles before he puts on some bio-freeze for you (he hates the smell but he loves you so it’s worth it)

You’ve had a great day, a productive day, so good that you made plans… and now you have to cancel them. He understands, he likes being home and cozy on the couch with you better than being out in public anyway. He’s secretly happy that he gets to skip out on drinks at the bar with your friends, that means he has you all to himself.

You promised you’d fold the laundry and do the dishes before he got home from work, but you only got halfway through before you had to take a break… that small break turned into four hours. Anakin doesn’t mind, he’s just happy you are taking care of yourself and letting yourself rest when you need to. He hates it when you push yourself too hard and you end up worse off.

He takes you to all of your doctors appointments, he takes off work the full day if he can. He knows appointments are stressful for you (they stress him out too). Anakin will make a full day out of it. Coffee and donuts for breakfast, lunch at your favorite place after. If it’s a long distance appointment he packs you a bag for the car ride full of: snacks, water (no soda or juice bc he has to force feed you water; he knows you don’t drink enough when he’s not home!!!), a book, your headphones, chargers, fidget toys, and most importantly Hot Hands bc you can’t have your heated blanket in the truck😕

Your pain is 10/10 and you can’t even pick up the phone to call him like you do every day on his lunch break. He’s immediately on his way home, if he’s not there already. Anakin has anxiety through the roof when you don’t respond to texts so you miss three? He’s coming home asap. You don’t answer a call? You best believe he’s leaving work without a second thought, he’s not wasting a moment to even tell his superiors he’s leaving.

He manages all your meds for you.

He makes all your appointments and keeps them neatly on the fridge calendar.

He surprises you with little treats as much as possible.

Anakin’s a homebody, he enjoys the comforts of your shared space, so even your hospital stays are treated like nights at home. He brings all your favorite things, doesn’t matter if it’s a one night stay. He’s bringing your pillow, your blanket, stuffies…

He knows more about your illness than the doctors at this point. He’s basically a specialist. Countless hours of research and learning not only to understand it better, but also to help you cope.

He keeps a record of all your appointments in a binder to track your medical progresses/declines.

He helps you get a service dog, he’s so good at redirecting/educating people in public when they get too close or try to pet them.

[harpersdragons]

New Fic!

Title: “Emergency”? FUCK

Fandom: Batman

relationships: Bruce Wayne & Jason Todd

tags: chronic pain, hurt/comfort, Jason Todd is a dumbass

Summary: my vent fic bc chronic pain sucks ass. So I gave it to Jason and his family convinces him to accept help

Gotham is trying to kill him. 

Well, in a different way than usual.

This time it’s not brightly colored villains with stupid fuckin’ themes.

Or supposedly well-meaning, but nosy as fuck family members.

Or any other physical means of actually taking his life.

Nope.

It’s the fuckin’ weather.

Stupid fucking changing seasons and rain.

And the new armor Bruce made for him, lacking the extra padding his has.

Surprise, death and resurrection doesn’t agree with him. 

The chiming of his phone interrupts his wallowing. He groans, and stiffly rolls over to grab it, although the action dislodges the heating pad spread under him. 

He coulda sworn he’d turned his phone on silent, and after checking, it shows he did. Which means the ringing was coming from his Bat phone.

/Fuck/. 

Not today, he can’t deal with them today.

He grabs the other phone, and barely refrains from tossing it across the room when he reads the message.

/Emergency. Report to the cave immediately./ 

Pain lances through him as he levers himself up to sitting position. He moves slowly, trying to minimize sharp motions that would only make the pain worse, but that only helps slightly.

At least his armor has extra support built in, made to press on certain pressure points and dull some of the pain.

He pulled on his armor painstakingly slowly, ignoring the other suit in its case. That one was why he was in the middle of one of his worst flare ups in months. Bruce had ordered it made after noticing his current one was getting worn down, but it didn’t have the extra support in it, Jason wore it 3 days in a row and now he’s suffering for it.

It’s not Bruce’s fault—for once—since Jason had never told any of them about this. Which was yet another reason he doesn’t want to go to the cave today.

He doesn’t have the capacity to hide how much pain he’s in, and their stupid nosy, detective asses will figure it out. 

But he can’t ignore an emergency call to the cave. 

Pain radiates through his legs with every step, and the goddamn stairs are his worst enemy. 

Regardless, he makes it to the cave.

…eventually and with a lot of stifling grimaces.

He promptly decides he’d like to be anywhere but here. 

Well, preferably in his bed with heating pads and soft blankets, but the point stands. 

Fuckin’ Bruce had to call him here for an ‘emergency’. 

Fuck that. 

When he walks into the cave—forcing himself not to limp, might he add—the only people he sees are Dick and Damian, and he almost turns around leaves immediately.

“Jaybird!” Dick chirps.

Jason groans, he is so not in the mood to deal with Dick. 

“Father is upstairs, he wants to speak with you.” Damian calls out from his position on the med bay cot.

“Is this not a bat emergency? Why /the fuck/ did he call me in the work line? Also, the fuck happened to you?”

Damian’s face screwed up in displeasure, and Dick jumped in to answer. “Someone thought it would be an amazing idea to take on Croc by himself.” He shoots a pointed look at Damian. “Broken ribs and possible concussion, but he’ll be fine. B texted the Batphone because you weren’t answering your regular phone.”

“Oh so he made up an emergency just because I wasn’t answering my texts? Fuck this. I’m going home.” Something clouds Dick’s face—Sadness or disappointment, maybe?—but Jason can’t be bothered with that right now.

“Wait! It is, kind of, an emergency. Just not a vigilante one. He’s dealing with something upstairs, but he’ll be down soon. Why don’t we spar in the meantime?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

/No/. He can’t spar Dick, he can barely fuckin’ move without wanting to scream.

“No.” 

“C’mon, Jay! It’ll be fun! We haven’t sparred together in a while.”

“Not today, Dickhead.”

“Jayyyyyyyy.”

This isn’t gonna go well.

“Fine, one round.”

“Yes!”

They head over to the mats, and Dick gestures at Jason’s armor. “Wanna change out of that?”

“I’m good.” No way in hell is he sparring without his armor, if he tries he might collapse.

“C’mon, scared I’ll hit you too hard? Fight me on equal terms.”

“We both know it’s still not equal terms, I can beat you any day, /Boy Wonder/.”

Jason sheds his armor, gritting his teeth as he does. 

Why is he fuckin’ doing this?

Jason’s gonna regret this. His last piece of armor hits the ground, and Jason steps on the mats. 

“Weapons?”

Dick tosses him two rattan Kali sticks in response, and then grabs two for himself. 

Jason exhales slowly, preparing himself for the eventuality of exacerbating his pain.

”Ready?” Dick shoots Jason a wide grin, bouncing eagerly on his toes.

Jason nods sharply, tapping Dick’s sticks with his own. 

The second Jason is in ready position, Dick is lunging forward. Jason ducks, swinging at Dick’s knees.

Dick jumps, and the fight picks up. 

The ringing of their sticks hitting each other resounds through the cave.

Jason is gritting his teeth against the ache radiating through his body, made sharper with every clash of the Kali sticks. 

Dick lands a sharp hit on Jason’s ribs. Jason jumps back, but not fast enough. 

Jason kicks at Dick’s chest. Dick retaliates with his own, aimed at Jason’s hips. 

Jason steps forward, sticks aimed at Dick’s own ribs, and then tosses his elbow back into Dick’s face. 

They trade blows for a while.

Blocking, evading, and attacking.

The fight stretches on, a flurry of movement and the clashing of the sticks. Fatigue weighs on Jason, pain lances through him—sharper and sharper with every movement.

Dick lands a sharp kick on Jason’s hip, and Jason collapses with a stifled scream.

His hip was one of his weakest points, the crowbar had shattered it, and there was only so much the Lazarus pit could repair.

Dick hits his knees next to Jason, “Jase? What’s wrong?”

Damian comes over as well, leaving the med cot from which he’d been watching.

Jason just groans, twisting awkwardly to try and get away. Dick stops him with hands on his shoulder, “Stay still, Jaybird, we don’t know if it’s safe to move yet.” Jason rolls his eyes.

“I fuckin’ do, and if you don’t get your fuckin’ hands off me, you’re gonna lose them.” Jason ground out. It’s an empty threat and they all know it. Jason couldn’t do shit right now.

He weakly shoves at Dick’s hands until they move, and Jason shoves himself up. He vaguely hears Dick telling Damian to call Bruce, but he’s not listening. He stumbles forward, nearly smacking his head on the wall in front of him. 

“Jay!” Dick rushes over again, trying to steady him. “Settle down, ok? We can wait in the med bay.” 

“Fuck off,” Jason grits his teeth. His leg still isn’t steady—well, even less steady than it was to begin with.

”Jace, please.” 

Jason glares, and limps past him to the pile of armor just beyond the training mats. He starts putting it back on, getting ready to leave.

Just as he starts stalking (limping very slowly) to his bike, Bruce stops him with a hand on his elbow. 

“I can’t let you leave, Jason.”

He’s dimly aware of Dick guiding Damian upstairs. 

”Oh yeah? Fuckin’ watch me.”  He shoves Bruce’s hand off and makes it all 3 steps before Bruce stops him again. This time, Bruce just scoops him up in a fireman’s carry—and boy if that doesn’t make his whole body just /scream/—and carries him to the med bay.  “Fuck you, Old Man.” He growls.

Bruce sets him as gently as possible on the cot. 

“Will you just cooperate, please? We can’t help if we don’t know what’s wrong.”

”Maybe I don’t want your help.” Jason crosses his arms, then immediately regrets it when it twists his wrists in a weird way.

”Jason, please.”

”Why the fuck did you call me here.”

”I needed you to look after your siblings for a few days while I fly out on a business trip. Dick is needed in Bludhaven, Damian’s injured, and I don’t fully trust them alone together. Alfred is on a very rare vacation.”

”Fuck no. I was comfortable in bed, and you called me out here for a stupid ass reason.” Jason moves to hop off the cot. “I’m going home. You wanna stop me? You’re gonna have to fight.” Jason knows he wouldn’t win in that situation, but he’s banking on Bruce refusing to fight him while he’s ‘injured’.

Jason’s not injured. He’s just in pain.

…There’s a difference.

”I’m not fighting you, you can barely walk without limping.”

”Then I’m leaving.”

”No.”

”Fuckin’ stop me then.”

Bruce grabs him around the waist and pushes him back on the cot. Jason is powerless to stop him.

”Jason…”

”Fine! If I promise it’s not a big deal and this just happens sometimes will you let me go?”

”No.”

“What the fuck do you want?”

”Tell me what’s wrong.”

”It’s not a big deal.”

”Tell me anyway.”

Jason glares defiantly, but Bruce just waits.

”Fine. I have chronic pain, both from being a vigilante since before my bones and joints were fully developed and the whole, y’know, crowbar broke almost every bone in my body thing.” Jason is not pouting. At all. He’s not at all affected by the fact his family knows how much he struggles now, which is exactly what he didn’t want to happen.

Bruce’s brow furrows, and he opens his mouth to speak.

Before he does, Jason rushes to speak first. “C’mon, you can’t tell me none of you experience chronic pain. You and Dickhead have been vigilantes longer than I have.” 

“Of course we do, but this seems incapacitating for you.”

Jason shrugs, “Only during flare ups. Usually it’s manageable.”

“Do you know what caused it?”

Jason nods but doesn’t elaborate.

”Are you going to tell me?”

”Are you gonna let me leave?”

”Jason…”

Jason stubbornly crosses his arms again and leans against the wall. The position makes his back spike with pain, but the only way to fix that is to lay down on the hard cot, and like hell is he putting himself in a more vulnerable position. 

Besides, he’s not entirely sure he could sit back up if he does. He used most of his energy getting up after he collapsed during sparring.

That was embarrassing.

Bruce is clearly thinking over what’s happened in the last couple days, trying to figure out what Jason’s not telling him. 

Normally he would have told Bruce, just to see the guilt spiral when he realizes it was something he did, but Jason really doesn’t have the energy to deal with mopey Bruce. Or Hyperfixated Bruce who has to fix the problem and won’t sleep or eat until he does. 

Alfred’s the only one that can effectively pull Bruce from either spiral. 

“The new armor…?” Bruce trails off with a questioning glance at him. ”That’s the only thing I can think of that was different, unless something else happened that you’re not telling me. But why would that cause a flare up?”

Jason sighs heavily, “My armor has a lot of extra support in it. I designed it specifically so it would brace my joints and help manage pain.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

”Because it’s my problem! You shouldn’t have to accommodate me.” 

“Jay…regardless, that’s something I should know. If not for the fact I am your father, I am also the leader of this team. I can’t make sure you're safe in the field if you don’t tell me you need accommodations.” Bruce sighs again, “Is there anything I can do that will help? I’m not comfortable with you going home alone when it’s this bad.”

Jason pouts but gives in. Truth be told, he doesn’t want to get up and go all the way back to his apartment in Crime Alley. “Heating pads are the only thing that really help.”

“Ok. You want to go upstairs or stay down here?”

“Upstairs, I need a real bed.” He pushes himself off the wall, gritting his teeth against sharp pain.

Bruce grabs his elbow and helps him off the bed and over to the elevator. He tugs Jason into his side, “You’re not alone, Jason, you don’t have to hide things like this.”

When they get upstairs—they took the elevator all the way to the second floor—Bruce leads them to his room. Jason hesitates for a second. 

“If it makes you uncomfortable I can set you up in one of the other rooms. My bed has the best mattress.”

Jason nods, and limps the rest of the way into the room. Bruce grabs several heating pads—apparently they were conveniently located in Bruce’s bathroom—and starts plugging them in and setting up. He gets Jason situated on the bed, rearranging the pillows for more support, then steps back “You good? I’m going to grab water and snacks from the kitchen and then I’ll be back.”

Jason settles against the heat pads, wanting to sigh in relief. Finally, some of the pain is dulled. His eyes close and he loses all track of time.

Soon, Bruce comes back in and Jason cracks an eye open. Ace follows Bruce in, and after the man sets the tray of snacks on the nightstand, he signals Ace to jump up. Bruce slides in next to him, holding Jason the best he can without dislodging the heating pads or pillow mountain. 

“What ‘bout your trip?” Jason murmurs. 

“It doesn’t matter, I can go another time. You’re not alone, Jaylad, I love you.” Bruce whispers against his hair, and Jason lets himself drift off.

“Love you too,” Jason’s words come out slurred and muffled, but Bruce clearly hears him and acknowledges him with a soft squeeze.

He’s floating somewhere between sleep and awake when he becomes aware of his other brothers joining them. Dick is talking quietly with Bruce above his head, but Jason can’t focus enough to decipher the words.

Everyone settles in, and Jason finally falls asleep.

He’s safe, surrounded by his family.

[standingontheoverpassscreaming]

Worried I’m a bit in the weeds with this and as a human service worker for disabled ppl I need perspective, preferably from disabled/chronically ill folk.

a close friend of mine has had health complaints as long as I have known her. initially, it was an unconfirmed diagnosis of endometriosis. a constantly under diagnosed condition in AFAB people. affected her in a myriad of ways. despite constant complaints- to the point of it and her cats dominating our conversations like literally would just call to talk about her back pain and her cats playing and nothing else- and despite leaving multiple jobs while citing chronic pain as the reason, took her years to see a doctor. And then another year or so when the doctor blew her off like I warned her they would. which is discouraging, I know, but I gave her the statistics and discussed medical self advocacy in depth repeatedly every time she called to gripe and used shitty doctors as her reason for inaction. I actually ended up ghosting her for like a year because I couldn’t handle the constant calls that ignored the fact that I had a life and experiences of my own while repeating the same shit, often verbatim, and also overly in depth, overly explained.

We also talked about her mental health, coping with trauma, falling into and working on recovery from addiction from poor mental health. She booked what? One appointment? With the local sliding scale psych office where she said the meds made her nauseous then kept “forgetting to book again”

when she wormed her way back in, she was back at work and had finally, finally, pursued more medical attention. she’d had a colonoscopy and a gall bladder removal which apparently did nothing to help her issue but did exacerbate her IBS. and she’d apparently been fighting a constant battle against kidney stones that no one would do anything about apparently and it made her back pain worse… or caused it idk? for all the repetitive, drawn out, over explanations, I’m still not sure which. but she recently quit this job, which was night shift at a gym, complaining that they expected her to do more cleaning than day shift which exacerbated her pain. okay cool, desk job time right? She though so too until she decided that she misses bartending. And now she’s back to the calls. The long calls where she doesn’t even ask what I’m doing despite it being the middle of my fucking work day to tell me about how she’s gotta piss in a jug for testing. And how she’s gonna try to bartend again. Even though I pointed out that there’s a lot more on your feet and lifting heavy shit with bartending than the night shift gym gig where you had to greet 5 people, sweep up, then sit and read behind the counter for 8 hours. Also reminded her about the jobs that were sedentary that she had specifically asked me to look for. But more long winded explanations and yeah no she quit bartending bc of the pain but mostly bc of management.

Let’s not forget a few nights ago when I pointed out AGAIN that she was working herself up into anxiety and doing the anxious over explainer shit AGAIN and recommended therapy AFUCKINGGAIN and all the sudden her complaints about her mental health disappeared bc actually she likes her anxious thought processes and actually she thinks she’d more anxious if she could slow down her thoughts and aCtUaLlY she doesn’t want to heal up that anxiety

And the thing is that I believe her. She does experience chronic pain. She does deal with health concerns. Her mental health is subpar.

But I don’t know where the line is and I can’t keep having her ignore me as a person and use me as an endless dispenser of advice she refuses to take despite asking for it. I can’t be the ear that bends to all her complaints while she literally ignores what’s going on in my life. And I mean, I’ve dealt with chronic hip and knee pain for like a decade now, but I don’t call and wax poetic, I went to professionals until I got at least enough help to reduce flare up frequency and severity. I don’t use my cptsd, history of manic depression, and (now! because guess who actually did and is doing the therapy thing!) history of anxiety as an excuse. And even when I was in the throes of it, I didn’t wreck my life about it then use these issues as an excuse for it to those who loved me.

I can’t stay in this fucking cycle anymore because it sucks so bad to watch her take little steps forward then giant steps back. And it sucks even worse to have to do constant emotional labor about it.

And I know I’m pissed off and tired but what I need to know is am I being fucking ableist? Because I have dedicated my career to disability services and advocacy and I know it’s not the same when it’s personal like this, but I use what I’ve learned to try to help her but she seems to ignore it so she can call and tell me the exact same shit on a too-long phone call the next week

[newswcanonprompts]

Slave Chips + Anakin Angst time

(who tf had this convo? whoever it was, all your body parts are going on the wall. kneecaps = TAKEN for making me fuckin cry)

The conversation started w/ a Anakin has chronic pain because of a very Loud force presence + all the fun stuff that comes from a childhood in slavery and formative years spent as a general in a war, and then talking about high vs low pain perception

And then Yui hops in with this:

what if Slave masters have technology in the slave chips where they can control their slaves pain perception--Low perception for when they work and high for when they get punished.

The jedi didn't know about it, Qui-gon forgot to mention the chip to the Council

and Watto " forgot " to turn it the high pain perception off as a way of getting back at the Jedi for “stealing” his investment

Oh my God what if anakin thinks they know and choose not to turn it off

WHAT IF HE THINKS THAT THEY'RE PUNISHING HIM FOR QUI-GON BEING QUI GON AND FOR THEM BEING FORCED TO TAKE HIM IN SO OLD

AND THAT FEEDS HIS BITTERNESS OF THEM

AND ALSO STOMPS HIS SELF ESTEEM

Because the pain NEVER stops.

So Anakin never says anything

It makes him think that he definitely cannot tell them about any injuries he has unless they make him unfit to work

And Obi-Wan constantly lectures him too and like he's already being punished he doesn't need to be verbally beaten down too

(note that it’s from Anakin perspective, the unreliable narrator of the year--Obi-wan actually has no idea about the chip)

And when he lashes out because it just HURTS and he can't contain it anymore, he’s berated AGAIN

Also, if the pain perception is controlled, that means the slave chip is still there, which makes the thought process he has about being punished for being taken so old even worse

And then, what if Kix one day finds a chip in Anakin's nervous system, he removes it, and Anakin begins crying with relief

And Kix goes "Sir Why WAS THIS TORTURE DEVICE IN YOU?"

He gets injured enough for emergency surgery and Kix finds the chip that way, meanwhile, Anakin can't have anesthesia for medical reasons, so he's dealing with the surgery awake and feels the moment the chip is detached.

WHAT IF ANAKIN IS FAKE NONCHALANT ABOUT IT BECAUSE ANGST

"Ah? Oh they didn't tell you? I thought it'd be in the brief. That's my slave chip. It's supposed to be there. It means they own me." And kix...kix is aghast.

the Jedi are all crying in a corner at the fact they let a CHILD be tortured for YEARS

Because Anakin admitted to a slave chip. Of being owned. And he calls obi-wan Master

Obi-Wan is absolutely devastated because he tortured the child who he was responsible for and he never wanted to do that and oh force, he's a monster (it’s obi wan so like. infinite sadness to the max)

The clones basically become Anakin's mother hens

WHAT IF THIS IS HOW THEY FIND THE CLONE CHIPS TOO

BC KIX GOES "IF THEIR JETII HAS A CHIP...ONE OF THEIR OWN... WHAT ABOUT US CLONES?"

Also the fact so if this is during the Clone Wars: they've sent Anakin in as a soldier without him even knowing he had a right to not fight

The Council decides immediately to take Anakin off the front and get to seeing a mind healer, before collectively drinking an entire bar under the table

Oh God did anyone ever explain to anakin. In depth. That just because they are called "Master" does not mean they own him?

AS A SLAVE, HE WAS ALLOWED HIS THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS. HIS MASTERS BEFORE DID NOT OWN HIS MIND. BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE WITH THE JEDI, IN HIS PERSPECTIVE

(again, Anakin’s perspective, the Jedi didn’t actually know. This somehow becomes an eventual fix it lol.)

Like LOGICALLY Anakin knows that Master to them means teacher but he thinks it doesn't apply to him because they won him and he is still a slave

What if that's the reason he kept his marriage to Padme a secret, not because he was afraid of being kicked out of the Order, but because he would be punished for loving a free person?

YEAH BC SLAVES DON'T GET MARRIED AND PADME WAS NOT ONLY A FREEBORN, BUT SHE IS ALSO, IN HIS EYES, SO FAR ABOVE HIS STATION ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY

Oh, with the removal of the chip and the pain, Anakin gets high from the huge levels of pain-relieving chemicals his body has been producing for years to compensate.

Anakin living in constant fear of punishments, and that's why he always seems so high strung and on a hair trigger

Like!! This whole thing is a web of miscommunication and assumptions

Anakin assumes that the Jedi and whatever know about the chip and chose to keep it in.

He assumes he is still a slave if not in name, then in status

He assumes the council is constantly punishing him for Qui-Gon essentially forcing them to take him in and for his failure to adhere to their code.

He assumes Obi-Wan feels the same, or perhaps he cannot risk going against the council bc they're his elders and he still loves Obi-Wan, bc he sees that Obi-Wan does care for him

(but not enough to free you, a voice whispers in his head that grows louder every day)

Him talking about things with Palpy, thinking the man would be nice enough to free him...

the entire temple is just full of people drinking and crying over Anakin and Anakin himself is currently the most functional person around, trying to convince everyone it wasn't that bad

He doesn't realize that that makes it so much worse. He's all "Really, compared to my other masters. And to masters I could have gone to... you all were kind. I was lucky."

And they despair.

Because how could they still be given that earnest smile, of beautiful blue eyes, shining still with trust and love, when they tormented him, albeit unknowingly, for over a decade?

Anakin is just very relieved to be pain free, and that they didn't know so it wasn't on purpose.

Anakin: You all treated me so well! I had food and water every day, shelter and good quality clothing. You never beat me and my punishments, while sometimes painful, were done with no tricks without cruelty.

“You’re the best masters I’ve had.”

Mace, upon being told this by a very earnest and 100% honest Anakin, knowing full well how he made life difficult for Anakin and didn't like him much, cleared a whole bar of alcohol on his own

While the Jedi are crying, the 501st is willing to go on a murder spree. The Hutts are DEAD.

Everyone say bye bye Gardulla and Jabba

Anakin is just happy and relieved.

Yes there will be talking. He will have to establish boundaries, the order will need to regain its footing.

But Anakin is free, and he has so much love to give.

And now he knows that they never meant for him to suffer.

And maybe he's still high on being free of pain, but now he knows they genuinely cared for him and none of their kindness was because they wanted him to perform well. They were genuine.

Obi-Wan at one point just breaking down and holding Anakin to his chest and sobbing because how did he fail him so badly

meanwhile Anakin's just like "Master, it's fine, I'm fine. Hey crying wastes water, if you're going to cry over something it's gotta be something more major than this. I mean everything's fine, everything's better than fine now, I'm free."

Anakin not quite processing why everything he says makes Obi-Wan cry harder.

Quinlan must be very glad that he never tried to touch Anakin directly.

Anakin's self-flagellation issues are through the ROOF

[spaceoperetta]

have an appointment with a hand specialist this week so that means it’s time to freak out about how it’s been eight months and it doesn’t feel better and I probably missed something or didn’t get looked at bc I tried physical therapy and that cost a pretty penny but ut was summed up as idk you’re pain level 3 people usually come here for sharp pains and the exercises meant it just hurt more so I fell off doing them. The stretching one’s hurt and I feel like I moved to strengthening too fast but I have some hypermobility which means I can easily fuck up and I was told to focus on strengthening and aaaa. And then I feel bad about that bc it put that money to waste mostly. The internet says best results within 6 months and I…I’m too late! I tried resting for too long.

really hate myself for having harmed my wrists so bad,y playing stupid fucking video games (it wasn’t just that but that was the final straw and big trigger) because I was trying to focus on something besides the bad thoughts about harming myself and all I did was harm myself way more and chronically. I knew it was bad and I reinjured myself a week even WORSE by trying to power through it while iced bc now I needed a distraction from that unintentional self harm and yeah I’m still nowhere near having a desk or retail job bc I ducked myself up so much. It’s low level but is easily aggravated. I’m caring for a family member which has less active repetitive motion but is wearying because they’re heavy and I know I’m putting strain in that wrist.

I have to think about it all the time. I hate it. My mom can’t left heavy things I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to spend time on the computer typing and scrolling and not hurt after half an hour. It’s just a constant reminder of my personal failing. Like my screen time reminders when I shouldn’t be on the phone this much.

(I’m PMSing which just a,k brings this to the fore)

[yay-depression]

ok here’s the thing. it’s been suggested that i have chronic fatigue syndrome (i think idk?? my therapist said “that sounds like chronic fatigue stuff” and my adolescent doctor said “that sounds more like chronic fatigue” and idk what the fuck that means) but i don’t experience rly bad symptoms.

here are the symptoms i experience

i’m exhausted all the time, never lets up, never gets better with sleep. it started getting really noticeable about four months ago and it’s been bad ever since. but sometimes on good days i get a lot of nervous energy and then i do something like dance for 20 minutes and then i’m dead for three days. but then on bad days walking to the bathroom is exhausting and will just zap all of my nonexistent energy but i still can’t sleep.

i’m in pain, a lot. i’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia so i’m attributing the pain to that. it’s been getting worse recently, my neck hurts from holding my head up

cognitive function is an eh for me. on good days i can do everything normally with only minimal like fuzziness. on bad days i have moments where i can’t recognize numbers or like think of words and form my thoughts properly. but i’ve been tested for seizures and i don’t have those. all my cognitive abilities have been tested and are normal but i just can’t function sometimes.

i get dizzy sometimes. i’ve been told it’s bc i don’t eat enough nutrients but i’ve been trying and eating is hard bc i feel sick and i have an ED. it doesn’t get worse with sitting but standing is kinda hard after a while for pain and for cognitive shit.

symptoms i don’t have:

i don’t get fevers, like, ever.

i don’t throw up

i’ve been checked for multiple autoimmune disorders, all tests have come back negative my immune system is fine i think

i don’t rly get sick but sometimes i just feel much worse than other days for a week at a time maybe.

i can walk every day, sometimes it takes more energy than others but i can always do it.

i don’t think i’m hyper-sensitive to noise more than anyone else who’s ND but i have hyper hearing bc of my anxiety.

i don’t think i’m more hyper sensitive to light than other ppl with light eyes

i’m fine. i’m literally fine almost all of the time i’m just so goddamn tired. i’m so tired, but overall i’m fine and i’m healthy and nothing is wrong with me i just feel awful.

i’m a healthy person but i feel like shit all the time. when i was a kid this is what i would feel like when i was sick and now i’m just like that all the time.

[mallowstep]

Hard truth though. Leopardstar dies of I think diabetes or something that takes all of her lives over the course of like, a few weeks and if Stonefur and her kits have to watch that...I mean even Feathertail (who is a very sensitive cat most of the time, even if she doesn't like Leopard.) That would be hard. Especially on Mothwing. She's desperately trying to save her mom, but everything she tries isn't working. Like.... x_x

yeah...i don't want to...like.

i mean i follow the leopardstar tag and i don't have spoiler tags blocked so i've certainly spoiled parts of lsh for myself but i'm not going to go onto leopardstar's wiki page to see what her life status is, y'know?

[also not that i think anyone Would do this but you do Not have my permission to spoil lsh for me. i will tell you when i am ready to discuss it. you will know because i will publish my book notes on it.]

so. uh. yeah. i Believe she loses one life in asir? i'm honestly blanking on whether or not she Actually loses one. my head still hurts and i'm not tempting fate by opening up a graphic novel bc i want to go out to dinner w a friend later. it is sunglasses inside hours.

anyway.

leopardstar dies when stonefur and mistyfoot are roughly eleven years old? which means -- old enough that. okay so she's...maybe 13 then. and i mentioned. god let me back up.

stonefur ends up serving as leopardstar's deputy. mistyfoot would Hypothetically want the position, but at the end of the day, it's not the most important thing in the world to her. at the end of the day, her family matters a lot more to her.

anyway, stonefur retires around ten. he gets hurt pretty badly in a battle and while he survives, he's old and recovery takes a while anyway and ends up retiring. leopardstar asks mistyfoot if she wants the deputy position and mistyfoot is like "hell no. i'm like. a year or two away from retirement."

so leopardstar makes feathertail deputy. why feathertail? because i i'm allowed to have things i want sometimes. also because she's willing and ready to challenge leopardstar.

just before the drought happens, leopardstar loses her second-to-last life.

the drought hits.

it is really, really hard to watch. leopardstar probably...okay, let me derail into a quick aside about type two diabetes except Not Really about that it's just me rambling for a hot second.

i don't feel like talking about chronic illness and leadership in General rn, and literally my whole body hurts (ty migraines) and so i like. am not going to reach over to grab the vet book bc my Whole Body hurts, but. with the Understanding that i may Change my Opinion about this at a Later Point,

my current thought process is something like leopardstar develops gestational diabetes therefore putting her at higher risk for type 2 diabetes but that doesn't show through until her final life

(again i'm not speaking generally here abt chronic illness and leadership just specific to how this plays out.)

anyway.

obviously it is really, really hard for everyone. all of riverclan is suffering, but...there's nothing mothwing can do. they don't have enough water. she's in pain and nothing makes it better. she doesn't want to eat (they don't have enough prey; she's nauseous and food tastes like dust), but she's losing weight, no matter how much they convince her. and there's nothing they can do.

there's no pre-insulin treatment for diabetes.

if she wasn't a leader, the onset would have been much slower and subtler. it still would have been hard to watch, maybe even worse, but at least it would have been gentler, in some sense. but because she is a leader, quite a few years of effects are catching up with her.

they blame the drought, because they don't know what's wrong. less than 1% of cats develop diabetes in their lifetime, and because of the lifestyle of clan cats, it's rarely going to be noticed. so they blame the drought, and they pray that the quest resolves it, because they need it.

more than most.

all the clans suffer from the drought. not from, as the erins would have you believe, a lack of water, but from a lack of prey. but riverclan's prey is fish, and the lake is drying up. they feel the effects first and most sharply, worsened by their general food security.

so for two seasons, leopardstar's family is watching her die slowly and painfully, unable to even alleviate her symptoms. they don't have water. poppy seeds don't take the pain away. mothwing does what she can: thyme for anxiety, sorrel to convince her to eat, and juniper for strength.

it all helps some, but nothing close to enough.

and eventually, mothwing can't convince her to take them. leopardstar is paranoid, delirious, volatile. sometimes she feels like leopardstar doesn't recognize her.

it's a hard way to lose a parent.

[lesenbyan]

I think a lot of the remaining “archives” crew doesn’t understand Jon’s guilt at this point. Let me explain:

Spoilers for: season 5, and esp 199

The crew seems to remember Jon Knows Everything any time they want to know a Certain Answer to a Certain Question (ie “what’s happening here?” “how many other dimensions?” “Where is X?” etc) but they don’t seem to really comprehend what knowing everything means in the same way my roommate without chronic pain can’t quite understand the fact that I am always in pain. There’s knowing and there’s knowing. and none of them can do the latter. Esp considering Jon’s been admonished for having feelings so often over the series, told to bottle it up and get it together bc he doesn’t matter, he’s hurting people. And sometimes he was! But as far as we know (and canon seems to support) he never talked about these issues, he never really dealt with them. So when it comes to something like this, something so massive, to knowing and Seeing everything his instinct is to play it pretty close to his chest. He’ll talk to Martin about more of it than the others, of course, bc he’s the only one who has never failed to validate Jon’s feelings.

But then you get to the conversations about guilt, esp the one in 199 and you see Jon say “I” and everyone else insist “we” but they don’t....

Jon’s been walking through this fearscape since he and Martin left Scotland. And the entire time (except when with Salesa) he has been feeling the suffering, the agony, the torment of everyone in those domains. He has been hearing himself cursed and reviled as the man who did this (even if he didn’t mean to!) and he already has a massive guilt complex with crushing amounts of survivor’s guilt, starting from when he was 8yo. Except now he’s hearing thousands and thousands of voices saying you did this and this is your fault and why would you do this to us and Oh god make it stop. And a man can only withstand so much. Andb Martin wants to help! he does! but he can’t handle Jon talking about the suffering and agony of those around him for too long, there’s a reason he doesn’t want to be around for statements.

And the others? have all shut him out. Melanie hates him and Jon wants to respect that, Georgie, as much as she cares, left him high and dry when he most needed an out, during the last time he probably could have left. And Basira’s been a Daisy apologist and an actual asshole to Jon on and off up until Daisy’s dead. He’s not going to sit there and explain “no really i because because because” He’s not going to tell them about the endless hours of the endless mantra of fear and screaming, not going to tell them about the guilt of knowing this is sustaining him, not going to tell them that he’s lost count of the number of people cursing him for bringing this about, not going to tell them about the agony he feels along with them, not going to tell them about the sadistic joy he can’t help but feel, not going to tell them that that makes him feel even worse.

Because how do you explain that? How do you explain that no really the entire world hates me specifically and the world would actually be better off with me dead to people who refuse to believe it? To Martin who refuses to live in a world without Jon in it, who refuses to imagine the world could be better had Jon not existed in it. How does he tell his kind, patient, loving, bleeding heart boyfriend that he’s not sure he’d be able to live with himself even if everything does go as planned? How does he say that even if they fix this the entire world knows him as the man that made them live that? How does he explain that he actually knows now what it’s like to literally be the most hated man on earth.

So everyone else says “we”. Everyone else tries to share the guilt. But it’s not theirs. Yes, all of their decisions and actions helped Jon end up here in varying ways. No, no one is more to blame than Jonah. But the insistence on we diminishes the sheer agony and torment Jon’s been through. But it’s okay. He’s used to his feelings and trauma being diminished and belittled and pushed aside.

and then there’s this:

MARTIN

The point is you don’t have a responsibility to sacrifice yourself just to make everyone else’s lives a bit easier.

ARCHIVIST

I’ve already made them a hell of a lot harder!

MELANIE

Hmmm.

MARTIN

[Sharply] Then we should all sacrifice ourselves, because everyone in this room has some responsibility for it.

Which also drastically misses the mark. This isn’t just the blame game. This isn’t “everyone is equally responsible for the parts they played.” This is “Jon was groomed for this for four years whereas the others had arguably minor roles that didn’t change Jonah’s script too much”. Is it Jon’s fault? Absolutely not! He’s a victim too.

But at the same time if, under duress, you make a decision that kills a person you still go to jail for murder.

What Jon wants is to feel like he’s paid the price for actions that, while not entirely his own, he played a large part in. Jon cannot live with himself and the consequences of his actions even if they weren’t his fault. Jonah didn’t read the incantation. He lined everything up, set the stage, manipulated all the pieces to where they needed to be, but he didn’t pull the trigger. Jon did. And Jon knows that. And no amount of “we” from the others will change that. No amount of “I can’t live in a world without you” from Martin can make him understand this.

This isn’t a burden he can share, so he doesn’t try. He’s happy they don’t know or understand bc it means they don’t hurt like this. But it also means they don’t understand why he simply cannot live with himself after it’s all done.

Even if MAG had and ending where everything went as planned and Jon and Martin made it out, I don’t think Jon would survive long anyway.

[thevirgodoll]

My mental health has been stopping my success no matter how hard I try. I’ve been going to therapy and getting help and it’s getting a little better but it’s still unbelievably hard. I’d love to hear your tips on being gentle bc sometimes the thoughts get too much. And the people around me aren’t the kindest (working on getting out of this situation as well)

•get some sleep...ik this is the hardest thing but YOU NEED 8 HOURS - it changes everything...less sleep for me brings on an episode

•journaling: when things get rough literally just open a document or a diary and just let it all out, don’t worry about making it perfect...just do a stream of consciousness daily to analyze your thought process and be honest n real

•have a hobby...it will make you feel so much better

•remember that you have something impacting your brain and life...it is NOT your fault

•have someone that will hold you accountable and check in on you!!!

•get away from negative people...they’re a poison to you - if they happen to be in your space then limit your interactions with them and don’t give them any reaction. give them NOTHING! leave them fighting for attn

•be honest about your bad days!!! stop holding back on that because you’ll just feel like garbage

•depressive episodes? set timers to eat, set timers to shower, for everything

•prepare yourself when you’re feeling bad, have your snacks and movies and everything and just take it easy stop berating yourself just be nice and acknowledge that you’re sick and you deserve rest

•workout at home with a baddie playlist...get yourself moving or dance to some music

•have compassion for yourself the same way you have for other ppl. stop treating yourself like you don’t have feelings

•validate yourself...don’t overlook your trauma or pain. everyone is hurting. you’re allowed to hurt it doesn’t matter how far gone you think you are or how bad of a person your mental illness claims you are..you are doing okay and it’s going to get better. it’s not easy but it’s worth it. let your heart cry, and let your inner child catch a break. for once, just stop carrying the weight of it all.

•DONT LET ANYONE DEMONIZE OR STEREOTYPE YOUR MENTAL ILLNESSES!! this is why people invalidate themselves!! trust me i have a loottttt to say on this. people do NOT get it and i understand, trust me they use bipolar as an adjective (when it has multiple states??? so it makes no sense), they think my ADHD only means i’m smart and can’t pay attn (that’s...not even the half of it), and that there’s no disability or chronic illness...don’t let ppl downplay anything!!!!!!!! and don’t let ppl make you feel bad for meds either like? the ignorance!

•when intrusive thoughts come, take a deep breath and acknowledge how you’re feeling...question them...ask about the rationality...combat them with statements about yourself (“well i’m smart so that’s just not true.” “i know i’m loved so that’s just an irrational thought”). THE NEGATIVITY ITS ALL THOUGHTS & FEELINGS! but not facts

•combat more thoughts with comforting statements like

“i know this situation will pass”

“this feeling won’t last forever”

“i won’t fight my feelings. but i know they won’t be allowed to stay much longer. i’m going to focus on this opportunity to take back control of my life. my thoughts don’t control me, i do.”

“this will all be over soon. everything will be okay.”

•be honest in therapy...yes we can joke about lying but it does nothing but stunt your growth. tell the truth, the therapist is only there to help. this is a form of self love - you’re being honest and getting the treatment you deserve because you deserve to win!!!

•if you take medicine, don’t skip doses...no matter how hard the day is, you’re going to feel much worse if you skip any doses. you’re going to feel dead inside and absolutely horrible. medicine may not work one day but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a better day tomorrow. medicine isn’t guaranteed to always work, you’re going to still have bad days. monitor your progress though, if you have more bad days than good, schedule the appointment (if you have a mood disorder, consider the fact that you may be in an episode love). but do not stop meds without speaking to your doctor. and if your meds are working, don’t skip doses and stay hydrated and watch your alcohol intake / or don’t drink because all of these things can mess with the effectiveness of your meds.

•you may feel like being alone is worse than anything, but it’s not. your own company will end up being the best. this is the time to learn about yourself. cook new things. change your wardrobe. again, hobbies!!! learn new languages. have fun with yourself...do a exercise of 5 things you’re grateful for, qualities you love about yourself, and things you look forward to with yourself as far as mental health improvement. now on the flip side, don’t isolate yourself!!! let your loved ones in, and let them be there especially if they’re healthy to be around and they understand and are trying.

•suicidal thoughts: if you’re feeling this way, i understand...and because i understand i’m not going to make you feel bad about passively feeling this way. these thoughts that creep in are the worst, and they can cycle for hours on end even if you don’t WANT to do this. it’s going to be okay angel, i promise. don’t suffer in silence. and if you actively want to or still passively, please please PLEASE remember. you are important, worthy, and loved beyond measure... my inbox stays open for any and all concerns. love u all

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[shook-snatched-and-sad]

so i binged a show called ‘the owl house’...

and to say the least, i am OBSESSED! 

(this contains spoilers so don’t read if you haven’t finished the show yet!!)

aside from the fact that i’m a big old lesbian simp for Eda the Owl Lady, i really loved her storyline. it reminds me a lot of my day to day life as someone with a chronic illness. I want to focus on episode 4 ,“The Intruder,” where we learn of Eda’s curse and later episodes where it’s a prevalent point.

in the beginning of the episode eda’s exhausted to the point where king and luz end up carrying her to her bed (nest). she was already tired, but tried to show luz more magic bc she wanted luz to be happy and let her sleep. sometimes when you’re tired and want to lay down you still try to make others happy, and that can be too much for your already sick body. i am guilty of this 10 times over!

she has her elixir, which is almost like pain meds for me and others with chronic pain (or other meds for others in the chronic illness gang). her elixir has a tag reading, ���an elixir a day keeps the curse at bay.” if she doesn’t take it, she transforms into something she doesn’t like. and i mean,,,, yeah, it REALLY DO BE LIKE THAT. even tho i’m still trying to find the right medicine for me, i feel like total GARBAGE when i forget to take my meds. i get snappy and irritable and anxious and everything hurts beyond comprehension; that’s all part of my “curse.”

she also took a little while to reveal her curse to luz, and king didn’t even know but has lived with her for a while. some people i’ve known most of my life don’t even know that i sometimes need a cane or that i even have a chronic pain disorder! you don’t want that judgement or others feeling like your condition is too much for them to handle (which is shitty, but people do say this); you can see that eda has had this happen to her time and time again and that it really left a mark on how she feels about trusting others. 

she also doesn’t remember who cursed her, and this fleshes out in my mind a few different ways:

1. it adds to her trust issues. she doesn’t consciously know who did it, so it could be anyone she interacts with and that’s scary. to her it’s traumatic, and she lives with the aftermath of the event everyday

2. not remembering? mega brain fog! sometimes you just have bad days where your brain is so cloudy that you low key forget someone’s name or a simple word to something (i once forgot the word “tv” and it’s technically not even a word). it’s almost like a tip of the tongue type thing. also, the figure kinda looks like fog

3. sometimes you don’t know what causes your illness. i have fibromyalgia and it’s just one of those complicated medical conditions where there is no determined cause for it. trauma? yeah, maybe. a few people in the fam with rheumatic stuff? could play a part. god spun the wheel and had to add whatever wacky thing it landed on? hell yeah, baby! 

later in the season eda needs some more of her elixir (her meds) and the guy at her usual place doesn’t have it in stock for another 2 weeks. she has to go to the boiling isles’s version of the black market to get it. when she gets to the black market guy, the price is outrageous and he just proves that this show is TOO SELF AWARE FOR ITS OWN GOOD. IDK WHO GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO SPIT SUCH FACTS ABOUT CAPITALISM BUT GODDAMMIT SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT!! sometimes you can’t get the name brand version of your meds bc insurance doesn’t cover it (even if that’s usually what you get) and you have to get the generic version but IT’S STILL WILDLY EXPENSIVE. and it’s worse if you don’t have insurance. i know other chronically ill people who just ended up smoking w**d for their symptoms until the insurance company stopped playing games, and honestly that says something about the wack ass healthcare system of america *sips tea*  luckily the rude mf that wouldn’t give eda her meds got his stand destroyed and that’s on performing magick without parental supervison

and what i especially like about this show is that they gave this character a curse (illness) and didn’t make it her entire identity for the show. any other time there’s a chronically ill/disabled character, it’s their only personality trait and exhaustively used throughout as a lazy ploy too add diversity. yes, eda has this curse and she lives each day treating it, but she has so much more substance to who she is: she’s a businesswoman, a friend, a mentor, a goofball, a badass, a powerful woman in her craft. eda had said her self at the end of “the intruder,” “no one likes having a curse, but if you take the right steps, it’s manageable.” and that’s exactly what it’s like being a chronically ill person who is able to manage their symptoms with medication and still do certain things that bring them joy. without her elixir eda wouldn’t be able to perform magick and have her business; without my meds and some physical therapy i wouldn’t be able to go to school full time for my photography degree and have a job as a photographer. 

could i possibly be projecting this metaphor onto a character that makes my little gay heart go uwu? maybe but that’s none of your business (unless you feel it too. in that case it’s our business <3). but i seriously cannot wait to see what else is in store for our #1 bad girl in the rest of the series!

(my attention deficit ass wrote this while being distracted from one of my final papers thank you for attending my TEDTalk)

[cuntess-carmilla]

that post you made about a normal level of pain for able-bodied people really struck me bc i have been dealing with shoulder and back pain for years. i think it’s mostly caused by stress, depression and the fact that i have a large chest. i see it as something normal bc it’s been there for so long but maybe it isn’t. you have given me a lot to think about and i feel this weird sort of relief. i think you have helped a lot of people in this way. i hope that you are doing well and that many good things happen for you.

It's absolutely not normal, love. Especially if you're young, though the large chest could explain it. 🙁 But that said...

Depression doesn't cause physical pain.

Depression is a mood disorder, not a physical one. Moods are emotions, and while emotions are powerful and much more important than Capitalism™ likes us to think they are, they're not powerful in the way it's popular to think of it now thanks to psychosomatic theories of medicine which imo exist largely to explain away chronically ill people, so that they don't have to treat us and can just say it's "all in our heads". It's literal medical gaslighting.

Chronic fatigue*, however, does cause chronic pain, as well as many other symptoms easily confused for symptoms of depression, such as brain fog (mental lethargy, difficulty focusing, poor memory, etc), very low energy, and what to others will easily seem as "lack of motivation" or "laziness". There's a reason why most people who experience chronic fatigue are misdiagnosed as having depression instead. Also, chronic fatigue and stress love to make each other worse, they're toxic besties.

Thank you for your message. I hope many great things happen to you too. ❤️

*By "chronic fatigue" I mean the symptom present in most (or all?) chronic illnesses, not necessarily CFS/ME.

[asexualarchivist]

I took the askers name out just in case they didn’t wanna be identified! I wasn’t sure so I thought err on the side of caution

Oh yeah of course!

To be honest, part of the reason I am so interested in reading fic about Jon having chronic pain is because I have seen so many other people who have chronic pain or are disabled create amazing works about their experiences. It’s led me to a lot of self reflection about what it actually means to be disabled, and how wide a spectrum disability is. It’s so much more than “person in a wheelchair” or “blind person” and I think many abled people don’t see just how many types of disability there are. It’s important to spread awareness so that we can form a more accessible society.

And I mean part of the other reason is personal, last year I started having back and neck pain that has steadily gotten worse and has not gone away, so I suppose it is chronic pain, though it’s hard for me to admit that to myself because it feels like I’m appropriating stuff you know? I don’t talk about it much for that reason. I’ve been to a few doctors and they can’t figure out what’s wrong with me so it’s been a real struggle for the past year. And I still don’t have any sort of diagnosis or reason for it besides “it might be your posture” and “you should exercise more”. What if this is just my life now? Am I always going to be in pain? What if there really is nothing wrong and I’m just making it up or exaggerating? And it’s put me in a bad mental place, because it’s scary to think about that when it’s not something you’ve had to deal with your whole life. This may sound cheesy or stupid, but reading fic about Jon being disabled has really helped me put things into perspective. He’s a character I really relate to. And it’s made me feel more comfortable with the fact that I might have pain forever, or for a long time. It’s been a pretty important coping mechanism for me. It’s helped me come to terms with the fact that I could become disabled and that would be alright, there isn’t anything wrong with it and there are so many people out there who experience things like this and have supportive people in their lives who will help them. It’s really comforting.

I don’t really think I can allow myself to use the term “disabled” on myself before I get some sort of diagnosis because of my own guilt at taking a term that is not mine, but I feel a little safer knowing that if I do end up using that term it won’t change much about me and I’ll be okay. If it ends up that I have a chronic and progressive disease I will be okay and still me, no matter what. And that disability doesn’t detract from human worth, it’s a part of you, and there will be people who love everything about you.

Sorry about this big long rant lol it’s just something I’ve been considering a lot lately and it’s nice to put it out in words.

You’re totally right about talking to disabled folks. There are a lot of different experiences that should be discussed and I should think fully before I write something. I just wanted to let you know that this was in no way a desire to get like “woke points” or something, it’s important to me and I hope that I’m able to do it right (if I like, ever write things again bc it’s been a bit lmao). I do have friends I can talk to but anyone can reach out to me if they have suggestions or corrections. I would like to portray things in a respectful manner.

ANYWAY thanks all for reading this and again sorry for like how long and stupid and personal and off topic this got.

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

hi, idk if this is okay but here goes... this blog's really helped me a lot in recovery from AN. i've been doing well lately. since diagnosis, i've been on my own with this bc the mental health system in my country is broken. i guess my question is, do you have any tips for continuing recovery during grief? a really close friend has just passed and i can't get myself to stomach even a bite. i just don't know what to do, i'm lost. thanks in advance, it's okay if you don't reply to this, really.

Hey! I am so glad this blog could help you, it’s truly an honor! Also I live in America, my healthcare system also sucks ass. Recently had symptoms of kidney infection- couldn’t go to an in person doctor because the only place that took my insurance was closed in my city and they wouldn’t set me an appointment in person, though I tried to get one. Basically just had to tough it out- it sucked. Basically trying to validate you- having shitty healthcare is basically the worst.

As for grief, I am really sorry to hear that your friend passed away. It’s an absolutely horrible thing to go through, for every good memory you had with them you have to remember time and time again that they aren’t here anymore, and that’s a feeling that takes a really long time to become more okay with. Not that it’s the same thing, as everyone’s relationship with grief is different, but I lost a close grandmother on January 30th, 2020. I mourn her everyday, and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through in my entire life. Still is. I miss her every day, and think about her all the time.

So some words on grief.

1. Cheesy, but it does get better with time.

I read an allegory for grief, and I have found it to be true. Grief is like a big ball inside of a tiny box (which represents you). Every time the ball touches the side of the box- it hurts really bad. You cry, you stare at the wall for hours, you lose your appetite, a lot of things. At first- your ball of grief is huge- and it’s constantly and randomly hitting the sides of the box. For me- the time around my grandmother’s death and funeral, I was completely out of commission. I couldn’t stop crying, and when I did I couldn’t focus on anything. I was completely incompacitated for weeks. But then- over time, the ball of grief gets smaller and smaller, and touches the side of the box less and less. Now, I can think about her without bursting into tears, I look back on my time with her with a sense of nostalgia rather than sharp pain most of the time. Now while my ball of grief is smaller- sometimes it still randomly touches the sides of my box, and I break down crying (hell- I am tearing up now lol). That’s okay. It’s all apart of the process. The grief never fully goes away- but it becomes less and less consuming. This does not mean you love your loved one any less, it just means your body gets better at metabolizing their absence so it hurts less. Also not you can’t force the ball to get smaller before it’s ready to (believe me- I tried). Just let it happen.

2. Express your emotions healthily

Want to know what not to do? Keep your emotions locked into your chest. Especially if you have an ED, it’s important to let yourself cry as hard and as often as you need to. What you don’t get out now will bite you in the ass later. It’s so, so painful. I have never cried so hard in my entire life than I did at my grandmother’s funeral, I couldn’t even get a word of apology out. It felt awful, and vulnerable, and it wasn’t pleasant at all. Crying is not fun, but it was necessary. Afterwards, I felt soooo much better. This is because crying chemically is like letting the extra air out of a balloon about to pop. There is no shame in it. Do it, and do it often. As often as you need, don’t hold it in. Let the pain come, and then when it is ready it will pass. Remember what you don’t process now you most certainly will be forced to process later in the form of chronic pain, worse depression, worse ED symptoms, and worse health. Let it out.

3. There is no wrong way to grieve

So I just spent all that time talking about crying- but it’s also possible that your grief will express itself in other ways, such as feeling numb, or even feeling fine. The key thing is to not judge how your body metabolizes this. Let it do what it needs to do, and do not judge it. To it body will do what it needs to do, fighting it is a pointless uphill battle. Accept it with self compassion, console yourself like a friend would. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel numb, or to cry, or to be okay, etc. let it happen.

4. Reach out for support

Be it from a friend, a family member, or a therapist (or best- all three!) if you feel like it would help you, reach out and talk about how you are feeling, or do something distracting. Mod Lia and I called the night I saw my grandmother for the last time, and we didn’t talk about it much at all. We watched She-ra. That helped a lot. Later I called another friend and talked about how I was feeling. Later I talked about it with Mod Lia, too. And of course my therapist- who helped me process it in a healthy way. On that note, especially with an Ed, if you can, get a therapist. Do it. Better than anybody they will be able to help you find the healthiest way to grieve, and help provide tips and accountability for preventing the worsening of an ED.

5. Tips on not drop kicking your ED behaviors further into hell

Having a schedule for eating (and other necessary activities) really helped me. At certain times, regardless of wether or not I was hungry, I forced myself to eat just because it was food time. Doing this prevents you from slipping into ED behaviors, especially when it is easy to do. Having a therapist or a willing friend to hold you accountable can also help. Express your emotions healthily. Talk to your loved one still, on walks or however. Talk about them in conversation. Do things that remind you of them. Make a memorial for them- whatever that means to you. Allow them to still occupy space in your life, if that feels right. If not, that’s fine. Taking care of yourself is hard, but if you don’t you are going to make it worse for yourself. It’s like puting an ankleweight in when you are already drowning. Take intentional steps (such as setting reminders and alarms) to ensure you take care of yourself, and even see if there are people who would do it with you. Like if you are having a hard time eating, see if a friend will have lunch with you every day at a certain time, or a couple different people (over the phone if need be). Plans, for me, really help me keep it together.

To sum it up, the biggest thing is to not fight the grieving process, set specific schedules for different aspects of self care (with alarms), reach out when you need help, and be patient because it takes time.

There is nothing I can say to make your loss feel better, but it is so hard to lose someone, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. Be patient, don’t expect a ton of productivity out of yourself, and just wait out these unpleasant storms. Thing are never going to feel the same ever again, but eventually you will get used to a new normal, and that doesn’t mean you are doing them an injustice. Keep remembering them, and be patient with yourself.

Best of wishes,

Mod Cass

[sureuncertainty]

rant ahead, tw for mentions of dysphoria and misgendering, ask if you need anything more specific tagged!

i saw a comic or a tweet or something today about how ‘everyone hates parts of their body but you can’t change it so just get used to it and you’re still great!’ and it was lowkey really triggering for me bc it makes me feel like my dysphoria is just something i have to “get over” and that its just not liking myself and made me question whether it really IS dysphoria at all, or just a vague discomfort that i should just suck up and deal with

so much of my life, especially being partially closeted, is deciding when it’s worth changing things. when do i change my name? who do I ask to call me by my name and pronouns? I had a doctor’s appt today and got deadnamed and misgendered enough times that my heart was racing, but it wasn’t THAT bad so i just sucked it up bc i was too afraid to ask them to change my name and pronouns on my chart

it’s like how I get chronic headaches right? And when I feel a headache coming on, i always have to decide if I’m gonna take something for it or let it pass on it’s own. letting it pass on its own hurts more, but it could always be worse, so sometimes I don’t take anything bc i’d rather just suck it up and deal with it. sometimes the pain is so unbearable that i have to take something for it. it’s like that with being trans.... sometimes i HAVE to come out, sometimes I HAVE to advocate for myself bc the pain is unbearable. but most of the time i just suck it up and deal with it. i KNOW it’d be better for me if I did do something about it, but fear stops me from doing something. it’s not a perfect metaphor but i feel like it mostly sums up how i feel about it

i can never advocate for myself bc I feel like i have to meet some kind of threshhold of suffering before i can actually get help. and even though i know my doctor would be willing to do so, I know how shitty trans patients get treated, and I just don’t wanna rock the boat, i don’t wanna deal with it, i’d rather deal with the mild dysphoria than deal with potential medical trauma yknow?

and it’s just always weighing those things: what’s worth the discomfort? being misgendered by my family sucks but coming out to them sucks WAY more. being misgendered on facebook also sucks but so does being outed, and that’s worse, so it’s always a balancing act of what’s worth it

i want top surgery but it’s not worth it right now. it might not ever be. but that doesn’t mean i don’t deserve it. it doesn’t mean I don’t still deserve to be gendered correctly and called by my name. even if I’M the main thing stopping me from it. i’m out at work and still get misgendered constantly, but I still deserve to be made as comfortable as I can. and it sucks and it’s not fair that I have to be closeted, and might always be.

so many trans people talk about how they came out bc they had to, bc being closeted was too much for them, and that’s so valid, but bc that’s not my experience (altho it’s getting there, ngl) i’m okay just being out in the capacity that I am and sucking up and dealing with the dysphoria that comes from things that could change. but that makes me feel Not Trans Enough or if I was Really trans, I would HAVE to come out bc i’d basically die otherwise. i don’t think i’d die if i can’t ever fully live as myself, partially bc being nonbinary means i’ll NEVER be able to fully live as myself bc of how gendered everything in this society is. it’s always gonna be one or the other. and i just can’t win (no pun intended)

it’s hard when I feel like I can’t relate to a huge portion of the trans community bc of that. i can’t imagine what it’s like for trans folks with little to no dysphoria. bc mine’s only been getting worse the more I use my correct name and pronouns the more i absolutely hate the other ones. 

anyway this is why i hate transmedicalism which literally prevents me from getting top surgery anyway. even though it’s a fairly chill procedure that would vastly improve my quality of life, I can’t get it because I”m not suffering “Enough” and that’s fucking bullshit.

i deserve to be comfortable, even if i’m not in excruciating pain.

it’s why i went ahead and took a tylenol for the minor headache i had this morning, bc sometimes it just only gets worse. i’m afraid of how much worse this is going to get