#and like diabetes is not a subject i know a lot about

[ms-demeanor]

My mom has gone full on Youtube Woo "natural cures" and I have no idea how to get through to her. Literally sitting at home in front of the tv playing video after video of pseudoscientific bunk and lapping it up... She's diabetic and a cancer survivor and I fear she's gonna do irreparable damage in her forays into the deep end...

Do you have any tips on reaching folks that are in this deep?

Regular reinforcement of evidence-based medicine as kind as you can make it whenever it comes up.

"Oh I heard about this coffee enema thing..." "There's not really any evidence to back that up, mom, and besides, it sounds pretty unpleasant."

"Oh I heard about how nightshades are poison" "That book doesn't have a lot of great evidence, plus here are the kinds of micronutrients that you can get from nightshades, they're important in your diet."

"Oh I'm not sure about vaccines anymore, the new ones are so scary" "Mom, I'm so glad you got me vaccinated, I think about how kids younger than me are at risk of measles and other issues because of vaccine hesitancy and I worry so much for them, I think you made the right decision when I was a kid and I'm grateful for it."

"Oh, but fluoride in the water can cause IQ losses in young children," "Mom, those studies aren't in areas where fluoride is added, they're in areas where it's naturally high and are way, way above what gets added here, plus look at you and me, we have been drinking fluoridated water and we're both smart."

IDK, it's miserable. Basically you go on natural news and learn about all the lies, then spend twenty times as much time learning about the debunkings for all the lies and then try to be nice when you tell them they're wrong.

Since your mom has had previous successful treatment from allopathic doctors call back to that; "but mom I'm so glad they were able to take care of your cancer - I know it was hard but I think you might not have survived if you hadn't trusted your doctors." "but mom, look at how much the medical science on diabetes has improved in your lifetime; i'm glad it's easier to manage now than it was when you were younger, and that there are better treatments being developed all the time; I don't think they're hiding things from us otherwise they'd still treat diabetes and cancer like they did in the 50s, and things are so much better than that."

Just. Try to be nice. Try not to attack her. Try to keep it light and offer cheerful arguments before changing the subject.

You don't want her to get defensive, you want her to consider you to be someone she can ask for information who won't make fun of her and doesn't think she's stupid.

Anyway. Life with my mother in law has been fun recently. She watched a youtube video and decided she must have gone into ketosis after fasting for twelve hours so she ordered a bunch of protein strips and I'm cooking for her a few times a week to guarantee that she's eating something other than canned chili beans.

So. You know. I feel you.

[pathologicalreid]

for the fear of falling apart | part five

there's one last chance for everything to fall apart, but this time you aren't at the center of disaster - Spencer is

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | epilogue

series masterlist

who? spencer reid x jareau!reader category: angst content warnings: lots of future talk (marriage and pregnancy), takes place during 15x10 "and in the end", explosions, the chameleon arc, spencer's hospital stay, sibling loss, diana's alzheimers, canon cm violence word count: 7.34k a/n: so this is the last part! i can't resist doing an epilogue, so a cutie little "where are they now" part on the horizon, but this was always the way it was going to end. as always, telling me your thoughts is the sexiest thing you can do.

“She’s not a threat,” Spencer pointed out, carrying on a conversation with you while he adjusted the straps of your bulletproof vest, pulling it tightly around you to cover as much of your torso as possible. You’d complain about him taking away your ability to breathe but if it brought peace to his busy mind, you could sacrifice your full lung capacity.

You flattened your palm against the SWAT truck for support while he resumed tugging at the Velcro straps of your Kevlar, “Speak for yourself! You’re not the favorite stepdaughter of a woman that you can’t stand.”

Deciding your vest was as secure as it was going to get, Spencer stood up, sharing a look with the SWAT commander before turning his attention back to you, “Why are you the favorite stepdaughter again?”

Dramatically, you tilted your head back and looked at the sky, “Because JJ had a child out of wedlock. I’m the favorite by default.” It was funny to think of your stepmother choosing you as a favorite, but you supposed the pickings were rather slim. “Hey,” you continued, “There’s an idea.”

“Uh huh,” Spencer responded mockingly, “Pick a new subject, please.”

Rolling your eyes, you rested fully against the armored truck, scuffing your boots against the gravel driveway to Everett Lynch’s house. “You’re no fun,” you accused, trying to use your family issues as a discussion to pass the time before you had permission from Emily to put your plan into motion.

Spencer hummed in response, watching your sister as she answered her phone and hopefully received instruction from Emily. You didn't like lingering out here like sitting ducks, no matter how many armed agents there were with you.

Matching JJ’s gaze, she nodded to you and Spencer, letting you know that Emily had given the go-ahead.

Quickly, Spencer slipped his phone from his pocket and dialed the number that he had previously memorized. You heard the phone ring as he held it up to his ear, and then a woman’s voice came through, “No, Roberta my name is Dr. Spencer Reid and it’s important that you listen to me right now.” He fed the Lynch matriarch instructions over the phone, “Even though you have the gun, the moment your son realizes you’re not gonna shoot him, he’s gonna get the upper hand.”

You couldn’t make out her response, but based on the way Spencer’s eyebrows were pinched together, you worried he wasn’t getting through to her.

“Yes,” he answered over the phone, “but first you need to let Olivia walk out of there, okay?” The next step was simple enough, and not long after he spoke, you saw the teenager run out of the house.

JJ had the opportunity to take the Chameleon out earlier that day, but he’d used Olivia and her diabetes as a bargaining chip. You lingered with Spencer while JJ ran out to meet her, gently guiding her behind the barricade to the waiting ambulance. 

Instinctively, you set your hand on your firearm as a single gunshot rang out from the house, “Roberta,” Spencer urged, “that warning shot is what’s about to give you away, but we can help. Are you ready for us to come in?” He waited almost too long before speaking again, “Roberta?”

He looked back at the SWAT captain as everything hinged on Roberta’s response, and when Spencer gave the order to breach, you took your spot next to the armored truck. Your instructions were very clear, you were in charge of Everett once he was apprehended, and JJ was in charge of Roberta.

Across from you, JJ’s phone rang, you couldn’t hear either end of the conversation, but you could see the fear in her eyes when she looked up at Spencer and all of the other SWAT agents headed toward the structure. You took a few steps forward, trying to follow after Spencer, but JJ shouted your name and caught your attention right as the bomb went off.

The blast warped your perception of time. You looked back at the house on fire before your eyes automatically searched for Spencer. Everything was moving in slow motion, but even so, there he was, on the ground. “Spence,” you yelped before scrambling forward, dropping to your knees at his side.

Spencer started to rise from the driveway, propping himself up on his elbows. He likely couldn’t hear you, based on the way your own ears were ringing while you checked him over for injuries.

“Are you okay?” You asked him anyway, “Baby, can you hear me?” He tried to sit up, but you settled your hands on his shoulders, “No, it’s okay, stay down.” You continued to speak to him, taking time to shout instructions for the now scrambled first responders.

JJ called your name again, causing your head to snap in her direction, “Your head is bleeding,” she told you, jogging toward you and Spencer.

You rose on shaky legs as your sister took your face in her hands, frantically checking the wound that you couldn’t feel. Waving away paramedics, you urged them to assist the downed SWAT agents instead of you, “It’s fine, Jayg,” you breathed, straightening yourself out and keeping an eye on Spencer.

“Are you feeling alright?” You whispered to Spencer, noting the lack of focus in his eyes, you resisted the urge to wave your hand in front of his face.

He hummed in response, “I’m fine.”

Unable to help it, you frowned at him. ‘Fine’ had been his only sensation from the moment you arrived at the hospital in Reno until now. ‘Fine’ was a term used by people who were avoiding any genuine emotion, and you couldn’t entirely blame him. Last you heard the casualty count from the explosion was up to seven – including Everett and Roberta Lynch.

He’d gotten an MRI at the hospital – not that you’d given him much choice – and it came back clear, so the rest of the team wasted no time in having the jet prepared to return to Quantico.

It wasn’t the silence that unnerved you, it was the absence of activity. Your sister sat in one of the chairs, periodically turning her head to check on you, Rossi and Matt had claimed their own spots throughout the aircraft, and you and Spencer were sequestered next to the galley. Everyone seemed to be disassociating from the events of the day.

You willed Spencer to pull a book out of his bag and start reading. You silently begged him to do something that you could find comfort in. Instead, he noticed you staring and leaned over to gently kiss the unmarred side of your forehead.

Taking a raincheck on Penelope’s vision-boarding, you made sure the two of you got home in one piece. “Do you need to clean it?” Spencer asked, gesturing to the mark on your forehead.

You kicked off your shoes in the entryway, rubbing the exhaustion from your eyes as he sat down on the couch. “No, maybe in the morning,” you responded. “Are you gonna come to bed?”

“In a bit,” he offered, leaning his head back to look at you one more time before you disappeared into the bedroom.

There were a lot of things about the day that didn’t make any sense, but the one thing you couldn’t wrap your head around was Everett Lynch’s suicide. Not to be mistaken with sympathy, you didn’t understand how his particular personality type could choose to blow itself up. He was too confident, too narcissistic for that.

The doubt kept waking you up, each time you hoped to find that Spencer had finally come to bed. Once the clock struck four in the morning and he still hadn’t come to lie down, you crawled out of bed, expecting to find him asleep on the couch.

Your heart dropped when you found him on the floor, dried blood crusted around his nose, deathly still.

Phone, phone, phone – where was your phone?

Grabbing his phone off of the coffee table, your head spun as you dialed 911, crouching next to him as you tried to make out the sound of his breathing.

In a four-in-the-morning fugue, you went through the motions, answering all of the dispatcher’s questions, all of the paramedic’s questions, and all of the nurse’s questions.

The emergency department nurse looked at you sadly, not much more than a pile of limbs in a stiff plastic chair, “Is there anyone I can call for you?”

Swallowing thickly, you shrugged in response. You wanted her to call everyone and no one at the same time, building up walls around yourself made of materials that you couldn’t name. You needed to call Emily. You needed to call Diana. Frowning at the nurse, you gave it another moment of thought before responding, “My sister.”

JJ didn’t answer.

The nurse tried her twice and you called once from your phone, but there was no answer.

Spencer didn’t wake up. Dr. K didn’t seem confident that he would.

Like a metronome, the steady beeping of Spencer’s vital monitor nearly lulled you to sleep until the ringing of a phone interrupted the pattern. Your phone buzzed in your pocket and your stomach lurched at the realization that your sister was finally calling you back, “I have been trying to reach you all morning.”

Your sister was silent on the other side, and you wondered if you had come on too strong. “What happened?”

The world was falling apart around you. Your castle was crumbling with you in it. You looked longingly at Spencer before you answered, “I think he’s dying.”

Time passed in an inordinate pattern, convincing yourself that hours had passed when it had only been minutes. You had moved your chair to Spencer’s bedside, tracing the scar on the inside of his palm in time with the steady rising and falling of his chest.

“Have you been here all night?” Your older sister’s voice rang from the doorway, she didn’t wait to be welcomed in, immediately moving to the side of the bed opposite to you.

Your eyes followed her hand as she gently set a palm on his shoulder, her blonde hair curling around her face as she studied Spencer’s appearance. Quickly, she caught herself, straightening up and making her way around the bed so that she stood behind you, smoothing a hand through your hair like she did when you were just kids.

Penelope followed behind JJ on a delay, her skin paling at the sight of Spencer in the hospital bed. She stood at the foot of the bed, placing her hands on the footboard and taking several deep breaths.

“I went to bed without him last night. I wasn’t sleeping well, so when I woke up at four in the morning and he hadn’t made it to bed I went to see if he had fallen asleep on the couch, but he was just… on the floor,” You told them absently, watching Spencer as he slept and recalling the way you had found him in the apartment. His body contorted from falling on the ground with a puddle of blood beginning to gather beneath his head.

You couldn’t look at them. You couldn’t look away from him knowing that it could be the last time you see him alive. “What do you need?” JJ asked, continuing to smooth down your hair.

Clasping his hand in yours, you nodded to yourself reassuringly, “Can you call Brookfield? I need to talk to Diana. If she’s lucid enough, can you ask if they can bring her here? If he… she should be here.” Sinking into an abyss of unknowns, at the very least you knew that he’d want his mother here with him.

The two blondes shared a wary look, and you steeled yourself for a difficult conversation. Penelope left to call Brookfield on your behalf, but JJ stayed behind, dragging one of the plastic chairs over to the bed so she could sit next to you. “We got the casualty report back from the medical examiner in Reno,” she informed you; her voice was low – the tone she took up when she wasn’t sure how to navigate a situation.

You nodded in understanding, waiting for the bomb to drop.

“There were six SWAT agents, Roberta Lynch, and Orlando Gaines,” she told you gently, watching your face for any sign of a reaction.

You frowned, expecting her to add Everett Lynch to the tally later on for dramatic effect, but the moment never came, “Oh,” you breathed, looking at Spencer.

JJ continued to explain that, based on the blueprints of the house that he had pilfered from one of his victims, he had likely escaped using a tunnel system beneath the house. The Chameleon was in the wind, and Spencer might just be his latest victim. “We know he’s not done though,” JJ tried to reassure you, “He’ll resurface somewhere.”

“We don’t know where and we don’t know when, though,” you told her, an edge of despair creeping into your voice. He should’ve died. Everett Lynch should be dead, and you shouldn’t be sitting next to Spencer’s hospital bed right now. “And Spencer might die for no reason,” you added. There was a slight chance that you could, someday, find comfort in Spencer succumbing to injuries sustained in a blast that took out The Chameleon, but with Lynch still out there, you were struggling to find any glimpse of a silver lining.

Your sister looked at a loss for words, reaching out her hand and dropping it to your knee when you didn’t take it. She mumbled something about letting it go for Spencer’s sake, but Spencer was unconscious, if you held on to your grudge against your sister, he was none the wiser. It brought you back to something he had told you after Grace Lynch shot you – I don’t want you to forget your anger.

Glancing over at her briefly, you took a deep breath, “You should get back to Quantico – the team will need you to catch Lynch.”

“No,” she said, pinching her brows together, “I’m going to stay here.”

Pursing your lips, you gave her a sidelong glance, “Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you going to stay here, JJ? Do you want to stay at the hospital for my sake or for Spencer’s?” Keeping your hand tucked into his, you didn’t budge when she pulled her hand off of your knee, and even then, you had your answer. “I’m asking you to please, go back to Quantico and find Everett Lynch. Spencer will have me, his mom, and Penelope with him and I need you to find the person who did this to him. I’m asking you to go, so you aren’t staying for me.”

She was looking at you in pure disbelief, “Ducky, I don’t-“ She faltered, “I thought we were all friends again. You told me you understood where I was coming from.”

Nodding in agreement, you recalled the conversation you had with her while Spencer was with Cat Adams, “I told you I understood how you could be in love with him because I’m in love with him, but I have limits, JJ, and there comes a point where I just can’t understand why you keep using your love as a weapon.”

“I- I’m not,” she insisted, but you could hear the unease in her voice.

You shrugged, “Maybe it’s not your intention, but you are fighting a one-sided battle. You’re married and Spencer and I are engaged, and you have single-handedly destroyed our relationship.”

JJ scoffed in disbelief, “You and Spencer seem to be doing just fine.”

“I’m not talking about me and Spencer, I’m talking about me and you,” you corrected her. “At Rossi’s wedding, you told me that you had meant what you said to Spencer when you were in the pawn shop, and every day since then you have refused to give me the space that I’ve asked for.” Your hands shook as your eyes flittered between her and your fiancé, “You’re my big sister, JJ. You’re always going to be my big sister, and I am always going to love you because of that, but we aren’t friends, so don’t try to pretend you’re doing this for me.”

She tilted her head to the side, “I didn’t want space – you’re my sister.”

“But I needed space,” you emphasized, the one thing that JJ had never seemed to understand. You were the one who got hurt in the process, “I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired, and I can’t pretend to be your friend anymore while you can’t even be a decent sister. You tell me that you and Spencer have all of this history, that you’ve known each other for fifteen years, but you’ve been my sister for thirty-two. You keep asking for me to hear you out, and yet you haven’t once listened to me. Go back to Quantico, go find Lynch, and be my fucking sister.”

You couldn’t be friends with someone who had been long harboring a crush on your partner, and it didn’t make sense for you to make any exceptions for her. “Okay, I’ll um… I’ll go,” she told you, hesitating for a moment before she nodded to herself and walked out of the room. You knew what you told her stung, you were sending her out with her tail between her legs, but you didn't have the gracefulness to coddle her anymore.

Slowly, you leaned your head down, gently setting your chin on the sidebar of Spencer’s hospital bed, keeping a watchful eye on him even as tears streamed down your face.

Your eyes were dry by the time Diana arrived, being guided by one of her nurses and intercepted by Garcia, who had known better than to ask any questions when your sister left in a hurry. With your sight zeroed in on the rising and falling of Spencer’s chest, you listened to the conversation, “Oh, Diana, hi,” Penelope said, unable to hide the panic in her voice, “Hi, it’s Penelope. I work with Spencer. I’ve come to see you before,” she explained.

Garcia had tagged along multiple times to see Diana at Brookfield, which was likely why they were so receptive when she called the facility. “You’re almost as tall as I am,” Diana responded and your heart sunk, worried that she might not be stable enough to face this.

“Diana,” Penelope continued gently, “Spencer fell, and he hit his head really hard, and he’s not conscious.” Her words were carefully chosen to avoid raising any alarm.

“Well, let’s wake him up,” Diana insisted, and you straightened up at the sound of footsteps approaching, “Let’s see him.”

Penelope practically stumbled in behind her, “No, wait.”

His mother nodded, not even acknowledging you as she walked in, “He’ll listen to me… Spencer,” she called to him. Seconds later, you saw it, the moment the switch in her brain flipped and an internal war started, “it’s not him,” she murmured. “No. No, no, no,” the conviction in her voice broke your heart, “This is not my son.”

Silently, you sat back in your chair, trying to think of something you could say to her to reassure her, but you couldn’t even console yourself.

Then she reached out for his hand, turning his wrist over and exposing the inside of his wrist, the small star-shaped scar that marred his skin facing the ceiling, “Oh, my baby,” she breathed. “Oh, my baby,” she leaned over Spencer, smoothing his hair away from his forehead, cupping his face with her hands, and begging with an unknown force, “Oh, please.”

Unable to tolerate the sight of her begging for Spencer to wake up, you quietly got up from your chair, hugging your arms around yourself before walking out of the room.

For years, Diana and Spencer had been all each other had, and you couldn’t imagine what this was like for her. To have her son fighting for his life in the hospital while she spent every day trying to hold on to fleeting memories of him. You couldn’t watch her, afraid of losing him. It wasn’t supposed to work like that – parents weren’t supposed to have to bury their children.

You thought about calling your mom, knowing she’d drop everything and drive the four hours to come be with you, but maybe it would be cruel. It would be cruel to have her watch a parent lose a child when she had lost her own.

Leaning your head back against the taupe walls of the hospital, you glanced over at Penelope, giving her a stiff smile.

“Hey, you,” she said, shoving her laptop in her bag before making her way over to you. “How are you holding up?”

You laughed humorlessly, digging the heels of your hands into your eyes before looking back up at her, “I’m not entirely sure that I am.”

Her eyes were filled with grief, and you knew that she was another person in Spencer’s life who didn’t deserve more loss, “Can I get you anything? Have you eaten?”

Food had been approximately the last thing on your list of concerns today, but you hadn’t eaten since Reno yesterday. You shook your head, “I’m not hungry,” You were actually a bit queasy, but you weren’t entirely sure if you were nauseous from your current predicament or if it was because you hadn’t eaten anything. “Maybe later,” you tried to appease her.

“Okay,” she sighed, “I don’t know what happened between you and JJ, but I do know that something happened. I might not know what it’s like between sisters, but I do know what it’s like to be a sister.” Garcia gave you a soft smile, “Do you need to talk about it?”

Desperately. Your chest ached at the idea of being able to talk to someone else about what had gone down between you and your sister, but you shook your head, “I’m sworn to secrecy.”

The understanding expression on her face deepened the ache in your chest, but she reached out and pulled you into a hug, “I know the two of you will figure it out.” She pulled away, sweeping tears from under her eyes, “I know you said you’re not hungry, but I’m going to go down to the cafeteria and I’ll get you something to pick at. You look like you need it.”

You smiled at her concern and gave her a small wave as she made her way through the hallways. It was sweet that she had faith in the sororal bond between you and JJ – even more than you had, but you just didn’t see it the way she did. There had always been an expectation of you and JJ growing up that you’d always make up because you were the only sibling that each other had left.

That expectation had led to a lot of issues being swept under the rug, maybe too many issues, but you couldn’t forgive JJ, not fully. Even under the weight of the obligation to forgive her for the sake of your familial tie, you couldn’t let this one go. JJ had broken any semblance of trust between the two of you, and even if you worked to rebuild that trust, the cracks were always going to be there.

When you and Spencer had fought and you knocked a bowl off of the counter, he made a remark about how the bowl could be fixed with kintsugi, but the bowl would always have cracks, no matter how pretty the gold looked in the seams. You and JJ would never get back to where you had been, and now, you were sure that you didn’t want to go back.

Wiping a few stray tears from beneath your eyes, you nodded to yourself before walking back into the hospital room, introducing Diana and Dr. K before the doctor gave you some information, telling you that Spencer’s brain was bleeding.

Tilting your head to the side, “No, I made sure he got an MRI at the hospital. The doctor there told us it was completely clear,” you assured her, remembering how you refused to let Spencer board the jet without getting an MRI.

Dr. K nodded, “We got the scans sent over from the hospital in Reno, there’s a small bleed that was possibly overlooked. From what you’ve told me, it seems like they were overwhelmed and needed to get other people through,” she told you, making it seem like no more than a clerical error.

“So…” you dragged out the vowel, trying to wrap your head around this reality, “His brain’s been bleeding since yesterday?”

The doctor affirmed your suspicions, “Boarding a plane with even the smallest of brain bleeds can have catastrophic consequences. In Spencer’s case, it’s caused intracranial hemorrhaging. Parts of his brain are shutting down and other parts are struggling to survive.”

Your stomach flipped at the mention of his brain shutting down, the term was far too close to brain death for comfort, “Is he… is he already gone, then?” You asked, faltering over your words.

“No,” she gave you some reassurance, “There’s a chance that his brain bleed will resolve on its own.”

“But not a good chance,” you observed, taking Spencer’s hand in your own. “Is there anything that can be done?”

The doctor adjusted the tablet in her hands, “The conservative approach would be surgery. It may reduce the swelling around Spencer’s brain faster. There is risk, it could cause seizures and even more bleeding,” she explained to the both of you.

The image in your mind of brain surgery didn’t bring you any reassurance, you looked up at Diana. Until you and Spencer got married, she was his next of kin. Spencer didn’t have any kind of healthcare directive for a situation like this, and you weren’t entirely sure where to go from here.

His mom shrugged at you, shaking her head, “I thought it was Tuesday, and it’s not Tuesday. So, I can’t tell you,” she answered, looking at you helplessly.

Turning your head to Dr. K, you asked, “Could we have a minute?”

The doctor gave you both an understanding look before stepping out of the room.

“What would he want?” Diana asked you, looking at you expectantly, “I don’t want to make the decision.”

Abhorring the idea that you would be the one to make the decision, you looked up at Diana, “I’m not sure,” you admitted.

“He always says he trusts you the most,” she told you. “Oh, for years in his letters, he’d always talk about you. Even before you started dating – it was always about you in a way I’d never heard him talk about anyone,” she continued, nodding as if she were convincing herself. “If he trusts you that much, then I have no problem trusting you.”

You didn’t want it to be up to you, and before you had the opportunity to answer, the alarm on Spencer’s vital monitor started going off. “Oh my god,” You breathed, moving back to allow the nurses space as they crowded around Spencer’s bed.

“What’s happening to my boy?” Diana asked, placing her hands in front of her mouth in shock, “What is happening to him?”

Watching quietly as he seized, you listened to his mom cry out for him and decided you wanted to wait a bit longer before resorting to surgery.

Picking at the bread of the sandwich that Penelope had gotten you from the cafeteria, you found yourself more amenable to sipping at the water she had brought you than you were toward actually eating something. According to Garcia, the team was hot on Everett Lynch’s trail, but she wouldn’t give you any more details than that.

Periodically, Spencer’s hand would twitch, but you told yourself it didn’t mean anything. You tried not to get your hopes up, not until Dr. K said something reassuring.

With the doctor in the room, there were four pairs of eyes watching his every move, no matter how minuscule. You leaned back in the chair, gently tracing the lines in his palm, “His… his eyes are fluttering,” you observed aloud, not daring to look away, afraid your mind was playing tricks on you.

“That’s a good sign,” Dr. K said, leaning forward and observing the same thing as you.

Penelope inclined her head to look up at the doctor, “Is he gonna be okay?”

She looked uneasy, “He’s putting up one hell of a fight, but it’s still too early to know for sure,” she answered diplomatically, checking something on her tablet before excusing herself.

Shortly after, Garcia’s phone started to ring, she brought it out into the hallway, letting you know she’d be right back.

Leaving just you and Diana in the room with Spencer, you watched as she continued to smooth his hair back, being able to see the maternal gesture made your chest ache – you never knew how many more moments there would be. “Has he been here before?” She asked you, “In the hospital, like this?”

You nodded slowly, moving through a fog of exhaustion as the day came to an end, “Yes,” you told her, memories of Briscoe County bubbled to the surface.

“Were you there for him?” She continued, wondering if someone had been there for her baby when she couldn’t be.

You had sat around his hospital bed with Alex and Penelope, waiting for him to wake up while Penelope set up Doctor Who figurines throughout the room. “Yes,” you answered again.

“Oh,” she sighed, “How awful,” she commiserated.

While a corrupt precinct wasn’t a new concept to the BAU, that case had been particularly difficult on the team, and there had been a day, much like today, where you weren’t sure if you’d ever be able to tell Spencer you loved him again.

You didn’t tell him you loved him before going to bed last night.

“It was, actually,” you remembered, previously buried memories of time spent in hospital rooms. Months ago, your roles had been reversed, and Spencer had been the one begging you to wake up.

After a moment, Diana leaned forward a bit, “Spencer,” she spoke to him, “I saw some cumuliform heaps today. His favorite clouds,” She added the last bit for you, “I plucked that for him,” she explained as Penelope came back into the room. “Everything is up there, and we pluck what we want when we want, and we let go what we don’t.”

Penelope grinned, “That sounds very good. Okay, I am plucking a memory about Spencer’s eyes, and they are brown with gold on the outside,” she posited. 

Diana hummed, “I think they’re gold on the inside.”

Tantalizingly slowly, Spencer’s eyes started to open, and your heart raced as a mix of emotions flooded through you. As your eyes met him, you smiled sadly and whispered, “Gold on the inside.”

“Hey,” Garcia said, the smile plain in her voice, “we were just plucking eye memories of you.”

He returned the smiles in the room, “I heard you.” Spencer hummed, “Forgot how much I loved those clouds, mom. You helped me remember.”

Diana grinned, any remaining trace of grief wiped from her face, “I did, huh?” Well, maybe I can come back tomorrow, and we can watch clouds together,” she offered.

“Am I still dreaming?” He asked rhetorically.

“Sweetie,” she cupped his cheek with a maternal gentleness, “You are very much alive.”

Once Diana was on her way back to Brookfield and Penelope – still not providing you with any details – left to go check in with the team, you rested your head on the armrest of his hospital bed, maintaining a watchful eye on him. “I love you,” you whispered to him after Dr. K left for the night.

He hummed, tired eyes looking back at you, “You’ve said that three times in the last ten minutes.”

“And?” You inquired, furrowing your brows.

The corner of his mouth quirked up, “And I love you too.”

You smiled at him, “Thank you for having a traumatic brain injury so I could delay my stepmother’s visit.”

At that, he fully grinned up at you, “It was all part of my plan.”

A thousand words rested on the tip of your tongue, asking him how he was feeling and about healthcare directives and how he chose his favorite cloud, but everything felt so important and so inconsequential at the same time.  

“You should go home,” he spoke before you had the chance to, “Get some good rest, sleep in a real bed.”

You shook your head succinctly, “I’m gonna stay here.”

He raised his eyebrows, “The nurses will keep coming in all night and wake you up,” he insisted, knowing well enough that the hospital chairs did not make for a good night’s rest.

“Then it’s a good thing I don’t have anywhere to be but here tomorrow,” you told him, thumbing the fabric of his hospital blanket as you insisted on staying.

Spencer shifted slightly on the bed, trying to get a better look at you, “You need to take care of yourself.”

His concern comforted you, but you still shook your head, “If I don’t stay here next to you, I’ll drive myself crazy. This is the best place for me.” You picked your head up, reaching out to cup his cheek and smiling to yourself when he leaned into your touch. “What’re you thinking about?”

His head lolled lazily on the pillows, brown eyes – with gold on the inside – studying your features like he was trying to make sense of something in his muddled brain, “I had a weird dream.”

Most of the time, Spencer didn’t give credit to dream analysis, so when he had dreams that he deemed inexplicable, he’d make his head spin trying to find a logical reason. “Maybe it’s a side effect of the seizure medication they put you on,” you proposed, skimming the apple of his cheek with the pad of your thumb.

Spencer didn’t look convinced, “I saw people while I was unconscious.” His attempt at explaining gave you more insight on what he was struggling with, he had a complicated relationship with the concept of the afterlife.

“Oh, yeah?” You asked softly, hoping the two of you could talk it out.

He nodded almost indeterminably, “Strauss, Foyet, Gideon,” he elaborated, opening his mouth to add another name, but he faltered when the time came.

“Your brain was looking for manifestations of guilt,” you analyzed, each of those deaths had affected him in one way or another. “Using your past traumas against you,” you continued.

He still seemed unsure, “I’m not sure that’s all of it, some of it, sure, but…”

Your chest ached at the confusion in his gaze, “Was there someone else you saw?”

He sighed, leaning his head back against the pillows and looking at the dimmed fluorescent lights of the hospital room, “A little kid. A girl,” he told you, closing his eyes as if he was trying to recall the child from his dream.

“Well,” you considered it, “If your brain was using the other three as a manifestation of guilt, maybe the little girl is a manifestation of hope. The part of your subconscious telling you to stay formed her to represent the people you can still help.”

Spencer frowned deeply, looking at you again, “I guess I assumed there was a deeper meaning to it.”

You raised your eyebrows, “What else do you think it could be?”

“I thought…” he faltered, “I’m not sure.”

“Are you alright?” Spencer asked you, already starting to walk through Dave’s house to where everyone was gathering on the patio.

You stood in the foyer, pressing your lips together as you shifted the strap of your purse over your shoulder before finally hanging it up. Looking up at Spencer, you dropped your arms to your sides, “What?”

His eyebrows furrowed in concern, “I asked if you were alright. Are you?”

Your eyes widened, “Oh, oh yeah. It’s just weird, you know? Pen leaving,” the half-truth slipped easily from your lips.

“It feels like everyone’s changing except for us,” he said, returning to you in the foyer so that the two of you could walk outside together.

“Ha,” you said humorlessly, “Right.” Penelope was leaving, having decided that Silicon Valley was too far for her, but landing a job with a nonprofit in D.C. and leaving the BAU behind. Emily was house hunting in Denver, not for a permanent move, but for something for her to share with Andrew.

You and Spencer were staying with the BAU, he wanted to split time between consulting and teaching, similar to what he had done during his sabbaticals. “Well,” he ceded, “We’re not changing much.”

The two of you emerged onto the patio hand-in-hand, being on the receiving end of welcoming smiles that had an air of relief. Everyone was still in that phase of remembering how grateful they were to have him around every time they saw him. “How ya feeling, kid?” Rossi asked, standing around the table with Krystall.

Spencer set his hand on the small of your back before responding, “Feeling great, and I’m starting back next week. Can’t let the team be down two members,” he mused, looking down at you reassuringly.

Next to you, Tara scoffed, “Oh, come on, teaching and consulting? You’re making me look bad.”

“Just doing what I love,” Spencer replied candidly.

Luke raised his champagne, “Hey, I will drink to that,”

You prepared yourself to turn down a drink, thinking up an excuse until Penelope stepped out onto the patio, “Uh, you’re not supposed to start the festivities until the belle of the ball has arrived,” she jokingly protested, giving everyone a little twirl in a very Garcia-fashion.

Leaning into Spencer slightly, the two of you watched as Luke put his hands up in defense, “Don’t worry, okay? ‘Cause this is gonna be the first of many.”

“Penelope!” Kristy called out from across the table, “Congratulations! Here I thought we were coming to celebrate Dave’s retirement, but Matt said it’s your farewell party. And you had like a hundred offers,” she said, beaming from across the table.

Garcia waved her hand in faux humility, “Oh, that’s only if you round up, but yes,” she said excitedly. “Anyway, it’s a nonprofit, it’s close to here, and the dress code is all FBI conservative like I’ve been having to do,” she said, ignoring the doubtful looks that were shared around the table.

“I’m still in denial that you’re leaving,” JJ told her mournfully, a slight frown on her face.

Matt shook his head, “It won’t be the same without you.”

“Better not be,” Penelope scolded, her tone suggesting that she found the idea ridiculous.

Emily leaned over the table to clarify for Kristy, “Dave decided he wasn’t going to retire. He didn’t want the team to go through too much of a transition all at once.”

“That’s ‘cause Dave’s never gonna actually do it,” Krystall interjected, saying what many members of the BAU had also thought.

“Hey,” Rossi protested in mock offense, “Look, being with you all, doing what few others can, that’s where I belong.” He turned to Garcia, “But this night is not about me. To our beloved Penelope – a salut.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you watched Luke and Penelope wander off to the patio, the two of them seeking out water. You made a mental note to ask her what it was about just as Spencer approached you, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”

You waved off his concern, making your way over to the house, hoping there were hors d’oeuvres remaining in the kitchen. “I’m fine, this is Pen’s night,” you explained to Spencer as he followed you.

“Right, that’s reassuring,” he responded sardonically, trailing close behind you through the kitchen.

Turning back to him, you pleaded, “Can you let this go? Just for now.”

Spencer frowned, “I thought we were working on our communication.”

Silently, you cursed him for bringing up your therapist’s – who was likely going to have a field day when she found out – tactics. “Spence,” you complained, hating how your voice sounded like a whine.

“Y/N,” he answered in kind.

Groaning, you looked around the kitchen before dragging Spencer into the pantry by his shirt. You flipped the light on and looked up at him, “I had my yearly physical this morning.”

He knew this, in order to remain eligible to stay in the field, everyone needed to have a yearly physical performed by an FBI physician. The concern on his face deepened, “I- Are you okay?”

“I’m pregnant,” you breathed, the words that had been balancing on your tongue for the better of the day. You wished you had been able to give him a better announcement. A card or a onesie, anything would have been better than turning Rossi’s pantry into a confessional.

Instantly, you saw the gears turning in his head as he tried to do the math, “That would mean…” he started, eyes widening as he came to different conclusions.

You nodded, “I’ve been pregnant. They couldn’t give an accurate estimate based on just the blood test and I’ve been trying to figure it out, but-“

“Eight weeks,” Spencer answered, the concern refusing to waver as he studied your appearance.

He was looking for signs and trying to remember symptoms, and you didn’t blame him. You had always assumed you’d have some idea, but you were so shocked that the FBI physician had insisted that you lay down before driving home.

The same surprise was pasted across Spencer’s face now, his hands tentatively placed on either side of your waist, thumbs hovering over your abdomen, “You were pregnant when the house blew up in Reno.” His voice solemn as he held back any excitement, “Did the doctor… is everything alright?”

“He said if anything had happened as a result of the blast, we’d know by now,” you offered some reassurance, having shared the same worry when you found out that morning. You wanted him to be happy, because once Spencer was happy about this, you could be happy.

Spencer shifted his weight, “But you made an appointment with an obstetrician, right?”

Slouching slightly, you looked up at him, “First thing Monday morning. Spencer-“

“If I had known, I never would’ve let you go to Nevada,” he interrupted, instantly protective.

“Spencer,” you startled him, “Are you happy?”

He paused and your chest ached more and more with every moment he remained silent, “Did you think that I wouldn’t be?”

You released a small sigh of relief, smiling at him sheepishly, “It’s just… it’s a surprise,” you offered quietly. “Is it awful timing?”

“No,” he insisted, pulling you in by the waist and wrapping his arms around you. He leaned his head down, tucking his face into the crook of your neck, “It’s perfect,” he reassured you. “I love you,” he whispered, voice muffled as he held you tightly – held you together.

The two of you remained that way until a knock at the door came, “Hey, uh,” Luke’s voice rang out from the other side of the door, “If you guys are doing freaky shit in Rossi’s pantry he’s gonna be pissed.”

Standing up straight, you clasped your hand over your mouth in an attempt to cover up your laugh. Spencer looked equally as amused, dropping a kiss to your lips before reaching behind you to open the door, revealing Luke and his impish grin.

He threw his hands up in the air, looking at the both of you as he walked backward out the door, “I was sent in to get you. Rumor has it they’re about to play the belle of the ball’s favorite song.”

You and Spencer shared a knowing look, “Heroes,” the both of you said in unison.

taglist: @football1921 @thedancingnerdmermaid @dollarstore-lydia-deetz @cillsnostalgia @alivesarcastically

@hellsingalucard18 @poetoflawed @lillysfrogsandbogs @mega-kittyglitter-1 @sndixz

@k-corbett @nott-my-riddle @guiltyyassin @starkeyellow @rainydayathogwarts

@roblino @awildfirestarting @getawaycarsficrecs @syd-maximoff @melodyflowersblog

@stargirlls-world @ovando13 @cxtherine

[scam-alerts]

👀 Tips and Tricks 👀 updated 12/31/24

Here is a collection of useful tips and tricks to spotting and dealing with scams and the blogs that try to share them. :)

Note: This mostly pertains to blogs that send asks looking for help/donations, but it can also be very useful for unsolicited DM's in the case of things like sugar baby scammers, art commission scammers, and what have you as well.

Let's get started shall we?

Tip #1 - Stay calm.

This is the first and most important thing you should do in any situation involving strangers on the internet. Yes, it's okay to be unsure about something at first glance. They say that you should always trust your gut. But what you shouldn't do is let that fear and uncertainty make you hateful or spiteful towards those who might genuinely be seeking help.

Tip #2 - Wait! Let's investigate!

That ask/DM someone sent you isn't going anywhere. They send dozens of them out every day to people, so it won't hurt if you take 5-10 minutes to do a little research before you decide to take action.

Easy ways you can investigate:

1) Search the username of the person who sent the ask/DM. - You can do this by typing their name in tumblr's search function or: https://www.tumblr.com/search/username https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/username

Was this new user called out by other tumblr users for using this same story on other accounts and/or under different PayPal usernames and/or as being a scammer? If so, it's a scam.

2) Check the blogs posts via the archive to see how old it is. blogname.tumblr.com/archive.

Note: Sometimes they turn their archive off. But you can enable timestamps in your settings to view when a post was made!

settings > dashboard > Show timestamps.

Did they just join a few hours or days ago? A few weeks? If they did and their first post was either their post looking for help, or they reblogged some nonsensical things like art or memes within minutes/hours of making their aid post, it's a scam.

3) Check the past reblogs of the pinned post they want you to share. - Does the persons 'real name' change every few weeks? (more on this trick here!)

If a user calls themselves Vivian in their current post as you see it on their blog, and if you check a past reblog 5-7 days ago or 2 weeks ago and it says their name is Malinda (but the stories are the exact same), it is a scam.

4) Search part of the ask via google and the word 'tumblr'.

- Do you find results of that same ask being sent by other blogs?

This goes back to #1. If you find posts on google by other users with the exact same ask or story, but with a different username or 'real name' ala #3, it is most likely a scam.

5) If someone DM's you, be friendly and ask questions. Ask a lot of questions.

- Do they get mad or frustrated with you if you ask them questions related to their issues with insulin or diabetes that every diabetic should know? Do they not know how to answer if you ask about Gaza or Palestine? (if they say they are from there.) - Do they try to change the subject? - Are they persistent about trying to get you to donate money? - Do they just straight up block you? (if yes, it's a scam)

Never send money to strangers who ask for it via a DM without investigating them first and having them prove they are who they say they are. Remember to reverse image search any images someone sends you as 'proof', and if it seems fishy? Report and block them.

Tip #3 - Stay kind.

I know it can be overwhelming when you receive asks looking for help when you might not be able to offer anything in return. It's also 100% okay to not know if you're dealing with a real person in need or a scammer. But please, don't go around reporting every single ask you get with a gofundme saying it's a scam or making posts telling others to do the same. This might wind up hurting real people genuinely looking for help from others.

Here is a post on why many gofundmes are not scams. by @kyra45

Tip #4 - It is 100% okay to block and delete.

In many cases when you receive an ask looking for help, it's usually sent with a sad story of loss, tragedy, heartache, or an implied since of urgency. This is not to say situations from real, genuine people looking for help aren't emergencies.

Just remember:

You do not have to share any asks that are sent to you.

And it does not make you a bad person if you block someone.

Especially in the cases of scammers.

If someone is being persistent even though you have told them:

I'm sorry I cannot donate money. I cannot donate money right now. I'm in no position to donate.

And yet they still ask you for money?

Or they insult you, gaslight or guilt trip you?

You have every right to block them if they cannot take no for an answer. No means no. Not later, not 'some other time.' Not in 3 days or a week.

No means no.

You deserve to be treated with just as much as respect as they do.

Never forget that.

Tip #5 - Help protect one another other.

If you see that someone has shared a scam, let that person who shared it know what's going on. Let them know how and why that person they shared a post from is a scammer, tell them the various tips and tricks on how to spot scammers, and maybe they too will do the same for their friends, and so on and so forth.

If anything you might even help a lot of other people not fall for a scam if you do share their pinned post and tag it as being a scam with information as to how/why in your post.

Just remember, Scammers love to change their usernames, their 'real names' on their posts and editing their stories around a little bit, and if people work together, we can help keep each other safe by making sure that others are scam aware.

----------

Thank you all for reading, I hope you all have a fantastic day and if you ever have questions about something you think might be a scam, don't be afraid to send me an ask. :)

Take care. <3

----------

Helpful links and guides: Scam Index (@scam-alerts) Useful guides to spotting scams (by @kyra45) A guide on how to spot Insulin Scams. Current list of documented scammers: Part 3 Archived for reference: Part 1 and Part 2

[neuroticboyfriend]

hey uh i don't think USamerican food (ex: all our candy, chips, fast food, etc.) is unhealthy because it's a nation filled with gross fat people ridden with diabetes... hear me out... maybe it's because this god forsaken country is effectively the birthplace of capitalism and they will put anything and everything in our food if it means we keep buying it. especially if we have no other options.

all the added salt and sugar is because they know people will keep going for it - they're also simple ingredients that are easy for them to procure (thanks to centuries of slave, and otherwise unethical, labor). all the harmful dyes is because they've been relentlessly marketing to us in such a way that they make out natural food to be dirty and inferior. all the "fat free!" food came about because of fatphobia... you do need fats in your diet, just in balance.

it's all because they (capitalist class) don't give a flying fuck about anyone if it means they can make money. of course we aren't nearly the only country where capitalism takes away peoples reasonable access to a balanced diet, and the USA does get slack on a lot of things for a lot of very good reasons. but... maybe that shouldn't fall on the oppressed people living here? especially not based on bigoted misconceptions? there are no conditions on not being a bigotted asshole to someone. not facing bigotry isn't supposed to be a privilege. and it doesn't have to be an acutely life-or-death bigotry to matter.

addendum: also whether a food is "unhealthy" is heavily subjective and reliant on the individuals health needs at the time. sometimes people really need that salty as fuck pack of potato chips... like a disabled person with electrolyte issues! or a poor person who hasn't had enough to eat!

tl;dr if you keep going on about how disgusting americans are because of our food, you're just fatphobic and ableist.

[lover-of-skellies]

Rambles about heavy subjects under the cut

So uhhhhhh

I never thought I'd have to make a post like this, because it just feels weird and I'm not sure what to do or how to phrase things, but

My grandpa died yesterday. I wasn't there when my mom received the call from the hospital, I just heard about it from my sister. My sister and I were never really all that close with him because of some issues within the family, and our mom wasn't too close with him for a while either, but she'd made amends with him. She'd go see him, pick him up for holiday dinners and gatherings so he could be with us and be a part of the family again, and then she'd take him home. He was a diabetic, so she'd even taken on reminding him to take his meds and things, whenever he was with us. I can't tell you how many times she went to the little bar where he liked to go sing karaoke every Tuesday night (I believe. I think it was Tuesday, but it could've been another day of the week, too)

Even though my sister and I weren't really ever close with him, he meant practically the world to our mom. She's been talking to some people, since he didn't have a will or anything written up. His passing was sudden and unexpected, so now everyone's scrambling to figure out the details for what to do with him

We don't have a lot of money. Sometimes it's hard scraping by, as is. My mom works at a hospital, my sister started working at a pet store, and I'm fighting with the social security people to try getting disability. I've been denied probably 3 times already, but I'm still trying my hardest to get through to them

The cheapest option for funeral stuff for my grandpa is cremation, but even then, that's $3000. We don't have that kind of money. His girlfriend's pastor chipped in maybe $500, I think, but beyond that, I'm not sure. I feel like I need to do something to help this situation, since my mom absolutely doesn't need this financial issue on her shoulders. She has a lot to worry about already as things currently stand, and I feel bad that I can't do more for her, but. All I can do is this. Making a post, rambling about the situation, and maybe asking if people could consider donating a little to my Ko-Fi

Donations would help a lot tbh, and I think my current donation goal was set to like... $200 - $250, something like that, but. It's a start. There are some things in my shop you can buy, I'm gonna try to add more soon, and I have commissions open, even though I haven't drawn in ages

I feel really icky about doing this and asking for donations, because I know that for a lot of us, money is tight, and I understand that things aren't cheap anymore. $300 used to get you a heaping cart of groceries that'd last a while, but now, it barely covers enough to last 2 weeks

I.... don't really know how to finish this post off, or how to properly close it, so. Again, donations would be greatly appreciated and it'd help a lot, and I'd be so, so grateful for every cent of it. It's not an obligatory thing by any means. You don't HAVE to donate, and if you can't afford to, I completely understand

[clatterbane]

While I am evidently on a ranting roll tonight, it also really fucking bothered me that the new endocrinologist that I happened to see for a routine yearly diabetes check-in a few weeks back, after the last one moved? She apparently decided that as essentially an ethnic minority of one here, I look weird enough that it might well be pathological.

(I would probably feel a little different about it if she weren't also from anothet ethnic minority--albeit one that is MUCH more common locally and in this country at large. It doesn't hit quite the same that way, but I still found it pretty damned offensive.)

It also didn't help that my basic build helped get me treated like garbage so much under the NHS--with definite racial undertones at times. I would just as soon never hear a single word about my meat form again, which is not very directly relevant to the issue I have come in over, and in a non-fatphobic way.

But yeah, I have ended up looking like a lot of my mother's family in middle age. If one of the thinner versions these days.

Shitty crop of me with my mom, 20 years and at least 50 lbs. ago.

We have big kinda flat faces with barrel chests and big shoulders--and our arms and legs also turn skinnier-looking by comparison to the big old torso as we get older. No matter how much meat is over it (and I am still fairly scrawny now!), you are still gonna be mostly shoulders and a ribcage which is NOT dainty. Mr. C half-laughingly backed me up that half my family is just Like This, and he hasn't even seen all the extended clan together.

And the (very) extended family resemblance kinda goes farther than that. (Thus the ethnic part being very fucking relevant.) I don't always necessarily like it, but that's just how we're made.

So yeah, that new endo decided to send me to be tested for Cushing's Syndrome, entirely based on eyeballing.

Look, it's me! Go off, I guess.

(She also asked some pointed questions like whether my freakishly skinny arms made it difficult to wheel myself around in the chair. Erm, NOPE, not at all. Absolutely no symptoms other than striking her as Wrong Looking. She also recorded in the notes which I can see online, that I was getting less exercise than I said I was--very possibly mentally filtering my actual answer through that Freakish Twig Limb perception.)

What gets me even worse is that I DO totally coincidentally have experience with Cushing's, from when I got that pituitary tumor in my teens. She knew nothing about this when she brought the subject up out of the blue.

As the first medical professional to ever do so over the past 30-odd years, I might add. Nobody who has actually been aware of that history has triggered on it either.

Cushing's is very noticeable and very hard to live with! I got extremely sick, gained like 80 lbs. over a year from it, and developed the actual corticosteroid moonface then! Nobody much wanted to listen to me at the time, likely mostly because AFAB teenager! But, I do know very well what that fucking feels like!

But yeah, that thankfully got fixed and I haven't experienced symptoms for like 30 years. That whole experience was also very freaking traumatic, which is probably not helping my reaction now with it getting brought back up so bizarrely and unexpectedly. (Also, could I somehow be secretly Very Sick now without realizing it?! I do very much rationally doubt it, but doubt still keeps nagging at me.)

I guess I had better play along for now. In a way, it is good to see another demonstration that they don't seem to do the same kind of foolish pennypinching here as under the NHS. They will refer you for whatever testing they think is necessary, even if that sometimes includes a labwork wild goose chase based on some terrible assumptions! I would rather have them be thorough, even when it's dumb as hell and kinda insulting.

I am indeed pretty confident that I just look like a middle-aged $SURNAME from another freaking continent, who is also recovering from malnutrition and still pretty scrawny. (Which the doc was aware of.) I am also still feeling some kind of way about this fact setting off weird alarm bells in some new doctor that I am stuck dealing with for the foreseeable future.

I could easily make some of my own unflattering speculations based on her appearance, which was very different from my own. Sorta Marfanoid, with buggy eyes possibly indicating thyroid issues? (Maybe there's also some wider ethnic thing going on there too, for all I know. I have seen a lot more folks from her part of the world than basically anyone here has from mine!)

But yeah, that really really would not go over too well. And it's not my place either.

[type1diabetesinfandom]

Hello all!

Many, manymanymany apologies for the unannounced hiatus. (Still ongoing. Not enough spoons. D: ) I will be back at some point, I promise.

I've been thinking of this blog a lot, what it means to me, and what I want it to be, especially when I don't have the energy to maintain it. Obviously, collecting all the t1d rep I can find in one place is a huge goal! And I think I've made a pretty good start on that. There's over one thousand posts on this blog and several hundred fics in the AO3 collection. That's a lot of search and save.

That's not all I want to do, though. Fandom, to me, is about the things we love. Reading them, writing them, gushing about them in the middle of the night. Throwing your pencil at the wall because you can't get the angle of that epically-sexy jawline just right. And most of all, sharing it all.

I don't think I'm alone when I say community is HUGE for both people with type one diabetes and folks in fandom.

I think we all know exactly how niche the concept of a character with T1D is. Sure, we can make (and have made!) fics and fan art with T1D rep, but then what? Is there somewhere we can talk about it with fandom friends and have them really get it, or do they just nod mutely and change the subject? Where can you headcanon a character as diabetic without it turning into an educational post?

Or, if you're interested in learning more about life with T1D, whether you don't have it at all or maybe you do but you're on MDI and don't know how to write pumps, who can you ask about it?

And on the flipside: have you ever tried talking fandom at diabetes camp? Because I have.

If any of this feels familiar to you, I've got something awesome to tell you!

Introducing...the Type 1 Diabetes in Fandom Discord Server—a virtual haven where diabetes doesn't define us, but our love for fandoms and creativity certainly does! Whether you're crafting intricate AUs or just can't get the next chapter fast enough, this is YOUR community to thrive, connect, and share ideas or experiences.

What's in it for You?

A safe and supportive space to chat about your fave fics, share recs, and maybe even create some epic friendships

A chance to join discussions on realistic representation and the magical realm of diabetic fan theories

Swap prompts to spark your imagination and fuel your creative prowess

A place to discuss the highs and lows (literally!) of managing Type 1 Diabetes while pursuing your passion for everything fannish

...and all without worry that people won't understand why it's so frustrating when a character fixes their low BG with a timely insulin bolus!

*tip for writers: please google how insulin works before hitting post, please. I beg you.

So if you're up for mingling with like-minded fans or gaining a better understanding of diabetes, this is your opportunity!

Whether you're making a Hogwarts AU or need to cry about your Dexcom readings, we're ready and waiting to meet you. Excited to embark on this epic adventure and make some new friends? Click that join button, and come join the party!

*The Join Button*

[bitstitchbitch]

okay guys, let’s talk about rfk jr and the chronic health epidemic that he claims he’s going to fix

in case you missed it, npr posted this article a few days ago: https://www.npr.org/2024/11/14/nx-s1-5188411/robert-kennedy-trump-administration-health

In which, rfk jr claims the goal is “to end the chronic disease epidemic with measurable impacts on a diminishment of chronic disease within two years." Sounds great, right?

let me start by saying that there is a little merit to a select few of rfk jr’s ideas. Namely, the idea that the typical American diet is not very healthy and some of the chemicals / preservatives / pesticides in our foods are probably harmful to our health. But my concern is that this is the main thing (plus vaccines) that rfk jr is blaming for the so-called chronic disease epidemic and actually there’s a lot more.

for one, there are other environmental factors. Like, for example, air and water pollution. Idk about rfk jr, but Trump definitely wants to pull back pollution regulations.

then you got to consider another common cause of chronic disease - acute disease. Many chronic medical conditions are triggered by other viral infections. Notably right now, there’s long COVID. But many medical conditions, including polio and measles, also have severe long-term health consequences. So, uh, maybe getting rid of vaccines is not the way to go about decreasing chronic health problems because it’s going to cause outbreaks of viral disease.

The remaining points are slightly different, and I’m going to argue that they are actually going to indicate the ways that our medical system is working.

A “chronic disease epidemic” suggests two things: one, that people are being diagnosed with chronic diseases. And two, that people are surviving with chronic diseases.

think about the stereotypical Victorian woman. The one with “hysteria” who was prescribed trips to seashore. This is a very common trope, suggesting that a lot of Victorian women had chronic diseases! They may not have had names like fibromyalgia or Lupus or MS, but that’s because doctors didn’t know how to distinguish between the different conditions. So we know chronic health problems aren’t new.

so why are there more now? Well, there may not be more, there may just be more medical knowledge and access to medical care to receive diagnoses. A lot of chronic diseases are genetic - I have fibromyalgia because my grandmother had fibromyalgia. There’s no obvious environmental cause. But I may have been diagnosed sooner than my grandmother because of modern medicine.

And people are living longer with chronic health problems. Diabetes used to be a death sentence not too long ago. Lifespans have increased for people with autoimmune disease. And people are just living longer in general and the older you get the more likely you are to develop chronic diseases. Again, this isn’t a failure of our medical system - it’s a success. We’re living longer.

and finally, and this is subjective, people seem to talk about their medical conditions more. I talk about fibromyalgia freely online, and I’ll even bring up to coworkers if I think they’ll be chill about it. It’s more normalized. Whereas in previous decades, it was more stigmatized and labor protections were less guaranteed. So maybe it feels like more people have chronic diseases than in the past because people you know are talking about chronic diseases more.

Anyways, long post but my point is that the chronic health numbers are complicated and can not be boiled down to “evil vaccines and chemicals in our food”. And i think we need to be careful to make sure the desire to cut numbers of chronic health problems doesn’t become a disincentive to diagnose chronic health problems.

[ungoonableaddict]

The Ideal Gooner Bod

Wow, I'm still here!

This post is about something I've reflected on for some time, and I felt it was worth putting out there. You can see it in the title: "The Ideal Gooner Bod".

What does that mean? Well it's obviously subjective, as so much of life is. But to me, an ideal gooner is fat. Now, I will express my bias right away, I do have a fat fetish.

HOWEVER!

I'd like to posit that you don't need to have a fat fetish to enjoy this aspect of the gooner lifestyle. To me, it's part and parcel, and the reasons are obvious:

Gooning already entails a sedentary lifestyle with low levels of activity on its own.

Many gooners I've met are either single, or in relationships they don't want to be in, meaning there's little incentive to maintain a slim body.

Relatedly, part of being a gooner is committing yourself in some fashion to porn, right? And in committed relationships, one or both parties generally ends up letting themselves go. Porn certainly can't, so why not you? Show that you've found your one true love!

You already indulge in the hedonistic pleasures of porn and masturbation. Why not add yummy foods to that collection?

The odds are already stacked against you as you age. Your brain finishes development at age 25, meaning hormones level out and more effort is needed to maintain your body. Plus as you age, your metabolism slows.

Something new to goon to. Since plenty of gooners are already fat, there's lots of caps out there to indulge in, encouraging you to eat and stay big.

Objections and Rebuttals:

"I don't want to be fat!" If you're in this for Porn, who cares what you want? If you believe Porn wants you single, Porn wants you isolated, why not overweight? By default it shows others you don't care, which further increases your chances of staying single, staying alone.

"Being fat is unhealthy!"

So, this one requires a little more discussion. First, being fat is unhealthy! That is objectively true. More weight puts more strain on your body. However, you know what also strains your body? Not being fit in the first place. If you already don't work out, why does it matter? Indeed, while there is some disagreement, I've read (and you can search for yourself and come to your own conclusion) that being fat and active is better than being thin and inactive.

Second, I did mention food as a plus side of being bigger, but you don't actually have to eat junk food unless you really want to. There are healthier ways to pork up for Porn that you can look into if you're worried about diabetes and the like.

Third, if you're already fit, you don't have to stop being that way. This is presumptuous of me as someone online but if you have a very solid fitness routine AND are a gooner, I can't imagine it's solely because you're motivated by health. So why not take the plunge and try packing on some pounds?

"I don't want health issues associated with being overweight!"

Refer back to the initial point I made for the last objection, first. I believe the general rule of thumb for being generally healthy and avoiding heart issues is "at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise 3 times a week", i.e. enough that you can't talk while working out, and your heart is racing during that time. Are you getting that?

If not, then as someone who already finds exacerbating porn and masturbation addiction to be hot, just go a little further. Let your body become a VERY noticeable sign that porn is ruining you.

Honestly, that's the main argument I have. I feel like anyone reading this who's truly fit, sticking to an exercise regimen, etc. can feasibly put on weight and have zero issues, particularly if they want to lose it again! So really I'm addressing a bunch of already-unfit masturbators who don't want things to get "serious".

Like giving up years of your life, relationships, sexual intimacy, a regularly-functioning brain, and money aren't serious?

Or the heart disease you're already at risk of from not staying active isn't serious?

This is turning into a vague fitness post but let me sum it up: If you're thin or chubby and don't do any exercise, why not work to make yourself bigger? You already don't care about your (heart) health. It's the same as when you might have been a masturbator who was going back and forth about even liking porn addiction or gooning. Either start trying to get fit (which would give you more control over gaining anyway), or give up and start pigging out on food like you do on porn, loser! Come on.

Overall, I hope this post has made it clear that I see no reason for you, the reader, to not be nice and round for Porn.

If you already are, that's awesome. Good for you. :) I think the term "Porn piggy" being able to be used literally is pretty damn hot. Those who find themselves fat already, I don't have a lot to say. Keep gooning for Porn. Enjoy that soft body that signals your complacency, that shows you're devoted to something special to you. If you're fat, but not fit? Well ideally you should try to keep yourself healthy, too. But if fast food and gooning right now sound better?

Who am I to say no to someone keeping their body in-shape, particularly when that shape is round? ;)

[my-castles-crumbling]

hiya cas! i hope youre well 😊

so, i have some medical issues (nothing serious!! probably - im still waiting for a proper diagnosis but ive had a few appointments and tests etc and have been assured its nothing to be concerned about) and so i obviously have to go to hospital appointments sometimes for the aforementioned tests and discussions. it was scary at first (i hadnt been in a hospital since the day i was born up until this point, and i was 18 when i had my first of these appointments) but its easier now, but im still a little stressed

im not technically estranged from my family - i still live at home with both parents, and we're on decent enough terms - but we dont really have any sort of important conversations. or any personal conversations either. so i guess we're just not really close? idk. anyway, this has meant i have absolutely no idea what any of my family medical history is. i had to find out through my older sister that my father was diagnosed with diabetes four years ago (and she only found out because she worked at the pharmacy where he got his stuff from), and my eldest brother was the one who told me my grandparents' causes of death (they died before my birth and my parents never mention them), but they dont know any more than that either

this hasnt been an issue for me before, because obviously ive never needed to know. ive never been asked about it, but now that my own health isnt right, i kinda need to know. in my first appointment i got asked about it, but i told the doctor i didnt know and would ask at home

i did ask, to be fair. i spoke to my mother and explained why i needed to know but she just kind of... brushed it off? idk if thats the right way to phrase it. she said there was some vague thing about heart issues but she didnt say anything specifically, or which side of the family it came from, or anything all thay helpful at all

its so frustrating because im not the first of their kids to need this information. my sister has medical problems too (different issues than mine though) and our parents were no help with her either

i spoke to a friend about it last autumn when i first went to hospital and he looked at me so oddly, it made me feel so broken, i guess. apparently discussing medical history isnt a taboo subject in most households, because he knew all of his and he's never been to hospital for anything. but the way he looked at me like i was weird or something for not knowing was awful. again, it made me feel genuinely broken and damaged. it was kind of one of those moments where you realise 'oh, my family isnt normal' and it sucked, because i thought id had that realisation years ago

its happened with some other stuff too (i.e. telling parents about a relationship, friends, interests, spending time with family etc) and it just... it really sucks. i dont know what else there is to say than that ig lol

i was going somewhere with this ask, but ive kinda gotten off track and now i cant remember, soooo.... have a good day! thanks for reading my ramble 🥰

Hi hon!

I’m so sorry, whose moments of realization suck, truly. Please know that you did nothing wrong <3 

Because this is a health thing, I do have some advice for you (ignore me if you want!) There are forms on the internet that have questions about family history. Print one out and just give it to your mom and dad. Don’t give them room to question it. Say your doctor needs it, and you need them to fill it out.

I wonder, though, if your parents don’t share their history with you, they might not know their parents history. A lot of times, these kinds of things that happen in families are passed down. 

But yeah. Just give them a form and make it a health thing. You deserve that info. 

Again, please know that you are NOT broken, and it has nothing to do with you <3

(naming you medical anon)

[suekreandtheidiots]

Yes, I drew a mid-2000s teenager line up, featuring some of Hallie and Lance's dearest peers. No, I don't regret a single thing. 😂

***

I know I posted some short descriptions before but II brushed them up a little and want to have them all in one place, so here we go!

From left to right:

Mark McGrath (*February 7th 1987, in London/England, 5'8 ft) had to repeat 8th grade and somehow started hanging out with the cool kids of the year. Went to a fancy English boarding school as a kid... and somehow ended up at a random public school in Scotland as a pre-teen. No one ever found out what made him into the person he was... and no one really dared to just ask him either. A certain mystery surrounded Mark, which was fairly entertaining all by itself. Mark was a cool, calm and collected fella, easygoing and pleasant to be around, never as loud and obnoxious as some others but well, how do they say? Still waters run deep. And dirty. Mark was the one to ask for "special favours", such as getting weed/speed/acid/whatnot. Mark knew everyone and everything. Mark was the guy one would call if they had to get rid of a body. Mark never judged. Mark just did what had to be done. (Liked Hallie a lot, in a very innocent and friendly way, and even though the two never got to know each other on a deeper level, they always got along well and were able to communicate very naturally.)

Calum Hamish Fitzgibbons (*November 6th 1987, in Aberdeen/Scotland, 6'7 ft) was a nice kid, actually. A teenager of his time, with the appropriate brush of occasional overconfidence, because he had the looks and the wit. A lot of his peers looked up to him... quite literally, because, at seventeen, Cal was already 6'7 ft tall. Cal wasn't bad, he was just spoiled. His parents were pretty wealthy and he was used to getting whatever he wanted, without asking or having to put in any effort. That being said, when he was pining for Hallie, he kinda just expected that she would see the light one day, but he never dared to make an actual move to try and win her over. Partly because he didn't see the necessity, and also because romantic feelings for a friend are an awkward thing sometimes. When Hallie didn't just fall for him like he had hoped, and even picked his best friend over him during his absence, he was raging for several reasons. Being a bad person isn't one of them... but a male (teenage) ego is often a fragile one.

Hallie Henderson (*April 2nd 1988 in Aberdeen/Scotland, 5'7 ft) has loved writing all kinds of things ever since she was a wee lass... and being at school only fuelled that particular love! She was a very sweet and clever girl, with interest in pretty much anything, but most of all music, world affairs and also pop and rock culture, as well as clothes and boys (oooh!). Hallie decided to relaunch the school paper (with fellow writing enthusiast Lucy Dunn and the help of a few older students) at the tender age of thirteen, and had a carefully curated (and actually quite popular) web blog ("Hendersonic!") as well, in which she wrote about all the subjects and things that moved her. Hallie grew up with Type 1 diabetes, which always had the potential to put a damper on her generally happy attitude, and she was also afraid of being perceived as "plain" and "boring", and once it became cool to be "not like other girls", Hallie decided to jump right into that and became a bit of a Pick-Me, but she never lost her heart of gold (even though she tried to cover that up with the occasional *edgyness*). Cultural trends come and go, but being kind-hearted is always in style after all!

Lancelot Malcolm "Lance" Abbott (*July 27th 1988 in Aberdeen/Scotland, 5'3 ft) was an incredibly smart and headstrong prodigy; bold, clever, persistent and outspoken. It always seemed like there was nothing that Lance Abbott couldn't do... which was true, in a way, but also got to his head, unfortunately. Lance may have been kind at heart, but that wasn't exactly the part of his personality that he decided to flaunt - Lance was arrogant, on the brink of being very insensitive and plain rude at times. Despite his short and slight build, he had a very striking and intimidating presence; even people older than him preferred to not get into discussions and arguments with the little Abbott. Aside from his academic pursuit, Lance was also very musically gifted. He has played drums from an early age on, taught by his legendary dad, Craig, and had a great understanding for music in general.

Diana "Di" Ballantyne (*December 5th 1987, in Aberdeen/Scotland, 5'6 ft) was a stunning and headstrong Femme Fatale in training, with a passion for make up and clothes, and a strong disdain for Hallie and Lucy... and anyone else she deemed weird and/or boring. There was no rhyme and reason to what and whom Diana deemed boring, though, she just wanted to vibe and refused to put up with people and things she had no desire to put up with. Used to date Lance for a few months until she realised that the wee Abbott is just as much as a pain in the arse as she is, and broke up with him when things became too much of a hassle. (Met Lance again while he was in med school, and both hooked up every now and then over the years, despite not actually being into each other. Honestly, don't ask. 🤣)

It's hard to sum up Lowell "Fozzy" Foster (* September 17th 1987, in Inverness/Scotland, 6'5 ft) in just a few sentences... he was an experience. Not at all a bad kid either, but, uhm... well, let's just say that Fozzy's loyalty and integrity had limits, namely any time he sensed that there could be something in for him, when there was a lass he liked involved, or when doing the right thing was simply too much of a hassle. Aside from all this, Fozzy was a music freak, too, which is what always brought him and Lance back together, despite their various quarrels. Fozzy came from a very musically gifted family - he is the son of Andrew Foster, a well-known concert pianist, and Fionnula Graham-Foster, an opera singer. Being taught by his dad from an early age on, Fozzy was an outstanding piano player himself but he never bragged about that and rather half-arsed his way into playing other instruments instead, so he'd appear cooler to his peers. Fozzy was fun company, up for anything and an entertaining fella all around, for sure... it was just better to watch one's back when getting involved with him.

Lucille "Lucy" Dunn (* February 21st 1988) relaunched the school paper together with Hallie (and a few others) when both were thirteen and she became one of Hallie's closest friends over the years. Lucy was sweet in nature, but also quite blunt and never really cared about what others thought of her. She often spoke out what the sensitive Hallie didn't dare to say. She was also a childhood friend of Fozzy and secretly liked him a lot more than she ever cared to admit. Lucy was pretty badass overall and a true friend to anyone who managed to gain her trust, and she would not take crap from anyone, not even her teachers. When she punched a fellow student in the face after he groped her, and she was about to get detention, Lucy made it very clear to the headmaster what she thought of that - she threatened to take the incident to the paper and the police... and managed to get away with a warning. She still wrote about sexual harrassment in the school paper and dropped names, which was a scandal all on its own, but that's a different story. That being said, it was better not to mess with the young Miss Dunn - no matter what, she would strike back.

Timothy "Tim" Irvine (*March 3rd 1988) was the good soul of the gang. Outspoken and eloquent and not at all shy to voice his opinions, but where others of the same age just blurted out with whatever came to their minds at the moment, Tim actually thought about what he said. He was true friend material, always eager to understand both sides in an argument and staying respectful, even when he was mad or didn't agree with something. Tim didn't love what Lance started something with Hallie while knowing that his friend had been into her for an eternity, while they were away on vacation, but he was very willing to cut his friend some slack because he also saw what he had gone through. He was definitely not okay with the way Cal, Fozzy and Mark wanted to pay Lance back and eventually had a fall out with them as well. Tim was the last person of the former gang that Lance sent a text message to ("I'm alright, thanks. Take care, mate!"), after the blow up, and before they all went their separate ways in late Summer 2006.

***

Some closes ups, the lineart and the sketch:

[nardaviel]

tw eating disorders, weight stuff, OCD

let me paint y'all a picture! there's an observed link btwn OCD and eating disorders. my OCD often centers around health. my mother died of (among eighty-seven thousand other things) diabetes complications, after managing it for my entire life, so despite the lack of a genetic link bc i'm adopted, i am Very Excruciatingly Aware of diabetes. this is all backstory

i had a whole years-long cycle of "your a1c is high enough that you have prediabetes" -> i try to find a way to eat that both addresses this and is sustainable -> it's not strict enough so i start eating badly again -> "hey your a1c is back up by the way" before i finally found a way to get it under control. that way requires extraordinarily strict measures in some areas, not so much because of how nutrition works but just because of who i am as a person and how my willpower works. for years i didn't eat any sugar, ever, at all (except for when i was in japan and bc of sensory issues there was almost nothing else i could eat bc like. what was i going to do, starve (but part of me was like YES???? which is the issue))

i lost a lot of weight like this, but that was a side effect, not the goal. people compliment me on my weight loss all the time and i hate it, bc it's a product of terror and constantly flirting with an eating disorder until i found something that worked. (don't compliment people on their weight loss unless you know they'll welcome it! my aunt lost a lot of weight when she was depressed and got compliments, people lose weight when they have cancer and get compliments, there are all kinds of reasons it could be a touchy subject.) but because i accidentally lost all that weight, it taught my OCD that weight is a marker of whether i'm about to get diabetes and fucking die. when 1. it's a1c actually and 2. you have a prediabetes period where you can get things under control, i've personally done that, and 3. you don't fall over dead the moment you get diabetes. i know all that stuff. but my OCD doesn't give a fuck

so as of like a year ago i have my doctor-approved plan of eating sugar three times a year. the past couple days i ate my gingerbread house and it was like. a transcendent experience. i don't even have that much of a sweet tooth, but when you mostly don't eat sugar it's amazing. ... but it also confuses your gut. so right now my gut is like "what the fuck did you just feed us?? what is this???? hello??" and so i'm aware of my abdomen in a way i'm usually not. and i'm just like. "i've gained thirty pounds over the holidays, haven't i. i can't eat anything but vegetables and whole wheat pasta for the next month, and i need to eat smaller portion sizes of those." i can feel how much fatter i supposedly am. i can see it in my face when i look in the mirror

all of which can lead me down a really, incredibly dangerous path if i let it. so i have to force myself to eat like i normally would, but it's so fucking scary. it feels like i'm poisoning myself. this has happened before and i'm sure it'll happen again, so i know that i'll get over it and feel better and i'll be really glad i did it. but for now i'm so miserable. it's all i can think about

[aanabear2803]

hi i've seen your posts about body weight and I as a fat girl, was wondering if you are open to talk about it or give advice about it

I have been struggling real bad with it lately, I thought I was ok and had been for a few years, turns out I hate my body so much and you seem so confident, you got any advice? would you be open to talk about it in dm's?

feel free to ignore this if it's uncomfortable tho

Hi :3 um... so. I struggle with my own body weight a lot. I wont really talk about the bad thoughts that lurk about.

Ive been overweight since I was a wee lad. It especially hurts when my meds make me constantly hungry. Like I am always fucking hungry. So I just snacked the day away without any thoughts of consequences. I still eat these meds to this day. I am still as hungry as ever.

Id say I wont have very awesome advice? Because what I would normally do when those bad thoughts do happen is... post nudes on my kinky tumblr? Which, you know I dont expect others to do. Im sure there are healthier ways to express yourself than to go on tumblr and do shit like being half naked. However there are tons of gorgous women who dress in lingerie and post on tumblr all the time. You kinda just need to know where to look.

Ive also been trying to loose weight. But its more for a health thing since Im close to being diabetic and Im super duper not down for that myself. Im already tired of the meds Ive eaten I dont want to have to subject myself to stabs of insulin.

Im not on a fad diet of any kind. Im just eating 1200kcal a day watching as my weight slowly goes down~ I calculate all of this stuff too.

There's also the difference in how being fat and being unhealthy are wildly different. There's also that thing on how genetics have a say in the weight a person can be. But that is not my expertize at all! But you can be more than welcomed to go search and read up on those.

Ive been more open to exposing my skin a little at a time? Like wearing a bikini while in the pool when Im exercising. Ive been very recently trying to get corsets to work out too! Altho whether you like it or not there will be stares from people. But I would say start from the clothes, buy stuff you think would make you strut a runway. Dont just buy tshirts and pants and call it a day. Find a top in your size and fucking go for it. (Altho I understand many curvy people will not be able to find it cheap and Im just saying if you are desperate for the cash.... you can try Shein. Which I understand many Americans are banning and all the problems with fast fashion into overproduction but they do have many plus size clothes that most store dont normally have for people like us so you know its entirely up to you! But I was close to tears when I bought something and it just.... fits you know? Just dont go all out and buy their entire stock. I buy 5XL on there and dont worry about the number being so high, its probably based around the chinese style with their insane standards)

But hey look, people are going to judge no matter what ok? They always will. They will always find a way to trash talk. Its hard to ignore them, I get it. But theyre not you. They dont know if youre trying to loose weight or whether the food youre eating is a reward for having done a week of gym. Id honestly just say the fries are delicious and they should try it and we move on with our day. Its like online haters, you dont waste an hour of your life justifying things to them, so you have no reason to need to justify things to irl people.

I do hope this helps a little? I dont mind dms if you have any other questions of course :3

[baeddel]

oh yeah, since i like, if i'm talking about things, talking about how i'm learning things: (long and extremely boring if you don't care about me)

at the moment i've been trying out some new stuff. as you know i typically just read whatever interested me without very much discipline. then for the last year or so i tried kind of a flexible schedule that involved setting weekly goals for myself, mostly 1ch of my OE book every week. i also started doing 15m of anki every day. well 2022 was a fucking nightmare for me so i wasn't as good at it as i think i coulda been, but when i was 'on' it was pretty good. but i've been trying something new again, which is to work on small daily goals instead.

because i divide my days by meals (cuz my weird diabetes leaves me with an inflexible meal schedule, it's very reliable), i must eat 4 hours apart and must have a snack in the middle. so my day naturally comes in 2hr chunks. so my ideal schedule is something like this:

breakfast meditate 7m [心斋法 'heart purification method'] (building it up) LANGUAGES BLOCK do my daily language chores snack break TEXTBOOK BLOCK pick 2-4 books & study 15m of each lunch LITERATURES BLOCK just read something i picked snack CORRESPONDENCE BLOCK reply to emails & IMs i have to reply to dinner free time snack free time supper brush teeth meditate 7m [心斋法 again] sleep

currently the language chores are:

15m Chinese Assimil book/tapes 10m Old English reading 15m Anki (both OE and Chinese)

the textbooks i'm using are

the OE grammar book still Hock & Joseph Intro to Historical and Comparative Linguistics Hayes Phonology a Lacan essay i'm reading cuz a friend's reading it

the literature part is currently Dante's Divine Comedy

the reason i'm doing it this way is three reasons:

1. learning two languages means i have to do a certain amount of stuff every day no matter what. plus grinding OE every day for over a year really trained my discipline in that respect so it's a lot easier for me now than it used to be.

2. i'm at a point in my learning where i'm kind of starting all over again at something new, re: studying linguistics, so i need to get through a bunch of textbooks and stuff. i needed something more consistent for going through a ton of material.

3. going by chapters or page numbers has a disadvantage, which is that you don't feel like you can skip pages or else you're cheating, and you also don't want to 'read around the subject' and dig into things you find that are interesting because it doesn't help your page number goal. and that's the opposite of what you want, because you want to skip around and do different levels of reading, and you want to follow up on things you're curious about. so going by time rather than page numbers is much better.

the reason for the literatures & emails portions was that i felt so good about the scheduling that i realized i could use it to work on other stuff too. so i'm hoping it helps me reply to stuff on a better schedule and also actually get to read poetry & fiction and stuff more often.

the only one i actually have to do daily is the lanɡuaɡes one. everythinɡ else can be skipped or swapped around dependinɡ on my enerɡy level / interest.

the languages component i've been faithful to for about three weeks, except this weekend when i had a huge fatigue crash & skipped two days. the other stuff i've added later. i've only managed to meet this ideal schedule twice in the week or so i've had it in mind. my hope is that i can work up to being more consistent with it, but it's also not that important that i really do it all every day. it's just an orientation thing. i've still been doing way more, way better than i have done for a long time, so i think it's been helpful. but i'll check back in on it later.

the meditation is interesting. my only reason for it is curiosity. it's part of what i'm studying, so i wanted to try it for myself. 心斋法 is based on a passage of Zhuangzi. i'm following the explanation of it in Wu Jyh Cherng's 'Daoist Meditation.' i've done the best with it out of any technique i ever tried. my problem with meditation is the opposite of most beginners; it tends to produce in me extremely intense experiences extremely quickly. this was also true this time, but starting with a short timer (5m) and being able to focus on the sound of the breath, as is part of this method, was helpful in getting through it. once i got through the initial hurdle i would get very intense blissful feeling and a tingling sensation all over. it's crazy that it really works... but now after a about a week i'm not getting it, and i'm getting distracted by thoughts and fidgeting like a normal person! who knows where it's going...

anyway for linguistics i'm working through those textbooks (which i nabbed from a Harvard historical linguistics class, and constitute my 'intro to historical linguistics block'), then i'm going to do a Writing Systems workout: Rogers' Writing Systems, Page's Intro to English Runes, and Boltz' Chinese Writing System. when i finish my introductory OE grammar i have a kind of 'bridge' text called Old English Historical Linguistic Companion by Roger Lass which is supposed to take you from the introductory grammars to Campbell &c. then Campbell's Grammar > Mitchell's Syntax > Hogg's Grammar. i have a general morphosyntax workout to pair with them at various stages: Payne Morphosyntax, Akajemi & Heny Intro to Transformational Grammar, Haegaman Intro to Government & Binding. at that point i think i can be done with textbooks. obviously i'm not bound to stick to this plan exactly, it's just orientation.

the historical linguistics & phonology textbook are a ton of fucking fun btw. the phonetics chapter of the phonology textbook is amazing because you can make all the sounds yourself, & its like doing a bunch of little experiments on your own body. now i know what i'm doing when i'm making all those sounds. and i inflict this knowledge on my girlfriend who thankfully loves me.

sometime before 2024 i'll start on Latin and work it into the language dailies part. the plan is to ideally get to where i can drop the textbooks & anki vocab grinding & just get where i need w/ extensive reading (and, in the case of Chinese, listening). then i'll change my schedule to have something like: 40m OE reading, 40m ZH reading, 40m Lat reading. and once i work that up enough i can fill that time with the kind of stuff that i'm learning the languages to read, so that my language practice is also actually study/research, and i'm starting to consolidate the different branches a bit and actually freeinɡ up time for other areas. that's the lonɡ term ɡoal, like, 'up to when i'm 35' kind of timeframe. thanks for reading!

[suzieb-fit]

Yay, I passed my course.

It certainly proves the nothing that there is always more to learn, even on a subject you think you know enough about!

Not just diabetes related, because a lot of the whole subject of general health is most definitely related to the subject of blood sugar/insulin management.

It's important for everyone that cares for their health. Not just diabetics!

I have been type one diabetic for almost 40yrs, and every day is just another 24hr segment of the lifelong learning curve.

This has been good for me both personally, and it's a little bonus to my health, nutrition and fitness coach work.

People often seem to think that people who work in the health and fitness arena (I'm a freelance, home based, online fitness trainer, health and nutrition coach) are 100% full of perfect health and never experience issues.

Erm, nope. Not at all.

Yes, I struggle with it too. Hormonal, auto-immune and genetic imbalances. Trying to hold me back. But I work hard to be at my own, best level of health and fitness.

I think that's why my clients feel comfortable with me. I get it. I live it.

Anyway, on with another day.

Up and out early as usual, on a very foggy morning.

Much warmer than it has been, though.

No fleece or coat, and no hat needed!

First home workout was low weight resistance for upper body. I am sticking to the nurture phase principle of medium intensity. Nothing fast or heavy.

A good "nurture" range fast time. (Shooting for anything under 15hrs).

Breakfast was lovely apple to get some carbs in.

I'm not worrying about macro's. I'm DEFINITELY ignoring the restictive protein amounts. That's why I'm back with my nuts.

But for nurture I'm pushing those carbs. Low carb definitely works better for me, but I'm going to try follow the FLAG (Fast Like A Girl) programme for the 30 days. I'm not promising, though. It's causing quite a bit of stress, which isn't good!

Wonderful yoga came next. A really gentle, restorative routine.

That felt good. And much needed!

I finished today's fitness with a freelance routine. Haven't put anything onto my YouTube channel for a while.

Lower body strength, using only bodyweight.

Definitely felt good to get back outside for coffee and book time.

I've had a good day.

And this essay I am posting - you're welcome 😂

[orionlancasterr]

Oc interview

I was tagged by @adelaidedrubman !

Judas King and Mary Hart agreed to sit down with Lauren Westfield for a couple preemptive interviews with her podcast and YouTube series, Case Files.

name 

“Judas- oh you probably want the full thing, um, Judas King.”

nickname

“The Chosen One, Wrath, Sinner- I think Jacob called me the executioner once…”

Upon seeing Laurens growing discomfort Judas trails off, his face growing red

“Sorry that’s not what you meant. No I don’t really have any, Judas doesn’t really lend itself to nicknames. Skunk tried Jude once but it didn’t feel right.”

gender

“Male, mostly.”

star sign

“Aquarius I think? Mary talks about it a lot.

personality type

“I dont want to be a dick but I don’t really know what this has to do with Edens gate..”

Laura frowns a little, scratching at the back of her head. “We just want to get to know you a little better before we y’know get into the juicy stuff.”

“Oh right, you’re just gonna have to bear with me on some of these, my um, my whole world has been about this stuff uncensored for like five years.”

“Right, of course!” Lauren gives a sort of forced laugh.

height

“5’5 I think, they measured at the last doctors appointment.”

orientation:

“I’ve mostly been using gay but I’ve been reading a lot online and I think I like queer more- I don’t like specific labels.”

nationality/ethnicity:

“American, obviously but I think French? I have a second cousin twice removed something or other that lives over there but I’m not really sure.”

fave fruit 

“I love oranges- more than anyone should and I had one for the first time in years the other day and I gotta say even the best batch of bliss couldn’t beat that shit.”

Lauren, while still uncomfortable makes no move to change the subject this time.

fave season

“Early fall-late summer. The rain brings a chill and I think the mountains are best when it’s wet out.”

fave flower 

“I think bindweed flowers are really cute, unfortunely bindweed sucks.”

fave scent 

“There is this polish I use the interior of cars, mothers, it’s like a plastic restorer anyways that shit smells so good.”

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: 

“I didn’t like coffee or tea for a while but I’ve recently gotten into iced coffee, I like caramel iced lattes apparently.”

average hours of sleep: 

“Good nights, 5-6 but I can easily go a night or two without sleeping. Night terrors. But the guys say I still flail around and shit on the good ones.”

Judas chuckled at this one.

dog or cat person

“Bears. I volunteered at a wildlife rehab center before the reapings and we had this bear, cheeseburger, a big old boy who was found by one of the senior members found him shoving trash in his face behind Chad’s old place. Burgers, fries, onion rings you name it Cheeseburger ate it. So he took him in anyways after everything went down Wade radioed in saying he had to release him because the Jacob wanted to experiment so I tracked him down. Found out he was diabetic and needed insulin so we became buddies. He’s in Yellowstone Wildlife Sanctuary now and I visit him every few days.”

It’s at this point Judas pulls out a phone and starts showing the staff pictures of a severely obese grizzly bear wearing a collar, at which they coo and awe. In newer photos he has lost a considerable amount weight.

dream trip 

“Climb every mountain range in North America. I met a guy when I was a kid on a hike that did that, his name was trinket and he was like 70 years old climbing the continental divide in colorado. Said he sold everything a few years ago to fund his mission. I’d like to start in the south, Saturn says the Appalachians are pretty.”

“I don’t want to assume anything but wouldn’t you be sick of mountains at this point I mean…after everything that happened in the whitetails?”

Judas laughs. “It’s not the mountains fault some lunatic decided to murder and maim a bunch of people.”

favorite fictional/real character

“Optimus Prime, they made like three more transformers movies and I made everyone promise to watch them with me when we get home.”

number of blankets you sleep with? 

“I have a weighted blanket and, okay don’t make fun of me, my baby blanket under that. It’s basically like a two foot square of worn out fabric at this point but we found it in the house after. Um. After.”

It’s at this point Judas begins to look upset for the first time during the interview. Lauren quickly asks the next question.

random fact:

“I thought it would be fun to teach boomer how to launch himself off my back but now he does it at random. It hurts, I’m sorry it’s been nice do you mind if I um. If I go sit outside for a little bit?”

“Of course not, take your time.”

————

name 

“Marilyn Ellen Hart, please don’t call me Marilyn.”

nickname

“Mary, it’s the preferred name.”

She smiles charmingly, directly at the camera.

gender

“Female.”

star sign

“Aries sun, Capricorn moon and Sagittarius rising. This should be a shock to no one.”

This draws a laugh out Lauren.

personality type

“ENFP, crowds really get me going, I love talking to people. It’s why I love playing shows. Yeah sure the music is the thing that keeps me going after everything but the people make me feel alive.”

height

“Five feet two inches exactly. I got my drivers licence a few days ago. It’s crazy how many rules there are to driving in the real world. Skunk and Nick had two rules. Don’t hit anyone and stay on the pavement.”

Another laugh bubbles out of the staff and is met with a brilliant smile from Mary.

orientation:

“Lesbian but Judas and Daisy keep reading articles too me and maybe I’m also asexual. I haven’t decided yet.”

nationality/ethnicity:

“Raised in America but I was adopted from Ukraine.”

fave fruit 

“Strawberries. Like good fresh sweet ones. The ones from the store aren’t nearly as good.”

fave season

“Summer. Hot, sunny days, as dry and bright as possible.”

fave flower 

“Daisy”

She winks at the camera

fave scent 

“BBQ, I love a good vinegar based sauce.”

coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: 

“Saturn got me hooked on sweet iced tea.”

average hours of sleep: 

“Recently I’ve been getting full nights sleep without smoking now that’s wild to me.”

dog or cat person

“Does peaches count as a cat?”

She looks past the camera and grins at someone. Laura asks who peaches is.

“Peaches, my dear, is this badass cougar we found eating so- I’m not allowed to say that am I? We found her in the Henbane.  Her owner just. Handed her to us, a trio of eighteen year old kids. She’s the sweetest thing…most of the time. She’s at Yellowstone with Cheeseburger. Apparently they tried to separate them but I imagine it didn’t go well because they were together again within like two days.”

Dream trip

“The ocean, we’re driving down California in a few weeks and I made them promise to take me to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium.”

favorite fictional/real character

“Misa Amane, from death note. I was obsessed with her in middle school.”

number of blankets you sleep with? 

“Whatever is in the back of the van. Usually a throw and Judas’s weighted blanket.”

random fact:

“I had to learn how to whittle my own sticks because the ones we’d scavenge kept snapping on me. I still use my own at shows.”

I’ll tag @vault81 @bleumanouche @chaosintheavenue and anyone who wants to!